Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling

Hope-focused Marriage Hope-focused Marriage Counseling (Updated)Counseling (Updated) Everett L. Worthington, Jr.Everett L. Worthington, Jr.

Virginia Commonwealth UniversityVirginia Commonwealth University

A 3-hour pre-conference workshop presented at CAPS, A 3-hour pre-conference workshop presented at CAPS, Valley Forge, April 22, 2007. Valley Forge, April 22, 2007. As a minor part of the workshop, I present a study.As a minor part of the workshop, I present a study.Co-authors of the Study: Jack W. Berry, David E. Canter, Connie Co-authors of the Study: Jack W. Berry, David E. Canter, Connie Sharp, Mark Yarhouse (Regent University), Michael Scherer. The Sharp, Mark Yarhouse (Regent University), Michael Scherer. The study was supported by grant #239 from the John Templeton study was supported by grant #239 from the John Templeton Foundation and a grant to the General Clinical Research Center Foundation and a grant to the General Clinical Research Center at VCU M01 RR000065. And further by the John Fetzer Institute. at VCU M01 RR000065. And further by the John Fetzer Institute.

Workshop ObjectivesWorkshop Objectives

By the end of this workshop, the By the end of this workshop, the participant will be able toparticipant will be able to

Describe hope-focused marriage Describe hope-focused marriage counselingcounseling

Conceptualize forgiveness within Conceptualize forgiveness within psychological and theological psychological and theological frameworks and be able to promote it in frameworks and be able to promote it in couplescouples

Understand reconciliation and how to Understand reconciliation and how to promote it in couplespromote it in couples

Understand self-forgiveness and how to Understand self-forgiveness and how to promote it in couplespromote it in couples

Forgiveness Forgiveness in Couplesin Couples

My approach to Marital My approach to Marital TherapyTherapy

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1989). Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1989). Marriage counseling: A Christian Marriage counseling: A Christian approach to counseling couples.approach to counseling couples. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1999). Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1999). Hope-Hope-focused marriage counselingfocused marriage counseling. . Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2005). Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2005). Hope-Hope-focused marriage counseling, rev. edfocused marriage counseling, rev. ed. . Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Hope-focused Marriage Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment has been Enrichment has been

designated as 1 of 4 ESTs designated as 1 of 4 ESTs (Empirically Supported (Empirically Supported

Treatments) for marriage Treatments) for marriage enrichmentenrichment

Jakubowski, S. F., Milne, E. P., Brunner, H., & Jakubowski, S. F., Milne, E. P., Brunner, H., & Miller, R. B. (2004). A review of empirically Miller, R. B. (2004). A review of empirically supported marital enrichment programs. supported marital enrichment programs. Family Relations, 53Family Relations, 53, 528-536., 528-536.

It lists Hope-focused enrichment as one of four It lists Hope-focused enrichment as one of four ESTs in marital enrichment: PREP, Relationship ESTs in marital enrichment: PREP, Relationship Enhancement, Couple Communication Program, Enhancement, Couple Communication Program, and Strategic Hope-focused Enrichment. and Strategic Hope-focused Enrichment.

Questions and AnswersQuestions and Answers

State of the Clinical State of the Clinical Science in 1997Science in 1997

Gottman ratio: 5 to 1 positive to Gottman ratio: 5 to 1 positive to negativenegative

Therapists try to increase the ratioTherapists try to increase the ratio The action is in helping couples ACT The action is in helping couples ACT

differently with each other—e.g., differently with each other—e.g., integrative behavioral, solution-focused integrative behavioral, solution-focused approachesapproaches

Stress makes things worseStress makes things worse Focus is dyad patterns of Focus is dyad patterns of

communication and conflict negotiationcommunication and conflict negotiation

A lot has happened between A lot has happened between 1998-2005: Implications of 1998-2005: Implications of the Review of the Literaturethe Review of the Literature It’s not so much skills, communication, It’s not so much skills, communication,

conflict resolution conflict resolution per se.per se. It’s ability to It’s ability to control and limitcontrol and limit the the

negative emotional climatenegative emotional climate (and restore (and restore the positive emotional climate).the positive emotional climate).

Valuing, safety, securityValuing, safety, security HopeHope Cutting short negative reciprocityCutting short negative reciprocity Letting go of negative moods; not Letting go of negative moods; not

ruminating; healing ruptures in ruminating; healing ruptures in negative bonds by forgivingnegative bonds by forgiving

Clinical Research in Couple Clinical Research in Couple Therapy Suggests Therapy Suggests

Implications Similar to Implications Similar to Couple DynamicsCouple DynamicsAdvances in Couple TherapyAdvances in Couple Therapy

1. CBT, IBT, EFT, Insight-oriented 1. CBT, IBT, EFT, Insight-oriented couple therapy: These all emphasize the couple therapy: These all emphasize the emotional bond rather than skills.emotional bond rather than skills.

2. Many continue to be popular without 2. Many continue to be popular without research base: Solution-focused research base: Solution-focused Therapy, some family systems Therapy, some family systems adaptations to couples.adaptations to couples.

3. Note: the modifications have been 3. Note: the modifications have been away fromaway from skills, and skills, and towardtoward managing managing negative emotional climatenegative emotional climate

Hope-focused Marriage Hope-focused Marriage EnrichmentEnrichment

Journal of Counseling Journal of Counseling PsychologyPsychology, Worthington , Worthington et al. (1997) showed that et al. (1997) showed that 5 hours of intervention 5 hours of intervention produced effect sizes produced effect sizes greater than 1 for some greater than 1 for some DVsDVs

What causes the power of the intervention?What causes the power of the intervention?

FYI: Previous Component FYI: Previous Component Research on Hope-focused Research on Hope-focused

Marital EnrichmentMarital Enrichment Hammond & Worthington (1985), Hammond & Worthington (1985), American Journal American Journal

of Family Therapyof Family Therapy, found leaders strongly guide , found leaders strongly guide couple’s attention to issues in groupscouple’s attention to issues in groups

Worthington, Buston, & Hammonds (1989), Worthington, Buston, & Hammonds (1989), Journal Journal for Counseling and Developmentfor Counseling and Development, found support of , found support of group members > 3 hours of information about group members > 3 hours of information about communication, conflict resolution, and communication, conflict resolution, and information in psychoeducational groupsinformation in psychoeducational groups

Worthington et al. (1995), Worthington et al. (1995), Journal of Counseling Journal of Counseling PsychologyPsychology, found that assessment and feedback to , found that assessment and feedback to individual couples account for about ¼ of the ES in individual couples account for about ¼ of the ES in marital enrichmentmarital enrichment

FYI: Summaries of Hope-FYI: Summaries of Hope-Focused Marriage TherapyFocused Marriage Therapy

Worthington, E. L., Jr., Ripley, J. S., Hook, J. N., & Miller, A. J. (2007). Hope-focused Worthington, E. L., Jr., Ripley, J. S., Hook, J. N., & Miller, A. J. (2007). Hope-focused approach: Repairing and maintaining the emotional bond. In T. Clinton & G. Ohlschlager approach: Repairing and maintaining the emotional bond. In T. Clinton & G. Ohlschlager (Eds.), Caring for people in marriage and family life (pp. ). (Eds.), Caring for people in marriage and family life (pp. ).

Worthington, E. L., Jr., Ripley, J. S., Hook, J. N., & Miller, A. J. (2007). Hope-focused Worthington, E. L., Jr., Ripley, J. S., Hook, J. N., & Miller, A. J. (2007). Hope-focused couple therapy and enrichment. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, in press.couple therapy and enrichment. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, in press.

Hope-focused Marriage Counseling, rev edHope-focused Marriage Counseling, rev ed. (2005, IVP) (includes research update since . (2005, IVP) (includes research update since 1998)1998)

Worthington, E.L., Jr., Lerner, A., & Sharp, C. (2005). Repairing the emotional bond Worthington, E.L., Jr., Lerner, A., & Sharp, C. (2005). Repairing the emotional bond versus skills training for marital intervention. versus skills training for marital intervention. Journal of Psychology and ChristianityJournal of Psychology and Christianity,,2424, , 259-262.259-262.

Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2003). Hope-focused marriage. Recommendations for researchers Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2003). Hope-focused marriage. Recommendations for researchers and church workers. and church workers. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 31Journal of Psychology and Theology, 31, 231-239., 231-239.

Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2002). Aconselhando Relacionamentos [Relationship counseling]. Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2002). Aconselhando Relacionamentos [Relationship counseling]. Aconselhamento: O Jornal do Aconselhamento Crisao Evangelico no Brasil [Brazilian Aconselhamento: O Jornal do Aconselhamento Crisao Evangelico no Brasil [Brazilian Journal of Counseling], 1Journal of Counseling], 1, 39-48. [original article, translated into Portugese by Robson , 39-48. [original article, translated into Portugese by Robson Gomes]Gomes]

Worthington, E.L., Jr., & Ripley, J.S. (2002). Christian marriage and marital counseling: Worthington, E.L., Jr., & Ripley, J.S. (2002). Christian marriage and marital counseling: Promoting hope in lifelong commitments. In T. Clinton & G. Ohlschlager (Eds.), Promoting hope in lifelong commitments. In T. Clinton & G. Ohlschlager (Eds.), Competent Christian counseling: Practicing and pursuing compassionate soul care, Vol. 1Competent Christian counseling: Practicing and pursuing compassionate soul care, Vol. 1 (pp. 455-474). Denver: Waterbook Press.(pp. 455-474). Denver: Waterbook Press.

Worthington (1999). Worthington (1999). Hope-focused Marriage CounselingHope-focused Marriage Counseling (IVP) (IVP) Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1994). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach. Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1994). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach. Journal of Journal of

Psychology and Christianity, 13Psychology and Christianity, 13, 166-173., 166-173. Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1991). Marriage counseling with Christian couples. In G. R. Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1991). Marriage counseling with Christian couples. In G. R.

Collins (Ed.), Collins (Ed.), Case studies in Christian counselingCase studies in Christian counseling (pp. 72-97). Dallas: Word. (pp. 72-97). Dallas: Word. Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1990). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach to counseling Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1990). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach to counseling

couples. couples. Counseling and Values, 35,Counseling and Values, 35, 3-15. 3-15.


Hope-Focused Hope-Focused Marital Enrichment: Marital Enrichment: Description of the Description of the intervention and intervention and techniques for techniques for

promoting changepromoting change Hope =Hope =

Willpower + Waypower + Willpower + Waypower + WaitpowerWaitpower

Theology of the Hope-Theology of the Hope-Focused Couple Approaches Focused Couple Approaches

(HFCA)(HFCA) ““rejoice in [marital] sufferings, because we rejoice in [marital] sufferings, because we

know that suffering produces perseverance; know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, perseverance, character; and character, hopehope” (Romans 5:3-4, NIV). ” (Romans 5:3-4, NIV).

HFMA is founded on the belief that HFMA is founded on the belief that hope is at hope is at the depth of the Christian experiencethe depth of the Christian experience. . Christ Christ in us is indeed the hope of gloryin us is indeed the hope of glory (Col 1:27). (Col 1:27).

HopeHope is one of the three most emphasized aspects is one of the three most emphasized aspects of Christian character (1 Corinthians 13:13). of Christian character (1 Corinthians 13:13).

In HFMA, the strategy taught to partners for In HFMA, the strategy taught to partners for promoting change (see Worthington & McMurry, promoting change (see Worthington & McMurry, 1994) is 1994) is faith working through lovefaith working through love (Gal 5:6). (Gal 5:6).

HFMA was founded upon a theology that values HFMA was founded upon a theology that values marriage and promotes marriage and promotes mutual submission in mutual submission in lovelove of husband and wife (see Eph 5: 25-33). of husband and wife (see Eph 5: 25-33).

Hope-Focused Marital Hope-Focused Marital EnrichmentEnrichment

Strategy: Strategy: Promoting Love, Promoting Love, Work, Faith Work, Faith


Areas: Areas: Central Vision, Core Central Vision, Core

Values, Confession & Values, Confession & Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Communication, Conflict Communication, Conflict Resolution, Cognition, Resolution, Cognition, Closeness, CommitmentCloseness, Commitment

Objective 1Objective 1

We have now achieved Objective 1: We have now achieved Objective 1: Describe hope-focused marriage Describe hope-focused marriage counselingcounseling

We will examine some of its We will examine some of its interventions more closelyinterventions more closely



Interventions


Pre-counseling (Phone, Pre-counseling (Phone, Preparation pamphlet, Preparation pamphlet, assess stage of change)assess stage of change)

ExerciseExercise

Discuss in twos, how do you get the Discuss in twos, how do you get the husband, who doesn’t want to come husband, who doesn’t want to come to see a shrink, to come?to see a shrink, to come?

Share some ways with the groupShare some ways with the group


Preliminary Preliminary assessment & assessment &

ReportReportWorthington et al. (1995), Worthington et al. (1995), Journal of Counseling Journal of Counseling

PsychologyPsychology, found that assessment and , found that assessment and feedback to individual couples account for feedback to individual couples account for about ¼ of the ES in marital enrichment; about ¼ of the ES in marital enrichment; probably this is the most powerful single probably this is the most powerful single technique you could use in marital therapy.technique you could use in marital therapy.

Assessment BatteryAssessment Battery

Marital InventoriesMarital Inventories Dyadic Adjustment ScaleDyadic Adjustment Scale Commitment InventoryCommitment Inventory Intimacy thermometersIntimacy thermometers Discussion of an issue they disagree about Discussion of an issue they disagree about

(communication, problem solving, conflict styles)(communication, problem solving, conflict styles)ForgivenessForgiveness Decisional Forgiveness Scale and Emotional Decisional Forgiveness Scale and Emotional

Forgiveness Scale and single itemsForgiveness Scale and single items Transgression-related Interpersonal Motivations Transgression-related Interpersonal Motivations

Inventory (TRIM)Inventory (TRIM)ReligionReligion Religious Commitment Inventory-10Religious Commitment Inventory-10



Communication STEPS (Situation, Thoughts, Emotions,

Plans, Statement of Value) TANGO (TAN: T = Tell what happened

clearly and briefly, A = describe how the situation Affected you, N = give a Nurturing statement. Then the listener responds with the GO: G = did I Get it? Reflect back what they heard, and O = Observe the effects of the conversation and comment on them.

Listening Requests (Making, Refusing)

ExerciseExercise

STEPS (Situation, STEPS (Situation, Thoughts, Emotions, Thoughts, Emotions, Plans, Statement of Value)Plans, Statement of Value)

See Sherod Miller, who has a whole See Sherod Miller, who has a whole program that teaches this program that teaches this systematically, and has lots of empirical systematically, and has lots of empirical support.support.


Conflict ResolutionConflict Resolution L=Listen and repeatL=Listen and repeat O=Observe your effectsO=Observe your effects V=Value your partnerV=Value your partner E=Evaluate both partners’ E=Evaluate both partners’

interestsinterests


Closeness: CLEAVECloseness: CLEAVE C=Change actions to positiveC=Change actions to positive L=Loving romanceL=Loving romance E=Employ a calendarE=Employ a calendar A=Adjust intimacy elsewhereA=Adjust intimacy elsewhere V=Value Your PartnerV=Value Your Partner E=Enjoy yourselves sexuallyE=Enjoy yourselves sexually

Discuss in Groups of Discuss in Groups of FourFour

How do you promote intimacy How do you promote intimacy between couples who want to be between couples who want to be intimate but aren’t succeeding?intimate but aren’t succeeding?

Share some strategies with the Share some strategies with the whole group.whole group.


ClosenessClosenessUse of SpaceUse of Space

Demonstration and Demonstration and ExerciseExercise

Role playing couple with groups of Role playing couple with groups of observers and a counselor (size of observers and a counselor (size of group depends on number present)group depends on number present)


CommitmentCommitment Joshua MemorialJoshua Memorial Final Assessment Final Assessment ReportReport


Modifications to HFCA to Modifications to HFCA to Account for Increased Account for Increased Understanding of the Understanding of the

Importance of the Importance of the Emotional BondEmotional Bond

Modification in TheoryModification in Theory

Attachment TheoryAttachment Theory Working models of Working models of

SelfSelf OtherOther GodGod

Schnarch (1991) and the crucibleSchnarch (1991) and the crucible Wuthnow (2000) and religious Wuthnow (2000) and religious

dwelling and seeking—tabernacles dwelling and seeking—tabernacles and tentsand tents

Shults and Sandage (2006) spiritual Shults and Sandage (2006) spiritual transformations in the deserttransformations in the desert

Modifications in Modifications in AssessmentAssessment

Full battery, emphasis on intimacy, Full battery, emphasis on intimacy, forgiveness, and the ways that poor forgiveness, and the ways that poor communication and conflict communication and conflict resolution damage the emotional resolution damage the emotional closeness between the partners.closeness between the partners.

Modifications in Modifications in InterventionsInterventions

Emotional softeningEmotional softening Calling attention to times of empathy Calling attention to times of empathy

of one partner for anotherof one partner for another Calling attention of times of self-Calling attention of times of self-

sacrifice of one partner for another.sacrifice of one partner for another.


We have thoroughly achieved Objective We have thoroughly achieved Objective 11

Let’s move to Objective 2: Conceptualize Let’s move to Objective 2: Conceptualize forgiveness within psychological and forgiveness within psychological and theological frameworks and be able to theological frameworks and be able to promote it in couplespromote it in couples


FREE: FREE: Forgiveness and Forgiveness and Reconciliation Reconciliation

through through Experiencing Experiencing

EmpathyEmpathyREACHREACHBridge to Bridge to ReconciliationReconciliation

Discuss in 3-somes Divine Discuss in 3-somes Divine Forgiveness, and Forgiveness, and

Forgiveness between Forgiveness between partnerspartners

What are they?What are they? What if a person says, “I forgive What if a person says, “I forgive

him” but is obviously still really hurt him” but is obviously still really hurt and angry. What’s going on?and angry. What’s going on?

Does a husband (or wife) Does a husband (or wife) have to repent before the have to repent before the

spouse is obligated to offer spouse is obligated to offer forgiveness?forgiveness?

FREEFREE

TheoryTheory TransgressionsTransgressions Injustice GapInjustice Gap ForbearanceForbearance Motivational-Decisional ForgivenessMotivational-Decisional Forgiveness (Emotional) Unforgiveness(Emotional) Unforgiveness Emotional ForgivenessEmotional Forgiveness

What are your questions What are your questions about Forgiveness?about Forgiveness?

At least 30 minutes to discuss the At least 30 minutes to discuss the topictopic



We have now achieved Objective 2a: We have now achieved Objective 2a: Conceptualize forgiveness within Conceptualize forgiveness within psychological and theological psychological and theological frameworks [and be able to promote frameworks [and be able to promote it in couples].it in couples].

2003 Christian book2003 Christian book

New (2006) secular bookNew (2006) secular book

Forgiveness (Theoretical Forgiveness (Theoretical Enrichment)Enrichment)

Forgiveness and reconciliation are primarily Forgiveness and reconciliation are primarily about repairing the damage to the emotional about repairing the damage to the emotional bond caused by a history of transgressions at the bond caused by a history of transgressions at the hands of each other.hands of each other.

Trauma = damage that threatens physical Trauma = damage that threatens physical existence leading to helplessness. existence leading to helplessness.

When an attachment figure is not helpful (or is When an attachment figure is not helpful (or is perceived as malevolent) during a time when a perceived as malevolent) during a time when a person is needy, an injury to the attachment person is needy, an injury to the attachment system occurs. system occurs.

Marital problems, conflicts, and transgressions Marital problems, conflicts, and transgressions can traumatize, and if God isn’t there or the can traumatize, and if God isn’t there or the partner isn’t there, attachment bonds are partner isn’t there, attachment bonds are strained or ruptured.strained or ruptured.

Forgiveness is one powerful way of healing the Forgiveness is one powerful way of healing the wounds and scars of the trauma of experiencing wounds and scars of the trauma of experiencing the partner (and God) as not there during need.the partner (and God) as not there during need.

Injustice GapInjustice Gap

Size of injustice gap is Size of injustice gap is proportional to difficulty proportional to difficulty forgiving. Thus,forgiving. Thus,

Reduce injusticeReduce injustice ApologizeApologize Offer RestitutionOffer Restitution

Decisional ForgivenessDecisional Forgiveness

Make a decisionMake a decision It is beneficial to forgive: physical, It is beneficial to forgive: physical,

mental, relational, or spiritual health.mental, relational, or spiritual health. Decisional forgiveness: On the basis Decisional forgiveness: On the basis

of Scripture or sacred writings or of Scripture or sacred writings or appeal to virtue, do you want to appeal to virtue, do you want to forgive? forgive?

Can you give decisional forgiveness Can you give decisional forgiveness now?now?

Emotional ForgivenessEmotional Forgiveness

Replacement of negative unforgiving Replacement of negative unforgiving emotions with positive other-emotions with positive other-oriented emotions, such as empathy, oriented emotions, such as empathy, sympathy, compassion, and love. sympathy, compassion, and love. This is facilitated by other non-self-This is facilitated by other non-self-focused emotions, like hope, focused emotions, like hope, humility, and gratitude for having humility, and gratitude for having been forgiven.been forgiven.


Five Steps to REACH Five Steps to REACH Emotional ForgivenessEmotional Forgiveness

FREEFREE

REACH GodREACH God

We forgive because God We forgive because God first forgave usfirst forgave us

REACH GodREACH God before, before, during, and after you during, and after you REACH forgivenessREACH forgiveness

FREEFREE

Make a decisionMake a decision Decisional forgiveness: On the basis Decisional forgiveness: On the basis

of Scripture, do you want to forgive? of Scripture, do you want to forgive? Can you give decisional forgiveness Can you give decisional forgiveness

now?now? If you cannot, are you willing to be If you cannot, are you willing to be

made willing?made willing? Have you discerned God’s heart?Have you discerned God’s heart?

Five Steps to REACH Five Steps to REACH Emotional Forgiveness of Emotional Forgiveness of

the Partnerthe Partner

FREEFREE

REACHREACH R = Recall the hurtR = Recall the hurt Technique: not Technique: not

victimization, not blame; victimization, not blame; instead objectiveinstead objective

FREEFREE

REACHREACHE = Empathize with the one who hurt youE = Empathize with the one who hurt you Techniques:Techniques: Letter from other’s point of viewLetter from other’s point of view Talk about other’s experiencesTalk about other’s experiences

Empty chairEmpty chair Symbolizing the experience: Yellow and dark Symbolizing the experience: Yellow and dark

heartheart Multiple repetitions with sympathy, Multiple repetitions with sympathy,

compassion, altruistic (agape) love, romantic compassion, altruistic (agape) love, romantic lovelove

ExerciseExercise

Get into groups of three or four (at Get into groups of three or four (at least one man and woman in each least one man and woman in each group). They will role play as a group). They will role play as a couple. The other person is couple. The other person is counselor.counselor.

Counselor works with either husband Counselor works with either husband or wife on an early hurt (pre-marital), or wife on an early hurt (pre-marital), involving the partner in empathizing.involving the partner in empathizing.

Use empty chair for the one working.Use empty chair for the one working.

FREEFREE

REACHREACHA = Altruistic gift of A = Altruistic gift of

forgivenessforgiveness

FREEFREE

REACHREACH C = Commit to forgiveC = Commit to forgive Techniques: certificate, Techniques: certificate,

letter, washing the hands letter, washing the hands of the transgression, of the transgression, Richard Marks' Richard Marks' "Firststone," nail the "Firststone," nail the transgression to the crosstransgression to the cross

ExerciseExercise

Hand-washingHand-washing

FREEFREE

REACHREACH H = Hold onto forgiveness H = Hold onto forgiveness

during doubtsduring doubts Technique: hurt does not Technique: hurt does not

equal unforgiveness, white equal unforgiveness, white bearsbears

ExerciseExercise

Pair upPair up Take turns explaining to each other Take turns explaining to each other

why a person might forgive and yet why a person might forgive and yet still get angry about the incident still get angry about the incident later (after forgiveness has later (after forgiveness has occurred).occurred).

Share creative ways of explaining Share creative ways of explaining this with the big group.this with the big group.


We have now achieved Objective 2b: We have now achieved Objective 2b: [Conceptualize forgiveness within [Conceptualize forgiveness within psychological and theological psychological and theological frameworks] and be able to promote frameworks] and be able to promote it in couples.it in couples.

Objective 3 deals with reconciliationObjective 3 deals with reconciliation


FREEFREE

Bridge to Bridge to ReconciliationReconciliation

Plank 1: Decide Plank 1: Decide whether, when, and whether, when, and how to reconcilehow to reconcile

Role PlayRole Play

Couple exhibits very poor Couple exhibits very poor communication for making a communication for making a reproach, for responding with an reproach, for responding with an account or accountsaccount or accounts

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation Plank 2: Soft talk about forgiveness Plank 2: Soft talk about forgiveness

(Talking about Transgressions)(Talking about Transgressions)ReproachesReproachesAccountsAccounts DenialsDenials JustificationsJustifications ExcusesExcuses ConfessionsConfessions

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation Confessions (CONFESS)Confessions (CONFESS)

C: Confess without excuseC: Confess without excuse O: Offer apology (convey sincere regret and O: Offer apology (convey sincere regret and

contrition)contrition) N: Note his or her pain (empathically show that you N: Note his or her pain (empathically show that you

understand the pain or anger you caused)understand the pain or anger you caused) F: Forever Value (say that you value the person)F: Forever Value (say that you value the person) E: Equalize (Offer to make some restitution: Is E: Equalize (Offer to make some restitution: Is

there anything I can do to make it up to you?)there anything I can do to make it up to you?) S: Swear never again (Express intent not to harm S: Swear never again (Express intent not to harm

similarly again)similarly again) S: Seek forgivenessS: Seek forgiveness (Give reasons to promote empathy)(Give reasons to promote empathy)

ExerciseExercise

Pair upPair up Practice a good confessionPractice a good confession

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation Dealing with the confessionDealing with the confession Accept (grant forgiveness)Accept (grant forgiveness) Reject (withhold forgiveness)Reject (withhold forgiveness) More time needed (not yet ready to grant More time needed (not yet ready to grant

forgiveness)forgiveness) What if one feels the reproach is inaccurate (you What if one feels the reproach is inaccurate (you

want to deny) or your behavior was justified?want to deny) or your behavior was justified?Ask, “Can you explain what made you think this?” Ask, “Can you explain what made you think this?”

[Explanation][Explanation]““I see why you think the way you do. I’m really sorry I see why you think the way you do. I’m really sorry

that this occurred. I feel badly that I’ve hurt your that this occurred. I feel badly that I’ve hurt your feelings. I did not mean for that to happen.”feelings. I did not mean for that to happen.”

““I wonder if I might explain the way I was looking at the I wonder if I might explain the way I was looking at the incident? [Explanation]incident? [Explanation]

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation Plank 3: Pyramid (Five steps) Plank 3: Pyramid (Five steps)

Model to REACH ForgivenessModel to REACH Forgiveness Plank 4: Reverse the Negative Plank 4: Reverse the Negative

CascadeCascade

Criticism Criticism Defensiveness Defensiveness Contempt Contempt Stonewalling Stonewalling

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation

Plank 5: Deal with Plank 5: Deal with failures in failures in trustworthinesstrustworthiness

Attitude of gratitudeAttitude of gratitudeAttitude of latitudeAttitude of latitude

FREEFREE

Bridge to ReconciliationBridge to Reconciliation

Plank 6: Promote LovePlank 6: Promote LoveTechniques: Love Bank Techniques: Love Bank (Harley), Increase the (Harley), Increase the Gottman ratio (Gottman), Gottman ratio (Gottman), Love languages (Chapman)Love languages (Chapman)

ExerciseExercise

Pair upPair up One person is counselor and the One person is counselor and the

other is a spouseother is a spouse Counselor works with couple on love Counselor works with couple on love

bank, or on love languagesbank, or on love languages Switch and the other person tackles Switch and the other person tackles

the other topic.the other topic.



We have now achieved Objective 3: We have now achieved Objective 3: Understand reconciliation and how Understand reconciliation and how to promote it in couplesto promote it in couples

Objective 4 deals with forgiving the Objective 4 deals with forgiving the self.self.

Objective 4: Forgiving Objective 4: Forgiving the Selfthe Self

Can I come to forgive Can I come to forgive myself and feel no myself and feel no

emotional unforgiveness emotional unforgiveness toward myself? YEStoward myself? YES

I am sorry for what I did (remorse; facilitating emotion) I am sorry for what I did (remorse; facilitating emotion) I am grateful for what Jesus did for me in his I am grateful for what Jesus did for me in his

substitutionary atonement and God’s forgiveness substitutionary atonement and God’s forgiveness (gratitude; facilitating emotion) (gratitude; facilitating emotion)

I realize I don’t deserve it; it is grace and mercy (humility; I realize I don’t deserve it; it is grace and mercy (humility; facilitating emotion)facilitating emotion)

I feel empathy for Jesus, who suffered and died for me I feel empathy for Jesus, who suffered and died for me (replacement emotion) (replacement emotion)

I feel sympathy for Jesus, who suffered and died for me I feel sympathy for Jesus, who suffered and died for me (replacement emotion)(replacement emotion)

I feel compassion for Jesus, who suffered and died for me I feel compassion for Jesus, who suffered and died for me (replacement emotion)(replacement emotion)

I feel love for Jesus, who suffered and died for me I feel love for Jesus, who suffered and died for me (replacement emotion)(replacement emotion)

Forgiving the Self: A Forgiving the Self: A special complicated special complicated

case of forgivingcase of forgiving1. Forgiving the self is hard because1. Forgiving the self is hard because: : You can’t get away from your own thoughtsYou can’t get away from your own thoughts You are both the one who forgives and the You are both the one who forgives and the

one who offends. So you have dual one who offends. So you have dual responsibilities.responsibilities.

You did not merely hurt yourself by your You did not merely hurt yourself by your acts, you probably hurt others and may need acts, you probably hurt others and may need to make amends.to make amends.

You probably sinned against God, nature, or You probably sinned against God, nature, or humanity, and you need to restore that humanity, and you need to restore that relationship.relationship.

You pressure self to forgive self.You pressure self to forgive self. You not only did something to hurt another You not only did something to hurt another

but you also damaged your self-concept.but you also damaged your self-concept.

How To Forgive YourselfHow To Forgive Yourself1.1. You did something that harmed others (directly or You did something that harmed others (directly or

indirectly), and you indirectly), and you might might need to confess (to need to confess (to someone), apologize, make restitution, and repair someone), apologize, make restitution, and repair damage (if this can be done without re-traumatizing damage (if this can be done without re-traumatizing the person). Note: You the person). Note: You mightmight just have to carry the just have to carry the yoke of guilt.yoke of guilt.

2. You must make it right with God, being willing to 2. You must make it right with God, being willing to accept divine forgiveness.accept divine forgiveness.

3. You must declare decisional forgiveness for yourself.3. You must declare decisional forgiveness for yourself.

4. You must REACH emotional forgiveness for yourself 4. You must REACH emotional forgiveness for yourself through empathizing, sympathizing, feeling through empathizing, sympathizing, feeling compassion for, and loving yourself (as you would do compassion for, and loving yourself (as you would do for an enemy who continually disappoints you).for an enemy who continually disappoints you).

5.5. You must accept yourself as a flawed and fallen You must accept yourself as a flawed and fallen person and not expect perfection. (This often takes person and not expect perfection. (This often takes years.)years.)


Thank you for your Thank you for your attentionattention

Copies of these Copies of these slides are available slides are available electronically by electronically by emailing me at emailing me at [email protected]@vcu.edu

StudyStudyDoes This Does This Method Work?Method Work?

Hope-focused Marital Hope-focused Marital Enrichment Component Enrichment Component Analysis in the Current Analysis in the Current

StudyStudyHope-focused = Hope-focused = HOPEHOPE + + FREEFREE

HOPE=Handling Our Problems HOPE=Handling Our Problems Effectively (communication and Effectively (communication and conflict resolution components)conflict resolution components)

FREE=Forgiveness and Reconciliation FREE=Forgiveness and Reconciliation through Experiencing Empathythrough Experiencing Empathy

MethodMethod

Design of StudyDesign of StudyEarly Married CouplesEarly Married Couples

O HOPE O OO HOPE O O O FREE O OO FREE O O O O OO O O

ParticipantsParticipants

156 Couples in their first 5 months of marriage156 Couples in their first 5 months of marriage 52 per group, matched by timing of the three 52 per group, matched by timing of the three

testing times (Note: analyses showed no testing times (Note: analyses showed no differences initially on any variables in the differences initially on any variables in the study)study)

Ages (18 to 62)Ages (18 to 62) Recruited from newspaper advertisementsRecruited from newspaper advertisements Paid $200 for completing assessment Paid $200 for completing assessment

measures; participants in intervention paid measures; participants in intervention paid additional $100additional $100

Measures Reported HereMeasures Reported Here DAS (used Marital Satisfaction item, 0-6)DAS (used Marital Satisfaction item, 0-6) Positive Emotions about the spouse (19 Positive Emotions about the spouse (19

bipolar adjectives rated 1, negative emotion, bipolar adjectives rated 1, negative emotion, to 5 positive emotion; ex: friendly to hostile)to 5 positive emotion; ex: friendly to hostile)

Forgiveness of most serious hurt (0-4)Forgiveness of most serious hurt (0-4) Single-item Forgiveness of index hurt (SIF; Single-item Forgiveness of index hurt (SIF;

0-4)0-4) TRIM-R + TRIM-A = TRIM-Total (Index TRIM-R + TRIM-A = TRIM-Total (Index

hurt)hurt) Conflict Tactics Scale (low scores = better Conflict Tactics Scale (low scores = better

conflict tactics)conflict tactics)

Other Measures Not Yet Other Measures Not Yet AnalyzedAnalyzed

Salivary Cortisol (baseline relaxing versus Salivary Cortisol (baseline relaxing versus when imagining a typical relationship when imagining a typical relationship interaction)interaction)

Videotape discussions of (a) a topic which Videotape discussions of (a) a topic which you disagree about and (b) a pleasant topicyou disagree about and (b) a pleasant topic

Numerous self-report instruments at Numerous self-report instruments at dispositional level (e.g., trait dispositional level (e.g., trait forgivingness), process level (ratings of forgivingness), process level (ratings of communication, intimacy, etc.), and level communication, intimacy, etc.), and level of specific interactions (e.g., how deal with of specific interactions (e.g., how deal with transgressions) transgressions)

ProcedureProcedure

Couple phones in response to ad and is Couple phones in response to ad and is scheduled for and attends initial scheduled for and attends initial assessmentassessment

Couple is assigned to condition randomlyCouple is assigned to condition randomly Couple attends either FREE or HOPE Couple attends either FREE or HOPE

intervention or no treatmentintervention or no treatment Couple assessed roughly at post-Couple assessed roughly at post-

treatment, 1 month post-treatment, 6 treatment, 1 month post-treatment, 6 months post-treatment, 12 months post-months post-treatment, 12 months post-treatment treatment

Change in Procedure after Change in Procedure after Study BeginsStudy Begins

In December 1999, about 14 months after the In December 1999, about 14 months after the study began, VCU’s IRB was shut down, study began, VCU’s IRB was shut down, compromising the original design of the study compromising the original design of the study by interrupting for 8 months all research by interrupting for 8 months all research (which played havoc with a longitudinal design)(which played havoc with a longitudinal design)

After resumption (July 2000), to keep from After resumption (July 2000), to keep from losing, almost our first entire round of losing, almost our first entire round of participants, we switched to a “yoking” participants, we switched to a “yoking” procedure (using the matching variable of time procedure (using the matching variable of time of test and using only three measurement times of test and using only three measurement times instead of five as planned)instead of five as planned)

Very Preliminary Very Preliminary

ResultsResults for Some for Some Self-report VariablesSelf-report Variables

Treatment x time (S) ANOVAs with repeated Treatment x time (S) ANOVAs with repeated measuresmeasures

No main effects for Treatment or time are No main effects for Treatment or time are significantsignificant

Following are interactions (Note the pattern is Following are interactions (Note the pattern is similar: Control get worse; HOPE gets better similar: Control get worse; HOPE gets better and then loses some; FREE gets better and then loses some; FREE gets better continuously)continuously)

TRIM-Revenge, Index Hurt TRIM-Revenge, Index Hurt (p<.05)(p<.05)

4.8

5

5.2

5.4

5.6

5.8

6

time 1 time 2 time 3

ControlFREEHOPE

TRIM-Avoidance, Index TRIM-Avoidance, Index Hurt (p>.10, ns)Hurt (p>.10, ns)

Single-item Forgiveness of Single-item Forgiveness of Index hurt (p<.05)Index hurt (p<.05)

3.23.253.3

3.353.4

3.453.5

3.553.6

3.653.7


ControlFREEHOPE

State Anger Scale, p<.01State Anger Scale, p<.01

14

14.5

15

15.5

16

16.5

17

17.5

18


ControlFREEHOPE

How Forgiving Are You, in How Forgiving Are You, in General, Toward Your General, Toward Your Spouse? (single item), Spouse? (single item),

p<.01p<.01

55.15.25.35.45.55.65.75.85.9

6


ControlFREEHOPE

Forgiveness of Your Most Forgiveness of Your Most Serious Hurt, p<.05Serious Hurt, p<.05

3.45

3.5

3.55

3.6

3.65

3.7

3.75

3.8

3.85


ControlFREEHOPE

Current Positive Affect Current Positive Affect toward Your Spouse, 19 toward Your Spouse, 19 bipolar adjectives, p<.02bipolar adjectives, p<.02

3.3

3.4

3.5

3.6

3.7

3.8

3.9


ControlFREEHOPE

Marital Satisfaction, Single Marital Satisfaction, Single Item, p<.05Item, p<.05

37.838

38.238.438.638.8

3939.239.439.639.8

40


ControlFREEHOPE

DiscussionDiscussion Forgiveness intervention (FREE) affected Forgiveness intervention (FREE) affected

variables differently over time than did variables differently over time than did HOPEHOPE

HOPE gave an initial boost to the marriage HOPE gave an initial boost to the marriage but some effect erodedbut some effect eroded

FREE helped people not erode and perhaps FREE helped people not erode and perhaps improve, especially on forgiveness mattersimprove, especially on forgiveness matters

The implication is that together they should The implication is that together they should be complementary and lasting (which is be complementary and lasting (which is what Worthington et al., 1997, showed)what Worthington et al., 1997, showed)

Documents

Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling