September17,2014Dating,Marriage,Relationships&Family

The10CommandmentsofCleanCommunication

Lovingrelationshipsarethemostimportantfactorinamanshappiness,success,andabilitytoliveafullyflourishinglife.Andoneofthemostimportantfactorsincreatingandsustainingthesewarm,intimaterelationshipsiscommunication.Unfortunately,howtocommunicatewithonessignificantotherinahealthy,positivewayissomethingrarelytaughttoeithermenorwomen.Asaresult,manycouplesfindthattheirdiscussionsregularlyturnintoheated,unproductiveargumentsthatultimatelydamagetheirrelationship.Angryfightingleadstodistanceandweakensintimacy.Yelling,sarcasm,insults,andname-callingunderminetrust.Thiskindofpejorativecommunicationcreatesdefensivenessandalienation,whichmakesitnearlyimpossibleforacoupletoaddresstheirissuestogether.Whatstartsasaconversationescalatesintoafightinwhichtheoriginalissuegetsforgotten,youlosetrackofwhatyoureevenyellingabout,andnothinggetsresolved.Incontrast,coupleswhoknowhowtodiscusstheirdisagreementsinahealthywayareabletonipproblemsinthebudbeforetheyturnintobig,relationship-endingissues.ThekeytothiskindofpositiveinteractioniswhattheauthorsofCoupleSkillscallcleancommunication.MatthewMcKay,PatrickFanning,andKimPaleg(hereafterreferredtoas

MFP)definecleancommunicationastakingresponsibilityfortheimpactofwhatyousay.Bybeingmoreintentionalabouttheircommunicationtechniquesandleavingoutrhetoricthatwoundsonespartnerandcreatesdefensiveness,acouplecreatesasafeplaceinwhichtohonestlyandrespectfullyworkthroughtheirdifferences.Whataretheprinciplesofcleancommunication?MFPlayout10commandmentstofollowwhenyouretalkingwithyoursignificantother.Whilethefocusofthispostiscommunicationinaromanticrelationship,muchofthisalsoappliestopersonalinteractionsinallareasofyourlife.

The10CommandmentsofCleanCommunication1.Avoidjudgmentwordsandloadedterms.

Youreactingsochildishrightnow.Ohboo-hoo.Imtiredofyourperpetualpoormeattitude.Maybeifyouweremoreofaman,youdbeabletohandlethis.Youdprobablyfeelbetterifyougotoffyourfat,lazyassandfinallydidsomethingaboutit.

Whenyourehavingaheatedargumentwithyoursignificantother,itcanbeverytemptingtolevelarealzingeratthemtousewordsandputdownsyouknowwillwoundthemandpushtheirbuttons.Suchzingersaimtopointourtheirflawsandteardowntheirworth.Theyaccomplishthismissionbutattheexpenseoftrustandintimacy.

2.Avoidgloballabels.Therearetwowaystocriticizesomeoneyoucancritiquetheircharacterortheirbehavior.Incriticizingbehavior,yourecallingoutsomethingspecificandtemporarysomethingthepersoncanrealisticallychange.Butinassailingsomeonesveryidentity,youreissuingagloballabelablanketcondemnationofwhotheyareatthecore;theydontjustdobadstuff,theyareabadperson.Globallabelscanfeelhighlysatisfyingtohurlatsomeonewhenyoureangryandcanseemcompletelyjustifiableatthetime.Inwritingthepersonoffasincorrigible,youalsoessentiallyabsolveyourselfofanyresponsibilityforyourissuesasacouple:Wewouldnthavethisproblemifyouwerentsoselfish.Butblanketcondemnationsofyourpartnerscharacterareanathematoalovingrelationship.Theywillmakeherfeelhurtanddefensive,greatlyhinderinganychanceofcommunication.Globallabelsalsomakeyourpartnerfeelhelplessiftheproblemisrootedintheirveryidentity/personality,changingwillseemimpossibletothem.Theyreliabletoanswer:Imsorry,butthisisthewayIam!Thus,inusinggloballabelsyouwashyourhandsofanyresponsibilityfortheproblem,whileatthesametime,yourpartnerwillfeelunableandunwillingtodoanythingaboutiteithernotarecipeforeffectiveconflictresolution!Herearesomeexamplesofgloballabels,andhowtheycouldbebetterrenderedasspecificcritiquesofbehaviorinsteadofcharacter:

Youresoself-centeredandonlycareaboutyourself.Inforgettingmybirthday,Ifeltlikeyoudidntthinkaboutmyfeelings.Youresuchabitch.Questioningmymasculinityisalow-blow.Idliketotrytotalktoyouwithoutthename-calling.Yourealwayssohelpless.Iknowyourehavingtroublefiguringouthowtodownloadthatapp,butrightnowIneedtofinishthispaper.Ifyoustillcantgetit,Ipromisetohelpyoutonight.

3.Avoidyoumessagesofblameandaccusation.AsMFPputit,theessenceofayoumessageissimplythis:Iminpainandyoudidittome.Andtheresusuallythissubtext:Youwerebadandwrongfordoingittome.Whenpeopleslightus,itmaybetruethattheyareentirely,oralmostentirely,toblame.Butwhenyouleadwiththatblame,theinstigatorwillinstantlyerectwallsofdefensivenessthatwillmakeworkingthroughtheissuetogetherimpossible.Thisdoesntmeanyouhavetopretendyoursignificantotherisnotatfaultwhentheyare,itjustmeansyouuselanguagethatsaysthesamethinginadifferentwaycouchingyourmessagesothatitactuallyhasachancetosurmounttheirpsychologicalwallsandreachtheirbrain.Todothis,youwanttoswapoutyouryou-centeredaccusationsforstatementsthatemphasizeIhowyoufeelwhenyourpartnerdoescertainthings.Herearesomeexamples:

Youalwaysleavethehousesuchamess.WhenthehouseissoclutteredIendupfeelingstressedout.Yourmoodinessisruiningourrelationship.WhenIcantpredictyourmoods,Imnotsurehowtoapproachyou,andIfeellikethatserodingtheintimacyinourrelationship.Yourealwayslateanditsdrivingmecrazy.Ifeelembarrassedwhenwearrivelatetoevents.

4.Avoidoldhistory.Yourejustbeingungratefullikealways.RememberwhenIspentallweekendcleaningthehousebeforeyourfolksarrivedandyouneverevensaidthankyou?Youdonttrustme?AtleastImnottheonewhocheatedlastyear.Itsalwaysthesamedamnedthingwithyou.Youresorryaboutspendingtoomuchonthecouch,justlikeyouweresorryforgoingoverbudgetonthekitchenremodel,andsorryforspendingsomuchonthedressforourwedding

Whenyoureaddressingacertainproblem,stickwiththeissueathandinsteadofslingingmud,orengaginginwhatmyfriendcallscloset-fightingi.e.,reachingbackintotheclosetofyourpastforoldgrievancestobuttressyourcurrentaccusations.Whenwecloset-fight,MFPwrite,Themessageis:Yourebad,yourebad,yourebad.Youvealwayshadthisflaw,anditsnotgettinganybetter.'Whiletalkingaboutyourhistorytogethermaybeusefulwhenyourebothcalm,MFPrecommendstickingtothepresentwhenthingsareheated,asangerturnsreferencestothepastintoaclubratherthanasourceofenlightenment.

Resurrectingoldbeefswillratchetuptheintensityofyourdiscussion,andwillinvariablysenditoffinadifferentdirectionandawayfromresolvingtheoriginalissue.Plus,yourpartnerwilllikelybehurtthatyourestillholdingontosomethingshethoughtyoudforgivenherfor,andyoubothwillfeellikeyourrelationshipisntprogressing.Itshardtomoveforwardifyoukeeprehashingthepast;instead,letsleepingdogslie.

5.Avoidnegativecomparisons.Youresoirrational,justlikeyourmom.Noneofmyexeswereeverasclingyasyouare.WhycantyoubemorefunlikeDereksgirlfriendis?

Beingcomparednegativelytosomeoneelsesurecansting.Weoftentimeswanttothinkweveevolvedpasttheflawsofourparents,sotohearyourejustlikeyourdadfeelslikeapunchtothegut.Sotoo,ouridentitiesareverymuchbasedoncomparingourselvestoourpeers,andtohavethepersonwelovesaywedontstackuptothemcutsatoursenseofworth.Makingnegativecomparisonsalsotellsyourpartnerthatyouvebeenthinkingaboutsomeoneelse,andhowthatotherpersonmeasuresuptoher,whichcanprovokehurtfeelingsandjealously.

6.Avoidthreats.Ifyouregoingtoactlikethat,thenImnotgoingwithyoutoyourparentshousethisweekend.Ifyoucantgetyouracttogether,thenmaybeweshouldgetadivorce.Ifyoudontwanttobemoreadventurousinbed,Icanfindplentyofotherwomenwhoarewillingtobe.

MFPwritethatthebasicmessageofathreatis:yourebadandImgoingtopunishyou.Itsawayoftryingtocompeldesiredbehavior,butsinceitshutsdownthewholediscussion,evenifitworksintheshortterm,theunderlyingissuewillremainunresolved.Ifyourpartnercomplies,shellonlybedoingittoavoidtheconsequencesofyourthreat,andifshedoesnt,theargumentisgoingtoescalateand/orkeepreoccurring.Thereisaplaceforquasi-ultimatumsinarelationship,buttheycomeafteryouvecompletelyexhaustedeveryattempttocommunicateandcompromiseabouttheprobleminapositiveway.Toooftenpeopleresorttoathreatasaneasywaytoresolvethings,andwillevendroptheDwordtoscaretheirspouseintocompliance.Anorelsestatementshouldntbethrownaround,anditshouldntbepunitive.Thatis,ifyourpartnerisunwillingtomeetyourneeds,createaplantomeetthoseneedsyourself,butdontdosoinawaythatsspecificallydesignedtopunishyourpartner.Soforexample,ifyouwanttospendmoretimewithfriends,butyoursignificantotherwontbudgeongivingherblessing,youmightsay,ImgoingtostartspendingeverySaturdaymorningwiththem,andthenfollowthroughonthataction.Apunitiveultimatum,ontheotherhand,wouldbesomethinglikedecidingtoskipoutonaconcertyouagreedtoattendwithher,inordertodosomethingwithyourbuddies.

Yourpartnermaycometoaccepttheimplementationofyourultimatumoritmaydriveawedgeinyourrelationship.Ifthelatter,itmayspelltheend;cleancommunicationoffersthebestpossiblechanceofrelationshipsuccess,butdoesntguaranteeitifyoujustarentrightforeachother.

7.Describeyourfeelingsratherthanattackwiththem.Yourdemeanorcantrulybewieldedlikeaweapon.Whenweraiseourvoice,withdrawintocoldhostility,adoptasneeringtone,oremploybitingsarcasm,wecanwoundthosewelove.Especiallywhenitcomestocommunicatingwithwomen,youwouldbesurprisedhowacuttingtoneofvoicecanmakethemfeelalmostphysicallyhurt.Instead,doyourbesttokeepyourvoicelevelandcalm.Asyoudiscusswhatsbotheringyou,describeyouremotionsasspecificallyaspossible.Insodoing,MFPwrite,yourpartnercanhearwhatyourefeelingwithoutbeingoverwhelmedorbludgeonedbyit.Herearesomeexamples:

Ifeeldisrespectedwhenyoumakejokesatmyexpensewhenwereoutwithyourfriends.IfeeljealouswhenIseeyoutextingyourex.IfeelhurtwhenyouignoremewhenIcomehomefromwork.

8.Keepbodylanguageopenandreceptive.Evenmorethanwhatwesay,ourbodylanguageconveyshowwereactuallyfeeling.Youmaytellyoursignificantotherthatyourenotangryandarewillingtotalkthingsthrough,butifyourpostureandfacialexpressionssayotherwise,theywillassuredlypickuponit.Theyllalsolikelymatchyourdefensivestance,andthediscussionwillgetofftoarockystart.Tokeepthingsamicable,adoptanopen,ratherthanclosedposture.Foldingyourarms,tensingyourjaw,squinting,lookingdisgusted,ballingupyourfists,fidgetinginanirritatedway,androllingyoureyesareallbehaviorsthatmakeyouseemclosedoff,hostile,andunwillingtocommunicate.Createsincere,invitingbodylanguagebyrelaxingyourface,makingwarmeyecontact,leaningforward,keepingyourarmsuncrossed,andnoddingtoshowyourelistening.

9.Usewholemessages.Oftentimes,youmaythinkyouregettingyourmessageacrosstoyoursignificantother,buttheresultisabigmiscommunication.Theyhearsomethingmuchdifferentthanyouintended.Whatwesaymakestotalsensetous,becausewehavetheentirecontextofitinourheads.Butwhatactuallycomesoutofourmouthsmayonlybeasliceofthatbiggerpictureapartialfragmentthatisthenmisconstruedbyourpartner.Toavoidthis,strivetodeliverwholemessageswhenspeakingwithyoursignificantother.Wholemessagesconsistof4parts:

Observations:Observationsarestatementsoffactthatareneutral,withoutjudgments

orinferences,writeMFP.Thehouseisamess,vs.Ivenoticedyoureaslob.Thoughts:MFPdescribethiscomponentasyourbeliefs,opinions,theories,andinterpretationsofasituation.Thoughtsarenotconveyedasabsolutetruthbutasyourpersonalhypothesisorunderstandingofasituation.MyideawasIwonderedifIsuspectedthatIworriedthatThewayIsawitwasFeelings:Describeyourfeelingsinaspecificwaythatdoesntblameyourpartner.Imconcernedaboutourbudget,vs.Yourspendingisoutofcontrolandreallystressingmeout.Needs/Wants:Toooftenweexpectourpartnertobemindreaders,butasMFPnote,Noonecanknowwhatyouwantunlessyoutellthem.Foranin-depthguidetoexpressingyourneedsinarelationship,checkoutthispost.

Heresanexampleofawholemessage:Wehaventbeenspendingasmuchtimetogether[Observation].Itseemslikeyouvebeenbusier,andIdontknowifthatsjustbecauseyourclassesarehardthissemesteroryoujusthaventbeenasinterestedinhangingout[Thoughts].Ivebeenfeelingdistantfromyouandconfusedaboutthestatusofourrelationship[Feelings].Idlikeforustobemorecommittedasacoupleandtoknowwhatyouthinkaboutthefutureofourrelationship[Needs].

10.Useclearmessages.Justasapartialmessagecanbemisconstrued,sotoocanacontaminatedmessage.Thisoccurswhenyoumixsomeofthe4elementstogetherormislabeltheminordertodisguiseyourrealintent.Yourpartnermightsay,Hmmm,thatsaninterestingwaytodoit,whentheyreallymean,Youredoingitwrong.Orforexample,youmightsaytoyourwife,Andhereyouarefinally,lateasusual.Yourepretendingtomakeastraightforwardobservation,butyourereallymixinginyourjudgments,thoughts,andfeelings.Itwouldbebettertosay,Ivebeenwaitingherefor20minutes.Itseemslikeyoustruggletobeontime.WhenImleftwaitingIendupfeelingfrustratedanddisrespected.Doyouthinkyoucouldmakemoreofanefforttobeontime?MFPnotethatoneeffectivewaytocontaminateyourmessageistodisguiseitasaquestion:

Whydidntyoutakeoutthetrashlastnight?Isthereareasonallthedisheshavebeenleftinthesink?Whydontyoutakeourfinancesmoreseriously?Doyoureallythinkthatsagoodidea?

Thequestioneradoptsthepostureofsolicitinginformationfromtheirpartner,buttheyalreadyknowtheanswerandtheirfeelingsaboutit;theyrereallyjustmakinganaccusationandshowingtheirdisapprovalfortheirpartnerschoice.Tobehonest,itseemslikewomendothismorethanmen(sorryladies),perhapsbecausetheyreoftenlesscomfortablebeingassertive.Muddymessagescreatedistanceandcontentioninarelationship.Yourpartnereitherwillnot

besurewhatyouredrivingat,orwilltakeumbrageatyournotsimplysayingwhatyoumean.Giveittoemstraight,andgiveittoemcleanly.________________________Source:CoupleSkillsbyMatthewMcKay,PatrickFanning,andKimPaleg.Ireadthroughabunchofrelationshipadvicebooksrecentlylookingforsomegoodbitsthatmightbehelpfultopassalongtoreaders.Thiswasdefinitelythebestinthebunch.Itswrittenbymen(oneofwhichrunsamenssupportgroup)andincludeslotsofconcrete,useful,practicaltips.Brett&KateMcKay29Comments

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