LIBERTY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

A COMPARISON PAPER: HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE BY SANDRA WILSON

A PAPER SUBMITTED TO DR. JOHNNY BAKER

IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR

THE COURSE PACO 507 D01– THEOLOGY AND SPIRITUALITY IN COUNSELNG

BYROBERT E. TEVIS III

BELLEFONTE, PATUESDAY, JULY 30, 2013

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A COMPARISON PAPER: DR. WILSON’S HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

Dr. Sandra Wilson has written a book entitled Hurt People Hurt People1 that calls

counselors to great empathy for the people they encounter. Wilson’s basic premise is that

everyone is a hurt person. This means that at some time in their lives they will hurt other people,

because hurt people hurt people. She relies heavily on the Freudian notion that trauma in

childhood can explain a lot of the problems that exist today in life. She rightly teaches that when

children grow up in hurtful homes, they do not learn the basics of healthy relationships.2 The

counselor is called to help people see truth and then change accordingly.

SUMMARY: The author’s theory/methodology

1. Primary goal (What is the desired outcome?)

The primary goal for Dr. Wilson is to help counselees produce needed change. Her

formula is explained as: New Choices + Consistent Practice = Change.3 She teaches that “if we

want new consequences, we must make new choices. And if we do, our lives will change.”4 For

real change, however, the counselor must help people get past shame and deception. Deception

flows in two directions: inward (as we try to convince ourselves) and outward (as we try to

convince others) that “we are strong and invincible instead of weak, wounded, and easily hurt.”5

This deception produces shame that binds and blinds us. Shame is “the soul-deep belief that

something is horribly wrong with me that is not wrong with anyone else in the entire world.”6

1 Dr. Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People (Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House, 2001).2 Ibid., Kindle Locations 1993-1994.3 Ibid., Kindle Location 1373.4 Ibid., Kindle Locations 1366-1367.5 Ibid., Kindle Locations 457-458.6 Ibid., Kindle Locations 197-198.

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2. Development of problems and personal need (How do the issues come about?)

Problems arise from us being hurt! “Wilson’s Law of Relationships says, ‘Hurt people

hurt people.’”7 Dr. Wilson believes that children become hurt because they cannot satisfactory

answer three questions: “Can I Be Safe? Can I Be Me? Can I Be Accepted?”8 Physical, sexual,

emotional, intellectual, verbal or spiritual neglect, or abuse is too common.9 Only now are we

“beginning to comprehend the widespread prevalence” of violence and abuse, problems that has

been with us for centuries.10 It gets worse, considering that “we are most apt to wound those

near and dear to us.”11

Problems also do not have to be realized or admitted. When pain is real, the wounds are

also real, “even though they remain unseen.”12 The pain and problems all stem from our fallen

state. Dr. Wilson summarizes, “defection from our created condition triggered a complete

disabling of every aspect of our humanness.”13

3. Biblical integration (How much of the Bible is used in this methodology?)

Dr. Wilson makes the Gospel the center of the healing process. She states that “God

makes forgiveness a centerpiece of our healing process because living in unforgiveness is so

much worse.”14 She teaches that denial of truth and forgiveness “impedes the healing we long to

experience.”15 She points the counselor this forgiveness in Scripture, especially in her

Appendixes. With titles like, “Discovering Your True Identity;” “Representative Biblical

7 Ibid., Kindle Location 174.8 Ibid., Kindle Locations 1127-1129.9 Ibid., Kindle Locations 83-84.10 Gary R. Collins. Christian Counseling, third edition: A Comprehensive Guide (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2007), 399.11 Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People, Kindle Locations 105-106.12 Ibid., Kindle Location 374.13 Ibid., Kindle Locations 376-377.14 Ibid., Kindle Locations 3423-3424.15 Ibid., Kindle Location 3300.

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Principles of Relating;” and “Some Attributes of God;” these Appendixes are helpful tools to

point people to the Bible during the counseling process.

4. Formula for change (the author’s stated steps to the desired outcome)

As shared above, Dr. Wilson believes that change comes from new choices and

consistent new practices over a period of time. She also introduce readers to the “Healing

Overview and Progress Evaluation (H.O.P.E.)” charts.16 This covers multiple areas of needed

change, but helps counselors focus on three areas: Seeing Truth; New Choices; and New

Practices. This corresponds well with Dr. Mark McCinn’s three areas for change: “accurate

sense of self (see truth), an accurate sense of need (make new choices), and healing relationships

(adjust your life with others consistently).”17

Dr. Wilson also believes that God must be involved in the change process. She writes,

“Our wise and loving God resurrects our hope because He knows, far more than we, that without

hope, we die.”18 Hope from God is so important. She points out that those surveyed who said

they do not have hope for the future, “twenty-nine percent died three to seven years later; of

those who had hope, only 11 percent died in the same time period.”19

5. Balance of theology and spirituality (Does the author lean more to theology or

spirituality?)

Dr. Wilson leans on spirituality. As stated above, she does point people to Scripture in

the Appendix and somewhat through the H.O.P.E. charts. She believes that a person must

encounter truth about themselves and who they are in God. She is not explicit as many would

16 Ibid., first introduced in Kindle Locations 1921-1922.17 Mark R. McMinn. Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality in Christian Counseling. (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale 1996), 45-48.18 Sandra Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People, Kindle Location 3806.19 Ibid., Kindle Locations 4165-4167.

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like, as she does not deal with whether someone needs to encounter Truth as embodied in Jesus

Christ. The truth about people’s situation is important to face, but the Truth transforms.

6. Human personality (development and structure)

Dr. Wilson teaches that humans are deprave. “Scripture clearly states that each of us is

utterly ruined by sin and completely guilty before God. No one can be more ruined than

“utterly”; nor more guilty than ‘completely.’”20 She mixes this, however, with blaming parents

or even a judgmental church for people’s problems. She shares that “MOST OF OUR adult life

problems are the result of childhood solutions. In other words, something happened a long time

ago that hurt us.”21 She shares that one in four girls, and one in seven boys, will be victims of

sexual abuse before the age of eighteen.22 Even if people have been abused, where is the

responsibility of how they act today as adults?

7. Counselor’s function and role (What does the counselor/counselee relationship look

like?)

Of the four roles of a counselor (Mechanic, Athletic Coach, Optometrist, or Survival

Guide), Dr. Wilson believes that counselors should be a survival guide. There is pain in this

world and people need a guide to get out of it! The counselor is to give people the tools to see

the truth of their situation and God; discover new possible choices, make a decision to live out

these new choices and then consistently practice them. This means that the healing comes from

the work of the counselee as the counselor empathically guides them.

20 Ibid., Kindle Locations 201-202.21 Ibid., Kindle Locations 1328-1330 .22 Ibid., Kindle Locations 774-775.

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8. Major contribution to counseling (How does this theory impact counseling?)

Dr. Wilson contributes to counseling by reminding us that we need EMPATHY! We

cannot seriously serve people and guide them without understanding that they have been hurt.

Why do people hurt others? Because they have been hurt! The idea is to help people discover

the source of their pain and deal with it.

One of Dr. Wilson’s premises is: “If I overpower, dominate, and abuse you today, it

temporarily numbs the pain I still have because I was overpowered, dominated, and abused

yesterday.”23 This also helps the counselor get at the root for poor behavior.

9. Limitations of this counseling theory (What are the practical boundaries of this

methodology?)

There are two areas that are limitations to Dr. Wilson’s theories. First, she admits that

“most parents work hard to provide loving, appropriate care for their children.”24 Her analysis

that hurt people hurt people put the blame on parents for adult behavior. At some point, people

need to take responsibility and not blame their parents. Second, Dr. Wilson does not explicitly

address a person’s need to find forgiveness at the cross. She hints at this, but goes on to suggest

that persons need to create a “Stewardship of Weakness.”25 In other words, can a person really

be free in Christ? Do they need to always to be weak in the area of their pain? This is not

explored in this book.

23 Ibid., Kindle Locations 447-448.24 Ibid., Kindle Location 697.25 Ibid., Kindle Location 3814.

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10. Classification (nouthetic, biblical, Christian, Christian psychology, integrational,

etc.)

Dr. Wilson uses Christian integrational techniques with psychology and Spirituality. She relies

on the Freudian notion that childhood trauma produces adult behavior, but also incorporates the

Bible.

PRACTICAL APPLICATION

1. Give practical application to each author’s material as relates to the utility for the

overall discipline of counseling and the specific potential influence upon your life and

ministry.

While it may be simplistic, Dr. Wilson’s formula is powerful. New choices plus

consistent practice does equal change in God’s timing! This equation is a great tool for my

ministry as I counsel people who want a quick fix. Often they come looking for easy-to-do

advice, but I am reminded by Dr. Wilson that I need to help them discover their new choices.

Her approach reminds me to include tender-hearted empathy (they’ve been hurt!) while helping

people identify their wounds. If hurt people hurt people, then I can empathize with both victims

and victimizers.

Dr. Wilson’s book also helps me in identifying the process for change: identify the

wound caused by past hurts; discover Scripture affirmations; replace the distorted view of life

and of God with Biblical truth; make new choices based on the new perspective; and then make

consistent changes in life over the long haul. This process may be tough, but with the right

loving encouragement it can happen!

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2. Give a brief example of how this author’s book might impact a counseling moment.

In my ministry among the Pennsylvania Dutch culture in Central Pennsylvania, I have

seen people believe that emotions are untrustworthy. This leads them to have shame about how

they feel. Dr. Wilson reminds me that we must bind shame. She gives an example of how we

need to move from the shame-bound lie about emotions to the shame-free truth. The lie is that

“emotions are unnecessary, bothersome, unspiritual, and embarrassing. I need to work on

eliminating them.” The truth is: “emotions are a gift from God and an integral part of our human

natures which reflect His image. Jesus came to take away our sins, not our feelings.”26 Just by

sharing this alone, can help many people in the area I serve.

26 Ibid., Kindle Locations 3939-3943.

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Reference

Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling, third edition: A Comprehensive Guide. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2007.

McMinn, Mark R. Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality in Christian Counseling. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale 1996.

Wilson, Sandra. Hurt People Hurt People. Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House, 2001.