Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships Ephesians 5:22-33 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband

Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife RelationshipsEphesians 5:22-33

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.* 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”* 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Eph 5:22-33

Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships

The relationship between husband & wife is modeled after the relationship between the Bridegroom (Christ) and His bride (Church)

Behaviors of the Husband:

• Look to the Bridegroom who washes her with the Word

1. Love her2. Sacrifice for her3. Listen to her4. Take care of her5. Be empathic (walk in

her shoes)•Be sensitive

to her needs•Be sensitive

to her hurts

Behaviors of the Wife:

• Look to the chosen bride

1. Respect2. Acknowledge the

headship3. Respond to his

leadership4. Listen to him5. Praise him6. Be unified in purpose

& will7. True helper

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs,

that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

Basic Communications

SOUL

SELF-DISCLOSURE

SOUL

UNDERSTANDINGFeelings

Desires

Thoughts

SPEAKER LISTENER

Attentive

Responsive

The “Great Rip Off”The “Great Rip Off”

John 1:1-3 (NKJV)John 1:1-3 (NKJV)

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All

things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was

made that was made.

Effectiveness Inventory

*Effectiveness InventoryCircle the best answer (“True” or “False”) for each of the statements below continuing to the next page.

9

1 I feel criticized by my spouse. TRUE FALSE

2 When I share my feelings with my spouse, I feel understood and supported

TRUE FALSE

3 I feel that my spouse does not listen to me TRUE FALSE

4 My spouse shares his or her insecurities with me. TRUE FALSE

5 I would rather tell a small lie than get into an argument

TRUE FALSE

6 I feel refreshed when I have time alone with my spouse.

TRUE FALSE

7 My spouse finishes my sentences for me. TRUE FALSE

8 We are generally able to work through disagreements without much trouble

TRUE FALSE

9 It is not easy for me to share my feelings with my spouse.

TRUE FALSE

10

I feel respected by my spouse. TRUE FALSE

11

When I bring up a problem with my spouse, he or she often turns it around on me.

TRUE FALSE

12

I feel appreciated. TRUE FALSE

13

We don’t agree very often. TRUE FALSE

14

We enjoy going out on dates alone. TRUE FALSE

15

I feel that my spouse does not give me credit for much.

TRUE FALSE

16

I feel loved. TRUE FALSE

17

My spouse does not like to share what is on his or her mind.

TRUE FALSE

18

My spouse understands me. TRUE FALSE

19

We tend to have unresolved disagreements. TRUE FALSE

20

We have effective communications. TRUE FALSE

*Effectiveness Inventory taken from Fortified Marriages , “How to Build & Maintain a Strong Marriage & Family” by Chris Gardner (2006, p. 91 & 92)


10

1 I feel criticized by my spouse. TRUE FALSE

2 When I share my feelings with my spouse, I feel understood and supported

TRUE FALSE

3 I feel that my spouse does not listen to me TRUE FALSE

4 My spouse shares his or her insecurities with me. TRUE FALSE

5 I would rather tell a small lie than get into an argument

TRUE FALSE

6 I feel refreshed when I have time alone with my spouse.

TRUE FALSE

7 My spouse finishes my sentences for me. TRUE FALSE

8 We are generally able to work through disagreements without much trouble

TRUE FALSE

9 It is not easy for me to share my feelings with my spouse.

TRUE FALSE

10

I feel respected by my spouse. TRUE FALSE

11

When I bring up a problem with my spouse, he or she often turns it around on me.

TRUE FALSE

12

I feel appreciated. TRUE FALSE

13

We don’t agree very often. TRUE FALSE

14

We enjoy going out on dates alone. TRUE FALSE

15

I feel that my spouse does not give me credit for much.

TRUE FALSE

16

I feel loved. TRUE FALSE

17

My spouse does not like to share what is on his or her mind.

TRUE FALSE

18

My spouse understands me. TRUE FALSE

19

We tend to have unresolved disagreements. TRUE FALSE

20

We have effective communications. TRUE FALSE



11

Count the odd numbered questions you answered “False” and enter the total here: ____

Count the even numbered questions you answered “True and enter the total here: ____

Add the scores and enter total here: ____

Scoring: 30-40: Your communication is excellent; keep it up!

20-29: Your communication is good; continue to work at it.

10-19: Your communication needs work; you may want to do further study

<10: You should seek out a counselor to help you learn some basic communication skills.

The purpose of this inventory is to give ou an idea about where your communication skills are presently. Communication is a learned skill; you can improve. Please do not use this inventory to attack your spouse for his or her poor communication habits. Excellent communication takes two strong communicators. Poor communication takes two poor communicators. Your score depends on the two of you and the two of you will be able to improve it.


5 Lessons for Biblical Communications You can’t fake it (if it’s not

there) Your words aren’t enough! Control your anger Common violations of

Biblical Communications in Marriage

Make every effort to maintain unity of the Spirit

You can’t fake it (if it’s not there)

Harvey & PricillaHarvey & Pricilla

SOUL

SELF-DISCLOSURE

SOUL

UNDERSTANDINGFeelings

Desires

Thoughts

SPEAKER LISTENER

Attentive

Responsive

Your words aren’t enough!

Choose the Right Words

•Matthew 12:36-37•Ephesians 4:29•Justify or Condemn

Use appropriate Tone of Voice

•Proverbs 15:1

Use appropriate Non-Verbal

•Isaiah 3:9•Facial, eye, touch

Control your angerBlowing up (Ventilation)Sinful expressions: yelling, name-calling,

profanity, malicious words, disrespect, false accusations, throwing, hitting & kicking things and/or people

Clamming up (Internalization)Sinful expressions: sulking,

pouting, walking away (or “going for a drive”), with no explanation, refusal to discuss it any further, retreating to favorite pastime (TV, Computer, golfing, work, etc…) rather than address the problem

Control your anger

Anger is designed to destroy something

Blowing up destroys othersClamming up destroys self

God wants us to destroy the PROBLEM! (twofold)

1.Throw the dart at the real problem

2.Release your anger under the control of the Holy Spirit

11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage

1. Interruption (Filter)

2. Inattentiveness (Fog)

Interruption violates scriptural principles:

James 1:19 –

…be quick to hear, slow to speak & slow to anger

You are in error when you answer a matter before you hear it

Proverbs 18:13 -

…He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly & shame to him.

Don’t be inconsiderate! Let your spouse finish what he/she is saying

Proverbs 18:2-

“fools finds no pleasure in

understanding, but delights in airing his

own opinions”

A)Pre-occupied & Distracted by “more important things”

B)Tuning Out

“Lights are on but nobody is home…”

Pay attention to what your spouse is saying!


3. Judging Motives

4. Not Communicating Willingly

What’s wrong with these statements?

You only said that because you want me to feel guilty

The reason you’re being nice to me is so I’ll …

Problem: presuppose an evil motive…basically

slamming the gavel down and pronouncing a guilty

sentence

1 Corinthians 4:5 –

…”do not pass judgment before time, wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the

things hidden in the darkness & disclose the motives of

hearts…”

AKA being passive rather than active in communication process

This is not keeping with God’s design for the marital relationship.

11 Common violations of Biblical Communications in Marriage5. Sweeping

Generalizations

6. Blame Shifting

What’s wrong with these statements:

You never listen to meYou’re always criticizing everything I doYou’re the worst housekeeper I’ve ever known

Fabrications… In other words… Lies!!!

Eph 4:25-25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the

same body.

This is not new to mankind…it has been going on since the Garden of Eden

“the woman you gave me…” (Gen 3:12)

Pride…

not only blinds us to our own sin, it also looks for

others to blame

“take the log out of your own eye…” Matthew (7:5)


7. Apologizing rather than asking for forgiveness

Very essential to communications…

What does it mean to forgive?

a.PromiseIsa 43:25-“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins.”

i. Do not bring up the offense to your spouse

ii.Do not discuss the forgiven offense with others

iii.Do not dwell on the forgiven offense instead remind yourself that you already forgave (just as Christ has done for you)

5 Step Approach

1. Acknowledge your wrong doing (I was wrong for…”)

2. Identify the wrong by its biblical name (ex. “that

was selfish & inconsiderate of “)

3. Acknowledge the harm your offense caused (ex. I am sorry I hurt & rejected you)

4. Identify an alternative biblical

behavior to demonstrate

repentance (this communicates a true

change)

4. Ex: I should have turned off the TV when you first told me you felt overwhelmed…

5. Ask for forgiveness (will you forgive me?)

God doesn’t hold offense against God doesn’t hold offense against us…why should we?us…why should we?


8. Digging Up (Exhumation)

If you have overlooked a transgression &/or covered it in loved, than don’t hold it against them again

“Love takes no account for

wrong doings”1 Cor 13:5Keeping Score!Keeping Score!


9. Scolding10. Using

Put – Downsderived from

Greek = to snort with anger; Similar to barking or howling

Scolding is always expression of a bad spirit & loss of temper

“…there came a woman with an

alabaster vial of very costly perfume…why

has this perfume been wasted?...And they were scolding her”

(Mark 14:3-5)

• “can’t you do anything right”

• “You have got to be the most ungrateful person I have ever met”

• “I don’t see how you can call yourself anointed by God”

“Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth.

Say only what helps, each word a gift.” (Eph 4:29,

MSG)

11. Harshn

ess• What is the

cure to harshness?

• Mildness (meekness)

Mildness is a special fruit, and evidence of love. It is a notable means to remove offenses that might otherwise be taken from the many hurtful things which a husband does to his wife (or a wife does to her husband). Sugar and honey are not more pleasant to the tongue than mildness is to the heart.

It causes those things which are otherwise irksome to the soul, to be well received and applied—even as bitter pills dipped in sweet syrup, or rolled up in the soft pulp of an apple are soon swallowed down and digested. 9

9 William Gouge, Of Domestic Duties (London: W. Bladen, 1622), pp. 370–371

[paraphrased].

Maintain Unity of the Spirit

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond

of peace” (Eph. 4:3 NIV)

Documents

Christ & the Church Model Husband/Wife Relationships Ephesians 5:22-33 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband