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Parenting With Helpful Boundaries

Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

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Page 1: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Parenting With Helpful Boundaries

Page 2: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Boundaries

Page 3: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries define us. They define what is you and what isn’t you

They show you where you begin and where you end. You need to know what falls within your boundary and what doesn’t.

Any confusions of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem with boundaries

Page 4: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Just as homeowners set physical boundary lines around their land ….we need to set mental, physical, emotional boundaries for our lives.

This helps us distinguish between what is ours and what belongs to someone else.

Page 5: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Different Types of Boundaries

• Skin – protects your blood and bones , keeps germs outside, protecting you from infection

• Geographical distance – physically removing yourself from the situation can allow a clear boundary to be established

• Time – Time guidelines can set a clear boundary• Emotional distance – This is a temporary boundary to

give ones heart the space it needs. It is never meant to be used over a long period.

• Other people –You may need other people to help you set and maintain boundaries (eg. police, partner, teacher)

Page 6: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

•Words – you can maintain clear boundaries with the words that leave your mouth

•Truth – this is a defined and powerful boundary that needs to reflect truth rather than opinion or words fed by emotions

•Consequences – if someone breaks your boundary then you respond with a boundary that bears a logical or natural consequence

Dominant Focus Today -Boundaries

Page 7: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 8: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Setting clear personal boundaries is critical to ensuring you have relationships where you feel respected, supported, and cared for.

Being able to create consistent boundaries shows you have a healthy level of self esteem.

Page 9: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

When you feel angry, resentful or start tocomplain about other people’s behaviourtowards you this is usually a sign that it istime to reset your boundaries to ensure youare not feeling too vulnerable, taken forgranted, or on the opposite end totallyclosed down and isolated from everyone.

Page 10: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 11: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 12: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Limited or non-existent boundaries arewhen you never feel confident enough tospeak up for yourself, you may let others putyou down and so you also choose do whateveryone else wants to do. This can includeputting yourself or others at risk and puttingyour needs last.

Page 13: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Loose or porous boundaries are whenyou are a little unsure of yourself andwhat you need even though inside youget a feeling of what’s important. Eventhough you may not want to dosomething you are very easily swayed tofollow others, even if it goes against whatyou believe is right.

Page 14: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Rigid “A Wall” boundaries are when youhave a very tough time letting people in andare not open to listening to others ideas orbeliefs because you are right and so you onlywant to do what you choose to do. Oftenwith these boundaries we can feel very angryor frustrated if someone tries to offeranother way or solution. These toughboundaries are often a protection to preventus from getting hurt.

Page 15: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Based on past experiences and the beliefs we hold inside there can be a wide variety of un-healthy boundaries we might be sitting within or accepting!

Page 16: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

What Lives Inside Your Boundary?Beliefs & Values

Feelings

Attitudes Behaviours

Choices

Thoughts

Talents

Cultural Diversity

Desires

Love

Page 17: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

How do you see yourself as a parent?

This can shape the way you speak, think and act.

Page 18: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Boundary Construction • Developing the ability to be emotionally attached

to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart

• Developing the ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss of love

• Developing the ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally

Page 19: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 20: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 21: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Why can setting boundaries be hard?

• Fear of hurting the other’s feelings

• Fear of abandonment and isolation

• A wish to be totally dependant on each other –co-dependent

• Fear of someone else’s anger

• Fear of punishment

• Fear of being shamed

• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish

• Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience (guilt)

Page 22: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Life was not meant to be like this!

Page 23: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Nor like this!

Page 24: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Dysfunctional boundaries suck the life out of you!

Page 25: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Healthy Boundaries

Page 26: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Parenting with Boundaries “All of us like to set up boundaries, but we don’t

like to hear other people’s boundaries.”

Our children are no different to this scenario so we must make sure the boundaries that we are establishing are purposeful, appropriate and produce functional outcomes.

We are wanting to teach children to become self-managed, responsible and effective communicators.

Page 27: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

We endeavour to bring our children up to be loving and functional adults that passionately live their lives, which invariably equates to reaching their full potential.

One aspect of a child’s character that parents should endeavour to harness, develop and strengthen is their ability to adhere to and set appropriate and functional boundaries.

Page 28: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need
Page 29: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

There are three ways you can influence your kids to develop boundaries; teaching, modelling and helping your child to

internalise.

Teaching is an explicit method to articulate boundaries one should have and respect.

Modelling is a very influential method because it is how we ourselves set and respect boundaries and this speaks volumes to a child.

Assisting children with internalising boundaries is paramount to seeing real outcomes.

This is done by explicitly teaching and authentically modelling boundaries for the child and then praising and reflecting on when a child has respected and demonstrated effective boundaries.

Page 30: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Please remember that parents are not perfect and will not always

model or teach an appropriate boundary, however one can turn this

into a strength by articulating this.

I often will talk with my children about an issue I had during the day

with an individual (eliminating names and/or sensitive and personal

details) and how I allowed their dysfunctional boundaries to blur my

boundary lines and consequently reacted in the wrong manner.

Then I discuss how I am going to restore the situation and what I

will do in future. I talk to them about how it made me feel at the

time and that this is a way of identifying when someone is

operating from a dysfunctional boundary.

This conversation not only reminds our children that we are all

learning in life and also instils tools for them to access when they

encounter a similar situation.

Page 31: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

As we are the key role models for our children, we as parents need to consider our own boundaries and whether they are dominantly functional.

It is important that you learn to interpret your child’s behaviour as a response to your own boundaries as well as in terms of their motives, needs, personality, and circumstances.

This often requires a mind shift on the parents side as dominantly one interprets a child’s behaviour as solely the child’s responsibility.

Page 32: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

1. Are your boundaries set from logical foundations and truths or are they formed because of your personality bent, fears, childhood experiences etc?

Sometimes as adults we can so easily disassociate ourbehaviour from a child’s because we have grown up, yet manytimes our behaviour can still be child-like due to experiencesand learnt coping strategies (eg. Being an ostrich and hidingfrom confrontation).

Likewise, we can proclaim to be adults with the validity ofbeing grown up, yet we forget how it was when we wereyoung and how big and confusing the world seemed.

It is imperative to always have a heart, perspective and insightinto the world of the individual that you are parenting.

Page 33: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

2. Which of your boundaries are non-negotiable (values and beliefs) and negotiable (personal choices)?

If it is a warstopper in your world and you can justify it, then hold onto it because we all have different needs, cultural perspectives and in essence these can define us as individuals.

However, if a boundary is just a bone that you are chewing and you can’t attribute a functional purpose or reasoning behind it then evaluate why and if it is really needed.

Page 34: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

3. Are your boundaries blurred?

When we see that there is not a clear definition of one person to another there can be co-dependant issues.

This is often noted when one does and/or says something and the other person’s pendulum is swung immediately to that person’s position.

Page 35: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Boundary Language “Bell can you please pick up your clothes in the bathroom and put them in the wash basket”

“Really? (sigh)” …….

“Mum can I please watch TV?”

“You can watch TV once you have picked up your clothes”

“Oh!! That is totally unfair … why should I have to??”

“Bella I can see that having to pick up your clothes is upsetting you, however it needs to be done before you watch TV”

Page 36: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Keep tone calm and only increase in a controlled and an appropriate/measured manner

Maintain an effective proximity (space between you and your child)

Use hand signals to support their hearing and your message

Use hand signals as non-verbal reminders

Keep posture and facial expressions in line with words and intent

Boundary Body Language

Page 37: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Take the time to talk about boundaries and expectations with children often.

Reflect as a family about day-to-day activities and what boundaries are needed to help everyone live in harmony.

Talk about physical safety and why safety measures exist and how hurting others is not acceptable.

Talk about emotional safety and why respect and kindness matters.

How can we set and honour boundaries in a positive way?

http://www.positiveparentingconnection.net

Page 38: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Boundaries or limits will often vary from family to family but when we set boundaries, it’s important to think about how those boundaries will protect or affect feelings, behaviours, thoughts and physical safety.

Boundaries are supposed to provide security and guidance, not to make a child feel locked in and controlled.

Page 39: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Explain that sometimes boundaries at home and boundaries in other families/outside of home may be different.

Think about what boundaries or limits are non-negotiable (for many families these are harming others and purposely damaging property)

Do not be afraid to say no when it’s necessary. Saying yes is important, but as parents we cannot give, give, give and bend the earth.

Page 40: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Set and honour your own healthy boundaries for rest, sleep, time to relax and regroup. If you continually feel overwhelmed, then you may find it difficult to parent in a positive way.

Respect your child’s innate boundaries by not forcing your child to do things when they are not yet ready or comfortable (eg. don’t force them to kiss relatives)

Page 41: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Remember to stay flexible.

Boundaries over the years and sometimes even just weeks will need to be expanded as the child grows and is ready to experience more responsibility.

Keep the promises you make.

Children CAN deal with disappointment and with limits if they are presented with kindness, empathy and compassion.

Page 42: Parenting With Helpful Boundaries · What are Boundaries? Boundaries define us.They define what is you and what isnt you They show you where you begin and where you end. You need

Effective Boundaries Leads into ‘The Heart of the

Matter’

• This forum will dominantly focus on supporting parents to manage changes in behaviour with their preadolescent and adolescent children who have generally exhibited appropriate behaviour in the past.