Daily Illuminator, Issue Two

THE DAILY ILLUMINATOR08 March 2010

Issue Two

THE MINISTER SPEAKS

Welcome to the second issue of the Daily Illuminator for 2010. As you'll soon see, I'm still experimenting with a few things, trying a few different ways of writing the Illuminator dammit what were you thinking of?

One of the major changes is the introduction of regular features to the Illuminator. Which technically makes this a magazine now, but that's what happens when there isn't actually enough news to meet requirements.

First up, the Dictator's Decree is (hopefully) going to be a regular piece from our glorious Dictator1. I've got no idea what he's going to put in there – he's the Dictator and it's his column, so it could be anything.

Next is The Week That Was. This is, quite simply, a summary of all that's happened in the world of KAOS in the past week.

The logical follow up to a retrospective feature is a forward-looking feature. And that's what The Week That Will Be is. Anything that might be of interest to KAOS – parties, killing rounds, future stunts, shows, anything – will find its way here. If you've got something coming up, for god's sake let me know and I'll squeeze it in2.

Following that is Tales of Parties Past. In this feature, we will look at crazy hijinks and madcap adventures from parties past – pandas, cultists, chronologically-inverted individuals, Zorro spiking drinks, and more. It'll all be talked about here.

Our penultimate feature is the Agent Profile. This week we'll be looking at Master Assassins as a collective, but in future weeks we may very well pull up individual agent profiles and put them in the Illuminator for all to read.

Finally, we have the Guest Columns. This is your part, people – if you want to write for KAOS, this is where your words will end up. Put pen to paper, and send it through to [email protected].

1 If you don't know the chant by now, you haven't been paying enough attention. Looks like another year of university for you, buddy.2 You have a filthy, filthy mind.

DICTATOR'S DECREE

Alright, alright, settle down then. We're here to talk about KAOS, not gossip like a bunch of schoolkids.

Last week was a good turn out. That makes me happy; it's always good to see agents

getting into the killing rounds. Let's have more of that in the future, shall we?

There was, however, some sloppy work there – I lost count of the number of agents that needed to be executed for ill-advised actions. Now, I'm as much for a good execution as the next man, woman or outer-dimensional being, but these things should be done in moderation. If this keeps up, we'll run out of agents by the end of the year!

And another thing -3

Okay, okay. Confession time. This isn't actually the Dictator speaking. It's me, the Minister of Truth. He said he was going to write a column for this week, and I set the space aside for him, but it appears he was otherwise engaged.

I don't want to give Politburo secrets away or anything, but he was pretty busy …

So, yeah. You get a Terminator: Salvation reference instead.

3 This works a whole lot better if you imagine a record scratch right here.

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Issue Two

THE WEEK THAT WAS

The Minister of TruthIt's been a pretty busy week the last seven

days. We had a two-day killing round, which managed to draw plenty of attention – to the point that we have had even more people ask about KAOS and where to sign away their souls1.

On Friday night, we had the Toga Party, which kicked all kinds of arse.

Then came the weekend, and all was quiet and calm throughout the house.

Nope, not even this.

Of course, I'm sure there was a whole lot more going on throughout the week – infinite discussions wherein the great mysteries of the universe where unveiled, revelations like unto that which you have never known – but someone also bought themselves a new Nerf gun and brought it to the KAOS corner, at which point the KAOS gremlins promptly descended upon it and assembled it in less than five seconds, and that's far more exciting news2, isn't it?

On the good news front, we managed to make it through the week without the planet exploding, our country drowning, or anybody declaring war on anyone else, so I think we're doing alright so far this year.

The Killing Round

Well, there was going to be a piece from Q here about how the Killing Round went down, including things like spectacular kills and executable offences. Sadly, Q is a slack bastard who didn't get the report to me in time. So,

instead, I'm going to do a GIS for “gimp” with the safety off and put the image in here.

Well, that was surprisingly tame.

Next time it'll be slashfic. I'm serious.

Toga, Toga, Toga!Or: KAOS Still Kicks Arse

The Minister of TruthThe Dictator was going to write this article,

but thanks to constitutional requirements his memories of the night are somewhat hazy, so it's up to me to fill him – and the rest of you – in on what was an awesome night3.

So, there were this Russian gymnasts, and they did this thing where they held each other –

Okay, okay. I'm the Minister of Truth, so I should actually own up. I didn't actually go, instead staying home to write the Illuminator for your dissemination. Well, not really. I got a good night's sleep and woke up early and oh god I'm such an old man why why whyyyyyyy-

Okay, I've taken my meds now. I'm sure the party was awesome. Anyone got any anecdotes that I can put into next week's Tales of Parties Past?

1 Actually, they were more interested in the parties, but you get the idea.2 Incidentally, I'd recommend against using that gun after midnight during a new moon if you've had any dairy during the previous 24 hours.3 Hey Nick, remember that bit were you got naked and tried to use your man-parts as a paintbrush?

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THE WEEK THAT WILL BE

Theatre

The Minister of TruthSo, shameless plug time. Next week, MuSoc is

putting on a show.Not just any show, however. They're putting

on Reefer Madness, an overblown, over-the-top satire of the kinds of drug PSAs they put out in the thirties. It's dripping with talent, and is in fact directed by a fellow KAOSian. You should check it out; by all accounts, it's going to rock. Tickets are $10.00 for students, and it runs from the 13 th to the 20th of March.

The fact that my girlfriend happens to have a part in the show has nothing to do with me pushing this on you. Honest.

Seriously, though, it would be awesome if we could get together a KAOS contingent to go to this show. Performing arts are an underappreciated art form and really need to be supported and okay I'll get off my soapbox now.

Operation Limited Justice

General HavocAlright, listen up, because I'm only going to say

this once.Word has reached the Politburo of a large

armoured force moving on the KAOS homeland. If we act quickly, we can engage them and drive them back before they do too much damage. I have no doubt that if we pull together, work hard,

and do our best, we will prevail. We'll need tanks, we'll need soldiers, and we'll need a battlefield.

We'll also need an enemy to fight, but I'm sure that will sort itself out.

Operation Limited Justice is the codename given to the latest KAOS mock battle. The battle is still in its planning stages, but we're hoping to have it on Friday the 20th of March, on campus (it's a stunt, after all – we want people to stop and stare).

From Monday this week (so, today), there'll be a sign-up sheet sitting in the KAOS corner. If you put your name down, you're agreeing to help build a tank. If you can't make it into university for whatever reason but are still interested , seand an email to the Minister of Truth at [email protected], and I'll put your name down on the list for you.

The sign-up list closes on Friday, so make sure and get your name down if you're keen.

Over the next week, we'll hopefully spend some time building ourselves some tanks. For now, we're just looking for something made out of cardboard, with one or two Nerf or water guns for blowing up the enemy. Tanks shouldn't be much bigger than two-person tinpots, although if you want to put the effort in to create something more epic that would be … well … epic.

Once the tanks are built, we'll divide the participants into two teams, drag the tanks up to University, and duke it out like they did in World War Two1.

Bear in mind that the goal at this stage is to make tanks that can be destroyed, which means there will be a clean-up afterward. This is also going to be a public stunt, so Rule One of KAOS applies2.

That about covers it, really. So, onward – to Limited Justice!

1 The batttle of Kharkov, people. Look it up.2 Don't be a dick. Or is that rule two? I don't know, I'm not even allowed to talk about this stuff, so how am I supposed to remember it?

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TALES OF PARTIES PASTOf Pandas and Paramedics

Lady GreyThere is a story told of the time a ninja panda

came to a party. Stories always grow in the telling, of course, so what follows is not necessarily what happened.

There was definitely a ninja panda, however. He was actually quite a friendly chap – very chatty and polite.

Of course, we here in KAOS are no strangers to the strange, so a ninja panda at a party is perfectly fine. He wasn't hurting anyone or being uncouth, after all.

This particular party, however, had one or two …. let's call them newcomers to the KAOS scene. One of these newcomers allowed the effects of alcohol to overome him, and consequently required medical attention.

So the paramedics arrived and tended to his needs. He regained sense enough to talk to them, and in his inebriated state apparently felt the need to discuss just how much fun the party was until he passed out. Said newcomer was then restrained and wheeled out. As he departed the party, he was heard to say, “But you've gotta believe me! There really was a giant ninja panda drinking with me!”

Disclaimer: although Lady Grey's name is on this article, it was written by the Minister of Truth. So if you happened to have actually been at this party, and remember things differently, please complain at me, not her: [email protected]

Technically, it's a panda samurai. Oh well.

AGENT PROFILEMaster Assassins: What The Hell?

The Minister of TruthNow, you may have heard this term bandied

around the camp fire. You may even have seen one of our agents sauntering down a poorly-lit hallway with a solemn stare upon their face. As they drew their weapon and cut you down without so much as blinking, you may have glimpsed the blood-red badge upon their shoulder and realised that you have been taken down an agent that is somehow capable of more than other agents.

Like this guy.

This is a Master Assassin. They are easily identified by the red badge. Should you see one of these agents, your best bet is to run away. Or kill them when they're not looking.

A Master Assassin is, quite simply, an exceptional agent. They have done something spectactular over one or more killing rounds – an amazing run of kills without dying once, a spectactular stunt-kill, and so on. Our very own Dictator is a Master Assassin (so maybe you should re-think that revolution you were planning).

So, how do you become a Master Assassin? Simple: be awesome. Do something awesome in a killing round, and do it where people can see you. If it's awesome enough, you may just be awarded with a red badge.

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GUEST COLUMNS

Mad Scientist Archives: Journal Entry #27

Ah, the night sky. When the clouds are absent the stars can be clearly seen. So much energy waiting to be tapped, but so far

away. A normal night, up until I looked at the moon that is.

The moon was green. Green, I tell you. Such an omen is never to be ignored. An omen for what, you may ask? Well, I thought that would be simple. It was time to start. What else does someone commonly associate a big green light with? So I went back into the lab and informed my assistant. Great assistant, this one. Had to go through several just to find the right one, as is normal. Some are just so clueless. They look the part, and act it, but once you get them in the lab it's soon clear just how wrong they are. And that's part of the problem, you see. I can't let anyone see my work and leave. Can't have my ideas and plans be known to the others. So what do you do with an assistant who you have no use for? Why, you use them in experiments of course.

I do recall my current assistant's predecessor. Managed to survive for quite some time before she succumbed to insanity. I don't remember her real name – I make it a point to avoid such familiarity with failures. Honestly, you would think that people understand what is required of an assistant. This is no work experience tenure. This is not some place to learn the ropes. I don't have the time to babysit some fresh-out-of learning bright-eyed idiot. I don't have the time to explain the reasons behind doing things different to what the books said. Honestly, about ninety percent of the words that I hear from such people is drivel. It's useless. Oh sure, it's a great base to start with. You just have to be adaptable when you get into the workforce. But again, I have no time for such activities.

You know, you shouldn't let me go off like that. We'll never get anywhere. What was I talking

about? Oh, yes, that's right. Time to start. I have a plan, you see. And it's a grand plan. Finally I have an assistant who can help me achieve it, too. I won't bore you with the details. Well, I suppose by the time someone finds this journal you will know the details anyway, so really it would be quite superfluous of me to do so.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must return to my work.

WRITE FOR KAOS

The Minister of TruthWant to write for the Illuminator? Sure you do!

All you need to do is put together between 400 and 600 words, email it to [email protected], and wait for the accolades to come rolling in!

There are a few guidelines, of course. First of all, there's the obvious limit of the wordcount. Ideally, each column should only take up, well, a single column (as you can see, I'm sticking to that with absolute religious fervour). 400 words seems to be about sufficient, and really, 400 words isn't that hard to write!

The other thing to be aware of is the deadline. If you want your precious precious words to appear in the Illuminator, you really need to get them through to me by Friday midday before the issue you want your words in.

Of course, this requirement is waived for things that occur after Friday, such as parties and weekend stunts.

I'd love to hear from you, and as you can see, I'm keen to publish anything even tangentially related to KAOS. Feel free to submit whatever you want, and if it's good enough1 , I'll put it in the Illuminator.

Right, well that's it for this week's edition of the Illuminator. Like what you read? Think there's room for improvement? Drop me a line and let me know!

1 i.e. you know the difference between an apostrophe and a semi-colon, you know how to spell, and you actually wrote the article.

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Daily Illuminator, Issue Two