Living together before marriage

Living Together before marriage: views and condition

By Ishtifaq Anwar053 554 530

Eng 105, Section 2 Mr. Abdus Selim

August 12, 2010.Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION

Cohabitation by definition is "two unmarried people of the opposite-sex living together." It has been called by various terms, such as "living together," "shacking up," "cohabitation," "serial monogamy or "living in sin." In recent years, the concept of cohabitation has expanded to include any two partners who have integrated their residence, property and daily lives. It is often seen as a starting point for people headed toward marriage, but can also be an ultimate arrangement, ahalfway house for couples who don't want the social, personal and legal commitment that marriage represents. The definition of cohabitation here means people of the opposite sex living together or sleeping together on a very regular basis sharing sex and sharing in many ways the expenses of life.

The literature suggests various interpretations. Cohabitation is regarded as a trial marriage, a prelude to marriage, not a substitute, or as an alternative to marriage. Some suggest it should be viewed as part of the dating process and therefore more related to premarital dating relationships than marriage.

And it could be said that in the very near future, the beginning of cohabitation may be a more apt marker of union formation than the marriage date. This means marriage will less likely to be a young person's first experience of living with someone else in a committed sexual relationship, and increasingly young Bangladeshis will be postponing marriage in favor of living together until their mid to late twenties.

In line with these demographic trends, cohabitation now appears to be widely accepted and tolerated by the law and the general population. In other countries, not only has the rate of cohabitation before marriage escalated; the increase in the divorce rate has also resulted in a high incidence of cohabitation after marriage breakdown. Chapter 2 HYPOTHESIS

More then 80% of people of general age group in Bangladesh, especially in Dhaka, dont support the idea of living together before marriage.

I identified the following questions to investigate in a Bangladesh context:

What are the major effects on the society that are caused by pre marital cohabitation?

What factors are promoting this tendency to increase?

Which segments of people are involved in this?

What are the good or bad sides?

In how many ways they cohabit?

What is the current trend and what are the views of different people to it?

What are the legal, socio-economical and psychological issues related to it?

Considered as a social problem, what could be the remedies?

I will also provide a section describing the effects in business and a conclusion summarizing my research. Chapter 3

REASONS BEHIND COHABITING

Anti-Marriage Sentiments - deliberately seeking an alternative to traditionalmarriage believing it to be "brutal," "irrelevant" and saying "we're not trapped by marriage" or "a marriage license is only a piece of paper" or "it gives us more freedom to come and go".

Authority Decline - lower confidence in the guidance of religious and social institutions.

Avoidance - They have experienced first hand the devastating effects divorce has had upon their parents and family and want to avoid it happening in their own lives at all costs.

Conformity to social pressure - "Everyone else is doing it." "Something must be wrong with you if you're not interested in living together".

Convenience - it's easier for two to live, transportation, shopping, etc.; "the relationship is easier to give up if it's not a legal one".

Commitment - fear of or disbelief in long-term commitments.

Compatibility - those who have seen their parents or relatives get divorced, feel that living together is a test of their relationship or trial period allowing them to learn what they can about their partner so that the best choice can be made, and divorce avoided - "until you share a bedroom with someone, you don't really know them well and what all their habits may be".

Economics - This isthe second mostcommon reason people give forliving together.(1) It's cheaper for two to live together than one; "why pay for two apartments when we can share one?" or (2) "it isn't penalized in fact, it's encouraged, so why not?" Escape Problems or Failure - it's easier to run from difficulties and go to a safe' place where they may feel more loved' and appreciated. The felt pressures come from various sources: expectations from parents, school grades, job and career, or even friends.

Expectations - hope of establishing a more permanent relationship or the expectation of increasing the chance for marriage.

Lack of Moral Conscience - couples feel they are doing nothing wrong by living together. "It doesn't hurt anyone." No account is given to the moral standards of scripture.

Lack of Understanding of What Real Love Is - With so many brought up in broken homes there are no models to pattern their own lives after. They believe love is an act rather than a commitment. Sex education is taught without morals or standards.

Pressure from their partner - by feeling they owe them some sort of allegiance or are obligated to stay and/or have sex with them or else they will break up with them.

Rebellion/Independence - going against authority and what is commonlyaccepted behavior. "I know this will really upset my parents and I'm glad!"

Rite of Passage into adulthood - It's an expected stage of personal development.

Sex - for its own pleasure and readily available sexual relationships begin earlier.

Value Change - regarding the family and the institution of marriage.

Chapter 4

GOOD IN living together before marriage Testing before marriage & better understanding

If a partner doesnt match, one may find another better choice

Sense of responsibility grows up before marriage that makes a happy married life

Satisfying sexual desires

Easy come, easy go

Saving money

Enhance self-esteem and inner Security

Just another lifestyle choice, a purely personal relationship created by and for the couple. Chapter 5

BAD IN LIVING together before marriage Break ups and divorce

Difficulties to decide sex role and division labor

Less responsibility to the relationship

Mistrust after marriage

Troubles in dividing properties once shared after breaking up

Increasing parentless child and single parent

Boys often refuse to marry even after a sexual relationship

Demoralization of social norms and ethicsChapter 6

FACTORS PROMOTING COHABITATION

Social, economical, political aspects are changing in courses of time and a new idea is taking place.

Remedy to family instability, broken families and individualism - People who cohabit are much more likely to come from broken homes. Among young adults, those who experienced parental divorce, fatherlessness, or high levels of marital discord during childhood are more likely to form cohabiting unions than children who grew up in families with married parents who got along. They are also more likely to enter living-together relationships at younger ages. For young people who have already suffered the losses associated with parental divorce, cohabitation may provide an early escape from family turmoil, although unfortunately it increases the likelihood of new losses and turmoil.

The growth of cohabitation is also associated with the rise of feminism. Traditional marriage, both in law and in practice, typically involved male leadership. For some women, cohabitation seemingly avoids the legacy of patriarchy and at the same time provides more personal autonomy and equality in the relationship. Moreover, women's shift into the labor force and their growing economic independence make marriage less necessary and, for some, less desirable.

Underlying all of the trends is the broad cultural shift from a more religious society where marriage was considered the bedrock of civilization and people were imbued with a strong sense of social conformity and tradition, to a more secular society focused on individual autonomy and self invention. This cultural rejection of traditional institutional and moral authority, evident in all of the advanced, Western societies, often has had "freedom of choice" as its theme and the acceptance of "alternative lifestyles" as its message. Chapter 7

TYPES

There are three groups of cohabiters, those headed toward marriage, those cohabiting as a temporary alternative, and those cohabiting as a permanent alternative to marriage. Generally they are: Linus Blanket, Emancipation, Convenience and Testing Relationships .A brief description of each are:

1. Linus Blanket Relationship

This type of cohabiting relationship is founded on the overwhelming need to be involved with somebody. The desire to be loved is so overwhelming and strong that many will "settle for" rather than choose someone. 2. Emancipation Relationship

This type of cohabiting relationship occurs when the person wants to prove to their peers or parents that they are free to make their own choices and not bound by constraints. 3. Convenience Relationship.

This type of cohabiting relationship is convenient; it is said, for economic reasons. The intent is to split expenses 50/50. It is said to be convenient for study reasons, but when the going gets rough, it's invariably the woman who drops a class or two in order to keep up with all the duties, not the man. 4. Testing Relationship.

This type of cohabiting relationship tests the water before jumping in. They are committed or think they are committed to getting married. They want to first see if they are compatible by practicing marriage. They have fewer problems than the other three relationships.DATA ANALYSIS

Methodology

This research paper is based on personal interviews.

When?

It was conducted August 7th to august 8th, 2010.

How?

It was done by personal interview.

Respondents

Male (13)Female (7)

Experience10

No Experience127

Constraints

There were not enough respondents who have co habiting experience to come to a definite conclusion. If I had a greater number of respondents, I could obtain more distinctly different views between males and females. Cultural and age differences might complicate the results and interfere with differences in views between males and females.

Questionnaires and Data presentation

Group: To those who have no experience of living together before marriage

1. Do you support living together before marriage before marriage?

a) Yes, to understand each other is important

b) Yes, traditional system cant ensure a hearty bond

c) No, because religion and society dont accept it

d) No, because it often ends up with ups and purpose is not served properly

2. If you are against living together before marriage, which factors do you think stop you from it?

a) Parental disapproval

b) Religion or custom

c) Societys view

d) Worries about children born during cohabitation

e) Future marriage partner's view

Rank the best advantages of living together before marriage Testing before marriage & better understanding

Satisfying sexual desires

Saving money

If a partner doesnt match, I may find another better choice

Sense of responsibility grows up before marriage that makes a happy married life

3. Rank the worst disadvantage of living together before marriage-

Break ups and divorce

Difficulties to decide sex role and division labor

Less responsibilities to the relationship

Mistrust after marriage

Troubles in dividing properties once shared after breaking up

Great possibilities to fall into too dependent relationship

Increasing parentless child and single parent

Boys often refuses to marry even after a sexual relationship

Demoralization of social norms and ethics

4. Do you support premarital sex with partner?

a) Yes, supporting sexual needs is no offence

b) Yes, because cohabitation ensures confirm marriage; so, it makes no difference

c) No, its not ethical

d) No, it often leads to mistrust and women are sufferers most case

e) No, form my future spouses point of view I want to be in the safe side

5. Living together___

a) Is causing our traditional family system to break down

b) Is the only reason for the increasing number of divorce

c) Should come in and replace the traditional marriage system

d) Should come in; developed countries have accepted this and have no problem with it

6. Traditional marriage system __

a) OK; because family bonds and social security is ensured

b) OK; because its traditional, accepted and harmless

c) OK, because it also gives a lot of chance to know each other before marriage

d) Should change; because without knowing each other properly, getting married is really absurd and may result in a unhappy married life

e) Should change because its full of problems (like dowry, mismatch, as well as divorce)

f) Is simply good, because cohabitation is not also problem free, rather its more dangerous

7. The concept of living together is getting more popular; because___

a) Media, cable TV and movies are promoting this idea widely

b) Globalization brings this concept from developed countries

c) Traditional marriage system is not good

d) Social, economical, political aspects are changing in courses of time and a new idea is taking place

e) It is a remedy to family instability, broken families and individualism

Data Analysis and Findings

General

Both show conditional attitudes toward cohabitation itself. However, it is interesting no men, said it is negative, and while 30% of women answered it is. Women still keep their conservative thinking. Considering experience difference.

Cohabiters

I presumed that in general, people share their sexual life with same sex friends. The male oriented atmosphere (socially, culturally) would cause such a different tendency between genders.

Males seem to be more influenced by their friends. Again, men are likely to share their cohabitating experience in public, while women aren't. Many men thought the media affects them about cohabitation.

Most of the respondents live less than one year with their partner.

As expected, males have had more experience with different partners than females. We can conclude that men are more liberal than women. Moreover, it can be connected with male's positive thoughts towards cohabitation.

Most males parents dont know the relationship of their child. The main reason for living together before marriage for males is to avoid loneliness and a testing compatibility before marriage. Besides experimentation before marriage loneliness reason is important to females.

People who have not experienced living together before marriage: Males are more positive towards cohabitation, giving reasons such as good understanding and good opportunity to build up experiences. On the other hand, females are rather negative towards cohabitation because of their religion and social values.

Females care more about their parents, children and future partner when they consider cohabitation, and religion and society are the second considerations. Also, males care about their religion and future partner but they are not concerned about parents, society or children as much as females are.

Except for small differences, men and women think about the advantages of cohabitation in almost the same way. A number of both males and females agreed that cohabitation is good for testing before marriage and growing responsibility. It is interesting that most of the males and females think that satisfying their sexual desires is the best advantage of cohabitation. A recent social research showed the number of people who choose cohabitation for sex and economic reason are growing.

Males are most worried about mistrust, but females are refusal and social demoralization. In addition, some female respondents suggested other disadvantages, which are not in the choices, such as children born during cohabitation and lack of privacy.

Synthesis

What I learned

Males have had more experience, and share it with others openly. It is interesting that they show conditional or conservative attitudes towards cohabitation while their behaviors seem to be liberal.

Considering disadvantages of cohabitation, females are worried about refusal and children who might be born during cohabitation. It is interpreted that most women are worrying about the fact that the females can be easily victims of cohabitation. Interestingly, men seem not to be worried about the children in case their partners get pregnant.

Avoid being lonely, sexual relationship, and testing before marriage are the main reasons of cohabitation as well as financial reasons. Also, love regardless marriage drives males and females to cohabit.

In conclusion, even though males and females are dependent on circumstances in general towards cohabitation, some of them take negative and conservative views of it. There are many reasons for cohabitation and different views between men and women especially to the disadvantage of cohabitation. What was surprising or expected?

A large number of males and females regard 'testing before marriage' as the best advantage of cohabitation. However, it is pointed out that most cohabitation relationships last only less than one year on an average, as the experienced males and females answered.

Females become more open to cohabitation than before, and some of them even choose cohabitation for sexual relationship.

I think...

Cohabitation has fewer responsibilities and obligations to the partner, so it would easily end up with suffering and misery if people start it simply.

To have successful cohabitation, thinking it over and thorough planning are necessary.

CONCLUSION

We are seeing a very slow cultural change where romantic love and courtship has been giving way to an altogether new alternative.

From the survey I conducted and secondary data, it might be concluded that the idea of pre marital cohabitation is not that much frequent still now and about 30% people dont support it where 75% may consider it depending on circumstances.

Finally, I may say that my hypothesis was partially true.

_________________________________________________________

"Cohabitation - It's Training for Divorce"- Chuck Colson (1995)"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."- Martin Luther, Table Talk (1569)"People who marry "til death do us part" have a quite different level of commitment, therefore a quite different level of security, thus a quite different level of freedom, and as a result a quite different level of happiness than those who marry "so long as love doth last." The "love doth last" folks are always anticipating the moment when they or their mate wakes up one morning and finds the good feeling that holds them afloat has dissolved beneath them." - Jessie Bernard in "The Future of Marriage"bibliography

Report of survey on marriage, divorce and separation in Bangladesh, 1998, Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics, 1996.

Goode, WilliamJosiah.The family. 2nd ed.Printice-Hall, 1982.

Scanzoni, Letha Dawson. Men women and change, 3d ed. McGraw-Hill, 1998.

http://members.aol.com/cohabiting/index.htm

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/default.htm

http://inside.bard.edu/academic/specialproj/darling/transition/group24/

http://okisnotok.blogspot.com/2003_09_01_okisnotok_archive.html

http://personalwebs.myriad.net/Roland/default.htm

http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/aboutaifs.htmlAPPENDIX

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