How to have difficult conversations

© Mark Norman, 2017, All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or

by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, photocopying or otherwise, without written permission

of the copyright holder.

Cool DownManage your

emotions

Climb Down

Climb down the ladder of inference

and start get curious

Before having a difficult conversation

Reframe

Change your frame of reference

2

Before:

Cool Down

Manage your emotions

How to cool down• Ask your self two silent questions:

• What happened?

• What are my objectives?

• Breathe

• Relax

3

Check your thinking• What do I know about the situation? (stick to

the facts)

• What don’t I know?

• What inferences am I making?

• What inferences do I need to let go of?

Before

Climb Down

Manage your thought process

4

Before:

Reframe

Move out from under the blanket

Ask yourself:• What am I trying to build?(outcomes and relationships)

• What needs am I trying to meet? (business, personal)

• What are some of the qualities and contributions the other person brings to the table?

• What may be at stake for them?

• What would a good solution need to include?

5

During:

Engage with a collaborative

approachTake the steps to

create collaboration and solve problems

Build an inclusive picture of the situation rather than putting needs in opposition

Create agreements that include as many needs as you can

• Listen to decipher needs• Descriptively state what you need• Instead of arguing, ask more questions• Tie back to TTTBTBOU

• Start with an inclusive question (How can we meet both sets of needs?)• Try to build on ideas (How could we take that idea and also make it

work for…?)• Summarize your agreements while you proceed (So up to date, we

both…)

6

Use Focused DIALOGUE

Open

Frame the

conversation

appreciatively

State the objective

and importance of

the conversation

Share expectations

50-50 rule

Build Common

Understanding

Share all relevant

information

Ask questions to

clarify and

understand

Explain your

perspective clearly

50-50 rule

Generate

Options

Brainstorm

possibilities or review

ideas that meet

criteria

Assess and adjust for

Wisest Possible

Outcome

50-50 rule

Close the

Conversation

Review agreements

Determine follow-up

plan

Affirm trust

50-50 rule

7

On the receiving end of criticism?

Accept

Right size and accept

Ask more questions

Dismiss

Cool down

Reframe

Listen and learn

Accurate?

Partially accurate?

Unsure?

Inaccurate?

Key Skill: Ask good questionsControl Oriented Questions Questions that help move to understanding and resolution

Didn’t you know that…?• Discover their data

o What are you seeing that…

o “What’s your perspective on ….?”

Isn’t it obvious that…?• Seek Clarity Appreciatively

o Not “What’s your proof?” but “Help me understand your thinking on this.”

o “Do you see it differently?”

What were you thinking when you…?• Draw Out Their Reasoning

o “How does that relate to your other concern?”

Doesn’t your idea undermine…?• Test What They Say In Broader Contexts

o How would your proposal affect…”

o “Is this similar too…”

Why don’t you…?

• Examine solutionso What could we try that would satisfy both of our concerns?

o How could we make your idea work for both of us?

What are you going to do…?• Move to action

o What are we agreeing to do?

o How will we know our solution is working?

9

How can you prep? Some questions you can ask before dealing with tougher situations

Manage your inferences

• What do I know?

• What don’t I know?

• What inferences do I need to let go of?

Think of the situation

• What’s at stake for us?

• What do we need?

• What may be at stake for them?

• What may they need?

Think of the individuals

• What’s their style?

• What’s our history together?

Think of helpful options

• What could the ideal look like?

• What does our minimum look like?

• What are some options that could give us some traction?

Think of decision making

• What’s within our scope?

• What’s outside our scope?

• Who needs to be aware?

• What would the conditions be for escalation?

10