Letting Letting Go:Go:

Parents & Students in Parents & Students in TransitionTransition

Presented by the Barat Campus Presented by the Barat Campus of DePaul University Wellness Centerof DePaul University Wellness Center

Sandy Dellutri, Director of Counseling & Disabilities Sandy Dellutri, Director of Counseling & Disabilities CoordinatorCoordinator

Rebecca Hamilton, Assistant Director of Counseling & Rebecca Hamilton, Assistant Director of Counseling & Wellness Education CoordinatorWellness Education Coordinator

Welcome to Welcome to the the

DePaul DePaul Community!Community!

We are thrilled We are thrilled that you and that you and your son or your son or

daughter have daughter have chosen Barat…chosen Barat…

An exciting and An exciting and difficult time is difficult time is ahead of youahead of you

Each of you may experience bringing your Each of you may experience bringing your child to college differentlychild to college differently

A A Time of TransitionTime of Transition in your relationship in your relationship This is what we’d like to speak about this This is what we’d like to speak about this

afternoon…afternoon…

Expectations for Expectations for CollegeCollege What we often tell students…What we often tell students…

Freshmen are faced with so many new Freshmen are faced with so many new people, ideas, experiences, and dilemmas people, ideas, experiences, and dilemmas -- asked to assume greater responsibility -- asked to assume greater responsibility for all aspects of their livesfor all aspects of their lives

Problems and struggles are inevitable and Problems and struggles are inevitable and normalnormal

Their challenge…Their challenge… Your challenge…easier said than done!Your challenge…easier said than done!

How to BeginHow to Begin Think about how seasoned adults handle Think about how seasoned adults handle

changechange

Beginning college is a turning point – Beginning college is a turning point – A Time of A Time of ChangeChange

You must begin to let go on a new levelYou must begin to let go on a new level

The Process of The Process of Letting GoLetting Go

Remember this process began long Remember this process began long ago ago

There was help then, where is it There was help then, where is it now?now?

The ContinuumThe Continuum Best advice…finding a balance!Best advice…finding a balance!

The Process of The Process of Letting GoLetting Go

Adding to your ambivalence is their Adding to your ambivalence is their movement toward independence along with movement toward independence along with times of retreating into anxiety and hanging times of retreating into anxiety and hanging onon

You’ll need to shift gears constantlyYou’ll need to shift gears constantly““Roomies” by David Willis – Sept. 11, 1999Roomies” by David Willis – Sept. 11, 1999

Contradictory Contradictory RolesRoles

“ “There are only two lasting There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to bequests we can hope to give our children. One is give our children. One is roots; the other is wings.” roots; the other is wings.”

Hodding CarterHodding Carter

Contradictory Contradictory RolesRoles Giving roots and wings has been your job from the Giving roots and wings has been your job from the

beginningbeginning Accepting these contradictory roles -- building Accepting these contradictory roles -- building

closeness and fostering independence -- can be a closeness and fostering independence -- can be a strugglestruggle

You’ll need to protect less, but may worry moreYou’ll need to protect less, but may worry more To reach independence they need freedom, but To reach independence they need freedom, but

with that comes responsibilitywith that comes responsibility College students are just BEGINNERS in this College students are just BEGINNERS in this

processprocess

Contradictory Contradictory RolesRoles

The two parts of you – rational and scaredThe two parts of you – rational and scared Your child will be presented with a host of Your child will be presented with a host of

pressures that are part of the growing-up pressures that are part of the growing-up processprocess

Information, support, and encouragement Information, support, and encouragement self reliance self reliance

Understanding Understanding what you and your what you and your child are going child are going through can:through can:

Help you negotiate this significant Help you negotiate this significant phase of your child’s lifephase of your child’s life

Free you to help you child Free you to help you child become his or her best selfbecome his or her best self

3 Major 3 Major Developmental Developmental Tasks for College Tasks for College StudentsStudents Separation/Individuation from family Separation/Individuation from family

and home environmentand home environment Identity FormationIdentity Formation Achieving Intimacy With PeersAchieving Intimacy With Peers

How Do Students How Do Students Reach These Reach These Developmental Developmental Goals?Goals? Via parental guidance, example, and teachingVia parental guidance, example, and teaching

By observing their friends and peersBy observing their friends and peers Through their own intuitive sense of needThrough their own intuitive sense of need By trial and error By trial and error

Separation/Separation/IndividuationIndividuation

Entails a physical and/or psychological Entails a physical and/or psychological separation from home (often for the first separation from home (often for the first prolonged period of time)prolonged period of time)

Good news is this process has in some ways Good news is this process has in some ways been going on since toddlerhood, so you’ve had been going on since toddlerhood, so you’ve had some practicesome practice

Separation/Separation/IndividuationIndividuation

Less and less reliance on mom & Less and less reliance on mom & dad/ family for managing daily dad/ family for managing daily affairsaffairs

““Ty Dye” from Ty Dye” from Late To ClassLate To Class by Randy Simpson by Randy Simpson

Separation/Separation/IndividuationIndividuation

Research indicates that college students Research indicates that college students who fail to separate enough from their who fail to separate enough from their parents have a much tougher time parents have a much tougher time meaningfully investing in undergraduate meaningfully investing in undergraduate life, and, later on functioning as life, and, later on functioning as independent adults in society…independent adults in society…

Separation/Separation/IndividuationIndividuation

However, there is still an important role played However, there is still an important role played by ongoing attachment with your childby ongoing attachment with your child

Emotional and financial support are necessary Emotional and financial support are necessary for your students to perform well in the for your students to perform well in the collegiate environmentcollegiate environment

““Roomies” by David Willis – Dec. 15, 1998Roomies” by David Willis – Dec. 15, 1998

Separation/Separation/IndividuationIndividuation

Ideally, this process is a gradual oneIdeally, this process is a gradual one

Identity FormationIdentity Formation Helps students answer the question of “who am I?”Helps students answer the question of “who am I?” Complex process that started years ago, but is now Complex process that started years ago, but is now

intensifyingintensifying College years are full of critical, identity-based College years are full of critical, identity-based

choices and commitmentschoices and commitments

Achieving Peer Achieving Peer Intimacy Intimacy

This phase tends to affect college students in a highly This phase tends to affect college students in a highly significant waysignificant way

Again, this exploration started back in puberty, but the Again, this exploration started back in puberty, but the concurrent separation from family intensifies the needconcurrent separation from family intensifies the need

Increasing reliance on getting intimacy needs met Increasing reliance on getting intimacy needs met primarily through peer group, not familyprimarily through peer group, not family

What You Can Do What You Can Do To Facilitate the To Facilitate the TransitionTransition

Don’t panicDon’t panic Remember the Remember the

good foundations good foundations you’ve given themyou’ve given them

Don’t make Don’t make assumptionsassumptions

Listen carefullyListen carefully

Support and Support and encourage, but try encourage, but try not to hovernot to hover

Focus on clear Focus on clear communication communication

Review the parent Review the parent materials we’re materials we’re about to give youabout to give you

Don’t blink!Don’t blink!They’ll be They’ll be

walking across walking across that graduation that graduation stage before stage before you know it!you know it!