a comfortable conversation - The Cradle 2015.pdf · Learn how to decipher adoption-related issues...

Race & Adoption a comfortable conversation

Judy Stigger, LCSW Jstigger@cradle.org

Becky Carter, LCPC bcarterlcpc@comcast.net

Speakers:

Judy Stigger, LCSW Becky Carter, LCPC

Carter Family Becky Carter, LCPC

“I think my mother and father never saw us as different from themselves or others in our community. I think they thought if they loved us enough, other people wouldn’t see the difference either.”

White Privilege

Once They Hear My Name Lee, Lammert, Hess

A.J. (Amy Jo) Thomassen social worker in St. Louis, MO

Alex Haley

“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.”

Alex Haley, “Roots”

What we know about race & identity

Ages & stages

Challenges & advice Birth family Who’s in my tribe Multiracial families Evening news

Resources

Agenda

Black/African American

White/Caucasian

Hispanic/Latino

Asian

Other

Adopted

What We Know About Race

What We Know About Race

White / European Asian Hispanic / Latino Other? Black / African American

Adopted

Informational/Educational

Privacy Guarding

Humorous

Goal: to EQUIP and PROTECT

Responses

Kid useable responses Aiming the spotlight

If a child is asking:

Is your answer kid-friendly?

Other Considerations

Overt Prejudice Random Vicarious

Absent/Irrelevant Curiosity of others Care

How We Learn

Lasts a Lifetime

Greatest sources of discrimination for whites were around adoption (not race) Extended Family (40%) Childhood Friends (28%) Childhood friend’s parents (24%)

Greatest sources of discrimination for kids of color were around race/ethnicity Stranger (80%) Classmates (75%) Childhood Friends (48%)

Sources of Discrimination

Importance of Adoptive Identity at Different Life Stages

Importance of Racial/Ethnic Identity at Different Life Stages

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

Not at all or Not very Much A little up to Very Much

As a Child

As an Adult

Community Characteristics (Diversity)

Level of community diversity experienced by TR adoptees as children, and where they chose to live as adults

0 20 40 60 80

RaceAdoption

Extremely or Very Comfortable Somewhat Comfortable Somewhat Uncomfortable Extremely or Very Uncomfortable

Comfort with Identity

3 – 6 years old

Issues: • How things work • Belonging • Same & Different

Facts: • What does my mom look like? • Why didn’t she keep me?

Feelings: • Curiosity: Want to know about self • Pain: Want to be like parents

School Projects / Triggers

• Draw yourself

• Draw your family

• Bring a baby picture

• Stories about new siblings

How Diverse is Child’s School?

Student body Teachers Holidays & Celebrations Images on walls & in books Presentation of subject matter

Carmen: People Like Me

Proactive conversation vs Blindside

Coherent Narrative Young Child

Questions

• What does my birth mom look like? • Why didn’t she keep me? • (Why didn’t she stop using drugs so she could keep me?) • Why did you adopt me? • Where’s my birth dad? • Are my (siblings) okay? Do you know where they are? • Am I going to grow up like my birth parents or my

foster/adoptive parents? • Why didn’t you send money so she could keep me?

7 – 10 years old Issues:

• Envision others beyond self • Play by rules

Facts: • Why didn’t she keep me? • What about my birth dad? • With what race do parents associate, & associate me?

Feelings: • Value Development: Adoptive vs. Birth Parents • Anger: I was not valued by BP

School Projects Triggers

National History Family Tree How family came to America Ethnic festival Drug awareness education Emerging learning issues

FAIR Families Fairfamilies.org

No one who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship

Nobody who looks like me is worth my parents’ friendship

Guilt versus Shame

Guilt- we feel guilt for something we did or

imagined we did. (Doing)

Shame- we feel

shameful for who we are.

(Being)

29 Becky Carter, LCPC

11 – 14 years old

Issues: • Ethics • Nature vs. Nurture • Race/ethnicity as identity

Facts: • Was she correct to place me? • How am I like my B parent vs. my A parent

Feelings: • Observe & Compare: Who am I like? • Fear: What will I become? What groups will I fit in with?

School Projects / Triggers

• Family Tree • Career Day • Sex Education • Biology • World History • Accommodations

Whose my Tribe?

Racial identity Adoption identity Gender identity

Common interests Common abilities Shared resources Shared values

Identity: “Real Family”

Biological

Emotional Legal

Birthfamily: first person ethnicity

Society’s Labels vs Self-Identity

Black is Beautiful

White is Wonderful

I am Both

Multiracial Identity for everyone

Multiracial for Generations to Come

How do we address “Ferguson”

Real people – mentors for you and child In your community At work, worship, or recreation

Culture camps & adoption camps Ethnic houses of worship / service clubs Books, videos, art, music, food, magazines Affinity groups on-line Service projects involving child & child’s origins Chicago Area Families for Adoption (CAFFA)

Creating Connections thru Race

AdoptionLearningPartners.org

Of Interest: Conspicuous Families Adopted: the Identity Project Webinars: (recorded) What kids hope their parents know School challenges

Upcoming Webinar : Identity & Adoption May 7, 2015 Adopted persons share experience

Multiracial Identity for everyone

Meet the New DCFS Training Requirements! Treating and styling a child’s hair properly boosts not only a parent’s self esteem, but also a child’s. Learn basic techniques and styles from an expert stylist. How-to videos are easy to follow and offer great advice for all hair types. Skin care tips are also included.

www.AdoptionLearningPartners.org

Am I comfortable being conspicuous? Do I self-identify as white or multiracial? Who does my child see me with? Do I move outside my comfort zone to pursue relationships with new people? Do I feel excited or daunted about embracing another culture? If my child is a “lonely only,” am I willing to move?

Becoming a Multicultural / Racial Family

Spring 2015 Parenting Workshops Register Now at www.cradle.org

Tired of Timeouts? Speaker: Dafna Lender, MSW Learn to integrate playful reciprocal interactions to enhance your child’s self-esteem and sense of well-being, and therefore decrease negative behavior. Theraplay Institute (1840 Oak Ave, Evanston, IL) Saturday, April 18th, 2015 10:00am – 11:30am

Is it an Adoption Thing? Speaker: Liesl Einerson, LCSW Learn how to decipher adoption-related issues from typical “kid stuff.” Discuss effective parenting tools to address challenging adoption related behaviors. The Cradle (2049 Ridge Ave, Evanston, IL) Saturday, May 2nd, 2015 10:00am – 11:30am

Questions and Answers