By Katherine Green

Females on the Autistic Spectrum & Romantic Attachments

By Katherine Green 

Women with ASD are a lot like other women.

Women with ASD are a lot like other women.

Except...Except...

We sometimes get a We sometimes get a little obsessed with little obsessed with

our our romanticromantic interests.interests.

Elevated levels of dopamine lead to extreme focus to the exclusion of all

else.

Also...Also...

We are not always comfortable with group dynamics, we often prefer 1 close friend to many. For this reason a boyfriend or girlfriend may be our preferred means of

finding friendship altogether.

Vr.s

Also...Also...

We have below average Theory of Mind. This is the ability to make a good

guess as to what someone else is

thinking or feeling.

Does he like me?

We get above average hits of We get above average hits of dopamine dopamine PLUS PLUS

The importance of that ONE The importance of that ONE relationship which is feeding most of relationship which is feeding most of

our social hungers.our social hungers. MINUSMINUS

A below average understanding of how A below average understanding of how the other person is feeling in return. the other person is feeling in return.

We may use books and films as social stories about how to get a partner. Unfortunately, they're usually

not realistic.

They teach us what qualities to look for in a partner.

● Plot

The hero starts out grotesque (either in looks, status or behaviour) But a “worthy female” can make him princely.

● Message

If men are behaving badly it's because I am not sweet or pretty enough.

How couples should relate to each other.

And what happily ever after is supposed to look like

Plus we have such rich Plus we have such rich inner lives that our inner lives that our own stories (our own stories (our

fantasies) can seem as fantasies) can seem as real as reality. real as reality.

Meaning...Meaning...

Sometimes we fall in love with the people in our head.

When we have difficulty regulating our thoughts and feelings our fantasies start to take on a life of their own.

&

When we think a lot about someone we don't know well, we are likely to fall in love with the stories we've made up about them.

And sometimes the people in real life reject us.

An inability to understand what's going on can lead to feeling traumatized when someone we loved, who we imagined loved us back, just suddenly leaves.

Which can then lead to more anxiety, about ourselves, and our ability to be loved.

People with People with developmental disorders developmental disorders

(Such as ASD) are (Such as ASD) are more vulnerable to more vulnerable to developing mental developing mental health issues. health issues.

Alexithymia: The inability to know

one's own emotions. A numbness

that often occurs when feelings

are ignored for a period of time.

When we go into survival mode and

stay there for too long. When

demands are placed above the

inner experience of the individual.

We lose touch with our feelings.

Boundaries: The line one draws for themselves - based on what they know of their own wants, needs and feeling – that separates what they will tolerate from what they wont. It's hard to

have boundaries when one lacks a sense of their own feelings.

When we don't have good boundaries we tolerate

bad behavior:

I often didn't get the respect I deserved in my relationships.

My ASD traits often meant I came across as “dizzy” or

“childish”. Over time most of my relationships took on a role

of parent/child. My partners, who stayed, would be

condescending and I would be grateful for the fact that they

were “putting up with me”.

Helpful Helpful Strategies...Strategies...

Help develop a strong sense of self (which leads to better boundaries).

• Make a “Me Wall”.

• An all about me book.– What kind of person am I?

– What do I like to do?

– How am I compared to others?

– What are my accomplishments and goals?

– What do I want to do in the future tomorrow, in 10 years?

• Make a list, album or wall collage of people in their life.

● We need someone who can do more than just translate exchanges.

● Someone who doesn't judge us for getting it wrong, being sensitive or living in our own head sometimes.

● But someone who can also be honest and keep us grounded too.

● Someone who gives us permission to be more authentic. Even if it takes us a while to “get real.”

A friend, mentor or therapist can help Contextualize experiences.

Who are boys? Or Girls?

How do I connect with them?

How do I communicate with them?

What does it mean to have a romantic relationship?

What is each person's role within the relationship?

Am I just supposed to look pretty and be easy going?

All the time?

What if I can't do that?

Can I express my feelings?

Can they express theirs?

What can I do if I don't understand them?

What if they don't understand me?

De-objectify the romantic interest.

You can't program the ASD out of a girl. Nor should you want to. Instead make sure she knows she is beautiful and worthy as is. Give her validation and teach her self care. Help her to trust herself.

Every like on my Facebook page lets a publisher know that there is an interest in stories about women with Autism.

I've spent hours putting this together. I'd be so grateful if you could take a moment to give me a “like” and help me

spread the message.

https://www.facebook.com/wishingonjupiter