Resilience and Relationships Creating an environment to thrive not just survive

Nicola Arnold PCC, CPCC

Passport to

resilience

Nicola Arnold PCC, CPCC

“Here is Edward Bear coming downstairs now,

bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind

Christopher Robin.

It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming

downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there

really is another way…if only he could stop bumping

for a moment and think of it!”

A. A. Milne - The opening paragraph of Winnie-the-Pooh

©NArnold 2018

What is

resilience

EXPLORING: Lessons from the latest science …

DID YOU KNOW: Happiness brings huge benefits

Half as likely to catch the cold virusCohen et al. (2006)

50% lower risk of cardiovascular eventBoehm and Kubzansky (2012)

12% more productive at workOswald et al. (2014)

Faster and more accurate diagnosesEstrada et al. (1997)

More pro-social behaviourAknin et al. (2013)

Less likely to have road accidentsGoudie et al. (2012)

©NArnold 2018

©NArnold 2018

“You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”Jon Kabat-Zinn

Increasing productivity

• Fine tune your senses: listen more attentively / notice the colours around you

• Increase your capacity to focus and prioritise?

Strengthening relationships

• By engaging our senses we are able to articulate more what’s going on for us, which improves relationships as we communicate more effectively

Problem solving

• Even a minute at a time can help create space and release tension so that we

can see the experience from a different perspective.

• We get to then step back, see the truth and

reality of the situation and even name and tame

what’s going on.

©NArnold 2018

©NArnold 2018

What’s the truth in that??

©NArnold 2018

The hand

brain

Managing the mind chatter

‘Sometimes you have to tell the negative committee that meets

inside your head to just sit

down and shut up’

©NArnold 2018

“I don’t have to chase

extraordinary moments to find

happiness – it’s right in front

of me if I’m paying attention

and practising gratitude”

Brené Brown

©NArnold 2018

Jars

Wow wall

Journal

Community Phone©NArnold 2018

Values accountability

adventure

challenge

choice

communication

community

control

curiosity

creativity

determination

family

freedom

friendship

fulfilment

fun©NArnold 2018

happiness

health

honesty

humour

independence

integrity

joy

leadership

learning

love

money

motivation

music

nature

organisation

perfection

play

positivity

professionalism

relationships

respect

safety

security

self-awareness

self-development

time management

trust

well being

work ethic

work-life balance

Joy in work: What matters?

• What makes a good day for you?

• What makes you proud to work here?

• I know I make a difference when…

• When you are at your best, what does that look like?

The pebbles in your shoes

• What gets in the way of what matters? The pebble

in my shoe is…

• What gets in the way of a good day is…

• What frustrates me in my day is…

How can you

build your

resilience?

Benefits of building resilience • Emotional awareness and regulation

• Reduce the risk of making impulsive decisions

• Optimistic people are happier, healthier and more productive

• Flexible thinking: consider different perspectives

• Belief that you are accountable for the choices and decisions you make

• Increase your confidence

• Play to your strengths

• Connection: strengthen relationships - patience, empathy

• Ask for help

• Take on new challenges and learn from experience

“Having the confidence and knowing how to master what life

throws in your path, self esteem will follow”Reivich, 2002

©NArnold 2018

©NArnold 2018

Break

15 mins

Interactions and Relationships Moving from conflict to collaboration

Learning outcomes

• Consider how our feelings, emotions and behaviours impact on positive working relationships

• List the five key elements associated with understanding our emotions and how they can support moving from conflict to collaboration

• Self-assess your own qualities and values in building relationships and teams against the ‘engaging the team ’ (for managers) or ‘leading with care’ (for non-managers) NHS Health care Leadership Model dimension

©NArnold 2018

©NArnold 2018

The five key elements of Emotional

Intelligence

• Self-awareness

• Self-regulation

• Motivation

• Empathy

• Social skills

©NArnold 2018

Words Tonality

Body language Gestures

What we see

©NArnold 2018

WordsTonality

Body language Gestures

Values

Beliefs

Biases Prejudices

Experiences

Fears

Dreams

Feelings

Learnt behaviours to

certain situations

Self-regulationDo I sometimes tell others

how to solve their problem?

Do I believe I can’t say no to a request for help

Do I focus on my problems?

Do I sometimes speak with a

bossy or dominating

manner?

Do I perceive others as

incapable of making their

own decisions?

Feel you never have any luck

and everything bad happens

to you

Do I blame others? Do I perceive others as

needing to be fixed?

Do I blame others for my

circumstances?

Do I see others as

powerless?

Do I regularly feel the need

to save someone or rescue

the situation?

Do I feel hopeless and

unable to cope or make

positive changes?

Do I criticise others? Do I believe my life is one

problem after another?

DRAMA

TRIANGLE

RescuerPersecutor

VictimCoach

Creator

Challenger

Dominates, Blames,

Puts down, dissatisfied

with others

Power

“I’m Right”“It’s all your fault”

“My team are terrible”“ I am better than you”

“You poor ...”

Acceptance

“I’m Good”“I’m nice”

“Let me help you”

Safe

“I’m Blameless”“I can’t do it. I need help”

Focuses on others

Very busy

Fears not being needed

I am nice. Likes hero’s welcomeI will fix you

Keeps victim oppressed

Fosters dependency

“Poor you”

Powerless, Helpless, Dreams denied/Thwarted

Avoids learning to take responsibility

“Poor Me”

Problem Solver, empower

Stronger, more able than they think

“I can do it”Outcome focused

“How will you do it”Supports, assists desired

outcome, gets curious

“You can do it”“What can we learn from this

situation”Builds others up,

Encourages learning & growth,

Transfers confidence

Stop The DramaStephen Karpman

THE

EMPOWERMENT

DYNAMIC

Be the change

you want in the

conversation

©NArnold 2018

Persecutor Rescuer Victim

Do I sometimes tell others

how to solve their problem?

Do I believe I can’t say no to a request for help

Do I focus on my problems?

Do I sometimes speak with

a bossy or dominating

manner?

Do I perceive others as

incapable of making their

own decisions?

Feel you never have any

luck and everything bad

happens to you

Do I blame others? Do I perceive others as

needing to be fixed?

Do I blame others for my

circumstances?

Do I see others as

powerless?

Do I regularly feel the need

to save someone or rescue

the situation?

Do I feel hopeless and

unable to cope or make

positive changes?

Do I criticise others? Do I believe my life is one

problem after another?

Motivation

• Check in with your values – are they aligned?

• Perfectionism vs striving for excellence

• Understand your role and how it fits into the

wider organisation

• Positive mindset

• Working together (trust values)

• Power pose

Empathy

• “Me too” • Tissue rescuing

Empathy fuels connection

Sympathy drives disconnection

Social skills

• Challenging conversations

• React vs respond

• Filtering the messages

©NArnold 2018

FILTERS

FILTERS

DELETE

GENERALISE

DISTORT

REALITY

Do you react or respond?

©NArnold 2018

Thomas-Kilmann model

Competing Collaborating

Compromising

AccommodatingAvoiding

Ass

ert

ive

ne

ss

Co-operativeness

©NArnold 2018

How to engage in conversation

Learn to dive into these tough talks by reframing your

thoughts

Begin from a place of curiosity and respect own

behaviour, not that of others

Lean into the conversation with an open attitude and a

genuine desire to learn

Focus on what you’re hearing, not what you’re saying

Focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will

create

Self regard

Re

ga

rd f

or

oth

ers

I’m not ok I’m ok

You’

re o

k

Submissive Ideal

Self-critical Value self and others

Passive and lack confidence Feel confident and competent

Over-trusting and dependent Authentic and open to change

I lose – You win I win – You win

You’

re n

ot

ok

Blocked potential Critical

Feeling hopeless and stuck Blaming others

Give up and withdraw Aggressive and arrogant

Inflexible and rigid Mistrusting and too independent

I lose – You Lose I win – You lose

How does EI affect our approach in conversations?

©NArnold 2018

Please take your promise and

peg it onto the accountability

wall

Stay in touch!

www.enkindlelifecoaching.com

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