Wrigleyville resident John Wellmeyer hasonly been a Hawks fan for three months, buthe’s already extremely excited about watchingJonathan Toews, Duncan Keith and BrentSeabrook compete alongside Patrick Kaneand Marian Hossa on the U.S. Hockey Team.

“These guys all play for Chicago, so I canonly assume they’re American,” saidWellmeyer. “We’re gonna kick Canada’s ass!Do they even have a hockey league up there?”

Wellmeyer believes the Olympic experi-

ence will help the Hawks bond.“You know what would be weird? If they

had to play against each other,” he said. “Imean, thank God these guys are all going tobe on the same team. The last thing we need isToews with a clear shot at Kane. Competitivejuices flowing ... it could get really messy andscrew up everything!”

--George Ellis

Back in 1998, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwirethrilled the nation with their pursuit to break RogerMaris’ single season home run record. However, thesports world was “completely shocked” whenMcGwire recently confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs during that record-setting run.

Following McGwire’s lead, Sosa decided toreveal he also relied on substances during hiscareer-best 66 HR season. In typical Sosa second-to-the-punch fashion, the deflated slugger held apress conference in his native Dominican Republicto break the news.

“I joos wan to say to all my fan that Sammy is nocheater,” a teary-eyed Sosa said at the podium. “Iwas taken too tree Flinstone Vitamin every day dur-ing my home ron season. I’m berry sorry to the peo-ple of Chicago, all my fan, and to baseball. But Iwant to say Sammy is never a cheater.”

When asked about other questionable events,such as the infamous corked bat incident, and hisearly departure halfway through what would be hislast game as a Cub, Sosa was unfortunately nolonger able to speak English, and consequentlyunable to comment.

--Drew Adams

“Cubby Occurrences” come withthe territory for members of theChicago Cubs. Players slip in hottubs and pull muscles while sneez-ing at regular intervals. Still,nobody could have predicted thelatest Cubby Occurrence: MarlonByrd being eaten by a large MesaGila monster.

“It’s a tough break,” saidManager Lou Piniella. “He was agood kid, really swinging the batwell. You can’t really see thingslike this coming, although thatlizard was pretty gosh darn big.Maybe Byrd should have seen itcoming.”

The tragic accident unfoldedwhen Byrd arrived early to camp tohone his swing. The venomousGila monster—typically known foreating small birds, eggs, andfrogs—pounced upon Byrd as theoutfielder was digging into the bat-ter’s box.

“We were really counting onByrd to produce this season,” saidGM Jim Hendry. “But that Gilamonster had some quickness. Myscouts love his 40 time.”

The Gila monster initially passedover Ronnie Woo-Woo andGeovany Soto before settling uponByrd as its meal. A local zoologistclaimed Woo-Woo probably scaredthe lizard away with a series of ear-piercing chants, while Soto was toosmall of a snack to satisfy the rav-enous beast. -- Jimmy Juliano

FIND BREAKING NEWSAT THEHECKLER.COM

‘Unbelievable Chicago sports coverage’www.theheckler.com

FEBRUARY 2010Vol. 8, Issue 2

FREE

Steroid use up 50% among idiot Cardinals fans PAGE 5

Ricketts heads to Vancouver to pursue figure skating gold PAGE 3

NHL triples puck size to appealto casual fans PAGE 7

Sosa admits hetook FlintstonessupplementsTearful slugger finally makesadmission fans have wanted to hear

MARLON BYRD EATEN BYHUGE MESA GILA MONSTER

FIRST ‘CUBBY OCCURRENCE’ OF 2010

Hawks fan can’t wait to cheer for Toews on U.S. Olympic teamAlso thinks Seabrook, Keithplaying for stars & stripes

MORE OLYMPICS INSIDESchedule shake-up: Figure

skating now, luge never. Page 7

What to look for this month in the sports world

ON DECK

2/26B r a d M i l l e r

b e c o m e s1 , 0 0 0 t h p l a y e rc a l l e d f o rt r a v e l i n g i nN B A h i s t o r y ,a w a r d e d a s e to f S a m s o n i t el u g g a g e f o rh i s t r o u b l e s .

Maywood’sShannon Brownwins slam dunkcontest by exe-cuting theworld’s f irst on-land Triple Lindydunk over DwightHoward, whilewearing a greenLakers uniform.

NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND

Zambrano and Soto are both showing up to SpringTraining in shape? I would have lost a fortune, again,on that bet. But knowing the Cubs luck it won’t matter.Zambrano will probably pull a pectoral during a benchpress rep and end up dropping the weight on Soto’sfoot, knocking them both out for the year. The goodthing about gambling is that it doesn’t matter whatshape you’re in. You just need a little luck, a bit of cred-it and some sound advice from old Pete. Let’s gamble!

74: Percent of Bulls fans that have deludedthemselves into thinking Lebron is going tosign with Chicago in the offseason.26: Percent of Bulls fans who realize they’llprobably have to settle for overpaying RickyDavis after failing to sign Lebron, Wade or Boshin the offseason.$229: Average amount of money the Cubs wereable to trick out of a Cubs fan during the off-season before they spent anything on tickets.85: Percent of scalpers that had to pull theirkids out of private school after over buying tick-ets for the Cubs 2009 season.76%: Chance that Ozzie’s first f-bomb of theyear is used to ask Kenny Williams “we’re pay-ing Rios how *#$&ing much?” $12: Hourly rate for the Cubs to hire someoneto stand in the batter’s box during Marmol’sSpring Training throwing sessions.

2/18“Hawk”

Harrelson caughtdoing a real- l i feduck snort:Boisterous Soxplay-by-play manfound snortingcocaine with DaffyDuck in a Tucsonarea bathroom.

12/9

2/23N F L t o

b e g i n f i n i n gf a n s f o r n o tt h i n k i n g a b o u tt h e N F L 2 4 / 7 .

2/13

Steve Nash wins the Taco BellSkills Challenge consisting ofobstacle course, outlet passing,skeet shooting, closest to thepin and a burrito-eating contest.

Game played, then quicklyand quiet ly forgotten.

2/14

Conan O’Brienand Andy Richtertake over as hostfor ComcastSportsNite.

2/18Despite

Olympic break,fighting in NHLup 7 percent.

CUBS NEWSTM

FEBRUARY 2010 | 3

His tenure at NBC officiallyover, former Tonight Show hostConan O’Brien accepted an offerfrom the Chicago Cubs to becomethe team’s full-time seventh inningstretch conductor. The red-headedcomedian—known for quirkyhumor, offbeat sketches and eccen-tric characters—has been given lit-tle wiggle room to ad-lib duringeach home game performance.

“I thought the big wigs at NBCwere tight,” said O’Brien. “The

Ricketts family kept stressingterms like ‘fan friendly’ and ‘fam-ily environment.’ It seems oddconsidering the team drownsrowdy fans in booze for threehours and expects them to soberup in 15 minutes for the ridehome. It’s an easier DUI sting thanwaiting at the end of Mel Gibson’sdriveway.”

O’Brien will not be joined bysuch characters as “Triumph theInsult Comic Dog” or the

“Pimpbot 5000.” Instead, O’Brienhas been given a list of “appropri-ate rallying cries” to utilize beforeand after he sings the stretch.

“You would think there are onlya few ways to say, ‘Lets get someruns!” but you would be wrong,”said O’Brien. “When the teamtold me I had to prepare for ’81potential rallies,’ I thought theDemocratic National Conventionwas coming back to town.”

--Jimmy Juliano

Conan O’Brien takes gig singing7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley

Mesa keeps Cubs in Arizona with promiseRicketts can host ‘Tonight Show’ in five years

RICKETTS TO COMPETE FORGOLD IN MEN’S WINTER

OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING

NBC has broken many promisesover the years, yet would-be hostsstill make major life decisionsaround taking the reins of theTonight Show franchise.

When one Mesa city councilmanjokingly offered that they shouldgive Tom Ricketts the gig if he keptthe Cubs in Arizona, Ricketts, anavid late night television fan,jumped at the idea.

“We’re stunned he accepted, andhave no idea what we’ll do when 2015comes,” said Councilman ChuckPaul. “But he signed the contract, andcontracts are binding, right?”

In spite of the fact that most tele-vision experts agree NBC willbring back a re-animated Jay Lenozombie before handing the show toanyone else, they give this offer asmuch validity as any in the past.

“We expect NBC to be a completedisaster in five years,” said televisionwriter Susan Richards. “So the legionof Cub fans that Tom Ricketts mightbring would actually be a boon.”

“I have a ton of creative ideas inmind for the show,” said an excitedRicketts. “But that didn’t work toowell for Conan, so I’m probablyjust gonna steal a bunch of crap likeLeno did.” --Dan Bradley

CUBS NEWS4 | FEBRUARY 2010

Retirees in Naples, Fla., are rejoicingover the city’s failure to secure itself asthe Cubs’ new Spring Training home.

Losing the bid for the team, whichdecided to continue its stay in Mesa, Ariz.,means that Naples can focus its time,energy and money on the local folk, ratherthan the would-be tourists and youngsters.

“Thank heavens we’re not getting that

baseball team,” said Pearl Beckler, aretired medical records supervisor origi-nally from Minnesota. “I like things justthe way they are—slow and quiet.”

Naples officials had earmarked millionsof dollars to prepare and implement theplan of the Cubs playing baseball in theircity. The funds remain, and officials saythey will use the cash to please their great

retiree population.According to the office of Mayor Bill

Barnett, the city is planning to contractconstruction companies to build moreWaffle Houses and retirement homes,bringing the total number of each intotriple digits.

“I’m so excited I need to change mypants again,” said local retiree Joe

Crenshaw. “Besides, I don’t want thatstinkin’ team in my town. They stink morethan my dentures after tuna casserole.”

Hours after the news broke, throngs ofMesa-area retirees were arrested after theystormed city streets and vandalized andlooted local shops and restaurants, policesaid

--Mike Pettit

Ted Lilly to pitch right-handed this season

Female fan can’t wait to unveil new breast implants

Alfonso Soriano will enter the 2010season nearing a prestigious club filledwith only the most prolific tobaccochewers and cheating pitchers.

And although the Cubs outfielderis nearing milestone-marking spitnumber 1,000,000 in his career, hesaid that the game he meets the cov-eted mark will be just like any other.

“I’m really trying not to think aboutit,” said Soriano, hocking a loogey ontothe ground. “I’m just going to go outthere and play and spit my butt off-andtry not to hit Mike Fontenot again.”

While many players would rel-ish hitting the mark, Sorianoremains admirably humble abouthis man-loogeys.

“It’s not about numbers for me. Idon’t care about getting to 40 homeruns, 100 RBIs or a .250 battingaverage,” he said. “I’ll just be excit-ed to be able to easily calculate howmany dollars I get paid per spit.”

After several minutes andattempts, Soriano reported theamount to be $136.

--Jarrod Rice

Soriano nearing onemillionth spit of career

A Chicago-area woman excited toflaunt her breast enhancements is consid-ering traveling to the Cubs’ Spring

Training to christen her newly added fea-tures.

The double-F implants are only twoweeks old, but Schaumburg resident GinaFallucci says waiting another two weeksto travel, as suggested by her surgeon,would be too difficult.

“Oh my God, that’s like waiting anoth-er year,” the former B-cup said. “I’m too

proud of these babies to just keep themcovered up.”

Fallucci’s already booked a bus trip forCubs’ Spring Training in Mesa, Ariz.(According to Fallucci, she is unable tofly due to her implants’ sensitivity tocabin pressure.)

“I’m going to give them lots of sun-shine in the bleachers,” Fallucci said.

“I’m bringing tons of tanning lotion.”Outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who is

used to Fallucci, a season ticket holder,flashing her breasts in the bleachers atWrigley Field, did cartwheels when heheard of the woman’s boob job.

“It’s going to be a great season,” hesaid.

--Mike Pettit

Rehab on Ted Lilly’s leftshoulder hasn’t gone as plannedthis offseason, so in an effort tokeep Lilly in the rotation,Manager Lou Piniella hasdecided to pitch Lilly right-handed.

“It was either that or give hisspot to [Jeff] Samardzija,” saidPiniella. “We decided that a

right-handed Lilly would be thebetter option.”

Nobody knows how wellLilly will fare. His curveball,normally topping out at 60mph, is now expected to top offat around 40.

Look no further than Cubsmanagement for blame if thingsdon’t go well. They ruined anychance for a full rehabilitationwhen they had Lilly man thearm wrestling booth at thisyear’s Cubs Convention.

“We told him to use his right

hand,” said pitching coachLarry Rothschild. “But he’s acompetitor and insisted onusing his left.

It was after Lilly lost to an80-year-old Cubs fan fromIowa for the fifth time in a rowthat Piniella decided to takehim out.

“We’re hoping he’s a betterright-handed pitcher than armwrestler,” joked Piniella. “Thatold lady whipped him prettygood.”

--Michael Kloempken

After losing bid for Cubs, Naples focuses on Waffle Houses, fireworks, retirement homes

Might make trip toSpring Rraining just toshow them off early

Old 60 mph curveballs expected totop off around 40

BASEBALL NEWSTM

FEBRUARY 2010 |5

Cash-strapped Pirates reportto camp in owner’s backyard

Arecent study has determined that,since Mark McGwire’s announce-ment that he used performanceenhancers throughout his career,steroid use among idiot Cardinalsfans has skyrocketed up 50%.

These idiot Cardinal fans saw otheridiot Cardinals fans give McGwire astanding ovation at his first publicappearance since his announcement,and decided the only way they couldreally fit in with the other idiotCardinals fans was if they injectedtheir idiot bodies with steroids.

Completely objective media

sources have claimed that theseidiots just inject themselves intheir stupid Cardinals fans bodies.According to the independentstudy just released, they used thesesteroids, “like the idiots they are.”

While the report could notdetermine if all Cardinals fanswere idiots, or just the ones whodecided to use steroids were, thestudy did conclude, “No matterwhat, anyone who still thinksfondly of Mark McGwire, no mat-ter who they root for…is an idiot.”

--Jeff GoodSmith

Steroid use up 50%among idiot Cards fans

The struggling economy hasmade things a little tight for mostMajor League Baseball teams.For the already cash-strappedPirates, it’s made things evenworse. In his latest attempt to savemoney, Pirates owner RobertNutting has decided to holdSpring Training in his own back-yard.

The decision didn’t go overwell with Mrs. Nutting, however,

after she found out they would beusing her garden as the bullpen.

“She had me sleeping on thecouch for a couple of days,” saidan exhausted Nutting. “But shecame around when I told her I’dhave a couple of the rookies dosome chores around the house.”

The idea is expected to save alot of money, but GM NealHuntington worries that the movewill ruin their competitive edge

this season.“Unfortunately we’re not going

to be anywhere near the otherteams during Spring Training,”said Huntington. “So we’re goingto have to play the local highschool teams to get into gameshape. And it remains to be seenhow our pitchers’ trampolinework will translate into lowerERAs.”

--Michael Kloempken

As the black cloud of theSteroid Era fades, CommissionerBud Selig has sought to correcthis indiscretions and blatantincompetence by forcing the fall-en heroes of the Steroid Era toearn redemption by taking hittingcoach jobs.

The likes of Sammy Sosa,Barry Bonds and Rafael Palmeirohave been hired across the league.

“Listen, we all know that I cov-ered up for these stars for the sake ofmoney,” said a grinning Selig. “The

American public has a short atten-tion span and has nearly forgottenabout Bonds and the rest so it’s timeto make them legitimate again.”

This has spurned many viablecoaching candidates that havebeen seeking work in the Majors.

“This has made my life real hard,”said aspiring coach and former MLBplayer Robin Ventura. “I’ve startedtaking steroids now to help me get ajob. I only started cheating after Iretired from baseball, like PeteRose.” --Marvin Venis Benjamin

Selig requires all teams to hirea Steroid Era hitting coach

SOX NEWSTM

6 | FEBRUARY 2010

As a new decade of baseball begins on theSouth Side, the White Sox are keeping thetried and true ad slogan of “Cubs Suck!”

“Fans follow the White Sox for many rea-sons,” said GM Kenny Williams. “Somecome to see a scoreboard explode and somecome to see another interesting lineup from

Ozzie. However, one quality every Sox fancan embrace is the fact that we are not theCubs.”

In the past, the Sox have danced aroundtheir inferiority issue with the Cubs, promot-ing ad slogans such as “Us and Them,”which subtly pointed out the differences

between the two clubs. After lacklusterattendance, the Sox organization quicklyrealized a direct approach was more effec-tive.

“We could point out the annoying ten-dencies of Cubs fans, the outrageous pricesand obstacles associated with attending

Wrigley Field, or the North Side’s com-plete infatuation with losing,” saidWilliams. “Or we could just post ‘CubsSuck’ on all official documents, and ourfans will quickly remember why they fol-low the White Sox.”

--Tim Butterly

Jenks gains back weight onTaco Bell Drive Thru Diet

OZZIE TO CAPITALIZE ONHOT VAMPIRE TREND,

WEAR FAKE FANGS IN 2010

Sox 2010 ad slogan same as previous 10 seasons: ‘Cubs Suck!’

White Sox management was disap-pointed to learn that closer BobbyJenks’ much-heralded off-seasonweight loss was completely negatedby his recent obsession with the TacoBell Drive Thru Diet.

“I don’t get it,” said Jenks. “Thecommercials said that lady lost morethan 50 pounds eating at Taco Bell, soI ate it as often as I could and put theweight right back on.”

Manager Ozzie Guillen counts him-self among the many critics whobelieve the Drive Thru Diet was noth-ing more than a thinly veiled market-ing campaign.

“That fat [expletive deleted] thinkshe can eat four burritos a day and loseweight,” said Guillen. “He really is asdumb as he looks.” --Brad Zibung

The NHL has undergone majorchanges in the last decade in aneffort to increase viewership,improve television ratings, and tosimply try and attract more fans.The league has eliminated the two-line pass rule, brought back theshootout, and significantly reducedthe amount of pads goalies areallowed to wear, among otherchanges.

The result has been a faster styleof play, and ultimately moreoffense and higher scoring games.However, many casual NHL fansstill struggle following the actiondue to the small size of the puck inrelation to the rest of the rink. Tocombat this problem, NHL com-missioner Gary Bettman recentlyannounced a new rule to be put

into place following the Olympicbreak. The competition committeehas decided to triple the size of thepuck in order to make it easier tosee on TV.

“We want our at-home viewersto have the same action-packedexperience as our fans who are atthe game in person, but we foundthat many viewers simply couldn’tsee the puck while watching thegame on TV, even if they had HD,”said Bettman. “As a league, wecould tolerate this no further, so wewent ahead and tripled the size ofthe puck.”

When asked if he felt the larger,heavier puck might prove moredifficult to shoot and pass,Bettman scoffed.

“That’s why we’re also allowingsteroids now,” he said. “Theseguys are gonna be beasts in thecrease, baby!”

--Drew Adams

HAWKS/OLYMPIC NEWSTM

FEBRUARY 2010 | 7

NHL triples puck size to improve TV ratings‘Now I can see it!’says casual fan

In order to bring the public the icedancing it desires, the VancouverOlympics committee is pleased toannounce that, from now on, Olympicfigure skating will be broadcast exact-ly five minutes from whenever you

turn on your television. Viewers will no longer be exposed to

distressing sports in which participantsrace down frozen tracks at catastrophicspeeds, or confusing activities such ascurling, the Canadian pastime of

brushing ice. Further changes include: bobsled is

now only available to Comcast cus-tomers with insomnia, ski jumping canbe heard on AM radio, biathlon is lim-ited exclusively to waiting room tele-

visions, hockey will be broadcast sole-ly to countries that are landlocked andthe luge has been cancelled.

--Dan Bradley

Permanent Olympics re-schedule: Figure skating on in 5 minutes, luge never

SPORTS NEWS TM

8 | FEBRUARY 2010

Chicago fan has never hated somany hometown coaches at once

Taj Gibson sets NBA recordby fouling out in two minutes

In what will most certainlyprove to be the only evidence TajGibson ever played in the NBA,the Bulls center set a leaguerecord by fouling out in just twoobscenity-filled minutes.

“I don’t know what happened,”said the befuddled Southern

California graduate. “I checkedin for Brad [Miller]. Then beforeI knew it, the crowd was singingthat ‘hey, hey goodbye’ song.”

The six fouls that Gibsonamassed brought his season aver-age up to 5.75 fouls per game.

Gibson said that his foul-prone

ways would not affect his style ofplay in the future.

“I’m still gonna do what I gottado out there,” he said. “I’ll stillbox-out, I’ll still be aggressiveand play hard, and I’ll still elbowdudes in the eye socket.”

--Jarrod Rice

During a recent rant at theFifty/50 sports bar, UkrainianVillage resident and serial com-plainer Eddie Ritnick blasted thecoaches of Chicago’s professionalsports teams, labeling the entiregroup—Joel Quenneville exclud-ed—as “one big fail.”

“Dude, Lovie, Ozzie, Lou,Vinny—they’re a bunch of sorry

chumps,” said Ritnick. “Mediocritywould be a step up for these guys,yet they’re still around. They’re likethe crabs: terrible, embarrassingand really hard to get rid of.”

Ritnick also lambasted thecoaches of the Fire and Sky.

“[Coach Steve] Key has noexcuse for not getting to the play-offs last year. The Sky were

primed for the postseason. Andwhy the hell can’t the Fire winhome games? They need to getthat bum [Denis] Hamlett out ofthere ... wait, they already did?Well, I’m sure this de los Cobosguy is going to suck too.”

Added Ritnick: “Quenneville’spretty good, though.”

--Brian Summerfield

Top selling albums by athletes1 - Black Album, Metallica*

18 million copies2 - Shaq’s rap album

123,000 copies3 - Deion Sanders’ rap album

45,000 copies4 - Ozzie Guillen’s spoken wordalbum 12,000 copies5 - Tim McCarver’s adult standardsalbum 34 copies *Metallica frontman James Hetfieldplayed special teams for the 1990-1993 L.A. Raiders

The average NBA player has ...1 - Tattoos 13.42 - Posse members 11.23 - Groupies 9.54 - Awkward shower encounterswith Marv Albert 5.65 - Guns 4.2

The average NHLplayer has ...1 - Original teeth 12.32 - Cutesy nicknames derived fromhis last name 10.53 - Groupies 9.54 - Bromances with former team-mates 5.65 - Misdemeanors 1.94

Top selling JD Salinger novels1 - The Catcher in the Rye

65 million copies2 - The Pitcher with a Pie 34 copies3 - The Shortstop wearing a Tie

21 copies4 - The Outfielder tells a Lie

12 copies5 - The Cubs fan asks “Why?”

4 copies

Highest average time spent intherapy per fan/per week

1 - Cubs fan 16.5 hours/week2 - Buffalo Bills fan

13.4 hours/week3 - Cleveland Browns fan

12.3 hours/week4 - Oakland Raiders fan (courtordered) 11.6 hours/week5 - Detroit Lions fan

3 hours/week, during Lions games

Smith & WessonPlayers of the Decade

1 - Plaxico Burress, NYG.68 caliber

2 - Gilbert Arenas, WASH .50 caliber3 - Stephen Jackson, CHAR

.45 caliber4 - 2002 Miami Hurricanes

.40 caliber5 - T.J. Slaughter, JAX .38 caliber

HECKLER STAT PACK

NFL NEWSTM

FEBRUARY 2010 | 9

1114 W. Belmont, Ste 7, Chicago, IL 60657

‘ESPN Favre’ channelset to debut in February

From the network that broughtyou such hit shows as Lost,Grey’s Anatomy and Hank, ABCnow ventures into a new realmof drama series. This newprime-time show will focus onthe lives and times of strugglinggeneral managers, calledDesperate GM’s.

Honored to receive the call toproduce the new show, BearsGM Jerry Angelo quicklycleared time in his schedule bydelegating the handling of thisyear’s draft to Head CoachLovie Smith.

“The network executivesapproached me regarding thisgroundbreaking series,” saidAngelo. “They felt my experi-ences as GM made me the per-fect candidate to contribute thisbrand of entertainment.”

The drama series will chroni-cle the career of fictional profootball GM Johnny Ingelou.Episode themes will includeIngelou mortgaging draft picksfor an underachieving quarter-back, dealing with coaches thatreject his job offers, and watch-ing players he released go on tosucceed in other organizations.

Angelo also elaborated onsome of the extended cast youcan expect to see.

“Not to give too much away,but I’m also looking to incorpo-rate a character named MacMullen, GM of Detroit,”revealed Angelo. “You’ll wit-ness that crazy S.O.B. draft anentire team of wide receivers!You just can’t make this stuffup.”

--Brian Berns

Angelo producesABC drama‘Desperate GMs’

While he vacillates overwhether to retire for theumpteenth time, quarterbackBrett Favre and his family areholed up in their Mississippihome preparing to watch sixmonths of “ESPN Favre,” a newchannel from the World WideLeader, set to debut this month.

The network will feature 24-7programming of all things Favre,including two-hour documen-taries, “Greatest InterceptionsThrown in NFC Title Games,”“Where is My Gosh DarnVicodin” and “There Really ISSomething about Mary.”

Dead air time will be filledwith pictureque stock footage ofFavre riding his tractor, alternat-ed with live shots of a podiumand microphone stand, in antici-pation of Favre’s impendingretirement speech.

As a special bonus, all showswill be hosted by Hall of Fameannouncer John Madden orcomedian Frank Caliendo,impersonating Madden.

“I mean, Brett Favre is theBrett Favre of everything BrettFavre,” said Caliendo asMadden. “If Brett Favre were aturducken, he’d still throw forfour touchdowns a game andlook good in his Wrangler jeans.Boom!”

--Jeremy Barewin

24-hour accessto retirement,Madden love fest

RONNIE WOO-WWOO HIRED ASBEARS STRENGTH COACH

1906 - Invents the forward pass

1945 - Builds a quarterback from body parts stolen

from graveyard

1967 - Really, really starts looking like a creepy uncle

1999 - Convinces Kurt Warner he is actually the one

true God. Inspired Warner leads St. Louis Rams to

Super Bowl title

2006 - Elected to Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

MIKE MARTZ CAREER HIGHLIGHTS

olks, I think we can allagree that Jerry Angeloand Lovie Smith couldn’t

have done a better job ofbungling their offensive coordi-nator search if they tried. In fact,if bungling things were some-thing people always tried to do,Angelo would be considered themost successful man in theworld.

Clearly the only thing worsethan courting a bunch of guysI’ve never heard of to be thesecond most important coach onthe team is getting turned downby a bunch of guys I’ve neverheard of.

But talk about your 180degree turns. Sure they wasted abunch of time with theChudzinskis and the Zampeses,but who cares, they ended upwith a genius.

It’s like Rosie O’Donnellrejectin your request to be yourprom date, but then going with

Angelina Jolie instead. And get-ting lucky with her and herfriend Halle Berry on promnight.

With Mike Martz leading theway, showing the Bears howoffense is supposed to be played,Jay Cutler will throw for 7,000yards, the two Devins will rackup 2,000 receiving yards each,and the Bears will average 50points a game.

Yes, Martz is bringing hishigh-flying, shoot ‘em up, runand gun, greatest show sincesliced bread offense to theBears. He’s going to turn theiroffense from a laid-back pokernight into the wildest, craziest

party on the block. And if there’sone thing that Screamin’ JohnnyBlaze knows about, it’s crazyparties with lots of scoring.

Well, actually if there’s onething Screamin’ Johnny Blazeknows about, it’s EVERY-THING! And that’s how I knowan offense put together by MikeMartz is just what the Bearsneed to get back to the SuperBowl.

But hey, in the extremelyunlikely event that I am wrongabout this and the Bears suckagain next year and don’t makethe playoffs and fire everybodyand bring in Bill Cowher to runthings, I’d be fine with that too.

SPORTS NEWS TM10 | FEBRUARY 2010

Chicago has a rich history of gang activity and the most well-kknownincident was the Saint Valentine's Day massacre in Lincoln Park.Even though it happened more than 80 years ago, Cubs superfanand notorious publicity hound Ronnie “Woo-WWoo” Wickers found away to work himself into photos of the event. Wickers was pacingoutside Wrigley Field like he does every winter afternoon and saw agaggle of news photographers heading south on Clark Street. Neverone to miss out on a chance for free exposure, Woo-WWoo followedthe reporters and wound up forever associated with one of Chicago’sdarkest days. Email your Woo-WWoo pics to photos@theheckler.comor post them to the Woo-WWoo gallery at theheckler.com.

Hijnks of The Heckler MascotBy Paul Czarnowski

CHUG-CHUG: INACTION

Angelo and Smith: The Bungle Brothers

F

By Screamin’Johnny Blaze,

HecklerSports TalkRadio Host

THIS I SCREAM

xpectations haven’t beenthis low for the Cubs inseven years. Of course,

expectations have nothing to dowith the price of tea in China,or the price you pay for a Cubsticket. Expectations were lowheading into the Cubs’ fabled2003 season, too, but if youbegin thinking that low expec-tations can’t be bad, then youdefeat the purpose of havinglow expectations, especiallywhen they concern the Cubs.

At least there can’t be anymore scapegoats. Since theCubs are owned by someonewhose last name isn’tCompany, he can be quicklyfound and blamed. No one ishappier about this than JimHendry, who took a lot of abuse

from people who were kindenough not to rail against theirpaperboy when the Tribune Co.owned the team.

So, the Cubs are building anew Spring Training stadium.They considered a move toNaples, Florida so that theycould practice against theYankees and Red Sox. If play-ing A.L. juggernauts is thatimportant to Tom Ricketts, theCubs can meet them halfway inthe Astrodome, or try making itto the World Series once in awhile. Since a ‘Series title iskey to the new owner’s missionstatement, Spring Traininggames against either teamwould appear to be anticlimac-tic.

Hohokam Stadium is alleged-ly “outdated,” having been builtin 1997. Mesa’s Abercrombie& Fitch will gladly pay all thecosts of a new training campfor business reasons. Heavenforbid there aren’t any Cubsfans around to buy $95 sandalsat their store. By the way, theCubs won’t even discuss leav-ing Wrigley Field anytime

soon, since it’s only eight yearsold.

When it comes to “gettingtheir man,” the free agentsrecently signed by the Cubsarguably live up to the spirit ofthat expression. They acquireddudes who will try to keepthem ahead of the Pirates, andsaved money for importantthings like rebuilding

Ameritrade. The Cubs had opportunities

to sign players that are actuallypretty good, like JustinDuchscherer. Roger Federerwould have been a good sign-ing for the Cubs because herecently proved again he servesa mean tennis ball. Federerquite handily could haveworked as a pitcherer, I mean

pitcher. The t-shirt vendorsaround Wrigley could have soldshirts proclaiming, “40 loveRoger’s fastball!”

Maybe you shouldn’t careabout the Cubs’ expectations.Maybe you should only worryabout other things that youhave no control of, like theweather for games you plan tosee at Wrigley this year.

THE REAL DEALTM

FEBRUARY 2010 | 11

The Heckler is about life as sports fans in Chicago. It has absolutely no affiliation with any sports team. Largely satirical, TheHeckler also contains bonafide sports news and commentary. All names used in a satirical context are fictional, unless the indi-vidual represented is famous or otherwise noteworthy.

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