Perfectionism

Dr. Dorothy A. Sisk

World Council for Gifted and Talented Children

Odense, DenmarkAugust 9, 2015

Perfectionism

• Perfectionism is a combination of the desire to be perfect, the fear of imperfection, and the sense that being perfect will bring acceptance as a person.

• Perfectionistic behaviors include such things as over commitment, super sensitivity to criticism, procrastination and compulsive attention to detail.

Perfectionistic Thoughts and Feelings• Unhealthy perfectionistic thoughts include, “I’m never good enough,” “I’m only acceptable if I’m perfect.” Healthy perfectionistic thoughts include, “ I can make this better.”

• Perfectionistic feelings include dissatisfaction with yourself, anger, anxiety, and frustration.

PERFECTIONISM DOES NOT EQUATE SUCCESS: TALENT, ENERGY AND COMMITMENT DETERMINE SUCCESS.

•Perfectionism and concern for mistakes can lead to anxiety that interferes with spontaneity, flow, and achievement; yet, Silverman said, “Perfectionism is not a malady, it is a tool for self-development.”

The origin of perfectionism has several basic aspects of human nature:

1. Your world of experience is continuously re-organized and meaningful in ways that are unique to you. Perfectionists set high standards for themselves, and feel pain if they do not meet those standards.

2. Emotions guide your behavior. Perfectionism is an attempt to reduce the anxiety concerning not meeting those standards and any lack of acceptance.

Sense of Well-Being

• Your sense of well-being depends on meaningful attachment to significant others, including parents and partners. Perfectionists often think perfection is the way to be accepted by others.

Perfectionism: Myths and Realities

• Myth #1: I would not be so successful if I were not a perfectionist.

• Reality: Although some perfectionists are remarkably successful, what they often fail to realize is their success was achieved despite, not because of their extra striving.

• Myth #2: Perfectionists get things done, and they do things right.

• Reality: Perfectionists often have problems with procrastination, missed deadlines, and low productivity.

• Myth #3: Perfectionists are determined to overcome obstacles to success.

• Reality: Perfectionistic behaviors increase self-criticism, writer’s block, blocked performance, social anxiety, and other barriers to success. These blocks to productivity and success are a result of the perfectionist’s focus on the final product. Instead of concentrating on the process of accomplishing a task, perfectionists focus on the outcome. A relentless pursuit of an ultimate goal can seriously hinder their efforts.

• Perfectionism is a self-esteem issue arising from feelings of inadequacy, guilt shame and unacceptability.

• Perfectionists are motivated by the conviction that only perfection will bring personal satisfaction. Perfectionism is a relational issue with the notion that personal acceptance depends on one’s performance.

Perfectionism is a crucible of giftedness.

•Gifted children may, like other children, be perfectionistic. The zeal, persistence, hard work, and devotion to mastery that many gifted children exhibit represent a pursuit of excellence that perfectionism can interfere with their learning.

Freeing your Family from Perfectionism

• It is important to challenge your children, and yourself, to re-evaluate beliefs and change behaviors if needed. It is important to make clear, though, that you love your child whatever they do or do not accomplish. They need to know that mistakes are a part of life and mistakes form a basis for learning.

DIALOGUE The road to change is based on the creation of dialogue. The more you can talk over concerns, and express feelings, the more likely you will be able to make sense together and find common solutions. • Empathy: Attempt to see the world through your child’s eyes in

order to understand what making a mistake means to them, and what they believe you expect from them.

• Self Reflection: Examine what you may have been contributing to the problem by your actions or attitudes.

• Encouragement: Point out what you appreciate about your child and why you love them for being who they are, not just for what they can achieve.

•Dialogue sends a message to your children that they are important to you, and you can work together to solve problems, and that you respect their ability to do that. With this acceptance, your children will gain the courage to use their perfectionism as positive energy.

The road to change is based on the creation of positive dialogue

• Empathy: The intention to see the world through your child’s eyes in order to understand what making a mistake means to them, and what the frustrations are about.

• Self Reflection: An honest consideration of what we ourselves may have been contributing, intentionally or not, to the problem by our actions or attitudes. As one example: Has praise and attention been offered only by outstanding performance, or is there recognition and affirmation for effort and persistence?

• Encouragement: The consistent effort to point out what you appreciate and like about your children as who they are, and not simply for what they can achieve.

Learn to Recognize Perfectionism• Do you have trouble meeting your own

standards?• Do you often feel frustrated,

depressed, anxious, or upset while trying to meet your standards?

• Have you been told that your standards are too high?

• Do your standards get in the way? For example, do they make it difficult for you to meet deadlines, finish a task, trust others, or do anything spontaneously?

Examples of Perfectionistic Feelings• Black-and-white thinking- “Anything less

than perfection is unworthy,” “If I need help from others, then I am weak.”

• Catastrophic thinking- “If I make a mistake in front of my coworkers, I won’t be able to survive the humiliation,” “I can’t handle having someone being upset with me.”

• Probability overestimation- “Although I spent all night preparing for a presentation, I know I won’t do well.”

• Should statements- “I should never make mistakes,” “I should never come across as nervous or anxious,” “I should always be able to predict problems before they occur.”

Examples of Perfectionistic Behavior

• Chronic procrastination and difficulty completing tasks, or giving up easily.

• Overly cautious and thorough in tasks.

• Excessive checking.• Constantly trying to improve things by

re-doing them.• Agonizing over small details.• Making elaborate “to do” lists.• Avoiding trying new things and risking

making mistakes.

Changing Perfectionistic Thinking

• Students with perfectionism are often very critical of themselves, and one effective way to overcome perfectionism is to replace critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful goals and objectives.

• Practice these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, repetition will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit, and push out more negative self-talk.

Some Examples of Positive Realistic Statements

• “Nobody is perfect” • “All I can do is my best!”• “Making a mistake does not mean I’m

stupid or a failure. It means that I am like everyone else- human. Everyone makes mistakes!”

• “It’s okay not to be pleasant all the time. Everyone has a bad day now and then.”

• “It’s okay if some people don’t like me. No one is liked by everyone!”

Examples of Perspective Taking

• How might someone else view this situation? Most people probably would not think they are lazy if they do not exercise 2 hours everyday. Kelly, my best friend, only has time to work out for 1 hour, 2 to 3 times a week, and feels pretty good about it.

• Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able to work out 2 hours every day is understandable, given a busy schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.

• What might I tell a close friend who is having similar thoughts? It is okay to only workout for 1 hour per day or even less. Working out regularly, say 2 to 3 times a week, is good enough!

Looking at the Big Picture

• People with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying about “the little things”. One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does it really matter?

2. What is the worst that could happen?

3. If the worst does happen, how can I survive it?

4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?

Compromising

•One helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking is compromising. Compromising involves being more flexible or even adjusting your very “high standards.”

Do You Have Any Questions?

Perfectionists are Capable of Ecstatic Heights• “The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is

stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. Optimal experience is thus something that we can make happen…such experiences are not necessarily pleasant at the time they occur, yet these experiences may have been the best moments of one’s life.” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990, pp.5-6.

References

• Csikszentmihaly, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York, NY: Harper & Row.• Denton, D. & Ashton, W. (2004). Spirituality: Actions & Pedagogy: Teaching from the heart. New York, NY: Peter Lang Publishing Inc.• King, D. DeCicco, T. (2009). A viable model and self-report measure of spiritual intelligence. International Journal of Transpersonal Studies, 28(1), 68-85.• Letendre, J., Nelson-Becker, H., & Kreider, J. (2005). Teaching spirituality in the classroom: Building compassionate and non-judgmental conversations with students. Reflections, 11(3), 8-19.• Tolliver, D.,& Tisdell, E. (2006). Engaging spirituality in the transformative higher ed. Classroom: New Directions for Adult and Continuing Ed., Issue 1, 37-47.• Vaughan, F. (2002). What is Spiritual Intelligence? Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 42(2), 16-33.• Wolman, R. (2001). Thinking with your soul: Spiritual intelligence and why it matters. Richard N. Wolman.• Zohar, D. (2012). Spiritual Intelligence: The Ultimate Intelligence. London, U.K.: Bloomsbury Pub.