Communicating with your teenager: The art of editing

www.fatheringhacks.com

Communicating with your teenager: The art of editing


a 5-minute parenting hack


fromfatheringhacks.com


Peter Drucker* once said, "communication is what the listener

does"—or in other words, communication has only happened if the intended

recipient hears and understands the intended message.


Communication with a teenager is a minefield of misunderstanding at the best

of times.


When you need to get through to your teenager, your first goal is to maximise

the chance they will hear and understand you. Sometimes it's what you choose not to say that's as important as

what you do say.


Deliberately leaving out words that could distract, waylay or provoke unnecessary resistance from your teenager is called

editing.


Lots of things are best left unsaid, even when you are thinking or feeling them in the moment—let's start with the obvious.


Name calling“You idiot.”“You fool.”

“You moron.”



“You moron.”



“You moron.”



“You moron.”


Criticism“That dress makes your bum look big.”

“Your shirt is hanging out.”“That's a stupid thing to say.”











Character assassination“You're selfish!”

“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”

“You’re irresponsible!”


















Name calling, criticism and character assassination will provoke resistance

from any self-respecting teenager.


Name calling, criticism and character assassination will provoke resistance

from any self-respecting teenager.

When they hear it, they will put their energy into fighting the

insult rather than understanding your point of view.


Now let’s look at some common but more subtle communication blockers.


BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of

your teenager.



your teenager.

“You need to listen!”“You need to show some respect!”

“You need to grow up!”



your teenager.





your teenager.





your teenager.




Overstatement Over generalising or

exaggerating a problem.




“You are always on that IPad!”“You never help out around the house!”










Kitchen sinkingRaising irrelevant issues



“I don't understand how you can do your homework with the television on. And Big Brother is such a crappy show! How you can even bare to watch it is beyond me.”



“I don't understand how you can do your homework with the television on. And Big Brother is such a crappy show! How you can even bare to watch it is beyond me.”


Now that we know some of the things to be vigilant for, let’s give the internal

censor a bit of a work out.


"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”






"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”Please

your room now.


“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.


“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.


“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.I don't think that lipstick suits you.


“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like

the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just

don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”





OVERSTATEMENT





CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT






OVERSTATEMENT






OVERSTATEMENTKITCHENSINKING







OVERSTATEMENT







OVERSTATEMENT

...JUST PLAIN RUDE NOW.


“Excuse me Shane. I need to use the computer. Please finish-up your game in 5 minutes.”


Editing out words that could distract and provoke your teenager, will improve your communication no end, but as with lots of

things, it's easier said than done.


So here are three simple tips that might help.


1. Avoid tackling sensitive issues when you or your teenager are too

upset to be civil.


2. Watch out for the word "you"—what often follows is frequently attacking.


2. Watch out for the word "you"—what often follows is frequently attacking.

You are are often on safer ground starting sentences with "I"—owning your own feelings and point of view.


3. Just try to be nice—not easy to do when you are on the receiving end of

noxious behaviour, but a simple effort to be polite and kind will make a big

difference to your communication.


You need to forgive yourself on the occasions your mouth runs away

from you...


...but cultivating the inner censor will result in messages that are simpler,

polite, and more likely to be heard and understood by your teenager.


Whether they will agree, I am afraid, is another matter entirely...


Notes:*Peter Drucker

For a great interactive resource, see Raising Children Network’s Talking to Teens

Documents

Communicating with your teenager: The art of editing