Foolish Times - September 2013

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Read it....it's funny!

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  • September 2013

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    20122013

  • SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.netSTEVIE P.

    The Chucklehead Speaks: Editor's Note:

    Like Us and More:Savings Galore

    Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter

    Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

    links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

    Check out our website with your QR enabled smart phone. You will

    nd jokes, articles and savings.

    Savings Galore

    Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter

    Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

    links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

    Savings Galore

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    Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

    links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

    Like us on Facebook

    Follow uson Tweeter

    Taking over a publication that has been delivering humor and the lighter side of life for 10 years is a big responsibility that I take very seriously.

    Now that we have that out of the way, lets have some fun!

    We have a seasoned staff and countywide distribu-tion system. We will continue to improve on content and technology that off ers advertisers better and more effi cient ways to grow their businesses while off ering readers a paper that has the courage to make you laugh and trigger your belly to move in ways it hasnt in years.

    Our readers are not fools; theyre chuckleheads and each month in the privacy of their bathroom they work hard to memorize their favorite jokes as printed in Foolish Times.

    Please pick up a copy of the paper each month and be a chucklehead! Thanks for supporting the funny side of life and as the retiring Head Fool Mike would say, don't forget the advertisers.

    This issue we say goodbye to our founding Head

    Fool, Mike. What does he have to say about that

    Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. Well, actually,

    William Shakespeare said that, but Mike would of if

    he had thought of it!

    Seriously doesnt happen often, but here goes

    a direct quote from Mike, Many thanks to all of our

    contributors, readers, advertisers, businesses, friends

    and family who have supported my not-so-foolhardy

    successful publishing adventure! Not a fools errand

    by any stretch of the imagination. Keep reading!

    The faces may change but one thing remains

    constant we print silly, foolish, funny stuff !

    Enjoy!

    September 2013What the (BLEEP )is Foolish Times?

    Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can fi nd (some months we search harder than oth-ers). The opinions or ideas expressed by con-tributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graph-ics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called writers and artists who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public fi gures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

    Advertisers: For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or

    call 831.233.3122For rat information, call your exterminator

    List of Fools:Chucklehead .........................................Stevie P.Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q.Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.Sales Fool ........................................Elizabeth S.

    C ontributors:Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Jordan Hall, Rex Keys, Mike Larsen, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary

    Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood

    Subscriptions:One year, $49.00. (Thats a mere $49.00 over

    the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post offi ce and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box

    4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for fi rst delivery. No kidding. Snails

    are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.

    Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

    Phone/Fax: 831.648.1038www.foolishtimes.net

  • September 20134

    www.foolishtimes.net

    BY REX KEYES

    For several years now, In-N-Out Burger has been trying to get one of their fast food establishments on the Monterey Peninsula but to no avail. They have been blocked at every turn. So what could possibly be the problem? Could it be that the politicians have stock in Burger King, McDonalds, Carl s Jr. , Wendy s or Jack in the Box? I am surprised that no one has asked for full disclosure, conflict of interests.

    One set of environmentalists is pitted against others, one that craves healthy fast foods against those of namely no growth, carbon footprint, cows emitting gaseous emissions to the environment (greenhouse) and local residents protesting traffic impacts. This is not to mention the myriad of government entities from which approval is needed; the planning commission, city hall and the almighty coastal commission.

    Now, In-N-Out enthusiasts must undertake a long journey inland to the city of Salinas to enjoy their favorite food. They must cross along a narrow

    two-lane road that meanders through valleys and the coastal mountains.

    And how do we, the people of Salinas know that the Monterey Peninsula residents make this long pilgrimage? I t is as simple as distinguishing day and night. One can tell by the cars they drive as they enter the drive thru or park ing lot. First of all, some of them have that l ittle metal badge or shield attached to the gril l of their car proudly proclaiming that they live in Del Monte Forest or Pebble Beach. Next, their choice of vehicle for their tr ip is usually a high mileage hybrid called a Toyota Prius, not a Honda Insight, and Heavens to Betsy never a Ford or Chevy. Their l icense plate holders also state the name of their local dealerships in Monterey. Finally many of them have a bumper sticker attached to their car ask ing everyone to save something from the ocean: Save the Whales, Save our Shores, and those pesky 80 pound crustacean eating carnivores Save the Otters.

    I t has been known that people who live in Salinas and work in Monterey have been into smuggling from time to time. They pick up some In-N-Out burgers prior to going to work and sell them for a profit to their local compatriots at work .

    And as the messenger from the residents of Salinas to those of the Monterey Peninsula, I forward these words, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na we have an In-N-Out and you dont.

    In-N-Out is In

    It has been known that people who live in Salinas and

    work in Monterey have been into smuggling from time to time.

    Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

    Can you guess who said the following?1. "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." A. John Kenneth GalbraithB. Bill Buckner 2. "You can fool some of the people some of the time and that's enough to make a decent living." A. W.C. Fields B. Alex Rodriguez 3. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " A. Pope Francis B. Frank Sinatra 4. " I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par." A. Chi-Chi Rodriguez B. Plato 5. "True friends stab you in the front." A. Julius Caesar B. Oscar Wilde 6. You gotta be careful if you don't know where you're going, otherwise you might not get there. A. Yogi Bear B. Yogi Berra 7. When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole di erent way of thinking. A. Elaine Boosler B. Genghis Khan 8. "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. A. Abraham Lincoln B. Agatha Christie

    Answers (all true): 1-A, 2-A, 3-B, 4-A, 5-B, 6-B, 7-A, 8-B

    Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8: Mercenary, 5-6: Martyr, 3-4: Jehovah's Witness, 1-2: Dapper, 0: Zombie Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.

  • September 2013 5

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