Bench SS11 Lookbook

The_Chronicles_of_Bench.The life and times of a Brand, anti-Established 1989.

Spring Summer 2011

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Bench. come up with ‘the idea’.Harvey Bench always took to heart the old axiom ‘Breed the best to the best’ when breeding his world famous ‘electrified house candles’.

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Bench. invent the side effect.Dilbert Bench was a bit of an outsider but he was also a very talented whistler – and it was his dedication to the art that lead to him developing an almost permanent pout. This rather attractive side effect led to him becoming a favourite of the cosmetic surgery industry, which was handy when the bottom fell out of the whistling market.

Finally, Bench. understand the universe.The idea that things might arrive from another planet and scare us into a panic was a bit of a surprise notion, seeing as it came from the serious double act of Barnaby and Mildred Bench: two cockeyed optimist / scientists who met and fell in love as they carried out research into hair growth at Aberdeen’s D’Tushe Institute. They came up with the concept of space monsters when studying micro-organisms on the bald head of an elderly patient. Gives you the creeps, but in a good way.

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Bench. invented kissy face.Some things never change. Even in olden times, just as in newen times, Bench. employees had to practise love-making with inanimate dolls before they were permitted to date real people. It’s a system that worked a treat then, works a treat now, and – if we could quote the great Bard himself – will work a treat in the future.

Bench. invented the diva.If there were one thing Balthazar Bench – wife of Bench. founder, Steve Bench – was famous for, it was her insistence on travelling with her entire wardrobe. It was later discovered that this was a ploy to secretise her drinking problem. When caught mid-swig once, her defence was ‘I thought this bottle was a lip-bangle’. She was laughed out of town and the whole sorry episode still rankles with her.

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After an unfortunate pogo-stick accident, Bench. Head of Innovation, Damonia Cortez, lost the ability to speak for three years in 1893. (Strangely, all three years occurring in 1893). However, this period was considered by soothsayers and shepherds alike to be the most fruitful and productive in Bench.’s history. During ’93, Damonia invented Morse Code, half of all written words, the language of love (hardback) and several gestures including the ‘Can-We-Have-The-Bill-Please?’ Sign for waiters, and the ‘I’m-Getting-It-From-All-Sides’ shrug, as favoured by self-pitiers.

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Bench. envisage the ‘retirement home’.Once upon a time, a beautiful princess started to feel sleepy quite a lot of the time. She was Miss Isadora Bench and she had been a disco queen since the age of three. Now, at just 22, the late nights and constant boogie bopping had caught up with her. And so she cleverly invented the chill out room, a place where she could have a lie down. We’ve all been there.

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How Bench. invented child psychology.In 1986 the whole concept of ‘Child Cultivation’ was but a pipe dream playing out in Horatio Bench.’s mind. Staying true to his Methodist-acting upbringing, he perched himself on that naughty step until technology and the powers-that-be caught up with him.

Bench. invent the basement.In a shocking break with contemporary trends, Bench. founder Leopold Benche decided to use stairs for travelling downwards as well as upwards. This increased productivity at his factory by 100% and changed the way jeans were designed forever. This breakthrough led to the invention of the basement.

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BENCH. DECIDED TO TEST THE

THEORY THAT IF YOU STARE

AT AN INANIMATE OBJECT FOR

LONG ENOUGH, YOU CAN SEE

INTO ITS SOUL.

THE EXPERIMENT WAS

ABANDONED QUITE EARLY ON

WHEN THE BENCH. CHAIRMAN

RAISED THE INTELLIGENT

AND VALID POINT THAT THE

CONCEPT OF OBJECTS HAVING

‘SOULS’ WAS RIDICULOUS -

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY –

SHOULD BENCH. AS A BRAND

EVEN CARE ABOUT ISSUES AS

TRIVIAL AS TIME AND MOTION?

BENCH. DECIDED TO TEST THE

THEORY THAT IF YOU STARE

AT AN INANIMATE OBJECT FOR

LONG ENOUGH, YOU CAN SEE

INTO ITS SOUL.

THE EXPERIMENT WAS

ABANDONED QUITE EARLY ON

WHEN THE BENCH. CHAIRMAN

RAISED THE INTELLIGENT

AND VALID POINT THAT THE

CONCEPT OF OBJECTS HAVING

‘SOULS’ WAS RIDICULOUS -

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY –

SHOULD BENCH. AS A BRAND

EVEN CARE ABOUT ISSUES AS

TRIVIAL AS TIME AND MOTION?BLEA 2734 FORT

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Bench. think up telepathic power (or at least we think we did).Sally Bench, one of the four original founders of Bench., was known worldwide for her ability to move inanimate objects by the power of her gaze. Although other women had previously managed this same achievement, she did it without the use of curses or magical creatures – a ground breaking advancement in telekineticivity.

Bench. discover the pigeonhole.It was in 2005 that Bench. truly could claim that it perfected the perfect pose. It was immediately named ‘Cool, relaxed but with purpose’ Other affectations for Bench. to tick off their list include the perfect smile, the command of English and the finer nuances of the slam dunk.

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Bench. set the bar.It was Gulliver Bench who first noticed that, by swapping the Liliputian sized shot puts for something a bit bigger, he could force people to start taking the Olympics more seriously. Naturally, the new size change was officially adopted by the League of International Shot Putters.

Bench. refuse to let romance die.Bench. was the first to delve into early experimentations with confetti. They finally perfected the appropriate size and shape in June, 1952.

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Bench. perfect over-confidence.The phrase ‘Stand Up Tall’ is a word for word translation from Bench.’s original pig Latin motto ‘Tand-say Up-way All-tay’.

Bench. create alternative culture.It was Dave Bench who had the idea to smash up guitars on stage. Unfortunately, he was told that the particular guitar he wanted to destroy was too expensive which made him angry and he wanted to smash it even more. To cut a long story short… he smashed everything else in sight.

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Bench. invent virtual reality.Only child Tim Bench is thought to be the first member of the Bench family to dally with the invention of shadow boxing.

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Bench. coin the phrase ‘mind your head on those taps’.Bench.’s early forays into safe sex led to the invention of the rubber gloves.

Bench. realised the need for ‘me time’.‘Queens get tired too…’ or so the famous song goes. It could’ve been written for 18th century Bench. starlet, Elizabeth ‘Eggs’ Benedict. She was a queen who got tired sometimes. We’re sure you know the feeling.

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Bench. conjure up the ‘happy accident’.Edwina Bench’s drinking problem escalated to such an extent by 1952 that she required a gentleman to keep her upright at all times. Luckily for her, she always fell into admirable poses and managed to remain ‘fashion’.

Bench. develop the notion of ‘burn out’,The ‘Mr & Mrs Bench’ title is one of the most viciously contested in the world. Winners have been known to never fully recover. 2928

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Bench. re-discover romance.During the swinging sixties Jane and Bollo Bench were the talk of the town, because, after a mind-altering trip to India, they announced that having opened their third eye they would never again look at anyone, or indeed anything else. For a short while they were actually not listening to anyone else either.

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Bench. fabricate the idea of ‘seasons’.The second King of Bench, Athelstan III, changed the polygamy laws entitling him to have more than one wife. The two wives were sworn enemies and so the King’s death inevitably led to a split in the house of Bench. Half of the population followed Matilda the Blonde and half joined Osburga Flamehair. These two factions eventually evolved into the spring/summer and autumn/winter collections.

Bench. conceive ‘the signature look’.Typically, Bench.’s invention of the hood has been misinterpreted by millions of people over the years. It was originally invented as protection from stray balls during Bench.’s annual Benchball world championships. Hilariously, star fielder and general crowd pleaser Skeet once used his hood to catch someone out, a moment immortalized forever in the film ‘Skeetwars’.

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Bench. experiment in ‘deep vein hypnosis’.This is an extract of Lord Bench’s unfortunate bout of extreme paranoia: ‘No father I will not. What was that? That’s unacceptable father. I don’t have time for this. Please leave me. Leave me… Leave me… Leave! Meeee! Yes I will have a piece of cake.’

Bench. define the term ‘passive aggressive’.Bench. founder Barny was forced to pretend to enjoy his wife’s love of play fighting, even though it actually really hurt him. He had her transferred to an overseas branch when it all became too much.

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Bench. reveal the ‘work ethic’.After the great fire of 1821 swept through the Bench. factory, all stock was lost except for the silver horn, which was recovered by two brave workers who re-entered the building. It is now considered lucky and has become the official mascot of Bench. clothing. To this day… if you stand outside Bench. headquarters at 9 in the morning you will hear the horn being sounded. It is played at this time to mark the start of the working day.

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Bench. invent science.Silas Phipher and John Humperdinck (no relation), the joint heads of Technology at Bench., just knew that their invention of gravity would change the world for the better. Unfortunately, due to ridiculous 16th century red tape and constant accusations of ‘That’s just an apple falling, that is’, gravity had to remain locked up in a Guthrie Jar for some 43 years. It wasn’t released until, well, 43 years later.

Bench. create ‘the mood’.Bench. coined the phrase ‘heavy handed’ which in turn led to the creation of the post tantrum ‘sit down breather’. 41

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Bench. invent ‘insider trading’.Who invented the mouse? No, not that mouse, the other one, the real one. The squeaky, little, four-legged one whose front door is in the skirting board. That’s right: it was Terence Bench. Concerned that his cat had nobody to chase, he came up with the mouse concept in the spring of 1982. Strangely, he invented the mouse-trap in 1981. Foresight, you see. Here he is, looking at both.

Bench. invent the ‘love/hate’ relationship.The famous conjoined twins Bubbles and Julian Bench were the first ever twins to insist on dressing in a very similar colour range. This was a bit of a weird one as they hated each other with a vengeance and even weirder because after ground breaking surgery to separate them they still checked in with each other everyday to coordinate their outfits, just in case they bumped into each other. 43

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Bench. propose the ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ concept.Interestingly, pockets weren’t developed until Didier Bench made his first trip to the Old World. Once there, he noted that the inhabitants of the land were ashamed of all their digits except for their thumbs. Out of respect to them, Bench. added pockets to jeans for the first time.

Bench. invent ‘playing-hard-to-get’.The Pap-Response Pose: so coined by Bench. Employee Of The Month June ’83, Karlheinz Goldstein, to describe the way one acts naturally when pounced upon by paparazzi. But the joke was on Karlheinz because: 1. ‘Acting’ and ‘Natural’ are completely at odds with each other, so it didn’t make sense; and 2. Paparazzi weren’t invented until the following year, so – again – it didn’t make sense.

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Bench. invent ‘invention’.After decades of dispute, the majority of experts now agree that Bench. were the first people to hold improv acting classes.

Bench. draw the line.The Bench Flasher was finally arrested and told off last year. We are sorry for any offence caused.

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Bench. suggest the presence of ‘things that go bump in the night’.Bench. branched out briefly into horror. The preface of its 1970 title ‘THE THING BEHIND THE BIG LEATHER CHAIR’ can still chill the blood.

Bench. devise the supermodel.The first baby steps taken by Lizadora Bench were awkward but also totally adorable. A real attention seeker, she continued to walk this way for the rest of her life, inadvertently inventing the ‘signature walk’.

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Emily Bench – Bench. CEO from 1782-1883 – was in her office minding her own business when all of a sudden a Moose head fell from the wall and hit her flush on the crown. Her memory was immediately lost. Ignoring her mother’s attempts at help (‘Where did you last see it?’) and her father’s straightforward suggestions (‘I could just tell you your name’), she tried retracing her steps, but that led her back to the mirror and a complete blank. Try as she might – and boy, did she! – the name just would not come to her. After a few fraught weeks, she decided to have everything she owned labelled, so’s not to forget again. She also insisted that every item of clothing she manufactured carried these labels. This was the first time anyone had put their name on anything other than livestock and so the practice became referred to as ‘Branding’. It was a phenomenon. People were coming into the shop asking for clothes with Bench. written on, despite them not being called Bench. themselves, for the most part.

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Bench. invent organisation.Contents pages were not to be found in books until February 1888, when Leon Bench had a Eureka! moment and declared “There should be contents pages found in books.” Not one to leave a Eureka! moment unacted upon, he flew into action. Today, we feel the benefit of his wisdom as we flick quickly – and without trepidation – to our chosen book section.

Bench. dream up heritage.‘Living in the sticks’ is a phrase generally thought to originate from the mouth of Geoff Capes, 1970s Shot Putter. But to the few in the know, it was actually from Bob Bench in the 1870s, in reference to his now-defunct hometown of Lipstench in Herefordshire. And there’s proof in an old poem somewhere.

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Bench. invent charisma, or was it animal magnetism?Actor Randolph Bench is credited with the creation of the thousand-yard stare. He said in an interview towards the end of his career that he had simply always tried to have eye contact with every one in the room at once.

Bench. invent the show stopper.Bench. successfully gave birth to the most famous rock star who ever lived. We can’t print his name, not for legal reasons but because we don’t like to name drop. There is a blue plaque outside the house where Jimi Hendrix was born that reads ‘Here is the sacred space where Bench. gave birth to Jimi Hendrix.’

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Bench. cook up vegetarianism.Designer Grant Bench’s Count Dracula-inspired spring/summer range 1981 predated today’s vampire craze by a good couple of decades. Interestingly, Grant never actually got into the whole drinking blood thing because he didn’t like the taste.

Bench. concoct the ‘rock out’.The Bench. prelude composed by child prodigy Leopold Bench (aged 4) is widely considered to be the most challenging piece in the accordionist’s repertoire. It is over 3 hours long and breaks the sound barrier on three occasions. The only man to have ever completed it went suddenly mad and refuses to talk about the event.

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Bench. create the pong!Big Rupert Bench, as he was known to his friends, had a very developed olfactory sense and almost inevitably his refined hooter led him to fame and fortune – as he invented the fragrance industry. His first parfum was called Flowers of the Valley. Slogan: You can almost smell it.

Bench. foresee the health industry.Bench.’s hypno diet was the most sucessful diet in the world for over a decade because it convinced its followers they had eaten. Everything was going swell until it emerged that the Bench. health retreats had still been charging for meals.

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EvErybody in thE bEnch. boardroom turned around and

saw the boss’ son Gary Bench chewing thoughtfully on a

pipe. Spurred on by the interest shown, Gary stood up and

moseyed to the front of the room to spout a bit of forward-

thinking. (This was the 1920s, mind: moseying wasn’t even

invented until 1955). He explained how ‘Sounds’ had been

growing in popularity ever since his ancestor Arthur Bench

brought out his first collection – which he called ‘Music’ – in

1796, and how people could listen to something other than the

wind for the first time. He also explained how another ancestor

Mary Bench had created a ‘Danz’ movement that was gaining

momentum down in Cornwall, involving spontaneous body

spasms. ‘Maybe’, he said, ‘just maybe… these two would go well

together.’ He was flying in the face of perceived wisdom here.

The recommended position for enjoying Music had always

been ‘seated’. And Danz was seen as a potentially lethal

activity if not executed in silence. But Gary pressed ahead.

He whistled ‘Sweet Clouds’ as a pre-prepared dancer jigged.

The merger was successful, and dancE music was born.

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Bench. develop camouflage.In a bid to dodge the draft during the infamous County Wars between Cheshire and Staffordshire, Jazzy and Don Bench hit upon the idea of designing everyday objects three times their normal size, thereby leading senior drafters to think they were in fact small children. They also melted clocks before Dali but more on that next week.

Bench. make major advances in the area of good intentions.During prohibition, Bench. employees smuggled over one million bottles into the town of Swindon. The bottles were all empty and the actual prohibition was happening over 10,000 miles to the west in America, but still… Bench. can say that at least it did something.

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Bench. invent the double take. Did we tell you that?Bench. really understand body language. In fact, we wrote the only officially recognised book of body language. Body language is our middle name. The pose below translates as ‘Is your goat still tethered?’

Bench. invent hidden meanings.Bench. really understand body language. In fact, we wrote the only officially recognised book of body language. Body language is our middle name. The pose above translates as ‘I would like you to attempt to fix my broken pan handle.’ 69

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Bench. invent modern typography as we know it.Jose Bench came up with the ransom note in 1970. Before then, people were kidnapping each other alright, but nobody was putting any thought into the accompanying literature. A few newspaper cuttings with different typefaces later, the RN was borne. On Jose’s birthday, fans wear tape on their mouths to show their gratitude.

Bench. cultivate the myth.In the later part of the 18th century, Edith Bench created a wonderful scandal by announcing she was again to sever her connections to the upper classes and live off the land. This she did until the ripe old age of one hundred and three (with the help of her 67 gardeners and 23 personal assistants).

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Bench. develop The Strop.It was a rather theatrical member of the Bench. dynasty, Rose Petal Bench (or Roz as she later insisted) that refined the art of being awkward from her early teens right into her twenties. Often moody, sometimes truculent and at times even sullen, she didn’t tell anyone what she was up to for years. Then after a bout of obstreperousness her mother discovered a series of elaborate notes on the subjects of ‘sulking’ and ‘defiance’. And so adolescence was born. Naturally both parents were very proud.

Bench. invent luck.The best thing that ever happened to Frank Bench, the acclaimed hypnotist, was marrying Beatrice von Hyman, a member of the extremely wealthy Austrian aristocracy and a confirmed sex addict. That, and his ability to hypnotise.

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Bench. encourage the squabble.Hollywood Studio bigwigs threw their weight around like nobody’s business in the early 1970s. And usually won. But all that was to change on September 31st 1971 when director Geoff Bench held strong and said ‘No, I don’t want to call my debut road movie ‘Silly Rider’, I’m going with this one instead’, and he pointed at it.

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SALES

PRESSINTERNATIONAL HQ ENQUIRIESEmily [email protected]+44 (0)161 276 3944

CANADALaurie [email protected]+1 514 448 2606

CROATIAKarmen [email protected]+38 521 380 255

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SPAIN/ANDORRA/PORTUGALAmaia Garmendia [email protected] +34 650 470 888

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Bench SS11 Lookbook