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Building Intimacy in Your Small Group and Facilitating Excellent

Discussionswith Dr. Randy Wollf

Build a Healthy Group Culture

• Non-judgemental

• Honest/transparent

• Safe

• Process oriented

• Concerned about the other

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 71.

• John 13:34-35 - “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

• Rom. 13:8; 1 Pet. 1:22; 1 Jn. 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11-12; 2 Jn. 1:5

Love One Another

• 1 Thess. 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

• 1 Thess. 4:18; Heb. 3:13

Encourage One Another

• Rom. 15:7 - Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Accept One Another

• Eph. 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Be Kind to One Another

• Rom. 12:16 - Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.

Live in Harmony with One Another

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=rom%2012:16&version=NIV

• Eph. 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

• Col. 3:13

Forgive One Another

• 1 Pet. 4:9 - Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Be Hospitable to One Another

• Rom. 12:10 - Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Be Devoted to One Another

• Rom. 12:10 - Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Honour One Another

• Col. 3:16 - Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Teach and Admonish One Another

• 1 Jn. 3:16 - This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Lay Down Your Lives for One Another

• If you were to pick one of the “one anothers” to emphasize over the next month in your small group, what would it be?

Group Discussion

Invest Time in Building Community

• Between meetings – Prayer for each other– Social media– One-on-one coffee times– Mentoring relationships and accountability

groups– Touching base– Fun group activities


• During meetings

Egli, Jim and Dwight Marable. Big Impact: Connecting People to God and One Another in Thriving Groups. ChurchSmart Resources. 2011, p. 68.

Focus Action Time

Welcome Opening Question

10 Minutes

Witness Praying for Friends

10 Minutes

Word Bible Study 25 Minutes

Worship Worship 15 Minutes

Wind Ministry 30 Minutes


• During meetings– Some structure and predictability can promote

a sense of safety.


Welcome – Breaking the Ice

• If you could choose, in which Olympic sport would you most like to win a gold medal? Why?

• What’s one thing you wish someone would do for you when you’re sick?

• Finish this sentence: One topic I’m interested in learning more about is….

• One thing I’m really looking forward to right now is…

Witness – Building Communitas

• “…communitas describes the dynamics of the Christian community inspired to overcome their instincts to ‘huddle and cuddle’ and to instead form themselves around a common mission that calls them onto a dangerous journey to unknown places –

Hirsch, Allan. The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press. 2006, p. 221.


• a mission that calls the church to shake off its collective securities and to plunge into the world of action, where its members will experience disorientation and marginalization but also where they encounter God and one another in a new way.”

Hirsch, Allan. The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press. 2006, p. 221.


• According Egli and Marable’s (2011) research, “If you want to experience deeper community in your small group, you should make it an open group that actively reaches out to others.”


Word – Facilitating Excellent Community-building Discussion

• Discovery Questions – What does it say?

• Understanding Questions – What does it mean?

• Application Questions – What should I apply to my life?


• Understanding Questions– Synonyms – What is another word for “grace?”– Definitions – How would you define “Lord?”– Differences – What is the difference between

forgiveness and reconciliation?– Similarities – How is the church like a human

body?– Opposites – What is the opposite of truth?– Relationships – How are “lordship” and

“obedience” related?


• Understanding Questions– Examples – What are some examples of two

being better than one?– Why – Why do you think Jesus wept over

Jerusalem?– Explain – How would you explain salvation to a

child?– Extremes – Which one of the characteristics…– How – How do you think we can sharpen one

another as Christians?


• Application Questions– What stands out to you from this passage?– What is one thing that you can take from our

discussion into your week?– How does this ______ (truth, principle, idea)

apply to your life?– What is the next step for you to live out what God

is saying to you through this passage?– Can you illustrate this truth with an example from

your own life?


• 10 C’s of Quality Questions– Concise – Complete– Clear– Connected– Conversational

Davis, Deena. Discipleship Journal’s 101 Best Small Group Ideas. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1996.

– Contestable – Challenging– Creative– Controversial– Considerate


• Questions that are judgmental, negative, or prescriptive can tear down and disempower, while pure questions can provoke greater understanding and motivation.

Walling, Terry. Leader Breakthru Coaching Skills, p. 31.

Worship – Opening Our Hearts to God and Each Other

• Encourage people to worship from the heart

• Take time to pause for God to do a deeper work

• Allow time for personal sharing

• Include times of spontaneous worship

Wind – Ministry to Each Other

• Exploring group dynamics• Large group prayer

– “What is one thing you want to ask God for?”

• Small group prayer– “What is hurting you right now?”– “Where would you like to grow in your life?”– “What area of your life is holding you back from

experiencing God more?”– “What has God been saying to you tonight?”

Wind – Ministry to Each Other

• The Role of Prayer in Your Group– Decide prayer’s place– Be sensitive to peoples’ level of comfort– Give freedom– Pray about group issues– Guide people to expect God’s response

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 78-79.

Extend Forgiveness

• Dig deeper

• Push a bit

• Talk about grace/forgiveness

• Create the right environment

• Experience grace and forgiveness

• Make failure an expected event

Ibid. 87

Provide Support

• Attending

• Validation

• Assessing reality

Ibid. 88-90

Provide Support

• Groups take over when necessary– “…groups take over where the weak person

gives out. They provide love, support, advice, and encouragement when the person just doesn’t have the resolve to do something that seems difficult or even impossible” (Cloud & Townsend, 90)

• Identification

Ibid. 88-90

Process Grief Together

• Invite sad, confused and angry emotions

• Help the person go through the stages

• Allow the person to continue to process

• Function as the lost resource

• Teach about grief and loss

• Help with faith

Ibid. 95-97

Provide a Place for Healing

Healing is not the absence of the pain (just like faith is not the absence of fear – faith is choosing to walk in right ways despite fear)

Healing is knowing the root of pain and not functioning according to the lies I am

tempted to believe right now.

Ken Dyck, Founder of Freedom Session


• Comfort the hurting

• Validate their experience and feelings

• Separate injury from symptom

• Empower them to take ownership

• Provide support to engage in emotionally corrective experiences

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 98-100.


• “Groups use the power that God provides to give people a new life, new ways of relating, and new ways to experience themselves” (Cloud and Townsend, p. 100).

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 100.

Practice Loving Confrontation

• Normalize and expect confrontation

• Address patterns more than events

• No condemnation and no equivocation

• Invite people to redemption

• Contain sin

Ibid. 102-103

• “Conflict flows from life…Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives. Without it life would be a monotonously flat topography of sameness and our relationships would be woefully superficial” (Lederach, 2003, p. 18).


Lederach, John Paul. The Little Book of Conflict Transformation. Intercourse, PA: Good Books, 2003. p. 18.


• 4 G’s of peacemaking– Glorify God– Get the Log Out of Your Eye– Gently Restore– Go and Be Reconciled

http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958149/k.303A/The_Four_Gs.htm


• The Seven A’s of Confession– Address everyone involved – Avoid if, but, and maybe – Admit specifically – Acknowledge the hurt – Accept the consequences – Alter your behavior– Ask for forgiveness

http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958153/k.7417/Seven_As_of_Confession.htm


• Four Promises of Forgiveness– "I will not dwell on this incident.“– "I will not bring up this incident again and

use it against you.“– "I will not talk to others about this incident."– "I will not let this incident stand between us

or hinder our personal relationship."

http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958157/k.B361/Four_Promises_of_Forgiveness.htm

Building Intimacy in Your Small Group and Facilitating Excellent

Discussionswith Dr. Randy Wollf