Teaching Techniques

Why Don’t You Want to “Go With” Me? The Dynamics of Interpersonal Attraction T. Jean Byrne

Topic

Self-esteem and mutual attraction in interpersonal rela- tionships.

Lesson Objectives

Students will be able to identify issues in interpersonal relationships, particularly those related to mutual attraction.

Assessment Criteria

The ability of students to transfer lessons learned from an activity regarding nonthreatening preferences to a discussion of interpersonal attraction and relationships.

Purpose

This activity demonstrates that many options are avail- able in selecting a partner, and that finding a compatible partner, even for the short term, is not easy. Reciprocity (compatibility and mutual attraction) is more unlikely than likely. Therefore, lack of mutual attraction should not result in feelings of rejection or inadequacy.

Most adolescent relationships are transitory, which is as it should be, since early relationships are intended to be learning experiences. These early experiences should allow preadolescents and adolescents to determine the qualities they are looking for in a long-term relationship. However, many students, particularly those in middle school and junior high school, still view the break up of a relationship, or the non-start of one, as a failure on their part. They feel that someone has rejected them because they are not “good enough” or that they just don’t measure up.

This situation can have a negative effect on self-esteem, and in some cases, even lead to self-destructive behavior. According to the 1997 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance survey, 20.5% of high school students had seriously consid-

T. Jean Byme, PhD, Associate Professor, Dept. of Adult, Counseling, Health, and Vocational Education, 316 White Hall, Kent State University, Kent, OH 44242; or <jbyme@educ.kent.edu>. This article was submitted November 2, 1998, and revised and accepted for publication February 16, 1999.

ered attempting suicide during the 12 months preceding the survey. Overall, female students (27.1 %) were significantly more likely than male students (16.4%) to have considered attempting suicide.‘ Moreover, no reduction has occurred in the suicide rate for 15-19 year old adolescents since 1987. It actually increased from 10.2 to 10.5 per 100,000.2 Though many factors contribute to the suicide risk, many are linked to low self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to minimize the potentially devastating impact on self-esteem that failed relationships can bring.

Activities and Strategies

This activity involves the listing of preferences of a nonthreatening nature (for example, food preferences), which can later be used to mimic preferences in interper- sonal relationships.

1) Distribute 3” x 5” index cards to students. 2) Assign a code letter to each student, which is written

on the card (A,B,C ... Z; if more than 26 students, continue with AA, BB, CC, etc.)

3) Have students label the front “Side One.” Then have them write:

Line one: whether they would prefer an apple or an orange for lunch today. Line two: whether they would prefer it peeled or unpeeled. Line three: whether they would prefer it in sections or whole. Line four: whether they would prefer it alone or with cookies.

4) Have students turn the card over and label it “Side

Line one: whether they would prefer an apple or an orange for lunch tomorrow. Line two: whether they would prefer it peeled or unpeeled. Line three: whether they would prefer it in sections or whole. Line four: whether they would prefer it alone or with cookies.

5) Ask for a volunteer to serve as the recorder to write the results on the board.

6) Tell students that actually what they put on Side One is “what they are,” and on Side Two is “what they are look- ing for in a partner.”

Two.” On this side have them write:

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7) Select one student (J) to be the pivotal student and

8) Have all the other students stand. 9) Student J reads line one of Side Two of his or her card

(what they are looking for; for example, an orange). 10) Since J has an orange on line one of Side Two, any

standing students who do not have an orange on line one of their side one (what they are) sit down.

11) Student J then reads line two of Side Two (peeled). Again, students not matching that criteria on line two of their Side One sit down. Then the third line, and finally the fourth line. Usually there is none, one, or only a few students left standing (depending on class size).

12) The recorder draws on the board an arrow from J to the letters of the students left standing. For example, if Student K and Z are the only matches for J, the recorder would draw:

have the student come to the front of the class.

J + K I 1 Z

13) All students (including J and Z ) stand again. 14) Then K comes to the front and reads his or her Side

Two line by line. Students sit if they do not match the pref- erences for Student K on Side One of their card. B, L, and H match K’s criteria and are left standing, Then Z proceeds as above. A, J, T, and CC match Z’s criteria and are left standing. The recorder would write on the board:

J+ +++ + + + K I t I I I B,L,H I II J

Z + A,T, CC

15) Now, B, L, H, J, T, and CC take turns being the pivotal student by reading Side Two of their cards. Their matches are written on the board; and the next group of

students continues. If time permits, the process could continue until all students have had the opportunity to read their Side Two, or the process could be stopped at any point to allow time for discussion.

Discussion Have students circle those relationships in which there

were matches. Have them write down what they noticed in this activity. For example, they might notice that J does not match K’s preferences or that J does match Z’s preferences, but so do others. Z might not choose J though they match. Have students discuss what they learned from the activity. Possible responses might include:

1) You may be the best “orange” around; but if someone is looking for an “apple,” he or she won’t select you.

2 ) Mismatches are more frequent than matches. Someone may match all your preferences, but you may not match theirs; or you might match their preferences, but so might someone else.

3) A mismatch is a matter of preference, not an indica- tion of quality. People may be very good at what they are, they’re just not what you want; there is nothing wrong with that.

4) Someone may be the “apple” you’re looking for, but you like your “apple” in sections, and they are whole. Likewise, sometimes a person is compatible on Line One, but as you investigate further, they are not as compatible as you first thought.

5 ) It is difficult to find someone who is just what you want; likewise, it is difficult to be just what someone else wants. It is very important to know “what your are.” If you’re not sure of what you are, you can end up trying to be whatever other people are looking for. There are problems when you try to be something you’re not. In the end, you become part of a mediocre fruit salad, rather than the best orange.

6) One part of dating is to find out what your prefer- ences are. As you become more aware of your preferences, it makes it easier to know early on if a person is even some- one you want to consider.

7) Partner selection requires reciprocity, and the likeli- hood of reciprocity is not high.

Figure 1 Student Preference Card Example

Example: Student J’s index card might look like this:

Side One J Line one apple Line two peeled Line three sections Line four with cookies

Side Two Line one orange Line two peeled Line three sections Line four alone

Additional Activities Additional activities might include having students list

some of the factors in actual interpersonal attraction that would be on Line 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. on Side Two (things they are looking for in a partner) and how long it might be before you would find out those things. Students could also discuss ways to let someone know that they are not what you are looking for without hurting their feelings.

Outcome Measures The desired outcome is for students to realize that the

purpose of dating or “going with” is to learn about oneself and about what one is looking for in a relationship and to understand that desired relationships often break up or, more likely, never start. By discussing the topic of interper- sonal attraction in terms of a nonthreatening preference (such as fruit) rather than in terms of personality and appearances, students can address some of the issues that

Journal of School Health May 1999, Vol. 69, No. 5 209

mismatching causes without feeling threatened or defen- sive.

This teaching technique for self-esteem and relation- ships is applicable to students in middle school and junior high.

References 1. Kann L, Kinchen SA, Williams BI, et al. Youth risk behavior

2. National Center for Health Statistics. Healrhy People 2000 Review, surveillance - United States, 1997. J Sch Health. 1998;68(9):355-369.

1997. Hyattsville, Md: Public Health Service; 1997.

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