This one’s for...

Chloeand

JesseAlways and forever

The KellehersEd

MikeHank

&Jonjo

You boys are life changers

and

For the guy who called meSomething Else

I tried to say it a hundred different ways;

I love you

Thank you

I’m listening

June - August 2013

1

And it's flowing

Like waterLike hair in the sun as she walks away for the first time

Like a meadow seen between trees

So what of your ideasAnd your presumptions?

I know the waysBetween

There is a doorwayThat is only a blink width away from open

Always

UnrealReal

WordsHereThereIdeas

What matter

And it's flowing

Like it wasLike it wouldLike a song

Yes

2

Darling, sweetestIt's like thisIt's in you

This choice is yoursMake it

I'm right hereWaiting to kiss the pain away

Be fearlessI'm here

Spotting you on your trapeze Your paper wings are real

You can't really fall

(Darling, I don't think you can lose your mind anymore)

Look

Right here.

3

If you are always with me(And my heart, full of your love says true)

Then what is time? Space?

Feeling is only

Molecularly intertwined withinWe are one

All of usThe small, the winged ones

The crawlers and the long toothed

Only the prayer of the presentLends weight

To importanceThe celebration of touchAnd eyes made to see

And music

4

Look, here, this skinA roadmap of experience

It's remembered stretch marks and scarsIts always softness

The shape I'm in

Tiny curls of toe, reaching fingersThis hair falling over a furrowed brow

These arms

This belly (round so soft and shy) held a world onceThis backbone strained against a perfect weightThese legs made a long walk more than an idea

So strikingStrongFragile

This watery and spacious room for my spiritIs breathing in and out

Making rhythms and songs of livingIt is moving in proportionate perfection

All systems swirling together

And this meTells me stories of sensation

And the best of themAre about your legacy there

5

What do you feel?

(I feel the pink orange sun on the hills this time of year)

Television has given us the shorthand of emotion;Child, distended belly and flies

Desperation

Left out is the every day, the probableThat voice on the telephone (after all this time) and a lost key

Desperation

What do you know?

(I know the eightfold path meanders through such light)

Schools give us limited, stock knowledge:This set, this way, this outcome, always

Simple

They leave out The necessary, the useful, we need each other

We are all a tribe in a closed system

What do you dream?

(I dream the flying place and the taste of tomorrow's dew)

We are given a template:Car, mortgage, husband, club

Simple

What's left out is essentialFinding purpose in passion, family

Joyful sacrifice and the religion of generosity

ThisIs what I feelWhat I know

I dream

6

Well the boys in the bandGave it to us good

Laying it out all nice and slowThat kick tom snare

And that snarling lickScarlet bass tones

And then the words comeAll throaty and true

That old wooden floorGot polished with them soles

And the skirts just flew

Ooh that room was movingLike some downtown ladies do

Ain't nothing like this old barAin't nothing like the blues

7

I know Hearts being what they are

And experience and pheromonesI know the science of choice

But

My heart is convincedThat if I find the right words

If I put them in the right orderExactly when you need to hear them

Maybe

Maybe all the worldsWill spin into nowAnd you'll decideThat I'm the world

You want to wake to(Smiling half there and soft)

For a long while

8

I am

neither here nor therewoman, girl

mind, heart smile and spiritlaughing softly in the rain

and crying silent sometimes

I am

both now and thendreamer and practicalhands, arms and back

putting this there and making sure its done

I am

friend and lovermother and child

all things to all peoplewhen it suits us allto dress it up i do

I am

able to move the worldto change the times

grant wishesand heal hearts

soothe minds

I am

in love with you

9

Don't think

Just because you're invited To a place where few have been

That its going to be easy

Don't fret, dearThere will be challenges

It's an invitation to a mazeNot a roadmap to the end

You are not being given the answersJust the book where they're contained

The huntThe chase

Still lies ahead

This is not commonplaceWhat you think you seek

(Being already in your hands)Is just the first step

Don't thinkFeel

The old men like me because I'm wittyAnd the boys love the way I move

The proper ladies love me because they're just like meThe girls love that I have nothing to prove

But they all love me when I smile

Won't you do that thing you doThat makes me feel so good

I want to smile again my dearCome treat me like you should

10

Shh, baby, everything's all rightIt feels (oh sweet god it feels) so hard

And time is so slow right now, like concrete pouring in the rain,

sluggish and messyIt's hard hitting splinters of glass

In all the soft places(When you breathe)

But, baby, it's okThe whole whirling world is still here

And nothing is lostJust changed

(And oh it changed you too)That's not bad, just different

Shh, baby, shh

Don't cry nowWe need you to be strong now

I won't be long nowShh, baby, be sweet for me

Let all the love in

There's more than one wayTo find that meadow

With the sun always risingAnd the song of always

Ringing out

11

I come here Because sometimesI cannot be alone

(With my heart spilling out all over myself)

Here I can be discreteAbout the deep feelings

I cannot leave

Here there are distractions That are not potentially fatal

Soothing That is not too sweet

I come hereBecause sometimes

An old bar full of soundsIs quieterThan I am

When I am alone

12

At times like thisWhen the skin is thin

And every comment feels like an accostAnd every kind eye

Looks like an accusationWhen others' stressful comments

Are daggers

At times like thisI wish

I could know what I know (On bright sunny days draped with you and your smile kisses)

And just let it allBe

At times like thisI write

And hope you're reading

Instead ofCrying out In the night

Like a lonesomeWail

13

Dearest one;

I knew you were nearSo I wrote to youWaited for youSang for you

(And oh how I practiced)

I was so ready for youThat even when I was at my worst I was good for you

And I (whose forever is so brief in this world) waited

Beloved

I am waiting stillSilent

And lost(With the ocean rushing in my ear and the old old hurts shoving)

I cry out(Suddenly and surprised in the night)

If you were (all of a sudden moment) hereI would

StillBe this lost

(But oh I would be sunnier)

14

And I openLike flowersLike hands

Like (all of a sudden) eyes

There is the weight of wingsAnd shoulders back

Head tilted upAnd grin

And oh sweet love of mine yes

You are the keyBut once the door has been unlocked

I dance thereFree

My heart is larger than it possibly could beIt has expanded beyond infinity

There is a light Oh it is so warm

And perhapsIf I hold your hearts in mine

You all can open tooAnd what world would that be

When we all danced thereAll light

15

And the way opens before meWide golden paths

Diverging into forever(I am dancing)

All is meI am everything

I acceptI choose this yes

Let it beAnd let me be meThe time has come

ComeLet us go

16

17

The sky is green to blue to landAnd there is a gateway here

It leads to over thereAnd the lavender calls

A gentle slope of golden wavesA silent twist of stream

An angel in the looking glassAnd hope in every palm

Here is something simpleEasy and cleanly made

A family created itTogether (all those years)

One lifeBoth yin and yang

In and out Different and the same

Ours and yoursHis and mine

Her dancing frivolityHis meditative smile

This is yours for the askingJust take my hand

The sky is velvet black nowAnd the softness is in the air

We swing around the sun againIn the land of over there

A thing worth keeping(Close)

Is worth pursuing

I will seek you out

No more

Come thenFind me here

I have sent up smoke signalsFor years

They clearly describe my coordinates

Come my love

This prefix describes hopeAnd the suffix

A state of being

Come then

I am hereBeing

I will be waitingI'll be

18

The heart has its reasonsAnd there ain't no reasonI can stop pleasing you

The night has its secretsAnd the desperate keep them

For nights when sleep just won't do

I rememberThat room was moving

Like some downtown ladies doThat night when that boy sang the blues

He sang, "I got my mojo working, but it just don't work on you."

I took myself downtownHummin some Motown

Singing, "I can't stop thinking about you."

Too early for drinkinBut I'm feeling so weak and

My hearts all wrapped up in blue

I rememberThat room was moving

Like some downtown ladies doThat night when that boy sang the blues

He sang, "They call it stormy Monday but Tuesday's bad too."

I just keep hopinYou'll come home again

But I don't pretend like its true

You know I'm always dreamingAnd only half believing

But baby, I was made for you

19

The old men like me because I'm wittyAnd the boys love the way I move

The proper ladies love me because they're just like meThe girls love that I have nothing to prove

But they all love me when I smile

Won't you do that thing you doThat makes me feel so good

I want to smile again my dearCome treat me like you should

20

It's hard not to be chosenOver and over again

Even though I know you ain't the oneI'm meant to be lonesome

But I still want someoneTo hold me against the storm when it comes

The lights went downSo we decided to stay

It's the perfect place to come back toThis dirty old place

21

Well the day's just strutting itself aroundAll peacock sunny

And the girls are all smilingIt's a take your shirt off kind of day

And the water's just fineThere's a summer kind of spring in everyone's step

Come out and playAin't no room for heavy hearts today

22

What the early sun knows about me is briefI slept like a small child that night in your arms

I woke when you didTo make sure you weren't leaving

There are dreams still churningThis time of day

Swirling around the still bright airI can taste them

They are wish wonderful and saltyLike joyful tears

We seek the stars we came fromIn the eyes and arms of our loves

I found the way one nightAnd woke with calm in my heart

Today at least I can breatheAnd smile like morning

(Hold me gently and I will wake)

23

It doesn't take muchTo win a heart

A cup of well timed coffeeA gentle touchA word of love

So easily openedThis small container(That holds worlds)

Gentle gentle manTake careWalk softly

Tread lightly

HereIs a heart

So ready to break

24

The tribe is wideAnd the way is far

Some will not make it

What to doBut forge ahead

Keep hope in a saddlebagAnd cry alone

Head upChest out

My way is loveAnd it hurts as bad as any

There are other waysI see them converge sometimes

Yours is perhapsPride and its underside of fallenOr knowledge and ignorance

Each has its other

(I know despair better than bliss, don't I dear?)

The way is long and farLet us sing at the fires at night

And dance on the path by dayRather that then the purple nights

And the long fingers trailing

That way is too cold

25

Dreams comeSudden and demanding

Must and nowThey push unwanted Through the moment

I want bright morningsAnd soft strong arms

And a flower there in the glassAnd perhaps a song

Sometimes there is only the dark woodThe often dark

And the backwoodsSoft underbelly of moss and wasAnd a rank wetness in the way

There are bright things thereUnder it all

Sometimes dreams comeAnd they will not leave

Even when my eyes are wide

26

It's a small coatIt doesn't fit wellI shall throw it off

And leave it for someone I shall strut

And caper nowHere come the drums(And the bass drops)

This new skinIs still wet

But it shall fit wellThis next few miles

27

The sky is a lavender hazeAnd you're near again

String lights dancing in the breezeAnd a handkerchief of longing Watch that bit of shadow there

Make a veil of mightHang it loose across the window

Make a perhaps blanketAnd ask me to stay

There's none but the flowered ones leftIn this mist

28

One bright dayI'm going to wake

Your arms (smelling of cinnamon and sun) wrapped about me Like the blanket I could never find

In any storeI will see the light

Brown red eyelid brightBefore I focus

I will feel the warmthBefore the weight

One bright dayWe will smile soft slow good mornings

And discuss (through touch)Whose turn it is to make coffee

And grins will dance about the room

Someone will put a song onAnd (perhaps) danceInto some bright day

29

She came downstairsLike a lover with a stutter

Reading Neruda to his only, Clumsy, endearing

He was a corduroy blanketSturdy and softNever refined

Someone threw a silk scarf over the lampAnd the room was amber ambiance

A soft strokeLips pressed

Gasp

She turned awayLike the sun setting

Breathtaking and finalDraped in holy orange

He was blue jeansWashed and rough

DressedDown

Someone twisted the spikeAnd the rain was always

And all he could see was blue

30

Beauty comes sneaking up On the occupied heart

Just slips around the backAnd says hello

Muscles sore and stretchedEyes heavy with grit

And the brazen sunlit skyJust flaunts itself

Well, all right, thenI've always been an opportunist

I give more to those who seek me outI bend to attentive eyes

31

Sing me a song of the river And the island in the reeds

Remember me back to the one timeWhen you found me there

(When the green was electric spring)

I will make a palaceAnd bed down there most twilights(As the setting sun singes the hills)

It will have corridors aplentyFor the knowledge I need to be a pleasant vessel

A pleasing pen

Still I seek another seekerOne who needs the length of my side

Artfully arranged round their waistAligning breast to backbone nicely

In an array of sleep clumsy parts

(And another rhythmic heart making counterpoint to mine)

32

I have foundSome small bits of truth

Stumbling through the darkI share them

By keeping them close

I treat others the way I whisper to myselfSo I have made that whisper kind

I see in the worldWhat I fear about my heart

So I am fearless in the wilds of my love

I feel heavenIn the way I forgive my transgressions

So I wake each day and murmur grace

I stumble lessIn the dark

Because of these small lights

33

Sail down riverThere beneath the reaching leaves

Something brightA thing not tattered yet

Grasp and pull

The world slips

Walk southbound tracksBeaten by heat

There in the shadowSomething cool and smooth

Caress and rest your cheek against it

A far cry

Sleep wrapped in cotton cocoonsFeathered head

There in the dreamscapeSomething real

Unimagined and firm

(Supplicants sigh)

34

I have travelled gladly beyondThe silence and the chaos

And I have sought the path in betweenI know what comes after the fall

And the color of the sky when claws are comfort

I bring you newsIt is time

And all the lost and lonely thingsLeft in the shade and solemn

Are mementos and keepsakes onlySo weep only for effect

There is a song And we can sing it

Look here Beneath the veil

There are lips whispering your nameAnd arms reaching for your tired head

A lullabye of kindest softA blanket heavy with dream

I bring you newsIt is fresh on my lips

A berry smear of gladnessBright and stark for tasting

35

I wantAn arm about my waist

A chest to lean intoAnd a thigh aligned with mine

I wantAn eye turned to me

A hand fingers reachingAnd an arm crooked for walking

I want to beIn love Always

36

I'll have a parasol to filter the sunshine into dapplesAnd you'll have a flask for the asking

Full of electricity and fireShe'll bring the fullness of bounty wrapped in wax paper and twine

We'll travel the far path And tread the hills

Follow the clouds out to the edgeAnd find the lizard tree

The day's just begging for our footstepsLet's consume it with relish and wine

Come follow me into tomorrowI do believe its high time

37

There ain't much to itThis old life

A smile hereA nudge there

Moments of activityAnd restA mealA song

And a sleep

Seems so simple sometimesWhen the light's just right

And the babies are sleeping

The rest of the time I guess we just dream

Not much to itThis old life

38

Choice is a funny thing

Before you chose the other roadMy story about you was filled with rose colored expletives

And exclamation points!

Now it's sedateSimple

A comma here and there

It's the same storyBut my it's different

Just one little choiceAnd the pronunciation of

OhIs so changed

39

One bright day the west wind brought newsOn papered bits of wish were writ

The words we seldom sayAnd bits of wit were lettered there

In the flotsam of the breezeWe gathered the pages in amazement

And made a sort of sense of themTo read round the fire light

When a story was all that could mend our hearts

I know what those papers saidI remember the cadence and the rhyme

Remember me down the last corridor And I'll sing you back to the river's birth

The first dreamIs always of waterThe first nightmare

Of loss

Have a drinkI'm not leaving

Once upon a time...

40

Through the wasted landsHeat baking up from the center of the world

Cracked lips parched for greenTobacco and fires for light

We knew this way was hard

The settlements sparsely spacedThe only crop that grows here is angry dry eyed children

Sun bleached and tired from birth

We knew this way was long

We smelled the sea long before our eyes closed in water raptureSalt and smiling horseback nomads at lastThe long ocean journey still weeks away

We laid down our packs with sighsThat let the last of the dust loose from our lungs

We knew this way would be longLong before we began

41

I'm happy to show you what love isAnd send you off to another's armsTo demonstrate your newfound skills

ButIf you should wake one night

Lonely in your perfectly warm bedWith your perfectly lovely lover

And find yourself thirsty for only my taste

Please drop me a lineTo let me know

It's lonely hereOn this mountaintop

All the wisdom of all the worldsIs spare comfort

When I remember your arms

42

Calm, dear wild one, calmQuiet yourself

This turbulence is only a tideIt will retreat soon enough

It is not foreverOnly a deeply difficult now

HereHere is the one rose

Blooming suns eternallyHere

In the gardenStill

Shh, wild thing, shhA heart speaks

But it cannot always get what it wishesWhen it cries out

You must hear the spirit instead

It sings a wish of wisdomNow and then

43

A soft bed of feathers and furWarm light and a kind hand

Slowly strokingA window (curtain filtered)

A tree and a sky

Perhaps some silent tearsOver some loss real or imagined

And arms circling selfPerhaps a small smile

And eyes faraway and crinkled

Simple wishesAre all I haveThese days

44

Last night I fell downCried out in the night

With despairI was found there on the pavement

And held so gentlyThere was a chest to cry on

And kind words to soothe my answerless questions

What do you mean there is no god?

What else but the divine could do that?

45

A whisper in the nightSoft kindness

A strong hand gently holdingA fragile thing

Lost onesHalf dreaming

Sleep heavy and quiet

I heard youAnd those small words

Opened something so wideI could do nothing

BreatheStill

I heard youAnd I do too

46

No matter the despair I will love tomorrowNo matter the pain

I will smileUnapologetic

I will falter and flounder

I am lonelyI find fault with myself

These things are merely A part of the deal

They are no more significantThan the color of my eyes

When the fog rolls inAnd I can't find a good reason

Anywhere

47

I want to be told that I'm beautifulYou make it true

I want to be touchedTo define the shape I'm in

I need to be seenTo be a light

I refute the claim That others are irrelevant

This is no vacuumThere is air here(So much air)

We are all connectedSome more closely than others

In intricate patterns Woven into time

I want to be accepted for what I amSo that I can change

Into something more amazingStill

I work very hard to make these needs Easy to meet

48

I am only half hereThese things I do and say

Are news to me

I wander half blindHalf awake

On these streets

The rest of me dreamsRaises wings to the winds of in between

Trails fingers in a pool of imaginingsKicks clouds to see them bounce

And gazes at the three sunsChasing each other across a deep purple sky

I am only half hereAnd when I am hereIt is often so fragile

So tired

I bring newsOf there

For myself to readWhen I come home

49

A bright yellow and velvety black beeHumming round the lavender

A corridor between buildings starkly receding into thenA finger of thick white fog tracing the mountaintop

A gnarl of limb reaching up from bright green newborn ferns uncurling into dark

And the sudden gold beyond stretching into a sigh

(If you want to be me)

The sky half aware and otherwise cloudedThe scuff slip sound of eight feet

stepping almost in time over gravelly pathsThe moving curl of dirt road unfolding as we pass its origins

And the whip fast blur of leaves becoming a tapestry of vermilion and life

(Where do you keep all your ideas?)

Under this tree is a world no one knowsWalking on top of the bars holding on holding on

This handbill for new ideas weathered by the turn from then to now

That tiny red flower exploding into a wow of sudden colorAnd ice cream dripping sticky onto the

pavement in a shock of green

(Thank you)

50

Compassion, I think (from this small perspective),

Is feeling rejectedAnd (instead) assuming that it is harder

For the otherThan for you

And reaching out(Through the fiery fog of doubt)

In acceptanceOf that choice

51

I dream of other worlds

(the purple skythe blue black loamy ground

the river and the pool oh the poolthe three suns

the reaching trees)

but I am in this one, here and nowfor a reason

beyond my small understanding

I dream of other worlds

(the sky reaching towersthe cloudscapesthe tall walkersthe robed ones

the streams of silver)

but I love this onewith its troubled daysand its restless nights

I dream of other worlds

(twisting inroads beneath and betweenthe carousel of living things

the fruit oh the fruitthe dark eyed ones that speak in shapes

the small animals soft of fur and bright eyedthe smell of tomorrow)

but you are here in this one

52

YouYes you, with the eyes that have seen too much

You, with the ability to do so muchAnd the whisper in your ear that you've not done enough

You

You're changing meI'm feeling you

And now I'm more than I was

Have you also woken in a dream Have you danced alone on your

cluttered floor wishing for a counterpoint as you turnedHave you also tasted tears

when you did not know there was even a sadness

There must be a reason

53

I'm sick with this

Enough.

Whatever it is that pulses behind my dreaming eyesWhatever it is that screams it's awareness within my everyday life

Whatever it is that speaks when I don't know what to say

It's time for it to make itself known

Speak, demonSing, angel

I'm sick with this

I'm fevered with itSweating it out

Hot and fastDreamed up in some frenzy

(And I willingly go again and again to the well, don't I?)

54

I'm not seeking a loverIn order to have another to blame

Or occupy my timeI'm not looking for a distraction

Or a momentary satiation

I'm looking for another bodyTo define mine

I'm looking for eyes to search inFor the stars I know are behind my own

I want to dance across a floorAnd be spun

I want to ask a question in the darkAnd hear an answer

Even if its just a mumble and a sleep arm around me

I'm not looking for a reflectionSo I can see myself better

55

Like silk on a wheelWe change from raw to refined

With every revolution

What is spunWill be woven

Into a shining clothThrown over a lamp somewhen

Like wine in a caskWe change from tasteless to intricate

With every season's passing

What is drunkWill be tasted

By mouths ready for smilingOne winter's day

I will wrap myself in silkAnd drink warm wine

And believeIn a tomorrow

That is refined and intricate

56

She sat in a high backed chairAngels with round, blank eyes stared

from the carving of the wood that she leaned intoWith her would be perfect posture

(Should some suitor suddenly call)

Her gaze was fixed on the mirrorHer arms moved in perfect motion

As she brushed her hair into a slow wave of goldShe thought of other times

(He chased me into the alleyway and we kissed in the narrow place between the buildings

he smelled like apples and his hands were thick and cautious)

Times when she never gave much thought To the way time passes

Mindless and finalLeaving dry evidence of its passing

On every surfaceWearing away at the brightness

That used to be so common

A song that never plays these daysHummed in her mouth

The words mostly forgottenThe melody as fresh

As the first time

Somewhere beyond her aging gazeIs yesterday

As tomorrow knocks gently(Relentlessly)On the door

Her back straightens

57

Characters form in my mind Players in a drama yet untold

They are not like me

I am nearly readyTo write myself

And finally knowWhat it's like to meet meIn the deepening shade

And greet my loveWith lifetimes of yes

58

Got my pole, got my reelGot my creel

I'm goin fishin todayHope I find my way

To the river of imaginingsWhere I find all these magical things

I've built a fire thereOn the island there

It's small and impossibly brightFor those lonely nights

On the river of imaginingsWhere I dream up magical things

Sometimes I tryBut there ain't even a bite

Some days I goI can barely hold my pole

My creel overflowsWith all those songs and poems

Words still wetThey ain't dead yet

On the river of imaginingsWhere I see some magical things

And sometimes it's hardHaving a secret spot

Where no one ever goesAnd only some ever know

Got my pole, got my reelGot my creel

I'm goin fishin todayHope I find my way

59

The fire was just rightLogs in some ancient ideogram

Sparks like stars sudden rising from the flames

The ocean shushed across the sandIn perfect time

Breathing in heavy exhales as the waves became sea again

We sat with this summers tribeShared smoke and drink

Words and song (and we all sang along)

Ain't nothing like a bonfire on the beachWith your families

We knowWe been doin this all our lives

60

We are completeWithout clothing

Naked, I am whole

Yet I would wear my jeansAnd this t-shirt too

Even if no one was around or cared if they were

I would miss the fabric stretching over my skinThe embrace of the denim as knees bent

I would want the drape of second skin ready to be unwrapped

I'm completeJust as I am

But I miss your armsAround me

61

(The music hits)

Pain and troubleThey love to invite themselves in

I don't remember when I gave permissionBut maybe they don't ask

(And the music hits)

Hard days and hot nightsIt's a long road for the weary ones

Dragging memories along like they mean somethingAll loaded up on what was

(Let the music hit)

Today's as hard as tomorrow will beOne foot after one foot after

Do the work make the time countTil it's time to go home

(When the music hits)

62

I've gone from daughter to wife to motherand I've always lived alone

I throw the best party in town and I'm the life of itand I'm always alone

I've slept in arms more than I've slept without themI've always slept alone

I eat with family and friends at every mealI always eat alone

I walk with brothers and sisters marching onwardsI walk alone

I knew what it was like to be in your heart and now I am allone

63

I often rememberWhat it was (is) like

To be all

for just a (moment)

It remains, thoughLike crumbs at the corner of my mouth

Making my Smile just a bit

more (enticing)

Like a bit of starLeft deep (deep) in an iris

Stared at from right up close

so very (mesmerizing)

I often rememberTomorrow

Too

64

ZeroIn

Focus

Feel the electricityIn every extremity

Feel it course Through

FocusIn

Now

See the puzzle unravelFall into an obvious pattern

Laid out before you Perfect

PayAttention

Now

See

Now

65

Up above the worldWhen the clouds are a sea below

I can breatheNo one calls on me

And no hands reach for mine

Just step upon stepThe sun beating down

The quick relief of shadeA flow of flowers where the last rain came

It tempts me every timeThe trail

To abandon the world of must and shouldAnd just keep walking

No destination just an endless journeyAnd conversation a rare treat at the occasional outpost

But I've met these wanderersAnd their eyes are too wild perhaps

Their hands too used to grasping only a walking stickI may keep my residence here on earth

Instead of aboveFor a moment or two longer

66

I am not nearly close enough to comprehension

I do not understandI mean, I just don't get it

Why things are not the way I know they should be

Why am I ever wanting For arms around me

Or a kind eye towards meWhy do I have to memorize

The intricaciesOf desire

So closely?

But I am sureBeyond the upstairs creak

Of large footstepsThere is a somewhere

And it's all so clear

I like to imagineMy soul perched

AboveSmiling gently

As I cry for your rejectionAnd my lonely walk

(Again)

I imagine my soulKnowing

That right around the corner

Comes everything I could ever want

67

I have a bone to pickWith you

You come into my lifeUninvitedWelcome

And suddenlyAll my old ways

My comfortable farcesMy quiet plays

Are shown for what they are:

Tissue paper masks

That's all rightI mean, that's ok

But

Now you wave goodbye and walk out the doorAnd I'm here

With no shelter

(And no, it doesn't matter that it was false cover)

SoI'm hereNaked

And if you can't cover me You could at least

Tell meI'm beautiful

68

She told me I'd inspired herEnhanced the quality of her life

And helped her remember who she was

He told me I'd changed himMade him better than he was

And made him want to write a song

That woman last nightWe met for the first time

And she said I changed her lifeI acted like it was news

And youYou just said

Love you, babeAnd brought me coffee

In bedAnd touched my head

When I sighed a truth to myself

And now I'm so gratefulThat I know what to say

You inspire meTo be better than I already am

You enhance the quality of my lifeAnd you light up some small fire inside my heart cage

A fire I did not know could burn so warm

69

The loneliest girl in the roomThe one who knows everyoneAnd is greeted with such love

By every smileThe one with the smileYou can see for miles

The one with a hug for everyoneAnd an answer to all the small wants

The loneliest girl in the roomSurrounded by a whole tribe

Of people that can't make it throughThe walls

70

The rusted banks of the riverGritty iron flakes of sod

Roots clutch and grope their way in and aroundMaking small shelters from the rushing tide

What flows there is a mystery to mostNone but the bravest make it past the shallows

Feet fearful toe the waveletsStuck firm in the soil

There are some that ignore the tingling in the solesShun the shadows swimming deep

Shed their skinsAnd dive

Those few knowThat the river is all there is

They know the banks are illusionThey know

71

I don't want to change your mindTeach you mannersOr help you define

The way you see the world

I don't want to tell you to chew more slowlyOr to get rid of that tattered shirt

I don't want to replace your couchWith a divan

I don't want you to reassure meMake me better or tell me what to do

I'm not looking for a scapegoatOr a North Star to follow in the night

I don't want more than you have to giveI don't want you to make me whole

I don't want to play a roleIn the farce of a shadow life

I want you

I want you next to meI want you

72

Dear Reader,

These words were set out for the purpose of exorcismTheir effect

I confessIs secondary

I discover their flavor and consistencyWith you

Yet, when I tasteThe despair

And hopelessnessI do feel some responsibility

This is my condolenceMy statement of awareness

I see the bright white somedayI know the golden fields

We are all there dancing

That is the deepest truth

Love, This human (being)

73

There is a quiet knifeShadow forged deep beneath

In fire fueled by lost bonesBellowed by deep sighs of loss

It's subtle edgeLays opaque slices down

Slow

When the darkness is in my very eyesAnd all the joys and brightness

Are less than they areColored smoky indifferent grey

That knife is wieldedBy an enemy so unstoppable

My only optionIs to stand, arms wide

And confess

Here is my heart, battered, tornI have offered it willingly

To beggars, thieves and monstersTake what you willOf its sweet love

Here is my throat, I have bared it Knowingly

Praying for the strikeThat would leave me unspeakable

When I doMy enemy only laughs

And turns the hungry blade inwardWild eye and grin wide

I feel the cut Before it cries

MercyMercy

74

I'm spinning out in thought and it just won't

And then a huge red sign shows up in my soggy vision

STOP

startles a laugh out of me in spite of my lifelong dedication to despair

So I read the next many signsJust in case

But they only say to return shopping cartsAnd that there is only certain parking allowed

Guess you only get an answer sometimesAnd usually when you aren't looking

I been waking so lately

75

Give me a quiet seat beneath a treeLet the play of humans being bloom around me

I'm happiest observing the intricacies of expression

None of it really mattersSo it's particularly important

What we choose and how we doThe badges of our uniqueness

That's shade of blueThose shoes

That book on changeThe songs we play

Me, I value subtletyBut I'm too tall and too damn tired

For anything but dramatic statementsI stand out

So I'll have to keep my quiet aesthetic to myself

76

Dry golden grass chirrs an uneven chorusNight wind starts and frets aboutStealing all the day's warm away

I had not intended to be hereWith no answer to my prattle

But the locust song of summer's kissBut here I am

You will find your way to the only conclusion eventuallyPlodding along sure and myopic

An old horse unaware that your blinders are now goneYou see only the path two steps ahead

There is a lantern in your jacket pocketIt has not been lit for many Sundays

But it's wick is freshI have a flame

We could have lightIf you would just allow it

All the reasons you describeIn your silence as you turn away

Are only fears you carved into the stone around your heartI have read the chronicles of loss inscribed there

So many ways

I see beyond the wall that grewLike a garden left untended

If you decide that there is life left to consumeI'd gentle your heart back

Into a love all your own

77

Sinuous silhouettes dance on the wallsThey are dancing again

(and my thoughts fall)

Playing poker with tarot cardsI've drawn strength

Your hand is full of swordsAgain

(shuffle)

Here is an argument For sleeping alone

And those pearls are in my eyes nowSo the devil rides the wheel across the plains

And here is a secretThat everyone knows

(I cannot find my way back without a heart to follow)

So down down downSpin the wish away

There is a balmIn New Orleans

That only the dance daddy knows

(play them minor chords my eyes won't stay dry tonight)

My very natureIs my enemy

A strange bedfellow indeedGoodnight dear

Goodnight

78

You come nearBrush up, a mere touch

And I am suddenly awareOf every inch of me that is now touching you

That small piece of real estateBetween my elbow and my wrist

Is more alive than anything in this room

Except perhaps my heartSuddenly slamming against my chest

(Can you hear it, you're so close)

And then you step awayAnd Now

That part of me is just arm again

Primed for touchingShould you want thatAccidentally again

79

There was a tropical storm of wordsAdjectives whipped against inside of my mind

Nouns crashed down in thunderous pilesVerbs just rained down in thick sheets

A low, hungry growl of now now now in the distanceThen

Lightning strikes of feelings formed and struck

Lonely screamed from the north, wailing like a banshee brideSadness moaned deep and long

and the fall of wetness was cold, coldAnger flashed and burned, erupting the very sky with wrath

When the clouds went to bed at lastAnd the blue was bright again

I wandered aboutPicking through the debris

Wondering at the destruction

I found this poem thereAnd other evidence of love

80

Complete, this world whirrs aboutSpinning out a perfect description of phi

The counterpoint is perfectly in timeSpace is full of pregnant points

Drifting

What could be is instantly obviousTo the untamed heart

So speak to me of yes or not at all

Possible thens and whens flit aboutMayflies, they matter not

(It's all maybe, dear)

My priority is my own sanityThrough the bending this world offers

So I hope your heart is stronger than your silence

81

Below the lizard treeA flat sided stone

Higher than our heads

A long answerA salt backed kiss

And the wind whipping through the holes unfilled

Long off the sun fallsSlow

Leaves a long tangerine ribbon along the border between sea and sky

And paints the blue sky green

By the time the first star blinkedI knew

Where my heart Wanted to be

I ranI should have stayed

82

I'll take the lonely pathIt's cleaner

And More

It's the only one I see anymore

If someone finds me thereWalking in the tall grass

Head highWell then

They shall be surprised

To find such a warm heartWandering

So

83

Damn the should and must crowdI'll have none of that

There is but one path and that is self evidentI know what right is

When that heat bakes insideWhen that sudden tingle begins

When the soles are alive with writhingThere is a thing I must do

When it is all winter leavesWhen nothing sighs

When my palms are slow sweatThere is a thing I cannot do

What question is there?

Patience is for the sick and the youngMost are competent enough to know

84

In the roomThe women come and go

While the men just stay their groundSilent

Outside The winds swish and blow

Tossing newsprint bits of wisdom 'roundTimeless

Over thereThe river shimmies its flow

Carrying news of tomorrows foundCrying

Up up up with the starsIn places only the lonely know

The lost dreams grow wings without a soundSighing

85

She only knew how to be aloneWhen she was supposed to be with someone else

And her eyes never met yoursUnless she was lying

She was the kind of girl you'd fall in love withBut never could get near

The kind of girl who'd make love to youAnd leave before it was done

86

BelovedBe

Loved

Be warmBe kind

Be presentBe compassionate

Be with meBe Loved

Be daringBe dancingBe holdingBe gentlingBe near meBe Loved

Be braveBe fearless

Be sexyBe open

Be kissing meBe Loved

BelovedThere is one way to be

Which is discovery of joyOne way to be

Which is laughing and moreOne wayBe Loved

BelovedI am already loving you

Be Loved

87

Catharsis, she saysMispronounced it still sticks in my side

Damn wordMy own private C word

CatharticSheesh

At least the music was loud on the way home

Car after car leaving the coastWe were the only car going west

And then you sayThe name of an album

And I realizeIt's serious now

I mean itDoes it matter that it may be the first time

No, nothing matters but the shade of your eyesAnd the color of your stare

Well, then. Time for a drink

Here's to the inevitable endMay it be sweetMay it be kind

May it be cathartic

Damnit.

I love you

88

Oh beloved,What are we gonna do?

Are you ready to be loved?Cause I'm ready

I mean I'm alreadyLoving you

A heart expandsOver timeOver love

Over the endless

A heart is larger withinThan without

A heart can be wonWith timeWith love

With attention

A heart translatesWhat the spirit whispersTo the body and mind

To the nowTo some end

A heart beatsEver hopeful

Against the cage it is born intoUntil (one fine day)

It is freed

89

Pages and pages(And I know it's wasteful these days

but I love the pen to paper kiss)Words and perhaps rhymes

Thoughts incarnate

None of it really means much

When it comes, it just comes

Can I even call myself a writer?No more than whatever it is

And some musingsPurposelessDirectionless

Simply a deeper need forcing itself outAnd some reflection on this existence

MatterlessFormless

But thenHe comes in and says

This one here made me feelAnd she says

This one it made me realizeAnd then she says

InspiredAnd

Who am IReally

To even have the compunctionTo ask

90

BreatheFor crying out loud breathe

LookThere is a sea

Deep and blue and breathingThere is a sea

Look

Just belowThe surface

There's not much else but roomIn between the bits

Of hereIs possibility and not much else

So breatheBaby you're killing me please breathe

Sleep travelInterrupted by a cessation

Gasp and silenceStartled eyes open

Here is my argument:

You may tell me not toOr that there is no reward in it

ButYou may not tell me that I don't

Love you

91

You can't get there from hereNo acceleration can reach that speed

Some already areBut not us

There is a wayBetween the wallsYou can't get there

But you can suddenly be there

PerceptionThat old hack

Blathers its shoulds

A keyUnresolved until the end

A doorMore of a way than a portal

(But let us use metaphor when language fails)

We are mostly blindSo feel your way

You can't get there from hereBut what if we're not here

Unspeakable sufferingIt ends with a whisperThe bangs long done

Crinoline grins

Faster than lightTravel beyond

A far field of colors We can't see

You can't get there from hereYou can be there any time you choose

(And the women come and go)

92

From here The horizon is an undulating blanket of water

Thick and viscousMore than its particles

Land is a far dreamFamiliar and present

But unreachableShould this tiny vessel

Decide that below is its home

The poles lie slackAll ears tuned to the whizz and whirr that doesn't come this time

All minds searching for the hunters below

I am guiltyOf pleasure

We will not harvest this timeBut oh I have gathered so much into my Self

FishingThe wise ones say

Is not about what you catch

93

Slow wakingEyelids tattooed with dappled day

Thin strips of nowThen the fullness of it all

You're across the room nowBut my first thought is of the slow weight of your arm

Something shifts

Thoughts floodJapanese maple leaves Ballet dancing wolves

Whether the yes will come soon

Then honeyed milk coffee warm and aromatic is all I know

I'll take my coffee lovingly preparedAnd I'll take my waking slow

94

The fiery glance Of the woman whose imagined slight

Has your faceIs blazing its way through your sentence

Don't bother with punctuationIt's done

There's a power in decisive privilege

And some age old imbalanceThat has agreed to trade

A lifetime of caged beautyFor withering anger at whim

I'll walk alone

That is no agreement I would takeSo I'll shun it's benefits as well

I'm a humanBeing

95

Intimate fog wraps itself around the day like a perfumed scarf

Another night has passed(I found you there

by the gate in the wall your face upturned to the rain)

Ain't no body like this bodyFor housing this heart

It's probably time to go again(Please don't let me go)

The rain won't comeAnd neither will the sun

It'll be an almost but not quite sky all day most likely

Fate can twistSo why must it twist me

I'll stay if I canHere in your arms

And the mountain can come to meMarching silent

And find me smiling

96

I knowWhat I know about you

Could fit into that tiny pocket in my jeansThe one that holds only a guitar pick

Or a silver quarter

ButI know

I want to know what it’s like to be kissed by youWhat your lap is like when I suddenly sit on it to hold your neck

And nuzzle a ‘love you’

I knowWhat I know

97

There's this secretThat nobody knows

It's sweeter than you thinkAnd quieter too

Common perceptionWould have you think

That raucous and revelryIs all I see

Truth is, friendWhen I'm not working

(And yes my work is play)

I'm curled quietA book and some tea

Bach's remediesAnd a silent someday lover on my mind

I'm sorry to destroy the illusion

Mostly, even the lovers I imagineLove another girl

Just so I never feel so secureAs to think

I could sleep

98

Another heart openedAnother two healed

Reports are filedHere is the inspiration I accomplished today, et al

As long as I don't pretend I'm human it's fine

These feelings, though, argue so well

Some old hurt I've yet to heal wonders aloudAbout the aloneness

And the lossIt asks why there is always

someone else more in need of comfortAnd why I always step out of the way

Instead of sayingNo, be mine

Somewhere between velvet selfishness and gravelly pity is my heart

It's not all brightness, you knowWhen you're something else

99

For more

visit

www.theemmaleeproject.com

There ain’t much to say

but thank you

kindly

oh

and I love you

ever so much

100