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Political Satire by Larry Paros

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Guns 'R Us: Our Violent Words,

Our Violent Ways

Shocked by the horrific event in Charleston? That's America, baby -- Columbine, Aurora,

Newtown -- its everyday stuff -- just the way life is in our country.

Each night children go to bed with "Bang, bang, you're dead . . . thirty bullets in your head," At

school, they learn to give things their "best shot," and to meet "bang-up" expectations. When

their efforts finally "go over with a bang," they attain recognition as a "top gun."

Shooting Their Mouths Off

"Top guns" were once synonymous with "great guns." Our first "great guns" were simply large

firearms like cannons, as opposed to smaller ones such as muskets or rifles, a distinction which

held up to the end of the 19th century. They also came to name a person of note or consequence.

The man we used to call a "great gun" was really something. Today we know him better as the

real "big shot."

Speaking of "big shots," no one "goes great guns," is more successful in pushing arms, than the

manufacturers of guns and ammunition and their proxy, the N.R.A.

More Bang for the Buck

The expression, "going great guns" comes from British naval slang of the 18th century when

"blowing great guns" signified a violent gale. For manufacturer of arms, however, it's less a

threatening storm than a windfall of profits. Gun makers churned out nearly six million guns last

year -- double the number that they did a decade ago. This year, the industry is expected to rack

up in excess of $11.7 billion in sales and $993 million in profits.

They are literally getting "more bang for the buck."

In 1953, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff came up with a 'New Look' policy promising more combat

effectiveness for less money, by substituting atomic firepower for manpower and conventional

weaponry. They described it as the 'bigger bang for your buck' theory, a variation on Pepsi-

Cola's 'More Bounce to the Ounce' (c.1950).

Today, "more bang for the buck" speaks directly to those seeking great returns for an investment

in arms. It's not just guns. It's ammunition as well. As one gun lobbyist once put it, "You make a

product for $300, and somebody could buy this revolver and, by the time they are 80, they'll

have fired $10,000 worth of ammunition through it."

Better perhaps we should rephrase investment in armaments as "More bucks for the bang."

Calling the Shots

Massacres are good business at creating "more bucks for the bang." Critics may dramatically

depict the results and fill the airwaves with talk about the need for new restrictions, but they only

serve to convince gun owners that government is going to take away their right to buy guns,

further spurring sales.

Feeding that frenzy is their mantra that everyone should be armed. When tragedies involving

guns occur, they even go so far as to blame victims or their protectors for not having been

properly armed. Their answer to gun violence, you see, is simply more guns.

That's hardly a new idea. People have been keeping the peace with guns ever since 1330. The

soldiers at Windsor Castle named their favorite and most prominent weapon -- a huge catapult

which hurtled large stones and balls of fire at the enemy -- "Dame" or "Lady Gunhilda" from

Icelandic gunnr, meaning "war" and hildr, a "battle". Later, with the advent of the cannon, it was

first shortened to gunne and later to gun, thus naming the world's first firearms.

Though 75 percent of the American people favor some form of restriction on handguns, the big

shots at the NRA work relentlessly towards its goal of a fully armed America. The sights of its

2.8 million members trained on Congress, it continues to "call the shots," setting the substance

and pace of the national debate. Congress is their target and they are dead on in compliance. It

hasn't passed a gun control measure since 1999.

The results are in. Today, you can find those sons of a gun everywhere. The horrors continue.

And there's no leadership in Congress willing to act decisively in any organized fashion to curtail

their proliferation.

A Farewell to Arms

Sooner or later, we'll just have to "bite the bullet" on the subject. A century ago, before

anesthesia, it was common to give a wounded soldier a bullet to bite on in order to divert his

attention from the pain of a battlefield amputation

No easy task to bite the bullet. In 1857, the Sepoys, many of whom were Muslim and Buddhist

and constituted a large portion of Britain's crack regiment in India, refused to fight, the mutiny

ultimately breaking out into a full scale rebellion. The cause of their discontent was their belief

that the bullets they first had to bite prior to firing were wrapped in a protective coating of lard

and beef wax. Fact or fiction, the rumor managed to offend at once both the Buddhists to whom

the cow was sacred and the Muslims to whom the pig was taboo.

Like good soldiers, we too will have to grit our teeth and do what has to be done. As Rudyard

Kipling once wrote, "Bite the bullet old man, and don't let them think you're afraid." ("The Light

that Failed," 1891).

A Political Parable: The Little Bush That

Could -- The Roots to the White House

and Beyond

Gather around, my children, for a tale that's sure to warm the heart. Watch the lay of the land

unfold as a not-so-exotic vegetation emerges from among us, coming from nowhere to a position

of leadership. It's sure to encourage us all to pursue our dreams and never give up hope.

Once upon a time, there lived a nondescript bush. Lonely and unrecognized amidst the more

colorful vegetation, he dreamed one day of becoming a bush in his own right. For too long he

had stood in the shadow of bush the elder, a bush transformed in people's eyes into a mighty elm.

Each day, he looked up at that great tree, sobbing softly to himself: "I am somebody, yes, I am...

Someday I too can attain that same greatness of stature."

But a number of obstacles stood in his path. Though the bushes had all been raised in a hothouse,

they all suffered from the illusion that they were actually part of the forest primeval. His younger

sibling, the shrub, had always stressed his rural roots. After all, where does one find most bushes

-- certainly not in urbane, metropolitan areas.

In 1910, the major leagues of baseball, created and subsidized the minor leagues, generally

locating them in small cities and towns. Thus were born the "bush leagues" and "bush towns,"

along with an association with things "mediocre," "second rate," "amateur," and

"unsophisticated;" in short, the "inferior reaches."

Shrub had embraced this definition. But it was a real problem for our aspiring bush -- how to

kick that image.

Adding to his woes was that when folks got fatigued, exhausted, sapped, or pooped out, they said

they were "bushed" -- perhaps from the 19th century meaning, "lost in the woods." So it was that

the actions of his brother, shrub, had left folks "bushed out."

Adding further to his woes was that our little bush, like others in the family, had a speaking style,

described as "bushwa(h)," causing him to sound "nonsensical and pretentious," "exaggerated,"

and "deceitful;" i.e., "full of baloney."

Coined in about 1900, "bushwa" derives from an old word, "bodwash," meaning "bosh" or

"trash." It, in turn, derives from the old French bois de vache, "cow's wood or "dried manure."

We don't use "bushwa," very much nowadays, preferring instead to call 'em the way we see'z

'em.

Poor little bush. He wanted so much to have everyone root for him, meaning they would be a

regular supporter of his, to cheer him on. This "root," incidentally, comes from the British dialect

route, "to roar or bellow."

Encouraged by his supporters and undeterred by the obstacles, he set off on his trek -- bright-

eyed and -- what else but -- bushy tailed -- "eager and energetic," "in fine fettle," "wide awake,"

and "prepared for any situation."

We've been bright-eyed and bushy tailed since the 1930s, alluding to the seemingly attentive

behavior of squirrels, chipmunks and other animals, as displayed in their wide eyes, quick

movement, and high degree of nervous energy,.

But a funny thing happened on the way to his goal. A bunch of rival vegetation lay in ambush for

him from the old French embusche, from embuscher, literally meaning, "to hide in the bushes." It

was an insidious plot, the ultimate roots of which are in the Latin insidere, "to lie in wait."

In plain English, they were hoping -- you guessed it -- to bushwhack him. Our very first

bushwhackers, got their name by pulling their boats up parts of the Mississippi River by grasping

at bushes along the bank. Today, bushwhacking is back in style; though the grasping of straws,

rather than bushes, is more the norm.

There was lots of bushwhacking during the Civil War by the soldiers who hid in the bushes,

wood, or thickets as part of their guerrilla tactics. Later, bushwhacking came to mean "making

one's way through unbroken forest," by pushing bushes aside or breaking them.

Undaunted by such stalkers, and taking advantage of the greenery in which he hid and from

which he received sustenance, the little bush moved on. Weed-whacking the competition, he

made his way out of the woods to the big horticultural Show on a certain magic Tuesday in

March. This would be his telling encounter. Everyone in the forest was following his progress.

Some were fir him, others agin. All the firs were on pins and needles awaiting the result.

Could the little bush really do it? Would he go on from there to his final resting place? Would he

finally make it to his ultimate destination... and at last sink his roots into the fabled rose garden?

Stay Tuned

The Top Ten Ways to Select the

Republican Candidate for President

Oy Vey! Does the Republican Party have a problem! It's the large and unwieldy field of aspiring

presidential nominees, all of whom want to appear in upcoming debates. But space is limited.

Who should be left out? Who should get the call? And how should that be determined? Such a

dilemma!

A Modest Proposal

The answer is simple. Have candidates compete on the Nation's top reality TV shows. It's a

format they should all feel comfortable with. The GOP, after all, has had a long and contentious

relationship with reality. And reality shows are to reality what Fox News is to news.

The qualities we are looking for and the challenges... Drum roll please!

#10: Loveable Ignorance

Can't distinguish an opinion from a fact? Consider that a plus. In this game, it pays to be a dumb-

ass. Three things: Deficit is really spelled with a "c." There really is no "e" at the end of "potato."

Now what was that third thing?

#9: Specialized Knowledge

You really have to know something however. What better than a substantial grasp of trivial

information and a lack of understanding as to how those isolated facts actually relate to one

another, or the larger context in which they exist? Most important of all is your ability to answer

a question with a question.

#8: Down-Home Persona

Where's Joe the plumber when we really need him? Demonstrate your ability to create the facade

of ordinariness. Live in a duck blind. Shoot your partner inadvertently in the head without killing

him. Be one of the people, a down-home non-pretentious kind of guy, dislike modern

technology, disdain formal education, hate gays, extol your Christian heritage, not reveal your

entitled background. Ignore charges by those who claim to have known you "before you were a

virgin."

#7: A Trim and Sleek Image

How fast can you discard embarrassing baggage without causing a stir? It begins with your

ability to maintain a trim physical image despite suffering through a series of greasy spoon

specials, fried chicken dinners and pancake breakfasts.* That's only one aspect of this grueling

challenge, however. You also have to avoid discussing matters of substance. There's no place for

weighty issues if you hope to wage a successful campaign. Discard them as fast as you did the

pounds.

*Note: Tummy tucks not allowed.

#6: Financial Acumen

Every viable candidate has to fully understand the world of commerce -- how money works and

how to work with it. Create a cockamamie product, pass it off as something viable; and proceed

to convince a group of high bank-rollers to invest in it. Your product is actually a piece of crap,

but that shouldn't really matter. It's only a pretext for getting their support. The only thing that

matters is you. That it is what they are really buying into, and it is your job is to convince them

that that it is in their best interests to do so, e.g., you really understand that things do go better

with Koch.

#5: Guts and Grit

Test your ability to improvise on the run, negotiate foreign landscapes and confront unforeseen

challenges. Traversing several continents, you will participate in: a scavenger hunt in Benghazi,

leap into a corporate polluted river, bungee jump across an oil spill, sit for a home-made video,

clad in an orange jumpsuit in the middle of a desert, and host a social luncheon of spare ribs and

beer with Sunnis and Shiites at a Ramadi Inn.

#4: Thrift and Parsimony

Show the voters in no uncertain terms how little the average person really needs in order to have

a healthy and fulfilling life. Working from a random selection of food scavenged from a

dumpster, concoct a nutritious five course meal,* representing all major food groups, to be

served to others.

*Note: Ketchup does not count as a vegetable.

#3: Obliviousness

Demonstrate how easily a person can shut out the real world and ignore real world conditions.

Live for a week in a boarded up house in the Middle of Detroit, as part of a collective with

residents of the area, work in a fast-food joint and bear responsibility for several underage

children. Your ability to adjust to these conditions and be at home with them will be judged by

the residents who will vote members off as they cease to adapt.

#2a: Flexibility and Openness to Change

How easily can you accept erasure of your past and the creation of a new public image? A

professional Spin Doctor will work his miraculous skills on you, transforming your drab ordinary

self into a glamorous and attractive personage. Roll with the punches as he redoes all previous

positions, including statements in print, public utterances and voting record, making

embarrassing blemishes vanish in a flash -- especially those gained in earlier primaries. Winners

will feel neither shame nor discomfort as they segue comfortably into their new policy positions

and new persona.

#2b: Nimbleness and Dexterity

You can't represent the party well without being able to evade major issues and promote wedge

issues with panache.This means being able to think on your feet; avoid missteps, stay a step

ahead of the media by keeping your foot out of your mouth, and doing a quick shuffle while

answering questions. Above all, avoid stepping on the toes of supporters.

# 1: Je ne sais quoi

Do you really have that certain something? Enough to woo and win the hand of a charming

young vixen?... Guess who?

Hey Barack! All You Need Is Love, Love,

Love

It used to be, love me, love my dog. Now you’d better love your country just like me, or nobody

else will ever love you… A personal message to Rudy Giuliani in the form of a quickie history

lesson about love of country and his future as a figure whom future generations can love.

Memo: To Rudy Giuliani

Re: Love

Dear Rudy,

Could you take a moment from your busy day of sniping to join us for a brief stroll through

history?

I hate to break it to you. But, you, alas, are not the first to speak of undying love of country.

Someone beat you to it.

The shadow of greatness in such matters falls on a certain Nicholas Chauvin. He served gallantly

in the army of the First Republic and the Empire under Napoleon. Severely wounded, he retired

with little more than a ceremonial saber, a medal, and a meager pension.

Chauvin, however, continued to bask in the glory of the war and his idolatry of Napoleon, so

much so, that he became the laughing stock of his village.

Soon he attained national prominence, dramatists making him the subject matter of a number of

comedies, lampooning his undying affection for the Emperor. His name then became

synonymous with fanatical and unreasoning patriotism, making chauvinists of us all.

Count among them Stephen Decatur, the American naval hero, who counseled excess with

“…our country, right or wrong.”

Somewhat less flamboyantly, Francis Bellamy, a Baptist Minister, also exhorted simple loyalty

in his Pledge of Allegiance to the United States. Penned in a mere three hours, to honor the 400th

anniversary of Columbus’ discovery of America, the twenty three word composition was first

published in 1892 in the magazine, Youth’s Companion.

Twenty years earlier, however, it took an immigrant, Carl Schurz, to set things right. Schurz was

a German revolutionary, American statesman and reformer, U.S. Minister to Spain, Union Army

General in the American Civil War, U. S. Senator, and Secretary of the Interior. He apparently

had a few credentials to back him up. What exactly did he say? Oh yes: “Our country right or

wrong! When right to be kept right; when wrong, to be put right.”

You pays yer money and takes yer choice. I guess it’s a no-brainer as to where you stand, Rudy.

Chauvin has had his day. He’s come and gone— he’s so yesterday. Are you ready to step into his

big boots and take your proper place in history?

Let’s launch the campaign now. It’s time we all began using the term, “Gulianists.” It’s a fitting

tribute to you Rudy. You even have the proper Latin rudiments in your name, further

underscoring your roots in this matter. It’s the Latin rudis,”rude.”

These same roots will forever remind us how you really made your name. So that when your

biography is written, we’ll make sure to start and end each sentence with Nine-eleven.

HOT FLASH: ISIS Takes Responsibility

for Deflation-Gate

We’ve seen this movie before. Or have we? A barren desert background, a masked Islamic

terrorist or two, the ISIS flag, a forlorn prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, kneeling on the ground.

This time, however, something’s different.

Rather than their usual garb, the Islamists are bedecked in ash colored hunting shirts and

leggings; tri-corned hats sit firmly atop their heads. Their hands hold not beheading swords, but

18th century muskets. The prisoner bears a marked resemblance to Terry Bradshaw, former star

quarterback and now erstwhile Football analyst.

Peering into the camera, the two terrorists begin with a haunting chant: “Je suis Belichick.” It is

repeated thrice in sober tones; concluding with a prayerful coda, “The Patriots are all-knowing.

The Patriots are great.”

The taller of the two speaks: “Let the truth be known. We are the ones behind Deflate-Gate. We

alone are responsible for letting the air out of the balls.

This is no isolated incident, but part of a larger plan to subvert America’s most treasured

institution. Who do you think is responsible for the epidemic of brain dysfunction among NFL

athletes? Amazing what a few well-placed terrorists can accomplish by simply spiking a team’s

Gatorade.

As to the violence against women by NFL athletes, these are not random events but the result of

organized brainwashing by our operatives of athletes who have received training in the proper

role of women and their subservience to their husbands.

You cannot outrun our reach. ISIS is everywhere.” The other terrorist interjects, “I hate to be a

nudge, but I believe that’s ISIL.” “Whatever, the first replies, “You say ‘ISIS,’ I say ‘ISIL;’ let’s

just cut the infidel’s head off.”

He continues. “Let the entire sports world know that we and we alone have the balls to play the

Superbowl. They are nestled comfortably but firmly in our hands.

Our demands are simple and straightforward. If you want to save the life of this worthless

broadcaster, and proceed with this inane contest, send us two (holding up two fingers) tickets for

the game, on the fifty yard line, priority mail to Joe Terrorist, PO Box 6666, San’a, Yemen, 9-

11-2001.”

The other terrorist holds up five fingers.

“See you in Glendale,” they call out in unison, as a third terrorist comes into the picture, wearing

a Seahawk 12th man jersey and clutching a picture of Russell Wilson.

The screen goes dark.

For more visit us at

http://insomanywords.net/blog

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www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-paros

Larry Paros is a writer, teacher, lecturer and professional ne'er-do-well. He is also a

character featured in "In So Many Words." His published works range from

education and etymology to children's books. Included among them are: The Great

American Cliché, A Word with You America, The Erotic Tongue, Bawdy

Language, and Smashcaps.