Transcript
Page 1: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013

Page 2: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 20132

www.foolishtimes.net

Terms, conditions and fees of accounts, programs, products and services are subject to change. This is not a commitment to lend. All loans are subject to credit and property approval. Certain restrictions may apply on all programs. Offer cannot be combined with any other mortgage offer. 1 SureStart is a registered service mark of Citigroup Inc. Final commitment is subject to verification of information, receipt of a satisfactory sales contract on the home you wish to purchase, appraisal and title report, and meeting our customary closing conditions. This offer is not a commitment to lend and is subject to change without notice. There is no charge

for the SureStart pre-approval, but standard application and commitment fees apply.2 If you are purchasing a home, we guarantee to close by the date specified in the purchase contract, unless prohibited by federal law*, and further provided that the date is at least 30 days after the application date and the date of the purchase contract. If the loan fails to close on time due to a delay by Citibank, you will receive a credit towards closing costs of

$1,500. Offer not available for refinance loans, co-ops, unapproved condos, residences under construction, community lending loans, and government loans. In Texas, the credit may not result in your client receiving cash back. (*Federal law requires certain disclosures be delivered to the borrower at least 3 business days before consummation. The guarantee to close does not apply if such disclosures are required and the closing is delayed due to the 3 business day waiting period.)

3 Eligible buyers receive .50% of the loan amount as a credit, which can be used to lower the interest rate by paying points or for other closing costs. For example, on a loan amount of $400,000 the credit is $2,000. The offer cannot be used to obtain cash from the transaction. Offer available on purchase transactions only, not refinance. This is a limited time offer. Citibank reserves the right to suspend, change and terminate the offer and promotion. Customer must apply and lock in rate by the offer end date to qualify.© 2012 Citibank, N. A. equal housing lender, member FDIC. Citi, Citibank, Arc Design and Citi with Arc Design are registered service marks of Citigroup Inc.

From pre-approval to closing, we will guide you through the homebuying process.

Citibank offers you:

Free pre-approval with SureStart® 1

$1,500 on-time closing guarantee 2

Citi® Homebuyer’s Advantage 3

Jumbo Product Offerings:

15 and 30 year fixed

5/1 and 10/1 ARM

Loans over $3 million may be available on exception basis to well-qualified buyers

To learn more about working with Citibank, please contact:

Domingo Alvarez Home Lending [email protected]#670166

GOLDEN STATE THEATRETHE

features local favorites

and well known artistslike bernadette conant and the angus scrimm

including yes, band of horses, lou reed, krs-one how to destroy angels and dead can dance

join our weekly newsletter and get newson ticket info before anyone else

417 Alvarado St. Monterey, CA box office 831-324-4571

www.GOLDENSTATETHEATRE.com

Page 3: Foolish Times - April Issue

DON’T FORGET THE ADVERTISERS!

MIKE The Head Fool

The Head Fool Speaks: Editor's Note:

Like Us and More:

Savings Galore

Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter

Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

Check out our website with your QR enabled smart phone. You will

� nd jokes, articles and savings.

Savings Galore

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Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

Savings Galore

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Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

Like us on Facebook

Follow uson Tweeter

Find out how, call the Head Fool:Mike

[email protected]

We Are Expanding, Join Our Team!

Have Your Own Territory andYour Own Business!

SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool [email protected]

For those of you who are wise enough to get FT early

by waiting for the ink to dry at the printers, there’s still

time to get the last few tickets for the comedy night on

the 1st. Come join us at the Trailside Café for a buff et

dinner and comedy show! Happy unoffi cial B’day to us!

I feel like a walking billboard (comedy show, Hot Dog

cart, FT ). Time for a nap.

I was going through a box of childhood pictures not long ago … one of those rainy day projects where I think I’m going to scan them all, ha! Anyway, remember as a kid when your mom made you sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap for a picture? Mine all show me screaming in terror! Even now, the thought of hidden chocolate eggs is a little creepy.

Anyway, the Easter bunny has come and gone. Hope it wasn’t too traumatic.

We have a lot happening this month. It’s our unofficial birthday! Celebrate with us by helping to name our new Foolish Mascot. Check out page 17 for details. We’ll also be resting on our laurels after the success of our annual Comedy Night. If you were there, thanks! If not … that was foolish of you!

In case you didn’t notice, the crossword is back. If you get all the right answers, you could win a prize. You could actually guess at the answers and probably win too! Either way, send us your best attempt; we’re awarding a prize to the 7th entry we receive. Don’t delay!

So, eat some cake on us this month. We make a good napkin.

Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny.

WANTED!AUTHORS AND CARTOONISTS

CONTACT SUSIE [email protected]

April 2013What the (BLEEP )is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can fi nd (some months we search harder than oth-ers). The opinions or ideas expressed by con-tributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graph-ics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public fi gures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to [email protected]. However, sub-missions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. We off er no payment to con-tributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).

Advertisers: For rate information, email

[email protected] or call 831-648-1038

For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools:Head Fool .................................................Mike M.Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q.Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.

C ontributors:Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo,

Quarlen Qurossman, Robyn Justo, Mike T, Rosie Sorenson, Mary

Tomsett, Monty Truitt, Jordan Hall, Mike Larsen, Hunter Kosmala

Subscriptions:One year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over

the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post offi ce and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box

4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for fi rst delivery. No kidding. Snails

are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.

Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 • Monterey, CA 93942

Phone/Fax: 831.648.1038www.foolishtimes.net

Page 4: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 20134

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Salty Senior Silliness

THE SWISH A woman goes to the Doctor,

worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

IT'S TOUGH TO BE OLD An 85-year-old man was

requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a

jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked!“You asked your neighbor?”The old man replied,“Yep, none of us could get

the jar open.”

NEW E-MAIL VIRUS Even the most advanced

protection programs cannot eradicate this one. It appears to affect people born prior to 1965.

If you are suffering these symptoms, you might have it: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. That one too!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh no, not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." I hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

It’s called the “C-Nile Virus.” Mental Age Assessment Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! 1.This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

GENDER CONFUSIONAt a party an elderly lady

was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.

“Look at the girl over there,” she complained. “I don’t know what young girls are coming to! She’s wearing boy’s jeans, a boy’s shirt, and that haircut is so boyish – you wouldn’t know she was a girl at all, would you?”

“Well, as it happens, I would,” came the reply, “because she is my daughter.”

“Oh dear,” said the old lady embarrassed, “I’m so sorry – I didn’t know you were her father.”

“I’m not, I’m her mother.”

LATE NIGHT SNACKAn elderly couple is getting

ready for bed. She says, “Oh, I am just so

hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house.”

He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with

chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget."

He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."

Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. In it is a ham sandwich.

She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

Page 5: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 5

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CHINESEJIM'S RESTAURANT"LOTS OF FOOD FOR SO LITTLE MONEY"Dine in and take out. Voted one of the 100 Best Chinese Restaurants in America. Over 160 items under $10.00. Hours: Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 12-9.

1584 Del Monte, Seaside831.394.5117

CREPESMONTEREY CREPE CO.Sweet & Savory Artisan Crepes, European street food at its best, two locations.

601 Wave St., Monterey321 Alvarado St., Monterey

831.373.4646montereycrepecompany.com

DONUTSRED'S DONUTS Monday & Tuesday, A dozen Donuts $5.00, Open 7 days

433 Alvarado, Open at 6:30am1646 Fremont, Seaside, Open at 4am

831.394.3444

ITALIAN RESTAURANTS

LA DOLCE VITAMARCH SPECIAL Salad, main course, Desert glass of wine $18.005th Ave. between San Carlos & Dolores,

Carmel-By-The-Sea831.624.3667

MEDITERRANEANKOKO'S CAFEDowntown Monterey. Delicious selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh baklava.

www.kokosmonterey.comFREE APPETIZER WITH ANY PLATTER

419 Alvarado St., Monterey831.375.3777

MIDDLE EASTERNMAHA’S CUISINEAuthentic Lebanese Food, Falafel, Shawerma, Kebobs, Vegetarian & Vegan dishes, Belly Dancing Friday & Saturday,

470 Alvarado St., Monterey831.372.8999

PUBSDUFFY’S TAVERN " Best Caesar Salad," "Best Bloody Mary," and "Best Burger" on the peninsula. "Happy Hour Specials Every Day” Mondays All-you-can-eat spaghetti.

282 High Street, Monterey831.372.2565

www.themenupage.com/du� ys.html

CROWN AND ANCHOR Relax and enjoy one of our 20 international beers on tap. Order a cocktail, try a glass of our excellent California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.150 W. Franklin St. (across from Marriott)

831.649.6496www.crownandanchor.net

SANDWICH SHOPMUNDOS CAFE Open Mon. - Sat. 6:30am – 3pm, Serving Breakfast & Lunch. Great Sandwiches, Quesadillas, Lattes, Cappuccinos. Drive Thru available. Call ahead and use our Drive-thru window.

233 N. Fremont, Monterey831.656.9244

WITH A VIEWTRAILSIDE CAFÉ &COFFEE HOUSEEnjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coff ee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay, Heated Patio.550 Wave St. (lower level), Monterey

831-649-8600www.trailsidecafe.com

MEXICAN FOODMANDO'SCasual Mexican and American CuisineFlamenco dancers starting Feb. 17th and every third Sunday thereafter $12.00 includes all you can eat buff et and soft drinks.

162 Fountain Ave.Paci� c Grove, CA 93950

831-656-9235

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Duffy's TavernDuffy's Tavern

282 High Street, MontereyHappy Hour Specials Everyday

To advertise

your restaurant,

call 648-1038

Page 6: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 20136

BY TOM BURNS

I’m thinking of getting my taxes done early this year. Rather than the usual frantic rush to finish just before midnight on April 15, I’m shooting for 11pm, April 15.

“Rex, my friend, my helper, my advisor, my o-conspirator, pull up a chair. We’re going to do the taxes!” Rex didn’t even try to pull up a chair; he slunk around the kitchen table legs, trying to hide. I put him up in the table, and loaded the tax software in my laptop.

“Okay . . . let’s see . . . ‘Dependents’ . . . Rex, you depend on me to feed you and give you a bath once a year, right?” Rex looked away, but quivered slightly. He may be familiar with the federal sentence for perjury.

“Okay . . . one dependent, age 9. Sometimes you have trouble seeing. Me too. Two blind people.” Rex started to shake a little more.

“Let’s see. Truck mileage and depreciation. Never took a deduction before. I don’t keep track of my mileage, but the Feds don’t know that, do they?” Rex had dropped down flat on the table. “So, I bet we put a hundred thousand on the truck last year. And I changed the oil once, so we can add that in too.” Rex covered his eyes with his paws.

Here’s my income of forty thou, but

when we take away my lost bar bets, that drops my income down to $15, 879. So far, so good, pal.” Rex jerked at the implication of him being my ‘pal.’

“Oh. Farm Credits. We thought about planting 600 acres of corn in the side yard, didn’t we?” Rex turned around as to not face me any longer, and recovered his eyes.

“Where’s the section on losses? Remember the big keg party last year? The one where Kimmie the CPA and Dakota

the pole dancer found out I had dated them both and called them the same ‘pet’ name, and Kimmie smashed Dakota’s head into the keg and damaged it and the liquor store kept my deposit? Remember that, Rex? You were there. You were the only sober one there, remember, Rex? Rex? Rex?” Rex inched his way toward the table edge and tried to make a break for it.

“Rex, get back here. You’re in this too deep with me by now. I’m not going down alone, bucko.” Rex inched his way back and rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. It sounded like a murmuring of a parade of Hail Marys, then he put his paw on his heart.

“Oh, and the IRA contribution. I’ll get around to doing that soon. Another $2000 off the taxable income. Just under $10,000

continued on page 20

Paying My Fair Share

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“Here’s my income of forty thou, but when

we take away my lost bar bets, that drops my income down

to $15, 879.”

Page 7: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 7

Airport Shuttle Serving SFO, SJC and Monterey Airport

PSC 1620 See our schedule at www.montereyairbus.com

Q: Why do blonds stick their heads out of the window of a moving car.A: To � ll up.Q: How can you tell when a blond was baking chocolate chip cookies?A: When you � nd M&M shells on the � oor.Q: What do you do when a Blond throws you a grenade?A: Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?A: Because she got an F in sex.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?A: Arti� cial intelligence.Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

A: They're doing research on black holes.Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?A: Peroxide.Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping?A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

TIME WILL TELLA blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a di� erent answer."

JUMPERA blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

WHAT TRAINThree blondes were walking through a � eld when they came across a set of tracks. The � rst blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

PAINTERA person went into the o� ce kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

GEOMETRYThe assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

April 2013 7

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was

released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The � rst place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The

bartender put his � nger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."

Page 8: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 20138

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An

swer

s o

n P

age

20

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

Thanks to George Thorpe.

After a long night of making love,

the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to

him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be

reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot

when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'

he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'

CHOICESOne day, a man came home

and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

“ Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.

JACKPOTA woman came home,

screeching her car into the

driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and

shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn't matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

TRUTHMarriage is a relationship in

which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.”

Open 7 Days-A-WeekServing Lunch & Dinner

11:00am - 9:00pm

KCCO

Page 9: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 9

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ARIES: MARCH 21 - APRIL 19 THE RAM

Buenos “Aries!” How fair are these winds on this land? Fair enough to blow your birthday into a dust bowl! Apparently, you equate loyalty with boredom. Your fol-lowers are weary of you now. Share a “sex on the beach” with a seal; it will help you feel the inter-connectivity of it all. Hum-bling to become the world’s larg-est grain of sand...put your lips together and blow.

TAURUS: APRIL 20 - MAY 20 THE BULL

Yes, you possess! Your pride and obstinacy are turning you into a materialistic rodeo gimp! It’s Earth Day this month not Mo-nopoly, move off that ground! Don’t act like congress, progress and fess up; reinventing yourself is way over do-do.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20 THE TWINS

Equality and taxes!? With your inner need for cultural perfec-tion, you may find yourself hang-ing from a trestle with the trolls. Hit the road Jack with somebody whose head is an anvil, since you will need to do a lot of venting on this fool’s holiday.

CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22 THE CRAB

Hear ye, Hear ye! Who’s white Camero is that parked in the drive-

way!? The paper fish tacked on your back is a prank not a prize. Why act like the goon from the black lagoon, when you could aspire to be Daniel Boon? Now all you are is a horny loon, chas-ing guests around the table like a buffoon. Check the guest list and move your car!

LEO: JULY 23 - AUGUST 22 THE LION

You may have been too chari-table this time with your impos-ing golden physique; we are all, after all, magnifique! The slaves and the serving maids are in an uproar and they are calling you a tight wad-inski. They just took charge of their own kingdom. They even paid their taxes with their minimum wage! Tonight you gotta wash your own dishes! How ever will you fair.

VIRGO: AUGUST 23 - SEPT. 22 THE VIRGIN

Mock, Mock, Mock, let it rip Moby Dick. Your over-reactivity and OCD ruthlessness did the trick! Mocking the highest asses has honored you with a medal of good conduct. For you and I know there is no such thing as higher asses, just portals, all equal in size and temperament. Ship-shape and Bristol fashion!

LIBRA: SEPT. 23 - OCTOBER 22 THE SCALES

People, who need People, are the luckiest pupils...in the world. All

your vacillating made you Vase-line and you slipped out of the limelight. Tipping dangerously to the profane is good house-keeping because this is your new reality show. By revealing your dark side in episode one, you can claim you’ve been in a coalmine for weeks.

SCORPIO: OCT. 23 - NOV. 21 THE SCORPION

Painstakingly unreasonable your secretiveness! Dissolve that fro-zen pucker by recalling that power is not control, it is two en-tirely different flavors. Your per-sonal revolution is at stake here, best to be the butt of a prank and let it rouge that kisser.

SAGITTARIUS: NOV. 22 - DEC. 21 THE ARCHER

You’ve passed through mercury in retrograde, but stuck with your negative attitude toward rules, and schmeared your reck-lessness all over the palace like cream cheese! Hey dude, it’s not your house. You’re lucky the Deacon is just a boy decoy. He’ll send you on your way with pure merriment if you do him a point-less errand.

CAPRICORN: DEC. 22 - JAN. 19 THE GOAT

Hiding in the church, library, or dairy farm, no matter—they will find you! They have their ways. There are worse things then be-ing audited. Mental Health Day

this month: a good time to sneak back into society.

Just dope up Prozac and no one will notice you because they’ll think you’re celebrating a com-mon festivity: the culture of un-availability. “Our modern feast of fools.”

AQUARIUS: JAN 23 - FEB. 18 THE WATER-CARRIER

Your story of the past has shaped your story of the present-that’s why you should keep running! Different disguises, a little song and dance will aid your escape to freedom galaxies wide. Use your flamboyancy, think

La cage aux Folles: Remember: “We are family!”

PISCES: FEB. 19 - MAR. 20 THE FISHES

Poisson d’Avril! You are the true mime of mystery and mimic of buffoonery! You have genetic license for freeing the creative voices in your head. Been around the block quite a few times and you know you ain’t nobody’s sa-lami. You have an instinctive un-derstanding that there’s a unify-ing thread throughout all of life. Beware of that fishing line that leads back to those Hirudinean types (look it up). You are the Great white until the winter’s end.

Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: [email protected]

By Bini

Page 10: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201310

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F o o l i s h C r o s s w o r dClues: Read the Paper!

Be the 7th player with the correct answers and win a $25

gift certi� cate to the Crown and Anchor.

PUNSTennis players don't marry because Love means nothing to them.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

There was a � ght in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

My grade in Marine Biology is below sea-level.

He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.

All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

Time � ies like an arrow. Fruit � ies like a banana.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

ACROSS: DOWN:

Check out last month's Foolish Winner on Page 23

Page 11: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 11

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Page 12: Foolish Times - April Issue

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Page 13: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 13

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Page 14: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201314

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Expires February 29, 2012Expires April 30, 2013

Merry Christmas! The Easter Bunny is in hiding!Thanks to Emi for this adorable picture of Yuki.

Page 15: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 15

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An

swer

s o

n P

age

20

CUMULUS STRATUSCIRRUSNIMBUS

CIRROCUMULUSCIRROSTRATUS

CUMULONIMBUS

ALTOCUMULUSALTOSTRATUS

STRATOCUMULUSTULIP

DAFFODILDAISY

SUNFLOWER

PEONYBEGONIAPETUNIA

PANSYROSE

VIOLET

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Check out FoolishTimes online ...www.FoolishTimes.net

Find us on:Facebook & Twitter

Q: What do you call a scared biscuit ?A: A cowardy custard cream !

Q: What do you call a man whose father was a Canon ?A: A son of a gun !

Q: What do you call a man with two left feet ?A: Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round in circles !

Q: What do you call a � ock of birds who � y in formation ?A: The red sparrows !

Q: What do you call a bee that is always complaining ?A: A grumble bee !

Q: What do you call a man that drills holes in teapots ?A: A potholer !a

What’s a Bartender to Do?

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk, so the

bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He

stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's

his wheel chair?"

Page 16: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201316

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At a glance, these two photos look alike. However, the one on the

bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech

computer software. Can you spot the diff erences? Answers on page 33!

BY MIKE T.

Photo 1

Photo 2

We scour the internet to bring you the most hilarious police blotter reports from across the country.

A man said while he was walking his dog he heard a woman screaming inside a house. Police determined it was a child playing a saxophone.

A resident returned home to fi nd her attic door ajar and footprints in her kitchen. A comparison by police of footprints in the kitchen to the woman’s boots revealed the footprints were hers. The wind apparently

had blow the door open.

A deputy checked a suspicious vehicle at a local restaurant. The car ended up being a television crew from an area station that was fi lming

the wrong restaurant.

A woman reported receiving seven calls during the past week from a man asking to speak to a Carol. There is no Carol at the residence, the woman has told him, but the man keeps calling. Offi cers advised the

woman to call the telephone company.

Offi cers were dispatched to Burch to investigate four suspicious per-sons in a residential neighborhood. Offi cers spotted four men, two of whom carried fl ashlights. They told police their car had broken down and they were in search of a pay phone. Offi cers advised them ‘‘of the suspicious nature of their activities, to get back into their car and go home. Subjects returned to their car, which started promptly, and left.

A caller reported someone had erected a two-man tent in the middle of the street.

A homeowner awakened to discover that someone had driven over his lawn. Investigating offi cers also noticed damage to other nearby lawns. The responsible party left behind a license plate and some au-tomobile parts which offi cers used to trace him. The 24-year-old man confessed, saying he swerved to avoid deer. He then ran off the road and lost control of his car. He was charged with leaving the scene of an accident, and since his driver’s license was suspended received an

additinal summons. A maternity call was received from a residence. Excited woman reports

dog having puppies in the driveway of her home.

A caller complained that a little girl picked some of her prize-winning fl owers and wants an offi cer to speak to her. The suspect was last seen

escaping on foot.

Loose llamas were rounded up by deputies and returned to the owner.

Page 17: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 17

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BY ROSIE SORENSON

You know you’re on the low end of the bell curve for intelligence when you find out you’ve been bested by a dung beetle. For those of you who haven’t kept up with your science, the dung beetle is so named because his raison d’être is dung, i.e. excrement, i.e. manure, i.e. poop. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.

The male dung beetle’s task is relatively straightforward: locate a pile of dung, scrape a bunch together, and then roll it around until it forms a giant ball, larger than the beetle himself. This is not just a kinky recreational pursuit. No, no! The ball of dung provides food for the dung-maker and also helps him attract a mate, a female impressed by the size of his orb. (Is that a bowling ball in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?)

Among dung beetles there are those male scofflaws who think nothing of stealing another man’s ball. It is incumbent upon the more hard-working brethren to make their get-away as fast as they can. Here’s the kicker: they must roll the ball in a straight line away from the dung pile or run the risk of swerving around and colliding with other beetles, some of whom are unrepentant thieves.

So, how exactly do they know to push the ball in a straight line away from the dung pile? Starlight! Yes, that’s right. Scientists have recently proven that the dung beetle navigates by starlight! What’s more impressive, scientists have also found that even on overcast nights when no individual star shines bright, the beetles can still use the swooshy

light of the Milky Way to orient themselves.

Let me tell you, I am in awe of those little starlight navigators. I couldn’t do what they do. If you thrust me into a mound of dung and demanded I start hand-rolling it into a ball, I would most likely crash into someone who was out to steal my precious cargo. How humiliating is that?

Lest you think I’m being too hard on myself for the sake of cheap humor, let me tell you what happened when I was sixteen and living in the Midwest. I was deliriously happy to be accepted for a summer job as a corn detasseler. Removing tassels from the male stalks, necessary for the maintenance of superior hybrid corn, is most effectively done by hand. Detasseling is a hot and dirty job which paid well back then, more desirable than baby-sitting or waitressing. Anyway, that summer, five of my girlfriends and I were finally tall enough to qualify and got ourselves hired by the DeKalb Hybrid Corn company.

We arose at 4 am, and drove an hour to Geneseo to meet the crew. Our “driver,” was a young man who led each of us to different parts of the field to begin our work. The rows were tight; the leaves overlapped, scratching our bare arms. The corn soared over our heads so we had to stretch on our tiptoes to grab the tassels.

After the driver deposited me

at the beginning of my row, he said, “Now, all you have to do is stay in this row and pull off the tassels as fast as you can. I’ll be back to check on you in an hour.”

“No problem,” I said, staring at his dimples. I was going to be the best damn detasseler he’d ever seen. I set off like a house-afire.

I was fast, all right, flinging the tassels hither and yon, but when the driver came to check up on me, he hollered, “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” I said, out of breath.

“You’re going diagonally across the field! You’re supposed to stay in a straight line!”

What? Afraid I’d be fired, I offered an anemic, “I’m sorry . . . I was going as fast as I could.” He dragged me out of that row, chose another and ordered me to start over.

Now, see, if I’d been a dung beetle, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have looked up at the sun and navigated by its light. But, no, I was and still am a puny human with no sense of direction.

I hate that.

Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.

Starry, Starry Night

“Among dung beetles there are those male scoffl aws who think nothing of stealing

another man’s ball.”

FOOLISH MASCOT CONTEST

WINNER!

FOOLISH TIMES HAS A NEW MASCOT.

What do we call him … or it … or what!

Send us your ideas and we’ll swirl them around in our jester’s hat

and see what pops out.

Let’s have a coloring contest too.Color in or outside the lines …

we’ll print our favorite.

You can send it to us however you’d like … by carrier pigeon or toss a bottle into the ocean with

our name on it or put it on a slow boat to China and see

what happens.

Or … send it to [email protected].

We might even get it that way.

Thanks to Monty Truitt for his foolishness on our behalf!

Page 18: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201318

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BY TED GARGIULO

Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde

Almost everything I touch lately ends up on the fl oor: my food, my meds, my keys, my Foolish Times...yes, even myself on occasion. I’m constantly losing things, fi xing things, stumbling over things, fi nding new places to put things. My post-retirement renaissance has become a travesty of fumbles and petty mishaps; the glorious expanse of creative opportunity I’d envisioned, riddled with glitches, roadblocks and wrong turns...trips to the store, trips to the bathroom. Sound familiar? Then maybe you need to read this.

Before ARID, the pettiest setback felt like an aff ront to my dignity, to my sense of purpose. I thought: this can’t be happening to me, not now! Not in the Indian summer of my life! I was done with boot camp. If I had time

to learn from my mistakes, I’d be the smartest man in the world by now. Here I was diddling around, scraping cat shit off my shoe, while my unedited manuscript sat simmering on the back burner, begging for my attention. I’d tell myself, the longer it takes me to fi nish it, the greater the chance that I’ll die before this golden egg ever hatches. Believe me, this kind of anxiety can send any self-respecting wordsmith to the nut farm. This is where ARID saved me.

AGE RELATED INDIFFERENCE DISORDER (ARID) isn’t a disease. Think of it as a natural coping mechanism, a latter day attitude realignment. ARID is a gradual deadening of the senses which, unlike dementia, leaves a person fully cognizant, while rendering him impervious to the stress and disenchantment that come from taking the world, or himself, too seriously. ARID makes life’s urges seem less urgent, the letdowns less devastating. I fi nd I can sleep better

knowing that whatever unfi nished business I leave behind while I’m alive probably won’t matter to me when I’m dead. Besides, nobody knows or cares what I’m working on anyway. Even what little I do accomplish on earth won’t be worth a hill of snot if the world ends.

I’ve learned that anyone who practices the rare art of living in the moment fi nds himself painfully out of synch with a culture that nurtures

inattentiveness and mediocrity. Every day, we’re bombarded with distractions, sensory overload and situations that pull us in a thousand contrary directions. Yet, for all the piddling demands that life imposes

upon a person, nothing seems to disturb him when he’s doing nothing. Ever notice that? Mundane tasks don’t count. Fishing a cell phone out of the toilet doesn’t count. One must be earnestly engaged in something meaningful or potentially fulfi lling in order for the CBF (cosmic booby factor) to kick in. The only hearts that break are those brimming with a devotion to something beyond the commonplace. A person without a dream, without a single-minded passion, poses no threat to the powers that be, nor to himself.

ARID persuades us that there’s safety in neutrality. That there’s little sense or satisfaction in winning a race that no one’s watching. That it’s better to be a serene boob than an exasperated artist. If stress kills, indiff erence makes us immortal.

Want to stay sane and live longer? It’s not enough to simply merely waste time. You’ve got to do what I do...and kick the crap out of it!

Indian Summer

BY MARY TOMPSET T

As we all know, healthcare costs have risen beyond anything we could’ve imagined back in the “good old days” when insurance-driven treatment decisions were still just a CEO’s wet dream. Deductibles and co-pays are tough even for people with insurance, never mind the millions without. And if uninsured folks do see a doctor, it’s often after waiting for hours in a crowded ER.

The solution? Veterinarians! Yes, many vets now off er to humans the same quality care that has been enjoyed by animals such as Lassie, Kermit the Frog and the sullen cast of Twilight.

We’re all aware that Americans are generally getting heavier, so anyone wearing t-shirts sized XL or bigger should consider seeing a large-animal vet. These rural practitioners

make house (and barn) calls, and off er such amenities as weigh-ins on a platform scale and overhead hoists that can lift patients onto a stainless steel exam surface the size of a pool table.

Vets in some areas are now holding low-cost vaccination clinics. Rabies, distemper shots and fl ea/tick treatments protect not only our precious children but, more importantly, they protect us from them! And what better way to discreetly monitor wandering toddlers and seniors than by having them micro-chipped?!? Say goodbye to bone-shaped aluminum ID tags jingling from grandpa’s leather collar! And increasingly large

crowds have attended the popular spay/neuter clinics. In fact, last week mounted police showed up to keep order in Monterey Bay. The grateful vets later off ered to neuter the police horses at no charge, but it turned out the animals were already gelded. However, two of the cops took advantage of the off er. Recovery hasn’t been as speedy as they hoped, and they’re both still riding sidesaddle.

A nationwide poll ranked vets as having much better interpersonal skills than physicians. No wonder. Who understands the nuances of a fi rm, respectful manner better than someone who has wrestled a grumpy German Shepherd? The fear of losing blood or body parts is an excellent motivator. Interestingly enough, vets were outranked in social skills only by prison guards.

When it comes to abdominal surgery, I personally would want someone who has navigated the layout of a cow’s seven stomachs. Even if your vet’s practice is limited

to reptiles, she’s probably smart enough to Google the info she needs to fi x your torn rotator cuff .

Vet care reviews on Angie’s List, however, have been mixed: (1) “I miss the golf magazines and the big-screen TV in my doctor’s offi ce. Who wants to stare at posters describing the life cycle of heartworms?” (2) “I love chewing a tartar-removing treat after the appointment, but it’s, like, a bummer to be publicly weighed at the reception desk.” (3)”The heartworm chews make awesome party appetizers!” (4) “I wish I’d been neutered by someone with a little embroidery experience. Life is hard enough when you’re 6’8” and have a bad haircut, but the black Frankenstein sutures have put a damper on my dating scene.

© 2013 by Mary Tompsett

Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel,  Whinny From the Heart, is available through  www.booklocker.com

“We’re all aware that Americans are generally getting

heavier, so anyone wearing t-shirts sized XL or bigger should consider

seeing a large-animal vet.”

“Here I was diddling around, scraping cat shit off my shoe, while

my unedited manuscript sat simmering on the back burner."

The Doctor is In!

Page 19: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 19

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Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

Can you guess who said the following?1. "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."A. Wild Bill HickokB. Samuel Goldwyn2. “When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’"A. Theodore RooseveltB. Benedict Arnold3. “I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”A. George WashingtonB. Steven Wright4. "I believe there's something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government."A. Woody AllenB. Plato5. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”A. Groucho MarxB. Karl Marx6. "When you come to a fork, take it."A. ConfuciusB. Yogi Berra7. “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.”A. William ShakespeareB. Clarence Darrow8. "I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money."A. Arthur GodfreyB. King Arthur Answers (all true): 1-B , 2-A , 3-B, 4-A, 5-A, 6-B, 7-B, 8-A Scoring (number correct) 7-8: Pugnacious, 5-6: Autistic, 3-4: Artistic , 1-2: Jihadist, 0: Patrician Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com. 

From the SandlotBY HUNTER KOSMALA

I sat at the desk and typed num-bers in the spreadsheet. It was an-other slow day at the Rec Center. The occasional yell from the bas-ketball gym or a weight hitting the floor was the highlight of my day.

"Hey Brett, how's your week goin' so far?" I asked trying to pass the time.

"Thankfully, it's Thursday, I was getting a little thirsty if you know what I mean."

"Oh, I feel you my man." I said agreeing to the thirsty Thursday comment. "Amanda? Anything ex-citing for you?"

"Well..." she said with a drwal, "I think there is a frat party tonight but I want to go to 7th."

"Lemme know what you do, I should be down there tonight," I said trying to make plans.

"Of course," she said with a smile.

Conversation over, I headed out for rounds around the facil-ity. I started at the weight room. An average day, people trying to move heavy things, grunting and sweating all over. I started up the stairwell to the cardio deck and as I climbed the stairs my foot caught the top step causing me to catch myself on the railing. I looked around at the top of the stairs, em-barrassed and hoping that nobody saw my almost face-plant.

I scanned the horizon, "We're good, oh wait.......... Yep, we're good," I said to myself as I caught my breath. I noticed a pack of girls heading toward the Rec Center from outside. Two of them I knew, Kristen and Megan, the other two I had never seen before. They strolled in as I stood observing the rest of the facility. They checked

in and started toward the weight room. I was within earshot of them so I yelled from above. "Kristen! Megan!" They both looked around like, "Where in the world? Who said that?"

"Helllllooooooo, above you!" I yelled. All of their eyes went up to the ceiling and around the top of the facility.

"Oh, Hunter! Hi, Hi," they re-sponded, excited to see me I guess.

Kristen said, "Stay right there I have a story for you."

"Yea, ok, I'm sure it's fantastic," I said, half laughing at her.

The nameless girls made their way to the weight room and Kris-ten and Megan headed up to the cardio deck to come say hi. As they started up the stairs they started talking. I took this opportunity to play a little game of hide and seek. Except, I was the only one who knew we were playing. I watched from my new hiding spot behind the treadmills and saw the girls reaching the top of the stairs. Me-gan was there first, a couple steps before Kristen. Kristen was about to reach the top step when her foot caught and slipped on the stair before the top, causing her to actually face-plant at the top of the stairs. I immediately hit the floor in laughter, giving away my hiding spot.

She looked up at me and start-ed laughing.

"Is this the story you were going to tell me?"

“An average day, people try-ing to move heavy things, grunt-

ing and sweating all over.”

Page 20: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201320

www.foolishtimes.net

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continued from page 6 - Rex

continued from page 10 - Laughs

taxable income, pal.” The ‘pal’ association stung him again.

“Oh, and remember the idea I had to start a business last year? “The Tupperware Coffin idea. The motto was: ‘Only Takes One Pallbearer to Burp the Air Out?’ You remember that don’t you?” Rex lay staring at the ceiling with fixed dilated pupils. I think that’s a warning sign for shock.

“So, Rexie, old friend, old comrade, old co-conspirator, we’re making some headway. Oh, how could I forget? Charitable Contributions! We gave away that Maserati to the Polly Klass Foundation, remember? Or was that Bill Gates? Well, one of us gave a Maserati to the Polly Klass Foundation. Could have been me. Gotta’ keep better records for next years’ deductions.” Rex lay on his back, still, but put his paws over

both eyes. Soft whimpers of resignation emanated from his thorax.

“That just about does it, Rexie. I never made quarterly payments, and this shows we’re living under the poverty level. No taxes due!”

Rex had slipped away, and had evidently crawled under my bed and dragged out the set of handcuffs Kimmie the CPA uses on me when she spends the night. The cuffs dragged between his short legs. He looked up at me and spit them out with a very theatrical ‘PATOOIE,’ and walked through his doggie door out onto the back porch.

He is a nice dog, but has absolutely no sense of adventure.

Rex and Tom, or Tom and Rex can be reached at [email protected]

foolish sudoku's answersfrom page 8

foolish search's answersfrom page 15

Page 21: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 21

www.foolishtimes.net

FOOLISH FUNNIES

Romeo, with an incorrect set of Juliet’s fl oor plans, wastes half an hour yelling into her basement window.

Each week, we provide the caption. You simply provide the cartoon!

Tom Burns ©2013

B.B.Q.The best cure for

sea sickness is

to sit under a tree.

Page 22: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201322

www.foolishtimes.net

BY ROBYN JUSTO

MAUL MADNESSI remember a time when shopping

would relax me. I would spend hours at the mall, leisurely looking at pretty things and fantasizing about where I might wear them, although if I bought them, most of them sat in my closet waiting for that “perfect” time and place.

I have to admit that I hadn’t been to a mall in a while. I’m not sure what is happening to me, but I’m fi lled with anxiety at the thought of braving parking lots, lines and a sea of humans. (I no longer watch TV nor do I read magazines anymore, so I am not tempted to go out and get what I am programmed to buy in order to BE more “perfect”…or so I thought.)

But my Mom needed new bras and so did I. So off I went to Macy’s. Before I entered the store I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a deep, long and cleansing breath.

“You can do this,” my little voice said. “Just get in and get out.”

I felt like I was on a mission, so in I went. But as soon as I was in, I could feel it starting as my eyes were darting left and right, over stimulated by innumerable pairs of jeans, things that sparkled and shined, shoes for days, and sales people perched at the corners of their respective territories, some armed with spray perfumes and others ready to pounce and put things on my proudly naked little face.

I remembered this and I used to like it for some silly reason. It was consumer madness and like an alcoholic, I could feel the remnants of an addiction rising within me, my heart racing now trying to keep my eyes forward on my goal, the lingerie department, resisting the temptations coming from every angle.

I bought Mom’s bras and a few for myself and then considered myself strong enough to walk through the cosmetic

department on my way out of the store, lingering as I started getting high on the smells. I remembered a lip gloss I once used by the Shiseido, so I slowed way down and tried to be invisible to the sales gal while I looked, but to no avail. She saw me and descended.

“Hi, I’m Fatima,” she announced. “What’s your name?”

Eeeesh. I thought. I’m caught. “Hi, I’m Robyn, (and I’m a shopaholic”), I responded, being fully aware that I didn’t like where this relationship was going.

I asked for the gloss, but was told they

didn’t make it anymore. She tried to get me to try another, but I wasn’t trying or buying.

“Would you like me to do a facial on you?” she asked, neurotically anxious eyes popping out of her head.

“Uh, no thanks. I don’t wear anything on my face anymore,” I admitted.

She frowned at me. “Oh, that is NOT good,” she said.

Memories fl ooded my mind from a time long ago (when I was in my 20s) when I had gone to a department store and was doing this very same thing and was approached by a salesperson off ering me an eye cream for those little lines around my eyes, ones I had never honestly noticed until she pointed them out. I smiled a lot. I guess this was God’s punishment. I now had the lines to prove it.

I snapped back into present time, but I felt like I had been caught in the closet by an overzealous nun (again). I smiled, nodded, and quickly made my escape out the front door and into the mall.

That was my second big mistake. When I was a shopper (at my peak), there had only been a few kiosks here and there, occasionally dotting the aisles in the malls. But now, they were everywhere

and if I thought the salespeople IN the store were aggressive, I now was sidestepping these automatons like hand grenades with the pins loose.

“Don’t make eye contact!” my little voice screamed inside of me. But I was used to Namaste and saluting the Divinity in folks. I looked at one of the young man at a kiosk selling Satan knows what and made my third mistake

He saw me look and started coming at me. I was bait! I went into defense mode, into what I could only call my survival, donning my best game face, glaring back at him and dropping my voice down a few octaves.

“DON’T CHASE ME!” I ordered. He knew I was serious. He retreated, licking his wounds like a tiger licking his paws, crouched and waiting for his next possible victim.

All of this primal warfare had made me hungry and I was smelling food, so I found the food court and sat down to eat and collect the remnants of my battered and tattered psyche, but since I was in the mall, there were one or two other things I wanted to look for now. Fourth, fi fth, and sixth mistakes.

As I walked into a lotion and potion shop that used to be another favorite of mine, a young girl approached me smiling.

“Would you like to try our new hand cream? It gets rid of age spots?” she exuberantly declared.

I tried it. My spots were still there and so was she. I was hoping that if I closed my eyes she would disappear, but she did not. So I did, albeit with a little pouty face, peering down at what I had remembered to be pretty hands, now seeing spots before my very eyes.

I found myself being slowly hypnotized now, succumbing to the words and to the programming again. I looked around and should have been comforted by the fact that there were hundreds of others, just like me, with glazed eyes and arms full of shopping bags, probably fi lled with creams for the bags and lines under their eyes and the spots on their hands.

I was on auto-pilot. If I hadn’t made a commitment to see my Mom and deliver the new bras, I would probably still be there…wandering, searching for spot removers, the right shoes, purse, and jewelry to make me perfect again, if I ever was.

And then I got to thinking. What if we never had anyone tell us what we should do with our lives (go to school, get married, have kids, buy a house, be thin, get rid of cellulite, wear the right makeup, ad infi nitum) or how we should be? What would we be doing? What if there was no programming?

If I could be sucked back into the abysmal consumer vortex so quickly, granted I was (ok am) an addict, how strong IS this programming? It’s a rhetorical question. We all know.

It’s imbedded in us. It’s as strong as Crazy Glue. And if you want to test it for yourself, take a few months away from television and the mall. Seriously. Then try introducing it again. You will be amazed when you look around at how much useless stuff is packed into these places, how loud the music is to drown out our reasonable thoughts, and how many of us are out there, dazed and confused. Unplug for a while. You won’t die.

And if you go back, they will smell you like fresh prey. Those who have been convinced that they need to sell you something will maul you at the mall now because the desperation to keep us all so distracted is increasing. It’s another very powerful way to keep the economy going and us controlled and slumbering, and feeling bad about ourselves.

Yet many of us are starting to awaken and open our eyes that might even have a few lines and realize that we were never imperfect to begin with, nor do we need anything to prove that anymore.

(Update: Believe it or not, last I heard, Church-Man and his ex were engaged to be married…on one of their Sundays.).

Robyn Justo is a freelance writer who shares the frustrations, triumphs and general hysteria of living life

in the gray (or the new silver) area, the lighter side of later. She keeps a foot in both the visible and the invisible

worlds, which prevents her from tipping over.

“I’m fi lled with anxiety at the thought of braving parking lots,

lines and a sea of humans.”

Page 23: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 2013 23

www.foolishtimes.net

BY MIKE LARSEN

I was trying to fi gure out how to write this anonymously without going into too much detail but alas I cannot. So sit back and enjoy the story. About two weeks ago, a couple in my church got burglarized. Their car was broken into, as well as their fenced in yard. The odd thing about the burglary was that someone took wire cutters and took one of their prized award winning pet chickens, just one. At this same church, I do volunteer work with the homeless. We have a lunch time feeding program where we cook for about 35 homeless men and women. Last Tuesday, I was cleaning up after lunch was over when a young homeless man came in late after everything was served and cleaned up. We never want to turn anyone away so reheated some soup for him. In the mean time, I sat down with the guy to fi nd out his story and why he was living outside. He said he was living in a communal situation, but that he just got notifi ed that the landlord was kicking them all out. He seemed distraught because he just got a new pet and was not sure of how they were going to survive. I said oh? What kind of dog or cat do you have and he said, “Oh No, it’s a chicken!” I said really? He said, about two weeks ago a friend of his came home with this chicken and gave it to him as a pet. He said the weird thing about this chicken is that

it obeys commands. When he calls it, it comes, it also follows him around the house as well as sits on his lap. He said he named it Dolores after an ex- girlfriend. I did not ask why. I thought to myself, if this was someone else’s dog I would immediately try to re-unite the original pet owner to his dog but in this case I’m not so sure. It’s a fricken chicken! And to this guy, it’s all he has left in his little world.

So, I have kept bemusedly quiet. Plus, I really do not know if it is the same chicken, except that he said it was very exotic looking with really cool feathers; mot like your normal chicken on the KFC menu. He said it also lays eggs around the house. He said they are really good eggs but he will not eat them anymore because he wants them to hatch so that he can have more pets. I told him, “Well, I love fried chicken!” He was not amused. After he was done eating I told him to come back any Tuesday for lunch and I hope all works out for him and his pet. I suspect I will never see him again. I did hear him mumble something to the eff ect of buying a leash. So if you see a guy on the side of the road walking his chicken, make sure he’s not choking it.

Not My Neighbor’s C hicken

“The odd thing about the burglary was that someone

took wire cutters and took one of their prized award winning pet

chickens, just one. “

Congratulations to Liz Lassen of Mt. Vernon, NYfor completing last month's crossword.

We applaud her e� orts and remind you that if you're our 7th correct entry, you can win too!

We decided not to print the answers ... color us Foolish!

-the editor

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Page 24: Foolish Times - April Issue

April 201324

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April 201324

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