Letter From The Editor: By Adolph Sloan I wanted to be a newspaperman my whole life. Unfortunately, a lawsuit leveled against me by the EMI Records and Sony Universal Music corporation, as well as the Federal Communications Commission ruined me, financially. This is all because I partook in copyright infringing file exchange on early media sharing software (Kazaa; BearShare; Limewire etc).

Simply because I facilitated in the spreading of one popular contemporary top 40 compilation album series (which I am legally prohibited to mention right Now!), I assumed I’d never make my own, full-color 200 page Sunday newspaper.

Until my angel appeared. I’m not saying that I believe in lily white, halo wearing angel cherubs (of course, no harm done if you do). I think angels are good people on earth who do nice things.

One such person on the website www.craigslist.org showed me how simple it is to print a newspaper from the comfort of your home only needing an internet connection. His weekend seminar taught me to sell advertising to sponsors thus subsidizing the cost of printing.

I intended to print a 200 page booklet detailing the torture I’ve been subjected at the hands of copyright now. However I did not correctly anticipate ink costs and I promised our sponsors our print circulation is 40,000. I just printed all the ads on one page so I didn’t get in trouble.

The other stuff in this newspaper is by my mom and my friend Steve. Also I like weather.

THE

WEATHER!

Everybody’s talkin’ ‘bout

LOW HIGH4 20

CLASSIFIEDS

Help Wanted!

Punch hives!Earn honey!

Part Time Bee Fighter wanted. Duties include wackin’ at wasps, getting stung, yelling at yellow jackets. Eat all the honey you can swallow! Must

provide own armor, smoke gun, honey pots

Werewolves scare kids! Do you need a lupine creature of the night to scare your children off drugs? Don’t let your kid become

a crook! Hire me! Must provide costume and moonlight. I bring the snarls, howls, grunts, and

death rattle.

Pixie Sloan is a syndicated advice columnist, published in renowned newspapers for over 69 years.

Dear Pixie,Long time reader, first time writer. I have a question about that I popped a big zit on my thigh and it hasn’t stopped bleeding. This was on Friday. Please help. What can I do to get all the zits off my grotesque body so I can know human love?

Your pen pal,Andrew Cline

When I was a little girl, people said chocolate gave you pimples, which was fine for me because I never liked chocolate and I never really had pimples either. Personally, I like butterscotch better. I’m not sure if you like

chocolate, but if you do, stop eating it because it causes pimples, or so I’ve heard. Though if you do stop, and you keep getting pimples, chocolate’s probably not the problem so start eating it again. I know I wouldn’t want to give up my butterscotch if I didn’t have to!

Yours Truly!Pixie Sloan

Dear Person,My child just swallowed a medium sized stone he found in the creek behind our Victorian, 4 bedroom home in Vermont. I write this as he writhes on the floor in agony, gasping for air to fill his little-boy-lungs. Please advise! How would you remove the stone that blocks a 7-year-olds windpipe? I have not attempted any “maneuvers” as I prefer to refrain from giving my boy physical contact.

I eagerly wait your reply, and really hope you can help me straighten out this chapter of my life,Evan Metz

My husband (god rest his soul), took me to the east coast once a summer. We never went to Vermont, his sister lived in Maryland, but I’ve heard Vermont is very nice. My son didn’t put anything in his mouth that wasn’t food--in fact, he was reluctant to even put food in there, as mouths terrify him. I hope you called 911, I bet they have a machine that unclogs throats. Also, I understand your reluctance to touch your son. A daughter is a different story, but if you over-touch a son, something strange is bound to happen.

Yours Truly!Pixie Sloan

Common Cents with Pixie Sloan