Emotionally Controlling Relationships

Skills to Success, Inc. ©2008

The Emotionally Controlling Relationship™

The Poison Prince Charming Syndrome™


The Emotionally Controlling Relationship


Stage 1: Drug them

Disarm with charm

This is the roses, candy and dancing stage. This is when he declares undying love for you and that he will love you more than anybody else will ever love you. He comes on fast and takes your breath away. It feels like he is your Prince Charming.

He does things to sweep you off your feet. Unfortunately, when you have been swept off your feet, you only have one leg to stand on. At that point he begins to move into stage two.


Stage 2: Drain Them

If he loves me so much, why do I feel so bad?™

In stage two, he starts taking advantage of you. In the beginning he does it in small ways. He’s testing to see how much of a fuss/fight you’ll put up. He is testing to see how much he can get away with. And like a small child, the more he finds that he can take advantage of you, the more he does.

When you do stand up for yourself in stage 2, he uses manipulation as a tactic. He may refer to you as his mother, he may complain that you’re always on his case, he may withdraw his attention from you. His objective is to get you to back down and not speak up when he takes advantage.


Stage 2: Drain Them cont…

If he loves me so much, why do I feel so bad?™

Now, if you do stand up for yourself through the manipulation, he will use intimidation as a tactic. He may raise his voice, or use a steely tone. He may call you names or make comments in a biting, sarcastic manner. Again, the objective is to get you to back down.

If you continue to put your foot down and he believes you mean it, he reverts back to his hearts and roses behavior in Stage 1 until he feels that he has pacified you. Once you are “happy”, he begins Stage 2 over. Eventually this will wear you down.


Stage 3: Deplete Them

Hope springs eternal that Prince Charming will return

Women in stage three have had so much life energy drained from them that they can no longer stand up for themselves. This stage is just a matter of time before the woman develops some life-threatening illness or become mentally incapacitated. Women stay because hope springs that he will return to the man in Stage 1.


Manipulation Tactics

They use tactics to affect your emotional state so you will change your behavior.


Intimidation Tactics

They use tactics to affect your emotional state so you will change your behavior.


Poison Prince Charming Types: 2 Types

The Prince who wants to be king

•Objective – Have complete control

• Financial control

• Making all decisions

• Deciding for you

• Controlling access to you

• Directing you

The Prince who wants what he wants

•Objective –To take advantage

• Financially – Doesn’t pitch or pay his share

• Inequitable – Doesn’t pitch in

• Irresponsible

• Doesn’t account for his time

• Undependable


Poison Prince Charming Types: Approaches

The Prince who wants to be king

This Prince favors intimidation over manipulation, and can easily move from quiet to intense intimidation.

The Prince who wants what he wants

This Prince tends to use prefer to use manipulation, but will go to intimidation when needed.


Q:How Do Poison Princes Control Other People?

A. A Poison Prince Charming™ is able to control another person’s behavior by affecting their psychological/ emotional state. He uses behavioral tactics to trigger a negative emotional and psychological state in the person; such as a feeling or fear, low self-esteem, or a belief that she will be abandoned.

For many people it is uncomfortable to tolerate unpleasant states like the above, so instead they change their behavior to escape the circumstances that are “causing” their negative state. “They join the madness to get out of their misery.”


Example

Let’s say that in conversation that you tell your boyfriend that you’re frustrated because he has not kept his agreement to do something. He then accuses you of being critical just like his ex-wife always was. Bingo! He instantly deflects your issue with a manipulative comment designed to get you to drop the subject.

Unless you can manage your emotional and psychological stage and see his behavior for what it is (an attempt to get you to change your behavior), his comment may cause you to question yourself, bringing up self-doubt. This is very likely to trigger a bout of low self-esteem supported by a belief that you will be unlovable if you continue to do this.

So, you let the matter drop with him because it is so uncomfortable, almost to the point of it being emotionally incapacitating for you to feel this way. In essence, he is playing your emotional state against you


How They Emotionally Control Others

Let’s say he didn’t do what he said he would do.

1. You speak up for yourself.

2. He plays the victim, swiftly deflects the issue with a manipulative comment about what a evil person you are.

3.This triggers your self-doubt and reawakens any low self-esteem issues you have.


The Antidote

1. Work on healing the remaining wounds you have. Once they are healed them, the poison cannot have the same affect on you. See Bibliography of books with (*).

2. Practice increasing your tolerance of uncomfortable emotionally/psychological states.

3. Look for The Poison Prince Charming Syndrome™ in books, movies, life.

4. Learn how they work.

5. Learn to become emotionally impenetrable, impermeable, impassable, unpierceable unresponsive, immune to his tactics and secure in yourself. See next page on how to handle their them.

6. Beware of any man coming on strong to you. Poison Prince Charmings ™ use intensity as a substitute for intimacy. If the new relationship is moving fast this is generally not a good sign. Most healthy relationships develop over time.

7. Ask your friends what they think of the men you date.


WARNING!

Warning:

If you see yourself in this syndrome, and decide to leave the relationship, beware.

•If another “Prince Charming” shows up again, pay attention in Stage 1.

•He will use intensity to charm you which many mistake as intimacy.

•Ask your friends what they think and listen to them.


How to Stop Emotional Control

1.Choice

2.Consistency during testing phase

– Emotional courage

3.Consequences

– Emotional courage



Resources

Movies

Surviving Picasso

Songs

You Better Be Good to Me Rod Stewart

You Don’t Own Me Tina Turner


Bibliography

1. Why Men Love Bitches Sherry Argov2. Healing the Shame That Binds You* John Bradshaw3. The Gift of Fear Galvin DeBecker4. The Emotional Abused Woman** Beverly Engel5. The Verbally Abusive Relationship** Patricia Evans6. Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out** Patricia Evans7. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers* Debbie Ford8. Addiction to Perfection* Gerald Jampolsky9. Make Friends With Your Shadow* William A. Miller10. Embracing Your Inner Critic* Hal Stone & Sidra Stone 11. The Shadow King* Sidra Stone12. The Boyfriend Test Wendy L. Walsh13. How Men Think Adrienne Wendell

* Books to help heal emotional wounds** Books that explain The Verbally Abusive Relationship Syndrome

Education

Emotionally Controlling Relationships