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From Here to Eternity:How the Bereaved MaintainConnections to Lost LovedOnes and Why It MattersPhyllis G. KosminskyPublished online: 29 Nov 2011.

To cite this article: Phyllis G. Kosminsky (2011) From Here to Eternity: How theBereaved Maintain Connections to Lost Loved Ones and Why It Matters, Death Studies,35:6, 559-565, DOI: 10.1080/07481187.2010.524450

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BOOK REVIEWS

Edited byDAVID E. BALK

From Here to Eternity: How the Bereaved MaintainConnections to Lost Loved Ones and Why It Matters

A Review of Bereavement Narratives: Continuing Bonds in theTwenty-First Century by Christine Valentine, 2008. New York,NY: Routledge. 193 pp. (ISBN: 978-0-415-45730-9). $45.95.Reviewed by Phyllis G. Kosminsky.

Christine Valentine is a researcher and teacher at the Centre for Death andSociety at the University of Bath. She wrote ‘‘Academic Constructions ofBereavement,’’ which appeared in Mortality, 2006, 11, 57–79.

Phyllis G. Kosminsky is a clinician in private practice in New Yorkand for the past 15 years at the Center for Hope in Darien, Connecticut.She is the author of Getting Back to Life When Grief Won’t Heal (McGraw-Hill, 2007) and lectures frequently on complicated bereavement, griefcounseling and grief related trauma.

Bereavement Narratives explores the many ways in which bereavedpeople maintain relationships with deceased loved ones and ofthe factors—social, cultural, personal—that shape peoples’ experi-ence of death, dying, and bereavement. Taking as her startingpoint the work of Klass and others (Klass, Silverman, &Nickman, 1996) concerning the value of continuing bonds forthe bereaved, Valentine reports ‘‘how the social reality of deathand bereavement in contemporary Britain is both characterizedand constructed by a diversity of meanings and world views’’ (p. 2).

Valentine conducted interviews with bereaved people rangingin age from 19 to 58 and used their narratives to ‘‘draw attention tothe way people use available cultural scripts to construct andexpress meanings that are particular and personal to them’’ (p. 2).The author argues that in overfocusing on the ‘‘trajectory’’ of griefand the formulation of universal models of the grieving process, we

Death Studies, 35: 559–576, 2011Copyright # Taylor & Francis Group, LLCISSN: 0748-1187 print=1091-7683 onlineDOI: 10.1080/07481187.2010.524450

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have lost sight of the individual nuances in people’s feelings at thetime of a loved one’s death, and how these gradations in turn arereflected in subsequent adaptation to loss.

The feelings and experiences reflected in respondents’ narra-tives will be familiar to readers regularly in contact with bereavedpeople. Valentine’s contribution here is to organize this diverseand highly personal material and to help us see the familiar in anew light. For example, in Chapter 4 Valentine comments onrespondents’ attempts to describe how the loss of their loved onewas manifested in many unexpected secondary losses. Consistentwith what others have reported (Parkes, 2005; Weiss, 2008), theselosses include loss of part of oneself, loss of meaning, loss of theloved one’s validation and support, and loss of a sense of agencyand self-determination.

Valentine demonstrates the extent to which narratives refer-enced the social nature of grief, the many ways in which the ‘‘senseof loss could be affirmed, exacerbated or overshadowed by the griefof others’’ (p. 113). Valentine does not find any consistency withregard to the positive or negative impact of any given factor as itrelates to adaptation to loss. For example, and consistent with whathas been reported elsewhere (Wortmann & Park, 2008), somerespondents found that religion provided comfort, others were con-fused about their beliefs in the aftermath of the loss, others wereangry and dismissive of previously held spiritual beliefs, and so on.

Absence as presence becomes a major theme in Valentine’sanalysis. For instance, in Chapters 6 and 7 Valentine focuses onthe rediscovery of presence and on the ways in which presenceis sustained over time. This portion of the book is where thematerial related to continuing bonds is most fully developed, andalso where Valentine identifies the greatest diversity in subjects’responses. Valentine attributes this diversity to the way ‘‘continu-ing bonds discourse in contemporary British society is notgrounded in traditional or religious frameworks’’ (p. 126). Valen-tine finds that despite living in a society that devalues ongoingrelationship with the deceased, continuing involvement was therule rather than the exception in her sample.

Valentine provides numerous examples supporting her viewthat the bereaved maintain connection with the deceased througha range of beliefs and behaviors that might be considered outsidethe pale of ‘‘normal’’ behavior. Respondents spoke somewhat

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sheepishly of experiencing the deceased in their day-to-dayactivities, sometimes as an actual presence (as in ‘‘my mother vis-ited me after she died’’); through conversation with the deceased(‘‘I talk to him every day’’); and more conventionally, in recollec-tion of words or actions evoking the deceased, such as recalling afather’s advice when driving in bad weather. Valentine uses hermaterial to extend the meaning of continuing bonds to reflect whatshe sees as ongoing mutuality in the relationship. Mutuality wasfurther evidenced by respondents’ accounts of ‘‘communicationinitiated by the deceased as well as by the bereaved.’’ Severalrespondents alluded to receiving ongoing ‘‘practical, reliable andmoral guidance’’ (p.141) from their loved ones.

Bereavement Narratives is based on work Valentine did for herdissertation (Valentine, 2007a), and that manuscript does notappear to have been significantly revised or updated for this text.Only a handful of the many references cited were published after2000. As a result, gaps in the literature are identified which havesince been filled, and assertions about outdated thinking them-selves seem out of date. For example, Valentine alludes to thehomogeneity of writing about bereavement and urges us to con-sider the idea (which her publisher labels radical) that there is sig-nificant social and cultural diversity in the ways that people grieveand that an appreciation of this diversity is essential to our under-standing of what ‘‘normal’’ grief looks like. While diversity may notalways be honored in practice, the idea that what is considerednormal with regard to grief varies across cultures is not new (see,e.g., Rosenblatt, 1993).

Valentine’s subjects all appear to have had more or lessgood relationships with their lost loved ones, and the resultingpositive bias in her sample limits the degree to which some ofher findings can be generalized. Not every instance of continuingbonds provides comfort to the bereaved, and many bereavedpeople struggle to satisfy the deathbed wishes of loved ones, orcontinue to live ‘‘as if’’ the loved one is still present and monitor-ing their behavior. This kind of continuing bond can limit thesurvivor’s ability to get on with life, or to be the architect ofhis or her life, rather than simply following plans drafted bythe deceased (Kosminsky, 2007). A more balanced discussion ofcontinuing bonds would reference their negative as well aspositive potential impact.

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Valentine describes her research as ‘‘informal, conversationaland interactive’’ which approach ‘‘enabled my participants’ storiesto emerge from our shared encounter’’ (p. 163). I have no argumentwith the advantages of a qualitative, interview-based approach withregard to capturing the richness and depth of individual experience.However, Valentine loses me when she argues that this approachcaptures the social nature of loss, in contrast to ‘‘scientific, indivi-dualized and medicalised approaches’’ that ‘‘have constructed griefas an illness, so that people experience their condition as an illnessthat calls for treatment’’ (p. 163). It seems an oversimplification tolump together all ‘‘scientific, individualized and medicalisedapproaches’’ as contributing to the view of grief as an ‘‘individual-istic’’ experience, and from there to assert that this view ‘‘has tendedto leave people without sufficient social support’’ (p. 163). Surelythere are many examples of ‘‘scientific’’ research that demonstratethe profound value and importance of social support (e.g., Wenger& Burholt, 2004). Nor is there anything approaching a consensusamong ‘‘scientific’’ researchers as to the advisability of labeling grief(complicated, prolonged, or otherwise) a medical=psychiatric con-dition, as the continuing furor over its inclusion in the DSM clearlydemonstrates (Rubin, Malkinson, & Witztum, 2008).

The reader looking to make use of Valentine’s findings in aclinical setting will find nuggets worth discovering. For example,Valentine observes that a dying person’s awareness of the nearnessof death seems to comes not only from what he or she is told orobserves but from ‘‘other forms of knowing’’ (p. 167). I canimagine that by sharing this idea, a clinician could provide com-fort, say, to someone wondering if she should have been moreopen about conveying to a dying person the true nature of his con-dition. I can see myself suggesting, for instance, that ‘‘people whoare dying often have a way of knowing that they are dying,whether or not we come out and tell them; perhaps you don’t needto feel badly about not telling him.’’

Personal Reactions

As noted above, the interviews in this book (and much of the bookitself) were compiled for Valentine’s dissertation. The contrastbetween the author’s style in this book and in her subsequent pub-lications (e.g., Valentine, 2007b) is substantial. The writing in the

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book is often weighed down by language presumably designed tosituate it within the sociological literature. I confess there weretimes when I found myself mentally paraphrasing and wishing thatsomewhat greater care had been taken to translate Valentine’swriting for a more general audience. This is not a book for anyonewith a casual interest in the subject, nor for that matter, for mostclinicians, unless they have a strong sociological bent.

In presenting her rationale for taking a qualitative, interactiveapproach to her subject, Valentine implies that qualitative data arethe only way to do justice to a subject as rich, varied, and delicateas grief: ‘‘[Thus] the scientific, rationalist model in which theresearcher remains separate from the field of study has beenreplaced with a more ‘humanized’ approach to researching sociallife’’ (p. 2). The qualitative nature of the data did not make Valen-tine’s interpretation, embedded in dense and often unapproach-able text, any easier to relate to. Contrast this approach withParkes, Neimeyer, or Prigerson, who, despite the quantitative nat-ure of their data, convey their engagement with research parti-cipants and also are able to communicate clearly and succinctlythe implications of the data presented.

There are statements about errors in our thinking aboutbereavement and our approach to helping bereaved people thatdo not feel credible. Reading the author’s unsupported assertion(p. 2) that stage models of bereavement have become ‘‘a popularbasis for bereavement counseling,’’ I could only wonder: popularwhere, and with whom? We also are told that the approach takenby these bereavement counselors, steeped apparently in a steadfastcommitment to a mythical process, ‘‘neglects the extent to whichgrief is socially shaped and inhibits any real understanding of theindividual, social and cultural complexity and diversity of theway people grieve’’ (p. 2). These statements are unfair both to griefcounselors and to stage theories, which, despite their indisputablelimitations, represent a significant contribution to our awarenessand understanding of death and dying. I understand that in themarketplace of ideas, what is valued is what is new, different, bet-ter, but it often seems that the unfortunate result is a kind of zerosum intellectual game where one idea cannot win unless anotherone loses.

The ideas Valentine develops in Bereavement Narratives are aninteresting elaboration of continuing bonds, which in its simplest

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expression is an accessible and useful construct. What Valentinehas to say here is of interest as a refinement of continuing bondsand as such I can appreciate it, but I’m not sure I would haveundertaken to read this book without the long arm of a bookreview editor resting on my shoulder.

At its best Valentine’s writing captures and illuminates hersubjects’ experiences, drawing their attention and ours to detailsoften lost in the mind-fogging final days of a loved one’s life.The last words, the last look, the last touch; Valentine collects thesepieces as one would collect shells on a beach: fragments, beautifuland fragile, at once remnants of life that is no more and treasures tobe tucked away, elements in the alchemy of memory. In these pas-sages the heart of Valentine’s desire to help us see more clearlyinto the complex realities of dying and grief shines through. Wecan look forward to what will undoubtedly be an abundant, rich,and enlightening body of work.

References

Klass, D., Silverman, P., & Nickman, S. (Eds). (1996). Continuing bonds: New under-standings of grief. London, UK: Routledge.

Kosminsky, P. (2007). Getting back to life when grief won’t heal. New York, NY:McGraw-Hill.

Parkes, C. M. (2005). Love and loss: The roots of grief and its complications. New York,NY: Routledge.

Rosenblatt, P. C. (1993). Cross cultural variation in the experience, expression,and understanding of grief. In D. P. Irish, K. F. Lundy, & V. J. Nelson(Eds.), Ethnic variations in dying, death and grief: Diversity in universality(pp. 13–19). Washington, DC: Taylor and Francis.

Rubin, S., Malkinson, R., & Witzum, E. (2008). Clinical aspects of a DSM com-plicated grief diagnosis: Challenges, dilemmas and opportunities. In M.Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereave-ment research and practice: Consequences, coping, and care (pp. 187–206).Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Valentine, C. (2007a). Bereavement and identity: Making sense of bereavement incontemporary British society. (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). Universityof Bath, UK. Retrieved from http://opus.bath.ac.uk/14399/

Valentine, C. (2007b). The ‘‘moment of death.’’ Omega: The Journal of Death andDying, 55, 3:219–236.

Weiss, R. (2008). The nature and causes of grief. In M. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson,H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research andpractice: Consequences, coping, and care (pp. 29–44). Washington, DC: AmericanPsychological Association.

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Wenger, G. C., & Burholt, V. (2004). Changes in levels of social isolation andloneliness among older people in a rural area: A twenty-year longitudinalstudy. Canadian Journal on Aging, 23, 115–127.

Wortmann, J. H., & Park, C. L. (2008). Religion and spirituality in adjustmentfollowing bereavement: An integrative review. Death Studies, 32, 703–736.

A Shot Across the Bow

A Review of The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science ofBereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss by George A. Bonanno.New York, NY: Basic Books, 2009. 231 pp. (ISBN: 978-0-465-01360-9). $25.95. Reviewed by David E. Balk.

George A. Bonanno is Professor of Clinical Psychology and Chair ofthe Department of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at ColumbiaUniversity’s Teachers College. His research has been funded by theNational Institutes of Health and the National Science Foundation. Amonghis many publications is Emotions: Current Issues and Future Directions, whichhe co-edited with Tracy J. Mayne (Guilford, 2001).

David E. Balk is Professor and Director of Graduate Studies inThanatology in the Department of Health and Nutrition Sciences at Brook-lyn College of the City University of New York. His publications includeChildren’s Encounters with Death, Bereavement, and Coping, co-edited withCharles A. Corr and published in 2010 by Springer Publishing Company.

George Bonanno has emerged as one of the leading scholars inves-tigating bereavement, grief, and mourning. In his prolific researchrecord, he has questioned some fundamental assumptions heldregarding bereavement and has offered compelling empirical evi-dence for the phenomena that depict what actually goes on whenpersons are bereaved. In this book he has synthesized his scholar-ship and given us a generous glimpse of his experiences withbereavement, both as a researcher and as a son.

Bonanno began studying bereavement in the 1990s as afreshly minted PhD in clinical psychology, and he applied meth-ods seldom used in the study of bereavement. For instance, takinga cue from Charles Darwin’s study of emotions (Darwin, 1873),Bonanno studied facial expressions when people talked about theirgrief, and he found the spontaneity of smiling and of genuinelaughter were predictive of long-term positive coping. He foundmuch more laughter in the midst of sorrow than had beenexpected.

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