Laughs&Lifts Family magazine

PAGE 1 Street Talk America LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family! Issue # 1 June 2011 PAGE 1

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Misfortune or DisasterTwo philosophers were sitting ata restaurant, discussing whetheror not there was a differencebetween misfortune and disaster.

“There is most certainly adifference,” said one. “If the cooksuddenly died and we couldn’thave our dinner that would be amisfortune __ but certainly not adisaster. On the other hand, if acruise ship carrying the Congresswas to sink in the middle of theocean, that would be a disasterbut by no stretch of theimagination would it be amisfortune.

What did thespider email to

the fly?

Visit my Web site!

What’s Making MeFAT!

I finally figured out why Iam getting fat! I should

have figured it outsooner.

It's the shampoo I use inthe shower. When I wash

my hair, the shampooruns down my whole

body. Printed very clearlyon the shampoo label it

reads, "FOR EXTRAVOLUME AND BODY."

I have gotten rid of theshampoo and I am goingto start using Dawn dishsoap. On its label reads,"DISSOLVES FAT THAT

IS OTHERWISEDIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem Solved!

Female Hormones

Recently scientists revealed thatbeer contains small traces offemale hormones.To prove their theory, the scientistsfed 100 men twelve bottles of beereach. The scientists observed that100% of the male test group gainedweight, talked excessively withoutmaking sense, became emotional,and couldn't drive.No further testing is planned.

Wise men talkbecause theyhave somethingto say, Foolstalk because

they have to saysomething.



"Men's Thesaurus""IT'S A GUY THING"Translated: "There is no rationalthought pattern connected with it,and you have no chance at all ofmaking it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated: "Why isn't it alreadyon the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR"YES, DEAR"Translated: Absolutely nothing.It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TOEXPLAIN"Translated: "I have no idea how itworks."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'REWORKING TOO HARD."Translated: "I can't hear thegame over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MYMEMORY IS."Translated: "I remember thetheme song to 'F Troop,' theaddress of the first girl I everkissed, and the vehicleidentification number of every carI've ever owned... but I forgotyour birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUTMYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated: "I have actuallysevered a limb but will bleed todeath before I admit that I'mhurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FORWHAT I'M DOING."Translated: "And I sure hope Ithink of some pretty soon."

Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Anyresemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purelycoincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,

helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and picturesare published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination orother named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 [email protected]

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GlassesMy grandson, Chris, has wornglasses since the age of three.When he was in the first gradehe came home one day verydistressed. Wanting to find out what wasthe matter his mother asked,"Chris, what happened today toupset you so?"

He answered, "It's not fair thatI'm not allowed to go to thelibrary."

His mother became veryconcerned and asked, "Whyaren't you allowed to go to thelibrary?"

With a tearful reply he said,"Because, in order to go to thelibrary you have to have"supervision", and I wearglasses!"

I Want A RaiseEmployee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employeeof this prestigious firm for over ten years.Boss: Yes.Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would likea raise. I currently have four companies after me and so Idecided to talk to you first.Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this isjust not the right time.Employee: I understand your position, and I know that thecurrent economic down turn has had a negative impact onsales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work,pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering Idon't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a tenpercent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. Howdoes that sound?Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companieswere after you?Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, WaterCompany and the Mortgage Company!

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How it got started…Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Websterwould sit down and try to talk to his wife. But assoon as he would start to say something, his wifesaid, ....."And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Secure The BuildingOne reason the Military Services have troubleoperating jointly is that they don't speak the samelanguage. For example, if you told Navy personnelto "secure a building," they would turn off the lightsand lock the doors. The Army would occupy thebuilding so no one could enter. Marines wouldassault the building, capture it, and defend it withsuppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, onthe other hand, would take out a three-year leasewith an option to buy.

A man asks a trainer in the gym:"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machinecan I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside thegym!!!"



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Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to getsome needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent andClorox. So off I went.I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkoutcounter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to beabout sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy torealize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the airand declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned andsaw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened andsurprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?""My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly."Wow," I said, "that's a cool name! I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve.""Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked.“Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny?""How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle."You're fifteen-years-old Denny. Now be a good boy and let the man pass by."I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles andschool. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone'sattention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son.She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him.I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something. I have no idea where it came from, otherthan by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses inGod's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty anddistinctiveness.You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touchthat rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?"Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden."She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had tears in my eyes.May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time tosmile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This couldbe your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or theirfamily. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how youmade them feel!



The Blonde At A Restaurant.A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sitting at a restaurant and the waiter tells them there is a magicmirror in the rest room. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if youlie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead stands in front of the mirror. "Ithink that I am the most beautiful person in this restaurant." And the Redhead walks out with a brand new redcar. Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think I’m the smartest person in thisrestaurant." And she gets a million dollars. Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," Ithink..." POOF! She disappears.

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Never Retire? Don’t Count on It

If there is anyone who shouldn’t have to worryabout retirement, one might assume it would be thewealthy. But in a recent survey, just 40% ofwealthy individuals “completely agree” that theyare “totally confident” they will have enoughmoney for retirement.1And the rest? Apparently, most of them have decidedthey aren’t going to worry about it: 60% said they willshun traditional retirement and work as long aspossible. The percentage rises to 70% among thoseages 45 and younger.2Since 1991, the median retirement age hasremained at or near 62.4 The percentage of workerswho expect to retire after age 65 has tripled over thepast two decades — from 11% in 1991 to 33% in2010.5 But the ages at which most people retirehaven’t changed as dramatically. In 1991, 79% ofretirees left the workforce before age 65; in 2010, itwas 61%.6Many people are forced to retire early. In 2010,41% of retirees stopped working earlier than theyexpected to. This is not unusual. Since 2000, thepercentage of people that retired earlier than plannedin a given year has varied between 36% and 51%.Certainly, some people (24%) retire early because theycan afford to, but just 5% gave only positive reasonsfor doing so. The most common reasons for retiringahead of schedule were poor health (54%), work-related reasons including downsizing and closure(37%), and the need to care for a spouse or familymember (19%).7Working in retirement is not as common as youmight think. In 2010, 70% of workers were expectingto work for pay in retirement. Despite this high levelof determination, only 23% of retirees were actuallyworking.8Believing that you will work forever or retire late inlife could lull you into a false sense of security. You



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LIVING WILLA man and his wife were sitting in theliving room discussing a “Living Will”"Just so you know, I never want to livein a vegetative state, dependent onsome machine and fluids from a bottle.If that ever happens, just pull the plug."His wife got up, unplugged the TV andthrew out all the beer.



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Hello, Let me introduce myself. I love to garden andenjoy the out of doors and I’d like to share sometips with you to help your yard be the envy of theneighborhood.You can still add color and excitement to your yardby sowing Sunflowers, Zina and Marigolds fromseed. Be sure to keep the moisture levels up in thesoil with regular water and consistent watering.Mulching helps too. Be sure to water roses deeply;really soak the ROOTS but not often.Harvest your vegetables daily to keep the plantsproducing. The whole object of the plant is toproduce seeds and then they die. If you break thecycle with daily picking you make the plant keeptrying and get more produce.. The same procedureworks with flowers. After the plant blooms, be sureto snip the whole flower off the plant.To make you yard mowing easier try reducing thosehard to reach area with borders and flowers beds.Sumer heat may prevent you from enjoying yourgarden but don’t let it keep you from planting awater garden. It’s a whole new experience.Happy Gardening,

Sharon,

Daleville Garden Center

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your future.

"One Carton and Six Eggs"This is a story which is perfectly logical to allmales:A wife asks her husband, "Could you please goshopping for me and buy one carton of milk, andif they have eggs, get 6."A short time later the husband comes back with 6cartons of milk.The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6cartons of milk?"He replied, "They had eggs."

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My Son This is great. Take a moment to read it; it willmake your day!

The ending will surprise you.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rareworks of art. They had everything in their collection,from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sittogether and admire the great works of art..

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son wentto war. He was very courageous and died in battlewhile rescuing other soldiers. The father wasnotified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, therewas a knock at the door. A young man stood at thedoor with a large package in his hands..

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am thesoldier for whom your son gave his life. He savedmany lives that day, and he was carrying me tosafety when a bullet struck him in the heart and hedied instantly... He often talked about you, and yourlove for art.' The young man held out this package.'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist,but I think your son would have wanted you to havethis.'

The father Opened the package. It was a portrait ofhis son, painted by the young man. He stared inawe at the way the soldier had captured thepersonality of his son in the painting. The fatherwas so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welledup with tears. He thanked the young man andoffered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, Icould never repay what your son did for me. It's agift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Everytime visitors came to his home he took them to seethe portrait of his son before he showed them anyof the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be agreat auction of his paintings. Many influentialpeople gathered, excited over seeing the greatpaintings and having an opportunity to purchaseone for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. Theauctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start thebidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid forthis picture?'

There was silence...

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted,

'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip thisone.'

CONTINUED ON PAGE 20



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Walk-Thru Indoor ExhibitWalk-Thru Indoor ExhibitLive, Learn,

and LoveA Farm Animal

The Midterm Exam

The professor of a graduate-schoolclass of gifted students included ahuge amount of material on themidterm exam.Tension in the room built, peoplewere sighing and gasping aloud asthey realized how much material theyhad covered and were expected torecall.The following week the professortossed the graded papers on her deskand announced, "class, after I lefthere last week, the Lord spoke to me.He said,' thanks, professor. I haven'theard from some of those people inyears.

I Got Your Goat!Who says today's kids aren'tsmart? At a high school inMontana a group of highschoolers played a prank on theschool. They let 3 goats loose inthe school. Before they let themgo they painted numbers on thesides of the goats. 1-2-4.

Local school administrators spentmost of the day looking for #3.

"Kids and Cliches"A fourth grade teacher, as a funassignment gave the studentsthe beginning of a list of famoussayings and asked them toprovide original endings for eachone. Here are some of those.

- The grass is always greenerwhen you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greenerwhen you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a realmess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candlethan to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before Iopen my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear buthomework.

LAUGHS

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Aunt T’sKitchen

Mom’s Custard PieIngredients

1 unbaked pastry shell (9inches)

4 eggs1/2 cup sugar1/4 teaspoon salt1 teaspoon vanilla extract2-1/2 cups milk1/4 teaspoon ground

nutmegDirections

· Line unpricked pastry shell with a doublethickness of heavy-duty foil. Bake at 450°for 8 minutes. Remove foil; bake 5 minuteslonger. Remove from the oven and set aside.

· Separate one egg; set the white aside. Ina bowl, beat the yolk and remaining eggsjust until combined. Blend in the sugar, saltand vanilla. Stir in milk. Beat reserved eggwhite until stiff peaks form; fold into eggmixture.

· Carefully pour into crust. Cover edges ofpie with foil. Bake at 350° for 25 minutes.Remove foil; bake 15-20 minutes longer oruntil a knife inserted near the center comesout clean. Cool on a wire rack. Sprinkle withnutmeg. Store in the refrigerator.

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Cool Lime PieIngredients

· 8 ounces) cream cheese, softened· 1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk· 6 ounces limeade concentrate· 4 drops green food coloring, optional· 1 carton (8 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed, divided· 1 graham cracker crust (9 inches)· 1 kiwifruit, peeled and sliced Mandarinoranges and chopped pistachios, optional

Directions· In a large bowl, beat cream cheese and

milk until smooth. Beat in limeade and foodcoloring if desired. Fold in half of thewhipped topping.Pour into crust.Cover andrefrigerate for 2hours. Garnish withkiwi, remainingwhipped topping,oranges andpistachios ifdesired. Yield: 6-8servings.



Strawberry Banana PieIngredients

Crust2-1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs1/2 cup sugar1-1/2 sticks butter, melted

Filling8 ounces cream cheese3/4 cup confectioners sugar2 cups chopped walnuts2 medium bananas, sliced1 quart strawberries, sliced8 ounces Whipped Topping

DIRECTIONSCrust: Mix crumbs, sugar, and butter togetherAnd press into 2 deep-dish, 9 inch pie pans.Bake at 325 degrees for 10 minutes.Filling: Use beater and mix cream cheese andConfectioners sugar together. Divide betweenthe 2 crusts evenly and spread along bottom.Sprinkle on top of the cream cheese a layer ofchopped walnuts. Next layer sliced bananas andthen a layer of sliced strawberries.Divide Whipped Topping and spread evenly overthe pies. Top with another layer of walnuts.

Frozen Hawaiian PieIngredients

· 1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk· 1 carton (12 oz) frozen Cool Whip, thawed· 1 can (20 oz) crushed pineapple, drained· 2/3 cup chopped walnuts or pecans· 2/3 cup chopped maraschino cherries· 1/2 cup flaked coconut· 2 tablespoons lemon juice· 2 graham cracker crusts (9 inches)· Fresh mint and additional walnuts & cherries

Directions· In a large bowl, combine milk and whipped

topping. Fold in the pineapple, nuts, cherries,lemon juice and coconut. Pour half into eachcrust. Freeze until firm, about 4 hours.

· Remove from the freezer 20 minutes beforeserving. Garnish with mint, additional nuts &cherries. Yied: 2 pies (6-8 servings each).

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You want to know about my employmenthistory??

Well...My first job was working in an orange juicefactory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me theax.After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn'tsuited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.Next I tried working in a muffler factory but thatwas too exhausting.I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way Isliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.My best job was being a musician, buteventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.I studied a long time to become a doctor, but Ididn't have any patience.I became a professional fisherman, butdiscovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a poolmaintenance company, but the work was justtoo draining.I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I wasfired because I wasn't up to it.After many years of trying to find steady work, Ifinally got a job as a historian until I realizedthere was no future in it.My last job was working at Starbucks, but I hadto quit because it was always the same oldgrind.So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for thejob!

In An Instant!

Many years ago, an older gentleman fromEurope, was visiting his son in America for thevery first time. He said he wanted to go with his son to thesupermarket, so his son invited him along. As he went up & down the aisles with his son,at the local Food Store, he constantly asked hisson questions about products he saw. "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" heasked (pointing at Tang). His son said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a littlewater, and you have fresh orange juice." A few minutes later, in a different aisle, hisdad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"(pointing at a box of Carnation). The son said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a littlewater, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle, thedad yelled out, "Und give a look here!! BabyPowder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"

Success"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of

intelligent people and the affection of children; toearn the appreciation of honest critics and endure

the betrayal of false friends; to appreciatebeauty, to find the best in others; to leave the

world a little better; whether by a healthy child, agarden patch or a redeemed social condition; toknow even one life has breathed easier becauseyou have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson



Walking In The LightWallave Kennedy, Jr.

When I was a child, we loved toplay out-side, not like today whenmost children are in-side playingsome sort of computerize game.One of the favorite times of theyear was when day-light savingtime came and we moved the clockforward that one hour in the springtime. This time of year it would get

dark around or about 8 o’clock in the evening, allowingmore time to play. The light exposes all things around youand darkness cannot exist. There always seem be great joy,peace, fun and activities when we are “walking in thelight.”As Christians we all want to reach a point when we seemore light than darkness in each day, when the darkness ofdiscouragement gives way to the light of joy and hope asthe Son (Jesus) rises anew in our life. The light that Christprovides exposes obstacles that can cause us to stumbleand fall.Until that light appears, removing the darkness from oureyes, and illuminating things that we were once never ableto see. John 1:5 And the light shineth in darkness; and thedarkness comprehended it not. We can use the darkness asa time to meditate and reflect on the unchanging characterand nature of God. While darkness may affect how we seeHim, darkness does not change Him.Ask God to walk with you through the stages of your darknight. Remember who He is and what He has done for you.

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"Car Accident Honesty"

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place butbashed the bumper of the parked car in front ofhim.Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for abus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, andproceeded to write a note to leave on the windshieldof the car he had hit.The note read:"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are somepeople here watching me who think that I amwriting this note to leave you my name, phonenumber, and driver's license number, but I am not."

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Solution Page 20

ATAT

HOW BIG IS GOD?

A little girl, on the way home from church,turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, thepreacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?"The girl replied, "Well, he said that God isbigger than we are. Is that true?""Yes, that's true," the mother replied."He also said that God lives within us. Is thattrue, too?"Again the mother replied, "Yes.""Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger than usand He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

I like that little girl's way of putting it. If Godlives in us, then there's no way of keeping Himfrom "showing through." That's the essence ofChristian living - living in such a way thatpeople around will see God in our lives."Let your light so shine before men, that theymay see your good works and glorify yourFather in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).Is God showing through in YOUR life?



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One Liner

"Whatever women do theymust do twice as well as

men to be thought half asgood. Luckily, this is not

difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

Clean Quote

"Education: the path fromcocky ignorance to

miserable uncertainty." -Mark Twain

XXOO

During a conference, I waspleasantly surprised to be seatednext to a very handsome man.

We flirted casually throughdinner, then grew restless as the

dignitaries gave speeches.During one particularly long-

winded lecture, my new frienddrew a # sign on a cocktail

napkin. Excited, I wrote down myphone number.

Looking startled for a moment, heflipped the napkin over and drewanother # sign, this time adding

an X to the upper-left-handcorner.

OLD STORY

I heard this story in the lateseventies. Just prior to a mannedlaunch an insect was heard in thesuperstructure of the rocket. Therisk analysis and decision had to

be made to launch or to delay thelaunch and purge the insect. Therisk was negligible so the rocketlaunch. The insect was dubbed

the Gemini Cricket

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Continued From Page 12

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bidfor this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100,$200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see thispainting.

We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts.

Get on with the Real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued.

'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of theroom. It was the longtime gardener of the man andhis son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...' Being apoor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't wantthe picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for theircollections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel.. 'Going once,twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Nowlet's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, theauction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct thisauction, I was told of a secret stipulation in thewill... I was not allowed to reveal that stipulationuntil this time. Only the painting of the son wouldbe auctioned. Whoever bought that painting wouldinherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son over 2,000 years ago to die onthe Cross. Much like the auctioneer, His messagetoday is: ' The Son, the Son, who'll take the Son?'

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son getseverything!

[email protected]@live.com



3. Salmon & trout genus4. Rest on your knees

5. Salt & pepper utensils6. Inflicts an injury7. About aviation

8. Established practice9. For use of the train crew

10. Fleshy seed cover11. A main mass or amount

12. Where wine ferments(abbr.)

13. Exclamation of approval21. Not all

22. Pesetas (abbr.)27. Draft horse curved collar

piece28. Hollies

29. A list of restaurant dishes30. 15th day of March

31. One who colors cloth32. Uncommon

33. Araxes34. Uruguayan monetary unit

39. Not an egalitarian40. Art __, 1925: 40 style

41. Be earlier in time42. Former Italian currency

44. A hereditary ruler45. Attach firmly

48. S. Am. Indians49. A formal proclamation

50. Southeast Asia Treaty Org.51. Simple rural vacation

retreat (Fr.)52. British School

53. B____ box: contains 26Across

54. Civil rights leader Parks55. Owns

56. High Swiss mountain

SOLUTION PAGE 23

CLUES ACROSS1. Face covering disguise

5. An equal exchange9. Taxi driver

14. M____: 1998 Disney movie15. One who manually

cultivates16. Island off Venezuela17. World's longest river

18. Light around a saint's head19. Male goat

20. 11th President23. Flew alone

24. O.J. Simpson judge25. Married woman

26. Thinly sliced raw fish31. Hanging window cloths

35. Closed hermetically36. Agile, lively (nautical)

37. Moonfish genus38. Removed by rubbing

41. Rete43. Common shoe repair45. Last weekday (abbr.)46. Devoid of warmth and

cordiality47. Eagle nests

51. _________ up, irk55. Hispaniola country

57. S____ Monica or Barbara58. Italian aloha

59. Countertenors60. Remain as is

61. Performs in a play62. Drained of energy63. A shade of color

64. Covered Greek colonnade

CLUES DOWN1. Tough Asiatic grass

2. Fake name

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Congratulations to Wilson Dyess

of Elba for winning the “Find The BirdHouses” Contest in our May edition.Wilson won Free admission for two to Pat’sSecret Garden in Ozark, A Free oil changefrom Weeks Tire Co. in Elba, a $15 GiftCertificate for food or drink from JustFolks Coffee House in Elba and Freeadmission for 2 adults and 2 children worth$28 to McClelland Zoo Critters in Banks.I thank all the many individuals andfamilies who entered this month. We thankGod for our readers and give Him all thecredit. We also thank the faithfuladvertisers. If it wasn’t for the advertisers,this magazine would not be possible, so saya prayer for them. They are hard workingsmall town business owners; many of themare your friends and neighbors. Be sure totell them that you appreciate themadvertising.

Roger

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1519 Andrews Ave.Ozark, Alabama

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ALBERT AND COSTELLO

You have to be old enough to remember Abbottand Costello, and too old to REALLY understandcomputers, to fully appreciate this.If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might haveturned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROMABBOTTABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in myden and I'm thinking about buying a computer.ABBOTT: Mac?COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.ABBOTT: Your computer?COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buyone.ABBOTT: Mac?COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.ABBOTT: What about Windows?COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when Ilook at the windows?ABBOTT: Wallpaper.COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need acomputer and software.ABBOTT: Software for Windows?COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I needsomething I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?ABBOTT: Office.COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can yourecommend anything?ABBOTT: I just did.COSTELLO: You just did what?ABBOTT: Recommend something.COSTELLO: You recommended something?ABBOTT: Yes.COSTELLO: For my office?ABBOTT: Yes.COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for myoffice?ABBOTT: Office.COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and Iwant to type a proposal. What do I need?ABBOTT: Word.COSTELLO: What word?ABBOTT: Word in Office.COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click theblue 'W'.COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if youdon't start with some straight answers. Whatabout financial bookkeeping? You have anything Ican track my money with?ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with mycomputer? How much?ABBOTT: One copy.COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copymoney?ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!(A few days later)ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... .........


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