CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS - ACHIEVE · PDF fileCONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS Conflict holds great potential for harm and for good. The results of unhealthy conflict impact us individually

CONFLICTRESOLUTION SKILLS

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS Conflict holds great potential for harm and for good. The results of unhealthy conflict impact us individually and contribute to negative group performance. Those people who master essential conflict resolution skills reduce the occurrence of negative conflicts in their lives, leading to healthier, happier relationships and work environments. Conflict has many sources, including miscommunication, disagreements, stress and personality differences. Many conflicts would not spiral out of control if people used conflict resolution techniques that are easy to learn and utilize. This workshop will teach participants to understand the dynamics of conflict and equip them with the skills needed to respond confidently and effectively.

Conflict Resolution Skills © 2016 ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership & Workplace Performance

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Page 4 Conflict Overview

Page 5 My Conflict Example

Page 6 Spheres of Conflict

Page 9 Conflict Escalation

Page 11 Dealing with Misunderstandings

Page 14 The Intention Check

Page 17 Disagreements: Positions to Interests

Page 20 The Interest Check

Page 22 Conflict Resolution Style Preferences

Page 24 The Style Check Page 25 Skills for Resolution

Page 28 Triggers

Page 29 10 Strategies for Staying Calm in Conflict Page 31 A Resolution Process: ABCD

Page 32 Appendix: The Three Conflict Resolution Checks

Page 33 Appendix: Skill Development Scenarios Page 39 Appendix: Preparing for Conflict Resolution

Page 41 Appendix : When Resolution Is not Reached

Page 42 Appendix: Beliefs and Assumptions About Conflict

Page 43 Resources

Page 44 ACHIEVE Services

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CONFLICT OVERVIEW Conflict has many sources, including miscommunication, disagreements, stress and personality differences. It impacts us individually and often contributes to negative group performance. Many conflicts would not escalate if people used conflict resolution techniques that are easy to learn and utilize. People who master essential conflict resolution skills reduce negative conflict in their lives, leading to healthier, happier relationships and work environments.

Conflict Definitions: • It is a struggle between opposing sides, or• Is difference + tension

ACHIEVE believes: • Conflict resolution exists on a continuum from constructive to destructive. If handled

well, conflict can be constructive; if handled poorly, it can be destructive.• Conflict is a natural part of all relationships. It is part of the essence of being human.• Our reaction to conflict often determines whether the situation will be constructive or

destructive.

This workshop explores three dominant sources of conflict: 1. Miscommunication involving assumptions and misunderstanding.2. Disagreement about how to solve something.3. Personal conflict resolution style differences.

Reflection 1. What are some issues that people often have conflict or tension about?

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2. In a workplace setting, what are some of the things that increase the likelihood of conflict?

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MY CONFLICT EXAMPLE Instructions Choose a conflict that you would like to analyze or work on during this workshop. It should be one that you are comfortable sharing with another person. It could be a conflict involving a colleague, client, neighbour or family member. 1. Who was involved?

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2. Describe where it happened.

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3. What was said, or what was done by them?

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4. How did it make you feel, or what was it like for you?

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5. How did you respond?

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6. How did you feel afterwards?

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7. What has happened since then?

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SPHERES OF CONFLICT* Understanding where conflict lies helps us plan appropriate and effective intervention. Conflicts can be rooted in different areas or spheres. People may experience conflict in one sphere that could also be rooted in another sphere. For example, two people may be experiencing conflict about how they are working together on a project. At a deeper level it may be that the conflict is related to one person’s struggle with addictions and how that is affecting their performance at work. If the two people work on their workplace conflict, but fail to pay attention to the addiction issue, the conflict will likely continue. The five spheres of conflict include:

Systemic(the culture)

Inter-group(between groups)

Intra-group(in our group)

Inter-personal(between us)

Intra-personal(within me)


Intra-personal • Struggle occurs within me. • May be caused by personal problems such as relational conflict, tragedy, ill health or any

other external event(s). • Symptoms can include mental health issues such as depression, stress, addictions,

anxiety, withdrawal or irritability. Inter-personal

• Struggle involves a relationship between two people. • May be caused by a misunderstanding, difference of opinion or personality differences. • Symptoms may include fighting by email, disagreements, avoidance, emotional flare-ups

and/or relational breakdown. Intra-group

• Struggle involves relationships with other group members (such as co-workers). The struggle exists because of the way the group functions.

• May be caused by a misunderstanding or difference of opinion within a group or structural issues within an organization.

• Symptoms may include gossip about management or co-workers, disagreements, emotional flare-ups, relational breakdown, decreased productivity and/or avoidance of group meetings.

Inter-group

• Struggle involves a relationship between groups. It is often connected to a person’s identity as a group member (i.e., because I am member of my group, it puts me in a conflict with anyone from the other group).

• May be caused by a misunderstanding or difference of opinion between groups or competition for scarce resources.

• Symptoms may include large-scale disagreements between groups, emotional flare-ups, avoidance, stereotyping based on group membership, relational breakdown, organizational dysfunction and/or civil unrest.

Systemic

• Struggle is because of systemic injustices related to policies, laws or prejudices. • Symptoms may include unequal treatment of minority groups, prevalent prejudices,

racism, social protest and/or civil unrest. * Adapted from Maire Dugan’s Nested Theory of Conflict

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Reflection 1. Conflicts can be in more than one sphere at the same time. What spheres are contributing

to your conflict example?

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2. Where do you think your conflict is most deeply rooted (what sphere is the main source of conflict)?

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3. The larger the sphere, the more effort it takes to influence that sphere. What sphere do you want to invest energy into improving?

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CONFLICT ESCALATION* Conflict resolution exists on a continuum, from constructive to destructive. If handled well and early, conflict can be constructive; if handled poorly or left unchecked, it becomes more and more destructive. By seeking help early, you can help to prevent a downward spiral!

Stage one: Problem solving

• Disagree, but share problem. • Best place to deal with conflict constructively.

Example: Junior staff need supervision. A new manager is hired. Stage two: Personal antagonism

• Something about the other party is seen as the problem. • Trust begins to decrease.

Example: New manager is perceived to be a dictator. Stage three: Issue multiplication

• Begin to identify more problems with the other party. • Decrease in clear communication.

Example: New manager is a dictator, can’t lead meetings and is unavailable. Stage four: Triangulation

• Draw support from others around “my/our” position. • Increased talking about rather than to the other party.

Example: Gossip about the new manager grows, and so does disagreement. Stage five: Polarization/hostility

• Anger and frustration are publicly directed towards the other party. • Look for opportunities to frustrate or “get back.” • Very little communication between parties.

Example: Cornering the manager and her supporters in a meeting. Stage six: Change in social structure

• Individuals leave or are forced out of the relationship. • Organization divides.

Example: Manager fires someone while others quit.

Constructive High levels of: • Trust • Communication • Connection

Destructive Low levels of: • Trust • Communication • Connection

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Reflection 1. Where have you seen conflicts escalate as described above?

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2. How far has your conflict example escalated (and how do you know)?

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3. What would need to happen to move your conflict example towards more constructive conflict resolution as it relates to this model of conflict escalation?

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* Adapted from: Schrock-Shenk, C. (2000). Mediation and facilitation training manual (4th ed). Akron, PA: Mennonite Conciliation Service.


DEALING WITH MISUNDERSTANDINGS Misunderstandings based on negative or incorrect assumptions about another person’s intentions are at the root of many conflicts. When we are affected by another person’s actions (either negatively or positively), we naturally assume that they intended to affect us in that way. If our assumption is that the other person had negative intent, it will lead to conflict. All of our interactions with other people have public and private elements. Our actions, the things we do and say, are public. Our intentions behind our actions, and the effects of our actions on others, are normally private or internal. We assume that our intentions are made clear by our actions. We also assume that the other person meant to affect us as they did.

Private Public

Intent

Assumptions Action

Effect

In order to address misunderstandings successfully, we need to name the assumptions at the root of the misunderstanding. We need to make what is privately thought, public. The following table shows how an initial assumption creates a chain of escalating misunderstanding. Notice how the conflict escalates.

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1. Intent (private) 2. Action (public) 3. Effect (private) 4. Assumption Round 1 Bob was

distracted and focussed on his work.

Bob did not respond to Jen’s greeting.

Jen felt rejected by Bob.

Jen thinks, “Bob has a problem with me.”

Round 2

Jen is hurt by Bob and doesn’t want further rejection.

Jen ignores Bob at lunch.

Bob feels rejected by Jen.

Bob thinks Jen has a problem with him.

Round 3 Bob is hurt by Jen and wants to figure it out.

Bob mentions to a co-worker (Ann) that Jen seems moody.

Ann feels uncomfortable.

Ann thinks Bob is criticizing Jen’s work and might have a problem with her too.

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Case Study: Committee work with Ellen and Orville Ellen and Orville, together with six other people, are on a committee that is trying to decide what to do when some expected income did not come in to their organization. Ellen, who has been with the organization for six months, makes a suggestion that they should simply dip into their line of credit and advertise more. Orville, who has been with the organization for 12 years, says, “That will never work. We’ve been there. There is only one solution: We need to get out there, pound the pavement and sell more product!” 1. What did Orville do (the action)?

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2. How do you think Ellen felt (the effect)? ___________________________________________________________________________

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3. What do you think Ellen might assume about Orville’s intent? ___________________________________________________________________________

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Your Scenario Using your own conflict example, write down one thing that the other person said or did that bothered you. Then write down how it affected you and what you thought the other person meant by it. 1. What did the other person do (the action)?

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2. How did you feel (the effect or impact)? ___________________________________________________________________________

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3. What did you believe their intent was? What are your assumptions? ___________________________________________________________________________

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4. What other possible explanations may there be for their action? ___________________________________________________________________________

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THE INTENTION CHECK* The Intention Check is a tool for dealing with assumptions and misunderstandings. It allows the user to start a conversation without immediately causing defensiveness in the other person. The Intention Check

1. Describe the action. 2. Ask about their intention. 3. Listen – Restate. 4. Describe the effect (if necessary).

Example This example comes from the story on page 13.

1. Describe action Ellen: “Orville, at the meeting you said something about my idea not being workable.”

2. Ask about intent Ellen: “I wondered where you were coming from on that.”

3. Listen – Restate Orville: “We had tried that a few years ago and it put us in a really difficult position. I didn’t want to suffer the pain of going down that road again.”

4. Describe effect Ellen: “That’s good to know. When you made that comment at the meeting, I felt embarrassed because I interpreted it as a public put-down of my idea.”

Your scenario Write an Intention Check for your scenario described on page 13. Or you can use the Skill Development Case Studies on pages 33–36. 1. Non-judgementally and briefly describe what the other person did (the action).

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2. Ask about their intention. ___________________________________________________________________________

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3. Turn to a partner and read your intention check to them. Ask for feedback. *The Intention Check is adapted from: How to deal with difficult people, training manual, 2011. Winnipeg, MB: Resolution Skills Centre.


Communicate About Effect Using “I” Language

Sometimes an Intention Check will reveal that the other person did not have the best motives, or that they do not understand the impact of their action on you. When this occurs, it may be important to communicate the effect of their actions in order to build understanding. One of the most common mistakes we make during conflict is focussing too much of our attention on the other person. When we use “you” language, it causes defensiveness. One simple way to communicate about effect or impact is to use “I” language. “I” language helps because it avoids laying blame while opening the door to empathy. “I” language conveys what is important to the speaker in a way that the other person is more likely to be able to listen to. It frames problems as my problem, rather than blaming someone else by making it their problem. Example

• Typical “you” language: “You need to keep your dog under control!” • Reframed to “I” language: “When I push my stroller past your fence, the dog barks and

wakes up my napping child causing me and my child all kinds of distress. I’m wondering what could be done to solve that problem.”

One simple way to use “I” language is to use the following “I” Statement framework:

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“I” Statement Framework 1. When you ___________________ (describe action), 2. I feel ____________________ because I ____________________.

(state the effect without blame) 3. What I’d like is ______________________ (state your preference).

Example: “When you raise your voice I feel agitated because I can’t concentrate. What I’d like is for you to lower your voice so I can help you better.”

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Your scenario:

Write an “I” message for your scenario on page 13 (or use the scenarios on pages 33–36): 1. When you:

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2. I feel/felt _________, because I __________.

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3. What I would prefer is:

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Notes:

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DISAGREEMENTS: POSITIONS TO INTERESTS Conflict often involves disagreement, where people hold different ideas or positions about how to solve a particular problem or issue. When this occurs, the most effective way to come to a mutually agreeable solution is to focus the conversation on the interests of the parties rather than on the particular positions they may be offering.

Positions

Person A Person B

Interests Common Interests Interests Interests

Positions Positions are what each party believes and states will solve a problem. Examples:

a. “We can fix this financial problem by working harder and selling more product.” b. “You must be home by 11:00 on Friday night and tell me who you are with.”

Issue An issue is the problem at the centre of a disagreement. It is the thing that needs to be solved. Issues are often framed as questions. Examples:

a. “What should we do about this financial problem?” (Issue: The financial problem) b. “What time should our teenager be home on Friday night?” (Issue: Curfew)

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Public: What’s said is above the surface

Private: What’s not said is below the

surface

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[Grab your reader’s attention with a great quote from the document or use this space to emphasize a key point. To place this text box anywhere on the page, just drag it.]

Interests In order to resolve disagreements, focus on finding and discussing interests. Interests motivate us to take a position and in many cases are unconscious and/or unsaid. They include hopes, fears, concerns, expectations, assumption, beliefs, feelings and values.

20 Common Interests 1. Autonomy 2. Consensus 3. Ease 4. Efficiency 5. Fairness 6. Happiness 7. Health 8. Humility 9. Job security 10. Justice

11. Learning 12. Patriotism 13. Professionalism 14. Reputation 15. Respect 16. Responsibility 17. Safety 18. Self-direction 19. Simplicity 20. Success

In the following examples of interest statements, the interests are underlined:

a. “I want to have job security and be financially responsible. That takes hard work.” b. “I want peace of mind that you are safe, and to know that you are well rested so you

pass your exam.” When people in a disagreement begin discussing interests, they will start to build empathy or understanding of what is motivating each person. Often they will discover that they have common interests in addition to their differing interests. The most viable solutions to a problem take into account as many of the shared and different interests as possible. Notes: ______________________________________________________________________________

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How to Find Interests 1. Ask a question

A simple way to find interests is to ask questions that go beyond or behind the position. You can do this with a question that includes a type of interest in it. Examples:

a. What do you hope will happen if we do it that way? b. What are you afraid might go wrong? c. What are your concerns about this position? d. What are you assuming will happen if we do it that way? e. What is important to you about that?

2. Venture a guess

You may also be able to uncover interests by guessing what is behind a position. When doing this, use an open or tentative tone. Be prepared to be corrected with the real interest if you are wrong. Examples:

a. “My hunch is that you care deeply about financial responsibility.” b. “I wonder if staying out late is about wanting to be connected to your friends, and

have some autonomy to make your own decisions.”

Notes:

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THE INTEREST CHECK (FROM POSITIONS TO INTERESTS) The Interest Check is a tool for resolving disagreements. It helps focus a conversation on interests rather than on positions. The Interest Check

1. Name the issue you are trying to solve (use neutral wording). 2. Ask about interests. 3. Share your interests and point out common interests. 4. Ask, “What possible solutions meet as many of our interests as possible?”

Example This example comes from the Ellen and Orville case study on page 13.

1. Name the issue Orville: “We are trying to solve the issue of cash flow.”

2. Ask about interests Ellen: “What is important to you about ‘pounding the pavement and selling more product?’” Or “What are you afraid may happen if we dip into our line of credit and advertise?”

3. Share your interests and point out common interests Ellen: “It looks like we both want our project to continue, we both value hard work and job security and we both want to increase our business profile. It’s also important to me to have some cash flow to pay staff as we look for new business. And I hear from you that you want to avoid the pain of layoffs and the embarrassment of a failed initiative.”

4. “What are solutions that meet as many of our interests as possible?” Orville: “Perhaps we could use our line of credit to pay salaries, while at the same time having a dual focus on both direct sales and limited, but targeted advertising.”

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Your scenario: Use the Interest Check for your scenario described on page 13. Or you can use the Skill Development Case Studies on pages 33–36. 1. Name the issue you are trying to solve.

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2. Ask about interests. (You will need to guess about the other person’s interests in your scenario for now, and also ask yourself about yours.) ___________________________________________________________________________

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3. Note any common interests. ___________________________________________________________________________

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4. Turn to a partner and share what you have written.

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLE PREFERENCES Personality style differences may be a significant factor in conflict. For the purpose of this course, we focus on conflict resolution style preferences as a window into how to deal with style differences more generally. Conflict resolution style preferences often contribute to our experience of a conflict, and may be a key to resolving conflict. Although style differences themselves cannot be resolved, they can be managed to assist with better communication. We focus on three conflict resolution style preferences, which we call: Drop it, Later, and Now. Case Study Application Read the case study below, and then circle the style that is closest to how you would respond. Case Study: The new coffee machine Your office is next to the new staff room. The organization recently installed a new high-end coffee machine in the staff room. For the past three days, a group of three or four staff have gathered each morning around 10:30 to make coffee together. Their conversations have gone on for 20 to 30 minutes each morning, and their voices are loud and carry easily into your office. You have found it very distracting. Today, the same group appears at their usual time. You are working on a big project with a deadline, and you need to concentrate. You are beginning to worry that this is becoming a pattern. How do you deal with this situation? The Three Styles Drop it You get up from your chair, close your office door, turn up the white noise maker

on your phone, and just try to make the best of it. Later You get up from your chair, close your office door, turn up the white noise maker

on your phone, and just try to make the best of it. However, later that day you see one of the group in the hall and you make a comment about it sounding like they are having a great time with the new coffee machine.

Now You get up from your chair, walk to the staff room, and ask them to keep the

noise down.


1. Describe the styles:

Drop it is like:

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Later is like:

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Now is like:

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2. If you were one of the people in the staff room causing the noise, how would you want your

colleague to deal with it? Choose a style below:

Drop it Later Now 3. What have you noticed when people with different styles try to resolve a conflict?

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THE STYLE CHECK In most cases, people want others to resolve conflict in similar ways to their own style preference. People find it easier to understand and trust others who communicate and have styles more similar to their own. The Style Check is a tool for managing style differences. It assists the user to communicate in ways that will be more easily understood and appreciated by the person with whom they are having conflict. Option A: The Proactive Conversation Use this option with people who you have an ongoing relationship with. Think of this as a proactive conversation to assist you with future conflict.

1. Explain the three conflict styles to the other person and ask which style they prefer to use.

2. Share with them your style preference. 3. Make a commitment to try to communicate in ways that work for the other.

Option B: The Reactive Conversation Use this option when you have not had a proactive conversation, or when you don’t know the person well.

1. Notice how the other person reacts to conflict – try to mirror their style (not necessarily their intensity).

2. Seek a constructive path when talking. 3. Note style differences to the other person, if helpful.

Reflection 1. What conflict resolution style preference do you think the person has in your case study

(you may also choose a familiar person in your life or a character from a case study)? ___________________________________________________________________________

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2. How might you adapt your style so that you are more effective with the other person? ___________________________________________________________________________

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3. Imagine you have the opportunity to talk about styles with the person in question 1. How would you start that conversation? ___________________________________________________________________________

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SKILLS FOR RESOLUTION Individuals and groups caught in conflict frequently revert to using communication habits that are easy and familiar tools to rely on. Many of these habits or tools are not helpful for resolving conflict. Therefore, it is important to learn and practice other skills to use during conflict that are more likely to produce positive results. In this section, we will explore the following:

• Validating • Questioning • Paraphrasing • Attending to Body Language • Acknowledging Your Part

Validating Validating a person’s experience and feelings helps them to feel that their emotions are not wrong. In essence, when we are validating, we are communicating that the other person’s experience is normal and okay.

• “Anger is normal in a situation like this.” • “I respect you for being willing to talk.” • “It can be very frustrating not to know what really happened.” • “I appreciate your perspectives and insights.” • “I value your willingness to speak openly." • "It makes sense to me that you feel that way."

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Questioning The purpose of questioning during conflict is to find more information and understand the other person. During conflict, we need to use questions that open the dialogue rather than shutting it down. Closed-ended questions are normally unhelpful in conflict because they only allow for one word answers, which narrows the conversation. Asking open-ended questions is helpful because these questions invite a longer response and allow for more options regarding how to respond.


Two key starter words in open-ended questions are what and how. Stay away from why questions as they normally lead to defensiveness. Information seeking open-ended questions:

• “Please tell me more about what you’re feeling.” • “How did you react when you heard the news?”

Clarifying open-ended questions:

• “Help me understand what you mean when you talk about feeling it was your fault?” • “When you refer to being anxious in these situations, what is that like?”

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Paraphrasing Paraphrasing is one of the most powerful tools in conflict resolution because it does two important things. First, it helps the person affected by conflict feel that they are being listened to and understood. Second, it helps the person listening confirm that they understand and are not making false assumptions about the other person’s message. When paraphrasing, attempt to:

• Fully understand what the other person is saying. • Use your own words to let the other person know what you think they said – include

both feelings and facts. • Remember the saying: Feeling first, facts follow.

Remember to:

• Allow the speaker to correct you if you have misunderstood something. • Avoid planning your response while the other person is talking.

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Attending to Body Language Body language may carry a large portion of a message, particularly when the message has emotional content. We can display a lot about our attitude and intent during conflict by paying attention to our body language.


Pay particular attention to the following: • Posture

o Is your posture open or closed? Closed posture may look defensive. o Are you sitting up or slouching? Slouching may show disinterest.

• Gestures o Are your gestures closed? Emphatic? Open? Hidden? Try to keep your gestures

relaxed, open and inviting. • Personal space

o Are you giving people the space they may need physically? If someone backs away, do not come closer to them.

• Alertness o Are showing interest and curiosity on your face? Show that you are paying

attention. • Eye contact

o Are you focussed towards them or towards something else? Take your cue from them as to the appropriate amount of eye contact.

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Acknowledging Your Part One of the most disarming things you can do in conflict is to acknowledge or take responsibility for the ways you have contributed to the situation. This is the opposite of what most people expect. When you acknowledge your part, it opens up the possibility for the other person to do same. You can ask yourself the following questions to prepare to acknowledge your part:

• What effect has your behaviour had on them? • What assumptions have you made? • What do you think they may need you to do differently? • What can you take responsibility for? • What can you apologize for?

Notes: ______________________________________________________________________________

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TRIGGERS During conflict we can easily derail the conversation by using words and phrases that trigger an emotional reaction by the other person. Here are some common triggers: Phrases that suggest disinterest “I don’t care.” “I don’t want to hear about…” Phrases that blame “If you paid attention, you would…” “Obviously you haven’t been listening…” Phrases that Brush Someone Off “There’s nothing I can do!” “I’ve tried everything.” Absolute words “You always…” “You never…” Gestures that communicate judgement or command Pointing and shaking of the index finger. Shaking one’s head in disapproval. Raising a hand, palm outward (communicating “stop!”). Others: “You wouldn’t understand.” “Because those are the rules.” “It’s none of your business.” “You need to calm down!” “This is the last time I’m saying this!” Reflection 1. What types of things trigger a reaction in you during conflict?

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2. How might you manage your own triggers more effectively? ___________________________________________________________________________

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10 STRATEGIES FOR STAYING CALM IN CONFLICT 1. Prepare

Spend time thinking about the situation. Use the reflection guide in the Appendix, page 39, Preparing for Conflict Resolution. Practice how you want to start and what you want to say.

2. Practice deep breathing

Deep breathing helps the body regulate blood flow and stress hormones. When faced with conflict or a difficult conversation, the practice of breathing deeply helps maintain our ability to think instead of responding automatically with fight, flight or freeze. It will help you feel calmer.

When breathing deeply, make sure to expand your stomach and your chest as you inhale. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.

3. Practice positive self-talk

When conflict escalates, we weaken our ability to act by thinking negatively about the other person or ourselves. Instead, focus your internal messaging on things that are helpful to you such as:

• “I can get through this if I breathe.” • “I need to listen so that I can understand.” • “I wonder what I’m missing here.”

4. Make the conversation less formal

Making a conversation less formal may also help to relieve the discomfort in conflict. You can do this by:

• Using first names • Sitting in a comfortable space

5. Walk and talk

Walking with someone conveys a sense of working or journeying together. 6. Use a relaxed tone of voice

We convey much meaning through the tone of our voice. Try to use a relaxed and confident tone.


7. Speak with openness and curiosity If you speak with certainty and judgement in a conflict, it can escalate the situation by making the other person feel as though you won’t listen to them. It also may convey that you don’t care what they have to say. Instead, use words that convey openness and curiosity.

Examples: • “At this point, I’m thinking that…” • “I may be wrong, but here is how I see it now…” • “I wonder how you see it.”

8. Frame messages positively

Focus your message on what can be done, not on what cannot be done. Ask them to do the same.

Examples:

Negative Positive “I can’t…” “What I can do is…” “We don’t…” “What we do is…” “You should…” “Let’s try…”

9. Provide time and space

In conflict, people often need space to think about and process information. You can achieve this by: • Calling for a break to think. • Suggesting that you sleep on it before continuing. • Pausing for a moment in the conversation.

10. Sleep on it

Folk wisdom and brain science suggest that we need to sleep on new information before we can make the best decisions. In conflict, it is helpful to sleep on new information before problem solving and committing to a course of action.

Reflection 1. What additional tips would you add to this list?

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2. What tips will you try in the future? ___________________________________________________________________________

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A RESOLUTION PROCESS: ABCD The following process is a framework for use in resolving conflicts. Each conflict is different, as is its resolution, so take this process as a guide, not a “how to.” This resolution process is based on the concepts and skills you have learned and practiced. Please note that this resolution process assumes that you are the one approaching the person to discuss a conflict. Stage One: Assess the conflict

• When possible, assess the conflict using the models from this course, such as spheres and conflict escalation (pages 6 and 9).

• Prepare yourself to use one or more of the Check models (Intention, Interests, Styles – see page 32 for a summary).

• Prepare yourself to use the skills from this course (pages 25–27). Stage Two: Build understanding

• Invite them to share first (remember the Intention Check, page 14). • Ask questions and listen carefully! (use skills for resolution, pages 25–27). • Share your perspective. • Use a Style Check, if appropriate (page 24).

Stage Three: Create solutions

• Name the issues needing resolution (remember the Interest Check, page 20). • Ask questions to find out what their interests are (paraphrase). • Share your interests and find common interests. • Summarize all interests and ask, “What are solutions that meet both of our interests?”

Stage Four: Define the details

• Work out the details of any agreement and acknowledge any disagreement. • Discuss how you will handle any future problems. • Thank the other person for taking the time to work to resolve the issue.

Notes:

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APPENDIX: THE THREE CONFLICT RESOLUTION CHECKS The Intention Check

1. Describe the action. 2. Ask about their intention. 3. Listen – Restate. 4. Describe the effect (if necessary).

The Interest Check

1. Name the issue you are trying to solve (use neutral wording). 2. Ask about interests. 3. Share your interests, and point out common interests. 4. Ask, “What possible solutions meet as many of our interests as possible?”

The Conflict Style Check Option A: The Proactive Conversation Use this option with people who you have an ongoing relationship with. Think of this as a proactive conversation to assist you with future conflict.

1. Explain the three conflict styles to the other person and ask which style they prefer to use.

2. Share with them your style preference. 3. Make a commitment to try to communicate in ways that work for the other.

Option B: The Reactive Conversation Use this option when you have not had a proactive conversation, or when you don’t know the person well.

1. Notice how the other person reacts to conflict – try to mirror their style (not necessarily their intensity).

2. Seek a constructive path when talking. 3. Note style differences to the other person, if helpful.


APPENDIX: SKILL DEVELOPMENT SCENARIOS Skill Development instructions

• Agree on the general theme of the role play ahead of time, but don’t disclose all your issues – have some surprises.

• Don’t exaggerate – be realistic. Angry Parent of Student – Skill Development Joanne, who is the mother of two teens at the junior high school where you teach, is upset at what her oldest daughter, Rachel, in grade 9, has been telling her about your class and a new approach you are using. About 30 minutes after the school day ends, Joanne calls to voice a complaint to you as her daughter’s teacher. After trying to defend yourself for a moment, you suggest that she talk to the principal. During the phone call with you and the principal, she raises her voice, barks out orders and seems unwilling to listen. She makes several accusations that you are incompetent. You find out from the principal that Rachel feels you are being unfair with how you treat her. Furthermore, Rachel feels that since trying to confront you on her concerns with your new small group learning approach, you have “had it out for her.” She is hurt and afraid to continue in your class. You are confused and surprised by the allegations Rachel’s mom made to the principal. Rachel has been a delight to teach. She is an excellent student academically who never disrupts class time. You remember talking to her about the new approach, but from your recollection of the conversation, there was no hint of Rachel feeling like you were being unfair. For this reason, you are distressed as to how she could be hurt by you or believe you are unfair. The principal has asked you to meet after school with Rachel and Joanne to discuss their concerns. He wants you to work out the situation. You are anxious but want to apply conflict resolution skills. For consideration: Assess the conflict using the models from the course. What Conflict Styles approach do you suspect the parties prefer? What strategies might be helpful? How would you proceed? Use the Checks (page 24) or the Resolution Process (page 25) to help you.

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Co-worker Conflict – Skill Development You work in an office that is overworked and understaffed, with the demands on your time continually increasing. You have spoken to your supervisor, Suzanne, requesting more office workers. Several weeks later, you receive an e-mail from Suzanne stating that a new college intern, Adrienne, is being taken on to help you with office management issues. Relieved, you immediately pass on backed-up projects and paper to Adrienne. After a month, you find Adrienne is falling behind in some of the key assignments you gave her, and after approaching her you realize her time is primarily being spent with phone calls and helping Terry, another office worker. Terry’s workload is lighter than yours, and you are frustrated that he monopolizes Adrienne’s time. Frustrations grow after you send a sensitive e-mail to Terry explaining your schedule and requesting him to back off on the workload he gives to Adrienne. During the next monthly staff meeting, Terry completely ignores you and at one point in the meeting makes an offhand suggestion that “some staff who are having problems with being overworked should receive time management training.” In talking with other staff in the office, you decide you need to approach Terry face-to-face with your challenges. After setting up two meetings, both of which Terry has missed due to “something” coming up at the last minute, you are feeling unsure of how to proceed. However, you are even more frustrated as just days before you were going to talk to Terry, you receive an e-mail from a co-worker telling you that Terry is bad mouthing you in the staff room saying you are overstressed and disorganized. Though angry, you want to apply the conflict resolution skills you have just learned. For consideration: Assess the conflict using the models from the course. What Conflict Styles approach do you suspect the parties prefer? What strategies might be helpful? How would you proceed? Use the Checks (page 24) or the Resolution Process (page 25) to help you. ______________________________________________________________________________

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Unreliable Colleague – Skill Development As a community employment professional, your role is to meet with clients to diagnose employment needs, help build competencies and refer individuals to potential employers. The nature of your work requires you to meet with clients who are often dealing with difficult life circumstances. The secretary, Rose, helps with paperwork on client cases, setting up appointments and following up with employers. Rose is sweet natured and bubbly. She willingly takes on tasks, and in the past you have always been able to count on her. In the past six months, staffing has been cut, and you know Rose has a lot on her plate. Lately, Rose has not been completing the tasks you need her to do. Today Claire, a repeat client you have been working with, calls in tears. The workplace she was to have an interview with called saying that her appointment had been cancelled because the necessary paperwork from your office had not come through. Claire has been having a difficult time finding work. She is a single mom with two children and very few employable skills, but is willing to work hard and is a quick learner. Rose had assured you that the necessary background checks would be done and the paperwork sent over to the work place. You know you need to approach Rose. For consideration: Assess the conflict using the models from the course. What Conflict Styles approach do you suspect the parties prefer? What strategies might be helpful? How would you proceed? Use the Checks (page 24) or the Resolution Process (page 25) to help you. ______________________________________________________________________________

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Positions and Interests Case Study: Sal, Who Takes Up Space You’re tired of the way your attention-loving colleague, Sal takes over the office. Whether it’s taking over a meeting, talking loudly on the phone or spreading his photocopying job all over the photocopy room, Sal dominates the environment. Sal will sporadically do massive jobs of 1,000 pages (he creates booklets for his presentations). You, on the other hand, have meetings with high profile clients. You and the clients create a document together and you send it to the printer. You leave your important clients – who have very busy schedules – to dash to the photocopying room only to find one of Sal’s massive print jobs has taken over the printer. Your printer’s interrupt function isn’t working, so you have to wait until the print job is done before you get your document, all the while your client is waiting in the meeting room. In your opinion, there are lots of solutions to the problem, the simplest of which is that Sal should just do his big jobs at the end of the day when it won’t annoy the rest of the office. But that’s just the beginning. When you hold a meeting, it seems as though Sal’s goal is to talk more than anyone else at meetings so he can be noticed by whoever is present. What you notice is how annoying this is. You ask for others to share, you ask him to wait until others have spoken, you even cut him off sometimes, but he keeps on jumping in. You know you need to talk to him about it, alone, one-on-one, because nothing you’re doing in the group is working. Finally, he’s just plain loud. This has become particularly bad since your office went “open concept” – and of course they plunked you right next to Sal. He is so loud at times – especially when he’s talking to his manufacturing clients – that you can’t think. Occasionally, you can’t even hear the customer on the other line. You would have talked to him about all these things already, but you thought it was just his personality, so there was nothing you could do about it. But you’ve taken Conflict Resolution Skills and you recognize that, while it probably is to do with his personality, the two of you also haven’t found ways to work around his personality because you haven’t had a respectful conversation about it. You plan to try and apply the Interest Check, a tool you learned at the training, to see if the two of you can come up with creative solutions to the problem together.

1. What are three issues that you would like to address with Sal?

a. _____________________________

b. _____________________________

c. _____________________________


2. Concerning photocopy room use, what does Sal seem to want to do? ____________________________________ (We will assume this is his position.)

3. What, according to the case study, would you like Sal to do? _________________________________________________(This is your position.)

4. What are your interests? Fill out some of the lines below – whatever you know or can safely guess at based on the case study:

You want: ____________________________________________________________

You need: ____________________________________________________________

You are concerned about: _______________________________________________

You are afraid that: ____________________________________________________

You are hoping that: ___________________________________________________

5. What do you think Sal’s interests are? Fill out any of the lines below – whatever you know or

can guess at based on the case study: Perhaps Sal wants: ____________________________________________________

Perhaps Sal needs: ____________________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is concerned about: _________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is afraid that: ______________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is hoping that: _____________________________________________

What is a question you could ask Sal that might get Sal talking about his interests regarding the photocopying room? (This should be an interest-based question.)

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6. Write a question that gets everyone thinking about meeting each other’s interests. It can start like “What can we do so that we both…” ___________________________________________________________________________

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7. At meetings, what does Sal seem to want to do?

____________________________________ (We will assume this is his position for now.)

8. What, according to the case study, would you like Sal to do? (This is your position.) _______________________________________________________________________

9. What are your interests? Based on what you know about meetings, guess at what your interests might be. Remember that you don’t need to fill out every line.

You want: ____________________________________________________________

You need: ____________________________________________________________

You are concerned about: _______________________________________________

You are afraid that: ____________________________________________________

You are hoping that: ___________________________________________________

10. What do you think Sal’s interests are? Fill out any of the lines below – based what you know

about people or can guess at based on the case study. Shift judgment to curiosity, remembering that Sal’s behaviour makes sense in his eyes. Ask yourself, ”Why would a normal, reasonable person behave this way?”

Perhaps Sal wants: ____________________________________________________

Perhaps Sal needs: ____________________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is concerned about: _________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is afraid that: ______________________________________________

Perhaps Sal is hoping that: _____________________________________________

What is a question you could ask Sal that might get Sal to tell you his interests regarding meetings? You may have to start off with, “Sal, when you’re talking at meetings,

__________________________________________________?” (finish the question.)

11. Write a question that gets everyone thinking about meeting each other’s interests. It can start like “What can we do so that we both…” ___________________________________________________________________________

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12. If you have time, discuss the third issue with your partner.


APPENDIX: PREPARING FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

1. What type of conflict are you experiencing? Check all that apply. (See Page 6, Spheres of Conflict, for more information.)

� Intra-personal (within me) � Inter-personal (between me and another person) � Intra-group (between me and members of my group) � Inter-group (between me and members of another group) � Systemic (the culture around me creates the conflict)

Describe how you think the various levels you checked are part of the conflict. Which level needs the most attention? Which level can you influence more effectively?

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2. How far has your conflict escalated? Check all that apply. (See page 9, Conflict Escalation, for more information.)

� Problem solving � Personal antagonism � Issue multiplication � Triangulation � Polarization/hostility � Change in social structure

Describe how your conflict has escalated. How many issues and people have become involved? How polarized are the parties? Would it be helpful to have assistance in resolving this conflict?

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3. Think about whether there have been any potential misunderstandings. (See pages 11–12.) What possible roles have assumptions and misunderstandings played in this conflict?

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4. Would an Intention Check be useful? (See page 14.) Write your Intention Check opening here:

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5. What are the positions being held by each of the parties? (See page 17–19.)

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6. What are the possible interests of each of the parties? (See pages 20–21.)

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7. Do you see any common interests between each of the parties?

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8. What conflict resolution style preference does each person seem to have? (See page 22.)

• Drop it • Later • Now

How is this affecting the conflict? What can you do to work with the style differences?

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APPENDIX: WHEN RESOLUTION IS NOT REACHED

Most of the time, conflicts are able to be resolved at the resolution process level using the skills and strategies that have been covered in this manual and workshop. However, there are times when, even with the best intentions, agreement or resolution cannot be reached. In these situations, it is tempting to give up. This is the time when it is important to consider mediation as a possible solution. What is mediation? The mediation process is a way for people in conflict to explore and resolve issues with the help of an impartial third party. A mediator’s role is to listen to all sides, facilitate discussion, clarify issues and assist disputing parties in reaching mutually agreeable solutions. A key feature to the mediation process is that the mediator is a neutral facilitator and can focus on the interaction between disputants, facilitating understanding and dialogue without being seen as taking sides. Mediations can be considered when:

• Problem solving has been attempted by both parties. • Parties are not talking with each other. • One or both parties need help in communicating their interests. • Relationships are important to both parties. • Neither side wants to litigate (seek legal assistance).

Mediation is more effective when:

• The disputants have a history of cooperation and successful problem solving. • The disputants do not have a long history of adversarial relations. • Hostility and anger towards each other is not extremely high. • The disputants have an ongoing relationship. • The desire for settlement and conclusion to issues is high. • The disputants both agree to the help of a third party. • There is external pressure to resolve the issue (time, pressure from

boss, etc.) • The disputants want to keep their costs lower.


APPENDIX: BELIEFS AND ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT CONFLICT Everyone has different experiences and views of conflict based on their unique values, history and personality. As such, it is vital for you to reflect on how your beliefs about conflict affect any disagreement you may find yourself in. Below are some of the beliefs that will influence how you respond to conflict.

Agree Disagree Unsure

1. People with power frequently win.

2. Conflict is bad.

3. It’s best to protect relationships with people, even at personal cost.

4. Women are more reasonable in conflicts.

5. I have little influence on how conflicts will turn out.

6. Disagreements make me nervous

7. It’s best to enter any conflict with low expectations.

8. Younger people are harder to deal with in a conflict.

9. People have the best solutions within themselves.


RESOURCES Adler, R. B., Rosenfeld, L. B., & Proctor, R. F. (2014). Interplay: The process of interpersonal

communication (13th ed.). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Barash, D. P., & Webel, C. P. (2013). Peace and conflict studies (3rd ed). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Coleman, P. T., Deutsch, M., & Marcus, E. C. (2014). The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Eddy, W. A. (2003). High conflict personalities: Understanding and resolving their costly disputes. San Diego, CA: William A. Eddy.

Folger, J. P., Poole, M. S., & Stutman, R. K. (2013). Working through conflict: Strategies for relationships, groups, and organizations (7th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.

Gallagh, R.S. (2009). How to tell Anyone Anything. Saranac Lake, NY: Amacom.

Hasselt, V.B., & Hersen, M. (2000). Aggression and violence: An introductory text (2nd ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2011). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high (2nd ed.). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Rosenberg, M.B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press.

Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Penguin.

Thompson, G.J., & Jenkin, J.B. (2004) Verbal judo: The gentle art of persuasion (Rev. ed.). New York, NY: Harper-Collins.

William, U. (1991). Getting past no: Negotiating with difficult people. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Wilmot, W. W., & Hocker, J. L. (2013). Interpersonal conflict (9th ed.). Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill.

Web Resources www.adric.ca (Alternative Dispute Resolution Institute of Canada) www.acrnet.org (Association for Conflict Resolution)

http://www.adric.ca/

http://www.acrnet.org/


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CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS - ACHIEVE · PDF fileCONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS Conflict holds great potential for harm and for good. The results of unhealthy conflict impact us individually