My Awakening / Sweet Sins

8/9/2019 My Awakening / Sweet Sins

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LAURA BAILEY – TOTTON COLLEGE SSC09/10

ENTRY ONE – M Y AWAKENING

It was the first time everything really made sense. The past several months

had been so difficult. I went through so much shit, which I believed I hadcaused. I liked girls. It’s not that I didn’t like boys anymore. I did. I just likedone particular girl right now. Denying it felt so stupid. There was no way that Icould doubt it.She made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I hadn’t felt like thatfor quite some time. I hadn’t felt like that since I had him. He didn’t want meanymore. She didn’t know it, but she wanted me. Surely she didn’t love me.Not then. Not as anything more than a friend. She was always enthusiasticabout the fact that our relationship could only ever be non-sexual.I need her. She doesn’t know it, but I do. I listen to her every word. I laugh ather every joke. She doesn’t know it, but I look at her. I gaze at her, even whenshe doesn’t gaze back. Every time I’ve had a problem, she’s been there for me.That day when she brought her drawing to school, that moment was one of the best in my life. It was a simple drawing. A cartoon female bird and acartoon male bird falling in love with her. The love was symbolised by littlefloating hearts. The female bird was named Erin. That’s what pleased me. Itwas the fact that she had thought of love and I simultaneously.It was just in knowing that secretly, she relates me with one of the strongestemotions known to man. It made me feel so special. I knew that it wasn’t her intention. The fact was that she made this drawing, and it was for me to keep.

Sometimes, on bad days, I stare at the picture, to remind me of her.Sometimes, I sleep with it under my pillow. I want to dream about her. Shemakes all of my problems dissolve. Sometimes, I wish I could die in thatsleep, so that I could be with her. Be with her forever, if only in my dreams.

It's the finally the official last day of secondary school, and the next time we'lldefinitely see each other is going to be on results day. Even then, there's achance we could miss each other. We're going to the same college, so I havebeen contemplating whether to tell her or not. If our classes are the same,things could be awkward.I finally decide that she needs to know. It's not fair that four of my friends do,

when she is the closest to me. Besides, after the way I've been acting lately,it's pretty much obvious by now. Requesting too many hugs, all of them just alittle too tight, a little too long. Writing a poem in her leaver's book. Giving her a compilation CD. Now I've become the perfectly pathetic cliché.We're both at the party. I'm in the middle of the quad, with my jacket in myarms, sat down, waiting to get confirmation from my friend - I need to be surethat we're definitely leaving early. I can't tell her and then still hang around. Ican't bare that discomfort.Okay, we're definitely leaving now. I let my friend know that I need to dosomething before we leave. She insists on knowing details, but I manage tokeep it vague.



I walk over to her; she's surrounded by her friends. I tap her gently on her arm. She looks up, smiles. I make a gesture with my head. And she looks as if she already knows what's going to happen.She continues to look at me. "I need to talk to you..." There's a small quiver inmy voice. She stands up and walks towards me. I guide her towards an empty

space. Why the hell didn't I think of what I was going to say!?! My mind goesblank. I try to begin to talk, but my mouth is open, dry and silent.Finally, I decide to begin. "Well, umm... You know how I'm bi..?" She looks atme expectantly. "It's because of you." My eyes are tearing. I didn't think thiswould be so emotional. I couldn't wait for her response, even though I knewit'd be rejection.A smile spreads across her face. My heart beats fast. "I'm flattered." She hada hint of excitement in her voice. A tear falls down my face, possibly from joy.I let out a stuttered breath.She moves in closer. Her arms wrap around my waist and I hug her back.This hug was different from the others. It made my body tingle. My chest

became tight. She whispered in my ear. "I feel the same, Erin."I was in another world. I couldn't believe it. I moved back slowly, so that wewere looking into each others eyes. We are so close that I can feel her breathgently on my face. She can probably feel mine too. I quickly look at her lips,then back into her eyes. She leans in and kisses me sweetly.Our eyes are closed and the noise around us turns to silence in our kiss. Our lips are pressed firmly together. She’s softly sucking my lower lip as I suck onher upper lip. Our mouths part slightly and the warmth of her tongue followsthe wandering of our hands. I’m now very lightly stroking the back of her neck.She shows me that this is pleasant by making a quiet satisfied moan.I open my eyes, after this perfect kiss, to notice that we are being watched byalmost everyone. I panic; she might not want others to see her like this. I pullmy lips away from hers and rest my forehead on hers. "People are staring."My voice is so low, it's almost a whisper."Let them stare." We both smile and I move my hands to support her head asshe wraps her arms around my neck. We share another passionate kiss.

She knows that I need her. That’s why she’s staying. I can still smell her scenton my skin. She smells so sweet and enticing. I can feel her delight. I hold her in my arms, her head to my chest.She looks up. Her eyes are so green, so magnetic. Her hand lifts to my face.

She strokes my cheek. She moves in closer. I close my eyes as her lipspursue mine.Our hands rest on each others’ bodies. Mine on her waist, hers are on holdingonto my hips. Our bodies come nearer, our lips open slightly. I can feel her tongue moving inside my mouth. I move my hands up and down her back,trying to stimulate as much of her body as I possibly can while fulfilling mytaste for flesh. She slides her hand up my shirt, making my muscles contractwith exhilaration.All I can think about is how we are so in love, and how tender her touch is. Westop. We stare into each others eyes. I can’t help but have my eyes wander over her gentle features.



We smile as she unbuttons my shirt. I feel a warm breath on my chest. I pullher shirt off, over her head. Her raven hair flows steadily onto her beautiful,sensitive breasts.She leans in, whispers. I enter a trance-like state. She moves her hand up myskirt and rests it on my upper thigh. We share another kiss, she tastes so

sweet. Somehow, she had suddenly become naked without me noticing.My heart began to race. Now I’m naked too. We hold each other, ignoring thebeliefs that prevent our bodies from completely intertwining.This is a significant moment for us. We’d both had sex before, but that waswith guys. Besides, this wasn’t just sex. We were about to make love. I passmy hands over her wonderful curves. We are kneeling on the bed, caressingone another. Her now nervous fingers passed through my hair.Moving her mouth from mine, her lips soothe my neck. I hold her hands,linking my fingers between hers. I’ve raised our hands above our heads. I canfeel the sexual adrenalin; it’s almost too much to bear.As she moves her mouth from my neck, I move my head towards her breasts.

Her nipples are cold and erect. I parted my lips. Slowly, reaching out mytongue, I embrace her nipples. Then I suck, gently and sensuously.I can see her muscles, her entire body, twitching with anticipation. Shesupports my neck and guides my face upward. We move and are now we’relying down beside one another.Our hands rest on each other once again. Hers on my arms, mine on her lower back. I pull her closer. Her hand slides down my body.All the time we are smiling, gazing into each others eyes. Her hand easesbetween my legs. I grip onto her feminine form, and then slowly move myhands between her thighs.



ENTRY TWO – SWEET SIN

It was simple. I didn’t have to do it, I wanted to do it. I mean, money is money.I would always have a choice to back out if I changed my mind. I would startby advertising online. As long as I told them I was sixteen, it wouldn’t matter.

Come on, they’re desperate men. As if they could tell the difference. Besides,what’s two years when they’re obviously perverse to even think of going for someone as young as sixteen?After the ad went up, I started to panic. I waited just three minutes beforereceiving a reply via email. I could still back out at this point. The only thingthey have is the hope of paying some young girl to fuck them. I replied, askingto chat through instant messaging.Okay, so now they have my email address. They still know nothing about me.After talking for a while and establishing some ground rules, he asked for aphoto. I could still walk away, with him only having the basic knowledge of mybeing. I took a photo of my body. After all, I’m pretty sure that’s what he was

expecting, right? He replies saying how beautiful I look. Sure, that’s exactlywhat he’s thinking.I asked for his picture and I should’ve expected it. I mean, I did send a pictureof just my body. That’s when our conversation made it to the point of noreturn. That didn’t mean that I couldn’t walk away. I still could. I just didn’t.We chose to meet in the city centre. I decided on a time that would give methe chance to have a bath and basically make myself look older. As I waswalking out of the door, I glanced at my family and told them that I was goingto meet a friend. It’s not like they would actually care. I could’ve told them thecomplete truth and they still would’ve stayed glued to the television.I was waiting at the bus stop in the cold for about twenty minutes. I could walkaway, but still decided not to. Then I made the decision that would mean Icouldn’t walk away. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out my phone. Idialled the number and it was my very last chance to back out.“Hello.” He had a voice that I’d heard somewhere before. I just didn’t knowhow I recognised it.“..Hi?” I was nervous.“So? This is… Jane. Right?”It took me a second to remember that I had given him a fake name. “Umm.Yeah. It’s Jane. I was just wondering how long you were going to be.”“Oh, I’m just leaving now. Where abouts are you? I just don’t really want to

leave the car.”I’ll admit that I was scared by the thought that no one would see me leavingwith this man. I was still thinking about how I could be so sure that I knew theman I was talking to. “Oh. Well… I’m, err, just in the Oakstead café at themoment. Where would it be good for you?”He hesitated. “Do you know where all of the, umm, buses stop and, ummswitch drivers and stuff? Sorry, but can I ask you something else?”I found it a little bit funny that he didn’t know that I was at this place he wasthinking about. “Yes and yes..?”“Jane. Don’t take this the wrong way but are you sure you’re really sixteen?” Istarted to panic. He didn’t think I sounded sixteen, what if he didn’t think I

looked sixteen either? After an awkward pause he tried to justify his question.“It’s just that you sound incredibly young. And, I don’t want to risk being



branded a paedophile, because some girl told me she was legal, when she,err, wasn’t.”“Yes. I am sixteen. For some reason I still sound like a little girl when I’m onthe phone… I, err, think it may be due to the pitch change or som’in..?” I hopethat worked as an excuse. I mean, I paid to get down here. And the bus prices

go up on New Year’s Eve.“Oh. Well, yeah. I understand. I mean, I actually sound a lot more manly face-to-face.” I let out a little giggle. “Jane. What are you wearing?”I started heading towards the Oakstead. I needed to make sure that I wascaught on CCTV, just in case this didn’t turn out right. “This isn’t really thetime to have phone-sex.” I teased as I checked my clothing - hoping for someinspiration to describe myself. “Nah. I’m in dark jeans and a, erm, navy blue jacket.”“Okay. I’m driving a dark blue Clio.” As if I actually knew the differencebetween cars. I started to look for dark blue cars that seemed to be pickingsomeone up.

“Okay… I’ll see you in a minute then?”“Yes. Yes, you will.”“Bye.” I ended the conversation and put the phone back into my pocket. I wasstood right outside the café and I was definitely on camera. So, I started tomove back to the bus stop.After enthusiastically watching for a blue car to stop, one finally did. I couldstill walk away. The car window rolled down and I moved towards the car. Ileaned over, trying to look seductive. I popped my head through the windowand pulled a Hollywood-influenced face.I was shocked. And so was he. The last person I expected to be behind thescreen name was my teacher. I felt a chill go up my spine. I could hear himgulp.“Sir...?” My voice was shaky.“Erin.” He looked guilty, as if he expected me to run off and tell everybodyabout his dirty desires.I took a deep breath. “So, are you gonna open the door or what?” He lookedconfused. Obviously, I should’ve offered to walk away and never speak of themoment again. “Well?”“You… Don’t have to do this. You know that, right?” I smiled. He was morenervous then I was. I wonder if he’d paid for sex before. “I’ll still give you themoney. Just. Please… Don’t tell anyone.”

“I knew I had heard that voice somewhere before!” I was a little bit too excitedfor finally remembering the voice. “I don’t want to take your money… Notwithout giving you something in return.” I moved slightly, so that my bra strapwould fall. He saw it and his face showed the temptation.“As long as this doesn’t leave our knowledge…” He tilted forward to open thedoor. “You understand that this could get us both into trouble, right?”I looked over my shoulder, checking for any witnesses. No one was around.“You’re paying for discretion.” I bent over and slipped into the car.

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My Awakening / Sweet Sins