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8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
1/9
Making friends is the easy part. Keeping friends is harder as it takes the willingness on both
sides to put some time and energy into it. OTOH, with more friends there's less need to put
all the friendship needs on one person--to burden that person with all the hopes, fears,
affections, desires for companionship, etc. earning that has impro!ed my friendship-making
ability. "rom a kid who had one or two close friends and e#pected total loyalty $and ga!e it%,
to an adult who does not e#pect from anyone what they're not willing to contribute, withoutundue strain on themsel!es-- was a huge step.
&'m officially senior now, being o!er (), and still making new friends. *ill they last+ &
ha!e no idea. fter all, at this age it's more *ill & last+ friend who's in my life for only a
year is better than no friend...as they mo!e or we mo!e or they marry someone who dislikes
me or my husband, or we ust change with age, that's OK. They were there when it worked
for both of us. My regrets are for the friends lost to my youthful certainty that & knew what
friends had to be, whether that worked for both or not....and my youthful inability to detect
the manipulators before things got difficult.
Most of my current friendships began after age forty--uite a few after age fifty--and afterage si#ty. They're not as intense as the unior high friends $long since dissol!ed% and &
wouldn't want them to be. They're comfortable.
/uly 0(, 1201 at 34)0 p.m.
Sad. There are SO many more choices than this article suggests.
Do what you love!
NOT what you think society, your family, or the lame people you call friends now
expect you to do.
Switch your o.
DON"T have a family if you don"t want one and #S$#%&'(() not if all you"re going
to do is complain that you missed the est *friendship+making* years of your life.
Travel. o outside.
Stop watching T- and getting fat.
s a ne!er-married-no-kids 5) year old guy who has li!ed in 02 states 6 5 countries, & can
attest to the challenges of forming 6 keeping friendships. cuaintances, easy. "riendships,
not so much.
7chool4 repetiti!e interactions w8ppl of the same age, suffering together through classroom
lectures 6 9:. ;onds form. 7ome outlast school< others don't. =inse 6 repeat thru college.
dulthood8first ob4 again, same-aged and usually like-minded people, working together,
confiding in each other $if & were the boss...%. >reams shared, plans made. Then...new obs.
Things drift.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=154http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=154http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=1548/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
2/9
Marriages begin4 wedding after wedding. ?ow there are pairs. nd still some singles.
9riorities shift.
@hildren4 9erhaps the most significant obstacle to maintaining or building friendships. Time
6 resources are de!oted to the kids, as is proper.
The odd-man out like me stands there as an e#ample of a different path. ?ot married. ?o
kids. Tra!els the world. Has time.
The secret4 it's no picnic trying to maintain friendships with your married-with-children
friends of yesteryear, esp. for peripatetics like me. :!en if in pro#imity, it's a challenge.
9arents don't ha!e time for you, especially with the daunting schedules set out for kids these
days $whate!er happened to ust going outside to play+ *hy so much structure+%. Aour
married friends worry about you and why you're not settled down yet.
?o more school. /obs change. =esponsibilities alter. "riends are definitely harder to find and
keep.
/uly 0), 1201 at )413 p.m.
=ecommended(
Seems that as we age people take one of two directions ++ they choose
friendships with people who have similar circumstances married, kids, urs,
etc./ or they want to feel a deeper connection regardless of their circumstances.
Depends on where you are in life and how open+minded you are. 0opefully as
lives change over time the circumstantial friendships will run their course and
people will e more open to meaningful ones.
(ove the whole package on friends. 1ay & add this2 0ow to e a friend3 4ocus
outward. 'sk 5uestions of the new people you are meeting that show you"re
interested in them, what they think, what they like to do, where they"ve een,
etc. That doesn"t mean you are eing nosy, ut showing genuine interest.
)ou can find a lot out aout someone with this style of conversation, including
whether they want to know aout you, too...
&sn"t it a turnoff when meeting someone new who ust talks aout
herself6himself2
7e often hear *There"s no friends like the old friends,* and while & remain
extremely close with my high school and college est+ies, &"ve also made a
couple of extremely close newer friends in grad school when & was in my late
89s/ and at my new o when & was in my mid :9s/. &n terms of emotional
support and physically eing there when & need help, they are true lue. & don"t
elieve you can"t make very close new friendships at 'N) age. ;ut, to make
good friends you need to ;# a good friend.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=97http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=97http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?comments#permid=978/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
3/9
This article descries my life and my picky middle+aged friend+making capacity
to a tee. ;ut & wonder how universal it is2 1y eulliently sociale mother
continued to make many new friends, including deeply loyal, ;44 confidantes,
and was open to new experiencesand relationships into her
8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
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& have work friends and oddly enough, one of my est work friends is completely
opposite me in terms of demographics. ;ut my husand and & oth have
demanding work hours so making new friends through hoies, etc, is very
difficult.
& think the main ostacle to new friendships is that everyone is so ;=S)
including me/. &n my youth, &"d go out every night after work and sociali@e, ut
that"s ust impossile now that &"m older, tired, and have a family!
& am a single, never+married, college+educated, employed woman, and ?A years
old. 1aking new friends was a crisis for me in my early to mid >9"s ecause
almost everyone & knew was getting married and & chose to stay in ;oston after
coming here for school. 't the age of >B, & egan to connect with social and
religious networks of my own faith and ecame a cog in and a creator of a
wonderful community that was then primarily single. Twenty+five years later
there is a network of proaly close to C9 of us, many of us still connectedregardless of our marital and family status.
%lose friendship is caring aout your friends and eing flexile to your friends"
needs ased on where they are in their lives, proactive in reaching out if you
want to find others to do things together and eing willing to take emotional
risks. )ou gain and you lose friends throughout your life. eep your door open
and pay attention to the people you like and care aout, whether a neighor or
colleague, and they often will continue to e part of your life.
*&f you want to find the right person, ;# the right person.*
Thayer, from ottom page one, has got it all wrong. &"ve always thought the
notion of "loyalty" was a it co+dependent. $eople have their own est interests
at heart and to personali@e inconsistent interactions as "disloyal" seems a it
harsh. ' good friend is one you can forgive and who forgives you and let"s you e
who you are, even if you don"t make it to each others :9th irthday party. 7hen
you place the responsiility of creating happiness upon the other person in the
relationship, you create an emotional det. )ou, not your spouse or friend,
should e responsile for making yourself satisfied and complete. 7hen you"re
whole, then you have enough to give to your friend or mate. The cup runneth
over.
Some folks feel that somehow its disloyal to have a life outside of your marriage.
&t doesnt mean that someone is devious if they have interests outside their
marriage. & would say that if anything, it enhances the marriage or the friendship
to have an identity of your own. 7hen people cease to grow, their relationships
ecome stagnant. Too much emphasis has een put upon the other to create a
sustaining element, rather than getting it from within.
8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
5/9
This article"s topic is poignant. 0owever, not only did & make some lasting onds
in my twenties, ut some of my closest onds were made ust efore & turned :9.
& was willing to depend on myself for the happiness. $eople don"t want the
emotional lackmail of feeling responsile for another"s sense of of self esteem.
7hile it"s true that we turn towards self+knowledge from self+exploration as we
age & think there"s another important factor the article doesn"t address3 at middle
age we have a etter understanding of how the world reacts to us.
't :9 we can more accurately assess our chances of snagging that $layoy
$laymate or the gorgeous illionaire at the cocktail party than we could in
college.
7hat seemed possile at >> seems ridiculous at 8B. Once we appreciate how
others perceive us we can avoid situations that are likely to waste our time and
end in disappointment.
The real downside is that we withdraw into ourselves ecoming our own worst
enemy. 7e defeat ourselves y not making the effort anymoreE we"ve lost the
thrill of possiility. 1aye that"s what getting old really means.
& find this article oddly comforting. &t explains my current situation ++ & have
friends ut not 4riends ++ and helps me to reconsider my expectations. &"m intouch with one friend from high school ++ via occasional 4; exchanges and once+
a+year ten+page letters. The friendships & developed in college and grad school
were mostly dysfunctional and wisely shed. $ost+college friends have come and
gone as we moved, married, had kids, changed os, changed churches6religious
communities, etc. & still pine for a ;44 and my husand does too/, ut & reali@e it
may not happen. & feel all the more grateful for my husand who is a great
husand, ut not a ;44 in that est+girlfriend sense/ and the close ac5uaintances
& have in the neighorhood, through my freelance/ work, and my ;uddhist
practice community. 'nd grateful for that A9+page+letter high school friend. 'nd
my sister!/
Dear swinging >9+*somethin*,
&"m 8> and & also have a lot of enthusiasm for many different activities. &"ve
always made friends easily. So & can understand your naivete while at the same
time experiencing exactly the phenomena this article discusses.
&magine you work :9 hours a week. & see you live in N)%, which means you will
have to work at some gainful occupation 'T (#'ST :9 hours a week to makerent.
8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
6/9
That means you leave for work at < am and get home around F389 ut hours
vary and commute times vary/. )ou have a couple hours efore going to ed
sleep ecomes increasingly relevant as we get older, hate to reak it to you/.
0ow to spend it2
& like to try to do yoga after work. & also like to see my husand and have dinner
with him and talk aout our days. & like to %OO that dinner. Sometimes & have to
uy groceries or get dry cleaning or get my hair cut or paint my toes. Sometimes
& clean the athroom or do laundry. & am caught up in a ook. Or & comment on
some silly article ecause & am still young enough to think that my opinion is
insanely interesting and relevant.
'nd we are at the moment childless. 7ait til i have to race home to daycare.
7ait til the teething starts, and having to find a sitter. 'nd the : year old is sick.
'nd & have to take G to allet and ) to the pediatrician.
for the moment, happy hour with *potential friends* is ackurner. 0aving a
twenty *somethin* 5uote the olden Hule to me is a it too much. (et"s talk
again in A9 years.
4riendship, like happiness, is a y+product. )ou meet people at work3 you are
doing something together3 the mutual struggle and the we hope/ mutual
fulfillment make you friends.
The idea that friendship, any more than happiness, can e pursued, is a myth +
sorry, 4ounding 4athers/.
So3 &f you are new in a place, find something to Do. et involved + in a church, a
worthwhile cause, a sport, whatever interests you enough so that you are willing
to spend time and effort. 'nd there will e a group of like+minded people3
potential friends. 'lso + lifelong friends are rare3 nothing lasts forever.
0ey, & feel like &"m in the same oat. 0undreds of *friends* on 4;, hundreds of
followers on a log and Twitter. 1eaningless.
& think 'merican life encourages friendship making and discourages its
continuance. 7e are on a track of hitting life plans and goals which collides right
into caring for other people. 'nd when we fail, in personal or professional
achievement, we go right ack into our cocoons. &t is hard for me, right now, to
want to *hang out* or get coffee when & have no o, no money, and nothing to
say for how & spend my day.
#xcept to say, that & spend much of my day with my friends, on 4aceook.
8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
7/9
4ind some people to meet with f>f. ;ook group, hiking, music, whatever, ust go
there. & don"t have much money, either, ut there is a lot of stuff for free at
liraries if they"re not closed due to defunding, that is/. & do a lot of volunteering
and have made some real friends that way. &t takes time ++ you have to care
aout what you"re doing and not ust cruise these places looking for friends ++ ut
when people care aout the same things, it tends to seep into social life.
What does BFF mean?
I am 63 and found it hard to relate to this article.
I do not have a Facebook page and dont belong to social networking
sites.
!" life is full# I have as man" real friends $ vs. ac%uaintances& as I want.
'hat is about ( or 3. I read# stud" languages# love m" work $private#
solo practice of osteopathic medicine and have lived with the same
man for () "ears.
I *ust signed up for a two "ear course in endobiogen" so I am deep in
the stud" of endocrinolog" and neurolog". When I finish I will be 6+.
I do feel lonel" some times but when I center m"self I again feel fine.
'hat being said# I understand that things do change as we get older.
!an" childhood friends have disappeared but wh" expect things to
remain as the" were? 'hat is a recipe for disaster.
Find out what "our new life as a new person has to offer.
,ou are no longer (- so dont expect the world to respond to "ou as
such.
&t seems that work is the est place to meet people and find areas of
compatiiltiy.
7hat seems like fun is finding out all the interesting individual interests and
hoies that everyone has. 7here & work in the field of science, ' main topic of
interest amoung my friends and co+workers is the whole =4O phenomenon.
7eEll all go out after work for dinner once every few months and discuss whats
happening in the world of =4O sightings, oth current and past. ;ut what & found
extremely interesting was that amoung this small group at work that often get
together, we all seem to have had strange paranormal experiances in the past.
These paranormal experiances are not confined to =4Os ut run the full
spectrum of the paranoral . Our group personality is very similar too. 7e all
8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
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8/13/2019 Comment Faire Des Amis
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ecause & wasn"t offering enough as a potential friend. Once & figured out what &
needed to work on and ecame a much happier person, my social life started to
loom.