Staff Conference 1/5/08 “In my face…ways to engage with people in difficult situations” Peter Burton

Staff Conference 1/5/08

“In my face…ways to engage with people in difficult situations”

Peter Burton


Giving information

• Meet and greet the other person• Say who you are • Say where you work• What you / your service has to offer /

can do

• Emphasis on the positive• Time allowed 1 minutes each person

Giving information


If we have a commitment to Equality and we value Diversity – it will show in our communication. We will:

• Respect others and value the richness that difference brings

• Recognise that others have different life experiences and see life / the world differently

• Acknowledge that other people legitimately hold different Values and Beliefs

• Take responsibility for ourselves – our intention, our actions and the consequences

• Be prepared to adjust our communications • Not be ‘a bystander’ where there is difference and

conflict


Exercise on conflict- Keep your attention in the present

• We need to ensure that we have as much information as possible when we respond to others

• Who says and does what, where, when, how, (why)?

• Clear non-judgemental observations:

– Clarify the mind– Open connection– Establish shared ground– Help to sift interpretations– Is part of taking responsibility


Noticing:

What is said - and what is not ! (7%)How it is said - and how it is not ! (38%) Body language (55%)

Albert Mehrabian 1960s


CONFLICT RESOLUTION GRID

High

Low High

Your Needs

Their Needs

Compete

Avoid

Collaborate

Compromise

Accommodate


ASSERTION GRID

High

Low High

My Needs

Their Needs

Aggressive Assertive

Passive Passive Aggressive / Manipulative


The Disconnection Model – ways to cause difficult situations

• Blame people• Impose our judgement on people• Label people• Demand things from people• Deny responsibility for our choices / actions• Compare people


Skills for handling situations with confidence

Push Skills Pull Skills

Broken record

Making Requests

Giving information

Rapport

Questioning

Listening

AttendingActing


To aid communication we ‘mirror’ and ‘match’ the other person - using posture, body language, gestures, language, speaking tone and pace, breathing, eye contact

We ‘pace’ to engage the other person

We ‘lead’ to change communication or the emotional state of others

We ‘mismatch’ - to interrupt / end communication

Rapport


Active listening

What can make it difficult for us to listen actively:

• Speed of thought– Most people talk at 125 words while our brains can process

800 words in this time. The brain often searches for some activity to occupy it

• Distractions– Environmental barriers and distractions

• The way the other person speaks– Voice, language, structural challenges

• Our processing– Word triggers, preconceptions, resistance,

• Our interruptions

Listening


• People who really listen reflect upon the content of the message and search for meaning. They suspend judgment while they:

– listen through the words for the central ideas– notice what is not being said– mentally summarise what the person has been saying– consider the evidence presented by the speaker– try to understand the central point of the argument– observe the non-verbal communication of the speaker in

order to get a better understanding of the total message– give signals to show that they are listening

Listening


Question power:

• Questions which promote understanding for the other person

• Have you ever……..• I wonder if you……..• Do you ever think……• Why do you…………………….• How important is…………• How does that fit with…..• What are you thoughts

about……

• Questions which promote understanding for us

• Who………• What……..• When……….• Where…….• How………..

• Why……….

Questioning


Questions types:

Open Closed Leading Probing Multiple Limiting Reflecting back Summarising

Questioning


The 5 R technique

• Reflect– Take time to consider your motives and to choose your

approach• Report

– Say exactly what is happening - be specific and objective• Relate

– Relate the effects of the behavior and the emotional impact on you

• Request– Request in concrete terms what you need to be different

• Results– Spell out the positive consequences of the change being made

Making Requests


Requests

• Requests involve asking others to do / not do something and are strategies to meet our needs

• Requests are more likely to be met if they:

– Are clear / unambiguous

– Are specific

– Offer a choice / indicate flexibility

– Are positive (do’s not don’ts)

– Are do-able

– Are not presented as a demand

Making Requests


language for requests

• I need….• I would like…..• It would help me….• Would you be prepared to…• I want…..• It is important for me to ……• I really find it helpful when….• I enjoy…..• I value…..• I appreciate……..• I feel energised when….• Your own ?

Making Requests


The broken record

Example: In response to stay and work and extra 2 hrs

– I am sorry– I cannot stay late– I have a prior arrangement– I am happy to help you tomorrow

– Repeat these – in any order - until your message sinks in

Broken record


For the curious - some further reading

• Resolving Conflict pocketbook ISBN 1-903776-06-6

• Emotional Intelligence pocketbook ISBN 1-870471-95-4

• What is Transactional Analysis ISBN 1870258-436

• Influencing with Integrity ISBN 1-89983-601-2

• Non Violent Communication M Rosenberg

• Influencing skills Jenny Rogers


Push Skills

Saying no

Making Requests

Giving information

Acting Notes:


Pull Skills

Rapport

Questioning

Listening

AttendingNotes:



What would you say / do?

1. A neighbor calls to ask you to ask you to subscribe to a political magazine2. You arrange to meet a colleague for a meal - they turn up an hour late without

apology3. You are served a cold coffee in a café - there is a big queue at the counter4. The salesman insists that you take out the 10 year warrantee – “if you have any

sense”5. At your party - someone’s partner produces cocaine and starts to share it around6. Your teenager wants to go with college friends to ‘a rave’ in Newcastle7. Someone you loaned money to shows no intention of paying it back8. Your boss wants you to work late again -you hoped for an early evening at home9. Someone in your office smells terribly- you can barely work. They seem unaware 10. Someone in your office keeps comparing you unfavorably with the last person to do

your job11. At the check out someone jumps your queue and the cashier starts to serve them12. A friend keeps speaking on the phone – you want to get on with a job13. A television engineer – still hasn’t returned your set – after two telephone promises


LIFE POSITIONS

I’m OK

You’re not OK

I’m OK

You’re OK

I’m not OK

You’re not OK

I’m not OK You’re OK

E Berne 1972


Group Introductions :

Your name and job / place of work

Complete the following “By the time this workshop ends I would like……………..”

Two surprising things about you, one true and one false


Exercises – Listening and questioning

Documents

Staff Conference 1/5/08 “In my face…ways to engage with people in difficult situations” Peter Burton