By, Lori Petro B.S.Ed. Certified Parent Educator The Kid ......Children need unconditional love, support and emotional guidance as they learn to manage and understand their frustration,

By, Lori Petro B.S.Ed.

Certified Parent Educator

The Kid Whisperer

Copyright © 2011-2013 TEACH through Love. All rights reserved.

No part of this e-book may be copied, sold or reproduced

without express written permission of the author.

2

©2011-2013 TEACH through Love www.teach-through-love.com

Table of Contents

PART ONE

Introduction ……………………………………………

What is Conscious Parenting & Discipline ………..

Why Change? …………………………………………..

Goals for Parents & Teachers ……………………….

Shift Your Perspective ….…………………………….

Myths & Facts …...……………………………………..

PART TWO

Attachment & Attunement …………………………..

Brain Science & Child Development ………………..

Compassionate Communication ……………………..

Deep Listening ………………………………………….

Emotional Intelligence ………………………………...

Final Thoughts ………………………………………….

Get the TEACH Tool …………………………………..

Page 3

Page 4

Page 8

Page 9

Page 10

Page 18

Page 23

Page 26

Page 36

Page 38

Page 41

Page 45

Page 47

THANK YOU FOR READING AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

BY EMAILING ME OR POSTING ON THE FACEBOOK PAGE.

Choose Love!

mailto:[email protected]

3


Welcome to the ABC's of Conscious

Parenting & Education Thank you for signing up to receive this transformational e-book.

Conscious parenting and discipline is not a set of rules for adults to follow,

but a set of beliefs about children and what they need to develop and thrive.

I believe that children have the right to live free from physical punishment, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation

and without the fear caused by the use of shame, blame, judgment and guilt.

Practicing self-regulation, mindfulness and empathy are essential ingredients to building strong relationships

with children. This introductory report provides a foundational understanding of the conscious paradigm to support

you as you shift from using punitive discipline and fear to using compassion to teach through love.

If you'd like to know more about my online classes, seminars or speaking topics please

visit my website: www.teach-through-love.com.

My name is Lori Petro and I am the founder of TEACH through

Love, a children's advocacy organization and educational resource

for families, schools, and communities which I founded in 2002.

TEACH through Love promotes non-punitive, relationship-focused

discipline and encourages parents and teachers to refocus their

efforts on social-emotional development and engaging authentically

with children from a place of curiosity, compassion and

conscious awareness.

The ABC‘s of Conscious Parenting & Education is a comprehensive

overview of the core principles behind the conscious discipline

paradigm. The ideas expressed in this e-book, about the brain and

the parent-child or teacher-child relationship, are supported by the

latest research in neuroscience and human development and will

guide you toward raising caring, cooperative and confident kids!

http://www.teach-through-love.com/

4


What is Conscious Parenting & Discipline?

There are many names for different styles of discipline and

parenting and some may overlap in the general ideas about

discipline, talking to teens or infant-care while others have rigid

rules and regulations about what is appropriate or acceptable.

In essence, the conscious paradigm takes a relationship-

based view of parenting and discipline with a focus on

relationship building as the most effective path to influencing

children. It is a paradigm which does not compel or induce

behavior with:

critical evaluation or judgment

shame, blame or criticism

guilt or punitive measures

praise/reward systems

Conscious discipline has no use for punishment, unnatural or adult-imposed consequences, time-outs, rewards,

bribes or sticker charts or other devices which the traditional paradigm suggests that you need to get children to

”do as you say.” However, while the conscious philosophy does not focus on punitive actions, it also does not

mean – no limits.

Limits are essential. Connection is vital.

It is important that you find support when you are parenting or educating consciously because so few people

around you may be aware of how to relate to children in any other way but a dominant, authoritative manner.

It can be intimidating to be the only one in your community who is taking the time to listen, validate and connect

with a child’s experience. It takes time, patience, trust in the process, and the release of outdated ideas and

concepts about your role as Mom / Dad / Teacher or the presumed hierarchy of your family or school, before you

can truly experience a shift in your influence and notice a positive change in children’s behavior.

The information in this e-book is not meant for you to fully comprehend in one sitting nor is it a checklist of

strategies for you to memorize to get children to comply.

This is an introduction to a new way of thinking about parenting and discipline containing ideas for how you

can create the optimum conditions to develop a child’s brain to peak performance, while meeting your long-term

goals of peace, cooperation and respect in your family or classroom.

5


Building a relationship with a child is a process, a challenge and a journey toward healing and letting go of those

parts of yourself that are critical, limiting, judgmental or which otherwise deny your authentic being.

This is the gift children have to offer.

Will you accept it?

This e-book may raise more questions than it initially seems to answer. That's okay.

It takes more than one read-through of a 47-page report to integrate a new philosophy and shift your focus to

discovering what is driving children’s negative behavior, instead of solely trying to extinguish it.

Audio classes, teleseminars and workbook materials are available for download.

If you’re ready NOW to learn how to apply the concepts in this report, check out my website.

Ready? Set… GO!

http://www.teach-through-love.com/parenting-classes.html

6


PART ONE

7


Behavior = Communication

I want you to stop looking at children’s behavior as an indication of whether they are good or bad and instead

realize that children spend every minute of their day trying out new, workable strategies for exploring and meeting

their needs and behavior is their main mode of communication.

Children need unconditional love, support and emotional guidance as they learn to manage and understand their

frustration, excitement, disappointment, joy and hurt.

Behavior is a representation of what is going on internally with a child. Behaviors are the strategies children use

to meet basic needs which are valid and necessary. Inexperienced and having varying degrees of self-regulation,

children cannot always access ways of expressing their needs, which adults deem appropriate. It may help to

know that despite their sometimes unruly behaviors, their intentions are always honest.

Behaviors may not always be acceptable but the child must know that he and his emotions always are.

Blame, shame, judgment and guilt or invalidating, dismissing attitudes and critical remarks cause children to

develop a deep well of self-doubt about their thoughts, ideas and worth.

Children have valid needs for rest, play, fun, connection, exploration, attention, acceptance, approval, autonomy,

contribution, belonging, etc. Although they may not always know how to meet these needs in socially acceptable

ways, you are instrumental in helping to develop these skills with repetition, time and consistent modeling.

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself and your children or students. Remember, this is a process – a journey.

Principle #1: All behavior is purposeful communicat ion about what a person needs .

8


Help is out there. You can visit the website or Facebook page daily and discover valuable insights or learn from

like-minded parents and teachers when you post your questions. You can also visit The Center for Nonviolent

Communication for more information about the theory and principles behind compassionate communication.

Why Change?

I am deeply committed to ending the use of punitive discipline and showing families, schools and communities

how to heal and connect through tolerance, compassion, authenticity and awareness and by showing them

the depth of intimacy and understanding which developing a strong relationship with children will bring.

My passion to educate and inspire does not come from a desire to tell anyone

how to parent or how to run their classroom but because I profoundly believe in this

model as the way to bring respect and peace back into our family and school systems.

I believe that when we change how we treat our children, we will change our world.

Big goals, I know. Thank you for your commitment to helping me with the shift!

Personally, my journey has been one of twists and turns and labels galore as I explored my authentic identity,

outside the family group I was raised in. Growing up, I had family, love and opportunity, but the one thing I never

had was a good relationship with my parents, nor a mentor teacher, whom I could count on.

I think back and I know that if the adults in my life had only had this information, they could have learned how to

create a relationship with me, enabling the soundness of their advice to have actually reached me.

I wish they could have shifted my behavior without force and without the destruction that comes from using power

and authority, which ultimately created a disconnection in my ability to relate and communicate my real needs in a

way that was understood and considered by others.

This information is not intended to change your mind. I don't want to convince you of how you should parent

or discipline or motivate your children or students and I’m not going to proselytize about why this or that tool is

cruel or how you shouldn't be “managing” or “controlling” your kids.

I’m going to show you how to communicate with children.

Like many people, you may have been parented under a dominant, traditional paradigm yourself.

It was common then, the norm. Our parents and our parents’ parents were often living in and focused on a

survival mindset and were not necessarily concerned with emotions, except to stifle them when it conveniently

served the adult world.

http://www.teach-through-love.com/

http://www.facebook.com/TEAChthroughLove

http://www.cnvc.org/

http://www.cnvc.org/

9


Have you‘ve seen parenting literature from 40, 50, or 100 years ago? It specifically advocated not allowing

emotions to influence your parental authority. The myth that emotions are for the weak has seeped into the

unconscious belief system of every adult in search of obedience through power. Past generations have not given

too much particular attention to the idea that you must pay attention to how kids are feeling or that it is, in fact, a

necessary component to developing the brain’s most precious functions.

Goals for Conscious Parents & Teachers

We want kids who can …

Feel and process their feelings.

Problem-solve independently and creatively.

Self regulate and develop emotional flexibility.

Form healthy, intimate relationships with others.

Parenting is a Relationship.

Please remember, my goal is not to give you tools to help you make kids do what you want, when you want them

to do it or to help you change behavior with strict, unyielding rules or by disconnecting emotionally.

This introductory e-book is designed to bring you into awareness and help you make shifts in your family or

classroom that will guide you toward unlocking the mystery of children's behavior. This guide will show you how

you can begin to move through tough situations and powerful emotions and resolve conflict without resistance

or struggle, by changing your perspective

.

Parenting is a Relationship

Like friendship or marriage, when you develop a bond with a child, it requires time to develop and mutual

respect and understanding to have influence and longevity. Healthy relationships never use power over someone

to force someone to change, especially in relationships which guide the development or moral compass of a child.

Creating Authentic Relationships

I will help you put the focus back on needs and feelings.

You are the parent – teacher – guide.

You are also an individual in the relationship.

You have needs, feelings and ideas that are important.

So does your child.

10


You are not judge and jury, there to control, coerce or evaluate children, but you are a teacher and an emotional

guide. You are the one who loves and cares about them, who guides their actions and the person responsible for

engaging them in the moment through connection and empathy, not disapproval or shame.

Imagine what it would be like if we spoke to our friends the way we sometimes speak to the children in our lives.

We might not be friends for very long. Speak to children as if you are speaking to someone whom you cherish

and respect – because I know you do!

Sometimes, with the most difficult children, though we can’t deny our love, we may question its strength at times.

Parenting or choosing to be in the field of education is a choice to contribute to the development a child as it

unfolds by being authentically present and learning how to be in a relationship with a child. This requires

connection, honoring needs and validating feelings.

I think many have been misled as to what parenting is all about.

Many new parents are shocked by the reality of daily parenting

and what it consists of moment-to-moment. Many times,

creating a family more closely resembles inviting total strangers

to come and live with us and then realizing just how many

strings are attached. Sure, our kids may look like us physically

but more often than not, they couldn’t be more different than us

in terms of personality, likes and dislikes, sensitivity,

temperament or schedule, etc.

We have kids who are night-owls or have sensory issues and we want to label them “bad sleepers” or “picky

eaters.” We tend to begin early, negating their authentic experiences, while they urgently and consistently nudge

us in the direction of discovering our own fears, wounds, prejudices and unmet needs. And those kids we labeled?

They’ll grow up, still staying awake until two in the morning or hating the crunch of onions and that was just their

temperament, not their will to make your life complicated.

We can't always predict the habits or unique sensitivities of our children but we can welcome the opportunity to

practice compassion, empathy and cooperation with our loved ones so that when we are faced with challenges

from the outside world, we are prepared with the resources and the resiliency to adapt to life’s upsets. What we

need to teach children is how to respond and consider others (relationships), calm their feelings (emotional

regulation) and how to communicate their needs effectively (compassionate communication).

Shift Your Perspective I want you to change the way you look at children and behavior. Sometimes you may find yourself reacting to your

children or students from a place of fear, control or disapproval rather than responding from a place of love,

curiosity and openness. Your past conditioning and ability to manage your emotions determines your ability to

respond to situations and you can change with a conscious commitment.

11


Responsibility is the ability to respond .

It is our responsibility to guide, protect and teach children by

modeling the positive expression of emotions.

Before we can respond, there is a space. And in that space we have the

power to make a choice – and two basic emotions to draw from.

Will we choose love or fear?

Everything we feel that is negative: anger, frustration, dominance, impatience, control - comes from fear while

openness, empathy, consideration, care and happiness come from love.

When you react without awareness, you allow stress and fear and all those unconscious, painful memories to

cloud your thinking and impede your judgment. But in the now, you always have a choice.

When you’re in the present moment, you are neither concerned with the past nor fearful of the future. You can

take the space to regroup and model compassion and concern for children - all those things that you want them to

learn.

So what I want you to do is - make the shift.

Sometimes this requires a paradigm change, because again, we've all

been raised in different cultures and home environments and then we

marry or we come together in communities and everybody has had a

different experience informing their behaviors and perspectives.

We are a collection of everything that we've ever observed, heard, read,

watched and participated in and all of these experiences have been

gathered and filed away as a framework for our lives.

A paradigm is a set of beliefs, a pattern in which we live and think and act.

Sometimes we need to change the model, that blueprint which formed the basis of what we know, understand

and believe about ourselves and the world. This framework determines whether we respond or react to life.

To adopt a conscious paradigm mindset, you need to change your thinking. You may have firm ideas about how

children should behave, learn or feel or about what your role as a parent or teacher is truly all about and that may

be different from what you come to find in the conscious perspective.

Or, it may not be such a dramatic shift.

THERE ARE ONLY 2 CHOICES

FEAR

LOVE

12


You may be familiar with positive discipline, mindful awareness or compassionate communication techniques and

maybe it will not be such a huge transformation in thinking for you. Either way, you may not be ready to change

your views or even cease using time-outs or praise and rewards and that is OKAY too!

Your choices are respected here.

Your ability to implement this model depends on the environment of support that you cultivate and the degree to

which your emotional intelligence, which is your ability to regulate your emotions, to motivate yourself, to be aware

of the feelings of others and empathize, can overcome the strength of your preconditioned ideas.

What I want to do is give you current information about parenting and disciplining children with compassion,

along with the science to back it up, so that you can begin to think about why you discipline the way you do now

and consider whether you’ve chosen this discipline framework or just absorbed it from those around you.

I want you to think about which paradigm you were parented under, because your experience, whether you don't

believe in what your parents did OR even if you cherish their strictness with fond memories, the experience of

your youth is influencing you on a subconscious level. The response you received to your needs and emotions

may be unwittingly sabotaging your relationship with your children or students.

So how do we do this? How do we really make the shift?

There are a few things to consider.

Our childhood experiences influence our subconscious behaviors until we become aware and take the time to

notice our reactions and recognize our triggers.

The ability to shift your paradigm begins with investigating your family of origin and the cultural habits and

practices you were exposed to and dispelling any stored negativity from unprocessed emotions and

unacknowledged thoughts or feelings from the past.

13


The behaviors children exhibit, which cause you to react or trigger you

into a state of dysregulation, are your clues about what needs healing.

1. Explore your childhood and reflect on those moments that defined your

emotional experiences which may be operating in your subconscious.

Delving in and acknowledging your past is important.

2. Identify your current beliefs about children and your views about your

role as a parent or teacher.

3. Write down your long-term goals for your family or classroom.

What qualities do you want to develop in your children?

4. Take time for self-reflection and practice stress management and self-empathy.

5. Commit to becoming aware of your language and attitude as you go about your daily interactions with

your children without getting lost in the hustle and bustle of trying to get everybody off to school on time.

Once you come to integrate your personal history and you learn the science behind this discipline model, you

will come to understand and know how to address the motivation that drives behavior.

You will know how to calm the situation by acknowledging fears, feelings and needs and you will not be able to

look at your children or students and their behaviors (or your role as a parent or teacher) in the same way again!

You will have found a better way through relationship!

Ready to shift?

You are probably familiar with the fed-ex logo. Have you ever noticed the arrow?

Do you see it?

http://www.teach-through-love.com/support-files/2-stress-regulation.pdf

14


Once you see that arrow, you'll never again pass a fed-ex truck without seeing the arrow!

That is what making the shift from fear to love-based, conscious discipline is like.

How is the traditional paradigm of discipline different?

Much of the traditional advice about discipline strategies for parents and educators comes from…

Outdated behavioral theories

Traditional, dominant ideas and control

Fear-based thinking

Old Parenting Paradigm

I sometimes refer to traditional paradigm as the old parenting paradigm.

The old parenting paradigm is based on conditional love which uses punishment, fear, control or behavior

modification such as rewards and consequences to teach to behave appropriately. Using isolation, time-outs or

ignoring children until “they talk to you respectfully” or conform to your demands are methods condoned by the

old paradigm.

But the message that kids get from punitive means

such as the withdrawal of love or privileges, however

unintentional it may be, is that you are taking away your

acceptance and attention until they can “behave”

[please you] and that essentially tells children, "act

appropriately or I'm not going to love you” or worse,

“you’ll be alone.”

Taking away love, recess or things would be great

advice except - sometimes children don't have the brain

power to make better choices, that's why they need us.

http://www.teach-through-love.com/old-parenting-paradigm.html

15


Guess what?

It takes 25 years to grow a human brain but we struggle to get it all done by age seven with perfect kids who can

sit still, play “nicely” and quietly accept all uncomfortable experiences with no negative expression.

To conform to such social expectations is an unrealistic goal

for parents and teachers to set for themselves and their children.

The old paradigm also makes use of a lot of (often unconscious) judgment and guilt. Not discernment but

judgment that uses shame, blame or guilt to evaluate or approve of children and to deem them as good or bad

based on their behavior.

Children will come to view themselves through the filter that you design.

He’s such a good baby. (because he was quiet and didn’t interrupt an adult centered event)

She always makes me proud. (because she made A’s on her report card)

She can’t sit still.

He’s a trouble-maker.

Your brother would never do that.

You make me so angry.

I guess I can’t trust you.

Other disconnecting statements include:

"Why did you just do that?"

"What’s wrong with you?"

"What were you thinking?"

The truth is that when kids are upset, they act negatively and display negative behaviors, not because they are

choosing to be defiant or “not think about their actions” but because their decision making skills aren’t working.

Negative actions aren’t chosen - they are directed from the lower brain while in a state of emotional overwhelm

and physiological dysregulation.

When a child is under stress or in a state of fear about not having a need met, such as when a young child reacts

to having a toy taken, which is a very real fear for a child, even though it may seem ridiculous to an adult, he isn’t

making rational choices from a place of thoughtful consideration because access to that kind of higher-brain

thinking skill goes offline under the stress of fear – which happens more than you think with kids.

16


We'll get into more about dysregulation and the brain in a little bit.

For now, I just want to explore the old paradigm and its theory of discipline through control. Adult reactions, often

punitive, are used to make kids adhere to rules and regulations, despite each unique situation and without first

acknowledging the unmet needs or unheard feelings being communicated through behavior.

NEEDS DRIVE BEHAVIOR

This is a very important concept to understand and master.

The old paradigm uses punishment because it seems immediate and impactful. While logical consequences are

favored as a tool to change behavior, they still result in disconnection. Adhering to a continuum of control -

rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior is neither appropriate nor effective.

Respect for authority is a guiding principle of the traditional paradigm. Respect is often demanded or gained

through fear and force of will rather than earned through a mutually beneficial relationship.

Disclaimer: I am not against instilling discipline, teaching rules or setting limits. What I want is for you to

not arbitrarily assign limits for convenience or your own comfort but to take the time to be in the

discomfort with your child and show him how to make it through.

I want you to use the 5-step TEACH tool for peaceful conflict resolution so that you can connect before

you direct. Do this, and you will experience your influence grow in strength, as will your relationship and

your child’s ability to trust you.

Often, we want kids to change their behavior so that we feel more comfortable and because we don't know how or

have the time or energy to sit and listen to them “express” for fifteen minutes - when that is really what they need.

MOVING TO A CONSCIOUS VIEW…

Unconditional love never isolates, shames or rejects a child who is

struggling with behaviors or emotions.

When you use empathy instead of making evaluative statements about a child's

behaviors, feelings or needs, you widen your perspective and have an opportunity

to get inside your kid's head so you can really see from her point of view.

http://www.teach-through-love.com/teach-tool.html

17


Empathy and compassion enable you to move a child out of the

state of being afraid and back to a place of receptivity because

this is the place where s/he will be able to receive all those

lessons that you are hoping to impart.

The conscious paradigm focuses on guidance instead

of control because control breeds resistance.

Become aware of when you need to set limits. Use discipline

that preserves the integrity and dignity of children and leads

them to make appropriate choices. Don’t teach shame, blame or

guilt by forcing your ideas coldly or unknowingly dismissing their

needs or feelings.

If you use shame or guilt with children, you shut down memory

and learning because those tools engage the stress response

and condition children to act from their survival instincts and

form mistaken ideas about their identity, value and self-worth.

Conscious parenting and discipline uses connection, problem-solving and compassionate communication to

diffuse negativity and teach lessons, appropriate behaviors and rules. Act in the spirit of cooperation taking into

consideration the temperament, development and the self-regulatory ability of the child. If he's three, he can't

regulate his brain or calm down from that tantrum without your help and he needs tons of practice to make it a

habit.

Questions to consider…

How old is the child?

What other stressors might be present?

Have there been changes in schedule, family time or environment?

Negative behavior is an external attempt to soothe an internal state which arises from an unacknowledged need or unexpressed emotion.

Negative behavior is unconscious and stems from a place of fear or stress.

18


Respect for all

The needs and feelings of everyone matter in the conscious paradigm. It's not about coddling children but about

teaching them how to manage their emotions and respect other people by respecting them.

The Conscious Paradigm believes all people are deserving of respect from the tiniest tots to our grandparents’

grandparents. Everybody deserves to be treated with kindness, especially children, regardless of age or behavior.

Respecting children does not mean you approve of all behavior. It means that you know that behavior is not

representative of the children's "character" but of their skill level and ability (or inability) to meet needs in

acceptable ways.

Soon, you will have gained enough awareness to know that compassion is the ONLY WAY to teach children

about responsibility, creative problem-solving and to achieving optimal brain development.

Myths & Facts

As we stated earlier, there are many different parenting or

discipline styles. Some have been the subject of endless debate

and opinion. Conscious parenting and discipline is not immune to

this. There has been a lot of misinformation, misinterpretation and

distortion of facts about what conscious, non-punitive discipline is.

So I just want to clear up some of those misunderstandings.

1. Conscious parenting and discipline is permissive.

This is BIG one. It may seem to outsiders like there are no rules, no limits and that all this talk about emotions

doesn’t instill discipline. It’s true, I do want you to talk about needs and feelings but that doesn't mean that you

don't set boundaries for children or that you don't have limits.

What it means is that you don't leave your kids alone when you need to set a boundary and you don't criticize or

get angry when they protest. You don’t shame them for making a wrong choice and then leave them to figure it

out by themselves or threaten them with consequences solely to change behavior because people are watching.

That doesn't teach children about how to change their behavior –

it just implies that they must do it “or else” risk losing your relationship.

19


2. Conscious parenting and discipline gives children the control in a situation.

I think adults are often afraid of being manipulated by children's emotions but children don’t manipulate in the way

that adults think about manipulation. Children have a natural life-giving urge to meet their core needs and please

others and they do so with honest intentions. They're not out to try and ruin your plans or make you mad. They're

honestly out to seek joy and have fun, explore and interact and learn how to "be" in the world.

Sometimes it feels like manipulation because our own fears are triggering us into perceiving their intentions

through a clouded lens as deceitful. If you feel like your child or student is deliberately is pushing your buttons,

then ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” When you practice self-empathy, you can choose to condition a new

pattern of responding to children's behavior.

3. Conscious parenting and discipline is easier and less involved than traditional

methods.

This type of parenting and discipline requires attuned responses, adjusting your expectations and allowing

children to express emotions without fear or judgment. It is not permissive and there no expectations that you

let your kids do whatever they want all the time. You don’t let them scream at people or hit people or let them run

all over the school-yard going crazy and having absolutely no self-control.

It takes a commitment to awareness and consistency to develop influence and discipline children gently and

lovingly as they learn to regulate, manage conflict and express emotions in constructive ways.

4. Conscious parenting and discipline consists of a set of rules / techniques to follow.

Discipline is not one-size-fits-all. Conscious discipline is a delicately balanced and creative journey to stimulate

(not demand or coerce) the unfolding of a child's NATURAL DESIRE for self-sufficiency, concern for others

and peaceful problem-solving.

Discipline is strengthened through connection and empathy and requires parents and teachers to be attuned to

the child’s stage of development, temperament and to be authentic and flexible as you teach children about how

to be responsible, self-directed people who can relate well to others.

And the last myth…

20


5. Conscious parenting and discipline is unrealistic and doesn’t teach kids about the “real world.”

Disciplining consciously can be difficult and challenging but it is not unrealistic. It prepares children to deal with life

by strengthening their ability to be responsive, to relate to others and be accountable for their own emotions.

Parenting or teaching with unconditional love and empathy requires you to consider children's developmental

stage when setting limits and rejects the idea that you must maintain control through dominance. It is about

nurturing the soul, raising creative, caring people who have developed the emotional literacy to fully access their

personal power.

Having a vocabulary and knowing the language of emotions is crucial. Kids must know what their feelings are and

how to connect with their bodies to manage strong emotions. Otherwise they resort to using force, aggression

or threats to feel better or to meet their basic needs.

Emotions that are not expressed will be stored in the bodily memory. Children come into this world with so many

emotions that well up unexpectedly and they have no idea what they are or how to express them in positive ways.

Emotional flexibility is developed through interaction.

Conscious parenting and discipline requires connection and creativity. There is no one magic answer to child-

rearing or behavior challenges or to every child, family or school conflict because every situation is unique.

You have to be intuitive. Identify the need, connect with the feelings and then problem-solve together.

To quickly recap the paradigm comparison -

The old paradigm uses judgment, criticism, control, evaluation of behaviors and compliance through manipulation

and force. It views the family/school structure as a hierarchy with adults in unyielding positions of power and

control. Children are trained, managed and directed with minimal focus on listening to emotions, validating

experiences or addressing needs, which are necessary experiences required to develop emotional literacy and

self-regulation.

21


Choose relationship over control and compliance.

The conscious paradigm focuses on developing strong relationships and thus cooperation naturally follows

through the uncritical observation and acknowledgment of feelings and needs. It relies on patience, tolerance,

non-judgment, connection, support and creative problem-solving to establish healthy relationships with children.

Discipline that models criticism, shame, evaluations, rewards, punishment or expectations of obedience does not

support adults or children. It does not support families and schools logically or emotionally and that is why so

many parents, teachers and childcare workers are frustrated, because they are constantly being misdirected to

change behavior instead of deciphering the message that behavior is communicating.

Cooperation grows when you have an unconditional bond with your children or students; a bond which is built on

a foundation of trust and without the fear of rejection or criticism of emotions.

Now for the nitty-gritty of Conscious Parenting & Education

1. Attachment & Attunement

2. Brain Science & Child Development

3. Compassionate Communication

In the next section, I’ll challenge you to re-frame your view of children and discipline

by integrating these core principles to transform yourself, so you can see

what children really need.

22


PART TWO

23


AAA aaa BBB bbb CCC ccc DDD ddd EEE eee FFF fff GGG ggg HHH hhh III iii JJJ jjj KKK kkk LLL lll MMM mmm NNN nnn OOO ooo PPP ppp QQQ qqq RRR rrr SSS sss TTT ttt UUU uuu VVV vvv WWW www XXX xxx YYY yyy ZZZ zzz

A Attachment & Attunement

B Brain Science & Child Development

C Compassionate Communication

24


Attachment & Attunement

Attachment is one of the first neural networks set up in the human brain. From the moment children are born,

they depend on us to nurture them and soothe their every discomfort, especially in that first year, when they have

no self-regulatory skills.

Babies depend on us to lend our coping skills and to soothe their fears with our own experienced ability to remain

calm, to access well-being and to provide comfort.

We are biologically designed to be "in relationship."

Children require our touch, skin to skin contact and a timely response to their needs. Crying is the main way they

tell us when they need: attention, food, comfort, rest etc. Crying is a behavior, and a baby’s only method of

communication.

*Note about Sleep Training - One reason that I do not advocate for the "cry it out" method is because children

under one-year-old can't regulate their systems without you. They don't learn to cope by being alone. They learn to

cope when someone responds to their cry with attuned emotional comfort, letting them know that everything is

okay. When they are left alone, without touch or interaction, they don’t learn independence (like we are hoping) and

tend to form beliefs that the world is unsafe and exhibit brain patterns which reflect this belief in their behaviors.

Even for toddlers and small children, bedtime may be scary. They may not be able to go to bed alone (all the time)

until around six or seven. There is a big jump in brain development and cognitive function around that time and thus

the reason kids need to be in close proximity to their caregivers for the first five years.

Children need to feel secure in their relationships in order to thrive. Parents must respond to their cues with love,

empathy and connection so that their ability to feel safe is uncompromised and so that they develop the faith to risk

seeking independence later on.

Humans must belong to a group and interact in relationships or we fail to thrive. Do you remember the movie

Castaway with Tom Hanks? He made his companion “Wilson” out of a volleyball because his survival depended

on having someone (or something) to relate to and interact with. It was comforting to him to have “someone else”

around. He actually needed this interaction to survive on the island. Humans will fail to thrive without connection.

Attachment Theory Attachment is a term coined by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and child development pioneer.

While it represents a theory about the relationships between humans, it has veered its way into the parenting jargon and come to be associated more with a style of parenting rather than a scientific theory.

25


It also has many parents mistakenly believing that they must subscribe to a list of specific nurturing activities (co-sleeping, on-demand nursing, baby-wearing, etc.) that are required to form the parent-child bond.

While these activities may be rooted in our earliest ancestors, present in most other mammal behaviors and set-up the conditions for optimal brain development, it is your response, attention and love that matter most - not whether you slung your kid around on your back while gardening and tandem-nursing your twins.

♥Attachment is the bond that is formed between parent and child.♥

It is the primary foundation for a relationship that will see many transitions as both you and your child grow and adapt along this most intimate journey.

Attunement is the process of aligning with what your child is feeling and experiencing. Attuning to her emotional

state allows you to hold the space for feelings to be heard with compassion and empathy so that you can guide

your child back to a state of calm, regulated awareness, helping her to accept limits.

Without attachment there can be no regulation, and without regulation, there can be no learning.

Adults are often afraid to connect with children for fear of “giving in” or letting them “have their way.” Getting down

to your child’s level removes the barrier that is fostered within traditional, top-down parenting and discipline.

This notion that hierarchy is necessary is what keeps us from truly understanding children’s behavior and moving

through tough times with ease or at least some semblance of sanity.

Children need to be emotionally connected to a trusted adult.

Without this connection - there is panic, fear and little access to love-centered behaviors.

Children who have been parented with fear, coercion or emotional manipulation will still attach to their primary caregivers but their attachment is usually insecure, avoidant or ambivalent. They do not form the same sense of security and trust in the world as a child whose needs have been met with sincere interest and compassion. This sense of basic security is essential to setting up the conditions for your child to thrive.

Children naturally align with your emotional energy – your vibe. If you are stressed, impatient, angry or sad, your kids will feel it. They will unconsciously mirror this emotional discord back to you - in their energy, attitude and tone. The process of attuning to your child’s emotions allows you to stay aware of your own emotional state and therefore connected to your feelings and better able to be present for your child.

26


27


Brain Science

We need to reprogram some of our past conditioning in order to successfully implement a conscious view.

A basic understanding of how the human brain develops is a crucial factor in identifying with the truth behind this discipline model. We must look at how the brain develops because research has shown that traditional discipline methods like punishment and punitive discipline actually inhibit the conditions necessary for the pre-frontal cortex or higher brain thinking to develop because punishment and punitive discipline actually induce stress and raise the level of fear our children feel, thus affecting brain function. We cannot learn under stress or fear. I am not telling you not to teach life lessons but I am telling you that kids are definitely not learning if you are threatening consequences or taking away their things or your love or attention, because the rational part of their brain, the part responsible for making good decisions, goes off-line under these conditions. If the brain is off-line, it’s not growing – it’s maintaining.

There is no cognitive, thoughtful consideration of consequences if children are afraid or feeling pressured to

resolve their feelings quickly, leaving them with no choice but to:

a. Do what they’re told despite their internal conflict, ignoring their authentic self.

b. Follow their instincts and risk losing affection, attention, approval or love.

This does not leave children with much of a choice; let alone a sufficient support system which they can depend

on to manage their inner turmoil.

Kids need us to help them develop efficient brain patterns of reaction and response.

The beauty of the human brain is that, while it is a wildly complex organism, it is also incredibly malleable and can

change or heal at any time. Younger kids’ brains have more plasticity, meaning their brains are still forming and

have increased flexibility which enables them to be able to shift, change and adapt much faster. Although our

adult brains seem “hard-wired” and thoroughly conditioned from past experiences, science has learned that we

can change too!

Although it may take more work and time, it is necessary if you are to shift to the conscious paradigm.

28


The brain science surrounding human development has really exploded in the last twenty years and it's almost

impossible to continue perpetuating traditional paradigm thinking once you understand a few key facts about the

brain.

Our brains develop from the back to the front and from the inside-out.

We are born with all the nerve cells we'll ever need, over 100 billion,

but they are very small and largely unconnected to the different parts

of the brain.

Children are born with about 25% of their brain developed and it's all in

the lower brain region – the Survival Center is fully developed at birth.

AGE: Birth to age 1. Infants are born with the lower brain intact.

The Survival Center is fully developed at birth and handles all the basic autonomic instincts

and functions to sustain life and movement: breathing, digestion, heart rate, sleep, fight, flight or freeze.

Infants operate from the survival center because they only have access to the lower brain connections.

Infants have no ability to self-soothe or self-regulate their emotions or manage or cope with their

distress until they have experienced attuned responses to their needs.

They MUST rely on an attached caregiver to lend their coping abilities. The ability to cope with our

emotions is located in higher regions of the brain and babies and young children (especially under 6)

have not yet made the proper connections to support these skills.

AGE: 1 – 5. The primary developmental focus is in the "mid-brain."

The Emotional Center of the brain processes memory and emotions and controls the

stress response. It is responsible for the nurturing and caring instinct, separation anxiety, fear and rage.

This area of the brain, also called the limbic system or the emotional brain, is the primary focus of

development in the early childhood years.

Self-expression, the communication of needs and feelings and observations of the world are expressed in

the form of strong feelings, emotional displays and split-second reactions. Children at this stage cannot

“stop and think” before they act because their impulse control is inefficient and every situation is filtered

through the amygdala (the fear sensor), analyzed for safety or threat and then automatic behaviors follow

accordingly. Reactions and responses are filed away for future reference, setting up the conditions for

building an emotional framework and knowing how to respond to people, change and disappointment.

29


AGE: Middle Childhood through the Teenage Years

The Executive Center of the brain has a development phase that spans childhood but there

are noticeable jumps in development around age six, eleven and again at around age fifteen. This part of

the brain, the pre-frontal cortex which we call the Executive Center, is divided into two hemispheres, the

left (logic/sequence) and the right (emotional/intuitive), which are responsible for the skills of self-

regulation, decision making, planning, sequential thought, logic, reasoning, empathy,

compassion, problem-solving and creativity.

These “higher brain functions” continue to develop throughout life and predominately until around the age

of 25. This is why car insurance rates go down after age 25, because we are less likely to make poor

decisions and get into an accident and the insurance companies know this!

The Executive Center is a huge part of the brain that handles many functions which we often assume is a

skill-set available to young children. However they simply don’t have the brain-power to always fulfill our

expectations of good planning and making sound decisions.

Children have limited and inefficient access to the executive center functions and they develop along their own

unique timeline. The one constant is that when kids (or adults) get upset, cognitive function goes off-line!

There is no access to the higher brains regions when we are in fear or under stress.

Children do not need to be trained, they need to be recognized for their potential and supported with

consistency, nonjudgmental feedback and unconditional love in order to successfully shape their brains from

immature and disorganized structures to efficient working systems.

30


Let’s talk about stress and trauma.

I know I have mentioned the words stress, trauma, regulation

and dysregulation but let’s clarify their meanings.

Regulation is the ability to remain calm, focused

and relaxed under stressful or uncertain circumstances.

Dysregulation is the inability to maintain emotions at a tolerable

level during times of stress. It is the state of fear outside your window

of tolerance where you may act irrationally, aggressive or withdraw from

uncertain or stressful situations.

Stress is any demand for change on the mind/body which requires adequate

resources to successfully navigate the situation. The physiological response is

activation of the stress response system, which releases hormones like cortisol

and adrenaline as a way to energize the body, motivate you to action and reset

the central nervous system.

Trauma is what happens if there are prolonged, overwhelming or

unpredictable stressful events that happen repeatedly over time. This can

create substantial damage to the development of the brain.

Fear-Based Discipline

Fear-based discipline, through the use of threats, take-aways, punitive consequences or demands for obedience

through yelling, criticism, disapproval or isolation causes the fear receptor in the brain, which is called the

amygdala (uh-MIG-dah-lah), to go off like an alarm. The amygdala is located in the mid-brain and acts as a

smoke detector for danger.

The amygdala scans every situation and if it detects a threat or an unsafe situation (and you know when kids are

being threatened with consequences, they’re going to be afraid and/or defensive) – then what happens is the

amygdala signals to the brain that there is a situation to “survive” and the brain automatically shifts gears,

accessing the lower-brain – the survival brain – as it begins to release large amounts of stress hormones in order

to prepare the body for “fight or flight.”

31


This can be extremely damaging to the body and brain if it occurs repeatedly because a little cortisol goes a long way. If the stress-response is elicited too often, then the body adjusts and begins to compensate by maintaining higher levels of cortisol in the body’s natural state.

This interferes with every system in the body: immune function, sleep patterns, reproduction, digestion, brain

function and if it happens too often or for too long, it creates the experience of trauma.

Where does stress come from?

Understanding what stress is and how it affects behavior will help you shift your perspective of children’s behavior

from perceived disobedience and defiance to what it really is – an emotional reaction to fear and stress.

Negative behavior arises from an unconscious place of fear – a state of stress. In between a triggering stressful

event and behavior lie two primary emotions and also the chance to respond from them: fear or love.

The stress-response is an important survival mechanism but parental fear, unpredictable behaviors, inappropriate

expectations and inconsistent responses to children will cause anxiety and more acute stress responses.

In the conscious paradigm, noticing your own stress response system plays an important role in developing your

awareness. How well are you able to attune to children to teach them how to regulate their emotions?

Acute stress protects but chronic stress destroys.

When we have a triggering sensory event (something that happens which causes us to react) our amygdala is

awakened and readies us to assess the situation and then fight or flee for our protection. We may get upset, yell

or become unreasonable or aggressive and without awareness and reconnection, this reactive stress system is

not properly shut down, escalating negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors before you can say BREATHE.

Stress can be harmful or it can be beneficial, depending on how often it occurs and how long it lasts. “Toughen

up” becomes a dangerous lesson for kids, especially boys. When we use that kind of language with children, we

are negating their experience and denying them the proper support to cope with disappointment and change.

We want kids to be independent but often, we leave them to do it without the resources and support to manage

their experiences. This can be quite hazardous to the development of the brain.

Yelling, Threatening, Arguing, Force, Dismissing, Punishing

Empathy, Concern, Regulation, Support,

Creativity, Awareness

32


Our automatic thoughts are triggered by our emotions and can come from fear or they can come from love.

We always have a choice.

In this space, we have the chance to choose a different path than our parents chose with us.

We can choose to be conscious in our recognition of the child’s experience and therefore aware of the reality

of what we all really need – validation and recognition. Once we make the decision to respond from love or

fear, what follows are behaviors which arise from our desire to meet our needs and match our state of being.

Love centered behaviors

Empathy

Concern

Self-regulation

Validation of needs

Acknowledgment of feelings

Patience

Problem-solving

Attunement

Fear centered behaviors

Yelling, screaming and threatening

Slamming doors

Comparing

Criticizing

Isolation

Shame, blame or guilt

Punishing

Withdrawal of love

All of the harsh things we say or do to kids (listed in the right column above), come from fear.

When we feel the need to immediately change or control a child's behavior, it does not spring forth from the desire

to teach lessons or instill discipline but from a yearning to be recognized, heard or validated, ourselves.

This fear or inability to let go of how we "think it should be" and just be with "how it is" - keeps us from fully

enjoying and understanding children.

Stress is a normal part of life and learning to adjust to it is an essential feature of healthy development. Children

have immature regulatory systems and so it is our job to attune to their emotional states and support them in their

mastery of self-regulation by providing them with the space and tools to promote positive coping skills.

Our attention and focus matter to the developing brain.

The graphic on the next page illustrates exactly how emotional neglect affects brain growth.

33


You can see from this image how very responsible we are for growing children’s brains.

On the left is the brain scan of a typically developing three-year-old and on the right, the brain scan of a child who

has experienced extreme neglect. Not physical neglect like “food and water” deprivation, this was emotional

neglect due to a lack of touch, attention, interaction and affection.

Obviously, I am not suggesting that traditional discipline will cause a brain to grow like the one pictured above but,

what I am asking is for you to recognize how much you contribute to children’s overall brain development.

The brain is a use-dependent organ and will prune away connections to skills that are not practiced, engaged

and experienced; things like empathy, concern, creativity and consideration.

If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.

In the absence of supportive relationships, children can experience too much stress and can become physically

ill, easily agitated, depressed, have trouble regulating their emotions and can become aggressive with others.

When stress becomes chronic, it becomes toxic and damage can occur to areas of the brain which control

memory and learning, giving rise to labels such as ADD, ADHD and ODD.

If you’re experiencing some trauma in your life, and lots of families do with divorce, moving, illness, death, new

siblings, strained family time etc., then start to investigate how well you handle it. It is in how you respond and

how you support children through challenging times that matters most, even more than what happens to them.

“Childhood Experience and the Expression of Genetic Potential: What Childhood

Neglect Tells Us About Nature and Nurture.” Brain and Mind 3: 79-100, 2002

© Dr. Bruce Perry 2005

34


Child Development

Appropriate Expectations

We spoke earlier of paradigms and how our filters are established. As children grow they are creating their filter, a

blueprint that will organize their systems of thought, memory, beliefs and emotions.

Respect children’s unique developmental stage and timeline.

Child development unfolds uniquely for each child and having

developmentally appropriate expectations will help you feel

less frustration and take children’s behavior less personally.

Keeping your expectations reasonable will create more

connection and trust. You will be able to identify what kids need

and make suggestions or use guidance that matches their age,

specific temperament and most importantly, their stage of

development which may differ from their chronological age.

Self-regulation and socially acceptable behaviors take time to

develop. Despite giving the appearance of a collected and

resourceful ten-year-old, a child is not necessarily capable of

always relying on rational thought or considering outcomes.

When faced with an exciting or risky situation, the

inexperienced or overly emotional brain is not going to have

access to the higher cognitive functions like sequential thought,

planning, logic or predicting outcomes.

If kids are overwhelmed by emotions or feeling peer pressure, they may not have the ability to stay connected to

the cognitive part of their brain. Emotional intelligence and regulation are still elusive skills for many adults. It is an

impossible ideal to have the expectation that children can act reasonably and coherently on demand.

Trust and a secure relationship with a loving, nonjudgmental parent is what a child needs to support his cognitive,

emotional and social development.

If kids fear you, they can’t trust you.

If they don’t trust you, they are not going to rely on you as a safe place or a source of help when they need it.

Without this bond, as they get older, they will find the regulation they need in other activities which may not be as

healthy (lying, stealing, self-destructive behaviors like cutting, etc.) and that are more damaging to their sense of

self and overall development.

35


Learning is inherently social and emotional.

All learning and brain development requires the repetition of repeated experiences. Children learn best and they

remember most when the learning is accompanied by social interaction. That is why we get down on the

floor with kids and teach them things. We don’t want to bark commands from across the room all the time.

Learning that is boring or stressful is not effective. Likewise, if kids are in a state of fear or dysregulated,

learning is impossible.

Learning requires connection and consistency.

At every stage of their development, kids alternate between needing to be autonomous and needing your

unconditional love and support and to know there is a secure “home base.” Sometimes children need to be close

and connected and at other times they want to go off and explore alone.

During these phases, they need to know that we are not going to abandon them to spark their independence but

that we are actually going to remain close and connected to support their independence and to help them

transition in troubling times.

Building Brain Cells

In order for a child's brain to mature, it needs to leave one state of

organization and move to another more efficient state. When this happens

there is a period of regression. You can think of it like “moving to a new

house.” Moving to a bigger house with better features requires your house

(brain) to be in a state of disorganization, with your things (skills) packed

up, in order to complete your move successfully.

So, during those big developmental jumps, kids can seem tough to handle

because it seems like they are regressing while we expect more self-

sufficiency and independence but they actually need more support as they

move into that new house, because they regress a little bit while

everything is reorganizing.

36


AAA aaa BBB bbb CCC ccc DDD ddd EEE eee FFF fff GGG ggg HHH hhh III iii JJJ jjj KKK kkk LLL lll MMM mmm NNN nnn OOO ooo PPP ppp QQQ qqq RRR rrr SSS sss TTT ttt UUU uuu VVV vvv WWW www XXX xxx YYY yyy ZZZ zzz

A Attachment & Attunement

B Brain Science & Child Development

C Compassionate Communication

37


Compassionate Communication

Compassionate communication is a foundational principle of the philosophy of the conscious parenting and

discipline and the process by which adults create cooperative relationships with children by speaking with respect

and responding with empathy to children’s thoughts and ideas.

Communication that is heart-centered empowers YOU to connect with children through deep listening (empathy)

and emotional attunement. Using language that acknowledges feelings and needs is a critical step which creates

a vocabulary of emotions for children to use to express his feelings and needs positively.

I’d like to help you re-frame how you speak to children, not just with your words but with your whole

body.

95% of human behavior is unconscious. 80% of communication is non-verbal.

This means that there is a lot going on without anyone needing to say very much

or be quite conscious of what they are saying with their body language.

We want to look at our unconscious behaviors and ask ourselves, “What am I saying?”

Are you modeling attuned conscious responses to stress, disappointment and change or are you modeling anger,

impatience, frustration and negative reactions like blame, guilt, throwing things or being unnecessarily critical?

Whatever kids experience is what they will give back to

Needs & Feelings

When we stop looking at behavior as an indication of

whether children are good or bad and we start

recognizing that the needs and feelings which they are

experiencing are manifesting in their behavior, then we

will begin to see a path to change.

You must investigate the needs behind the actions and

allow the feelings that come with all of life - the good,

bad and indifferent, because that’s when we get to the

heart of the matter and when we learn our most

valuable lessons.

When we take this step we can automatically diminish negative behavior without force or punishment.

38


Whether children’s needs be for autonomy, fun, play, exploration, meaning, purpose or connection, behaviors are always driven by some basic underlying human need. Ice cream is not a basic need, but the need to recreate a ritual or something special, well, that really is a valid need, not to be dismissed or judged.

The trick is identifying needs and distinguishing them from desires.

For example, a child who wants to go to the mall alone has need.

The mall is the desire.

It is the behavioral action which the child is using to strategize meeting the real need.

The actual need may be for connection with peers or for inclusion, space or privacy with friends. These are all

valid needs that need to be acknowledged regardless of the effectiveness of the initial strategy.

So, instead of saying to the child: “No, you can’t go to the mall because you’re too young to go without an adult.”

If you first start by acknowledging what need the child is trying to accomplish, you’ll be able to move towards a

state of cooperation encountering much less resistance than if you immediately cut off her ideas with an abrupt,

“No, not happening” or a judgmental response. Even if your reasons are logical, they may be resisted if it’s not

prefaced with a foundation of emotional understanding.

When you have to set limits, children may not always agree or be happy with your decisions but they will at least

feel heard because you took the time to validate and empathize by attuning to their experience and being willing

to understand their true intentions and recognize their need to resolve it on their own terms.

Start to see behavior as a form of communication and a strategy to meet a basic human need and

you’ll begin to find it easier to stay in a place of compassion.

Deep Listening - Empathy

This is the seed.

Empathy incorporates everything the conscious model embodies about

respectful communication and mindful interaction.

Develop an empathetic approach!

Empathy is a key component of this philosophy.

It is through our response to children, that they develop their model for interacting with the world.

39


What is empathy? Empathy literally translates as “in feeling,” It is the ability to share another person’s experiences and emotions and to see the world through their viewpoint. Empathy also involves the ability to understand that people have different ideas from ours.

Empathy is reflecting back what you hear the other person saying.

Some people have beliefs that may be different from ours and this is a “cognitive” component of empathy that is

not available to young children. I recommend that you don’t try to convince, plead. Legitimize or rationalize with

children about situations they can’t accept because they probably don’t yet have the capacity to understand that

people can have different ideas about the world without it infringing on their experience.

They are just too young. It is only through the witnessing and receiving of empathy that they can develop this

awareness of others.

Empathy builds connection.

It builds relationship and creates safety.

It is a vital part of effective communication.

It aids brain development by forming and strengthening the pathways to the higher brain functions.

When we provide empathy to children we actually help grow their brains. We connect the neural cells that they need to access these regions of the brain and to develop their emotional intelligence.

What does empathy do?

Empathy connects us, it reveals the truth of the situation and it activates the relaxation response in us, which is

necessary to calming ourselves and our children.

Conscious parents and educators communicate in ways that show authenticity in listening to children’s fears and

feelings. I want you to approach children with words and body language that open the doors to connection,

creativity and problem-solving. Be curious and ready to receive the messages children have to share.

Empathy does not

Fix things

Advise/Counsel

Say, “I told you so…”

Judge

Criticize

Compare

Dismiss

40


Ever tell a friend a story and s/he immediately jumps in saying, “Oh, the same thing happened to me!” and then

goes on to tell his/her own story while you’re left unacknowledged or perhaps too kind to interrupt and say so?

That’s not empathy.

Empathy is really listening and saying “Wow, that sounds as though it was really frightening.” Or “I imagine that was frustrating!" Or "That must have been marvelous!” Empathy requires you to let go of your own perspective in order to help another feel safe in expressing or processing their experience.

Self-Empathy

Self-empathy is also a crucial body-awareness practice to develop.

This 5-step process reconnects you to yourself!

1. Reflect on what you are feeling.

2. Reveal your unmet needs.

3. Allow yourself to feel the sensations of stress/anger or whatever you’re feeling in the moment.

4. Identify what triggered your emotion and what your unmet needs are.

5. Create a new vision - a new situation based on what you have discovered.

This process is important to your ability to regulate.

When you get upset, you can’t respond to children, effectively. You can only react. So, you must begin to practice

the steps of self-empathy. Don’t be fooled. You can know all about self-empathy cognitively but, if you don’t

actually practice compassion for yourself and others, nothing is ever going to change.

We teach kids how to walk and talk and drive and throw a ball

but rarely do we teach them about their emotions.

Compassionate communication means we have to talk about emotions.

Empathy is about understanding another person’s experience and getting down to the core of what someone else

is feeling and sharing with us. We want children to identify and begin to label their emotional surges and this

begins with helping them to understand the physiological reactions through awareness and empathy.

Developing emotional literacy is our biggest, most important task!

Kids need us to tell their story!

41


Emotional Intelligence

Self-regulation – the ability to manage your emotions and calm yourself during stress. Self-awareness – the ability to intuit the emotions of others and to use your intuition or inner knowing to make decisions or assess situations. Empathy – the process of attuned, deep listening. Social competence and interpersonal skill – the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships and creatively manage conflict with others.

Emotional intelligence depends on the different areas of the brain working together. A child’s neural network is a

work in progress. The circuitry that allows kids to calm themselves, pay attention, attune to the feelings and needs

of others and care about people with true compassion is still taking shape and it depends on us.

Emotional intelligence is a clear predictor of future success. It greatly influences our ability to form healthy

intimate relationships with others, to adapt pro-social coping skills and to initiate discovery and interest in the

world, all of which are considered obvious long-term goals for children. There is no doubt you want your children

or students to be able to succeed, achieve and relate in socially acceptable ways, but sometimes an unconscious

great divide forms between what you want and what you get.

Your degree of emotional intelligence readily informs how your brain responds or reacts to people and stressful

events or situations. Where did your emotional intelligence come from?

It’s right back to our childhood and our early emotional experiences we go!

When we revisit our family history, we can start to expand our emotional intelligence and our awareness of how to

handle our stress by erasing unconscious patterns that were set up long ago, without our awareness or approval.

Emotional development is the foundation from which all other

learning will flourish. Research has found that our emotions play a

much greater role in our thought processes, decision making and

individual success than previously thought.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, use, interpret and

manage emotions with a set of skills including:

42


If you weren’t shown a lot of empathy growing up,

you’re not necessarily going to be able to give a lot of empathy.

Ask yourself,

“Did I feel secure, loved, heard and validated growing up or did I feel scared, lonely, controlled and anxious?”

To build emotional intelligence, you must be willing to let go of painful experiences from the past.

You can do this by journaling, meditation, practicing self-

empathy, mindfulness, and through therapy. Some people

choose massage, sports, music, foot reflexology, body work,

EFT, yoga, etc.

All of these tools will help you begin to see children without your

fears and past experiences distorting your view of the situation.

Become free of those automatic unconscious behavioral

patterns that we set up long ago and are subconsciously

influencing how you react to others, especially children.

Developing your emotional intelligence will allow you to better

intuit children’s needs, it will help you feel more connected and

you will be able to heal old emotional wounds. Compassionate

communication will deepen the relationships with everyone in

your life while helping you communicate your needs effectively.

Shifting your habits of speech may not come easily. It may seem daunting to remove the shame, blame, judgment and guilt from your words, tone and body language because it has become so ingrained. But have faith, and understand that the more willing you are to be vulnerable, the easier it becomes to let down your guard and say what you mean, instead of being afraid to reveal yourself and your true desires.

Be Grateful, Vulnerable, Patient, Sincere & Curious

43


How can I change my child’s behavior?

This is the #1 question asked by most parents and teachers. The problem with this question is not in its

intention. We want to be able to set limits, we want acceptable behavior and we want children to make appropriate

choices.

But instead of asking, “How can I change behavior?”

These are the questions that will help you guide children toward being able to reflect on their behavior as you

build the brain’s circuitry and move them from a state of fear and dysregulation to a place of love, where you can

then access the creative intuitive you who displays compassion and acceptance with ease, which down deep, is

all anyone really wants anyway.

Remember, behavior is a communication.

Behavior is a child’s instrument of communication – his voice. It is his way of letting you know what he

needs. All human behavior is an attempt to satisfy a basic human need.

So, if Behavior = Communication

Does it really make sense to try and change the communication?

No! You want to discover what the communication is telling you, acknowledge it and then offer solutions or new

ways to meet that driving need.

Can you see how I am not asking you to let children continue to engage in activities which are unsafe or inappropriate?

But instead, identify that there was a real need for play, acceptance or fun, etc.

Try this perspective:

What is driving my child’s behavior?

How can I help my child?

How can I help my child regulate?

How can I model problem-solving to meet the needs of everyone?

44


You can set a limit like “No Couch Jumping” while still remaining sensitive and empathetic to the child’s needs and

by not criticizing or judging his choice of strategy.

What do you say instead?

This goes so much further than yelling across the room…

Because really, what does that tell a child except, “I want you to stop having fun!”?

And, “You are causing trouble.” That is what they hear in their heads. They don’t hear, “I really like this couch, I

don’t want to ruin it” or “it’s not a safe choice.” The only message they can intuit from harsh or insensitive

reactions is “YOU are unacceptable acting in this way.”

When a child fears that his need is not going to be met

or if he feels unheard, his behavior is his way of telling you:

You’re not listening, you don’t understand. This is what I need.

“Get off the couch, I told you three times already.”

“You’re going to go to your room if you don’t listen.

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

“If I have to ask you again, that’s it - no birthday party!”

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Look at your brother! You’re setting a bad example.”

“Is this how good girls/boys act?”

“Yes it’s fun to jump on the couch!”

“The cushions are cushy and give a good bounce.”

“I can see you need to jump to feel better.”

“It’s not okay to jump here because it makes our

couch dirty but I will help you find a safe place to

play and get out that energy.”

45


Final Thoughts…

The circuits in a child’s developing brain are born ready to connect and strengthen. But science has found that it

is our experiences and not solely our DNA that determine how our genes will be expressed. Children’s early

emotional experiences will largely determine their view of the world and their ability to relate to others.

Children’s unique perspectives and the trust and security they feel in the world are shaped by the responses they

receive from the primary adults in their lives. The ability to develop into their full potential depends on US.

Human connection, modeling and consistency are necessary.

Optimal brain development depends on integrating all three of the ABC’s of Conscious Parenting & Education

Punishment & Praise

Praise, rewards and punitive punishment can seem to be an effective solution in the short term but the long-term

consequence is a child who usually stops “behaving” when the praise, rewards and recognition stop coming.

Children who learn to spontaneously apologize, most often are the children who have “I’m sorry” said to them

often and modeled for them instead of coerced or punished into saying it.

The effects of consequences like time-outs, which take away love and attention from a child, may succeed in

short-term behavioral change but what they also do is create long-term disconnection and rarely do rewards give

a child any clear advice on what to do next time. Of course, I am not suggesting that you never give children goals

to strive for, incentives, reward or acknowledgment, but use them wisely and sparingly.

When we use external objects to try and change behavior,

children start to base their self-worth on these material representations.

I’ll briefly touch on why there is no punishment or excessive

use of empty praise or positive reinforcement.

There have been several studies attempting to discover

what motivates people. It turns out that punishment, praise

and rewards (extrinsic motivators such as stickers, reward

charts, verbal praise, treats, toys, money, trips, removal of

privileges, etc.) actually reduce a child’s intrinsic (internal)

motivation to do things on their own. As adults, we need to

focus on developing intrinsic motivation, not supplying

constant outside motivators which ultimately are unreliable.

46


Boundaries & Consequences

Physical or emotional control, punishment, consequences, rewards and praise are all outdated models of

discipline which put our focus on the wrong thing! Controlling behaviors at the expense of developing self-control

of the internal upset, which is always the source of negative behavior, increases stress and struggle.

Children need boundaries but they also need to be heard and validated.

When children are upset, they need to be reconnected with love – not more directions, advice or reprimands.

The lessons must wait until everyone is regulated and receptive.

When you meet children in their space of fear, when you step outside your boundary of control and engage

children where they are in the moment and provide love and empathy, then everyone feels safe enough to

move back within the boundary of positive, acceptable behaviors because they feel connected! When love has

moved you back – you don’t need to impose fear or the threat of consequences.

Because you have relationship!

Ready to Make the Shift?

Step 1: Use the TEACH Tool

These are my five steps for peaceful conflict resolution that I use for EVERYTHING.

Print out the next page and hang it on your fridge!

Remember, this report is a primer, an introduction to the philosophy of conscious parenting and education.

You may have more questions than you started off with. There is no right or wrong answer to how to parent or

discipline effectively. I can’t tell you how to raise your children or manage your classroom. All I can do is give you

tools to connect that will allow you to change behavior authentically and naturally - through relationship.

The traditional view of discipline is focused on behavior and relies on

the left hemisphere of the higher brain where logic and control

reside, in the cognitive part of the brain.

The Conscious Paradigm is relationship-focused and requires us to

move into the right hemisphere of our brains and get emotionally

involved with our child’s experience and use awareness, attunement,

creativity and empathy to shift out of negative, fear-based behaviors.

The TEACH Tool - 5-Step Conflict Resolution Process

Practice self-empathy to regulate your own feelings. What am I feeling/needing? What is happening? What events may have led to this situation? State the situation without judgment or an evaluation.

Get down on your child’s level. (don’t bark commands from across the room) Make eye contact and notice your own body language and tone. Approach the situation with curiosity and use loving words to connect. “I can tell by your words that you are very angry.” “It must be difficult to be excluded by your friends.”

What is my child feeling? (frustration, disconnection, fear) What is my child needing? (attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, autonomy) “I’m wondering if you are feeling…” or “It looks like you might be needing…” Validate needs and feelings. “You are frustrated at being interrupted .” “You were expecting a different outcome.” “You are sad that it’s time to leave the park.”

Connect with your child using your words, body language and physical contact. (validation, space, a hug, cuddle or removal from area for safety) Problem Solve with your child - how can we heal together? Investigate the feelings/needs of others. “How do you think our friend is feeling?”

How do you feel after resolving a conflict with your child? Do you feel defeated, angry, worn out or empowered, connected and loving? How does your child feel? Understood, loved, heard? You can tell if you are aligned with your authentic self by how you feel? Don’t be afraid to apologize to your child or “heal a disconnect” if necessary.

© 2011 TEACH through LOVE

www.teach-through-love.com

Documents

By, Lori Petro B.S.Ed. Certified Parent Educator The Kid ......Children need unconditional love, support and emotional guidance as they learn to manage and understand their frustration,