Supporting Kidds Fall 2012

Fall 2012 | SupportingKidds.org | 1

SUPPORTING

* meet the people

who make it happen!

important reminders for grieving children

learn howyoga

can benefit your child

the controversy that has people

talking!

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KIDDSFall 2012

2 | SupportingKidds.org | Fall 2012

Thank You to OurRecent Major Supporters

($10,000 and up)

Argus Information and Advisory ServicesAstraZeneca

Bank of AmericaBarclaycard US

Carrington FoundationDelaware Community FoundationState of Delaware (Grant-in-Aid)

Hockessin Athletic ClubJ Christian Studio

Longwood FoundationStephen & Janine Marrone Foundation

Mustaches for KiddsNational Alliance of Grieving Children

New York Life FoundationRivendell Foundation

the start of something new THE CENTER FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN

AND THEIR FAMILIES

1213 Old Lancaster PikeHockessin, DE 19707

[email protected]

S T A F F

EXECUTIVE DIRECTORDr. Stephanie Traynor

CLINICAL DIRECTORDr. Malina Spirito

DEVELOPMENT DIRECTORCarol Boncelet

OFFICE MANAGERDebbie Throckmorton

B O A R D

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICERDaniel Walsh

VICE PRESIDENTNathaniel Bacon

SECRETARYCarrie Kehner

CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICERRodney Yoder

MEMBERS Traci BolanderBill BowlsbeyThomas BurkeMichael Kutner

Eric MonzoNancy MoshelMatthew Rice

Matthew SchlitzEllen SpoehrColeen Toy

Scan to like our Facebook Page!

Supporting Kidds If you’ve been keeping up with Supporting Kidds this past summer, then you may have noticed chang-es in their website, electronic newsletter and flyers for upcoming events. If so, then I’ve done some-thing right. As a University of Delaware Visual Communications major, I’m having an amazing opportunity devoting my time with Supporting Kidds to visually enhance “their look”. Nonetheless, my main goal this past summer was to introduce something fresh and new. That is why, I’m more than happy to introduce the first ever Supporting Kidds magazine! I hope this magazine, and others to come, will encourage you to become more supportive and in-

volved, but more importantly knowledgeable, about this non-profit organi-zation. Supporting Kidds’ main goal is to serve the community, and meet it’s needs, so if there is a story, topic or question you’d like to be covered, we’d love to hear from you.

Until next time,

Cassy Galon, University of Delaware


Fall 2012

ABOUTFor over 20 years, Supporting Kidds has been bringing comfort and support to those who are grieving. Learn more about this non-profit organization.

TEAMWORKGrieving children and their fami-lies are in good hands when they come to Supporting Kidds. Meet the staff that make it pos-sible every day.

REMINDERSTen important reminders for children who have suffered a loss.

CONTROVERSYIt stunned people all around the country to hear what a news-paper advice columnist told a concerned mother whose son had just lost his father due to a sudden death. Supporting Kidds would like to offer an alternate response.

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12YOGA

The practice of yoga offers a pathway for acknowledging the multitude of thoughts and emotions associated with grief. Through yoga practice, a child can find space to acknowledge and sit with the many facets of his or her grief, without the need to disavow challenging thoughts, emotions, or experi-ences.BY DR. MALINA SPIRITO

SUPPORTINGKIDDSContents

Children look to adults for cues for dealing with new circumstances following a death. Yet parents and guardians often are over-whelmed or unsure about how to help them.

Supporting Kidds can help.

Our Mission

We Believe

What We Do

To provide a compassionate pathway to healing for grieving children and their families, and to empower the community to support them in the grieving process.

When provided with support, grieving chil-dren and their families can mobilize their own capacities to heal. A knowledgeable and caring community is an essential aid in this process.

We are a comprehensive center for sup-porting and educating bereaved children, their families, and the larger communities in which they live.

We wish to respond directly to the needs of the community, and therefore offer an evolving menu of programs and services, both at our center and in collaboration with interested partners that serve children.



• 200 grieving children and families helped• 1,450 hours of direct services• 106 Family Survival Kits distributed, free-of-charge to

grieving families.• 438 School Survival Kits distributed (one to every school

in DE), free - funded by the Longwood Foundation• 1,100 people reached through grief-focused presenta-

tions

Lending LibraryExtensive collection of resources focused on grieving and coping with loss, as well as familiy, communication and gen-eral coping skills, for families and helping professionals. Free and open to the public.

Professional Development Training seminars regarding loss, death, and grief and how best to support grieving children and their families. For school, medical, mental health, religious, and funer-al home professionals, for example. Held at Supporting Kidds or off-site.

Educational ProgramsEducational programs about loss and grief in children and their families. For clubs, coaches, community groups, parents, students and other who might encounter griev-ing children. Held at Supporting Kidds or off-site.

Information & Referral ServicesTo assist grieving children and families in locating addi-tional services and materials that can be helpful as they adjust to their loss.

How We Help

Community Impact in 2011


Our clinical services are intended to serve those clients who have needs extending beyond what is addressed within our support group programs. We recognize that while grief is a normal process and not necessarily indicative of a need for mental health intervention, fami-lies often face a number of challenges that complicate the grief pro-cess. Consultation, grief assessment, and individual and family psy-chotherapy services help address the unique challenges and concerns of grieving families. These services can help children, ages 3 to young adult, and their families find ways to make sense of the losses they have experienced, while addressing behavioral concerns and bolster-ing the communication and coping skills necessary to help manage current and future stressors.

Families interested in learning more about the clinical services available at Supporting Kidds can contact a member of the clinical team in order to determine the best course of action for the family.

302-235-5544 or [email protected]

Our 6-week bereavement support group, Healing Pathways, rep-resents the cornerstone of Supporting Kidds’ prevention-based sup-port programs. Healing Pathways provides grieving children the op-portunity to spend time with same-aged peers who are experiencing similar situations. This program addresses multiple topics and issues pertaining to the normal grief process, and thus is appropriate for all children grieving the loss of an immediate family member—it is not simply for those who are experiencing considerable challenges in their grief. This program is open to grieving children, ages 5-18, and their caregivers. Each week of Healing Pathways is structured around a theme that relates to healthy grieving. Children interact with one another to share and learn about the various experiences of group participants and the grief process. Each group addresses the topics of emotions, remembering the deceased, and planning for ways to continue the emotional bond with the person who died, while looking toward the future. Our highly skilled volunteer facilitators provide children and their families with a safe environment, validation of their losses, and the necessary information and tools so participants can grow through the grief process and cope effectively with loss.

Guiding Pathways *

Healing Pathways *

Support and Theraputic Services

* All services to families are offered on a sliding-scale fee basis.


...Teamwork At Its Best!

Meet the People Who Make It Happen....

Carol Boncelet

Development Director

Carol coordinates our spe-cial events, handles public relations and communica-tions, and is responsible for fundraising (so we can continue to offer our ser-vices on a sliding-fee ba-sis, making our services affordable to all). She

welcomes all volunteers! Carol has over 25 years of experience in corporate, small business, and non-prof-it settings. She has an MPA and BS degree and is a mem-ber of the Association of Fundraising Professionals.

StephanieTraynor

Psy.D., MBAExecutive Director

Dr. Traynor is a licensed psychologist who re-ceived her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and Master’s in Business Administration from Wid-ener University. In ad-

dition, she earned a Master of Arts in Spanish from the University of Delaware and is a fluent Spanish speaker. Since completing her graduate work, Dr. Traynor has worked in several community non-profits and universities and previously served as the Director of Mental Health Services at the Latin American Com-munity Center in Wilmington, Delaware. She is cur-rently President-Elect for the Delaware Psychological Association, Co-Chair of the Grief Awareness Consor-tium, and Co-Chair of the Advisory Council of the Di-vision of Prevention and Behavioral Health Services.

MalinaSpirito

Psy.D., M.Ed.Clinical Director

Dr. Spirito is a licensed psychologist who earned both her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a Master of Education in Hu-man Sexuality Education from Widener University.

She attained a Bachelor’s degree from Rutgers Uni-versity, where she studied psychology and sociology. Dr. Spirito oversees all clinical and program-related services including support groups, intern and facili-tator training and supervision, professional develop-ment trainings, and community outreach. Her years of clinal experience include working with children in school and community settings. One of her student training years was spent as Supporting Kidds before it was located to our current facility in Hockessin.

Debbie Throckmorton

Office Manager

Debbie serves as the pub-lic’s first point of contact with the organization. Ad-ditionally she assists the Executive, Program, and Development Staff in a wide range of administra-tive tasks and manages the general office func-

tions on a daily basis. Debbie has over 25 years of ex-perience in administration and management, as well as accounting and financial practices, and has worked for both corporate and privately held companies.

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Free 1-hour tour. Please RSVP at

[email protected] or

302–235–5544

You are invited to tour our Hockessin center! Learn more about Supporting Kidds and the important ways that we help grieving children and their families.

Winner of the 2011 Governor’s Outstanding Volunteer Award for an agency in the health field

Volunteers are always welcome

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If you feel sad, angry, wor-ried, or lonely,

let your feelings out. Talk to people you trust. You will feel better, and they will be glad you trusted them.

When Someone You Love

Dies:

When someone dies, most kids have strong,

scary feelings: sad, mad, lonely, worried, con-fused. This is a normal reaction called grief. Grief takes time and work, but you will man-age it and be okay.

When a person dies, it is for-ever. You can-

not do anything to make the person come back to life. Death is final. You can find a way to adapt to this new reality.

It is scary when someone close to you

dies. You may wonder if someone else will die, if you are safe, and who will take care of you. There will always be a grown-up to take care of you. Most of us live long, healthy lives.

Ask ques-tions about the death or

all the changes that are happening. Even grown-ups might not have all the answers, but they love you and want to help.

It’s natural to feel angry. You may want to

scream, “Why did this happen?” “Whose fault is it?” “Why did you leave me?” “Why didn’t anybody stop it?”

Don’t worry if you sometimes have fun play-

ing ball, hanging out with friends, or watch-ing TV. It’s OK to feel good. Kids are supposed to play, even when they are grieving.

Grown-ups also grieve. Often they

are better at handling these difficult feelings but sometimes they are overwhelmed too. It’s hard to see them upset and confused. But little by little, they will feel better too.

It’s natural to feel guilty. You may worry about an argument or a time when

you were so mad that you wished the person would go away. You may wonder whether something you said or did caused the death. Ev-eryone gets mad sometimes, even people who love each other. The death was not your fault.

Talk about the person who died. Talk about hobbies, funny things

the person did, things the person taught you, how you are similar to the person, what you liked most and disliked most about the per-son. Talking about the person helps you remember and celebrate the person’s life.

10 Important Reminders

for Kids

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Help Us Help the Kids

Supporting Kidds provides services to children and their families on a sliding-scale fee basis. We want to make sure that all families can access our services. Almost 90% of our budget comes from fundraising events, grants, foundations, corporations, and caring individuals. You can make a donation on our website or by mailing a check. You can also help by providing any of these items:

Checks can mailed to Supporting Kidds


Please contact us for details or to make your own suggestions!

Supporting Kidds is a 501(c)3 non-profit, ID #51-0320207. Your gift is fully tax-deductible as allowed by law.

Our Wish List• Magazine subscriptions for our waiting room• Toilet paper, paper towels, kitchen trash bags• Bottled water, juice boxes, caffeine-free sodas for our support groups• Books related to healthy grieving (contact us for details)• Seasonal plants for our porches• Cases of individual healthy snacks (no nuts) for our support groups• Fabric tablecloth with Supporting Kidds name, for use at outreach events• Printing services for our Family Survival Kit and brochure, mailed free to grieving families• Printing services for our School Survival Kit, mailed to schools upon request• Projector to use with a laptop computer• New computers and printers• Cleaning service for a year• Regular weeding and tending to grounds• Periodic home maintenance


Yoga for Grieving Children By: Dr. Malina Spirito


Managing loss and the grief reactions that follow are chal-lenging aspects of the human experience. Grief brings forth a wave of emotional, physical, and cognitive experiences; for

the grieving child these reactions are often unfamiliar and can be very

frightening.


imply learning how to identify our emotional and cognitive reactions is a tremendous part of healthy “grief work” for children. Equally important is helping a grieving child to devel-op a repertoire of coping skills, a “tool box” so to speak, that a child can reach for as

he or she grapples to manage the various physical, emotional, and cognitive reactions that follow a loss. The range of a child’s grief reactions can be far reaching, and may include bouts of intense emotional distress, difficulty with sleep, impaired ability to focus and concentrate, and the development of nagging physical complaints, such as fatigue, restless-ness, and headaches. Therefore, it is essential that griev-ing children develop and continue to enhance a wide-range of coping skills that can be used to address the various

grief reactions they will experience throughout life. Yoga can be a valuable component to a child’s grief work and the development of healthy coping skills to be used across the lifespan. The practice of yoga is nei-ther purely physical, nor purely mental; practicing yoga

involves addressing the needs of both the mind and the body. Yoga involves tapping into one’s breath, thoughts, posture, emotions, and lifestyle in order to foster healthy self-awareness and capacity for

moving toward one’s goals. It is often incredibly difficult for a grieving child to summarize the grief experience sim-ply with words, thus the multidimensional focus of yoga is especially suitable to the unique needs of children. The practice of yoga offers a pathway for acknowl-edging the multitude of challenging thoughts and emotions associated with grief. Through yoga practice, a child can

yoga guides grieving children to look within the self for the

strength and power to persevere in the face of loss

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find space to acknowledge, and sit with, the many facets of his or her grief, without the need to disavow challenging thoughts, emotions, or experiences. At the same time, the practice of yoga guides grieving children to look within the self for the strength and power to persevere in the face of loss. The foundations of yoga fully support the notion that grief is not all illness to be treated; it is a human condition to be experienced. By engaging in yoga, grieving children are reassured that all humans, especially children, possess the innate power to sit with and endure even the most painful and challenging emotions and then grow from them. Perhaps most importantly, yoga is fun. Children of all ages can identify with the animal names and play-ful references used for various poses and guided imag-ery tasks. While the benefits of yoga are far-reaching, the in-the-moment experience can be fun and playful. Grief is a full body experience. Grief impacts our minds, emotions, and bodies. Yoga poses, controlled breathing,

guided imagery, and meditation can help facilitate grief work, while easing physical and emotional tension and quieting the restless mind. Practicing yoga can help en-hance a child’s sense of self-control and self-efficacy, while strengthening the body and soothing the mind. Practicing yoga will not take a child’s grief away, but it can help him or her find ways to make living with grief more manageable.

Dr. Spirito is Supporting Kidds’ primary psychotherapist, providing therapy to individuals and families, both in-house and within the community. Dr. Spirito is passion-ate about children and this passion comes across in all aspects of her work and personal life. Outside of her work at Supporting Kidds, Dr. Spirito is deeply devoted to her family, her yoga practice, and her cat Pumpkin.


The 2012 event was held at the beautiful Vicmead Hunt Club in Greenville, with Delaware’s First Lady Mrs. Carla J. Markell as the Honorary Chair. It fea-tured delicious hors d’oeuvres and drinks, live en-tertainment, and a wide selection of unique auction items, including beach vacations, sports and concert tickets, massages, autographed sports memorabilia, golf outings, and even a side of grass-fed beef. We hope you can join us next year! Join our mailing list, at [email protected], to get information about our upcoming events.

Fundraising events like these provide much needed funds to Supporting Kidds. All of our services to families are provided on a sliding-scale basis, so in the midst of their grief,

families to do not have to worry about paying for therapy or support.

Fundraising Events

This is a high-energy hair and fashion show held in March in Hockessin, Delaware. It is the brain child of J Christian, owner of J Christian Studio in Hockessin. Local models, ages 4-70 strut the runways (catwalks) wearing fashions from local boutiques and hair styled by J Christian Studio. Visit Crazy Catwalks’ Facebook page for photos from last year.

Crazy Catwalk for KiddsMustaches for Kidds

Mustaches for Kidds is a 5-week mustache growing contest held each Fall. Donations are made to encour-age the “growers”. Prizes are given for the sweetest ‘stache and the grower who raises the most money. Weekly checkpoints are at a local bar. This is the most unusual and fun fundraiser around. See www.m4k-wilmington.org for photos, dates, and locations. New this year, Purple Locks for Kidds gives the ladies a way to participate during Mustache Growing Sea-son. Women can register and receive a purple hair ex-tension to wear during this 5-week fundraising event.

Party on the Patio



In late May of 2012, a nationally-syndi-cated newspaper advice columnist responded to an inquiry from the mother of an 11-year-old boy who is grieving the sudden and unexpected death of his father. The concerns this mother expressed in her let-ter are extremely common. Her request for advice speaks to the great need for accurate information to be readily available for griev-ing individuals and to the greater commu-nity that supports those who are grieving. Unfortunately, the “advice” the col-umnist offered to this grieving mother, and to all individuals who read his column, was misinformed and quite contrary to the re-search-informed models we use at Supporting Kidds. This columnist advised the mother to limit the amount of time her son is al-lowed to talk about his deceased father to twice daily and that these conversa-tions should be limited to topics that have not been discussed in the past. Supporting Kidds believes his advice is counterpro-ductive and potentially dangerous and would like to offer alternate guidance to this mother and their community.

Children’s Grief Words of Wisdom for a Concerned Caregiver


The death of a parent at any point in a child’s life is a challenging experience to endure; especially when the death is sudden, unexpected, and clearly

premature. While your son’s grief is surely immeasurable, providing him with appropriate support and information will help ensure his ability to cope and endure this challenge. At Supporting Kidds, we believe the best place to start when working with childhood grief is in recognizing what we can expect from a grieving child, given his or her developmental stage. During the late elementary/early middle school years, a child is beginning to shift from a place of concrete thinking, to a more abstract understanding of death. Children at this develop-mental stage are beginning to rec-ognize the universality and inevi-tability of death—everything that is alive will eventually die. This shift toward abstract thinking and reasoning is gradual. Children at this developmental stage are working to make sense of death; they develop stories and theories about how and why people die and what happens to the body and spir-it after death. This is a natural and expected compo-nent of the 9-12 year old child’s understanding of death.Children in the late-elementary/early middle-school years often oscillate in their moods and their reactions to a loss. It is not uncommon for children of this developmen-tal stage to experience heightened anxiety and fearful-ness about personal safety and the safety of those around them. At the same time, these children may make efforts to cover up their fear or anxiety by striving to appear “nor-mal.” What this may look like externally is a child alter-nating from joking around and acting as though nothing has happened to suddenly withdrawing from social inter-actions or becoming unusually clingy around caregivers. Both research and anecdotal evidence tell us that children cope best when they are given honest and accurate information about death and when they have opportunities to ask questions and to share their reactions and concerns. Children rely on their surviving caregivers to model appro-priate means for sharing of questions, thoughts, and feel-ings. This helps the child to understand that these reactions are normal and safe. Children at this stage need repeated opportunity to talk, as well as opportunity for private re-flection. As the child works to make sense of the loss, he or she will need numerous chances to talk through and process

different reactions and questions he or she may experience. We can try to wish our grief or a child’s grief away, but we take serious risks in the process. By encouraging a grieving child to limit the amount of time he/she is allowed to talk about his/her grief, we risk that grieving child miss-ing out on the opportunity to learn valuable information about the self. Grief helps each child recognize his/her unique capacity to heal in the face of pain and loss. By placing limits on a child’s expressions of grief, we diminish a child’s chance to learn and hone various skills needed to manage not only this loss, but also future challenges that will inevitably occur throughout the lifespan. Most impor-tantly, by encouraging a child to disavow grief, we place that child at serious risk for encountering a myriad of tri-als in the future. These challenges include, but are not limited to, increased risk for development of depression and other mental illness, heightened risk of drug and alco-hol abuse, impaired academic performance, and reduced/impaired ability for coping with interpersonal stressors. Grief is an ongoing, multidimensional, wave-like process. Grief does not occur in a step-wise fashion and it does not have a finite end-point. As children grow, they will encounter new experiences and obstacles, which will evoke new grief reactions to be processed, and ultimately, serve as opportunities for growth. Your son will benefit as

you model tolerance and patience with him as he continues on in his journey through grief. By re-assuring your son of your inter-est in his feelings and your com-mitment to keeping the memory of his father alive, you will as-sure your son that he is allowed

and able to continue his emotional bond with his father, as he continues to grow and strive toward the future. At times, a child may experience grief-related chal-lenges that may be best addressed by a professional, such as a psychologist or social worker. Here are some guide-lines that can indicate when such help should be sought: • child is excessively clingy or shows extreme signs of anxiety • child threatens to hurt him or herself or others • child is engaging in high-risk behavior such as truancy, alcohol and other drug use • child demonstrates marked and prolonged changes in mood, sleeping habits, or social and academic functioningIf your son begins to demonstrate any of these challenges, it will be important to seek the advice of a professional. Finally, please note that you and your son do not need to grieve alone. There are numerous resourc-es available to help families cope with the death of a parent, including books, websites, support groups, and bereavement centers. Please visit the follow-ing websites to learn more about childhood grief and how to best support your son at this challenging time: • www.supportingkidds.org • www.dougy.org • www.childrengrieve.org

My husband was killed nearly a year ago, and my 11-year-old son is still having a difficult time with it. Before the accident, he was always cheerful and social and hardly ever complained. That still

describes him most of the time, but every now and again he slips into moods where he is just the opposite. These episodes occur once every couple of weeks and last for a couple of days, on average. I took him to see a therapist a while back, but I saw no change after three months of weekly sessions, so I took him out. When these moods hap-pen, we talk about how special his dad was and how much he misses him, but I don’t think I’m making any headway. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

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children cope best when they are given honest

and accurate information about death

THE CENTER FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILIES


www.supportingkidds.org302-235-5544

Supporting Kidds

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Supporting Kidds Fall 2012