Tommy Cooper Jokes

He was a funny man…

…that Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper Jokes

“So I rang up the local swimming baths and said ‘is

that the local swimming baths?”

He said “it depends where you’re calling from!”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

So I rang up my building firm and said I want a skip outside

my house

He said “I’m not stopping you”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I was getting into my car and this man said “can you give

me a lift?”

I said “Sure.You look great.The world’s your oyster. Go for it”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

A man walked into the doctors and the doctor said “ I haven’t seen you in a while”

The man said “ I know, I’ve been ill”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

A man goes into the doctors and says “I’ve hurt my arm in several

places”

The doctor says “well don’t go there then”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I’m not saying my wife’s ugly but…

When she sucks a lemon, the lemon pulls a face!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

When we found a violin and painting in our loft, the local auctioneer said “what you’ve got there is a Stradivarius and a

Rembrandt. However…” Rembrandt made rubbish violins, and Stradivarius couldn’t paint for toffees”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other…

“does this taste funny to you?”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Man : Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green grass of home.Doctor: Mmm, sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to meMan: Is it common?

Doctor: “Well, it’s not unusual”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s

Well, you can’t say fairer than that then!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Someone complimented my on my driving today. They put a note on

the screen which read ‘Parking fine’.

So that was nice.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

The phone was ringing and when I picked it up I said “who’s

speaking please?”

The voice said “you are!”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

So I went to the dentist and he said “say ‘aah” I said “why?”

He said “My dog’s just died”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I took my dog to the vets. After looking at him, he said “I’m afraid I’m going to have

to put him down”I said “is he that bad?”

The vet said “No, he’s just very heavy”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I went to Margate for Rheumatism

…and I got it.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

A girl stands looking at a can of orange juice intently for over an

hour…

Just because it said concentrate on the label

Tommy Cooper Jokes

British rail have asked my mother in law to stop keep putting her

head out of train windows

People keep thinking it’s a cattle truck

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I said to my doctor “Doctor, it hurts if I press just there”

He said “well, don’t do it then”.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I’m not saying my wife’s got hairy legs but…

When she turns over in bed she gives me forty lashes!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

My wife shouts up the stairs “how would you like to talk to your

mother in law?”

I said “through a medium”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings , poking me in the ribs

cackling “you’re next”

They stopped however after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I went to the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my head.

The doctor said “I’ll give you some cream to put on it”.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

My boss kept ringing me on my mobile in the car to tell me I had been promoted. He did it five timed in a day and then I

crashed. The police said “What happened?”

I said “I careered off the road”

Tommy Cooper Jokes

I came home one night and my wife was crying.

I said "What's wrong?"

She said "I'm home sick"

I said "This is your home"

She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"