8/12/2019 The Thousandth Happy Haunt

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/the-thousandth-happy-haunt 1/2

The Thousandth Happy Haunt

They say that Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Even the ghosts in the Haunted Mansion arehappy, being called the “happy haunts”. According to the ghost host, the disembodied narrator of the

attraction, there are ninehundred and ninetynine of them in residence, but he assures everyone, day

after day, that there is room for a thousand ! he even as"s for volunteers. #aul $rees provided thevoice of the %host Host, delivering dialog such as, “&our cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of

foreboding,” 'hich many agree could only have been 'ritten by legendary (magineer ). Antencio. An

unintended conse*uence of his 'riting ho'ever, is that since +ovember , -/0, the HauntedMansion1s %host Host truly became a voice from the beyond, 'ith the death of #aul $rees.

Tens of millions of guests 'al" through the gates each year, going bac" to 2uly -3, -44, and everyyear, a do5en or so families as" permission to scatter the ashes of a loved one in the par", and are

al'ays told no. Then there are the do5ens more 'ho do not as" for permission and try any'ay, usually

unsuccessfully. Disney security and management do not ta"e "indly people trying to corpsefy up the

 par". The most popular place for this particular activity is Haunted Mansion, perhaps in the hopes thatthis departed loved one 'ill become the long sought after thousandth happy haunt. 6hen you ride the

Haunted Mansion, it 'ill be more li"ely than not, that your Doombuggy 'ill stop some'here along the

route for a short 'hile. More times than not, this is because someone had difficulty getting into or outof their vehicle, the 7mnimover ride system being a continuous load and unload system ! they either

all move or they all stop, no t'o 'ays about it. 8ut one time out of a thousand, there 'ill be a cast

member dispatched 'ith a broom and dustpan. There is no official record if the s'ept up cremains arereturned to the family or not. Mi"e Ho'ard 'as certain this strategy of attaining “happy haunthood”

'as fla'ed, and doomed to fail. He had figured it out, and 'as determined to be the thousandth

occupant, and the first not to spring from the imagination of Marc Davis, &ale %racey, or 9olly

:rump.

The clues had been there all along, hidden in plain sight. $irst, in the stretching room, 'hen riddled

ho' to get out of a room 'ith no 'indo's or no doors, a suggestion is made 'ith a clap of thunder,and you loo" up, to see someone s'inging in a noose. ;econd, 'hile 'al"ing through the portrait hall

to the a'aiting conveyances, the population of ghosts is given, and the invitation to volunteer to <oin

them, 'ith the foreboding 'arning that if one lags behind, one 'ould not need to volunteer. Mi"eHo'ard figured it out= to gain permanent residence in the Haunted Mansion, one 'ould simply have to

 <ust never leave.

Mi"e Ho'ard 'as 'ell a'are that since -44, there had only been nine deaths on the various

attractions at Disneyland, the first being in May of -0>, and none of them had been on the Haunted

Mansion. That of course, is not counting the t'o murders and the "indly old #ar"inson1s sufferer 'ho

had a heart attac" 'hile trying to stand up after a fall. He 'as certain that if he could manage to shedhis mortal coil bet'een the friendly %host Host lo'ering the safety bar, and 'arning him of

hitchhi"ing ghosts, he 'ould achieve 'hat no other had been able to do before him, he 'ould be the

thousandth happy haunt, and they 'ould have to change the narration to reflect that the mansion, 'as atlong last, finally full.

Mi"e Ho'ard found that obtaining a fatal dose of cyanide salts 'as trivially easy. 6hile no oneoutright advertised it as a product for his intended use, one vaguely phrased (nternet forum comment

resulted in several helpful emails from overseas chemists in his inbo?. ;impler still 'as bringing a

means of suicide into the par". 6hile security 'ould give a cursory loo" inside bags, one1s poc"ets

8/12/2019 The Thousandth Happy Haunt

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/the-thousandth-happy-haunt 2/2

'ent unchec"ed.

(n Mi"e Ho'ard1s hands 'as an envelope addressed to his best friend, and affi?ed 'ith a fortyt'o cent

;teamboat 6illie postage stamp from @@/, and t'o -0/ uncanceled si? cent 6alt Disney stamps. Heneeded t'o, as one 'ould have left him a penny shy for first class postage. He paid *uite a bit more

than si? cents a piece for those t'o stamps, but in Mi"e Ho'ard1s mind, it 'as 'ell 'orth the e?pense,

'here he 'as going, it 'as not li"e he 'as going to be able to ta"e anything 'ith him.

Mi"e Ho'ard feared that those he left behind 'ould thin" him bereft or depressed, but that 'ould have

defeated the entire purpose of the venture. He 'anted to be a happy haunt, being morose 'ould notserve at all. He doubted that only the most e?treme of funsuc"ers could manage not to be happy at the

happiest place on Earth. The greenpainted iron mailbo? ne?t to the right hand arch under the train

trac"s leading to Main ;treet, .;.A. accepted his letter containing his e?planations and final 'ishes,and he left today behind, and entered the 'orld of yesterday, tomorro' and fantasy, and headed

to'ards his final destination.

BBB

 From the Orange County Register July 18, 2015:

ANAHEIM – A 0@ year old man 'as observed collapsing after seemingly having difficulty breathing

'hile on the Haunted Mansion attraction shortly after -=C@pm on $riday at Disneyland #ar" located at-C-C ;outh Harbor 8oulevard. A Disneyland cast member 'ith AHA Heartsaver AED certification

 performed :#9 until the arrival of #aramedics from the onsite substation maintained by the Anaheim

$ire Department. Attempts to resuscitate on the man identified as Michael Ho'ard, 'ere unsuccessful,

and he 'as pronounced dead at the scene.

BBB

 A few months later, Remy armen of !to"#ton, CA following the instru"tions he re"ei$e% in a letter

 postmar#e% July 1&, 2015 entere% into 'isneylan% (ar# with appro)imately fi$e poun%s of mostly %ry

"al"ium phosphates with some minor minerals tape% to his *o%y+ e ma%e his way to the rafts to om!awyer-s .slan% where he slowly an% surreptitiously sprea% this fine pow%er among the %irt paths,

where the parti"les that formerly ma%e up the *o%y of /i#e owar% were pi"#e% up *y guest-s shoes

an% %istri*ute% throughout the par#, ensuring that one "oul% not $isit any part of 'isneylan% that %i%

not "ontain a few mole"ules that on"e "omprise% the *o%y of the aunte% /ansion-s Onehousan%th appy aunt+

he Classi" aunte% /ansion narration *y (aul Frees was ne$er up%ate%+

:opyright @-> . :hristopher 8ird