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Kingdom Marriage & Family 8
Strengthening Relationship through Conflicts
How to deal with anger and how to resolve differences that can add strength to the
relationship. How to restore strained relationship. How to change your spouse.
Mark 3:25 A home filled with strife and division destroys itself. LB
I. WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT CAUSE CONFLICTS AND CAN BREAK THE SPIRIT OF YOUR SPOUSE
1. Your spouse feels he is not being treated as the most important person in your life
Ephesians 5:29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it as Christ does the church. AMP
Ephesians 5:31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. NKJV
Not regarding the spouses feelings and opinions as important.
Not giving attention to his priorites
2. Failure to praise and appreciate her efforts
Proverbs 31:28-31 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
3. Insensitivity in comparing with others
4. Failure to recognize his uniqueness
5. Lack of leadership and drive
6. Impatient in expecting for changes
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7. Inconsistency in disciplining the children
8. Attempts to correct in public
9. Historical about past failures
10. Lack of a thankful heart
II. KEYS TO HEAL STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS
2 Corinthians 5:18 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
A. APPLY MSG Colossians 4:5-6
5 Be wise in the way you act towards those that are different; dont miss but redeem and make the most of every opportunity. 6 Let your words be always full of grace and kind, seasoned with SALT (tasty and interesting), so that you may know how to respond to everyone. JY
1. Maintain room for differences
You do not need to agree in everything.
Col. 3:13,15 Be patient and tolerant with one another, always ready to forgive if you have a difference with anyone ... for you were called to live as one united body, and always be thankful. Philips
Psa 139 14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully [worshipfully, amazingly] and wonderfully [separately, uniquely, distinctly] made.
2. State your differences with grace Rom 14:3 The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him.
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We can disagree without being disagreeable by respecting the differences.
Romans 12:10 Have a profound respect for each other. JB
We show respect by listening
We show respect by not judging their feelings
3. Get over the differences, not get stuck with them
Gen 26:12-30 12 Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the LORD blessed him. 13 The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. 14 He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. 19 Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. 20 But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. 21 Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. 22 He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying, "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."
B. PREPARE THE ATMOSPHERE TO APPLY MSG
1. Choose the right time and place to speak
James 3:17 Wisdom ... is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others ... LB
Set up a regular PEACE CENTER. It is a place in which constant discussions may be held without interruption. If problems arise elsewhere, wait till you reach home to discuss them - at the Peace Center!
Purpose of the Peace Center
It is a place for reconciliation, not resolution.
Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship. Resolution means to resolve every issue. That's not going to happen.
Unity does not mean uniformity.
Ephesians 4:17-32 25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
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Speak the truth in love. If things get too hot, one party can say quietly, Lets continue at another time.
Spend some time praying, thinking or simply do other things and restart the dsicussion at a time when you have peace in your heart.
Not all problems can be solved at one sitting. Circumstances often remain the same, but your feelings can be changed.
2. Put on humility
1 Peter 5:5-8 all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Proverbs 22:4 Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth, honor, and life.
What is humility?
Humility is thinking about other people more than myself.
Proverbs 13:10 10 Pride only breeds quarrels
Prov 18:1-2 18:1 People who do not get along with others are interested only in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right. TEV
3. Begin by talking about your own failures and weaknesses Luke 6:41-42
41 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Am I being too unrealistic, oversensitive, impatient, insensitive, etc.?
4. When you are wrong, admit it; when you are right, forgive
Mt. 5:23-24 If you remember someone has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go at once to make peace... Then come back and offer your gift to God. TEV
Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
i. Do not manipulate by saying: "It's all my fault".
ii. When your spouse admits his faults be ready to forgive
Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
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iii. Even if your spouse didnt admit his faults, take initiative to forgive.
iv. Forgiveness is immediate but trust is earned You are not obligated to instantly trust him unconditionally.
5. Consider your spouses perspective James 4:1 Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. NCV
Galatians 6:7-8 The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others - and ignoring God - harvests a crop of weeds. All hell have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting Gods Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, and eternal life. Mes
Phil 2:4 Look to each other's interest and not merely to your own. NEB
6. Deal with the problem and not attack the person Direct energies towards attacking the problem and not the person.
Do not use abusive words Col. 3:8
You must put away all these things:... furious rage, malice, insults, and shouted abuse! And don't deceive each other with lies anymore. Philips
There are certain words you ought to have off limits in your home, certain phrases, certain terms and certain tools.
Eph. 4:29 "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed ... TEV
i. Do not judge or condemn Use I rather than you. You is condemning. You always, you never
Do not be sarcastic "You may be have brain or money but brain is not everything"
Be transparent but not harsh
Do not make value judgments that's a ridiculous idea ... that's really stupid choice
Rom 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
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ii. Do not Cut in or change the subject
Stay on the subject. State exactly what you are arguing about. Do not bring in matters that are irrelevant or not related. Say: Lets pause for a while and really see what it is the real matter. You start again and I will listen, perhaps