Don't Tell Me to Relax, it doesn't work!

7/31/2019 Don't Tell Me to Relax, it doesn't work!

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HOW TO::IGNORE ADVICE OF ANNOYANCE

DON ’ T

TELL ME

TO RELAX…

I T

DOESN ’ T

WORK !



EXPERT RECOMMENDATIONS Who knew your Uncle’s boss’s wife knew it all?

It fascinates me time and time again just how easily people push their advice, their

opinions, and their ‘expert’ recommendations onto you when you first become a

mother. It is almost as if each mother is simply not allowed to be their own

person and instead must follow “the rules”… Problem is, everyone has their own

beliefs and their own set of ‘rules’… So how do you determine what is best for

you? How do you create your own set of rules? How do you work out your own

“way of living”?

How do you ignore the constant stream of advice?

I recall the story of the first day I contemplated buying formula for my child. To

me the scene played out as if I were on the set of a comedy, it didn’t make sense

and while I can laugh at it now, at the time I can remember holding my child and

believing that I didn’t deserve her, that I just “wasn’t cut out” to be a good mother.

It wasn’t until later that I realised that to be a mother requires a type of strength

and confidence in yourself that many people, many new mothers, struggle to find.

I stood with my child in my arms daunted by what seemed like one thousand



“IT ISN’T WHAT YOU HAVE, OR WHO YOU ARE, OR

WHERE YOU ARE, OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING THAT

MAKES YOU HAPPY OR UNHAPPY. IT IS WHAT YOU

THINK ABOUT.” – DALE CARNEGIE

I stood with my child in my arms daunted by what seemed like thousands of different brands of formula and as I picked

up tin after tin attempting to choose the right one all I could see was the warning label stating in bold letters to me that

“breast was best”.

Why couldn’t I do it? Why did I have to be the woman who couldn’t figure out how to breast-feed? As I stood there

hating myself for not being able to do what was meant to come naturally, an old grey haired lady – the sort of lady that

reminded you of your nana – came up to me. She didn’t tell me how beautiful my child was, she didn’t ask my child’s

name – no, she simply stared me down and said the words that I don’t think I will ever be able to forget…

“Young mothers these days, they don’t care enough

to feed their child the right way – it’s all about

convenience”

I tell you no lie.

As the tears welled up in my eyes, without

saying a word I walked as quickly as I could

out of the shops and drove home – withou

any formula.

Little did I know at the time that wasn’t to be

the last time someone threw his or her

opinions in my face, but as time has passed

I have somehow taught myself that i

doesn’t matter what the old biddies in the

supermarket say, it doesn’t matter wha

well meaning friends and family tell you –

all that matters is the safety and

happiness of your child, and what YOU

believe to be the best thing for them.



HAVE YOU REALLY HEARD IT ALL?People are outrageous – plain and simple…

I never realised just how offensive people can be without realising it until the moment I became

a mother. It seems when you are a mother there are a lot of strangers out there who feel a

need to give you their input on situations that will not affect them in any manner…

My favorite to date by far is my local petrol cashier. She is a repeat offender. Not only each

time as I bring in my child does she like to comment on everything from my daughters

[apparently messy] hair, dummy usage, and lack of socks. She also has this uncanny ability of

bringing up my choice to conceive only one child in my lifetime. The final conversation of thiskind happened not so long ago, and I discovered that I can in fact – quite simply - be a bitch

to strangers when need be.



“About time to have

another one, eh?”

“Oh, we are not

having anymore.”

“Sure you are”

“No, we are happy with

just the one”

“Don’t be silly, every

child needs a brother or

sister”

“She has a step brother”

“That doesn’t count, she needs a real sibling”

“We decided just to have the one”

“You’ll change your mind…”

“Uh-ha”

[ONE WEEK LATER]

“So you decided to have another one yet?”

“No, just the one”

“You’ll change your mind, trust me”

“Uh-ha”

[THE WEEK AFTER]

“So is this little one going to be a big sister yet?”

“No”

“Why not? Every one needs a brother or sister”

“We just decided that we can’t go through IVF again”

“ahh IVF baby then? You must have some frozen eggs then? I hear

people do that – you’ll want to have another baby soon, you don’t want

to much of an age difference”

“Frozen Embryo’s - no we disposed of them”

“Hugh?”

“I don’t want anymore children. I disposed of the embibabies – I “killed”

them about a year ago!”

-Speechless-



That was the last time I went to that petrol station.

Now in my heart I know that I shouldn’t have said something so cruel to a

stranger, however the conversation just kept going and I just couldn’t take it

anymore, I just didn’t want the cashier

telling me that I was going to have

another child – maybe I will, maybe I

won’t, however ultimately isn’t that my

choice, isn’t that my business?

Shouldn’t this woman have taken the

hint the first time the conversation

took place? What ever happened to

talking about the weather anyway?

People have a way of thinking that

when it comes to motherhood,

advice or even closed ended

statements should not only be

heard but should acted upon as

if it were religion.

Some of the doosies I have

heard more recently still

continue to astonish me…

“A mother working stunts a

child’s mental development”

| “Routine destroys a

child’s independence” |

“My child was toilet

trained at 19 months,

most mothers are just lazy” | “Don’t immunise” “Do immunise” | “If the dog licks

your child she will become allergic”…..

The list is endless, but at the end of the day you simply just have to separate

your thoughts from others opinions and do what is best for your family.



KNOWING WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS

& WHAT ARE OTHERS OPINIONS

I am no expert, I do not have any qualifications, nor do I have any real “authority” on the topic – but what I do have is

real life experience. I literally mean it when I say that I have been through it all. And somehow, I suggest through sheer

will power and determination, I have managed to come out the other side a better woman, a woman who wants to share

her thoughts simply so she can help others.

It seems almost unwise for me to suggest that we can often not be sure which thoughts are our thoughts and which are

the opinions of others. However I have learned over time that sometimes when others drill something into your mind on

a constant basis, when each time you hear something, it slowly embeds its way into your head making you believe that it

is the right way - the only way.

Have you ever hopped in the car, driven five minutes down the road only for your partner to say “did you lock the front

door?” yes, yes you locked it. You can envision it in your mind... Until the question is asked again “Have you locked the

front door?” Slowly your mind changes what you thought to be true into an uncertainty that makes you turn the car

around and head back to check a door that is of course – locked.

To me snippets of advice are the same. They are repeated to you time and time again until you find yourself either

doing something that makes you uncomfortable or not doing something that in your heart you know is best for your

child.

And that there, to me, is the key to knowing what are your thoughts and what are others opinions.

If you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable – then let that piece of advice slide – just let it be someone

else’s opinion….

Take for example my favorite piece of advice, the one that causes the most controversy in my life at the moment. The





WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

LEARNING TO IGNORE OTHERS OPINIONS

So what is best for you?

I have recognised over time that knowing what the problem is and dealing with the problem are two very separate things.

For a long time I suffered from not knowing what was best for me, and struggling through making the right decision formy life, simply because I didn’t have the “tools” to figuring it out.

A wise woman once said to me that I always had a choice, that we were given the ability to make our own decisions

and while sometimes it may be hard, there are certain mind sets that can help us to overcome our indecisions.

Perhaps it may seem “silly” or comical to ask yourself a question each time you make a decision, however I have

learned that no matter how ridiculous it seems at first, no matter how you adapt the questions to suit your lifestyle and

issues, it works – it honestly works.

When I first began applying this “tool” to my everyday life, like everything else that must become habit, I began a 21-day

challenge. Each day when faced with even the simplest or most complex of decisions I made the choice to ask myself

two questions.

1. How does this affect my relationship with my husband?

2. How does this affect my relationship with my daughter?

From there, everything else was quite straightforward…

If it affected my husband or daughter in a negative manner, than proceeding was not an option. If it affected thempositively, then the decision was made.

The biggest choice I have made as a mother [to me] is in fact [going back to the conversations with the petrol cashier]

the decision not to have more children via assisted fertility. So many factors to consider, so much information to judgebut when it came down to it, when we asked ourselves how this would affect our relationships the choice was simple.

I knew in my mind, my husband couldn’t handle my IVF emotions again, and I knew in my mind that if I chose to do IVF,

if I chose to fall pregnant, and if I chose to have another little babe, that I would in part neglect my relationship with my



daughter. Making our decision simple. Possible negative outcome = our choice

not to do IVF again.

At the end of the day the choice is yours and yours alone. If a decision you

make affects your family in a negative manner, then choose not to go down

that road – and if the world wants to argue with your choices – let them…

Take a stand…

“Breast feeding is the only way to feed your child. If you do not breast feed you are harming your child”

How does breast-feeding affect your family? Does it only cause stress and

tears? Does your husband worry day in a day out simply because you arestruggling? Is your child screaming because they simply just want food? Then

stop. Breathe and remember that food is food. If formula feeding takes a

stress from you and puts enjoyment and building a stronger, healthier

relationship with your child back into your life – decision made.

“It’s not that hard, I take my children on an educational outing everyday – you

must as well.”

Not everyone is superwoman. Full stop. Ask yourself – does playing with my

child in my own manner affect my relationship with my husband? Will an

educational outing change the relationship I have with my child?

And the simple things in life? Well I know from experience that while theyseem trivial the constant repetition of the questions somehow seeps into our

minds and makes us doubt our abilities as a mother. But at the end of the

day – if it doesn’t affect your top two relationships, then it doesn’t matter.

If others want to tell you their opinion – tell them yours. At the end of the

day, if a stranger in the shop wants to openly comment toward you, why

not openly comment toward them? [Ok so perhaps not out loud, but there

is always thinking it!]

“ ” “Really? Well, you should be wearing

a better fitting bra.”

“What, so they can pull each others hair out, scream at the top of their lungs

and slap each other around making a scene like your children are doing at the

moment?

“ “Why don’t you know how todevelop a cure for cancer?

“Perhaps only in your instance - because you don’t have anysocial skills to teach them”….

“Y OU MUST CONSTANTLY ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS : W HO AM I AROUND ? W HAT ARE THEY DOING

TO ME ? W HAT HAVE THEY GOT ME READING ? W HAT HAVE THEY GOT ME SAYING ? W HERE DO THEY HAVE

ME GOING ? W HAT DO THEY HAVE ME THINKING ? AND MOST IMPORTANT , WHAT DO THEY HAVE ME

BECOMING ? T HEN ASK YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION : I S THAT OKAY ? Y OUR LIFE DOES NOT GET BETTER

BY CHANCE , IT GETS BETTER BY CHANGE .” – JIM R OHN



HAVE FAITH IN ALL YOU DO…

It has been two years since I started my motherhood experience and while I know that in the years to come

I will be told more about my life by strangers then I can even now foresee - I also know that because I

have chosen to believe in myself and my own choices, that I will be able to ignore their “advice of

annoyance” and simply do what I believe in.

Always bear in mind that standing strong is an act of love.

Making your own choices and following what you believe is what makes a great parent – I know this because

I see the happiness in my daughters eyes…

It took time for me to learn how, but over the past year I have stood strong. I have continued to make

choices solely based on the well being of my husband and my daughter and because of that – because I

have managed to ignore peoples advice and outrageous comments, I have come to a point where not only

is my daughter bright and happy – my husband and I are happy as well.

At the end of the day remember that…

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is

living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own

inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already

know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs



BROUGHT TO YOU BY::

DON ’ T

TELL ME

TO RELAX…

I T

DOESN ’ T

WORK !

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Don't Tell Me to Relax, it doesn't work!