Strengthening Relationship through Relationship through Conflicts ... does the church. AMP Ephesians 5:31 ... Ephesians 4:17-32

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    Kingdom Marriage & Family 8

    Strengthening Relationship through Conflicts

    OUTLINE

    How to deal with anger and how to resolve differences that can add strength to the

    relationship. How to restore strained relationship. How to change your spouse.

    Mark 3:25 A home filled with strife and division destroys itself. LB

    I. WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT CAUSE CONFLICTS AND CAN BREAK THE SPIRIT OF YOUR SPOUSE

    1. Your spouse feels he is not being treated as the most important person in your life

    Ephesians 5:29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it as Christ does the church. AMP

    Ephesians 5:31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. NKJV

    Not regarding the spouses feelings and opinions as important.

    Not giving attention to his priorites

    2. Failure to praise and appreciate her efforts

    Proverbs 31:28-31 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

    3. Insensitivity in comparing with others

    4. Failure to recognize his uniqueness

    5. Lack of leadership and drive

    6. Impatient in expecting for changes

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    7. Inconsistency in disciplining the children

    8. Attempts to correct in public

    9. Historical about past failures

    10. Lack of a thankful heart

    II. KEYS TO HEAL STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS

    2 Corinthians 5:18 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.

    A. APPLY MSG Colossians 4:5-6

    5 Be wise in the way you act towards those that are different; dont miss but redeem and make the most of every opportunity. 6 Let your words be always full of grace and kind, seasoned with SALT (tasty and interesting), so that you may know how to respond to everyone. JY

    1. Maintain room for differences

    You do not need to agree in everything.

    Col. 3:13,15 Be patient and tolerant with one another, always ready to forgive if you have a difference with anyone ... for you were called to live as one united body, and always be thankful. Philips

    Psa 139 14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully [worshipfully, amazingly] and wonderfully [separately, uniquely, distinctly] made.

    2. State your differences with grace Rom 14:3 The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him.

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    We can disagree without being disagreeable by respecting the differences.

    Romans 12:10 Have a profound respect for each other. JB

    We show respect by listening

    We show respect by not judging their feelings

    3. Get over the differences, not get stuck with them

    Gen 26:12-30 12 Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the LORD blessed him. 13 The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. 14 He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. 19 Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. 20 But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. 21 Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. 22 He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying, "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

    B. PREPARE THE ATMOSPHERE TO APPLY MSG

    1. Choose the right time and place to speak

    James 3:17 Wisdom ... is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others ... LB

    Set up a regular PEACE CENTER. It is a place in which constant discussions may be held without interruption. If problems arise elsewhere, wait till you reach home to discuss them - at the Peace Center!

    Purpose of the Peace Center

    It is a place for reconciliation, not resolution.

    Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship. Resolution means to resolve every issue. That's not going to happen.

    Unity does not mean uniformity.

    Ephesians 4:17-32 25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

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    Speak the truth in love. If things get too hot, one party can say quietly, Lets continue at another time.

    Spend some time praying, thinking or simply do other things and restart the dsicussion at a time when you have peace in your heart.

    Not all problems can be solved at one sitting. Circumstances often remain the same, but your feelings can be changed.

    2. Put on humility

    1 Peter 5:5-8 all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

    Proverbs 22:4 Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth, honor, and life.

    What is humility?

    Humility is thinking about other people more than myself.

    Proverbs 13:10 10 Pride only breeds quarrels

    Prov 18:1-2 18:1 People who do not get along with others are interested only in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right. TEV

    3. Begin by talking about your own failures and weaknesses Luke 6:41-42

    41 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

    Am I being too unrealistic, oversensitive, impatient, insensitive, etc.?

    4. When you are wrong, admit it; when you are right, forgive

    Mt. 5:23-24 If you remember someone has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go at once to make peace... Then come back and offer your gift to God. TEV

    Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

    i. Do not manipulate by saying: "It's all my fault".

    ii. When your spouse admits his faults be ready to forgive

    Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

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    iii. Even if your spouse didnt admit his faults, take initiative to forgive.

    iv. Forgiveness is immediate but trust is earned You are not obligated to instantly trust him unconditionally.

    5. Consider your spouses perspective James 4:1 Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. NCV

    Galatians 6:7-8 The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others - and ignoring God - harvests a crop of weeds. All hell have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting Gods Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, and eternal life. Mes

    Phil 2:4 Look to each other's interest and not merely to your own. NEB

    6. Deal with the problem and not attack the person Direct energies towards attacking the problem and not the person.

    Do not use abusive words Col. 3:8

    You must put away all these things:... furious rage, malice, insults, and shouted abuse! And don't deceive each other with lies anymore. Philips

    There are certain words you ought to have off limits in your home, certain phrases, certain terms and certain tools.

    Eph. 4:29 "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed ... TEV

    i. Do not judge or condemn Use I rather than you. You is condemning. You always, you never

    Do not be sarcastic "You may be have brain or money but brain is not everything"

    Be transparent but not harsh

    Do not make value judgments that's a ridiculous idea ... that's really stupid choice

    Rom 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

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    ii. Do not Cut in or change the subject

    Stay on the subject. State exactly what you are arguing about. Do not bring in matters that are irrelevant or not related. Say: Lets pause for a while and really see what it is the real matter. You start again and I will listen, perhaps, I have missed something.

    iii. Do not Control your spouse with your emotion, temper or silence

    John Hagee writes: Women who control their house with their bad moods are practising witchcraft. Jezebel controlled Israel by manipulating Ahab through her moods. I have heard husbands say, If I dont give in to my wife, she will be angry for days. When you give in to that, you only feed it. Day of Deception, p 126

    iv. Do not threaten or demand

    v. Do not generalize

    He who generalizes, generally lies. Avoid such words: never, always, all, etc

    Star, Friday, 9th October 2009 If you want to be a good communicator, do not use the word, "Whatever!"

    It topped a US survey as the most annoying and most irritating word in all regions of the country, for both sexes, for all age groups, educational levels and income bracket!

    Reason: It is often a way to dismiss someone. It is much more annoying than: "You know, anyway, it is what it is, at the end of the day."

    In order to be a good communicator, the key is to always be aware of what you are saying and do a little research about which words are overused. Reuters.

    7. Change your spouse by changing yourself

    Col. 3:19 Husbands give your wives much love; never treat them harshly. Ph

    Eph 5:33 " Let the wife see that she RESPECTS and reverences her husband -- that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. Amp

    Eph 5:33 " Let the wife see that she RESPECTS and reverences her husband -- that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. Amp

    Prov 21 9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. NIV

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    i. Your admiration and praise lift him up to what he can be

    ii. To admire you need to accept him as he is

    iii. Concentrate on changing actions, not attack the character

    III. KEYS TO DEAL WITH ANGER

    A. WRONG WAYS OF DEALING WITH ANGER:

    1. Explode it Manipulate with tears, threat of suicides or divorce.

    2. Ignore or suppress it Smiling when hurting. Over involvement outside of family.

    3. Manipulate with silence Silence is acceptable when: Silence never pays off in the long run.

    How do you overcome such situations? Say: "I do want to know what is causing the hurt but I am waiting till you are more comfortable to talk about it.

    Or "I am sorry something is making you angry. I apologise. What can I do to understand?"

    Then when he does speak, dont focus on defending yourself

    Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

    B. THE BIBLICAL WAYS OF DEALING WITH ANGER

    1. Control it

    Prov 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

    Eph 4:26-27 In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold.

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    i. Realise the cost of uncontrolled anger

    Prov. 17:14 Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

    Prov 29:22 An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

    Proverbs 18:19 An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city,

    Galatians 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another! NKJV

    ii. Reflect before reacting

    James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

    2. Acknowledge my responsibility

    Galatians 6:5 Each person must be responsible for himself. NCV

    James 5:16 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

    3. Change your focus

    i. Focus on His needs and not your needs

    Phil 2:4 Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing. TLB

    ii. Focus on the value of the relationship and not your rights 1 Corinthians 7:3 Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other. MES

    1 Peter 3:5 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. NKJV

    iii. Focus on his good points and not his weaknesses

    Colossians 3:13 You must make allowances for each others faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others. NLT

    iv. Focus on the future and not on the past

    Judges 6:11-12 The angel of the LORD came to where Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. 12 He said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

    Philippians 3:13 But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

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    4. Seek Godly advice

    Proverbs 13:10 "Pride leads to arguments. Be humble take advice and become wise." It is fine to talk to some close godly friends outlets to unload some burdens. But take care:

    Develop rapport with your sponsors. The sponsoring couple need not have a perfect marriage but who are available. They should have attended the Marriage Class.

    They will be the first line of counsel when you have any needs. They would pray with you and remind you of the principles and biblical truths that are taught in class. They may do a better job than the pastor as he may not be able to have the time to deal with many issues that you struggling with all the time.

    It is not compulsory but will be a source of tremendous blessing.

    5. Let His love to flow through you

    2 Thessalonians 3:4 We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command.

    Colossians 3:14 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

    Love is not a feeling but a choice

    Luke 6:27-28 27 "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you.

    1 John 4:19 19 We love because he first loved us.

    Questions for Group Discussion or to Ponder

    1. What are the five most common causes of conflicts that can beak the spirit of your spouse? Discuss

    2. How does differences add strength and balance to the husband and wife relationship?

    3. How do you show respect in the differences?

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    4. How do you prepare the atmosphere to apply the MSG?

    5. What is the right way to apologise?

    6. What is the right way to receive an apology?

    7. What are the abusive and hurting words and ways to avoid?

    8. What are some of the ways we judge and condemn without realizing it?

    9. What are the ways to change our spouse?

    10. What are the focuses we have to change in order to deal with our resentment?

    Joshua Yee, 2009

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