Download pdf - Foolish times December Issue

December 2014

A Holiday Tradition...

12 Christmas Chuckles by Derrick Wood

www.foolishtimes.net2 December 2014 www.foolishtimes.net

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www.foolishtimes.netwww.foolishtimes.net 3December 2014

What the Bleep isFoolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their asso-ciated pen pals, up to and including cock-atiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its sto-ries, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of FoolsChucklehead.......................Stevie P.Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q.Sales Fool..............................Hunter T.Art Fool..............................Morgan M.Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde

ContributorsBini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Brian Iglesias, Daria

James, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman,

Chuck Scardina, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Monty Truitt, Henry

Tunahuna, Derrick Wood

Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038www.foolishtimes.net

The Chucklehead SpeaksThere are two sides to every story. There is Yin and Yang, Laurel and Hardy and what goes up must come down. What I’m referring to is the heat I took for dusting of the cover of last year’s December issue drawn by local icon Chuck Scardina and illustrated by our very Art Fool, Morgan M. and running it for the second time.

Pete and Repeat? I like to think of it as creating a tradition. A tradition is a behavior or action that you engage in again and again. Done correctly, it lends a certain magic, spirit and texture to our everyday lives. This is sounding more and more like an addiction to me. Never the less, we are starting a tradition and reusing this great piece of art on our December cover and to add to that, we also brought back the 12 Christmas Chuckles by cartoonist Derrick Woods.

To all of you…embrace the old traditions, create new addictions and enjoy this wonderful Holiday Season. Thank you for supporting the advertisers, we couldn’t bring humor into your lives without them. See you in 2015; it’s going to be a great year!

Stevie P. / [email protected]

Editor’s NoteAt the risk of sounding completely unoriginal—I can’t believe the end of the year is here. Twelve issues are behind us. What an incredible group of contributors and advertisers we have. Year-in-and-year-out we can count a them to be a part of the foolishness we create each month. They bring their good humor, funny insights and silly thoughts to help make this magazine one to laugh at. And we like that! It’s a good thing!

Whatever your holiday plans this year, we hope you’ll find a place in them for Foolish Times. I envision dinner around the table and with family and friends reading a favorite joke or quote from a favorite writer. That’s my holiday wish—that you celebrate with laughter. Magic happens when we laugh—especially when we laugh out loud! So have a good guffaw on us!

Susie Q. / [email protected]

4 December 2014 www.foolishtimes.net

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On The First Day of Christmas...

Jogging ShoesDeciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoes, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”

“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

Say What?An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

On Your OwnMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”

“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

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On The Second Day of Christmas...

L - Laugh long and loud. A robust rib-rattler improves not only your mood, but also you health. They physical act of laughing helps you stay alert, makes it easier to cope and let’s you maintain your sanity when the world gets a little crazy.

A - Admit you’re human (It’s true, isn’t it?) and laugh at yourself. People who have mastered Living 101 take their work seriously, but not themselves. Knowing the difference gives you the keys to the kingdom.

U - Up your laugh quotient. Nothing may be more important to your health and happiness. The average American laughs 15 times daily. So eat your broccoli and get a megadose of Vitamin L every day.

G - Generate mirth wherever you go. Good humor is the best business and social lubricant. It smoothes understanding, communication and cooperation. Make it your mission to elicit as many smiles as you can each day.

H - Help yourself succeed without stressing out.Humor is nature’s antidote for tension. Let it be your secret weapon when you’re up to you eyeballs in alligators. It’s fast, it’s fun, it’s free. No other stress buster can make this claim.

I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year. That’s because it’s on my charge card

statement that long!


By BiniComments Welcome: [email protected]

Aries - March 21 - April 19the Ram

New Beginning & End of Year. New start, new way, new day. If only you knew the real reason that drew you in, in the first place. Now you are faced with a forked tongue in the road hissing you towards lawlessness! You can’t look back unless all you want for Christmas is your two front teeth.

Taurus - April 20 - May 20the Bull

You are just swimming in E-XMAS-SY. When was the last time you had so much emotion? Not anger, I mean love. You perse-vere when less determined spirits fall by the wayside. Now you can adhere to a more loveable daily existence. Settle your brain for a long winter’s invite into a daily quarrel of chipmunk love. Kuks & Quaas….just nuts about you...

Gemini - May 21 - June 20the Twins

OH Chrissy-mus-Oh Chris-sy-mus...sounds like pumice-light and holey. While consuming hu-man shaped biscuits may be in-spiring, you may want to sum up the qualities of the Hallmark card you sent to a promising signifi-cant other. Was it brimming with communicativeness? Or busy like a scene from a historically Pagan holiday? You may well marvel at your ever misleading abyss of re-sponsiveness.

Cancer - June 21 - July 22the Crab

Do you hear what I hear? A calling on the wind Sushila … Appear strong & proud little crusta-cean upon your rocky crag … because

you have a bunch of butt-naked carolers waging to mock you. You know better than to pout or throw cabbage. HAVE FAITH because here comes a Tsu-nami! WOW, sweet the tide has turned into a TIRAMISU-SHILA.

Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion

A Ho Ho Ho and a Ha Ha Ha! That laugh of yours is what draws people to you! Oh ravenous mon-arch nothing is too good for you. Don’t turn around BUB you may be pelted by a variety of missiles. Dr. Clement Moore may have lent you the red suit, but the rights say Coca Cola Red. I know you want to be big and bright, just keep laughing all the way. But “They” want his suit back, or they’ll be a suit against YOU!

Virgo - August 23 - September 22the Virgin

Yes Virgonia, there is a Santa Claus! All you want for Christmas is some Prada shoes so you can be decked out in the halls of folly. You have misled that toe for that last time. You can not afford two elf feet. Will do you a world of good to TRUST in your very own twinkle toes, your cheeks like roses, and a nose like a cherry. Wow, did you eat a bowl full of jelly?

Libra - September 23 - October 22the Scales

Do you see what I see...A star, a star…you just can’t help your own jolly intoxication. So far you have sacrificed the crew, you have overindulged on Kraft Services, and you’re nose deep in the snow. What’s next, firing the cast?! You really don’t need anyones approval, do you!? Make the picture your selfie.

Scorpio - October 23 - November21 the Scorpion

Order, order in the house of Bill-repute! Do you see how quickly it all gets out of hand, over-spending on XMAS, and you are usually clever with money. I see your sock fetish is heating up too. Careful, if your last resort is to extort Cindy Lou Who stockings, you’ll be turning Grinchy. Saint Nick will pop you in the Chin-see. St. Nick was born in Turkey and had to move to Italy. Perhaps you need to make a move too so you can have an EPIPHANIA.

Sagittarius - November 22December 21 the Archer

Naughty! The punishment for damaging property such as sleigh bells or even Reindeer is as bad as getting a poisonous arrow of mistletoe in your rumpus. While you await sentencing, bumpus over to the Mall for an upbeat over-spending spree which will only temporarily repress your tru-est desires for love. Consider shaping your mouth into a bow, to receive your Birthday smooches before being put away in a manger without a savior!

Capricorn - December 22January 19 the Goat

Whistle, shout or rub soot on your pout! MAKE IT UP sugar plum. Looking deeply into the eye of history we made the whole Christmas thang up too. So if you have self-doubt, just tell it goodbye, good luck, and good riddance! There are a lot more chimneys to explore...Chim Chim Cheree!

Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18the Water-carrier

You are being such a knicker bocker picker! Uncross your arms. With that kind of obstinacy all you are going to get is your knickers in a bunch. Saturnalia was a hard-core party, it took centu-ries to mask all it’s roots. So be patient, change takes time dearest dancer and prancer of rhyme and unreasonableness. Focus on that which you wish to change. Reference how subtle each snowflake sparkles...not the same.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20the Fishes

The oldest and the wisest trees are those of the sea … your ladder into the land of mis-rule. Put one fin in front of the other and stay clear the net of a hard-luck story. Remember you have just come from the depths, the core of nebulised fools gold. Sled your way over to accept your Earth-ly Award for finally learning how to say NO. (No PUFFER FISH behavior tolerated though).

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.


A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at [email protected]

1 lb cream cheese, softened to room temperature4 oz gruyere cheese, grated4 oz asiago cheese, grated2 oz mixed additional cheese for top8 oz crab meat, Dungeness8 oz artichoke bottoms or hearts, diced½ bunch scallions, chopped1 oz brandy or cream sherry1 T Worcestershire sauce1 tsp Tabasco sauce1 tsp Old Bay seasoning1 tsp lemon juice

1. Preheat oven to 375ºF. Lightly coat bottom and sides of bowl or ramekins with oil spray or butter.2. Separate crab body meat from claw and leg meat and check for internal shell pieces.3. In a bowl, blend the cheeses, seasonings, and liquid ingredients. 4. Fold in the artichoke, crab meat (reserving some of the leg and claw meat to garnish the top) and scallions.5. Fill bowl or ramekins with mixture leaving ¼ inch to the top for slight expansion and bubbling. Set pieces of crab claw and leg meat on top and press into the mixture.6. Top sparsely with additional cheese and bake in the oven for 15 – 20 minutes or until bubbly and brown on top. You may need to set ramekins under a broiler for additional light browning or melting, depending on your oven.7.Serve with crostini or crackers.

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Chairman of the Board, ACF & LTB Monterey Bay Chapters

On The Third Day of Christmas...

The Three Stages of ManHe believes in Santa Claus.He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.He is Santa Claus.

I Know SomethingI figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like10. Hey! There’s a gift!9. Well, well, well …8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.2. To think — I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the number one thing to say about a Christmas gift you don’t like:1. “I really don’t deserve this.”

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of

Jesus or General Electric.


By Chuck Shepherd

On The Fourth Day of Christmas...

Lead Story - Find That Genius! Beijing Genomics Institute scientists are closing in on a technology to allow parents to choose, from several embryos, the one most likely to yield the smartest offspring. London’s Daily Mail (in January, referencing recent work in Wired, The Wall Street Journal and The New Yorker) explained that BGI will have identified high-potential mathematics genes (by mapping the cells of geniuses) so that researchers can search for those among a couple’s array of embryos. (Most embryos will yield gene arrays resembling their parents’, but one embryo is likely “better”— and maybe much better.)

One Chinese researcher acknowledged the “controversial” nature of the work, “especially in the West,” but added, “That’s not the case in China.” The parental price tag on finding the smartest kid? Expensive, said a supporter, but less than upgrading an average kid via Harvard, or even a private prep school.

Can’t Possibly Be True• “This (was) my life,” said musician Boujemaa Razgui in December, referring to the 13 handmade flutes that he played professionally, “and now they’re gone.” Arriving in New York City from Madrid with the 13 woodwinds in his checked luggage, he was shocked to discover that U.S. Customs had destroyed them without notice because “wood” is

a restricted “agricultural” import. (Unsophisticated agents had apparently regarded them as mere bamboo.) Razgui plays all over the world including, since 2002, with the Boston Camerata ensemble staged by the city’s Museum of Fine Arts.• In February, a California Highway Patrol officer handcuffed and threatened to arrest a firefighter performing an emergency roadside rescue along Interstate 805 in Chula Vista, Calif., because the rescuer would not move his truck from the fast lane, where it was “impeding” traffic. Firefighters are required to block lanes during rescues, specifically to “impede” traffic for their own protection and that of victims nearby. CHP and the Chula Vista firefighters later jointly called the incident a “miscommunication.”• Oregon inmate Sirgiorgio Clardy, 26, filed a handwritten $100 million lawsuit in January against Nike for inadequately marketing its Air Jordans. Clardy, a convicted pimp, had received an “enhanced” penalty for using a “dangerous weapon” to maim the face of a john, i.e., he had stomped and kicked a man after accusing him of skipping out on a payment, and the “dangerous weapon” was apparently his shoe. Clardy said Nike bears at least some responsibility for his incarceration because it failed to label the shoe a “dangerous weapon.”him.)

Nathan walks into Gaspers Jewelers on Christmas Eve. “I would like to buy my wife a

necklace for Christmas.” “This sir is a wonderful necklace. It’s $300.”

“Too expensive.” he said. The sales clerk returned with another necklace for $100.

“Still far too much.” Nathan said quite irritated. “I said I want to see something really cheap.

The sales girl handed him a mirror! (I would like to meet that girl)

Submitted by the very funny Tony Deakin. Tony & Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor.Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed

by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500


Answers on page 24

There is only one rule:Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Qualityby Quarlen Qurossman

1. “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.”A. Dick GregoryB. Mitch McConnell

2. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, ‘Yes, ‘you know he is a crook.”A. Mother TeresaB. Groucho Marx

3. “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”A. Sir Francis DrakeB. Lily Tomlin

4. “Too bad ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”A. Henry KissingerB. John Adams

5. “I’ve decided that perhaps I’m bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.”A. Paula PoundstoneB. Queen Elizabeth II

6. “Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.”A. Attila the HunB. William Goldman

7. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!”A. Dolly PartonB. Dolley Madison

8. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”A. Joan RiversB. Lady Bird Johnson

Answers (all true): 1-A 2-B 3-B 4-A 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-A

Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Nauseous 5-6 Boring 3-4-Dainty 1-2-Rude 0- Nervous

Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at

quotationquotient.com.

On The Fifth Day of Christmas...


By Debbie Harris

Re-gifting involves certain mental skills — like remembering who the gift came from so you don’t give it back to the

same person.

Re-gifting: A Special TalentOk, I admit it. I’ve been known to re-gift, you know, give something that was given as a gift to me to someone else as a gift. I consider it a form of going green, of recycling. After all, I’m giving something that I couldn’t use to someone who may be able to use it. It’s ecological and also helpful during those economic downturns when I still want to participate in a gift-giving event. But re-gifting can get complicated.

Re-gifting involves certain mental skills—like remembering who the gift came from so you don’t give it back to the same person. You also have to consider if the person you’re giving the re-gift to might be around the person from whom the gift originated. Sometimes you have to throw the dice and play the odds.

The other mental skill that successful re-gifting requires is thoughtful consideration. Be sure the gift is appropriate for the receiver. If your receiver is allergic to cats, don’t give him the “I <3 Cats” coffee mug. If the giftee is a size large, don’t give her the size medium novelty tee-shirt. Inappropriate gifts give away a re-gift immediately.

Re-gifting requires storage. I had an entire closet where I kept the old gifts waiting for a new owner, kind of an adult’s version of The Island of Mis-fit Toys. For a while, I’d catch out of season sales and add to the closet to give it a

wider selection, but it got pretty full and I had to stop. Besides, how much 50 percent off perfume can you give as gifts?

I have a suspicion that re-gifting is genetic. My mother has done it for years and the older she gets, the less skilled she is at it. At Christmas few years ago, she seemed to give up trying to remember where the gifts came from and just gave them out. The iced tea maker that I’d given her a couple of years prior became a gift from her to my brother and sister-in-law, while the velour

sweatshirt that they’d given her the prior year was gifted over to me. I don’t know what happened to the iced tea maker, but I wear the sweatshirt every winter. I love it. See a re-gifting success!

Even though my mother is a re-gifter, she’s found a way to make a gift of hers immune from re-gifting. Instead of using a post-it note attached to the box the gift is in, my mother writes in big, I-used-to-take-shorthand letters, the recipient’s name on the box, maybe even adding the holiday or occasion for which she plans to give the gift. She says that it’s so she’ll remember, but I know she just wants to make her re-gift be the final one.

I don’t re-gift very much anymore. My inventory is low and I’m less willing to maintain it. I guess I’ve gotten lazy. I love to give gift cards, although I’ll confess that I’ve re-gifted those too. Some habits never die. May we all enjoy a wonderful holiday season and enjoy all that comes our way, re-gifted or not!

Importance of beingFOOLISH

What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a

duck? A Christmas Quaker.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?

Santa Pause!

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snow bank.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

Because of all the wrapping!

What did Mary Poppins want from Santa?

Supercalifragilisticexpialis-nowshoes!

What do you get when you cross a snowman

with a vampire? Frostbite.

What is red, white and blue at Christmas time?

A sad candy cane!

Where do reindeer go to dance?

Christmas balls!

Knock, knock… Who’s there?

Chris! Chris who? Christmas!

Knock, knock… Who’s there?

Mary! Mary who?

Merry Christmas!

Madam Mermaid Milena has buoyantly gone where no Mermaid has gone before! Milena speaks: When Poseidon’s

burp ravaged the seas and I was cast into a shallow pool in the city of Angels I was flipper-gasted after seeing

Christmas stolen by the media’s menacing marketing tentacles! I understand life is a bitch on a stick that you can’t stop licking. But I will assure you that the best whale of a time I ever had was in the wake of discovering my own depth. I’m still wading for you all to join me in

this Fools-Holiday...splash!


By Ted Gargiulo

We’ve seen them on the evening news: people who have lost their homes to a major disaster that devastated the entire community. Everything these people have ever owned or worked for, their family dwellings, priceless treasures they’ve built and collected and cherished their whole lives, wiped out in a single day! In an hour! The tragedy seems staggering! Yet, even as homeowners are traipsing through the ruins, they often tell reporters, “It’s only stuff. At least we have each other. We can always rebuild.”

Ever wonder if these folks

really believe that? Or is the expression “only stuff” little more than a simplistic, pseudo-pious bromide victims’ chant to console themselves after their earthly substance has been summarily snatched out from under them? Sorry if that sounds impertinent. But if having one’s life and family

is all important to them — and I’m not saying it isn’t — why wasn’t it enough all those years they spent pouring their hard-earned money into stuff they now claim doesn’t matter? Why didn’t they didn’t tell themselves that in the first place?Because obviously stuff matters!It mattered yesterday; it matters now. Why else would people even bother rebuilding?

Suppose, gentle reader, that you were the victim in this piece. Suppose some wise clairvoyant had told you years ago that your dream home, future business, church, school, or what-have-you would one day burn to the ground, or perish in a flood or earthquake? Would that vision have prompted you to change your plans? Had you seen the end from the beginning, might you have spared yourself years of hump-wrenching toil and sacrifice and settled for a simpler, safer, more Spartan lifestyle? Say, a small tent? The clothes on your back? The few piddling resources you and your family couldn’t manage without … like food, water, toilet facilities?

Oh yes, and a television? You’re shaking your head. No freaking way! I figured you’d say that.

Suppose I told you everything you own is overrated. Everything you paid good money for is overrated. Everything your parents gave you, everything your kids made for you, everything you worked three jobs and went into debt to acquire is overrated. Everything you’re planning to buy and receive for Christmas this year —overrated! The only thing that truly matters is that you and your loved ones are safe and alive, in good health and well provided for. If you don’t believe me, believe the sadder, wiser folks who’ve been through the worst. Maybe you should give the malls a rest this season. Forget Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Stay home and do nothing.

Okay, I admit, sitting around a bare tree, counting your blessings with family and friends, doesn’t sound like much of a holiday. In fact, it bloody well sucks! So why not forget all the nonsense you just read and go hog-wild this season, the way you’ve always done. Sing:

Parcels and presents and parties and pastry,Tinsel and turkey and eggnog so tasty,Shopping one’s butt off all over the map …This is just some of my favorite crap!Gadgets and gizmos and pots in the sink-ee, Garland and wrapping and lights that go blink-ee,Mistletoe, magic and corks that go “pop!”…This is just some of my favorite slop!Enjoy the season. Stuff matters!

So why not forget all the nonsense

you just read and go hog-wild this

season.

S T u f f

On The Sixth Day of Christmas...

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

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By Rosie Sorenson

After sharing a story of some personal misfortune, people often comment, “But I don’t want your pity.” What they don’t say, but do mean is, “I am, after all, an American; I don’t need your pity. I don’t need anyone. I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.” Even if you point out to them that they have no boots, let alone straps, their response will be “Well, never mind. We’re Americans dammit. We’re a land of individualists, not a bunch of pansy-assed socialists. We can handle anything!”

I’m not sure this attitude is all that helpful. In fact, I’m convinced it’s about time we give pity its due. I discovered the value of well-timed pity quite by accident four years ago. I had just spent 15 minutes confiding in my sweetheart Steve about some painful event when I noticed his eyes drifting over to the TV for the fifth time. I chastised him for not paying attention, for not giving my pain its proper respect. “Dammit,” I said, “You’re not listening to me. I need some pity here!”

“Well, that’s what I was trying to give you,” he replied.

“No,” I said, “not even close. That was pretty lousy pity. In fact, that was downright crappy. What I want is pretty pity, not crappy pity.” At that point we started to laugh. Then we worked out a new system. Now, if one of us is having a bad day, the other one will say, “Would you like some crappy pity or some pretty pity? (In our view, crappy pity is better than no pity at all). The pity-provider will then turn to the pity-needer and say in a cooing voice, “Poor baby, poor baby, poor baby, that

was a terrible thing that person said (or did). That shouldn’t have happened to you. Poor baby, do you feel better now or do you need some more pity?” It may sound silly, but it makes us feel better to give and receive comfort for whatever hurts.

In fact, it works so well for

us that I’ve come to believe that properly timed pity has the capacity to counter our national destructive obsession with non-neediness. I would, therefore, like to propose to President Obama a new Cabinet Position—“Pity-Provider in Chief.” If called upon by my President to serve, I would of course be obliged to say, “Yes.”

As the PPIC, I would go on TV once a week and provide troubled Americans with a healthy dose of pity, because isn’t that what we all need right now? “Can’t get any credit for your small business?” Poor baby, poor baby. “Your son and daughter just moved back in with you?”Poooorrrrr poooorr baby. “Lost another job?” Poooooooorrrrrr poooooorrr pitiful baby.

I think the problem with George W. Bush was that no one gave him enough of “poor baby, poor baby” when he was young, especially when he was five years old and his three-year-old sister died of leukemia. According to reports, his parents hadn’t even told George that his sister was ill.

They just came home from the

hospital one day and informed him that his sister had died and oh, by the way, they were going out for a round of golf.

Just imagine how much better off the world would have been if the Silver Fox had folded young Georgie into her abundant bosom and cooed to him, “Poor baby, I’m so very sorry you’ve lost your sister―poor baby.”

Could have saved us a lot of grief.

What I want is pretty pity, not

crappy pity

Tis a Pity

On The Ninth Day of Christmas...

Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News, and others. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition for 2007 and is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck website. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. In 2006, she won its Listener Favorite Award. Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.

The year you stop believing in Santa Claus is the year you start getting clothes for

Christmas.


Answers on pg 24

It’s Frosty Outside!

Closed Thanksgiving

By Lily Brun

Snow Ice Cold Silk Hat Carrot Coal Scarf Twigs Jolly Cob Pipe Dance Broomstick Goodbye Wave Button Laugh Play Alive

Mistletoe? Missaltow? Missile Tow?As a kid, I could never understand the talk about kissing under the mistletoe. It just sounded too weird. What was it? The only thing I knew about toes was that I had 10 and I couldn’t imagine why anyone would stand under them and kiss me or even how that could happen. So, of course, that didn’t make any sense. I had a missal in church, but it certainly didn’t have toes of any kind. And I for sure didn’t tow it around behind me; that would have brought some serious trouble my way.

My childhood years were colored by the Cold War, so

missiles were talked about a lot. Could it be that they were in some way being towed and then dropped? Even if that were so, I was pretty sure no kissing was taking place in that scenario.

When my Dad finally hung it by the front door a few weeks before Christmas and then swooped me up and planted a kiss on my cheek just because it was above our heads, it made both of us laugh and giggle. I was happy. Aha, this is what mistletoe is I realized, something that makes people happy.

But why? Why would a scruffy looking bunch of leaves tied with a red ribbon hanging from the entryway light make people happy? I asked my Dad, he

said, “Tradition.” For a kid that response is fine, but when my kids started asking me the same questions I figured it was time to find out about this tradition.

Mistletoe (Phoradendron leucarpum) found here in North America is a quirky plant in my book. it’s a parasite, meaning it has to have a host to survive. It’s name may come from the Anglo-Saxon words mistel, for dung, and tan, for twig. Misteltan is an Old English word for mistletoe. There is a school of thought that mistletoe was named after bird droppings on a branch.

Ok, let’s recap: a parasite with a name that basically means poop on a tree. And yes, we’re supposed to stand under this and kiss - how romantic could that be? There must be something more to this.

The tradition of hanging it in a house supposedly comes from the ancient Celtic Druids who believed it held magical powers that could bring good luck and ward off evil spirits; most likely a necessary household item for the times. Also, in Norse mythology it was used as a sign of love and friendship - not sure why they

chose a plant named after bird droppings - but it’s mythology remember.

The custom for kissing under it comes from England as part of the kissing ball ceremony. A young lady standing under the brightly decorated ball of mistletoe could not refuse a kiss. The magic came in what happened because of the kiss - romance, friendship and goodwill presumably. Not sure, but then traditions are sometimes complicated.

I know that the giggles I shared with my Dad because of this tradition were magical - and they had nothing to do with my toes. thank goodness.Ok, let’s recap: a

parasite with a name that basically means

poop on a tree.

My New Year’s Resolution is to break

my New Year’s Resolutions....That way I succeed at

something!


By Richard Matranga

The most excruciating loss between the diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease and the progression to an inevitable demise is the loss of personal independence.

Any device that promises to extend the period of time we can function independently is going to receive attention. As a generation of boomers shifts into the “Golden Years,” a growing list of manufacturers is responding to the demand for “assistive” devices like rolling walkers, power chairs, scooters, vibrators, etc.

I took the bait after being advised that my health insurance provider would “spring” for a power chair, “attractively priced” at just under $6,000. The rationale, at least with us “Parkies,” is that it is better to pay $6,000 for a power chair than $60,000 to a hospital for a broken hip or brain injury.

I have taken some spectacular tumbles over the past few years. There was the running dive at full speed on the pavement outside of my favorite restaurant and the header off of a steep bank next to my house. (I preferred the fall at the restaurant … I guess it was the applause I received from the small but appreciative crowd that formed to watch me peel myself from the pavement.)

Afterwards, I went home, tripped on a branch and fell in the “burn pile.” I tried to keep that one a secret but the “singed” eyelashes were a dead giveaway. My charred car keys and melted cell phone turned up a few days later so I would have been busted either way.

I decided it was time to make a genuine effort to minimize the number of falls and extend the period of time that I could cling to my “independence.”

I made an appointment with a sales representative from the “scooter” store. He came right to the house. He measured doorways, checked out my gait and discussed different models and options with me. He made me feel right at home. He left stating that he would obtain the approval with my health insurance company.

I felt like I had taken back some ground in the war with the

disease. The scooter store got back to me within a couple of week. The authorization for a power chair was denied.

I turned to Craigslist and found the “Jet 3, Ultra, Power Chair, Model 4500” with candy apple red body, mag type wheels and even a seat belt.

Plop your rear in this sucker wrap your hand around the joy stick and in four-tenths of a second you can destroy a couple of walls or commit vehicular manslaughter if some poor fool happens to be in the path of destruction.

I have run into every wall in the house, nailed the cabinets, run over a few animals, some headphones, my collection of CDs a few times and even my own foot.

I would really like to end this little “vignette” but my Jet 3 is tangled up between the carpet and the computer desk and I am jammed in the middle and it will be nine hours before any other human being will know that I am in trouble … Gosh, I’m hungry.

The Assistive Device

I tried to keep that one a secret but the “singed” eyelashes

were a dead giveaway.

Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in

Washington.

How Was Your Christmas Meal?

We had Grandma for Christmas dinner.

Really? We had turkey.


After you are put in the cell with the worst criminals in town; murderers, bank robbers, and thieves, those cellmates ask why you are in jail. You tell them, and they, being from Berkeley say, “Oh the horror! Stay away from him! We have Java Juice, herbal tea, liquid yogurt, soy milk and you drink soda? That is disgusting!

Next you come before the judge, “Since this is your first offense, I am sentencing you to 40 hours of community service working for the Acme Juicer Corporation making healthy fruit juice and giving out free samples.” So the first assignment the Acme Juicer Corp. gives you is outside of the city at a big box store. As you are setting up, you notice that down the aisle are 36 cases of sodas for sale, untaxed. An idea pops into your head, “I’ll buy the soft drinks here, load up my 71 VW bus and be an illegal soft drink distributor in Berkeley.”

So a year later, you are in Berkeley on Trinidad Street and an old saying, (apologies to the Andrew Sisters’ song, “Rum and Coca Cola”) slightly altered, is reborn, “If you ever go down to Trinidad, I make you feel so very glad. You be drinking root beer and Coca Cola as I be working for the Yankee dollar.”

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Elections bring out some of the strangest items to vote on in California. How did this state ever survive in the past without all these odd propositions and measures? For instance, take the sugary drink tax in Berkeley. This is suppose to prevent diabetes and keep people from getting fat. They did not ban soda mind you, they just taxed it. Where have I heard this before, the government taxing you for your own good?

So now after it passes, when you walk down some dark street in Berkeley, you hear “psst, psst, come over hear.” A guy opens his London Fog coat and there are cans of colas hanging from the inside: “I got a special deal for you, a can of Shasta Cola for only 40 cents, untaxed.” You look around to see if any cops are watching, give the guy his 40 cents and slither away into the night. You get home, pull down the shades, turn the lights down low, get a glass, put some ice in it and pour your cola and “ahhhh!” enjoy the good taste.

Suddenly there is a loud knock on the door. “It’s the police open up!” You panic. You think, “How do I get rid of the evidence; maybe the garbage disposal. Oh no, the can will ruin it and the shards of aluminum will still be there.” Just then the door is busted open. The cops rush in, guns drawn and you are placed in handcuffs. The head cop picks up the can and says, “This is worse than I thought. It is not Pepsi or Coca Cola. It is the dreaded Shasta Cola with more sugar than any other soft drink.”

He asks, “What’s wrong with you?” You simply answer, “It hasta be Shasta.” The cop says, “Take him down and throw him in the can.”

A guy opens his London Fog coat

and there are cans of colas hanging from the inside.

The Berkeley Sugary Drink Taxby Rex Keyes

The Riotous RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

On The Tenth Day of Christmas...

Why Rudolf’s Nose is Red Famed Rudolf’s a red-nosed reindeer

I know of no other, I fear Gene Autry’s song about his is quite revealing But more of interest in what it’s concealing

Politically, his nose could not be red For communism, they say, is nearly dead Nor is his proboscis running and rheumy

For then his outlook would be dour and gloomy We know that this is not the case

Cause he leaps and jumps all over the place So please afore I go to bed

Why is Rudolf’s nose so red? The key to this is his leather collar

For which santa paid a pretty dollar To keep off, of course, the ticks and fleas

Which cause the poor deer to scratch and sneeze Rudolf’s nose is so red, if you please, Cause leather is one of his allergies

Once again it’s the old reprise The cure is worse than the disease.

Aachooo! and Happy Holidays.

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.


$29

831.648.1038

By Daria James

Mira, WOW!Feliz Navidad!December is the last month of the year; the end tends to bring people together, against their will in some cases. Hanukkah, Kwanza, El Dia de la Virgen de Guadalupe, Christmas, and we close it out with New Year’s! My liver hurts just thinking about all the alcohol I will have to consume to put up with relatives. But it’s alright; my liver is a team player.

Mexican Christmas involves drinking, grandma cooking for 100 people, cervezas, fireworks, candy, tios, tias, more cerveza, jokes, bragging about the offspring’s accomplishments and arguing. Wow, Christmas sounds a lot like birthdays, Quinceañeras, weddings, independence day,

Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, El Dia del Niño and flag day. Phew! I’m exhausted!

Seriously speaking, when we come closer to the end we tend to take inventory of ourselves and our actions, we cut ourselves some slack and a piece of ham, diets are for January and we give up by Valentine’s Day or until we find a mate, then we gain some more weight. Going out on dates can take a toll on our bodies and in many cases our wallets. Well, if you are a guy, chivalry comes with a price. For all you free-spirited girls, be a lady but take charge, that’s what dates like it to be all about. Who doesn’t like a woman in charge?! This is 2014, and almost 2016!

New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Eat less 2. Exercise more 3. Try not to pass out from hunger. Blah, blah, blah, good time to own a gym.

The end of the year is near, study for your tests, balance your budget and be kind to one another, love without restraints (unless you’re into leather, am I right?!) Do not dance like nobody is looking, believe they are not. Spend less time with your phone and more time living life. Life is not meant to be lived through a small little screen, your eyes are HD. Remember when we used to interact with other human beings, we talked over drinks and we would laugh. Now we show pictures on our cellphones, lifeless

Do not dance like nobody is looking, believe they are

not.

artifacts do not make me feel alive. There is not app for that!

Life is like a mirror, give it a smile and it will smile back. Do not let negativity hold you back, do what makes you happy, unless what makes you happy is a crime. Forgive your enemies, for they are not wise. Am I the better person? Well, yes I am!

Shout out to all my fans, and all the loyal readers of the Foolish Times. Hugs and kisses, I do not need a mistletoe for that.

On The Eleventh Day of Christmas...

During Christmas you buy gifts with

the next year’s money

23December 2014www.foolishtimes.netwww.foolishtimes.net

A decade ago, when online poker was legal, a vanquished opponent wrote, “you are such an ahole” in the chat box. A new word (to my naiveté) but most of us have probably been refer-enced thusly by someone at some time. It can pass through profanity filters online, and is the modern form of “a-hole,” which the online Merriam-Webster dictionary says was first used in 1942.

Hey, let’s pounce on the opportunity, provided by “ahole,” to note other derogatory holes!

All of us know an annoying “Bhole” or two, and “Choles” are so wearisome….Bhole - a person who Borrows, but rarely returns, items.Chole - a constant Complainer.Dhole - does not pay his Debts.Ehole - is not very Ethical.Fhole - cannot get through a sentence without using the F-word.Ghole - rarely expresses Gratitude for anything. Tends to also be a Chole.Hhole - a Holy-roller, full of religious fervor.Ihole - an extremely self-centered person. I think, I want, I am, I know ...Jhole - Joyless, no fun to be with.Khole - thinks the various Kennedys were all so wonderful. Detests Nholes.Lhole - a poor Listener. Often also an Mhole.Mhole - someone whose Mouth is always open, talking.Nhole - still thinks of Richard Nixon as wonderful. Detests Kholes.Ohole - chock-full of unsolicited Opinions.Phole - Procrastinator.Qhole - never really answers

Questions. Synonym for politician.Rhole - pompously Righteous, either religiously or ideologically.Shole - a Sloppy, messy person.Thole - rarely says Thank You.Uhole - an extremely Unaware person.Vhole - thinks that Victory is everything, regardless of the means.Whole - Worries all the time.Xhole - a porn addict.Yhole - does not appreciate Yoda.Zhole - Zombie-like, asleep with eyes open.

Note that all the “holes” are derogatory. They form a “class,” and I propose:

derogatation, n. A slang word or phrase that is completely and intentionally derogatory.

derogatar, n. ‘Derogatory avatar’. The strongest, or best, derogatation that begins with a specific letter of the alphabet and has a specific ending. The derogatar of “P” and “hole,” for example, is Phole. The derogatar of J and “loser” might be Jloser (can’t hold a Job); a Closer wears awful Clothes; a Dloser is a poor Dancer; an Mloser never has any Money. See how easy and fun this is? Other ending-words for derogatars might be “dumb,” and “snob,” since there are many kinds of ignorance and snobbishness.

Help spread the holes! If you become adept at using them, you might become reverentially re-ferred to as “Your Hole-e-ness!”

Are You a D-hole?by Henry Tunahuna

January 2014

JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

FUNNYBONES

On The Twelfth Day of Christmas...

On Christmas Eve, a mother came in with her young daughter and asked the doctor if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight and morning sickness. He checked her out

and told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At this news she protested very strongly. “Don’t be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man.” The girl

confirmed that this was true. The doctor quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong. “No, not really” replied the doctor. “It might just be a coincidence, but the last

time this happened a bright star appeared in the East.”

“Merry Christmas” from a pediatric nurse who has helped deliver babies on Christmas day.


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Foolish Sudoku

Answersfrom page 10

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Please God cure my hangover and I will never drink again. Also please forgive me in advance for

lying about drinking again.


FOOLon CURBtheIn the spirit of the holidays we asked some

locals at Coffee Mia in Marina two questions -1. What does Santa eat to maintain his figure?

2. What do you want for Christmas that you know you won’t get?

Horace1. Sticky Toffee Pudding.2. A fully-funded 401K!

Maggie1. Tamales.2. To see my Mom.

Marcus1. Milk and cookies!2. 10 billion dollars.

Bennie and Koko1. Whatever he wants.2. No more fighting in the world.

G1. Fresh Thai rolls.2. I never look forward to what I’m going to get. What I get is dry martinis and prime rib.

Christmas treesTwo blondes traveled hours from downtown Monterey and walked knee deep in snow through the woods in search of the perfect Christmas tree. They were warmly dressed from head to toe carrying a saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the tree back to the car. They thought of every little detail.

After five hours of searching, the sun was beginning to set so one blonde turned to the other and said, ‘I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THS ANY MORE! There are hundreds of Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it’s decorated or not!”

TVs for ChristmasA blonde overhears her husband talking about a TV he wants for Christmas; so she heads out to find one for him. She walks in the store, flags down a clerk and asks if she can have the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again to a shade of red. She thought that surely the clerk would sell her the TV this time. She returns to the store and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also said he doesn’t serve blondes. The woman asked how he

knew she was a blonde. The clerk looks at her, sympathy in his eyes and said, “that’s not a TV…it’s a microwave.”

Going Christmas ShoppingDid you hear the near tragedy at Del Monte Center? The power went out for five hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor of Macy’s…on the escalator.

Christmas Ice FishingFor Christmas, a blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. She goes to the Library in Oldtown Salinas and reads and researches ice fishing. From there she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs. At this time she feels she is ready to get started, so she goes out on the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above.

The voice said, “There are no fish under the ice.”

So she decided to go further down the ice and drill another hole. The voice again says, “There are no fish under the ice.”

She packs up her things and moves further down the ice and drills yet again. The voice says,

“There are no fish under the ice.”

The blonde stands, looks up and asks, “Is that you Lord?”

“No,” said the voice. “I’m the manager of this ice skating rink!”


Every Friday & Saturday In December

Planet GeminiFeaturing local & nationally

known headlining comedians.www.planetgemini.com

Through December 21The Full Monty

Back by popular demand! A story of six unemployed steelworkers

who sing and dance their way into our hearts overcoming their fears,

their nerves and their clothes.www.pacrep.org

Through January 4Ice Skating by the Bay

Outdoor rink at Custom House Plaza. A winter wonderland by the

bay and the brunt of one of our blonde jokes (see pg. 25).

iceskatingbythebay.com

December 3-6Streets of BethlehemA re-creation and living

enactment of the tiny village where Christmas was started

comes to life in Salinas.streetsofbethlehem.com

December 4Christmas Tree Lighting

Gather with family and friends for an evening of carols, cookies,

cider at Colton Hall for this glorious event.

www.oldmonterey.org

December 5First Friday Artwalk

Oldtown Salinas has the longest consecutive art walk in the

county. 40 venues offer artist receptions, music, dance, poetry

and more.www.1stfridays.org

December 5-6Christmas in the AdobesCelebrate the 30th year of this

seasonal event. Stroll through the streets of historic downtown

Monterey and visit more than 25 properties. Music, refreshments,

games and history awaits.www.parks.ca.gov

December 5-20A Charlie Brown Christmas

ARIEL Theater presents the heart- warming classic tale

of finding the true meaning of Christmas.

www.arieltheatrical.org

December 6Giant Book Sale

Friends of Monterey Public Library invite you to purchase

used books. This will elevate the threat of the “Library Police”

showing up on your doorstep to collect overdo book return fines.

www.mplfriends.com

December 6Moss Landing Arts & Crafts

25 local artists and artisansshowcase their unique talents.This includes original art by

local Sea Lions.www.mlartscrafts.com

December 7Brighten the Harbor

Boat ParadeDecorated boats cruise along

the coastlinewww.mpyc.org

December 9Christmas Card Day

Honors Sir Henry Cole, the creator of the first commercial

Christmas card in 1843.Today is a great time to add Foolish Times to your list.

December 12Ding-A-Ling Day

Some people say this is a day for wackos, lunatics, and others who

are off their rocker. We say it’s simply a normal day at

Foolish Times.

December 12 through Jan 3Twelfth Night

or What You WillPaper Wing does Shakespeare.

A comedy about gender confusion in which a girl disguises herself

as a man to be near the Count she adores, only to be pursued by the

woman he loves.www.paperwing.com

December 13Jingle Bell Run

The nation’s largest holiday 5k.This family and dog friendly event

aims to fight arthritis.www.arthritis.org

December 13-14The Nutcracker

What would the holidays be without Clara and her beloved

Nutcracker as she travelsto the Land of Snow and the

Palace of the Dolls where all her favorite doll companions

come to life.www.goldenstatetheatre.com

December 13-14Christmas on Main

Music, pageantry and singing ring in the Holidays

www.fpcsalinas.org

December 21Hum Bug Day

This time of year can be extremely stressful. Today you are

encouraged to have “Controlled Venting” of all that stress before Christmas so that you can enjoy the festive season to the fullest.

December 21Critical Christmas Bike Ride

A tradition that spans 14 years. Decorate your bike

and meet at Custom House Plaza at 6pm. Social “after the ride

party” follows. Free and no registration.

December 25Merry Christmas

December 26Boxing Day

Also known as St. Stephen’s DayA European tradition where

servants and tradesmen receive gifts from their bosses.

Today it also includes giving money to those in need.

December 31First Night Monterey

An event founded by our very own Paulette Lynch in 1992 as a community celebration of the

arts in Downtown Monterey. Activities, colors, lights,

musical entertainment and performances unfold on

New Year’s Eve. www.firstnightmonterey.org

27December 2014www.foolishtimes.netwww.foolishtimes.netwww.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call:648.1038

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MPVS Benefit Shop655 Broadway Ave Seaside831.394.5028www.mpvsthriftshop.org

Second Chance105 Central Ave Pacific Grove831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

DBranches Resale Shoppe480 Webster St Monterey831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

NCI Affiliates, Inc.110 E. Alisal St Salinas831.424.3899www.nciaffiliates.org

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THERESALE

TRAILThe Best in Repurposed,

Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

Joining Hands Benefit Shop26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

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SPCA Benefit Shop26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

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John's Consignment & Home Decore26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel831.250.7836

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Ash Resale –Finders Keepers8495a N. Prundale RdPrunedale 831.663.3622www.finderskeepersresale.com

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Featured Shop

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Christmas is here. This time of year we feature vintage Dept. 56 collectables, wreaths, ornaments, dinnerware

and much more. Come shop for that perfect gift or accessory to brighten up your Holiday Season. Fine

furniture and other seasonable items always available.

John’s Consignment& Home Decór