What Not to Say to Your Kids

7/28/2019 What Not to Say to Your Kids

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What Not to Say to Your Kids: 9 No-Nos

As a parent, it's impossible to keep your cool 24/7. There's only so much whiningand tantrums a person can take before she snapseven super mom loses hertemper from time to time!

When your kid's smaller your words aren't as important as your actionsbut asyour child ages, what you say has a huge effect on his self-esteem. Words can't bedeleted like a bad comment on Facebook, so it pays to speak carefully. Now, topchild experts reveal what not to say to your kids, even when things get heated.

1. I hope you don't end up like... Focusing on what you don'twant your childto become can be as detrimental as insulting him. "We get whatever we focuson, and whatever we focus on expands," says clinical psychologist Nancy Irwin."If you suggest to kids that they are shy, fat, slow, just like their father ... it willbecome a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Instead: Focus on positive traits that you'd like to pass on to your kid:creativity, sense of humor, smarts, curiosity. Work on improvement insteadof setting him up for failure by exploiting his weaknesses.

2. You can't... While you might preach realism as a parent, telling your little onethat he simply can'tdo something that he's attempting is crippling. "Childrenrevere what their parents think of them," says Tammy Gold, a parenting coach."A simple insult could crush the self-esteem of a child."

Instead: Reserve restrictions to when your kid's safety or behavior is at risk.Otherwise, it's important to nurture exploration as part of a healthy

childhood.

3. Never. Family psychologist Edie Raether takes a hard line against negativeparenting. "Never say NEVER! That is the most important rule, as we all need todwell in possibilities."

Instead: Give your child options instead of shutting him down completely.For instance, if he wants to take up BMX racing and you think it's toodangerous, what are some other sports or activities he could try instead?

4. I'm gonna kill you! OK, we've all had that moment where terrible wordshave slipped out. But using violent threatskidding or otherwiseis never OK,according to school social worker Devra Gordon Renner.

Instead: Pay attention to how what you say is perceived by your child.You've had years to understand sarcasm and voice tone; your little one? Notso much. Swap violent threats for real, healthy discipline. A time-out wouldbe infinitely more appropriate.

5. You are the reason why... Unless you're going to finish that sentence witha positive statement, don't start it at all. Don't play the blame game. "These


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types of comments destroy a child's sense of unconditional love, place unfairand inappropriate blame on the child for adult issues, create insecurity anddestroy self-confidence," warns child psychiatrist Tia Horner.

Instead: Take responsibility for your own adult problems. Your child is not toblame for an empty bank account or a bad divorce. Make sure you build him upby cherishing him, not making him feel guilty.

6. Stop acting like a baby. When your 5-year-old goes into tantrum-mode atthe grocery store, its tempting to throw his yearning to be a "big boy" in hisface in an effort to make him stop. Ridiculing or shaming him into betterbehavior isn't kosher parenting.

Instead: Tina Feigal, a school psychologist has a better idea. "If the child isregressing, look for a stressor that may be the cause and try to alleviate it.Don't blame the child, as he or she is not doing this on purpose."

7.I wish you were more like your brother. "The comment I have heardmost frequently that seems to haunt adults from childhood is a reference to not

being wanted," reveals Julie Gurner, a clinical psychologist who specializes inadult psychopathology.

Instead: Make sure your child knows that he's loved as an individual. Even ifhe's acting out or misbehaving, treat the issues at hand; don't showfavoritism by wishing away the qualities that make him unique.

8. I'm disappointed in you. Hearing these words can be absolutelydevastating to the fragile confidence of a child. Children want nothing more

than the approval of their parents or the acknowledgment of a job well done.

Instead: Clinical psychologist Jennifer Powell-Lunder suggests anothermethod for expressing disappointment: "Instead try: 'I am disappointed withthe choice you made' or, 'You usually make better choices; what do youthink happened here?'" It shows that while you're disappointed in poorbehavior, you still love your child unconditionally.

9. You're a bad boy! When your little one acts out, this label can tumble out ofyour mouth without you even realizing it. "Their behavior might be bad, or thechoice they made was bad, but your child is not bad. You need to understand

the difference, and so does your child," warns marriage and family therapist,Lori Freson. "I can guarantee you is that if your child believes he is actually bad,his behavior will be even worse."

Instead: Treat the behavior, not your child on the whole. If he has a tantrumat the library, tell him that being noisy in the library isn't a good choice, notthat he's inherently bad for making a fuss.

Look, there's no perfect parent in the entire world who doesn't lose her cool everynow and again. And while it's totally fine to feel annoyed, angry, tired,


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disappointed or upset with your child, the important thing is that you know whatnot to say to your kids. Of course, even if you do make a mistake, an apology anda hug go a long way in making sure your child feels loved and supported.

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What Not to Say to Your Kids