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Foolish Times - April Issue

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Monthly newspaper full of laughs!

Text of Foolish Times - April Issue

  • April 2013

  • April 20132

    Terms, conditions and fees of accounts, programs, products and services are subject to change. This is not a commitment to lend. All loans are subject to credit and property approval. Certain restrictions may apply on all programs. Offer cannot be combined with any other mortgage offer. 1 SureStart is a registered service mark of Citigroup Inc. Final commitment is subject to verification of information, receipt of a satisfactory sales contract on the home you wish to purchase, appraisal and title report, and meeting our customary closing conditions. This offer is not a commitment to lend and is subject to change without notice. There is no charge

    for the SureStart pre-approval, but standard application and commitment fees apply.2 If you are purchasing a home, we guarantee to close by the date specified in the purchase contract, unless prohibited by federal law*, and further provided that the date is at least 30 days after the application date and the date of the purchase contract. If the loan fails to close on time due to a delay by Citibank, you will receive a credit towards closing costs of

    $1,500. Offer not available for refinance loans, co-ops, unapproved condos, residences under construction, community lending loans, and government loans. In Texas, the credit may not result in your client receiving cash back. (*Federal law requires certain disclosures be delivered to the borrower at least 3 business days before consummation. The guarantee to close does not apply if such disclosures are required and the closing is delayed due to the 3 business day waiting period.)

    3 Eligible buyers receive .50% of the loan amount as a credit, which can be used to lower the interest rate by paying points or for other closing costs. For example, on a loan amount of $400,000 the credit is $2,000. The offer cannot be used to obtain cash from the transaction. Offer available on purchase transactions only, not refinance. This is a limited time offer. Citibank reserves the right to suspend, change and terminate the offer and promotion. Customer must apply and lock in rate by the offer end date to qualify. 2012 Citibank, N. A. equal housing lender, member FDIC. Citi, Citibank, Arc Design and Citi with Arc Design are registered service marks of Citigroup Inc.

    From pre-approval to closing, we will guide you through the homebuying process.

    Citibank offers you:

    Free pre-approval with SureStart 1

    $1,500 on-time closing guarantee 2

    Citi Homebuyers Advantage 3

    Jumbo Product Offerings:

    15 and 30 year fixed

    5/1 and 10/1 ARM

    Loans over $3 million may be available on exception basis to well-qualified buyers

    To learn more about working with Citibank, please contact:

    Domingo Alvarez Home Lending [email protected]#670166


    features local favorites

    and well known artistslike bernadette conant and the angus scrimm

    including yes, band of horses, lou reed, krs-one how to destroy angels and dead can dance

    join our weekly newsletter and get newson ticket info before anyone else

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    MIKE The Head Fool

    The Head Fool Speaks: Editor's Note:

    Like Us and More:

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    Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

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    Check out our website with your QR enabled smart phone. You will

    nd jokes, articles and savings.

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    Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

    links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

    Savings Galore

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    Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

    Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

    links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

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    Find out how, call the Head Fool:Mike

    [email protected]

    We Are Expanding, Join Our Team!

    Have Your Own Territory andYour Own Business!

    SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool [email protected]

    For those of you who are wise enough to get FT early

    by waiting for the ink to dry at the printers, theres still

    time to get the last few tickets for the comedy night on

    the 1st. Come join us at the Trailside Caf for a buff et

    dinner and comedy show! Happy unoffi cial Bday to us!

    I feel like a walking billboard (comedy show, Hot Dog

    cart, FT ). Time for a nap.

    I was going through a box of childhood pictures not long ago one of those rainy day projects where I think Im going to scan them all, ha! Anyway, remember as a kid when your mom made you sit on the Easter Bunnys lap for a picture? Mine all show me screaming in terror! Even now, the thought of hidden chocolate eggs is a little creepy.

    Anyway, the Easter bunny has come and gone. Hope it wasnt too traumatic.

    We have a lot happening this month. Its our unofficial birthday! Celebrate with us by helping to name our new Foolish Mascot. Check out page 17 for details. Well also be resting on our laurels after the success of our annual Comedy Night. If you were there, thanks! If not that was foolish of you!

    In case you didnt notice, the crossword is back. If you get all the right answers, you could win a prize. You could actually guess at the answers and probably win too! Either way, send us your best attempt; were awarding a prize to the 7th entry we receive. Dont delay!

    So, eat some cake on us this month. We make a good napkin.

    Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny.


    CONTACT SUSIE [email protected]

    April 2013What the (BLEEP )is Foolish Times?

    Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can fi nd (some months we search harder than oth-ers). The opinions or ideas expressed by con-tributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graph-ics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called writers and artists who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public fi gures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

    Submissions: Were eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to [email protected] However, sub-missions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. We off er no payment to con-tributors at this time (were saving to buy stamps).

    Advertisers: For rate information, email

    [email protected] or call 831-648-1038

    For rat information, call your exterminator

    List of Fools:Head Fool .................................................Mike M.Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q.Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.

    C ontributors:Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo,

    Quarlen Qurossman, Robyn Justo, Mike T, Rosie Sorenson, Mary

    Tomsett, Monty Truitt, Jordan Hall, Mike Larsen, Hunter Kosmala

    Subscriptions:One year, $49.00. (Thats a mere $49.00 over

    the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post offi ce and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box

    4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for fi rst delivery. No kidding. Snails

    are slow, man. Website: For best results, use a computer.

    Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942


  • April 20134

    Salty Senior Silliness

    THE SWISH A woman goes to the Doctor,

    worried about her husband's temper.

    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

    IT'S TOUGH TO BE OLD An 85-year-old man was

    requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a

    jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but noth