CONTENTSCoverTitlePageCopyrightDedicationPrefaceIntroduction

SureRulesofEngagementHowtoUseThisBook

PartI:RealityChapter1:TheChoiceChapter2:TheBossChapter3:ASingleStepInterlude1:CopingwithBullies

PartII:BeginningsAreEverythingChapter4:TheMotleyCrewChapter5:SOSChapter6:TheAllyInterlude2:ManagingtheBoss

PartIII:ComplexCharactersChapter7:MadisonChapter8:DataChapter9:UnderperformingChapter10:TheCheckin

Interlude3:LearningwithTenacityPartIV:ThePlotThickens

Chapter11:ClarityChapter12:CheckingItTwiceChapter13:Production

Interlude4:LeadingwithPurposePartV:FixorFold

Chapter14:SalesChapter15:AWarningfromMichaelChapter16:HateYourBoss?Chapter17:InSheep'sClothingChapter18:FireYourStar?Chapter19:BacktotheBossInterlude5:MoveOn?PushOut?

PartVI:TeamworkChapter20:TheGamePlan

Interlude6:ASureTourdeForcePartVII:AHappyEnding?

Chapter21:TheNewBossEpiloguetheSureRoutetoSuccess:Engagement

TheSUREPrinciples:RemembertheBasicsConclusion

TheSkillsofEngagementTutorialStop,Look,andLearnUnhookRevisetheScriptEngage—EvolveorExit

AcknowledgmentsAbouttheAuthorsIndexEndUserLicenseAgreement

ListofIllustrationsFigure1.1

Engagement

TransformingDifficultRelationshipsatWork

LeeG.Bolman

JoanV.Gallos

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Copyright©2016byLeeG.BolmanandJoanV.Gallos.Allrightsreserved.

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DEDICATIONThisbookisdedicatedtoallwhohaveknownorganizationalpainandinjusticeandwhoremaincommittedtoturningarounddestructiveworkplacedynamics.

Thetimeisalwaysrighttodowhatisright.

—MartinLutherKing

PREFACETROUBLEDRELATIONSHIPS,PEOPLEPROBLEMS,ANDproblempeopleareaubiquitouschallengeoflifeinfamilies,groups,andorganizations.Failedrelationshipsproduceangstandwastedeffort.Theyleavepeoplefeelingfrustratedandhelpless,wishingtheyknewbetterwaystorespondtoachronicsourceofdistress.Atwork,itcouldbeaproblememployee,abullyboss,oraconstantlycomplainingcoworker.Beyondwork,itmightbeamean-spiritedneighbororatroublesomerelative.We,ourstudents,andourclientsallhavestoriestotell—manyworthyofaTVmini-seriesfortheirpowerandpathos.Asauthors,educators,andscholarslong-committedtothestudyoforganizationaleffectiveness,weknowfromdeepexperiencethepowerofrelationshipsforgoodorill.Wehaveexperiencedtheexcitementandjoyofrelationshipscharacterizedbytrust,respect,support,andcaring—andhaveseenthecollaboration,growth,andproductivitytheyfoster.Wehavealsoknownthepainandmiseryofrelationshipsthatunderminebestpractices,erodeconfidence,andblockusfromdoingthethingswemostcareabout.

Inanearlierwork,weincludedachapteron“LeadingDifficultPeople,”1andmanyreaderstoldusitwasoneofthemostusefulandimportantpartsofthebook.Theyencouragedustolookdeeper,writemore,andhelpthemacquiretheskillsanddeeperunderstandingsneededtotransformdifficultrelationshipsintoproductivepartnerships.Weappreciatedtheirfeedback,andwelistened.Thisbookisforthem—andforallwhostruggletoturnarounddestructiveworkplacedynamics.

Searchtheinternetfor“badbosses,”“managingdifficultpeople,”or“peopleproblemsatwork,”andyouwillencounteranalmostendlessstreamofbooks,articles,websites,andblogs.[Weidentifysomeofthebestinournotes.]Ittakesverylittletimetoverifythisasatopicthathasgarneredanenormousamountofattention.Welearnedmuchfromstudyingtheexistingliteratureandresources—andfromsomepowerfulethnographicfieldwork—andunderstandbetterwhymanyfindexistingresourceslesshelpfulthanintended.

Toooftentheadvicefocusesonfixingwhateveriswrongwithsomeoneelse—thepersonalityflaws,obnoxiousbehavior,characterdefects,orpsychopathologythatmakesomeindividualsimpossibletoliveandworkwith.Atfirstglance,deepchangeinyourdifficultpersonmayseemliketheobvioussolution,butthatusuallyturnsouttobemissionimpossible.Fewmanagersaretrainedmentalhealthprofessionals—andeventhosewhoarelackthetime,mandate,and

healthprofessionals—andeventhosewhoarelackthetime,mandate,andplatformfromwhichtofacilitatethecomplexpersonaldevelopmentinterventionsthatwouldlikelybeneeded.Deeppersonalchangeonlycomeswhensomeonerecognizestheneedforitandcommitstoallthatittakes.

Playingamateurpsychiatristalsocourtsdisaster,leadingyoutostepintomorethanyouarepreparedtohandle.Somepersonalitytypescannotdealwiththerealityofamirrorbeingheldupbeforethem.Youmaysetoffanunanticipatedwaveofrage,aggression,andblameaimedatyouorothers.Itcanbeintellectuallysatisfyingtoconfirm,forexample,thatyouworkforaskillednarcissist2whocannotacceptdisagreement,isinterpersonallyexploitive,sucksupandpoundsdown,andlackscapacityfortrueempathy,butthatclaritymayhelplessthanyoumighthope.Itmayevenexacerbateyourstressandfeelingsofhopelessnesswhileprovidinglittleguidanceaboutwhattodobeyondrunawayasfastasyoucan.

Advicetofixsomeoneelsealsoputstheemphasisonthewrongplace.Humanbehavioralwayshappensinasocialcontext.Blamingothersorfindingascapegoatistempting,buttoooftenoversimplifiestheproblemandsteersusinthewrongdirection.Sometimesbadsystemsbringouttheworstingoodpeople,andclarifyingrolesandgroundrulescanhaveimmediateandseeminglymiraculousimpactonindividualbehavior.That'sworthremembering.

Webelieveabetterapproachemphasizesrelationships,learning,imagination,andengagement.Thatiswhatthisbookisallabout.Itoffersafour-stepmodelorganizedaroundtheacronymSURE:whenfacingadifficultpeopleproblem,youwanttofollowthesefourrulesofengagement:

Stop,look,andlearn.

Unhook.

Revisethescript.

Engageyourdifficultperson—evolveorexit.

TheSUREacronymmakesthebasicideaseasytoremember,andwehaveworkedtodistillacomplexsetofissuesintoaframeworkusefulacrossarangeofsituationsandgroundedinresearchandbestpractices.Whenskillfullyapplied,weknowitworks—empoweringyoutoseemore(andmoreclearly),embracenewoptionsforyourselfandyourorganization,andstrengthenyourconfidenceandimpact.Thefourstepsprovidearoadmaptoguideyouthroughthetwistsandturnsofchallengingrelationships.

Aroadmap,however,onlyhelpsifyouknowhowtouseit,andthat'swhereourleadershipstorycomesin.WeintroducetheSUREbasicsintheIntroduction.WethenofferauniversalleadershiptaleaboutamanagernamedVicky,enteringanewworksituationthatlooksnearlyimpossible—afailingoperation,atroubledteam,andabossfromhell.AllthatVickyfacescouldbearecipeforfailure;butsheissmart,savvy,patient,andcourageous.ThestoryallowsyoutowatchVickyatwork,seehowshethinksandusesadvicefromothers,andexploretheimpactofwhatshedoesandsays.OurleadershiptalealsoprovidesspecificexamplesofhoweachoftheSUREprinciplescanbesuccessfullyappliedacrossarangeofrelationshipdifficultiesandeverydaymanagerialchallenges.ThebookisorganizedtogobackandforthbetweenVicky'sstoryandInterludesthatilluminatekeylessonsasyougoalong.AnEpiloguesummarizesthemodel.

Wehavenotforgottentherequestfromourreaders,clients,andstudentsforskillbuildinghelpandguidance.That'swheretheSkillsofEngagementTutorialattheendofthebookcomesin.ItoffersadeeperdiveintothefoundationalinterpersonalskillsattheheartoftheSUREmodel,alongwithselectedreferencesandresourcesforfurtherstudy,andsuggestedexercisesandactivitiestostrengthenyourpeopleskills.

Read,enjoy,andlearn!Askotherstojoinyouinyourstudy.Developsupportgroupstosustainyouinchallengingtimes.Learningtoworkmoreeffectivelywithdifficultpeopleisasetofskillsthateverymanagerneedsforsuccess.Maythisvolumebeasourceofwisdom,skillbuilding,andstrengthinallyoudo.

Notes

1.LeeG.BolmanandJoanV.Gallos,ReframingAcademicLeadership.SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2011,chapter10.

2.MichaelMaccoby,NarcissisticLeaders:WhoSucceedsandWhoFails.Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPress,2007.

INTRODUCTIONTHERIMEOFTHEANCIENTMARINER1TELLSofasailorwhobearsthecurseofanalbatross—agiantseabird—wrappedaroundhisneck.Heescapesthisburdenonlywhenhebecomesmoreopentotheworldandhimself.Whenyoufindyourselfatwit'sendlookingforsomewaytocopewithadifficultpersoninyourlife,you'vemetyouralbatross.Likethemariner,cursingthebirdorbendingunderitsweightwillonlykeepyouadrift.Thewayoutbeginswithengagement:findingwaystoseemore(andmoreclearly),identifynewpossibilities,andappreciatethebenefits—eventhebeauty—inlearningtonavigatetheroughwaters.Thisdeepengagementissustainedbyacommitmenttosortoutallyouface,andconfidencethatyou'vegotwhatittakestoreachasafeharbor.

Thisbookwillhelpyoudeveloptheskillsandstrategiesyouneedtocopewithdifficultrelationships.Thinkabouthowyoucurrentlydealwiththeunusuallyprickly,taxing,ortoxicfolkswhoblockprogress,undermineyourconfidence,leavechaosintheirwake,andcauseadisproportionateshareofheadachesandsleeplessnights.Likeblackholes,thesedifficultpeoplesuckuptoomuchtimeandenergyasyou(andoftenothers)struggletoliveandworkproductivelywiththem.Theymightcomeintheformofaproblememployee,bullyboss,chronicallycomplainingcoworker,mean-spiritedassociate,Machiavellianteammate,ortroubledcolleague.Weallhavestoriestotellthatendbadlybecausewefindourselvesatourworstindealingwiththosewhogiveusthehardesttime.Howwelldidyouhandlethelastpersonwhodroveyouupawall?Didyouachievewhatyouhoped?Didtherelationshipgetbetterorworse?Wereyouabletoalterbehaviorsthatweredestructivetoindividualsandtotheorganizationsorprojectsthatyoulove?Iftheoutcomesweredisappointing,thisbookisforyou.Itwillshowyouhowtoengageyouralbatrossproductivelyandconfidently.

Thebookadvocatesthatdeeplyengagingself,other,andthesituationisthebestroutetotransformdifficultrelationships.Itdrawsfromtwobasicpremises:

1. Peoplealwayshavemoreoptionsforhandlingdifficultsituationsthantheyrecognize.

2. Thestressandfrustrationindifficultrelationshipslimittheabilitytoseeandappreciatebetterpossibilities.

Engagementleadstochoicesbeyondfightorflight!Itisalwayschallenging,but

Engagementleadstochoicesbeyondfightorflight!Itisalwayschallenging,butdeepengagementgetseasierwhenyouhaveaworkableframeworktoguideyou.

Thebookisbuiltaroundasimpleparablethatillustratesfourbasicrulesofengagementforstayingalert,grounded,andproductiveinthefaceofdifficultrelationships.Thestoryisauniversaltaleaboutlifeinanorganizationforanewmanagerwhohasinheritedagroupofchallengingcoworkersandasituationinneedofaturnaround.We'dallliketoliveandworkwithperfectpeople,butrealitydoesn'talwaysdeliverourworkorlifematestoorder.Weneedtocope—andthrive—withthedemandsofthedifferentrelationshipsandinterpersonalstylesthatcomeourway.Difficultpeoplearecostlytoorganizationsandtoxictothosearoundthem,andundoingtheirnegativeimpactcandelivermorevaluethanhiringasuperstarperformer.2Handlingdifficultpeopletakesacombinationofstrategy,confidence,determination,andskill.Thisbookofferswaystoenhancecompetenciesineachofthesekeyareas.

Ittellsthestoryofaseasonedmanager,Vicky,asshecopeswiththecastofdifficultcharactersshefindsinhernewjob,seekswaystodotheworkshe'sbeenhiredtodo,andenliststhesupportofhermentorandformerboss,Peter.Vicky'schoicesandPeter'ssuggestionsillustratebestpracticesandtheskillsneededtoimplementthem.Interludesperiodicallypunctuatethestorytoencouragereflectionandunderscorekeylessonsforputtingthefourrulesofengagementintopractice.WeclosethebookwithaSkillsofEngagementTutorialsectionforthosewhowantmorehow-toinstructiononchallengingfundamentalslikeskilledcandor,mobilizinghealthysupport,givingandreceivingfeedback,testing,highqualityinquiry,generatingoptionsunderduress,andenhancingresilience.

Ourstoryissetinaworkplace,butyoucanapplyitsteachingswhereveryouneedthem.Atitscore,solvingdifficultpeopleproblemsinvolvesaninformedapproachforknowingwhenandhowtofixorfold—investinmakingthingsbetterorrecognizeitistimeforsomeonetomoveon.Thisbookshowsyouhow.

Ourapproachisdifferentfrommanyotherhow-tobooksonthetopicthataskreaderstobecomeamateurpsychologistsinordertodiagnosewhichsyndromeorpsychopathologytheyareencounteringinabossorcoworker.Iss/heaparanoidoranobsessive-compulsive?Anarcissistorahistrionic?Anexploderorastaller?Asniperoraknow-it-all?Weseeseveralproblemswiththatwayofframingtheissue.

Itcanleadyoutomakesuperficialorwrongjudgmentsabouttroublesomepeople,labelingtheminsteadofdoingrealdiagnosticworkaboutthefull

people,labelingtheminsteadofdoingrealdiagnosticworkaboutthefullsituation.Second,thatapproachtypicallyleadstoadiagnosisthatcannotbeshared.Ifyoubelievethatsomeoneis,say,aparanoid,youwilllikelykeepthatdiagnosistoyourself,soitbecomesundiscussableanduntestable.Finally,thatwayofframingtheissuereinforcesthecomfortableassumptionthatproblemslieinsomethingwrongwithsomeoneelse.Thatmakesiteasytofeel,“I'mOKanddon'tneedtochange;Ijustneedtofindawaytoshapeuptheother.”Thatpathleadstofrustrationanddisappointmentmoreoftenthannot.

FollowingHarryStackSullivan'sargumentthatpersonalitymanifestsitselfonlyininterpersonalrelationships,3webelieveitismorefruitfultoseepeopleproblemsasembeddedinsocialinteractions.Thatchangesthequestionfrom“howdoIchangetheotherperson?”to“howcanIchangewhatIdoorunderstandinhopeofimprovingourrelationship?”Ourapproachfocusesonacompactsetofguidelinesdesignedtoproducelearningandimprovementacrossabroadrangeofdysfunctionalrelationships.

SureRulesofEngagementWehavebuiltthebookaroundfourrulesforfixingbadsituationscapturedintheacronymSURE.Therulesarelaidouttobeeasytoremember—arequirementforusefulknowledge.Theyarealsodeepandbroadenoughtoprovidehelpfulguidanceformostofthedifficultpeopleproblemsyou'relikelytoencounter.Allaregroundedinresearchandbestpracticessoweknowthat,whenappliedskillfully,theywork.Weintroducetherulesinthisintroduction.Inlatersections,wedelvedeeperintoeachandshowhowtousethemskillfullytohandlespecificworkplacechallengessuchasmanagingyourboss,copingwithbullies,learningwithtenacity,orleadingadiverseteam.WereturntoprobeandfurtherexplorebasicbuildingblocksoftherulesinourSkillsofEngagementTutorialinthebook'sfinalsection.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn

Afirststepintacklingdifficultpeopleproblemsistostopandidentifywaystoharnessyourstrongestproblem-solvingself.Thatmeansquietingtheinneremotionalturmoilandunproductiverestlessness4thatnaturallyariseinchallengingorstressfulsituations.Neuroscienceremindsusthatthehumanmindnaturallydefaultstorehashingthepastandworryingaboutthefuture,especiallywhenthingsgettough:ourinnerdialoguesreflectthespecialstickingpowerofnegativethoughts.Tobeatyourproblem-solvingbest,quellingthefeverishfiringofneuronsinsomepartsofthebrainmaybeasimportantasdeliberatelyactivatingothers.5

Difficultpeoplealsotriggerimpulsiveresponses.Theyremindyouofsomepastwrong,threat,orfailure.Survivalinstinctskickinandcloudthedeepandclearthinkingyouneed.Theresult:youleapbeforeyoulook,typicallyblamingyouralbatrossanddefaultingtoeitherfightorflight.Youcanfindbetteroptionswhenyoutaketimetounderstandthesituationathand.Aquietmindgetsyouthere.

Peoplearedifficultbecausetheypushyourbuttonsandgenerateatoxicstewofemotionslikeanger,fear,shame,regret,sadness,guilt,powerlessness,oranxiety.Actingtoexpressorrepressthefeelingshasastrongpull,andisalsoaroutetobadresults.Itismuchbettertostop,acknowledgeandacceptthepoweroftheimpulses,andtaketimetoseewhatyou'reupagainst.You'llwanttolookandlearnaboutfourthings:(1)

individuals(whoisinvolvedandwhat'shappeningforeachpersonwhomaybecontributingtothisproblem?);(2)thegroup(howaredynamicsandinteractionsamongmembersofagroupcreatingorfuelingtheproblem?);(3)thesystem(what'sgoingonaroundyouinthelargerorganizationalenvironmenttohelpcreateandsustainthisproblem?);and(4)yourself(what'syourresponse,andhowdoyouunderstandit?).

Thisfour-partdiagnosisisvital.Youmayotherwisetrytosolveeitherthewrongproblemortherightproblematthewronglevel.Youmightfocusonsurfacedisagreement,forexample,whentherealissuesarewellhiddenbeneath.Youmaypointthefingerofblameatanindividualonlytorecognizetoolatethattheproblemliesinthesituationratherthantheperson.Youmayseedysfunctionalgroupdynamicsastheculpritandfailtoappreciatetheimpactofabullybosswhohaseveryonescurryingtomeether“mywayorthehighway”demands.

Multileveldiagnosismaysounddaunting.It'seasierifyoutakeitonelevelatatime.Startbylookingatthekeyindividuals.Whatdoyouneedtounderstandabouteachofthem,includingtheirhistory,performance,skills,needs,styles,andinterests?Whenyoubelieveyouhavethepicturethere,moveontothinkingaboutthegroup.Askyourself:Whatinterpersonalandgroupdynamicsaresustainingthecurrentsituation?Howwelldoeseveryoneseeandunderstandthesedynamics?Thenmovetothesystemslevel:Whatlargersituationalissues,organizationalhistory,andenvironmentalpressuresneedtobeunderstoodandaddressedsoastomakeprogress?

Lookingoutwardandaroundyouisessentialinthisprocess.Soislookinginthemirror.Arelationshipisadanceinwhichbothpartnerscontribute.Aschildren,welearnedtoassignblameforeverybrokentoy,stainedcarpet,orcryingsibling;andit'seasyintheheatofsolvingdifficultpeopleproblemstofallbackonwhatweknow.It'salsoasimplewaytoexplainanythingthatgoeswrong,andittellsusclearlywhattodonext—correct,punish,orexiletheguilty.Butifyouareapartoftheproblem,tossingalltheblameonsomeoneelsewon'taccomplishmuch.Diagnosisrequiresanhonestassessmentofyourself.Whatbuttonsdoesthispersonpushinyou?Areyourresponsesmakingthingsbetterorworse?Isthisindividualbringingoutsomeoftheworstinyou?Howcome?Whatcanyoudoaboutthat?Understandingwhereyoustandpreparesyoutotacklethenextruleofengagement:unhook!

2. Unhook

Difficultpeoplehookyou.That'swhatmakesthemdifficult.Theytriggerafloodoftoxicemotionsthatmakesitmorelikelythatyou'llbeatyourworstratherthanyourbest.Itishardtomusterclarityofthoughtandhopewhenarelationshiptaxesyourenergyandfeelslikeanendlessbog.Butfeelingstuckinapainfulsituationdoesn'tmeanyouhavetostaystuck.

Youcangethookedbydifferentpeopleatdifferenttimesfordifferentreasons—andmaynotevenrecognizewhat'shappeningtoyou.Difficultpeoplemayraiseunresolvedearlylifeissuesordredgeupapastsituationthattriggersautomaticfeelingsandscriptsfromlongago.Theymaybehaveinwaysthatruncountertoyourcorevaluesorrequireresponsesthatstrainyourcurrentskillset.Theymaypushemotionalbuttonsyoudidn'tknowyouhad.Whateverthereason,ifyoustayhooked,you'llkeepdiggingyourselfdeeperintoanemotionalhole.That'swhatmakesstrategiesforunhookingvital.Youneedtoknowhowtoharnesstherationalpartofyourbraintocalmyourautomaticphysiologicalandemotionalreactions.Regainingyoursenseofself-controlsupportstheconfidenceandgritthathelpyouseemoreclearly,strategizeeffectively,andmakegoodchoices.

Atitssimplest,unhookingisafour-stepprocess.First,youneedtorecognizethatyou'regettinghooked.Second,youneedtounderstandthesituationalpatternandyourtriggers:whathastheotherpersondone(andinwhatcircumstances)thathashookedyou?Third,youneedtoidentifythestoryyoutellyourselfaboutthosekindsofsituationsandwhatthatstoryleadsyoutodoandfeel.Fourth,youneedtocalmyourbody,mind,andheart;replaceirrationalandexaggeratedassessmentswithmorerealisticthoughts;andchangehowyouarereactingtotheemotionallyupsettingcircumstances.Practiceslikedeepbreathing,exercise,relaxationtechniques,practicingthevirtuesofgratitudeandacceptance,andjoyfulattentiontraininghelp.6Theybolstermentalstrength7andenablebettercontroloveryouremotions,thoughts,andbehaviors.Onceyou'vemasteredthat,you'rereadytomoveontothenextstep:revisethescript.

3. RevisetheScript

Clear,deep,andcalmthinkingsupportsyourabilitytowriteanewstorythatoffersadifferentapproachtoyourdifficultperson.Withanewscript,youcandevelopandrehearsealternativeresponsesthathelpyoutrynewbehaviors,setboundaries,communicatemoredirectly,andstayontask.

Youmaybeabletoidentifymanagementtools(likejobdescriptions,contracts,orcompanypolicies)thatcandepersonalizechallengesinthesituation.8Inthesamewaythatprofessionalmusicianspracticeforhourssothatmusclememorycarriesthemthroughmomentsofforgetfulnessorstagefright—andbuildstheirconfidencesothattheywon'tbeshakenifeitherhappens—rehearsingandpreparingalternativeresponsestodifficultpeopleincreaseyourchancesofstayinggrounded.Neuroscienceconfirmsthatrepetitionreorganizesthebrain—akeyfortransformingnewlearningintoexpertise.Inalaterchapter,we'llsaymoreabouthowthisprocessworks.

Ifyoucanchangeyourscriptandapproach,yourdifficultpersonmaychangeaswell.Ifyoufindaroadclosedonyourwaytowork,youwilllookforanotherroute.Youmaygetannoyedandharbordarkthoughtsaboutthehighwaydepartment,butyou'llfindanewroad.Inthesameway,ifyouchangeyouractions,yourdifficultpeoplemayfindthattheiroldroutedoesn'tseemtoworkaswellanymore.Theywillusuallytrytoadjust.Theywilllearn.Ifnot,youhavelearnedsomethingimportantaboutthem.Theymaylacktheabilityormotivationtochange.Ortheymayhavepsychologicalorotherissuesthatcan'tbesolvedshortofprofessionalintervention.

TheSUREmodelbeginswithfindingwaystoincreaseyouragency,understanding,andcapabilities.Itdoesnotsetouttofixsomeoneelse.Tryingtoforceotherstochangeisarecipeforfrustration,fights,andfailure.Butifyouareclearandgrounded,doyourdiagnosticdiligence,andasksomethingdifferentoftheminreturn,theymayadapt.Youmayhelpdifficultothersseebetteroptionssothattheirapproachestoworkandlifebringthem—andyou—moresuccessandsatisfaction.Thegoaliswin-win.Theybreakoutofunproductiverutswhileyouexpandyourleadershipskills,personalresilience,andimpact.

Whenwesaypeoplearedifficult,wetendtothinkofthemasannoyingandunpleasanttobearound—thekindofpeopleRobertSuttondescribesinTheNoAssholeRule.9Youcanrecognizeoneofthosefolks,Suttonsays,usingtwoclues:(1)youfeelworseafterspendingtimewiththeperson,and(2)theindividualsucksuptobosseswhileabusingsubordinates.It'snaturaltowanttoavoidpeoplelikethat,andSutton'sbasicadviceis,“Don'thiretheminthefirstplace.”Butifthey'realreadynextdoorordownthehall,or,evenworse,you'reworkingforone,youneedtoknowwhattodo.Thisbookteachesyouthat.

4. EngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit

Difficultpeoplealwayspresentatoughchoice.Oneoptionistoinvestandengagewiththem:workdeeplyandearnestlytounderstand,repair,andstrengthenthebrokensituation,enhancingeveryone'sabilitytolearnnewwaystoworkbettertogether.Anotheristogiveup.Fixorfold?Engageorexit?

Howdoyoudecidewhetherit'sworththetimeandenergy?Howdoyouknowifrepairisevenpossible?Noteveryrelationshipworks—andnoteveryonecansucceedineverysituation.It'smercifulforallnottoprolongsharedmisery.Youareaheadofthegamewhenyouhaveclearrulesfordeterminingwhenitmakessensetocontinuetoengage,howtoassessifthingsareevolvinginproductiveandpositiveways,andwhenit'stimeforseparation.Rulesofengagement1,2,and3getyoustartedontherighttrack.We'llprobeotherfactorsthatcaninformyourdecisionandwhattodointhefaceofunevenpowerdynamicsasthebook'sleadershipstoryunfolds.

Figure1.1SURE:FourRulesofEngagement

HowtoUseThisBookWehavechosentopresentourSURErulesofengagementthroughaleadershipfablewithinterludesandanepiloguethatunderscorelessonsandkeypointsinthestory.Storytellinghaslongbeenavehicleforreflectingonhumannatureandthechoicespeoplemakeinrespondingtolife'schallenges.Storytellerspaintaworldofactionwithwords.Asyousavortheirdescriptions,youslowlifedown:studyit,thinkaboutyourreactions,compareyoursolutionswithothers,andvieweventsthroughmultipleperspectives—yourown,thewriter's,andthecharactersinthestory.

Werecommendathoughtfulanddeliberateread.Asisalwaysthecaseinhumanaffairs,muchishappeningineachshortexchange.Asyouread,compareyourthinkingandactionstothecharactersinthestory.Youmaysometimesseethecharactersmakingmistakesthatseemalltoofamiliar.Atothertimes,theirsuccessesmaysuggestnewpossibilitiesforexpandingyouroptionsandbecomingabetterleaderorcollaborator.Thebook'spowerandimpactdependonyourabilitytoreflectontheissuesandtouseitsstorytobetterunderstandyourself,respondmoreeffectivelyinyourworkplace,andhandlechallengesinwaysthatbringoutthebestinyouandothers.

Thinkabouthowyouwanttoapproachthebookandhowyouliketolearn.Thereareatleasttwopaths:straightthrough,orstoryfirst,theninterludesandlessons.Ifyoureadthebookstraightthrough,theperiodicinterludesofferscheduledbreaksintheactionforreflectionandemphasis.Thisapproachletsyoucuttothechaseandfocusonthebottomline—whatyoucanlearnfromthisbook.You'lldigestnewideasasyougoandseehowtheyplayoutoverthecourseofthestory.

Asecondapproachistoreadthestoryitselffirst:skiptheinterludes,followthestoryline,anddrawyourownlessons.Youcanreflectonwhatyouseeasmostimportant,howwellyouthinkVickyandothershandledthings,andwhateachofthemcouldhavedonedifferently.Thisstrategykeepsyoufocusedonyou—yourthinking,reactions,understandings,andinterpretations.

Ifyouchoosethisapproach,youmaywanttotakenotesasyouread—whatyouseeasmostimportant,howyoufeelabouteachofthedifferentcharacters,howyoumighthaverespondedifyouwereintheirshoes,howwellyouthinkourfictionalmanagerishandlingthings,whatyouseeasherstrengths,howsheuseshermentor,whatyouthinkabouthisadvice,andsoon.Then,readthesix

interludes.Youcanthencompareyourobservationsandreactionstotheissuesandstrategieswesuggestandseewhereweexpandyourthinking—oryou,ours.TheSkillsofEngagementsectionbecomesahandyreferencefordiggingdeeperintothesuggestedactionsandstrategiesforsuccess.

There'snoonerightwaytolearnfromthisbook.Whicheverapproachyouchoose,youcanbenefitfromreadingitmorethanonce.There'salotpackedintoeachsceneandexchangeamongthecharacters.Taketimetoabsorbitall.Thinkaboutwhatyouseereallyhappeningandwhatyoumakeofit.Noticethecharactersorconversationsthatmakeyoumostcomfortableoruncomfortable.Thinkabouttimeswhenyouhavebeeninsimilarsituationsandreflectonhowyouhandledthem.Compareyourchoicestowhatyouseethecharactersdoing—anddecidewhatyouwilldodifferentlyinthefutureasaresult.

Read.Reflect.Engagetheideas.Reread.Newknowledgeisonlyasgoodasyourabilitytouseit.Findnewinsightsintolifeandworksituationsthatpushyourbuttons.Createnewresponsesandstrategiesforyourself,andtrythemoutatworkorhome.Keeppracticingthesuccessfulones.Talkwithothersaboutyournewplans—andaboutthebookandwhatyouarelearningfromit.Findwaystogetsupportfromothersasyouworktoexpandyourrelationshipskillsandhonestfeedbackonhowyouaredoing.Youwillbuildyourconfidenceandyourcapabilitiestohandlethefullrangeofdifficultpeoplewhocomeyourway,andmodelaproactivewayoflearninghowtodealmoreeffectivelywiththeinevitablestressesoflivingandworkinginanincreasinglycomplexanddiverseworld.

Notes

1.SamuelTaylorColeridge,TheRimeoftheAncientMariner(ThePoetryFoundation,1834).www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173253.AccessedOctober4,2015.

2.MichaelHousmanandDylanMinor,ToxicWorkers(HBSworkingpaper16–057,November2015)(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchool,2015).Theauthorsstudiedmorethan50,000workersacross11differentfirmsandconcludedthattoxicworkersareexpensiveanddestructive.Theirimpactrunsthegamutfrompotentiallegalorregulatorycostsforacompanytomorelocalimpact,suchasdecliningunitandorganizationalmorale,damagetoafirm'sreputation,anddrivingotherstoleavetheorganizationfasterandmorefrequently,therebyincreasingtrainingandturnovercosts,andlossofvitalinstitutionalhistoryandexperience.

3.HarryStackSullivan,TheInterpersonalTheoryofPsychiatry.NewYork:Norton,1953.

4.MatthewA.KillingsworthandDanielT.Gilbert,“AWanderingMindIsanUnhappyMind,”Science330,no.6006(November12,2010):932.[DOI:10.1126/science.1192439].

5.RandyL.Bucknew,“TheSerendipitousDiscoveryoftheBrain'sDefaultNetwork,”Neuroimage62(2012):11–37.

6.AmitSood,TheMayoClinicGuidetoStress-FreeLiving(Philadelphia:DaCapoPress,2013),2–12.Sooddistinguishesruminations(repetitive,undirectedthoughtsaboutthepastthattriggerstressandnegativeemotions)fromworries(similar,unhelpful,andautomaticthoughtsaboutthefuture).Bothpredisposethebraintodepression,anddepressionmakesithardertostopfurtherruminationsandworriesortoengageinproductiveandadaptivethinking.

7.AmyMorin,13ThingsMentallyStrongPeopleDo:TakeBackYourPower,EmbraceChange,FaceYourFears,andTrainYourBrainforHappinessandSuccess(NewYork:HarperCollins,2014).

8.KatherineCrowleyandKathiElster,WorkingwithYouIsKillingMe(NewYork:WarnerBusinessBooks,2006).Asummaryversionoftheauthors'

modelisavailableathttp://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=1796805&page=1.

9.RobertSutton,TheNoAssholeRule:BuildingaCivilizedWorkplaceandSurvivingOneThatIsn't(NewYork:BusinessPlus/HachetteBookGroup,2010).

PARTIREALITY

1THECHOICEVICKYSATATHERDESK.Sheopenedthebluefolderandreviewedtheinformationandnumbersonemoretime.Sherereadhernotesfromphonecallswithcolleagues.

I'veseenthedata.Knowthehistory.Heardplentyabouttheplayers.AmIcrazytosayyestothis?sheaskedherself.Shetookadeepbreathandenjoyedalong,slowexhale.AmIkiddingmyselftothinkIcanturnthisaround?

She'dbeenthinkinghardsincetheofferonTuesday.I'malwaysupforachallenge,andthiscertainlycountsasone,shethought.Shesurprisedherselfwhenshechuckledoutloud.

Vickystaredatthephoneonherdesk.He'sneversteeredmewrongbefore.Shepickedupthereceiveranddialed.Sheexpectedvoicemail,butheanswered.

“Peter?”

“Vicky?Hey,what'sup?”

“They'veofferedmetheopeninginDallas,workingforMichael.”

“And?”

“Itfeelslikeasinkhole.Thelasttwopeoplefailed.Theysayhe'simpossibletoworkfor.”

“It'sanopportunity.”

“Forwhat?Atrainwreck?”

“Forprovingyou'reevenbetterthantheythink.Slayingadragonisagreatwaytobuildareputation.”

“Ifthedragondoesn'tgetyoufirst.Thisisatoughone,Peter.”

“Didyougetthisfarbyplayingitsafe?”

“No,butnotbybeingstupid,either.”

“I'venevertakenajobthatdidn'tscareme.ThatmeansIhadtolearnfastandstayalerttosurvive.”

Vickylethiswordssinkin.Peterbrokethesilence.

“Theythinkyoucandoit,Vicky.AndifIwereabettingman,I'dputmymoneyonyou.You'lllearnalot.ThatIguarantee.”

“You'rewillingtofieldplaintivecriesforhelp?”

“Always.MorefunthanalotofthingsIdo.Andwhenyoudowell,itmakesmelookgood.”

“There'sanothersidetothatcoin,youknow.”

“That'swhyI'llbehereifyouneedme.”

2THEBOSS“SOTHEYPUTYOUINthejob?Droppedrightatmydoorstep.Well,Iamsurprised.Onsomebody'shotlist?”Histonewascool,yetmenacing.“Weneededsomeonewithexperience.Someonewhoknowssomethingaboutourproducts.”

“I'mplanningtolearn.IhopeIcandependonyou,”Vickyresponded,calmlyworkingtodeflectMichael'stoneandcriticism.

“You'dbetterlearnfast.Thatoperationistheweaklinkinmydivision,andIhateweaklinks.IfIdidn'thavesomuchonmyplate,I'dhavefixeditmyselfalongtimeago.Sogetitfixed.Fast!”

“I'veheardthereareproblems.Thelasttwopeopleinthejobdidn'tmakeit,eh?Whatwentwrong?”Shesmiled,knowinghemightnotlikethatdirectquestion.IfMichaelismydragon,Vickythought,betterlethimknowI'mnotscared—yet.

Michaelfrownedandpaused.HestaredatVicky.Shewaited:shouldersrelaxedanddown,smilingpleasantly.

“IfIgetintothat,I'llhavethosebansheesinHRbreathingdownmyneck.Ihavenopatienceforlosers.Solet'sjustsaytheydidn'tworkoutandyou'llhavetodomuch,muchbetter.”

“I'mconfidentIcanwithyourhelp.”

“Oh,you'llneedhelp,allright.”

Vickycouldfeelherselfgrowingtenseandtookaquickmomenttoletthatgo.ShewasexpectingthatherfirstconversationwithMichaelwouldbechallenging,buttheintensityofthedragon'sflameswasstillasurprise.ShetampeddowntheimpulsetotellMichaelthathewasactinglikeathug,thateverybadthingshehadheardabouthimmustbetrue,andthatCorporatewasprobablyrightinwonderingifhewasabigpartoftheproblem.Shetookadeepbreathinsteadandstartedagain.

“WhatcanyoutellmeabouttheteamI'minheriting,Michael?”

“Team?Morelikeamotleycrew.Badattitudes.Bigegos.Hiringmistakes.Someof'emshouldhavebeenfiredlongago.Figureouthowtofixthat.Andjustmakesureyoumakeyournumbers.”

justmakesureyoumakeyournumbers.”

“I'mscheduledtomeetwiththemthisafternoon.Canyoucomeandintroduceme?”

“Can't.I'mbooked.Buttheyreporttoyou.They'llfigureoutfastwhoyouare.”

“Fairenough.”AnimageflashedacrossVicky'smind.Shewasdrowning.Michaelwasthelifeguard.Hewasstaringrightatherandignoringhercries.Sheputthataside.“Seeyoutomorrow?”

“I'mbookedsolidforthenextfewdaysorso.I'llhaveSandysetupameetingwhenI'mmoreopennextweek.”

“Okay.Seeyouthen.”

3ASINGLESTEPVICKYWASCAREFULTOSMILEandwalkconfidentlyassheheadedbacktoheroffice.SheknewothersmightbewatchingforsignsthatMichaelhadneededonlyonemeetingtoworkhisdarkmagic.Sheenteredherofficeanddeliberatelyleftthedooropen.

Shesatatherdeskandturnedtohercomputer.ShebegantomakenotesonthemeetingwithMichael.NowIknowwhyMichaelisalegend,shethought.Butitcouldhavebeenworse.

Vickycontinuedjottingdownherrecollectionsofthemeeting.Iwantarecordeventhoughit'sameetingIwouldn'tmindforgetting.

AsVickywrote,shefeltgoodaboutonepatternshewasalreadyseeing.HerquestionshadworkedwellasacountertoMichael'sprovocations.Let'skeepthatintheplaybook,shetoldherself.Shethenthoughtaboutthestressandturmoilshehadfelt.He'snotgoingtomakethiseasy.

Shepaused,andletawaveofdiscouragementpass.Well,astheysay,withallthismanure,theremustbeaponysomewhere.Ijusthavetokeeplooking.

Vickywasabouttopresssave,butstopped.Onemorethoughtcametoher,andshetypedaChineseproverb:thejourneyofathousandmilesbeginswithasinglestep.Vickysavedherfileandturnedtohere-mail.

INTERLUDE1COPINGWITHBULLIESWELEARNFROMVICKY'SCALLTOPETERthatshehassomeoftherightstuffforasuccessfulmanagementcareer:shedoesherhomework,she'sthoughtfulaboutcareerdecisions,shehasdevelopedandmaintainsstrongnetworksandworkplacerelationships,andshe'swillingtoaskforhelp.She'stappedhercolleaguestoresearchtheDallasjobandseesthatitcouldbeasetupforfailure.Sherecognizesthatthecompany'sofferisamixedbag,hasdoneherbesttothinkthroughallsheknows,andtestsherjudgmentwithatrustedmentor.SeniorleadershipwantshertostepuptotheplateinDallas,andshewantstomaketherightcareerchoice.Shecanconfirmthatshe'sateamplayerbyacceptingthechallenge,butitwon'thelpherorthecompanyifshestrikesout.WithPeter'sencouragementandpromiseofsupport,sheconcludestheopportunitiesoutweightherisks.

Vicky'sfirstmeetingwithMichaelremindsherofjusthowhardthechallengeswillbe.HerimageofdrowningwhileMichaelignoreshercriescapturesherfearsanddisappointmentinabosswhoseemswillingtolethersink—oreventhrowhertothesharks.Michaelisaclassicbully,andbulliesareanightmareforeveryonearoundthem.It'seventougherwhenthebullyistheboss.HowcanVickycopewithMichaelandmovetherelationshipontomorepositiveandproductiveground?

Bulliesrepresentagrowingandtroublingworkplacephenomenon.1ExamininghowVickyhandlesherinitialencounterwithMichaelprovidesapowerfulexampleofhowtherulesofengagementcanhelpinthetoughestchallenges.Italsoenablesyoutodeepenyourunderstandingofhowtoputeachruletouse.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:AvoidtheObstacles

VickycomespreparedtoherfirstmeetingwithMichaelwithabasicstrategyofstop,look,andlearn.She'sdoneenoughhomeworktohavethoughtsonwhatmightbehappeninginDallas,butit'stooearlytolockintoadiagnosisorassumethatsheunderstandsitall.Vicky'splanistoaskquestionsandlearnmore.EvenwhenMichaelchallengesher,sheworkstostayopentolearning.VickyunderstandsthatsheneedsMichaelasanally.He'stheboss;andhehasinformation,access,andresourcesthatsheneeds.Shesoonlearnsthatbuildinganopenrelationshipwithhimwillnotbeeasy,andthatitwillbearoughroadifshehastowadethroughanendlessstream

andthatitwillbearoughroadifshehastowadethroughanendlessstreamofMichael'stoxicity.Hisout-of-the-gatehostilitysurprisesher,andsheisnowbetterpreparedshoulditsurfaceagain.

Italsohelpstorememberthatbulliesareofteninsecure,unhappypeoplewhosebarkmaybeworsethantheirbite.Thatisatestableproposition.Itiseasiertoseetheimportanceoftestingandtohavepatienceandcompassionwhenyouseesomeoneasavulnerableortroubledcolleagueratherthananobnoxiousthug.Vickyneedstostayopen.ItisearlyinherrelationshipwithMichael,andthingsmightimproveastheybecomemorecomfortablewitheachother.

ButVickyalsoneedstostayalert.Bulliescanmistakeempathyandpatienceforweaknessorsubmissiveness—andnothingfuelsabullymorethanaweakorsubmissivetarget,especiallybullieswhohavesucceededwithathugstrategyinthepastandbeenallowedtogetawaywithitbytheirbossororganizationalculture.Researchtellsusthatpeoplewithprosocialorientations—thosefocusedonunderstanding,learning,helping,seeingthebestinothers,makingcontributionstoalargergood—aremostatriskofbecomingtargets.2

InformedcompassionneedstobeVicky'smantragoingforward:assumethebestuntilconsistentdataconfirmsotherwise.HertensioninherinitialexchangewithMichaelisfunctional.Itsignalsaneedtoremainvigilant,andthattheriskofsayingordoingthewrongthingmaybehighinthisrelationship.VickyshowsskillinattendingtoMichael'scuesandbeingreadytoshiftstrategiesanddirectionsifnecessary.Shemakesproductiveuseofherstressbyweddingmindfulnesswithrelaxationtechniques—aprovenstrategyforbuildingresilienceandpsychicstrength.3Acentralriskinworkingwithdifficultpeople,especiallybullies,isthatemotionswilltakeoverandleadtoineffectiveorimpulsiveaction.

2. Unhook:KnowtheSigns

WeknowfromVicky'scalltoPeterthatshelookedcarefullyattheDallasassignmentbeforeagreeingtotakeiton.Shewiselysoughtcounselfromatrustedmentortogethisperspectiveonwhetherherexperiencesandskillspositionedhertosucceedinthechallengingjob.TheconversationhelpedVickyconfirmherstrengthsandsupportbase,andenteratoughsituationgroundedandinformed.ThatmadeiteasierforhernottogethookedbyMichael'searlyprovocations.

MichaelgreetedVickywithamessagedesignedtodeflateandintimidate:you'reunqualified,you'relikelytofail,andyouwon'tgetmuchhelpfromme.Thisisclassicbullybehavior:attack,threaten,andhumiliateotherssoastofrightenthemandthrowthemoffbalance.Workplacebullyingtakestheformofactsofcommissionoromission.4Inoneshortexchange,Michaeldoesboth—asignthathehasplayedthisgamebeforeandithasworkedforhim.

Bullybehaviorisbothintimidatingandinfuriating.Itsetsupadilemmabetweenfightandflight.It'stemptingtobackoffandletthebullyhavehisorherwaytoavoidanunpleasantbattle.That'swhatthebullyishopingfor.Workplacebullyingisallaboutcontrol:thebullyneedstoestablishpoweroverthoseperceivedasthreats.Butitcanbeevenworseifyourangertakesoverandyoulaunchacounterattack.Head-to-headcombatwithadangerousandpowerfulopponentmaygenerategruesomebattlescars—andstoriesthatthebullycanuseinmaintainingtheupperhandorindiscreditingyou.Bulliessustaintheirpowerbecausethefightorflightreactioncomessonaturallytotheirtargets.Michaelexpectsthatotherswillretreatinthefaceofhisintimidation,orlosecontrolanddosomethingstupid.Vickybreaksthepattern.SherecognizesthefeelingsthatMichael'sbehaviorisgeneratingforher.That'sanimportantfirststepinunhooking.Second,shelistenstothestoryunfoldinginherhead:“Heisathug,he'stheproblemhere,hemightbetheworstbossintheworld,andhe'sgoingtowatchmedrown.”Shepauseslongenoughtoseethatdwellingoractingonthatstorywouldleadnowheregood.Shedeliberatelytakesadeepbreath,asimpleyetprovenwaytodisruptthebody'sautomaticstressresponseinthefaceofperceiveddanger.5Atthatpoint,Vickyisreadytolookforamoreproductivestory,thenextstepintheSUREmodel.

3. RevisetheScript:AdvanceYourGoal

Michael'ssteadydrumbeatofputdownstemptedVickytotakethebait,butsheshowsimpressiveself-possessionandemotionalintelligence6inavoidingthetrapshewassetting.Sheunhooksfromherrisingangerandskirtstheknee-jerkimpulsetotellMichaelheisabadbossandworsehumanbeing.Instead,shereaffirmshergoalfortheirexchangeandswitchestoamoreproductiveinternalstoryline:“IneedtolearnasmuchasIcanfromMichaelandnowisagoodtimetobegindoingthat.”Vickyknowsthatsheneedsaproductiveworkingrelationshipwithhim,eventhoughheisnotmakingiteasy.Shedemonstratesskillinstayingontask.

Successinunderstandingthesituationandinestablishingarelationshipwithherbosswilltakepersistence,savvy,andpatience.Vicky'spost-meetingnotestoherselfareawaytodebriefastressfulexchangeandprovidedatashecanreturntolatertosearchforpatternsandprogress.Professionalathletesreviewvideostostudywhattheydidwellandwheretheycanimprove.Vicky'snotesserveasimilarpurpose.

4. Engage:Finesse,NotForce

Akeytoengagementwithdifficultpeopleisusingfinesseinsteadofforce.Thisisespeciallytrueinsituationsofunequalpower,aswithaboss.VickyisamodeloffinesseinherinitialmeetingwithMichael.Sherespondstohis“coolyetmenacing”critiqueofherinexperiencebyadroitlyindicatinghowmuchshehopestolearnfromhimandothers.Sheemploystwoofthemostpowerfulanddisarmingmessagesfordealingwithanyonewhocanhelporharmus:IneedyourhelpandIwanttolearnfromyou.WhenMichaeltellsherthatheroperationishangingbyathreadandhastogetbetterfast,he'sinvitinghertobecomedefensiveorbackoff.Vickycalmlyacknowledgesinsteadtherealitythathertwopredecessors“didn'tmakeit,”andturnsthetableswiththesimplequestion,“Whatwentwrong?”Shedemonstratesaprincipleoffinesserootedinmartialartslikeaikidoandjiujutsu:deflectandleveragetheattacker'senergyratherthanopposeitdirectly.Askingquestionsisagoodwaytodothat.

InquiryenablesVickytobeginsecuringtheinformationsheneedstodoherjob.Itisalsoalow-riskwaytoengagethebullyandlethimknowthatshe'snotscaredbyhisattacks.Herquestion,“Whatwentwrong?”alsogentlyconfrontsMichael'svulnerabilitieswithoutescalatingthefight.Workplacebulliesoftenacceleratetheabusewhentheirtargetsareintimidatedorunwillingtoconfront;but,likeMichael,theyareoftenlesspreparedtodealwithprobingquestions.Itiseasytounderestimatethepowerofskilledinquiry.Developingyourabilitytoasktherightquestionsisakeyskillinalmostanyrelationship,allthemoresowithdifficultbosseslikeMichael.Anaddedbenefitisthatyoumaylearnsomethingimportant.

Vickyisinherfirstdayonthejobandinherfirstmeetingwithhernewboss.Firstmeetingscanbefatefulbecausebothpartiesareforminginitialimpressionsthatcaninfluenceeverythingthatfollows.Vickyastutelyattendstoboththewordsandthemusic—thecontentofwhatissaid,aswellastheemotionalsubtext.Michael'ssubstantivemessageisdirect,“Yourdepartmentisintroubleandyou'dbetterfixitfast,eventhoughyouwillprobablyfailbecauseyoudon'thavetherightexperience.”Shewisely

probablyfailbecauseyoudon'thavetherightexperience.”Shewiselyavoidsrashstatementsorpromisesthatshemightregretlater.ShealsosidestepsthepotentialtrapoftryingtoprovehowgoodsheistocounterMichael'squestionsaboutherexperience.VickycommunicatesinsteadthatsheseesMichaelasavaluableresource—whichheis—andthatshewantsarelationshipbuiltonmutualrespectandworkingtogetheronthesharedgoaloforganizationalturnaround.Finesse,notforce.

Vickyhasbigchallengesahead,andthingsarelikelytogetworsebeforetheygetbetter.Withbullies,theyalwaysdo.ButVickydemonstratesherstrengthandconfidentengagementinaroughopeningmeeting.She'llundoubtedlyfaceothertests,butsheisofftoastrongstart.

Notes

1.Thereisalargeandgrowingliteratureonbullyingintheworkplace.Ofparticularnote:JohnLipinskiandLauraM.Crothers,BullyingintheWorkplace:Causes,Symptoms,andRemedies(London:Routledge,2013);JaimeLester,WorkplaceBullyinginHigherEducation(London:Routledge,2013);GaryNamieandRuthF.Namie,TheBully-FreeWorkplace:StopJerks,Weasels,andSnakesfromKillingYourOrganization(Hoboken,NJ:JohnWiley&Sons,2011);GaryNamieandRuthF.Namie,TheBullyatWork:WhatYouCanDotoStoptheHurtandReclaimYourDignityontheJob,2nded.(Naperville,IL:Sourcebooks,Inc.,2009);andDarlaJ.TwaleandBarbaraM.DeLuca,FacultyIncivility:TheRiseoftheAcademicBullyCultureandWhattoDoaboutIt(Hoboken,NJ:JohnWiley&Sons,2008).Booksexploringthephenomenonasaprocessofscapegoatinginclude:JohnM.DyckmanandJosephA.Cutler,ScapegoatsatWork:TakingtheBull's-EyeoffYourBack(Westport,CT:Praeger,2003).

2.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/who-gets-targeted.

3.JoanBorysenko,MindingtheBody,MendingtheMind(NewYork:BantamBooks,1988).

4.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/definition.

5.Dr.HerbertBensondevelopedadeepbreathingtechniqueinthe1970scalledTheRelaxationResponseasawaytocounterthebody'sautonomicreactiontostressinthefaceofrealorperceiveddangersandthatcanleadtohealthconcernssuchashighbloodpressure,suppressedimmunesystemresponses,increasedsusceptibilitytocoldsandotherillnesses,anxiety,anddepression.ArevisedversionofBenson'sbest-sellingclassicisHerbertBenson(withMiriamKlipper),TheRelaxationResponse(NewYork:HarperTorch,2000).Anabbreviatedversionofhistechniqueisavailableatwww.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/relaxation-techniques-breath-control-helps-quell-errant-stress-response.

6.DanielGoleman,EmotionalIntelligence:WhyItCanMatterMorethanIQ(NewYork:BantamDell,2005).

PARTIIBEGINNINGSAREEVERYTHING

4THEMOTLEYCREWTHEWOMANWASPROBABLYNOolderthanlatethirties,butherclose-croppedhair,plaingraysuit,andbuttoned-upwhiteblousegavetheairofanagingreclusewhocravedinvisibility.Shewassittingatthefarcornerofthetableinthemeetingroom,eyesgluedtothelaptopinfrontofher.ShelookedupasVickyarrived.ShegaveVickyasmall,awkwardsmile,andthenseemedtofreeze.Vickysmiledwarmly,walkedaroundthetable,andofferedherhand.

“I'mVicky.YoumustbeLin.”

Linnoddedandraisedastiffarmforaquickhandshake.Nowords.Shehadasmall,frozensmile.Noeyecontact.

“You'rethebusinessmanager,right?”

Anothernod.Eyesbackdown.

“I'mlookingforwardtoworkingwithyou,Lin.IexpectI'llberelyingonyoualot.”

Shewaited,butLinjustnoddedagain.AsVickywonderedwheretotaketheconversationnext,thedooropenedandanotherwomanentered.NoyoungerthanLin,butthewavybrownhair,colorfuloutfit,sparklingtennisbracelet,andpracticedsmileconveyedenergyandacarefullycraftedself-presentation.

Hergreetingwasimmediateandenthusiastic.“YoumustbeVicky,”shesaidwithherhandstraightoutforahandshake.“I'mMadison.DirectorofMarketing.IspeakforeveryonewhenIsaythatwe'reallsoexcitedtomeetyou.You'vemetLin?She'ssuchatreasure.Weallloveher.Iknowyouwill,too.”

“LinandIjustmet,andit'sapleasuretomeetyouaswell,Madison.Ididmarketinginmylastjob,soIexpectwe'llhaveplentytotalkabout.”

“Yes.Ofcourse.Butnotwithourproducts.I'llbegladtohelpyoulearn.”

“Thanks.I'mcountingonthat.”

Amurmurofmalevoicespunctuatedbyburstsoflaughtergrewlouderuntiltheirthreeownerscameintotheroom,engagedinananimatedconversation.WhentheynoticedVicky,theyfellsilent.

“Hi,guys.I'mVicky.”

“Hi,guys.I'mVicky.”

“Who'dhaveguessed?”saidasquatmanwitharuddycomplexion.

Vickyignoredhissarcastictone.“Andyouare?”

“Nathan.”

“DirectorofEngineering.”

“Right.”

“Apleasuretomeetyou,”shesaidwithanoutstretchedhand.“You'resoimportanttothebusiness.”

“It'sabouttimesomeonenoticed.”

VickyturnedtothetallermanonNathan'sright.“Andyou're…?”

“Carlos.Inmysecondyearrunningproduction.”

“I'mlookingforwardtoworkingwithyou,Carlos,andgettingtoknowalotmoreaboutouroperations.”

“Alwaysatyourservice,”herespondedwithagentlenodandwarmsmile.

Vickyturnedtothethirdman.“AndyoumustbeGene,whosellseverythingthatNathandesignsandCarlosmakes.”

“Noteverything,”herepliedwithathinlydisguisedscowl.“Onlythegoodstuff.Butifanyonecanmovetheirjunk,Ican.”

“WhatGenemeans,”saidNathanderisively,“isthateveryonceinawhilehispeoplegetluckyandtripoveracustomer.”

Genewasabouttorespond,butMadisonjumpedin.“Oh,gentlemen,behave.Wehaveworktodohere.WeneedtohearfromVicky.Theseguyslovetoteaseeachother.”

“I'mallforhavingfunatwork,”Vickysaid.“Andyourcomment,Madison,takesusrighttoatopicfortoday'smeeting.Howwe'reallgoingtoworktogether.Please,sitdowneveryone.”

VickywatchedasMadisonpositionedherselfattheheadofthetable.NathanandGenesatoneithersideofher,andCarlospositionedhimselfbetweenGeneandLin.VickychosetositnexttoNathanandoppositethetrioontheotherside.

Vickyhadthoughtlongandhardabouthowtobegin.She'dbeenherebefore—thefirstmeetingwithanewgroupofsubordinates.Beginningsareimportant,sheremindedherself.Butshefeltasmuchapprehensionasexcitement.Where

doyoustartifyouknowyournewgrouphasaweaktrackrecordandareputationforbeingtoughtomanage?Well,she'dtoldherself,bepositiveandemphasizethepossibilities—andtellthetruth.

“IhavetosayIfeellikeakidwho'sjusttransferredtoanewschool.I'mhopingforagreatexperiencebutIneedtolearnthelayoftheland,andI'msurethere'llbechallengesalongtheway.Iseetremendousupsidepotentialforthisbusiness,anditwilltakeallofusworkinghardandworkingtogethertomakethathappen.Myhopeforthismeetingisthat….”

Thedooropenedandslammednoisilyintothewallbehindit.InwalkedMichael.

“Tripsgotcanceled,”hesaidcasually.“SoIcamebytoseehowyouallandVickyaregettingalong.IhopeshetoldyouImadeitveryclearthatthisgroupneedstoshapeup.”

VickycouldnothavebeenmoresurprisedifMichaelhadmotoredintotheroomonaHarley.Shehopedthatshedidn'tlookasstunnedasshefelt.Takeadeepbreath,shetoldherself,anddon'tmakethingsworse.

“Michael,”shefinallysaid,“pleasejoinus.”Vickymotionedtowardtheseatbesideher.“Wewerejustgettingstarted.Myagendaforthemeetingis….”

“I'lljustsitintheback,”heinterruptedandnoisilydraggedachairfromthetabletoapositionalongthewall.Hesatdownandthenleanedback,stretchinghislegsoutinfrontofhim.Hecrossedhisarmstightlyoverhischestandsmiledatthegroup.“Don'tmindme.Goon.Ijustlikeseeingmypeopleinaction.”

5SOS“IEXPECTEDTOLASTMOREthanadaybeforemyfirstdistresscall,”Vickysaid,tryingforsomelevityinheropening.Shesatleaningoverherdesk,restingherheadonthepalmofonehandandholdingthephonewiththeother.

“Firstdayscanbetough.Dyingtohearaboutyours.How'ditgo?”

“MurderingmybossisprobablyabadcareermovesoIneedaPlanB,right?”

PeterandVickybothlaughed.Sheleanedbackinherchair,andletherselffullyfeelforthefirsttimehowdisappointedshewasaboutdayoneinDallas.

“Haven'twehadthisconversationbefore?”heasked.

“Whichone?Thedownsideofmurderingacoworker?”

“Managingyourboss101.”

“That'sfornormalpeople,Peter.NotMichael.”

“Howdoyouknowunlessyougivehimachance?”

“That'smorethanhe'sgivingme.Hesaidhecouldn'tcometothefirstmeetingwithmynewteam.Thenheshowedupunannouncedanddidagreatjobofdisruptingthings.ShouldIgoon?”

“RemindmewhatyouexpecteditwouldbeliketoworkforMichael,”Peteraskedkindly.

“Maddening.”

“Soisanyofthisarealsurprise?”

“No.JustworsethanIexpected.”

“Didyoucrumbleorgrovelorwailorcurse?”

“No,Peter,”Vickysaidwithalaugh.

“Thenitsoundsontracktome.”Peterpausedbeforecontinuing,givingVickytimetoremembershehadhandledatoughstartprettywell.

Petercontinued.“Firsttimeyouworkedforme,Isaidaimforthreethingsinarelationshipwithaboss.”

“Iremember.Partnership.Opencommunication.Trust.NoneofwhichIhave

“Iremember.Partnership.Opencommunication.Trust.NoneofwhichIhavewithMichael.”

“You'vebeentherehowlong?”

“Okay,oneday,”Vickysmiledruefully.“Igetthehint.”

Peterwassilentattheotherendoftheline.Itwasthewayheoftensignaledthatshewasseeingsomethingimportant.

“Iknow,”Vickycontinued,“ittakestimetobuildarelationshipwithaboss.Butsofarwe'regoinginthewrongdirection.Fast.”

“Sohowcanyouturnitaround?”

“Well,thankstoyou,managingyourboss101isbrandedinmybrain.”

“Let'sapplyittoMichael.”

“Step1:lookatmyself.What'smypieceofthepuzzle?”

“And?”

Therewasalongpause.Finally,Vickyspoke.

“Ishouldhavethoughtofthisbefore,butitprobablydidn'thelpthatIarrivedexpectingtheworstandwonderinghowIwasgoingtosurvive.I'dheardsomuchnegativestuffaboutMichael.Hidingitwell,Ihope,butitwashardtoavoidconfirminghisfaultsateveryturn.”

“Couldbearecipeformissedopportunities.”

“Hadhimconvictedinmymindbeforethecaseeverwenttotrial.”

“That'llmakeithardertowalkinhisshoes.Findoutwhat'sreallybehindthatthreateningmask.”

“Thatwasn'tanythingIgavemuchthoughttotoday.”Vickypausedandthenaddedwithasigh,“So,mygoodteacher,remindme:I'velosttrackofstep2.”

“Easytoforgetwhenyoudon'thavethebossofyourdreams.”VickynoddedasPeterspoke.“Step2:understandtheboss'sproblemsandpressuressoyoucanusehistimewisely.Figureouthowtomakehislifeeasier.Hedoesn'tneedyoutobeonemoreproblem.”VickywasthinkingaboutwhatmightmakeMichael'slifeeasierwhenPeterbrokethesilence.

“You'rethethirdbatteruptotheplate,Vicky.Thefirsttwointhejobstruckout.”Petersaid,“Inning'salmostover.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning?”

“Michael'sgottobenervous.”

“SomaybeheneedsmeasmuchasIneedhim?”

“Bingo.”

6THEALLYSHESTOODOUTSIDEMICHAEL'SDOOR,holdingasheetofpaper.Heneedsyou,sheremindedherself.Vickystraightenedhershoulders,steppedforward,tappedlightly,andstuckherheadinthedoor.

“Hey,gotaminute?”Vickyaskedconfidentlyandwithasmile.TalktohimthewayyouwouldPeter,shetoldherself.

“Barely,”Michaelgrumbled,notlookingupfromthepilesofscatteredpapersonhisdesk.

“Iwon'ttakelong.I'vebeenwell-trainedtousemyboss'stimewisely.”

Michaelglancedup.“Well,that'ssomething.”

“I'lltakethatasmyfirstcompliment.”VickypulledachairuptothefrontofMichael'sdeskandsatdirectlyoppositehim.Helookedup.Vickycaughttheflickerofabriefsmile.TreathimthewayyouwouldPeter,sherepeatedtoherself.

“Well?”

“Michael,ItookthisjobbecauseI'mconfidentwecangetthisunitbackontopofitsgame.I'mheretoworkhardforyouandwithyou.Iwanttomakebothofuslookgood.Whatdoyouneedfrommetofeelyoucantrustme?”

Michaellookedupandstaredather.Vickyheldhisgazeandhercomposure.Shewaited.

“Startbytacklingthatuselesscrewofyours.”Hereturnedtohispapers.

“Myfirstpriority.Youthinkwehavethewrongpeopleonthebus?”

Michael'slaughsoundedalmostmalicious.“Youcouldfirethewholelotofthem,asfarasI'mconcerned.Justmakesureyoumakeyournumbers.”

“Iplantobeatthenumbers,”Vickysaidcalmly.ThensheplacedashortoutlineofwhatsheplannedtodoonMichael'sdesk.“Here'smyproposedstrategygoingforward.Basically,you'llseeI'mmeetingwitheveryone,assessingwhattheycancontribute,andtestingwhethertheyreallywanttobeontheteam.I'dlikeyourthoughtsontheplan.DidImissanything?Allsuggestionswelcomed.”

ShewaitedasMichaelglancedathersheetandthenreturnedtohispaperwork.

ShewaitedasMichaelglancedathersheetandthenreturnedtohispaperwork.AfterafewminutesthatfeltmuchlongertoVicky,Michaelstoppedwriting.Heopenedafiledrawerinhisdeskandpulledoutathickfolder.

“Here.”HethrewthefolderonthedeskinVicky'sdirection.Shesawwhatlookedlikepersonnelfilesforeveryoneinherdepartment.

“Thanks,Michael.Thiswillhelp,I'msure.I'llrevieweverything.”

“Well,getstarted.”Hereturnedtohispaperwork.

Vickystoodup.“Willdo,boss.It'smyjobtomakeyoulookgood.”

“ThatwouldbegreatifIthoughtyoucould.”

“Michael,ifthebusinessdoeswell,webothlookgood.And,ifIhelpyou,I'mhopingyou'llhelpme.Fairenough?”

“Wordsarecheap.”

“Iagree.IknowIhavetodeliver.Iplanto.Andit'llbeeasierifwe'reonthesameteam.Mymottoisnogamesandnosurprises.”

Sheturnedtogo.

“Hey,”hecalledafterher.“Nogames,nosurprises,eh?I'llholdyoutothat.”

“Ihopeyouwill.”

INTERLUDE2MANAGINGTHEBOSSPETERREMINDSVICKYOFATASKASimportantasanythingelseshemustdo:manageherboss.Prescriptionsforworkplacesuccessoftenemphasizemanagingpeoplewhoreporttoyou.Savvyprofessionalsunderstandthatiftheycan'tleadup,theywon'tbeabletoleaddowneither.CopingwithabullyisoneaspectofVicky'schallengewithMichael.Shealsohasthejobthatsubordinatesalwaysfaceofhowtodevelopaproductiveworkingpartnershipwithaboss.

Aboss'spositionpowercreatesimbalancesandbarriers,evenwhenthebossiswarmandsupportive.Thetricktomanagingupisbuildingarelationshipofmutualinfluencedespitetherealityofunequalpower.Thisisharder,butevenmoreimportant,withbosseslikeMichaelwhoseenoneedforatwo-waystreet.

Therearewonderfulbossesandterribleonesinanylineofwork.Vickydoesnothavethebossofherdreams,butsheneedstodothebestshecanwiththeoneshehas(atleastuntiloneofthemmoveson).UnlessshefindsawaytoworkproductivelywithMichael,sheisinano-winsituation.Michaelhasinformationandexperiencesheneeds,andVickywouldbefoolishtounderestimatehisinfluenceoverresourcesorimportantothersinDallasandelsewhere.Ifshecan'tmeethisexpectations,shelooksweakandineffective.Ifsheletshimwalkoverher,shedoesn'thelphercareer,herhealth,orthebusiness.

Despitewhatcynicsmightthink,managingupdoesnotamounttoself-servingmanipulationorbecomingalackey.Itisastrategicandorchestratedapproachfordevelopingclearexpectationsandcommunicationpatternsthatenableyouandyourbosstoworktogetheronbehalfofbothpersonalandinstitutionalgoals.Thesupportofthoseaboveyoumakesiteasiertogettheresourcesyouneed,projectsyouenjoy,andopportunitiesyouwantforadvancement.Itprovidescoverwhenyouareunderattack—andtheconfidencetothinklongtermandtotakerisksonbehalfofyourunit'smissionandyourcareerdevelopment.Withoutsupportfromabove,yourwingsareclipped—whetheryourealizeitornot.

Ifyouareblessedwithawiseandsupportiveboss,nurturethatrelationship.Vickyisfortunatethatsomebodyuptherelikesher.ShehasamentorinPeter,andtheofferofDallasfromCorporatemeansthattherearealsoothersinterestedinhergrowthandadvancement.Butnoonecandoherworkforher.ShestillhastofindawaytomoveherrelationshipwithMichaelontoamorepositivefooting.Hisresponsestoherbesteffortsprovideimportantdatatoassesswhat

footing.Hisresponsestoherbesteffortsprovideimportantdatatoassesswhatworksandwhat'spossible.WaitingforMichaeltochangeortoreachoutisanabdicationofherleadership:Vickyneedstobeproactive.Whereveryouwork,ifyouwantyourjobandwanttodoitwell,youneedastrategyforworkingeffectivelywithyourboss.

Sowhatdoyoudoif,likeVicky,youhaveadominating,uncommunicativebosslikeMichael?Letourrulesofengagementbeyourguide.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:UnderstandtheBoss'sProblemsandBeaSolution

VickyrecognizesthatsheneedstounderstandMichael'spressures,problems,andworkingstyle.SheisbusyandMichaelisprobablyevenbusier,soshewantstomaximizethevalueofthetimetheyspendtogether.Thatmeansusingitonthethingsthatareimportanttobothofthem.TolearnaboutMichael'sneedsandpriorities,Vickyunderstandsthatshehastotakeinitiativeratherthanhopeforhimtovolunteer.SheknowsthatMichaelhasgoalstoachieve,hasn'tbeensuccessfulwithhertwopredecessors,andmayfacepressuresandconstraintsshedoesn'tknowabout.UnderstandingMichael'sagendaandconcernswillhelphergaugehowshecouldmakehislifeeasier.Demanding,needy,oroblivioussubordinatestendtohaveashortshelflife,evenforthemostpatientandnurturingofbosses.Michael'sbullyingaddsdifficultyandurgencyforVicky.Heneedstoseeherasavaluableasset,andachievingagreed-upongoalsisagoodway.Butshealsoneedstostayalerttothepossibilitythatthemoreshesucceeds,themorethreatenedMichaelmayfeel.

VickyalsoneedstounderstandhowMichaelpreferstocommunicatesothatshecandelivermessagesinaformatthatworksforhim.InherSOSconversationwithPeter,sherecognizesthatherconcernsaboutMichael'strackrecordmaybegettinginherway.SeeingMichaelasdangerouscanmobilizeadesiretokeepasafedistance.VickyneedstoleaninandgetcloseifshereallywantstolearnaboutMichael'sproblemsandpressures.Ifshedoesn't,shewillneverunderstandwhyheisthinkingandactingashedoes—orhavemuchhopeofinfluencingeither.Youcanunderstandmuchaboutdifficultpeoplewhenyoureplaceyourfearswithsincereinterestandallowyourselftowalkintheirshoes.That'snoteasywithabullybosslikeMichael,butyoucannottestthepotentialinarelationshipwithoutmakinganeffort.

2. Unhook:EmployMindfulVigilance

WeseefromVicky'sphonecalltoPeterthatdespitebesteffortsinherinitialmeetingwithMichaelsheendsupfeelinghooked.Michael'ssurprisevisittoherteammeetingtippedthescale.It'stheonespecificexamplesheshareswithPeter,andherreferencetoneedingaPlanBillustratesitsimpact.TalkingwithPeterhelpsVickysortthroughwhatworkedandwhatdidn'tinadramaticdayone.Asupportivementororcoachisavaluableasset.1

Theplethoraofbooksaboutbadbosses2tellsyousomething:lotsofpeoplehaveworkedforone—orthoughttheydid.Badbossesrunthegamutfromineffectivetounethical,andthelistofmostcommontypesissobering:incompetent,callous,corrupt,rigid,intemperate,insular,andevilleaders.3Whenithappenstoyou,lookforthepatternthatcanhelpyouunhook:whatisthebossdoingthatraisesyourangst,whatstoryareyoutellingyourselfaboutit,andwhatbuttondoesthatpushinyou?Agoodanalysisgetsyoucleareronwhatyoumightdodifferently.IfVickysimplyfoldsorbalks,shewillnotgetwhatsheneedsfromMichaelandhewon'tlearnanythingabouthisowneffectiveness.That'snofavortoeitherofthem.Michaelcontinuesapatternofunintentionallydigginghimselfintodeeperleadershipholes,andVickyracestowardburnout.

FromherfirstmeetingwithMichael,Vickylookstounderstandandtounhookfromthepowerfulemotionsthathetriggersforhersothatshecanbeatthetopofhergame.Unhookingisalmostneveroneanddone.Vickywillneedtomakeitanongoingfocusofherattention.

3. RevisetheScript:MeettheSubordinateChallenge

VickyseesthatherinternalscriptkeptherguardedandfocusedonMichael'spasttransgressions.Thatfreeshertodevelopanapproachtotheirsecondmeetingthatfocusesonspeakingwarmlyandgenuinelytohisconcerns—somethingMichaelmightnotexpect,givenhiscantankerousbehaviorstodate.Earlyinthemeeting,forexample,Vickypromisestousehistimeefficientlyandannounceshergoalofmakingthembothlookgood.Vickyhaswiselytossedoutthescriptthatsubordinatesoftenusewithdifficultbosses—becautiousandletthebossmakethedecisions.Instead,shepresentsherproposedplanandasksMichaelforfeedback.

SpeakUp.Oneofthemostcommonbarrierstocommunicationwithone'sbossisthefearofspeakingup.Bossesarenotinfallible,andtheyarenotwellservedbysubordinateswhohesitatetotellthetruthaboutthepotential

falloutfromtheirjudgmentsanddecisions.Akeyleadershipcapacityisthewillingnesstospeaktruthtopowerandtheabilitytodoitwithgraceandskill.Subordinatessometimesfailthistestbecausetheycannotovercometheirfearoftheconsequences.Andattacks,blame,andrecklesspersonalinsultsareunproductive.Contrarytoconventionalwisdom,though,skilledcandordeliveredwithgenuineconcernfortheenterprise—andtheboss—canincreaseone'scredibilityandinfluence.Ifitdoesnot,youhavelearnedsomethingveryimportantaboutyourboss.Beware!

Offersolutions,notproblems.Toooften,subordinatesturntotheirbosseswiththeexplicitorimplicitmessage,“Tellmewhatyouwantmetodo.”Ifbossestakethebait,theresultisusuallyadisempoweredsubordinateandanoverloadedboss.Itisbettertotakeresponsibilityandmakeyourboss'sjobeasier,notharder.Itiswisetoconsultwithbossesonissuesthatmightwindupontheirdesksanyway,buttheyarelikelytobegratefulandtohavemoreconfidenceinyouifyouarrivewiththoughtfulsolutionsandprogressreports.Whenyourimplicitmessageis“Solvethisproblemforme,”youraiseredflagsaboutyourinitiativeandstrategiccapabilities.Whenyousay,“Here'swhatIsee.Here'swhatI'vedone.Here'swhatI'velearned.Andhere'smyplan.Anyadvice?”youkeepyourbossintheloopwithoutputtingonemoreproblemontheboss'splate.ThatisjustwhatVickydoeswhenshepresentsherplanningdocumenttoMichaelandasksforhisreactions.

4. Engage:SustainYourDiagnosticEye

Peteridentifiesthreeoverarchinggoalsforaproductiveboss-subordinaterelationship,thefirstofwhichispartnership.Apartnershipisacooperativeventurewithmutualobjectives.Thatwon'tbeeasywithabosslikeMichael,butitisnotimpossible.Buildingapartnershiprequiresconversationandsharedagreementaboutroles,goals,expectations,andassessmentstandards.Workingthroughthoseissues,especiallyiftherearemajordifferencesinperspectives,enablesbothpartiestoemergewithastrongersenseoftrustandappreciationofthemutualbenefitsoftherelationship.

Theidealtimetobeginthatconversationisbeforeyouacceptthejob,butitisnevertoolatetostart.Theobjectiveistoclarifywhateachofyouneedsfromtheother.Vicky,forexample,needsthingslikeinformation,counsel,support,protection,resources,andclearmandatesfromMichael.Heneedsinformation,support,accountability,integrity,andreliableperformancefromVicky.Smartsubordinatesunderstandthatit'sallaboutreciprocity:youdeliverforyourboss,andyourbossismorelikelytodothesamefor

youdeliverforyourboss,andyourbossismorelikelytodothesameforyou.

AtthecenterofVicky'sapproachtoMichaelintheirsecondmeetingisanoffershehopeshewon'trefuse:ifwecanbepartners,I'llmakeyoulookgood.Michael,chroniccurmudgeonthatheis,isskepticalandnotyetreadytosignon.Buthedoesn'tsayno,andgivesindicationsthatheisintrigued.Inresponse,hemakeshisfirstgestureofsupport:thepersonnelfiles.Vickyignoresthebrusquewaythefilesaretossedinherdirection.ShechoosesinsteadtothankMichaelforsharingthem.Sheexpresseshergenuineappreciationfortheinformation,confirmsherintentiontouseit,andmanagesthewholeexchangeasanopportunitytoreinforcehercommitmenttopartnership.Vicky'scheerfultenacityandfocusontaskmaybestartingtopayoff.

Peter'ssecondoverarchinggoalforaproductiveboss-subordinaterelationshipisopencommunication.NoteasywithsomeonelikeMichael,butVickystillneedstofindwaystocommunicatewithhimsothattheyunderstandeachother.Sheimprovesherchancesbyworkingtoseetheworldthroughhiseyessoshecanpositionherideasandsuggestionsinlightofhisneeds.MichaelmaynotyetappreciatethatworkingcloselywithVickyisinhisbestinterest,butVickycanshowhimwhyitis.Ifshedoesn'tandthingsgodownhill,he'llblameheranyway.

AsinherpreviousmeetingwithMichael,Vickyasksgoodquestions.ShealsomakesitclearthatshewantsMichael'sadviceandinput.HerskillfuluseofquestionsgivesherawaytotakeinitiativewithoutoffendingMichaelorofferinghimnewopeningsforattack.Whenspeakingupseemsrisky,itisagoodtimeforinquiry.Youcanarguedirectlywithsomebosses;it'sfutilewithothers.Butaskingtherightquestionsoftenaccomplishesthesameresult.

AgoodexampleisVicky'squestiontoMichael,“Whatdoyouneedfrommetofeelyoucantrustme?”SheputstrustonthetableinawaythatletsMichaelrespondonhisterms.GoodquestionshelpVickyunderstandMichael'sthinking,andtheystimulatehimtothinkagain.

Peter'sthirdgoalistoestablishthecredibilityneededtonegotiatekeyprioritieswithyourboss.Credibilityisbuiltoncompetenceandtrust.Youmayhavesolidexperienceandbusinessacumen,butifpeopledon'ttrustyouasthemessenger,theywon'ttrustyourmessage.Leadersbuildtheircredibilitywhentheyconsistentlydemonstratetheirintegrityandreliabilityinachievingorexceedingtheirstatedobjectives.Bossestrustandlistento

inachievingorexceedingtheirstatedobjectives.Bossestrustandlistentoemployeeswhohavetheirbestinterestsatheart:makingyourbosslookgoodisaprovenformulaforsuccessinanyorganization.ThatcanevenworkwithMichael—lookinggoodmaybehighonhislistofpriorities.

VickyissufficientlyconfidentanddeterminedtotaketheriskofmakingaseriesofcommitmentsthatrespondtoMichael'sneeds—she'llmeetorbeathernumbers,solvethepersonnelissues,andworktomakehimlookgood.Avoidingcommitmentsforfearthatyouwon'tmeetthemisaroutetomediocreperformance.Vickyunderstandsthatshe'sputtinghercredibilityontheline,andthatshe'llneedtomakegoodonthosepromises.Sheoffersonlywhatsheknowsshecandeliver.Beforewarned:credibilitymaytaketimetobuild,anditcanbequicklylost.

Vicky'spromiseof“nogamesandnosurprises”showsMichaelthatsheunderstandstheimportanceofnotlettinghimbeblind-sided.Subordinatesoftenmakethemistakeofwithholdingbadnewsinthehopethatthey'llgetitresolvedbeforethebosshearsaboutit—orevenclingtothemagicalthinkingthatitwillsomehowgoaway.Wisesubordinatesunderstandthatifthere'sanissueintheirareathatcouldproduceanexplosion,createproblemsupstairsorwithcustomers,orgeneratenegativepress,theyneedtoalerttheirbossimmediately.Theywantthebosstounderstandtheissues,knowtherisks,and,ideallysupportwhateverthey'regoingtodotodealwiththeproblemathand.Itmaygowithoutsaying,butitcan'tbesaidtoooften:allyourchoicesshouldbeclear,clean,andethical.

Vickyiswisetostayalert,debriefperiodicallywithPeter,andcontinuerecordingnotesforreflectionandpatterns.Michaelhasshownclassicbullybehaviors.Likeabusivespouses,bullybossesliketokeeptheirtargetscloseyetoff-balancebyusingperiodsofpeaceandapparentprogressasawaytodanglehopeforabetterrelationship.Then,whack!4MichaelneedsnumbersthatmakeVicky'soperationinDallaslookgood,butthatdoesnotmeanhe'llbedelightedifsheaccomplisheswhathehasbeenunabletodotodate.Itmayseemcounterintuitive,butworkplacebulliesdonotusuallytargetincompetentpeople.Theyarethreatenedbycapable,courageous,andwell-likedindividualswhodo,know,andgetthingstheycan't.Soworkplacebullieslookforwaystogetfreeagentsundercontrol,andoftencoaxorcoercealliestohelpinthateffort.5

Vickywalksafineanddifficultline:shecannotbenaïve,norcanshewriteherbossoffafterafewexchangesandstilldotheworksheneedstodo.HerperspectiveandskillmayturnthingsaroundwithMichael.Ifnot,shewillat

perspectiveandskillmayturnthingsaroundwithMichael.Ifnot,shewillatleastknowthatshegaveitherbestshot.Vickywilldrawstrengthandinsightbycontinuingtodefineherselfasanempoweredlearner.ShealsoneedstorememberthatsignsofprogresswithMichaeldonotensureadurablepeace.Michaelmaystillresorttosubtleordeviousmeanstocontrolandundermineher.Bullybossesmakethepowerdifferencesandcomplexitiesinboss-subordinaterelationshipsmuchmoredifficult.Butopennessandhopecancoexistwithvigilance,self-care,andsmartdiagnosticwork.

Notes

1.Grumpyorcantankerousbehaviorunderpressureisdifferentfromantisocialpathologiesthatexpressthemselvesinworkplacebullying.Bulliesarethreatenedbythecompetenceofothers,andtheirbehaviorsaredrivenbydeepinternalinadequaciesandpsychologicalcauses.Tounderstandthedifferences,seeDr.JaneMcGregorandTimMcGregor,TheEmpathyTrap:UnderstandingAntisocialPersonalities(London:SheldonPress,2013).

2.Booksofnoteonthetopicinclude:AryanneOade,FreeYourselffromWorkplaceBullying:BecomeBully-ProofandRegainControlofYourLife(Oxford,UK:MintHallPublishing,2015);JohnHoover,HowtoWorkforanIdiot:SurviveandThrivewithoutKillingYourBoss,2nded.(PomptonPlains,NJ:TheCareerPress,2011);RobertSutton,GoodBoss,BadBoss:HowtoBetheBestandLearnfromtheWorst(NewYork:HachetteBooks,2010);KatherineCrowleyandKathiElster,WorkingforYouIsn'tWorkingforMe:HowtoGetAheadWhenYourBossHoldsYouBack(NewYork:PenguinPress,2009);LynnTaylor,TameYourTerribleOfficeTyrant:HowtoManageChildishBossBehaviorandThriveinYourJob(Hoboken,NJ:JohnWiley&Sons,2009);GiniGrahamScott,ASurvivalGuideforWorkingwithBadBosses:DealingwithBullies,Idiots,Backstabbers,andotherManagersfromHell(NewYork:AMACOM,2006);BarbaraKellerman,BadLeadership:WhatItIs,HowItHappens,WhyItMatters(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPress,2004);HarryChambers,MyWayortheHighway:TheMicromanagementSurvivalGuide(SanFrancisco:Berrette-Koehler,2004).

3.BarbaraKellerman,BadLeadership:WhatItIs,HowItHappens,WhyItMatters(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPress,2004),chapter4–10.

4.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/definition.

5.Seewww.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/who-gets-targetedorhttp://bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm#what_triggers_bullying.

PARTIIICOMPLEXCHARACTERS

7MADISONVICKYEMBARKEDONHERPLAN.Hernextstepwastomeetwitheachofherpeopleindividually:gettheirthinking,probetheirviewsonthegroup'sdisappointingtrackrecord,andworktodevelopagreementabouthowtogoforward.Sheaskedeachofthemtofindaconvenienttimetomeet.Vickywasn'tsurprisedthatMadison,hermarketingmanager,wasfirsttosignup.

MadisonwelcomedVickywiththemanneredenthusiasmofaveteranmarketer.Shewasonherfeet,bigsmile,handoutstretched,asVickyenteredMadison'soffice.Madison'stonewasenthusiastic.“Vicky,thankssomuchforcomingovertomarketingcentral.”

“Mypleasure,”Vickyresponded,asshetookinthecolorfulriotofmemorabiliaandphotosspreadoverthewallsandworksurfacesinMadison'soffice.Theyconveyedtheimageofacelebrity—asmiling,self-possessed,stylishwomanwhoalwaysseemedtobeatcenterstage.“Yourofficehasalotofcharacter,”Vickyadded.

“Thanks.Thatmeanssomuchtome.Ihopeitshowshowimportantmyworkistomeandthecompany.ButIknowyoudidn'tcomeheretotalkaboutmydecoratingpanache.Youwanttotalkabouthowwecanimprovethebusiness.”

“Exactly,”Vickyinterjected.

“Ican'ttellyouhowhappyIamtoworkwithyou,andIreallywanttohelpinanywayIcan.”

“Iappreciatethat,Madison.I'msureyou'reawarethatthegroup'sbusinessresultshavebeendisappointing,andweneedtofixthat.”

“Well,we'vehadsomeproblems,butit'snothingthatwecan'tfix.”

“So,”askedVicky,“whereshouldwestart?”

“Doyouwantmetobehonest?”

“Absolutely.”

Madisonwalkedovertocloseherdoorbeforereturningtoherseat.

“Ijusthatetosayanythingnegativeaboutmycolleagues,butyou'veaskedforthetruth,andIwanttomakesureyouhavethefullpicture.”

thetruth,andIwanttomakesureyouhavethefullpicture.”

“Iappreciatethat.”

“IfeelIcanbehonestwithyou,Vicky,”saidMadison,inasoft,conspiratorialtone.“I'vedonemybesttoholdthisgrouptogetherinthelastcoupleofyears,butit'sbeenastruggle.I'msureyouknowyou'reherebecauseyourpredecessorscouldn'tdothejob.PartofthatisMichaelisn'teasytoworkfor.But,frankly,Ithinktheirbiggestproblemwasthattheycouldn'tfacetheawfultruth.”

Madisonpaused.

“Whattruth?”Vickyaskedcalmly.

“Oh,thisissohardformetosay,”saidMadisonwithafrown.Shepaused,closinghereyesandputtingherheaddown.

VickywaiteduntilMadisonbeganagain.

“IguessIjusthavetosayit.Theydidn'thavethegutstofirepeoplewhoneededtogo.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”Vickyasked,againinacalmvoice.

“Ilookatitfromamarketingperspective.Myjobasamarketeristogiveourcustomerswhattheywant.We'renotdoingthat.”

“Whynot?”

“Iknowwhatweneedtoputoutthere,andI'vespentalotoftimetryingtobringmycolleaguesalongtoseethingsmyway.Butit'sbeenslowandpainful—worsethanpullingteeth.”

“Because?”Vickynudged.

“Okay.Nathanisbrilliant.Greatengineer.Buthe'snevermetanewideahethinkswillwork.EveryglassishalfemptyforNathan,andhe'ssotesty.Youneverknowwhenhe'llbeinabadmood.SoIcajoleandnudgeandsuggestandthencajolesomemore.Sometimes,he'llcomearoundtoseethingsmyway.HeknowsIknowmystuff.Oncehebuysintoanewidea,hisgroupdoesagreatjob.Butit'ssohardtogethimthere.Andtheprocesstakessolongthatwe'reconstantlylatetomarket.”

“Okay.Soonethingwehavetodoisspeedupourproductdevelopmentcycle?”

“Right.Butthat'llonlyhelpifwecanmakeitonceit'sdesigned.”

“Whydoyousaythat,Madison?”Vickyasked.

“Ijusthatetosaythis,Vicky,butCarlosisinoverhishead.Hecan'tadmitit

“Ijusthatetosaythis,Vicky,butCarlosisinoverhishead.Hecan'tadmititandnooneelsewilleither.Nicestguyintheworld.Alwaysmeanswell.Upthroughtheranks.Knowstheoperations.Supportshispeople.Butyoujustcan'trelyonhim.”

“So,hedoesn'tdeliver?”

“Helikestokeeppeoplehappyanddoesn'tliketosayno.Maybehe'sjusttoonicetorunproduction.He'slostcontroloftheoperation.Imeanhispeoplelovehim,buttheydon'tproduce.Qualityproblems.Costoverruns.Latedeliveries.Chaosonthefloor.It'sanightmare.”

“Okay,”saidVicky,takingnotes.“You'reseeingthingsweneedtofixinproductdevelopmentandinmanufacturing.Anythingelse?”

“Well,again,Ihatetosaythis,Vicky,”Madisonsaidandthenpausedforemphasis.“Well,frankly,wecouldusesomeprofessionalisminoursalesoperation.”

“Howso?”

“Gene'sanold-schoolsalesman.Reliesonchattingupthecustomersinsteadofproductknowledge.Andletmetellyou,he'sthemasterofthethree-martinilunch.Sometimesmorethanthree,Imightadd.Hispeoplefollowtheleader.Ourproductsaregettingmorecomplex,butthesalesforceisn'tkeepingup.Ihavetoconstantlycoachthem,andhopethere'llbeadequatefollow-uponceanorderisplaced.”

“Why'sthat?”

Madisonlookeddownandsighed.“Well,”shepaused.“You'vemetLin.Imean,she'sthenicestgalaroundandsowell-meaning.Buthowcanshesupporttheoperationifshe'stooshytotalktopeopleaboutwhatthenumbersshow?”

“You'dliketoseeLinspeakupmore?”

“Ithinkyou'vegotitall,Vicky,”Madisonrepliedwithasigh.

“Yourperspectivesontheseareasareveryhelpful,Madison.Thankyou.”VickywaitedtoseeifMadisonhadanythingelsetosay.

“AnythingelseIneedtoknow?”Vickyaskedwarmly.“Howaboutmarketing?Aretherethingsyou'dliketoimprovethere?”

AtraceofafrownhintedthatMadisondidn'tappreciatethequestions.Butitwasreplacedquicklybyherusualbigsmile.“Ofcourse,Vicky.Iembracecontinuousimprovement,andI'malwayslookingforwaystomakemarketingbetter.ButIthinkyou'llfindthatwe'rehighlyrespectedbyourmarketingpeers.

better.ButIthinkyou'llfindthatwe'rehighlyrespectedbyourmarketingpeers.Frankly,someofmycolleaguesheredon'tknowenoughaboutmarketingtorecognizethequalityofwhatIdo,butIthinkwecompareverywelltoanyoneinourindustry.”

VickyleftthemeetingwithMadisonmullingamixoffeelings.Madison'scandorwashelpfulinidentifyingissuesthatneededfurtherinvestigation.ButVickyworriedthatthismightbethefirstofaseriesofmeetingsinwhichpeopleblamedeveryonebutthemselves.AndVickyhadasuspicionthatdespiteherprotests,Madisonwasn'tatallreluctanttocriticizehercolleagues.

8DATATHEWOODENDESKTOPWASEMPTYexceptforaneatlystackedpileoffoldersinasimplewirebasketontherightside,twopensandamechanicalpencilinasmallceramictrayinthecenter,andablackstaplerontheleftparalleltothetelephone.Thecomputeronasidetablewasshowingmultiplespreadsheets.

Linisaclassiccleandeskmanager.Ihopethat'sagoodsign,VickythoughtassheenteredLin'soffice.ShewasmindfulofMadison'sconcernsaboutLin,buteagertogettoknowLinbetter.LiniskeytounderstandingouroperationsinDallas,Vickythought.Ineedtogethertalking.

“Goodmorning,Lin.MayIsitdown?”

LinlookedupatVicky,nodded,andthenlookeddown.VickytooktheseatinfrontofLin'sdesk.

“Asbusinessofficer,Lin,Ihopeyoucanhelpmemakesenseofallthat'sbeenhappening.I'msureyou'reawarethatthegroup'sresultshavebeendisappointing,andit'sourjobtofixthat.Wheredoyousuggestwestart?”

Linnoddedandreachedforthefoldersinthein-basket.Sheputthestackinfrontofher,tookthefileonthetop,andplaceditopenonherdeskinawaythatVickycouldreadit.

“Thismighthelp,”Linbeganinavoicebarelyaboveawhisper.“Summarychartsofouroperationsoverthelastfiveyears.Icanansweranyquestions.Ourfullfinancialstodatearealsointhisfolder.”

“Great!Thisisgreat,”Vickysaid,happilypleasedbyLin'sinitiativeandpreparationforthemeeting.“Seeingthenumbersovertimeisreallygoingtohelpmeunderstandwherewe'vebeen.Veryhelpful.Whatelsedoyouhaveforme?”

Lintookthesecondfolderfromthestack,turneditaround,andagainplaceditopeninfrontofVickytoread.

“Somefiguresonourproductionoperation.Thechartsshowescalatingcostoverrunsandsteadyincreasesinreturnedmerchandiseoverthepastsixquarters.”

Vickylookeddownattheopenfile.Beforeshecouldcomment,Linpushedtherestofthestackacrossthedesk.

“Pleasenoticeinthesethefollowing.Thenextfolderdetailsrisingexpensesoverthelastthreeyearsforthedisposalofscrapmetalsandhazardouswaste.Ourscrapthisfiscalyearis13percenthigherthanindustrystandardand2percenthigherthanlastyear.Theremainingtwofolderscontainsalesfiguresfromthepastfiveyearsforeachproductlinewithcomparisonstoourtwomajorcompetitors.You'llseewe'refallingbehindinnewproductstomarket.”

Linlookedupbriefly,metVicky'seyes,andthenlookeddowninherusualstyle.Vickythoughtshesawaslightsmile.

“Lin,thisisveryhelpful.I'llstudyitall,andmaybebacktoyouwithquestions.I'mcurious,who'sseenthisdata?”

“I'vealwayssentthesereportstomyboss.IgavethesetoTedwhenhewashereandtoBarrybeforehim.Afterthat,I'mnotsure.”

“Well,that'ssomethingweneedtochange.Iwanteveryoneontheteamtoseethenumbers.I'llbeaskingyoutohelponthat,Lin,”Vickyadded.Linshookherheadyes,andagainVickysawherslightsmile.“AnythingelseIshouldknow?”

“I'llsendyouacopyofthespreadsheetselectronically.You'llfindeverythingisaccurate,”saidLin.“Ialwaysdouble-checkmywork.”

“Idon'tdoubtthat.”Vickysmiled,stoodup,andtookthestackoffoldersfromthedesk.“I'llbebacktoyouwithanyquestions.Thanks,Lin.Thisisveryhelpful.”

“Okay.Bye.”

9UNDERPERFORMINGHOURSOFPORINGOVERLIN'SdatamadeitcleartoVickythathermeetingwithCarloshadtobeacandidtalkaboutproduction.Whenshearrivedinhisoffice,hegreetedherwarmlyandwithabigsmile.

“Vicky,”Carlossaidwithanoutstretchedhand.“I'vebeenwaitingtoshowyoutheheartandsoulofthisunit.Howaboutsomecoffeefirst?”

“Soundsgood.”

“Ialwayskeepafreshpot.Itencouragespeopletostopin.Greatwaytobuildrapportandlearnaboutwhat'shappening.”

VickythankedCarlosandtookasip.Shewasencouragedbyhiswarmwelcomeandgladthatheencouragesvisitors.

“Hmm,Carlos.Thisisreallygoodforofficecoffee!”

“It'saGuatemalanmediumroast.”Carlossmiledinappreciationofthecompliment.“Anotherreasonyoushouldn'tbeastrangerdownhere,Vicky.It'samotivatortoeveryonewhenthebigbosspaysavisit.Hasn'thappenedinalongwhile.So,whereshouldwestart?Talkfirst,thentourorviceversa?”

“I'mlookingforwardtoatour,Carlos.Let'stalkfirstsothatIunderstandwhatI'mseeing.”

“Soundsgood.”Carlosmotionedtowardthetwocomfortablechairsnearthecoffeepot.“Let'ssithere.Nodesktogetbetweenus.Ilikethatinmymeetings.Andyou'llbecloseenoughforarefillwhenyou'reready.”

Vickysmiled.Shefeltmorelikeherselfinanticipationofthisdiscussion—relaxedandreadytogetdowntotheworkathand—thanatanytimesinceherarrivalinDallas.Ironic,shethought.ThiscouldbeoneofthetoughestconversationsIneedtohave.

“Carlos,”shebegan.“I'msureyou'reawarethatthegroup'sresultshavebeendisappointingandthatit'sourjobtofixthat.Let'sbeginwithyoursenseofwhat'sworkingwellinyourareaandwherethingsneedattention.”

“SinceI'vecomeonasheadofproduction,we'vemadealotofprogress.MoralewasverybadwhenIarrived,andwe'vegotarealsenseoffamilynow.Peopleenjoycomingtoworkandworkinghere,Vicky,andthat'simportant.”

enjoycomingtoworkandworkinghere,Vicky,andthat'simportant.”

“Verytrue.Andwhataboutprogressinyourproductionnumbersandyourfinancials?

Carloshesitatedforaminuteandthenbegan.Hissmilewasmoreforced.“We'reacommittedworkforce.Mygangwilldowhateverittakes,andIknowwecandobetter.Ijustdidn'thavethatbefore.”

“That'simportantprogress,Carlos,”Vickysaidwithsincereappreciation,andshetookamomenttoletthatsinkin.

“It'sgoodthatyouseethat,”Carlossaid.

“Carlos,rightnowIneedyourhelpunderstandingsomeofthestatisticsI'veseenrecently.Howdoyoumakesenseofthecostoverruns?Misseddeliverytargets?Andweseemtohavequalityproblems.Toomuchreturnedmerchandise.What'shappeningthere?”

“Well,wow,”Carlosstuttered.“Tellme,Vicky,whatfiguresareyoulookingat?It'llbeeasierformetobehelpfulifIknowmorespecificallywhatyou'rereferringto.”

“Sure,”Vickyresponded,wonderingwhyCarloswouldbeaskinganewcomeraboutdataonhisoperation.“LetmesendyouthestatsthatI'vebeenstudyingandsomeadditionaldataonourexpensesforscrapandhazardouswastedisposal.Haveyoubeengettingthiskindofinformation?”

Carlosshookhisheadno.Thesmilewasnowcompletelygonefromhisface.

“Let'splantomeetagainonceyou'veseenthedata,andwe'llgooverthereports,”Vickyproposed.“Ineedyoutohelpmeunderstandwhatthosefiguresmean.”

“Absolutely.I'llstudythemallandhavetheanswersforyouinaweekorso.”

“Let'stryforthedayaftertomorrow,Carlos.Canyoucheckyourcalendarnowforwhenyou'refree?We'llwantafullhour.”

“Absolutely.Andmaybeweshouldpostponethetouruntilthen,too,Vicky,”Carlossaid.“It'llgivememoretimetoprepareforournextmeeting.Iwanttohelp.”

10THECHECK-INAPACKEDMORNING.MEETINGS.Theusualfloodofe-mail.Phoneringing.CallsfromCarlosseekingreassurance—orforgiveness.Self-promotionalupdatesfromMadison.AssortedgrumblesfromNathan.RamblingmessagesfromGene.AllpunctuatedbyperiodicgrowlsandedictsfromMichael—bye-mail,phone,orinperson—aboutfixingthingsandfixingthemfast.

VickyfrownedasthephonerangyetagainuntilshereadthecallerID.Thenshesmiledbroadly.

“Peter,”shesaid,skippingthehello.“Somegoodnews.I'mbeginningtomakeheadway.”

“Soundsgreat.”

“Likepeelinganonion.Onelayerafteranother.”

“Peelingonionscanmakeyoucry,Vicky.”

“True,butit'sworthafewtearsifyouliketheresults.”

“So,what'scooking?”

“Well,whenMichaelsaid‘motleycrew,’hewasn'texaggerating.”

“Nosurprise.”

“Anyoneofthesepeoplewouldbeachallenge.I'vegotawholeteam!Eachdifficultinadifferentway.”

“Sowhat'dyougetdealt?”

“Oh,”laughedVicky.“NotthefullhouseIwouldhaveliked.”

“Anyhighcards?”

“I'vegotabusinessofficerwho'sreallyontopofthings.Shehelpedmeseealotquickly.HadastackofdocumentsreadythatIwouldn'thaveevenknowntoaskfor.”

“Soundslikeakeeper.”

“Yes,”Vickysaid,thenquicklyadded,“Well…”

“You'renotsure?”

“You'renotsure?”

“Lin'ssmartandworkslikeabeaver.Butshecouldhavebeeninsilentmovies.Shyerthanachurchmouse,asthesayinggoes.Doesn'tlookyouintheeyes.Andsheneverspeaksup.”

“Isshegivingyouwhatyouneed?”

“Sofar.Buthowcanshesupporttheoperationifshe'stooshytotalktopeopleaboutwhatthenumbersshow?”VickywassurprisedtohearherselfrepeatingMadison'squestion.

“Needabigtalkeroragoodnumberscruncher?Anythingoffinwhatshegaveyou?”

“No.Justtheopposite.SheansweredquestionsIdidn'tknowtoask.”

“Hmm…”Peterdrewoutthesyllableandpaused.Inthesilence,Vickyfoundherselfwondering,sowhyamIuncomfortablearoundLin?Shescribbledherselfaquicknotetothinkfurtheronthat.

Peterbroughtherbacktotheconversation.“Okay.Whatabouttherest?”

“There'sNathan.HeheadsRandD.Asmartengineerandaworld-classcurmudgeon.He'ssoslowourcompetitorsarerunningrightoverus.”

“Anysensewhy?”

“He'sanengineer,Peter,”Vickysaid,andtheybothlaughed.“Helikestotinker,think,andmakethings.He'smeticulousandcareful,andproudofit.Doesn'tliketobebotheredandcan'tfigureoutwhypeopledon'tjustleavehimalone.”

“Soyou'relatetomarket?”

“We'relateoneverything,butit'snotjustNathan.There'sCarlosinproduction.Thenicestguyintheworld,andhiscrewwoulddoanythingforhim.Buthe'slost,andsoishisoperation.”

“Okay.Whoelse?”

“Gene.Maybeoneofthebestsalesmanagersofthelastcentury,butit'snotclearhecangiveuswhatweneednow.He'shazyaboutourproducts,andhedoesn'tseemtonoticeor,worseyet,care.Therumorishe'sarealdrinker.”

“Notgood.Howaboutmarketing?”

“Madison.”

“Greatnameforamarketer.”

“Andshe'sgoodinalotofways.Greatpresence.Articulate.Confident.But

“Andshe'sgoodinalotofways.Greatpresence.Articulate.Confident.Butmaybeevenbetteratpromotingherselfandthrowingothersoverboard.I'mnotsurehowmuchofthismesssheowns,andshe'snothelpingmefigurethatout.Worse,”Vickyadmittedwithsomereluctance,“I'mnotsureifIcantrusther.That'sthecrew.”

“You'vedonegooddetectivework.Nowthequestioniswhattodowithitall.Haveyougotyourproblempeopleplanoutlinedyet?”

“Notyet,”Vickysaidwithadeepsigh.Shewassuddenlybeginningtofeeljusthowtiredshereallywas.Petertooknoteofthesigh,andsaidnothingaboutit.

“Important,Vicky.You'llburnoutfastifyoudon'thaveaclearplantohelpyoucutthroughtheconfusion.”

“Iknow.Thisisn'tthefirsttimeyou'vegivenmethatadvice.”

“Inthemiddleofthefrayit'seasytogetcaughtupfightingeachnewfire,andforgetthattheplan'sthething.”

“You'reright.SohowaboutaquickreviewofPeter'sprinciplesforaproblempeopleplanforsomeonefeelingratherexhaustedatthemoment?”

“Sure,”heanswered,drawingthewordout.Vickylaughed.SheknewhemeantSURE,theacronymforthefourrulesofengagementforhandlingdifficultpeopleproblemsatwork.

“Let'sstartwithwhereyouare.”

“Well,I'msureworkinghard,”Vickyansweredwithalilt.SheknewPeterwouldenjoythat,anditfeltgoodtobringsomelevitytothesituation.“Tryingtogetthebigpicture.MakingsureI'mlookingatthefullsituationandnotjustindividuals.Notjumpingtoconclusions.”

“That'sgood.”

“I'vebeenmeetingwithpeople.Makingnotes.ThinkingaboutmyselfandhowI'mrespondingtowhat'sinfrontofme.Lookingforpatterns.Tryingtostayopentopossibilities.Learningalot.”

“Goodstart.Stop,look,andlearn.”PeterheardVickysighagain.“Youcuttingyourselfsomeslackhere?Thisisamarathon,youknow,notasprint.”

“Tryingto.”Vickiegroanedsoftly.“ButIfeelpeoplepushingmybuttonsateveryturn.Michaelwithhisputdownsanddemands.AndMadison'sself-promotionisgettingoldalready.Unhookingiseasttosay,hardtodo.”

“You'retrappedunlessyoucanunhook.”

“You'retrappedunlessyoucanunhook.”

“Iknow!Iknow!AndIfeelmoremyselfwhenIdoit.Betterabletogetperspective.LikeI'muponthebalconyandabletoseetheactiononthewholedancefloorbelow”

“Soyouseethefullpicture,notjustthewhirlaroundyou.”

“And,Ifeelmorehopefulaboutsortingthroughthemess.Abletotrysomenewthings—especiallywithMichael.IthinkI'mstartingtoheadintherightdirection.”

“WhatareyoudoingwithMichael?”

“Stop,look,andlearnisworkingforme.I'mstudyinghimandmyreactionstohim.Unhook.Heprovokesmeonewayoranothereverytimewemeet,butI'mtakingthetimeIneedtogetaholdofmyfeelingssoIcanstayontask.Revisethescript.Mynewscriptisproactivepositivity.I'mtryingtokillhimwithoptimismandgoodcheer.Andtheessenceofthepositivitystrategyisengagement—movetowardhimratherthanreactingtohislatestattack.”

“Soundslikeyou'rereadytostartdraftingthatplan.”

“Oh,Ialreadyhavedirectionsinmind,”Vickysaidquicklyandconfidently.“I'vemetindividuallywitheachoftheteam,andI'mabouttomakeanotherround.Clarifywhattheyneedtodotheirjobsbetter.MakeitclearthatIknowwhatthey'reupagainstandthatIwantthemtosucceed.”

“SoundslikeStep1ofPeter'sprinciplesforaproblempeopleplantome.It'lltellyouprettyquicklywhethertheproblemisindividualperformanceorsomethingmoresystemic.Anymore?”

“SetsmerightupforStep2.Findwaystoencouragepeopletolearnandgrow.”

“Soundslikeyouknowwhatyouneedtoworkon.”

“Let'shopeitworks.Otherwise,itmaybetimeforsomefarewells.”Vickytookadeepbreath.“ButIhopeitdoesn'tcometothat.”

“Ihopenot,too.Butbereadytofaceitifyouhaveto.”

Vickyfrowned.“Firingsomeoneisnevereasy.”

“No,butsometimesit'sthebestthingyoucando.Takeashotatyourplan,”Peteradded,“thengivemeacall.Choreographhowyouwanttoleadthedance,Vicky,andseehowtheyfollow.Let'shopeyou'llbedancingwithstars.”

INTERLUDE3LEARNINGWITHTENACITYVICKYAPPROACHESTHENEWJOBINDALLASwiththeskillsofagooddetectiveandthecalmpersistenceofsomeonewhoenjoyspuzzles.Bothserveherwell.Startinganewjobisdifficultunderthebestofcircumstances.Aturnaroundassignmentwithanunderperformingteamandabullyingbosscouldeasilybecomeatrainwreck.AnyoneinVicky'sshoesmightfeeltemptedtograbatquickfixesorsuccumbtodoubtsaboutthewisdomoftakingonDallas.ButVickystaysfocusedandopen:determinedtogetafullandaccuratepictureofwhatsheisupagainst.Shesurfacesnewinformationanddifferentconcernsineachmeetinganddemonstratespatienceandadoggedfocusonlearningabouthercoworkers,herself,andthesituation.

Vicky'sapproachprovidesaninstructiveexampleofusingtheSUREmodel.Intheearlygoing,shetenaciouslyembraceslearningandputsparticularemphasisonthefirsttworulesofengagement,usinginsightsgainedfromthemtoinformherchoicesintheothertwo.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:Questions,Answers,MoreQuestions

InherearlydaysinDallas,Vickyfocusesonstudyingthesystemandtheindividuals,probinghowothersseethemselves,eachother,andthesituation.IntalkingtoMichaelandmembersofherteam,shehearsconflictingstoriesaboutwhat'swrong,whatneedstobefixed,andwhatsheshoulddo.Sheworksatmakingsenseofallthisandavoidsquickjudgmentsaboutwhoorwhatisright.Shetestsherassumptionsandevolvingassessmentswithindividuals,askingquestions,andgaugingtheirreactions.

VickyissurprisedtolearninhermeetingwithCarlos,forexample,thatheishazyaboutthedataonhisoperation.Shecomesawaywithspecificquestionstotestanddiscussattheirnextmeeting.DoesCarloshavethetrainingandsupporttodothejob?Ishegettingtheinformationheneedsandinatimelyfashion?Doesheknowhowtounderstandanduseit?ExploringtheseissuesenablesVickytoclarifythepresentandplanformovingahead.ItalsogivesheropportunitiestogiveCarlosfeedbackonhiscurrentperformance,assesshisopennesstolearning,andcoachhimtowardwhereheneedstobe.Diagnosingsituationsislikegooddetectivework:aniterativeprocessofcollectinginformation,figuringoutwhatittellsyou

iterativeprocessofcollectinginformation,figuringoutwhatittellsyou(anddoesn't),andtestinghunchesaboutwhat'shappeningandwhatmoreyouneedtoknow.

Vickyappreciatesthatorganizationsarecomplexsystems,andassemblesalltheinformationshecan:Lin'sanalyses,Michael'spersonnelfiles,notesfromteammeetings,individualinterviewswitheachmemberoftheteam,andmore.Shealsorecordsherobservations,feelings,andreactionsateachturn—awaytocheckhermemoryandkeeptrackoftheaction.Vickyusesaprocessofsystematicallycollectingdata,interpretingit,andtakingaction,recognizingthatshe'lllearnmoreasshegoesalong.Goodsense-makingisattheheartofgoodleadership1—andvitalinamessysituationlikeDallas.

Vickynotices,forexample,thatCarlosispositive,enthusiastic,andbelovedbyhissubordinates.Sheenjoysherinteractionswithhim,andheseemsopentoworkingcloselywithherandothers.Thatleavesthequestionofwhythedismaloperationalresults.MadisongivesheracluewhenshedescribesCarlosashavingcomeupthroughtheranksand“inoverhishead.”ThatpointstopossiblelearninggapsforCarlosandquestionsVickycanexploretotesthisabilitiesandpotential.

Brandingothersasdifficultisatemptingwaytosimplify,butjumpingtoconclusionscanblockyoufromfindingwaystostopbadbehaviorandencouragemoreproductivecontributions.Akeytestofagenuinelydifficultpersoniswhethertheproblematicbehaviorisrigidanduninfluenceable.Doestheindividuallearnoradaptinresponsetofeedbackorclearexpectations?Wasthereaparticularincidentorsetofcircumstancesthattriggeredthebehaviorpattern?Doestheindividual'sbehaviorvarywithdifferentpeopleorcircumstances?Indicationsthatthebehaviorcanbealteredofferhopeforawin-win,2andVickybeginstoseehopeforCarlos.

Vickyalsounderstandstheimportanceoflookinginthemirrortoseparatewhat'sherfromwhat'snot.Whenothersseemunreasonable,uncooperative,orineffective,it'simportanttorememberthattheymayseeyouastheproblem—andtheymayberight.Theremaybefeedbackthatyouarenothearingorthingsyouaredoingthatelicitunhelpfulresponsesfromothers.Youmaybeoverrespondingtobehaviorsthatyoualoneseeastroublesomeorthattriggersomeunresolvedlifeissuesforyou.Ifso,changinghowyoubehavemayquicklyalleviatetheproblemsyouseeinothers.

2. Unhook:AMentorHelps

VickyisfortunatetohavePeterasaguideandally.Goingitalonemakesit

VickyisfortunatetohavePeterasaguideandally.Goingitalonemakesithardtoescapeemotionalturmoilandgetthedistanceandperspectiveyouneedtounderstandyourcontributiontothesituation—ortogetthesupporttoenduregruelingcircumstances.Ifyoudon'thaveareadymentorlikePeter,lookforsomeoneyoucanconsult:acurrentorformerboss,trustedcolleague,professionalcoach,formerteacher,orgoodfriend.Wantingtolearnandlookingforhelparesignsofstrongprofessionalism,notweakness.TheyarealsovitalformanagingcomplexsituationslikethoseVickyfoundinDallas—andforstayingbothgroundedandsaneasyoudo.Peoplewhothinkandactinwayswewishtheydidn'toftenfallintoourlives.Thereisnoeasyescapeorquickfix.Thecentralquestionishowtorespond.Vickyoffersamodelofself-reflectionandempoweredengagementassheappliestheSUREprinciplesanddeepensherunderstandingofherselfandhercircumstances

3. RevisetheScript:Calm,AssertiveLeadership

Vickyhasinheritedanunderperforming,chaoticoperationandknowsshehastoorchestrateachangeinthescript.ShebeginsbywritinganewoneforherselfthatbreakshistoricalpatternsintheDallasoffice.InsteadofmirroringMichael'stop-down,badger-and-blameleadership,Vickyapproachesherteamwithanemphasisonlearning,opencommunication,validinformation,andteamwork.

Inherinitialmeetingswithmembersofherteam,Vickyusesacombinationofpersonalwarmth,clarityofpurpose,andastrongdesiretolearn.ShecomplimentsMadisonforherofficedécorandCarlosforhiscoffee,andasksbothofthemtoughquestions.Shediscoversanumberofrecurrentpatterns—oldscriptsthatindividualscontinuedtofollowdespitepoorresults.Noonesetsouttofail,butpeopleoftenpersistinfollowingunproductivescriptswhentheylackclearfeedbacktohelpthemseetheneedforchangeortheydon'thavetheknowledge,skills,orconfidencetodosomethingdifferent.Lin,forexample,issuperbatcollectingandanalyzingdata,andweakatgettinganyonetopayattentiontoherwork.VickysuggestssharingLin'sdatawiththeentireteam,andLin'ssmileindicatesherpleasureatbeingencouragedtoassumeamoreproactiverole.Carlosuseshisgenialityandinterpersonalskillstomaskhismanagerialandtechnicaldeficiencies.Vickyinterruptshisscriptbyarrangingforhimtogetthedataheneedsandinsistingthathereviewthenumberswithher—sooner,ratherthanlater.Vicky'scalmyetassertiveleadershippullsteammembersintothesearchforanswers,andhelpsthemseewaystoplaytheirrolesmoreeffectively.

rolesmoreeffectively.

4. Engage:BuildRelationshipsofSharedAccountability

Vickyhasenteredanofficecultureofdefensiveness,competition,mistrust,andmutualblame.Everyoneknowstheunitisfailingandblamessomeoneelse.Noonefeelspersonallyresponsiblefortheproblemsorasolution,andtherevolvingdoorofpeopleinVicky'spositionsuggeststhatherpredecessorshavebeenaxedforfailingtoperformanearlyimpossiblejob.Insteadofpouringmoreblameandcriticismintothemix,Vicky'sactionsconveythatsheexpectseveryonetobepartofthesolution.Sheapproacheseachindividualwithamessageof,“Helpmelearnhowwecanworkbettertogether.”Shemeetsteammembersintheirownoffices—asmallbutimportantsymbolicgesture,asCarlosnoteswhenhetellsherithasbeenalongtimesinceabossvisited.Vickyasksopen-endedquestionssuchas,“Whereshouldwebegin?”beforezeroinginwithmorespecificandpointedoneslike,“Aretherethingsyou'dliketoimprove?”Shelistensandcheckstomakesuresheunderstandswhatpeoplearetellingher.Sheofferssupport,butleavesnodoubtthatsheexpectspeoplewilldotheirjobsanddothemwell.

Vickycertainlyhaschallengesaheadandmoretolearn.Sofar,sheisinvestingmostofhertimeandenergyinscoutingandconveyingthatanewdayisdawning.Peterremindsherthatit'stimetosketchouthergameplan.It'stemptingtowanttoknowwhereeveryskeletonandbombisburied,butit'safalsehopethatcankeepyoustuck.Informationisalwaysincomplete,butVickyisgettingcleareraboutwheretobegin.Sheneedstokeepgoing.Theplancanhelpheravoidtheriskoffightingfiresastheyeruptaroundher,usingpreciousresources—includingtimeandsocialcapital—onactionsthatmaydolittletoaddresstherootcausesofherproblems.OnceVickyhashergameplaninplace,shestillneedstoexecuteit.Butsheisbuildingrelationshipsandcredibilitywithherteamandlayingastrongfoundationfortheworktocome.Thosearevitalassetsasshemovesahead.

Notes

1.JoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008),chapter13(“MakingSenseofOrganizations:Leadership,Frames,andEverydayTheoriesoftheSituation”).

2.RobertBramson,CopingwithDifficultPeople:TheProven-EffectiveBattlePlanThatHasHelpedMillionsDealwiththeTroublemakersinTheirLivesatHomeandatWork(NewYork:Dell,1988),chapter9.

PARTIVTHEPLOTTHICKENS

11CLARITYVICKYSATATHERDESK,puzzlingoverallshewaslearning.SohowmuchofwhatI'mseeing—Nathan'snegativity,Gene'shaziness,Carlos'scluelessness,Lin'sreticence,Madison'sslickness—isthem,andhowmuchissituational?Fuzzyexpectations.Weakaccountability.Traininggaps.Strategyvacuum.Arevolvingdoorofbosses.I'lldigusallindeeperifItrytofixthingsbeforeIknowwhattherealproblemsare.Shebegantowritenotesonthetabletinfrontofher.

Suddenly,Vickystoppedwriting.Shefeltherselfgettingtenseandtookamomenttothinkaboutwhatthatmeant.Shetookadeepbreath.

Ononehand,Iwanttobefairtoeveryone,shethought.Idon'twanttofirefolksforthewrongreason.DoIhavethewrongplayers?Oraworkplacethat'sbringingouttheworstinfolks?IfIjustblamemymotleycrew,Imightmissopportunitiestoratchetupperformance.Shejotteddownafewmorenotesforherself.

Ontheotherhand,Vickyadmitted,ifIdon'tsolvethepeopleissues,thebusinessandIarebothsunk.ThedepartmentwillgrindtoahaltifIfireeveryone,butI'mnomagician.EvenifIcanbringoutthebestineachofthem,willthatbeenough?Shewasfeelingmoresympathyforherpredecessorsandmoredeterminedthanevertoavoidtheirfate.Herrenewedresolvebuoyedher.

Iknowhowtoshapeuprulesandroles,sheaffirmed.Distinguishbetweenstructuralglitchesandpersonalities.That'smystartingpoint.It'salwayseasierandcheapertostrengthentheteamyouhavethantofireeveryoneandhavetohireandtrainahostofnewpeople.Sheturnedtothefilesspreadacrossherdesk.

Alwaysstartwithwhatyouknow,shethought—andshecouldalmosthearPeter'svoice.SowhatdoIhave?Shereviewedthefolders.Lin'snumbers.ThepersonnelfilesMichaelgaveher.Thethingspeoplesaidaboutoneanother.Herobservationsfromwatchingfolksinmeetings.TheearlymaterialsshegotaboutDallas.Ihavemorethanenoughtodevelopapreliminarypicture,shethoughttoherself.ThenIcangetbackwitheachindividual,fillinthegaps,testmyperceptions,andtalkaboutthefuture.Jobdescriptions.Performancegoals.Trainingneeds.Vickylikedthedirectionofherevolvingplan.

AndcoachingfolksthroughStep1couldbefun,Vickythoughtwithasmile.It'llgivemeachancetogettoknoweveryonebetter—andthem,me.Havehonestconversations.Clarifyexpectations.Seehowtheyrespond.Let'shopemostofthemcanstepuptotheplate!Ifnot.…Vickystoppedherself.Well,I'llcrossthatbridgewhenIgettoit.

Peter'sclosingwordsintheirlastconversationechoed.Howwouldsheleadthedance?He'sright,Vickythought.Shesmiledasshethought:maybeit'stimeforthewaltzqueentolearntotango.

12CHECKINGITTWICEITHELPEDVICKYTOSEEthatshehadoptionsandadirection.Shespenttherestofthedayworkingonthedetailsofherdifficultpeopleplan.ShecalledPeterfirstthingthenextmorning.

“Areyoureadytohearmyplan?”sheasked.

“I'mready.Goforit.”

“I'vegottofigurehowtobringoutthebestineachofthem.”

“Youhopingtosavethemall?”

“Ideally,yes.Idon'tknowyetifIcan.ButIwanttogiveeveryoneachance.”

“Sowhereareyougoingtostart?”

“Alreadydid.Beensortingouthowmuchistheindividualsandhowmuchisthechaosthey'vebeenlivingin.

“And?”

“Iansweredsomenaggingquestionsaboutoperations.Carloswasthrowninatthedeependbeforehegotaswimminglesson.Withsometraining,hemaybeuptothejob.”

“Soundsgood.Sowhereyougoingnext?”

“IkeepthinkingofLin.Shehasgreatknowledgeofthebusiness,andshedoesaprettygoodjobofhidingit.Iwishshewereeasiertotalkwith,moreassertive,moreofaleader.”

“Morelikeyou?”

“Iguess,”VickysaidslowlyasshethoughtaboutthetruthinPeter'squestion.“Ijustdon'tlikefeelingthatIhavetodragstuffoutofher.AndIreallyneedhertoshareherknowledgewiththeteam.Shewon'tdoitunlessshe'sasked.”

“Sowhynotaskher?”

Peter'squestionstoppedVicky.Thenithither.“Ofcourse.Yes.”

Thesilenceattheotherendofthelinetoldhertokeepgoing.

“Sure.Icouldtalkwithherone-on-onebeforemeetings.TellherwhatIneed

“Sure.Icouldtalkwithherone-on-onebeforemeetings.TellherwhatIneedfromherandthatI'llcallonherforit.Coachherinadvancesoshe'sreadytoanswer.TheninviteherinwhenIneedherinput.”

“Thinkshecandoit?”

“Actually,yes.”

“It'snotalwayseasy,butIfindIgetbetterresultswhenImovetoward,notawayfrom,folkswhosestylesreallychallengeme.Let'syouseewhat'sreallythere.YouandLinmayfindawaytoworktogetherwhereyoubothfeelmorecomfortable.”

“Movetoward.Yes.Goodreminder.”

“Mygifttoyou.Next?”

“FindingabetterwaytorelatetoNathan.Hereallygetstomeforsomereason.Inourone-on-ones,Itrytostaycalm.Buthiscranky,no-way-nothing-differentattitudeistoughtotake.Sonegative.Noenthusiasm.I'veneverbeenabletohandlethatstuffwell.”

“Hardestpeopletodealwitharetheoneswhopushourbuttons.Knowthyself.”

“Soundslikeanotherlectureonthebenefitsofunhookingcoming,”Vickyjoked.

“Idon'tthinkyouneedit.Youalreadyknowit'soneofthehardestpartsofaleader'sjob.”

VickyfoundherselfneedingtogoonaboutNathan.“Thequestionishow.Hebringsouttheworstinme.”

“That'swhatmakesdifficultpeopledifficult.Youdon'tlikewhatthey'redoing,butyougettiedupinknotsandyou'reatyourworstwhenyouneedtobeatyourbest.”

“ThatIget,butwhatdoIdoaboutit?”

“HowwouldyourespondtoNathanifyouwereatyourbest?”

“I'dtrytocalmlytalktohimaboutmyconcerns—ourslow-to-marketrate,howhethinkswecanturnthataround.”

“Whatkeepsyoufromdoingthat?”

VickythoughtaboutPeter'squestionbeforeanswering.“IfI'mhonestwithmyself,Ijustdon'twanthimgrowlingatme.”

“Howisthatdifferentfromwhatyou'refacingwithMichael?”

“Notvery.”

“Notvery.”

“AndwhatdoyoudowithMichael?”

“Avoidhead-oncollisions.Trytoaskgoodquestions.RememberheneedsmeasmuchasIneedhim.”

“AndwouldthatworkwithNathan?”

“It'sworthatry.AndIneedtosetclearexpectations.Makesureheunderstandsthem.Nobigsurprisethathe'sgoneofftrackwhennoone'stoldhimwhatheneedstodoorholdshimaccountablefordoingit.”

“Yourdifficultpeopleplaniscomingtogether.Youneedtobeproudofthat,”Petersaid.“But,Vicky…”

“Yes?”

“Remember,don'tinvestinlostcauses.Youhavetoknowwhentohold.Andwhentofold.”

“I'mworkingonthat.AndPeter…”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.”

Theyendedtheircall,andVickygotrighttowork.Shesetupmeetingswitheachofherpeople.Thewaycalendarslinedup,itturnedoutthatCarloswasupfirst.

13PRODUCTION“READYFORTHETOUR?”Carlossoundedupbeat,buthelookednervous.

“Sure,”Vickyreplied.“Leadon.”

“You'llstartwithsomecoffee?”

“HowcanIpassupthebestbrewinthebuilding?”

Vickywaseagertoseetheproductionoperationandmeetthestaff.ShewasevenmoreeagertocheckhertakeonCarlos.Whyishisoperationoutofcontrol?Couldheturnitaround?Let'shopeso,Vickythought.ThethoughtoffiringCarloswasalmosttoodreadfultocontemplate.

Theproductionfloorlookedfamiliar—highceilings,fluorescentlights,dozensofworkstations.Everyonelookedtobehardatwork,butVickysensedafranticquality.

Theywereaccostedalmostimmediatelybyasmiling,squatblondwoman.

“Who'sourguesttoday,Carlos?”sheaskedcheerfully.“IsthisVicky?”Withoutwaitingforareply,sheintroducedherself.“I'mNina.Qualitymanager.It'sgreattomeetyou.”

“I'mpleasedtomeetyou,Nina.I'dlovetolearnmoreaboutourqualityprogram.”

“Anythingyouwanttoknow.We'remakingprogress.Maybeslowerthanwehoped,butwekeeptrying.Notthereyet.”

“Nina'sdoingagreatjobsinceshetookoverquality,”Carlosinterjected.“Andshe'sonlybeeninthejobforlessthanayear.”

“Tellme,Nina,whatwereyoudoingbeforeyoubecameourqualitymanager?”

“Iwasashiftsupervisorhere.”

“Shewasourbest,Vicky.NinaandIarebothupfromtheranks,”Carlosadded.

“I'mcurious,”Vickyasked,“HaveyoudoneanythingwithSixSigma?ISO9001?”

NinaandCarloslookedatoneanother.Neitherlookedcomfortable.

“Well,”Carlosstammeredafterapause,“we'velookedatthatstuff.Butwe'reso

“Well,”Carlosstammeredafterapause,“we'velookedatthatstuff.Butwe'resobusytryingtokeeptheflowgoing,wehaven'thadtimetofigureoutifanyofitwouldhelp.ThatISOstuffisrealcomplicated.Lotsofforms.We'rekindofcommonsenseonthefloor.Youknow,justgetitdone.”

“I'dbettergetbacktowork.Greattomeetyou,Vicky.”Ninapeeledoffdownanaisleofworkstations.

“Carlos,”Vickysaid,tryingtosoundaspositiveasshecould.“IthinkIcanhelp.First,I'dliketobringinaconsultanttoworkwithyou,takealookattheoperations,makerecommendations.”

“WillMichaelbuyit?”

“Whynot?”

“Well,aboutayearagoIaskedTedaboutgettingaconsultant.Andsometrainingformypeople.HesaidheneededtocheckwithMichael.Itneverhappened.”

“I'llclearitwithMichael.Carlos,I'mimpressedbyalotofwhatI'mseeing.Yourrelationshipwithyourpeople.There'sarealespritdecorps.”

“Thanks,Vicky.Weusedtohavealotoflaborstrife,soI'mproudofwhatwe'vebeenabletodo.”

“ThatIsee.Butyou'veseenthenumbers.We'vegottoimproveourcostsandquality.”

“Youhavetounderstand,we'reallworkingveryhardonthat.”

“Tobehonest,Carlos,Ithinkyou'redoingagreatjobonwhatyouknowhowtodo—buildagreatsenseoffamily,workforceloyalty.Iknowyou'reworkinghardanddoingthebestyoucan.Butwehavetogetyouthehelpyouneedtoturnthisintoafirst-classproductionoperation.”

Vickysawthepaininhisface.Shewaitedforhimtorespond.

“Iknowthat,Vicky.I'veknownitforalongtime.But,it'sbeenprettychaoticandnotthemostsupportiveinrecentyears.IneverfeltitwassafetoadmitthatIdidn'tknowsomething.”

“Wehavetochangethat,Carlos.Goingforward,weneedtomeeteveryweek.Reviewyourresults.Talkabouthowwecanworktogetherandmakethisoperationbetter.”

“Soundsgood.Verygood,”Carlossaid,breathingasignofrelief.“Andbeforeyougo,Vicky,letmegetyouafreshcupofcoffee.”

yougo,Vicky,letmegetyouafreshcupofcoffee.”

Vickyleftfeelingmoreoptimisticthanwhenshearrived.Carlosissmart,andthegoodnewsisthatheknowsheneedshelp,shetoldherself.Ifwecangivehimthetrainingandtechnicaltoolsheneedsandholdhishandforawhile,Ithinkhe'llmakeit.Isincerelyhopeso,anyway.

INTERLUDE4LEADINGWITHPURPOSEFINDINGAWAYOUTOFHELLISoftenadefiningmomentfororganizationalleaders—a“crucibleexperience”inthewordsofleadershipguruWarrenBennis.1Successrequirestheabilitytopersistwhenthegoinggetsroughandtoofferothersaneffectivepathforward.Successfulleadersfindwaystolearnfromnegativeeventsandhelpothersdothesame.Asaresult,they—andtheirorganizations—emergestrongerandwiser,confirmingtothemselvesandthosearoundthemthattheyhavetherightstuffforextraordinaryimpact.

InThePrince,2Machiavellinotesthatcrisisreducesresistanceandopensthepossibilityofdeepchange.Vicky'schallengeisfindingtherightcoursewhileinthemiddleofthestorm.Herskillatusingthefourrulesofengagementsuggeststhatheroperationcanemergeasaverydifferentandstrongerworkplace.Whenleaderslearn,organizationsoftendoaswell.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:StudyPeopleinContext

Vickywiselyworkstoseparatethepeoplefromthesituation.Ineffectivenessthatlooksatfirstglancelikeaproductofindividualflawsisoftenrootedinsituationalpressures.Whenthatisthecase,changingtheplayersmaychangenothing.Organizationalroles,rules,andstructuresinfluenceindividualactions,sometimesinwaystheactorsthemselvesdon'tsee.3Incaseslikethese,leadersneedtounderstandandrepairstructuralfeatureslikerules,procedures,andjobdescriptions.

Itistempting,forexample,toblameCarlosforthequalityandexpenseproblemsinhisoperation.Afterall,heisthemanagerincharge.Butiftheorganizationhasfailedtoprovidewhatheneedstodohisjobeffectively,thatproblemneedstobesolvedfirst.VickyseesthatCarlosisdoingwellonwhatheknowshowtodo.Moraleisup,andhehasdevelopedaloyalworkforce.ShealsorealizesthatpastbosseshavenotconsistentlysharedLin'sdatawithhim,norhavetheyconfirmedthatheknewhowtointerpretandusetheinformationhehad.Carlosandhisqualitymanager,Nina,bothcameupthroughtheranks,andCarlosadmitsthatheisinexperiencedinvariousqualityprogramsandsystems.Ashappenstoooften,Carloswaspromotedandthenlefttosinkorswimonhisown.

Vickyknowsbetterthantostartbyblamingpeople.That'sthesimplisticwaythatmanagersoftendiagnoseanyproblem.4Pinpointingaculpritiscomfortingandquick.Butitcanblockyoufromseeingsituationalfactorsthatmaybemoreimportant,anditleavesyouwithfewerworkableoptions.CarlosrespondswelltoVicky'sofferthattheymeetandworkmorecloselytogether.Hetrustsherenoughtoaskforhelpandadmithisfearofacknowledgingweakness.Aftercarefulstudy,VickyconcludesthatgivingCarloscoaching,training,andbetterdatamayleadtotheimprovementsheneeds.Goingforward,she'llkeepaneyeonhisprogresstogaugewhetherthatoptimismisjustified.

Goodsituationalassessmentisalsoinformedbyarespectfordiversityinitsmanyforms.AgoodexampleisLin,whosereservedstylemaylenditselftowhatLinlikesdoing—solonumberscrunching.PeterhelpsVickyseethatherproblemwithLinisasmuchaboutVicky'scomfortasaboutLin'scompetenceinthebasicsofherjob.Weallenjoyworkingwithpeoplewhosestylesmeshwellwithourown.Butcomfortisadangerouscriterionforassessingperformanceandcanpurgeanorganizationofvitaldifferencesthatarethewellspringofinnovationandchange.Theworldgrowsincreasinglydiverseandwithittheimportanceofdistinguishingwhatisdifficultfromwhatisdifferent.

Culturaldifferences,forexample,maybeatplaybetweenLinandVicky.ResearchonworkplacebehaviorfindsthatemployeeswithEastAsianbackgrounds,forexample,areoften(thoughnotalways)moredeferenttothebossandlesslikelytoinitiatethantheirWesternpeers.5Theycanalsoexhibitcommunicationpatternsthatdifferfromthejump-in,talk-over,rough-and-tumblespeechpatternsfoundinmanyWesterncultures.Differencesamongnationalculturesareonlyoneofmanydimensionsofdiversitythatplayasignificantroleintheworkplace.Gender,race,ethnicity,educationalbackground,earlylifeexperiences,developmentalperspectives,andotherdifferencesallinfluencehowweperceiveandrelatetoothersatwork.

IfwelookatLin'sbehaviorthroughadiversitylens,ittakesonnewmeaningandconfirmsthevalueofVicky'ssuggestedcoachingstrategy.AllthesignsindicatethatLinisgreatwithnumbersanddetails,andwantstodoagoodjob.Knowingthatherbosswantshertoshareinformationwiththeteam—andtoinitiatetogetthedatasheneedstodothat—setsclearexpectationsforLin.PreparingLininadvanceforstaffmeetingsencourageshertolearnnewbehaviors.Evenskilledandmotivatedpeople

encourageshertolearnnewbehaviors.Evenskilledandmotivatedpeoplewillbehardputtoperformasneededunlesstheyknowwhattheirjobisandhowtheirbossexpectsthemtodoit.Clarityofexpectationsmakesiteasiertointervenewhensomeonegoesofftrack.Italsomakesiteasiertoidentifyagenuinelydifficultperson.

Vicky'scoachinggoalto“bringoutthebest”ineachindividualhasteamimplications,andteammemberswillneedVicky'shelplearningnewwaysofseeingandworkingwithoneanother.LinmaybecomemoreproactivewithVicky'shelp,andotherswillneedtolearntorespondpositivelytothatandtoVicky'sexpectationsthattheywilllistenandtakeheed.Teamdynamicscansupportorimpedeindividuallearninganddevelopment.

2. Unhook:CultivateMentalStrengthandStrategies

PeterconfirmswhatVickyisalreadyfeeling:unhookingisoneofthehardestpartsofaleader'sjob—anditisanongoingtask.ShemaygrumbletoPeteraboutNathanandMichaelpushingherbuttons,butVickyshowsremarkableabilitytostaygroundedandtask-focused.Fourofherstrategiesarehelpfultoaddtoyourrepertoireofskills.

1. Treatdifficultpeopleasyouwouldotherswithwhomyoufeelcomfortable.Difficultpeopleevokestressanddiscomfortthatcauseyoutorelatetothemdifferently.Youfeartheirbehaviorandhowyoufeelinthefaceofit,andseektoavoidthedistress.Thatlaunchesapatternofawkwardavoidance.Thinkabouthowyouwouldapproachthesameconversationifyouweretalkingwithaclosefriendorcolleague.Whatwouldyousay?Howwouldyousayit?Dothesamewithyourdifficultperson.

2. Askquestions.WehavenotedthatVickyisamasterofinquiry.Ithelpsherlearn,andconveyshersincereinterestinothers.Botharepathstoatrustingrelationship.Suspendingjudgmentencouragesincreasedcandor.Buildingarelationshipwithdifficultothersmakesthemlessscaryandunpredictable.

3. Listenactively.Itisaworkplacestaplethatbossesclaimtolisten,yetneverdoanythingaboutwhatthey'vebeentold.Vickyemploysaniterativeprocessoflisteningcarefully,testingforunderstanding,andthenclosingtheloopbyrespondingtowhatshehears.Activelisteninghasrootsintheperson-centeredtherapyandpersonalgrowthtechniquespioneeredbyCarlRogersmorethan75yearsago,andisaprovenwaytoboostproblemsolvingcapabilities.Yourdifficultpersonmaybedifficult

becausenoonelistens!

4. Trackwhatworks.VickynotesafterherfirstmeetingwithMichaelthatquestionsworkwithhim.SheplanstotestifthesamemightbetruewithnegativeNathan.Theseareexamplesofthevalueofkeepingnotesandreflectingonpatterns.

Vickyseemsblessedwithmentalstrength,whichpsychologistAmyMorindescribesastheabilitytoregulateyouremotions,manageyourthoughts,andbehaveinapositivemannerdespitethedifficultsituationsandpeopleyoumayface.6Everyoneenjoyssomedegreeofmentalstrength,andthere'salwaysroomformore.VickymakesgooduseofeachtalkwithPetertobuildhers.

Enhancingyourmentalstrengthrequiresathree-prongedapproach:replacingirrationalthoughtsorfearswithmorerealisticassessments,behavinginapositivemannerwhentemptedotherwise,andcontrollingyouremotionssotheydon'tcontrolyou.It'snotaboutactingtough,buryingfeelings,oremulatingPollyanna.Rather,it'saboutauthenticity:knowingwhoyouare,whatyoubelieveandvalue,andhowtocontrolyourfeelingsandbehaviorforaproductiveresponsetowhatevercomesyourway.

3. ReviseScripts:SeeProgress,FindJoy

InherfirstroundofmeetingswithMichaelandhernewteam,Vickyreliesonascriptfocusedmostlyoninquiry:askingquestionsandlisteningtogetareadontheindividualsandcircumstances.Thenshetooktimetoreviewwhatshewaslearning,planhowtomoveforward,andchecksignalswithPeter.Sheemergeswithanewscriptthatretainstheelementsofinquiryandlistening,butaddsgentleconfrontationandsettingnewdirections.HermeetingwithCarlosisherfirsttousethisnewapproach.Inroundone,sheencouragesotherstoleadandshetriestofollow.NowVickyisreadytotaketheleadherself.

BothVickyandPeter,however,noticesignsofhergrowingfatigue.Burnoutisinevitableinsituationslikeherswithoutwaystosustainstaminaanddrive.Takingpleasureinsmallsuccessesandfindingjoyinthemiddleofthestormbothhelp:Vickyrecognizing,forexample,thefunincoachingLinandothersisamoveintherightdirection.Nourishingthesoulandsustaininghealthandvitalityareongoingleadershipchallenges.7Theyarevitalwhennavigatingroughwaters.

4. Engage:MoveToward,NotAway

PeterremindsVickythatitiscounterintuitivebutvitaltoreachouttothosewhoconfuseortroubleus.Movingtowarddifficultpeople—gettingtoknowthembetterandtryingtolearnmoreabouttheirneeds,concerns,choices,andfeelings—cangoalongwaytowardimprovingarelationship.Ifindividualsfeelbetterunderstood,respected,andappreciated,theyarebetterabletohearfeedbackandmorewillingtoengageinfruitfuldiscussion.Vickywon'tfindoutifLin,forexample,caninteractdifferentlywithherorwiththeteambypullingbackfromsomeoneshefinds“shyerthanachurchmouse.”Bymovingcloser,VickycanencourageLintocontributeinwaysVickyneedsandidentifystrategiesthatfitforLin.ShealsodemonstratesarespectforLinandconfidenceinherabilitiestogrowinthejob.Continueddialoguemayenablebothwomentodiscovernewwaystoworktogether.

Similarly,VickyisputoffbyMadison'spatternofcritiquingeveryonebutherself;itwon'thelpforVickytopullback.Shemayloseatalentedcontributor,andMadisonwon'tlearnhowtostrengthenherteamskills.Reachingoutisalsoagooddiagnosticdevicetoseewhetheryouaredealingwithsomeonewhocanrespondtoclearfeedbackandrationaldialogue,asopposedtoacandidateforseparation,counseling,orseriousprofessionalintervention.

Movingtowardadifficultpersondoesn'tmeanfalseintimacyorcolludingininappropriatebehavior.Itisaprocessofshowinggenuineinterestinanothersoastounderstandhimorherbetter.Managerswhodevelopgreaterrapportwiththeircoworkershaveabetterchanceatinfluencingthem.Evendifficultpeoplelistenbettertothosewhodemonstrateanethicofinterestandconcern.

Notes

1.WarrenBennisandRobertJ.Thomas,“ResilienceandtheCruciblesofLeadership,”inJoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008),chapter39.AversionofthischapterisaccessibleattheHarvardBusinessReviewwebsite,accessedDecember2,2015athttps://hbr.org/2002/09/crucibles-of-leadership.

2.NiccoloMachiavelli,ThePrince,ProjectGutenbergeversion(W.K.Marriott,Translator,2012),www.gutenberg.org/files/1232/1232-h/1232-h.htm.

3.Inhisclassicbook,organizationalpsychologistBarryOshryprovidesahelpfulunderstandingofsystemdynamicsandthereasonsforourblindnesstothem.Heidentifiesthehumantendencyforpeopletoseeonlywhatisaroundthem(spatialblindness)andtoignoremuchofthepast(temporalblindness).SeeBarryOshry,SeeingSystems:UnlockingtheMysteriesofOrganizationalLife(SanFrancisco:Berrett-Koehler,1995);MichaelSales,“LeadershipandthePowerofPosition:UnderstandingStructuralDynamicsinEverydayOrganizationalLife,”inJoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008,chapter14buildsonOshry'sworkandillustrateshowandwhyorganizationalroleselicitpredictablebehaviors.BolmanandDealhavecreatedaclassroomsimulationbasedonOshry'swork,andcanelicitpredictablebehaviorsbasedonone'sroleandlevelinthehierarchy.SeeLeeG.BolmanandTerrenceE.Deal,“ASimplebutPowerfulPowerSimulation,”Exchange:TheOrganizationalBehaviorTeachingReviewIV,no.3(Summer1979):38–41,www.leebolman.com/Teaching%20materials/B%20&%20D%20Exchange%20Power%20Simulation%202%20Column.pdf

4.LeeG.BolmanandTerrenceE.Deal,ReframingOrganizations:Artistry,ChoiceandLeadership,4thed.(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008),chapter2(23–40).

5.Researchonindividual-organizationalfitacrossculturesprovidesinterestinginsights.See,forexample,I.S.Oh,R.P.Guay,K.Kim,C.M.Harold,J.H.Lee,C.G.Heo,andK.H.Shin,“FitHappensGlobally:AMeta-AnalyticComparisonoftheRelationshipsofPerson-EnvironmentFitDimensionswithWorkAttitudesandPerformanceAcrossEastAsia,Europe,andNorthAmerica,”PersonnelPsychology67,no.1(2014):99–152.PopularpressreviewsofresearchtrendsincludeSylviaAnnHewlett,“AsiansinAmerica:

What'sHoldingBackthe‘ModelMinority?’”ForbesWomanOnline,July28,2011,www.forbes.com/sites/sylviaannhewlett/2011/07/28/asians-in-america-whats-holding-back-the-model-minority.

6.AmyMorin,13ThingsMentallyStrongPeopleDon'tDo:TakeBackYourPower,EmbraceChange,FaceYourFears,andTrainYourBrainforHappinessandSuccess(NewYork:WilliamMorrow,2014).

7.Amoredetaileddiscussionofstrategiestosustaintheleaderbytheauthorsincludes:LeeG.BolmanandJoanV.Gallos,ReframingAcademicLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2011),chapters12and13;andJoanV.Gallos,“LearningfromtheToxicTrenches:TheWindingRoadtoHealthierOrganizations—andtoHealthyEverydayLeaders,”JournalofManagementInquiry17,no.4(December2008):354–367.Inaddition,PartFive(SustainingtheLeader)inJoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008)containssixchaptersonthisimportantsetofissues:chapter35,“ASurvivalGuideforLeaders”(byRonaldA.HeifetzandMartyLinsky),chapter36,“PreservingIntegrity,Profitability,andSoul”(byDavidBatstone),chapter37,“LearningforLeadership:FailureasaSecondChance”(byDavidL.Dotich,JamesL.Noel,andNormanWalker),chapter38,“NourishingtheSouloftheLeader:InnerGrowthMatters”(byAndreL.Delbecq),chapter39,“ResilienceandtheCruciblesofLeadership”(byWarrenG.BennisandRobertJ.Thomas),andchapter40,“ChooseHope:OnCreatingaHopefulFuture”(byAndrewRazeghi).

PARTVFIXORFOLD

14SALESGENE'SASSISTANTSEEMEDNERVOUS.“I'msorry,”shestammered.“I'msureheknowsaboutyourmeeting.But,um,buthe'snotbackfromlunch.Uh,youknow,sometimeshegetsheldup.”

“Lunchwithacustomer?”Vickyaskedpleasantly.

“Um,well,yes.I'msureitmustbesomethinglikethat.”

“Iunderstand,”Vickysaid.“Canyouletmeknowwhenhe'sready?”

“Oh,absolutely,”theassistantpromised.

Ihopeit'sjustthelifeofasalesman,Vickythoughttoherself.Butshefearedworse—Gene'sassistantseemedtobetryingtocoverforherboss.Wasthisabadomen?

Genewaswearingabigsmilewhentheymethalfanhourlaterinhisoffice.“Couldn'tgetawayfromacustomer,”hesaidinabriefapology.Buthisfacewasflushed,andthesmileseemedforced.Vickysensedthatsomethingwasn'tright.

“Whowereyoumeetingwith?”sheasked.

“Oldcustomers,youwouldn'tknowthem.”Vickydidn'tappreciatethebrush-off.

“Withyourhelp,I'llgettoknowalotofourcustomers.Butfornow,I'dliketotalkmoreaboutwhatthesalesforcecandotoimproveourbusinessresults.”

“Ihopeyouknowhowtoughitisoutthere,”Genesaid.

“I'msureitis,Gene,andIwanttoknowaboutyourchallenges.Ihavesomequestions,andIhopeyouhaveideasonhowwecangetbetter.”

“Youknowhowhardwe'vebeenworking?”Gene'ssmilewasgone,andhesoundedangryandcombative.

“Canyoutellmeaboutthat?”

Genehesitated,asifsurprisedbythequestion.“Well,Imean,hard.Reallyhard.”

“Saymore,”coaxedVicky.“I'dliketohearaboutwhat'sbeenhappeningin

“Saymore,”coaxedVicky.“I'dliketohearaboutwhat'sbeenhappeninginsales.”Genejustglaredather.

Vickybrokethesilence.“Weneedhardwork,Gene,butweneedtomakesurewe'reworkingontherightthings.TellmeifI'mwrong,butwhenIlookatourresults,weseemtobeskewedtowardsellingoldproductstothesameoldcustomers.”

“Hell,inthiseconomy,we'reluckytosellanythingtoanycustomers.”Gene'sexpressionhadturnedsour,butVickywasmoreconcernedthathisspeechseemedslurred.HadMadisonbeenrightwhenshehintedthatGenehadadrinkingproblem?

“Sure,Gene,”Vickysaidpleasantly.“Wewanttokeepourbestcustomers.Butit'stoughtomakemoneysellingoldproductswithweakmargins.”

“TellmesomethingIdon'tknow.”Gene'svolumewasincreasingandhistonewasevenmorecombative.

“I'msureyouknowit,Gene,”Vickysaidcalmly,“butI'minterestedinwhatyouandthesalesforcecandotosellmoreofournew,higher-marginproducts.”

“Wetry,butthenewstuffistooexpensive,”hegrowled.“It'sunproven.Ourcustomersdon'twantit.”

“Let'sreconfirmourpricing,Gene.That'simportant,”Vickysaid,makinganote.“Andcanyouhelpmeunderstandwhythecompetitionisdoingbetterthanweareinpromotingnewproducts?”

“Wheninthehelldidyoueversellanything,lady?Whatmakesyouthinkyouknowthefirstthingaboutcustomers?Ourcustomers?”Gene'sfacewasbrightred,andhewasalmostbellowingatVicky.

VickyhadsensedthatGenemightexplode,butshewasstillstartled.Goslow,shetoldherself.Don'tmakethisworse.

“Gene,”shesaidquietly,“let'smeetagainwhenyou'refullyreadyforabusinessdiscussion.”

“You'retellingmeI'mnotready?Iamready.”Hejumpedupandpushedhischairback.HeusedhisdesktosteadyhimselfasheleanedtowardVicky.Hewasshouting.“You'retheonewho'sneversoldanythinginyourlife,butyouthinkyoucancomeinhereandtellmehowtodomyjob.”

VickyrememberedoneofPeter'srules.Whenotherpeoplegetangry,don'tescalate;inquire.

“Gene,”shesaid,speakingsoftly.“CanyoutellmewhatIsaidthatimplied

“Gene,”shesaid,speakingsoftly.“CanyoutellmewhatIsaidthatimpliedthat?”

Genehesitated.Againhedidn'tseemtoexpectthequestion.“Oh,hell.Everything.”

“It'llhelpifyoucanbemorespecific.Giveitsomethought,andlet'splantomeetagain.Istomorrowmorninggoodforyou?”

Genesatbackdownandstared.Helookeddeflated.Washerealizingthathehaddughimselfintoadeephole?

“I'llconfirmwithyourassistant,”Vickysaidasshestoodup.“Seeyoutomorrow,Gene.”

Oncebackatheroffice,shequicklytextedPeter.“Metanotherdragon.Avoidedflames.Townmaynotbebigenoughforbothofus.”

Shewasn'tsurprisedwhenPetercalledafewminuteslater.

“So,whowasbreathingfireonyouthistime?”

“Mysalesmanager.”

“Whathappened?”

“Hewashalfanhourlateforourmeeting.Saidhewaswithacustomer,andI'mprettysurehewasdrinking.WhenIaskedhimhowwecouldimproveoursaleshestartedshoutingatmethatI'dneversoldanythingbutwastryingtotellhimhowtodohisjob.”

“Whatdidyousay?”

“You'dhavebeenproud.FollowedyouradviceandaskedhimcalmlywhatI'dsaidthatsuggestedthat.”

“Stayingcoolunderfire.Askingagoodquestion.I'mproud.So,nowwhat?”

“Youalwayssaiddivorceonlyifnecessary.Well,Iwishitweren't,butI'mthinkingitmaybe.Heprobablydidn'tknowwhathewasdoing,buthebasicallyvolunteeredtowalktheplank.Gavemenothingtoworkwith.Confirmedmyworstfears.Andifhe'llyellathisboss,youwonderhowhetreatseveryoneelse.”Vickytookadeepbreathandleanedbackinherchair.“Bytheendofthemeeting,Ithinkherealizedit.We'remeetingtomorrow.I'llaskhimifheseesafuturehere.Assuminghe'ssober,Ithinkhe'llgoquietly.Icanofferhimseverance,counseling,placementservices—anofferI'mprettysurehewon'trefuse.”

“What'shistrackrecordbeenbeforethis?”

“Lousy.Andlousyforalongtime.”

“Okay.Idon'tliketogiveuponsomeonebasedononemeeting,butsoundslikenotalotofreasonstokeepyourdragon.Sleeponit,andseeifitstillfeelsrightinthemorning.Goodlucktomorrow.”

15AWARNINGFROMMICHAELTHINGSARECOMINGTOGETHER,Vickythoughtasshesatatherdesk.Plentyofproblems,butshewasfeelingmoreconfidentthattheycouldbefixed.Sherememberedtheoldleadershipwisdom:whenyouunderstand,youknowwhattodo.1

Vickyturnedtohercomputer.Shewantedtomakesomevisualstocapturewhatshewasseeing.SheplannedtosharethemwithMichael.Ifunderstandingthebigpicturewashelpingher,shehopedthesamewouldbetrueforhim.Shealsoknewitwasimportanttokeephiminformedandinvolvedinherturnaroundstrategy.

Aloudraponthedoorjambgaveherastart.

“Oh,Michael,”Vickysaidlookingup.“Comein.Please.”SeeingMichaelatthedoorremindedherthathewasstillnearthetopofherdifficultpeoplelist.Shoringherselfupforeverysurpriseandverbalassaultwasgoingtowearthin.Shetookadeepbreathandsmiled.“IthinkI'mstartingtogetahandleonthingshere.”

Michaelstoodatthedoor.“You'reoutoftouch.Peoplesayyou'renotleading.Theydon'tlikeworkingwithyou.They'relosingconfidence.”Heturnedandwalkedaway.

Vickywantedtoscream.Orcry.OrchaseafterMichaeltotellhimhewasthemostdestructivebossshe'deverknown.Shesatstaringathercomputerscreenasajumbleofemotionsswirledthroughher,takingplentyofdeepbreathsandthenadistractingmomentofpleasurelookingattheflowersonherdesk.

Afterthewavepassed,Vickytriedtomakesenseoftheirencounter.Whatisheupto?Thatwasanambush.TwistingtheknifewhenIdidn'texpectit.ButIshouldn'tbesurprised.MichaelwasjustbeingMichael,andhe'ssogoodatitthatit'salmostimpossiblenottogethooked.ButunhookingisexactlywhatIneedtodo.Lettingmyangertakeoverwon'thelpmeoranyoneelse.

Vickytookanotherdeepbreath,thenreachedforthephoneanddialed.Peterwasinameeting.Sheleftword.

Note

1.WarrenBennis,OnBecomingaLeader(NewYork:BasicBooks,2003),55.

16HATEYOURBOSS?“ISITOKAYTOHATEyourboss?”Vickyasked.

“Maybe,”Peterreplied,“Butnotveryhelpful.Whathappened?”

“Drive-byassault.Iwasinmyoffice,thinkingaboutgoodnewsIcouldsharewithMichael.Hepopsin,tellsmemygroupislosingconfidencebecauseI'mnotleading.Thenhedisappearswhilemyjawisstilldropping.”

“Thatcameoutoftheblue?”

“Totally.AndIjustlostit.It'sgoodhegotoutquick,becauseotherwiseImighthavesaidsomethingstupid.Iunderstandwhytheysayrevengeisadishbestservedcold.”Theybothlaughed.“ButI'mfeelingalittlecalmernow.Hey,thanksforcallingmebacksosoon.”

“So,whatdoyoumakeofthis?”

“SomeoneinmygrouphasbeentalkingtoMichael,andprobablygettingrewardedforit.AndMichael'ssoslickthathewantsplausibledeniability.HecansayIaskedfor‘nosurprises’andhewasjusttryingtohelpmeoutwithhonestfeedback.”

“WhywouldsomeonebefeedingMichael?”

“Tostayonhisgoodside.Tomakenicetothedragon.”Vickyswallowedhardandcontinued.“Michael'sliketheabusiveparentaroundhere,Peter.Everyoneseeshowhe'llturnonanyoneinaflash.Blind-sideyouwhenyouleastexpectit.Holdbackwhatyouneedtodoyourjobandthenblameyouwhenyoucan'tdoit.Nobodywantstobethenexttarget,sotheytrytostayonhisgoodside.Curryfavorwithgossipandtidbits.Showhimthey'reonhisside.”

Vickypausedtothinkaboutthefullimplicationsofwhatshewassaying.Peterwaited.Thenshebeganagain.“IthinkMichaelhascreatedacultureoffeararoundherewherepeopletellhimstoriesaboutoneanotherallthetime.Youknow,competeforhislove,gethimtogoaftersomebodyelsesotheystayoutofhislineoffire.It'soneofthereasonsthisplaceissuchamess.Andwhythisteam,foraslongasit'sbeentogether,isnotateam.”

“Anysuspects?”

“Morethanone.Genemighthavesaidsomethingonhiswayoutthedoor.And

“Morethanone.Genemighthavesaidsomethingonhiswayoutthedoor.AndI'mnotsurehowfarIcantrustmymarketingmanager.”

“Sonowwhat?”

“Well,eventually,IneedtotakeonMichael.ButfirstIneedtomakesureI'vegotmytroopsbehindme.”

“Question:isMichaelcompletelyunpredictable?”

“Completely?”Vickymused.“Youknow,Ithinktheanswerisyesandno.What'sreallyunpredictableisyouneverknowwhenhe'llshowuporwhatexactlyhe'sgoingtosay.Butwheneverheappears,there'sagoodchancehe'llbebreathingsomekindoffire.”

“Thenyouneedsomekindofflame-proofing.Foryou.Andfortheteam.”

“Asbestossuits?”

“Oneoption,Iguess.”PeterandVickybothlaughed.“IwasthinkingmoreaboutanticipatingtheplaysyouknowMichaellikestorun.Ifhe'sgoingtodropinanddropbombs,thenexpectit.Don'tletitthrowyou.Figureoutwhatyou'llsayanddowhenithappens.Don'tgivehimthepowerofsurprise.And,Vicky,”Peterspokesoftlynow.“Iwouldn'tgiveupyet.Michaelcouldbeanutthat'stootoughtocrack.ButIhaven'tseentoomanyofthose.I'vealwaysgivenitmybestforawhile,andkeptlookingforadoortoopensomewherethatIjusthaven'tfoundyet.Mosttimes,it'sthere.”

“Iknewyouwouldn'tletmeoffthehookyet.I'llkeeplookingforthatdoor.”

“Letmeknowhowthingsgo.Okay?”

“Iwill.AndIhaveonesmallrequest.”

“Sure.”

“IfbychanceyouhaveareasontocallMichaelinthenextweekorso,saysomethingniceaboutme.”

“Mypleasure.Thatshouldbefun.”

17INSHEEP'SCLOTHINGICANCOUNTONMADISONtobepoisedandprepared,Vickytoldherself.IjusthopeI'mreadyforher.Idon'tknowforsurewho'sgoingbehindmybacktoMichael,butMadisonisaprimesuspect.

Onceagain,MadisonwasonherfeetandsmilingenthusiasticallyassheracedtothedoortowelcomeVickyintoheroffice.

“Thanksforcomingover,Vicky.I'vebeenlookingforwardtoourmeeting.There'ssomuchwecando,andI'dlovetosharemythoughts.”

“Great.I'meagertohearthem,Madison.”

“Ishouldstartbyofferingcongratulations,shouldInot?Goodwork!”

Vickywaspuzzled.“Whichwork?”

“Oh,Iknowit'snotpublicyet,butIunderstandthatwe'llbehearingaboutachangeinsalesleadershipbeforetoolong.”

How,Vickywondered,didMadisonknowsomuchaboutsomethingGeneandVickyhaddiscussedlessthanadayearlier?

“Thegrapevinemustbehardatwork,”Vickyreplied.

“We'lltelleveryoneGeneispursuingotheropportunities,ofcourse,”saidMadisonamiably.“Actually,itshouldhavehappenedsooner,butIdon'tblameyou.IknowsomepeoplewhowouldbegreatcandidatesforGene'sjob.I'llmakesuretheyapply.”

“Thanks,”repliedVicky,eventhough“friendofMadison”wasnotatthetopofherlistofjobqualifications.“Weneedreallystrong,experiencedcandidates.Thejobissoimportant.”

“Absolutely,”Madisonagreed.“Andthisisagreatopportunitytodefinethepositioninawaythatimprovescoordinationbetweensalesandmarketing.”

“Whatareyouthinking?”

“Youknowwe'vehadproblemsgettingthesalesforcealignedwithourmarketingdirection.Saleswastakingtheeasyway.Sellingtheold,low-marginstuff.Wecansolvethatbyhavingthenewsalesmanagerreporttome.”

Well,I'llbe.Whydidn'tIseethatcoming?Vickyaskedherself.Shetriednottolooksurprised.“Youthinksalesshouldreporttoyou?”

“Oh,Iknowyou'rewonderingwhywouldIwanttotakeonevenmorewhenIhavesomuchtodo.But,really,it'llmakemyjobeasier.Iwon'thavetospendsomuchtimetryingtogetthetwogroupsonthesamepage.”

VickywonderedifMadison'snextproposalwouldbetogetperfectalignmentbyhavingeveryoneintheofficereporttomarketing.“Iagreewithyourgoal,”Vickyresponded.“Wedoneedtogetsalesandmarketingworkingbettertogether.Theirshopandyoursbothneedtohaveastrongvoiceinourbusiness.”

“Thatwon'tbeaproblem,”Madisoncountered.“Tobefrank,IcanadvocateforsalesbetterthanGenedid.”

“Haveyouworkedinsales?”

“No,butIknowwhattheyneedtodo.AndI'vealwaysbeenaquickstudy.IcanpickupwhateverIneed.”

“Iadmireyourconfidence,andwe'dneedtogivethatmorethought.Whatotherideasdoyouhave?”

“Well,that'snumberone.Butwealsohavetodosomethingaboutproduction.Wecan'tbuildthebusinessunlesswecankeepourpromisestocustomers.”

“Iknowwe'vehadissuesthere,”Vickyresponded.“I'mworkingwithCarlos,andIexpectsignificantprogress.Atthesametime,weneedtoemphasizeteamwork—we'regoingtowinorlosetogether,soweneedtohelponeanothersucceed.”

“Ateamcan'twinwithouttherightplayers,Vicky.Whyriskyourcareeronsomeonewho'sblownitasmuchasCarloshas?”

Vickywrestledwithamixoffeelings.Forasmuchassheadmiredconfidenceanddirectness,shewonderedaboutMadison'sabilitytobeateamplayer.Well,Vickytoldherself,listeningandlearningwillonlygetyousofar.It'stimeforsomestraighttalk.

“Madison,Ivalueyourhonestyandinitiative.Youhavealotofideasthatwecanuse.ButIsometimesgetthemessagethatyou'reokay,andeveryoneelseisnot.Yoursuggestionsfocusonfixingotherpeople'soperations.I'mlearningfromyourinput,butweneedtostrengtheneverythingwedo,includingmarketing.Whatcanwedotostrengthenyourarea?”

Madison'sfacetightened,butshekeptherveneerofperfectcomposure.“Well,”

Madison'sfacetightened,butshekeptherveneerofperfectcomposure.“Well,”shesaid,asthetraceofafrowncrossedherface,“ifyoudon'twantmysuggestions….”

“Madison,whendidIsayIdidn'twantyourideas?”Vickyaskedwithsincerity.

“Well,you'rebattingdowneverythingIsuggest.”

“Idoappreciateyourinsights,Madison.Aswellasyourtalentandwillingnesstospeakup.That'swhyI'mhereandwhyIwanttogetyourideasformakingmarketingevenbetter.Whatwouldhelpyouandyourdepartmentdoabetterjob?”

“That'sexactlywhatI'vebeentryingtoexplain.IneedcolleaguesinthisorganizationIcancounton.Andsalesshouldreporttome.”

“Iagreeyouneedcolleaguesyoucanrelyon.That'swhatteamworkisallabout.Wehavetomakesureyougetthesupportyouneed,andweneedastrongsalesmanager.Meanwhile,let'stalkaboutmarketing.”

“Youhavenothingtoworryaboutthere.”

“Great,thenlet'stalkaboutyourideasgoingforward.”

ButVickynevergotwhatshewaslookingfor.Madisonwassmoothandsteadfastindepictingheroperationasworld-classandherselfasthestarplayerleadingit.AsVickybecameincreasinglyfrustrated,sherememberedPeter'sadvice:ifallelsefails,tellthetruth.

“Madison,”Vickyasked,“doyoufeelit'sunreasonableformetoaskhowmarketingcanimproveitsresults?”

“Ofcoursenot,”Madisonreplied.

“Here'swhat'sworryingme,Madison.Idon'thearanythingaboutwhatyoucandobetter.Instead,Ihearthatyouneedyourteammatestopassyoutheballsothatyoucanscoremore.”

AnotherfrownflashedacrossMadison'sface,buthersmilewasquicklyback.“Vicky,it'snotthatIwanttohogtheball.But,frankly,ifthey'llgiveittome,Iknowwhattodowithit.Theydon't.”

“Madison,thisbusinessisgoingtowinorloseasateam.Weneedteamplayers.Iwantyoutohavestrongpartners,andIwanttobesureIcangetthesupportIneedfromyou.Youneedtodecideifyoureallywanttoplayonthisteam.”

Madison'sfaceflushed.Foramoment,shewasspeechless.Whenshefinallyspoke,therewasanger,albeitcontrolled,inhervoice.“So,you'retellingmeit's

spoke,therewasanger,albeitcontrolled,inhervoice.“So,you'retellingmeit'syourwayorthehighway!”

Vickypaused,lookedMadisonintheeyes,andspokeslowlyandcalmly.“Madison,notmyway.Theteam'sway.It'snotaboutwhogetstopbilling.It'sabouteachareadoingtheirbestandworkingtogethertomakeourbusinesssuccessful.Giveitsomethought,Madison.Thenlet'smeetagain.”

18FIREYOURSTAR?“HAVEYOUEVERFIREDYOURstarplayer?”

Peterpausedtothinkbeforeanswering,“Yes.”

“Becauseyoucouldn'tworkwiththeperson?”

“No.Becausetheevidencewasclearthestarmadetheteamworse.It'sthesameinbusinessorbasketball.Talentwithoutteamworkloses.Butyou'vegottomakesureyourdiagnosisisright.Youdon'twanttocreateaproblembysolvingthewrongone.Who'syourfallingstar?”

“Madison,mymarketingmanager.”

“And?”

“Whenwemettotalkaboutimprovingthebusiness,heronlyideasweretoexpandherempireandreplacehercolleagues.”

“Couldsheberight?”

“Partly.ShegavemecriticalinformationtounderstandCarlos,andshewasrightthatoursalesmanagerhadtogo.Sheevencongratulatedmeforgettingthatdone—butthat'sastoryforanothertime.AsI'mseeingit,ourbiggestproblemislackofcoordinationandteamwork.”

“Andshe'snothelping?”

“Onlyifshegetstobeinthespotlight.Evenahintofcriticismgetsherpouting.”

“Whenshepouts,whatdoyoudo?”

“Atfirst,Iwasbackingoff.Youknowhowwellthatworks.Whenlasttimewemet,Iconfrontedherdirectly.Toldhersheneededtodecideifshewantstosignupfortheteam.”

“Whatdidshesay?”

“Shetookitasmetellingheritwasmywayorthehighway.”

“Doesshethinkthetownisn'tbigenoughforbothofyou?”

“Maybe.Shetalksasifshealreadyhasmyjob.Anyway,Itoldherthatit'saboutmakingtheteamasuccess,notaboutwho'sthestar.AndIaskedhertogivethatsomethought.”

somethought.”

“Whatdoyouexpectshe'lldo?”

“Notsure.BestcaseisIgotherattention.She'ssmartenoughtorealizeit'sgoodforbothofusifweworktogether.Worstcaseissheprolongsthebattle.Seesbuildingtheteamasmeholdingherdown.OnethingIdoknow:Madisonneedstohelptheteammoveforwardorshehastogo.”

“Soundslikeyoudidwhatyouhadto.Youwereclear,yougaveherfeedback,andyougaveherachoice.Inmyexperience,thatworksmoreoftenthannot.Confront,offerachoice,andgivesometimetothink.Peopleoftencomearoundwhentheyknowwhat'sexpectedofthem.”

“Ihopeso.I'djustassoonnotloseher.Madisonhasalottooffer.”

“Ihopenoteither.Firingisneverfun.”

“Andtobefair,”Vickyadded,“Madison'sdonealotovertheyearstoholdthingstogetherinthechaos.”

“Hmm…”Petermused,pausingbeforeadding,“makesmewonderwhatMadison'slosinginallthischange.”

Vickyhadn'tthoughtaboutitthatwayandwasgladforPeter'sremindertofigurethatout.

NosoonerhadPetersignedoffthanVickyheardataponherdoor.

“Comein,”shecalled.

Madisonpokedherheadin.“Doyouhaveaminute?”sheasked.

“Ofcourse,comeonin.”

“Vicky,”Madisonsaid,lookingalmostsheepish.“I'vebeenthinkingsinceourmeeting.I'verealizedsomethings.”

“I'dlovetohearaboutthem,”Vickyrespondedwarmlyandmotionedtothechairinfrontofherdesk.

Madisonhesitated,andthensatdown.Vickyhadneverseenhersouncomfortable.“Well,Idon'twanttomakeexcusesordredgeupmywholepast.”Madisonpausedandlookeddown,beforecontinuing.“Well,whenIwasgrowingup,myparentswereimpossibletoplease.ItalwaysseemedthatIwasneverasgoodasmybeautifulandbrilliantoldersisters.”

“Itsoundspainful,”Vickyrespondedsincerely.

“Itwas.”Madisonhesitated.“Stillis.”

“Soyou'vealwayshadtofightforeverything?”

“Noonehasgivenmeanything.IknowIsoundlikeawhineykid,butIfeelI'veworkedsohardandnevergettheappreciationIthinkI'veearned.”

“You'vefeltthathereaswell?”

“Yes.Bossafterbossdidn'tseewhatIwasdoing.Didn'tthankmefortakingontheextrawork.AndthentheygaveyouthejobIwanted.”

“Iwonderedaboutthat,Madison,”Vickyrepliedgently.

Madisonlookedawayandpausedagain.“Tobehonest,Iprobablyunderestimatedyou.Iwasexpectinganotherweakboss.Butyou'resmartandtougherthanIthoughtatfirst.Youknowyourstuff.”

“Thanks,Madison.Ithinkthat'swhyIgotthejob.”

“Tobeperfectlyfrank,that'sanotherthingIrealized.SomeoneupthereinCorporatebelievesinyouandwhatyoucando.”Madisonpaused.“Thismaysoundawful,butIwasfiguringthatyou'dfailliketherestandthenthey'dfinallygivemethejobtofixthingsup.Whenyoutoldmeeithersignupformyjoborlookforanewone,Ihadtodosomethinking.WhereIcomeoutisthatrightnowthebestthingIcandoformycareeristohelpyousucceed.”

“AndthebestthingIcandoforyourcareeristohelpyougetsetupforthatpromotion.Thatwouldbegoodforbothofus,”Vickysaidwithasmile.

MadisonlookedVickyintheeyes,smiledslightly,andsoundedmoreconfidentagain.“IguessI'msaying,ifyoustillwantmeontheteam,coach,signmeup!”

“OfcourseIdo!Workingtogether,wecanallwin—andwinbig!”

AsMadisonleft,Vickyknewthatshewasaworkinprogress.Madison'soldwoundswouldnotdisappearovernight,andstrengtheningtheteamwouldmeanachangeinthekindofinformalleadershipMadisonhadbroughttoitovertheyears.ButVickyalsoknewthatMadisonwasahardworker,hadagooddiagnosticsense,andshowedalotofcourageinbeingsoopenandvulnerable.Now,Vickythought,Ithinkwecanworktogether.Evenmoreimportant,MadisonnowfeltthatshewasbetteroffjoiningVickythanopposingher.

It'lltaketimeandpatience,Vickythought,andusingPeter'sadvicetomovecloser.TimewithMadisongivesmeopportunitiesformentoring—andstayingalerttoanybacksliding.

Sun-tzu'sfamousquotationranthroughVicky'smind:keepyourfriendsclose

Sun-tzu'sfamousquotationranthroughVicky'smind:keepyourfriendscloseandyourenemiescloser.ThenshelaughedassherememberedLBJ'scoarservariation:it'salwaysbettertohavesomeoneinsidethetentpeeingoutthanoutsidethetentpeeingin.

19BACKTOTHEBOSS“WHATISITNOW?”Michaelgrunted,asVickywalkedinafterasoftraponthedoor.

“Quickupdate.Partofthenosurprisesprogram.”

“Idon'tsupposethere'sanygoodnews.”

“Actually,thereis.Afteryourfeedback,I'vebeenworkingonmyleadership.And…Iexpectthenumberstocomeinaboveforecast.”

“Iftheydon't.…”

“Iknow—you'llhaveapublicflogging.Butitprobablywon'tbenecessary.”

MichaellookedatVicky,hisfacefrozen.

“So,here'sthesummary.We'regoingtogiveCarlostraining,help,andthedataheneeds.I'llkeephimonashortleashforawhile,buthe'llbefine.Madisonhasdecidedshewantstodevelopherteamworkskills,andI'mhelpingheronthat.WegotNathan'sattentionwithstatsfromLinonhowwestackupagainstourcompetitors,andhe'sworkingtomakeengineeringfasterandmoreflexible.He'sgettinghelpfromoneofhispeoplewho'sgotgoodmanagementpotential.Genehasresigned,soweneedtofindareplacement,andI'mreadytobeginthesearch.”

Michaelcontinuedstaringather.Vickywasprettysurehewaslookingforsomethingtocriticize.

Afteralongpause,hesaid,“Soundslikefairytales.You'rejustdiggingyourowngravewiththatcrew,butatleastyoufiguredoutthatGenedrinksmorethanhesells.”

“Let'sjustsaythatafterwetalked,Genedecidedheshouldseekotheropportunities.”

“Yeah,I'msureofthat.Oh,bytheway,IgotacallfromPeterFrostattheheadshop.Hesaysheknowsyou.”

“Peter?Hewasmyfirstboss.He'sbeenagreatmentor.”

“Yeah,soitseems,”Michaelsaid,soundinganythingbutpleased.

“Well,myapproachisthesamewithyouasitwaswithPeter.Itrytomakemy

“Well,myapproachisthesamewithyouasitwaswithPeter.Itrytomakemybosslookgood.Tobehonest,onereasonIhavetomakeagoofthisjobisI'dhatetodisappointeitherofyou.”

“Sodon't.”

“Evenwithyourhighstandards,Idon'tplanto.”

VickysmiledassheleftMichael'soffice.He'stryingtosoundastoughasever,shethoughttoherself,butmaybeproactivepositivityisstartingtomelttheiceberg.AndPeter'scalldidn'thurt.

INTERLUDE5MOVEON?PUSHOUT?THEBASICSUREPRINCIPLEISSIMPLE.Engagefirst.Exitonlyifnecessary.Buthowdoyouknowwhenit'snecessary?ThatquestionvexesVicky.Ontheonehand,shewondersifsheshouldfiremembersoftheteamshehasinherited.Ontheother,shepuzzlesoverhowherrelationshipwithMichaelcaneverwork.Ifthingsaren'tworking,sometimesyouhavetomoveon—orpushsomeoneout.Ifyou'vepersistedanddoneyourbest,andtherearenosignsasituationcanbesalvaged,it'stimetofaceahardandpainfulreality.

ConsistentuseoftheSUREmodelshouldreducetheoddsthatyouhavetofacethepainfuldecisiontofiresomeoneortoexitfromarelationshipthatcan'tbesaved.Yourdifficultpeoplemaynotbecomeperfect,butthingswillusuallyimproveenoughthatyoucanworktogetherproductivelyandstrengthenthatovertime.But,inothercases,persistentapplicationoftheSUREprinciplesmaybringadifferentclarity:recognitionthatdivorceisthebestoption.Ifyou'vepersistedanddoneyourbestandtherearenosignsasituationcanbesalvaged,itmaybetimetofaceahardandpainfulreality.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:ReviewandReconfirm

Indealingwithbothherbossandsubordinates,Vickyshowsremarkableabilitytotakealongview.Instressfulmoments,sheavoidsactingonimpulseorthrowinginthetowelatafirstfailure.Instead,Vickytakestimetoreflectand,often,getinput.ShecouldhavefiredCarlos,Lin,orMadison;butineachcaseshestudiesthesituationovertime,concludesthatoptimismisjustified,andlooksforspecificwaystoremedyperformancegaps.Sheknowswhatsheexpectsfromeach,communicatesthatclearly,andkeepsaneyeonprogress—orlackofit.

ButVickymovesquicklyandinadifferentdirectionwithGene.Genebasicallyfiredhimself,cappingalongpatternofunderperformanceandalcoholabuseatworkwithaspecificinstanceofbehaviorthatwasegregiousenoughforVickytodecideitistimeforhimtomoveon.

Whenpeoplemakehorrendousblunders,can'tlearnfromclearandconsistentfeedback,anddon'trespondtocoachingortoroleclarity,youmaywellbefacingachallengethatgoesbeyondthepowerofaworkplaceintervention.Inthosecircumstances,acleanbreakisbest.Forthesakeofcaring,equity,andyourownpeaceofmind,taketimetoreviewthedata,

caring,equity,andyourownpeaceofmind,taketimetoreviewthedata,confirmyouareconsideringthefullpicture,testyouractionsandjudgmentswithtrustedothers,andreconfirmyourdecision.

Askyourselfifyou'veappliedtheSUREmodelaswellasyoucanandhavetakensufficienttimeandeffortforaturnaround.Haveyoudonethediagnosticworkyouneedtodotoensurethattheproblemiswithanindividualratherthanwiththeteamortheorganization?Haveyoulookedinthemirrorandidentifiedanythingyoumightbedoingtocauseorcolludeintheissues?Haveyoulookedforcreativewaystobreakpatternsandalterhowyouandyourdifficultpersonrelatetooneanother?Haveyoumadesurethattheindividualhasreceivedconsistentandsufficientfeedbackthatdescribeshisorherbehaviorsandactions,andthatyouhavetestedhisorherpotentialforlearning?Haveyoumovedtowardtheindividualandworkedtobuildarelationshipofsufficienttrustsothatyoucanengageinthedifficultconversationsanddeliberateplanningthatperformanceandrelationshipimprovementrequires?Haveyouconsultedwithatrustedcolleagueormentortotestyourjudgment?Yourresponsibilityinlife-alteringdecisionslikethisishigh.Doyourhomeworkanddouble-checkyouranswers!

Terminatingasubordinateconsistentlyranksasoneofthetoughesttasksmanagersface.Fewgettraininginhowtoassessemployeepotentialforlearninganddevelopaperformanceimprovementplan—orinhowtofiresomeone.Butfiringforgoodcauseissometimesnecessary,anditisfatefulforindividualsandfororganizations.

Firingisalsoexpensive.Organizationsloseexperienceandinstitutionalmemory,andtherearealwayscostsinhiringandtrainingreplacements.Theremaybeproceduralandlegalissuesatstake,soyouwanttoensureyouunderstandandfollowrelevantlawsandpolicies.YourHRdepartmentcanhelpwiththose.

Thesamebasicprinciplesapplywhenthequestioniswhetherit'stimeforyoutoexitafailingrelationship.Studythehistory.Askifyou'veappliedtheSUREprinciplesaswellasyoucanandforlongenoughtomakeadifference.Lookcarefullyatthecostsofbothstayingandleaving.Testyourthinkingandgetcounselfromatrustedfriend,mentor,orprofessional.

2. Unhook:FacingFear

VickyandPeterbothconfirmthatunhookingisanongoingleadershiptask.Decidingtofoldbringsitsownsetofuniquechallenges.Theprospectof

Decidingtofoldbringsitsownsetofuniquechallenges.Theprospectoffiringsomeoneorterminatingarelationshipalwaystriggersstrongfeelings,oftenofanxietyandambivalence.Theemotionalturmoilcanleadyoutoreplayacommonpatternofdelayingtoolongandthenfiring—orquitting—tooimpulsively.Youdreadtheprospectoftryingtodealwithsomeonewhoisdefensive,hostile,angry,orwounded.Youfearmakingthewrongdecision,handlingtheprocessbadly,ordoingharm.EvenwithyourworkwiththeSUREmodelandclearjustifications,youmaybehauntedbydoubtsandsecondguesses.DidImisssomething?DidIdotherightthing?WasIclearandfair?Weretherenoalternatives?DidItryhardenough?ShouldIhaveofferedonelastchance?

Dealingwithbulliesmagnifiestheindecisiveness.Theirstrategiesaregearedtoundermineyourconfidenceandclarityofmind,andtherelationshipmayhaveperiodsofstabilityinwhichyougenuinelythinktheworstisover.1Long-timebulliessucceedbecausetheirabilitytoturnontheircharmcanbeasstrongastheirbehind-closed-doorsattacksandmanipulations—andimportantothersmayhaveseenonlythecharm.

Fearleadsyoutodelay.Thecostsandstressmount,andemotionstakeover.Feelingfrustrated,wantingtogetitoverwith,youfinallymoveimpetuously.Thefiredsubordinatefeelsblind-sidedandunfairlytreated.Youfeelasenseoffailure.Yourremainingsubordinateswonderwhyyouwaitedsolong,andthendidsuchabadjoboffiring.Eveniftheysupportyourdecision,theywonderifyoumightdothesametothem.Payingattentionisvitalwhenit'stimetofoldandtakethetimeyouneedtounhook.ThatfreesyoutoworkthroughtheSUREstepscarefully,acceptyourresponsibilityfordealingwithaseriousperformanceissue,confrontyourfears,anddowhatyouneedtoassureafairandaccuratedecision.

Unhookingcanbeevenharderwhenyoustruggletodecideifit'stimetoleavearelationshipthatisn'tworkingforyou.Leavingarelationshipwithanimpossiblebossraisesmanyquestions.Willyouharmyourcareer?Willyouandyourfamilysufferseriousfinancialdamage?Areyouadmittingdefeattoosoon?Shouldyoujusthangonuntilanotherjobcomesalong?Whatisyourresponsibilitytoyourorganization:Ifyoudonotspeakup,willthebullyingcontinueforothers?Doesexitmeanthatthebullywinsandyoulose?

Therearenoeasyanswers.Meanwhile,youhaveworktodowhileyoucontinuetodealwiththeanger,pain,andanxietythatthedestructiverelationshipisgenerating.Evenrecognizingthepricetobothyourhealth

relationshipisgenerating.Evenrecognizingthepricetobothyourhealthandpsychedoesn'tmakeiteasiertounhook.Thereisagoodchancethattherelationshipdynamicshavealreadyunderminedsomeofyourconfidenceinyourselfandyourjudgment,makingitevenhardertosortoutyourbestoption.Thesearesomeofthetoughestcircumstancesanyoneeverfacesatwork.Youneedsupportandcounselfrompeopleyoucantrusttohelpyougetthedistanceandperspectiveyouneed.

3. RevisetheScript:PrepareandPractice

Askyourself,“IfIwerecomfortableandatthetopofmygame,howwouldIhandlethisissue?”Theanswertothatquestioncanleadyoutothescriptyouneed.Inlettingsomeonego,agoodscriptcommunicatesthedecisionclearlyanddirectly.Ifyoubackintoitortalkaroundit,youopenyourselftoaprolonged,unproductivedebate.Onceyou'vedoneyourhomeworkanddecidedthatterminatingsomeoneistherightorganizationalchoice,don'tdoanythingthatconfusesthemessageorimpliesthatit'sreversible.Andfiringshouldnevercomeasasurprise.Wellbeforeyougettothatpoint,clearexpectations,roleclarity,consistentfeedback,improvementplans,andaccountabilitysystemsshouldhavemadeitclearwhensomeonewasinfinaljeopardy.

Thiswillbeadifficultconversation,anddoallthatyoucantofeelbalancedandcomfortableduringtheexchange.Preparationisessential.Beginbythinkingthroughwhatyouwanttosay.Anticipatearangeofpossibleresponsestoyourmessage—includingyourworstfears.You'llalsowanttounderstandthefeelingstheconversationwillevokeforyouandfortheother.Therewillbemanyforyouboth,andyoudon'twanttobesurprisedbythem.It'sonlynaturalforyoutofeelregret,sadness,anxiety,disappointment,andanger.Youwouldn'tbehumanifyoudidn't.Workingthroughthoseinadvancesoastostayfocused,calm,andauthenticisanimportantelementofexecutivejudgment2andwisdom.3

Inpreparing,firstwriteoutforyourselfthebasicmessage:theindividual'semploymentwillterminateataparticulartime,forthefollowingreason,andunderaspecifiedsetofconditions(includinganyprovisionsforbenefits,severance,outplacement,orothersupport).Second,expressyourdisappointmentattheoutcome,andyourhopesfortheindividual'sfuturesuccess.Third,givetheotherpersonachancetorespondoraskquestionsaboutyourmessage.Writeoutmorethanonescenarioandseewhichfeelsright.You'llfeelmoreconfident,giveyourselfflexibilityinconductingthedifficultmeeting,andbeabletorespondwithbothclarityandcare.Andpractice,practice,practice!

practice,practice,practice!

Compassionandcaredon'tmeansugarcoatingreality,thoughyoudon'twanttoapproachthebreakwithasledgehammer.Everyoneneedstolearnfromthedivorce,butaclearstatementofwhatisn'tright,whathasbeentriedtonoavail,andhowtomanagethetransitionisenough.Therulesforskilledcandorareahelpfulguideincaseslikethis.It'stimetoletgoofblame,anger,anddisappointment.There'snoreasontorehasheverythingortouseadifficultsituationtoreinforceyourpowerorposition.

Ifyouhavedecidedtoleavearelationshipthatisn'tworkingforyou,youwillfaceachoiceofwhichscripttofollow.PaulSimonwrotethat“theremustbe50waystoleaveyourlover,”andthesameistrueforleavingaworkplacenemesis.Sometimes,“justslipouttheback,Jack”isalmostallyouneed,particularlyifaquickandcleanbreakisyourbestoutcomeandanotheropportunityawaits.Butleavingyouremployerinalurchbynotprovidingadequatenoticecouldcomebacktohauntyou.Usuallyyou'llwanttostudyyoursituationandoptions.What'sthenatureofyouremploymentcontract?What,ifany,obligationsdoesyouremployerhaveifyouresign?Whatareyourorganization'susualpracticeswhensomeonequits?Mightyouhavelegalclaims?Afriend,amentor,andagoodemploymentlawyercanhelpyousortthingsthrough.Walkthroughthesituationwithallthree:eachbringsadifferent,yetvital,perspective.

4. Engage:BePresentintheFaceofExit

Toprotectyourselffromthediscomfortofaconversationabouttermination,itistemptingtodistanceyourselfbytakingaformal,bureaucraticstance:speakinginthethirdperson(“Thecompanyhasconcluded.…”),disowningpersonalresponsibilityfortheoutcome(“Ifitwereuptomealone.…”),orreadingascript(“Thisistoinformyou.…”).Terminationisnotimeforadeepexchangeofpersonalfeelings,butyouandtheotherpersonwillbothfeelbetterifyouareauthenticinexpressingyourregretabouttheoutcomeandhopesforthefuture.Putyourselfintheshoesoftheotherperson,andtreattheotherasyouwouldhopetobetreated.Itmaybetemptingasyouexitabadrelationshiptotrytopunishtheotherpersononyourwayoutthedoor.Thatisunlikelytogiveyouasmuchsatisfactionasyoumighthope.Aiminsteadforcalmconfidenceandquietdignity.Beyourbestselfasyouexit.

Notes

1.TheDrs.Namieareworldexpertsonworkplacebullying,andtheirbooksarevaluableresourcesforanyonefacingtheseissuesatwork.SeeGaryNamieandRuthF.Namie,TheBully-FreeWorkplace:StopJerks,Weasels,andSnakesfromKillingYourOrganization(Hoboken,NJ:JohnWiley&Sons,2011);andGaryNamieandRuthF.Namie,TheBullyatWork:WhatYouCanDotoStoptheHurtandReclaimYourDignityontheJob,2nded.(Naperville,IL:Sourcebooks,Inc.,2009).TheWorkplaceBullyingInstitute,www.workplacebullying.org/the-drs-namie,isanotherresource.

2.NoelM.TichyandWarrenG.Bennis,Judgment:HowWinningLeadersMakeGreatCalls(NewYork:Penguin,2009).

3.RichardE.BoyatzisandAnnieMcKee,ResonantLeadership:RenewingYourselfandConnectingwithOthersThroughMindfulness,Hope,andCompassion(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPublishing,2005).

PARTVITEAMWORK

20THEGAMEPLANMICHAELISSTILLIMPOSSIBLE,butI'mfeelingalotbetterabouteverythingelse.Vickywasinthesameconferenceroomwhereshefirstmether“motleycrew”amonthago.Sherememberedbeingmorescaredthanhopefulatthetime.Now,shefeltconfident.

We'reontherighttrack,andIthinkwe'regoingtomakeit.Thatdoesn'tguaranteethismeetingwillworkaswellasIhope,butI'mready.Ithinktheteamis,too.Weallknowthegameplan.

Vickylookedatthewallclock.Itwastimetostart.Therewasanairofexcitementandfriendlybanteraroundthetable.Allpresent—exceptMichael.Michaelnevermakesiteasy,Vickythought.ShowsupwhenIdon'texpecthim,butnotwhenIdo.Dowewaitorstartwithouthim?Vickytookadeepbreathanddecidedtobegin.

“Goodmorning,everyone.Let'sgetstarted.Michaelshouldbeheresoon.We'vegotalottodo,solet'sbegin.Weallknowouragenda…”

JustthenMichaelburstin.

“Agenda?”heinterjected.“Youcallthisanagenda?Iwantnumbers.What'sthis‘YearoftheTeam’?”

Vickysmiled.She'dexpectedMichaeltotossagrenadeintothemeeting,andthisonecouldhavebeenworse.Thistimeshewasreadyforhim.

“Michael,we'regladyou'rehere,”Vickyrespondedcalmly.“Ifiguredtheagendamightneedsomeexplanationandthat'swherewe'llstart.”

“Betterbegood.”

“Weknewyouwouldn'tbesatisfiedwithanythingless,”Vickysaidsoothingly,takingcontrolofthemeetingagenda.“We'veworkedhard,andwehaveaplanthatweallfeelverygoodabout.Thepurposeoftoday'smeetingisfortheteamtoexplainittoyouandgetyourreactions.Fairenough?”

Michaellookedasifhewantedareasontosayno,butcouldn'tfindone.“Solet'shearwhatyou'vegot.”

Vickyscannedthegroup.ShehadpreparedthemtoignorebarbsfromMichael,

andtheylookedunfazed—exceptforLin,whoseemedinsearchofsomeplacetohide.VickycaughtLin'seyeandgaveherasmileandslightnodofthehead.Linnoddedinreply.Comeonteam!We'vepracticedourlines,Vickytoldherself.We'reready.Let'sgetonwithit.

“I'llgiveabriefoverview,”Vickycontinuedonandwithasmile,“thenturnitovertomembersoftheteamtotalkaboutspecifics.Startingwiththebigpicture.We'vedonealotinthelastmonth.Weknowpastresultshavebeenunacceptable.Wenowagreeonwhatneedstobefixed.Wehaveaplanforgoingforward,andwe'recommittingtoaggressivetargets.You'llstartseeingbetternumbersinthenextquarter.Fortheyear,weexpecttobeaboveforecast.”

“Uponprofitsorrevenues?”Michaelgrowled.

“Both,Michael.Linwillpresentthespecificslaterinthemeeting.”

“Howisthismotleycrewgoingtopulloffamiracle?”

TheteamletMichael'sbarbsgoby—likewaterthroughopenfingers.

“Execution,speed,andteamwork,Michael,”Vickyansweredquicklyandcalmly.“Andwerealizethatwecan'tdothefirsttwowithoutthelast.That'swhywe'recallingitTheYearoftheTeam.Madisonwillstartbytalkingaboutsales.”

“Thanksforthegoodoverview,Vicky,”Madisonresponded,exudingherusualcharmandprofessionalism.“Thevacancyinsalesgaveusachancetotalkasafullteamaboutwhatweneed.We'relookingforateamplayerwithastrongtechnicalbackground.Thatwillhelpussellournewerproductsandrespondmorequicklytocustomers.Forthemoment,VickyandIaresharingoversightofthesalesfunction,andIappreciatetheopportunityit'sgivingmetolearn.Withinputfromthefullteam,we'veputtogetherajobdescription,andweexpecttomakeanewhirewithinthemonth.I'mhappytoansweranyquestions.”

“Howmucharewegoingtopaythisguy?”Michaelasked.

“Mightnotbeaguy,Michael,butwe'reluckythatrightnowtherearegoodcandidates,”Madisonrepliedwarmly.“Wethinkwe'llgetastronghirewithoutpayingmorethanwewerepayingGene.”

Michaelgrunted,maybeinsatisfaction,thoughitwasn'teasytotell.Vickypickeduptheballandimmediatelypassedittothenextplayer.

“Next,Nathanwilltalkaboutengineering.Nathan?”

“Okay.Thanks,Vicky,”Nathanclearedhisthroatandcontinued.“Frankly,if

“Okay.Thanks,Vicky,”Nathanclearedhisthroatandcontinued.“Frankly,ifVickyhadn'tcome,Iprobablywouldhavequit.I'dratherdesignthanmanageanyway,particularlythewaythingsweregoingaroundhere—Inevergotanysupportandthesignalskeptchanging.Ineverknewwhattobelieve.Damnnearimpossibletodogoodwork.ButnowMadison,Carlos,andIworkedtogetherstudyingourmarkets.Thetruthis,weshouldhavedonethatalongtimeago.Wefoundsomeopeningsouttherethatwejustweren'tseeingbefore.”

NathanpausedtomakeeyecontactwithMadisonandCarlos.Theslightsmileonhisfaceindicatedhewasenjoyinghimself.Hethencontinued.

“MaybeIshouldhaveknownthissooner,butIdidn't.We'vebeenoverdesigning,puttinginfeaturesourcustomersdon'tcareaboutandmissingsomesimplethingstheydowant.Soourpriceshavebeentoohigh,andwe'vebeenlatetomarket.Thegoodnewsiswe'vegotatechnicaledgebecausemygroupknowssomestuffourcompetitorsdon't.So,youwantamiracle,Michael?Howaboutbetterproducts,faster,atalowercost?”

“Yousureaboutthat?”Michaelaskedskepticallybutwithsomeofthesteamgonefromhisvoice.

“Very.It'salreadyspeedingupourdesignwork.Andit'sgoingtomakethingseasierdownthelineforCarlos,too.”

“Perfecttransition,”Vickyinterjected,keepingthepacecrisp.“Carlos,you'reupnext.”

“Basically,I'msingingthesametuneyou'veheardfromMadisonandNathan.We'reonthesamepagemorethanwe'veeverbeen.Themarketstudyhelpedusallseealotofwaysthatengineeringandproductioncanworktogethersothatourproductsnotonlyworkbetter,they'reeasiertomake.TheconsultantVickybroughtinhelpedalot,too.Gavemeawholenewperspectiveonmyjobandtheoperation.We'velaunchedaSixSigmaprogram,andwe'realreadystartingtoseeimprovementsinspeedandquality.”

“Wordsarecheap.Whathaveyouguysbeensmoking?”Michaelscoffed.

Vickywasready.Ourdragonisonscript,breathingfireoncue,shethoughttoherself.

“Ofcourse,youhavesomedoubts,Michael,”Vickysaidsoothingly.“Weunderstandthatresultsaretheonlythingthatwillconvinceyou.Thattakesustothelastitemonouragenda.Linisgoingtogiveyouthenumbers,tellyouourtargets.They'reambitious.Lift-offwon'tcomeforafewmonths,andthenthingswillstarttoaccelerate.Byayearfromnow,they'llbealotbetter.Andyou'llknowifwedidwhatwesaid.Butdon'tbetoosurprisedifwebeatthem.Lin?”

knowifwedidwhatwesaid.Butdon'tbetoosurprisedifwebeatthem.Lin?”

“Thanks,Vicky,”Linbegansoftly.“We'vedevelopedaperformancedashboard.Ittooksomework.I'vegotitallononepage.I'llpassthatoutnow.Itincludesprocessmeasuresthatwillgiveusearlysignalsofwhetherwe'reontrack,aswellasoutcomemeasures—unitssold,revenue,net,andsoon.”

“Letmeadd,”interjectedMadisonwhenLinfinished,“onethingthat'snew.I'llbethefirsttoadmititwasn'teasy,butwe'veagreedthatwe'reallaccountableforallthemeasures.Wewinorloseasateam.”

“Soifthisissoeasy,whydidn'tyoufigureitoutahellofalotsooner?”Michaelasked.

Asilencefellovertheroom.Vickydeliberatelypassedontheopportunitytoanswerfortheteam.

Finally,Madisonspokeup.“Youwantthetruth,Michael?”

“WhatelsewouldIwant?”

“Okay.Thetruthisthere'sbeenaclimateoffearandhostilityaroundhere.Dog-eat-dog,everyonelookingoutforthemselves,blamingproblemsonsomeoneelse.Itwasn'tuntilVickycamethatwerealizedthat'swhywewerefailing.Nowweseethatwecanwinasateamifwealldoourpart.Itmaysoundcorny,butit'sexciting!ThelastmonthhasbeenthemostfunI'vehadatworkinalongtime.”

Carlos,Lin,andNathansmiledandshooktheirheadsyesasshespoke.

INTERLUDE6ASURETOURDEFORCEITISNOSURPRISETHATMICHAELSEEStheteam'splanasamiragepretendingtobeamiracle.Theteamisaskinghimtotrustaprocessthat,byallindications,violatesbothhisbeliefsabouthowtomanageandmotivatepeopleandwhatispossiblefromthisgroupofemployees.Whyshouldhebelievethatthe“motleycrew”willdobetterthaniteverhasbefore?Theyhaveahistoryoffailure;andevenMichael'sbrowbeating,threats,andfiringoftheirmultiplebosseshavedonenothingtochangethat.Thatis,untilVickycame.

Vickybringsanotherapproachtomanagingpeople,andsheandherteamhaveachievedsomethingremarkable.Theyhavefoundapathtosuccessunderdifficultcircumstances.Thereismuchtolearnfromhowtheydidit.VickyhasconsistentlyreliedontheprinciplesintheSUREmodel,andshehascoachedherteamontherulesofengagementsothattheycanbegintodothesame.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn:StepBack,StepUp,StepItUp

Vicky'sfirstmoveinhernewjobistostudythebusinessandtheplayers.Thebusinessresultshavebeendisappointing,andcarefuldiagnosticworkallowshertoseethattheproblemsaremoreaboutafailureofteamwork,adequatesupport,andclearexpectations.Shesetsouttoworkonthat.Vickyalsoknowsthatshe'llsolvetheteamworkproblemonlyifshefindswaystoaltertheclimateoffearandragtagindividualismcreatedbyMichael'serratic,punitivemanagementstyle.

Vickyasksherteamtostop,look,andlearn—engagingindiscussionstohelpherunderstandthecurrentstateandfuturepossibilitiesintheirareas.Teammemberstakeafreshlookwithherhelp,andalllearnnewwaystounderstandthemselvesandtheirareas.Vickybringsherconsistentcalmpersistence,butindividualizesherapproachtoeachmemberofherteam:Madisongetsmultipleinvitationstostepupfollowedbyconfrontation;Lin,continuousencouragementandsoftsuggestions;Carlos,somecombinationofthese.Vickydemonstratesanewmodelofleading:stepbackandstudy,thenstepthingsup.

VickyalsoofferseachatemptingcarrotincontrasttoMichael'swide-swingingstick:Lin,astrategyforimpact;Carlos,trainingandvitaldata;Madison,aroutetopromotion.Vickystaysclosetoeachindividualtosupportlearningandoffernewwaysofworking,butshedoesnot

supportlearningandoffernewwaysofworking,butshedoesnotmicromanage.Sheassignsteamprojectsthatrequirecollaboration,likethejointanalysisoftheunit'smarkets.Shegivestheteamspaceandtimelines,andholdsitresponsibletodothework,whichleadsthemtodiscovernewbusinessinsightsandthebenefitsofteamwork.Nathan'sreporttoMichaelconfirmstheyfoundboth.

ADallasturnaroundrequiresadaptivechangefortheteam,andleadershipthatfostersit.1Thesamewaysofworkingthatgottheunitintoitscurrenttroubleswillnotgetitout.2Vickycreatesopportunitiesforteammemberstodiscoverandembracedifferentstrategiesandsolutionstheyhavebeenhard-pressedtoseebefore—andtogrowanddevelopprofessionalastheywork.Madison'stestimonialonthepowerofsharedresponsibilitybodeswellfortheteam'sfuture.

2. Unhook:UseandTeach

OneofVicky'sbiggestchallengesisunhookingfromthetoxicstewMichaelissogoodatgenerating.Sheusesseveralstrategies.OneisdiscipliningherselftoavoidquickandimpetuousreactionstoMichael'sprovocations.Shedemonstratesthisinherveryfirstmeetingwithhimwhen“shepaused,strugglingtotampdownanimpulsetoscreamthatMichaelwasathug,andshe'dratherworkforanyotherbossintheworld.”Shetakesthetimetocomeupwithsomethingbetterthanscreamingatherboss.Afterpausing,sheasks,“WhatcanyoutellmeabouttheteamI'minheriting?”ThatresponseillustratesanotherstrategythathelpsVickyunhook:askaquestioninsteadofsayingsomethingstupid.Athirdstrategyistoseekcounselfromatrustedadvisor.SheisfortunatetohaveawiseandsupportivementorinPeter.Ifyoudon'thaveaPeterinyourlife,lookforone!

Michaelisanequalopportunityabuser,andVickyknowsthatshemustteachtheteamtounhookandbethereforthemwhentheyfacethedragon'sflame.Itcouldnothavebeenpleasantforanyofthemtohavetheirboss'sbosssendrandom,negative,andunhelpfulfeedbackontheirefforts.

3. RevisetheScript:DoandTeach

EvenbeforeVickyarrivesintheDallasoffice,sheunderstandsthatshefacesachallengeripeforfailure:anotoriouslydifficultbossandafailingoperation.Shecannotsucceedifsheletsthepressuresinthesituationpushhertorepeatthesamepatternsoffailure.Revisingthescriptisheronlyhopeforsuccess.VickycreatesanewscriptfordealingwithMichael,whosepunitivestylemusthavepushedherpredecessorsintoreactiveself-

whosepunitivestylemusthavepushedherpredecessorsintoreactiveself-protectionorfury.Shealsowritesanewscriptforworkingwithhersubordinatesthatemphasizesinformation,teamwork,support,andtrust—ratherthandemandsandthreats.Butthatisnotenough.Vickyalsoneedstoguidetheteamtorevisetheircurrentscriptsfordealingwiththeirjobs,theirboss,eachother—andMichael.

4. EngageDeeply:EvolveorExit

VickyconsistentlychoosestoengagebothMichaelandherteam.Michael'sfire-breathingstyleiswell-designedtofrightenandkeeppeopleoff-balance:“Staybackoryoumightgetburned!”VickyunderstandsthatitisbettertoengageonhertermsthancontinuallyreacttoMichael's.Sosheworkstoinitiateandengagewithastrategybuiltaroundtransparency,nosurprises,specificcommitments,andrealisticoptimism.HercommitmenttomakeMichaellookgoodiskeytoherapproach.ShetakesinitiativeandmakesoffersthatarehardforMichaeltorefuse,muchashemightlike.IfMichaelcontinuestosaynotothingsthatareclearlyandrationallyinhisbestinterest,Vickylearnssomethingimportant.IfMichaelisbeyondreasonableinfluence,itmaybetimetodocumentandconsiderherexitoptions.

Notes

1.InhisclassicLeadershipWithoutEasyAnswers(Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversityPress,1998,chapter6),RonaldHeifetzassertstheimportanceof“givingtheworkbacktothepeople.”Leadersprovideprotection,order,anddirection;buttheadaptivelearningnecessaryforgroupororganizationalchangeonlycomeswhenfollowersengage,discover,andlearnforthemselves—andaccepttheresponsibilityfordoingso.Thisisespeciallyimportantwhen“theapplicationofknownmethodsandprocedureswillnotsuffice”(125).

2.MarshallGoldsmithandMarkReiter,WhatGotYouHereWon'tGetYouThere:HowSuccessfulPeopleBecomeEvenMoreSuccessful(NewYork:Hyperion,2007).

PARTVIIAHAPPYENDING?

21THENEWBOSSEIGHTEENMONTHSAFTERARRIVINGATtheDallasoffice,Vickytappedlightlyontheframeoftheopenofficedoor.“Gotaminute?”

Michaellookedup.“Notreally.”HeturnedbacktothefilesonhisdeskasVickyenteredtheofficeandtookaseat.Shewaitedforhimtolookup.

“What'syourproblemnow?”Michaelsaidbeforelookingdownagainathiswork.

“Michael,I'vebeenofferedanotherjobandI'mgoingtotakeit.”

Helookedup.“Nottoosurprised.Itoughenyouupandsomeoneelsebenefits.SorryI'llmissyourfarewellparty.”

“I'velearnedalotinDallas,andIfeelgoodaboutwhatwe'vebeenabletodo.”

“Sowho'stheluckysuitor?”Michaelsaidasheagainlookeddownattheworkinfrontofhim.

“I'mgoingtoCorporate,Michael.HeadofNorthAmericanoperations.There'llbeaformalannouncementnextMonday.Iwanttotelltheteambeforehand.”

Michaellookedup.Vickyhadneverseenhimsocompletelystunned.Hischeeksgrewredasherwordssunkin.Whenhespoke,hisangerwasbarelycontrolled.“I'vebeenworkingmybuttoffhereforeightyears.Sixoperations.Fightingfireafterfire.Youcomeinandjumpoverme,andgetthejobIwant.Howthehelldidyoudothat,sister?”

“That'sagoodquestion.AshortansweristhatitwaspartofaplanthatIdidn'tknowabout.TheyfiguredifIcouldmakeagoofthisjob,I'dbereadyforsomethingbigger.Iwanttotalkaboutthat.Wealsoneedtotalkabouttransition.”

“Oh,yeah.OrshouldIsay,anythingyouwant.”Hepaused.“Boss.”

“ThatwouldbetheoldMichaelspeaking.I'mhopingforthenewMichaelwithabrightfuture.That'swhoIwanttoworkwith.”

Michaelstaredatherasifherwordsmadenosense.Hisscowldeepenedandhisfacegotevenredder.Vickyhadthesenseofbeinginasmallroomwithanangry,woundedbeastthatmightattackatanymoment.Shefelttenseandgave

angry,woundedbeastthatmightattackatanymoment.Shefelttenseandgaveherselftimetoquiettheinnerturmoil.Finally,shespokeagain.

“Michael,you'rethemostchallengingbossI'veeverworkedfor.”

“Soyoucan'ttaketheheatandyou'regettingoutofthekitchen.”

“Well,atfirstIdidn'tknowifIcouldstandtheheat.Corporatedidn'tknoweither.That'soneofthereasonstheyputmehere.Totestmyresolveandresilience.Like,ifIcouldworkwellwithyou,Icoulddealwithanything.”

VickyknewshewastellingMichaelthingshehadheardbefore,butshestillwatchedcarefullyforhisresponse.

“Hell,yeah,I'mtough.That'swhatgotmewhereIam.”

Vickypausedbeforeresponding.Slowandgentle,shetoldherself.“Andareyoualsoawareit'swhatkeptyouhere?”

Michaelstaredather,mouthopen.Vickywaited.

“Whatinthehellareyoutalkingabout?”

“Michael,youwanttobesuccessful,andIwantyoutobesuccessful.You'reassmartandknowledgeableaboutthisindustryasanyoneinthecompany.”

“So,”hesaid,disgustinhisvoice,“thentellmewhyyou'regettingthepromotion.”

“Haveyounoticedthatyourresultshaveimproved,sincewestartedworkingtogether?”

“Andofcourseyou'retakingfullcreditforthat?”

Vickypausedagain.“Isaidwe,notme.Thatmightbethebiggestdifferencebetweenus.”

Michaellookedpuzzled.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Michael,youdon'tsay‘we’veryoften.Ithinkyourresultswillbebetterifyoustartthinkingandsayingitmore.”

“Oh,Igetit,”Michaelresponded,makingnoefforttohidethesarcasm.“Wejustsitaround,holdhands,andalltalknice.Workgetsdonebyitself,eh?”Michaelpushedoverthestackoffoldersonhisdesk,andtheyscatteredacrossit.Afewfelltothefloor,andheleftthemthere.

“Peopleseemeasoptimistic,Michael.ButIhopetheydon'tgettheimpressionthatI'msoftornaïve.Optimismworksforme.Sodoesrespectandengagement.IfindwhenIexpectgoodthingsfrompeopleandtreatthemasIwouldliketobe

IfindwhenIexpectgoodthingsfrompeopleandtreatthemasIwouldliketobetreated,theyusuallycomethrough.I'mhopingforthesamewithyou.”

Michaelwassilent.Vickywaiteduntilhespokeagain.“Don'tholdyourbreath,”hefinallysaid.

“Noneed.Iexpectwe'llbeseeingalotofeachother.Thisofficeisheadedinagooddirection.Weneedtokeepthatgoing.Let'splantomeetontransitionissues.Theteamwillwanttoknownextsteps.Ihavetwospecificagendaitemsforthatmeeting.Youmayhaveothers.I'llwantyourthoughtsonwhetherMadisonisreadyformyjob,andhowwe'llassurethattheteamcontinuestogetthesupportitneeds.”

“I'mbookedsolidforthenextfewdaysorso.I'llhaveSandysetupameetingwhenI'mmoreopennextweek.”

“Let'stryfordayaftertomorrow,Michael.Thisisimportantenoughtofindanopening.Canyoucheckyourcalendarnowforwhatyoucanreschedule?We'llwantafullhour.”

Asshelefthisoffice,VickyknewtherewasnoguaranteeofsuccesswithMichael.Theremightcomeatimewhenitwouldbenecessarytopartways.But,annoyingashewas,Michaelhadtalentandexperience.Howmuchofwhatshewasseeing—Michael'snegativity,defensiveness,unpredictablebarbs—ishim,andhowmuchissituational?Withbettercoachingandclearerexpectations,couldengagementworkevenwithMichael?Vickywasn'treadytogiveupyet.

EPILOGUETHESUREROUTETOSUCCESS:ENGAGEMENTThatiswhatlearningis.Yousuddenlyunderstandsomethingyou'veunderstood

allyourlife,butinanewway.

—DorisLessing

ASTHECURTAINFALLSONOURWORKPLACESAGA,Vickyismovingup,andMichaelisstuckinthesamejob,wondering,Whyherandnotme?PartoftheanswerisVicky'sskillandsavvyinorchestratingaturnaroundwhereothershadfailed.Shebroughtopenness,determination,andgooddiagnosticskillstothedeepengagementofthedifficultandunderperformingpeoplesheinherited.Aturnaroundtakesteamwork,evenforthemostskilledandexperiencedofleaders.

Vickybeganbyclarifyingifshehadtherightpeopleforherteam,affirmingtheircommitment—orarrangingtheirexit—andcreatingtherightconditionsforeachtobringtheirbesttothework.Whatlookedlikeatransformationalmiracleofamotleycrewwasatitscoredeepengagementandskilledapplicationofprovenprinciplesforworkplacesuccess:separatingpeoplefromtheproblem,identifyingindividualcapabilitiesandneeds,testingassumptions,clarifyingrolesandexpectations,providingsupportandcoaching,fosteringnewunderstandingsofoneselfandothers,treatingpeoplewithrespectandprofessionalism(andaskingforthesameinreturn),settingcleargoalsandholdingpeopleaccountableforthem,addressingproblemsinatimelymanner,movingtowarddifficultpeople—notaway,andmodelinghealthywaystoself-manageandunhookinthefaceofstressandstrain.TherulesofengagementguidedVickyinherefforts.

AsecondpartoftheanswertoMichael'squestionistheskillandsavvyVickybroughttothechallengeofworkingforabully.Sheshowedcourageousengagement:craftingandtestingstrategiesforworkingandcopingwithaverydifficultindividualinthecontextofaboss-subordinateroleandpowerstructure.Theturnaroundwouldhavebeenimpossiblewithoutthat,aswouldVicky's—andherteam's—healthandsanity.

Vicky'sskillsandaccomplishmentsbeforeshearrivedinDallashadearnedheranothervitalasset—shehadallies.Theseincludedfriendsinhighplaceslikeheadquartersexecutiveswhoofferedheropportunitiesforgrowthand

promotion,andhermentorandformerboss,Peter.TheyalsoincludedcolleagueslikethenetworksshetappedtoprepareforDallas.Overtime,Vickyturnedherteamintostrongallies—andVicky'sstrongexternalsupportwasakeytoMadison'sdecisiontojoinratherthanopposeher.Vickyknowstheimportanceofgoodpoliticalengagementskills:sheknowshowtomakealliesandisnothesitanttoreachouttothem.Ifthisislesstrueforyou,askhowyoucouldbegintochangethat.

StrongalliesgaveVickypoliticalassetsthattargetsofbullyingoftenlack.Vickyhadpowerfulprotectors,likePeter,wholistenedinacontextofsupport,respect,andfirst-handknowledgeofherwork.AlthoughVickydidnotknowitwhenshetookonDallas,Corporatehadplansforher.AsignalfromPetertoparachuteher—orMichael—outshouldthesituationbecomedestructivegavehervitalpoliticalcover.Targetsofbulliesoftengoitaloneandcometobeseenaspoorperformersordisgruntledwhistleblowers.Theircoworkersoftenabandonthemorsidewiththebullyforself-protection.InadequateresponsesfromHRorseniormanagement1addtothechallenge.IfVickyhadnothadstrongallies,herstorymighthavehadamoredismalending.2

Thesolitarysuperheroisastapleinfilmandfiction,butgoingitaloneisrarelyastrategyforsuccessintheworkworld—particularlyinthefaceofhostilityandbullying.Successandsanityaremucheasiertoachievewhenyounurtureanetworkofsupport—yourtribe3—tobethereforyou.

InthecontrastbetweenVickyandMichael,wealsoseethefruitsoftwodistinctmodelsofpeoplemanagementthatarewidelyfoundatworkandelsewhere.Eachmodelsometimesworks,butVicky'sisabetterbetinthemodernworkplace.Michael'sstylehasservedhimwellenoughtogethimwhereheis,buthaskepthimfromprogressingfurther.Vickyhaspassedhimontheroadtocareersuccessfollowingprinciplesofcollaborativeengagementthatrespondtocriticalrequirementsintwenty-first-centuryorganizations:thecapacitytosolvehardproblemsinacomplexandvolatileworld,workeffectivelyinaworldofenduringdifferences,buildhigh-performingteams,andbringoutthebestinindividualcontributors.

Michael'sapproachtopeopleisbuiltonclassicbeliefsthatemployeesworkbestwhentheyaretightlycontrolled,closelymonitored,andmotivatedmorewithstickthancarrot.It'scapturedbyanoldcartoonline,“Thebeatingswillcontinueuntilperformanceimproves.”Builtonprinciplesofself-interest,competition,andmotivatingthroughfear,itseesworkersandrelationshipssimplyastoolstobeusedfortheendofgettingworkdone.Peoplewhofollowthismodelseethemselvesastoughandrealisticsurvivorsinacutthroatworld.Sometimes,in

themselvesastoughandrealisticsurvivorsinacutthroatworld.Sometimes,insomecircumstances,they'reright.Butthosetimesandplacesarefadingintothepast:theoldwaysdon'tworkaswellastheyusedto.

Vicky'sapproachisgearedtothefast-paced,turbulent,diverse,technology-infused,andcomplexglobalworldfacingmodernmanagers.Inthatworld,thetraditionalmodelofconcentratingdecisionsatthetopandexpectingeveryonebelowtodowhatthey'retoldcreatesmoreproblemsthanitsolves.Decision-makersatthetopcan'tkeepupbecausetoomuchishappeningtoofast.Theycannevergetalltheinformationtheyneedtomaketimelydecisions,norcantheybringallthecreativityandinnovationessentialforadaptingtothefastpaceofchange.Whatworksnowisempoweringandsupportingcapabledecision-makersateverylevel—encouragingeveryonetoleadandmakegooddecisionswhethertheyaresittingattheheadorthefootofthetable.That'swhyVicky'sapproachtopeopleemphasizesempowerment;validinformation;strongteams;collaborativeproblemsolving;andengagingpeopleinchallengingtasksthatusetheirdiverseknowledge,experience,perspectives,andexpertise.

Vicky'sapproachisalsounderpinnedbyarespectforthehumancapacitytolearnanddevelopwhenencouragedandsupportedtodoso.Shecouldhavewrittenoffhermotleycrew,whohadfailedundermultiplebosses.Theirapproachtoworkandtooneanotherseemedmoreself-centeredandidiosyncraticthangearedtowardsharedgoalsorthebottomline.Vicky'sowncareerwasontheline.Whowouldhaveblamedherforwantingacleanslateandnewtalent?

ButVickyunderstandssomethingimportantabouthumannatureandrelationships.Peoplealmostneverchoosetofail,butsometimestheyareinsituationsthatmakeitveryhardforthemtosucceed.Ortheymayperpetuateoldhabitsofthoughtandactionthatnolongerservethemwell.Vickyknowsthatwhathasbeenlearnedcanbeunlearned.Withamind-setofoptimism,strongbeliefinthehumancapacitytogrow,andclearrulesofengagement,Vickysetouttoprovideherteammemberswithopportunitiestorisetotheirpersonalbest.Sheacceptedthattheworkwouldbehardandwouldrequirepatience,focus,andpersistence.Butherwillingnesstoengagepeoplewithrespect,clearexpectations,andhonestfeedbackmadeadifference—forthebusiness,forVickyandhercareer,andforeachmemberofthecrew.Vicky'sclosingcommentstoMichaeldemonstratethestrengthofherbeliefsinhumanpotential.

TheSUREPrinciples:RemembertheBasicsVicky'ssuccessillustratesthepowerofourfourrulesofengagement.Inearliersections,wediscussedhowtheprinciplesapplytomanyofthetoughestpeoplechallengesyouwillencounter.Here,wereviewthemwithafocusonwhytheywork.

1. Stop,Look,andLearn(BeforeYouLeap)

Doingwhatyoualreadyknowoftenworksforproblemsyou'veseenbeforeandknowhowtosolve.Whenyourunintoanewchallenge,it'stemptingtomovefasttocleartheever-fullplatesoyoucangettothenextitemawaitingyourattention.Solvingfamiliarproblemsquicklyisabasicmanagementskill,butprosalsoknowhowtospottheblackswansandsolvethehardstuff.Thatiswhatsetsyouapartfromthecrowd.Thatworkrequiresopen,flexible,anddeliberatehabitsofthemind.

ThesehabitsinformourRule1:takethetimetolook(andlearn)whenyoufindyourselffacingstubborn,messysituationsinwhichit'shardtoknowwhat'sreallygoingonandwhatyoucandoaboutit.Inaworkworldthatoftenrewardssnapjudgments—evenbadones—ittakesdisciplineandefforttodevelopthekindofsystematicapproachtounderstandingself,others,andsituationsthatVickyillustrates.Italsotakescourage,workablestrategies,andfinessetowithstandpressuresfrombosseslikeMichaelwhentheyinsistthatyouseetheworldastheydo,dowhattheytellyou,andgetitdonefast.

Sense-makingisthedifficultartattheheartofsolvingdifficultpeopleproblems.Itinvolvesthreebasicsteps:noticesomething,decidewhattomakeofit,anddeterminewhattodoaboutit.Humansareprettygoodatallthree,butwedothemsoautomaticallythatwecaneasilyoverlookthreeimportant—andlimiting—featuresoftheprocess.

1. Sense-makingisincompleteandpersonal.Inanygivensituation,youcanattendtoonlyaportionoftheavailableinformation.Younoticesomethings,ignoreothers,anddrawconclusions—andthesestepsoccursofastyoubarelyknowtheyarehappening.Forthatreason,yourconclusionsfeelmorelikeTruthandthewaytheworldreallyisthanthepersonalinterpretationstheyare.Soyouseelittleneedtoquestionyourinterpretationsorretracethestepsyoutooktoreachthem.

2. Sense-makingisinterpretiveandself-sealing.Whenthrownintolife'songoingstreamofexperiences,youcreateexplanationsofwhatthingsmean—andoftenassumethatotherseitherseethingsthesamewayor,iftheydon't,theyarewrong.Onceyou'vedevelopedyourinterpretation,you'lloftendefendratherthantestit.Thatcanleadtostubbornlyinsistingyou'rerighteventhoughyouaren'tgettingtheresultsyouwant.

3. Sense-makingisprescriptiveandaction-oriented.Yourpersonalinterpretationscontainimplicitprescriptionsforhowyouandothersshouldrespond.If,forexample,youagreedwithMadison'sassessmentthatCarlosisalostcause,you'llfirehim.Ifyoubelieveimprovedmoraleisthepathtoincreasedproductivity,you'llvaluehim.It'seasytobeoffandrunningbeforeyou'resurewhat'shappeningandwhereyoushouldreallybeheading.

“Wecarveoutorderbyleavingthedisorderlypartsout,”concludeseminentpsychologistWilliamJames;4andwe'rerarelyawarethatthisiswhatwearedoing.Whenwegetthingswrong,we'reinabind—wouldweratherflip-flopordefendsomethingthat'swrong?

Youincreaseyourabilitytogetitrightbytakingthetimetostop,look,andlearnusingstrategieswe'vediscussed,likestudyyourchallenge,analyzepeopleincontext,andunderstandothers'problemsandpressures.

2. Unhook(ToGetFree)

Wheneveryoufaceastubbornchallengeandnothingseemstowork,unhookingoffersapathtofreedom.Unhookingistheprocessoflettinggoofassumptions,automaticemotionalresponses,andoldhabitsthatkeepyoustuck.Whenthingsgowrong,itistemptingtoprotectyourself-esteembyinsistingthatyou'refinejustasyouare,andsomeoneelseisresponsibleforyourproblems.Thatmakesithardtoseeyourresponsibilityforfailedinteractions.Asaresult,youdon'tseeotheroptionsandtheneedtosearchforthem.Yougetcaughtinthesameemotionalstewandrepeatthesameineffectivebehaviorsagainandagain.Ithappenstousall—andmorethanwerealize.Itisparticularlycommoninthemoststressfulandchallengingsituationsthatweencounter,anddifficultpeopleproblemsfallintothatcategory.Theresultisthatwemayhandleroutineinteractionswithaplomb,butflounderwiththosethatdemandourbest.

Mentorsorfriendscanhelpyouunhook.Itiseasiertolearnaboutthegapsbetweenyourintentionandimpact5whenotherstakethetimetohelpyou

seethem.That'sthepowerofhonestfeedback.It'sacornerstoneforpersonalandprofessionalgrowth,andtryingtofixpeopleproblemswithoutunderstandingwhatyoumaycontributetothemisarecipeforfailure.Lookinginthemirror—separatingwhat'syoufromwhat'sotherpeople,takingresponsibility,andfacingfear—givesyoutheinsightsyouneedtolearnaboutyourself,seenewpossibilitiesforeffectiveinteractionwithothers,andbeconfidentinthem.

3. RevisetheScript(ChangeandOthersWill,Too)

Ifyoukeepdoingwhatyou'vealwaysdone,otherswillprobablydothesame,andyou'llallstaystuckinwhatevermorassyou'rein.Relationshipsarelikeadanceandarebuiltonthesamegeneralrules:partnersmovetogetherinanagreed-uponpattern,influencedbytherhythmandstepsofwhoeverisleading.AsPeterremindsVicky,ifyouchangehowyouleadthedance—howyouinteractwithothers—theywillprobablyresponddifferently.Strategieswe'vediscussed—likeunderstandingandspeakingopenlyabouthot-buttonissues(andworkingtogetbeyondtheirtacitgrasp),interruptingunproductivescripts,andofferingsolutionsratherthanproblems—getyouonamorecreativeandsatisfyingpath.Newbehaviorsarejustthat,sowriteoutdifferentscenariosforyourself.Beforeyouusethem,practice;thenpracticesomemore.

4. Engage(Leanin,MoveCloser)

Complicated,fast-pacedworkenvironmentsincreasethefrequencyandtheimportanceofpeopleproblemsbecausetheyrequireindividualsfromdifferentplaceswithdifferentexperiences,styles,backgrounds,andperspectivestocometogetherandfigureoutquicklyhowtogetthingsdone.Differencesleadtodivergentinterpretationsofwhat'sgoingon,what'simportant,andwhatweshoulddo,yetinterdependencemeansthatwehavetodealwithoneanotherandfindcommonground.Thestageissetfordiscomfort,confusion,andconflict,muchaswemightlikeseamlesscollaboration.We'llfailifwestarttopullawayfromeachotherwheneverdifferencessurfaceandrelationshipsgethard.

Weneedinsteadtounderstandandpracticebasicwaysofmovingcloser.Weneedtoproactivelyengageandlearnfromoneanotherthroughinquiryandskilledcandor.Engagementatitscoreispartnering,befriending,andacknowledgingtherichnessofourhumanity.Exploringdifferencesandstayingthecoursewhenitgetsdifficult—asVickydemonstratesinherinteractionswithMichael—providesthecruciblesinwhichwecanlearn

interactionswithMichael—providesthecruciblesinwhichwecanlearnaboutthetrade-offsamongourcompetinggoalsandperspectives,andfromwhichwewillfindinnovativesolutionstotoughproblems.

IncomparingVickyandMichael,weseethatsuccessfulengagementisbuiltonfinesse,notforce.Forcemaygetyouwhatyouwantintheshortterm,butitcreatesenemiesandthrowssandinthegearsofrelationshipsandcollectiveproblem-solving.Itinvitesunproductive,win-losebattlesoverwho'sright,notwhat'sright.Thosewhouseforcerarelygetthefeedbacktheyneedtoseethenegativeimpactoftheirstrategiesbecausetheirbehaviorpushespeopleawayandintoself-protectionmode.WhenMadisontoldMichaelinChapter20that“Thetruthisthere'sbeenaclimateoffearandhostilityaroundhere,”itwasthefirsttimeoneofhissubordinatesfoundthecouragetotellhimthathisstylehadcreatedaworkplacethaterodedmotivationandfedneedlesscompetition.Insuchaworld,noonetakesresponsibilityformuchbeyondlookingoutforoneself.

Incontrast,finessetakessubtletyandartistry.Itrequiressavvyandarangeofinterpersonalskills[manythatwediscussindetailinthenextsection,SkillsofEngagement].Inanyenvironmentthatputsapremiumoncollaborationandgoodteamwork,successgoestothosewhoknowhowtopracticerelationshipjiujutsu,askforhelp,posegoodquestionstofacilitatereflectionandcreativeproblemsolving,andcommunicatewithclarityandrespect.

Successfulengagementbuildstrust,whichisatthecoreofeffectiverelationships.Peoplewhocannottrustoneanotherwillhavetroubledoinganythingtogether.Thosewhodotrustcanaccomplishgreatthings.Individualswhotellthetruth,deliveroncommitments,listenactively,avoidunpleasantsurprises,andkeeppromises,buildthetrusttheyneedtoworkeffectivelyacrossboundariesandovertime.

ConclusionHaroldPinterwonaNobelPrizeforbrilliantplaysthatprobethecomplexitiesandfrailtiesofhumaninteraction.Heoncewrote,“Communicationistooalarming.Toenterintosomeoneelse'slifeistoofrightening.Todisclosetoothersthepovertywithinusistoofearsomeapossibility.”6Hiswordscapturealltoowellthedoubtsandfearsthatkeeppeopleapartandunderminetheirabilitytoworkwithothers.Becausethosedeepfearsanddoubtswillalwaysbewithyou,theworkofbuildingeffectiverelationshipswillneverbeeasy.ThatiswhytheprinciplesintheSUREmodelaresovaluable.Theyprovideacompasstoguideyoutoasafeharboramidadauntingandmessyinterpersonalstorm.Theyprovidedirectionwhenyoufeelbefogged.Sailon!Hardasitwillsometimesbe,thejourneytobringyourbestselftoyourrelationships—andtohelpothersdothesame—isworththeeffort.

Notes

1.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/being-bullied.

2.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/impact/physical-health-harm;www.workplacebullying.org/multi/pdf/2011-IP-B.pdf.

3.AmitSood,TheMayoClinicGuidetoStress-FreeLiving(Philadelphia:DaCapoPress,2013),

4.R.D.Richardson,Jr.,WilliamJames:IntheMaelstromofAmericanModernism(NewYork:MarinerBooks,2006),5.

5.Thedistinctionbetweenintentionandaction—betweenone'sespousedtheoryandtheoryinuse,inthelanguageofChrisArgyrisandDonaldSchön—isalandmarksetofideasinbothorganizationalandleadershiptheory.Importantworksbytheauthorsdevelopingthisdistinctioninclude:ChrisArgyris,IncreasingLeadershipEffectiveness(NewYork:JohnWiley&Sons,1976);ChrisArgyris,TeachingSmartPeopleHowtoLearn,HarvardBusinessReviewClassics(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchoolPress,2008);ChrisArgyrisandDonaldSchön,TheoryinPractice:IncreasingProfessionalEffectiveness(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1992);andDonaldSchön,TheReflectivePractitioner:HowProfessionalsThinkinAction(NewYork:BasicBooks,1983).

6.HaroldPinter,CompleteWorks1954–1960,vol.1(NewYork:GrovePress,1976),15.

THESKILLSOFENGAGEMENTTUTORIALSUCCESSFULUSEOFTHESUREMODELDEPENDSonskillfulapplicationofthefourrulesofengagementandofthefoundationalskills,practices,andhabitsofmindthatunderpinthem.

Theactionmovesquicklyinourstory,andintheinterludeswediscusswhatweseeunfolding.ThistutorialdigsmoredeeplyintothehowtobehindthestrategiesandchoicesVickyexemplifiesandintohowyoucanbegintoaddeachinnewordeeperwaystoyourprofessionalrepertoire.Our“TryThis”suggestionsgetyoustarted,andthereareplentyofreferencesinthefootnotestoenabledeeperstudy.

Thetutorialservesasahandyprimerforidentifyingspecificskillsthatcanbecombinedtotransformdifficultrelationshipsatwork.Thissectioncoversalotofgroundandmightfeeloverwhelmingifyoutrytotakeitallinatonego.Useitinsteadasareference.Returntoitperiodicallytobrushupoldskillsoracquirenewones.Dipintoitwhenyouarelookingforideasabouthowtohandleparticularchallengesorwhenyoufeelyourcurrentstrategiesaren'ttakingyouwhereyouneedtogo.

Weusethefourrulesofengagementtoorganizethematerials,andprovideasummarychartforyourconvenience.Noteveryskillorhabit,however,fitsneatlyinonlyonecategory.

Inquiry,forexample,isdiscussedasabuildingblockforthefirstrule(stop,look,andlearn).Butinquirycanalsobeawaytounhook.WeseeVickyaskingMichaelquestionstodeflecthiscausticbarbsandstayfocusedonhergoals.Shealsousesinquiryanddifferentkindsofquestionstobemoreconfrontinginconversationswithteammembers—revisingherinitialscripts,forexample,inhersecondmeetingswithMadisonandCarlos.

Developingskillsorhabitsrequiresmorethanjustreadingaboutthem.Aswithlearningtoplaybasketballorthesaxophone,virtuosoperformancerequiressustainedeffort,learningfrommistakes,exercisestostretchtechnique,andpracticeovertime.Ourgoalhereistoencourageyoutoinventoryyourownrepertoireofrelationshipskillstoexplorethosethatyouwanttodeveloporenhance.Onceyou'vesetlearninggoals,youcanstartpracticing,reflectonyourprogress,findwaystoaddtowhatyouknow,andthenpracticesomemore.Instructionandfurtherreadingcanacceleratetheprocess,buttheoldadageisstilltrue:experienceisthebestteacher.

stilltrue:experienceisthebestteacher.

SURERulesofEngagement Skills,Practices,andHabitsoftheMindStop,Look,andLearn Inquiry

TestingThinkinggrayandfreeInformedcompassion

Unhook ReflectionandjournalingConsultingMindfulvigilanceEnhancingresilience,buildingmentalstrengthJoyfulattentiontraining

RevisetheScript GeneratingoptionsCreatingscenariosHumor

Engage—EvolveorExit SkilledcandorGivingandreceivinggoodfeedback

Stop,Look,andLearn

Inquiry

Alwaysthebeautifulanswer/Whoasksamorebeautifulquestion.1

—e.e.cummings

Westartwithinquiryforareason.Itisfoundationalforlearning,problemsolving,innovation,personalandprofessionalgrowth,andrelationshipbuilding.Goodquestionscanchangelivesandthecourseofhistory,andtheresolutionofbigandthornysocialproblemsrequiresthem.Fewaretaughtintheirprofessionaltrainingtoaskgoodquestionsortofullyappreciatethebenefits.Journalistsmaybetherareexception.2

Weconcentratehereoninquiryasaninterpersonalskilltofosterbetterexchangeswiththedifficultpeopleinyourlife,butnotethevalueandimportanceofthequestionsyouask—ordon'task—toyourself.

Inquiryseekstodiscoverorlearnwhatothersthink,know,want,orfeel.Thebasicinquiryskillisknowinghowtoaskgoodquestions.Goodquestionstypicallybeginwithwordslikehow,why,orwhat.Theygobeyondaskingforayesornoresponse.Theyencouragepeopleinsteadtoprovideinformation,describetheirthinking,exploreideas,sharetheirperspective,orconsidernewpossibilities.Goodinquiryisnecessaryfortestingideas,seekingfeedback,learningfromothers,andsituationaldiagnosis.AswenoteatseveralpointsinVicky'sstory,inquiryalsoservesasaskillfulalternativetoadvocacy—agentlewaytoasksomeonetoconsideranideaorapossibilitythatheorshemightotherwiseresist.Thiscanbeawin-winforbothparties,astheylearnfromoneanotherandseenewoptions.Tightlyconnectedtogoodinquiryisactiveandattentivelistening.Thebenefitsofinquiryarelostifothersseeitasatechniqueandnotaroutetodeeperunderstanding.

EdgarScheindefines“humbleinquiry”3asthefineartofaskingothersquestionsbasedonyourcuriosityandsincereinterestinthem.Thepurposeistodrawothersoutandintoacloserandmoretrustingrelationship.Scheinseeshumbleinquiryasaninvestmentoftimeandattentiontobuildfoundationsforeffectiveteamwork.

Inquiryisahabitofthemindthatdoesnotcomeeasilytoeveryone,especiallyinaworldthatvaluesexpertswhohaveanswers.Businessorganizationsoftenview

questionsas“inefficient”andtheantithesisofaction,taskcompletion,andforwardmomentum,accordingtoClaytonChristensen,4anadvocateofgoodquestionsasawaytofosterdisruptiveinnovation.Theimageofthecharismaticextrovert—someonewhospeaksoutandspeaksup—stilldominateseverydaybeliefsabouteffectiveandpowerfulleadership.5

TryThis

Enhancingyourinquiryskillssuggestsattentiontotwoareas:(1)increasingyouruseofquestions,and(2)askingbetterquestions.Startbyseeingwhereyouareoneach.

1. Compareyouradvocacyandinquirycounts:Overthecourseofthenextweek,bemindfulinyourconversationswithothersaboutthebalancebetweenyouradvocacy(telling)andyourinquiry(asking).Taketimeafteranumberofselectedconversationstothinkabout:Howmanyquestionsdidyouasktheotherversushowmanystatementsdidyoumake?Trackingyourratioofadvocacyandinquiryallowsyoutoworkonchangingthebalance.

2. Descriptivequestions:Takeasagoalforadayoratimetoavoidaskingquestionsthatseekayesornoanswer.Substituteinsteadquestionsthatbeginwithhow,why,orwhat.Howeasyisthatforyou?Howdoesthatchangethetenorofyourconversations?Whydoyouthinkthatis?Whathaveyoulearnedaboutothersasaresult?

TestingYourassumptionsareyourwindowsontheworld.Scrubthemoffeveryoncein

awhile,orthelightwon'tcomein.6

—AlanAlda

Betterthinkingisakeytointerpersonaleffectiveness—andgreatleadership.7Youincreaseyourchancesofrelatingwelltoothersandachievingtheresultsyouwantwhenyouunderstandhownaturalfeaturesinhumancognitioncangetyouintotrouble.TheLadderofInference,developedbyChrisArgyris,8canhelp.Itisasetofideasworthyofdeeperstudyandatthecoreoftheorganizationallearningmovement,furtheredbytheworkofPeterSenge.9

TheLadderofInferencebasicallydescribesthethinkingprocessyougothrough,usuallywithoutrealizingit,inmovingfromperceptiontoaction.Fromthepoolofallthedirectlyobservabledataaroundyou,younoticecertainthingsandignoreothers.Youthenmoveonestepuptheladderanddecidewhatthedatameans—youinterpretitbasedonyourexistingknowledge,beliefs,and

preferences.Movingupanotherstep,youdrawconclusionsabouthowyoushouldrespondtothemeaningthatyousee.Thewholeprocesshappensveryfast,usuallyoutsideofawareness.

What'simportantforourpurposehereistorecognizehowquicklyandtacitlyyoucanjumpfromfacttoaction—fromthebottomrungoftheladdertothetop—unawareofthewaysyourchoices,beliefs,experiences,assumptions,andinferencesmayhaveledyoutowrongconclusionsalongtheway.Yourpersonalinterpretationsfeelliketruthtoyou—butmaynotbe.That'swhytestingisvital.

Peopleoftenbelieveorassertthingsthatarenottrue,andgetintotroublebyactingasiftheywere.OneoftheskillsthatVickydemonstratesoftenduringherearlydaysinDallasisasystematicandpersistentapproachtotestingideasthatsheishearingordeveloping.Assheformulateshypothesesaboutthemembersofherteam,shelooksforwaystogetadditionalinformationthatwouldhelphertestwhichonessheshouldretainandwhichonessheshoulddrop.

Theconceptoftestingcanalsobeveryusefulasawaytodealwithdisagreement.Whenpeoplediffer,theyoftengetintoanunproductive“I'mright,you'rewrong”exchange.It'smoreproductivetonamethedisagreement(forexample:“Wedon'tagreeaboutwhetherMadisoncanbecomearealteamplayer”)andthentoask,“Whatcouldwedoorwhatinformationwouldweneedtocollectthatwouldenableustotestourdifferentassumptions?”

Testingisalsoawaytoworrylessaboutwhatothersarethinking,orwhytheymaybebehavinginthewaythattheydo.Justaskthem!

TryThis

UsetheLadderofInfluencetoslowdownyourthinkingandtobecomemoredisciplinedinrecognizingwhenyouaremakingassumptionsandoftheneedtotestthem.Onceyou'vestrengthenedthosehabitsofthemind,youcanincludemoreactivetestingintoyourconversationswithothers.Exercisestotryinclude:

1. UsetheLadderofInferencetoreflectonhowyouarethinkingaboutadifficultpersonorsituationbyaskingyourselfquestionsthatparalleltheLadder'srungs,like:

AmIconsideringallthefacts?WhatmightIbeforgetting?

HowamIthinkingabouttheinformationIhave?What'sinfluencingme?

WhatassumptionsamImakingaboutwhatIseeorhear,andhowaretheyinfluencingthestoryIamtellingmyself?

WhydoIbelievemydecisionistherightthingtodo?

WhatalternativesdoIhave?

2. AskotherstojoinyouinusingtheLadderofInfluenceasawaytodeeplyengagetheminconversationstotestyourownthinkingandtobetterunderstandtheirs.Questionslistedaboveareagoodstartingpoint.Yousignalthedesiretobetterunderstandothers,andpresentausefulmodelforapproachingdifficultsituationsgoingforward.

ThinkingGrayandFree

It'snotthatI'msosmart.ButIstaywiththequestionsmuchlonger.10

—AlbertEinstein

Difficultpeoplearedifficultbecausewhatusuallyworkswithothersinasimilarsituationdoesnotworkwiththem.Forthatreason,youneedtoharnessyourcreativebestandidentifyfreshoptionsforbreakthroughsinyourdifficultrelationships.Thinkinggrayandfree11canhelpyoubreakoutofyourcognitiveruts!

Itiseasyandalmostautomatictorushtojudgmentindealingwithnewinformationorsituationsbylabelingthemgoodorbadorrightorwrongortrueorfalse.Difficultrelationshipsarestressful;andfast,decisiveactionisonewaytorelievethestress.Butindealingwithadifficultrelationship,snapjudgmentsmayputyouonadead-endroad.Thinkingthatyouarerightandtheotheriswrong,youkeepdoingwhatyou'vealwaysdonewhilehopingtheotherpersonwillchange.Relationshipsrarelyworkthatway.To“stop,look,andlearn,”youneedtoslowlifedownandcometogripswithitsnuancesandcomplexities.WesawVickyworkhardtoavoidsnapjudgmentsthatcouldblockherabilitytofullyassessthesituation,learnaboutherselfandothers,andcontemplateherrangeofoptions.

Whenasked,managersoftensaythattheytryto“consideralltheoptions”beforereachingadifficultdecision.StevenSampledisagrees.12Managersmayconsideralltheiroptions,butdosowithintheconstraintsoftheircurrentthinkingpatternsandapproaches.Learningtothinkgrayandfreeis“anunnaturalact”thatforcesyouwellbeyondyourcomfortzonetoavoidreachinganyconclusiononatopicandasaresulttapintoyourunusedcognitivepathwaysforcreativeinsights.Asyoumovebeyondthetemptationtoplowaheadandfixthings,youwillalsoseemoreclearlywhatmatters—andwhatdoesn't.

Sample'sfavoritewaytostimulatethatkindofthinkingistocontemplateproblemsinabsolutelyoutrageousandimpossibleways.Theprocessofarrivingathishighlysuccessfulpatentdesignforadishwashercontrol,13forexample,readslikesomethingfromaCharlieChaplinmovie:SamplecrawledonthegroundtocontemplatethecontrolsfromdifferentanglesandforcedhimselftoimaginecontrollingadishwasherwithaFrenchhorn,sofa,ladybugs,electrons,haybales,andmore.Thisthinkingwassodifficultthathecouldsustainitforonlyabout10minutesatatime.Butafterafewofthesethinkingsessions,hesuddenlysawinhismind'seyethecompletecircuitdesign—andawaytodoithehadnevercontemplatedbefore.

WarrenBergersuggestsaskingyourselfdifferentkindsofquestionstosparkunexpectedinsightsandbreakthroughs.14Replace,forexample,theconventionalWhatshouldIdo?withWhyisthisanissue?WhydoIseethisasaproblem?WhatifItriedthis?andHowelsemightIdoit?Innovationcomeswhenyouchallengeyourassumptionsandallowyourselftorevelinblue-skymomentswhenanythingispossible.

TryThis

StevenSampleusesvarioustechniquestostretchhiscapabilitiestothinkgrayandfree.Twofavoritesaredescribedhere.15Tryone!

1. Resistthetemptationforbinarythinking:Forceyourselftoreadanarticle,listentoanewsreport,orengageinaconversationwithanotherandsuspendalljudgments:don'tbelieveordisbelieve,orclassifyanythingasrightorwrong.Listenandkeeptellingyourself,“that'sreallyinteresting.”Ifyoufindyoucan't,thenwritedownyourfirstimpressionaboutthematter,andforceyourselftonotthinkaboutituntilalatertime(oreveragain).Trainingyourmindto“bendoverbackwardbythinkinggraywithrespecttoafeweverydaymatters”isanexcellentwaytoovercomeyournaturalinclinationstojudgeandtothinkinayesornofashion.16

2. Contemplatetheoutrageoustogether:Gatheragroupofpeoplewhohavewidelyvaryingperspectivesandacommongoal.Askeachindividualtoproposeanoff-the-wallideaforachievingthegoal,withtheprovisothateveryotherpersoninthegroupmustrespondwithatleasttworeasonswhytheideawillwork.17Thereisabenefitinforcingyourselftolearntothinkpositivelyanddeeplyaboutanideayou'dratherquicklyreject.

InformedCompassionYoumustnothatethosewhodowrongorharmfulthings;butwithcompassion,

youmustdowhatyoucantostopthem.

—DalaiLamaXIV

Compassiondoesnotmeanfeelingsorryforpeopleorinvitingtheworld'ssufferingintoyourlivingroom:itisattunementtootherswiththehopethatthroughyourintentionalinteractionswiththem,theirsufferingisdiminished.18Compassionatitscoreisinvitingothersintoyourcircle:offeringtounderstandthemandworkingtobekindevenwhenyoudisagreewithwhattheydoorbelieve.Inthelanguageofourbook,compassionisapillarofcourageousengagement.Weaddtheadjective“informed”tounderscorethatcompassionisnotdenialorcollusion.Itisanauthenticexpressionofdeephumanconnection

andabeliefthatallcanlearn.

TheDalaiLama,theworld'ssymbolofcompassion,seesitsexpressionasself-servingwithadditionalbenefitstoothersandsocietyatlarge.

Compassioniswhatmakesourlivesmeaningful.Itisthesourceofalllastinghappinessandjoy.Anditisthefoundationofagoodheart,theheartofonewhoactsoutofadesiretohelpothers.Throughkindness,throughaffection,throughhonesty,throughtruthandjusticetowardothersweensureourownbenefit.Thisisnotamatterforcomplicatedtheorizing.Itisamatterofcommonsense.Thereisnodenyingthatourhappinessisinextricablyboundupwiththehappinessofothers.Thereisnodenyingthatifsocietysuffers,weourselvessuffer.Noristhereanydenyingthatthemoreourheartsandmindsareafflictedwithill-will,themoremiserablewebecome.19

Thepracticeofcompassionenhanceswell-beingandhappiness.Neuroscienceandthestudyofhumanphysiologyalsoconfirmthatitisgoodmedicine.20

Throughoutourstory,Vickyillustratescompassion.Herbehaviorsareconsistentlyrootedinhonesty,kindness,andrespect:meetingotherswheretheyare,movingclosertoengage,delayingnegativejudgments,andinflictingnoharm.Sheassumesthebestinothersuntilconsistentdataconfirmsotherwise—andeventhen,respondsfirstbychanginghowsherelatestothemsoastotryanotherwaytobringouttheirbest.NowhereisVicky'spracticeofcompassionmoretestedthaninherdealingswithMichael.

Practicingcompassionmayrequiretraininginlearningtosaynowithclarityandyesmoreoften.Thatmayseemcounterintuitiveadvice,yetitisnot.Noisthewordweusetoprotectourselvesandtostandupforallthatmatterstous.Itcanangerothersanddestroyrelationships,soweoftensayyeswhenwereallywanttosayno,orsaynopoorly,orsaynothingatall.Learningtodeliveraclearyetpositiveno,accordingtonegotiatingcoachWilliamUry,21fostersthehonestcommunicationandauthenticityattheheartofstrongrelationships.Thecomedyworldofimprovisationremindsusthatyes,and22isawaytovalidateandbuildonwhatothershaveinitiatedandexplorenewalternatives—foundationalstrengthsinteamwork.

TryThis

Researchshowsthatcompassionskillscanbedeveloped.Likeanyskilledbehavior,youneedinstructioninhowtoandacommitmenttopractice.Compassionincludesfourbasicsteps:(1)recognizesufferinginothers,(2)acknowledgeit,(3)setanintentiontodosomething,and(4)takeanaction.Dr.AmitSoodlaysoutaplanforhowtopracticecompassion.23Chooseastep,andseehowusingitoveraperiodoftimeimprovesthequalityoflifeforyouandforothers.Goslowtoavoidcompassionfatigue!24Youmustgraduallybuildupyourcapabilitiestostandwith,butnottakein,others'emotions.

1. Lookatdifficultbehaviorsinothersasacallforhelp.Respondwithkindness.

2. Delaysnapandnegativejudgments:trytowalkinothers'shoesandacknowledgetheurgencythatmustbedrivingsomeimportantunmetneedforthem.

3. Rememberthatnooneintentionallysetsouttosufferorbehaveineffectively.

4. Seeyourselfinothers'mistakes:thejourneytheytraveltodayisoneyoumayhavetraveledbeforeorwillinthefuture.

5. Payitforward:performrandomactsofkindness;dosomethinggoodandforgetit!

6. Actwithhumility:acttohelp,notwow!

7. Recognizethedifferencebetweenfearandcaution:cautionisrational;fearshackles.

8. Movetowardothers:leanininsimpleways.

Unhook

ReflectionandJournalingItisnecessarytositonarockandask,

WhoamI,wherehaveIbeen,andwhereamIgoing?

—CarlSandburg

DonaldSchöndescribesreflectionas“adialogueofthinkinganddoingthroughwhichIbecomemoreskillful.”25Itisaprocessoflookinginsidetolearnmoreaboutyourselfandyourrelationshiptosomethingthatmatters.Journaling—takingnotesonyourreflections—aidsthatprocess.Thegoalistogetcleareraboutwhat'sgoingoninsideyou,andhowthatinfluencesyourtakeonthesituation.

Inreflectingonadifficultrelationship,agoodwaytobeginistoaskyourself,WhatstoryamItellingmyselfaboutwhat'shappeningwiththisotherperson?WhatkindofpersondoIthinkheorsheis?WhatdoIbelievetheotherpersonisdoingtome,andwhy?

Youcanthenmoveontodeeperquestionslike,Whatfeelingsdoesthisotherpersontriggerinme?CanIthinkofothersituationsorpeoplewhohavecausedmetofeelthesameway?WhatdomyfeelingsandreactionscausemetodowhenI'mwiththisperson?Howwelldomyactionswork?CanIidentifyoldpatternsofbehaviorthatthispersonmaybetriggering?Inconstructingyourstory,heedSchön'sadvicetoallowyourselfto“experiencesurprise,puzzlement,orconfusion.”26Difficultrelationshipsaremessy,andyoucanlearnbetterifyou'rewillingtoengagethemess.

Onceyou'vewrittenyourstoryabouttheotherpersonandyourself,youcanstepbackandreflectonwhatyousee.Isittheonlystoryyoucouldtell?Whatotherwaystothinkaboutthissituationmightworkbetter?Couldadifferenttakefreeyoutoresponddifferently?Ifreflectionofthisnatureissomethingyou'verarelydone,itmayseemawkwardanddifficultatfirst.Youmaywonderifthebenefitsjustifythetimeittakes.Ifyoukeepatit,itcanhelpyourecognizeandunhookfromfeelingsandperceptionsthatlockyouintounproductivepatterns.Theultimategoaliscreativefreedom—seeingnewandbetteroptionsfordealingwithadifficultrelationship.

Anaddedbenefittoreflectionandjournalingisthepotentialforpersonalhealing.Healingisashiftinperspective.27Thiscancomewhenyouunderstandthestoriesyoutellyourselfandseetheirimpactonyourlifeovertime.Difficultpeopletriggeremotionsandtherelivingofpainfulexperiencesthatremainunresolvedforyou.Manyhavetestifiedtothehealingpowerinwritingdifficultexperiencesdown.28Itis“averysturdyladderoutofthepit”forAliceWalker,authorofTheColorPurple.29ForRayBradbury,itislife'sballast:

IfIletadaygobywithoutwriting,Igrowuneasy.TwodaysandIamintremor.ThreeandIsuspectlunacy.FourandImightaswellbeahog,sufferingthefluxinawallow.Anhour'swritingistonic.I'monmyfeet,runningincircles,andyellingforacleanpairofspats.30

Journalingtakesnoinnatetalents,althoughyou'llbecomebetteratitwithexperience.Remember,youwriteforonlyoneaudience,you.Andhavepatience!Penetratingthefamiliartoseeitsdeepermeaningishardwork.31

TryThis

Youcanbuildself-reflectionintoyourlifeinsimpleways.Ifjournalingseemstoodauntingatfirst,findotherwaystodevelopthehabitofwritingdownexperiencestoaidyourpersonalandprofessionalgrowth.Startslowlyandseehowitgoes.Youmighttry:

1. Setasidefiveminutesattheendofthedayforyoutowritedownasentenceortwoonwhattroubledyoutodayandwhatdelightedyou.Useyourcomputerorwriteinlonghandinabedsidenotebook.Lookforthemesandtrendsovertime.

2. Keepagratitudejarwithapencilandsmallslipsofpaperbesideit.Eachmorning,thinkofonethingyouaregratefulfor.Writeitonapieceofpaperanddropitinthejar.Variationsonthismightinclude,forexample,writingyourtopgoalfortheday.Orwriteintheevening,andrecordthemomentinthedaywhenyouweremostproudofyouractions.Havefun!

Consulting:SolicitInput,SeekSupport,FindaGoodSoundingBoardTherearetimestostayputandwhatyouwantwillcometoyou,andthereare

timestogooutintotheworldandfindsuchathingforyourself.32

—LemonySnicket

Unhookingrequireslettinggoofwhateveriskeepingyoustuck.Afriendorcoachcanmakethateasier.Lookforsupportandcounselfromotherswhomyoucandependontoprovidegoodinputandtohelpyoustaybalanced.Itcanbeformalorinformal,paidornotpaid.It'seasytofeelaloneandconfusedwhenyouarestrugglingtohandleadifficultrelationship.Ithelpstohavesomeonetotalktoaboutthechallengesandpossibleoptions.

Theidealconsultantissomeoneyoutrust,whoasksgoodquestions,whohasbroadandrelevantexperience,whocanengageyoutothinkmorebroadlyabouttheissues,andwhocanbeobjectiveaboutthechallengesyouface.Notallconsultantsarecreatedequal,nordotheybringthesamevalue.Youenhanceyourskillsinusingconsultantswellwhenyou:

Choosewisely.Vickymadeagoodchoiceinturningtoherformerboss,

Peter.VickytrustsPeter.Heknowsherskills,limits,andexperiencesfromtheirpastworktogether,andhehasalreadydemonstratedacommitmenttoherprofessionaldevelopment.Peter'spositionintheorganizationgiveshimtheaddedbenefitofagroundedunderstandingofVicky'schallengesandofkeyplayerslikeMichael.Inchoosingaconsultant,askyourself:

WhocanItrust?

Whocanhelpmelearn?

WhobringsrelevantskillsandexperiencesforthesituationIface?

Knowwhatyouwant.Choosingtherightconsultantalsoinvolvesknowingwhatyouwant.You'llbefrustratedifyouseekashouldertocryonandgetsomeonewhowantstosolveyourtechnicalproblems.VickyknewhowtousePeterasasoundingboardandsupportthroughtheirperiodictelephonecalls.ShealsoconsultedwithMichaelonthingsheknew,likeofficepersonnel.ShegotCarlosthetechnicalhelpheneededtoadvancetheoperations.Inchoosingaconsultant,askyourself:

WhatroledoIwantaconsultanttoplay?(AmIlookingfortechnicalinput?Personalsupportandcoaching?Asoundingboard?Anextrasetofeyes?Somecombinationofallofthese?)

Howwillweworktogether?(DoIwantface-to-facemeetings?Periodictelephonecheck-ins?Areportoutliningfindingsandsuggestions?Somethingelse?)

Communicateyourneeds.Vickywantedperiodictelephonecheck-inswithPeter,andsheconfirmedhiswillingnesstoplaythatrole.Gettingwhatyouwantfromaconsultantmeansproactivemanagementoftherelationshipandawillingnesstocommunicateyourneedsclearlyanddirectly.Inworkingwithaconsultant,askyourself:

Whatkindofagreement—formalorinformal—doIneedtoassuretheotherknowswhatIwantandneed?

Howwillweperiodicallytakestockonwhetherthingsareworkingasplanned?

Useyourconsultanteffectively.VickymadeparticularlygooduseofherconversationswithPetertotestherthinking,seeknewideas,andbuildconfidence.Shewasdirect,honest,andtothepoint.Shewasalsowillingtoaskwhenshewantedmore,asinherrequestforPeter'scasualcallto

Michael.Inworkingwithaconsultant,askyourself:

Howwellisthisrelationshipexpandingmycapacitiestounderstandmyself,others,thesituation,andmyoptions?Whatneedstohappentomakeitbetter?

Howwellisthisrelationshipexpandingmylearning?Whatneedstohappentomakeitbetter?

TryThis

Usethequestionsprovidedinthissectiontodeterminethekindofsupportandhelpyouneedfromothers.Howwillyouarrangetogetit—andtoassessperiodicallyifitismeetingyourneeds?Managingdifficultpeopleisstressful,andmaymakeyouheavycompany.Forewarnunpaidconsultantsandfriends,andcheckinregularlywiththemtomaintainthoseimportantrelationships.Supportisessentialinmanagingdifficultpeoplesituations.Casesinvolvingworkplacebullyingareextremelystressful,difficult,andcomplex.Theseshouldnotbehandledaloneorwithotherswholackstrongknowledgeofthedangerousanddestructivedynamics.33

MindfulVigilanceBymindfullyconsideringdatanotasstablecommodities,butassourcesof

ambiguity,webecomemoreobservant.34

—EllenJ.Langer

TheBuddhasaid,“Mindfulnessisthedirectpathtofreedom.”YoucanseewhythisissoinEllenLanger'sdescriptionofmindfulnessasrevolvingaround“psychologicalstatesthatarereallydifferentversionsofthesamething:(1)opennesstonovelty;(2)alertnesstodistinction;(3)sensitivitytodifferentcontexts;(4)implicit,ifnotexplicit,awarenessofmultipleperspectives;and(5)orientationinthepresent.”35Theseallpointtomindfulnessasflexibleandreceptiveawareness—aprocessofreflectingonwhat'sgoingonaroundyouandinsideyou.Vickyisamodelofthis.Langerconcludesthatthe“groovesofmindlessnessrundeep”36intoomanypeople.

Langerdistinguishesbetweenhypervigilanceandsoftvigilance.37Inhypervigilance,youfocusintentlyonsomethingimportantorthreateningtoyou.Hypervigilanceisnotalwaysabadthing,especiallyinthefaceofrealdanger.It'senergizing,buttiring.Mindfulnesscanhelpyouachievesoftvigilance—acalmandconfidentawarenessofwhat'simportanttoyouandwhereyouneedtofocusyourattention.Noteverybumpintheroadisamajorthreatorsignofimpendingdoom.You'llburnoutquicklyifyouapproachthemasiftheywere.

Therearedifferenttypesofmeditationandeachprovidesapathtopractice

mindfulness.38Sodojournaling,self-reflectionactivities,prayer,deepbreathing,guided-relaxationexercises,playingamusicalinstrument,walkingalabyrinth(ortracingapatternwithyourhand),deliberatepracticeofthevirtues(gratitude,acceptance,kindness,forgiveness,compassion,joy),knitting,walksinnature,appreciatingart,immersingyourselfinagoodbook—anyactivitythatcountersthemind'spredispositiontowanderandreturnsittoafocusonthehereandnow.Findwhatworksforyou!Payattention.

TryThis

Experimentwithvariousactivities.Youcan,forexample:

1. Practiceasimplebreathingmeditation:Findaplacetositcomfortably,relax,andfocusonyourbreathing—theflowofairinandoutofyournostrils.Initially,youmayfindthatyourmindisfloodedwithdistractingthoughts,butkeepreturningtoafocusonyourbreathing.

2. Useabookofwrittenreflections:Setasidetimetoreadandthinkaboutoneeachday.

3. Designateavirtue:Chooseavirtueandfindopportunitiesinthecourseofthedaytoactuponit.MakeMonday,forexample,adayofgratitudeanddeliberatelyseekopportunitiestoidentifysimplethingsorpeopleyouaregratefulfor.Thinkaboutthemandwishthemwell.Dedicateyourgoodworkthatdaytothem.

EnhancingResilience,BuildingMentalStrength

Humanbeingshaveenormousresilience.39

—MuhammadYunus

Thereisalargeliteratureonbuildingresilience.TheAmericanPsychologicalAssociation'sResilienceCampaign40isagoodstartingpointforidentifyingresourcesandhelpfulactions.TheAPAsuggests10basicpractices:

1. Makestrongconnectionswithfamilyandfriends:everyoneneedstheirtribe!

2. Avoidseeingcrisesasinsurmountable:it'seasytoloseperspectiveintimesofstrain.

3. Acceptchangeaspartofliving:changehappens!

4. Setgoalsanddosomethingregularlytoachievethem:smallaccomplishmentsmatter.

5. Takeactionratherthanwishingproblemswouldgoaway:personalagencyfeelsgood.

6. Findopportunitiestolearnandgrow:you'lldiscoverthingsofwhichtobeproud.

7. Nurtureapositiveviewofyourself:celebrateyourstrengths.

8. Keepthingsinperspective:s___happens!

9. Aimforahopefuloutlook:findgoodthingsinyourlife—savorthem!

10. Takecareofyourself:engageinactivitiesyoulove!

Readersmayfindthatmanyofthehabitsandpracticesdiscussedinthissectionofthebookstrengthentheirresilience—activitiessuchasjournaling,practicingthevirtues,embracingcompassion,generatingoptions,constructingscenarios,embracingjoy,andmeditation.

Inanotherbookthatwecoauthored,41weproposedstrategiestosustainleadershipvitalityandresolve.Thoseinvolveattentiontofivekeyareas—wecalledthemthe5B's:

1. Managingboundariesbetweenoneselfandothers,betweenyourlifeandyourwork.

2. Attendingtoourbodyinwaystomaintainbasicgoodhealth.

3. Bringingbalanceamongwork,friendsandfamily,andleisure.

4. Findingactivitiesthatfeedthesoul,likethebeautyandrecuperativepoweroftheartsandnature.

5. Increasingtheoddsthatyou'llbouncebackfromstressandchallengethroughresiliencetraining.

Buildingresilienceisfacilitatedbyaddinggoalsandpracticeslikethosesuggestedhere.PsychotherapistAmyMorincautionsthatbestintentionsareoftenderailednotbythegoalsyousetforyourselfinthefaceofadversityandstress,butratherthetacithabitsofthemindthatblockyourabilitytoachievethem.Sheidentifiesdysfunctionalhabitsyoumayneedtoletgoofsoastostaymentallystrong:42

1. Don'twastetimefeelingsorryforyourself.

2. Don'tgiveawayyourpower.

3. Don'tshyawayfromchange.

4. Don'twastetimeonthingsyoucan'tchange.

5. Don'tworryaboutpleasingpeople.

6. Don'tfearcalculatedrisks.

7. Don'tdwellonthepast.

8. Don'tmakethesamemistakesagainandagain.

9. Don'tresentothers'success.

10. Don'tgiveupinthefaceoffailure.

11. Don'tfeartimealone.

12. Don'tfeeltheworldowesyouanything.

13. Don'texpectresultsimmediately.

TryThis

TheAPAandBolmanandGalloslistsofferapproachesforbuildingyourcapabilitiestothriveinthefaceofdifficultsituations.Reviewthelists.Whereareyoustrong?Whichareasandpracticesneedshoringup?Makeanactionplanforgrowingsupportsandhabitsyouneedforyourlong-termsuccess.AmyMorinidentifiesbeliefsandbehaviorsthatcanholdyouback.Whichareyouholdingonto,andwhatisyourplanforjettisoningthem—onebyone?

JoyfulAttentionTraining

Findaplaceinsidewherethere'sjoy,andthejoywillburnoutthepain.43

—JosephCampbell

Youhaveundoubtedlyexperiencedmomentsof“flow”44—whenyoufelt“inthezone”andsodeeplyengagedinanactivitythattheworldaroundyoudisappeared.Timeseemstofly.Professionalmusiciansaimforthisintheirperformances;45andNBAcoachinggreat,PhilJackson,designedhiscoachingstrategyaroundhelpinghisplayersgetthere.46Butyoudon'tneedtobeaprofessionalathleteormusiciantointentionallytrainanddirectyourmindtobemorefocusedandrelaxed.Howcanyoudevelophabitsofthemindthatunderpinthekindofcalm,focused,andnonjudgmentalpersistencethatVickybroughttoherwork?Soundcomplicated?Itreallyisn't.Yourattentionislikeamuscle.Workitwithregularmentalexercisestomakeitstronger.Abitofneuroscienceexplainswhyandhow.47

Themindisneveratrest.Theidlingbrainisasactivewhenyouare“veggingout”aswhendoingacrosswordpuzzle!Unlessyoudirectit,yourbrainwilldowhatcomesnaturally:neuronswillfirespontaneouslywiththoughtsaboutyou—yourproblems,woes,andwhatifsoflife,spinninginternaldialoguesandstoriesthatrandomlyweavetogetheryourpast,present,andfuture.Theidlingmindisawanderingmind,easilydistractedbythingsotherthanwhatyouaredoingorwantingtothinkabout.48

Threethingsaboutthisareimportantforourdiscussionhere.One,itisasimportanttobeabletoturnoffpartsofyourbrainastoturnonothers.Two,you

canturnoffdysfunctionalruminationsbychoosingtoengageinanexternallyoriented,goal-directedtask.Three,whathelpsyourefocusyourattentionintheshorttermretrainsyourbrainovertime.Neuronsthatfiretogetherstaytogether,hardwiringyourbrain.49Youwanthabitsthat“right-wire”it.That'sthejoyinattentiontraining.

Dr.AmitSoodoffersstrategiesforretrainingyourattention,andsuggestspracticingfourtoeighttimesadayduringyourtrainingperiod.Youmayhavetoundolifelongcognitivetendencies,and“justasariverneedstimetocarveacanyon,resilientnewbrainpathwaysdependonrepetitiveanddeeplyfeltexperiences.”50Theactivitiesaskyoutonoticeandenjoymoredeeply,connectyourthoughtsandsenses,lookfornoveltyintheeveryday,andsuspendjudgment.Manytakebutafewminutestopractice,andtheybringincreasedpleasureandjoy.

TryThis

WesuggestafewpersonalfavoritesfromDr.Sood'strainingtogetyoustarted.Enjoyasyouexperimentandgrow!

1. Findnoveltyinarelationship:greetanotherasifmeetingafteralongtime;devotetimetosharingsomethingnewornewlyrediscoveredforeachofyou.

2. Findtheextraordinaryintheordinary:payattentiontosomedetailaroundyouinanewway—theblueoftheskytoday,thedifferentshadesofgreeninthegrass,thepatternintherugyouhavewalkedmindlesslyonsomanytimesbefore.Letanewdiscoveryofbeautyornoveltywashoveryou!

3. Startyourdaywithgratitude:useittoturnoffthestressinwakinguptoyourusualtodoanddreadlists.

4. Endyourdaywithgratitude:remindyourselfofsomethingwonderful!

5. Noticenature:astheBuddhistadagegoes:spend10minuteseachdayquietlyinnature.Ifyouareverybusyandoverloaded,spend20minutes.

6. Smilemore,frownless:Yourbraindoesn'tknowyouarefakingit,andasmilereleasesbeneficialendorphins!

7. Eatorexercisemindfully:payattentiontotime,place,pace,posture,andothersensoryexperiences.Andmindfuleatingisagoodwaytocontrolweight!

8. Trysmallrandomactsofkindness:kindattentionisexternallyfocusedattention,andkindnesstowardothersboostsyourmood.

9. Findsomethinginanothertobeimpressedby:theHindiwordnamastemeansthedivineinmesalutesthedivineinyou.Seethedivineinthosearoundyou.Namaste!

RevisetheScript

GeneratingOptionsWemustreinventafuturefreeofblinderssothatwecanchoosefromreal

options.51

—DavidSuzuki

ChrisArgyrisusestheterm“skilledincompetence”todescribewell-learnedbehaviorsthatyouperformautomaticallyandwithoutthinkingeventhoughtheydon'tproducetheresultsyouwant.Personalchangerequiresinterruptingautomaticpatternsthataren'tworking.Agoodwaytobeginistoasktwoquestions:

1. WhatotheroptionsshouldIconsider?

2. IfIwereatmybest,whatwouldIdo?

Brainstormuntilyouhavemultipleoptions.Enlistafriendorcoachtohelpyouincreasethepossibilities.Onceyouhaveapromisingchoice,writeoutascriptjustasifyouwerewritingaplay.Whatwouldyousay?Whatwouldtheotherpersonsay?Howwouldyourespond?Playitoutbackandforth.Keeppolishinguntilyouhaveascriptthatleadstoagoodending.

Then,scriptinhand,practice.Professionalmusicianspracticeforhourssothatmusclememorycarriesthemthroughmomentsofstagefrightorforgetfulnessandbuildstheirconfidence.Asyourehearsedifferentresponses,youincreaseyourrepertoireofoptionsandmakesuccessmorelikely.There'snoguaranteethatanewscriptwillworkaswellintheheatofactionasinyourimagination,butpracticeandpreparationimproveyourodds.

Suppose,forexample,youhaveacolleaguewhoregularlyfindsfaultwithyouforthingsyoudidordidn'tdo.Thecriticismannoysyoueverytime,andyouusuallyrespondwithsomethingthatmakesthingsworse.Here'sanexample:

Other:[Soundingfrustratedandannoyed.]Howcomeyouneveransweredmye-mail?Isentitmorethananhourago.Youknowhowimportantthisprojectis,andyou'reholdingeverythingup.Howcanyoubesoirresponsible?

You:[AnnoyedbyOther'stoneandfuriousatbeingcalled“irresponsible.”]YouthinkIdon'tknowhowimportantthisprojectis?YouthinkIdon'thave

YouthinkIdon'tknowhowimportantthisprojectis?YouthinkIdon'thaveanythingtodobutrespondtoyoure-mails?Cleanupyourownactandgetoffmycase!

Annoyanceisalegitimatefeeling,butanangryattackalmostguaranteestheconversationwillgodownhill.Whatotherscriptcouldyouwriteforyourself?Oneoptionwouldbetoignorethepersonalcriticismandfocusonthetask.Forexample,youmightaskasimplequestionlike,“Whatdoweneedtodonow?”YoucouldreflectOther'scommentback:“Youthinknotgettingbackinanhourwasirresponsible?”Youcouldgentlyconfront,“Irresponsiblefeelsunfairwhenwe'rebothworkingashardaswecan.”Orconfrontlessgently:“Doyouthinkblamingmewillmovetheprojectalongfaster?”Youcanprobablythinkofotherpossibilities.

Thereisneverasinglerightanswer,andtherearealwaysoptions.Lookforsomethingthatletsyouscriptyourselfasacalmandconfidentprofessional,sothatyoucancontrolyourfeelingsratherthanletthemcontrolyou.Youalsowantsomethingthatbreaksthepatternbyrespondinginawaythatyourdifficultpersonisn'texpecting.VickyoffersmultipleexamplesinherexchangeswithMichaelandherteammembers—takeanotherlookatthestorytoreviewthemandwhattheyaccomplished.Surprisecaninterruptanother'sunproductivescriptandopenanopportunityforamoreproductiveconversation.

Theprocessofgeneratingandrehearsingoptionsismostlikelytoworkwhenyoudoitoffline,awayfromthetroublesomepersonorsituation,andwhenyouhavetimetoengageincreativethinking.Onceyou'vegeneratedoptions,youcanfocusonthosethatseemmostpromising,developscriptsforyourself,andpracticehowyoucouldemploythem.

TryThis

Prepareforyournextmeetingwithyourdifficultpersonusingtheprecedingrecommendationstogenerateoptionsandwriteanewscriptforyournextinteraction.Preparationbringscomfort—andreducesthestressdifficultpeoplegenerateforyou.Italsoencouragesyourflexibilityandbroadensyourrepertoireofinterpersonalstrategies.

CreatingScenariosIfyouwantsomethingnew,youhavetostopdoingsomethingold.

—PeterF.Drucker

Indealingwithdifficultpeople,itisoftenhardtopredicthowtheotherpersonwillrespond.Butbecauseit'sharddoesn'tmeanthatweshouldn'ttry.Apowerfulwaytoclarifythinkingandtotestassumptionsistodevelopscenariosorstoriesabouthowspecificchoicesmightplayoutovertime.Scenariobuildinghasbeenusedinindustryforalongtime—awayto“rehearsethefuture”andanticipatetheimpactofahostofunpredictableforcesandchoices.

There'splentyofadviceoutthereonhowtobuildscenariosifyouwantamorestructuredmethod:strategicplannersapproachitasthoughitwereascience.52

Orthiscanbeamoreinformalandplayfulprocessoflookingahead.53Ourgoalhereistoencourageyoutogetusedtocraftingalternativestoriesforyourselfaboutpossiblefuturesbasedondifferentchoicesanddifferentsetsofassumptions.Yourcreativescenariosmayidentifyinterestingplottwists,powerfulconstituentstoinformorinvolve,unpredictableenvironmentalfactors,winners,andlosers—thingsyou'dwanttoknowinadvanceoffacingthematwork!

Anoilcompany,forexample,wouldmakedifferentdecisionsifitknewthatthepriceofoilwasgoingupratherthandown.Butoilcompanieshavelearnedthatthepriceofoilisfiendishlydifficulttopredict.Onewaytodealwiththatuncertaintyistodevelopalternativescenarios.Supposethatthepriceisgoingupoverthenextfiveyears.Whatkindofworldwouldyoubein?Whatchoiceswouldyoumake?Howwouldeachaffectthekindoffutureyouwanttocreate?Nowmaketheoppositeassumption.Ifthepriceissuretogodown,whatwilltheworldlooklike?Whatwouldyoudointhatworld?

Youcanusethesameprocessinthinkingaboutyourdifficultrelationship.Suppose,forexample,thatyou'rewonderinghowyoucouldtalktoapersonwithwhomyouarehavinggreatdifficultyorwhoisasunpredictableasMichaelisforVicky.Asyouthinkabouthowitmightgo,imaginethreedistinctwaystheothermightrespond:(1)receptively,(2)angrily,and(3)bywithdrawingandgoingbehindyourbacktogetevenwithyou—oranyothersetofalternativesthatseemhelpfultotry.Developascenarioaroundeachofthosethreepossibilities,askingyourselfhowyouwouldapproachtheotherpersonineachcase.Whatwouldyoudowithsomeonewho'sreceptive?Someonewho'sangry?Someonewhomightgobehindyourback?Thenaskifyoucandeveloparobustapproachforyourselfthathasagoodchanceofworkingacrossthedifferentpossiblefutures.

TryThis

Lookforawin-winbythinkingthroughandcreatingmultiplescenariosinadvanceofyournextmeetingwithyourdifficultother.Equallyimportant,reflectonyourcomfortordiscomfortinusinganyoneofthemforinsightsintoyourtriggersortoanticipateanyunhelpfulresponses.Thinkaboutaskingsomeonetorole-playthesewithyou,andfine-tunewhatyoulearntoincreasetheoddsofrelationshipprogressandlearningfromtherealexchange.

Humor

Wearlifeloosely.54

—BernieS.Siegel

Thereisampleevidenceofthehealthandprofessionalbenefitsoflaughterandhumor.Neurosciencehasshownthathumorembodiesmanyofthecreativerightbrain'smostpowerfulattributes—understandingsituationsincontext,gettingthebigpicture,andcombiningdifferentelementsinnewalignments.Theeffectiveuseofhumorcanbeanaccuratemarkerofmanagerialeffectiveness,emotionalintelligence,andinnovation.55Humorplaysanumberofimportantrolesatwork:itexpressesskepticism,reduceshostility,relievestension,helpscommunicatedifficultmessages,andlessensstatusdifferences.56Aboveall,itisawaytoilluminateandbreakframe,indicatingthatanysingledefinitionofasituationisarbitraryandopenfordeeperinvestigation.57StanfordprofessoremeritusJimMarchsuggestsguidelinesforencouragingproductiveplayfulnessinorganizations:treatgoalsashypotheses,intuitionasreal,hypocrisyastransition,memoryasanenemy,andexperienceasatheory.58

Humorencouragesyoutowearlifeloosely,andthatisespeciallyimportantinsituationsinvolvingdifficultpeople.VickyandPeterregularlypunctuatedtheirconversationswithhumor—puttingVicky'sconcernsinperspective,bringingamorerelaxedtonetotheirjointproblemsolving,andstrengtheningtheirenjoymentofthementorrelationshipandeachother.Laughtercushionsthemoststressfulbumpsinlifeandenhancesyourconnectionstoothersandyourphysicalwell-being:itreleasesthepain-reducing,relaxation-promoting

chemicalscalledendorphinsandthebondinghormonecalledoxytocin.59

TryThis

Findwaystolaughmore,andsetgoalstolaughmoreeveryday.It'sthatsimple!DanielPink60suggestsaportfolioofactivities,includingvideosandmeetingsatoneofthegrowingnumberofinternationalLaughterClubs,basedonDr.MadanKataria'slaughteryoga.61Youwillknowwhatticklesyourfancy:humorbooks,movies,improvisationgames,comedytapes,timewithwittyfriends.Laughingmorewillalsoremindyoutotakeyourselflessseriously,andyou'llbebetterpreparedtofaceyourdifficultchallenges.

Engage—EvolveorExit

SkilledCandorNeverignoretheelephantintheroom.That'srude.Playwithitandintroduceit.

—DonnaLynnHope

Skilledcandoristheabilitytosaywhatyouknow,think,feel,orwantinawaythatotherscangetyourmessage.It'savitalskillforcommunication,leadership,andpersuasion.Skilledcandorisnotventing,bluster,argumentativeness,orattack,whichprimeotherstoresistratherthanunderstandyou.Itbeginswithawillingnesstotellthetruthandshareyourrealitywithothers.Thissometimestakescouragebecauseyouexpectanegativereactiontowhatyouhavetosay.Anexampleisnamingthe“elephantintheroom”—theuncomfortabletopicthateveryoneisawareofbutafraidtotalkabout.Someofthemostpowerfulexamplesofadvocacyinvolvethewillingnesstoexpressuncomfortabletruths.Atothertimes,candorinvolvesexpressinguncertaintyorlackofclarityasawayofengagingothersinexploration.

Skilledcandorrequirestheabilitytocommunicatemessagessothatotherpeoplecanhearandunderstandthem.Thisisespeciallyimportantinsituationsinwhichdifficultothersmayfeelthreatenedorembarrassed.62Onesuchcommunicationskillistheabilitytopositionfactsandfeelingsinalargerstory—abiggerpicturethatframesyourthoughtsinawaythatgivesthemmeaningandcoherence.Anotherspecificformofskilledcandoriseffectivefeedback,whichwediscussinthenextsection.Person-centerednegotiatingtechniques63suggesthelpfulstrategiessuchasseparatingthepersonfromtheproblem,focusingonmutualinterestsandgains,andusingobjectivedata.Warmth,grace,andacalmvoiceareassets.Vickyoffersmultipleexamplesofcalmyetassertiveleadership.Practiceyours!

Ithelpstoclearlyunderstandyourmotivationandthinkingaboutdifficultothers—especiallyanyprivateexplanationsoftheiractionsorattributionsofmotivationthatyoumayhold.AsVickyshows,knowthyselfandsuspendjudgmentstoincreaseyourimpact.

TryThis

ChrisArgyrisintroducedatechniquecalledthedouble-sidedcase.Youmaywanttouseittolearnfromanexchangethatdidnotgowell—oranticipateonethatraisesyourconcern.Writeoutthecaseintheformatdescribedfurtheron.Oncedone,spendtimethinkingaboutitusingthequestionsprovided.Afterhavingdonethat,findsomeonetodiscussthecasewithyou.Givethemacopy.Weareallblindtobehaviorsthatothersmayseeclearly.Getanoutsideperspectiveonyouractions!

1. Chooseanexchangewithanotherthatyoufoundchallengingoranticipatewillbe.

2. Inaparagraphortwo,writeoutyourgoalforthemeeting(thatis,whatyouwantedorhopedtoaccomplish).

3. Then,takeasheetofpaperandwriteoutabriefportionoftheactualdialogueasyouremember(oranticipate)it,usingthefollowingformat.

Yourunderlyingthoughtsandfeelings Whatwassaid:Me:Other:Me:Other:andsoforth

1. Intheright-handcolumn,writeoutwhatyourecallwasactuallysaidoranticipatemightbesaid(thatis,whatdid/willyousay?andwhatdid/willOtherrespond?).

2. Intheleft-handcolumn,putdownanythoughtsorfeelingsthatyouhadormighthaveinthecourseoftheconversationthatwerenotexpressed.

3. Afteryouhavewrittenallofthisout,studyyourcaseandseewhatyounotice.Questionstoreflectonmightinclude:

a. Whatdidyousay?

b. Howdidtheotherrespond?

c. Whydoyouthinkheorshedid?

d. Whatwereyouthinkingorfeelingthatyoudidnotsay?

e. Whydidyouchoosenotdiscussthese?Whatdidyouanticipatewouldhappenifyoudid?

f. Howwelldidyouaccomplishyourgoalsfortheexchange?

g. Whatcouldyouhavedonedifferentlyforadifferent(orbetter)outcome?

GivingandReceivingGoodFeedbackFeedbackisthebreakfast—andthelunch,dinner,andmidnightsnack—of

champions.64

—KenBlanchard

Feedbackisinformationthathelpsyouunderstandtheimpactofyouractions.Itisessentialwhenyou'retryingtogaugehowothersperceiveandrespondtowhatyoudo.Thechallengeinbothgettingandgivingfeedbackistoconveyinformationthatthereceivercanhearanduse.Usablefeedbackisdescriptiveandspecificratherthanevaluativeandvague.“Youdidalousyjob,”forexample,isunhelpfulbecauseitevaluatesratherthandescribes,anddoesn'tspecifywhattheotherpersondidthatwas“lousy.”If,forexample,anotherpersongaveapresentationthatwasconfusingandlackedamessagethatwascleartoyou,youcouldsay,“Ihadtroublefollowingyourlineofthinking.Itwouldhavehelpedmeifyoumadeaclearerstatementattheendtosummarizeyourmainpoints.”Thismakesitclearthatyouaredescribingyourreaction—itwasn'tcleartoyou,thoughitmighthavebeencleartosomeoneelse.Italsodescribesawaythataparticularpartofthepresentationmighthavebeenmodified.Descriptiveandspecificfeedbackiseasierfortherecipienttobothhearandtotest.Askingsomeoneelse,“Didyoufeelmypresentationwaslousy?”probablywillnotelicitahelpfulresponse.Butasking,“Didyoufeelthepresentationneededabettersummaryattheend?”wouldhelptestwhetherothersfeltthatthatwasanissue.

Goodfeedbackisalsotimely:weareallmoremotivatedtolistenandlearnifwearereceivingothers'reactionsclosetotheevent.Italsohelpsiffeedbackisofferedtosupportlearningratherthantopunishorzapanother.Feedbackisagiftofferedsothatothersmaychoosetolearnabouttheirimpact.

TryThis

Lookatsomeofthemanyonlineresourcesavailableaboutgivinggoodfeedback.KenBlanchardhasaparticularlygoodoneonhisprofessionalwebsite.65Useyournewinsightstopracticeimprovingyourskills.Writeoutascript.Discussitwithothers.

Notes

1.e.e.cummings,IntroductiontoNewPoems.AccessedDecember12,2015athttp://poems.writers-network.com/pdf/article-662.pdf.

2.WarrenBerger,AMoreBeautifulQuestion:ThePowerofInquirytoSparkBreakthroughIdeas(NewYork:Bloomsbury,2014).

3.EdgarSchein,HumbleInquiry:TheGentleArtofAskingInsteadofTelling(SanFrancisco:Berrett-Koehler,2013).

4.ClaytonM.Christensen,TheInnovator'sDilemma:TheRevolutionaryBookThatWillChangetheWayYouDoBusiness(NewYork:HarperBusiness,2011).

5.SusanCain,Quiet:ThePowerofIntrovertsinaWorldThatCan'tStopTalking(NewYork:BroadwayBooks,2013).

6.AlanAlda,ThingsIOverheardWhileTalkingtoMyself(NewYork:RandomHouse,2008).

7.LeeG.BolmanandTerrenceE.Deal,HowGreatLeadersThink:TheArtofReframing(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2014).

8.ChrisArgyris,OvercomingOrganizationalDefenses:FacilitatingOrganizationalLearning(UpperSaddleRiver,NJ:Prentice-Hall/PearsonEducation,1990).TherearemanyvisualsofArgyris'sLadderofInferenceontheInternet.OneaccessedDecember12,2015ishttps://www.google.com/search?q=ladder+of+inference&biw=1920&bih=946&tbm=isch&imgil=qrKYxAViTNl6zM%253A%253BRJ6YOEwQbvL_RM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwhatsthepont.com%25252F2015%25252F07%25252F11%25252Fthe-ladder-of-inference-climbing-down-from-expert-bias%25252F&source=iu&pf=m&fir=qrKYxAViTNl6zM%253A%252CRJ6YOEwQbvL_RM%252C_&dpr=1&usg=__gljBP3KguoZsEOT8RnljOIDmpt8%3D&ved=0ahUKEwikq_Wln9fJAhWMez4KHWXTBfkQyjcILg&ei=uI5sVqTvGIz3-QHlppfIDw#imgrc=qrKYxAViTNl6zM%3A&usg=__gljBP3KguoZsEOT8RnljOIDmpt8%3D

9.PeterSenge,TheFifthDiscipline:TheArtandPracticeoftheLearning(NewYork:Doubleday,2006).

10.http://amorebeautifulquestion.com/einstein-questioning/#jp-carousel-4256.

11.StevenB.Sample,“ThinkingGrayandFree,”inJoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2008).

12.StevenB.Sample,TheContrarian'sGuidetoLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2002).

13.Ibid.,13–14.

14.WarrenBerger,AMoreBeautifulQuestion:ThePowerofInquirytoSparkBreakthroughIdeas(NewYork:Bloomsbury,2014).

15.StevenB.Sample,“ThinkingGrayandFree,”inJoanV.Gallos,ed.,BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2008).

16.Sample,Contrarian'sGuide,12.

17.Ibid.,13.

18.AmitSood,TheMayoClinicGuidetoStress-freeLiving(Boston:DaCapoPress,2013),Chapters12,13,14.

19.HisHolinesstheDalaiLama,EthicsfortheNewMillennium(NewYork:RiverheadBooks/PenguinPutnam,1999).

20.Sood,MayoClinicGuide,Chapter13.

21.WilliamUry,ThePowerofaPositiveNo:HowtoSayNOandStillGettoYES(NewYork:Bantam,2007).

22.KellyLeonardandTomYorton,Yes,And:LessonsfromtheSecondCity(NewYork:HarperCollins,2015).

23.Sood,MayoClinicGuide,133–145.

24.WilliamA.Kahn,HoldingFast:TheStruggletoCreateResilientCaregivingOrganizations(NewYork:Brunner-Routledge,2005).

25.DonaldSchön,EducatingtheReflectivePractitioner(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1987),31.

26.DonaldSchön,TheReflectivePractitioner(NewYork:Basic,1983),68.

27.MarkDoty,Heaven'sCoast:AMemoir(NewYork:HarperPerennial,1996).

28.LouiseDeSalvo,WritingasaWayofHealing:HowTellingOurStoriesTransformsOurLives(Boston:BeaconPress,1999).

29.Ibid.,8.

30.RayBradbury,ZenintheArtofWriting:EssaysonCreativity(NewYork:Bantam,1992).

31.VivianGornick,TheSituationandtheStory:TheArtofPersonalNarrative(NewYork:Farrar,StrausandGiroux,2001),9.

32.LemonySnicket,Horseradish(NewYork:HarperCollins,2004).

33.www.workplacebullying.org/individuals/problem/being-bullied.

34.EllenJ.Langer,ThePowerofMindfulLearning(Cambridge,MA:Perseus,1997).

35.Ibid.,23.

36.EllenJ.Langer,Mindfulness(Boston:DaCapoPress,1989).

37.Langer,PowerofMindfulLearning,37.

38.Sood,MayoClinicGuide.

39.www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/muhammadyu462190.html#MQQPLF3V552sIdZT.99

40.www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx.

41.LeeG.BolmanandJoanV.Gallos,ReframingAcademicLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2011),chapters8–13.

42.AmyMorin,13ThingsMentallyStrongPeopleDon'tDo:TakeBackYourPower,EmbraceChange,FaceYourFears,andTrainingYourBrainforHappinessandSuccess(NewYork:WilliamMorrow,2014).

43.www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#EVMg81bK02lX6dgw.99

44.MihalyCsikszentmyhalyi,FindingFlow:ThePsychologyofEngagementwithEverydayLife(NewYork:BasicBooks,1997).

45.JohnWhiting,YoYoMa:ABiography(Westport,CT:Greenwood,2008).

46.PhilJackson,SacredHoops:SpiritualLessonsofaHardwoodWarrior(NewYork:Hyperion,2006).

47.SeeSood,MayoClinicGuide,chapters2,5,6,7.

48.MatthewKillingsworthandDanielGilbert,“AWanderingMindIsanUnhappyMind,”Science(2010):330–932.

49.DonaldHebb,asquotedinSood,MayoClinicGuide,10.Hebbisthefatherofneuroscience,andAmericanPsychologistnamedhimoneofthetwentiethcentury'smosteminentandinfluentialtheoristsintherealmofbrainfunctionandbehavior.

50.Sood,MayoClinicGuide,66.

51.www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davidsuzuk193053.html#sJ0wUIyu7rw8cecT.99

52.Asexamples,seeA.P.deGeus,“PlanningasLearning,”HarvardBusinessReview(March–April1991)andP.Schwartz,TheArtoftheLongView(NewYork:Doubleday,1991).

53.L.HeracleousandC.D.Jacobs,“DevelopingStrategy:TheSeriousBusinessofPlay,”inJoanV.Gallos(ed.),BusinessLeadership(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2008).

54.BernieS.Siegel,PrescriptionforLiving(NewYork:HarperCollins,1998).

55.DanielH.Pink,AWholeNewMind:WhyRight-BrainersWillRuletheFuture(NewYork:RiverheadBooks,2006).

56.FabioSala,“LaughingAlltheWaytotheBank,”HarvardBusinessReview(September2003).

57.LeeG.BolmanandTerrenceE.Deal,ReframingOrganizations:Artistry,Choice,andLeadership,4thed.(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2008).

58.JamesG.March,“TheTechnologyofFoolishness,”inJ.G.MarchandJ.Olsen(eds.),AmbiguityandChoiceinOrganizations(Bergen,Norway:Universitetsforlaget,1976).

59.Sood,MayoClinicGuide,243.

60.Pink,AWholeNewMind,209–215.

61.www.laughteryoga.org/english/laughteryoga.

62.WilliamR.Noonan,DiscussingtheUndiscussable:AGuidetoOvercoming

DefensiveRoutinesintheWorkplace(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sons,2007).

63.RogerFisherandWilliamUry,GettingtoYes:NegotiatingAgreementwithoutGivingIn(NewYork:Penguin,1991).

64.DreaZigarmi,SusanFowler,PatriciaZigarmi,andKenBlanchard,“GivingFeedback:ParticipantWorkbook”2015.AccessedDecember12,2015athttps://www.kenblanchard.com/getattachment/Solutions/By-Offering/Skill-Training-Modules/Giving-Feedback/Giving-Feedback-PW-Look-Inside.pdf.

65.Ibid.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSWEHAVEBEENHELPEDBYFARMOREPEOPLEthanwewilleversucceedinacknowledging.Weareblessedwithalargecircleofremarkablefriendsandcolleagues,andtheyhavetaughtusmuch.WebeginwithTerryDeal,avaluedteacher,wonderfulcollaborator,andbelovedfriendtousboth.EquallysignificantisthelateChrisArgyris,anextraordinaryteacherandfriendwhowasinstrumentalinbothourdecisionstomakeacareerofstudyingorganizationsandleadership.Ourfirst-bornisnamedChris,sonomoreneedbesaidabouttheplacethatChrisholdsinourhearts.EdScheinisalsoatthetopofourlistforhisfriendship,keenabilitytocutthroughcomplexity,andimpactonusandsomanyothers.Otherhighlyvaluedindividualshaveenrichedourlivesandcareersinimportantways;andwesendspecialnodsofaffectionandappreciationtoDaveBrown,MarcyCrary,TimHall,MaryJoHatch,ToddJick,BillKahn,LeslieKagan,DianeKellogg,ClancyMartin,BobMarx,PhilMirvis,AnnOlivarius,BarryandKarenOshry,AmySales,LorieSpencer,andourculturedandartsyMahkeenacHeightsneighbors(especiallyJoelLaski,LloydJohnson,John“Ace”McCarthy,andLindaandDavidBurghardt).

WehavelearnedfromandtestedmanyofourideaswithourcolleaguesandstudentsovertheyearsattheUniversityofMissouri-KansasCity,Harvard,Babson,Princeton,CarnegieMellon,UMass-Boston,Yale,andWheelock,aswellaswithparticipantsinmanyworkshops,corporateprograms,andinstitutesacrosstheworld.WeareparticularlygratefultothemanyparticipantswehavetaughtinsummerleadershipprogramsundertheauspicesoftheHarvardInstitutesforHigherEducation.Thesetalentedleaderstrusteduswiththeirprofessionalstoriesandchallenges,someofwhicharereflectedinthisbook.

Workingeffectivelywithdifficultpeopleisaloteasiertostudythantodo,andwearegratefultoanumberofspecialindividualswhogaveusanopportunitytopracticeanddevelopourabilitiestounderstandandcopewithpeoplewhomwefoundreally,really,difficult.Fortheirprotection(andontheadviceofcounsel),wewon'tnamethemallhere,butacknowledgethebenefitsofbeingsoup-closeandpersonalinstudyingtheseperennialandpowerfuldynamics.Weapproachthepublicationofthisbookthesamewaywebegantheproject:firedwithenthusiasminthesearchfornewwaystobringhealthandsanitytotroubledorganizationsandrelationships.

WehavebeenhangingaroundJossey-Bass/JohnWiley&Sonsforsolongthatitfeelslikefamily—but,likemanyfamiliesandtherestofthepublishingindustry,

feelslikefamily—but,likemanyfamiliesandtherestofthepublishingindustry,afamilythathasbeenseeingalotofchange.Ouroriginaleditorforthisproject,KatheSweeney,hasmovedontotheexcitingworldofonlinelearning.WearegratefulforKathe'searlysupportofthisandonourotherpublishedworks;andwearepleasedtocallherourdearfriend.Happily,wearealsoblessedwithaterrificsuccessorinJeanenneRay,whohasshepherdedthisbooktopublication.We'regratefultomanyothersatJossey-Bass/Wileyfortheirhighlevelofsupportandprofessionalism,includingHeatherBrosiusandLaurenFreestone.

Finally,wethankourfamily.Ourtwosons,BradandChris,aretalentedyoungmenwhoenrichourlives.Welovethem,andwe'redeeplyproudofthemboth.ChrishastransitionedfromWallStreettosolarenergytoleadershipinonlinemarketing,andalongthewayhasbecomeaserialentrepreneurandaprolificauthorinhisownright.Braddeservesaspecialnodasthelastintheroostandthechildmostlikelytopursuehisownacademiccareer.Justoutofcollege,Bradhasalreadyaccumulatedpublicationsandinternationalconferenceappearances,andisheadingoninsearchofaPhD.Lee'sotherchildrencontributetheirownbrandsofartistryandgracetothefamily.Theater,music,teaching,artsmanagement,andourMassachusettsgrandchild,Foster,fillthelivesofShelleyandChristineWoodberry.ScottBolmanisthejet-setting,internationallightingdesignerextraordinaireandakeeperofthefamilybackpackingtradition.LoriandBarryHolwegneranchortheWesterncontingentandtakegoodcareofgranddaughterJazmyne.EdwardBolmanandsonJames,whoisnowthrivingamongtheBananaSlugsattheUniversityofCalifornia/SantaCruz,roundoutthepack.

Ourparents,ElizabethandJohnGallosandFlorenceandEldredBolmanarenolongerwithus,butweknowtheywouldhavebeentickledtoseethisjointventureandthemselvessalutedinit.Wehonortheirencouragementandsupport—andloveoflearningthatwehopewehavepassedalongtoourchildren—byaddingourappreciationandaffectionhere.

Finally,wecontinueourtraditionofgivinganodtosomewaywardcaninewhohasservedasaloyaldistractionfromwriter'sblock.Thisbook'sawardgoestothegorgeousyetimpish,perenniallyhungry,alwaysdifficult,mega-cockapoo,DouglasMcGregor.Familylifeinallitsrichnessisgrand!

Ourfirstattempttowritetogetherdecadesagoresultedinanunpublishedmanuscriptthatstillliesburiedinafiledrawersomewhere.Wewaitedawhilebeforeagaintestingwhetherbook-writingandaviablemarriageareremotelycompatible.Butournexteffortproducedawell-receivedbookonacademicleadership,publishedin2011,thatwe'reveryproudof.Itgaveusthe

leadership,publishedin2011,thatwe'reveryproudof.Itgaveustheencouragementtotryagain.Wetakeprideinallthatwe'vebeenabletodotogether,andwereaffirmourloveandcommitmenttoeachother,oursharedinterests,andourbeliefinthepossibilitiesforamorejustandequitableworld.Onward!

ABOUTTHEAUTHORSLEEG.BOLMANholdstheMarionBloch/MissouriChairinLeadershipattheHenryW.BlochSchoolofManagementattheUniversityofMissouri–KansasCity,wherehehasalsoservedasdepartmentchairandinterimdean.HeholdsaBAinHistoryandaPhDinOrganizationalBehaviorfromYaleUniversity.

Bolmanconsultsandlecturesworldwidetocorporations,publicagencies,universities,andschools.Priortoassuminghiscurrentposition,hetaughtatCarnegieMellonandthenformorethan20yearsattheHarvardGraduateSchoolofEducation,whereheservedasdirectorandprincipalinvestigatorfortheNationalCenterforEducationalLeadershipandfortheHarvardSchoolLeadershipAcademy.HealsoservedaseducationalchairfortwoHarvardexecutiveprograms—theInstituteforEducationalManagement(IEM)andtheManagementDevelopmentProgram(MDP)—andwasthefounderofMDP.

BolmanhaswrittennumerousbooksonleadershipandorganizationswithcoauthorTerrenceE.Deal,includingHowGreatLeadersThink:TheArtofReframing(2014);ReframingOrganizations:Artistry,Choice,andLeadership(5thedition,2013);LeadingwithSoul:anUncommonJourneyofSpirit(3ndedition,2011);ReframingthePathtoSchoolLeadership:AGuideforPrincipalsandTeachers(2ndedition,2010);TheWizardandtheWarrior:LeadingwithPassionandPower(2006);EscapefromCluelessness:aGuidefortheOrganizationally-Challenged(2000);BecomingaTeacherLeader(1993);andModernApproachestoUnderstandingandManagingOrganizations(1984).HeisalsocoauthorwithJoanV.GallosofReframingAcademicLeadership(2011).Bolman'sbookshavebeentranslatedintomorethan10languages;andhisotherpublicationsincludenumerouscases,chapters,andarticlesinscholarlyandprofessionaljournals.

In2003,BolmanreceivedtheDavidL.BradfordOutstandingEducatorAwardfromtheOrganizationalBehaviorTeachingSocietyforhislifetimecontributionstoteachingandlearningintheorganizationalsciences.

JOANV.GALLOSiscurrentlyProfessorofLeadershipatWheelockCollege,whereshealsoservedasVicePresidentforAcademicAffairs.Sheholdsabachelor'sdegreecumlaudeinEnglishfromPrinceton,andmaster'sanddoctoraldegreesinOrganizationalBehaviorandProfessionalEducationfromtheHarvardGraduateSchoolofEducation.

PriortoWheelock,GalloswasUniversityofMissouriCurators'Distinguished

PriortoWheelock,GalloswasUniversityofMissouriCurators'DistinguishedTeachingProfessorandDirectoroftheExecutiveMBAprogramattheHenryW.BlochSchoolofManagementattheUniversityofMissouri–KansasCity,whereshehadalsoservedastenuredProfessorandDeanofEducation,CoordinatorofUniversityAccreditation,SpecialAssistanttotheChancellorforStrategicPlanning,andDirectoroftheHigherEducationGraduatePrograms.InadditiontoheracademicappointmentsatWheelockandUMKC,GalloshastaughtattheRadcliffeSeminars,HarvardGraduateSchoolofEducation,UniversityofMassachusetts–Boston,andBabsonCollege,aswellasinexecutiveprogramsatavarietyofinstitutions.

Galloshaspublishedwidelyonprofessionaleffectiveness,organizationalchange,andleadership.SheiscoauthorwithLeeG.BolmanofReframingAcademicLeadership(2011);editorofOrganizationDevelopment(2006)andofBusinessLeadership(2ndedition,2008);coauthorwithV.JeanRamseyofTeachingDiversity:ListeningtotheSoul,SpeakingfromtheHeart(1997);creatorofavarietyofpublishedmanagementeducationteachingandtrainingmaterials,includingtheinstructionalguidesfortheJossey-BassReaderseriesinmanagement;andauthorofnumerousarticlesandchaptersinscholarlyandprofessionaljournals.Shehasalsocoauthoredaplayonteenhealth;draftedafantasybookforyoungreadersandachildren'sbookonfriendship;andishardatworkonherfirstadultnovel(andTVmini-seriesbasedonit).

Shehasservedastheeditor-in-chiefoftheJournalofManagementEducation;asaSalzburgSeminarFellow;aspresidentoftheOrganizationalBehaviorTeachingSociety;andonanumberofnationalandregionaladvisorycouncilsandnonprofitboards,includingasafoundingboardmemberforActorsTheaterofKansasCityandfortheKansasCityLibraryFoundationandasacurrentmemberoftheNewRepTheaterboardattheArsenalCenterforthePerformingArtsinWatertown,MA.

Galloshasreceivednumerousawardsforwriting,teaching,andservice,includingboththeSageoftheSocietyandtheDistinguishedServiceawardsfromtheOrganizationalBehaviorTeachingSociety;theFritzRoethlisbergerMemorialAwardforthebestarticleonmanagementeducation(andwasfinalistforthesameprizeinsubsequentyears);andtheRadcliffeCollege/HarvardUniversityExcellenceinTeachingaward.SheproudlyservedasthedesignerandFoundingDirectoroftheTrumanCenterfortheHealingArts,basedinKansasCity'spublicteachinghospital,whichreceivedthe2004KansasCityBusinessCommitteefortheArtsPartnershipAwardasthebestpartnership

betweenalargeorganizationandthearts.

JoanGallosandLeeBolmanhaveworkedtogetherforalmost40yearsonavarietyofteaching,training,andconsultingprojectsforuniversities,corporations,nonprofits,andgovernmentagencies.Thisistheirsecondbooktogether.

INDEX

Aaccountability

activelistening

allies

AmericanPsychologicalAssociation

Argyris,Chris

assertiveleadership

assessment.SeeStop,Look,andLearn(Rule1)

attentiontraining

BBennis,Warren

Berger,Warren

Blanchard,Ken

book,organizationof

bosses

leadershiptaleexample

managing

SeealsoEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

boundaries,body,balance,beauty,bounce(5Bs)

Bradbury,Ray

brainstorming

breathingmeditation

Buddha

bullies

copingwith

leadershiptaleexample

SeealsoEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

Ccandor,skilled

change.Seefixorfold

Christensen,Clayton

clarity

ofgoals

leadershiptaleexamples

leadingwithpurposeand

coaching,situationalassessmentfor.Seealsomentors

collaborativeengagement

ColorPurple,The(Walker)

communication

assessingstyleof

overcomingfearof

compassion,informed

complexcharacters,understanding.Seelearning

consulting.Seealsomentors

courageousengagement

“creatingscenarios,”

creativity,humorand

culturaldifferences

DDalaiLama

decisionmaking

facingfearfor

stimulatingthinkingfor

terminationand

difficultpeople.SeeEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

double-sidedcasetechnique

Eemotionalintelligence

engagement

bookorganizationand

collaborative

courageous

importanceof

overview

political

SURErulesof

SeealsoEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4);RevisetheScript(Rule3);Stop,Look,andLearn(Rule1);Unhook(Rule2)

EngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

accountabilityand

assessingobjectivesand

bullies

copingwithbullies

defined

fordifficultdecisionmaking

feedback

finesseversusforcefor

movingtowarddifficultpeople

overview

problempeopleplans

skilledcandor

teamworkand

treatmentofdifficultpeople

Ffeedback

consultingfor

givingandreceiving

forlearning

forperspective(SeealsoUnhook(Rule2))

fightorflightreaction

finesse,forceversus,

5Bs(boundaries,body,balance,beauty,bounce)

fixorfold

decisionmakingabout

leadershiptaleexamples

overview

teamworkforresults

flow(attentiontraining)

G“generatingoptions,”

goalsetting

clarityofgoals

5Bs(boundaries,body,balance,beauty,bounce)

understandingsituationand

H“humbleinquiry,”

humor

I“informedcompassion,”

inquiry

clarityand

defined

forfinesseversusforce

JJackson,Phil

journaling

leadershiptaleexamples

forreflection

“joyfulattentiontraining,”

KKataria,Madan

Llabels,avoiding

LadderofInference(Argyris)

Langer,Ellen

laughter

leadership

adaptivechangeand

assertive

leadershiptale,overview

leadingupand(SeealsoEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4))

leadingwithpurpose

perspectivefor(SeealsoUnhook(Rule2))

proactive

sense-makingfor,120(SeealsoStop,Look,andLearn(Rule1))

speakingupand(SeealsoRevisetheScript(Rule3))

learning

identifyingproblems

leadershiptaleexamples

listeningand

planningand

tenacityand

MMachiavelli,Niccolo

March,Jim

mentors

alliesand

coachingandsituationalassessment

consultingwith

learningfrom

mindfulness

Morin,Amy

NNoAssholeRule,The(Sutton)

Oopportunity,choosing

optimism

options,generating.SeealsoRevisetheScript(Rule3)

Ppersonality,socialinteractionand

perspective.SeeUnhook(Rule2)

Pink,Daniel

Pinter,Harold

planning

clarityand

importanceofpreparation

learningand

SeealsoEngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

politicalengagement

power,inboss-subordinaterelationship

Prince,The(Machiavelli)

Rreflection

forclarity

journalingfor

SeealsoRevisetheScript(Rule3)

resilience

RevisetheScript(Rule3)

assertiveleadershipand

assessingproblemsituationsand

clarityand

copingwithbullies

creatingscenarios

defined

fordifficultdecisionmaking

generatingoptions

humorfor

practiceand

teamworkand

Rogers,Carl

SSample,Steven

scenarios,creating

Schein,Edgar

Schön,Donald

self-reflection

Senge,Peter

sense-making

situationalassessment

“skilledcandor,”

“skilledincompetence,”

socialinteraction,personalityand,

Sood,Amit

Stop,Look,andLearn(Rule1)

assessingproblems

clarityforsituationalassessment

copingwithbullies

defined

fordifficultdecisionmaking

informedcompassion

inquiryfor

learningwithtenacity

forsense-making

teamworkand

testing

thinkinggrayandfree

Sullivan,HarryStack

SURE

EngageYourDifficultPerson—EvolveorExit(Rule4)

overview

RevisetheScript(Rule3)

skills,practices,habitsfor

Stop,Look,andLearn(Rule1)

Unhook(Rule2)

Seealsoindividualnamesofrules

Sutton,Robert

Tteamwork

leadershiptaleexamples

forresults

Seealsolearning

tenacity

testing

thinkinggrayandfree

trust

UUnhook(Rule2)

assessmentand

consulting(Seealsomentors)

copingwithbullies

defined

fordifficultdecisionmaking

enhancingresilienceandbuildingmentalstrength

feedbackfor

joyfulattentiontraining

learningfrommentors

mindfulnessfor

reflectionandjournaling

teamworkand

Seealsolearning

Ury,William

Vvigilance,mindfulnessand

virtues,designating

WWalker,Alice

WILEYENDUSERLICENSEAGREEMENTGotowww.wiley.com/go/eulatoaccessWiley'sebookEULA.