EXPECT NO APPLAUSE Heart Centered Discipline Based on ... MP 1995 Reduced.pdf2. Deprivation 3. Seclusion V. Develop Affinity and Expect No Applause VI. List ofTibetan Buddhist Sayings

EXPECT NO APPLAUSE

Heart Centered Discipline Based on Tibetan BuddhistPrinciples

A Paper' Presented toThe Faculty of the Adler Institute of Minnesota

In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements forThe Degree of Master of Arts in

Psychotherapy and Counseling

By: Jean-Marie Hamm (Kunga Lhamo)

September 13, 1995

EXPECT NO APPLAUSE

Heart Centered Discipline Based on Tibetan Buddhist Principles

Dedicated to

Susan Vieirard. August 12, 1995)

who taught me through her living the meaning of affinity

and to

Arianne Rivardin gratitude for your patience, wisdom and playfulness

I wish to gratefully acknowledge the encouragement andchallenges presented by my gifted teachers, Dan Zenga, Kathryn

Furnberg, and Herb Laubeclinical supervisor, Jim Baldus

and advisor, Mim Pew

Expect No ApplauseHeart Centered Discipline Based on Tibetan Buddhist Principles

Table of Contents

AbstractIntroduction

I. Historical PerspectiveA. When Children'Are Victims of Discipline: Punishment, Neglect, andControl

B. What is Discipline and'Why Do We Do It?

1. Discipline and Encouragement: Two Sides of the Same Coin2. When to Discipline and Encourage

III. Going The Next Step: Heart Centered Discipline

A. The Impact of Discipline on the Discipliner

B. There is No Escape, and No Problem - Dealing Effectively With OurMistakes and OUf Child's

C. Building Strength

D. The Dance of Intimacy

IV. Psychological Discipline Styles of Parents: Variations on Involvementand Emotion

A. Hostile Parents Who Discipline - The Dance of the AuthoritarianParent and the Emotionally Troubled Child

B. Hostile Parents Who Don't Discipline - The Dance of the NeglectfulParent and The Child With Behavior Problems

c. Caring Parents Who Don't Discipline - The Dance of the IndulgentParent and the Well-liked Underachiever

Expect No Applause

Table of Contents, cont'd

D. Parents Who Discipline With Kindness - The Dance of the LeaderParent and the Valued Child

IV. How is Leadership Discipline Done?

A. Natural and Logical Consequences

B. Negotiation

C. Healthy Communication Style

D. Non-punitive Discipline

1. Restitution2. Deprivation3. Seclusion

V. Develop Affinity and Expect No Applause

VI. List of Tibetan Buddhist Sayings

References

List Of Tables:

Table 1Parental Duty To Make Rules: Agreement Between Parents andAdolescents

Table 2Parenting Styles

Abstract

Parents face a challenge in disciplining their children: balancing the

regulation and guidance of their children's behavior while simultaneously

expressing kindness, compassion and encouragement. Comparing two factors,

how demanding the parents are and what .emotional tone they use with their

children, yields descriptions of a variety of discipline styles observed to be used

by parents. Ultimately parents find the wisdom for disciplining children in

their own hearts. Through the practices of Tibetan Buddhism insights are

gained on·how to do discipline in a compassionate way.

Expect No Applause - 6 -

Introduction

While some children get abused, all children are subject to discipline and

most receive encouragement. Thus an architecture of discipline and

encouragement has broad clinical, school and home applications.

In order to thrive children require both psychological autonomy and

regulation of their behavior. Autonomy is necessary to develop identity,

boundaries and a sense of personal effectiveness. Regulation is required to

teach children social rules and structures, to facilitate their belonging to a

community and developing appropriate dependency and conformity. Barber,

Olsen, & Shagle (1994). The issue for parents is how to regulate the behavior

of their children while still encouraging autonomy.

The need for discipline often arises out of a conflict between the parent

and child. The parent wants or expects a certain behavior while the child is

doing something else. Parents use punishment or threats to achieve the desired

behavior, or give up and walk away. We tend at such moments to slip into

Expect No Applause" - 7 -

styles of discipline which are rigid and inflexible. Under stress we may

become authoritarian, demanding complete unquestioning obedience, or threaten

withdrawal of our affection if we do not get what we want. We may, when

under stress, neglect our children, expressing anger towards them about their

behavior but taking no action to deal with it. Or we may have a tendency to

indulge our children, expressing our affection for them and overlooking their

faults. Whatever we do, we are not only disciplining our children by our

actions, but regulating ourselves as well.

In good moments, which hopefully happen more and more, parents are

able to pay respectful attention to their children, be firm in making demands on

them and do this with kindness. There are many techniques which can be used

to resolve conflicts with children which are respectful and nurture the

relationship. These techniques of discipline encourage children to adopt

behaviors and beliefs that allow them to fit into family, society and culture

while giving them seniority in their own space - the right to be who they are,

fully. This is the goal of discipline which encourages. Leadership parenting,

incorporating techniques of negotiation, good communication skills and non

punitive discipline, provides an approach" for resolving parent-child conflicts

which nurtures the relationship.


Buddhist beliefs present additional insights into harmonizing conflicts

between parents and children. In particular Mahayana Buddhism teaches

compassionate communication and relationships to others. Its principles deepen

the possibilities for understanding how and why we discipline children.

Through following certain practices parents can learn to pause in the moment of

discipline, find out what is happening in their own hearts, see the good in the

their child even in this difficult moment, and then make a decision on how to

proceed. When parents act from this deep centeredness, they are doing what is

true for its own sake, and hence they expect no applause.

Using Tibetan Buddhist practices to center themselves in the moment of

crisis and choosing to look in our own hearts rather than focusing on our

children, we come to speak our truth and develop a unique style of discipline.

We recognize our conflicts with our children are addressing our stuck points.

We have the solutions internally, no book or formula can provide it. We can

find the solutions when we become familiar with whatever pain inside us is

evoking the urge to discipline our child. As we move closer to this reality,

new paths open to us for doing discipline in ways that connect us with our

children through our hearts.


I. Historical Perspective

A. When Children Are Victims of Discipline: Punishment, Neglect and

Control

Studies show minor but persistent conflict typifies Euro-American

adolescent-parent relationships. Smetana & Asquith (1994). One can speculate

on why this conflict arises. Some parents view children as learners of adult

culture, which is better and more civilized. Others see children as a threat to

adult society, one which must be redirected. Thorne (1987). For whatever

parental motivation, observation shows persistent conflict is typical.

Although we parents dislike it when our serene world is disrupted by our

children, this is exactly the moment when we can open our hearts. Chodron.

(1994). Instead, expressing compassion, parent-child conflict often provokes

the use of punishment. While ,discipline may be used as a means to solve a

conflict, punishment or walking away can be used to shut down the situation.

Punishment or abandonment are tools for parents to maintain adult privilege and

power over their children. Fry (1983).


The different status of parents '(UP) and children (down) in a typical

family can be recognized in many ways. For example, when·parents have a

conflict with a child, there is the assumption that the parents are right because

they have more experience. This assumption reduces the child's ability to

suggest alternative ways to resolving the conflict. It cuts off the child's option

to be a creative problem-solving member of the family. Similarly, the same

actions may be seen as good in a parent but bad in a child because of their

status difference. A child is taught to apologize for showing disrespect to their

parent, but parents will say nothing when they have misbehaved towards their

child. A child often cannot express anger over a perceived injustice without

risking the withdrawal of parental love. For example, if a child expresses

anger over a demand to do a chore, the result may be a time out - an isolation

from the parent's affection and attention. If a parent hits a child, it is not okay

for the child to hit the parent back. Thus in many ways the powerful status of

parents relative to their children is visible.

One way parents maintain power over their children is by punishing

them from an emotional position of anger, shame or blame. Out of such a hurt

or competitive attitude parents seek revenge with their kids. Acting our of

anger, however, is like picking up hot coals with bare hands to hurl at an



them of escalating parental anger. Further they place a high value on

maintaining harmonious family relations. Studies show children have a view of

the world which is more complex and more integrated than that of most adults.

Their response to the environment is more fluid than adults and they produce,

"Images of the future which are deeper, more integrated, and more global than

those expressed by adults." Kurdith-Schai (1988). The wisdom of these

children is humbling to us parents.

Punishment such as hitting or spanking maintains the power status of

adults in the family. It also fits the four characteristics of oppression: (1)

parental thinking places more value on what is up - parents - than what is down

- children, (2) parents view themselves at the moment of punishment in

opposition to their children rather than in cooperation with them, (3) parental

dominance is maintained by requiring children to conform to adult demands,

and (4) parents think they deserve to be obeyed because they know more and

are responsible for their children's (mis)behavior~ Fry (1983).

Such thinking by parents reflects their private logic, their internal way of

viewing and .interpreting conflict situations with their children. A person's

private logic usually has many beliefs helpful to carrying on his life, and it

usually contains many mistaken beliefs. Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer (1987).

These mistaken beliefs, often carried forward from early childhood, interfere


with accomplishing whatever goal we are seeking. If one can assume parents

are seeking harmony and order in the family, their private logic is

counterproductive when it tends to produce anger, discord, and repetitive

patterns of fighting which lead into a downward spiral for the parent and child.

One key mistaken belief parents have is that is okay to use physical

punishment on children. "Experts Aside, Many Mothers Still Believe In

Spanking," is the headline showing the results of a recent survey. Mothers still

spank their children, especially to discourage dangerous behavior, and they do

it fairly frequently. 52% of mothers had spanked their young children in the

week before the survey. Socolar (1995). Not surprising, mothers who had

been spanked as children were more likely to spank.

What do the experts say? Spanking promotes aggressive behavior,

hampers development of moral reasoning, reduces self-esteem, and makes

children depressed. It is not known whether the spanking itself is the culprit,

or the hostile attitude underlying it. Socolar (1995).

Taking it one step further, children who come from violent homes

consider hitting a form of reciprocal justice, regardless of whether the

provocation was physical or verbal. Astor (1994). In an ambiguous situation,

they are more likely to attribute a negative motive to the other person. They

are also more likely to have a victim mentality. Astor (1994).


The impact of violence on children is profound. They develop hyper

sensitivity to situations in the family which may lead to physical abuse directed

towards them. "Physically abused children reported greater fear than

nonabused children in response to all forms of interadult anger. Moreover,

abused children appeared particularly sensitive to· whether anger between adults

was resolved. " Hennessy, Rabideau & Cummings (1994). These children

express greater anxiety and distress upon witnessing violence between their

parents. The distress is grounded in reality: there is an association between

interparent anger and parent-child aggression. Unresolved .parent anger may

result in anger being directed at the children. Hennessy et. al. (1994).

As a result children from abusive families often become caretakers. The

caretaking responses shown by abused children may be a, "Fear-based attempt

to calm or soothe angry parents in order to avoid becoming the recipient of

parental aggression." Hennessy et. al. (1994). In addition, repeated exposure

to violence and abuse can lead to self-punishing behavior. Hennessyet. al.

(1994).

Abuse can happen emotionally as well as physically. The parent

humiliates the child to teach them a lesson. A. Miller (1983). The parent may

engage in many forms of verbal abuse ranging from frontal attack to silence to

deliberately misconstruing the child's words or intentions. Evans (1992).


Further, parents who victimize their children may not consciously act out of

hostility. They may be acting out of love or, as Alice Miller would say, "For

your own good." A. Miller (1983). All of these psychologically intrusive

behaviors serve to keep the child in her place, submissive to the parent.

Thus children can be easily oppressed during conflicts between parent

and child and unresolved conflicts between the parents. Children are victimized

when they are injured spiritually, emotionally or physically or forced (coerced)

to do something they did not want to do. The parent achieves compliance with

his wishes at the cost of forcefully imposing his will on the child. Because of

this potential for coercing children during conflict, some view children as

victims of adult actions. Thorne (1987). These oppressed children are

recognizable: (1) their options are reduced, (2) the family system operates

routinely to subjugate the child, and (3) the child is treated a certain way

because he is a child and not because of his unique abilities or traits. Fry

(1983). Thus parents can take an oppressive power-over relationship with their

children in situations of conflict.

The oppressive relationship· between parents and children is based on

fear. Schucman (1992). Parents fear loosing control of the child, fear

censorship from the community, fear not making a successful appearance, or

dread receiving some reproach. ~Parents discipline because they want one of


two things: (1) respect from the child, or (2) have the child (and parent) "look

good." While parents might be able to force social conformity and look good

by breaking the child's spirit, what child respects a tyrant?

How would parents act differently if they didn't base their actions on

fear? Instead of either punishing the child or giving up on the situation at the

moment of conflict, parents can entertain this thought, "There is no escape, and

no problem." Chodron (1994). The reason we may want to attack or run away

from a difficult child is because she reflects back to us a.part of ourselves we

are hiding from. Your kid is going into your basement, closet, attic - wherever

you store things you don't want to deal with - and saying, "Here, is this

yours?" Chodron (1994 at p. 60-61). Parents already have everything they

need to deal with this conflict - in themselves. In fact, some spiritual masters

have been reported to pay cantankerous persons to live at their retreat center,

because they stir things up and provide opportunities for the students to learn.

Chodron (1994).

In fact, all situations in life have the potential teach us. When we don't

or can't shut down or run away 'from a conflict with our kids, we have a

chance to dig for our internal riches. In Expect No Applause I will inquire into

how to go about digging, and what gold we might possibly find. Whatever we

choose to do, we can be confident that if we use hard-nosed punishment or run


away from conflicts with our children, we will get another chance to deal with

the conflict.

Even without engaging in any act of discipline, parents unwittingly

oppress children by culturally putting them in a double bind. Ideally children

are supposed to develop into rugged individuals, act with independence and

think for themselves . Yet when children exercise their independent thinking

and act in such a way that there is a conflict with their parents, the parents are

always right. The child is caught. No matter what he does he is wrong.

At the root of this double bind is the worship of the individual in

American society. The dark side of this is separation and isolation in American

society. No one is assured of a place in our fragmented and disintegrating

culture. The clan is absent, the family is dispersed. People are driven to

satisfy their emotional and spiritual needs through insatiable material

acquisition. With the escalation of fear, families isolate more. They retreat

into their private homes, separate from the larger community, unsure of their

role in it or their ability to influence it.

In Buddhist philosophy, by contrast, the community is held to be of

higher importance than the individual. In making a decision, an individual

must consider three things: (1) how will this benefit me, (2) how will it benefit

the others, and (3) what affect will it have on our relationship? Pabongka


(1993). The individual is assured of a place in the community, and learns from

childhood how to sustain that relationship.

In the post-Enlightenment West, the person is viewed as a fundamentally

autonomous individual. By contrast, for Buddhists personal identity is seen as

being created out of social relationships, present and historical. Hon (1995).

The purpose of Buddhism for Easterners is to become more open, responsible

and compassionate with others. The purpose of Buddhism for those Westerners

who adopt it is often to liberate the true self from negative conditioning

(another heroic journey). Hori (1995). There'is however, in Western

philosophy a view which corresponds to the Eastern emphasis on community.

In the psychology of Alfred Adler the goal of the individual is to belong, to

find his or her place in the community and to find a way to contribute to it.

Dinkmeyer et. al. (1987). Thus emphasis is placed on the importance of

relationships, although the integrity of the individual is still acknowledged. It is

this view·which opens the door to a new concept for resolving conflicts with

our children in a way that opens our hearts and theirs and nurtures the

relationship.


B. What is Discipline and Why Do We Do It?

Discipline is like whacking back weeds so a garden can grow. Think of

the earth' as filled with all kinds of plants - lush vegetation everywhere, bugs,

worms. To make a garden grow part of the process is holding back the

unwanted possibilities - getting rid of weeds and creatures which will adversely

affect what is emerging. Similarly, in child-rearing some behaviors are

discouraged. As the child goes through different stages of development

maladaptive behaviors are questioned and rooted out. The child gains strength

in belonging and contributing to the community (the garden).

To do discipline parents must take responsibility for bearing the wisdom

of their ancestors and the wisdom of their culture. Remembering our place in

the ongoing generations of life removes parents from a position of, "Me against

them," when we discipline. We are reminded of the larger life forces within

which our conflict is being solved - the generations before, the generations to

come, and the ongoing life of the community.

Parents must also look within, honestly, to the knowledge of their own,

hearts. From a base of this wisdom, parents decide what to root out or

discourage in the child. At the same time parents must 'allow for evolution

that each generation of children brings new visions of possibilities for the


world. So· parental discipline must be tempered with an appreciation for the

new, unique or unusual in the child.

Further, the shadow of the child cannot be rooted out. It is a valuable

part of the individual. We struggle with our shadow, and in the struggle grow

into new dimensions of ourselves. When we can accept, appreciate and

integrate our shadow we become whole. Our children deserve· this same

opportunity to grow. To eradicate the shadow in our children reduces them to

nice mush; to people-pleasing puppets.

Discipline is like discouraging the unwanted weeds. The parent allows

the child to notice an incongruence, to solve problems, to experience the

consequences of his actions. The parent restricts the child's freedom or places

demands on him. Allowing the child to learn how to cooperate and contribute

to the community becomes the motivating purpose behind such discipline. When

the actions of discipline are done with this motive of nurturing the child's

development, the child will strengthen and flourish.

1. Discipline and encouragement: two sides of the same coin. Just as

gardens need sunshine, water and butterflies - as well as weeding - so children

need encouragement as well as discipline. Encouragement is based on mutual

respect. The parent notices and builds on the child's strengths. The parent


helps the child experience acceptance and appreciation. Nelson (1981).

Discipline and encouragement are two aspects of the same parental action

- influence. In both discipline and encouragement the parent influences the

child to move in a certain direction. With discipline the parent is trying to

discourage a behavior, turn the child away from something or obtain conformity

to expectations. With encouragement the parent is trying to strengthen the

child's self-initiated movement towards something or propel the child towards

something she has not yet experienced. In both cases .the parent is influencing

or guiding the child's behavior and moral character towards a vision held by the

parent or a vision held by the child and approved of by the parent.

Discipline allows the child to learn limits and accept responsibility for

decisions. Encouragement motivates the child. Discipline is most effective

when it is encouraging. Through discipline the child can know his own ability

to measure up, belong and make a contribution. When this happens, discipline

is encouraging. The root word for courage is the Latin word" cor" which

means the heart, the seat of intelligence, feeling and spirit. Neilson, Knott &

Carhart, P.W. (Eds.) (1944). Discipline and encouragement are a matter of

developing the child's heart to engage life fully from a knowledge of her self

worth.


Giving encouragement is not the same as giving rewards or praise. The

later can arouse fear of failure or stimulate the child to only behave when he

will receive recognition. Rewards and praise can influence the child to believe

he is valued for his performance rather then himself. ,Thus they can actually

have a discouraging rather than encouraging impact on the child.

Some praise, however, can be encouraging. Effective praise matches the

child's enthusiasm for his accomplishment rather than overwhelming him.

When praising avoid tainting the praise with a reference to past failures. Stay

totally in the present and use moderation. Another way to praise is to let the

child overhear the parent telling friends about the child's accomplishments. In

fact, it is insightful to take an inventory of things we as parents have proudly

told others in the last week but haven't mentioned to our kids. Parents need to

find away to tell their kids what they told their friends. Faber & Mazlish

(1980).

When we give encouragement we notice what is good in the child rather

than condemn what is bad. In our accelerated world where parents spend less

and less time with their children, ,any kind of notice from a parent is a form of

attention, whether it is criticism or encouragement. Condemning the bad gives

attention to it. Anything which receives attention generally becomes stronger.

To avoid strengthening weaknesses by condemning them, parents can monitor


their speech, notice when they are criticizing, blaming, etc. and delete these

comments from their speech. Condemnation is counterproductive to a parent's

goal of helping the child develop into a socially flourishing being in the family

and community.

Paying attention to these habits of criticism nd condemnation means the

parent will be implementing one of the Tibetan mind-training slogans, "Always

maintain a joyful mind." This slogan reminds us that we have a choice to make

about the content of our minds. We can choose to maintain a joyful mind or

we can choose to maintain a sour mind. Further, we can choose to maintain a

joyful mind just when things are going particularly well, or at all times. The

mind is our interior landscape, and we maintain it as we wish, regardless of

what is going on around us. This tells parents that while accurate observation

of their child's behavior is important, the attitude parents take in commenting

on that behavior is one of choice. By being encouraging with tIle child, parents

practice for themselves the discipline of, "Always maintain a joyful mind. "

If a parent thinks his child has·a short-coming~ such as not being

responsible enough, instead of criticizing this behavior notice a time when she

is responsible. Encourage the behavior in the child that you want to see more

of. Consider what positive outcome you want from your child, and find a way

to notice its presence, however small, already in your life. Focus on that small


presence of desired behavior, encourage it and give it space to grow. Point out

what small thing the child has done right, and let her discover the next step.

Suppose a child is prone to leaving dirty clothes lying around her room

on the floor. The parent can condemn this action by coming in the room and

making negative comments, making demands to pick up the clothes, kicking the

clothes, offering a bribe or any of the many other tactics we all know so well.

An encouraging approach to guide the child towards more desirable

behavior is to make a request with·a brief explanatio,n, "I want dirty clothes to

be put in the laundry, so they can be washed,' or ask a question, "Where do

dirty clothes belong?" or make a joke, "I see you have a new rug on your

floor." After the first· request it may take a few more prompts before the child

cooperates. Use ~ few words as possible after you have explained your

re'quest and don't lecture or moralize or (heaven forbid) whine. UClothes,

laundry," is enough. Faber & Mazlish. (1980). Then, be patient. Wait to see

what happens. Know that a child's time frame for taking action is slower than

an adults, and her consistency in action will be less than 100%. Nelson (1980).

Be patient and observant, watch for the desired result.

When one day the dirty clothes are up off the floor and in the laundry

without prompting, comment on the difference. This encourages the behavior

desired from the child. There are several ways to praise, and the parent's


imagination can create them. Too much praise, however, like too much cake,

can be a bit sickening. Instead of using "great" or "fantastic" to praise, give

the child some concrete details. Faber & Mazlish (1980). Children (including

adolescents) are concrete and need details to understand what is being

communicated. The parent might notice rather than praise the .difference, "I

notice your room looks different today than it did yesterday." Details can be

added, "It looks more orderly," "I see your clothes have disappeared. "

Noticing' allows the child to own what she did, instead of feeling that it was

done to please the parent.

It works well to express feelings and invite a reply. This allows the

child to know the impact of her actions on another person ·(one of five billion

on the planet, but a very important one) and add her own perspective on what

she did. ,The parent might say, "This room appears neat and peaceful to me.

What did you do that is different?" You might find that picking up the clothes

was the main event, or that it was incidental to something else more important

to your child. Inviting her interpret~tion takes the parent out of the role of

defining the child's reality and gives the parent more information about her

modis operandi.

If someday your child comments to you, "Hey, the laundry basket is full

and I'm low on clothes," the parent needs to pause and remember his long


range goal when giving a response. While the parent might be thinking, "Oh

darn, another chore I didn't need right now," the parent's goal will be better

served if the kid hears something like, "Wow, I didn't know. It helps, though,

to have all the dirty clothes together in the laundry." Don't get distracted from

yo'ur goal by other pressures of the moment. And remember to wash your

kid's clothes in the first batch. Then, at some appropriate age you can repeat

the process, and take her the next step - learning to wash her own clothes.

Encouragement works. It works because it draws upon the innate

goodness in all of us. As the Tibetan Buddhists would say, practice looking for

the seed of virtue within each of us. An encouraged parent believes that good

events are enduring and difficulties or failures are temporary. Dinkmeyer &

Eckstein (1993). If a parent firmly believes this· about his child, that the

goodness of the child endures, while the problem of the dirty clothes on the

floor is temporary, the parent will have the patience to watch for his child's

goodness to emerge.

To demonstrate patience, recognize attempts, not just results. Kelly,

Main & Zenga (1978). Work with the child for improvement, not for

perfection. Mistakes along the way should not be viewed as failures.

Commend her effort and let your child know her worth is not dependent on

success by separating the deed from the doer. Show faith in the child and value


her as she is now. Allow your child the genuine happiness of taking care of

herself, even if imperfectly. When you are most frustrated with this process of

practicing patience, take some time with your child to do something you both

enjoy. Take regular time together to nourish your relationship and plan

experiences for her success. Kelly et. ale (1978).

Further, let the child move at her own speed. Stimulate her, but don't

push her ahead. "Abandon any hope of fruition," is what the Tibetan Buddhists

would say. As long as you keep wishing for your child to change, she won't.

Relax into what you have now. Then be willing to receive what you desire.

Your hope for fruition implies your child is not good enough now. It is a form

of aggression against yourself and your child. Chodron (1994). Instead, give

your child the courage to be imperfect. To do this, you need to give it to

yourself first.

Finally, what we do for encouragement is not as important as how we do

it. Encouragement is conveyed to our children when our emotional tone

matches our words. There is latitude in how strict parents can be with their

children. Families have different styles. Steinberg, Lamborn, Darling,Mounts

& Dornbusch. (1994). What registers most deeply with a child is the emotional

tone and motive behind what the parent says and does. Ask your child, "Do

you know that I love you?" and find out what the response is. Nelson (1981).


Show warmth and affection. Show appreciation. Use humor. The emotional

tone behind the words needs to match the words - and the words need to be

spoken. This will encourage the child.

2. When To Discipline and Encourage. If the child has truly done

something harmful, acknowledge it honestly. Then look to see how the harm

done can be unraveled. Chodron (1994). Beyond this most drastic situation,

parents have more or less authority to discipline and encourage adolescents and

younger children depending on the reason for their intervention. The occasions'

for. discipline and encouragement can be visualized on a continuum. On one

end are areas of life where the parent retains full control over the actions of a

child. In the middle are areas where both the parent and the child want to

influence the rules. On the other end of the continuum adolescents assert full

authority over some aspects of their life.

. Parents retain authority over moral issues (what behavior is good) and

conventional issues (what behavior is socially appropriate). Moral issues

include rules about such things as honesty and fairness; conventional rules

express expectations in social situations. Almost every one, 90% of parents

and adolescents, agree parents have a duty to make rules about moral issues.

Moral issues were governed by more rules than any other area of adolescent

life. Adolescents stated moral rules are legitimately made by parents, are


obligatory, and their rightness is independent of parental authority. Smetana &

Asquith (1994).

Adolescents assert authority over personal issues, ie, actions which only

have consequences for the actor. Examples of personal rules are what clothes

or hair style to wear. Adolescents and parents both claim authority to make

rules about safety matters, the adolescent's choice of friends, and multifaceted

rules which affect several areas of the adolescent's life. Smetana & Asquith

(1994). Thus even from an adolescent's point of view, parents retain broad

authority to set rules - and hence to discipline.

Table 1

Parental Duty To Make Rules:Agreement Between Parents and Adolescents

Type of Rule Agreement Between Parents &Adolescents That Parents Should Make

Rules

Moral 90%

Safety 71%

Social Conventions 62%

Friendship 60%

Multifaceted (affecting several areas) 48%

All areas of an adolescent's' life were viewed by both adolescents and adults as

being in the adult domain of authority, except for personal rules such as hair

style or dress. Smetana & Asquith (1994).


Defining the boundaries of parental authority, however, is fraught with

conflict. Mothers and fathers claimed to discuss all issues more and to have

more rules governing them than the adolescents acknowledged. Parents viewed

all issues as more legitimately subject to their jurisdiction than did adolescents.

Smetana & Asquith (1994).

Further, even where the authority of parents is overwhelmingly

acknowledged, in the areas of moral and conventional issues, discussions of

rules tends ·to be angry. In fact, the discussions tend to be more angry than

discussions of other rules. Smetana & Asquith (1994).

Thus, depending on what the issues are, the parents' duty or right to

discipline may be accepted or challenged by their children. Conflicts can arise

over several issues: (a) conflicts over .defining the boundaries of the middle

ground, where both the child and parent have rights to influence decisions .and

make rules, (b) conflicts over the content of the rules or decisions, and (c)

conflicts over the process by which the rules or decisions are arrived at.

Conflicts, however, define the edges of relationships and it is in these areas that

we have our greatest potential for growth.

Expect -No Applause - 31 -

ID. Going the Next Step: Heart Centered Discipline

What does it mean to be a parent of integrity? To ·demonstrate our

internal values in resolving conflicts with our children, rather than using

punishment or abandonment? One way of thinking of this is, "Don't transfer

the ox's load to the cow." In other words, at every moment of discipline the

parents are carrying a load, an emotionally charged load of what is hurting

them and provoking them to consider discipline. To act with integrity means to

accept this .load as their own, and not to transfer it to the child' by either over

controlling or giving up. When we act with integrity we don't transfer the ox's

load to the cow.

How to govern our children with integrity can emerge from that point in

us where our bodies and souls unite - our heart. The first challenge of heart

centered discipline is for parents to find their own· center. The second

challenge is to be willing to share that center with our children - including its

tender and vulnerable spots . We do this instead of armoring over our tender

spots by acting harshly or numbing out. The third challenge of heart centered

discipline is to never give up on ourselves or our children.


A heart centered approach to discipline is generated internally by parents

grappling with the immediate conflict in the context of their own wisdom and

past experiences. Parents must· find their own truth - and pain - in any

situation. What am I feeling? What do I want? What am I ashamed of or

embarrassed by? What part o,f me hurts? Parents discipline from heart when,

rather than invoking a formula, they act on their own authority. This means

they define their boundaries, and firmly (if not humorously) make them visible

in the world - while staying respectfully engaged with their children. This

heart centered discipline is a practice of self-awareness that provides guidance

to the child while nurturing the ongoing relationship between parent and child.

It brings parents to a place where they can be compassionate, clear and open

with our children.

A. The Impact of Discipline on the Discipliner

Every act of discipline has an impact on the parent as well as the child.

We are part of an interconnected web of life. In such a web, everything in the

system influences everything else. Morgan (1991). Thus the way the parent

disciplines the child, is an expression of the parent and it has an impact on the

parent. ,We are both the doers of our actions and the recipients of the


responses of the universe to the energy we put out. As the common saying is,

"What goes round comes round."

Thus whatever discipline style the parent is using at any moment, the

parent and child are dancing together. The dance has rules, which parent and

child either follow or deviate from. The dan~e has a characteristic style of

movement, and a goal for each of the participants. How do two birds - the

child and parent locked in a dance of painful conflict - fly free from the cage of

their unspoken rules? We are creatures of free will - it is our greatest gift after

the gift of life.

As parents we are free to change the dance of conflict, by our own

creative intentions as we carry them into the world. Further if we look at our

dancing partners - our children - and truly see them and hear them in moments

of conflict, we may find in them some of the pearl seeds of change. We can

find our own clues for change by following the Tibetan Buddhist practice of,

"Always meditate on whatever provokes resentment." Thus the dancers to this

painful dance have the ability to create a dance of harmony and peace, if they

can only find the path. From whatever. source, if we initiate a change - do

something unexpected - we disturb the system. The system as a whole will

respond to that change and it 'will affect both us and our child. Beavers (1985).


B. There is No Escape, and No Problem - Dealing Effectively with YourMistakes and Your Child's

We all get to make mistakes, both parents and children. We do things

we regret. We say things we wish we could freeze in mid-air before they

reached the ears of our children. How do we undo the harm from discipline

we regret - whether too' much or too little?

The Tibetan Buddhist mind-training slogan which speaks to this dilemma

is, "There is no escape, and no problem." Chodron (1994). Whatever our

stuck point is, wherever we lock in with our child to a destructive dance, we

cannot escape. Until we move closer, accept our pain and then walk through

it, we cannot escape. On the other hand, there is no problem. We have this

stuck point in disciplining our child for a reason. We have created this

problem as a soul, so we can learn from its solution. The problem is our

creation and the solution is also. Everything needed to solve this problem is

available to us. So, there is no escape and no problem.

There are many ways to walk through the pain. Tonglin practice can

help. In this practice we breathe in the pain. then we breathe it out, giving it

space. Whatever that pain is we have locked into ourselves, we go back,

discover the cache and open it. We breathe in the pain surrounding our harsh

discipline. We get to experience feelings and beliefs we stashed so many years

ago, to walk through them step by step. We draw on our adult wisdom and

Expect No Applause' - 35 -

experience to do this. If we stored the pain when we were nine years old, we

go back to being emotionally nine years old in that issue of our life. We

experience the pain we couldn't deal with then. After that we can grow up,

from nine years old to our present age. Maybe we will grow in stages, bit by

bit, as we build our true self out of our darkness. Maybe we will grow in a

spurt. The choice is ours. The first step is to find the pain buried in our

difficult moments of discipline and walk through it.

Simultaneously with becoming familiar with our pain, we create a new

vision for the future. When the pain is gone; what will hold its space in us?

What do we wish to have instead? This new creation is made ready, to move

in and take the place of the pain as we heal from, it and become stronger.

While Tonglin practice teaches us to move towards our pain, to breathe

it in and give it space, in Western culture we instinctively avoid our pain.

There are some Tibetan Buddhist practices which can help us overcome this

resistance to dealing with the painful stuck points we experience in disciplining

our children. These practices. are: (1) be willing to give, (2) name your

unreasonable actions and beliefs, (3) feed the ghosts, and (4) make an offering

to your protectors. Chodron (1994).

First, be willing to give. This means that in the very moment when

discipline is headed down that painful path, be willing ri~ht then to give - to


yourself and to your child. Give yourself some space, pause for a moment.

Figure out what good you have that you are clutching. Acknowledge it and

give it away to your child. It might be as simple as, "I'm proud of our

family." Then allow. yourself to experience this painful moment of discipline as

a bit friendlier than the last one like this.

Second, name your unreasonable actions and beliefs. Be clear to

yourself about what your mistake is, "How have I disciplined inappropriately in

this situation before?" Give it a scientific description. Be accurate - don't skip

over any part, and don't exaggerate either. Name your unreasonable actions

and beliefs to yourself. No forgiveness is asked or given, because this is not a

SIn. It is a healthy moment of honesty.

The next step is familiar in our twelve step society: regret what you have

done without dwelling on it - and take concrete steps to refrain from repeating

it. As a starting point to refraining from past actions of harshness with your

child, do the opposite of your habitual discipline reaction. If it is to yell, be

still. If it is to withdraw, talk. If it is to grab for firm control, shake your

hands loose and breathe. If it is to be a wet noodle, stand firm. Experiment

find out .what will open the door and bring breath into the situation. We have

ten creative solutions to each of our problems. Find all ten. Then at the

moment of disciplining, feel your feet. If you can't feel your feet, you are not


fully present in the moment; part of you has shut down or disappeared. When

you can feel your feet and wiggle your toes, your truth is close at hand.

Now, take some time to nourish that which is good in you. While you

are in this process of coming closer to the pain surrounding discipline find a

way to strengthen and nourish the good in you. Don't wait until you have that

pain~l stuck point fixed. The time 'when you need to strengthen'the good is

now, while you are in the throes of struggling with your shadow and your

child. Give yourself a hug. Allow a smile to come forth. Notice words of

encouragement posted on the refrigerator door. While the idea of such self

nurturing may cause your head to nod in agreement, it is contrary to what many

Westerners do. Weare so focused on fixing our problems, doing our duties

and improving our children we have forgotten this simple concept. So take

time right now - in the midst of your struggle with your child and your pain -

to nourish the good in you.

When you have thought of a way that works for you to do discipline

differently in this situation, express your willingness to stay on this new path.

Make a resolution, a promise to yourself. Write it on paper, say it out loud.

Make a contract with your child to use this new way of discipline. Put some

energy into proclaiming ·it to the world to show its importance to you.


Third, feed the ghosts. When the tense moment of discipline. has gone

past, make a relationship with your own unreasonableness in handling the

situation. Thank: your unreasonableness for what it teaches you and how you

have become stronger and healthier for having to deal with it. The traditional

Tibetan Buddhist incantation is, "Not only do I not want you [ghosts of my

unreasonableness] to go away, you can come back any time you like. And

here, have some cake." Chodron (1994). We offer cakes to our unreasonable

ghosts because they wake us up. We have the chance to change a part of

ourselves that is bent and awry. As long as we stay alert and attentive and

open, these ghosts will not come in. When we start to close down our heart or

isolate form our children, our tendency to discipline painfully will be right

there, like a weather report announcing our internal state of affairs. The urge

to move towards punishment or abandonment of our children alerts us to a

place deeper within us that is asking for .nurturing. If we .can nurture that place

instead of thoughtlessly punishing, we have moved one step closer to our own

divine nature and our child's.

Fourth, when the moment of discipline has passed make an offering to

your protectors. Whatever or whomever it is that helped you stay clearer than

the time before, offer something in appreciation. This gratitude is another way

of getting our energy to flow around and beyond the stuck point in our parent-


child conflicts. We set up a new pattern of energy in the universe, and it is

connected to us. This new pattern acknowledges our support and strength as

parents and expresses our appreciation for it. Surely such energy will help us

through the next challenging moment of discipline with greater ease.

All of these steps for dealing with our unreasonableness as parents apply

to our children's mistakes equally as well. If we genuinely feel our child has

made a mistake or done something harmful, we can walk the child through

these steps and show him the path for recovering from his wrong deed.

We begin again with, "Be willing to give." In the moment of the

mistake,rather than attacking or ignoring our child, we acknowledge what the

child was trying to give. Somewhere in the child and his behavior is an attempt

to give something of value to the child's community. Find it and give it to the

child by acknowledging it. If your child is whining, notice that he's just helped

complete a hectic shopping trip. Give this small gift to the child, to know that

even in his moment of pain he is capable of staying connected and giving.

Whatever gift he is trying to bring to the situation, whether a bit of humor that

backfired, a desire to speak a truth, or a tugging at your over-zealousness,

acknowledge that. Know that your child is giving something even when he is

misbehaving; look for it and help him give it by acknowledging it.


Next, "Narne your unreasonable actions and beliefs." Give your child a

clear statement of what you think or feel his error is. Don't exaggerate it or

minimize it. For example, "I find your whining irritating and it makes me not

want to help you." Give your child the opportunity to state his version of it.

Don't expect your child to ask for forgiveness. Let him have the respect of

internally regretting what he has done and resolving to do differently next time.

Next, "Nourish that which is good," in the child. This says that at the

moment when we are inclined to discipline, we should also help the child find a

way to connect with what is good in him. Perhaps, in the midst of dealing with

whining, a joke will bring a laugh, a story can be shared, or a gentle touch

given that expresses affection. Withdraw from the battle and do the unexpected

- whatever will nurture the good in your child. 'If we give the child a time out

to cool off, it means the time in his room is spent in a way that will lift his

spirits and bring him back to his goodness. If the child is allowed to

experience natural and logical consequences, the positive value ,of this

experience is what is emphasized - where it nurtures rather than diminishes the

child.

Next, teach the child to feed his ghosts. Find out what new

unreasonable part of the child you have come to know - and what lies beneath

this unreasonableness. It can be as simple as, "I notice when you whine like

Expect No ~Applause - 41 -

you just did, often you are exhausted and haven't given yourself some quiet

time or the food you need. Thank goodness for your whining, because it tells

me to ask if you need rest or quiet. ·Do you think it's okay to take good care

of yourself this way?" In this way the child becomes acquainted with his ghosts

and is strengthened from learning how to appreciate and deal with them.

Finally, "Make offering to your protectors." Show your child the

guidance in his life that endures and has helped him through this conflict.

Make an offering to what he has already learned, to the foundation he has been

able to build and use this time. For example, "Even while you were whining, I

noticed you hanging up your jacket." This could also be done humorously,

"Hey! Did you see that jacket jump up on its hook?" If your child responds,

"No, I put it there," you can reply, "How can that be? I thought tired whiners

dropped everything on the floor." Make an offering to the protectors - notice

and reinforce what guides your child and what he has already learned and is

able to practice.

In this way both you and your child can recover from your mistakes in a

way which strengthens your family.


B. Building Strength

Aside from recovering from mistakes in disciplining our children, we

have also the positive side to look at - building our strength as firm and kind

parents. ,There are five areas we can strengthen in ourselves to open our hearts

and allow us to do heart centered discipline. These are: (1) determination, (2)

familiarization, (3) seed of virtue, (4) reproach, and (5) aspiration. Chodron

(1994).

To build the strength of determination connect with your child in joy.

Be determined to use every challenge presented by your child as an opportunity

to open your heart. Relax into the moment of discipline and trust the process.

Don't isolate or withdraw and don't intimidate. Be determined, instead, to

touch your heart.

To build the strength of familiarization allow the principles which you

have chosen to guide you in disciplining your child to become second nature.

Put them on your refrigerator door and know them by heart. Practice them on

a good day when things are going well, so they become automatically available

when things take a sudden turn for the worse.

To build the strength of the seed of virtue know that goodness is already

within you and within your child. It is there. You only need to find it, nourish


it and express it. In the moment of discipline, act on this conviction. Look for

the seed of virtue until you find it.

To build the strength of reproach learn to talk to yourself without blame.

Stop doing your negative behaviors or thoughts. When you slip, reproach

yourself as a loving parent would. Then let go of your mistake lightly.

To build the strength of aspiration, voice your wishes for 'a kind and firm

touch in disciplining your child. Voice them to yourself, to your child and to

the divine, "It would be good if my children could receive heart centered

discipline. I would like to be the one to bring it to them. May I receive and

develop the qualities to make this happen." Pabongka (1993).

D. The Dance of Intimacy

Heart centered discipline is a way to stay connected with children in

moments of conflict and disappointment. It requires that parents be involved

with their children and not walk away. It also requires that parents respect the

child's boundaries and not violate them. Ultimately, heart centered discipline

sustains and nurtures the long term relationship between parent and .child. It

requires that parents see their children more clearly. Paradoxically they are then

able to dance the dance of intimacy.


IV. Psychological Discipline Styles of Parents: Variations On Involvement And

Emotion.

Parenting is a tough job. The signs of parental overload are: (a) feelings

of intense frustration, anger or even dislike for your child, (b) increased use of

threats or demands, (c) shorter tempers or raised voices, (d) inability to keep

children's activities contained within appropriate boundaries, (e) decrease in

positive interactions with your child and increase in the use of passive activities

such as watching something. Skillingstad (1995). When parental overload

happens discipline issues often arise. Parental overload can be due to many

factors - job, finances, relatives, health, etc. It causes problems when it is

expressed in hostile emotions and behaviors towards the child - the most

vulnerable link in the family system.

Parents approach discipline using different styles. Most parents will tend

to shift styles under stress. This is because we use one communication style for

our ordinary transactions and a different one when under strain. Miller, Miller,

Nunnally & Wackman (1991). In stressful situations discipline may be done

through parenting styles which incorporate physical or psychological coercion,

or parenting styles which provide insufficient discipline.


These parenting styles are described as authoritarian, neglectful and

indulgent. Authoritarian parents are those who use physical or psychological

coercion with their children. While these parents are involved with their

children and make demands on them, they do it with a hostile emotional

attitude. They also use methods which would not be acceptable to a healthy

adult. Other parents who are hostile towards their children but make no

demands on them are described as neglectful. These parents are disengaged

and the child does not have the benefit of parental leadership. Still other

parents express an emotionally benevolent attitude towards their children but do

not make demands on them. These parents are also disengaged and are

described as indulgent. Most parents will shift towards one of these three

styles - authoritarian, neglectful or indulgent, when they are experiencing

parental overload or when in a confrontation with their child. Even though we

may not use one of these styles predominantly, there are moments and

situations which evoke them from us.

Each of these parenting styles, however, has a seed of truth within it.

The authoritarian parent recognizes the need to bring order into the child's life;

the negligent and indulgent parents recognize the need for the child to have

autonomy to grow. These styles, however, are incomplete or out of balance in

their approach. They reflect a Tibetan Buddhist perspective on the paths we


can take in any situation, "If you tighten the string too much it will snap. If

you loosen it too much it will not play." With some attention by the parent,

these discipline styles can be modified into actions which will bring more

happiness and less suffering to the parent and child. "True happiness comes

from a sense of inner peace and commitment... . We all seek happiness and try

to avoid suffering." Gyatso (1990).

What we have learned is that ideally parents must make demands on

their children, and equally important is the emotional tone with which this is

done. The combination of parental demandingness with an attitude of kindness

describes the leadership parenting style. Dreikers & Solz (1964). When

conflict occurs the parents stay involved - they don't give up on the child. On

the other hand, the parents don't dive into the child with physical and

psychological weapons. Instead the parent finds a way to make demands of the

child and do it in a respectful way.

A. Parents Who Discipline With Hostility - The Dance of the AuthoritarianParent And The Emotionally Troubled Child

The authoritarian parenting style occurs when the parent has high

demands, requires strict compliance with parental directives (without

negotiating), and administers firm enforcement - including spanking - if a child

continues to disobey. Chao (1994). This parenting style presents the child with


order, but no freedom. Nelson (1981). In modern terms, Alice Miller and

others describe an authoritarian discipline geared towards breaking the will or

spirit of the child as abuse. A. Miller (1983). The cost to the future of

civilized life on earth is yet unknown.

Authoritarian parenting arises out of a historical approach· to discipline

which is, "to chastise; orig. to whip or scourge in order to mortify or subjugate

will or passions." Neilson et. al. (1944). Parents who use authoritarian

discipline may believe that their actions are necessary to redeem their child

from original sin. The results of punishment, however, are predictable:

resentment, revenge, rebellion and retreat (sneakiness and/or reduced self

esteem). Nelson (1981). By contrast Buddhism teaches that the seeds of virtue

lie within each one of us. Pabongka (1993). In fact, we do not know who the

next Buddha or enlightened being might be. It could be your child.

In authoritarian families children do not develop their own identity or

ego strength. Without a firm identity, these children are incapable of defining

their boundaries or defending them. Kurdek & Finey (1994). These children

who are harshly disciplined become docile. Their behavior is appropriate, and

their spirits have been broken. These children may suffer from emotional

illness and tend towards depression or anxiety. Barber, Olsen & Shagle (1994).

In the short term, they will do well in school and they will comply with social


rules (stay out of trouble), but they pay the price in depression, low self

reliance and low self esteem. Over time children in these families show an

increase in psychological sympto.ms and somatic symptoms and a decrease in

orientation towards doing their school work. Steinberg et. ale (1994).

Parents who shift towards an authoritarian style in moments of stress and

who would rather soften their approach will find wisdom in some of the mind

training slogans of Mahayana Buddhism. Chodron (1994). Two of these are:

Don't bring things to a painful point.

Don't seek other's pain as the limbs of your own happiness.

The problem with the tendency to dive in and solve the problem of the moment

with authoritarian parenting is spoken to in 'the slogan, "Don't bring things to a

painful point." The pain is both yours and your child's. On some level, we

know where that painful point is and we are familiar with the path leading to it.

The slogan tells us all we need to do is to refrain from bringing the conflict

once again down the familiar path to that painful point. Since it takes two to

fight, our refraining is sufficient to avert touching the pain. Instead of diving

in, giving the conflict energy and demanding to be in control, we find a way to

avoid bringing things to that painful point.

If a cool off period is needed before the problem can be solved, let the

child relax into enjoyment. She should go to her room and play, read a book


or do whatever calms, comforts and nurtures the good in her. The parent

should do the same (not some hated task, not slamming doors, etc.). Outbursts

of anger have a physiological impact on the body, increasing the possibility of

heart attacks. Williams (1993). There are both psychological and physical

reasons for calming down. Then when both have recovered, pick a time and

place to work on the problem.

A corollary is to not seek another's pain as the limbs of our own

happiness. What an empty victory if our child, dissolved in tears or consumed

by rage, complies with our wishes . We may be happy because we got the

submissiveness we sought, but our happiness is built on our child's pain.

How can we avoid arriving at these painful points? Three other slogans

point a :way: "Don't try to be fastest," "Don't act with a twist," and "Don't

wait in ambush." Is it not our competitive desire to be fastest, first, and on top

which drives us on to the point of pain? Is it not our fear that if we don't stake

the flag first, our child will own the mountain? Thus, "Don't try to be fastest."

Further, being an adult, if we can't win the argument with our child by

playing fair, we certainly know many short cuts which will assure our victory.

We can act with a twist and we can wait in ambush. The mind-training of

Buddhism, however, suggests we lay down these weapons . We may win, but


in the process we have armored our hearts and created an enemy - our ·own

child. Thus we can change the painfully familiar path of a confrontation with

our child by letting go of our competitive aggression.

The four mistaken goals of a child's behavior are: attention, power,

revenge or display of inadequacy. Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer (1987). The

remedies are: (1) attention - ignore. Instead, give the child attention during·

positive times. (2) power - pullout of the power struggle and cool off. Then

take· steps to cooperate. Shut your mouth and act - kindly and firmly. Decide

what you will do, not what you want to make your child do. (3) revenge

withdraw from the cycle by not doing retaliation (raising the ante, escalating).

Cool off. Use encouragement. (4) displays of inadequacy - Don't pick up the

pieces and don't nag. Notice and reward small successes. Do not give up.

Nelson (1981). For all children who regularly display these behaviors, set a

schedule for regular positive time with the child, doing something together you

both enjoy. Kelly, et. al. (1978).

We get into the painful path of using authoritarian discipline because in

American culture two parental duties have been disconnected: caring for

children and governing children. While children need to be governed, the

exercise of control is often done in military style - with competitiveness,


hostility and aggression. When this happens, parental governance of children

turns into commanding and controlling.

Authoritarian parenting also occurs when the parents use intrusive

psychological control. Rather than openly shouting or raging at the child, these

parents covertly seethe anger through their manipulations. Psychological

intrusion arises out of hostility - covert hostility. Children in these families

perceive their parents are always trying to change them or manipulate them in

ways that threatens their emotional bond, eg., by withdrawal of love. Barber

et. ale (1994). Members of these families lack differentiation; they are

enmeshed.

Paradoxically parents who are highly psychologically controlling often do

not control the behavior of their children. Barber et. ale (1994). That is, the

children lack clear and well-defined guidelines for their behavior. They are

thus unable to make an independent assessment of whether their behavior will

meet parental expectations. They experience little monitoring of or

accountability for their daily interactions with others in a concrete way, but live

in fear of the loss of their emotional bond with their parent.

Verbal abuse is one method used by parents trying to emotionally

control, dominate or establish superiority over a child. Verbal abuse can be

described in three categories: verbal force, subversive attack and silence.


Verbal force can be used against a child by insulting or threatening him. The

child can be shamed, blamed, guilted or criticized. The child can be the butt of

sarcastic jokes. All of these verbal tactics cause emotional bruises in the

energy field of the child as real as the bruises caused by a physical attack.

Subversive psychological attacks take various forms. The child and her

message may be trivialized or discounted. This is known as disconfirmation, a

category of abusive behaviors which result in ignoring the child and her

communication, and thereby letting her know she has no value. S. Miller et.

al. (1991). Disconfirmation also includes such things as ignoring the presence

of the child, avoiding eye contact, responding tangentially to the child's

requests or questions, and interrupting or contradicting the child. What parents

cannot say they have occasionally used these behaviors with their children?

The adult may also subversively strive for psychological dominance by

never offering reassurance to the child, continually pointing out weak spots and

vulnerabilities, and frowning on displays of humor or enthusiasm. Tobias

(1992). The parent can engage in subversive verbal abuse by manipulating the

child emotionally. Parental strategies for gaining compliance through

manipulation may include: pre-giving a small gift to create a sense of obligation

prior to making a demand, making promises which won't be kept, reminding


the child of a past debt in order to obtain compliance with the parent's present

wishes, or misconstruing the child's statements to the parent's advantage.

The parent may also use silence to emotionally coerce the child. The

parent may give the child the silent treatment or withhold information. The

parent may deny a historical detail or claim to have forgotten something

embarrassing. The parent may withhold affection or attention until the child

complies with her wishes. In all of these ways the parent uses coercive

communications in a psychologically intrusive way to dominate the child.

It can be expected that even an innocent child will intuitively respond to

psychologically intrusive control by employing the strategy recommended for

adults and saying, "Cut it out; you're not being fair!" However, instead of

reframing the conflict, the adult will raise the stakes and attack the child for

insubordination (back-talking). In fact, any attempts by the child to be open or

offer an explanation in response to psychological intrusion are viewed as a sign

of weakness by the verbally abusive parent. Evans (1992).

Such psychologically intrusive discipline, I believe, encourages the

development in the child of the rules of an addictive family. These rules are:

(1) be perfect, (2) play it safe, (3) stick to the script, (4) don't express your

true feelings, and (5) don't be selfish. All of these rules are unspoken, except

the rule, "don't be selfish." Washton & Boundy (1989). They all serve to bind


the emotional expression of the child to the parent and truncate the child's

individuality.

As result children who are psychologically intruded on don't know their

own uniqueness or trust their own adequacy. Barber et. ale (1994). The

parenting is unresponsive to the child's needs to be an individual. Intrusive

psychological control is linked to internalized problems in the child because of

the crippling effect such control has on the child's autonomy. These children

are likely to be passive, inhibited and over-controlled. They have learned they

have little power in their relations with others; they experience learned

helplessness. Barber et. ale (1994).

Matching the covert emotional style of their parents, children from these

psychologically intrusive families tend to turn to acting in rather than acting out

- they turn to depression, drugs or suicide to express their distress, rather than

to aggression, drugs or delinquency. Janssens (1994).

The parent using psychologically intrusive control is not behaving as a

rational adult. Consequently the content of the parent's message is irrelevant.

The emotions conveyed with it, which are destructive to the parent-child

relationship, must be addressed. And they can only be dealt with by the parent.

The parent who tends towards psychological intrusion when under stress

needs to understand that, UTrue compassion does not come from wanting to


help those less fortunate than ourselves, but from realizing our kinship with all

beings." Chodron (1994) We have to relate to our personal pain to gain the

experience, strength and courage of a warrior necessary to relate to the personal

pain of our child. We gain our strength by making friends in humor and

kindness with what we see as bad in ourselves - including the things we're

sneaky about and where we hide out. Making friends with ourselves allows us

to accept our children and their pain with compassion.

Using psychologically intrusive· discipline to solve the conflict is a way

of trying to get rid of a situation with your child that is painful for you, or

embarrassing or whatever because it touches on what you view as bad in

yourself. Instead of discipline, let your goodness communicate with your

child's goodness. Learn to share generously with your child in the moment of

conflict that which you cherish - in her, in you, in the moment. Then,

whatever of the two occurs, be patient. Chodron (1994).

B. Hostile Parents Who Don't Discipline - The Dance of the Neglectful ParentAnd The Child With Behavior Problems.

Even worse for the child's prospects for an adjusted future is a neglectful

parenting style. The neglectful parent is hostile and disengaged. The child is

left to his own devices in an antagonistic home environment. Kurdek & Finey


(1994). This parenting style presents the child with freedom, but no order.

Nelson (1981).

Over time neglectful parenting translates into a downward trajectory,

with problems in peer relationships, at school, and delinquency. Such a

downward trend observed over a two year period for 14-18 year olds is

troublesome if projected into the future. Steinberg et. al. (1994). These

children are documented to have externalized problems such as drug use,

delinquency, aggression, and sexual promiscuity. They have failed to learn the

social rules or the value of conformity. Barber et. ale (1994).

Neglectful parenting and psychologically intrusive parenting have some

similarities, despite their surface differences of under-control and over-control.

In both instances the child experiences hostile parents who are not interested in

monitoring, listening to descriptions of, discussing or giving instruction on his

daily interactions with others. In both psychologically intrusive and neglectful

families the child has little sense of who he is or how to integrate himself into

society.

One can speculate the neglected child and the psychologically intruded

upon child will express their social isolation differently. The neglected child is

under-controlled in all areas, behavior and emotional, whereas the

psychologically intruded on child is under-controlled in the area of behavior but


over-controlled emotionally. Observations support the hypothesis that these

children will express their distress differently. "Undercontrolled children

[neglected] are aggressive, acting out, externalizing, and showing conduct

disorders, whereas the overcontrolled child [psychologically intruded' upon]

tends to be inhibited, shy, anxious, and internalizing." Hagekull & Bohlin

(1994). While the emotionally intruded on child may be cautious and

controlled and the neglected child explosive and defiant, both failed to receive

as children two foundational structures from their family. They were not held

accountable for their behavior in a concrete way and they were not cared about

as persons.

The antidote to the neglectful moment of parenting is to come to grips

with where we are abandoning our children and ourselves. Four steps walk us

down this path of self discovery. First, we need to find out where we are

closing down to ourself and our child in order to open this up instead of

holding back. Second, we need to see and feel with honesty and compassion

that which is unwanted ,and rejected in ourself and our child. Third, we need to

be there for our child without withdrawing. Fourth, we can recognize there is

enormous space within which to live our lives. Chodron (1994).

Taken a step at a time, the path to undoing neglectful parenting is to first

observe where we close down ourselves and neglect the conflict with our


children. Where do we shut down, walk away, distract ourselves with some

parental duty or pleasure, or somehow zone out rather than meeting the child

with open ears and paying attention? What is that particularly creates the urge

in us to neglect the conflict and walk away? What is our characteristic

movement? In order to stop acting with neglect, we need to know what we are

ignoring and for what purpose.

Once having identified the thing we don't want to deal with, the next

step is to feel it with honesty and compassion. To simply know it in an

accepting and loving way. Instead of pushing the pain away, let it be a part of

you. It is anyway.

This acceptance allows the next step to happen: when the moment of

conflict arises, we need to stay there - with ourselves and our child - rather

than withdraw. At this point, no action is required, simply our attentive

presence.

A friend told me she found the sibling rivalry between her two sons

particularly good at twisting her stomach into knots. She tended to want to

jump in and settle the disputes over territory or toys (authoritarian style), or

walk away (neglect style). One day she discovered the middle path. Rather

than do either of her usual behaviors she just stood there as the kids fought

over a toy. She felt her pain and stood there. It occurred to her to


acknowledge the situation out loud, "I notice you two are disagreeing over who

gets to play with that toy," She still stood there, neither withdrawing nor

intervening. Soon the kids worked out an arrangement satisfactory to both.

This brings us to the last step in discarding moments of neglectful

parenting. This is to recognize that we have much more space in which to live

out our lives and seek our solutions to problems than we realize. We can

benefit from giving our problems space. Their many solutions will emerge.

C. Caring Parents Who Don't Discipline - The Dance of the IndulgentParenting Style And The Well-liked Underachiever

Parental expression of caring is often equated with indulgence. Thus to

love a child means to buy him a special treat, to grant her a privilege, or to

bend the rules to meet his request. Steinberg et ale (1994).

Parents can easily swing back and forth between over-control and

indulgence. If the parent feels guilty because of a confrontation where he

became authoritarian, he may attempt to compensate the next time with

indulgence. Then he gives up on indulgence when the child runs allover him,

and swings back to over-control.

Some parents think indulgence is the same as kindness. In fact, it may

be ruining the child. Adolescents from homes where there are few clear

boundaries experience behavior problems. Barber et. ale (1994). These kids


are oriented more towards their peers and social activities. While they have

good self reliance and self esteem, they tend to not do well in school.

Steinberg et. al. (1994). Hence I call them the well-liked underachiever.

By indulging the child, the parent is humoring weakness in the child and

in himself. The parent is passively backing off_ He knows what he wants from

the deep well of his own wisdom, and yet backs off from putting his full effort

into getting it. One form of indulgence is to show pity for the child when he is

disciplined. This teaches the child to feel justified in feeling sorry for himself.

He won't learn to take the ups and downs of life in stride. Kelly et. al. (1978).

He won't learn, "Some days are like that, even in Australia." Viorst, (1972).

Instead of avoiding conflict, when the indulgent parent exercises even a

modicum of control the results will generally be positive. As parental control

increases from a low level the child's psychosocial competence increases even

faster. The pay-off for the parent learning how to stay engaged and exercise

some control is great for the child. And presumably also for the parent. Both

moderate and high levels of control result in good adolescent self-regulation. In

fact, after a threshold, more control does not yield better results. Kurdek &

Finey (1994). Under achievement can become a lifelong habit. This

perspective should temper any tendency to indulge a child. Think for a

moment - if you were asked to parent a future responsible parent, in fact, the


parent of your grandchildren, would you do things differently? If you would,

then why is your child not receiving the benefit of this treatment - including

firm guidance?

Even strong firmness is okay. Someone needs to be the parent. Kids at

times need clear and strong boundaries. It is an act of respect and love for the

child to maintain these boundaries, to insist on them in the face of childhood

charms. Not to do so leads to confusion - the parent says something is

important, and takes no action. For the parent inclined towards indulgence,

maintaining discipline strengthens both the parent and the child.

How do we move closer to maintaining discipline in the areas where this

is uncomfortable for us? Buddhist Tonglin practice suggest an answer. In this

practice if something is painful, we move closer to the pain, breathe it in. If

something is pleasant, instead of grabbing and hiding it, we share. We breathe

out the pleasantness. Chodron (1994).

Use Tonglin practice to breathe in anything you experience as painful or

undesirable about your child. Don't resist it. Connect through it with the pain

all humans feel. Then breathe out and touch your breath as it goes, be with

your breath. Relax the pain out, give it space and sense your breath dissolving

into space. Chodron (1994). Also, if something delights you, breathe it out,


give it away, send it to everyone else. This delight is also shared by all human

beings.

To overcome the pains of being firm, making demands on your

(objecting, whining) child, the pains of disciplining, follow the Tonglin

practice. Breathe in the suffering of yourself and your child at the moment of

discipline, whatever that might be. Breathe in and move closer to your

resistance to disciplining in a certain situation. Breathe out relief to your child.

Because of the interconnectedness of all living things, what parents do

for themselves they do for others. What parents nurture and accept in

themselves at the moment of discipline benefits their child. What parents are

doing to their children, they are doing to themselves. So we can relax with our

insecurity, edginess, pain and anger. Don't give up on yourself. Instead of

armoring yourself by avoiding your painful feelings about your child, focus on

them.

D. Parents Who Discipline With Kindness - The Dance of the Leader ParentAnd The Valued Child.

Firmly guiding the child's behavior or influencing his beliefs is most

effective when it is coupled with kind-hearted acceptance of the child. When

the emotional tone of the parent hardens to hostility and the parent acts harshly

or gives up and walks away, the child's heart turns to stone. Acceptance of the

Expect No Applause - 63-

child and control of the child - together - are positively related to psychosocial

competence and peer likability. Kurdek & Finey (1994).

The leadership parenting style is one where the parent is engaged and

guides the child's behavior with a caring and accepting attitude. Kids from

these homes have the highest adjustment scores. They do the best overall: in

school, with their peers and staying out of trouble. They have good self

esteem. Steinberg (1994). Two things are needed from the parent: care and

guidance. I call such a parenting style the leadership parenting style.!

Parental caring is based on three things: (1) acceptance of the child, (2)

listening to the child, and (3) expressing affection and encouragement.

Acceptance of the child means having an affinity for the child. Affinity is a

slightly different concept from love. It means to accept another person

completely, both the good and the bad. This unconditional acceptance allows

the child to be seen for who he really is, without whitewashing over or ignoring

any part. It allows the child to exist fully in the family including his shadow

side, his problems, his quirks, his difficulties, his vulnerabilities, his ways of

becoming discouraged, his ways of failing, his rebelliousness and his stuckness.

Accepting all of this is included in having affinity for one's child. As a parent

we are in affinity when we can name each of these parts of our child without

It is referred to as the authoritative style in the literature, Steinberg et. ale (1994), or aspositive discipline, Nelson (1981).


having the urge to improve or eradicate them. Our children will meet those

challenges well enough as they mature.

Parents also show caring by listening to their children. Kind-hearted

discipline needs a two-way communication street. The parent needs to listen to

and respond to what is unique in the child. Caring thus includes the concept of

receiving direction from the child as well as giving it. Unless the parent listens

to the child, control combined with caring becomes paternalistic, "I know what

is best for you." A. Miller (1983). When the parent listens to the child, the

parent assumes the responsibility to guide, and also acknowledges the unique

situation and wisdom of the child on a moment-to-moment basis.

Caring also means parents show warmth, love, affection and

encouragement. How this is done will be as unique as what each parent is able

to give and each child is willing to receive. Another way to show caring is to

lighten up. It's no big deal. Treat each instance of discipline like a bubble.

Learn from it, touch it lightly and let it disappear into memory. Chodron

(1994).

Thus the first prong of leadership discipline is a caring approach to the

child. This means acceptance, listening and expressing affection and

encouragement.


The second prong of the leadership parenting style is. guidance. To

exercise control, the parent needs to be doing three things: (1) the parent needs

to be engaged, that is paying attention to the child, (2) the parent needs to make

clear rules for the child's behavior, in other words, make demands on the child.

If the rules are not followed, there needs to be consequences and, sometimes,

non-punitive discipline; and (3) the parent needs to be consistent. Steinberg et.

al. (1994).

How much control is appropriate is not so much the issue, as the

emotional tone underlying the control. Studies have shown that Asian

American children who come from more highly controlled (authoritarian)

homes do better in school, while Euro-American children from less controlled

(authoritative) homes do better. Steinberget. al. (1994). What accounts for

this difference? The answer lies in difference in the emotional tone and

motivation accompanying the more controlling parenting style in Asian homes.

While behavioral observations of Chinese parents may show them to be acting

in an authoritarian way, they do it from a kindly motive. Chao (1994). This

contrasts with Caucasian parents whose authoritarian actions are often

accompanied by hostility or shame. Steinberg et. al. (1994). Thus Chinese

American parents act in a more controlling authoritarian way when they place

demands on their children, expect strict obedience without negotiating, and


enforce their demands strongly, including with spanking. The doing of these

actions, however, is tempered by emotional kindness and the impact on their

children is beneficial.

The Chinese rationale for authoritarian parenting comes from two

principles of Confucianism: (1) parents are supposed to govern their children

and (2) parents are supposed to train their children to do expected behaviors.

Chao (1994). Governance and training require obedience, which is seen as

essential to society's hierarchical structure and a way of maintaining

harmonious relations. Obtaining the child's obedience is not done to dominate

the child or break her spirit, and it is not done in a hostile, rejecting or

uninvolved way. Instead obtaining obedience is done out of parental kindness,

which is synonymous with firm control of the child. Chao (1994). In

Caucasian families there is also strong agreement among parents and children

that parents need to govern their kids. Parents and adolescents have high levels

of agreement on the parental duty to make rules in nearly all areas of an

adolescent's life, including moral, safety, social conventions and friendship.

This strongly points to the need of adolescents to receive governance from their

parents, whatever their ethnic background.

The philosophical duty to govern that underlies the Chinese notion of

parental responsibility is also expressed in Western thought. Discipline means,


"to bring [a child] under control; to govern strictly; to train to habits of order

and obedience." Neilson et. ale (1944). Discipline is necessary because

children are learners of adult culture, which is seen as better and more

civilized. Thorne (1981). SOMEONE has to be the parent. Someone has to

set boundaries, and transmit the cultural and family values to the next

generation.

The governing and training of children in Chinese-American families is

done with a motive of kindness. Parents demonstrate their kindness and love

for their children by helping their children succeed. The child must be trained

to work hard and be disciplined. Good behavior in other children is pointed

out as an example. Training in self-discipline is seen by the Chinese as a

benefit to the family and society. The mother, in particular, demonstrates

personal warmth towards her children. Chao (1994). Parental kindness is

demonstrated to the children, despite the appearance of authoritarian parental

control. Thus parental control is done in a kind-hearted way. This is the

essence of a leadership parenting style.

One anomaly exists, which is that Chinese-American parents also believe

in spanking their children. Yet studies show it is detrimental to children's

adjustment. Socolar (1995). It is possible the Asian style of spanking is more

light-handed than a Westerner's. If we assume, however, the physical contact


is the same, this suggests there is a latitude in the amount of firm control that

can be appropriately exercised by a parent. In other words, possibly parents

can make authoritarian demands so long as the underlying emotional tone is'

kind. Of course, the kindness itself would seem to temper the harshness of the

authoritarian style. One might also suspect that parents may adopt a more

lenient style than the optimal leadership style, so long as parents make demands

in a kind way. These questions could be the focus of further study to

determine how much latitude parents have in exercising control when they also

express kindness towards their children..

If kindness is so important, is it ever appropriate to show anger while

engaging in discipline? Western medicine has documented anger is physically

harmful. Williams (1993). In Buddhism, displays of anger are considered

immature. Anger can, however, be intentionally displayed in a controlled way

if it is done to teach the child. The word for what is being displayed in this

context translates more accurately to "force" rather than "anger." Snow Lion

(1995). Thus force - not anger or rage - may be used to signal parental

disapproval. The use of force to teach a child does not, however, trigger a

withdrawal of affection or an expression of hostility. A show of force also

prevents the parent from giving an incongruent message, where he is feeling


angry because the child has violated the parent's rights, and yet shows the child

happiness. Thus kind-hearted parenting is honest and it is firm.

Consistency is also important. Nelson (1981). Just like plants, which

flourish in such diverse conditions as tropical islands and the Arctic Biosphere,

children flourish in many different home environments. In any particular home

environment, however, consistency is important. Even though all kids need

both shoes and a chance to run barefoot in the sun, child-rearing is not a one

size-fits-all proposition. When each parent finds a comfortable style that is

effective, the next step is consistency in implementing it.

Parents who can maintain kind hearted discipline in the presence of

distractions are well trained. In Tibetan Buddhism the slogan is, "Don't be

swayed by external circumstances." Chodron (1994). This means, whatever is

going on around you, don't vacillate. Instead, be consistent. This will benefit

parent and child.

The root word for discipline is the same as the root word for disciple.

Discipline can mean "to educate; to develop by instruction and exercise, to

teach." Neilson et. ale (1944). Disciple is "one who receive instruction from

another; a learner, esp. one who accepts the doctrines of his teacher and assists

in spreading them." Neilson et. al. (1944). In the family setting, the parent

supplies the discipline, and the child is the disciple. The parent's role in


disciplining is to teach and develop the child. The child's role is to learn the

traditions of the community. Fundamentally, disciplining is a task of

encouraging the child to understand and practice the values held by the parent,

the family, and the culture, while encouraging the child to develop her own

.umqueness.

The leadership style of discipline asks us to first care for our children in

a kind-hearted way and, second, to stay connected with them by making

demands ~pon them while remaining open to listening and accepting them. To

accomplish this we need to be clear and sharp about who we are and who they

are. Acting from these convictions, we will be able to bring small gifts of

happiness into their lives.

E. Summary Of Discipline Styles

Two parameters describe various parenting approaches to discipline.

One is the parent's demandingness or behavioral control of the child, the other

is the parent's emotional approach to the child. The interaction of these

parameters defines the four parenting styles.

Table 2

II PARENTING STYLESII


Parent's Emotional Approach To The ChildHow Demanding the

Parent is of the Child

Caring Acceptance Hostile

Demanding Leadership Authoritarian(Authoritative)

Disengaged Indulgent Neglectful

Reasonable levels of demandingness coupled with a high level of caring

acceptance yields the desirable leadership parenting style.

When control is high and hostility is high (caring acceptance is low), the

parent is using the authoritarian style. Hostility is expressed as children are

disciplined. When control is low and hostility is high, the parenting style is

neglectful. When few demands are made on the child and the parent expresses

emotional warmth and caring, the parenting style is indulgent.

In Buddhist philosophy there are three poisons, or kleshas: aggression,

ignorance and passion. We tend to use aggression towards those situations or

people who we experience as unpleasant. We tend to be ignorant of those

things about which we are neutral. We tend to crave, or have a passion for,

those things which we experience as pleasant. Chodron (1994).

In Adlerian terms, these three kleshas describe three types of

characteristic movements people can make. An individual makes three basic

moves relative to another person: move away from them, ignore them or move


towards them. Moving away from a person expresses the ldesha of aversion.

Ignoring a person expresses the klesha of ignorance. Moving towards a person

expresses the ldesha of craving. None of these movements express still another

state - which is standing still, allowing the person to be who they are, and

appreciating that.

The three kleshas or poisons offer insights into the risks of the different

styles of parental discipline. When parents feel hostile towards their child they

are experiencing the klesha of aversion. This poison may be acted out through

violence, rage, hatred, negativity or irritation. This describes the authoritarian

and neglectful styles of parenting - when we are inclined to discipline physically

or ,not discipline at all. These actions are based in a hostility or aversion for

our child at that moment.

Parents who feel hostile and use emotional discipline experience the

klesha of craving. Because the psychologically intruded upon child is so well

behaved, the parent experiences the flush of success from their discipline

efforts. This leads to a craving to continue to have the child act in this way,

not for the benefit of the child, but to show the parent as successful.

When parents care about the child and do not discipline, they are

experiencing the klesha of ignorance. They are in denial about what the child's


needs and mistakes are. They are in denial about what their own respectful

needs are.

Since at times we all experience these feelings towards our children

aversion, ignorance of their needs, or a craving to have them act in a certain

way, what are we to do? Buddhism suggests the parent embrace these kleshas.

In fact, people and situations in our lives are constantly triggering these feelings

in us - so we can walk through them to realize our compassionate nature. Like

the peacock, who eats poison to make its tail brilliant, all of these kleshas are

the riches on our spiritual path. Chodron (1994). Rather than push these

feelings away, we use Tonglin practice to breathe in the pain and then breathe

out, giving space to our problem and blessings to our child.


IV. How Is Leadership Discipline Done?

Leadership Discipline is based on a balance of parental control and

canng.

Parental control means:

(1) being engaged, paying attention to your child

(2) making rules for your child's behavior, with consequences or non

punitive punishment if the rule are not followed

(3) being consistent

Parental caring means:

(1) your child is accepted, good and bad

(2) listening to your child

(3) expressing caring, warmth, affection and encouragement

When does the need for leadership discipline arise? Generally when

there is conflict between the parent and the child. Conflict defines the edges of

relationships. It is in the areas of conflict that we all grow. Thus conflict

resolution is a critical component the parent-child relationship. The door is

open to resolving conflicts in a positive way when parents determine to resolve


parent and child conflicts by leading their children to a mutually respectful

outcome.

An examination of the characteristics of the leadership style of parenting

suggest what methods of discipline will fit this model. If the parent is to both

listen and make rules, this suggests a problem solving approach to resolving

conflicts. Further, if parents are to know how to listen to their children, then

they must know something about communication styles. Leadership discipline

can be accomplished through numerous techniques, including: (1) allowing the

natural and logical consequences of the child's actions to occur, (2) problem

solving through negotiation or mediation, and (3) non-punitive discipline

through assignment of a service or task, deprivation of a favorite object or

activity, seclusion or time-out (eg~, to extinguish antisocial attention-seeking

behaviors, or physical restraint (eg., for a child about to harm self or others}.

Thus the leadership parent can introduce a variety of conflict resolution

techniques into the family.

Parents have much to gain from learning to feel comfortable and

including their children in discipline decisions while still retaining their role as

parent. Parents can become more able to distinguish the nature of the child

before them, and receive the contribution the child is attempting to make to the

resolution of parent-child conflict. As parents and children become more


individual, we are able to become more intimate. Children have been

documented, "to engage in complex, creative, and independently generated

political, moral and philosophic thought, and to act on the basis of their

convictions in real life situations." Kurdith-Schai (1988).

A parent who does leadership discipline does the same thing as an

encouraging leader outside the home. This person will: see situations as

challenges rather than problems, identify the positive potential in every person

and situation, respect and value uniqueness and differences, communicate

recognition, treat others as equals, collaborate, cooperate, give and receive

feedback. Such an encouraged leader believes that good events have enduring

causes and difficulties or failures are temporary. Dinkmeyer & Eckstein

(1993).

Leadership parenting brings to parent-child conflict resolution several

principles of Tibetan Buddhist heart centered parenting. Parents who negotiate

with their children are practicing the slogan, "Be willing to give." In order to

negotiate parents must be willing to open up and give to the child instead of

competitively trying to keep what is most valuable for themselves. Parents who

consciously try to improve their communication style when resolving conflicts

with their children are practicing the Tibetan Buddhist slogan, " Nourish the

good." The essence of good communication is to notice the good in the child


and affirm the relationship while still standing firm for one's beliefs. These

actions nourish the good in both child and parent.

Finally, and perhaps this is the greatest challenge to implement, parents

who use non-punitive discipline have the chance to, "Feed the ghosts." When

non-punitive discipline is administered thoughtfully and when it is appropriate

for the child and the misdeed, it cannot help but bring into the child's

awareness knowledge of her unreasonableness and help her build strength in

dealing with it. Thus existing techniques for leadership parenting implement

three of the Buddhist slogans for opening our hearts and developing

compassIon.

A. Problem Solving Through Negotiation and Mediation

Problem solving is a low profile way of resolving conflict. The parent

defines discipline as negotiating with the child for a different result. The

parental stress of such negotiating can be positive for the child's development

(not to mention the parent's) when it is done in a caring way. Stressors such as

tense negotiations between parents an children may provoke positive or negative

outcomes depending on the overall level of support within the family.


When there is a genuine disagreement over expectations for the child,

negotiation skills can be brought into play. Negotiation requires individuals to

own their conflict and to engage in interest-based discussions. Such

negotiations are said to be hard on the problem, not on the people. Fisher &

Dry (1978). To facilitate this process the negotiators need to keep focused on

defining the conflict, generating possible solutions, and choosing an outcome

which reasonably meets the needs of everyone present.

Negotiating allows the creative urge of both the child and parent to come

forth in times of conflict. Thus it is important to hang in there and not give up

on the conflict too easily. Fisher & Brown (1988). Give each person space to

project their creative solutions onto the irritating grain of sand -. and a pearl

might be generated. Perhaps the conflict won't be resolved today - but a

livable truce can be reached to allow the deeper process of the conflict to

emerge.

Shutting off conflict too quickly kills creativity. It dulls and deadens the

relationship. Mush is easy; sparkle takes commitment, humor and time.

Oftentimes as negotiators we can think, "My needs conflict with hers." Instead

of thinking of our children as the opposition, consider linking parent's and

child's needs together, like assembling the different cars on a train. Thus if the

child wants a vacation that includes wilderness adventure and the parent wants


to relax and be in comfort, these might seem totally opposite and require two

different vacations . However, if the two desires are linked together, what does

one get? One possibility is a vacation to a comfortable north woods cabin

which has a staff to take the kids out on wilderness day treks.

That is only one solution. Each parent-child conflict has at least ten

creative solutions. For a conflict that is really important to either party or

both, it is worth generating the full list of ten possible solutions. The further

down the list parents get with their child, the more creative the solutions will

be, because you push beyond the initial obvious solutions. That is why it is

important to hang in there with a conflict. Affirm the ongoing importance of

your relationship, while still leaving the conflict open so you have time and

space to work out a solution that will be really satisfying. If you do this, it is

important to set specific times to work together on the problem, and not just let

it dangle. Then the really satisfying creative solutions will emerge.

Negotiation gives parents an opportunity to practice the Tibetan Buddhist

saying, "Be willing to give." The parent and child together can creatively solve

a problem when each is wiling to give to the other. Negotiation is, i.ndeed only

possible, when entered with the thought of a willingness to give. It demands of

us an openness in stating clearly what we treasure, which is another way of

giving to our children. We give to them the clear knowledge of what it is we


must have satisfied in order to feel comfortable with a negotiated result.

Reaching agreement will probably also require giving some benefits to our

child. We cannot .get to agreement by taking the attitude that, as parents, we

will keep as many of the marbles for ourselves as possible. When parents get

clear on what is really important, and free themselves to give benefits, the

creative energy needed for negotiating is let loose. The child can then pattern

his actions after the parent's and learn the process of being willing to give.

Negotiating also gives parents the opportunity to teach problem solving

skills to children in the process of disciplining. This happens when parents

initially approach their actions as a problem to be solved rather than an evil to

be punished. Teach children that problems are a common part of life. Let

them gain insight from their experiences. Teach them how to identify their

feelings, generate solutions and take time to solve the problem. Help them find

ways to stop negative actions and instead show respect for others. Kelly et. al.

(1978).

Parents can point out mistakes as being part of the learning process

what information did the child gain from the mistake? Let him make

experiments, even if you know they won't produce the desired outcome.

Children are resilient and will learn from the stress of their mistakes if you


continue to be supportive and take an inquisitive problem solving attitude with

them.

Verbal negotiations with children need not always be "nice".

Challenging negotiations in a supportive environment have a positive effect on

the child's self-reliance and self-concept. In one study teenage children were

challenged by fathers on moral issues, but this was observed to happen in a

broader context of autonomous-relatedness. This was linked to accelerated

development over the following two years. Allen et. ale (190). One

explanation is that the father's inhibiting communication behaviors may

stimulate the adolescent to develop more complex views of himself and others.

In the study the father and adolescent child were presented with a Kohlber

dilemma, such as, "Would you steal expensive medicine if it was the only way

to help a dying woman?" The father clearly stated his beliefs on the Kohlberg

dilemma and listened sensitively to his son's. The father also tried to

personalize the disagreement and pressure his son to change his views. The son

appeared both engaged and flustered. In the follow-up the son showed a

marked jump in ego development from age 14 to age 16. Thus, "some aspects

of social development may be linked to the presence of challenging, even

unpleasant, interactions within supportive environments." Allen et. al. (1994 at

p.190).


Reality therapy provides a new spin on negotiation. It has as its goal

establishing an environment where children are not afraid to evaluate their own

behavior. After previously agreeing to a family goal such as, for example,

happiness, the parent intervenes when the child is doing something contrary to

this. If a child is breaking a toy, for example, in a calm voice the parent asks,

"What are you doing now?" Out of this emerges a dialogue where the child

evaluates her own behavior. This leads to an agreement to make a plan so this

won't happen again. Mills (1995). This reality therapy approach gives some

additional techniques, but leaves out a critical step. Before approaching the

kids, the parent needs to first ask herself, "What am I doing now?" and "What

am I willing to give?" Then, having found her own center, she is in a position

to engage the child in honesty.

The parent can also fill the role of mediator. When two children are in

conflict and the parent believes it important to intervene, mediation can

provide a durable resolution of the problem. Mediation works because the two

children in conflict end up resolving the dispute themselves, rather than having

a solution imposed externally. The children learn a new skill (which saves the

parent future frustration) and they have had to invest effort in arriving at a

solution to their problem. Having made that investment, emotionally and


intellectually, the children are more likely to be satisfied with and abide by the

solution.

At a minimum the parent needs to not walk away from kids' disputes and

tell them, "Work it out." Hey, they're just kids! Give them a clue. Like,

"Can you find a way where each of you can get something you want?" Give

them some encouragement, "I have faith in you, that you can work this out

because I've observed you do it before." In the process you will gradually

teach your kids the skills of a negotiator and a peer mediator. This will happen

if you do not walk away when they do fail to immediately embrace your

proposed fair solution. Stick around, be available. And enjoy their success.

B. Use a Healthy Communication Style

~roblem solving, negotiating and mediating with children rest on a

foundation of using a healthy communication style. This means parents need to

acknowledge the feelings of their kids, listen to their kids, practice assertiveness

and nurture the relationship.

Communication styles can nurture or shred relationships. When parents

recognize the positive stroking that goes on in communication, verbally and

non-verbally, they have accessed another piece of relationship magic. While


the words exchanged between parent and child serve to deal with content of the

conflict, the. relationship is also being nurtured in many ways. This happens

when each person expresses respect and trust for the other verbally and non

verbally.

Good communication nourishes that which is good, in both parent and

child. Thus it is a tool for practicing another of the Tibetan Buddhist sayings,

"Nourish the good." Practicing good communication can be done when the

family is in harmony. Then it becomes second nature when there is conflict.

In the midst of disciplining, the parent needs to check and answer the .question,

"What am I doing now to nourish the good?" A simple touch or statement can

let the child know he is valuable and appreciated.

Instead of denying a child's feelings, help him deal with them by

acknowledging· them. Acknowledge his feelings with, "Oh .. mmm .. I see."

Don't over-comment or overwhelm the child with adult interpretations. Don't

respond with more intensity than the child has expressed. Give their feelings a

name, or see if they can. Don't repeat the child's exact words back to them

this usually annoys them. Nelson (1981).

Another way to acknowledge feelings is to give the child her wishes in

fantasy. "All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited. "

Nelson (1981). By giving your child her wishes in fantasy, the underlying


feeling is acknowledged rather than stuffed. It can be as simple as, "I wish you

had a new soccer ball right now," or as big as, "I wish you had a little brother

to play with." Using fantasy wishes is also another way to diffuse

defensiveness in a child. .If a child feels badly about something that· happened

and is reconstructing reality, inventing things she said or did, you can

acknowledge .these things in fantasy. "I wish you had' said that. .It would have

been appropriate." In this way, the child's defensiveness turns into a rehearsal

for the next similar occasion. This happens because rather than argue with the

child about what was really said or done, the parent acknowledges the

underlying feelings and wishes - in fantasy.

Effective communication also means listening to your child. We all

strive to ascertain what the thoughts and feelings are of the other person and

good listening skills help make this happen. The listening task is completed

when the other's thoughts and feelings are understood. Questions are asked and

feedback given to make this happen. In an average conversation, the listener

gazes at the speaker 62-75 % of the time, and the speaker will gazes at the

listener 38-41 % of the time. S. Miller et. ale (1991). Some kids tend to move

about and not look at an adult when listening. If your kid doesn't respond to a

request you have made or a question you asked, check out whether she heard


what you said. This process reduces uncertainty, a goal of all communication.

Many communication behaviors are accepted as okay with children but

would not be tolerated by an emotionally healthy adult. The most common

violation of the normal rules of communication is a violation of the unwritten

rules of turn-taking. Normally a conversation is balanced: each person takes

turns of about equal time in responding to the other and disclosing their

information. The most common violation of turn-taking is silence, or no

response. This behavior is practiced 68% of the time by men and 32% by

women. S. Miller et. al. (1991). So parents who want to practice good

listening can start with this simple rule of taking turns. This may result in

having the parent hang around their teenage kids more, and wait for the

conversation to happen. Interrogation by the parent violates this basic rule of

turn-taking and most likely will not result in any valuable information being

received by the parent.

Listening ·to children means observing their body language as well as

hearing their words. The child's body language may be inviting you in or

shutting you out. The body language may be congruent with what is being

said, or contradict it. Observing all of this is a part of listening. Fisher &

Scott (1988).


Good listening skills helps parents stop from transferring the ox's load to

the cow. Parents keep their boundaries clear when they practice good listening.

Hearing the child well enough to be able to verbally acknowledging his

thoughts and feelings emphasizes the separateness of the child and parent. Each

is an individual and each has their own problems in the co~flict. This

awareness is put into action by not transferring the ox's load to the cow. This

means the parent no longer holds the child responsible for modifying his

behavior to solve the parent's problem. While the genuine conflict gets worked

out, it is not at the cost of the child shouldering the parent's emotional burdens.

As a part of good communication, parents also need to practice assertive

behavior. Parents can model a willingness to express and take a stand for their

point of view - and not be intimidated by their kids. Practicing assertiveness

promotes equality by encouraging our children to also stand up for what they

believe in. It teaches that we can take actions consistent with our words and

know we have the right to do this. Alberti & Emmons (1990). Assertiveness

means saying, "No" and meaning it.

Assertive behavior is learned, not inborn. Assertiveness means being

self-expressive while also being respectful of the rights of our children. It

means having the courage to be honest, direct and firm. Assertiveness is not

universal; it is appropriate for the person and situation. Alberti & Emmons


(1990). An interesting task is to give an assertiveness inventory to yourself,

and fill one out for your child too. Then you will see where your parenting

needs improving.

Finally, good communication means that at some point the parent needs

to let go of trying to influence the child. The attempt to convince mayor may

not succeed. The child is her own person, and responsible for herself and the

outcomes of her actions. The parent can try to change what they can and lets

go of the rest. Not to do this is an act of aggression against the child, and the

risk is breaking her spirit.

C. Natural and logical consequences2

Children to learn from their experiences - both positive and negative.

Just as a parent would not step in to take the ribbon from a child who just won

a race, so the parent does not step in and do the child's homework to avert a

bad grade. These are natural and logical consequences of their actions..

Children are active scientists in the world. In order for science to work the

experimenter needs to get accurate results. While parents can play a role in

helping the child interpret the results and in thinking of another experiment that

2 The discussion of natural and logical consequences is taken mostly from Nelson'sbook, Positive Discipline.


might come closer to meeting the child's and parent's goals, they then step back

and watch the results.

A natural consequence is anything that would happen without adult

interference. If you stand in the rain, you get wet. If you forget your school

lunch, you get hungry. If you don't throw your clothes in the laundry, they

don't get washed: Natural consequences teach the child best how the world

operates.

A basic mistake parents make is to add humiliation to -natural

consequences, because they believe kids won't learn unless they suffer for their

mistakes. Humiliation is a form of verbal punishment, and puts the child into

a punishment reaction. It's a crazy idea to think that children will learn

appropriate social behavior better if they suffer. Parents will not tolerate

spanking, idiotic assignments, dunce hats and other forms of humiliation in

school to promote academic learning. Similarly, they have no place in the

home for social learning. The key underlying parental attitude in natural

consequences is respectful. The parent's intention is kindness.

Natural and logical consequences work when the child keeps a messy

desk and then can't find a permission slip for a field trip for school. They do

not work when the kid manipulates money from a friend and then gets to buy

something he wants. The natural and consequences of some actions are


sometimes immediately positive. Further, they may put the child unknowingly

into danger or be so remote that the child does not make a connection between

the action and the consequence. Thus natural consequences are not advisable

when the child is in danger, when the consequences will interfere with someone

else's rights, when they are too remote or when the child likes the

consequences. In these types of situations the parent will need to intervene and

manufacture some consequences.

A logical consequence requires the intervention of an adult. The adult

chooses and imposes a consequence to retrain the child out of the undesirable

behavior. Pick a consequence that is related to the child's behavior, is

reasonable and shows respect for the child and her stage of development.

Grunwald & McAbee (1985). One concept to keep in mind when constructing

logical consequences is, "With every privilege comes a responsibility." If

preschool children are playing in a dangerous way, the parent physically

removes them, points out the danger, and restricts their freedom. If grade

school children are playing in a dangerous area within the zone of their

permissible freedom, the parent removes them and has them make and post a

sign showing the danger for other kids. In either situation spanking is not a

logical consequence because it is not related to the child's behavior and will

most likely evoke a hostile response in the child.


Kids will test logical consequences, even if the parents have explained

them in advance. Just as kids have a desire to find out what it feels like to get

wet in the rain, they have a cu~osity to know how real the manufactured

logical consequence is. Keep your mouth shut during the test - there is no need

to explain yourself or criticize the child. Instead, stay neutral, kind and firm.

In fact, your children's behavior may temporally worsen as they -resist the

logical consequences. Hold fast, because they will swing around to a peaceful

relationship with you sooner than you might imagine. Nelson (1981)

D. Non-Punitive Forms of Discipline

Sometimes as parents we need to go beyond problem solving through

negotiation and mediation, beyond natural and logical consequences and

consider non-punitive discipline. Even when using non-punitive discipline, we

can retain healthy communications and negotiation as much as possible. Also,

before deciding what to d~ look at the situation from different perspectives.

Your first interpretation may be off base. Before acting, ask yourself, "So

what?" and "What's the worst that could happen?" Nelson (1981). If you still

conclude non-punitive discipline is the way to go, there are several alternatives.

These are: restitution, deprivation, seclusion and physical restraint. As much


as possible, the choice of any of these should be logically related to the

underlying mistake made by the child. The discipline itself should move the

child in the direction of undoing the wrong that has been done. In this respect,

even such strong discipline can be encouraging. Through non-punitive

discipline a discordant situation is acknowledged and an activity implemented

which seeks to restore peace to the community.

Non-punitive discipline provides the parent with an opportunity to

practice feeding the ghosts. By the choice of consequences, the parent can

armor the heart of the child or feed the child's ghosts. The child's actions

demonstrate her unreasonableness, her shadow. Yet, she has this shadow for a

reason. In coming to know it and deal with it, the child is strengthened

spiritually, emotionally, physically. Non-punitive discipline can help

accomplish this if it is chosen with a view towards strengthening the child

where she is weak, rather than punishing her for her weakness. Having said all

this, it is well to keep in mind the Tibetan Buddhist saying, "Don't ponder

others." Thus while parents seek to shape the discipline to strengthen the child,

it can be done without pondering on the child.

Restitution is one form of non-punitive discipline. If the child has

broken something, she may fix it or do extra chores to earn the money to

replace it (or part of it, allowing for age). A child who has spilled something


is given the task of immediately wiping it up. (If your kid is messy, keep the

rags in a conveniently accessible place.) Restitution can also involve setting

tasks. An alcoholic child can be referred for treatment as a condition of the

privilege of continuing to live with the family. If the goal of the child's

behavior is to display his or her inadequacy, restitution is effective in feeding

this ·ghost and developing strength.

Restitution teaches the child to place value on things shared by the

community. It also teaches the child to place value on her own labor. It

empowers her to repair not just the broken thing but also a broken relationship.

Thus, to feed the child's ghosts, restitution is especially appropriate when a

child has disconnected from her community or shown a lack of awareness or

consideration for others. Restitution can strengthen this weakness by giving her

concrete steps to take to repair a broken connection and to maintain the re

established relationship.

When parents implement restitution they are disciplining through both

verbal instruction and task setting. The parents explains the restitution to the

child and verbally helps him gain insight into the problem. Then, by giving the

child a task to perform the parent reinforces the teaching inherent in the

situation. For some children, whose learning style tends more towards action

(kinesthetic and social learners) rather than cognition, restitution may be the


most effective method of discipline. Such children literally need to do it in

order to learn it. Lazear (1994). No amount of lecturing, or even negotiating,

will have the same impact on these children as a task set for them which is

enforced firmly and kindly.

Often children spontaneously offer restitution. Perhaps, in some way,

they know their own ghosts. Parents, be alert and watch for this. If a child

has broken an precious object and the parent feels hurt, watch for the gentle pat

on the arm, a little joke, the unexplained loan of a favorite object, or getting

ready for school five minutes early. Watch for her to extend some form of

kindness to you - kindness she has learned from you or another adult - in an

attempt to make amends, restore the peace and demonstrate her competency.

Restitution is as natural as the thought, "If it's broke, and you care about it, fix

it." Children naturally do restitution, but they do it with their own age

appropriate set of tools.

Deprivation.is another form of non-punitive discipline. "No tv," is a

common form for this. For younger children squabbling over a toy, the toy is

taken away and put on a shelf. Parents who believe the child is influenced by

chance or the child's own character, that is parents with an external locus of

control, are more likely to use deprivation. Examples are deprivation of

material objects or privileges. Janssens (1994) (quoting Rollins & Thomas


(1979». Deprivation is an effective form of discipline if the goal of the child's

behavior is to display power over others. A carefully chosen deprivation can

feed this ghost and ease the child into a position of accepting his social equality

with all others.

Seclusion is another form of non-punitive discipline. "Go to your room"

or, "Take a time out to cool off," are types of seclusion. Having made these

statements, the parent needs to calmly ignore the child. In its more extreme

forms, a person is secluded by being ostracized from their clan to an isolated

place for a period of time. In schools seclusion takes such forms as are

suspension, expulsion and exclusion from re-enrollment. Seclusion operates

well to extinguish inappropriate attention seeking behaviors. In order to feed

the child's ghosts, rather than punish him, what happens during seclusion is

important. Seclusion needs to be positive. If the child is enjoying his time

alone, so much the better. He can rejoin the social group when he has

recovered himself emotionally and is back in balance. For example, if the child

is over-wrought, the secluded environment needs to be peaceful and calming.

Further the child needs to be encouraged to ask for this peaceful retreat next

time before the temper tantrum explodes. The parent can offer guidance by

suggesting a retreat when the storm clouds of am emotional outburst are

looming on the horizon. If the child has an inappropriately high need to be the


center of attention, the seclusion can focus on a way for the child to give that

attention to himself by, for example, tape recording a story or song. The

ghosts are numerous and as varied as our children. The challenge for us as

parents is to name them and help the child feed them.

Parents can also seclude themselves from their children. If a parent feels

she is at her limit emotionally and needs to calm down and cool off, it is

appropriate to go into a room and lock the door. In more calm situations,

many parents sleep in on one weekend morning. The kids are secluded outside

the. parental bedroom by talking about it the night before, the parents leaving a

note on the door or by family custom.

Seclusion also operates in other ways in American culture. Putting the

children at a separate table at Thanksgiving is socially acceptable, but still a

way of secluding children, because their behavior is considered inappropriate

for the adult table. The same holds for segregating family recreational

activities into adult and child. The adults watch while the kids romp on a play

structure. The kids go to daycare while the adults shop. Adults are too grown

up to participate in the children's world, and the kids are too childish to

participate in the adult world.

Physical restraint is an extreme form of non-punitive discipline. It is

rarely but sometimes acceptable. If the child is about to harm himself or


others, physical restraint is an immediate and direct response to a crisis. Thus

the parent might snatch a child off the.edge of a cliff, or grab a stick from the

hand of a child. These can be frightening experiences for the parent, so it is

important to take a moment to calm down before considering what to do next.

Then we can feed the child's ghosts: Did she act out of revenge? ignorance? Or

aggression? Or carelessness? Whatever the ghost is, the restraint chosen can

help the child become stronger for dealing with this bit of unreasonableness in

himself.

Physical restraint should never include acts of aggression against the

child, such as kicking, hitting, slapping, throwing or shoving. If the parent

tends to take these actions when feeling anger, rage or fear, there needs to be a

house rule that the parent cannot touch the child in these situations. Even the

most calm parents can find themselves surprised by strong feelings and

inappropriate actions stirred up by their children. If the no hitting rule is

broken, the parent should suffer logical consequences - which the child will

determine when everyone has calmed down. At the very least, the parent can

offer amends.

There are many ways for a parent to handle situations of conflict with

their children. It is not possible, however, to give ~ list of rules which, when

followed, will guarantee success. Discipline must ultimately be centered on the


parents' values and abilities because it is the parent who is on the scene, makes

the decisions and takes action. As parents we can learn from each other andI

share our collective wisdom, but each of us makes our own choices . We must

answer for ourselves, is this the occasion for discipline? How shall I do it?

What are my actions teaching my child about me and my values?


V. Develop Affinity and Expect No Applause

Expect no applause. We parents engage in heart-centered discipline for

ourselves. Our reward is moving closer to our own truth - and our children's.

Indeed, when after a brilliant concert the last note has drifted off, the first

reaction of the audience is a moment of awed silence. Nor do people stand a

applaud when Mother Earth closes the day with the flourish of a radiant sunset.

If we wait for applause while we are practicing heart centered discipli~ne we

become distracted from our goal. Our attention is diverted to watching for and

anticipating the applause to come. Our actions may be influenced by the

presence or lack of applause or its intensity. While we can receive with

gratitude support from our partner, our family, our children, their applause is

not the reward for opening our hearts.

Weare able to practice heart centered discipline as we develop affinity

for our children. Having affinity means accepting our children wholly, both

their good and their bad. To do this we must have our own identity and

boundaries clearly in mind. Then we may see our child - clearly and

completely. When we can accept everything we see we are in affinity with our

children.


Developing affinity for our children brings out in parents a natural

curiosity about them. Who is this child, good and bad? When I feel the urge

to discipline him or her, what part of my child am I responding to? How does

my child perceive this part of himself? What is my proposed discipline doing

to the good part of my child? To the bad part of my child? How will it affect

how he relates to these parts of himself in the future? Out of affinity comes a

wonder for the child and a deep well of appreciation for this other being.

If I accept this child in affinity as unique and different, my curiosity is

aroused to know her perspective on our conflicts. If I want to find out, I need

to not use punishment or abandonment to shut her down. What is her opinion

on what I count an action requiring discipline? What insights and wisdom does

this child bring to our conflict? In affinity I can know her, take her ideas into

account and still be firm in my role as a parent.

Ultimately, it is my responsibility to discipline this child. I am the one

who is here now. This is the moment. What shall I do? What shall I say?

Where do I look for the answers? My own heart holds the treasures I seek.

Discipline may help guide children, but only affinity can make our children

come running into our arms. We parents can be determined to stay connected

with our children in affinity - and expect no applause.


Then, whatever small virtuous merit we have gathered from our actions,

and with our hearts going out with great compassion in all directions, may the

suffering of every child disappear. Library of Tibetan Works & Archives

(1987).


Tibetan Buddhist Sayings

Historical Perspective

Expect No ApplauseThere is no escape, and no problemAbandon any hope of fruitionDon't transfer the ox's load to the cow

Four Practices For Overcoming Mistakes

Be willing to giveNarne your unreasonable actions and beliefs

Regret what you have doneNourish that which is goodExpress willingness to stay on the new path

Feed the ghostsMake an offering to your protectors

Five Strengths To Build On

DeterminationFamiliarizationSeed of virtueReproachAspiration

Encouragement

Always maintain a joyful mindLook for the seed of virtue

Authoritarian Parenting

Don't bring things to a painful pointDon't seek other's pain as the limb of your own happinessDon't try to be fastest


Don't act with a twistDon't wait in ambushWhatever of the two occurs, be patient

Neglectful Parenting

Find out where we are closing down to ourselves and our child and open upFeel with honesty that which we reject in ourselvesBe there for ourselves and our childRecognize there is enormous space within which to live our life

Indulgent Parenting

Tonglin Practice:Move closer to the pain, breath it in, and give it space when you breatheout

Share what is pleasant. Instead of grabbing and holding it, breathe itout.

Leadership Parenting

Don't be swayed by external circumstancesAlways meditate on whatever provokes resentmentDon't ponder othersIf you tighten the string too much it will snap; if you loosen it too much itwon't play


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