Social Graces and Etiquette

SOCIAL GRACES AND ETIQUETTE

INBR 1934/06

11 April 2023 SOCIAL GRACES AND ETIQUETTE-LT CDR S SUNIL

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SCOPE• AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

• MILITARY COURTESIES

• DRESS ETIQUETTE

• MESS ETIQUETTE AND CUSTOMS

• SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• THE FEMALE OFFICER

• MATRIMONY

• EVERYDAY GOOD MANNERS

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN


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• Commissioning– The grant of commission confers the status of an

officer, but you got to work hard at becoming a gentleman.

• Etiquette– They are formal rules of correct and polite

behaviour in society.

– The society expects a different behaviour from the uniformed personnel and we have a duty to live up to the expectations.


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• Courtesy

– Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

– Be nice to the people on your way up, you will meet them again on the way down.

– Adherence to this advice will kill the need for the uncomfortable switch to contrived humility and bonhomie, the day after you have been dined out.


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• Consideration

– For others property and feelings

• Especially a house

• Language

– Slang and swear words do not find favor

– Caution in the presence of ladies, seniors and subordinates


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• Moral obligation

– An officer’s word or signature is a bond-do keep in mind while endorsing a document

– Honesty- “I am honest because I have no reason to be otherwise.”

– Truthfulness and precision- “I do not know sir, I shall find out and apprise you” is better than misinformation, evasive and impulsive reply.


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• Moral obligation– Paying up-you cannot use your service

status to evade financial obligations. Do pay bills in advance if you are going to be out of station when the bill becomes due.

– Lending and borrowing-always frowned upon in services. Do remember to return what you borrow in time and in pristine condition.


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• Good grooming– First impressions are important

– Neat haircut

– Close shave

– Trimmed fingernails

– Subtle aftershave or cologne

• A good naval officer is one who reinforces his personality without becoming a victim to the means themselves.

MILITARY COURTESIES


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Special customary acts and ceremonials which are required and exchanged between members of the armed forces.

• They should be distinctive and precise- not slovenly, grudgingly or perfunctorily


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Salute

– Always acknowledge a salute

– When two or more officers, only the senior most will acknowledge. In case of a common senior passing both will salute

– In a group only the platoon commander salutes

– SLT, LT CDR, conversing, LT joins in. SLT does not salute the LT. The LT salutes the LT CDR, the SLT courteously nod to the LT.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Salute

– Enter an office, do not salute unless it is a formality.

– Salutes not exchanged in public conveyances.

– Timing of the salute is important. The officer being saluted should have the time and space to return the salute.


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MILITARY COURTESIES• Salute

– While marching on a road, keep the right hand free for exchanging salutes.

– It is courtesy to salute a lady. The onus of recognising a lady is that of the officer and an officer never forgets a lady once she is introduced to him.

– When sitting in a senior’s office and an officer senior to you but junior to the occupant of the office enters, just acknowledge, do not jump up.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Headgear– To be worn whenever in uniform and not in

a room.

– Not to be worn in any office unless being marched up.

– To be worn while traveling in vehicles unless directed by the senior most

– Do not tuck beret into the waistband.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Correspondence

– One is to be punctilious with personal correspondence

– Dear CNS, Dear Admiral, Dear FOMA is correct, my dear Chief is not.

– DO letters end with “yours faithfully” or “yours sincerely”.

– Do not use “my dear captain sir” and end with “I remain sir”


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Correspondence

– Green ink for the senior most Flag Officer in station, other Flag Officers use blue, black or red.

– CNS uses red. Heads of organisations traditionally use red.

– All others to use blue only.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Addressing

– Lt General and Major General is General, Vice Admiral and Rear Admiral is Admiral

– Lt Col is Colonel, a Lt Cdr is nor Commander.

– Do not use nicknames for senior officers. Vice Admiral Bharathan is Barry only for his seniors and peers, not for you.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Addressing

– Senior officers not to be addressed in third person

– There is no XO sir, CO sir, Sunil sir. Only the rank and name

– Ladies to be addressed as Mrs Singh and not as Maam. Do not call ladies by their first names.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Addressing

– While referring to the husband- can I speak to the Cmde, is he at home? Rather than can I speak to sir, is sir at home?

– It is Mrs Pisharody and not Mrs CO.

– Limit the use of Jai Hind as a replacement for all greetings.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Boats, cars, lifts and aircrafts

– Boat or aircraft-junior officer embarks first and disembarks last.

– Car or lift-senior officer enters first, junior follows.

– In cars senior officer to the left, junior behind the driver. In case of three in the back the junior most sits in the middle.


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MILITARY COURTESIES• Calls and calling

– Official-by all officers on their superiors at the first opportunity.

– Social-made along with lady, with prior appointment, no gift, a small bouquet will do.

– It is primarily the wife on whom one calls.

– Social calls are to be returned within two weeks.

– Calls normally between 1900-2000. If not insisted upon for dinner leave by 2000 hrs.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Calls and calling

– Do not jump to depart if another callers comes in.

– Calls of condolence to be brief.


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MILITARY COURTESIES

• Senior officer’s directions

– A senior officer saying “ I like” or “I desire” is an order for you.

– If there is any delay apprise him, so that he may allow more time or modify the directives. Do not keep him hanging.

• Helping Hands-It is servile to carry suitcase, pour tea etc. it is the job of a steward. Nominate one.


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MILITARY COURTESIES• Informality

– The extent of informality should be dictated by the senior. Off duty informality should not extend into the next working day.

• Visitors book-need not wait till the end, especially after a couple of cocktails

• Photography- the photographer should be properly briefed so that the senior officer does not have to re-enact the presentation ceremony.

DRESS ETIQUETTE


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DRESS ETIQUETTE

• Always dress up smartly

• Incorrect ironing of trouser pleats and two vertical folds visible when folded shirts are worn are common mistakes.

• Select clothes that can be worn without a feeling of self consciousness.


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DRESS ETIQUETTE

• One should possess all uniforms

• No ornament except a wedding band, one kara in case of Sikhs. No thatha in public for Sikhs.

• Do not sling bags over the stripes.

• No uniforms in restaurants, public places, no half measures like a jacket over white trousers.


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DRESS ETIQUETTE

• Shirt pockets are to be empty. Mobiles in hand over trouser. For God’s sake not in pouches attached to the uniform.

• All buttons,badges etc to be shining and clean.

• Polished shoes and clean good elastic socks without any design on them.


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DRESS ETIQUETTE

• The uniform cap is a ‘Peaked Cap’ not peak cap. The portion covering the eyes is the visor and not the peak.

• A sea cap is to be used afloat only, not a substitute for a beret or a peaked cap.

• Treat a cap with the same courtesy you would extend to yourself.

MESS ETIQUETTE AND CUSTOMS


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• The Officer’s Mess

– It is an institution with customs and etiquettes observed for fostering pride in the service.

– Single officers are not to equate the mess with the home of the married officers


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• Mess Night

– Guest night-specific guests are invited

– Ladies night-ladies are also present

– Look at the seating plan and meet the guests or ladies who are to sit adjacent to you and escort them to their seats.

– On entering the dining hall stand formally behind your chairs till the senior officer present enters and seats himself.


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• Mess Night

– Officers commence eating only after everyone else has been served. Water wine and other drinks are passed clockwise.

– Take cues about commencing and stopping to eat from the President.

– Bread when served should be kept on the table and not the side plate.


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• Mess Night-drinking toasts– Toast to the President is drunk standing, all others

seated.

– Once the decanter is placed in front of the PMC, he removes the stopper and passes the decanter to the left without lifting it off the table.

– Once all the glasses have been filled, the stopper is placed back on the decanter by the PMC.

– The PMC taps the table thrice with the mallet and stands up lifting the glass to chest level.


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• Mess Night-drinking toasts– All other officers are to continue sitting.

– The PMC says ‘Mr Vice-The President’ and lowers the glass to the waist level.

– Upon this all stand and hold the glasses at waist level. The band plays the national anthem. When the band has finished playing the Vice President says ‘gentlemen the President’ or ‘ladies and gentlemen- the President’

– All present raise their glasses and repeat- ‘the President’ and drink the toast.


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• A few tips on wardroom etiquette

– Dress suitably on all occasions.

– Show respect to seniors without being servile.

– Make visitors to the mess comfortable.

– Pets are forbidden.

– A guest is never invited to dine without seeking the PMC’s permission.

– Treat stewards and cooks with courtesy.


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• A few tips on table manners– Take your seat with minimum clatter.

– Do not tuck in the napkins. Do not wipe your face , hands, crockery with it.

– Do not rest elbows on the table.

– Food is brought to the mouth and not vice versa.

– A used piece of cutlery is not put into any dish that is meant for everyone.

– Do not eat with your mouth open, nothing is more disgusting.


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• A few tips on table manners

– Slip the spoon away from you while drinking soup.

– If you find a foreign object, leave the food without much fuss.

SOCIAL FUNCTIONS


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS• Invitations

– Formal invitation is an implicit order to attend

– Informal invitation is extended after ascertaining availability and prior notice, in either case it is an order for the subordinate from the superior.

– Invitations should be acknowledged promptly to enable the host to make necessary arrangements.

– When inviting a Flag Officer to an official function it is customary to extend the invitation to his Flag Lt also.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS• Invitations

– The decorations of the invitee are not inserted on the invitation card but indicated only on the envelope, which is always addressed to the officer concerned, even though his spouse may also be invited.

– The invitation must have the date, time and venue of the function, the dress and details of the function itself and the appointment and telephone number of the officer who is coordinating the arrangements.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Invitations– RSVP-French- ‘Respondez S’il Vous Plait’

indicate that an answer is required. RSVP-Regrets only means that the invitee needs to confirm only if he is not going to attend.

– In formal functions, children do not find a place. In informal functions the invitation should specify if the guests could get their children along or not.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Introductions

– The purpose of a correct introduction is to create an immediate friendliness among people who have met for the first time.

– Correct form on most occasions is “Mrs Joshi, may I introduce Lt Arvind to you. Like you he is also from Wakarewarewa.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Introductions

– Precedence of introductions

• Gentlemen to a lady

• Unmarried lady to a married lady, unless her official position is higher than the husband of the married.

• Younger man to older

• Junior to senior

• Bachelors to married men


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Introductions

– Customary to say “How do you do?”

– Correct reply is “How do you do?” and not “I am fine thank you.”


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Drinking

– There is no custom that an officer must be a heavy drinker

– Drink in moderation, else you become the laughing stock of gatherings

– Do not ask for a second drink. Accept only if the host offers.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Smoking

– Improper

• While saluting or returning a salute

• While driving, walking or marching

• While in presence of ladies

• In air conditioned spaces.

– Carrying cigarette packet and matchbox in front pocket and trouser pocket is not done. Do it in the briefcase.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Interaction with sailors

– What is the acceptable level of informal familiarity which an officer can maintain with his sailors.

– Can a serving sailor who is the father of a commissioned officer be invited to the wardroom?

– The key word is serving. The privilege of dining in the wardroom is extendable to the guest if he is not serving in the armed forces in a subordinate position.


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SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

• Interaction with sailors

– What about inviting sailors to one’s residence and accepting or rejecting a reciprocal invitation.

– See that the ethos of the officer core is not tarnished.

THE FEMALE OFFICER


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THE FEMALE OFFICER

• Induction of women as officers is a simple acknowledgement of their constitutional rights.

• Etiquettes by and towards lady officers are to be in conformation with their rank and status.

• In an uniformed service the gender of an individual does not make a difference.


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THE FEMALE OFFICER

• While military courtesies and uniform regulations are the similar for both certain concessions are made to ensure that the distinctive identity of the lady is not lost

• Hairstyle-neatly groomed and does extend below the upper edge of the shirt collar.


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THE FEMALE OFFICER

• Jewellery and accessories-not to be visible through uniform. Only one wedding ring, one bangle on the left wrist, small studs in the ears and a small nose pin may be worn.

• Make up-conservatively, no false eyelashes, heavy eyeliner, eye shadow,colored nail polish and excessive facial make up. Only transparent lipstick to be worn.


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THE FEMALE OFFICER

• Dresses for social functions– Formal-sarees/formal western dress/salwar

suits.

– Informal-same as formal

– Casual-any sober dress

– Do not dress provocatively

– Ensure body language is not open to misinterpretation.

MATRIMONY


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MATRIMONY• Marriage is a lifetime partnership.

• Do not rush into it. Officers are not permitted to marry when they are under training and are not entitled to accommodation below the age of 25.

• Even though it is a partnership the official service business is the service person’s concern. “When we were in command is not appropriate.”


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MATRIMONY

• It is essential to brief ones spouse about service customs and etiquettes. The spouse could be from a civilian background or even a service background.

• Discussing official matters with the spouse is dangerous and has the potential to create havoc.


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MATRIMONY

• A lady always introduces herself as “I am Mrs Singh, my husband is Cdr S Singh, DD of CLABS” and not “ I am Mrs Cdr S Singh.”

• Sailors and their wives must be treated with the same courtesy as expected of them.


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MATRIMONY

• Care must be taken choose appropriate attire for various occasions. Short skirts, T-shirts and jeans are still frowned upon.

• The lady must accompany her husband when calling on. This is a formal occasion and children do not accompany.


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MATRIMONY

• Young ladies need not address senior officers as Sir. They may use just the rank or the rank followed by the name. Eg Admiral Sushil or Admiral.

• They should address senior ladies as Mrs Pisharody, not Mrs CO, not Mrs Cmde Pisharody, not Maam or Didi.


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MATRIMONY

• Rising for elders-whilst a lady is not obliged to rise it would be in great taste to respect elders.

• While the lady does not have the responsibilities of her husband’s commission it is unethical to demand privileges of his rank.


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MATRIMONY

• Children in wardroom- the mess has its own sanctity, children ought to be kept under control and not allowed to scream and treat the place like a playground.

• Hosting a party-draw up the guest list in advance. See that no one is out of place. A cocktail party should normally last about an hour and a half.


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MATRIMONY• Drinking and dining-ascertain culinary preference

in advance.if it is a sit down dinner keep a space between ladies so that men can join in and the conversation is a mix between shop and shopping.

• The service officer is the soul of hospitality and an unexpected guest is is hardly uncommon. The lady of the house must not be alarmed or upset. The guest does not expect a fancy meal. A welcome attitude is more important than the actual number of dishes on the table.


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MATRIMONY• The wife has as much responsibility as the

officer to uphold the dignity of the country and the service.

• When the officer hangs up his boots it is the relationships that one nourishes which bail you out of loneliness. The young wife who was helped or the young officer who was hosted for dinner on many a rainy day would all come back and make the lady feel at home.


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MATRIMONY• The wife has as much responsibility as the

officer to uphold the dignity of the country and the service.

• When the officer hangs up his boots it is the relationships that one nourishes which bail you out of loneliness. The young wife who was helped or the young officer who was hosted for dinner on many a rainy day would all come back and make the lady feel at home.

EVERYDAY GOOD MANNERS


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• Time Management

– Being punctual is a habit to be acquired early in life.

– Being busy is not an acceptable excuse.

– Always be on time for all official functions and arrive before the senior officers and other VIPs.

– It is impolite to be more than 10 mins late for a personal party, it is also impolite to be ahead of time as you might catch the guest unprepared.


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• Time Management– When you are late apologise to the host and

hostess and take your place.

• Departure– Never depart before senior officers, whether at

formal or informal occassions

– Stay for an hour when calling on a senior officer

– Avoid dawdling at the host’s doorstep when it is time to leave, just leave.


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• Handshake

– Senior always makes the first move. Always take a proffered hand, do not proffer if your hands are dirty.

– Let the lady make the first move to shake. She shakes your hand and not vice versa. Do not hold for more than required. Do not pump her hand.


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• Order of precedence

– From a car the officer alights first and holds the door for the lady. From a bus , boat, train or aircraft the lady alights first.

– At a ship’s gangway the lady precedes. In social functions lady precedes except formal receptions where title takes precedence.


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• Telephone manners

– Be courteous while answering calls, don’t just say ‘Hello’, say good morning, Lt Sam speaking.

– The junior always come on line first. Hang up only after the senior has hung up

– Don’t call up and say ‘guess who’s is calling.

Documents

Social Graces and Etiquette