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Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give theethe desires of thine heart. (Psalm 37:4)

Page 2

Laughs&Lifts.com Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life 334-379-7603

JANUARY 2012

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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any

resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely

coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,

helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures

are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause

disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or

other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not

necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

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Page 3JANUARY 2012

The Gossiper

(Author Unknown)A woman repeated a bit ofgossip about a neighbor. Withina few days the wholecommunity knew the story. Theperson it concerned was deeplyhurt and offended. Later thewoman responsible forspreading the rumor learnedthat it was completely untrue.She was very sorry and went toa wise old man to find out whatshe could do to repair thedamage.

"Go to the marketplace," hesaid, "and purchase a chicken,and have it killed. Then on yourway home, pluck its feathersand drop them one by onealong the road."

Although surprised by thisadvice, the woman did whatshe was told.

The next day the wise mansaid, "Now go and collect allthose feathers you droppedyesterday and bring them backto me."

The woman followed the sameroad, but to her dismay, thewind had blown the feathers allaway. After searching forhours, she returned with onlythree in her hand.

"You see," said the old man,"it's easy to drop them, but it'simpossible to get them back.So it is with gossip. It doesn'ttake much to spread a rumor,but once you do, you cannever completely undo thewrong."

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Another Year... (By Dave Jacobs)

This is a time of reflection and anticipation. Reflection on the year past, and anticipation of the year to come.But, probably the most common thing you hear about at the new year is resolutions...things you hope tochange such as health, i.e. diet, exercise, eat better, spend more time with your family, read more, stop usingyour credit card.Now all this is good and fine, but could I challenge you to make a different type of new yearsresolution...spiritual resolutions? such as read my Bible more, pray more. share my faith more, invite peopleout to church more, to fight sinful attitudes and actions more, to talk to my kids about Jesus more.Now, Ecc. 5:4,5 says, "When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it, for He takes no delight infools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay."Can you relate to that?See, our problem is not making resolutions, promises, vows... our problem is following through on them.Four paths to fulfilling your resolutions:1.Be realistic2.Don't be thrown-off by failures - this is a common snag to progress. Is. 43:18,19 "Do not call to mind theformer things, or ponder the things of the past. Behold, I will do something new..." Phil. 3:13,14 "...but onething I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on..."God is always ready to give us a second chance.3.Be patient, give it time4.Be reliant on God to bring about the change. Paul will say in Phil. 3:3 that we are not to, "...put confidencein our flesh, our own ability..." II Cor. 3:5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything ascoming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God."Real change is possible only when we come humbly before God and cry out to Him to do for us what wecannot do for ourselves.Conclusion: It's a new year, but the same God...by same I mean: unchanging, reliable, trustworthy, solid,dependable, faithful, constant, loyal, etc.

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"HOW BIG IS YOUR CLUB?"A hunter walking through thejungle, found a huge, deaddinosaur, with a pigmy standingbeside it. Amazed, he asked,"Did you kill that?"The pigmy said, "Yes."The hunter asked, "How could alittle bloke like you killa huge beast like that?"The pigmy said, "I killed it with myclub."The astonished hunter asked,"How big is your club?"The pigmy replied, "There areabout two hundred of us."

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"Ugly The Tomcat"

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly lovedthree things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, hehad only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on thesame side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnaturalangle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, andeven his shoulders.Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!"All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, and squirtedhim when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Uglyalways had the same reaction.If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threwthings at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against theirhands, begging for their love.If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he couldfind.One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badlymauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad lifewas almost at an end. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing andgasping, and could feel him struggling. CONTINUED ON PAGE 8


Page 8 JANUARY 2012

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7 It must be hurting himterribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging,sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain,suffering and obviously dying, was trying to sucklemy ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumpedthe palm of my hand with his head, then he turnedhis one golden eye towards me, and I could hearthe distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatestpain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking onlyfor a little affection, perhaps some compassion. Atthat moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful,loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did hetry to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me,or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at mecompletely trusting in me to relieve his pain.Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but Isat and held him for a long time afterwards,thinking about how one scarred, deformed littlestray could so alter my opinion about what it meansto have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally andtruly.Ugly taught me more about giving and compassionthan a thousand books, lectures, or talk showspecials ever could, and for that I will always bethankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but Iwas scarred on the inside, and it was time for me tomove on and learn to love truly and deeply. To givemy total to those I cared for.Many people want to be richer, more successful,well liked, beautiful, but for me. . . I will always tryto be Ugly.

Author Unknown

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Did you ever wonder whythere are no deadpenguins on the ice in

Antarctica -where dothey go?

Wonderno more!It is a

knownfactthat

thepenguin is a veryritualistic bird which livesan extremely ordered andcomplex life. The penguinis very committed to itsfamily and will mate forlife, as well as maintaininga form of compassionatecontact with its offspringthroughout its life.

If a penguin is found deadon the ice surface, othermembers of the family andsocial circle have beenknown to dig holes in theice, using their vestigialwings and beaks, until thehole is deep enough forthe dead bird to be rolledinto and buried.The male penguins thengather in a circle aroundthe fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly goodfellow"

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Page 10 JANUARY 2012

A Pastor said to aprecocious six-year-oldboy, "So your mother

says your prayers for youeach night? That's very

commendable. What doesshe say?"

The little boy replied,"Thank God he's in bed!"

-------------

One guy says to hisbuddy:

"Don't you and your wifeever have a difference of

opinion?"

"Sure we do--but I don'ttell her about it."

--------

Please don't be critical ofme--

I'll never be a saint.Temptation conquered, I

regret;It really was Wet Paint!

(By Jean Aston Fulkes)

How Wide?I used to work in an art supplystore. We sold artists' canvas

by the yard, and you could getit in either of two widths: 36

inches or 48 inches.Customer: "Can you please cut

some canvas for me?"Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused andslightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

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Page 11JANUARY 2012

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"Making the Most of Life”

If I can throw a single ray oflight across the darkenedpathway of another; if I canaid some soul to clearersight of life and duty, andthus bless my brother; if Ican wipe from any humancheek a tear, I shall nothave lived my life in vainwhile here.If I can guide some erringone to truth, inspire withinhis heart a sense of duty; ifI can plant within my soul ofrosy youth a sense of right,a love of truth and beauty;if I can teach one man thatGod and heaven are near, Ishall not then have lived invain while here.If from my mind I banishdoubt and fear, and keepmy life attuned to love andkindness; if I can scatterlight and hope and cheer,and help remove the curseof mental blindness; if I canmake more joy, more hope,less pain, I shall not havelived and loved in vain.If by life's roadside I canplant a tree, beneath whoseshade some wearied headmay rest, though I maynever share its beauty, Ishall yet be truly blest -though no one knows myname, nor drops a flowerupon my grave, I shall nothave lived in vain whilehere.- Author Unknown

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A man mentioned to hislandlord about the tenants in

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THINGS OVERHEARDON NOAH'S ARK

10. "Did anyone think aboutbringing a couple of umbrellas?"

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Page 13JANUARY 2012

REAL MEN!"Real Men are a dying breed...Here's to all the real men outthere..Boys play house. Menbuild homes!!! Boys shack up.Men get married!!! Boys makebabies. Men raise children!!! Aboy won't raise his ownchildren. A man will raise hisand someone else's!!! Boysinvent excuses for failure. Menproduce strategies forsuccess!!! Boys look forsomebody to take care of them.Men look for someone to takecare of!!! Boys seek popularity.Men demand respect and knowhow to give it!!!

A Question Of Attitude:(there's a lesson in here...)

A three-year-old tried tomove a table. After she hadstruggled long, her mothertried to discourage herattempts, saying, "Baby,you can't move that table.It's as big as you are." "Yes,I can," said the little girl,"I'm as big as it is."

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bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

How Much Do You Know?

A person who knows not, And knows not that he knows not,Is foolish… Disregard him.

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“Be Prepared”

by Dr. Ashley Paramore

With a New Year starting, we are alllooking hopefully toward progress inour lives. There are so many thingsto look forward to in 2012, and aswith all new situations, it reminds usto evaluate ourselves and see wherewe can make improvements. Oneaspect of life that can always beenhanced is preparedness. Manypeople are looking to take charge oftheir own health and are becomingmore prepared in regard to theirhealthcare. With that in mind, let’sdiscuss how to become moreprepared to solve everyday healthproblems at home.

Obviously, having a well-stockedfirst-aid kit, kept within easy reach,is a necessity in every home. Havingfirst aid supplies gathered ahead oftime will keep you prepared for manyemergencies. Learning CPR is also avery good idea, as well as havingsome basic knowledge of yourpersonal health issues and how tocare for related emergencies.

When it comes to emergencies, manypeople panic and forget what theyhave learned or what tools they haveon hand if they haven’t properlyprepared. To prevent that fromhappening, start practicing now forpossible emergencies. Don’t wait fora crisis to try something for the firsttime. Find out ways to gainexperience and take advantage ofthem so that if an emergency strikes,you will be able to keep cool, staycalm and will have the confidencethat comes with, “I’ve done itbefore.” Prepare now, so that youwill be sure of yourself in a healthemergency. As we all know, the bestpolicy for preparedness is prevention.In regards to health preparedness,the “ABC +D of Prevention” is a goodplace to start. The A stands forActivation. In other words, keep yourgut moving.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 23

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Page 15JANUARY 2012

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By: Wallace Kennedy Jr.

New Year’s has always been a time in our society for lookingback to the past, and more importantly, forward to the comingyear. We make a “New Year’s Resolutions.” This is a time thatsome people reflect on the changes they want or need. The badhabits to let go, and some good habits to embrace.Be encouraged dear readers, you can do all things through

Christ who gives us the strength. Remember the cliché, “It is the person that think theycan.” The Bible says; Delight thyself also in the LORD: and He shall give thee the desiresof thine heart (Psalm 37:4). Whatever you have PASSION for are the things that willbecome reality. Passion gives motivation and purpose which are needed to fulfill your life.I encourage each of us to surrender to the Lord, rather than asking what we will do, howabout asking God what He will do? It is time to unlock the hidden potentials that we havenot seen nor did we know we were even capable of doing. Submitting to God will require:faith, trust and courage. And we also have a promise from God that He will never leaveus or forsake us at anytime. The greatest steps to embracing the new things that Godwants to do in your life is to: (a). Commit yourself to God’s plan. (b). See yourself as Godsees you. (c). See your possibilities as God sees them. Do not[earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I amdoing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you notgive heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah43:18-19 Amplified Bible (AMP).

Have a Blessed and Prosperous New Year! Wallace Kennedy Jr.

Q: What's the definition ofmixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in yourbrand new car.

Mary walked into the pet storeand, after looking up and downthe aisles, asked the proprietor

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Page 17JANUARY 2012

It's important to remember (although it may seem obvious) that young antiques will not stay youngforever…age is inevitable even for antiques! In a few years these infant antiques will begin to season anddevelop a following of their own.Why do we collect them?There are many reasons why we collect antiques. First, there are emotional and personal reasons behindmost collectors and their collections. We are reminded of all the days gone by and the way things used to bewhen our grandparents were running what seemed to be a saner world. There is a charm of association withan interesting past. The tender grace of a day, an age that is dead, yet still lingers on in a stately piece offurniture. This charm, once felt, never disappears.Things you didn't know about antiques (but now you do!)

· Antiques are ALWAYS valuable...to someone. A vase you see on sale for 5 dollars could bring up thememories of a lost loved one for another, and could be a priceless treasure.

· Just as a good investment bond does, a good piece can be stored for a number of years until itincreases in value. Antiques NEVER decrease in value (unless damaged); they either increase or staythe same.

· All things will become an antique one day- even what is new right now! One day, you'll see your bigscreen HDTV next to a Victorian armchair.

· Things you have grown up with are now antiques! Remember all of those Hot Wheels cars? Some ofthem now go for $150-$300 dollars on the market! Wish you didn't throw them all away, huh?

� Fenton Glass� Carnival Glass� Depression Glass� Cast Iron� Candles

� Collectibles� Furniture� Toys� Books� Records

OLD THINGSNEW THINGS &EVERYTHINGIN BETWEEN

334-774-8436123 South Court Square • Ozark, Alabama

Monday - Thursday 10 AM - 6 PM • Saturday 10 AM - 2 PMClosed Friday and Sunday • All Credit Cards Welcome

The Philosophy of AntiquesBy Tory Wenger

Antiques. What are they? Why do wecollect them? What exactly makes anold item an antique? These are thequestions we aim to answer.Amateur or aficionado, hobbyist orjack of all trades, the wonderfulworld of antiques has something foreveryone.

What is an antique?In reality, the practical answervaries, as there are any factors toconsider. Most dealers consider theminimum age to be at least 25 years.

· Collectibles today range fromold Coca-Cola items andBarbie dolls, to woodenpens, bottle caps and oldtools. People will (and do)collect just about anything.

· Old magazines like NationalGeographic, Life, Colliers,and Readers Digest, printedin a specific birth month,make great gifts! It will givethem an insight to exactlywhat was going on whenthey were born.

Got Questions? We have answers!E-Mail us with any questions you mayhave. We always have time for [email protected]

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COFFEE FILTERS

Coffee filters .... Who knew! And you canbuy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for almostnothing even the large ones.1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking inthe microwave. Coffee filters make excellentcovers.2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome...Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leavewindows sparkling.3. Protect China by separating your gooddishes with a coffee filter between each dish.4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you breakthe cork when opening a wine bottle, filterthe wine through a coffee filter..5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffeefilter in the skillet to absorb moisture andprevent rust.6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-freecoffee filter.7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oilthrough a sieve lined with a coffee filter.8. Weigh chopped foods. Place choppedingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchenscale.9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenientwrappers for messy foods.10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plantpot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter toprevent the soil from going through thedrainage holes.11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Pokeone or two holes as needed in a coffee filter.12. Do you think we used expensive strips towax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters..13. Put a few in a plate and put your friedbacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc onthem. It soaks out all the grease.14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great"razor nick fixers."15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as aneasy-to-tear backing for embroidering orappliquï¿½ing soft fabrics.16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter andinsert into shoes or a closet to absorb orprevent odors.17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tiefresh herbs in to put in soups and stews.

MIKE’SMIKE’S GUN SHOPGUN SHOP

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Page 19JANUARY 2012

A Division of Midstream Fuel Service LLC

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Southern Linc: 151*371

2937 N. US Hwy 231Ozark, AL. 36360

“Co-Signing Leads To Stupid Tax”Dear Dave,

My wife co-signed on a loan for an ex-boyfriend five years agowhen they were together, before we even met. Now a collectionagency is after her. Our attorney has recommended we takeChapter 7 bankruptcy, but the debt is only $5,000. Is there abetter way?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

You bet there’s a better way! It’s just plain stupid to evenconsider trashing your financial life over $5,000, becausebankruptcy stays on your record for years.This is an old loan with very low expectations for collection. Thecollector probably bought it for next to nothing, and everythinghe gets will be profit. It’s not uncommon for debts this old to besettled for fifty cents on the dollar, and sometimes even less.Haggle with them, and I’ll bet you can talk them down to $2,500.Get an agreement in writing before you send them a dime, anddo not give them access to your bank account. They’ll threatento sue, or ruin your credit and that kind of stuff, but my guess isyou can work this out. It may take a couple of weeks and somepatience, but that’s nothing if it will save you $2,000 to $3,000.You guys will have to pay some Stupid Tax on this one, but Ihope it will teach you both a very valuable lesson. Never co-signa loan!

—Dave

* For more financial help please visit daveramsey.com.

COFFEE FILTERS CONT.18. Use a coffee filter toprevent spilling when you addfluids to your car.19. Use them as a spoon restwhile cooking and clean upsmall counter spills.20. Can use to hold dryingredients when baking orwhen cutting a piece of fruit orveggies.. Saves on havingextra bowls to wash.21. Use them to wrapChristmas ornaments forstorage.22. Use them to removefingernail polish when out ofcotton balls.23. Use them to sprout seeds.Simply dampen the coffeefilter, place seeds inside, fold itand place it into a plasticbaggie until they sprout.24. Use coffee filters asblotting paper for pressedflowers. Place the flowersbetween two coffee filters andput the coffee filters in phonebook..25. Use as a disposable "snackbowl" for popcorn, chips, etc.

OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TOUSE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERSTOO.

Logan'sLogan'sCleanersCleaners

AlterationsAlterations

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Full Empty RoomKnow why a room full ofmarried people looks so empty?There's not a single person in it.

Hauling OpportunityI wish I had a small truck so Icould take advantage of acontract hauling opportunity Isaw mentioned the other day.Seems a water-garden companywants a load of frogs delivered,but they have to be delivered ina special bog-like container thatwill fit in a pickup truck's bed.They'll pay in food, which isexactly what I like best! Foreach load delivered, thecompany will provide oneenormous home-bakedcasserole with a crust of MiddleEastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!That's right: A pita pie perpickup pack of puddled peepers.

Growing up is not just acontinual accumulationof new learning; you

have to discard some ofwhat you learned before.

RING RING RINGOne day an employee came into work with both of his earsbandaged.When his boss asked him whathappened, he explained:"Yesterday I was ironing a shirtwhen the phone rangand I accidentally answered theiron instead of the phone!""Well," the boss said, "thatexplains one ear, but whatabout the other?" "They calledback!"

“Ole Jack Frost” by: Sharon Canaday

The other day I was listening to some old songs and one written by Mel Tourme andBob Wells and made popular by Bing Crosby, “Chestnuts roasting on an openfire/Jack Frost nipping at your nose” made me give some thought to Frost. It hasbeen getting pretty nipping lately but have you ever marveled at the wonder ofFrost?

Jack Frost is a mischievous elf like character that originated in Norse folklore as JokulFrosti that is depicted as painting designs on windows and giving the trees their vividfall colors. Frost is formed from water vapor, the invisible gas which is alwayspresent in the air. In summer, we call it humidity. When the air cools, the watervapors become droplets of water which can be mist, rain, snow or fog. The waterthat condenses close to the ground becomes frost. Frost is actually dew thatbecomes crystallized when the temperature drops below 32 degrees. Frost makes asix sided microscopic ice crystal that sometimes have needle like projections.Actually I think it is very sad that we do not have the beautiful frosty pictures drawnon our windows like those I remember form my child hood. On single pane windowsthe cold air on the outside of the window caused the warm air inside the house tocondense on the window pane and when the temperatures drop below 32 degrees,the crystals created beautiful designs on the glass. But now doubled pane windowsprevent this from happening. There are actually three kinds of frost. The Fern Frostas I described on the windows panes, the Hoar Frost which develops when there isa good supply of water vapor making large crystals. This type of frost is more likelyto be found around bodies of water. Then there is the Frost called Rime which iswater drops that have been carried in a fog or mist and blown onto objects that arebelow freezing. This is a kind Southerners rarely ever see.

So the next frosty morning when you are scraping your car windows think of thewonder of the dew drops and water vapors and rejoice that you are not dealing withRime Frost.

Sources: University of Illinois Extension: Guide to Frost

DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY?ARE YOU DISABLED?

HAVE You Considered Applying for YOUR Social Security?Are you confused about the process or have you already

BEEN DENIED YOUR BENEFITS?

WE CAN HELP! CALL NOW!FAITHWORKZ DISABILITY CONSULTANT

Rose Clark Hallford, CSSRRepresenting Clients in Disability Claims FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS

FREE CONSULTATION334-443-3000

[email protected]

406 Ben St. • Suite 100Near the Ft. Rucker gate

Ozark, Albama 36360

Page 21JANUARY 2012


six sided microscopic ice crystal that sometimes have needle like projections.

The Ripple Effect(Author Unknown)

In 1855, A Sunday Schoolteacher, a Mr. Kimball, led aBoston shoe clerk to give his

life to Christ. The clerk,Dwight L. Moody, became an

evangelist.

In England in 1879, Dwight L.Moody awakened evangelisticzeal in the heart of Fredrick B.

Meyer, pastor of a smallchurch.

F.B. Meyer, preaching to anAmerican college campus,brought to Christ a studentnamed J. Wilbur Chapman.

J. Wilbur Chapman, engagedto YMCA work, employed aformer baseball player, BillySunday, to do evangelistic

work.

Bill Sunday held a revival inCharlotte, N.C. A group of

local men were so enthusiasticafterward that they planned

another evangelisticcampaign, bringing Mordecai

Hamm to town to preach.

During Mordecai Hamm'srevival, a young man named

Billy Graham heard the Gospeland yielded his life to Christ.

Only Eternity will reveal thetremendous impact of that one

Sunday School teacher, Mr.Kimball, who invested his life

in the lives of others.

KurtMcDaniel

Probate Judge Dale CountyDedicated and committed to serving

the citizens of Dale County.WWW.KURTMCDANIEL.COM

"Confucius Saysman who jump through screen door, strain self."

"Human Relations: For every action, there is acorresponding overreaction."

"Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a mannerof traveling."

- Margaret B. Runbeck

"He ate so much over the holidays that he decided toquit cold turkey."

Bank RobberyDuring a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?She said no, but my husband over there did.

DOWNTOWN MERCHANTSOZARK, AL



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CLUES1. Not divisible by two4. Of she7. Gas usage meas.10. 2008 Pulitzer poetRobert12. Rich persons14. Semitic fertility god15. Tropical Asianstarlings16. Digression17. An enticement18. "Nutcracker"character21. Swindles22. Capital of ancientChina 221-206 BC23. Small out buildings25. __ and Venzetti28. Data transmissionspeed measure29. Daminozide

ACROSS31. A Swiss Mountain32. No. Am. republic33. Golf ball pegs35. Any unwanted plant36. Monarchs of Iran39. Get together41. Delightfully pretty43. Am. & Australianphysician's groups44. Greatest A.Lexicographer50. A fencing sword51. Relating to imides52. University in N.C.54. Fish of the genusAlosa55. Force units56. Similar in kind57. Possessed58. Distress signal59. Grab

CLUES1. Physicist Georg Simon2. A raised platform3. Celtic mother of thefaeries4. Fasteners secured by apin5. Quality of beingmorally wrong6. Rabbit __, Updike novel7. Hawaiian island8. Young salmon9. Clay soil layer11. Drooped12. Lampshade supports13. Slang for trucks withtrailers14. White (Spanish)19. Furnish with help20. Supervises flying23. Trade24. Wuhan is the capital(var. sp.)

DOWN26. Hints27. Green regions ofdesert28. Baseball striker30. Radioactivity unit34. Regarded withreverence35. Carelessly expends37. A Chinese Moslem38. Of a steady character39. Early Christian pulpits40. More (Spanish)42. Television awards43. Yellow-fevermosquitos44. Openwork fabric45. 10 = one kor46. Comprehend thewritten word47. Slang for a drunk48. Ardour49. An Italian's capital

"I remember that Paul McCartney song like it was yesterday."


Page 23JANUARY 2012

Colby’s RestaurantColby’s Restaurant“All You Can Eat Buffet”“All You Can Eat Buffet”

Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave.Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave.Downtown Dothan • 191 N. FosterDowntown Dothan • 191 N. Foster

www.colbysplace.comwww.colbysplace.com

Cooking With A Southern FlareWe Cater any Special Occasion

Banquets • Receptions • Showers

LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERSLOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS& LAUNDRY& LAUNDRY

618 South Union Avenue • Ozark, Al. • 774-8012

FIRE RESTORATION SPECIALISTS99%99% Success Rate • Lowest Prices

Smoke Smell RemovalSmoke Smell RemovalClothes • Drapes • Bed Linens • Shoes

BE PREPARED…CONTINUED FROM PAGE 14Make sure you drink enough water,eat plenty of fiber, use probioticsand, if needed, enzymes to helpwith digestion. The B stands forBuild. Give yourself a supernutritious foundation. Build up theweak areas of the body using highquality foods, extra antioxidantsupplements and other nutrients ofwhich your body may be deficient.The C stands for Cleanse. Includeperiodic detoxification as apreventative measure and identifyareas that may need cleansingmore often. The D stands for DirectAid. Develop specific problemsolving solutions tailored to you andyour family’s individual healthneeds and come up with a plan toaddress those needs. Finally,learn what to do if, despite all ofthe prevention possible, you or aloved one gets sick. Since mostpeople will get some sort ofbacterial or viral infection within ayear’s time, learning to change thebody’s internal terrain is also agood method of preparation.Bacteria and viruses cannot survivein alkaline environments, but thrivein acidic ones. Learn what to eatand drink to increase your body’salkalinity. Sicknesses also cannotthrive in highly oxygenatedenvironments, so increase theoxygen levels of your body withexercise and proper breathing.Keep the natural filter systems ofyour body flowing with properdetoxification, massage and properhydration. Finally, increase yourimmune system with proper foods,supplements and personal hygiene.As any Boy Scout will tell you, beingprepared is of utmost importanceand it will help you to live happilyand without regret, knowing thatyou have done your best.

For questions, comments or to beadded to Dr. Paramore’snewsletter, please call 334-792-4001 or send an email to:[email protected].

1 Year Volume DiscountsStart a subscription for yourself, your church staff,out of area family or friends, soldiers, or prisoners.

A perfect gift for your friends or family.The more friends you bless, the more you save.

1 subscription $30• 2-5 friend subscriptions $25 ea.

• 5 or more friend subscriptions $20 ea.

Help Us Spread This Positive MessageTo The Wiregrass & The World.

Make checks payable to Parrish Publishing and mail to:P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 36361

Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen



Welcome-to-the-Neighborhood CookiesIngredients

· 1 cup butter, softened· 1/2 cup sugar· 1/2 cup packed brown sugar· 1 egg· 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour· 2 to 3 teaspoons grated orange peel· 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon· 3/4 teaspoon baking soda· 1/2 teaspoon salt· Pinch ground nutmeg· Pinch ground cloves· 1 package (12 ounces) white baking chips

Directions· In a bowl, cream butter and sugars; beat in

egg. Combine flour, orange peel, cinnamon,baking soda, salt, nutmeg and cloves; add tocreamed mixture. Stir in chips. Drop byrounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreasedbaking sheets. Bake at 350°

Cranberry Oatmeal CookiesIngredients

· 1 cup butter, softened· 1-1/2 cups sugar· 2 eggs· 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract· 2 cups all-purpose flour· 1 teaspoon baking powder· 1/2 teaspoon salt· 1/4 teaspoon baking soda· 2 cups quick-cooking oats· 1 cup raisins· 1 cup coarsely chopped fresh cranberries· 1 tablespoon grated orange peel· 1 package (12 ounces) white baking chips

Directions· In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until

light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time,beating well after each addition. Beat invanilla. Combine the flour, baking powder,salt and baking soda; add to the creamedmixture. Stir in the oats, raisins, cranberriesand orange peel. Stir in baking chips.

· Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart ontogreased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until the edges are lightlybrowned. Cool on wire racks. Yield: 6 dozen.

Italian Holiday CookiesIngredients

· 1 cup butter,softened

· 2 cups sugar· 3 eggs· 1 carton (15 ounces)

ricotta cheese· 2 teaspoons Spice

Islands® pure vanillaextract

· 4 cups all-purpose flour· 1 teaspoon salt· 1 teaspoon baking soda

FROSTING:

· 1/4 cup butter, softened· 3 to 4 cups confectioners' sugar· 1/2 teaspoon Spice Islands® pure vanilla

extract· 3 to 4 tablespoons milk· Colored sprinkles

Directions· In a bowl, cream butter and sugar. Add the

eggs, one at a time, beating well after eachaddition. Beat in ricotta and vanilla. Combineflour, salt and baking soda; gradually add tocreamed mixture.

· Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart ontogreased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 10-12 minutes or until lightly browned. Removeto wire racks to cool.

· In a bowl, cream butter, sugar and vanilla.Add enough milk until frosting reachesspreading consistency. Frost cooled cookiesand immediately decorate with sprinkles.Store in the refrigerator. Yield: 8-1/2 dozen.

Cookies


Page 25JANUARY 2012

Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen

White Chip Island CookiesIngredients

· 1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour· 3/4 teaspoon baking powder· 1/2 teaspoon baking soda· 1/2 teaspoon salt· 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks)butter or margarine,

softened· 3/4 cup packed brown sugar· 1/3 cup granulated sugar· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract· 1 large egg· 2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) White Morsels· 1 cup flaked coconut, toasted if desired· 3/4 cup chopped macadamia nuts or walnuts

DirectionsPREHEAT oven to 375° F.

COMBINE flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Beat in egg. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels, coconut and nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 8 to 11 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely

Candied Fruit CookiesIngredients

· 1/2 cup butter,softened

· 3/4 cup sugar· 1 egg· 1-1/4 cups all-

purpose flour· 1/2 teaspoon baking soda· 1/2 teaspoon salt· 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon· 2-1/2 cups pitted dates, chopped· 1/2 cup each chopped candied cherries

and pineapple· 3/4 cup coarsely chopped Brazil nuts,

toasted· 3/4 cup chopped almonds, toasted

Directions· In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar

until light and fluffy. Beat in egg.Combine the flour, baking soda, salt andcinnamon; gradually add to the creamedmixture and mix well. Fold in fruits andnuts.

· Drop by teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart ontogreased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for8-10 minutes or until lightly browned.Remove to wire racks. Yield: 7 dozen.

Cookies

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Page 26 JANUARY 2012Laughs&Lifts

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Samuri SUDoKuSamuri SUDoKu

MIKE HEATHDale County Commissioner

District 4Honest Leadership with Hometown Values.

Paid Political Adv. By Mike Heath 1758 CR 344 Ozark, AL 36360

CharityDewey collected lots ofmoney from trick-or-treating and he wentto the candy store tobuy some chocolate."You should give thatmoney to charity," saidthe sales girl.Dewey thought for amoment and said, "No,I'll buy the chocolate.You give the money tocharity."

"God answers allprayers. SometimesHe answers, 'Yes,'sometimes Heanswers, 'No,' andsometimes theanswer is, 'You gottabe kidding!'"

JURY DUTYWhen my mother wascalled for jury duty,she felt confident ofher ability to answerthe questions asked ofprospective jurors.As a young attorney,I had filled her in onwhat to expect.Asked about theoccupations of familymembers, Momanswered, "My son isa lawyer."As a follow-up, shewas asked if she hadever used the servicesof an attorney."Only to mow mylawn."


Page 27JANUARY 2012

If you received a poinsettia for Christmas you will noticethat the colored leaves are beginning to fall off. This isnormal and suppose to happen. Just know that theplant is looking toward a resting period so move theplant to a cooler, shadier place. Your plant may lookvery dismal. Water only when the dirt gets dry. In lateApril to Mid May, unless the stems are shriveled orturned brown, move the plant to a new pot and put theplant outside in a shady area. New leaves and shootsshould appear. The Christmas Cacti you received willdo very little growing in the winter. Like most cacti theyare comatose at this time of year. They like bright lightbut not direct light and cooler temperature. Hold offthe watering once blooming has stopped. When newsigns of growth appear, start watering again. This wouldbe a good time to repot the plant. Make sure the soilis well draining as the plants can easily rot. If you didnot receive a plant as a gift---- just gift yourself with aplant. For the novice plant grower, try a heartleafPhilodendron, Snake plant, Wandering Jew or a spiderplant. These plants are all easy to grow and are almostfoolproof and practically indestructible. The Snakeplant or mother-in-laws tongue is also a good plant toscrub the inside air. They need low light but do enjoy asplash of light on occasion. They are great for an officewith florescence lightening. Be sure the pot hasexcellent drainage. For the more adventuresome thereare the Philodendrons and Wondering Jews. They needfiltered light and a little water. Then there is the Spideror Airplane Plant. These wonders make great hangingbaskets and you can give your friends the tiny littleplants that grow out of the mother plant. Just snip offa baby plant and place it in a pot of soil leaf side up andwait for it to grow. With a little patience and some TLCyou can have a house full of plants..

THRIFT STORERECYCLE CENTER

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FAST FOOD"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What wasyour favorite fast food when you were growing up?""We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,"' I toldhim."All the food was slow.""C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?""It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandmacooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work,we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn'tlike what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there untilI did like it."By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid hewas going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tellhim the part about how I had to have permission to leavethe table.But here are some other things I would have told him aboutmy childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, setfoot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had acredit card. In their later years they had something called arevolving charge card. The card was good only at SearsRoebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way,there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This wasmostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had abicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had onespeed, (slow).We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, butmy grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic tocover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, andthe bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third wasred.

It was perfect for programs thathad scenes of fire trucks ridingacross someone's lawn on a sunnyday.Some people had a lens taped tothe front of the TV to make thepicture look larger.I was 13 before I tasted my firstpizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'When I bit into it, I burned the roofof my mouth and the cheese slidoff, swung down, plastered itselfagainst my chin and burned that,too. It's still the best pizza I everhad.We didn't have a car until I was 15.Before that, the only car in ourfamily was my grandfather's Ford.He called it a 'machine.'I never had a telephone in myroom. The only phone in the housewas in the living room and it wason a party line. Before you coulddial, you had to listen and makesure some people you didn't knowweren't already using the line.Pizzas were not delivered to ourhome. But milk was.All newspapers were delivered byboys and all boys deliverednewspapers. I delivered anewspaper, six days a week. Itcost 7 cents a paper, of which I gotto keep 2 cents. I had to get up at4 AM every morning. On Saturday,I had to collect the 42 cents frommy customers. My favoritecustomers were the ones who gaveme 50 cents and told me to keepthe change. My least favoritecustomers were the ones whoseemed to never be home oncollection day.Movie stars kissed with theirmouths shut. At least, they did inthe movies. Touching someoneelse's tongue with yours was calledFrench kissing and they didn't dothat in movies. I don't know whatthey did in French movies. Frenchmovies were dirty and we weren'tallowed to see them.

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When You AdvertiseWhen You Advertiseinin LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts

you put your messageyou put your messagein the hands of 40,000in the hands of 40,000 readers in 5 counties. readers in 5 counties.Call Roger ParrisCall Roger Parrishh

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Page 29JANUARY 2012

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*All loans subject to our liberal credit policy and limitations, if any.



HOW BUSINESS IS DONEYou see a gorgeous girl at aparty.You go up to her and say, "I amvery rich. Marry me!"That's Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunchof friends and see a gorgeousgirl.One of your friends goes up toher and pointing at you andsays,"He's very rich. Marry him."That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at aparty.You go up to her and get hertelephone number.The next day you call and say,"Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see agorgeous girl.You get up and straighten yourtie; You open the door for her;pick up her bag after she dropsit, offer her a ride, and thensay, "By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?"That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see agorgeous girl.She walks up to you and says,"You are very rich."That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at aparty.You go up to her and say, "I'mrich. Marry me"She gives you a nice hard slapon your face.That's Customer Feedback!!!!

Do You Live In Enterprise, Troy, Andalusia, Eufaula, Fort Walton Beach,Prattville, Auburn, Panama City, Montgomery, Albany, or Thomasville?

Do you have sales or graphic design experience?

SERIOUS INCOME POTENTIAL!!

THE OLDER CROWDA distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

'Is it true,' she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribedhas to be taken for the rest of my life?”'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,“I'm wondering, then,Just how serious is my condition,

because this prescription is marked “NO REPEATS”

These 4 New Year picturesare hidden in ads through out

this month’s LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLiftsFor a chance to Win $100 in Gift Certificates

Find all 4 New Year Pictures& FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

Mail or E-Mail the name of the 4 business’ whereyou found the pictures , along with Your Name,

Phone # and Address, to: Parrish PublishingP.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361

Or email same to [email protected] the subject line “Happy New Year”.

NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Jan. 20th


Page 31JANUARY 2012

If you can't be a shining

example, then just serve

as a horrible warning.

Christening Champagne

When we moved into our newhome, the first one we ownedrather than rented, two of myhusband's friends gave him abottle of champagne.In the hustle and bustle ofgetting settled, the gift wastucked away and temporarilyforgotten.Three months later we held aChristening party for our thirdchild.Champagne flowed incelebration until, runningshort, we remembered ourhousewarming gift.In front of our guests, Iopened the attached card andread it aloud, "Donald, takegood care of this one, it'syours!"

HOW DID YOU DO IT?A man went to the PoliceStation wishing to speak withthe burglar who had brokeninto his house the nightbefore."You'll get your chance incourt," said the DeskSergeant."No, no, no!" said the man. "Iwant to know how he got intothe house without waking mywife. I've been trying to dothat for years!"

DALE COUNTYCOMMISSIONER DISTRICT 4

PAID POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENT BY WES STRICKLAND 363 CR 333 SKIPPERVILLE, AL 36374

FROM:FROM:Parrish PublishingParrish Publishing

P.O. Box 681P.O. Box 681Ozark, AlabamaOzark, Alabama 334-379-7603 334-379-7603

TO:TO:


JANUARY 2012

POSTAGE

“Serving this fine community since 1905”

334-588-2211

Community Pride

24 HOURTELEPHONE BANKING

334-588-2212

24 HOURONLINE BANKING

FNBHARTFORD.COM

101 South Third Street • Hartford, Al

First National Bank Of Hartford

1000 BUSINESS CARDS1000 BUSINESS CARDSFull Color •• Both Sides

$49.00

334-379-7603Printing ServicesPrinting Services

Documents

Laughs&Lifts January 2012