Foolish Times - September 2013

September 2013

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*Couple’s Duet Room Oldtown Salinas location only

20122013

SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool [email protected] P.

The Chucklehead Speaks: Editor's Note:

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Taking over a publication that has been delivering humor and the lighter side of life for 10 years is a big responsibility that I take very seriously.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s have some fun!

We have a seasoned staff and countywide distribu-tion system. We will continue to improve on content and technology that off ers advertisers better and more effi cient ways to grow their businesses while off ering readers a paper that has the courage to make you laugh and trigger your belly to move in ways it hasn’t in years.

Our readers are not fools; they’re chuckleheads and each month in the privacy of their bathroom they work hard to memorize their favorite jokes as printed in Foolish Times.

Please pick up a copy of the paper each month and be a chucklehead! Thanks for supporting the funny side of life and as the retiring Head Fool Mike would say, “don't forget the advertisers”.

This issue we say goodbye to our founding Head

Fool, Mike. What does he have to say about that …

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.” Well, actually,

William Shakespeare said that, but Mike would of if

he had thought of it!

Seriously … doesn’t happen often, but here goes

a direct quote from Mike, “Many thanks to all of our

contributors, readers, advertisers, businesses, friends

and family who have supported my not-so-foolhardy

successful publishing adventure! Not a fool’s errand

by any stretch of the imagination. Keep reading!”

The faces may change but one thing remains

constant … we print silly, foolish, funny stuff !

Enjoy!

September 2013What the (BLEEP )is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can fi nd (some months we search harder than oth-ers). The opinions or ideas expressed by con-tributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graph-ics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public fi gures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers: For rate information, email [email protected] or

call 831.233.3122For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools:Chucklehead .........................................Stevie P.Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q.Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.Sales Fool ........................................Elizabeth S.

C ontributors:Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Jordan Hall, Rex Keys, Mike Larsen, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary

Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood

Subscriptions:One year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over

the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post offi ce and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box

4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for fi rst delivery. No kidding. Snails

are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.

Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 • Monterey, CA 93942

Phone/Fax: 831.648.1038www.foolishtimes.net

September 20134

www.foolishtimes.net

BY REX KEYES

For several years now, In-N-Out Burger has been trying to get one of their fast food establishments on the Monterey Peninsula but to no avail. They have been blocked at every turn. So what could possibly be the problem? Could it be that the politicians have stock in Burger King, McDonald’s, Carl ’s Jr. , Wendy ’s or Jack in the Box? I am surprised that no one has asked for full disclosure, conflict of interests.

One set of environmentalists is pitted against others, one that craves healthy fast foods against those of namely no growth, carbon footprint, cows emitting gaseous emissions to the environment (greenhouse) and local residents protesting traffic impacts. This is not to mention the myriad of government entities from which approval is needed; the planning commission, city hall and the almighty coastal commission.

Now, In-N-Out enthusiasts must undertake a long journey inland to the city of Salinas to enjoy their favorite food. They must cross along a narrow

two-lane road that meanders through valleys and the coastal mountains.

And how do we, the people of Salinas know that the Monterey Peninsula residents make this long pilgrimage? I t is as simple as distinguishing day and night. One can tell by the cars they drive as they enter the drive thru or park ing lot. First of all, some of them have that l ittle metal badge or shield attached to the gril l of their car proudly proclaiming that they live in Del Monte Forest or Pebble Beach. Next, their choice of vehicle for their tr ip is usually a high mileage hybrid called a Toyota Prius, not a Honda Insight, and “Heavens to Betsy ” never a Ford or Chevy. Their l icense plate holders also state the name of their local dealerships in Monterey. Finally many of them have a bumper sticker attached to their car ask ing everyone to save something from the ocean: “Save the Whales,” “Save our Shores,” and those pesky 80 pound crustacean eating carnivores “Save the Otters.”

I t has been known that people who live in Salinas and work in Monterey have been into smuggling from time to time. They pick up some In-N-Out burgers prior to going to work and sell them for a profit to their local compatriots at work .

And as the messenger from the residents of Salinas to those of the Monterey Peninsula, I forward these words, “Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na we have an In-N-Out and you don’t.”

In-N-Out is In

“It has been known that people who live in Salinas and

work in Monterey have been into smuggling from time to time. ”

Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

Can you guess who said the following?1. "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." A. John Kenneth GalbraithB. Bill Buckner 2. "You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that's enough to make a decent living." A. W.C. Fields B. Alex Rodriguez 3. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " A. Pope Francis B. Frank Sinatra 4. " I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par." A. Chi-Chi Rodriguez B. Plato 5. "True friends stab you in the front." A. Julius Caesar B. Oscar Wilde 6. “You gotta be careful if you don't know where you're going, otherwise you might not get there.” A. Yogi Bear B. Yogi Berra 7. “When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole di� erent way of thinking.” A. Elaine Boosler B. Genghis Khan 8. "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” A. Abraham Lincoln B. Agatha Christie

Answers (all true): 1-A, 2-A, 3-B, 4-A, 5-B, 6-B, 7-A, 8-B

Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8: Mercenary, 5-6: Martyr, 3-4: Jehovah's Witness, 1-2: Dapper, 0: Zombie Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.

September 2013 5


Post No BillsHundreds of specialty & seasonal beers

ciders & craft sodas, BYOFDrink in or take out, both draft & bottles

600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City831.324.4667

www.postnobills.net

BEER

Del Monte CaféGreat breakfast & lunch

Fresh handmade burgers to order1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside

831.394.7851www.delmontecafeseaside.com

CAFÉ

KoKo’s CaféGreek gyros, freshly made baklava

Homemade gelatos, co� ee bar419 Alvarado St, Monterey

831.375.3777www.kokosmonterey.com

Monterey Crepe Co.Sweet & savory artisan crepes

European street food at its best321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St

831.373.4646 831.375.4646www.montereycrepecompany.com

Trailside CaféA local favorite.

Fish tacos, salads, benedictsBeer, local wine list, full co� ee bar

Ocean view, heated patio550 Wave St, Monterey

831-649.8600www.trailsidecafe.com

DONUTSRed’s

Voted best donuts since before time!An iconic meeting place for locals

Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts433 Alvarado St, Monterey1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESEJim’s

Lots of food for so little money!Voted one of the top 100 best

Chinese restaurants in the county1584 Del Monte Ave, Seaside

831.394.5117

Full MoonA local favorite, lunch specials

Warm hospitality and perfect portionsMandarin cuisine at its best429 Alvarado St, Monterey

831.333.1288

Noodle BarVietnamese meets Chinese!

Inexpensive, not cheap! Boba drinks1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside215 Reservation Rd, Marina831.392.2010 831.384.6225www.noodlebarfood.com

ITALIANLa Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life”

Charming date night or family gathering place

Great wine list indoor & patio seating5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores

Carmel 831.624.3667www.ladolcevitacarmel.com

Gino’sVoted Best Restaurant in SalinasThe Bozzo family has been at it

since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.1410 S Main St, Salinas

831.422.1814www.ginospasta.com

Loose Noodle Pasta HouseLunch & dinner specials

Cozy, elegant dining for 2 or party of 20538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey

831.641.0130

MEXICANMando’s

Casual family diningFlamenco dancers every third Friday

162 Fountain St, PG831.656.9235

Lopez Cantina Award winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious

Can you say tequila!635 Cass St, Monterey

831.324.4260www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com

PUBSCrown & Anchor

Home of Basal! A classic British owned& operated pub. Late night menu

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey831.649.6496

www.crownandanchor.net

Du� y’s TavernThe friendliest military watering hole in town

Best burgers and coldest beer aroundAll you can eat Spaghetti every Monday

282 High St, Monterey831.372.2565

THAIBaan Thai

Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven

Local’s rave about this place1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside

831.394.2996www.baanthaiseaside.com

D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk

by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage.

Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina

831.883.9399www.dannathaikitchen.com

Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional

Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown

328 Main St Oldtown Salinas831.754.2223

ADVERTISEYOUR RESTAURANT

HERE

September 20136


Salty Senior Silliness

FINAL REQUESTAn elderly woman from

Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I ' l l be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

ELDERLY WOMEN DRIVERS Two elderly women Marie

and Edith were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. Edith, in the passenger seat, thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.

This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Marie and

said, "Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have k il led us!"

Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

A DIME A DOZEN While visiting a retirement

community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk . "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick ."

PULL THE PLUG Barry and Hannah, an old

married couple, are sitting on the couch watching T V. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc.

“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it .”

“No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the T V, and poured his beer down the drain.

DON'T ASK Mrs. Green lived in two story

house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit

nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.

“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.

“How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it ’s none of your business how old she is.”

BRAIN FADE Grandma Sally ’s first great-

grandchild was born and after

a few weeks, when the parents need a break, she was given the job of watching her.

“Let me see the little cutie,” begs her fr iend Gerty.

“Not yet”, Sally responds. When she again refuses five

minutes later Gerty has had enough “what are you waiting for?” she fumed.

“I’m waiting for her to cry.” “Why is that?” questioned

Gerty. “Well, because I forgot where

I put her!”

FLYING IN THE PLANE

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire

deepened each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, $10 is $10."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least

watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.

The pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to the problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you make one sound, you pay $10.

So off they flew. The pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pull-ing out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he

admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but $10 is $10.

September 2013 7


September 20138

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

AIRLINE SMALL TALKAs when most people fly on air-

lines, sometimes one strikes up a conversation with the passenger sitting next to you. In a conver-sation on a long flight a women next to me mentioned that she had ten kids.

So I said, “Ten kids, whoa, that’s a lot. How do you remember all their names? It must be quite dif-ficult especially if you want to call one of them for dinner?”

“Oh that’s quite easy” she said, “I name them all Mike. And when I call them for dinner I say Mike, Mike, dinner is ready and they all come.”

“Well that is very ingenious,” I replied “but what I meant is, what if you want to call a specific indi-vidual one for dinner?” “Oh that’s easy too,” she said “then I call each of them by their specific individu-al last names.”

WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM BEFORE?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a

noise he heard in the engine," ex-plained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pi-lot."

TROUBLE WITH PLANE ENGINES

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the win-dow.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; sud-denly the aircraft was rocked by a sec-ond blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and as-sured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several pack-ages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member at-tached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passen-ger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was noth-ing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

A BLIND PILOT IS FLYING THIS PLANE?

I was flying from San Fran-cisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpect-edly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty min-utes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him through-out the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot ap-proached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacra-mento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?" Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglass-es that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Q: What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? A: If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

Q: Why are spiders good swimmers? A: They have webbed feet!

Q: How do you spot a modern spider?A: He doesn't have a web he had a website!

Q: What are spiders webs good for? A: Spiders!

Q: What kind of doctors are like spiders? A: Spin doctors!

Q: What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant? A: I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!

Q: What did the spider say to the � y? A: We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?

Q: What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? A: It became a daddy short legs!

September 2013 9


Aries : March 21 - April 19

Time is running out! IT has had enough of your fl irting with disaster. All your debt will need to be paid up or take the fall in September. You have been happily helping others in their crisis and brown nosing won’t tunnel your way into a healthy new you. Mr. Mole knows about saying NO! That is why he burrows so.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Time stood still for eleven days in 1752...nothing literally happened. Your label is fool if you are waiting for this to happen again. Pope Groggy said; “We have to give up old traditions and cre-ate form from the vastness, otherwise we are to be mere projection or worse, a novelty.” So Bull’s Foot, is it time for an anger management group?

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Seeeeeee Youuuuuu...in SEPT-EM-BER…or whenever dude...Catch up later... been so busy...sorry I didn’t get back to you...fell behind...trying to get ahead...gotta run...text...later.GEM, you are best known for your responsive-ness. Yet you must question the great Gap between the waistline of your pants hanging on your kneecaps and the simultaneous unveiling of your Victor/Victoria Secret rump! Mend a trend GEM, your behind...is a saggy salutation.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

As the drab Dungeness, you must drag yourself out of the crag and take time in the sun and dry your tears from a bum...wrap--per caught in your gullet. Ask your friend the Mullet, and she will say back on one’s claws...out from under...a second wind! Your heart is your life jacket, blow, and lit-terbugs still a nasty racket.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Carpe Diem! A great day in the history

of sleep! Not quite Pompeii, but your narcoleptic prowess under the Buwa-ga Tree for 11 days was su-burp. While us native-fool members of “set the calendar straight” club relinquished our power naps to hold space for you! What a cheat... I mean feat!

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

September means seven yet this is the ninth month. Irritating? You want to fi x it. Nonsense! It’s not broken and nei-ther are you. No one was born for 11 days in September of 1752 ~ however, you were. You were such a Go-getter you let yourself become. Where you came from remains a misery, I mean mystery. You are still growing, I mean glowing. Time is on your side. Happy Birthday!

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Mr. Run Amok just alerted his Rage-Aholi tribe that they were to purge their egos. Your unreliability fl ourished when you promised them to synchro-nize the moon and the sun cycles. Mother Nature released unbounding fl atulence! Quickly apply your graceful and hospitable charm and then per-haps the tribe will free you. At worst, you will attract an intervention from Zeus. Can you balance a monsoon?

Scorpio: October 23 - Nov. 21

Lower your voice or you may be forced to seek treatment, and you know how you feel about pastel colors! Regenera-tion can be attained with a melodious tone. Be a mystery in plain sight! How could Queen Elizabeth’s calendar hold court for 180 years if she approached her task in this manner: “Bloody hell it be ace to get a steamy hot romping battle but we have to change the cal-endar you bugger!”

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

September is recovery month and yet for you practically a cataleptic experi-ence. Time will heal your haste but not

in a blink of an eye like does your bow and arrow waste! Start by stop picking on the older folks in your healing cir-cle. Think like Superman! No... You can-not reap tall glasses in a single round.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 - January 19

Eat Snakes! An old expression mean-ing to shed old skin and to restore oneself to a renewed condition, since you are in the form of a Goatfi sh, these two parts must reconcile. Begin at rock bottom, work your way lento up the colorful scales, and end at the caped horn. By then you may announce yourself hot under the whiskers.

Aquarius: January 23 - Feb. 18

Does a skyscraper scrape the sky? Can too much friendliness be a hazard like laughter at a funeral? Were holidays

pegged for certain dates to satisfy the faint at heart? Is this all a farce you ask. Well, is that chip on your shoulder? Or are you Venus de Milo? Call things as you see them. You cannot be part of the herd, but you must be heard. Rec-ognize your signifi cance...

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

You Visceral Glyph! Say do you re-member 21st night in September?! Ba de Ya! While everyone else perplexed at watching nothing, you urged with a dark wave into the last fl ush of twilight and escaped from the treachery of Ty-phon, Ba de ya! You are with the living now and have certainly arrived! A pre-cautionary measure PI: meter reading on the medicinal stuff --Good idea. I don’t know which is more treacherous for you Typhon...or Thai-shtick!

Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: [email protected]

BY BINI

Airport Shuttle Serving SFO, SJC and Monterey Airport

PSC 1620 See our schedule at www.montereyairbus.com

September 201310

BY MARY TOMPSET T

I was just minding my own business, evicting a few shriveled oranges from the drawer in the fridge, when God spoke to me. I knew it was God because she always gets her L’s and R’s mixed up, saying, “Maly, this month you should wlite an advice corumn.” God also suggested that I name the column You’re Kidding, Right? but I prefer to call it Listen Up, Bozo. Anyway, here goes.

Q – I used to have great vision, but lately small print looks blurry. Should I get my eyes tested?

A – Your vision is fi ne. You are experiencing a scientifi c phenomenon called photon pooling. Photons, as we know, are whirling everywhere like drunken square-dancers. But over time they leave the surfaces of books, street

signs, and the ingredient labels on salad dressings, making it really hard to read stuff . The rogue photons begin loitering elsewhere in groups, often hovering near desserts and cleavage. This means that from fi fty yards away we can still spot a pair of colossal cupcakes, so to speak.

Photons are known to hatch their young in dressing rooms and then fl ee the store in search of residential mirrors on which to camp. This is why those jeans looked pretty damn good in the dressing room but later at home you try them on and say, WTF?!?” Photons are always screwing with us.

Be careful, all youngish people! Photon pooling may not be a problem now, but one day you too will look into a photon-covered mirror at home and discover you’ve turned into one of your parents. Could we learn to mitigate and ameliorate the deleterious eff ects of nonspecifi c photon aggregation? On the other hand, could we close

the thesaurus and speak normally?? Okay, on to Question #2. The

following Q/A is taken directly from “Ask Dan,” an actual advice column in my local newspaper.

Q – Since my husband retired, he likes to take a daily nap. The problem is that he wants me to nap with him. I’ve tried, but he snores, and I’d rather do other things I enjoy. Help!

Dan replied: A - He wants to be close, to love

and appreciate you even when he’s not awake. Maybe he also feels guilty for all the decades he worked hard and wasn’t attentive. So, be considerate of his wishes. I suggest you lie down with him, wait till he’s

asleep and then quietly get up. Wake him before he comes to, so he won’t realize you didn’t sleep, and assure him how much you enjoy sharing his nap.

And I say: Right on, Danny boy! You are proof positive that being raised by armadillos need not keep anyone from tossing out relationship advice. Why should the lady muck up her marriage with something so avoidable as honesty? Man, that is one selfi sh bitch! They just don’t make wives like they used to, when a wife would agree with a smile, pretend to nap, slither out of bed, and then lie about it—all the while resisting the overwhelming urge to poison his Ensure.

© 2013 by Mary Tompsett

Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com

"Why should the lady muck up her marriage with something

so avoidable as honesty? "

Phoolish Photons and Selfish SpousesA

nsw

ers

on

Pag

e 20

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street

with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'. ''The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, you've got a

heart murmur; be careful."

Submitted by J. Karl Nicholas, M.D., board certi� ed in Phlebology.Dr. Nicholas can tell jokes in English and Spanish. Contrary to the rumors,he isn’t giving up his day job to pursue comedy any time soon.

JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

FUNNY BONES

September 2013 11


The one and only Monterey Bay Area Certified Green auto body

234 Ramona Ave. Monterey • www.roberts-autorepair.com

Open Monday - Friday 7:30am - 5:30pm

831-373-1534

Offers Expire 12-31-2013 Offers Expire 12-31-2013

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September 2013 13


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September 201314


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September 2013 15


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September 201316


BY TOM BURNS

[Editor’s note: Approximately four years ago, Tom, on a whim, took Rex to see an animal hypnotherapist who assured anyone that he could hypnotize people’s pets. The pets can be questioned as to relationship matters with their owner/caregivers, past life regressions, or general information on the level of understandings that apparent simple-minded pets may have.

The session was taped, and Tom felt the incident had been a rip-off and took the tape but never listened to it. It had been stashed away, lost, and eventually, curiously, found its way to the desks of FoolishTimes. What follows is an actual word-for-word transcript of that missing tape. The hypnotherapist begins.]

“So, Rex, you are getting sleepy. Your paws are growing heavy. Your long ears are growing heavy. Your eyelids start to slowly close as you enter into canine bliss. Tell me what you see, Rex.”

“The clock on your wall. The goldfi sh in the bowl who needs her water changed. The photo of Milton Erickson on your other wall.”

“My, I’m surprised you know about Milton Erikson.”

“I’m surprised you don’t know about the goldfi sh needing fresh water.”

“So, Rex. Let’s cut to the chase. How’s it going with you? Do you get along with Tom?”

There is a long silence on the tape. Rex is not answering the hypnotherapist’s inquiry.

“A-hum. Rex. Rex. I asked you a question . . .”

Again there is a long silence on the tape, then, fi nally . . .

“Tom and I are okay. I guess . . .”“Is he good to you? Take you for

walks, bathe you, keep you relatively free of ticks and fl eas?”

“Yes. Tom is good to me. In that department.”

“Which begs the question . . .”“Sometimes Tom makes me do

things . . .”“Makes you do things . . .?”“Makes me do things . . .”

“Makes you do things . . .?“Yes, makes . . . hey, haven’t we

kind of overworked this phrase?”“Pray tell. What does he make

you do? Is he a sexual deviant? Does he like to wash his mother’s hair on Saturday nights? Does he wear women’s clothing around the house? Does he wet the bed? Does he . . .?

Rex hesitates for a moment. “He. He ah. Tom ah . . .”

“Go on, man. Spit it out!”“Sometimes Tom pushes my

forearms up against my chest, then duct tapes my folded up arms to my chest, which leaves my paws dangling down, which makes me look like a long-eared Tyrannosaurus continued on page 20

The Lost Rex Tapes

TIME, our illusive

metronome, amplifi es the

importance of our being

foolish, time after time we

try to spare it, catch up to it

or out run it,

only time can tell.

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September 2013 17


BY ROSIE SORENSON

Lately, I ’ve been pretty darned annoyed with words. At how they ’ve allowed themselves to be used in such a tawdry manner – have they no shame? Did their Moms and Dads forget to educate them in proper usage? Apparently so, since we have seen in the past few months many examples of words running amok. Where are the Word Police when you need them most?

First (and hopefully soon-to-be last), Anthony Weiner. For a politician such as Mr. Weiner who traffics in words, you’d think he’d have some control over his language, but I guess that ’s ask ing too much from a man who likes to drop trou and send photos of his Special Thing to young women not his wife.

When he gave a speech in New York City last month, alongside his beleaguered spouse, he said with a straight face, “I want to bring my vision to the people of the city of New York .” Well, see, Anthony, here’s the problem. You’ve already shared your special “vision” with many women in New York City and as a result it looks like you’ve come up short with the voters. So, please tuck that vision thing away where it can’t hurt anyone.

Here’s another bit of language gone mad: “Aggravated.”

Dominique Strauss Kahn, 64, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and previous French presidential

hopeful, has been charged in France with “Aggravated Pimping.” “Aggravated Pimping?” You have to wonder, what does he have to be aggravated about? He’s been at the top of the political food chain for years and apparently enjoyed its many perks – orgies where, unbeknownst (wink, wink) to him, some of the young women were prostitutes. Prostitutes! The shock of it all !

You might remember Mr. Strauss Kahn for his previous exploits in a Manhattan Hotel room where, perhaps tired of paying for sex, he allegedly attempted to rape one of the maids. Criminal charges were dropped in that case but he settled out of court in a civil tr ial. I ’m sure the irony of that judgment was not lost on him – pay but no play. Poor baby.

I have no idea what “Aggravated Pimping” means, but as happens with many criminal citations, he could possibly plead guilty to a lesser charge, say, “A Little-Bit-Annoyed” Pimping,” or “I rked Pimping,” or even “Peeved Pimping.” For a reduced charge, the judge might extract a small fine along with Strauss Kahn’s promise to be a Good Boy from now on. Wink wink.

Last on my list comes an ad in the “Writing Gigs” section of CraigsList. I enjoy perusing the “Writing Gigs” ads just in case

someone is looking to pay me huge sums of money to write funny stuff.

A week ago, I came across the following ad: “need help righting my autobio (sausalito).” I did not respond because the ad itself was way worse than the title. The title, though, had a certain charm. Isn’t that we all need - someone to “r ight” our l ives? I know I could use me some of that “r ighting.”

The body of the ad, as written: “i would like to right a book about religous indoctornation, i can not spell or wright verry well but i have a best seller bio, if someone could help me, i would be will ing to split all momeys made 50/50, the only requierments are.. . have

an open mind able to spell and wright . . .” Better the writer should have received some English “indoctornation.”

Wrods mattre, peepul! Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.

Wrods Mattre, Peepul!

“Here’s another bit of language gone mad: 'Aggravated' .”

September 201318


BY TED GARGIULO

Welcome, patrons! I t gives me extraordinary pleasure, as president and artistic manager of the Noodles Civic Opera Association, to unveil our 2013-14 season. And what an audacious lineup we have in store for you!

The excitement begins this Fall, when music director Alvin McBloodfrey conducts the world premiere presentation of "Don Schifoso" by Hugo Von Zitti . Be there!

In December, San Francisco superstar Jason Avonadonis makes his Noodles debut singing the role of Michael in an all-male production of Bizet's "Carmine."

Next, "No Pagliaccio, Non-Sung," a spoken rendition of Leoncavallo's classic drama, launches our new "Opera Without Music" series in April. The innovative staging places the audience on the proscenium and the action in the orchestra pit, while the musicians take the night off. Limited seating available!

And finally, Ms. Liza Lepescu, direct from a three month tour of the Catsk ill Cabaret circuit, stars in the Yiddish Theater production of "You’re A Good Mensch, Charlie Brown.”

Who’s WhoCranston Waldo was born

deaf and cannot sing a note. The self-styled "basso-passivo" will l ip-sync the title role of Don Schifoso with a recording made by a real singer (who prefers to remain anonymous).

Serena Coke-Sweeney

charmed the pants off our music director—literally and figuratively—to win the coveted soprano lead in von Zitti ’s masterpiece. During Noodles’ off-season, the multi-talented diva can be seen at Hooligan's Trough, where she raps, str ip dances and mud wrestles on Friday nights.

Ciuccio del Nunzio, an ex-train announcer from Brooklyn, was the Voice of Dekalb Avenue on the BMT line ("Watch ya step, please, watch da daws!"). He’ll be thril l ing Noodles’ audiences with his r ich announcer's voice, made even richer by his own portable PA system, which he takes with him wherever he per forms.

Clarice MacAdoo, bred in Zucchini, Indiana, made her theatrical debut as a banana in a Fruit-of –the-Loom Commercial. When not stealing the Noodles spotlight from Ms. Coke-Sweeney [see above], she combines her love of opera and culinary as head chef and chanteuse at the Sfingi Gril l in Boston's North End. Among her scrumptious, music-inspired recipes: Beethoven's "Egmont Parmigiana" and Verdi's "La Battaglia di Linguini."

Latecomers, please note: Per formances begin promptly at 8 pm. However, if your extraordinary personal circumstances prevent you from arriving on time, don’t fret. Per formances will start over at

8:15 pm, and again at 8:30 pm, so that lazy, special-privileged characters l ike you can catch up on anything you missed.

Disgruntled Attendees: I f, during the first hour of per formance, you’re not 100 percent satisfied with the production, or if you decide that opera isn’t your bag, simply take your ticket stubs across the street to Paolo's Puppet Theater where you can enjoy, at no extra charge, an evening of easy, undemanding escapism.

For Your Comfort: Programs are shaped and pleated like fans to help keep you cool during

those hot, stuffy evenings when we're too cheap to run the air conditioner.

Remember, nothing says "Get a Life" l ike tickets to the opera. This year, consider a Noodles Gift Subscription for those boorish, uncultured relatives and coworkers who lack your sophistication.

On behalf of the cast, the administrators and the entire janitorial staff here at Noodles, I want to thank all of you for your support. Please come again. Please!

Sincerely,Sir John "Chickee" Noodles

What’s New at Noodles

" The innovative staging places the audience on

the proscenium. "

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die

you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write

on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

September 2013 19


BY MIKE L ARSEN

I recently went and saw the new “OZ” movie and thought to myself how much dealing with the cable company was similar to this movie, a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

About two weeks ago we here in the Santa Cruz area started getting notified across the top of certain TV channels that in order to keep receiving these particular channels, we would have to go down to the cable office or call an 800 number to have a new digital converter shipped to our homes.

To the chagrin of many customers, after calling the 800 number we were told to go down to the local cable office anyway and to pick up the converter. When many did so, they were told the boxes weren't in and would be mailed out. BUT! Before anyone could do anything they turned the channels off. No more history, sports or Animal Planet, Oh MY!

On Monday, my friend L’N called me up and asked me to go with her to the cable office, saying it would just be a few minutes of my time and then she would take me out my favorite coffee house. “Ah coffee, my week spot.” As we drove up to the office we could see that there was a line trailing outside and down the side of the parking lot of about 30 town people, which I swear were holding pitchforks and torches. I thought I was entering the dark forest. As we stood there, we started hearing about everyone’s yellow brick road experience with the cable company. Standing next to us, one guy was holding all his TV equipment because the day before he picked up his new box and converter and it started smoking and melting when he plugged it in. One lady was in line for the third time because the last two times she had come down to the office,

they had run out of converters. Another lady was in line because all her channels went out not just the digital ones.

We also found out that if you die, cable will not turn off your service until you present a death certificate. Really, this lady in front of us was standing in line because her father had died and they would not turn off his service until she provided a copy of his death certificate. So there she was holding all of her paper work, along with that huge cable box, cables and remotes spilling out of her arms.

As we were standing there more and more people joined the line. Seniors looking forlorn did not get any sympathy from us. No way! “First come, first serve baby! This is cable great and powerful!” Since everyone was grumbling I found myself getting all worked up into an angry frenzy and now wanted to give the customer service rep a piece of my mind! But when we got to the front of the line, what I was expecting to find was the wicked witch of the west but instead got Glenda the good witch, well, really his name was Glen. And he was very nice and full of all the right customer service words and assurances that one needs to work in that kind of job. He offered us a six month discount and free converters per TV. Hey, how can you throw water on that one! After leaving there, I started thinking about how cable had the power to literally bring people to their knees. In this case though there are no ruby slippers at the end of the rainbow, just Glen giving us our converter box’s and wishing us many happy reruns in TV land, which by the way may cost us more in the future, for he advised us our rates are going up. I swear after we were done he was whisked away in a bubble.

Cable the Great and Powerful!

Photo 1

At a glance, these two photos look alike. However, the one on the bottom has been

subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot

the diff erences? Answers on page 33!

Photo 2

September 201320


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continued from page 16 - Rex

continued from page 10 - Laughs

foolish sudoku's answersfrom page 10

foolish search's answersfrom page 15

Rex. Then he sits me on the couch with my back up against the cushion back and I look like Tyrannosaurus Rex sitting on his couch. He brings friends over to look at me. They take pictures of me and laugh at me.”

“And this belittles you . . .”“Yes. They laugh at me. Usually

alcohol is involved. Lots of it. Once he did that to his girlfriend, Kimmie the CPA. She was naked on the couch with her forearms duct taped up. Then he did it to me and sat me on the couch next to her. We looked like two Tyrannosaurus Rex’s, only I guess, technically, she was Tyrannosaurus Kimmie.”

“And were there other men there, drinking and watching you two? You and naked Kimmie?”

“No, but he put the photo on FaceBook.”

“Anything else, Rex?”“Sometimes Tom makes his Spam

Henge Pizza and makes me eat it with him for dinner.”

“Dear God in Heaven, what is Spam Henge Pizza?”

“A Stone Henge model made from Spam and placed as a food panorama on a pizza crust. Little bushes made from parsley. Slabs of Velveeta to hold it all in place.”

There is a short silence, and in the background can be heard the hypnotherapist nervously muttering, “Holy Mary Mother of Jesus.”

[end of tape.]Rex and Tom can be reached at

[email protected]

September 2013 21


FOOLISH FUNNIESB.B.Q.

"I can't � nd a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

A couple was delighted when � nally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they � lled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

A blonde goes for a job interview in an o� ce.The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her � ngers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uh, just to con� rm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 20 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely ba� ed at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on

your � ngers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh that!" replies the blonde."That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

your � ngers to work out your age,

September 201322


FOOLIN' AROUND TOWNEvery Friday night in September

Planet Gemini Monterey’s #1 comedy and

dance nightspot! Featuring local & nationally known

headlining comedianswww.planetgemini.com

September 7-28Western Stage: Zoot Suit

A fascinating drama with music that takes place in the barrios of

Los Angeles during the 1940s and it plays against the

backdrop of World War II and the Zoot Suit Riots.

This was the � rst Chicano play presented on Broadway.

www.westernstage.com

September 7 The Suborbitals at Cooper’s

Pub in Cannery Row In the movie, “Big Daddy”

starring Adam Sandler, it was said that Styx is the greatest American rock band in the

world. Come out to see The Suborbitals and see why

this statement is not true! A local favorite with a much

anticipated second CD looming. thesuborbitals.bandcamp.com

September 8 National Grandparents Day

The goals are to honor grandparents and to strengthen

the bond between grandpar-ents and grandchildren. How is that working for you fellow

grandparents? www.grandparents-day.com

September 12-15 Cherry’s Jubilee

Just when you thought that all the “cool” cars had left

the county.All proceeds will support the

Pediatric equipment and services at Salinas Valley

Memorial Hospital. www.cherrysjubilee.org

September 14-15 Monterey Bay OktoberfestAs celebrated in the past, this

traditional German style outdoor festival promises to be

a rousing beer garden party, with all the foamy fun and

frivolity that millions of beer lovers across the world have

come to enjoy.Event sponsor Andre Lengacher,

Chef and Owner of Lugano Swiss Bistro, says:

“To me, Oktoberfest is a great time of camaraderie, beer, dancing, Lederhosen, fun...

it’s just fun.” www.oktoberfestmontereybay.com

September 14-15Monterey Bay Karters

If you don’t know about the racing at the airport in Marina,

you’re not alone. High speed go carts are a blast

to watch and cheer on! www.montereybaykarters.com

September 20-22Monterey Jazz Festival

The world’s longest running jazz festival in the world celebrates its

56th year. 500 artists, 8 stages, 2 days 3 nights.

www.montereyjazzfestival.org

September 21-22 CA International Airshow

The Salinas Airshow is recognized as one of the most successful, community-based air shows

in the Country which is produced each year by an all-volunteer

committee driven organization. Since its inception in 1981,

the event has raised over $7 million dollars

for local charities. www.salinasairshow.com

September 27-29 FIM Superbike

World Championship at Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca

For those who ride, the thrill of speed on two wheels is what living is all about. FIM o� ers

racing high-performance bikes very similar to the ones right o�

the showroom � oor. There is plenty of nail-biting

racing to enjoy featuring international riders.

www.mazdaraceway.com

September 2013 23


September 2013 23


Cypress StudioLuxury Japanese

Massage831-333-9617 580 Casanove Ave. Monterey

New Hours!Sun-Thur: 10am-Midnight

Friday-Sat: 10am-1am

LLLRemodels

Decks (New & Repairs)

Fence Installation

Paint Interior & Exterior

Retaining Walls

10% off on any new project

To advertise on the Cork Board Call:648.1038

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Foolish Times - September 2013