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Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

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Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010. Is “marriage” becoming some of the past?. - In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000. - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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Page 1: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Finding and Being a Winning Spouse

Salim S Yusufali

shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Page 2: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Is “marriage” becoming some of the past?

- In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000.

- In 2005 married couples became a minority of all American households for the first time

- Anecdotal evidence

So why should we get married? And what are the goals of marriage?

Page 3: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 1: Because God desires that we marry

Marry off the singles who are among you...(Surah Noor (24):32)

The Prophet (s) said that the most beloved building built in Islam is that of marriage

Motto of our existence from Ameer al-Mu'mineen (a):

8دا ع:ب ل:ك: @ون: :ك أ :ن8 أ C ا DزFع Fي ب :ف:ى ك :هFي Fل إ

O Allah! Honor for me is to be Your servant

Page 4: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 2: Because the Ahlul Bayt (a) want us to marry

The Prophet (s): Whoever has the means to get married but doesn’t marry isn’t from me.From Imam al-Sadiq (a): The Prophet forbade women from holding back and keeping themselves from marriage.

Page 5: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 3: It is the way we are created

• Shahwah / شهوة (Lust) or “attraction to beauty without regards to halal or haram” is a force placed within human soul

• Lust is a blessing from Allah• How to make use of this blessing?• Surah Yaseen (36): 36: Immaculate is He

who has created in pairs of what the earth grows, and of themselves, and of what they do not know. (According to a interpretation)

Page 6: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection

A woman comes to Imam al-Baqir (a), saying that she has decided to not marry in order to gain perfection. The Imam (a) tells her, “Desist from doing so! For if there were any perfection in doing that, Fatima (a) would have declined to marry, and none can surpass her perfection!” (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100, p. 219)

Hadith from Prophet (s): A muslim man gets no greater benefit after the benefit of Islam than a Muslim wife who pleases him when he looks at her and obeys him when he commands her and protects herself and his wealth when he is absent.

Page 7: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection (cont.)

A man comes to Imam Sadiq (a) and the Imam asks him if he is married. He says no. The Imam tells him, “My father said that, 'I would not choose the world and all that is over it over sleeping one night when not being married. A married sleeping person who prays two rakaats is better than a fasting single person who spends the night in prayer.'”

From the Prophet (s): A married person who sleeps is better in the view of God than the single person who spends the nights praying and the days fasting.

Page 8: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 5: Self Building

Hadith: Marry off your single people because God will better their akhlaq, and increase their rizq and their chivalry.Dealing with problems that arise because of marriage helps one to mature intellectually and emotionally

Page 9: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 6: Protection from Sinning

According to hadith, ½ to 2/3rd of of a young person's faith is protected from the Shaytan with marriageFrom the Prophet (s): Marry, or else you will be among the sinners. (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100, p. 221)

Page 10: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 7: Companionship

• Allah (swt) created us with a lack of tranquility and placed that tranquility within our spouse

• Imam Ali (a) regarding the rights of a wife over her husband: Allah (swt) has made her a means of tranquility, calm, and companionship.

• According to some leading scholars, this is the most important reason!

Misconception: I can find this companionship without getting married!

Page 11: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 8: Forging Family Ties

Imam al-Rida (a): Even if Allah (swt) and the Prophet (s) hadn't commanded us to marriage, benefits such as the coming together of relatives and the formation of new family bonds would have been sufficient encouragement... (Mizan al-Hikmah, v. 2, p. 1178)

Page 12: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 9: Serve God by Serving Others

One goal of marriage is to “take each other to paradise”How Ameer al-Mu'mineen (a) and Sayyida Fatima (a) described each other to the Prophet (s) when he approached them after their wedding

Page 13: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 10: Opportunity to Raise Children

Prophet (s) takes pride in the children of his ummahChildren increase happiness in lifeAfter death they can potentially be “baaqiyyat saalihaat”Widespread move towards not having children → erosion of the family system

Page 14: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reason 11: Increasing God's Provisions

Marry off those who are single among you...If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His grace, and Allah is all-bounteous, all-knowing. (al-Noor (24), 32)

In many ahadith, people who complain about poverty to the Prophet (s) and Imams are ordered to marry

From the Prophet (s): Take a spouse as it is a means of increasing your sustenance.

Page 15: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

When am I Ready?

Important factors to consider:1. Maturity

– Can make important decisions using a rational process

– Independence of thought– Can deal with difficulties

2. Financial Readiness

Page 16: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

When am I Ready? (cont.)

Important factors to consider:3. Knowledge of what Islam says

about marriage and spouse selection and rights of husband and wife

4. Sometimes marriage can be wajib!

Page 17: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

• Accumulate the spiritual benefits early• God wants believers to enjoy this world

better than others• Enjoying oneself according to religious

guidelines (without going to extremes) can result in spiritual growth

• Preventing fasad (corruption)– Hadith: One who has the means to

marry off his child but does not, and a sin occurs, he is partner in that sin.

Benefits of Marrying when Ready and not Delaying

Page 18: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Common Barriers Preventing Marriage On Time

Want to enjoy life and have fun before chaining ourselves down

We'll get tired of each other!

Young people aren't as mature as they were in the pastChildren wouldn't mind, but parents do!No money

Page 19: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Responses to Objections

Should we put aside the advice of the Ahlul Bayt (a)?

naudhu billah!

Instead let's understand the place of these ahadith in the entire corpus of their teachings regarding family life

Page 20: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Response to Objections (cont.)

Training our children at a younger age to be responsible! A child who is baligh is an adult in the eyes of Allah (swt).

When spouses do their responsibilities (for example, keeping up the physical presence and emotional support) love will only grow with time

Family level and community level financial support

Page 21: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

IntentionTawakkul and TawassulIdentify Potential CandidatesInvestigationMeetingProposal

Page 22: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended 2 rak'at prayer and du`a

• Imam al-Sadiq (a) to one of his companions: If you wish to marry, recite a two rak'at prayer, and then do hamd of Allah (swt) and then recite the following dua:

• Fاء hس: الن مFن: لFي ف:ق:دhر8 وpج: :ز: :ت أ :ن8 أ رFيد@@ أ hي Fن إ pه@مp الل

فFي و: ه:ا Fف8س: ن فFي لFي pح8ف:ظ:ه@ن: أ و: C جا ف:ر8 pه@نpع:ف: أ

ق:دhر8 و: Cة: ك :ر: ب pع8ظ:م:ه@ن: أ و: C قا رFز8 pع:ه@ن و8س:: أ و: م:الFي

:ع8د: ب و: Fي :ات ي ح: فFي C Fحا ص:ال C :فا ل خ: @ه@ ع:ل :ج8 ت C hبا ط:ي C :دا و:ل لFيFي م:م:ات

Page 23: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Meaning of the Du`a

In this du`a, the one seeking a spouse will pray for a chaste and virtuous wife who will protect herself for him, protect his wealth and be a source of rizq and blessing. He also prays for a righteous posterity in this world and the next.

Page 24: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

IntentionTawakkul and TawassulIdentify Potential CandidatesInvestigationMeetingProposal

Page 25: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Identifying Potential Candidates

Step #1: Identify your needs, and accordingly which traits the candidate ought to have.

Divide these into must-have’s and nice-to-have’s.

Other criteria can be added according to personal taste.

All are important not equally weighted (faith is most important)

Page 26: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Reasonable Expectations

Looking for 100% match is not feasible. Be picky but not too picky!If a candidate were already at 100%, there wouldn't be room to grow during the marriage!

Page 27: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Objections to this Structured Approach

Need to see if we love each other before committing!Many examples of matched marriages breaking, or holding together precariously

Page 28: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Why Marriages Fail or Have Problems?

Success is likely but with conditions:

Spouses identified using Islamic criteriaSpouses meet in Islamic waySpouses lead married life in Islamic way

Most problematic marriages can be recovered

Page 29: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

The Love Marriage

Can work, but is not recommended because:

– Chastity and reputation can easily be compromised

– Decisions are made based on emotion– Statistics indicate high failure rates– Emotional cost of such failed

relationships is high– May lead to questioning of spouse's

fidelity (especially from the husband)

Page 30: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Love Marriage

From Imam Ali (a): – Love of the People of the Hereafter

lasts due to the everlasting nature of its cause.

– Love of the People of this World will cease to exist due to the transient nature of its cause.

Love in marriage is created by Allah (swt): ...And He places love and compassion among you... (al-Room (30), 21)

Page 31: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Finding and Being a Winning Spouse (part 2)

Salim S Yusufali

shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Page 32: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Ideal Traits / Traits to Inculcate

Page 33: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Traits of an Ideal Spouse

• Why did the Ahlul Bayt (a) emphasize certain traits? They must be important and ought to be used to:

– Characteristics to aim at building / nurturing for those who wish to (eventually) get married

– Compile a list of must-have and nice-to-have characteristics to be found in spouse candidates

– Motivation for those who are already married and want to improve and have successful marriages

Page 34: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

Intention

Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building

Identify Potential Candidates– Compiling list of must-have and

nice-to-have traits

Investigation

Meeting

Proposal

Page 35: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Compiling the List

• Understand your personality type and your strengths, weaknesses, and future needs from a spouse

• This process is itself rewarding:– The ignorance of a man with respect to his

faults is among the biggest of sins. Imam Ali (a)

– When Allah the Exalted desires good for a servant, He disattaches him from the world, gives him deep insight into the religion, and shows him his faults. Imam al-Sadiq (a)

• Seek to understand advice from the Ahlul Bayt (a) in this regard

Page 36: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait #1: Taqwa

Taqwa = protection = acting in a way that one is protecting himself from turning away from God and receiving His punishment

Taqwa has varying degrees

Traditions greatly emphasis this trait– Example: One who marries his noble

daughter to a sinner receives 1000 curses daily.

Page 37: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Importance of Taqwa in Marriage

• When home alone and God is not in the picture, many things can go wrong. From Imam Hasan (a): Marry your daughters to a man who has taqwa, for if he loves her he will honor her, and if he dislikes her he will not be unjust to her.

• If things go sour, divorcing someone with taqwa will be considerably smoother

Page 38: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

How to improve one's taqwa

Strengthening one's creed– ...Do not marry your daughter to one who

doubts, as the wife will adopt the etiquette of her husband and he will impose his faith upon her (Imam al-Sadiq (a), al-Kafi, v.5 p. 34)

Learning about our practical responsibilities and acting upon them (starting with halal and haram)

Page 39: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

How to improve one's taqwa

• Have a small, regular program of mustahabaat

• Receive spiritual admonishment at least once a week

Page 40: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

How to improve taqwa (cont.)

Participating in congregational activities

Keeping good company– From Imam Ali (a): If someone's level

of practice isn't clear to you, see whom he keeps company with, religious people or irreligious?

Matters relating to Chastity and Modesty to follow

Page 41: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait 2: Good akhlaaq

• Reality of akhlaaq : `ilm (knowledge) + `amal (action)

• Examples of good character that emanates from a soul illuminated with Divine light: honesty, contentment, compassion, friendliness, pleasantness, patience, dignity, forgiveness, thankfulness, amenability, humility, respectfulness, softness, optimism, ettiquette

Page 42: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Importance of Akhlaaq in Ahadith

• Story of Imam al-Sajjad (a) marrying a woman based on her excellent behavior

• Do not marry [your daughter] to one who has bad character. (Imam al-Kadhim)

• The best of your women is she who, when she is angry or angered, she tells her husband...”I will not sleep until you are happy with me.” (Imam al-Sadiq, man la yahdur)

Page 43: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Importance of Good Character in Marriage

• Particularly important in times of difficulty

• Crucial to keep marriage successful. Examples:

– Wife preparing herself for her husband every day

– Husband making compliments and demonstrating love every day

Page 44: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Means of Improving Akhlaaq

• Keep company with one who is honest and righteous, can influence positive behavior and whom can be asked to point out faults

• From Imam Ali: One's enemies can be more useful than his brethren for the enemies gift him with his faults.

• Observe faults in others and strive to eradicate them from one's self

• Muraqabah (self-awareness) and Muhasabah (self-accounting) ← Particularly emphasized by the Ahlul Bayt

• Taking a qualified mentor

Page 45: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait #3: Compatibility

From the Prophet (s):– Marry those who are compatible

matches (al-akfaa').

Most important aspect of compatibility– Similar level of faith (Islam + shi`a)

and character.

Believers are the compatible matches of other believers.

Marry a suitor whose practice of religion and trustworthiness please you, whoever he may be.

Page 46: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Other factor that will make marriage go smoother

• Similar background• Similar income bracket• Similar societal status• Intellectual compatibility• Family compatibility• Ideal age gap: 3-7 years (Gulbarg,

Dehnavi p. 37)

Couple (and in some cases their families) will need flexible personalities and sophistication if these are not in place.

Page 47: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait #4: Good Family

• Meaning a family known for its religiousness, etiquette, noble character

• The Prophet (s): Avoid … the beautiful woman who grows up in a corrupt environment.

• The Prophet (s): The best of your women is she....who is respected in her family.

• Coming from a good family is good but not a hard and fast rule

• Good families can be created

Page 48: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait #5: Chastity

• From the du`a: O Allah grant me the most chaste among them.

• Encompasses:– Hijab– Limited mixing of genders– Modest interaction, language, and

body language– Keeping appropriate company

Page 49: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

More about Chastity

• Should be in place before and after marriage– Couples will try harder to satisfy each

other's physical and emotional needs– Husband will take more pleasure out of his

wife → stronger love → more care and reciprocal love

• Need to re-evaluate ties and behavior with non-mahrams

• Different than being suspicious! We need to suspect ourselves more than other party.

• Not being “friends” is different than being unfriendly

Page 50: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Traits #6 and #7: Responsibility & Good Planning Skills

• Hadith: The best of men is he who takes care of his wife so that she doesn't have to rely on others.

• Women tend to find these traits a source of attractiveness in men

• How can these traits be measured?– Taking care of parents / siblings– Is he hard-working?– How does he manage his money?– Does he make impetuous decisions

that he later regrets?

Page 51: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Trait #8: Good Looks

• Physical attractiveness is particularly important for man to see in woman and should not be ignored

• Also shouldn't be the only criterion

From a hadith: A wife should be religious (جمالء) and beautiful (ذات الدين)

• True beauty is on the inside and outside. Eventually inner beauty (taqwa, akhlaaq, ilm) outshines outer beauty

Page 52: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Practical Tips Regarding Good Looks

• Extreme beauty can lead to arrogance– Can be addressed in upbringing

and self-bulding• Being attractive is working with what

you have• Regular exercise routine (without going

to the extremes) and observing Islamic dietary guidelines is necessary for personal and marriage development

Page 53: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

More Practical Tips

• Good character, faith, optimism, speaking well, smiling appropriately, humility, grooming and hygiene all lend to outer beauty

• Community emphasis on championship sports

• Husbands should buy their wives those things they need in order to make themselves beautiful at home

Page 54: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

Intention

Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building

Identify Potential Candidates– Compiling list of must-have and nice-to-have

traits– Using list to find potential spouse

matches

Investigation

Meeting(s)

Investigation

Proposal

Page 55: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Identifying Potential Candidates

• The boy / girl seeking to get married may rely on a “champion” or a few “champions” who are trusted individuals (perhaps in the form of community matchmakers)

– Parents' buy-in is very important

• The champion's job is to find potential candidates based on the criteria and detailed information about the boy / girl

• Start looking locally and then branch out if necessary

– Don't feel shy about using matchmakers

Page 56: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

IntentionTawakkul and TawassulIdentify Potential CandidatesInvestigationMeetingsInvestigationProposal

Page 57: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Importance of Investigating the Traits of a Candidate

From the Prophet (s):

Marriage is like slavery. So if one of you marries off his daughter, he has given her to slavery. So look carefully at whom you marry your noble daughter to.

From Imam al-Sadiq (a): Women are a necklace so look carefully to ensure you get the right one.

According to one expert, marriage is the most important event in your life. (Dehnavi, p. 31)

Page 58: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Applies to both males and females

• Talk to those who know the candidate in-depth

• Revealing negative information in this situation is not backbiting!

• What about that part we can't find out?– Have to do our duty. From Imam al-Sadiq (a):

Whoever acts upon what he knows, Allah (swt) shall take care of him with respect to what he does not know

• Investigation will take place even after meetings are completed to clear up any issues that arose

Investigation

Page 59: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Common Reasons for Not Investigating Properly

• Putting full trust in one person who knows both parties

• “I know his father and his father's father...”

• Not knowing whom to talk to

• Misinterpreting the hadith: If a suitor comes to you whose character and religion please you then marry [your daughter] to him or else there will be turmoil on the earth and great corruption.

• False sense of tawakkul

• False understanding of istikharah

Page 60: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

What to Investigate

• Family• Friends• Leadership Qualities• How Well Promises are Kept• Level of Honesty

Page 61: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

IntentionTawakkul and TawassulIdentify Potential CandidatesInvestigationMeetingProposal

Page 62: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Meeting Potential Candidates

Looking at pictureRules

Can be alone in a room together as long as• Others can easily enter in upon conversation• No fear of falling into sin

Looking (for a man)• Without intention of lust (though lust will

naturally follow)• In order to determine her physical appearance (if

you already know, can’t look)• No barrier preventing marriage (for example she

shouldn’t already be married)• Possibility of proposal being accepted

Page 63: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

Meeting Potential Candidates

What to discussTry to send questions from beforehandWrite down quotes for later observation

How many times can we meet before deciding?How close can you get without being married?The fun in marriage is getting to know each other!

Page 64: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

What to Discuss

• Casual Conversation• Beliefs• Practice (for example, taqlid)• Socializing• Life histories• Expectations of Future• Living alone or with family• Raising children• Education / work plans

Page 65: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

How to decide

Using your intellectSeeking advice from wise peopleTaking istikharaTawakkul and Tawassul

Do we need to “like” each other before saying yes?How sure do I need to be?

Page 66: Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010

From Culture

Need to wait for older siblings to get marriedEducation is more important than getting marriedSayyids can only marry sayyidsMut’ah is scandalousCan’t interact with “fiancee” after nikah is recited before “rukhsatee”I liked him/her, but the istikhara came out badly…Culture of expensive weddings

But not all culture is bad…