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My Comedy Bang! Bang! spec is obviously filled with dialogue that wouldn't be in the show (as much of it is improvised and I invented guests), but I thought it was worth including some of that anyway.
Citation preview
COMEDY BANG! BANG!
"Mr. Kibbens Wears a Red Collar and a Nametag"
written by
Valerie Bryant
FIRST DRAFT
[email protected] 08 12, 2013
INT. SCOTT’S HOUSE (BEDROOM) - DAY
REGGIE AND SCOTT ARE HANGING OUT AT SCOTT’S HOUSE WITH HIS DOG, ROCKY. ROCKY IS CHEWING ON A TOY AND REGGIE AND SCOTT ARE WATCHING HIM, ENAMOURED.
SCOTT
I think he likes his toy almost as
much as he likes me.
REGGIE AND SCOTT LAUGH.
SCOTT (CONT’D)(cute voice, speaking for Rocky)
Don’t be insecure, papa, it’s not a
good look on you.
REGGIE
Whoa, he is one vicious dog.
THEY LAUGH.
SCOTT(cute voice, speaking for Rocky)
I may be vicious, but at least I’m
cute.
REGGIE(shrill voice, speaking for Rocky)
I’m beauty AND the beast.
SCOTT LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE, THEN SERIOUS.
SCOTT
That’s not Rocky’s voice.
REGGIE
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought...
SCOTT
It’s okay.
SCOTT (CONT’D)(cute voice, speaking for Rocky)
Well, I don’t forgive him. He thinks
I’m a troll living under a bridge.
REGGIE(cute voice, speaking for Rocky)
But I’ll forgive you if you give me
treats.
SCOTT FLINCHES AND LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE AGAIN.
SCOTT
Rocky really doesn’t care for treats.
He likes chew toys and balls -
REGGIE
Balls? Way to go, Rocky.
SCOTT
Please don’t be gross.
REGGIE
Sorry.
THEY SIT IN SILENCE.
SCOTT
We’d better just go do the show.
SCOTT STARTS TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM.
REGGIE
I’m really sorry, Scott.
SCOTT TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND LOUDLY EXHALES.
"Epidode Title" 2.
SCOTT
Okay.
SCOTT LOOKS ANNOYED AS HE GIVES REGGIE A CLOSED-MOUTH SMILE. REGGIE BOWS HIS HEAD IN SHAME AND FOLLOWS SCOTT OUT OF THE ROOM.
THE THEME SONG PLAYS. THE GUESTS ARE “COMEDIAN GRAHAM CRACKER” AND “ASTRONAUT PEDOPHILE CHRIS”. THE SEGMENT FEATURED IS “IT REALLY MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN’T IT?”.
INT. MAIN SET SCOTT SITS ON HIS CHAIR
SCOTT
Hello everyone and welcome to Comedy
Bang Bang. I’m your host Scott
Aukerman.
“Help Sendsomeone” appears on the screen.
SCOTT LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE AND AFRAID BUT FORCES A SMILE. A MAN ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE STARES ANGRILY AT SCOTT AND MIMES CUTTING HIS THROAT, THEN RETHINKS IT AND POINTS HIS FINGER AT SCOTT AND SLITS THE THROAT OF THE AIR IN FRONT OF HIM.
SCOTT SEES HIM AND GULPS.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
Reggie Watts, our bandleader, hello.
REGGIE
Hi, I’m Reggie.
SCOTT
How’s your day going?
REGGIE
None of your business, and yours?
"Epidode Title" 3.
SCOTT
Not so great, Reggie. My wife left
me.
AUDIENCE SCOTT(O.C.)
My wiiiife.
WE SEE SCOTT SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE ALONE, ENJOYING HIMSELF.
SCOTT
Get him out of here.
AUDIENCE SCOTT IS DRAGGED OUT BY SECURITY GUARD REGGIE AS REGULAR REGGIE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
Well, let’s get on with the show. Our
first guest -
SCOTT NOTICES REGGIE SITTING ON A STEP BY HIS KEYBOARD WITH HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, LOOKING SAD. SCOTT WALKS OVER TO HIM AND TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO HIM.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
Reggie, what’s wrong?
REGGIE
I’m just sad.
SCOTT
What happened?
REGGIE
Ever since your wife left you, I
just...I just...
SCOTT
What is it, Regg?
"Epidode Title" 4.
REGGIE
I’m just so disappointed in you.
SCOTT
Oh.
REGGIE
Just when I’d finally convinced myself
you weren’t a loser. It sucks, you
know?
SCOTT FROWNS, THEN STANDS UP HAPPILY.
SCOTT
You know what else sucks? Our first
guest on opposite day. Please welcome
comedian Graham Cracker.
GRAHAM CRACKER WALKS OUT AND WAVES, SCOTT WALKS OVER AND SHAKES HIS HAND. GRAHAM CRACKER PRETENDS IT HURTS, THEN LAUGHS. SCOTT SEEMS WORRIED, THEN RELIEVED, AND LAUGHS.
THEY BOTH SIT DOWN.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
This is our first time meeting, is it
not?
GRAHAM CRACKER
It is.
SCOTT
Great. Now that that’s out of the
way, do you think I’m better looking
in person or on tv?
GRAHAM CRACKER
In person, definitely.
"Epidode Title" 5.
SCOTT
Good. Thank-you.
SCOTT SITS HAPPILY IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
Do you have the time?
GRAHAM CRACKER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
GRAHAM CRACKER
It’s 10 minutes after 7.
SCOTT(worried)
Oh no, I have an interview to do.
SCOTT VISIBLY RELAXES.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
So how long have you been doing
comedy?
GRAHAM CRACKER
Well, I was always the class clown.
SCOTT
Doesn’t count.
GRAHAM CRACKER
Okay, then not very long.
SCOTT
That’s interesting. Now what time is
it?
GRAHAM CRACKER
Ummm...
SCOTT
I’m bored, let’s go to commercial.
"Epidode Title" 6.
THE COMMERCIAL WE’LL SEE IS FILMED LIKE AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A NETWORK DRAMA YOU’D SEE BEFORE THE TRAILERS PLAY AT THE MOVIE THEATER.
MOVIE REELS UNRAVEL AND WE SEE VARIOUS CLIPS FROM THE TV SHOW WE’LL HEAR ABOUT. ONE CLIP SHOWS SCOTT CREEPING TO LOOK INTO A CUPBOARD, THEN A CAT JUMPING OUT. SCOTT LOOKS SCARED, THEN LAUGHS AND LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA AS IF TO SAY “EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY”. ONE CLIP SHOWS SCOTT AND REGGIE YELLING AND WAVING THEIR ARMS AT ONE ANOTHER. ONE CLIP SHOWS SCOTT CROUCHED DOWN AND LITERALLY PIECING TOGETHER A PUZZLE. ONE CLIP FEATURES SCOTT BITING OPEN A CORDIAL CHERRY AND GETTING THE JUICE ON HIS FACE WHILE LOOKING CONCERNED.
“SNEAK PEAK” IS WRITTEN ON THE SCREEN.
ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
Now for a sneak peak at DNT’s upcoming
series “Magic Eye”
WE SEE SCOTT SITTING DOWN, WEARING A BIG PEACOAT WITH A BIG SCARF.
“SCOTT AUKERMAN IS BENTON T. MAGICEYE” IS WRITTEN UNDERNEATH HIM ON THE SCREEN.
SCOTT(British)
In “Magic Eye” I play a detective
who’s somewhat unusual. I can see
exactly what occurred at a crime scene
by simply focusing my concentration on
the tip of my nose.
A CLIP FROM THE SHOW PLAYS:
BENTON T. MAGICEYE (SCOTT AUKERMAN) IS STANDING IN AN ALLEY WITH ROOKIE, HIS SIDEKICK (REGGIE WATTS). A WOMAN’S DEAD BODY LIES IN THE ALLEY. SHE HAS A VISIBLE GUNSHOT WOUND. BENTON’S EYES ARE CROSSED AND HIS MOUTH IS OPEN AS HE MOVES HIS HEAD FORWARD AND BACK. WE SEE A 3D FLOATING IMAGE OF A WOMAN BEING SHOT JUMPING OUT OF CRIME SCENE AT BENTON. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND UNCROSSES HIS EYES. HE TURNS TO HIS PARTNER.
"Epidode Title" 7.
BENTON
The girl was shot with a gun.
THE ROOKIE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAGREEMENT. A MAN IN A LAB COAT STEPS OUT INTO THE ALLEY.
LAB TECH(casually)
The lab results just came back. The
victim was shot.
ROOKIE LOOKS INCREDULOUS AND TURNS TO BENTON.
ROOKIE
How did you know that?
BENTON
It’s a gift.
BENTON TURNS TOWARD THE CAMERA, CROSSES HIS EYES, AND WINKS.
WE’RE BACK ON SET, BUT NOW WE’RE TALKING TO REGGIE WHO IS SITTING DOWN, WEARING A BIG PEACOAT WITH A BIG SCARF AND A NEWSBOY HAT.
“REGGIE WATTS IS HEDRICK ROOKIE”
REGGIE(British)
I play Detective Rookie who is
perplexed by Benton’s methods. Just
when I think I’ve finally got him all
figured out, I come to find myself
more confused than ever. It’s quite
brilliant really.
A CLIP FROM THE SHOW PLAYS:
BENTON AND ROOKIE ARE IN A MORGUE LOOKING OVER A DEAD BODY.
"Epidode Title" 8.
ROOKIE(yelling at Benton)
You have to tell me your methods!
Conventional or not, I’m your partn-
WE’RE BACK ON SET WITH SCOTT.
SCOTT(British)
But my character also has a dark side.
A CLIP FROM THE SHOW PLAYS:
CLOSE-UP ON BENTON’S FACE, EYES CROSSED.
BENTON
Someone touched her. They touched her
and they’re gonna pay.
WE PULL BACK AND THERE IS A STRIPPER STANDING IN FRONT OF BENTON.
STRIPPER
So pay me already.
BENTON
Oh god, I can’t believe I’m doing this
when I have a wife and kids.
ANNOUNCER(V.O.)
That was your sneak peak at “Magic
Eye”. Cross your eyes, hope to die.
INT. MAIN SET
SCOTT IS BACK ON THE COUCH.
SCOTT
Are you comfortable, Graham Cracker?
"Epidode Title" 9.
GRAHAM CRACKER
Yeah, thanks-
SCOTT
Shut-up. Now it’s time to check in
with our dating correspondent, Kristy
Kisses. Kristy...
WE’RE IN A PARKING LOT WITH KRISTY KISSES, WHO IS STANDING WITH A YOUNG WOMAN.
KRISTY KISSES
Thanks, Scott. I’m here with Taylor,
a lonely, single woman with nothing to
lose and everything to gain. Tell us
a bit about yourself, Taylor.
TAYLOR
I work at an animal shelter.
THE AUDIENCE AWWS.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
But I hate it. I’m going to school
full time to be a doctor...
AUDIENCE IS IMPRESSED.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
...Of music. I want to be a DJ. And
I love pizza.
AUDIENCE CHEERS.
"Epidode Title" 10.
KRISTY KISSES
Okay, Taylor, well I’m going to help
you find a man today using the
technique I’ve detailed in my book
“Date While You Drive: Love the Bumper
Stickers, Love the Man”.
KRISTY WALKS OVER TO A CAR IN THE PARKING LOT AND CHECKS OUT THE BUMPER STICKERS.
KRISTY KISSES (CONT’D)
Is anything here standing out to you
as a green light or a red flag?
WE SEE THE BACK OF THE CAR HAS A DARWIN FISH, PEACE SYMBOL, GREEN ENERGY STICKER, IMPEACH BUSH STICKER.
TAYLOR
Well, the bumper stickers need to be
updated. Aside from that, just..
Boring. Can I say that? Do I sound
awful?
KRISTY KISSES
Hey, there are plenty of cars in the
lot. Let’s just move on.
WE SEE THE NEXT CAR. IT HAS A METALLIC OVERWEIGHT LADY SILHOUETTE WITH A CIRCLE AROUND IT AND A LINE THROUGH IT, AN AMERICAN BALD EAGLE, A “RED, WHITE, AND BLUE ARE MY PRIMARY COLORS” STICKER, AND A QUARTER MACHINE BUTTERFLY STICKER.
TAYLOR
Well, he knows what he wants. But the
butterfly is a little gay, right?
THEY MOVE DOWN TO THE NEXT CAR. IT HAS A “LOST YOUR KID, CHECK MY TIRES” BUMPER STICKER. IT HAS A PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE THAT READS “NAZILVR”.
"Epidode Title" 11.
THERE’S ALSO BLOOD ON THE BUMPER AND LONG HAIR COMING OUT OF THE TRUNK, AND A STICKER THAT READS “MY OTHER CAR IS FANCY”.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
I really like the license plate. I
love a guy with a sense of humor and
I’m pretty sure that’s a Seinfeld
reference.
KRISTY KISSES
Is this your man?
TAYLOR
He’s my man!
KRISTY KISSES
Okay, now we wait it out. Oh, looks
like we won’t have to wait for long.
I think this is him.
A SKINHEAD WALKS UP AND GETS INTO THE GREEN ENERGY CAR.
THE WOMEN ARE DISAPPOINTED.
A SWEET-LOOKING OLD WOMAN WALKS UP AND STARTS PUTTING HER KEY IN THE DOOR OF THE NAZI CAR.
TAYLOR
Just my luck.
KRISTY KISSES
Aw, well, there’s plenty of cars in
the lot.
TAYLOR
I know, you said that.
KRISTY KISSES
But wait, look.
"Epidode Title" 12.
THE KEY DOESN’T WORK FOR THE OLD WOMAN AND SHE WALKS AWAY EMBARRASSED. SCOTT AUKERMAN WALKS UP TO THE CAR HOLDING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET.
TAYLOR(impressed)
You’re “NAZILVR”?
SCOTT WINKS AT HER, PUTS ON HIS HELMET, GETS IN THE CAR AND SPEEDS OFF.
KRISTY KISSES
Okay. Back to you, Scott.
INT. MAIN SET
SCOTT
Thanks, Kristy. Let’s go to a
commercial.
INT. SCOTT’S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
SCOTT AND REGGIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER UNDER BLANKETS. THERE’S A BIG BOWL OF POPCORN IN BETWEEN THEM. THEY’RE WATCHING A MOVIE ON TV. IT’S A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT’S FROM THE FIFTIES. THE SCENES WE SEE HAPPEN INSIDE OF A MALT SHOPPE AND ARE REMINISCENT OF HAPPY DAYS.
REGGIE
He’s the killer.
SCOTT
What?
REGGIE
He’d acting all innocent so he’s the
killer.
SCOTT
This movie is just a slice of life
look at the simple days of the 1950s.
There’s no killer.
"Epidode Title" 13.
REGGIE
Okay.
A MOMENT PASSES.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
Whoa, did you see that?
SCOTT
What?
REGGIE
He gave Sally a milkshake.
SCOTT
Yeah, he runs a malt shoppe.
REGGIE
Or does he? I think this malt shoppe
is just a front and he’s selling drugs
and giving them to the kids inside
these shakes.
SCOTT
Can we please just watch the movie?
REGGIE
Fine.
REGGIE SITS STILL WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE, SILENTLY GIGGLING.
45 MINUTES LATER.
WE’RE WATCHING THE MOVIE:
MALT SHOPPE OWNER
My malt shoppe was the perfect front
for selling drugs to you kids.
"Epidode Title" 14.
(MORE)
And also for the murders I committed.
How did you catch me?
TEEN
When you gave Sally a milkshake, we
knew something was up because Sally is
lactose intolerant.
MALT SHOPPE OWNER
My plan: foiled. My empire:
destroyed. My face: red.
WE’RE BACK ON THE COUCH WITH SCOTT AND REGGIE.
REGGIE IS SMILING, SATISFIED, WHILE SCOTT SEEMS ANNOYED.
SCOTT
Good job, Reggie. You were right all
along.
REGGIE
Yep, guessed it.
A BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF THE WORDS “BUT AT WHAT COST?” FILLS THE SCREEN.
INT. MAIN SET
SCOTT
Our next guest is here to bring the
funk. Please welcome Astronaut
Pedophile Chris.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS COMES OUT WEARING A SPACE SUIT. HE PRETENDS TO JUMP IN SLOW MOTION. HE AND SCOTT SHAKE HANDS AND THEN PEDOPHILE CHRIS DOES THE MOONWALK TO HIS SEAT.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Thanks for having me, Scott.
"Epidode Title" 15.
MALT SHOPPE OWNER (CONT'D)
SCOTT
You’re welcome. That’s an interesting
nickname you have. Where does it come
from?
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
I don’t know, I’ve just always had it.
Maybe not always, but probably since I
legally became an adult.
SCOTT
Fascinating. Has that name ever
gotten you in trouble?
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Why would it?
SCOTT
Well, pedophiles aren’t exactly well-
liked.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Oh, I thought you meant “Chris”. I
was like, “huh?”. Oh yeah, yeah, my
name gets me in trouble all the time.
SCOTT
Have any good stories?
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
In general or the name thing?
SCOTT
The name thing.
"Epidode Title" 16.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Well, I’ve heard that I should be
called “Book Club Chris” or “Cart
Wrangler Chris”, but I think this name
suits me just fine.
REGGIE
Why Cart Wrangler Chris?
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Because that’s my job. I wrangle
carts at Costco.
SCOTT
I thought you were an astronaut.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
No, that’s just a nickname.
SCOTT
Oh.
PEDOPHILE CHRIS
Yep.
SCOTT
Well, it’s time once again for the
segment “It really makes you think,
doesn’t it?”
SCOTT WALKS OVER TO THE NEXT STAGE AND STANDS IN FRONT OF A LANDSCAPE BACKGROUND WITH A WATERFALL AND BIRDS FLYING BY.
SCOTT STANDS ALONE AND TALKS DIRECTLY TO THE AT HOME AUDIENCE.
"Epidode Title" 17.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
As I mentioned earlier, my wife left
me today.
SCOTT BRACES HIMSELF FOR THE WORDS TO ECHO, BUT THEY NEVER COME. HE IS RELIEVED AND SADDENED AT THE SAME TIME.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
And the first thing I did after she
walked out the door was pick-up my
cell phone and dial her number. I
needed my wife’s advice on how to get
my wife back. It really makes you
think, doesn’t it?
SCOTT LOOKS DOWN, AS THOUGH HE’S THINKING.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
And if we’re all here just looking for
our other half, then can we ever
really be whole? And if our other
half is our better half, then together
are we only two-thirds or three-
fourths? It really makes you think,
doesn’t it?
SCOTT IS HAVING A BIGGER EPIPHANY NOW AND IS GAINING CONFIDENCE.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
But what can we do but follow our
hearts?
"Epidode Title" 18.
(MORE)
Neurologists say we do all of our
cognitive reasoning with our brain
and, if that’s true, well, it really
makes you think, doesn’t it?
SCOTT STARTS TO WALK AWAY, BUT HE’S PULLED IN ANOTHER DIRECTION WHEN A MAN GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND, COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HIS HAND, AND PUTS A BLACK SACK OVER HIS HEAD.
INT. VAN - SAME DAY
THE BAG IS REMOVED FROM SCOTT’S HEAD AND HE’S IN THE BACK OF A VAN WITH THE CREEP FROM EARLIER.
SCOTT GASPS FOR AIR.
CREEP
I saw you signal for help. Very
clever, Mr. Aukerman.
SCOTT CRIES OUT.
SCOTT(whining)
Thank-you.
CREEP
But nobody’s coming for you, kid. To
them you’re just another pretty face.
SCOTT CRIES OUT.
SCOTT(whining)
You’re too kind.
CREEP
How’d you like to be in showbiz, kid?
SCOTT STOPS CRYING.
"Epidode Title" 19.
SCOTT (CONT’D)
SCOTT
Me? Do you really think I’ve got the
goods?
CREEP
Oh, you’ve got ‘em. Just come with me
and you’ll be a star.
SCOTT
Do you really think I could be the
star of my own tv show?
CREEP
Well, look, I didn’t say-
SCOTT
Take me! I’m yours!
THE CREEP RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER DIABOLICALLY.
EXT. STREET - DAY
THE VAN DRIVES AWAY AND WE SEE A TV ON THE STREET SHOWING SCOTT’S FACE ON THE NEWS.
NEWS ANCHOR
Local funnyman isn’t laughing now that
he’s missing, not the punchline, but
for real.
SOMEONE COMES BY AND PLASTERS A MISSING PERSON’S POSTER WITH SCOTT’S FACE ON IT ON THE TV. IT SAYS “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON? CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT”.
WE PAN OUT AND SEE THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD IS JUST A SMALL PART OF A FLY’S EYE. WE PAN OUT MORE AND SEE SCOTT SMUSH THE FLY WITH A FLYSWATTER.
INT. MAIN SET
HE’S STANDING IN FRONT OF THE LANDSCAPE BACKGROUND AGAIN.
"Epidode Title" 20.
SCOTT
It really makes you...
SCOTT LOOKS SERIOUS, THEN BOWS HIS HEAD AND TURNS TO WALK AWAY, AS IF TO SAY “YOU KNOW THE REST”.
"Epidode Title" 21.
