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Making the Most of Conflict and
Difficult ConversationsDr. Andrew Johnston | DrAndrewJohnston.com
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• Conflict & Collaboration: The Making of a Top Team
Recognizing the Contributions of Conflict
Revealing Personal Responses to Conflict
• Tips & Tactics
Put Conflict in the Right Place
Stay in your Right Mind
Adopt the Right Posture
Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
Separate Impact & Intent
Swap Blame for Contribution
Today’s Territory…
c
What are the hallmarks of an
exceptional team?
c
Conflict & Team Performance
The pursuit of individual goal and personal status erodes
the focus on collective success
The need to avoid interpersonal discomfort keeps
members from holding each other accountable
Lack of clarity or buy-in prevents members from
making decisions they will stick to.
From: Patrick Lencioni’s, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
The fear of being vulnerable with team
members prevents the building of trust.
The desire to preserve artificial harmony stifles
productive, ideological conflict.
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Stages of Group Development
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The Dangers of Artificial Harmony…
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• Hidden Conflict
• Groupthink
• Bad decisions
• No Trust
• No Synergy
• No Commitment
The Dangers of Artificial Harmony…
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• Where trust is lacking, members…
• Conceal their weaknesses and mistakes
• Hesitate to ask for help or provide constructive feedback
• Hesitate to offer help outside their own areas of responsibility
• Jump to conclusions about the intentions and abilities of others
• Hold Grudges
• Resist being dependent or relying on others
Tests for Trust…
• Where trust is present, members…
• Admit weaknesses
• Take responsibility for mistakes
• Ask for help
• Accept questions and input about their areas of responsibility
• Give the benefit of the doubt before coming to a negative conclusion about others
• Offer and accept apologies without hesitation
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Go First!
Focus on Collective Outcomes
Confront Difficult Issues
Force Clarity and Closure
Mine for Conflict
From: Patrick Lencioni’s, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
Conflict & Team Performance
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• Clarify Conflict’s Role & Responses (“Conflict Norming”)
• Poll for Positions and Opinions
• Demand Debate
• Adopt Promising Postures
Tools to “Mine for Conflict”
c
The Challenge of the “Dip”
Time / Engagement
Pe
rfo
rma
nce
/Pro
du
ctivity
c
…the culprit behind lousy relationships, lackluster performance
and low satisfaction,
…a prerequisite to great relationships, exceptional
performance, and personal fulfillment…
The difference is how you handle it.
Conflict is…
c
Self Survey…
Be sure to note the specific
response for each blank.
Be sure to put a number in each box and to
use each number (1-5) in each question.
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Responses to Conflict…
c
Responses to Conflict…
c
Responses to Conflict…
c
Responses to Conflict…
c
Building your Repertoire…
!
! !
Snapshots of Style A Personal Album of Responses to Conflict
Consider each of the responses to conflict described below (from the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, TKI) and provide a “snapshot” of each being employed effectively. Your “snapshot” should describe a real life situation or interaction to which the given response was especially well suited.
Collaborating. All parties examine all of the options
and viewpoints and work toward finding a solution that will meet as many needs and concerns as possible.
Pros:
Maintains positive relationships among all Gets feelings into the open Accommodates strong feelings
Cons:
Takes Time Messy
Requires Vulnerability, Conflict
Compromising. Parties “split the difference” or each
give up a little bit so that everyone gets some of what they
want, but no one gets everything they want.
Pros:
A quick and easy solution
Fair, equal
Cons:
No one is completely satisfied
Doesn’t accommodate strong feelings well
Describe a snapshot (example) of collaborating to
resolve a conflict…
Describe a snapshot (example) of compromising
to resolve a conflict…
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Thomas –Kilmann Conflict Modes
As
se
rtiv
en
es
s
CompetingZero-sum orientation
Win/Lose power struggle
CompromisingMinimally acceptable to all
Relationships undamaged
CollaboratingExpand range of options
Achieve win/win outcomes
AvoidingWithdraw from the situation
Maintain neutrality
AccommodatingAccede to the other party.
Maintain harmony at all cost
Cooperativeness
Focus on others’ needs and mutual relationships
Focus o
n o
wn n
ee
ds, o
utc
om
es,
age
nda
How do you respond to conflict?
Under Stress…
c
Results and Relationship are on the line, and it’s sure to get Messy.
What makes a Difficult Conversation
so Difficult?
c
Difficult Conversation Worksheet…
Based on: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
(2010) Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen
Their Contributions…
Your Contributions…
Your Intentions…
The Impact on you…
The Impact on them…
Their Intentions…
Your point of view…
Their point of view…
Difficult Conversations: Mapping the Conflict Worksheet
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• Put Conflict in the Right Place
• Stay in Your Right Mind
• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
• Separate Impact & Intent
• Swap Blame for Contribution
Tips & Tactics to Make the Most
of a Difficult Conversation
c
Putting Conflict in Its Place
Elevating Purpose over the Personal
The
THIRD Thing
Person One Person TwoConflict
The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013
c
Conflict
The
Standard
YOU THEM
Putting Conflict in Its Place
Elevating Purpose over the Personal
The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013
c
Person One Person Two
The
Standard
Putting Conflict in Its Place
When It Gets Personal
Conflict
The Third Thing, A. Johnston ©2013
c
• Put Conflict in the Right Place
• Stay in Your Right Mind
• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
• Separate Impact & Intent
• Swap Blame for Contribution
Tips & Tactics to Make the Most
of a Difficult Conversation
c
Stay in your Right Mind…
c
The right mindset can make you less touchy and more resilient.
How touchy is your trigger?
c• It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved
or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community.
• One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
• People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.
• It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.
• Emotional disturbance is mainly externally cause d and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.
• If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and
excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.
• One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.
• One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one's own life.
• One's past history is an all-important determiner of one's present behavior and because something once strongly affected one's life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.
• Other people's disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.
• There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.
Common “Irrational Beliefs…”
c
• Put Conflict in the Right Place
• Stay in Your Right Mind
• Adopt the Right Posture• Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
• Separate Impact & Intent
• Swap Blame for Contribution
Tips & Tactics to Make the Most
of a Difficult Conversation
c
• Move the Camera
• Ask QuestionsWhy might we see it differently?
What data do they have that I don’t?
What experience, values, etc. do I draw from?
• Adopt the “And Stance”
Remember: You can’t move forward until you know where you are.
Reality is overrated:
Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
c
INTENTIONS IMPACT
ACTIONS
Extenuating
Circumstances
Assumption
Separate Intent from Impact
c
From Doug Stone, Harvard University
“I don’t know if you’re aware of this…” [I’m not saying it’s intentional]
“Here’s what I see…” [Describe data from my story]
“My concern is that…”[Describe impact]
“What do you think?” [Ask rather than tell]
Getting past assumptions…
c
• Share the impact, ask about intents
• Remind yourself that intentions are complex
• Care about the impact. Good Intentions don’t fix bad Impact
Intentions are only part of the picture:
Separate Intent from Impact
c
There’s enough fault for everyone
Swap Blame for Contribution
c
• Blame is about judging and looks back.
• Contribution is about understanding and looks forward.
• Consider the Contribution System…
There’s enough fault for everyone
Swap Blame for Contribution
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Final Words…
What new ideas, insights, or strategies did you get out of this training?
•Session #2: Five Foundations of Accountability• Dr. Andrew Johnston
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c
c
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The Current Context: Undermanaged
Why Managers Don’t Manage…
• Myth of Empowerment (Leaving ‘em alone is best)
• Myth of Fairness (Everyone is exactly the same)
• Myth of the Nice Guy (Being strong means being a jerk)
• Myth of Difficult Conversations (Being hands-off avoids trouble)
• Myth of Red Tape (Everything else ties me down)
• Myth of the Natural Leader (It’s just not my thing)
• Myth of Time (There’s just not enough time)From: It’s Okay to be the Boss (Tulgan)
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The Current Context: Disengaged
Gallup Business Journal, January 7, 2016
• In the U.S. 32% of employees are engaged, meaning they are involved in, enthusiastic about, and committed to their work and workplace.
• Worldwide, only 13% are engaged.
c
© 2018 A. Johnston | DrAndrewJohnston.com
cWhat Difference Does Accountability Make?
• Momentum vs. Inertia
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From: Simple Sabotage Field Manual
• Managers and Supervisors— To lower morale and production, be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.
• Employees— Work slowly. Think of ways to increase the number of movements needed to do your job: use a light hammer instead of a heavy one; try to make a small wrench do, instead of a big one.
• Organizations and Conferences— When possible, refer all matters to committees, for “further study and consideration.” Attempt to make the committees as large and bureaucratic as possible. Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.
• Telephone— At office, hotel, and local telephone switchboards, delay putting calls through, give out wrong numbers, cut people off “accidentally,” or forget to disconnect them so that the line cannot be used again.
• Transportation— Make train travel as inconvenient as possible for enemy personnel. Issue two tickets for the same seat on a train in order to set up an “interesting” argument.
(From the US Government Office of Strategic Services, 1944)
cWhat Difference Does Accountability Make?
• Momentum vs. Inertia
• Commitment vs. Involvement
c Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…
For
Against
c
Commitment
Enrollment
Genuine Compliance
Formal Compliance
Grudging Compliance
Noncompliance
Apathy
Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…
c
Commitment
Enrollment
Genuine Compliance
Formal Compliance
Grudging Compliance
Noncompliance
Apathy
Attitude toward the Vision/Mission…
cRecalibrating Accountability
• Accountability refers to a person’s willingness to account for his or her own actions.
• It is demonstrated when a person makes meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and takes personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact.
• Since this inclination depends upon an individual’s volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded.
c
Building the Foundation of Accountability
Accountability refers to a person’s (or an organization’s) willingness to account for his or her actions and their impact. It is demonstrated when people make meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and take personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact. Since this inclination depends upon individuals’ own volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded. A foundation supporting genuine accountability is built of the five components below.
Clear Direction
When expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not
demonstrate accountability for achieving them.
Clarify Goals & Priorities.
Courage
Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to
deliberately dial-back their accountability.
Encourage & Embolden them.
Ongoing Relationship
Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.
Abide with them.
Power
When people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible for outcomes or
results and don’t demonstrate accountability.
Empower them.
Follow-Up
People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts
and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.
Provide Credit & Consequences.
Copyright ©2016 A. Johnston
Ongoing Relationship
Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.
Abide with them.
c Courage
Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to deliberately dial-back their accountability.
Encourage &
Embolden them.
c
What do people fear in their organizational experience?
c
How does fear affect people?
c
Behaviors that Breed Fear
Abrasive or
Abusive
Conduct
Ambiguous
Behavior
Poorly Managed
Personnel &
Performance
Culture & Perceptions
of Top Management
c
1. Abrasive or Abusive Conduct
Aggressive interpersonal behavior that intentionally or unintentionally intimidates, demeans, humiliates, isolates, insults, or threatens people.
• Silence
• Glaring eye contact: “the look”
• Brevity or abruptness
• Threats about the job
• Insults and put downs
• Blaming, discrediting, or discounting
• An aggressive, controlling manner
• Shouting
• Angry outbursts, loss of control
• Physical threats
• Snubbing or ignoring people
c
2. Ambiguous Behavior by Leaders
Unclear or ambiguous behavior that causes anxiety and tension in employees because it is difficult to “read” and they are left stressed and wondering what the “rules” are.
• Ineffective problem-solving and decision making
• Lack of communication or indirect communication
• Lack of responsiveness to input or suggestions
• Inconsistency or mixed messages
• Uninviting behaviors
• Unethical conduct
c
3. Poorly Managed Personnel & Performance Issues
Employees worry about how their organization manages personnel issues and extrapolate: How someone else is treated is the way I could be treated.
• Reputation and credibility of the HR Department
• How the hiring process is conducted
• Decisions regarding hiring, realignment, termination, etc.
• How performance issues are handled
• Performance Management systems and interactions
c
4. Culture of the Organization
The “norms” (e.g. traditions, habits, accepted methods, etc.) by which the organization operates. Formal and informal expectations that powerfully shape behavior and cause anxiety and tension.
• Preferences and practices of leaders and top management
• What is culturally “cool”, and what’s not
• “Sacred cows” and taboo topics
• Unwritten rules
cTips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Encouraging & Emboldening Others
… “Bigger” Your People & Fill Their Sails
… Make Inaction the Enemy
… Overuse Fear as a Motivator
… Punish Mistakes
DO DON’T
c PowerWhen people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible and they don’t demonstrate accountability.
Empowerthem.
c
The “Do-ing” Dilemma
c
Great Doer
c
Great Doer
c
Great Leader
c
Great Leader
cGreat Leader
c
LeaderFocus on People
Giving Control
Sharing Knowledge
Give Influence
Assign Responsibility
Elevate Others’ Engagement
Effectiveness measured in effect on
People. Their ability to achieve the
outcome
DoerFocus on Outcome
Take Control
Amass Knowledge
Exert Influence
Take Responsibility
Elevate Personal Engagement
Effectiveness measured in effect on
Outcome. Your own ability to
achieve the outcome.
vs.
c
What are other ways we take power away?
c
… Tell People What Must be Accomplished
… Ask Questions, Pose Riddles
… Risk More on People’s Choices
… Tell People What to Do
… Answer all the Questions, Solve Riddles
… Control Everything
Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Making People Powerful
DO DON’T
c
Clear DirectionWhen expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not demonstrate accountability for achieving them.
ClarifyGoals & Priorities.
c
Near-Misses…
Motivating(Spurring Action)
c
Near-Misses…
Critiquing(Correcting
Action)
c
What Constitutes Clear Direction?
Clear Direction includes information about the...
... Purpose (The Compelling Why)
... Particulars (What by When, Givens & No-Go’s)
... Priorities (Especially Relative Priorities)
c
WHATStarts with verb. Describes a specific,
verifiable result.
Examples:
Complete 25 contacts
Raise the client satisfaction score from 87% to
95%.
Decrease average number of errors by at least 8.
Identify 3 candidates for the webmaster position.
Increase revenue by 10%
WHENIdentifies a specific deadline by which
the “What” must be done.
Examples:
By January 28, 2017
By the end of the 3rd quarter
Before the next board meeting
In the next 48 hours
For the February Team Meeting
c
Clear Direction
Givens
No–Go’s What
When
Purpose (Why)
c
What Constitutes Clear Direction?
Clear Direction includes information about the...
... Purpose (The Compelling Why)
... Particulars (What by When, Givens & No-Go’s)
... Priorities (Especially Relative Priorities)
c
Life in the Whirlwind
c
• We have too many of them
• We know more about what is Important(Isolated Priorities) than what is MoreImportant (Relative Priorities)
Number of Goals Number of Goals Achieved
2-3 2-3
4-10 1-2
11-20 0
The Problem with Priorities
c
The Contents of the Whirlwind
c
Good & Important Things
3
1
2
Priorities
c
… Set a Finish Line & Define Progress
… Be Complete and Concrete
… Prioritize Your Priorities
… Be Content with Activity
… Be Vague or Abstract
… Pretend Everything’s a Priority
Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability by Providing Clear Direction
DO DON’T
c
People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.
Provide Credit & Consequences.
Follow-Up
cHow do we make clinkers and contributions invisible?
• We represent our team members’ work to others
• We fail to identify or confront poor performance
• We fail to celebrate achievements
• We give deadlines but do not note when they pass
• We do not name those that contribute
• We don’t thank people for simply “doing their job”
c
… Aim the Spotlight
… Set Intermediate Goals & Progress Updates
… Create Passive & Shared Accountability
… Take Credit or Mask Responsibility
… Fail to Follow Up & Follow Through
… Make Accountability All About You
Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability With Follow Up
DO DON’T
c Ongoing Relationship
Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships.
Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is, too.
Abide with them.
c
Two Keys to an Ongoing Relationship
• Continuity• Psychological Distance
c
… Create Standing Meetings
… Own the Meetings
… Develop Purposeful Relationships
… Have Meetings “As Needed” or “Whenever you Need Me”
… Leave Meeting Agendas Up to Others
… Ignore Psychological Distance
Tips & TacticsFostering Accountability Through An Ongoing Relationship
DO DON’T
c
Building the Foundation of Accountability
Accountability refers to a person’s (or an organization’s) willingness to account for his or her actions and their impact. It is demonstrated when people make meaningful commitments to goals and expectations in process, and take personal responsibility for results and implications after the fact. Since this inclination depends upon individuals’ own volition, accountability must be cultivated rather than commanded. A foundation supporting genuine accountability is built of the five components below.
Clear Direction
When expectations and deliverables are unclear, people do not
demonstrate accountability for achieving them.
Clarify Goals & Priorities.
Courage
Fear dampens and diminishes “ownership” and causes people to
deliberately dial-back their accountability.
Encourage & Embolden them.
Ongoing Relationship
Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.
Abide with them.
Power
When people feel powerless, they don’t feel responsible for outcomes or
results and don’t demonstrate accountability.
Empower them.
Follow-Up
People demonstrate accountability when they know their personal efforts
and their stewardship of resources and opportunities will be visible.
Provide Credit & Consequences.
Copyright ©2016 A. Johnston
Ongoing Relationship
Accountability is fostered most strongly in authentic, personal relationships. Where relationships are shallow or perfunctory, accountability is too.
Abide with them.
c
Final Words…
What new ideas, insights, or strategies did you get out of this training?
c