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The Halfway Issue 2015

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Page 1: The Halfway Issue 2015
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Editors’ letterFellow Castlemen,

As time passes and summative season appears ever closer, it is very easy to become wrapped up in our own busy academic and social lives at Durham. However, we as a college must do our upmost to reflect and remember the tragedy that has recently occurred on our doorstep.

We at Floreat Castellum, on behalf of University College, are all deeply saddened by the tragic loss of Euan Coulthard, and are humbled by the efforts and support of Durham students across all of the colleges during the mass searches and campaigns. Euan was a greatly loved member of our university and community. He will be sorely missed. Our thoughts and condolences at this time are with his family, friends and all those at St Mary’s College.

Looking ahead, more than ever, Castlemen should be alert and attentive to the safety and welfare of every member of our college and university wide community. Whether it be joining the new Castle Rangers initiative, walking home and caring for other Castlemen on nights out or looking out for other students who may require a helping hand, we can all do our bit to improve the safety and welfare of students in the Durham community.

Floreat Castellum

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IN THIS ISSUE ...

FEATURES ...

3 What Kind Of Castleman Are You?8 CTC Report10 Cosmostrology13 Ski Trip Diaries16 Castle Freshers22 How to Pull in Tesco28 Been There, Done Chat32 Hallway or Full-length?36 The CCA Low-Down38 Gossip Girl40 The Back Page

COMMENT...18 Living in the No Go Zone

LIST...22 uniformdating.com26 Things To Do To Distract Yourself From The Black Hole Of Loneliness In Your Heart As We Approach Valentine’s Day30 Oh Row You Didn’t!34 10 Ways the English Can F*ck Up Burns Night

INTERVIEW ...20 An Interview with Sue

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What Kind Of CastlemanAre You?Choose your responses to these thought-provoking questions to find out where you fit in Castle’s distinguished social strata...

a) Lloydshack (preferably Castle Corner).

b) NOVA … I didn’t come to Durham to wear a gown.

c) Fabs Fabs Fabs.

d) I’d rather stay in the Undie… I hear opening times are later now too. Legacy nights are also acceptable.

e) I’d rather not go out… Summie season.

f ) Formal then Klute… Can’t beat the classics.

a) Alcohol.

b) Drugs.

c) Lies.

d) Power.

e) Sex.

f ) What’s a vice? I’m gonna have to say ... Books.

1. What is your favourite Durham night out?

2. Choose your vice.

QUIZ

Laurence Holmes-SmithFLOREAT TEAM

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a) Niall.

b) Please. I don’t listen to One Direction.

c) Zayn.

d) Harry

e) Liam

f) Louis

a) I just want to be happy and surrounded by people whose company I enjoy. :-)

b) My Combined Honours degree in Philosophy, Education and Russian will prepare me well for a career in freelance music journalism.

c) Hopefully I will land a job in the City through my hard work and diligence (i.e. contacts).

d) I want to get onto the Durham postgraduate scheme, otherwise known as EY.

e) After a comfortable 2:1, I want to pursue a career in law or marketing.

f ) A steady income and a stable family life will suit me nicely.

a) Failed once, but made it onto Security: I just want to be involved!

b) I refuse to apply to Bar ... It’s a matter of principle.

c) First time lucky ... Obviously.

d) Three, and I won’t stop until I make it.

e) Security is more my scene.

f ) I would rather work Toastie Bar: free food and no one to talk to.

3. Which member of One Direction are you?

4. What do you want out of your Durham experience?

5. How many times have you applied to Bar?

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a) It’s Castle, it was bound to happen ... Plenty more fish in the sea.

b) It’s 2015, we have an open relationship. I don’t care.

c) How can someone do this to you? You run Castle, and will ‘make their life a living hell.’

d) Top gossip! I’m the talk of the college and this is great social publicity.

e) There’s no way ... We’ve been revising together all week.

f ) Huh? I’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

a) McBusted. (Great new band!)

b) Just chill vibes, you know.

c) Taylor Swift.

d) Robbie Williams.

e) Have a look on my Soundcloud page, you won’t have heard of them.

f ) Ed Sheeran.

a) Take Me Out.

b) ***LATEST NETFLIX ORIGINAL***

c) Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

d) Made in Chelsea.

e) I don’t watch TV, I have deadlines and social obligations to attend to.

f ) Antiques Roadshow.

6. Your best friend sleeps with your partner or ex. What do you do?

7. Who are you listening to?

8. If you were a TV programme, what would you be?

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a) Apple Sourz! Be careful!

b) Absinthe.

c) Slippery Nipple.

d) Tequila.

e) Hatfield Night-ender.

f ) A refreshing glass of water.

a) You and your best ones on the Castle steps pre-formal. :-) :P :D

b) EITHER from a journey of self-exploration in South East Asia OR taken on a film camera (BOTH for bonus points).

c) You and the girls from home ... I went to a big school, don’t you know.

d) You on the ski trip! Best week ever! #aprèsaprèsaprès #LAFOLIEDOUCE

e) From the Bar Christmas Meal.

f ) A nondescript landscape photo, featuring yourself or not.

9. If you were a shot, what would you be?

10. Your profile picture/cover photo is ...

Mostly a) You are a Societies Slut… You like nothing better than the thrill of standing for virtually every JCR role, and the Wednesday Castle ritual of a Bailey bar crawl followed by the anti-Lloyds / pro-Lloyds tradition of Castle Corner.

Mostly b) You are… Edgy as fuck. If you took a gap year or not (although it gives you a clear head-start), you are both integral to Castle and against everything it stands for. Typical character-istics are frequent trips to NOVA, a lack of boring high street apparel and a fierce hatred of the Castle classic ‘Angels’.

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Mostly c) You are a Mean Girl … Queen Bee. Leader of the pack. Top of the social ladder. Centre of Pre’s. So... fetch. - regina george

Mostly d) You are a wannabe / Social Butterfly… Similar to but not synonymous with the Societies Slut, you try your utmost to reach the tangible prestige of the Castle elite and, if required, may fake a Loveshack loo run to find these higher circles.

Mostly e) You are a mighty Minstrels Warrior… Your friends are out and experiencing Durham’s finest watering holes- fear not, the social pond of the Lowe awaits, and when the post-ex-am season arrives you will truly unleash your latent party potential. - geek

Mostly f) You are… Distinctly average. You are the regular, everyday, stock image, uncontroversial Castleman. You manage a healthy balance of work and play, but may need to get out a bit more: take a leaf out of Westlake’s book and complete summative work in productive post-Klute hours.

Top Quizzes: How ladylike are you?

How long would you last at Vs? Which character from Tinderella are you?

Which member of the exec are you?

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CASTLE THEATRE COMPANY REPORT

CTC has a reputation for being one of the best theatre companies in Durham. Their latest production has been described as “thought-provoking, moving and at times brilliant: what we have come to expect from CTC”. All the hard work put in by President George Rexstrew and his exec has secured the success of the society once again this year. However, this year’s team have certainly had their fair share of banter and antics. In this mid-year report, Jess Christy divulges many of CTC’s hilarious backstage stories and their plans for the year ahead.

Backstage Banter

- The unexpected moment when the Elephant Man’s walking stick folds up mid flamboyant twirl and smacks him in the face.- Laughs ensued in Motherland rehearsals after the realisation that, in one of the most Northern universities in England, only 2 of the actors actually had northern accents.- Panic ensued in Agnes of God when a certain special effects item exploded in the Tunstall Chapel. Never has salt been used so frantically. - In their Ladies Night performance of Brothers Grimm it was ratified that “Walser Tossing” had become the new, much loved, Castle Sport. - Never in their wildest dreams did they expect to get up close and personal with the Elephant Man’s banana hammock. “Just to let you know Kate, you may see testicle.” – Hugh Train, 2015.- You can tell when a theatre after party has been particularly outrageous when one cast member asks “Shona, can you lick my face?”

FEATure

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A sneak peak of what is to come …

Private Lives

In Louisa Mathieu’s production of one of Noël Coward’s most loved plays, hush-hush, prepare yourselves to experience an evening of wit and amusement with an air of upper class luxury and lunacy. A love story like no other, where romance re-ignites in the most unlikely and inappropriate of places, a divorced couple rekindle their love while fortuitously meeting on their separate honey-moons. Madness inevitably ensues. Although the details of the show are still very hush-hush, Louisa told Floreat, “Expect to see a fast-paced comedy of manners with plenty of dry humour, on-stage chemistry and door slamming!” Showing later this term, Private Lives promises to be an evening of laughter and entertain-ment not to be missed.

If you are interested in getting involved in Private Lives, in whatever capacity, please email [email protected].

CTC Summer Shakespeare Tour

The highly anticipated annual CTC Tour encapsulates the fun, frivolities and fabulous quality of productions that defines the company’s reputation and appeal. Last year’s touring show of “Twelfth Night” saw the 14 strong cast and crew, 3 tiny cars and a croquet set travel from Suffolk to Devon on an amusing journey filled with tents, beautiful venues, royalty, swimming pools, stately homes, top chat and quality theatre.

This year’s tour, promises to be even better with President George Rexstrew promising that “planning is already well and truly underway”. “This year we will be performing Shakespeare's 'The Comedy of Errors', directed by the very talent-ed Ellie Gauge, whose previous credits include DULOG’s Gala and Edinburgh Fringe shows in 2014.” As well as the usual “5 actors, 1 car” trip across England, George also told Floreat that CTC may have something else up their theatrical sleeves for this year’s tour. “We are currently investigating the possibility of taking the tour abroad afterwards, so watch this space.”

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Cosmostrology

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CosmostrologyWith summative season fast approaching, many Castlemen will be looking for

reassurance and advice on how to reconcile their wild night out antics and lowering self-esteem this term. In this issue, Floreat reveals the fault in your stars with helpful horoscopes from the one, the only, Mystic Westlake and her helpful

sidekick, the Divine Dumpy Dom.

FEATure

Sagittarius 22 NOV-21 DECBe careful before signing for your house. A storm is brewing with one of your potential housemates, whilst a romance is on the cards with another: Don’t be that second year couple that lives together. Join a new project or society outside of college so as to break away from the bubble.

Capricorn22 DEC-19 JANTake some time to relax and reflect over the academic year so far. Be wary of any enemies you have made up to this point and behave discreetly if you have angered any older years. Drama on Palatinalps has left behind a sour atmosphere.

Aquarius20 JAN-18 FEB With your birthday meaning you are at the centre of attention, be careful with decisions relating to partners and one night stands as you need to live with the outcome in a uniquely public university environ-ment. Remember, just because a potential hook up is not at Castle doesn’t mean they don’t have a connection with a past romanticinterest.

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Pisces19 FEB-19 MARBe extremely careful about what you accept in your love life as you must live with it for the rest of your degree. In fact, any reputation you create could continue beyond uni, when you are living in London, probably in Clapham, with the rest of Durham.

Aries20 MAR-19 APRBe wary of a friend’s ex. Finding a balance between summies and socials will prove difficult. A rift is growing in your college family: try to reconcile the situation so as to avoid any awkwardness at college events. Don’t ignore that slightly quieter boy or girl in your seminar class, otherwise you will be on your own for Valentine’s Day.

Taurus20 APR-20 MAYDon’t set your heart on competing in the Lumley Run: spaces are becoming increasingly exclusive. Try to improve your class attendance before a regrettable mark is returned to you. Despite it being dry season, protect your emotions and try to avoid Klute this month.

Gemini21 MAY-20 JUNEYou will have the urge to do great misdeeds though this must be resisted. There will be times when you want to break the rules, to cheat the system, to tickle your fellow formal dwellers until they pee. Remember, you are better than that.

Cancer21 JUNE-22 JULYYou will have an overwhelming urge to kick a pigeon this month. Remember; conceal don't feel, let it go. Failing that, do not go out in expensive shoes or flip-flops.

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Scorpio23 OCT-21 NOVWe hope you enjoyed this year of your degree because the next one isn’t looking great. Rekindle an old flame for a bit of amusement through the rough times, but don’t get too attached as it won’t be going too far.

Leo23 JULY-22 AUGYou will encounter grave misfortune. Every time you miss college dinner it will be your favourite type of potato – the fried disc shapes ones most likely – that will be on offer. You must not lose hope.

Virgo23 AUG-22 SEPYou are lonely, but this will change. Broaden your horizons. Instead of ringing the police at the sight of someone who stands in Bailey court staring at your room like a dead-eyed shark, offer them a biscuit and ask after their family. If you let love come to you it may just do so.

Libra 23 SEP-22 OCTYou will fail in all your endeavours this month.

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Day One:

After having tragically told a member of Jo-Bo �at �eir accommodation would be miles away and Castle’s very central due to NUCO basing �eir accommodation set-up on Durham itself, I was rapidly proven wrong as I struggled across Les Arcs to �e far edge of �e resort whilst watching my JoBo fwends walk into �eir hotel at �e bottom of �e main lift. Embarrassing. Magnus has already broken his skis and returned to England. Cracking start. On �e plus side, I actually have a place on �e trip, unlike last year where my arrival in Tignes was bo� a surprise and stress for NUCO.

Day Two:

The fit NUCO rep has already clarified to �e apartment �at he is “taken”. Will try and wear more clo�ing next time he visits. In fact, I have decided to stop walking around �e resort in just a towel after Joe Boyd-Morrit just locked me out on his balcony, dripping wet, in arctic conditions. Rumour has it �at Barney Jeffcoat-Dick had a near dea� experience on �e slopes today after a particularly ambitious jump attempt. However, I am sure his confidence will return at Red Hot Saloon �is evening.

FEATure

Ski trip diaries

Didn’t go on Palatinalps? Feel like you’ve missed out

on essential in-jokes, college based hilarity and gossip? Sarah Westlake recounts her experiences

dealing with the snow, ice and appalling chat so you

didn’t have to.

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Day Three: Disaster: I have been removed from Ski School after my instructor ran away from me wi� �e rest of �e class. He claims I chose to discontinue my lessons yet I do not remember making such a decision. I don’t �ink we’re going to be friends. I have decided to instead focus on après more, al�ough I don’t �ink I have been quite as dedicated as some of �e Fresh. Good e�ical morals were seen across �e First Years last night, wi� Ed Thomas shagging his best mate’s ex, after which she was received wi� a standing ovation upon leaving �e apartment. My �oughts are wi� Ed, who no longer has a best mate…

Day Four: I �ink everyone was a little ropey on �e slopes today after last night’s hermits. I wonder if Allegra Dowley will be giving her number out to any more random, short and top-knotted members of bar staff at �e Igloo Party tonight…Igloo Party was significantly colder �an we had expected. Krassi took control of �e situation and somehow managed to organise a coach for 30 attendees who wished to leave early. Dreamy.

Day Five:Alice Patchett has �e most enormous hat I have ever seen.

Day Six: Harry Gordon competed naked today. In fact, nudity seems to be a recurring �eme on �is trip. There are reports coming in of clo�ing currently being removed at Feast on �e Piste. Tops were also rapidly removed last night following Mike Horsey’s (or was it Toby’s…) decorative skills being displayed by painting a number of second years and finalists wi� red wine. I was unimpressed, al�ough my apartment assured me �at by �e end of �e year Horsey and I will be best buddies…

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Day Seven:

Incredible scenes at Wilkinson last night. Helen Bradbrook wandering around aimlessly for half an hour wi� a torch after having lost her watch was particularly tragic. Unsurprisingly, �e watch was not found amongst �e 2000 people in �e venue. However, time for mourning her loss is limited as, after an incredible and eventful week, it is time to return home. Hopefully bo� Castle coaches will be on �e same ferry �is time. Pray for Zack Burgess-Wahl at immigration, who is currently lacking any form of identification to prove he is a British citizen.

A special mention to…

Disney Trip: Tom Blackwood and Catriona CrellinFastest Snow Boarder: Helen Bradbrook

Night Ender: Mike HorseyMost successful Après: Charlotte Varela

Most dedicated participant: Magnus PierreMost impressive freestyler: BJ Dick

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Just now***JCR MEETING THIS MONDAY***

Come to the Great Hall this Monday at 7:30pm for the first JCR meeting of term.Free Jaeger Bombs.

To be elected at this meeting:College PokémonCollege Liaison to the Vatican

***CASTLE CALENDARS***A desperate plea to PLEASE buy a bloody calendar: we have loads, and I mean LOADS, left over. Sara(h) Westlake, Alice Patchett and Amanda Marsh do not want boxes of your naked bodies in our rooms. Let’s try and at least attempt to make a profit for Castle DUCK this year.

Just nowThe Environment Committee

*** FORMAL SIGN UP *** Unfortunately, the formal sign up system for tomorrow evening's formal has once again failed us. Just turn up on the door. You'll probably get in anyway.

***LOST AND FOUND***Tara McCarthy appears to have lost her dignity after being found on the floor underneath a six foot mirror at three in the morning. If anyone has seen it please could it be returned to 5 Holly Street, before Tara wees in her sink …again.

ServicesJust now

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***INTERNSHIP OPPORTUNITY***Please sign up. I’m on commission.

Durham Brand RepJust now

Castle VolleyballJust now

*** CASTLE VOLLEYBALL TEAM ***Looking for players for this afternoon's game......... Anyone?

*** [Insert controversial comment here from arrogant Castle BNOC and have fellow arrogant Castle BNOCs showing their support and massaging his/her ego by 'liking' the post. Cue excellent dinner gossip and 15 minutes of fame for one lucky fresher]***

CTC

Just now***THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES***CTC are proud to announce that their next production will be Eve Ensler’s stimulating and deep “The Vagina Monologues”. Auditions for this challenging and thought-provoking piece will take place this Wednesday and Thursday in the JCR. Male roles only.

CCAJust now

***CCA OPPORTUNITIES***An exciting new volunteering opportunity has opened up, assisting and offering support to those Stockton students who have been allocated accommodation in Middlesbrough. Please do not hesitate to get in contact with a member of the CCA Exec if you are interested in applying for this rewarding and worthwhile role.

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COMMENT

Living In TheNo Go Zone

Some of Castle’s year abroad students live in the farthest corners of the globe, whether it be in China, Russia and even the wild’s of Narnia during their year of

adventure. It is evident from the outset that they will have to adapt to very different cultures and ways of life. Some countries may even be dangerous and remote. However, French student Nick McQueen couldn’t have imagined that

Paris would surprise him with a culture shock of its own.

I was surprised and amused to read that, according to Fox News in America, the area in which I live has been classed as a Parisian 'No Go Zone', where police have relinquished all control in the face of rampant Islamism and violence comparable to the situations in Iraq and Afghanistan. The reports were ridiculous and clearly made up. You might say I almost choked on my baguette. In reality the situation is far less dramatic, yet there is something in the air, a certain ill-at-ease. But it did not all begin with Charlie Hebdo.

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Helicopters, Guns, and Soldiers I arrived in Paris for my year abroad at the end of July, but as early as then I remember seeing soldiers in full gear in the streets. Multiple times I was caught in traffic as convoys of police vehicles numbering 20 or more passed through public roads; one of my lectures was interrupted by a police helicop-ter that decided to hover outside the window. Then there was an 'ISIS bomb threat' on the Paris Metro in the news. That might all sound alarming, but no one really took any of it seriously. Even after the Sydney hostage crisis, nobody in Paris really considered it anything more than government paranoia. All the above examples were of little significance in my mind except in retrospect.

Que faire à Paris?

Since Charlie Hebdo everybody is paying attention. Your ears prick up when you hear sirens. The sight of soldiers with their rifles unsettles you and I have crossed the street to avoid them before.

This week I saw two plain clothed police officers on the Metro apprehend a drunken man who was causing a fuss. Everybody exchanged concerned glances, not for the drunk, but to ask 'what are undercover cops doing on the Metro?' The 'Je suis Charlie' sentiment is one about 'not letting the terrorists win', and certainly they haven't, but there has been a blow struck to the French sense of security.

However, what has not changed is French pride, the French way of life, and the cohesion between the different communities. People still go to art galler-ies, sip on coffee and complain about the tourists in Saint Michel. Wine, cheese, and cigarettes, not terror, are the order of the day. Gay Paree, for now, remains very much gay.

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An Interview with SueShe doesn’t look like she has, but Sue from the Servery has worked for Castle for

46 years. She’s seen more students come and go since she started at Castle in 1967 than the number of potatoes the college goes through in a year (this may be

a slight exaggeration). Sophia White sat down with Sue, who’s basically her college mum, to find out more about Sue’s time at Castle.

From June Balls to farm animals at formal, Sue has all the stories. She worked her first June Ball when she was 14. However, it wasn’t quite as magical as the evening is these days. “It was totally different to the way it is now, we used to do two sittings in the Hall, two in the Undercroft and 2 on the Gallery. Then they would come in the Hall for the bands. I saw some really good bands at the time, people like Free and Manfred Mann”.

Sue lived in college from the age of 17 to 19, just before she got married. I wanted to know if any of the fellas from college in the 60s fancied the pants off Sue. One of them did and even asked her on a date when she was just 16. “I did go for a drink with one of the students. Took us up for a drink in the Angel, but me mam said I could only go for a couple of hours, I could only have a soft drink and she’d be waiting outside for me!”

In my head I imagine the students of Castle in the past to be old fashioned and relatively boring (I mean, a college without us gals? Bore off). How wrong I was.“They used to get up to some weird activities - they once had a formal and they were all sitting in their suits and dickie bow ties and when they stood up they had bras and knickers at the back! It was just at the front of the suit and ties!”

interview

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An Interview with SueThat wasn’t the strangest formal though.“There was this one formal and they let in a sheep. There was a sheep in the hall. It took ages to catch it. Someone opened a door and pushed a sheep through and it was just running around!”

The antics don’t just stop at formal though.“All the cutlery was stolen once. You could go into the dungeons then and someone hid all of the cutlery in there!”someone hid all of the cutlery in there!”

But it’s not just the students that get to enjoy staying in this beautiful place. Royalty have regularly been to stay at the Castle. Sue has served the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh twice. The Duke, coming over for a chat with the staff, asked Sue if the male students chased her around the rooms! What a cheeky guy. She’s also served the Duchess of Kent, seen Prince Charles, met the late Queen Mother, and been offered a lift home in a Rolls Royce (an offer she kindly declined, not wanting to send the chins wagging in her street). Working at Castle obviously has its perks!

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Finding someone to walk you down the aisle...How to pull in

Where to meet other potential suitors outside of the Castle walls without straying to the realms of Tinder (#guilty) or Fabs is a seemingly unanswered question. However, Klute isn’t the only hunting ground in Duzza. Jenny Strugnell tells Floreat’s readers to think

outside the box, and inside their bag for life.

The ‘Queue’: Its Friday afternoon: Tesco rush hour. You’re surrounded by beautiful boys clad in stash (#Tesco’sFinest). Look in their basket, pluck up the courage, and comment on his unusual shaped vegetable. Conversation starter.

The ‘Love me…I mean help me’: Even if you don’t really care which salad dressing goes best with a rocket and ‘erm…leaf ’ salad, ask the lycra-wearing health-loving chica’s advice. That is, if you can catch her as she combines her weekly shop with high-knees and lunges.

The ‘Cinderella’: In this cold weather you are bound to be wearing gloves etc. If you spot a dashing fellow, drop said glove in his eye-line. Like Prince Charming, he will return the item. If unsuccessful, retrieve glove with feigned relief and persevere in a different aisle.

The ‘Gun Show’: Spy a damsel in distress struggling with her bags. See it as an opportuni-ty to impress with top chat and physique as you effortlessly carry the shopping to the Viaduct despite your Bailey-based accommodation #ToyBoy. (‘Gym Lads’ only).

The ‘I wish I had a step-ladder’: For the vertically challenged. Scout an item near a poten-tial beau on a high shelf. ‘Oh no you can’t reach’ (lol)! As he helps you, laugh at your height. Self-mockery is always a winner. Unless they just laugh at you because you are in fact VERY small.

The ‘Gentle Giant’: Complementing the ‘I wish I had a step-ladder’, if you see a potential target struggling, lend a hand. If height not possessed, don’t fret – be ironic. ICE BREAKER.

Don’t be left on the shelf this term, bag yourself more than just your weekly groceries.

Feature

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Floreat’s Maddy Vincent has trawled the depths of the internet to bring you the very best of Castle’s own uniformed ladies and gentlemen.

Where to meet other potential suitors outside of the Castle walls without straying to the realms of Tinder (#guilty) or Fabs is a seemingly unanswered question. However, Klute

tells Floreat’s readers to think

clad in stash (#Tesco’sFinest). Look in their basket, pluck up the courage, and comment

In this cold weather you are bound to be wearing gloves etc. If you spot a dashing fellow, drop said glove in his eye-line. Like Prince Charming, he will return the

-

-

height. Self-mockery is always a winner. Unless they just laugh at you because you are in

: Complementing the ‘I wish I had a step-ladder’, if you see a potential

St John Featherby

Degree: Theology Job prospects: Sexy Sergeant

Eschewing his normal uniform of

suede loafers and patterned ponchos, Lieutenant Featherby will be fiercely guarding his privates in his quest to

defend his Queen and Country.

Bill Goss

Degree: Theology Job prospects: A very comfy seat in heaven, probably near the cigar and whisky table.

Swapping his V’s shirt for the dog collar, this Right Honourable gentleman will be

drinking the communion wine rather than his preferred pints. A lucky few may have the privilege of riding his speedboat, and

no, that’s not a euphemism.

List

/Castle’sFinest

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Mike Bedigan

Degree: Spanish and RussianJob prospects: McDonald’s

When he’s not making you laugh, he’s making you chicken nuggets and large

fries. Castle’s own funnyman, Mike Bedigan is looking for someone to share

that lonely late night McFlurry with.

Heidi Cadman

Degree: Anthropology Job Prospects: High Flyer

Will’s fellow air cadet enjoys her time in the cockpit, but don’t let her sweet

demeanour fool you – she definitely prefers to be in the pilot’s seat.

Harriet Wollaston

Degree: Classical Past Job Prospects: NHS

Nursing more than just a hangover for once, Harriet already works for Great

Ormond Street Hospital. If this flame-haired beauty makes your tempera-ture skyrocket, maybe you’ll be lucky and

get a private sponge bath.

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Will Moon

Degree: Philosophy Job prospects: The next Maverick

This former Frep and occasional Michael Bublé tribute act is reaching for the skies on a weekly basis as a member of the Air Squadron. As the saying goes, ‘Aim for the Moon, and if you miss you’ll land next to Pizza Express so

not all’s lost anyway.’

Dulcie Howe

Degree: Bioscience Job Prospects: Vet

Normally found in her natural habitat on the river, this rower plans to attend Vet School after graduation. However, Dulcie already cares for a large animal in the form of her boyfriend. Bad

luck, boys.

Sophie Hicks

Degree: LawJob Prospects: Quaddie Expert

Sophie found her true calling early on in second year, as a bartender/dignity-de-

stroyer in Klute. Let’s hope lawyer-client confidentiality extends to anything

witnessed on the dancefloor.

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THINGS TO DO TO DISTRACT

YOURSELF FROM THE BLACK

HOLE OF LONELINESS IN YOUR

HEART AS WE APPROACH

VALENTINES DAY

You single? You looked in the mirror recently? Coincidence? Charlotte Spence tells Floreat about things your single self can do to cope on V-Day as opposed to crying your tear ducts dry whilst watching “50 Shades of Grey”. You’re thirsty as hell HOT DAMN and there ain’t nobody willing to put out right now.

1. If you can’t find your other half, become your other half… eat until you are the size of two. Who will be laughing then?

2. Remember that people with dates are spending hella dolla on each other to have a forced night of hyped ‘romance’ and disappointing sexy times, whereas you can have that for free before 11 at Klute. HOLLA, who’s got dolla now?

3. Remind yourself that you are an independent woman who don’t need no man (or vice versa) and remove all those people who insist on getting involved with you. Start with all those who cause you pain and suffering, you can do that for yourself thank you very much.

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4. Don’t emerge from the dark pit you call your room. You are not lonely, you are choosing to be alone. If you ignore it, it’s not real.

5. Turn into the Valentines Grinch and rant about how Valentines is the most commercialised, unromantic day of the year. "Why do people need an excuse to buy you flowers- if they want to be around you they should buy you flowers on random days of the year" - Alex Demidov (whom clearly isn't receiv-ing any flowers on V-day this year.)

6. Treat yo’self! Buy that £1.50 toastie, and that blue Smenergy. Hell, if we are getting this wild you might as well treat yo’self to a midnight huge sized urban oven. HOT DAMN, calm down there, you’re making the single life look almost too fancy.

7. Conduct a Gossip Girl marathon. If you can’t have the hot and passion-ate bump and grind, at least you can watch others have it…six seasons worth of it…yay.

8. Finish the day with a wild one-night stand. Not too wild though, wouldn’t want to waAHHke up the entirety of Bailey court

9. Follow the advice of the great Pablo Picasso: “Love is the greatest refresh-ment in life.” Clearly Picasso never encountered Tequila…. “Tequila is the greatest refreshment in life”- Charlotte Spence (You’re welcome. Use this knowl-edge wisely.)

10. Finally, if none of the above helps you deal with your single existence, which (let’s face it) you’re still reading so you already know none of it will, I present the ultimate key to V-Day happiness: Me. Yes, you may apply to take me on a date. Applications due midnight 10th February. Send a paragraph summa-rising why you are the perfect date to my inbox at ([email protected]).

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Been there, done Chat.

By now the fresh are fully familiar with the ‘free love’ ethic of the lustful play-ground that is college, and with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Floreat

plays cupid to make sure that everyone feels the love tonight.

DISCLAIMER: We aren’t suggesting that any of you have shit chat, we’re sure you don’t need any help (at least that’s what your mum tells you).

Are you summative season? Because I just want to make you finish.

Your gown looks great, but it would look even better on my floor.

Meet me in the library at seven and I’ll let you get beLowe me…

If I followed you home would you Keep me warm?

Meet me after my Toastie Bar shift and I’ll butter you up.

They say the Black Stairs are haunted, but if you come back with me the ghosts won’t be the only ones screaming tonight.

I love your Halfway Hall dress! It’s definitely girlfriend material.

Do you read Theology? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

I’m not in Castle Photography Society but I can picture us together.

Did you know I live on NG(said every single exec member ever)?

How do you like your eggs at brunch? Scrambled or fertilised?

I play Netball - I know how to handle balls.

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And finally, if your attentions for some reason aren’t focused on a castle(wo)man, this golden oldie never fails (even if it is a white lie for most of us):

I live in a castle.

Remember guys, all’s well chat ends well, even if it might take a while to cum.

If you buy me a Smenergy you might get in my Undies.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you play lacrosse, I wanna nail you.

The cathedral isn’t the only massive phallic tourist attraction in Durham.

Do you mind filling out this survey? It’s for my diss...

Grab your boat club blazer, you’ve pulled.

Do you do French? Parce que tu peut être le roi de mon château.

Wanna see my Windy Gap?

I might be in University College Ukulele Soc but trust me, my instrument’s not small.

Are you the Senior Man? Because I wanna see you get Win-low, low, low.

This face is leaving Klute in five minutes - be on it.

He might go to Fives but I’ll send you to Seventh Heaven.

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Oh ROW You Didn’t!As Durham’s most renowned sport, many a fresher has taken up the chance to partake in rowing for the pride of Queen and College. But the oar-inspiring truth is kept well and truly under wraps until all the novice boats are decided. Here are just a few reasons why Natasha Yadav told college rowing to ‘kiss her stern’.

1) Signing on the dotted line is equivalent to trading your soul away to Satan. Learn to row with a side of ergs anyone? 2) The bonds which tie your social together are Wear deep. Those that row together, pee together. Urinals are unisex. #class3) What’s the point in doing the swim test we all ask? Ask the fresher who swam to the landing station instead of rowing to it. #doyouevenrow 4) 6am start time? Can’t see your oar? Questioning the meaning of life? Just row with it.5) You’re not getting a 1:45 split, erg-o you’re chundering into a bucket.6) If the Senior Man is your cox, run away. You have (Win)low chances of making it back to dry land.7) If you think catching a crab means fishing for a certain crustacean you’re better off in the Angling Society.8) Coxes are vertically challenged people who harbour Napoleon complexes. 9) Novice cup is about as likely to occur on time (if at all) as we are to see a unicorn.

Quotes from UCBC:

“It’s 110% image boys.” “NO SHOES IN THE BOAT!” “B*tches love rowers.” “Is it bantz if I jump into the river?” Coxes to the boys: “Long and hard chaps.” “Sun’s out Gun’s out” – how convenient it’s never sunny in Durham. “Who needs a naked calendar when you’ve got unisuits?” “This is the calm boys… and we are the storm!” #CastleWinsHexam

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Oh ROW You Didn’t!ADvertisement

Russell Crowe went here.So should you!

Just 100 yards from Durham Cathedral.

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Tel: 0191 3860960

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Halfway or Full-length?The Age Old Question

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Halfway Hall is more than just a standard college ball. Beyond the aesthetics, the beverages and the inevitable carnage that ensues, Halfway Hall symbolises the race to the finish line. It represents the daunting feeling that, sooner or later, the reassuring pattern of Formal/Undie/Klute will be a drunken haze of the past. It’s time to let loose, grab another jägerbomb and seize the privileged student moment.

Naturally, you’re going to want to feel pretty swanky. However, the dress code which applies to this Ball produces a tricky conundrum for all of the Castle ladies. The question on everyone’s lips: whether to go short or long. Providing the JCR with the answers to students’ most pressing issues, Floreat informs their readers of the pros and cons of the Halfway or full length debate.Why you should choose …

… Full Length dresses.• If you’ve got it, flaunt it – It’s the second years’ one ball of the year. Your one opportunity to strut your stuff and have the whole college judge your fashion sense, style and swag. Make that extra effort and achieve legendary status from your judging peers. You never know, even the Fashion Show Exec may come a-knocking.• No need to get your legs out – Although we ladies like to say we’re practically perfect in every way, sometimes, the time it takes to achieve leg perfection just isn’t worth it. Cover them up and spend more time paint-ing your face/improving your chat instead.• The view of your shoes is minimal – Let’s be frank, shoes are expensive.

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Buying new shoes for every ball would quickly leave you student loan-less and crying into your bank statements. The less we see of your shoes the less guilty you will feel when it comes to reusing them.• You’re in a fucking castle – Do you need a better excuse to pretend to be a princess?• It’s February. You’ll be freezing ya tits off – We’re in the North East of England. It’s nippy. You’ll be glad for every piece of fabric you can get.

Short dresses.• We love to boogie – Whether your signature move is the shuffle or the slut drop, no one wants their shapes restricted on the dance floor. With the Halfway look you may even stand a chance against “Lord of the Dance” Throp himself.• Spillage isn’t lickage … it’s a stain – The minute you touch that glass of red wine or the red pepper and lentil soup it’s going to end up spilt over you in some capacity. Call it damage limitation.• Utilise Legacy time – The longer you spend changing out of your gown, the less time you have to absorb all the banter and Castle chat, almost guaranteed to increase your BNOC status. Start out short and sass the night away in Legacy without a care in the world.• All the lads – Getting your legs out may be effort but boys be loving the short look. If you need further explanation, just ask *insert college shark here*.• Never overdress again – At one time or another, every Castle lady has made that bit too much effort and stuck out more than a Trevs student coming to formal in jeans. Choose the half-life. No longer will you fear about being too frilly, too glitzy or too fancy for the occasion. The short dress represents sophistication with a distinct casual air.

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10 Ways the English can F*ck up Burns night

Burns night has already been and gone but, as a true Scot, Archie Balfour has not been impressed thus far by our English appreciation of Scottish tradition. In his first Floreat article, Archie tells the English public what they’re missing

out on.

My first experience of Scottish country dancing outside of my homeland was at college this year…it was truly awful. So awful, I was forced to reconsider my choice in abandoning free tuition fees and my 'No' vote in the referendum. Since it is now apparent to me that the English enjoy murdering what it is to be Scottish, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that it is done correctly...

1. Curious about what the Scots wear under their kilt? Try taking a peek. Don't worry, it's completely socially acceptable in Scotland.2. Own anything that's even slightly tartan? Nothing shouts 'cultural appropriation' louder than wearing a tartan garment purchased from H&M and claiming it is from the clan of your half-Scottish grandmother.3. Ceilidh is pronounced 'Kay-lee'. Make the effort to pronounce it any other possible way. Bonus points for incorporating that D. Gaelic speakers love the D.4. Confused about what you are actually celebrating? Provide a convincing argument as to why you think Robert Burns was in fact the last king of Scot-land. He is Scotland's most famous and celebrated poet, not the Ugandan dictator Idi Amin.5. Never reeled before? Feel free to improvise whilst dancing. The Scots know that once you've had enough whiskey you will hear a voice telling you that your freestyle routine is infinitely better than the moves the Scots have been practicing for centuries. How could you not listen to that voice?

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6. Continue to insist that haggis is made up of the guts of a sheep. Any true Scotsman (or Scotswoman...) will tell you that the wild haggis is actually a three legged creature that runs around in circles in the highlands because one leg is shorter than the other two. 7. If you're worried you won’t be a good dancer, there will be a dance caller to help you. Try to ignore them and be as loud as possible. The English have always told the Scots what to do and it's not like us as a college to break tradi-tions. 8. Think you know all of the words to 'Auld Lang Syne'? Demonstrate your knowledge by screaming it at the top of your voice. The Scots don't even know what language that is and neither do you.9. If you're not Scottish and you're brave enough to wear tartan trousers, a Scot may insist that you call them 'trews'. Refuse to do this; you speak English, Scottish is not a language.10. Girls, as you know the Scottish pride themselves on their masculinity. When boys try and spin you, spin them harder and rob them of this masculinity.

This will be my first Burns night outside of Scotland. Let’s hope the English do it justice.

N.B. Editors’ note – Archie, the self-proclaimed King of the Scots, failed to get out of bed to sign up to formal.

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THE DEDICATED SOULS OF CASTLE - The CCA Low-Down

Here at Floreat, we feel that it is important to recognise some of the members of our college who go above and beyond to benefit not only Castle but also the

wider Durham community. A year on from its launch, Floreat presents the chat from the classrooms, the humour from Hallgarth and all the hard work done in

Sanctuary 21 by our dedicated Castlemen.

Primary Education Division Helen BradbrookCCA reading sessions at Gilesgate Primary School always prove entertaining and surprising, no matter how many sessions you have attended. The first shock is just how small the children are, followed by just how small the classroom chairs are; a challenge for even the most petite volunteer. Next, comes the task of actually reading with the children, which comes with its own trials and tribulations. There is the constant question of whether they are mispronouncing a word, or whether in fact, it is just their accent (quite a challenge for some of my more Southern coun-terparts). However, pity any child that reads with Erin Cullen, who is teaching numerous Gilesgate kids to speak with a Northern Irish accent. One particular rascal within the group has demanded Verity Rimmer’s pencil case in order to play football with it, tested Matt Becksmith’s mental arithmetic and one week sassily exclaimed on our arrival, “Finally. I’ve been waiting since 3 o’clock.” Then of course there is the questionable indulging of sword fighting, the disastrous group reading at Christmas that resulted in “I’m better at reading than you” and the recent bombshell that these children were only born in 2007 and 2008. All in all a very amusing and rewarding experience, highly recommended.

Secondary Education Division Jess WhiteAfter climbing what seems like Kilimanjaro, bearing in mind my longest walk is from Bailey Court to Palace Green, I get to St Leonard’s Catholic School hoping that the walk will be worth it and that the students looking for help with home-work will be forgiving of my barely adequate knowledge of French. Week to week it varies, you could have a library full of students wanting help from everything from Maths to History or there could just be a few older students who want you

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to proof read their GCSE work. Every week is different and that’s what I enjoy. You go up not knowing what you’re going to be teaching them but also what they are going to be teaching you. It’s amazing what you forget from school. The most rewarding thing is seeing the students who aren’t necessarily the most enthusiastic about doing their homework really engaging in the subject and enjoying what they are doing; all because you’ve given them that extra bit of help and the guidance they needed.

Elderly Care Division Elizabeth Buckheit I’m probably not supposed to pick favourites, but of all the elderly residents I’ve met at Hallgarth Care Home, Ella stands out. She is full of fire, always ready with a quip or a story. She is in a wheelchair and has to use an oxygen tank, but that certainly doesn’t slow her down. I enjoyed coming back each week to hear her tell me about her time at university (English, UCL), her memories of Durham and, of course, to listen to her devastating wit. I remember once, at an Easter basket making session, Ella noted as she began some serious glitter-work, “Oh, look at Janet’s basket. Rather pedestrian, don’t you think?’ Befriending Ella, as well as her daughter, has been one of the highlights of my CCA involvement and my first year as a whole. I’d urge everyone to get involved and find their ‘Ella’ in the Durham community.

Homeless Division Kirsten AshI work every Monday morning in Sanctuary 21 with Archie, and it’s genuinely one of the highlights of my week. We set up the kitchen ready for the first customers, have a cup of tea and start serving. Some weeks are busier than others, and every week is different. The people who come in have such interesting stories to tell, and it’s very humbling. Some of them don’t have anybody and find themselves in situa-tions they can’t get out of by themselves, so we provide them with food, blankets and a hot shower. The difference it makes to their everyday lives is so beneficial - just by showing them that somebody cares. I would highly recommend just taking a couple of hours out of your week or fortnight to volunteer, or check out the new Food Cycle event - it is so worth it!

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gossip girl

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle,

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and I have certainly not been disap-pointed in the stories I’ve been hearing about your attempts to find a special someone to share it with. Of course it is not possible to include all of them in my column, only my favourites, so those of you who exclaimed surprised at once more being messaged by me should consider it an honour – you’re just too wanton to ignore.

As you may have read in a recent college email, the porters are finding it difficult to put letters in the pigeon holes. I am delighted to inform you that this is because my pigeon hole has been full to bursting with cards, roses, champagne, invites to dinner…the list goes on. With that in mind the porters have kindly agreed to accept any invitations and gifts on my behalf. I would also encourage some of you to learn from my pursuers; send a bouquet of roses to those who you have wronged, it is much more likely to see you welcomed back than having your last impression being you stumbling out of the door on what was otherwise a Bland evening.

A famous author once said: “First law of gossip – there is no point knowing something if somebody else doesn’t know you know it”. So with that in mind my little reprobates, remember to keep me informed of any gossip you happen to come across throughout the rest of the term – otherwise what’s the point in knowing it at all.

You know you love me,

XOXO

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floreatCastellum1. Despite being asked to join an exclusive Castle society, one certain lady had the sheer audacity to refuse her invitation! We'll have to keep Tabs on this one.

2. My next scandals are almost reminiscent of a Disney film. Think 101 Dalmatians but instead of puppies...it's boys. It's probably easier to gossip about who Cru(Va)rela Deville hasn't been chasing, but that wouldn't be nearly as fun:

a) Her first conquest is believed to have taken place in colder climes. Let's hope she had a (Jeff)Coat for that BJ...b) Returning to sunny Durham she was discovered again getting intimate with a silly Billy. However, unsatisfied with one Castleman, Deville found herself prolonging her Win-ing streak with a lucky second year.

...if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will.

3. One fresher left the ski trip with one Teeny tiny problem: he had pissed off one of his best mates. What was going on in his 'Ed?

4. Two frisky freshers recently took an unplanned trip to the hospital. Tears were Poole-ing, Schneid remarks and awkward introductions were made, but Alas, the damage was already done. This man needs to be careful, breaking teeth and...Well, we know what else.

5. This gossipee needs a good kick on the Shin. After recklessly abandon-ing wife no.1 he was quick to jump into another bed. The situation could not have been (Siob)handled in a more atrocious manner.

6. Taking a Birdseye view of this next scandal we see two Castlemen getting intimate, exchanging, sweet nothings and Hick-eys. On their latest escapade however, one half of the duo left mid-session because he, quote: "fancied a footlong" which he was ironically unable to muster due to his inebriated state.

What's your guess?

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THE BACK PAGEWe all love a good throwback, especially the resurfacing on Facebook of first profile pictures. Here’s a selection of our favourites. Can you guess who they all are?

THIS ISSUE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

Archie Balfour, Mike Bedigan, Jess Christy, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, GG, Laurence Holmes-Smith, Dom Humphrey, Katherine Hurst,

Nick McQueen, George Rexstrew, Jenny Strugnell, Charlotte Spence, Maddy Vincent, Harriet Walsh, Sarah Westlake, Sophia White and Natasha Yadav.

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