Awakening to Consciousness' - Sandra Heber Percy

Sandra Heber-Percy

Awakening toConsiciousness

SAI TOWERSPUBLISHING

Concern in Love

A JA JA JA JA Jourourourourourneneneneney fry fry fry fry from selfom selfom selfom selfom self to Self to Self to Self to Self to Self

Copyright © 2008 Sandra Heber Percy

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or inpart, or transmitted in any form, without written permission from the

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Published bySai Towers Publishing

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Tel : +91 (0)80 2845 1648, 2845 5758 Fax:+91 (0)80 2845 1649E-mail: [email protected]

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset in 11.5 point Garamond

ISBN 81-7899-056-3

Printed in India by Vishruti Prints

Dedication

Whenever the writing happens,

these fingers move,

yet

‘there is no one to write at all.’

therefore no one should claim copyright.

We all have started by banging our head against

a closed window panel,

trying to go beyond with effort

without realizing that the main door was wide open

and there was no need of effort at all and nothing toattain.

This was the leela God enjoyed most.

If anything may be labeled as mine, My gratitude islimitless

Thank You Lord.

The outpouring of gratitude is this humble

offering in the form of a book.

v

Awakening to

ConsiciousnessA JA JA JA JA Jourourourourour neneneneney fry fry fry fry from selfom selfom selfom selfom self to Self to Self to Self to Self to Self

The predestined meetings with contemporaryawakened ones who have realized they are nothing lessthan the Absolute Brahman, cannot but bring the joy ofpeace and gradually make the veils of Maya disappear.When the awakened ones happen to appear in your lifelike thunderbolts, such meetings are preordained andrepresent the highest boon. They are reflections of ourown Self showing us a way of using new concepts, as athorn is used to take out another thorn. This is in order toremove the old embedded concepts and conditioningsthat have brought us to their feet in utter confusion. Allthese reflections of the Divine Energy have their allottedrole to play, in order to re-condition our attitude towardslife in a rhythmic Cosmic Waltz, Siva’s Cosmic Dance, theleela of the Paramatma, the Source, who is ready to reveal“Itself” to “Itself” as the jiva, the individual soul and cannotbe anything different. When the understanding dawnsthat the individual soul in reality does not exist (at all) asseparate, and (it) is not at all ‘individual’, the Cosmic Waltzbecomes an expression of gratitude and peace thatenlightened sages call ‘Suka Shanthi’, the joy of peace thatcannot be “experienced” as the ego. The ego, which is the‘experiencer’, has now dissolved in the fire of acceptanceof not being the doer.

The awakened ones know instantly what the ego of theperson in front of them needs, I believe they scan the mind,

Foreword

vii

going into its deepest nooks and crannies, into thevibrating cells to identify immediately the need of the hour,or see the drama Consciousness has authored. Some ofus are ready and open up instantly by the boon of grace,others cling to old patterns a little longer. Just as a stoneto split it, may need to be hit either by 50 strokes, or one,according to the programming and the intervention ofGrace into which one has finally woken up to byquietening the mind.

The enlightened ones may be compared to the stillnessof a lake or a clear mirror where Consciousness plays therole of the enlightened one, the Master or even GodHimself, dispelling the doubts of another speck ofConsciousness playing the role of the confused seeker towhom Consciousness, as the Unbroken Whole, wants togive deeper understanding.

This book was not meant to explain to what degree ofenlightenment all the world masters, saints andenlightened sages I have met, have reached. You maybenefit from a small or huge ray of the Divine, but youcannot explain the divine leela playing hide and seekwith “Itself”. The play goes on in the Cosmic womb andConsciousness activates Itself, in order to experienceexistence. The Absolute Principle, the Noumenon, cannotknow ‘It is’, and therefore manifests itself as asuperimposition on Itself. Even more difficult tosummarize in a few pages, is the Ultimate Truth and themessage that all Realised Beings give, because words aremere concepts and useless tools to describe Reality.

All I wish, is to humbly share the rare pearls of wisdomI was given by these great ones through the teachings Iwas gradually destined to receive. To tell of the lessons,the tests, the insights and the direct or subtle guidance,that brought me out of the illusion and delusion I wasmired in. How I perceived them, in my attempt to purifymind and heart, how I stumbled, how I giggled in all theseyears, when all the efforts gave no results, yet how a simple

glance would lead this stubborn child to a glimpse of purehappiness, to a tiny droplet of inspiration and the deeppeace each step guided by Intelligence, Wisdom and LoveItself, brought me to.

What is the result of this long divine soap opera? I mayencapsulate the answer in a few words: “I know nothingand there is nothing to know, nothing to attain: it is allGod’s leela”.

The intention of this small book is to show the imagesof a film the Source has directed, played and acted in thisriver of life. How it happened that Sandra was guided tochange the rough course of life, the mammoth task ofpushing the current upwards, so that in time it would findits way back home, by first hopelessly trying to understandwith the mind and, then by an insight, an intuition in theheart, that we are all that awesome Principle of Truth andalready one with that Ocean of Love, and how it thenhappened that I gave up all attempts to search further.

To share how the Divine Energy has lovinglyreconnected me to one of the sweetest reflections of theParamatma, the Oversoul, Sri Sathya Sai Baba; to theenlightened saints, the loving yet strictdisciplinarian and world renown Kriya Yoga Master,Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, the neutral and briefappearance of an enlightened Avadhoota and a rareenlightened Sage that finished the game of the seeking,Ramesh. S. Balsekar. All, with no exception, had a role toplay in the understanding and unveiling by offering thetools, the example, unsullied and unconditional love, anddeep insight, so that the profound non-dualistic teachingscould eventually seep in, to flow faster towards realizingmy own blissful nature. To share how I experienced thatthey are all One with the Supreme Divine Energy, aloofchannels of pure supreme knowledge, with nodistinctions, but only interconnected Oneness, asConsciousness is all there is. All acted the necessary partthey were allotted to play; all explained the very same

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Part One

Truth, using different terms. What made their teachingsappear different, was only my level of understanding.

Our life’s journey is a pilgrimage that’s always goingfrom one sacred space to yet another sacred space andthe very road that we are all traveling on between thesespaces is also sacred. No matter what our life looks like atthe moment, we are always standing enveloped in thereassuring amniotic liquid of the divine womb.

If any target at all exists, it is to awaken from thedelusion of being separate from everything else.

PS: Do forgive me: while writing this introduction I justremembered, after many years what my grand mother usedto say: “Don’t ask monks and Saints about enlightenment.One question only leads to another, as after all, not evenGod can explain God. A saint isn’t any closer toenlightenment than is a sinner. The only differencebetween them is that a saint knows this while the sinneris still pretending that he doesn’t.

But now it is too late! I was not meant to understandher advice. Just giggle with me.

Contents

PART I

8.8.88 The First Appointment....................................... 1Years Go By.................................................................. 7“So Happy To See You” ............................................... 15The Power of Look ...................................................... 18Himalayas .................................................................. 22The Jyotirling and Patal ............................................. 25This Marriage Must Work ........................................... 31Can One Ever Abandon Him? ..................................... 36The Dark Night of the Soul ......................................... 45

PART II

The Boon ................................................................... 53The Day of Initiation .................................................. 59Kriya Yoga Intensive Program .................................... 66The Trip to Miami ....................................................... 70Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi ........................................... 78

PART III

This Was Not The End ................................................ 87The Odyssey Continues ............................................. 98

xix

The Avadhoota ......................................................... 106Dayanandaji’s Story ................................................. 116Melting All Confusion in the Fire of Knowledge ....... 121The Inner World Reflects on the Outer One ............. 127

PART IVThe Final Harbour: Advaita

The Happening of a Meeting..................................... 131The Highest Understanding ..................................... 140Wisdom Piercing the Heart ....................................... 154The Last Blow to the Coconut ................................... 179

PART IVWhat are We Talking About?

Sages ....................................................................... 187Stages of Consciousness .......................................... 194A Few Hints on Advaita ............................................ 203The Keys .................................................................. 208Confusion ................................................................ 215Who Created the Ego? .............................................. 221Effort or No Effort? .................................................... 227

APPENDIXProfiles & Flashes on the

Advaita Masters Mentioned in the Book

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj :A Profile ........................... 235Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile ................................ 257Wei Wu Wei -Terence Grey: A Profile ....................... 276

Books Referred ......................................................... 287About the Author...................................................... 289

Part I

xii

1

“After long searches here and there, in temples and churches, onearths and in heavens, at last you have come back, completingthe circle from where you started, back to your own soul, to findthat He, for whom you have been seeking all over the world, forwhom you have been weeping and praying in temples and churches,on whom you are looking as the mystery of all mysteries, is thenearest of the near, is your own self, the reality of your life, bodyand soul.”

When I first landed in 1988 in Bombay, the humid heatenveloped me and almost left me breathless. It seemed towarn me it was better to jump on another plane back to myown country, Italy, or I would get entangled and trapped.I hesitated for a few minutes, but then I felt somethinglike a hand pushing me from behind and, with uncertainsteps, saw myself reach a taxi, watch amazed at five portersfighting to load one suitcase in the back of the car, andthen reach the domestic airport for the Bangalore flight.

Why had I decided to come all alone to India? Did Ireally know what was in store for me? What for sure I didnot know, was that India was where I would eventuallylive for many years to unsettle my life, my patterns andeventually aim at controlling the mind, gradually slowingdown my attachment to thoughts and even spiritualconcepts, to find that deep peace and joy I had beensearching and longing for since I was born.

8.8.88 The First Appointment

C H A P T E R 1

2 3

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

In the early hours of the sultry morning, Bombay waswaking up and strong smells of spices mixed with the smogof heavy traffic pollution reached my nostrils, huge eyesof smiling children met mine and their innocent joy wassuch a “welcome home” for an unknown inner part of mybeing. Who, what was rejoicing?

I was on my way to Puttaparthi to verify if what I hadread about Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba in books, couldactually be real and if so, make sure I was not going tomiss such a rare and unique opportunity.

While waiting for my connection to Bangalore, anelderly Indian couple came and asked if I was going tosee Sai Baba and, if so, to join them and travel together asthey felt a lady should not travel alone. How sweet andcaring are traditional Indians! I accepted their consideratehelp as the protection sent by the invisible hand of theLord and felt more secure in their company. I had plannedto sleep and rest in Bangalore before moving on toPuttaparthi, but they insisted it would be better to get ataxi and go straight to the Ashram, so I joined them. Thelandscape all along the trip was so beautiful and thecolours of the earth all tones of reds, browns and grays;huge trees gave shade to the road for kilometers, but whenwe arrived in Andhra the scenery dramatically changedinto a warm yellow red desert with soft hills or abrupt rocksreaching up to the sky, as hands held up in prayer. It wasoverwhelming. I broke the silence asking my new friendsif they had already met Sai Baba and with greatenthusiasm the husband told me his story:

“We live in London where I work as a journalist and,ten years ago, I was sent to Prasanthi Nilayam Ashram towrite an article on Sri Sathya Sai Baba. I then did notbelieve in Sai. On the second day of my stay in the AshramI was called in for an interview and Swami told me. ‘ Doyou remember when, during the war, you were in Londonto finish your studies and you had to interrupt your workevery night, as you all had to go in the air-raid shelters?Do you remember that evening, when you felt you werewasting your time and decided not to move from your

house and went on studying till an officer knocked onyour door and ordered you to vacate and join the othersin one of the air-raid shelters? That night your house wasbombed.’ And then Sai Baba added:

‘I was that officer.’In that very moment I knew Sai was the all-knowing

pervading Divinity, the Avatar of this age. Since then ourlife has changed for the better and all we have, all we are,we owe to Him.”

Did I need to hear this? Well, yes. It is so difficult forhuman beings to recognize the Divinity in what simplylooks a human being walking amidst us all! It seems soincredible and, for a western mind, even more so, as theconcept of Avatar is so far from our culture. How are we tobe sure? In one of the books I had read that Sri Sathya SaiBaba simply had said: “Come, witness, experienceyourselves.” So, this is what I seemed to be on the point ofdoing, but how this recognition would then entirelychange the course of my life, I then did not even fathom.

At the Ashram accommodation they grudgingly allottedme was a fifty centimeters space in a shed and there I hadto watch my reactions and adaptability. That very sameafternoon I went to have my first darshan of Sri Sathya Sai,sat for hours in lines and then on soft sand in a beautifulspace right in front of a pink, pale blue and creamMandir…. in that stillness under the scorching sun oneonly heard the loud chatter of the hundreds of crowsnesting in the nearby trees. We all waited and waited, andit seemed a sacrilege to even move one’s body. The mindwas slowing down its noisy presence till it filled with peace,as when you arrive home after a long period travelingaimlessly around the world. Then even the loud gossip ofthe crows suddenly stopped, the leaves of the trees rejoicedfluttering sweetly in the breeze, as if greeting someonethey all loved and I felt an elevating silence in all the cellsof my brain and body. When I opened my eyes I saweveryone stand up. Still spaced out, I inquired if darshanhad been postponed, but they told me it was over, Swami


4 5


had already come out, walked around all the darshan areaand then back in the interview room with a group…and Ihad not seen Him! Where was I while He was givingdarshan? Was His light too powerful for my eyes to see?Was my mind steeped in such darkness that I could notsee His form? Later in the years I received a reading fromthe Shastri in Bangalore, the Shuka Nadi palm leaf reader,where he stated that the karmic physical encounter withSri Sathya Sai was predetermined for the 8.8.88 and notthe 7th. (as I had previously planned before meeting theIndian couple who had convinced me not to stop for thenight in Bangalore.)

This is only the first of a long series of hide and seekgames I would have to play, first with the form and later onwith the formless, but it took time to learn it was a gameand that the fun was playing with love and no expectations,with the enthusiasm and simplicity of a child, with noconceptualizations, with no over structures of prejudices,no projections, never judging, always adjusting andaccepting whatever happened as the very best for thispersonality and its dissolution into the pure awareness ofthe atmic reality.

In those days, at five in the mornings, the devotees usedto walk three or nine times around the Mandir, where SaiBaba then lived and slept. This was just before theSuprabatham - the song devotees sing to wake up the Lordof Parthi - and Omkar – the recitation of Om 21 times. Isimply watched and did exactly as the others were doingeven if I did not understand what it all meant.

One morning, while circumambulating around thetemple I saw all my life as a film. Slide after slide, instancesI had long forgotten came clearly back as coloured picturesin my mind, so that I could acknowledge the opportunitieslife had offered me and the opportunities I seemed to havemissed. Irrepressible tears rolled down and with thesesilent tears, I seemed to wash away all memories as if theyhad fulfilled their task and now, had become useless.

At darshans, after the first breathtaking impact, I wentthrough hell as I felt Sai Baba as a total stranger, totally

unconcerned by my presence on the hot sand, under thescorching sun and my numbness of feelings was in suchcontrast with the general exhilaration of the crowds thatrejoiced with His sweetness, love and attention that Ialmost felt out of place and incredibly hurt. It did not occurto me, then, that it was me who was far away from Him,still so absorbed in the material world running after allmy crazy mind’s suggestions, desires attachments,preferences and expectations that were creating so muchresistance, so much noise and such an infinite distancefrom my inner Self.

On my very last day I had the possibility to sit insidethe temple, while the students were singing bhajans,devotional songs, to Sai who was sitting in front of us. Iwas sitting first of the line and squatted right in front ofHim. The devotion and the rhythm of the bhajans meltedmy entire being. I was focusing all my attention on Hisoutstretched feet, trying to impress them in my memoryso that, once back at home, I could hold on to them inhumble prayer when, all of a sudden, I felt His lovingpiercing look. I looked up and our eyes met for the firsttime. His eyes were an ocean of love and filled me to thebrim with His compassion. I was spellbound and engulfedin sweetness. He smiled as if He had always known me. Iinwardly prayed. “ If You are Who You say You are, pleasemelt my heart. If You are, please give me steady faith.” Thensomething happened which is difficult to express in words:an incredible flurry of sweetness, love and understandingpervaded my entire being. Hot honey was delicatelygushing out of my heart chakra, which was burning andseemed to have expanded, vibrating forcibly. There wasonly the deepest unfathomable, awesome love.

The bhajans now had a fast rhythm as if the devotionwas on the point of exploding with a bang, but then Saistood up and swiftly disappeared to receive Arathi underthe veranda. I was still feeling hot sweet honey, like lavafrom a volcano, pouring out of my heart. I looked at ShirdiSai Baba’s picture and it seemed to wink happily at me.The temple was pulsating with devotion, love and peace.


6 7


“Every day ruminate over your experiences. All the differences you findin the world are only reflections of your mind. Whether you love someoneor hate someone, or ridicule somebody, they are all your reflections only.”

Those around Sai Baba often reminded me: “Whateveryou see in others is a reflection of your own problem.”

Oh! How much these eyes have seen! How much I hadto change! Now that 14 years have rolled by full of lessons,pitfalls and battles, joys and tears for great moments atHis feet when He would change the issues to work on andgive love for the little efforts made, now I may say I knowwhat He meant when He said He was the best dhobi(laundry man) and that He pounded us on the rocks tomake us clean.

But how did I happen to jump on that plane that landedin Bombay?

Let’s go back to 1987.

It was a Sunday like any other Sunday of the year. Itwas my 41st birthday. I thought I was happy and fulfilled,

Years Go By

C H A P T E R 2Being very grounded and practical, I tried to dismiss theexperience telling myself it was some strange menopausephenomenon …but it continued even when I came out ofthe temple, it went on and on for hours and hours. Theonly thing I could do was to press a cushion against myheart in order not to miss one drop of that bliss and sitstill, eyes closed. Then, out of the blue, I realized I had nomore doubts and that, since I had walked out of the temple,the knowing was there, not in my mind, but in my heart. Ifelt He was and had always been my inner Self projectedon the outside, in a concretized form. I had felt His lovewithin my own heart calling me back to the Source, to myReality. Within a few hours I just accepted His Reality ofbeing the extraordinary Incarnation of the Divine as Hehad reflected Himself in my inner Self and was vibratingin my heart. The leela of one single look!

Next morning I bowed in front of His bedroom windowwith body and soul. The body returned to Europe, but tome it seemed that the soul remained there on the sand ofthe Mandir, under His bedroom window. For two long yearsI was unable to come back to Bharat.

A few months after my return home from India, myhusband died and the responsibilities towards the fourchildren and my job tied me back. All was difficult, butalso that period soon ended. I did everything patientlydetached and felt alive and vibrant only when I could gowithin and recall that same feeling experienced insidethe temple again and again. That was my meditation; Iknew no other technique. When tears tried to find theirway, when I seemed to miss His loving form, I would readone of Sai’s teachings I had pinned over my bed as areminder:

One attains freedom by conquering desires, not by running away from one’s duties.

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While reading the books I kept asking myself. “What kindof trap is this? How can it be? Is it true?” Six months wentby and then the day dawned I felt I could not ignore anylonger the magnetism of that slim figure in orange, so Iwrote to Him a letter asking His permission to come to HisAshram in India. After a few days the vibhuti made thepacket explode and the ash was all over my bedside tableand bed. Did I need any other answer? I went to an agentand bought my first ticket to India. I was impatient toexperience what He really was, but at the same time astrange melancholy filled my heart, and there seemed tobe a part of me resisting the entire idea. The personalityhad invested so much in creating and nurturing its falsesecurities that it seemed to lift its head up making a greatnoise against this trip. Stepping on that plane to India, onepart of me had the awareness that it was a one-way ticketwith no return and was delighted, but the other part feltthe impending danger of losing all the certainties knowntill then and that it was a leap into a void. This is how Iarrived, totally unprepared and split in two. How Sai slowlybecame the most important part of my life is such a longprocess of experiences under His loving guidance, fromwithin and without, that it would be too long to write themall. I will only try to evoke the course of the main action.

During my first period in India, I have often askedmyself if I were crazy, but this folly was giving me suchjoy, such happiness and peace that I loved it. Still, if youdo not mind your thoughts, things happen and, believingI was a bit crazy, I started meeting all crazy people. Of all,I remember one of them who really made me laugh. Oneday a lady knocked on the door of my room asking forsome medicines, as she believed herself to be allergic toPuttaparthi water and was therefore covered in pimples. Ihanded over what could help her and, instead of leaving,she then sat down and told me she was Gandhi’s secretaryand that the police was running after her, but she had toinform Baldo in Rome otherwise he’d be waiting for her at

but when I looked out of the window into the empty skythat Sunday, I felt as if I were looking into a life void ofmeaning. Fear and panic, unknown up to that day, piercedmy heart. My head was throbbing and I was gasping forair. At the peak of a career, a family with ups and downs,but still lovely children, a beautiful house and all whatone could ever dream of, how could I stare into a life voidof meaning? Cramps started in my tummy and all thelunch had to be thrown out.

A strange fierce feeling of dissatisfaction had crept inuninvited and I had to face it. Where to start? What did Imiss? What was the root cause of this abysmal sense offrustration that had just got hold of my entire being? Theanswer arrived directly from a knowing within, similar toa voice coming from the heart. “What have I achieved sofar? Do life’s gains and losses, successes and failures haveany value? I have not yet discovered the real sense. I haveno spiritual goals, no real faith.” What an appalling andshocking revelation to discover that all I had strived for,actually had no value and to realize it out of the blue, juststaring out of a window. I heard my voice cry out loud. “Iwish I had faith! Where are you?” And then fell asleep,exhausted to be woken up by someone ringing thedoorbell. I looked at my watch and noticed it was alreadyseven in the morning. At the door there stood my bestfriend, my cousin who had just come back from a trip toIndia. He looked tanned and very thin; he simply said: “Iknow you are ready, read these books. Use this ash to healyour heart.” I stared at him numb, he was a psychiatrist,loved me and knew me well, but how could he have hadsuch a timely intuition! He went away leaving in my handstwo books and a packet of soft gray ash, which had a slightsmell of jasmine that from the books I learned was calledvibhuti. One of the books was Sai Baba, Man of Miraclesand the other one The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist. Thisis when and how the greatest laundry man took over myentire life as, at last, I had called on Him and His duty, asHe says, was to respond immediately.

Years Go By

10 11


consciously let the Lord draw the number and, when Isaw it was number 25, which was the last one, I told myselfit would have been far better if I myself had drawn it,without allowing Sai Baba to mess up my chances! Butafter a minute the sevadal told me to stand up as first line,I objected I had number 25, and she surprised me sayingthat morning they had lost number one, so line 25 wasgoing in the darshan area, first. I felt so ashamed to havedoubted!! That lesson on surrender was never to beforgotten!

I reached for the first corner seat, in pole position, andwhen Swami came, He said: “Italy, go.” I reached the littleroom, which for me was Vaikuntha, the heavenly abode,in a state of wonder, awe and elation. When we all sataround Him, Sai stood up from His chair, came right infront of me and…smacked me on the cheek, ordering:“Don’t be sad.” Then stepped on my little toe and affirmed:“Make Me some room, I want to switch on the light,” andHe pressed my little toe as if it were a lamp switch andthere was the most incredible bluish-white light flashingfirst in my forehead and then in all the body. In the stillnessHe had plunged me in, no one else existed, but Him. Istared at Sai in attunement, ready for even another blow,as the love I felt was overwhelming. I received permissionto take my first padnamaskar, well aware of the sacrednessof the boon. At the very end, Sai turned pointing His fingertowards me, and shaking it, as if I had done somethingvery wrong, He gravely said: “I want to see you tomorrow!!”During the entire interview I couldn’t utter a single word,my mind was empty and so incredibly calm, I felt spacedout and, such a state, from then onwards, I would describeas being “on cloud 9”, a very special cloud where nothingexists any longer. Such events and even greater ones arewhat the majority of the thousands of people had and stillhave the grace to experience, when in His Presence. Butwhat were we to learn from His message is a totally differentstory. It was an uplifting task that had no end. During this

the airport missing his meals. I made no comments, justlistened, and assumed Baldo was her husband, but after along incoherent story, she added that one day Baldo hadwoken up asking for new clothes, as it was getting cold.Therefore she had gone to Prenatal, which is a store forbabies’ ready to wear, so I assumed Baldo was her son, butthen she told me she could find trousers, sweaters and anice coat for him, but not 4 identical shoes all the samecolour and size. “Why four?” I asked. She lookedbewildered and, in a matter of fact tone, she said Baldowas her dog and, if I would excuse her, she had to leaveme as she had to go and ring him up and then fly back toRome. I wondered how the Energy of Life was going to guidethat lady safely back home, but in the years I saw her againand again so, she must be the Lord’s ‘robot’, as her mindsurely did not allow her to travel from Italy to Bombay,from Bombay to Bangalore and from Bangalore to PrasanthiNilayam all on her own.

During my third trip to India in1991 Sai Baba was inWhitefield. Darshans saw the devotees sitting under thebranches of a huge tree and Sai would walk out of HisLotus-shaped house and walk towards us very leisurely,in a real slow motion. That tree has now been felled, but itwas such an intimate, warm nest of love for all of us whenbhajans were sung sitting at His Lotus Feet. That year Iwas called for my first interview. How I was called wasquite extraordinary too. That year, during my stay in theAshram, I was pondering over the meaning of surrender. Idid not clearly understand what I had to surrender. Wasit the feeling of being the body and the doer? And, if so,how to disidentify and how to be sure the Lord would reallytake care? Baba came to my rescue with a very sweetexample. That morning I was sitting first in the ‘pre-darshan-lines’ and I was to draw the number of my line,when the sevadal offered the little bag where we had todraw the number from, I heard a strange new voice fromthe heart say: “Let it be My hand, not yours.” So, I

Years Go By

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Hospital? I was not a doctor, I was a fashion designer. Iflew back to Italy and, in my mind, planned to come andstay only in a few years’ time, but as soon as I went back tomy job, I was aghast to discover the company I was workingfor was getting ready for counterfeit bankruptcy and askedfor my help to cheat all the suppliers. Appalled, the verynext day, without even thinking about the consequencesof being without a job, I resigned.

That night I went to bed praying Sai to enlighten me onwhat to do and where to find another job. Swami appearedin my dream and simply told me: “Now, come.” And weboth danced a waltz in the sky.

I was taken aback as in my limited view of dharmicbehaviour I thought I had to find another job and be withthe family for a few years more. Instead, I saw myself packup again and go through the pain of trying to explain tothe children what I was going through. Some understood,others didn’t. My heart was bleeding for their shock, but Ikept my attention only on His advice. I tried to fix thefamily as best as I could, closed all what was in my namerenouncing everything in favour of the children who were,by then, old enough to look after themselves except oneand, after only two months from that interview, in earlyNovember 1993, I was back in India. As I arrived, Ihappened to read Baba’s thought for the day:

“Without a sincere desire for liberation, listening,studying and contemplation are mere arts. Masteringan art does not lead to the highest goal. A weak desirefor liberation is useless. A transient desire arising fromhearing about the glory of reality is not desire. It isexcitement, only a momentary curiosity. Such amomentary curiosity is not sufficient to inspire a personto make a sincere effort for attainment. To attainliberation one needs intense desire for liberation.Intense desire motivates an aspirant to whole-heartedpractice. Such motivation and unlimited courage to

first apex-encounter Swami had given a short spiritualdiscourse on the mind that was to be treasured andpondered over many times, in the years to come:

“The mind is a bundle of thoughts. Look at this peaceof cloth: it is made of threads. If one by one you pullthem out, no cloth remains. Similarly with the mind. Nothoughts, no mind. The nature of the mind is restless,just like a rat whose nature is always to nibble atsomething and just like a snake whose nature is to bebiting at something. The nature of the mind is to beoccupied. Even when still, like the feathers of apeacock, there is a shimmering, an apparent movementin the mind. Like the aspen tree, even on a still morning,its leaves seem to tremble and move. It is the nature ofthe mind to dwell upon things. So, the proper methodto deal with the mind is to make it dwell on the Lord,good thoughts, good deeds and the repetition of theLord’s name. In this way the mind’s natural tendencyto be occupied will be fulfilled and it will keep out ofmischief. The mind is the mischief-maker; it jumps fromdoubt to doubt; it puts obstacles on the way; it weavesa net and gets entangled in it. It is ever discontented asit runs after a thousand things and away from anotherhundred. Take up the task of training it into an obedientservant; it can be educated if only you learn how to doit. By constant practice and training, it can be directedtowards the Om and taught to merge with it.”

These last words of my first interview have been theendless, leitmotif of my quest.

The next day He did not call me again, but the years tocome would see me many times in and out of that specialroom, till one day, He told me to stay as He wanted me towork in …something like a hospital. I asked Him if Hemeant right away and He simply opened His arms saying“Anytime. Come.”

Years Go By

14 15


“So Happy To See You”

C H A P T E R 3

The day I first sat for Darshan, I had a surprise I couldnever have anticipated or desired in the wildest of dreams.I was feeling particularly grateful to be back home in Sai’sMandir, to be able to stay and enjoy the bliss of being inHis uplifting presence. It seemed to be the fulfillment of avery blessed lifetime. All the family worries had magicallydisappeared from my mind. All of a sudden, I saw Swamicoming, His smile was like a thousand rays of sunshine,His hair a soft crown of vibrant Oms; He greeted me saying:“When did you come back? So happy to see you again!”My heart was beating fast and there seemed to bebutterflies playing a great game, as it was rolling in hugewaves of joy and love. Words could not find their way out,so atmic tears expressed my ultimate experience. Thebomb of love I received in those instants was beyondanything I had ever experienced and it filled me up. How

“Remember: Nothing happens without My will.”

“carry through” is called absorption in sadhana. Suchdesire is sparked when one realizes that everythingelse is trivial compared to liberation.”

What was the practice I had to do? Was I to be alonefacing this enormous task? Who could then guide me? Aprayer surfaced from within: “Lord, give me a guide, aspiritual guide, to reach the goal. I do not even know whereto start from.”

The waltz began.

16 17

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS “So Happy To See You”

to ask for; I closed my eyes feeling so small, like a drop ofwater waiting to merge back in the security of the ocean.Then He opened His arms and I heard His voice affirm: “Ilove you,” with the most unimaginable sweetness. My heartmelted. I closed my eyes and felt strings pulling my brainand my entire attention a little over my head, a goldenspace where only God existed and we were one. Suchfeelings cannot be explained in words, words come fromthoughts and thoughts from the mind that cannot graspthe vastness of unconditional Love. The assurance of God’slove was like a balm for the soul. This was really aninconceivable welcome back. I walked out of that interviewwith very high fever, though when I had walked in, I wasfeeling perfectly well. Never in my life had I had such highfever and diarrhea! It knocked me out for over a week. Iwas boiling, quivering, fainting and so dramatically sick.During the delirium I had the most unbelievable, lucidhallucinations with pyramids, brahmins, priests,archbishops, Tibetan Lamas, caves, pujas, yajnas,countless swamis and, of course, Sai in all of them. Whenthe pullout or, as the devotees call it, “the purification”ended, I was five kilos less and with no strength at all. Butthat was not all I had to go through.

It was only the beginning.

could the Lord be happy to see me? He had walked away,but then leisurely turned back, side glanced at me anduttered again that charming two letter word that in theSai world is so dear: “Go”.

How I reached up to the veranda of the Mandir, I do notknow as my legs were simply like jelly. Sai ushered us allinto the interview room, He Himself switched on the fanand then looked at us for a long time. What did He see?How I wished I could see with His own eyes! He bent Hishead backwards and with one hand made that familiargesture of raising our energies. We all sat in great silenceand spellbound; we could almost hear each other’s heartsbeating. He seemed to be absorbed or somewhere else.

On one of the walls there is a dramatically kitsch cuckooclock that, each time I am in that room, catches my eyeand makes me tenderly smile, even does the orange plasticmarket bag He uses to distribute vibhuti at the end of eachinterview. The little bird came out of the cuckoo clock andsang his “wake up” call to bring us back to earth. Swamimaterialized various objects and gave them to some of us.I had to translate for some Italians focusing my eyes inHis, till they were literally brimming and burning withlight. Then He knocked me off my heels asking: “What doyou want, Sir?” I turned round to see if there was agentleman sitting behind me, but there were nogentlemen. I was not ready; I hadn’t prepared any requestas I was not expecting an interview, but knowing oneshould not waste the opportunities He offers, as they maynot come again, I timidly whispered. “Your love, Your grace,Swami.” He pretended not to hear my words saying: “Eh?”mimicking that He may not hear me well. He made merepeat my request three times and, each time, I had to raisemy voice showing determination. In the end His commentwas: “Oh! Is this what you want?”

For long moments I felt suspended in time. Sai turnedround, reached His chair, sat down and intensely lookedat me. I felt as if I were naked and feared I had asked fortoo much. I wondered whether I deserved what I had dared

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practical Sandra succeeded in surfacing, it was a tragedy.There was I, locked up in a room for three long months,not understanding where I was heading to. Was this theworking in something like a hospital Swami had talkedabout? It was like traveling in a foreign country without amap, without knowing the language to ask for informationand without even knowing where the road wouldeventually lead me. It was all quite baffling. I felt as liquidas water, as hot as fire or as thin as air. I saw that all wasjust an illusion of forms and roles, but couldn’t grasp whatwas left. Was this what they called ananda?

All the models and concepts I had known up to then,became unsuitable references. After one month ofisolation, one day I felt quite grounded, so I went fordarshan. I found myself in a first line and when Sai cameHe gave me one of His deep looks while asking once more:“Where are you from?” Staring into His huge deep eyes, Ifelt as if He were delicately pulling out one layer of skin,just as they do with rabbits before cooking them. Iunderwent the treatment hoping He would set me rightback to normal. Then I heard that “Go” again. Once in theinterview room He asked what I wanted and I had to repeatthree times: “Constant integrated awareness” and He said:“I will help. How are you, Sir?” and as, when one is at HisFeet, one cannot be but happy, I naively answered: “Verywell, thank You”, but He shook His head saying: “You arenot” and smacked me in the middle of the eyebrows whereI felt a blast of light explode. I trusted He knew exactlywhat I needed and how much I could handle, but thatreally put me off for another two months. Even those twomonths soon came to a close and I discovered how sweeterthe world was, as I was so peaceful and loving, but soonhad to realize that I had an enemy, constantly andinsidiously trying to pull me and split me from that lovelyplace of Oneness and the perception of the eternal present.I would hear the voice of my ego-mind trying to bring myattention to financial issues, fears, worries and falseresponsibilities. The old identity was there trying to regainits place and I still had attachment to some aspects of thisfalse self. For many years, I would have to shift from one

The Power of Look

The Power of Look

C H A P T E R 4

“Don’t try to understand,Relinquish the imperative to understand.Leelas are My sport, just be a witness.”

Soon after that “cleansing” I was sitting as usual waitingfor Sai to arrive, it was afternoon as the sun was on theright side of the Mandir from where Swami would appear.The music started and He slowly walked gliding throughthe gate covering the sun with His body. Then, from Hiseyes, I saw two spirals of light come out and enter minecausing a blast inside my cranium and a flood of lightflaring out from the top of the head. I had to walk backhome eyes closed and feeling dizzy and then face threelong months of a very peculiar unbalanced state. It wasalarming, as I did not have a clue to what I was goingthrough. I held a japamala in one hand and imagined tograb Swami’s hair with the other hand and went throughwhat I could not avoid. I intuitively knew I was releasingall the energy blockages in the body and each time Irelaxed a delicate sweet madness made me swing and rockin bliss for hours on end. Every time the grounded and

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stressing with this diarrhea-lesson. They soon transformedtheir behavioural patterns into loving respect. A year laterone of them was called in for an interview with me and,when she asked Him if she could stay in Puttaparthi too,Swami turned to me to ask if I agreed! That was His lastloving touch to impress the lesson.

At the end of March it gets hotter and hotter in SouthIndia so, in 1995 a friend and I decided to go up to theHimalayas. I needed some rest, a pause both from theteachings and the heat.

The Power of Look

identity to the other, as actors change their costumesbackstage to take up a second role.

In two other interviews I had the opportunity to verifyhow the Teacher worked. During both I was translatinginto Italian and Sai was giving a short spiritual discourse.During the first one, at a certain point, Sai Baba repeateda teaching I intellectually knew by heart, but that for sureHe wanted to impress deeply and indelibly. He was saying:“When you are chopping vegetables in the kitchen, areyou the knife? No, you are the Master. Similarly the bodyis the instrument. You are not the body. As you are notthe body, you are not the instrument. You are the Master.You are the ATMA” His pronunciation of the word ATMAwas so different from what I had imagined it, that I had totell Him three times I had not understood what we were.Three times I had to ask: “Eh? What are we Swami? I donot understand.” And He would repeat “You are the ATMA.”Looking intensely at me in a very mischievous way till, inthe end, He even pretended to be angry and beat me onmy hands just like a teacher does with a very bad student.It was so funny that we all laughed and even Swami waslaughing. Months later, during the second interview, Herepeated exactly the same teaching, watched me carefullywhile I speedily translated, giggled and winked at me. Imust say that these flashing seconds of intimacy openedup my heart to Him as my sweetest and best friend.

In another instance He showed, to the letter, what Hemeant by: “Respect your mother. How can you love God ifyou do not love and respect your mother?” My daughtershad come to Puttaparthi and had obviously ‘fallen in love’with Sai, but they were always discussing their mother asmany western youngsters do. I would pray to Sai to put anend to it all, intervening on their hearts. The girls werelonging to have an interview, but Sai really was very harshon them: the only morning, after two months of their stay,both of them were ‘strangely’ forced to skip coming fordarshan and remain at home, due to dramatic bouts ofdiarrhea. That very morning He called me again…andalone! The girls were so shocked that they saw theirbehaviour and very quickly learned what Swami was

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secluded Ashram. Mesmerized, we inquired if one couldstay a long period there, but the unusual answer wereceived: “If the mind is not disciplined you may profitlittle by a stay in this Ashram or in Rishikesh or Kailas,”honestly made us look at ourselves with concern and somesadness, but we saw the wisdom and the love with whichit was given and the truth it was underlining, so we wereparticularly grateful for the surprisingly important lessonconveyed. It seemed that, out of Sai’s energy field, awayfrom the highly charged atmosphere of His Presence, themind crawled back to the old patterns as if the habitsingrained in the unconscious mind were still too powerful.I was still attached and deeply identified with thesepatterns, our deep-rooted vasanas, and as long as Iregarded the world as real, they would recur and hauntmy efforts to still the mind. I wished to learn how to detachfrom them, but I knew no technique.

A few days after we arrived in Rishikesh, we met a groupof Sai devotees at the Lakshman Jhula little restaurantand they were all going to visit the Shiva Caves in PatalBhubaneshwar, four hours from Almora. They told us howa Sai devotee had discovered these caves guided by somespecific Sai dreams and how these caves were describedin the Skanda Purana as the abode of Shiva. I didn’t trustone word of the story, but my friend agreed to meet themthere in five days.

Meantime we decided to follow the course of the HolyGanga and the Alakananda between tall rows ofmountains. India has benefited of a Golden Age when therishis, who had conquered their senses and lived uponroots and fruits, spent their time in the solitude of theforests steeped in meditation and, for countless centuriesmany saints followed their example and practiced tapasin these valleys. It is due to their tireless effort that Indiahas become renowned all over the world, as the land ofspiritual wisdom. I wondered if such Masters still existedtoday and the desire to meet them, learn from them andbe in their holy presence and satsang became poignantand recurring in my heart. I wondered how these desiressprout as my friend who had shared the same traveling

Himalayas

C H A P T E R 5

We flew to Delhi and then by train to Haridwar and wentthe last 14 miles by taxi to Rishikesh. We settled in SaiBaba’s Ashram at Lakshman Juhla bridge and the verysame evening went to sit on the rocks overlooking MotherGanga watching sadhus and a few pilgrims sing devotionalsongs to her, take a dip in her sacred waters and then sitsilently and utterly still for hours and hours. The silenceof the evening hours was broken by the sacred sound of aconch in the far distance that reverberated caressing theswift flow of the Ganga and, was absorbed in the cells ofmy memory bank as the holiest of sounds ever heard inthis lifetime. Next day, we visited a holy spot calledNeelakanta seven or eight miles east of Rishikesh. The waywas through thick forests, dark green with the rich foliageof bilwa trees and rhododendrons. Herds of elephants stillroam about these woods and the place resounds with thecries of wild peacocks and monkeys. There we saw a small,

“Today, man is like a horseman riding two horses at the same time. Heaspires for the Divine, but also yearns for worldly pleasures. He forgetsthat the Creator contains the creation. Forgetting this truth, he goes afterthe phenomenal world, regarding it as different from the Divine. He isfoolish like the man who cries for ghee while having milk in his hand, notrealizing that ghee is latent in the milk”

Himalayas

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The Jyotirling and Patal

C H A P T E R 6

A scientist asked: “Why pray to rocks?” and the sage answered: “God iseverywhere so, why not honour Him in the rock?” Then the scientistsaid: “ But a rock has no attributes.” The reply of the sage was: “Thenwhy do you honour an attributeless flag as a symbol of the country?”

On the way to Patal Bhuvaneshwar we stopped inRameshwar, one of the most sacred places in theHimalayas, at the confluence of Ramganga and Saryu. Itis said that, here, Rama installed a Lingam to perform apuja to Shiva and, from this holy spot, Rama left forVaikuntha with His physical body.

We bathed half dressed in the ice-cold waters and, whileswimming, I noticed that under the water there werehundreds of skulls mixed with the stones and they weregently rolling with the strong currents. Dismayed I cameout and the pujari of the little temple explained that sadhusstill come here to abandon the abode of the body as thebelief is that one reaches liberation if the body is shed insuch a sacred place. When we told him we were headingto Patal he casually commented: “Visiting Patal cavesgrants the boons equal to visiting all of India’s sacred

experience denied ever having had any other thought, butof some good spaghetti, a loaf of bread or a real Italian pizza.I giggled and out of my suitcase came a tiny electric stove,some Italian spaghetti and a little tin with basil and oliveoil. That night we really appreciated the little comfortshidden away in our suitcases, as after all we were notsadhus.

In those days while I was reading Sai Baba’s discoursesof the Seventies I came across this passage and smiledabout the knowledge Sai had of human nature and Hisdelicate sense of humour that made me love Him evenmore!

“Yesterday, while returning from Ooty, we halted atBandipur Wild Life Sanctuary. Riding on a tameelephant, we moved into the forest to catch a glimpse ofwild elephants. Imagine! Sitting on an elephant we wereseeking elephants!! When we caught a glimpse of atrunk in a bush, we were overcome with delight. Sittingon a tame, domesticated elephant we were eagerlysearching for an elephant in its natural surroundings,unaffected by artificial habits and skills. Man, too, iseverywhere ignoring the God within himself, in itsnatural environment and trying to seek the shadowsthat attract him.”

Sai Baba

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as the tiny Ashram was already full with the other friendswe had met in Rishikesh.

To go up to the room, we had to climb up a bambooladder. The room had no commodities and smelled of cowdung. I opened the shutters of what seemed to be a door,hoping to find a toilet, and almost fell out, as that was onlya window. The toilet was out in the fields. I had a flash ofSai giggling at us and I wondered how we could manageand what did we think to gain from such an experience inthe recesses of the Himalayas. The name of the tiny Ashramwas “Garuda Nilayam” (eagle nest) and, the name in itself,may give a picture of where we had arrived! A few shychildren were hiding behind doors scrutinizing us and,when they found the courage to talk, they asked for SaiBaba pictures. I was amazed His name and fame had spreadup to that remote village and, happily, gave the ones I hadwith me, so that in the evening they could sing bhajansand perform their little puja to Sai in a tiny recess of thekitchen wall.

At five next morning the village temple bell rang andthe mantras echoed in the entire valley. Waking up in suchan atmosphere made each movement slow and sacred. Sothat we could wash we were shown to the common tap, alittle far out from the village. Suddenly, all of the childrenran inside their homes. We looked down the slope andsaw a slim tiger fleeting through the bushes. I stood therewith my toothbrush suspended in mid air, totally numb.

After a hot chai we asked the pujari to take us down tothe caves, explaining everything, as we were ready for theadventure. To descend, one had to slide down 30 metersholding on to the rocks, as if one was going back into thewomb of mother earth, in a “rewind mode,” a very weirdfeeling and a very difficult task for untrained people likeme. Half way down I wished I had never started the descent,but my way out was blocked by others following after me.At the same time I was laughing at myself, as on the wayto the entrance of the cave, just a few minutes before, theyhad told me the story of a young man from Poland who didnot yet know Sai. One day in desperation, he had decidedto take 50 pills to end his life, but when he dozed off, he


pilgrimage centers. After such a visit, there is no need foryou to visit any other holy place.”

We proceeded to Jageswar Temple where there are 108lingams and one of the rare 12 jyotirlings existing in India.We were informed that the one here in Jageswar was theoriginal matrix of the other 11 that were placed in the mostimportant sacred pilgrimage centers. Trees wereembracing the ancient temple located in a narrow valleyat the foot of a mountain, totally isolated from the rest ofthe world. It was so secluded, so beautiful and breathtakingthat we hardly felt like speaking and I mentally comparedthis silence to the ever-crowded temples I had visited inSouth India. We were allowed in the little temple of thejyotirling and to bow touching it with our foreheads, whichhad been previously smeared with kum kum and haldi. Apujari was worshipping the jyotirling with the ritualingredients, while the vibrations spread by the sacredchanting of Vedic mantras filled the temple and ourbeings. The sacredness was tangible and moving. Whenwe left, the typical sound of the temple bell, “Din-din, don-don, din-din, don-don,” echoed for hours on end in myears and the sweet melody of how arathi is sung in thatpart of Uttar Pradesh and, in particular in Garhwal, is stillhumming in my heart.

After hours in a Jeep on very steep roads, meeting withrisks at every bend, we reached Patal. The small villagewas hidden half way up the mountains with a wonderfulview over the valley. We were very near the Nepal borderand Nanda Devi, one of India’s highest peaks, was lookingat us from a distance and half hidden by the clouds wecould see Mount Kailash, the sacred mountain, coveredwith eternal ice and snow. The few houses were nestledamidst huge and dark fir trees; some of the villagers werejust then returning with their cows from the fields,repeating, “Sita Ram, Sita Ram, Sita Ram,” and it was allso rarefied with deep mysticism that I thought we hadstepped back into a different yuga. When they saw us theycheerfully came to help with the luggage and offered aroom on top of the buffaloes’ stable, the only room available,

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extravagant shapes of the stalactites and stalagmites. Morethan recognizing, it was the golden light and theatmosphere that kept us all spellbound. But it was so coldand damp! Our feet glided over the wet mud and we had tohold on to one another to reach down to the very bottom ofthe cave where there was the Shivalingam. We all satsilently and, after some minutes of silent meditation nearthe Shivalingam, some of us shared with joy their visions.I had had none, but enjoyed the puja at the bottom of thecave. The Shivalingam had three heads representingBrahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Drops of water, from abovecontinuously fell on the three stones as if performing anatural and eternal abhishekam to the Trinity. We all sangbhajans and silently climbed up again and then back intothe warm sun. My skepticism was shattered that same nightby a dream where Sai confirmed that Patal Bhvaneshwarreally was extremely sacred and even made me remembersome previous dreams where He had foretold me aboutthe caves He would lead me to visit.

Most of us remained in Patal for some days meditatingin the caves or enjoying the rhythms of that secludedvillage and the peace of a mysteriously enchantingatmosphere. In the group with us there was one of thedoctors working in Sai Baba’s General Hospital, DoctorBudwar, an exquisite elderly gentleman and great devoteeof Baba. When we all commented our experiences orlingering skepticism he added: “Before booking for the trip,we asked Swami’s permission and He agreed. If Baba hasmade us come here, there must be a reason. We are alreadyso lucky to live at His feet, but this must be an extra giftwe needed.” His wife was well over 70, she had also comedown the steep passage to the cave with the help of twoyoung strong men and she told me: “I feel most blessed. Ido not need to understand.” I loved their trust andsurrender.

I took the opportunity to write a small book on Patalwhile I was there, so that it could be of information for theItalians coming to India, but I was told that our visit wasone of the last ones as, after a few months, the caves wereagain closed to the general public. When the book was


had a vision of Sai telling him: “No, no, no!! This time youwill not die. I am here in your stomach eating the pills.Come to Me.” So, as if He could be in the stomach of awould-be devotee, I was sure He was also in that long,steep and narrow underground passage holding my feet,so that they would not slip.

The local pujari family had been the guardians of thecaves for over 800 years, daily performing pujas to theShivalingam at the bottom of the cave. He informed us thatin the Manaskhand of the Skanda Puran, Veda Vyasadescribes in detail all the celestial beings that live in PatalBhuvaneshwar and that, as Patal is mentioned in theseSacred Scriptures, Patal must have existed during SathyaYuga. He told us that in this Sacred Scripture there iswritten that the caves were discovered by Rituparna, kingof Ayodhya, and that, when he walked inside, he foundhimself amidst the nagas and their king Adishesha whogave him the divine sight to see the celestial beings thatcome here to adore Shiva. The description given by theSacred text goes on saying that these caves were on sevenlevels, but that man could only visit the first one. On onelevel lived all the rishis; at another there was king Bali’skingdom; and at a level there was the Savitri cave wherenot even the devas were allowed in as, in the center ofthis cave, there was the Maha Yoni with a central Mahaling. The Scripture also says that Sheshanag told KingRituparna that all that existed in the universe is createdand maintained and then dissolved in this Maha Yoni andthat was where the universe originated and where it willdissolve. Here, in these caves, Shiva lived withBhuvaneshwari, Parvathi. It seems that Sheshanag alsoprophesized to King Rituparna that he would have beenthe only human being allowed to visit the caves. Forthousands of years they would have remained closed andunknown till the day when a divine hand would guide asoldier to rediscover them. The person who had broughtthem back to light, only three years before, was a manenrolled in the army and a Baba devotee. The pujariexplained all the details of the caves as Rituparna saw themand we were to recognize all the celestial beings in the

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This Marriage Must Work

C H A P T E R 7

“It is God’s plan that is being worked out through man, but manprides himself that it is he who is working for it.”

Meantime, I thought I had met what seemed to be theright companion for a life aimed at proceeding on thespiritual path. Swami had even called the two of us alonefor a personal interview, and had blessed the marriage.Then and there it had appeared as a great boon, but itobviously resulted in another lesson. In the months thatfollowed I would often recall how, in the second room,where He granted private interviews, He had embraced us,saying He was so happy to see us and pointed out to me:“This marriage must work!” Unfortunately I took Swami’swords to the letter and tried to play the role of the wife asbest as I could, even when all hopes had already crumbled,and never thought, not even for a minute, they could havehad any other meaning.

When, after a few months, I realized how very fragileand unbalanced my husband’s mind really was, it was

ready I waited for Swami to give me a clear sign whetherto publish it or not. One evening, after bhajans were over,while going back to the Poornachandra, Swami startledme by literally taking the book from my hands andcontinued walking back to His residence holding it firmlyin His hand.

A few days later, while I was enjoying being once againin the sacred cozy nest of the Mandir, Baba came andmaterialized some vibhuti for me. As I thought Hematerialized it when someone was sick, to understand ifthere were other reasons, I searched for the meaning ofvibhuti materialization and read Baba’s explanation witha little apprehension.

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When steadfast eyes are horrifiedthe first glance of the silent setting sunI am comforting youTHINK OF ME

Then you ask“How will I know when you are near Me?”When the burning sunhas scorched you and the earththe sand and dust fill your eyesnot a sliver of shade aboutAND YOU LOVE ME.

When loneliness is accompanied by hungerand not one can be satisfied andYOU LOVE ME.

When your lips are cracked,your tongue feels like clay,your throat seals up,there is no water aboutnot even a mirage in sightAND YOU LOVE ME.

When you hold a dying childwith eyes pleadingAND YOU LOVE ME.

When I stir an ocean to a crescentyou flounder in its depths like a leafAND YOU LOVE ME.

When I take from youyour most cherished possessionon the first loss of your sightdarkness envelops youAND YOU LOVE ME.

For everything you see, hear, smell, taste ortouch belongs to Me. So, how can you give toMe what I already Am, but your love? AndTHAT I gave to you before time began, as yoursole possession. When you return it to Me,

too late. He thought he was a realized Master. Hispresumption grew day by day and, when I ended in noteven listening to him, he would hide in his dream worldfor most of the day, where he could reign as the supremeguru number two. Soon, we were sharing a battlefield andnot a house. I was so aghast at my lack of discriminationin the choice of a husband that I did not have the courageto look at the mess I had attracted into my life, but at thesame time Swami’s words “This marriage must work,” kepton ringing in my ears and I could not even dream of gettingrid of such a madcap.

“How will you know when I am near you?When on a sultry nighteverything is hot and stillthe first cool breeze brushes your cheeksI am caressing youTHINK OF ME

When the pangs of hunger are satisfiedand loneliness is pierced by happinessTHINK OF ME······

When your mouth is parchedand you can hardly speak,the first sip of cool waterI am soothing youTHINK OF ME

When the cloud of death disappearsfirst on the opening of a baby’s smiling eyesTHINK OF ME

When I sprinkle your face with rainand wash the earth and the dry brown leavesthe first smell of clean rainI am cleansing youTHINK OF ME

When pain dissolvesand fear disappearsTHINK OF ME


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way that my forehead was touching His knees. Itfortunately took Him a very long time to fasten the tinyclip, so I remained still, in bliss, with Baba’s armsembracing me, while His fingers fastened the clip. WhenHe had fastened the japamala around my neck, my mindwas blank, but later, I wondered whether He was actuallyfastening a collar to keep me in check…. but in thatmoment nothing mattered, as I was once again on“Cloud 9.”

Understanding that Sai Baba has to cleanse even themost inner recesses and intricacies of our mind, pullingout all the stuff we have stacked in there, in this lifetimeand in many others, in order to burn it, makes us acceptwhatever He knowingly makes us go through, even if itcauses the deepest suffering, as He has to set us free fromall our desires.

Maybe, when we will arrive at the end of this preciouslifetime with Him amidst us all, as the Charioteer, we willfully realize and appreciate His accomplishments. My owntheory is that each of the seekers He has called to His Feet,in His hospital, is a prototype and, by working on eachone, He transforms the world.

I am ashamed to confess that while I was going throughall this, I would sometimes look at His picture grinningand, for a year, did not even want to see Him any longer.Only, now, after so many years, I can sincerely say:

“Thank you Swami, the marriage has worked.”

then I will know you are truly mine and I willdissolve your sorrow and happiness into MeThat…being Me, I will place you in blissforever. For I love you and think of youconstantly.

From your most lovingFather

I prayed and wrote letters to Swami asking His consentto separate, but He was ignoring me completely. So, thissituation went on for some time till, one day, I found thecourage to say it was over and, with absolutely nopermission, send him back to his family who, only then,finally confessed he had already been in various mentalclinics before we had met.

Two days after having packed him back to Italy on aplane, Swami called me for an interview. I trembled inpanic. As soon as He came in the interview room He askedme “Where is your husband?” I thought He was going toshout at me, so I answered in a very low voice that I hadsent him away. To my utter astonishment Swami said:“Very good. Now what do you want?” In that very momentI realized that, when I came to live in Puttaparthi, therestill lingered, at the back of my mind, the unspokenthought that it would be so much easier to proceed on thespiritual path together with a spiritual companion!Suddenly, I saw the reason why I had to go through allthat mess!! The great Sad Guru had had to burn even thathidden desire matching me up with the most difficultpartner existing on the planet! I bowed at His feet, tookpadnamaskar with humble gratitude. Swami repeated Hisquestion: “What is it you want now, Sir?” And, while I saidtotally certain: “Only You,” our eyes met and twinkled. Ina second we were both giggling: we both knew the battlewith such common human expectations and desires wasover. He had won once again. He was so happy that Hematerialized a most beautiful gold japamala saying: “GoldJapa for you, very happy.” He Himself put it around myneck and even wanted to secure the clip. I was kneelingin front of Him, so He made me bend my head in such a


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and felt regenerated by the silence and nature at its peakof beauty. As such an enchanting place was only an hour’sflight from Bangalore, after having pondered over thischange of life for some days, I felt prompted to come andlive in Kerala, as it would allow me the possibility to enjoyseclusion and, at the same time, to go and see Sai Babawhenever I wished.

I eventually went back to Parthi to pack up mybelongings and send them by truck to Kerala. Friends kepton telling me I had to ask Sai’s permission to leave, but asthis seemed to me illogical, compared to His teaching tobe Self-reliant, we ended up having interminablediscussions on the topic. Why should one ask permissionif from the heart the Self had prompted the decision? Whyalways ask the concretized form of our same Inner Self forwhatever decision one had to make or a blessing for theones one had already taken? Who was I, after all? Wasn’tthe teaching of going within before taking a decisionsufficient? Nobody seemed to agree with me.

The day before definitely moving to Kerala, though Ibelieve myself to be almost transparent, Sai found the wayto call me again for another interview. When in front ofHim, I felt very Self-reliant and simply informed Him I wason my way to Kerala. First there was silence…then I sawwhat one could describe as a stern “Shiva look” on thepoint of destroying the whole earth and said in a mind-blowing fierce tone: “Bad girl, why Kerala if I am here?Bad girl, bad girl!” I dared answer back: “Swami, I do notunderstand. You are not only here, You are everywhere!”But His eyes became like fire and reduced me to asheswith what looked like an angry: “Shut up!” I felt as if insideglass was breaking in my chest. It was an inner earthquakeand I felt annihilated, but remained cool, calm andcollected in a corner of the room hoping the nightmarewould soon end. When at the end of the interview, He washanding everybody the precious packets of vibhuti, I liftedmy hand up, but to my utter dismay, I saw Him brisklywithdraw from me saying: “ No. Not to you, bad girl!” Iwalked out crushed.

Can One Ever Abandon Him?

C H A P T E R 8

“Find the real chamber of your being and enjoy the world like a king,not like a beggar. The helplessness in you, which has made you abeggar, disappears and you find an unshakable shelter in yourown Self.”

As soon as the little drama was over, I felt the need of arest from the pressure and decided to take a holiday andwent to Varkala in Kerala for a break. Wherever you turnedit was so lushly green, compared to the dry desert of AndhraPradesh, so beautiful to rest one’s eyes filling them withthe dew of the most exuberant tropical nature. When Iarrived on the cliff it was sunset and eagles were playing,chasing each other right over my head, the palm leavesfluttering joyfully in the sea breeze as if welcoming me. Igazed at the immense Indian Ocean and felt such anexpansion, such freedom and peace! Some dolphins wereplaying, diving in and out of the soft waves accompanyingthe fishermen who, in simple huge tree trunks hollowedout to contain a maximum of two people, were going outto sea for the night’s catch. I turned round and there wasa fisherman’s small hut, which looked abandoned. In aday or two I had rented it. I remained there for a few weeks


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I didn’t understand the message right away, as I stillfelt a great pain inside. Deep within me I knew I had takento the correct path of expansion, but it hurt. So, I thoughtSai was like a lover who, in the beginning, smiled, wassweet and understanding, till He had you safelysurrendered at His feet, but then with time, betrayed youdispassionately with great lessons to verify if you hadgrasped the teachings and, when He saw you in distress,came with presents to make peace. But I was still too upsetto make peace with Him.

During that year I visited many Ashrams and had theopportunity to meet many Teachers. I went to see Amma,She embraced and cuddled me, even asked me to sit atHer feet while Her darshan continued, but I knew She wasnot my teacher, so I left it at a simple visit, to a hug and allmy respect for the beautiful, compassionate mission Shewas so selflessly carrying on in the world. I felt the samefeeling of respect for Aurobindo and the Mother when I satnear their Samadhi, but knew they were not meant to bemy teachers, though sitting in the Matrimandir for a shortmeditation had left me numb and I admired how theAuroville community had been organized. I had theopportunity to meet Ramesh Balsekar, but I knew he wasnot meant to be my teacher. I had met some other Swamis,but none had the spiritual spark that could attract me.With none I felt peace and inner joy. I had met DzogchenRinpoche in a monastery near Mysore, but felt not inclinedto stay on, though the atmosphere was so elevating andthe teaching so interesting.

The Ashram where I really felt comfortable was RamanaMaharshi’s in Tiruvannamalai, at the foot of Arunachala,the sacred Shiva Mountain. His teachings went straightto the core of my being. I would sit for hours on end aroundthe big open well or walk up half way to Virupaksha cavedwelling on their meaning. Some I could not grasp orretain completely, but the ones I needed to absorb in thatvery moment stood out in golden letters:

“You are awareness. Since you are awareness there isno need to attain or cultivate it. All that you have to do is

I went on reviewing the scene in total distress, but aninner part of me knew He was only pretending to be furiousand that it was a test. I had been dwelling on the issue ifwe had to always ask the form and here I was facing if Iwere to follow what my heart had prompted me or give upthe Kerala plan and stay in Puttaparthi, as the words ofthe form, I so much loved and trusted, seemed to suggest.It was very difficult to make a decision, but eventually Ifollowed the promptings from the heart and left.Interestingly, all the people present at that scolding inthe interview had understood Swami had said “beggar”and not “bad girl” and that really made sense, if linked tothe issue of asking the form. Still, it was a major step inmy growing process. The baby had to become an adult.The weaning process from the attachment to the form, Iwas so devoted to had started. From outside, He waskicking me inside, and from inside, He was pulling mewith unrelenting strength. But it hurt.

When I arrived in Varkala and they unloaded from thetruck a huge Sai picture, I picked it up saying: “You havehurt me too much, for the moment, I do not want You inmy house!” I left the picture outside under the monsoonheavy rain. The only Sai devotee I had met in Kerala,during the previous weeks, lived 200 kilometers away, inAlleppey. Guess who was at my doorstep next morning?Yes, that very devotee was there, standing under the rain,with a huge parcel under his arm. When he said he had apresent for me, I instantly knew what it was, still Iunwrapped it to verify and, there, was the sweetest pictureof Sai in a white robe blessing with both His hands up.Pretending to be bewildered, I asked why he had comefrom that far to bring Swami’s picture and he told me: “Youshould know better than me. Last night Baba came in mydream and told me ‘Go to that Italian lady in Varkala andbring her a new picture of mine’.” I saw the devotee glanceat the crumbling, soaking wet old picture of Sai lying in acorner of the garden and then he stared at me in silence.I felt so awful that I could have dug a deep hole under myfeet where to go and hide!


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me, or the teaching had seemed too easy for theconceptualizing mind that I had not practiced it. Actually,the simpler the teachings, the more difficult they are tofollow and stick to. So, this was the practice I picked upfrom that day onwards, thanks to that gentle reminder atthe foot of Arunachala.

I understood that conceptualizing did not help to absorband experience the spiritual truths, that there would be aday that bhakti would open up the road to the SupremeKnowing in the heart, as only the heart could lead me toperceive the Love I truly was. My sadhana was to relinquishthe attachment to any other thought different from God.Furthermore I surrendered all my efforts in the hands ofthe Supreme Power. I had learned there would be a momentwhen effort and grace would meet and all would berevealed in the heart. All I could do was to be open, keepingmy pots turned upwards, towards that Loving Power, inorder to be ready to receive the grace.

I am still grateful to a very old Ashramite who, when hesaw me, ‘automatically’, stack up a pile of books on thecounter of the book store, came to my rescue and, as hewas observing silence, simply opened a book and, withhis finger, pointed to the following teaching of RamanaMaharshi:

“As far as reading so many books on Vedanta, you maygo on reading any number of them. They can only tell you‘Realize the Self in you’. The Self cannot be found in books.You have to find it out for yourself, in yourself.”

Out of the stack of the 12 books I had already chosenand intended to buy, he picked out one and made meclearly understand that it was sufficient to buy only thatone. The book was Who am I. That an Ashramite in chargeof selling books in an Ashram would advice to leave 11books and buy only one was anyhow so extraordinary andso stirring.

I left Tiruvannamalai to return to the silence of the cliffoverlooking the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean wherein silence I could enjoy the now. Love and the presentwas all there was. After a few months in Varkala, the well

to give up being aware of other things that are not the Self.If one gives up being aware of them, then pure awarenessalone remains and that is the Self.”

It was so soothing to sit for hours in the room where Heused to teach absorbed in silence. All over the Ashramone could still feel the Presence of one of the most gloriousJnani the world had come to know of. There I deeplyunderstood that nothing, nothing really mattered and thatwe already were what we were looking for. If yousurrendered the notion of I and mine, all that remainedwas the Reality.

I loved the satsang I attended one afternoon andrecorded in order to imbibe it: “All responsibilities arebeing carried by the omnipotent power of a Supreme God.So, why should we always be planning: “We should do thisor that.” Knowing that the train carries the entire load,why should we, while traveling on a train, suffer bycarrying our small bundles on our heads, instead of leavingit on the train in order to be happy and carefree? Thereare two ways of achieving surrender. One, is looking intothe source of the ‘I’ and merging into that source. The other,is feeling ‘I am helpless myself, God alone is all powerfuland, except by throwing myself completely on Him, thereis no other means of safety for me’ and thus graduallydeveloping the conviction that God alone exists and theego does not count. Both methods lead to the SupremeGoal. What is bhakti? To think of God. That means onethought prevails to the exclusion of all other thoughts.Bhakti is the mother of Jnana.”

This satsang immediately brought back to my memoryan interview I had had in 1992 where I had asked Swami:“What about my son and his gambling?” Sai had lookedup in the air as if seeing the scene of the horse races andthen stated: “You do your duty. Your duty is to only thinkabout God, think that you are God and you will becomeGod. Leave all the rest to Me.” I had surrendered all myworries, but only after this satsang, did I really grasp thatHe had graced me with the direct personal spiritualteaching most appropriate for my frame of mind. Maybe Iwas so complicated and confused when He had advised


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Puttaparthi was changing. It was becoming crowded andvery noisy if one had to live outside the Ashram. So, dueto the two dogs I now had as faithful companions, I startedsearching for some land. One day some friends took me tosee a coconut grove, behind the Super Specialty Hospitalthat made me feel as if I were in Kerala, but at the sametime, physically near Sai Baba’s Ashram. Next morning,when I went to survey the land, I got in the car and, whenI was on the point of driving past the Gopuram gate of theAshram, saw Swami coming out in His car right in front ofme. I followed Him from Prashanthi Nilayam up to the BigHospital. What a thrill to drive following the Lord’s car!Then I saw Him turn round and go back as if He onlyintended to accompany me there. I believed it was acoincidence, but next day same thing happened again,Swami’s car was in front of mine as I drove to sign a pre-agreement. In nine days all was settled and in five monthsthe house was ready. The coconut grove was a great gift, itwas so secluded and peace and silence were all thatexisted there, but it also had in store a great teaching.

I had always had two great fears: one of snakes and oneof scorpions. The first year I counted 55 cobras and 25jumping snakes in the garden and 3 in the house! Not onlydid I have to look carefully where I was walking, but theywere also jumping down from the coconut trees and Isuspiciously had to look both up and down! Man can getused to anything, so as soon I did not fear the snakes anylonger, they all disappeared, but huge big black lobster-size-scorpions started to materialize from nowhere. Oneevening, I was taking a shower and I saw one of these lobster-size-scorpions appear at rocket speed, its tail up, ready toattack any intruder. There wasn’t much I could do. Not beingdressed, I couldn’t call for help. So I started to talk to theLove that linked us both and, astonishingly, saw the littlecreature bend its head, as if listening to something it liked,lower its tail, do something like a funny bow, and disappear.Now I have no fears and the garden is safe.

I had to follow each step of the construction, facing somuch stress. Eventually, I had to go through non-diagnosed malaria and typhoid for three months. I was so

of the hut collapsed leaving me without water, thieves brokein and stole almost everything, the neighbours blockedall the roads to my house and obstacles seemed to multiplyevery day. So, believing these were the ways of the Avatarto call me back to Puttaparthi, I packed up again and, withtwo female puppies I had saved from sure death, went backto Prasanthi Nilayam, the abode of peace.

After that year of absence, the quality of the experienceat darshans was completely different. I was peacefullydetached and absorbed in love. One day I was again askedto be part of a group and translate. We were eventuallycalled for an interview, exactly a year later from the lastdramatic one, where Sai had been shouting at me. I walkedup again the three steps to the veranda of the Mandir. Myheart was beating fast when I saw Sai coming near us; Helooked so aloof and vibrant at the same time. In that veryinstant I wished there could be another God to pray to formercy and to make Him be soft with this child of His. Couldthere be another One? He pointed a finger at me and said:“Translate.” Then He started a spiritual discourse saying:“Why do you come here if I am everywhere? I permeate theuniverse with a thousand eyes.” I stared at Him in utteramazement, then I couldn’t help giggling; He knowinglygiggled in recognition and then proceeded. I translated,but I do not remember anything of what He said thatmorning. I was so happy. At the very end of the interview,I even took the courage to clear all doubts and, kneelingat His feet, asked what had been troubling me for exactly ayear: “Swami, am I still a bad girl?” At this point the farceunfolded: “You bad? Why?” and I said: “You told me I wasbad.” And Sai acted as if He were baffled and said: “Me?Why? When?” I couldn’t believe it… One entire year oftears …I then specified: “Last year, Swami.” and heard Himsay: “Oh, last year! No, no you are such a good girl.” I feltso relieved He had made clear what I had understood wascorrect and not another ego trip.

As each one of His words has a sense, that year saw metranslating six Sai Baba books, enjoying every moment ofit. Translating His books kept me glued only on thoughtsof God.


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The Dark Night of the Soul

C H A P T E R 9

“To love you all is My duty. It is your right to ask and it is Bhagavan’sresponsibility to answer. When right and responsibility get together, blissresults.”

Two years went by and, notwithstanding all the grace,the sacred atmosphere, the enlightening teachings I hadabsorbed, still I was not satisfied with the depth of my innerintroverted stage. Time went by and my dark tunnelseemed to be never ending. All are open books for Sai and,when He totally ignores us, there is something we stillhaven’t grasped or attained that He thus pushes us toanalyze. But even if we may know some of His ways tohelp us grow, day after day becomes a very wearyexperience when you realize you are stuck in the growthprocess. I was happy to be physically ignored, but had noidea how to speed up whatever He wanted me to speed up.I knew it had to do with inner view rather than interview.I knew my mind was still a catalogue of thoughts andspiritual concepts. These still created a kind of hell thatwould follow me wherever I went, as the mind followedme everywhere. By mere mental habit, the mind was

weak that I honestly had no body consciousness. Was Isick or was that the perfect state I should have reached?My head was totally empty and, when that dizziness madeit impossible for me to safely stand on my feet, I would liedown and, when I closed my eyes, I would be sucked by avortex similar to a powerful exhaust fan and, all of asudden, I would find myself in Swami’s lap, slipping intoa totally different dimension. When I would wake in themornings I would see Him physically here in my house togive me either a darshan or brief powerful teachings. So,when people comment that malaria and typhoid must havebeen a terrible experience, I always affirm it was the bestperiod of my life.

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police informed me that my request for the renewal of visahad not been accepted from Delhi and they gave me twoweeks to go out of the country. The unexpected kick mademe clearly see that I would have been quite desperate tohave to go back to the old world. I rushed to darshan insuch a state of confusion that Swami passed by totallyunconcerned and stared, with His all-encompassing look,just a few centimeters above my head, ignoring mecompletely. Three days before I had to leave He passed infront of me at darshan as if He was gliding on roller-skatesand, without giving me time to say a word, said: “Whenare you leaving?” And He disappeared. I was appalled. Itried to convince myself He was only mirroring back mythoughts, but the subtle fear it might have been an order,gave me a push to go and consult the palm leaf reader ofthe Shuka Nadi Foundation in Bangalore to know if thatobstacle of the visa had been sent to convince me I shouldbe going back to Italy for good. This was such a big step; Iexcused myself for checking Saint Shuka’s palm leaves.The answer was that I would live and eventually die inIndia and, if I were to go back to Italy, it would only be fora few weeks for family duties. As far as the visa, he told methat, due to the many past lives as a Buddhist, I could geta long-term visa only from a Buddhist country. I discussedthe dark moments I was going through under the spiritualpoint of view and he assured: “This is the moment in yourlife when you will learn Kriya Yoga and this will lead you,in due time, to the goals you have always been seeking.” Itold him I knew no Kriya Yoga Master and that I had neverheard anyone in Puttaparthi who could give theinformation where to go to have Kriya Yoga initiation herein India. He answered: “They will come and look for you.”I smiled, not believing this could be possible, but left happyfor the hint on where to go for the visa.

At the travel agency I checked for the nearest Bhuddhistcountry and blindly chose Singapore. When I came backwith a five years visa, I bought again Yogananda’sAutobiography of a Yogi that I had already read and enjoyedso much, as soon as I had come back from my second tripto Sai in 1990, to see if I could come across what KriyaYoga actually was. I only found a chapter that gave me

creating a huge barrier to perceive my essential natureand the ego was powerfully surviving out of innerinsecurity. I seemed to have relaxed from the firstexcitement into stagnation. I had even got accustomed tothe rhythms of going to darshans and didn’t capture thesacredness any longer. It was very similar to a horriblenumbness. I was waiting for His grace to flow again andpined for it, as I knew He would never let my hand go.

Human beings have a tendency to blame others for theirdifficulties; first of all they blame nature and finally God.We do not want to take the responsibility that we havecreated the suffering ourselves by not utilizing the eternalwisdom. Even here in Puttaparthi I had used so much timeand energy merely for my physical well-being and, evenif I had reshaped all my life a hundred times, there I was,simply stuck. I had learnt that the answer was not in theobjects of the world, they were only means that one coulduse to attain the final goal of life, and so I had worked ondispassion, yet I had not found how to detach fromthoughts. Though constant integrated awareness was mygoal, the discipline, the practice and the steps to it werestill uncertain and obscure. After so many years, I nowfelt inadequate and an intruder both in the materiallyoriented western world and in the spiritual realm, as Ihad not dived deep enough into the inner silence whereall would be revealed. I fully realized I could not make iton my own, out of my incomplete efforts.

This pain and longing was bringing in a greatunderstanding, but the solutions seemed out of hand, soI still drifted in-between these two diametrically differentworlds, with no specific qualifications. There was only onepath that could lead me to the summit, but I had no map.

Towards the end of December 1999 I almost got sodiscouraged that I pondered over going back to my countryand to the grandmother role, giving up any furtherpursuits. The children by then had all got married andhad babies to raise. I painfully went as far as thinking thestage I had reached was the maximum I could attain inthis lifetime and that was it. But with Sai one really has tokeep one’s thoughts in check!! At that very moment the


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faded, I simply agreed and thanked her. While she was onthe phone asking Paramahamsa Prajnanananda if shecould bring me with her to Orissa and if He agreed to initiateme, I silently tuned in waiting for the verdict. When I heardthe answer was: “Yes”, I thanked Sai with all my heart.

In three days time we were both flying to Bhubaneshwar,as one of the Ashrams was in Jagatpur near Cuttack andthe other one in Balighai near Puri. On the airplane Judyhanded me a photocopy of an article where I read:

One must receive initiation into the authentic andoriginal Kriya Yoga directly from the realized Guru andsupreme living Kriya Master, ParamahamsaHariharananda, or one of his authorized Yogacharyas.There are no correspondence courses or lessons availablethrough Kriya Yoga Institute.

The Tradition of Kriya YogaPurification and Blessing Ceremony

The ancient tradition for learning the royal science ofKriya Yoga meditation begins with purification. Thisentails participation in a holy ceremony in which the spineand the body are purified. Each seeker is initiated on anindividual basis through the direct touch of a teacher ofthis lineage. The teacher directly infuses the triple divinequalities of sound, vibration, and light into the initiate. Through this process, the seeker will learn to perceive theinner light of the soul, hear divine sound, and feel thedivine movement sensation all over the body. Sacredmantras are chanted throughout the ceremony withadequate explanations in English.

In the beginning of the ceremony, basic techniques ofcalmness are taught thereby preparing the seeker for theinfusion of divine energy. Initiation into the Holy Streamof Divine Consciousness is attained by overcoming theinternal chatter of the mind. This enables calming thethought processes and merging into the Divine in the formof Sound, Vibration, and Light.

The instruction ceremony consists of the followingphases:


some very interesting hints, but no clues on the actualtechnique, as it was a secret one. I noted in my mind againit was Babaji that, in 1861, had renewed the teaching toLahiri Mahasaya and it had been handed down toParamahamsa Yogananda through his Guru, SwamiSriyukteshwar, and from those few pages realized that KriyaYoga was far from being a simple gymnastic but actuallymeant the union of body and Soul, it meant realizing theTruth behind the union of the individual self with theSupreme Self. I was relieved to understand that Kriya Yoga,based on the science of breath, was a powerful system ofmeditation, which enhanced one’s religious and spiritualpractice whatever the creed and, furthermore, it was notlimited to monks but open to one and all. To myunderstanding spirituality meant working with the innerreality, and to verify this inner truth one had to work inthe laboratory of the inner realm. The mind was the laband now I needed to find the tools or, in other words, theexact practice of meditation to achieve victory over themind. The still unanswered question was where I couldgo to obtain the correct information and if there was aMaster I could fully trust. I left it in Sai’s hands and leftthe thought about Kriya Yoga aside.

After only one month from the reading, in earlyFebruary 2000, Judy, an American friend of my neighbourPat, came to pay her a visit and as I was having a verypainful twisted neck Pat asked her to come and see if shecould help me. While she was giving me Reiki in mybedroom, she noticed Yogananda’s book on the bedsidetable and I heard her say: “In three days time I am going toPuri where, for only a few weeks, there will beParamahamsa Prajnanananda who could initiate you intoKriya, do you want to come with me?”

These words floated in the air for some time and it tookme minutes to become conscious about what she had justsaid. I couldn’t believe it.

She briefly explained that Paramahamsa Hariharanandawas a rare enlightened Master who belonged to the samelineage of Gurus as Yoganandaji and how she respectedand highly considered also all the other monks of the Giriorder that were His disciples. As soon as the astonishment


1. Purification of body, spine, and senses2. Infusion of triple divine qualities3. Blessings-flower4. Oblations of breath to the fire5. Affirmation6. Offerings to God and Masters7. Sprinkling of the holy water-of-peace

The first phase of the ceremony purifies the body of theseeker. Further purification ensues from the breathoblations in the fire ceremony. This fire ceremony isoutwardly symbolic, but causes cleansing to occur at moresubtle, deeper levels. The depth of purification of theseeker depends upon the desire and receptivity of theseeker. At the completion of the ceremony, instructionon the 1st-Kriya level of techniques is given so that theaspirants can continue the process of purification andmeditate on their own. Several different techniques ofKriya Yoga are revealed by the instructor. This entireceremony, including the infusion of triple divine qualities,is performed by an authorized teacher or a monk of thislineage. The seeker offers three symbolic gifts to theinstructor as offerings to God and the Masters. The threeofferings are: five fruits representing the fruits gained fromactivities throughout life; five flowers which represent thefive senses; and a financial donation representing thecausal, astral, and gross body, respectively.

The seeker will also be asked not to divulge thetechnique to others in order to maintain and uphold thepurity of the teachings.

I folded the article, looked out over the clouds that werecompletely covering our view and separating us from theearth. They seemed so soft and dense at the same time.Some looked like sheep and some others like the Godsand Goddesses I had read about in the Bhagavatam. Lightgusts of wind would make them unroll and reshapethemselves into totally different forms till the cloudsappeared to me as if they were reflecting the mystifyingplay of maya, mirroring back to me the unendingtransformations I was going through under the loving careof Baba.

Part II

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The Boon

C H A P T E R 10

“The Guru is a light to show one the road, but the destination is God.One is grateful to the Guru, but it is God that one worships.”

All had happened so quickly that my mind had had notime to create any expectations. I was incredibly calm andsilent and took all what was happening as just a mostnatural, consequential and loving boon from Sai. I hadgone through the long dark period and this was a newbeginning. I knew there could only be light after all thatdarkness. After an hour’s drive from the airport I simplyfound myself in front of the Ashram with flowers and fruitsin my hands. A Swami came out to greet us and Judywhispered: “Paramahamsa Prajnanananda.” Not tall, longhair, long black beard, simply dressed in a particularpeach-orange colour. What struck me at first were Histwinkling dark huge eyes, the vibrant intensity of His lookand the most enticing and sweet smile. Then I heard Himsay: “I knew you were coming, but now that I see you, nowI recognize you.” With an unexpected intense flow of loveand heartfelt respect, I spontaneously and humbly bowed.

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AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS The Boon

thanked that Supreme Energy for all the boons I wasconstantly receiving. I studied carefully Hariharanandaji’spicture and strangely saw Him as a Chinese sage. A bulbwas reflecting its light exactly in the middle of thephotograph and it appeared as if His heart was radiating asuffused halo of pink light, a ray of love.

That evening Prajnananandaji was going to guide themeditation. I was allowed to try and follow even if I wasnot yet initiated. In the beginning I had to look at whatthe others were doing, then slowly discovered I couldfollow even with my eyes closed. When we were told tosilently meditate concentrating at the top of the head, atthe words: “Love your breath, breath is God.” I was amazedhow deep I went and how, at a certain point, I could clearlysee Sai at the top of my head. He was standing there, likea sentinel, at the side of a huge well, looking down thiswell and breathing in and out. The breath was coming upand down this deep well and it gave me an experience ofinfinite peace. How sweet was the Lord to give meimmediate assurance of His all-knowing Presence! Whenthe experience faded I was blissfully smiling. I opened myeyes and looked at Prajnananandaji who was sitting onthe dais. He glanced back and an incredibly bright smilelit his beautiful face, as if He knew what had happened.Words would not do justice if I tried to describe theintensity of the feeling when, out of the blue, you realizethere is a deep subtle link of pure unconditional love andunderstanding between the teacher and the seeker He hasaccepted to initiate.

After reciting the food prayer, which was the same onewe also recited in Puttaparthi, just a few verses longer, weall had dinner on leaf plates squatting on the floor and,for the first time in12 years here in India, I ate with myhands making a great mess. Young boys were rapidlyserving food from huge buckets and the flavour wasexceptionally good as there were no chilies and very fewspices. Everyone was so cheerful, the atmosphere was sorelaxed, but each time Prajnananandaji swiftly appeared,you became aware of an invisible shift of energy, fromsimply cheerful we all became radiant. When we all had

In 12 years in India, I had never bowed to anybody elsebut Sai.

In the Ashram there was a joyful atmosphere. Peopleseemed to be very spontaneous and, as I did not knowany of the rules there, I clung to Judy. People were comingin and out of a huge room where Paramahamsaji was sittingon a simple mat amidst suitcases and boxes full of books.I sat on the floor watching it all and admired His swiftcapacity for dealing with many disciples while at the sametime, He was scrutinizing some new book that was to bepublished, photographs to be reprinted, answered thephone and looked with a sense of humour or with lovingconcern into the devotees’ problems. He was always joyfuland, notwithstanding the hectic routine, He radiated somuch peace. I sat quietly watching; open to receive Hisgift of love, peace and tranquility. The only thing He askedme was: “Why do you want to learn Kriya Yoga?” Ianswered briefly describing the dissatisfaction of manyyears of not having a clue how to reach constant integratedawareness. That seemed to be sufficient and He said thatin two days time we would go to Balighai and that on the12th of February He would initiate me. We pleasantlytalked about Sai Baba and, with a very gentle smile, Heshared with me how two pictures of Sai had attracted himwhen He had been only eight years old, how He had rushedhome to get the money to buy both of them and had theminstantly framed. He also added that, while He was still abrahmachari, He had been to Puttaparthi twice.

That same evening at seven there was a guidedmeditation. In the meditation hall I stared at all the picturesof the Kriya Yoga Masters: Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya. SwamiSriyukteswar, Sri Sanyal Mahasaya, ParamahamsaYogananda, Swami Sathyananda and in the middle of themall, a huge picture of Paramahamsa Hariharananda who, Iwas told, was now 93 and still spent hours teaching thetechnique in His Miami Ashram.

What does one feel when suddenly one has to face theforms of so many new enlightened Masters? The only thingI did, was to close my eyes knowing all were “One” withoutgiving importance to the different forms, therefore I

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AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS The Boon

by ceaselessly travelling around the world. The power ofHis teachings lies in their simplicity and direct relevanceto our daily lives. His clear and concise explanations onall the ancient Holy Scriptures and the depth of Hismetaphorical interpretations are unique. Using Kriya Yogaas a reference point and interpretative tool,Prajnananandaji reveals the hidden truths contained inthe most complex passages of the Sacred Texts of the Eastand West. His vast knowledge and oratory and intellectualskills are fully utilized in interpreting deep philosophicalthoughts in the light of modern science and psychology.

Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, in essence, teaches onlyone lesson: the lesson of love. He urges and directsaspirants on the spiritual path to realise they are all Divineand that one can reach that Super Conscious, blissful statethrough constant breath-awareness. He is an ocean ofwisdom and, being fully grounded within, He can focuson ten tasks at a time with perfect precision and mastery,yet, around Him, one always perceives a loving, peacefulyet forceful and joyful energy, the mark of a Master whohas mastered Himself. Paramahamsa Prajnanananda’s lifeis His message. Once we have offered ourselves to theLord, the world naturally prostrates at our feet, once wehave conquered our mind, we have conquered the worldand, once we are successful within, also worldlyaccomplishments are gained. Once we surrender our owndesires to the Lord, we are free from our own personalwhims and ambitions and the Divine Will itself becomesour own desire. Once one has found bliss and harmonywithin, the whole world becomes infused with beautyand joy.

He Himself sets an example to one and all on how torealize the connection between ourselves and the Divine;how to surrender and unfold our infinite potential to itsfullest, in order to become or be anything we wish, withoutlosing sight of the highest goal in life, thus encouragingHis disciples to follow His exemplary life and His teachingswith enthusiasm and faith.

Paramahamsa Prajnanananda founded PrajnanaMission in 1993 on the advice and Divine guidance of

finished, also Prajnananandaji sat down together with allthe other monks and had His meal. That night, after manyyears, Baba came in my dream and with concern asked ifI liked the enlightened Master He had brought me to andalso added that from that moment onwards I would bemeeting more than one.

That morning I bought one of Prajnananandaji’s books,as I was eager to know something more about the teacherwho was going to initiate me, and keenly read what waswritten about His life:

“Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, who is the disciple andchosen spiritual successor of ParamahamsaHariharananda, a rare living realised Master, has takenon the mission of spreading the ancient and sacredteachings of Kriya Yoga to spiritual aspirants leading andguiding many disciples along the path of realisation.Paramahamsa Hariharananda, long before He made Hima monk, had said: “Whatever is started by Me, has to becompleted by Him.” Paramahamsa Prajnanananda wasborn in the village of Pattamundai in Orissa in 1960. Froman early age He was searching for a spiritual teacher andhad always been a sincere seeker of truth. In 1983, whilestill a student, He met His Master ParamahamsaHariharananda, who initiated Him into the path of KriyaYoga. This meeting changed His whole life.He soon wentto live with His Master in Karar Ashram in Puri andtravelled to and fro from Puri to Rourkela and to Cuttackwhere He was then teaching as a professor of Economicsfor 11 years. Brahmachari Triloki Dash, as He was thenknown, was initiated into Sannyas by His Master, andbecame Swami Prajnanananda Giri on the 25th of April1995. The next day, Paramahamsa Hariharananda sentHim immediately to Europe and then to the USA to teachKriya Yoga through public lectures, seminars, retreats andmeditation classes. On August 10, 1998, on His 39thbirthday, the title of Paramahamsa, the highest titlereserved for monks and saints who attain the summit ofrealization was conferred

He is selflessly sacrificing the silent and secluded lifeof a monk, to lovingly spreading the path of Kriya Yoga,

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The Day of Initiation

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“Remaining in the Soul centre, one can go down to the lower centres ofearth and water, and fly high into the fontanel to tap the real source ofjoy and pleasure. Tapping the source is possible only if we can stop theplay of the mind.”

We traveled to Puri by car and, after 10 kilometers onthe narrow but lovely Marine Drive that leads to KonarkTemple, we arrived in Balighai where Hariharananda’sGurukulam was in the process of being built. We enjoyedthe warmth of the winter sun sitting quietly around a mostenchanting pond full of pale pink lotuses. Two ducks weretrying to chase us away and the deer that roamed freeavoided us as intruders on their peace. It was so beautifuland peaceful. I was shown where the new Ashram wouldbe built and the new small hospital where doctors wouldcure the poor villagers free of charge. The monks were goingto sleep in a tiny hut and the rest of the people in themeditation hall or in the rooms below. Judy asked if I werethe only one to be initiated next day, but Prajnananandajisaid that whenever people came to know He was there,someone would always appear at the last moment tobe initiated.

Paramahamsa Hariharananda. Prajnana Mission hasAshrams in Cuttack and in Balighai near Puri in Orissa.Through the Mission the discipline of Kriya Yoga is taughtto sincere seekers irrespective of caste, creed, sex andreligion. Prajnana Mission is also dedicated to the serviceof humanity through many charitable and educationalactivities.

Balighai Ashram has just been enlarged for intensiveretreats and seminars. In 1995 ParamahamsaHariharananda had a dream where Sriyukteshwardirected Him to transfer this property to ParamahamsaPrajnanananda predicting that this beautiful Ashram willbecome a place of international reputation where manypeople would come to stay and meditate.”

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These two simple words reminded me of Sai’s and, rang abell! For the first time, I looked at Prajnananandaji withan awe.

I cannot write much about the initiation, as I rememberabsolutely nothing of the entire ceremony. All I rememberis the profound sound of Prajnananandaji’s breath echoinginside my own body and then being hooked up to a bulbgiving light at the top of the head while a conch was beingblown in some far place inside me. I had to wait one yeartill I had the chance to witness another initiationceremony. After having seen how touching the ceremonywas, I went to Prajnananandaji and said: “I am jealous,you did not do all that to me last year!” He answered thatfor sure He had, but I still have no memory of it all.Something very similar to my first darshan must havehappened. Remembering the ceremony in itself may notbe that important, but what I shall never forget is theoverwhelming and extreme calmness that followed it.

The same evening Paramahamsaji instructed us on thetechnique. Watching Him show us how to practice wasfascinating. To me He appeared to be a block of solid peace,His body and his postures showed the deepest harmonyand the perfect stillness of connectedness. There was noshowing off; He was so pure, so humble and yet so powerful.The practice seemed to be one with Him. From His voicetranspired the devotion and sweetness of His love for theOne in Him and yet He was ever present and aware of allof us. His presence in the room must have muffled my mindbecause, instead of learning the practice, I just stared atHim spaced out. I had to pull myself together more thanonce to have a pin pointed attention on what He wasteaching us. Eventually I even had to make Him repeat allthe instructions taking notes, as I feared not to be able toremember once at home. But once back home I discoveredI did not need the notes, as the memory of His voiceinstructing us surfaced again and again, as soon as I wouldclose my eyes. Every time I practiced, it was as if someoneswitched on the light, when deeply relaxed, I often feltdelicate buzzing sounds and vibrations, and with time,the more the mind became calm and centered, the morethey increased.


A day before flying to Bhubaneshwar my ex-husbandhad come to pay me a visit and he was complaining aboutnot being capable of remaining in a constant blissful state.Hoping it could really help him, I had told him where Iwas going and he had asked if he could join. As he hadnot found a seat on our flight, he had arrived that very dayand I left him to his own experiences without helping himmuch, as I wanted to be in silence as much as I could. Ialso did not want to have any further responsibilitytowards him.

That very afternoon we saw a foreigner walk into theAshram, his legs and arms all scratched and bleeding. Stillout of breath, he asked if it was possible to be initiatedand explained that he was riding on his bicycle back toPuri, had just fallen off in front of the Ashram gate, lookedup and saw the words: ‘Kriya Yoga Ashram’. He explainedthat he had been having this aspiration for many years,but never expected to bump into this opportunity in suchcircumstances. We all laughed, but it really was a peculiarstory.

That night I couldn’t sleep and took three or fourshowers to purify my body before the initiation. I was sohappy looking forward to the ceremony, which is to beconsidered as a new baptism that allows a new start onthe spiritual path. At six in the morning my ex husbandapproached me saying he had decided he didn’t need KriyaYoga initiation as he believed he had already reachedenlightenment when he was 21. I do not know if in myeyes there were flames that burnt him when I said: “Thisis old rubbish, then why can’t you always be in ananda?”All I know is that he left straight away.

I walked into the thatched roof hut where the ceremonywould be held, leaving all the world outside, and noticedthat there were another three people waiting to be initiated,confirming what Prajnananandaji had said. We all sat infront of Him. He looked around and asked: “Where is yourhusband?” and when in two words I told Him he had chosennot to take the initiation, He acknowledged: “Very good.”

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After five days, content with the first results of thepractice, I flew back home, but just before leaving, I foundmyself with those special atmic tears swelling up from myheart. I had never been that joyful, my heart full to thebrim with the deepest love and gratitude. I knew themissing link had been found.

I carefully examined that deep feeling of “loving awe”that I spontaneously felt for Prajnananandaji. I recognizedthat the power of the atma was for sure the strongest magnet.That same Supreme Power of God that same Love I hadexperienced in Sai’s Presence was also intensely flowingfrom this highly realized Yogi, as He was so pure. Thereare no two powers; the Divine Love Energy is One. I couldclearly see in Him the perfect example of a real devotee ofthe Lord who had succeeded in mastering Himself withgreat love and discipline, He had traveled already on thesame road I was struggling on and He had succeeded, soI knew He could also lead me forward. Up till today, I havealways refused to memorize all the complex names of allthe stages of samadhi, nor am I to know where He standsin terms of names or classifications, but I have a heart tofeel the great uplifting peace, untainted love and delightfulinner joy I am graced with, by simply sitting somewherenear Him and that, for me, is even more than enough tolove and trust Him fully.

A few weeks after I had come back to Puttaparthi, it wasmy birthday and I received the wonderful gift of a first line.I could feel that the love for Sai had even deepened insweetness as great ripples of love and that special honeywas again flowing while waiting for Him to appear. WhenHe slowly arrived in front of me, I heard Him softlypronounce: “Chaala Santhosham,” (Very happy) and at thesame time Sai Baba slightly lifted His robe allowing me,after two years of ignoring me, to take what wouldeventually be my last, but soul-enthralling padnamaskar.If any part of my mind needed a confirmation I was on theright path, or where Sai Baba had planned and wanted meto be, that padnamaskar was for me the ultimate “blessing-seal”. A few months later Swami, all of a sudden,announced that He would not allow them any more and


Judy and I took a taxi to go and visit Karar Ashram whereSwami Sriyukteshwar, the Guru of both Yoganandaji andHariharanandaji, had lived for many years. The taxi driverdid not know the way to the Ashram and I was astoundedto point at him to stop exactly in front, even if I had neverbeen there before. There was no visible sign, but I said:“There it is.” One does not know whether these arememories or intuitions, but it was awe-inspiring. Wewalked around the premises, amazed by its enchantingpeace and beauty. In the meditation hall, I saw pictures ofinnumerable spiritually evolved personalities, saints andGurus. My attention went to a collage of all these Indiansaints and noticed Sai Baba at the top. It was so sweet tofind Him everywhere! I imagined all those saints andhighly evolved Masters were His fingers selflessly workingin the world, so that as many people as possible could bewoken up by their inspired teachings.

Judy and I walked out and went to sit in the tranquilsamadhi temple of Swami Sriyukteshwarji. I bowed and satquietly for a long time. I honestly must say that if I wereasked where I’d prefer to live my future years in seclusion,if I had the choice, Karar Ashram would surely be mynumber one alternative. There, one can enjoy the mostconducive, sacred and peaceful atmosphere, together withan extraordinary uplifting energy.

When we left, I glanced back at the pale bluish-whitewashed simple construction, with its walls embracedby multicoloured bougainvilleas and I found it difficult toleave that deep silence and suffused peace. We went tosee Jagannath Temple and felt sad not to be allowed in,as in the majority of the most sacred Hindu temples inIndia, foreigners are not allowed. I dismissed a slight senseof rejection and smiled knowing there was a temple,inside, no one could ever refuse me entrance. I dwelledon the general Hindu belief that all Gods are One andwondered why such rules could still be uphelddifferentiating on creed as spirituality was beyond suchboundaries. I was sure this was only a man-made ruleand Jagannath, the Lord of the Universe, had nothing todo with it.

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but understanding that the ‘baby’ in me needed a contact,I picked up the phone and rang up Vienna Ashram and, atthe other end, heard His voice personally answering thephone. He was so surprised and sweet and I was happy. Iknew He traveled a lot, but in those days I yet didn’t knowhow rare it is to find him, unless one had His programsthat obviously I didn’t have. I do not remember the shortconversation, but what I do remember is the amazementthat struck me when, exactly the very next day, whiletidying up, I found a leaflet of the Cuttack Ashram wherethere were listed all the Holy days of the year and noticedthat the 10th of August was Prajnananandaji’s Birthday.Was it really all a coincidence? Who was that ‘baby’ in mewailing just looking at His photograph exactly on the dayof His Birthday? I blushed trying to figure out what Hemust have thought of that funny mother ringing all theway from India, on that particular day, without even saying:“Happy Birthday!”

I sat down quietly trying to tune into that Supremeenergy that is all pervading and, once and for all,surrendered to God and to the Guru that the all knowingLife Energy had brought me back to. With the most tenderand loving heart I bowed in gratitude, I bowed to the Oneand only Supreme Source, to Sri Sathya Sai who, to loveHimself had separated Himself from Himself to become themany forms and, as the great Director of the play, life afterlife, continued guiding me to the Master that again andagain came to this planet earth to help me finish the game.


also added: “From today no more padnamaskars, youyourselves are God, haven’t you yet realized it?” Many ofthe devotees were devastated, but what a mind-bogglingdirect teaching that was!

I reorganized my daily schedules to give space to thetechnique. I loved practicing. I knew it would, with time,give me through loving peace the constant God awarenessI so much longed for. I had full trust in the technique, asKriya was what all those realized Masters had beenpracticing. I kept myself in check and practiced punctually.

Soon, I found myself creating even a totally newenvironment pulling out all the plants and rearrangingthe entire garden. I designed and built a new house, muchsmaller than the previous one, intending to reshape mylife once more limiting my needs and wants to theminimum. Was I building and rebuilding just like Milarepawas instructed to do? There seemed to be a need to expressthe inner transformation all around me and I wasastonished at the unending joyful creative energy I had.After six months the body started a dance of aches as if thegreatest pullout was going on: hips, slipped discs, sciaticaand terrible backache weren’t allowing me to practice anylonger. I wrote to Prajnananandaji about the problem andsoon received a letter where He advised me to constantlywatch my breath and that would be sufficient. It seemedsimple, but it was so easy to get distracted and forget forhours on end, but as time went by, I noticed that ultimately,I would feel at loss when not aware of breath. I was feelingever more peaceful and calm, this profound calmness oftenturned into pure bliss, bliss turned into an elatingexpansion and the expansion concretized intounfathomable pure unconditional love that those aroundme really could feel.

On the 10th of August 2000, the new small house wasready and I moved into a new life. While reorganizing mybooks I opened Yoga: Pathway to the Divine, one ofPrajnananandaji’s many books, silently turned the pagestill my eyes fell on one of His photographs and,unexpectedly, found myself sobbing. I was taken aback,

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Kriya and Your devotees in Puttaparthi?” As soon as Babacame out He went to the opposite end and I kept rollingup the tiny piece of paper reducing it to a funny shape.When finally He came to our first line He stopped, tookthe note, opened it and with a smile He blessed me andenthusiastically added: “Very happy! Very happy!”

Upon arriving in Cuttack Ashram I informedPrajnananandaji about my odd first line at darshan, mynote and Sai’s answer and His blessings. He was so busydaily giving talks on the Bhagavad Gita in Bhubaneswarand Cuttack and then the program in Balighai wherealmost all the Kriya monks were present and many Swamisfrom all over India were His guests.

The program was very intense with the many monkswho had graced the occasion with their holy presence.From the dais the energy swept us with such power wewere all overwhelmed. Some would fall asleep even whennot tired, some others were helped to meditate deeper, Isimply felt hooked up during all of the week.Prajnananandaji gave the most interesting discourses andI sat riveted all day though I had a very high fever. Duringthat week I had little time to speak with Prajnananandaji,but it seemed there was no need. A glance or a word in aparticular tone would be sufficient for me to feel His lovingconcern and “knowing”. If I had some questions He wouldsurprisingly answer them in one of His classes, so I wascontented and grateful. During that program alsoPrajnananandaji was very sick, but when He had to be onthe dais, He extraordinarily looked as vibrant as ever, butsoon after, He was undergoing asthma attacks due to thedust of the cars parking right in front of the Ashram. Onecould tell from the tone of His voice He was not well, butthe liveliness was always the same and the busy programwas not modified. I noted down His lessons and stillremember the notes on sadhana:

“The nature of the mind is extrovert; it does not like togo inwards. The mind cannot remain in a vacuumspace, it continuously looks for objects. If left to its

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“The human mind is not happy with momentary gains and pleasures.Themind wants to dive deep and fly high to find the treasures of the Soul,the Atma.”

January 2001 saw me again getting ready to leave forBalighai where I wished to attend the 2nd Kriya YogaIntensive Program. Before flying to Bhubaneshwar Istopped in Whitefield as Swami was there. On the way athought traveled through the mind: it would be nice to beable to allow other Sai devotees to come to know where toreceive Kriya initiation. The thought had an immediateoutcome. The sevadal in charge, when she saw me enterthe hall, got hold of my hand and said. “This morning yousit first line, first block.” Well that was really the first timein years that it had happened. When I sat down I knewthat was the rare opportunity to hand over the message toSwami and maybe also a chance for an answer. I felt that Ishoud ask Sai first because Puttaparthi was His abode, Hisprivate ‘territory’. So, I found some paper and a pen andwrote: “Is it Your will that I may become a link between


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The fox said: “Oh, many techniques!” and produced abook describing them on many pages. While they weretalking a dog came to chase them. The cat quicklyclimbed a tree and was safe, while the fox had to searchthrough pages and pages of his book to know whichtechnique to follow!”Prajnananandaji commented that it was good to know

a little and to practice it, rather than to know a lot, but notpractice what you knew and that regular practice was thesure way to success. This made me think also of Sai Baba’swords: “You should not dig many shallow holes, but one,long, deep one.”

Each day represented massive learning asPrajnananandaji’s way of conveying the teachings was soclear, so direct and so pleasant that it hit the pointimmediately. He would sense when we were tired andwould give us a break making us sing following His sweetvoice. Then there would be question and answer sessionswhere He would dispel any doubt in no time, straight tothe point.

When the week was over some of the foreigners and alsoall of the monks were going to the Maha Kumbhamela, butby then I was so sick, I had to come back home. Beforeleaving I asked if there could be a Kriya Yoga center inPuttaparthi and He agreed. I bowed, and both of us withhigh fevers happily left for different destinations.


normal pattern, the mind will roam from one object toanother. In sadhana, we have to reverse the process.If you identify with the mind, the mind becomes themaster and you become the slave. Reverse the process.How to reverse the process? Concentrate on a singleobject and go to the internal world. Through the graceof the Guru and our own self-effort, the mind becomesfocused. When the mind becomes stable and followsour command, the focused mind will reach deeperspiritual dimensions. All of you assembled here arefortunate and blessed to be able to get clear guidanceon how to withdraw and direct the mind to God withfull force. Sadhana is not a part-time commitment, but aconstant endeavor. The mind is a big bag of tricks. Themind is mischievous. Sadhana cannot be practiced onlyinnerly, but also when we deal with the world,relationships, jobs and other duties. People think thatsadhana means only meditation, prayer and readingthe Scriptures and that it has no connection with worldlylife. People divide life in two compartments: spiritualand worldly. In one they practice disciplines and inthe other they roam free. In this way the mind crawlsbackwards and forwards into its old grooves and doesnot progress. A sadhaka’s daily life must be conduciveto his sadhana as a whole. All activities should be doneas karma yoga.”Sometimes He would give us a break telling us some

stories with such a sense of humour that the hall wouldbe filled with laughter and the tension from the intenseteachings would decrease. Of all the stories I liked theone of the cat and the fox the most. Prajnananandaji saidit was a story that Sriyukteshwar used to tell His disciples:

“There were two friends, a cat and a fox, who lived ina forest. One day they were discussing different waysin which they could escape danger and save their lives.The cat said: “ I know of only one way, and that is toclimb a tree. How many ways of saving yourself doyou know?”

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so I asked Him if one did not bow in the West, but He madea sign I could. So, I sneaked a few bows as being in aconvent of Franciscan nuns, I doubted they would haveunderstood. Bowing to a Swami in shoes was quite singularas, when you bow, you lay your forehead on His feet inhumility and devotion, but also to allow the Master’senergy to flow into you through the head, as it is like thelinking of negative and positive wires, which generatespiritual energy. I immediately compared the shoes to thatsubtle different “armour” that enveloped Him andwondered whether, after all, He was all that happy to beaway from the holiest land of the world, His Sacred Bharat,the Himalayas, the Ganga and Puri that I had heard Himsay was what He loved most. Was He only carrying on whatHis Gurudev had asked Him, with great love, self-sacrifice,selfless sense of duty and patient detachment?

The guided meditations were so deep that in betweenit was difficult to feel in the mood to go and sight see, butSaint Francis’ Eremo and the Porziuncola were both wellworth seeing again. Prajnananandaji asked me if I hadbeen to Assisi before and when I told Him I had been there,33 years before on honeymoon, He had one of His heartylaughs. The retreat filled my heart with extreme calmnessand once more I felt “hooked up to the top of the head”and when I practiced in Siena, I discovered I couldmaintain for even longer periods of time that specialintimacy with my inner Love, but the depth one may reach,when in the presence of the Master, is for sure difficult toattain, when one is again alone, back at home.

When, after five days we all left, I turned to glance oncemore at that enchanting small town nestled up on a hilland noticed the last rays of the sun, which was slowlysetting, were lovingly painting the walls of Assisi in a pinkhue. The sunrays were embracing the place that had givenbirth to such a beautiful Saint that taught the westernworld, by his example, the importance of simplicity andhumility, the two qualities I admired most in all the KriyaYoga Swamis.

At the end of April I arrived in Homestead near Miami.When the gate of the Ashram opened, I saw the most

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C H A P T E R 13

“Life is a candle designed to radiate knowledge and love, a symbol ofcontinuous sacrifice for others, kindle it with care.”

In March a beautiful plan for a trip became a reality.There was a retreat in Assisi, which would have been onlytwo hours from Siena where I intended to visit the childrenand grandchildren for a few weeks and if the bookings,which were waitlisted, were confirmed, I would alsoproceed to Miami, to meet Paramahamsa Hariharananda.

In Assisi the group of kriyavans was mostly of Germansand Austrians and it was striking how disciplined theywere, compared to the Indian disciples, who are oftenlovingly unruly out of too much enthusiasm andspontaneous affection, but then I also noticed how differenteven Prajnananandaji was. Obviously I compared hisjoyous carefree looks, so dear to my heart that I hadwitnessed and appreciated in India, to how He nowappeared in the West. Still very soft and loving, but notthe Prajnananandaji I had known in India. What confusedme most was we were both wearing shoes!! Very few bowed,

The Trip to Miami

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quite bewildered to see, from the image reflected in themirror, that the photo in the pendent had changed fromSai to Gurudev. I also showed the pendent to Judy whowas with me in the Ashram guesthouse and we were thrilledand went on verifying turning it round and round. Therewas a photo of Hariharanandaji when He was young. Nextmorning Sai was back in the pendent.

Swami Hariharananda is considered to be the greatestliving Master-Saint of the scientific technique of KriyaYoga, and occupies a high rank among the Indian yogis ofthis century, yet He is truly humble and constantlyshowers deep compassion on all humanity. An untoldnumber of His disciples testify to His infinite purity,extreme divinity and spiritual power. His selfless workcontinues even now when He is 94 and is lying in bed.His mind is perfectly alert and He controls all the Ashramactivities while also keeping in touch with all His devoteddisciples.

I had brought some flowers to Gurudev when I hadarrived, but one morning I saw a case of bright redstrawberries and it gave me infinite joy to be able to offer itto Him. When I went into His room with the strawberries,He really surprised me by saying: “I like you better thanstrawberries, come near Me, you do not know how much Ilike you.” I blushed, confused and He repeated: “I reallylike you, you are so beautiful.” He placed a soothing handon my heart with great tenderness and I instantly felt alltensions disappear, I believe He was healing someemotional wounds I myself had wanted to hide from myself,but at the same time He was teaching me to see, as He did,only that beautiful radiant essence of who we really are.He was only seeing Himself in me.

I then saw how misleading it was to identify with whatthe mind and others think we are, as it is not our trueReality. In His loving Presence I experienced theconnectedness to my true nature and walked out of thatsmall room suffused in pale pink, transformed, fullyconscious of the real beauty in me and of His lovinghealing.

The Trip to Miami

beautiful garden with hundreds of roses and all types offruit trees including mangoes and bananas. Even on thisoccasion my mind was behaving well, as it had noexpectations and nothing had been projected and, when Iwas suddenly allowed into Paramahamsa Hariharananda’sroom, a pink nest thick with love, I surely didn’t expect tofeel a melting thud in the heart and the instant flow ofthose famous atmic tears that by now, I knew, were mypersonal thermometer, when this body came into contactwith pure Divine energy. I could immediately perceive thecharming soft luminosity that is none other than pure love,pure light, pure unsullied Divine essence. I bowed andGurudev blessed me while gently inquiring why I lived inIndia. He was so soft, so sweet, sweeter than anything everexperienced, it was like biting into marzipan that wouldslowly melt filling you with sweetness, yet His eyes seemedto scan your soul and you were aware He knew everythingabout you in a split of a second. Then He startled me saying:“Let me see that necklace you are wearing, it is the mostbeautiful necklace in the world. Who gave it to you?” Isaid: “Sathya Sai” and then He inquired what I had insidepointing to a pendant which was not visible as it was totallyinside the blouse of the sari and I answered again: “SathyaSai.” He gently smiled holding them both in His hand. Hepulled me by the “chain”, the necklace-japa, till our faceswere very near, and gazing into my eyes He said: “I reallylike you.” I looked into His eyes, an inch away from mine,and for a fraction of a second I saw Sai and then onlyoverwhelming, infinite Love. His body was lying on Hisbed so still, I was not sure He was really aware of mypresence, but then He gently moved His hand all over myface indicating where I would feel the vibrations, light andsound in the future and then on each of the chakras, andtold me not to do any of the mudras for a year and a halfand all the pain in the back and hip would be over and,eventually, I would be able to practice the mudras again. Iwalked out so radiant, deeply stirred and uplifted I neededto be alone and in silence with my inner Sai, but Gurudev’ssweet unblinking gaze was always there, in front of myeyes. When, that night, I went to brush my teeth, I was

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When I shared with Him that I was concerned not to beable to proceed to the goal of life as due to the hip I couldn’tpractice the mudras, He really made me laugh because Hesimply asked: “Why? Do you breathe with your hip?” Witha sense of humour, He helped me see things less dramaticthan what they had appeared. Soon after these words, Iadjusted my postures to the aches and pains even endingup by sitting on a chair or lying down or even standing,now, with no worry, I do my best with love, leaving theresults to the Lord and Gurus as a united team. It is noneof my concern.

Every evening Prajnananandaji gave a talk on the SrimadBhagavatam, which is the Scripture I love the most. Theonly regret was it lasted only one hour, while I would haveliked to sit and listen for hours on end. The guidedmeditations seemed to pull all the strings up to the crownchakra and left me spontaneously centered all day. A fewhours before I was going to leave I asked Prajnananandajifor three minutes of His time, but He said that three minuteswas too much as they corresponded to 180 seconds, so notto waste His time, when I was allowed in the room whereHe was working on a book, I tried to be very brief in askingthe question I had at heart: “What is the difference betweenSai and Gurudev?” He looked aloof for a few seconds, butseeing my honest need to verify with Him if what I felt wascorrect, He quietly answered: “For me there is none. If thereis a difference, it is that Sai Baba is a Universal Teacherand Gurudev is an Individual Teacher.” I allowed His wordsto seep in, then asked: “Is it because the knower ofBrahman is Brahman Himself?” and He said: “Yes.” Ithanked Him, and left His room as one minute was alreadyover.

Judy was going to take me to the airport, but as she wasnot ready, I was sitting in the Ashram guesthouseexchanging a few words with one of Gurudev’s devoteesand, when I told him I was flying straight to Sai Baba’sAshram, he looked puzzled and asked me: “You may notanswer, but how can you deal with two Gurus?” I smiled,but not wanting to say anything, I puzzled him even more:“ They are not only two, but three. But in reality, one.” I

The Trip to Miami

The daily routine at the Institute was very intense. Allwere contributing with some work and one really felt goodto be working in the kitchen or in the garden. I have neverseen such huge plants of cauliflowers as the ones I haveseen there and the mango branches were all bent underthe weight of huge fruits that had received personalattention from Gurudev. One day a tiny skinny baby birdwas found discarded from the nest. Someone picked it upand left it in Gurudev’s room for the night. Next morningit had doubled its weight, was now fully covered by softfeathers, and was then saved. Was this what happened toall of us in His room?

We all had our meals together with the monks and weshared Gurudev’s prasad at every meal. All the Swamisreally looked so lively and happy to be near their belovedGurudev. Prajnananandaji sometimes had shoes andsometimes did not, and by this I mean He was not alwaysas free and spontaneous as He is when He is in India. Insome moments the “armour” could still be felt. Justwatching Him was the greatest lesson. Words were notrequired. I remember a small instance: we were washingup right in front of Prajnananandaji’s room and, forgettingwe could disturb Him, some of us were talking loudly. Hequietly came out and with a smile and in a very soft tonesaid: “The sweet chirp of your voices is rather loud.” Thiswas like a blow for all of us, but it was said in such anenchanting delicate way that you could not believe it couldhave the same effect of a whip and, I believe, we all feltvery embarrassed as I saw the culprits take all the platesalready dried and wash them again with eyes cast down.The silent teaching of neither feeling nor showing angerwhen one is to reprimand, was perfectly conveyed throughexample and the result was outstanding.

One morning I happened to hear a disciple askPrajnananandaji if He liked to travel and whether He washappier in India or in the West. He answered: “Ask Sandrama, she has seen me here, in Europe and in India.” Irealized I really couldn’t hide anything from Him, not evensensations, so I honestly expressed my feelings: “In India.”And He said it was correct.

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Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

C H A P T E R 14

“What is real freedom? While practicing meditation one lifts up theextrovert and outgoing energy and is concentrating in the Cave ofMeditation. Then one goes to the top of the cave of the cranium infontanel. All the cells of the brain are energized. The prana, life energy,rejuvenates and reinvigorates the brain and its activities. Thus, the humanbrain becomes calm, quiet, peaceful, full of love and purity. This is freedom.”

When I had asked Prajnananandaji about the possibilityof a center in Puttaparthi, in my mind, it was more a centerof information than action, but it eventually amazinglyturned out as intense action.

Swami Brahmanandaji, notwithstanding his busyschedule, kindly had accepted to come for a week inSeptember. Puttaparthi has a certain number of residents,but the majority are visitors who just come and go, so itwas impossible to try and organize ahead of time. Till thevery end, I did not know if there would be any people whocould participate. I decided to relax waiting to see whatthe Lord would organize. I even spoke on the phone withSwamiji and told Him I was not sure if there would beanyone at all, also due to the terror stricken moment afterthe 11th of September disaster in New York, which hadstopped many from flying and Puttaparthi was almostempty. He gently told me not to worry because if there

could clearly see his amazement at my mathematics, hecould not understand if I were joking; and so I swiftly left.I was so full of love, at peace with my intuitions and theknowing I could trust my atmic-tears-thermometer.

As soon as I arrived in Bangalore I went for only onedarshan in Whitefield. I had a letter where I was thankingSai for the great boon of meeting Hariharanandaji andPrajnananandaji. When the music started and I saw thebeloved slim figure in orange I lit up in joy and, as Sai isLove He responds immediately to love and joy. He came infront of me right away, gently held the letter in His handfor a few seconds, then exclaimed: “So happy to see you!When did you come back, maaaa?” I remained quiet, ashe knew the answers. My mind was empty. Happy for theeffect His voice had had on my mind, He just walked on.Then I realized Swami, for the first time, had called mema, which is how the Kriya Yoga monks call ladies addingthis ma to our first names. Sai had confirmed again Hisomniscience and wanted me to be sure He was also veryhappy. It was so beautiful to bounce here and there fromLove to Love in Love.

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One of the instances that honestly made me giggle inwonder was when one morning a friend came near meduring Omkar and asked: “Tell me, what is Kriya Yoga?” Itried to postpone the explanation but she said it was urgentas that very night she had had a Sai Baba dream. In thisdream Baba had told her that she couldn’t proceed unlessshe practiced Kriya Yoga. Baba, (in the dream), then hadturned into a monk with long dark hair and dark beard.

As Sai Baba devotees normally dream of Him a lot, thosenights all the Masters were at work. The followingmornings I would listen to the most incredible stories oftheir dreams. There even was an American who had alreadybeen initiated by some acharya of the Self RealizationFellowship, but in the enthusiasm of the moment, he hadasked Brahmanandaji to initiate him again. Swamiji triedto dissuade him saying there was no need, but theAmerican insisted so much that eventually our lovingBrahmanandaji gave in and said he would. But next day,when I looked for him, somebody told me he was not thereas Yoganandaji had gone in his dream that very night andhad told him. “You stupid, what is this story to be initiatedagain?”

Practically I did nothing and Sai and the Kriya YogaMasters did everything.

On the very day Swamiji had arrived I had received somevery bad news from home that gave me great pain. Swamiji’speace, his quiet wisdom and his warm love helped me agreat deal to remain balanced and calm waiting for thenews to come by e-mail and the phone calls that in thefirst six days were only giving great concern, and sadness,but I managed to handle the entire blow with equanimity.But, as at night I always talk to Sai before falling asleep,those days I must have annoyed Him so much with myworries that eventually He came in a dream and told me:“Why do you keep on complaining, I have given you acushion to absorb the blow!” Well we were all laughingwhen I told Swamiji that Sai had compared him to acushion!! But, how true it was, he is so soft and loving,and how perfect the timings of the Lord! When Swamijileft, the problem dissolved into thin air.

would be nobody “to enjoy” he would be quite happy touse such days for his own seclusion.

Two weeks before Swami Brahmananda was about tocome, I told two friends of the possibility to be initiatedinto Kriya Yoga and soon after there were many peoplecoming for information on Kriya. The day Swamiji arrivedat Dharmavaram Railway Station, three of us went to meethim and, by the time of arrival he had given me, we wereon time, but there he was waiting for us as the train hadcome in half an hour earlier. Driving back home I had tocarefully avoid pigs, cows, dogs, bullock carts, tractors andchildren on the road, Swamiji seemed to be ratherconcerned about my driving and kept directing me on howto drive while holding on safely to the seat.

I had prepared a chair and all the ingredients to honour,in the Indian tradition, his arrival in my house, but alsoasked him to suggest what I was to do, as Love was all Iknew. It was so lovely to have Swami Brahmananda athome with us, such a peaceful loving presence! Nextmorning he went for darshan and, when he came back, Iinformed him there would be 20 people coming to meethim…but at ten o’clock well over 60 devotees arrived fullof enthusiasm. A never-ending beeline of westerners allin white kept on arriving. The veranda of my house couldhardly contain them all and their enthusiasm and keeninterest was so moving. When Swamiji gave his talk onKriya Yoga he started saying: “I wonder if I am in India! Somany westerners here!” I looked around and it really wasamazing. There were people from Mexico, Argentina,Poland, Russia, Spain, France, Italy and even one fromEgypt! We had to split them in two groups for two daysinitiation ceremonies. Meantime I came to know that these60 people were practically all sitting at darshan with lettersasking Sai’s permission. One of them even handed out toHim the program and Swami blessed it. Five of themreceived a “no” as an answer, but all the rest knew or feltSwami had approved. Prajnanananda had given me exactly55 folders to help in giving the information on Kriya Yogaand they were all handed out.


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Krishna Himself taught it to Arjuna, reintroducing theancient yoga, which is now known as Kriya Yoga. Saintsand sages of India have long practiced and spread thescience of yoga. In modern times, the timeless MahavatarBabaji Maharaj revived these teachings in 1861, andnamed the technique “Kriya Yoga”. In 1861, in a mountaincave near Ranikhet, in the Himalayas, Babaji passed allthe sacred instructions to Lahiri Mahasaya, who thenspread the sacred science as his mission. One of hisdisciples was Swami Shriyukteshwarji who had an ashramalso in Puri, Karar ashram, and here he initiatedYogananda and Hariharananda our own Gurudev, whowere both instructed by Babaji Himself and their Masterto spread it in the West.”

One evening, after the meditation class, some of us werecurious to know more about the mystifying meetingbetween Babaji and Lahiri Baba, so Swamiji asked us tosit around him and he told us the mesmerizing story: “Tobring down to earth his dream of saving humanity fromthe claws of ignorance, in 1828 Babaji sent one of hisadvanced disciples back to the world. This baby was namedShyama Charan, (later renown as Lahiri Mahasaya). Onemorning, Babaji appeared in his awe inspiring luminousform at the door of the temple and said, “Mother, I am aSannyasi, you have nothing to fear. Your child is not anordinary child. I have ordained him to show a very simplepath of self-realization both to householders andsannyasins.. He will show the way and lead many to thepath of self-realization. I will be like a shadow followinghis form, protecting and guiding him. Through this childmy dream and my resolve will ultimately concretize andbecome a reality.” Uttering these prophetic words, Babajivanished.

Babaji had planned that Lahiri Baba, in 1861, would betransferred to work to Ranikhet in the Himalayas. One day,while Lahiri Baba was walking along a solitary mountainpath, Babaji appeared out of thin air in front of him and,amazingly addressing him by his name, said, “ShyamaCharan! Why are you afraid? I knew you would come thisway. I have been waiting for you for years and years.

All the mothers would enthusiastically take turns tocook something special for Brahmanandaji, even Italiangnocchi and penne, but Pat would have almost themajority of the responsibility as she knew how to prepareIndian food better than anyone else, while I was thespecialist in simple boiled vegetable, sprouts, salads andfruit salads. One evening he noticed how one of us waspreparing chapattis, so he naturally walked into the kitchento teach us how to make perfect round balls and then hecooked the chapattis himself. The atmosphere wasextremely relaxed, always joyful and so spontaneous. Weall enjoyed the blessing to eat with him as if we were allone family and he would make us feel at ease with hisstories and gentle loving concern. I loved the stories ofPrajnananandaji and Brahmanandaji both still asbrahmacharis trying to have Sai Baba’s darshan during oneof the crowded Birthdays and how eventually they had towake up at two in the mornings to have a possibility toenter in the Mandir, plus all their difficulty in finding foodwithout garlic, onions and chilies and therefore theirconsequential forced fasting. I could picture them underthe meditation tree with their backs perfectly aligned,looking like bows ready to stroke arrows to the Lord.

When some devotees expressed their wish to know moreabout the origins of Kriya Yoga, Swami Brahmanandajikindly explained, “You see, in reality, the origins dateback to the dawn of consciousness. The ancient history ofKriya Yoga is mesmerizing. Its mystifying origins are anintermingling of mythology, history and science. Even theBhagavad Gita affirms that God first revealed this yoga toVivashvat, the sun-god, he passed the knowledge on tohis son Manu, Manu then transmitted it to his sonIkshvaku, founder of the first dynasty of kings in India.Thus this technique was orally transmitted from father toson, which metaphorically means from guru to disciple.In Indian mythology, even Rama and Krishna practicedand taught this technique. In the Bhagavad Gita you canfind the explanation on how this technique wastransmitted through a long line of Rishis, yet through theages, it has disappeared and reappeared several times.


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lotus posture. When Lahiri Baba bowed at His feet, Babajisaid, “All your earthly desires are now extinguished. I willinitiate you into the secret science of Kriya Yoga.” ByBabaji’s touch Lahiri Baba was anchored in the UltimateAwareness.

The palace disappeared back into the thought essencethat had created it, proving once again Babaji’s unlimitedspiritual power. Lahiri Baba entered the deepest stratumof God realization, the state of nirvikalpa samadhi. For sevendays he was established in constant God-consciousness;there was complete reunion of the individual soul withthe Oversoul.”

Swamiji asked if we wanted to hear some other storiesabout Babaji and obviously we all assented.

“ I was told that an American devotee had already spentfive years searching all over the Himalayas for Babaji, ashe wished to be his disciple, but when he finally cameinto Babaji’s presence, Babaji tested him. The foreignerhad to implore him many times to accept him as hisdisciple, but Babaji remained silent ignoring him.Distraught, the American menaced that he would die forBabaji if he would refuse to be his guru. Babaji remainedaloof. In agony the American jumped from the cliff crushinghis body on the rocks below. After some time Babaji askedhis disciples to bring back the dead body and when it waslaid at his feet, Babaji touched it and life came back intothe devotee that had proved his perseverance and earnestdesire. The American could enjoy the supreme experienceof being Babaji’s disciple in his ashram, which is protectedby an energy field from intruders, somewhere beyondBadrinath. Babaji also appeared to Shriyukteshwar, toParamahamsa Yogananda and Hariharananda Baba, andsurely to many other of his disciples.”

As in the garden there are hundreds of chipmunksracing up and down all the coconut trees, Brahmanandajiasked if we knew that only Indian chipmunks had the threestripes on their back and why. He told us that even thechipmunks, together with the monkeys, had been helpingRama to build the bridge across to Sri Lanka where He

Tonight, after your office work is over, come and meet meagain in this same place.” Lahiri Baba was bewildered anduncertain, but as Babaji’s enchanting and divine glancehad already pierced his heart, as soon as he finished hiswork, he rushed back to the mysterious appointment. LahiriBaba quickened his steps over the steep and dangerousridges of the mountains when, out of the blue, he againheard Babaji’s voice saying, “Come here, Shyama Charan!”As soon as Lahiri Baba stood in front of Babaji, his mindand heart became numb. The Sad Guru and the disciplewere reunited after many, many years. After seconds ofsilent bliss, Babaji took Lahiri Baba into a cave and askedhim if he recognized the place, or the tiger skin and thewater bowl that were in the cave. As Lahiri Baba remainedsilent, Babaji touched him on the head saying, “In yourpast life you practiced meditation in this cave. After yourdeath I have preserved the tiger skin and the water bowl. Ihave been waiting for 34 years.” At the Master’s touch, adivine electromagnetic current flowed throughout LahiriBaba’s body and the world disappeared from his mind.Slowly his past life as an ascetic surfaced in his mind andhe could recognize the eternal and sacred relationshipthat had always bound him to Babaji Maharaj. At this pointBabaji told Lahiri Baba that, before he could initiate himinto Kriya Yoga, he should take a dip in the nearby riverin order to purify his body and mind. At the same timeBabaji materialized some oil and asked him to drink it.While he was swimming in the river he was in divineecstasy at the blessing of the reunion with Babaji. Thatnight, at around midnight, one of Babaji’s disciples cameto call him and brought him to a magnificent palaceeffulgent with light. The disciple explained that in a pastlife he had desired to enjoy the luxury of a golden palaceand on this occasion the Mahayogi Babaji had created thatpalace to burn his last desire. This is one of the mostrenowned yogic leelas of Babaji. Lahiri Baba walkedthrough the luxurious palace totally mesmerized admiringthe jewel studded corridors and the lavishly decoratedhalls. Finally he reached the main hall where Babaji wassitting on a throne adorned with diamonds in his usual


had to go to rescue Sita. At the end Rama, out of gratitude,caressed them on their back with three of His fingers and,from that day onwards, Indian chipmunks had those threestripes on their back while all the other chipmunks aroundthe world didn’t. Even now, when I look at the chipmunksswiftly jumping from one tree to the other or chasing eachother with great cries of excitement, I smile at this beautifulstory realizing that everything in this country is suffusedwith Divine leelas.

After nine days that saw so many Sai Baba devoteespractice Kriya right after darshan and bhajans, we sawSwamiji pack his pink bag and with gratitude and love,seven of us accompanied him to the railway station as hewas moving on to further initiation programs, up north.We saw him stand at the train door waving gently at ustill the train disappeared. All of us knew the Lord of Parthihad offered us a great boon allowing this Kriya Yogainitiation program, here at His Lotus feet. On the way backfrom the railway station all the mothers were singingbhajans to soften up that sense of emptiness the departureof Swami Brahmananda had left in our hearts.

Once back at home, I walked around the garden insilence. After all the loving breeze of those nine days, Iwas settling back into my peaceful stillness, letting go ofall the organizational small duties. I welcomed mysolitude again, breathing in the sweetness and the love ofall the blessings received in these years. Love was all therewas. The memory of one of Prajnananandaji’s teachingslowly crept in, and my heart expanded in loving wonder:

“Teachers are like bottles of wine, drink the wine, butthen throw the bottle away.


Part III

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“Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identifyyourself with your role!”

This Was Not The End

C H A P T E R 15

One morning, after exactly 9 years permanentlyresiding in Puttaparthi, I was walking along the road infront of the schools to go and offer some bananas to SaiGita, Baba’s elephant, when a thunderbolt left me totallynumb. There was no one on the road when I saw Sai Baba’scar stop right next to me. The window of the rear seat cameslowly down and Sai simply said with a serious twinkle inHis huge loving eyes: “Get ready. Your time in Puttaparthihospital is over. The mountains will teach you the rest.”Then the car slowly left leaving me flabbergasted and in acloud of bewilderment. The bananas were rapidly stolenby a shrewd monkey that had noticed my non-centeredness, as I went on standing with my mouth openstaring into nothingness. I leaned against the compoundwall. The front part of my brain was full of light, and nothought could creep in. When I came back to my senses Iheard Sai’s voice say: “Do you want to know a secret? Not

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Rather confused I also went to Shirdi to see if, bychance, Shirdi Sai Baba, “the old man”, could subtly giveme the insight and clarity, but he must have been alliedwith Parthi Sai and ‘one’ in the mysterious plan. The oldmosque was packed full with visitors and devotees, butthere was an intense silence broken only by someenthusiastic, “Jay, jay, jay Sai Ram.” When I arrived infront of Shirdi Sai Samadhi I looked transfixed at his marblestatue, I could feel the piercing look for a fraction of asecond, and felt so embarrassed, as it seemed to say, “Whatis this story of leaving Parthi to come and see Me in theold form? You, little duckling!” So, after only two days, Ipacked, flew back and remained calm and quiet formonths relinquishing totally to try and understand whatwas in store for me.

Months went by and I had almost forgotten about thesingular “car darshan” and the intriguing instructions thatmy time in Puttaparthi was over. I had re-balancedeverything asserting and reassuring myself that therecould not be any other place on earth with the sameuplifting energy field. To be near Sai for me was the highestboon and therefore I had discarded the instructions, whichmeant leaving the form I loved most and all the “securities”I had recreated after having left the roots of a family andmy own country. Total surrender had not yet fullyhappened. This seemed to be a part of the learning process,but I could see it.

After nine months, in April, I suddenly decided to avoidthe usual, unbearable heat wave that was burning theSouth and bought a ticket to fly to Delhi, proceeded toRishikesh and then to the cooler regions of the Himalayas,without even thinking of Sai’s words. It simply happened.

I left Rishikesh early morning on a jeep. The driverassured me we would make it in three hours and startedclimbing up at full speed. Indians are not exactly baddrivers; in fact, I was quite impressed by the last minutereaction to any front collision risk, as they drive possessingthe road and imposing themselves exactly in the middleof the road ignoring any white line. As in reality Indiantaxi drivers are very good drivers, but incredibly reckless,


even karma exists. It is all an interwoven and complicateddesign of mine. I always was the One who blew yourthoughts and desires. I was the one who wrote the script ofthe comedy and I am also playing it. You were never thedoer. Let go of this sense of individual doership that isclouding your full apperception of the all-pervading Truth.Now I’ll lead you to this new stage, you should not eventry to see where you are going. I am guiding and holdingthe reins of your chariot. Leave fear, leave behind anysense of sin and guilt, as you never were the doer.”

I could not believe it. Mountains teaching me the rest?Where?

Hours went by and I saw myself roaming as a hermit,all-alone, from one temple to Himalayan peaks in rags,matted hair and dipping in the cold waters of the Ganga. Itook a shower and sat under my veranda peeping at thetiny birds sucking the nectar from flower to flower afterhaving examined the best ones. It is true, we have manyteachers if we attentively observe nature. The tiny birdhad hinted to the correct answer I was searching for, yet Idid not know where I was to go. Would I have to meet moreteachers? I looked around at the beautiful garden I hadtenderly grown under adverse conditions, at the two dogs,at all I had built in those years. The house was the roots Ihad again set up to tie me down to Sai’s energy field andnow I was asked to move from my safe nest into unknownregions. The strange thing was that for a few months a ropebridge connecting two mountains kept appearing in frontof my mind’s eye and I would see Prajnananandajimeditating on the opposite bank of Ganga. I discarded thebubble vision and never gave it any importance.

I tried to see Sai’s words as having only a metaphoricalmeaning. I had heard Sai explain, that the Himalayanpeaks were the higher and cooler regions of apperceptionand knowledge represented by the regions above the crownchakra. I kept telling myself that I would understand lateron and I should better stop worrying about it, as suchhigher levels could happen to be reached even remainingin Puttaparthi as Sai was there.

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straight to the heart, as they were conveyed with thegreatest sense of humour. The Sivananda Kutir inGaneshpur is a warm nest of love and Swamiji just giggleswatching all what happens as God’s funniest play, he oftenbreaks into roaring laughter. Obviously his attitudetowards the world was so contagious, that all the inmateswere enjoying a very relaxed and peaceful retreat. He usedto say that in his ashram there were no rules and all hewanted was that we enjoyed God on the banks of GangaMa. The guesthouse of the ashram used to be SwamiChidanandaji’s Hermitage and the atmosphere wasinspiring and very conducive to spontaneously shift intocontemplation and natural all day long concentration onour Reality.

One morning I took a taxi to go and explore the viewsalong Ganga towards Harsil, but a few kilometers afterGaneshpur, I happened to look out of the window, andbehind a bend, I saw a rope bridge. It was exactly like therope bridge I had seen for months in front of my mind’seye, while still in Puttaparthi. I asked the driver toimmediately stop the car and stepped out. The air was cool,birds were chirping on a nearby tall fir tree and Ganga Mawas flowing at great speed under the rope bridge. On theopposite bank I noticed some terraced fields directlyoverlooking Ganga with a splendid view of the mountains;rhododendrons were dotting, in sparkling red colours, thepine forest. Thousands of yellow flowers melted into theviolet-pink of the erica borders over the old-mossy stonewalls. The nearest village was nested higher up and thewood huts with slate roofs were the perfect frame to adreamland. It was so beautiful! Being on the opposite bankof Ganga, there was no traffic, no noise and no pollution.The thought immediately came, “This is it. Ask if there isany available land for sale.”

An old man appeared out of the blue and I asked ifthere was any land for sale. The answer was yes. Then Iwondered what would be the sense in enjoying all thisbeauty alone, so the very next day I e-mailed toPrajnananandaji asking if he would like to have a placenear Uttarkashi as a Hermitage. I did not receive an


I still wonder why India has not yet produced a world-class rally driver. Overtaking on blind curves seems to bethe favorite sport, and overtaking someone who is currentlyovertaking somebody else is excitingly normal. The ruleto drive on the left is more a rule to make sure that whenyou’re in a head-on situation, both drivers are going toswerve left to avoid each other. My driver was no exception.Being endowed with great commonsense all the monkeyswere rushing to climb up safe trees, as soon as they heardthe car coming, and peeped to see if any food was thrownout of the window. In this case only the females wouldrush down with tiny baby monkeys firmly grasping theirmothers’ waists from under their tummies. The malemonkeys would usually wait in a safe spot and then, whenthe car had disappeared and they felt it was safe, theywould chase the courageous and hungry females to grabthe food they had conquered. The road we were hurtlingalong was about as busy as a western motorway would be,but the traffic jam was usually due to hundreds of buffaloesslowly and steadily moving up towards greener pastures.The driver was constantly using his horn slalomingthrough the buffaloes, but they nonchalantly ignored hisnoise and never budged one inch.

When we reached Uttarkashi, I wasn’t looking atsomething that I would have normally recognized as atown. It actually was a lawless and crammed market place.The streets were packed with mules carrying bricks andcement, buses and jeeps were hooting frantically andswerving to find their way between hordes of Nepalesecarrying all sorts of merchandises on their back. Piles ofrubbish right outside each vegetable shop attracted thecows that would never dream of abandoning their positionand placidly blocked the flow of the traffic. Uttarkashi isnot only the last base for the sadhus before reachingGangotri, but also the last village for all tourists andclimbers where they could buy some provisions beforereaching the famous pilgrimage center.

This time I stopped at the Sivananda Ashram inGaneshpur, where Swami Premanandaji welcomed mewith great love and inspirational short teachings that went

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local mules with a team from another village at far morereasonable rates, but then I had to witness a funny battleon the famous rope bridge over Ganga, where all the wivesof the local mule owners had come rushing down from thevillage with all sorts of arms to “mule-nap” the enemy-mules, setting them free and scaring them so that theywould scatter in the nearby forest where they got lost underthe risk of being killed by ferocious animals if we did notrun at their rescue before nightfall, so we had to help androam for hours in the mountains to get them back to theintrusive new mule owner. The mule owners apparentlybelonged to Brahmin families, as the majority of theinhabitants there, but maybe all good teachings had gonelost due to great poverty and no proper instructions ondharma, but yet went around feeling proud of theirorthodox thread and pony-tail, as the caste system stillhas great importance with all its misunderstandings anddrawbacks. What obviously shocked me most was thatwomen were used and abused as labour and always feltgreat pangs when I saw them overloaded with cow food forwhich they had to climb up and down the mountains bentdown by the weight.

Skinny cows and goats would often pass near theashram and once I noticed that a huge fluffy sheep-dog,very similar to a Chow-Chow inbred with a Labrador, waswearing a twenty centimeters wide metal collar with nailspeeping out 3 inches from the metal base and I wonderedwhy it had to go around wrapped up in such uncomfortablearmour. The local villagers explained that there were tigersand leopards roaming in search of food and they wouldcome down to this village from the thick forest in search ofgoats, dogs and cows. In those days I was still sleeping inthe hut with the toilet outside, and each night I wouldcarefully repeat my mantra before exploring with my torchif the path to the toilet was safe, then ran as fast as I could.One late evening, in full light and at a few meters fromour Hermitage, we saw three huge cats with a dottedyellow-brown coat jumping on a cow. Well, their pajamaswere not striped as tigers; still the poor cow was devouredin a few hours time, a few meters from our ashram. I had


immediate positive answer, but in a few days he acceptedand gave all the recommendations to what I had to payattention to: land slides, danger of falling rocks and toinquire if the currents would corrode the land. The Swamiin charge of the Sivananda Kutir came to give the ok as“super-safe” and kindly contacted the owners, overseeingthat all papers were in order and the sellers are the actualowners, as there can always be quite a risk here in India.In a few weeks all was registered and a design got readyfor the main building.

Whose dream was it? I soon received a letter from oneof the Kriya Yoga monks saying that through thisinsignificant “me” God had fulfilled one of his andPrajnananandaji’s cherished desires. This gave me joy. Aplan of God had concretized for the monks, but what sensedid it have for me? Prajnananandaji advised me to stay inthe Himalayas and meditate, so I added his advice to the“car darshan instructions”, signed a pre-agreement of salefor the Puttaparthi house and started moving towards thehigher regions full of love and enthusiasm.

For a few months I lived in one of the first wood huts wehad built to oversee the construction of the main building,but as I had discovered that huge rats were jumping onmy tummy at night and to live there for long periods, Irealized that I may need more western comforts like anattached bathroom, so I decided to start building anothercottage. Here we go again building like Mila Repa. InAugust, I shifted to Uttarkashi to follow the constructionof the cottage facing all sorts of Himalayan difficulties, asall materials had to be transported by mules from the otherside of Ganga and often from Rishikesh or Dehradun andthe quality of the labour was quite approximate andtherefore one always had to be on the alert. I had to carryon the coordination without knowing one word of Hindi,mimicking how they had to carry out the architect’sdesigns as none of them could read them or how to fix abathtub or a faucet that they had never seen before. Havingverified the costs I even had to face the battle with localmule owners who had doubled the costs of transport andbe always on the watch-out. I once tried to substitute the

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merged and absorbed in God. He had traveled throughoutthe world leaving a trail of love. A great dispeller ofignorance, a most loved Teacher, a compassionate fatherfor one and all. Just as the blazing sun cannot disappear,his light and love will surely continue to illuminate allhis devoted disciples remaining forever in our midst andin our hearts. Although, spiritually, Guru is always withus, still at his Mahasamadhi all would miss his love, hishealing smile and his divine play.

In his last public discourse, till the very end, Gurudevwas stressing again and again: “Guru Purnima Day is aspecial day. Love Guru. In every feeble breath, you cansearch Him on the head to attain liberation, very shortfeeble breath. God is inhaling from the beginning andfinishing everything. Watch it. Watch Him, every moment,here in the fontanel - (and he would point his finger at thetop of his head.) Every moment you will hear sound on thetop. Every moment you will take a short feeble breath.Search Him and feel the Supreme Lord is at the top of yourhead, shouting. In every moment you are to watch. Thepower of God is within you. The real ‘I’ is within you andHe is inhaling from the top. You will see also all the Masters,Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya, Bhupendranath Sanyal,Paramahamsa Yogananda, Swami Satyananda, SwamiHariharananda here. You will see the light and feel thepulsation. Love God. God is inhaling and that is why youare alive. Be realized. Follow me all the time. Do not worshipme, be like me.”

I remembered one of his favorite sayings, “ We are eatingthe skin of the banana, but we are throwing the bananaaway.” This saying of Gurudev will always remind me thatI should never forget that the best thing in life is Godrealization and not to waste time busying myself with anyother interest or activity.

I arrived in Puri just in time to be present when theHoly Body of Gurudev arrived at Bhuvaneshwar Airport andwas taken to Hariharananda Gurukulam, in Balighai. Inthe small thatch roofed hut, the coffin was opened andGurudev’s body was lovingly laid on a pink bed full of rose


faced cobras, but tigers and leopards seem to be a littletoo much as a test on faith avoiding fear! But this was whereI happened to be as per God’s plan, so I had to accept itand put up with it.

Once the new cottage was ready, I enjoyed a long periodof deep quietude, stillness and silence. I used to spendhours just watching Ganga, take a dip in Her cold waters,listen to the roar of Her water rushing down tumultuously.These rhythms allowed me to naturally slip into periodsof concentration and the body started to vibrate soforcefully that I could no longer ignore being mereconcentrated energy and not that container made up ofthe elements that constitute body. It was an incrediblyelevating and beautiful period. I would work in the gardenfor a few hours, often had elevating few minutes talks withsome of the monks and then retreat inside in great peace.But when I really thought I had now nicely settled underall point of views, believing the worst part of the path hadpast, the mind went on strike. It could not bare the totalsilence any longer. In the beginning, to cajole the mindand keep it happy as I understood it needed some foodand could not fast for too long, I would go for two or threedays to Rishikesh where there were people to see, bhajansand bells ringing in the festive and less austereatmosphere. Then I would retreat back to the silence ofHariharananda Tapovanam. Not at all easy.

At the Hermitage the telephone was not alwaysworking, but we had been informed that Gurudev,Paramahamsa Hariharananda (Baba), was not well and allthe Swamis had left for Miami. Prajnananandaji hadinterrupted his program in London and had also reachedhis beloved Gurudev. Two weeks went by and only on the5th of December we came to know that HariharanandaBaba had breathed his last and had shed his mortal frameafter one week in hospital surrounded by his monks andthe mothers of the Ashrams.

Hariharananda Baba was one of the greatest livingrealized Masters in Kriya Yoga, a legend among thespiritual seekers. He had attained nirvikalpa samadhi, thestate of no pulse and no breath, the state of cessation of allactivities in the body, mind, thought, intellect and ego,

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“Why were you not here? You are stupid. Go back to yourhut and stay there. I will call you if and when I want tospeak to you!” something broke inside with a thud of painand the mind started a revolution. I obviously obeyednumb and silently retreated to my hut and started crying.Nobody came to call me for dinner and I skipped it. I wouldnot dare go out without being called. The night fell and insheer breathless confusion, feeling cold both inside andoutside, I tried to find peace in a few hours of sleep, but itwas not possible. Some brahmachari had told me that byscolding saints and gurus take away karma. Well I didnot believe any of this stuff and felt hurt.

The mind just went on thinking that I had just signed asale agreement for the Puttaparthi house and could notgo back. What to do? What was this trap Sai had preparedfor me? I heard a knock on the door and a voice saying SaiRam. I looked at the watch and noticed it was 3 am. Iopened the door and saw Prajnananandaji. He was wearinga red woolen cap down to his eyebrows, red cheeks due tothe five degrees under zero. With a bewitching smile hesaid, “My disease is that I never sleep and I had gone for awalk when I saw your candlelight on. I know you are hurtand you have been crying all night. Let me come in. I onlywanted to scold the monk, but you arrived first.” All mypain poured out and I am afraid I said what I thought Iwould never be able to say to him, “I do not like you anylonger. You made me cry and I feel all this is like a militarycamp. You have changed after Gurudev’s Samadhi. I wantto go away from you.” Seeing my predicament andexhaustion he started giggling, pushed the door openignoring my fury and sat laughing at me. I pointed at allthe photos of Sai, the 7 Kriya Masters, Hariharananda andhis (10 in total) and said, “Look where I have ended! Somany gurus! Too many! Now I am in confusion!” Hepatiently listened, stroked my head and then, out of theblue, he commanded, “Shut the mind.” This was allhe said.


petals to allow all the Indian devotees to have his lastdarshan. After 13 days from his Mahasamadhi, there wereneither signs of decay nor decomposition. A fragrance ofdivine love filled the tiny room where thousands came tobow with tears rolling freely down their cheeks. I had neverseen so many saints and sadhus sincerely sharing thegrief of such a huge loss. The beeline to the small hut hadto be kept in order and silence, but it was impossible asfeelings were too powerful. When I finally found a momentto walk in to bow at Gurudev’s feet and felt the stiffness, Ilooked at Prajnananandaji. He was looking distraught,desperate and on the verge of collapsing due to his deepsorrow and the many sleepless nights. I realized in thatmoment that he would now be Gurudev and all the weightof responsibilities was falling on his shoulders.

On the 15th of December Gurudev’s sacred body wascarried by all his monks, who had completely shaved theirhair, to the place of Samadhi that had been prepared inthe middle of the forest. There was an unbelievable crowdand the atmosphere was of astonishment for the loss anddeepest love. All paid their tributes at the Samadhi shrine.

After a few days I sat at Prajnananandaji’s feet for a shortconversation. I felt a different strength, a different poweremanating from him; I could not recognize the usualsoftness and an unusual feeling of awe pervaded the hut.He was sitting on a chair looking down at me and I knewI had lost the intimacy I used to feel. I wished to saysomething, but I could find no words. His look was no morethe same.

In January 2003, Prajnananandaji arrived to overseethe progress of the ashram’s initial lay out. I was misled bywrong information and went down to meet him halfway atthe Sivananda Kutir together with the monk in charge,but we did not see his car pass by. When he arrived at theashram with a group of people no food was ready and theplace almost deserted. After a few hours of waiting Ireturned and happily went to bow. I was startled to findan iceberg scolding me with such force that I thought Ihad gone back to childhood and when I heard the words,

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nightmare of thoughts and the mind, as soon as a thoughtaroused, would categorize it as negative or positive. Theego would react pestering my life stating with the newlyacquired “holy” attitude, “I want positive thoughts or nothoughts.” This was the main trap, the involvement createdby my ego with its deep-rooted set of concepts. I tried hardto simply witness the arising thoughts, knowing theywould not have a chance to survive if I would not offer themind a chance to categorize it as good or bad, thusremaining in the peaceful, impartial and neutral state.As I believed that the ultimate teaching was silence andno concepts, on the contrary, my mind was like atumultuous flow of thoughts making an incredible clatter.

My thinking mind was creating reactions everywhere,so all kinds of differences were propping up inrelationships or environments and there was no peaceanywhere. I started an intense program of keeping themind busy if not concentrated. I tried digging in thegarden or writing and translating all day knowing that ifI concentrated the working mind, which is the thinkingmind’s great enemy, I could annihilate its wanderings.When I am engrossed in a job, my thinking mind has nospace to bring in other thoughts, and that state of mind forme is as good as concentration or repeating a mantra. Iknew it was my thinking mind that was creating theinvolvement, and the only solution was to use the workingmind as a tool to shut the noises of thoughts, simply byconcentrating the working mind in carrying out its tasks.By keeping my mind totally focused and concentrated Iwould have avoided conceptualizing, as it really was mymajor enemy and my worst habit. I had always had thetendency to compare and judge events from my limitedstandpoint and conditioning, so I had to face it once andfor all. Yet the more I tried to keep the mind centered, allwas against my efforts and funny things happened so thatI would be forced not to concentrate. It was always rainingand I could not potter around in the garden plus due toelectricity problems, I had to change three computers asthey all got burnt, so I could not work on any book andwas left sitting and staring out into the void with a mind

The Odyssey Continues


C H A P T E R 16

“Of the many earnest, and how earnest, people we may observe reading,attending lectures, studying and practicing disciplines, devoting theirenergies to the attainment of liberation which is by definitionunattainable. How many are not striving via the ego-concept which isitself the only barrier between what they think they are and that whichthey wish to become but always have been and always will be?”

Soon in the inner instrument-mind turmoil andupheaval reflected, echoed and concretized in all aspectsof my life, both in practical worldly matters and in a neverending and new spiritual crisis. Strange games went onas far as the sale of the house, other problems cropped up,totally out of my control that seemed worst than tsunami.Initially I fell in the trap and I obviously got involved inone of those peculiar “flip flop” that happen while you arelearning and not yet completely grounded in theexperience of the teaching. I had lost all grip on the mind,which was like a wild rabbit running here and there andthe confusion became even worse. Thoughts wereuncontrollable and creating havoc especially if comparedto the utter silence of the Hermitage atmosphere. Yet therewas nothing I could do, and I had to undergo the violentnew aggression of the mind in total bewildered acceptance,as nothing would help. Meditation sessions became a

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??Minds like dry wood, which succeed but only aftersome time.

??Minds like green logs, which resist the onslaught ofthe fire of wisdom, jnana, with all their might.

I admitted and recognized that my mind was like a wetgreen log. But the Sun god would dry the log exactly inGod’s timing and as per His will and not one minute beforeor after. I could not force events.

Two years passed in turmoil, shifting all over India, fromHimalayas to Orissa and down South to Bangalore orPuttaparthi, yet always feeling uprooted and out of place.I often went back to Uttarkashi for periods of silence andcontemplation. Some times it was easy and some timesmore difficult, but I insisted on my tentative sadhana andstarted to give more and more space to personalinvestigation rather than reading or looking outside.During one of my periods at the Hariharananda TapovanamAshram, one morning I went to the e-mail shop where Imet a strange Chinese with flowing white hair and beardreaching his breast, who told me that he had just arrivedfrom Gangotri where he had the joy of attending the mostenlightening teachings imparted by an Avadhoota whowas spending the summer months up in a small ashram.He also stressed that for him the small ashram had turnedinto his personal Shangri-La as the teachings were a sumof Tao and Vedanta.

I felt attracted to go and found no obstacles inorganizing it.

The drive up from Uttarkashi to Gangotri is a sheer visualdelight with sharp twists and turns. Sometimes the roadascends high above the valleys while at other times it dropsright down to the Bhagirathi River. At Harsil the riversuddenly opens out cutting a broad path with white sandybeaches on both sides. The valley is surrounded byawesome snow-peaks and the deepest blue sky dotted withfew pale pink clouds playing hide and seek behind themajestic snowy peeks. It is a pleasure to breathe intotal silence.


shouting HURRAY I HAVE WON THE BATTLE! No techniquewould help. The mind was running wild. I took up studyingthe Scriptures and the more I studied and knew that themind was inert, but appears to be alive because it is infusedwith atmic consciousness, the more thoughts of angerarose. A disaster.

I knew that if desires vanished, the mind would beannihilated and that when we stand as witnesses ofdesires, of each thought stemming on the surface of themind, without welcoming them or avoiding them, theconceptualizing mind quietly settles down in silence. Isat for weeks witnessing a never-ending flow of reactions,preferences and all sorts of desires sprouting in the mind.By witnessing and not getting involved in any new desiresprouting in the mind, the flow of related thoughts anddesires should have ended, but the result was exactly theopposite. The main cloud would be, “Why has Sai told methat He is the one blowing each thought and desire? ThenHe was not helping at all! Where does my responsibilitylie? Is there anything I can do to accelerate this progressor not?” Obviously in this state of confusion also the bodystarted its revolution and a very painful arthritis andspondilitis blocked it and I had enormous difficulty inpracticing the mudras that are part of the technique, andI felt guilty. Sin and guilt are great enemies, but this wasthe conditioning I had received both through the Catholicupbringing and in many of the new teachings received inIndia. So I started analyzing deeply Sai’s words. Who isthe doer? What is my action if it is all God? I am lived byGod? Am I a computer with inputs and outputs? Theanswer seemed to be that as all was God, He was thedreamer of this dream and I was merely dreamt. Difficultto accept, but this is what transpired and I had to turn allmy attitude 180 degrees.

I had scribbled on my note pad what the wise say aboutthe various states of mind:

??Minds like ginned cotton, ready to receive the sparkof wisdom or jnana and to give up in one instant blaze theweaknesses and prejudices of ages.

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was still cold. It was early May and the pilgrims seasonhad just started, but some seekers along with the usualrenunciates, monks and sadhus seemed to have had animportant appointment up there. The fire colours of therenunciates make the tiny hamlet look like a field full ofpoppies. Indian tourists wander around for a few hoursand disappear again in the same day or proceed walkingto Gaumukh to worship the sacred source of the Ganges.

The night before I arrived, a snow slide had respectfullyand devotedly stopped a few meters from the GangotriTemple, which is one of the four Himalayan most famousand sacred pilgrimage centers further to Kedarnath,Badrinath and Yamunotri. Coming back from the maintemple, I stopped for a hot cup of tea and was delightedthat the roar of Ganga, flowing under the wooden chai shop,forced the only two visitors to raise their voices, as I couldclearly overhear an interesting conversation between abrahmachari and an old monk. The old monk wasexplaining in the most remarkable English with a slightFrench accent: “The term awareness gives the impressionthat there are two separate states. They are not two, butone state, as there are not two different kinds ofConsciousness. All is energy and there exists nothing elseexcept the very same energy. Everything just happens. Youcannot think or talk, cannot do anything. Consciousnessis doing it. Yet, at the same time it is Consciousnessconfusing you making you think that you can “thinkor do.”

They were sitting at a corner table and when our eyesmet, we smiled at each other and our hands gently wentto our hearts in a sign of respectful recognition of eachother’s Divinity. The brahmachari was a young boy of about20 and was dressed in light yellow cotton. He sat straightand listened with full attention, totally riveted by theexplanations, his eyes sparkling in bewilderment andfinally pulled his breast out and commented: “I am sure Ihave discrimination and I will practice to attain Selfrealization. My teacher told me to stay up here for sixmonths, as tapas, and God will reward my efforts grantingenlightenment.” The old monk adjusted his ochre woolen


Practically in Harsil the rocky Himalayas turn into aminiature Switzerland with apple and cherry trees all inblossom, neat wood cottages with red geraniums in fullflower and huge fir and pine trees swishing in an Om soundas if they were echoing Ganga and highlighting thespiritual experience of the great Himalayan range in allits glory – beautiful rivers, gushing streams, hot springs,waterfalls, enchanting forests, peaks which seem to touchthe sky, green meadows and treacherous glaciers, God’shandiwork in all its glory. A legend prevails in themountain villages that on moonlit nights the restless ghostof Raja Wilson regularly rides his half Arab-gray horseacross the rocky trails and the ancient Ganga weeps insympathy at Harsil as she listens to the retreating hoofbeats swing by a dilapidated bungalow which once washis happy residence. Raja Wilson as he was referred to,settled down with a local Garwali girl in a beautifulmansion and mystery still shrouds the story and theorigins of this British gentleman who took refuge amongstthe Garwali Himalayas, at Harsil, after having left theBritish army in disgrace. Further to introducing in thispart of the Himalayas all the apple and cherry trees, hebuilt the suspension bridge at the nearby Bhairon GhatiGorge over the Jadh Ganga. When it was completed thelocals were too petrified to venture over it, so Raja Wilson,leaping on his Arab, galloped up and down the bridgevarious times to show it was safe.

After crossing the Jadh Ganga River, the road winds toa halt in Gangotri at the height of ten thousand feet. Whenthe colour of the rocks of Ganga looses its usual rustyshades and becomes white, the flowing water is transparentor pale green. About 19 kilometers further up in Gaumukhis the source of the Bhagirathi River, which eventuallybecomes Ganga and still further up the mountain thefamous steep track to Tapovan, which carries on towardsBadrinath. The gates of the temple dedicated to Gangaclose down on Diwali each year and open again in May.During this time the idol of the goddess resides at Mukbhavillage near Harsil. Gangotri, from May to October is aworld of its own. In Gangotri there were few visitors as it

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o’clock, but the shop was closing down, as there were nocustomers and I saw the owner embarrassed on what todo or not as the brahmachari seemed to be in a world apart.At this point the monk suddenly reappeared and clappedhis hands making a great noise, the brahmachari openedhis eyes startled and the monk told him, “See you havewoken up! In this very moment you are in the present. I’lltell you a Zen koan: If a man puts a gosling into a bottleand feeds it until it is full-grown, how can the man get thegoose out without killing it or breaking the bottle?” A koanis insoluble, you can only dissolve it. In the same way,you are to dissolve your mind full of concepts. A Masterhas to find a trick to wake you up. Destroy ‘the ego’, houndit, beat it, snub it. Tell the ego to get off and jump intoGanga. Great fun, no doubt, but where is the ego? Mustyou not find it first? Isn’t there a word about catching yourgoose before you can cook it? The great difficulty here isthat there isn’t one.”

The young brahmachari was startled. He was lookingso lost that I almost felt like taking him in my arms tocuddle him like a baby. It seemed as if his personality hadbeen totally dismantled. His confusion was ‘perfect order’and I felt he would soon be happy for the earthquake thesenior monk had set him into, as it would eventually resultjust “perfect divine timing.”


shawl around his shoulders and laughed aloudcommenting: “ Attain what? There is absolutely nothingto attain and nothing you can do. Even Reality is a concept.Show me Reality if you can! You are confused, my dearboy, there really is no one to care whether enlightenmentis going to happen or not, not even the ego exists. Ponderover this ultimate Truth all your life. In reality there isnothing you can do and nothing to attain or reach as youare already It. All is God and there is nothing but God. Sowhy bother about efforts? Even enlightenment is aconcept….and most of all it is a happening by God’s will.”He laughed aloud adding: “Even God is a concept. Youprojected something as God that does not exist. RamanaMaharshi used to say – Nothing has happened; there hasbeen no creation. –So all we are left with is silence. Nomind as even the substance of the mind is God and anythought is prompted by God. All events happen and actionstake place, but there is no individual doer, only destinyas a result of the Cosmic Law, which is no other than GODor the Source. It really is quite useless to go onconceptualizing. The only thing you can do is to carry ona personal investigation on who is the doer and you willsurely arrive at the understanding that any action was ahappening due to something you had seen, heard orsmelled. Self-analysis is the way. In stillness and silenceall answers will be given to you from within, that is allthat has to be known and everything else is a concept.What if mere bulbs thought they were giving light withoutrealizing that without the electrical current they wouldnot be able to do anything at all? In the sun you see yourshadow. It is real to the extent that you can see it, but it isan illusion, as it has no independent existence. The bodyis a primary illusion and the shadow is a secondaryillusion. All this is the total illusion of the great leela. The“LEELA”, God’s play, is the smartest trap we are todismantle, as also the leela is an illusion “

The old monk got up and left the brahmachari broodingover his words totally spaced out. Then he closed his eyesand remained absorbed in nothingness. I sat silently asthe monk’s clarity had reached my heart. It was only six

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words: simplicity, contentment and completeness. He wasembodying a life of humility and moderation, and at theage of seventy-eighty years he modeled a pure way of living– simply and honestly – with infinite patience,renunciation and total contentment.

Ramanandaji, the young brahmachari dressed inyellow that I had noticed in the chai shop, was also livingin the small ashram. He told me he had had great difficultyin finding his actual guru, as in all the teachers he hadmet, he had found some inconsistencies either in theirbehaviour, honesty or integrity, but all the wise ones hehad met had certainly served as stepping-stones for hisspiritual progress, which he thought had landed in safehands with Sri Sri Ravi Shankara. Now, after his long talkwith the old Swami from Kerala, he thought that he hadfound the perfect fitting concepts, and was sadly broodingover abandoning the actual mentor and guide. He felt thatthe talk with the old monk could not have been acoincidence; Ramanandaji sincerely believed it was acircumstance sent by God to set him in furtherdiscrimination and deeper understanding. The followingmorning I noticed the pain in the boy’s eyes when he wastalking again with the old Kerala Monk and hinting at theunavoidable consequence of having to move away fromhis previous teacher. The old monk reassured him, “Thereexists no eternal bond or loyalty to a teacher, as all aremere concepts of being separate.” Ramanandaji inquiredwhy he was suffering and what part of him was suffering.The answer came in a whisper followed by a loud laughter,“You ask me who is suffering? My boy, it is the infamousego!” Ramanandaji smiled and relaxed. His eyes wereglowing in relief and his pores were oozing out ablissful energy.

Another inmate of the ashram was Atmanandaji, afatherly yet elusive figure appearing extremely grounded.He was a commentator of Shankaracharya’s AdvaitaVedantic teachings, dedicating his entire time to scripturaltruths and to the possibility of practical application. Hisbrimming knowledge of Advaita Vedanta was a cool showerand set any inquiry of the mind at rest. He once told

Tao Masters used to instruct their disciples to kill the Buddha if theyhappened to meet Him.

Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, adream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’.

The only real service we can render to that which we perceive and interpretin phenomenal existence as ‘others’ is by awakening to universalconsciousness ourselves.

The Avadhoota

C H A P T E R 17

I was a guest of the tiny ashram that the Chinese hadcalled his Shangri-La. I was quite surprised to notice thatalso the old monk was staying in the same place as I did.Next day we were in the garden just before lunch. Herecognized me as the silent listener of his long talk withthe brahmachari and with a few words informed me thatthe Avadhoota was generally giving his talks at 5 pm everyevening. The ashram was small, but well maintained; acheerful pink colour on the walls had just substituted theoriginal grimy white whitewash. We sat in a narrowrectangular room, which was used as dining, living andprayer hall. The Swami in charge was both sweet andloving and, although he was in silence, we could managesome understanding through glances and smiles or a fewwords scribbled on a tiny blackboard. He was a ball ofpeace. One could feel such peace near him, a softness deepin the heart that is difficult to describe but with three

The Avadhoota

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enormous figure with incredible blue eyes, pale white skinand white hair walked in the small conference roomradiating his joy of peace. We were about twenty personspresent. The usual hassle around a renown enlightenedone did not break the overwhelming impact of a powerfulbomb of love and the joy of peace. I was allowed to bowafter queuing for a few minutes and when I stood up readyto step back, his glance became piercing for a few fractionsof a moment, then I heard: “Oh, you are here! I will seeyou and talk to you tomorrow.” I turned back to see towhom He was talking and noticed everyone was giggling.Obviously no normal introduction with names and “Howdo you do?” Just a silent eye-to-eye communion. Then,in a fluid motion another person bowed and I sat squattingdown trying to lean against a wall to avoid pain.

The saint looked around the room in silence for a whileand then said, “For to-night, only a few short commentsfor you to pin down and brood over, as I have received thenews of a good friend of mine arriving from Trivandrumand, if you please excuse me, I would like to spend a fewhours with him. But waiting till tomorrow, chewing a fewconcepts, may help you place before me some moreinteresting questions tomorrow.” He got up and wrote onthe blackboard the following sentences, then walked outsilently, but making sure that we were all copying theteachings he had written on the blackboard.• Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless

attempt to traverse a window-pane, while the other halfof the window is wide open?

• How many of the disciplines, exercises, practicesrecommended as helpful, or even necessary, for theattainment of Satori are not in fact consequences ofthat state erroneously suggested as means?

• There seem to be two kinds of seekers:those who seek to make their ego something other thanit is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you couldmake a fish un-fish), and those who understand thatall such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done,

Ramanandaji and me, “Wisdom is a transparency, anunclouded vision. Wisdom is unclouded by thoughts.Thoughts are like dust on the mirror of your mind. Dusttends to continuously gather even on a bathroom mirror,day and night. So you have to clean it very often. In thesame way one has to be even more alert about the innercapacity of reflection. You are to die to the past and beborn anew, so you have to constantly cleanse the mind.The function of a Master is to undo what the society hasdone to you and help to trigger off all the in-groovedtendencies or samskaras. Concepts and theories must beerased. Become an ordinary person with no pretensions,no concepts. In this way wisdom blooms and you’ll be ableto live in the moment.”

Ramanandaji told him that he was afraid to lose controlduring meditation, so he kindly clarified, “Samadhi is nota dysfunctional state in which one loses one’s faculties.On the contrary, it is the settling into higherconsciousness, which attunes one to the surroundingreality. Mental balance is a basic requirement for achievingsamadhi. Like a pendulum that has come to rest, the mindceases to oscillate between extremes. It is not a temporaryloss of consciousness nor a temporary heightening ofconsciousness. Samadhi certainly does not denote analtered state brought on by hysteria. We can recognize thestate of samadhi by the effect it has on the person and theattitude one has towards himself and others. Samadhicombines equanimity (sama) and intelligence (dhi). Byintelligence it is meant the recognition and fundamentalgrasping of equality of every being. Not only will all feelingsof fear disappear, but even notions such as heat and cold,grief and joy, good and bad, will become meaningless.Samadhi is an often-misunderstood word and freelymisapplied. All kinds of emotional upsurges, attacks ofhysteria, nervous breakdown, neurotic fits are oftenextolled and exalted as samadhi. The actual meaning ofsamadhi is an unruffled and balanced intellect.”

Out of the blue the sound of many conches broke thesilence, welcoming the time for meeting with the saintwho was honoured as an Avadhoota. A peaceful and

The Avadhoota

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The clue was living in the present accepting all as God’splay and meeting whatever was in store as karmic loops,or wrong thoughts, with detachment and non-involvement.The technique appeared to be only one, constant Self-inquiry asking myself, “Who is giving me thoughts? Whois the prompter of any action or plan? Was I ever the doer?”The Hindus who had always believed in predestinationwere surely more facilitated by the environmentalconditioning, but for a Westerner brought up as the doer,it was more complicated dismantling and reconditioningthe mind. Whenever I got distracted from personalinvestigation, the thinking mind would grasp the reinsagain and the involvement made me suffer even more. Theteachings I had met on the way served as a preparation fora deeper kind of letting go of my self-conceived project to“achieve” enlightenment, as I was taught to watch Godeating, seeing and speaking, but now I felt the need andthe urge to go deeper and deeper. I had no expectationsand enjoyed being in such a stimulating company up inGangotri. Ganga was the epicenter of all our attentionduring the day and I intuitively knew that this great saint’spresence and his establishment in truth could further helpmy Self-discovery. I knew that I was born alone, woulddie alone and no one could make it for me, yet a clue, apush or a spark of truth always reaches us at the rightmoment and if properly chewed and pondered, suchmeetings had always helped me to shift from stagnationin-between two levels of understanding. Each step lednearer and nearer to the re-discovery of the Truth that weare. All steps were necessary and no mistake was ever done.

The next day at 5pm Atmanandaji was sent to look forme. We walked up to a room where the Avadhoota wassitting amidst the small group. I folded my hands in thetraditional namaste gesture, uncertain if I would have tobow or not. A wink of the eye was the answer in totalsilence. It was better to sit in silence, as I was late. I amshy and remained at the back trying to squat on the coldfloor with legs like a frog, so that my hips would not hurt,and I remained immobile watching something thatappeared as a glow around the saint’s body, an halo of peaceand sweetness.

The Avadhoota

which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, byrealizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of theireternal identity with pure being.

• We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality.• Rather are we Reality Itself illusorily conceived.• We do not possess an ‘ego’. We are possessed by the

idea of one.The teaching seemed to have caught our questions

without the questions being asked. The answers were tobe ruminated and chewed. It was not a thunderbolt, noran earthquake. I felt he was reflecting our confusion andgave the hints for a better satsang the following day. I walkedout in the chilly evening even forgetting to wear my shoes.The mind was awestruck and silent. I wondered aroundfor a while thinking about my years in Puttaparthi andhow deeper each meeting was becoming with Sai makingme roam alone around India, building and dismantling,setting me in crisis and then pushing me up to Gangotriwith a strange and unexpected meeting. I had to admit tomyself that I had never chosen or decided anything, allarrived at the right moment. Yes, it was true - I had foundmyself in certain situations, heard some inputs andactions happened; joys or sorrows flowed naturally in mydaily life and I never was in control of anything. I hadlearned to completely let go and leave God in charge withno mental resistances, but how totally andunquestionably had I accepted? Whenever the ego, plansand doership peeped up again, as not totally uprooted, itwas a total disaster. I thought that I had made mistakes,but I was realizing there could never happen a mistakeand all had to be the way it flowed into this play I was noteven reciting. I surely had to brush up and ponder overand over again many aspects of the investigation but theincidents and the teachings were growing in depth andthis brought great calm. All was signaling the need toincrease my attention to details, which kept on signalingand stressing the importance of engaging in ever-deeperinquiry and move into increasingly wider realms of Truthand Reality.

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unequivocally acquire a state of mind where it may happenthat the experience where there is no experiencer, pureobjectless being, may be given. During this experiencethere is only suka shanti, the joy of peace, but once youfeel ananda, it means that the supreme state has beencovered again by the experiencer enjoying the experience.

“You have already gone through various stages of theteaching. Yet equanimity of mind is only a stage and alsoseeing everything as God is only a further stage, as itentails an ‘I’ to see and, as long as that ‘I’ exists, also themind exists. In the Self there is only seeing.”

At this point Ramanandaji expressed his core question,“How can I be sure if I do not experience my Reality?”

“The Self is always present: there is no question ofexperiencing or realizing It. You cannot reach or attain It,as you already are the Self. Plus, you as a ‘me’ (ego), do notexist at all and you never were, never are and never willbe the doer of any action. All is God and therefore all thathappens cannot be but perfect and timely. Nothing existsapart the Self. Everything in the Universe is in a state ofperfection. Every object is perfect as it is and all objectsare perfect in their interdependence. Even a blade of grasshas its own importance and uniqueness, which ultimatelyis illusory: its phenomenal form is the Self’s unreal andillusory aspect, while the true nature of the Self isinvisible.”

I grabbed the pause and inquired if I were to practice atechnique, and the answer came in a loud, sweet andunderstanding tone, “Sandra Ma, in this period your ego-mind always asks if a guru and the practice of a techniqueare necessary components to proceed. For the search tobegin there is no need of a guru, but for the seeking toprogress – yes, there must be a teacher. The Self uses theagent of a guru. Practically and in truth the real game is:

The Self is speaking to the Self and instructing Himself.“What appears to be two is actually a single movement

in the sum-total of the Self. The guru, having shed his egodoes not see himself as separate, while the seeker does, as

He joyfully asked whether we had any questions,piercing each one of us with his unfathomable blue eyes.The Kerala old monk intervened making all of us laugh:“Now you will ask –To whom do doubts appear? Who isasking the question? Am I right?” After this pre-intervention no one ventured to ask anything, so I simplysaid: “In the presence of my teacher I often have momentswhen the mind becomes suffused with a purple colour andbecomes totally blank, but the “I” thought, or personalidentification, has never left me. Actually after everyexperience of bliss, instead of silence, even more doubtsand questions increase or resurface. Your advice please.”

“All you have to do, Sandra, is to grab the ‘I am I’ thoughtby the tail, be still and quiet and stabilize in this statewhere there is no thought. In that stillness, the Self willswallow up the ‘I’ thought.” We all giggled and heproceeded, “The mind must die. The mind is a dustcollector, an accumulation of repetitive memories. Themind means the past, which is dead and done with. Themind means anxiety about the future, which is not here.To look directly into Reality you have to put your mind torest as it distorts everything. There is no other way torealize the Self.”

I asked which were the techniques he had personallyused and the answer was, “Stillness, quietness, inquiryand surrender are the ingredients. The effortless thoughtfree state is the condition where the Self can swallow upthe “I” thought. Then the Self will be revealed. This canonly happen and out of God’s grace. None of your doing.Your only effort is to surrender the idea of being theindividual doer. God is the only doer. All happens by Hiswill and the program for this life is stored in your genesand DNA. Also the environment where you were born andthe conditioning received since birth, were never a chance,yet they were never under your control. These are all inputsgiven by God for His play to unfold. Actions happen as aresult of a thought and a biological reaction. As you arenot the doer, consequently also others are not the doers ofany action, therefore there are no others, but only God.Once you accept, totally accept this truth, you

The Avadhoota

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The sense of relief and the clarity that followed mademy entire being suffused with peace and a few tears of joysecretly came rolling down my cheeks. Our secondmeeting was over. I sat outside on a rock overlookingGanga pinning down notes on the content of the teachingjust received using a candle light to see better, as therewas no electricity. Ganga impassibly went on flowing andgushing out on the white rocks, the night was cold, butthere was a special calmness reigning all around. Irecognized that: “I had been like a wasp and had spent allthese years in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-pane, while the other half of the window was alwayswide open.”

I had received all the correct teachings, but the fullimport was dawning only now. Totally accepting therecould exist a spontaneous living, or being lived by Godwas the answer to all my questions. No longer a thinker, adoer, an experiencer, or a mere mirror to the wholehappening that is called life. Wholeness is true holiness.Non-volitional living and silent identification with non-being meant Self-realization, the awakening or suddenenlightenment.

The Avadhoota

the ego is still present. The guru’s grace is also part of thephenomenon. Whether this happens or not is also part ofthe seeming personal destiny, which is an encoding intotality. Whatever happens, whatever the consequences –it is destined and in accordance with God’s will, and anintricate-interwoven plan usually called Cosmic Law. Godand the Cosmic Law are one and the same. There arevarious levels of understanding and they happen at theappropriate moment. In your case practice only broughtpain and God found the way out bringing you here to healyour sense of guilt and doubts. You felt guilty as you werenot able to practice due to your spondilitis and arthritis,but as you have the idea that only if you practice it mayhappen, then practice personal investigation on who isthe doer of all your actions during the day. Not even thispractice can guarantee anything, and enlightenment mayhappen whether you practice it or not, as it may happenonly if it is God’s plan and will and in His perfect timing.

“Now tell me, Sandra Ma, if you met God and He offeredyou to ask for only one boon, what would you ask for?”

“I sat silent. I could not find one thought in my mind, Iwas trying hard, but there was only emptiness,nothingness and no request. Eventually I mumbled,“Constant integrated awareness.” The Saint must have felta flash of compassion; he smiled and asked what wouldchange in my life if one day I would experience constantintegrated awareness. I sat numb and silent till hecontinued.

“If I were you I would ask for a state of mind wherethere would be nothing to ask anyone and nothing to evenask God.

“You often wonder about the necessity of practicing,as you understood merging is a happening, and I wishyou had clear that the effort to inquire should be there,even if it is not the effort that brings about the experience,nor it is a specific technique, but God’s grace when youare ready for it. Before one becomes established in theSelf without any breaks, one has to contact and enjoy theSelf many times, and only then one may finally becomepermanently established without any breaks.”

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told me it was not my time and that I had to return to earthwhere I would meet the Master capable of transformingmy wavering mind. After this short admonition I foundmyself in a hospital bed with neck and both legs in plaster.Months went by where I was forced to lie quiet, as anymovement would increase the pain. So, in that forcedstillness, I could only watch life and its import. I learnedto watch my breath, feeling that the only reality was that ‘IAM’, and when the ‘AM’ disappeared there remained onlythe ‘I’.

Twenty-five years ago I came back to India and foundmyself roaming from teacher to teacher, from ashram toashram, from lecture to lecture. Whatever path I was on,shifting here and there, I always was convinced that it wasthe very best. I had met great enlightened beings, but Isoon also realized how Truth, when embodied, oftenappears paradoxical or contradictory. Difficult to live neara realized one as totally incomprehensible. However, themoment I realized, that what we are after is not outsideourselves – however great the Teachers we happen to bewith, as long as our mind is curious about outside things,we will never feel complete and satisfied. You have to waittill the thirst for realization becomes so strong, that youcan shun everything and enter into yourself. But thereshould not be any feeling of disgust, but the strength ofthe inner magnet.

At a certain point I found myself in Puttaparthi. Duringdarshans I was in total bliss. Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Bababecame and still is my light and guide. I basked in His lightand wisdom for three years, with a few absences to retreatin Arunachala and Rishikesh where I still enjoyed meetingmany other teachers. As a bee absorbs the pollen I saw Saipush me here and there drinking in all I had to absorb andonce I was full, the teaching would become obsolete and Iwould be forced by strange forces to move on to other flowers.I really enjoyed investigating my true nature in the presenceof teachers and I was not ready to give up any opportunityto deepen my understanding through communion with theteachers I was meeting. After three years, Sai threw me outof the ashram with a futile excuse.

Dayanandaji’s Story

Wherever there are others there is a self,Wherever there are no others there can be no self,

Wherever there is no self there are no others,Because in the absence of self I am all others.


C H A P T E R 18

While I was brooding over the essence of the Avadhoota’sclarifications, the old Kerala monk with that enchantingFrench accent joined me and sat silent for a while lookingup at the intense blue of the sky where stars were playinghide and seek with the clouds. When I felt he was presentnear me and may be eager to exchange a few words I couldnot refrain from asking his name and his story.

“I was born in France from a Tamil family and came toIndia in 1950 when I was still in my early teens andBhagavan Ramana Maharshi was still in the body. I livedin Arunachala, in his presence, for a long period, and thenI went back to France, got married but soon divorced. Inthe meantime Maharshi left his body. After some months,one night I got drunk and returning home, I had a dramaticcar accident where I lost consciousness. I remembertraveling free from the body between clouds and ascendingat great speed when I met Maharshi in his subtle form. He

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entity. Bangaru -piece of gold- now you go and do whateveryou like, but avoid big organizational work. Be happy andremember that to be enlightened is to be able to acceptwith equanimity anything in life, at any moment, asGod’s will.’”

Knowing a little about Sai’s ways, I giggled with puretenderness and loving oneness at his lovely story andasked how he had found himself wearing ochre robes. Sohe briefly added, “In Arunachala I was instructed in theVedas and received Sannyas. I am now called SwamiDayanand, I have found a nook in Kerala near Cochin onthe way to Munnar where I retreat. It is a nice hilly areawith cardamom and rubber tree plantations, very greenwith dots of red here and there as even the hibiscusesflourish under God’s care. You may call it an ashram or ahermitage, but for me it is simply my nest, my home onearth. I only come to Gangotri in the hot month of Mayand go back when monsoons start to remain in silence forthe rest of the year with the only exceptions of Navaratricelebrations that I spend in Arunachala at Ramana’sashram and the 23rd of November in Puttaparthi forBhagawan’s Birthday, as in that crowd He allows me tostill have His darshan, once a year, and I am content. Ihave no disciples; in the ashram there are only five Indianinmates. God takes care of all our needs, nothing is evermissing. All is given at the right moment. Amazing, as itmay seem, try to experience God’s protection and surrenderwill become easy. My journey, which had enlightenmentas the main target, was forced and guided totally by theoverpowering and only Reality, the energy we call God orConsciousness. All dualities disappear when the time isripe. All the words and opposites I once held as separate,like discipline, play or detachment and bondage are allpart of this wonderful leela and I choose none of them norreject none of them. They are part of the whole. This non-selection gave me peace. This state of no-preference andno forced choice between opposites, but acceptance of itall finally has settled me in contentment. Contentmenthas brought expansion in love.” His eyes were gleamingand I looked away, as his story was also mine, but I stilldid not want to recognize the pitfalls.”


As I was shocked and desperate, but the same night,Sai came in my dream to tell me: ‘Happiness happens whenpain fructifies. All that you want is inside you. In due timethe grace of my darshans will fructify due to longing andyearning. You will feel intense desire and you willintensify your practice limiting it to constant inwardpersonal investigation. If you stop fearing God it is morethan likely that you will start loving God. Generate enoughpower within you and avoid going out. Nobody can giveyou anything on a plate; so do not seek for any furtherteacher. You will get nothing from outside; you willdiscover your own Self within, by your own effort andthrough pain and disillusion, which are clear signs of Mygrace. It is a joke that you can give up volition by an act ofvolition! Who is to let go? The ‘letting-go’ can only happenas a result of the clear understanding of the differencebetween what-we-are and what we-appear-to-be. The manof wisdom is devoid of thought even when he is thinking;he is devoid of sense organs even while he is using them;he is devoid of intellect even though he is endowed withit. He is devoid of ego, even though he posses it. This is myspecial blessing. Why carry your luggage when you arebeing transported by a vehicle? Listen, Maharshi neverwent here and there, he lived in Arunachala and stayedmost of the time in his ashram mandir. He did not travelaround India seeking here and there trying to getsomething from others. Follow his example. As long as youdo not see the futility of such a search, your search willnot come to an end. Now find any place where you can bein stillness. Ramana Maharshi has written eleven versesdescribing the misery of the seeker where he stresses thatthere never was such ‘thing’ as an individual, and thatthe whole ‘thing’ was impersonal. And yet he had thecompassion to see that, due to the intricate mind’smechanisms, the individual seeker can be extremelymiserable, therefore he underlined that from the individualpoint of view, the only encouragement would be to knowthat the mind has already turned inwards, therefore thereis no escape, your head is already in the tiger’s mouth. Asthe Atman is pure and without a second, one cannotexperience the Atman, phenomenally, as an independent

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Melting All Confusion inThe Fire of Knowledge

C H A P T E R 19

“We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in thedifficult task of understanding that it does not exist except asa notion.”

The next day we all again sat around the Avadhootaand this was the last satsang I attended:

“Quantum physics reveals and supports the ancientbeliefs put forth by Eastern Vedantic teachings that we livein a world of illusion, there exists only energy, and thestatement that the physical world is one interacting whole,as both particle and wave are made of the same substance.Quantum physics explains that each cell of our body ismade of molecules, each molecule is made of atoms; inturn electrons, neutrons and protons constitute atoms.Quantum physics clearly emphasizes that there is noobjective physical reality at all, and what the educatedworld was taught to perceive as real simply does not exist.It further highlights that matter is nothing more than aseries of patterns out of focus, and subatomic particles arenot made of energy, but energy itself. We know we canconvert matter into energy and the reverse is also true;

We both remained silent watching the eternal flow ofGanga and I wondered at how Her powerful energy attractsand unites funny gods, calling themselves seekers, froma variety of paths, as if all part of Her own family, whichShe wants to reunite revealing the ultimate Truth. Thereis always so much to learn and ponder. Aspects you neverthought important become mountains blocking our waytill we solve them or at least recognize them and acceptthem. Dayanandaji’s story obviously gave me some hintson my own blockages and, laughing about our similaridiosyncrasies, I felt free. His purity, simplicity andwisdom were of great support and example. His struggleand path quite unique, his way of laughing about it allmade me feel one with him and a subtle current of respectand understanding became deeper and deeper as dayswent by.

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AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS Melting All Confusion in The Fire of Knowledge

energy, is indeed in all things, animate and inanimate,light is both the medium and the message and that, at thesubatomic level, being all points in space essentially thesame, nothing is actually separate from anything else. Allis one unbroken wholeness and everything isinterconnected.

This holistic approach of Quantum physics mirrors theVedantic teaching that everything is energy dancing inform, and that the dance is a continuous weaving of theform and the formless. The highest Truth that we are onewith nature, born out of the same process, not separateentities, is the theme of the most ancient VedanticScriptures.

The Vedas have no describable origin and are timeless.No one can establish the exact dates when the Vedas werefirst heard or recited; hence they are considered as eternal.The Vedas need no support, as they support themselves.In fact it is said that the Vedas are God’s breath and theVedic teachings originated in God’s breath and that theRishis, the ancient sages, received this knowledge in thesilence of higher consciousness. The Rishis’ highlyattuned awareness enabled them to perceive these soundsfrom the subtle ethers and they repeated them orally totheir disciples, as their learning involved only oralcommunication, not written words. This knowledge wasnot formulated by the Rishis, but was the result of directrevelation and not the result of either study or reading.The Vedas are the earliest evidence of the triumph of manover himself, his breakthrough to the underlying unity inall creation and his pulsating contact with unifying Truth.The Vedas assert that God is the inner reality of all beings,all is enveloped by God, all ‘this’ is God and the universeis an organic and relational process, a multidimensionalnetwork of jewels, each one containing the reflection ofall others with mutual interpenetration andinterdependence of everything. The Vedas affirm that theuniverse is the paramount harmony of intricate patterns.The central opinion of this organic view of the universe isthat the cosmos is inherent in each pattern and every pointmay be regarded as the centre of a circle with

energy can be converted into matter. Light can either beconsidered a wave or a stream of particles. We know thatphotons carry energy, and that the amount of energycarried by a photon is proportional to the frequency of thelight; that is, the higher the wave frequency, the moreenergy it carries. For example, X-rays and ultraviolet lighthave high frequency and high energy, while radio wavesand infrared waves have low frequency and low energy.

According to the new scientific quantum thought, allmatter and we ourselves consist of forms of light or pureenergy. A renowned vibrational medicine physician hasinterestingly described all matter as frozen light, whichhaving been slowed down, has become solid. Therefore, ifour bodies may symbolically be described as frozen light,they also maintain the characteristics of light, a detailunderlying that bodies have a certain frequency, whichinvolves the understatement that matter is light or energyof a higher density. Basing our understanding on modernphysics’ implications, we are to conclude that humanbeings are made of light held in matter and their bodiespure energy fields made up of segments of vibration. Inclear cut terms, the body seen through the tremendousmagnification of an electron-scanning microscope,appears as nothing but emptiness, light or energy, andcertainly not a solid object, just a projection of God’s mind,a rhythm of the universal beat. No solidity at all, justdynamic individual patterns of concentrated energythrobbing and vibrating at incredible speed.

Nobel Prize winner, David Bohm, has written anextremely interesting treatise about what he calls theimplicate order of the holographic universe. This conceptsuggests that the entire universe is an ever-changingcosmic hologram, which is layered with information, eachsingle layer holds a higher order of information and thateach higher order is enfolded in an aspect of space andtime. The higher order may be translated intoConsciousness or God. Further, as all that exists is ahologram, every segment also contains information aboutthe entire universe or rather that the universe is withinus. Quantum physics affirms that Consciousness, as pure

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Reality is a concept and also enlightenment is aconcept. Consciousness as Noumenon is potential energyand when energy activates itself, it becomes Consciousnessin movement. Still it is nothing other than energy, eitherin its potential form or in its activized form. Once theunderstanding happens, there will be no need of anyfurther words. The only reality is silence. Accepting theauthenticity of impersonal functioning of the ‘Whole’, asentirely God’s leela, is the highest mark of devotion. All isGod. There is nothing but God. The highest and infiniteego is our reality and not separate or far: we are energy,we are bliss, we are God or Consciousness, however youwish to call It.

Whatever has appeared in manifestation cannot havean existence of its own, therefore what has appeared is amere reflection of the basic ground; realizing this truthand seeing this oneness is enlightenment.”

The talk was over, and no one had the courage to move,so I calmly bowed and informed I was leaving. The saintseemed to have withdrawn within himself, not caring atall if any understanding had happened in the listeners.He simply whispered, “JAGAT”

I packed and silently prepared to leave that nest ofwisdom suspended over all worldly clouds. SwamiDayanand came to say goodbye, and invited me to joinhim in Kerala whenever I felt like…as long as I did notbring my mind along! On the way back to Uttarkashi I satat the back of an old rattling Ambassador, admiring theenchanting views and feeling grateful to the life I had beenoffered, and I felt it as the best prayer. God had neveranswered my prayers when I asked for something worldly,and when I asked for wisdom, He only gave me problemsto solve. When I asked for love, He only gave me people tohelp. God had never answered exactly my prayers, andgave me nothing I ever desired, but He gave me everything.I could find no words to thank Sai for all the grace He waspouring into my life. The odyssey of enlightenment wasnot my problem any longer. It was God’s own problem anddoing. Why should I worry, who was there to worry?

Melting All Confusion in The Fire of Knowledge

circumference nowhere, while the limited vision of thesplit mind of the illusory individual entity sees only eachpattern separate and by itself, section by section.

Imagine a painting - two or three miles long and ahundred stories high. With the human limited sight,however far back you may go, you will only be able to seea certain portion of the painting and not the whole.Similarly the human mind is incapable of knowing realityexcept as an intuitive insight, not by reasoning. Actuallyit is exactly when reasoning stops that this intuition mayhappen. To fathom this transcendental ocean of Truth wehave to abandon the reasoning of the conceptual mind, asit cannot comprehend the subconscious and consciousdimensions of the Vedic verses. Only by rising into therarefied air of higher consciousness, can one hope to graspthe actual truth embodied in the ancient Vedic verses.The mystery of this world and of the worlds beyond iselaborated in the texts, which are called Atharva Veda.

The mind is the screen hiding our own reality and thesecrets of creation. When you go out into the sun, you seeyour shadow. The shadow is there; it is real to the extentthat you can see it, but it is an illusion in the sense that ithas no independent existence. Your body itself, whichseems so solid, is the primary illusion within the totalillusion of this manifestation. All is Consciousness, all ispure energy, and there is nothing for the individual toachieve or think unless Consciousness makes it possible,yet Consciousness Itself is the very culprit, prompting anindividual mind to think and believe that it can think andbe the doer.

Manifestation is a spontaneous concurrent appearancein Consciousness, within Consciousness, brought aboutby Consciousness. Contrary to inanimate objects like astone or a rock, animate beings are endowed withsentience. The sense of individuality and separatenessarises because of sentience, which gives a sense of beingpresent. In addition to this sentience, which is presentalso in animals, human beings are endowed with anintellect, which helps in interpreting what is cognized.

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What do you have to do?Pack your bags,

go to the station without them,catch the train,

and leave your self behind.

The Inner World Reflectson the Outer One

C H A P T E R 20

On the 7th of July 2005 the telephone rang and I wasinformed that Ganga Ma had swollen so much that it hadgulped in the garden right in front of my Uttarkashi house.Contemplating for 18 years and reasoning through theteachings made me apperceive how perfect the script, theactors and any circumstance, including the painful ones,and how suka shanthi, the joy of peace, was to be found inthe total acceptance of God’s will and in total acceptanceand recognition of God as the sole doer of any action, bothwhile I was unaware and now that I paid attention to allminimum details investigating constantly on all thathappened. Predestination and free will were the root causeof the apparent conflict and the theme throughout theentire period. They were the clouds obscuring Reality. Theteachings God gave me through His appointed agentsfueled an inquiry into one of the most crucial questionsone may have to face: was or is there a cause and effect

I looked back at the snowy peaks of the Himalayas thatI was leaving behind and wondered if it had all happenedor it was a mere dream in the dream. These few days at theextreme North of the Himalayas had set the beginning of anew attitude to life and the apperception of the inner pathhad received a great push, a totally new drive. The stages Ihad gone through, devotion to the teachers with form, effortand striving for the goal using spiritual practices andstudying the teachings, were the correct steps as willedby God. Then the slow, but steady shift in the firmrecognition of my true nature through correct knowledgeand continued practice was only a God willedconsequence. From these stepping stones to only personalinquiry and constant investigation were the foot prints Iwas now suggested to follow by the great and unique innerguru who had made me roam from one corner to the otherof sacred Bharat and THE TEACHING. I relaxed in the backseat of the car and witnessed a few words coming out frommy heart, “Thanks God I am not the doer.” I felt so relievedand tranquil that I must have shifted into a naturalmeditation mood with my eyes open.

The sunset was bathing the Himalayan peaks in gold.The breathtaking views were overlapping each other, whenI realized that I had seen a shadow-like figure betweenthe fir trees winking at me. I will never know if it was arock shaped as a human being, a vision or reality, anyhow,as these were the places where Babaji often appeared, mythoughts gratefully went to Him and all the enlightenedMasters clearing the understanding. I smiled, feelingtotally complete and contented. Thank You Sai.

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relationship between effort and enlightenment or is thelatter predestined and willed by the Absolute and thereforeno seeking and nothing to attain? Can we hasten speedingup the journey through practicing hard, by serving theGuru traveling around continents to receive the Guru’sgrace? Was the clinging to the Guru’s beloved form a mereobstruction to progress? What pain these questions broughtinto my life and how light and peaceful one feels onceeach and every step of our life and evolution is apperceivedas willed by the Almighty Lord who graciously acted asGurus and this “me” faring along the safe path back to theannihilation of the “me”, the ego as a doer. What peace.All is so perfect and timely in God’s plan.

Part IV

The Final Harbour: Advaita

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The Happening of a Meeting

C H A P T E R 21

With Gratefulness to the Sadguru within and without.To the sense of being alive and present, the “I AM.”

In the past seven years Ramesh S. Balsekar’s books kepton arriving in my hands. The first one was ConsciousnessSpeaks, and my mind gulped it in. There was such a feelingof awe that I read it again and again. I immediately foundanother two books, Your Head in the Tiger’s Mouth, andConfusion no More. All was so poignantly clear and precise.His teachings so delightfully humorous that it made lifeappear so clear and simple.

After two years of brooding over his books a thoughtcame that I would have liked to have the blessing of apersonal meeting, so I hoped Ramesh’s address wouldappear from somewhere. In May 2004, while I was in theHimalayas I read Who Cares? And a brainstorm happened.Concepts from 18 years of search were being crushed.From the pages of the book an almost-full clarity dawned,leaving me totally spaced out for days. Bewilderment keptmy glaze glued to the flow of Mother Ganga for hours on

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imbedded confusion poured out spontaneously, as if I weretalking to the innermost ‘I’, my best friend, giggling andcrying out of joyous relief from the claws of confusion. Ibelieve it had to be washed out properly. When I bowed ingratitude, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, I heardRamesh say, “What you received today, listening to myconcepts is a new conditioning, but if the pastconditioning is to be erased by this new conditioning, itis only a happening willed by God or Cosmic Law.”

The realized Sage knows that most people, at oddmoments in their lives, may have had glimpses of SukhaShanthi, the joy of peace, or flashes of ‘absence of suffering’,and although the experience is fluctuating, it works likethe carrot for the donkey, giving restlessness and pungentdissatisfaction, as that peaceful state of mind, not beingconstant, is mischievously eluding us by playing hide andseek. Ramesh explains and asserts that Sukha Shanthi, isa concrete possibility for everyone and encourages us bysharing that the secret is simply ‘getting rid of the obstacles,which prevent the constant joy of peace from beingestablished.’ Ramesh points out that the spiritual seekingsimply means discovering how to get rid of fear andsuffering in order to be able to enjoy the presence of peacewe have been seeking since we were born, and he stressesthat confusion will totally disappear, and “for ever”, onlywhen Consciousness awakens. When Consciousness isawakened, the flip-flop between happiness andunhappiness, which is merely a mental and emotionalsuffering, ceases to bother us. Ramesh goes even deeperstating that the goal of the quest is not imaginary or faraway from our daily living, and is in fact part of the seeker’sdaily ordinary life.

Whenever we happen to discover what it is that is beingsought - the constant joy of peace - we have to find outwhat is obstructing the happening of that constant peace.Ramesh explains that any personal investigation wouldquickly reveal that the obstacle is a thought, and that thearising of any thought is absolutely not in our control.Thoughts come and thoughts disappear, and if we simplywitness them, we are not trapped in the ripples of their


end. It seemed as if some Higher Force had used Cosmicscissors and was setting some order, cutting and sortingall spiritual topics into new mind-folders and I could enjoyan aerial view linking all relative sub-topics. It was acondensed recapitulation, a totally new approachhappening at astonishing rapidity. There was a bubblingjoy and lightness for the yearned clarity. Soon after, I foundhis Bombay address, without even having to look for it. Ithappened in Gangotri, at one of the highest peeks of theHimalayas, near the source of Mother Ganga, who is wellknown to be a dispeller of ignorance.

One of the factors of the astonishment was that Ramesh’sexplanations were all linking up to a dream I had hadseven years prior where Sri Sathya Sai Baba gave me somepersonal teachings on Truth. The ‘dream teachings’ werecontrasting with His normal “dos and don’ts” and Hisusually expounded concepts on karma and reincarnation.I had kept wondering if dreams were imagination, oranother dream in the dream. Now, after reading RameshBalsekar’s new book, I could see where Sai Baba wasleading me in that private upadesa dream. The linkingand resonance of the teachings started to dispel all doubtsand the confusion was slowly dissolving. The energy ofthe Himalayan Hermitages is so powerful: somehow it allhappens. We may think nothing is happening just bysitting in silence looking at Mother Ganga flowing downtumultuously, but how wrong we are. All we need issilence, stillness, and openness to receive from the innerSadguru.

In June I started planning to go and meet Ramesh S.Balsekar in Bombay next September, when monsoon wouldbe over, and Bombay far more agreeable, as far as humidityand heat, but Consciousness’ plan was different and onthe 27th of June, out of the blue, I found myself at the airportinquiring for a reduced fare to Bombay and immediatelyfound a flight at half price for the next day. As a robot,without thoughts, I packed, found a Hotel near enough toKemps Corner, and flew for my first satsang with Ramesh.

While on the airplane, I asked myself if I had questionsand could not find any, but during the satsang all the

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caught in the net of memory. It is only when the mind isstill, tranquil, not seeking any solution, any answer,neither resisting nor avoiding, that it is capable ofreceiving the truth - that which is eternal, timeless,immeasurable. You cannot go in search for it, it comes toyou; what liberates is the truth, not your effort to be free.

As what really totally shatters the experiences ofharmony is either the restlessness for some sense of guiltor frustration for something one “did or did not do” or theload of hatred and resentment for what others “did or didnot do” to us. We must investigate deeper and deeper onthis innate sense of doership. What does it mean? It meansthat the ego in most people ‘thinks’ that it is the soleresponsible subject, acting and doing things as it chooseswhich even gives the power and will to judge and condemnoneself and others for whatever happens. These mentaland emotional attitudes, these negative patterns suddenlyemerge from the depth of the subconscious bringingsuffering and painful memories that block the harmonythat was about to unfold in Consciousness. Is it at allpossible to give up the sense of personal doership so thatone can be anchored in the experience of Suka Shanthiwhile facing life from moment to moment? Ramesh’sreassuring answer is, “Yes.”

There are examples of many who have been acceptedby the world as ‘Sages’, having finished the treasure huntand who live in total peace and harmony. How it unfoldscan be clearly seen in the way these Sages live their ownlives, from moment to moment, enjoying our samepleasures and suffering the same kind of pains that weare all subjected to, but the difference is that the life of aSage is anchored in peace and harmony. What have theSages changed? The Sage lives his life, carrying on hisdaily tasks, and takes his responsibilities seriously andnothing changes in his regular daily work in order to earna living like anyone else. Yet it can be clearly seen thathis face is usually without anxiety, his body usuallyrelaxed, and he enjoys his own acute sense of humourthat is so enchanting and attractive. When advice issought, the Sage counsels with an astonishing sense of


constant flow. On this particular subject I had read that afamous physicist had explained that any thoughthappening anywhere is the actualizing of a particularprobability among thousands of probabilities, and,therefore, not in the control of the individual concerned.Normally the kind of thoughts that shatter our attemptsand foundations to enjoy Suka Shanthi, are thoughtsconcerning how to handle our own life, which areimmediately countered by some other thoughts suggestingthe solution for the (as a) problem created by the earlierthoughts coming from memory, which may be labeled as“conscience-ethics, scruples”. Thoughts sprout fromdesires, needs, hopes, wanting, striving and trying to attainwhat eludes us, in the firm belief that certain worldlythings or different situations and circumstances could giveus the lasting joy and peace we are frantically chasingafter. Ramesh stresses one has no control over this flow ofthoughts and the advice is the ‘witnessing of the happeningof thoughts without resisting them’, nor feeling guilty abouttheir flux, nor trying to suppress them. He gave me themost soul stirring advice, “If you happen to meet God andHe offers you only one boon, the best answer would be,God give me that state of mind where there is nothing toask from anyone, not even from You.”

The next question is HOW to have a state of mind wherethere is nothing to expect from others and nothing to askGod? Ramesh asserts that life is like a deep river, flowingincessantly, whereas most of us, prefer the security andstagnancy of the little pools beside the river, while change,unceasing change, is the very basis of life and living. Tolet life flow, in general terms, means that we should goabout our daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based onthe total basic understanding that nothing at all canhappen unless it is supposed to happen and in accordancewith one’s destiny or Cosmic Law. What happens in life isthat the challenge is always new, but our response is oldbecause it is formed on the past, which is memory.Experiencing with memory is one state, but experiencingwithout memory is altogether different. A new thought oran inspiration can happen only when the mind is not

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but the seeking happened. There is seeking, but noindividual seeker. There is doing, but no individual doer.In a nutshell, this is the end of the seeker, and the end ofthe seeking can be brought about only by that Power, whichstarted the seeking. In other words, by the grace of theSource that started the treasure hunt. Krishna in theBhagavad Gita tells Arjuna, “Surrender to Me and I willsave you from all sins that you cannot help think you aredoing.” But the joke is even the surrendering is not inyour control. Why? Because so long as there is anindividual who says “I surrender,” there is a surrenderer-there is an individual ego!”

What changes are sought? What are the maindiscomforts in daily living even if one does not reallypursue a specific spiritual goal? Whenever I have met atrue realized Master for me it was always quite natural toask, “What did you do to be like what you are? What madeyou as you are?” The answer was always almost the sameand it was given in utter and simple humility, “I didnothing, it happened by God’s grace”. And I knew they allreally genuinely meant it as they all had the totalacceptance of the Source or God as the sole doer. Thisacceptance was, also the root cause for their total simplicityand trust. Realized Sages and Masters will not failreminding us with total confidence that we are to trustthat nothing happens due to our individual efforts, but toConsciousness’ will, and according to Its Cosmic Law-without any exception.

All use different approaches and different terms toexpress this Truth and most probably it clicks immediatelyor it doesn’t depending on the programming of our mindstructure, and the predetermined moment to see throughthe clouds of ignorance or recurring ripples of confusion.I had been hearing and reading about the very same basicTruth for years, but it clicked only under Ramesh clearand consequential exposition. This new understandingbrought an end to all the destructive concepts that the‘responsibility issue’ had accumulated on the surface of


humility and compassion. We see the Sage as someonetransparently open, without any cleverness at all and, yet,we are fully aware that the Sage is obviously no one’s fool!We are is so impressed by the personality of the Sage, byhis total simplicity and naturalness that we wish to be inhis company as frequently as possible to simply enjoy theSuka Shanthi he radiates enveloping also all presentaround him.

Ramesh uses the river as an apt metaphor for his conceptthat no one is a doer but rather all actions are happeningsordained by the One Source, who some refer to as God orConsciousness. To perceive ourselves as the doers is likethe river thinking that it is pushing itself onwards to thesea, or the sea thinking that the tides are its own doing –totally oblivious of the fact that is the gravitational force ofthe moon that is responsible for their ebb and flow. To letlife flow, in general terms, means that we should go aboutour daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based on thetotal basic understanding that nothing at all can happenunless it is supposed to happen according to one’s destiny,according to the Cosmic Law. Ramesh also gives us a clearcomparison: “Ever since a baby is born and seeks itsmother’s breast intuitively, life is nothing but seeking, yetthis seeking is done instinctively, automatically, withoutthe need of thoughts. The question arises – Who is theseeker? Are we in control of our seeking? If seeking is anatural process belonging to nature, could we then saythat maybe ‘We think that we are the seeker, but the truthis that we are not the seekers’ - Therefore, if we are not theseeker, who is? The answer could be that in reality thereis no seeker as such, but instead an impulsive, in-builtneed to seek something that has been programmed withinus. Spiritual seeking begins with an individual ego —seeker — seeking enlightenment or Self-realization, asan object, which will give more pleasure than one can everimagine getting from the material world. That is where itstarts. The seeking by the ego for enlightenment cannotend with intellectual understanding, but only with theabsolute understanding intuited in the heart that therenever was a seeker or a doer—there never was a seeker

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arguments and competition. When conflicts begin to occurwith increasing frequency and intensity, the end resultis often a hurting divorce, or a break in partnership. Theneach partner may feel that the next relationship will bebetter, yet the same pattern appears with other partnersand the ideal relationship evaporates as utopia. When theillusion is realized, the interactions among human beingsusually end up in frustration. Is there anything to improvethis dramatically unhealthy situation? The core of thematter turns out to be that intimate human relationshipsare basically not different from any relationship betweenone ‘me’ and the ‘other’. The answer lies in seeking thebasis of any and every relationship: an office colleague, orany animal that surrounds us, is truly no different fromany other intimate relationship. What happens? The ‘other’does something that you do not like, and likes and dislikesmust necessarily be different in different people. The onlyway to have comfortable relationships - formal or intimate– may concretize when both persons concerned are ableto accept that the ‘other person’ and everyone else in theworld, has a different programming from the Source, andit is this inner programming that unfolds in one’s life. Inother words, it is this same psyche that dictates to the ego(or mind) how to behave, act and react in life followinginner and outer conditioning and biological impulses,which are translated into mental thoughts and emotionalbiological reactions.


the thinking mind, and after the wisdom-shower of theSage, I started my own process of linking all the threadsback to the original statement, “I was never the doer. Thywill, not mine.”

Ramesh says, “Whenever there is something for me todo in my daily living, I shall, of course, make a decisionon what to do and how to do it. Having made the decision,the results are not in my hands and will depend entirelyon the Will of God. This enables me to live morecomfortably without any stress and strain for the result of‘my action’. Whatever the result, again depends entirelyupon God’s Will. This is what Sages call a happening - theconsequences - good, bad or indifferent – are mere destinyand all one can really “do” is to accept.”

The belief due to long years of the conditioning received,that we are responsible for the results of our actions, mayhamper the total acceptance of this fresh “conditioning”of the mind, and even if one may be convinced by whatthe Sage tells us and by his shining peace, we may fallback into the old patterns. So, we have to surrender andrecognize that total acceptance is not our doing either.Another question may also arise when we are trulyconvinced that we are not the doers and no one else isone either: how can we live our life in a society, whichsimply will not accept this fatalistic attitude? Rameshagrees that this is a valid difficulty. Therefore he assuresus, “All you have to do is to live your life, as if you are thedoer. Life continues to be what it was, while a very bigchange happens in your own personal attitude to life,which truly means that you are comfortable with yourselfand comfortable with others, whatever happens in life.”

Nothing may be termed worldly, all is spiritual, so letus face coherently today’s relationships’ dire crisis. Inpractical daily living, a human being hardly ever livesalone and we are to take care of the interwovenrelationships and develop them harmoniously.Relationships, which seemed perfect for a while, when thetwo partners are ‘in love’, nowadays, out of the blue turninto a painful strife, into love-hate relationships,

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I knew from deep within, was the highlight of the 18 yearsof my spiritual quest in India, Bharat, the land of the Vedasand cosmic pyramids of enlightenment.

From the web page I had learnt that satsangs were at 10am, but in reality they started at 9 am. So, I arrived lateand the satsang was going on. I walked in tiptoeing not todisturb, and wished to sit far back, but I was made to siton a chair right in front of Ramesh and rapidly amicrophone was clipped on my dress. I had completelyforgotten to shut the cell phone and it went on signalingmessages and disturbing the peaceful atmosphere. Thenumber of people present was obviously also part ofConsciousness play and at my first appointment ithappened that there were only two persons, whereasnormally there are up to 60 sitting in the tiny room andRamesh could pay attention and answer all my queries,as his satsangs are open to one and all. Ramesh has statedthat they are his sole purpose in living. It is this personalinteraction that is the source of his power and also thesource of enormous satisfaction and humility at being theinstrument through which so many seekers find relief fromthe confusion and torment of feelings of guilt and shameand personal responsibility.

I looked at Ramesh. It was as if I had always knownhim. A slim figure and a friendly compassionate smile.Piercing eyes and a voice that went directly to the heart.His clothes pure white cotton, and extremely simple.Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta’s Maharaja werelooking down at me from the photos on the walls, as theonly silent witnesses of this meeting on the fifth floor ofSindhula Building while monsoon was merely waiting afew days to flood Bombay. An open terrace had been turnedinto a beautiful open and spacious room filled with light.A TV and a rocking chair where Ramesh would pierce intothe happenings in the outside world and then find himselfclosing his eyes to enjoy the happening, were the vividsigns of a surprisingly “common life” of a twentiethCentury awakened Sage.

Offering flowers when you go to a saint or Sage is anoffering of oneself in openness, trust and joy. In me there

The Highest Understanding

C H A P T E R 22

“As Consciousness is all there is “Who” is to know or seek “what’?All there is the impersonal functioning of Consciousness reflecting within

Itself the totality of manifestation.”

Waiting to meet an instrument of Consciousness orConsciousness speaking, is like preparing yourself for along expected fatal appointment with the lover you havebeen yearning for all your life, and who has eluded you,playing hide and seek. I looked into the mirror andexamined the image it reflected. I do not do this very often,so each time is like meeting a new Sandra. I sighed at theweb of many wrinkles of expression becoming deeper anddeeper. Was it due to the scorching cold of the Himalayasor the desert of Andhra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu whereArunachala and Ramana Ashram would give me stillnessand peace? I needed a balm for the wrinkles in the heartand an aspirin for the headache of samsara, but I knew Ihad come to the end of the road. Masters say that withouthuman effort nothing can be achieved, but at the sametime they tell us that what is destined to happen willhappen. This personal interaction with Ramesh S. Balsekar,


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single nook and corner of the mind, emptying it of anydoubt I may ever had. Each time I would see the mind,where the doubt or the need of further clarification wasarising, as if on a red flag was written EGO with a sculland cross-bones on it .Well that is what I was seeing eachtime a question or the need to answer Ramesh came up,as he seemed to be waiting for it. Even now, when I sit toenquire a little about who was the doer of this or that, Ican hear his voice stressing, and “That is the EGO!What else!”

Notwithstanding the fact that the huge hoover ofConsciousness was pulling out, thread by thread, myentire mind’s content, I was centered and calm, butunconsciously and automatically asking one questionafter the other, like a machine, and the answer surfaced asecond before Ramesh would explain. Everything cameout, Ramesh pulled out all the bundle of threads from thethinking mind, and as the best laundryman, pounced hardat my delicate points, to imprint a new conditioning. Itwas as if Ramesh was not speaking to my mind at all.Ramesh was directing his words straight at myconsciousness. He was planting his words in myconsciousness and I was happy not to disturb the plantingprocess. Once his teaching had been planted inconsciousness, it would sprout, grow, and at the suitablemoment it would bear fruit. On this point I can assurethat he really knew where to hammer! Eventually I feltsoothing emptiness, void and the highest sense of freedom.

Ramesh seems to be curious and keenly interested inour questions or answers, but the honest feeling I had,was that he knew everything, as if he was part of you intotal oneness, but the questions had to be there, as thespoken answers must have been like arrows killing theresidues of the ego. Ramesh would sometimes make youargue and then he would undercut your statements bygiving you a taste of the substratum that underlies allconcepts. If you are ready for it, you drop your attachmentto your concepts and rest in what lies underneath them.If not, you just blunder ahead, going deeper and deeperinto the minefield of the mind. Some visitors get it quickly,

was no trace of a challenge or doubt. I recalled Sai’s words,“Life is a game, play it. Follow the Master and finish thegame.” And the Sadguru had me run, had me stay still,had me go step by step up the ladder never knowing howmany steps there were to climb.

When people first come to see Ramesh, he seems toencourage them to talk about their background,investigating what spiritual path you are on, and what hasbrought you to him. In front of Ramesh’s probing questions,visitors may end up having to humbly realize their world-view and their spiritual practices are total confusion willedby the Source. This would be one level of the interaction,while at a deeper and subtler level Ramesh’s quietnessenvelops you cooling your mind to the point that only thedialogue with Ramesh is indelibly imprinted, and nothingelse is important.

Ramesh makes you aware of what lies underneath themind and all its ideas and concepts. Imagine these twoprocesses going on simultaneously! It is like fizzy coldshowers with alternate fizzy-warm ones! The seeker mayjust have realized and articulated a version of his basicturmoil, spiritual doubts and need of clarification, yetunder Ramesh’s strokes of Truth, there may happen a tugof war between the pull of our Reality, opposed to all thein-grooved prior conditioning. At some point one maybecome acutely aware of what seems to be two competingrealities: the conceptual structure Ramesh has justoutlined, and the actual experience that underlies it: totalannihilation of the ego as one may even receive the boonto realize immediately, out of the blue, that all ideas andbeliefs, being mere concepts, are to be dropped and thedropping happens once you close the door of the Ramesh’sflat in Nowroji Gamadia Road behind your shoulders andyou rest in the beingness.

The clue of that first satsang for me, was realizing that,as soon as the question was uttered, I knew the answerfrom within and in a split second I could have withdrawnthe question. Then a deep impact occurred: I was perfectlyaware there was Consciousness speaking toConsciousness and a thrilling broom was sweeping every


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they want in life, they simply answer, “Ramesh, all I needis need food and shelter that is all.” Now tell me Sandra,what is the most important thing that Sandra wants in life?Let me put it this way, if God came to you now and said,“Sandra, ask for only one wish and I shall grant it to you.”What would you answer?Sandra: Uhm…..it is difficult to put it into words.Ramesh: Have you tried to? Have you tried to put it intowords? See, I can convey my concepts only through words.I don’t give a lecture. I talk to people using words andwords convey my concepts. What is the most importantthing to you in life? Let me put it this way: if you met God,and God offered you to ask Him only one boon, what wouldSandra ask?Sandra: It is really realizing and experiencing I am not thisbody mind organism called Sandra. I believe it is called ‘theexperience of constant integrated awareness’.Ramesh: Wait a minute. Suppose now you trulyexperience you are the whole Source. What will thisunderstanding or experience bring into your daily life?Will Sandra be happier for the rest of her life due to thissingle experience? What would this experience changein your life and what advantage would Sandra have in herdaily living out of this experience? Knowing you are theSource, how can this knowing help you if someone cheatsyou or beats you? Daily living means you are to get alongwith others and not knowing if a stranger is going to be afriend or foe. Whether there is the knowing you are theSource or not, you still have to deal with others in yourdaily living. What would this experience give you to feelmore comfortable with yourself? Will you feel morecomfortable in your relationships with others in your dailyliving? Will this experience give you constant happiness,constant harmony and peace?Sandra: Wouldn’t I gain in non-involvement?Ramesh: Now we are getting nearer, anyhow let metell you what I would answer if I were you,Sandra: “God give me that state of mind in which I shallnot want anything from anybody and not even from You.”

while others, who were desperate for a structure to clingto, and not this slippery yet soothing nothingness, willcome back again and again with ego-questions designedto refine their understanding of Truth, therefore it is alsoof great interest to be witnessing (also at) other seekers’doubts. A great teaching, far deeper than merely attendingimpersonal lectures.

Some teachers may tell you ‘You are Consciousness,’‘You are Brahman,’ while Ramesh knocks you down withhis ‘three dimensional object’ and the ego, that you reallyhave to wake up and roll over allowing Consciousness toannihilate what It has created. When a jnani tells you, “ITIS THE EGO”, you cannot say no. And if you are interestedin finishing the game, you may receive the blessing to seewhat happens under the full authority of Ramesh’srealized-state and the full force that lies behind eachstatement. If you take delivery of that information in theheart, in consciousness, you may even experience a flashof that state for yourself. If you take delivery in your mind,you just store it there as an interesting seed of information,which may fructify later on. If you receive the informationin utter inner silence, it activates the total awareness ofTruth.

I sat quietly while Ramesh was answering the lastquestion of the young man sitting next to me.Paul: Then what are we?Ramesh: Just total objective absence, which is thepresence of that ‘I-amness’.

Turning with a smile, “Now tell me something aboutyou Sandra. Which part of the world do you come from?”Sandra: From Italy, but I’ve lived here in India for the past18 years.Ramesh: How brave of you! So what do you do in India?What do you do to have money?Sandra: God gives. It is there.Ramesh: Oh I see, money is there, you go in a shop andmoney is there, very good! This means you are not on thepoverty line. To people on the poverty line if I ask what


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Ramesh: Do you know how old I am? I am 88 and it doesnot bother me, so it should not bother you either. See,Sandra, I consider myself extraordinarily lucky; as I wasborn in a certain cultural environment and the result wasthat I have always firmly believed in predestination. Eachone of us has a particular destiny and you should not bebothered how it has happened to me! You surely have yourown programming. Just know I have always accepted andbelieved in destiny throughout my life. Therefore I havenever worried about passing my exams at school orobtaining a promotion in my career. Yes, there may havebeen curiosity, but I never worried, as I knew that if I waspredestined to have a career my boss could not stop it fromhappening, and at the same time, if it was not predestined,there was nothing I could do. This belief set me in asituation where there was no reason to pamper my boss,and knowing my approach to life, my immediate bosswould trust my sincere opinion whenever he needed one.This total acceptance makes one free from the caprices ofthe other. If my career was predetermined, no one couldstop it, not even my boss, and my pampering him wouldnot push my promotion if it was not in the programmingor destiny.Sandra: So, if I am to be in confusion I will remain inconfusion!Ramesh: You have some interest and you have come here.You were also destined to come here when there were onlytwo persons, while we have even had days where therewere up to 60 people crammed in this room for morningsatsangs. It is your destiny to be here and to be interested.Do not be pessimistic. You say that your glass is half empty.Be optimistic and say the glass is half full, as you are nowhere.Sandra: Since the ultimate understanding has happened,what has changed in your life?Ramesh: In these past 20 odd years, since a totalacceptance has happened, I no more carry any load ofshame and guilt for my actions however stupid orunsuccessful some actions may seem to result, and

See, this is not high philosophy, but a philosophy thatenables Sandra to live the rest of her life without everfeeling uncomfortable nor with herself nor with others inany circumstance. This very simple philosophy helpsmoment to moment and enables Sandra not to beuncomfortable. A situation where I want nothing fromanybody is the prerequisite to harmony and peace in dailyliving. Forget about seeking. Forget about enlightenment.What is it that one needs in life? No guilt, no pride, nohate, no envy makes life simple. It means peace. If youseek peace in this life, then the only thing to understandis that you are not the doer that you’re truly not responsiblefor anything that you do. But that doesn’t mean that youhave to be irresponsible. Because the answer ultimatelyis do whatever you like according to the standards ofmorality and responsibility you have. The standards ofmorality and responsibility are part of the programming,and you cannot act other than your programming.Sandra: How can I have that state of mind? How did it happento you?Ramesh: I have accepted the Buddha’s concept: ‘Eventshappen, deeds are done, consequences happen, but thereexists no individual doer.’ These are the words the Buddhais said to have said. Totally accepting that all that happensin life is simply in accordance to the Cosmic Law, i.e.destiny and God’s will. Therefore I have no reason to blameanyone, neither to envy anyone nor to blame myself forwhatever happens in life. In these past 20 odd years I havebeen forced to accept pain and joy in equal measureenjoying whatever was agreeable, and suffering anyallotted pain without blaming others and I could enjoypeace without having to carry the load of bitterness, malicetowards others, or guilt or shame for any action. Further Inever have blamed anybody for any happening affectingthe flow of life, and this has meant the presence of peaceand harmony in my daily livingSandra: May I know how this total acceptance happened toyou, Ramesh? I am 60 and time is getting short. Did it happengradually or out of the blue?


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sit with my back straight nor cross legged on the floor!Sandra kept saying’ “It hurts my hips and spine.” Thisbrought in a sense of inadequacy, shame and guilt. Sandrafelt frustrated. So, it was your destiny to come here at thepeak of a crisis and find Ramesh still alive, although 88.There is no truth in whatever any Master or any Scripturesays…they are all concepts! Even God is a concept. God,as a concept I may have, does not exist. There exists onlyone truth that no one can deny and that is: ‘I AM.”- “ IEXIST.” The ‘I am-ness’ is the only truth, the impersonalawareness of being. I can only share my concepts, as freshconditioning yet the amending of the past conditioningis God’s will. Sai Baba sends many people here. One ofthem, Sky Mc Cloud, even asked Sai Baba if Ramesh washis Guru and Sai Baba answered, “Yes.” And throughdreams he has sent many of his devotees here. So, whohas sent you here? Sai Baba sent you here. I am not joking.Sandra: I feel a great relief and a huge weight coming offmy shoulders. Thank you Ramesh it really was painful thisstrife. (Tears rolling freely down my cheeks.)Ramesh: Have you read my book Confusion no More?After all these years of confusion, no doubt, I understandand totally sympathize with you, Sandra. Just looking atyour face I could see the unhappiness due to confusion.This total acceptance happens by God’s will, yet as youare used at some practice or another, I can advice on avery simple and very effective personal investigation. Atthe end of the day make yourself comfortable, switch offyour mobile phone, and try this very simple investigation:among the many events of the day that you realize havehappened, choose one action you are convinced it is youraction and choose one single action that you wouldchallenge anybody to prove it is not your action. Askyourself, “Did I decide to do this?”If you go deeper and deeper in the analysis, you willrecollect there was a thought surfacing, and that you neverhad any control over that thought that crept in the mind,but it merely was a biological reaction. Then you will seethat, if the thought had not happened, there would not havebeen any action. If you still go deeper, without exception,

moreover, whenever a feeling of compassion arises, I neverfeel good or proud. In these past years there has been totalabsence of envy or resentment towards others for anyaction that may bring a biological reaction of displeasure,as NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. In these past years I wasobviously forced to accept all the pain and the joy broughtby the flow of life knowing I could do nothing about thepain that had been allotted, so I hated no one. Enjoying orsuffering is part of the natural flow of life. I was fully awarethat my peace and contentment cannot lie in the flow oflife, but in my attitude towards the flow of life. Therefore,the flow of life cannot affect my happiness or my peace, asthey do not depend on the flow of life, but on my attitudetowards life. My ego is totally free from judgment, anxiety,fear, resentments, shame, sense of guilt and in this stateof mind where there is total, I stress, total acceptance andnot mere intellectual acceptance. I live in the presence ofpeace and contentment, as happiness is already there anddoes not need to be acquired or attained if you accept noone does anything. It is as simple as that. Yet here is the60.000 dollar question: How? And my answer is, “Theacceptance has to be total.”Sandra: What can ‘I do’ to have the total conviction I am notthe doer?Ramesh: Sandra ‘can do nothing’ and it may only happenby God’s will. Yet Sandra may ask me, “Ramesh what isthe practice I can be absorbed in, while I am waiting thatthe total acceptance happens, as I have been conditionedto practice something?Sandra: Yes, Ramesh, All along these years I passed froma catholic upbringing to studying Sai Baba’s teachings,Hinduism, and subsequently I added also the Kriya Yogatechnique as meditation further to attending BrahmachariCourses to deepen the understanding, yet all the dos anddon’ts, plus my 60 year old body reacting with pain in sittingand practicing, resulted in even more confusion. All the dosand don’ts, the good and bad implications, put me off theroad and made me feel guilty.Ramesh: Yes I see, the teaching was that you must meditateand practice yoga, but poor Sandra kept saying I cannot


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sometimes it happens that, in the very beginning,interrelated questions may arise. In that case I will behappy to clarify also these. Don’t forget, all these areconcepts. You have to find out from your own experienceif this concept is acceptable or not. That will depend onGod’s will and your destiny.

A retired physicist was investigating with Ramesh aboutwhat happens during concentration and meditation andRamesh, article at hand, read out this fascinating scientificdiscovery:Ramesh: I read a very interesting article about Dr.Newberg, a leading light in the field of neurotheology -the brain science behind spiritual and religiousexperience. He has invented a machine, which allowedhim to capture a snapshot of the brain in the moment ofspiritual transcendence, a state known in its highest formas samadhi. He invited and examined the brain of twoTibetan monks in the moment of their deepest meditationand asked them to ring a bell the moment they would entera deep state of meditation and so they did. The images DrNewberg captured showed that the brain’s pre-frontalcortex, — the seat of attention, lit up in a brilliantvermilion, indicating an increase in blood flow due to themeditator’s state of deep concentration. However the Upperrear area of the brain, known as the orientation associationarea, had turned into a dark blue. This rear part of thebrain is where we have a sense of space and time and whereappears the ‘self’’ existing as separate from the physicaluniverse. The darkness in this area showed that when ameditator was indrawn, the entire world receded,effectively blocking any information from the outside, thebrain cannot create a boundary between self and the entireworld, As a result, Newberg explains, it has no choice butto perceive that self as endless, interwoven with everyoneand everything. This may happen also in deepconcentration. This would explain that what happensduring meditation is only a time-bound experience, whileenlightenment means a total transformation, based on thetotal acceptance that the separate entity is merely aninstrument through which pure energy functions.

you will discover that if you had not been in a certainplace at certain time, and if you had not heard, seen orfelt something, you would not have ‘done’ a particularaction you were so sure could not be labeled as not youown action. The happening of being in a certain place andthe happening of seeing or hearing something, happenedand produced the action you were so sure was YOURACTION, while in reality, you never had any control overit. In conclusion, out of your own investigation, a flash oftotal acceptance is likely to happen. Consequently, thisrealization will bring in also the total acceptance that alsoothers’ actions are not their actions either. When the flashhappens there will be no more doubts and a newunderstanding may arise. Only from investigation of yourpersonal actions will you come to the conclusion that noone does any action; that all actions are only divinehappenings, happenings according to God’s will andtherefore, no one needs to be blamed for anything. That isthe conclusion you arrive at from your own experience.Then what was once an intellectual concept becomes thepersonal truth from your investigation and all the rest wasDivine hypnosis.Sandra: Thank you, Ramesh. I suppose all the previous stepswere part of the programming leading to a blessed clarity tohappen here listening and verifying under your guidance. Iwas in a lot of confusion and strain; now I am here by God’swill and I see that all the previous steps simply had to be, sothat I may dismantle them.Ramesh: I will tell you another thing. This is my concept:‘who cares if the full understanding happens’, yet do notbe pessimistic. In reality whether you do not even practicethis simple self-investigation, it may happen if it is God’swill, but it may also not happen if it is not! Sandra, you aremost welcome to come again, but once that understandinghappens no more doubts will remain and there will be noneed to come again.Sandra: I came from Bangalore, may I come also tomorrow,so that the teaching seeps in?Ramesh: If it makes you happy, surely you can come and


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The meeting was over and I felt very light, but as soonas I walked out, doubts started propping up, so I decidedto stay one more day even if I understood there was noneed of a new Guru-disciple relationship.

What this means is that the final understanding blocksthe sensory input from streaming into our brains andkeeps the orientation association area dark throughoutthe day, and not only during the time when the meditationis at its acme. No information flows into that area becausethere is no longer the individual entity doing thecomparing and judging and differentiating between theme and the other - the seer and the seen, the subject andthe object - based on the personal doership of eachseparate entity.

The result is that, with no information flowing into thatarea - the orientation association area - the brain has nochoice but to perceive that self as endless, interwoven witheveryone and everything. What causes the separationbetween the self and the other representing the outsideworld is the involvement of the self in the outside worldthrough the comparing and judging whatever appears asbeing done by the ‘other’.

What caused the darkness in the orientation associationarea, when the meditator had dived within, is that the‘thinking mind’ - got cut off. The thinking mind, is themind which asks questions based on what happens in theoutside world, based on what the others are doing, providesanswers and asks further questions based on thoseanswers, and this chain of thinking - involvement - goeson and on.

The other aspect of the mind, the ‘working mind’ is onlyfocused on the apparent doing that needs to be done atthe moment. It is only focused in doing the job. The workingmind is not concerned with the future because the ‘one’who is concerned with the consequences is the thinkingmind, the ego. In the working mind there is no individualdoing the work. The work being done is witnessed, whereasin the thinking mind exists the ego with the sense ofpersonal doership, very much concerned withthe consequences.

The increased frontal activity - and the decreasedactivity in the rear of the brain - is found not only duringmeditation but also during any attention-focusing taski.e. when the working mind is totally in charge.


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Ramesh: The ego. Every time you feel pain or you feelhurt it is the ego that feels the pain. Who finds difficultiesand gets hurt? The ego. What else? Who is the seeker?The ego. Who gets involved? The ego. Because of its naturethe body has its biological reactions due to genes andconditioning, over which the ego has no control, merereactions in the body mind organism. As soon as the eyessee something, the ears hear something, or your tonguetastes something, there is a biological reaction and theego gets involved, but there is no need to get involved. ASage’s ego simply witnesses the reaction and does not getinvolved in the biological reaction.

The body has biological reactions over which the egohas no control. The ego does not arise till the baby is twoyears old. The baby has preferences: if he is in his mother’sarms he refuses to go in anybody else’s arms My brother’sgrand child often comes here and if he does not see mearound, he misses me and searches to find out where I amand when he finally spots where I am, he feels, “ok, noweverything is in its place! Reactions like pain, fear, joy,compassion or sorrow are biological reactions and the egoshould not get involved, but in ordinary beings it does.How does the ego get involved? The ego gets involvedsaying, ‘I should be loyal to the Guru, I should becompassionate or I should not get angry etc.’ Also the Sagemay get angry, but having abolished the involvement ofthe ego, he does not care and does not get involved. TheSage simply witnesses all natural biological reactionshappening without getting involved.

The only way to deal with the ego is to understand whatthe ego is and how it has arisen. All there is Consciousnessand it is Consciousness, which has deliberately identifiedItself with each individual body-mind mechanism in orderto perceive the manifestation in the duality of observer/observed. So, the entire functioning of the totality ofmanifestation – the lila – is an impersonal affair of evolutionconcerning the process of initial identification – theidentified existence covering a certain period – the mindturning inwards – the beginning of the process ofdisidentification, and the final understanding of this very

Bombay was humid and hot, but during the night agentle storm cleared the air and cooled down the hightemperature. This time I arrived punctually and was happyto climb up the many steps to the fourth floor of Sindhulabuilding and discovered that once more I was so blessedto find only two other people, so I again had the rarechance to talk directly with Ramesh to clear some doubtsspringing from all previous conditioning.Sandra: After a day of pondering over your new conditioning,may I ask you a few clarifications Ramesh?Ramesh: Sure. Go ahead.Sandra: It is very difficult to abandon any prior spiritual pathor technique we have believed in.Ramesh: Yes.Sandra: It hurts. Who is feeling the pain?

Deepen and broaden your awarenessAnd all blessings will flow

You not need seek anything; all will come to you effortlessly

Wisdom Piercing the Heart

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Sandra: Do you mean to say that also the Guru disciplerelationship may be a phase in one’s life and then click…itmay shift to wider fields, different levels, under the innerGuru’s guidance and as per the programming in the genes?Ramesh: See, Sandra, two people may meet the sameteacher and, one may react with indifference and will‘click’ with some other Guru., while the other person‘clicks’ and will serve and obey her Guru donating all shehas. Guru disciple relationship may click with one personand not with another person. Even this type of happeningwas predetermined. It was supposed to ‘click’ or not.Destiny or Cosmic Law are at the root of all that happens.

Maharaj used to say that some may need more than oneGuru and some do not. I myself had a Guru for over 20years and then I met Maharaj.Sandra: Does it mean that this ‘click’ can happen only for acertain number of years and then chak…….and you areperfectly ok feeling that the teaching is no more in line withthe level you had happened to reach and you pass on toanother Guru, as if it were like drinking a glass of freshwater?Ramesh: This does not mean that you will immediatelyfind another Guru. Another Guru will appear at the verymoment that it has to happen, or when you are supposedto find another Guru, not a day before nor a day later. Thefundamental basic understanding is that whateverhappens the ego has no reason to blame himself as it neverdid anything! The secret is, - Go with the flow, do not resistit. Nor does it mean that you have to have a teacher toremove your bondage. This would mean further bondage.It is bondage if you depend on another being to removethat “me”. We have come to point where the understandingis that for the I AM state to prevail, Sandra must be removed,yet Sandra cannot do anything about the removing. Can aGuru ‘do’ it for you? My answer is no. Only by God’s willthis will happen or not. Also this disappearance willhappen.Sandra: As a consequence of deepening the underlyingimplications of these concepts of no doership, will you kindly

impersonal process, or enlightenment, in whichConsciousness has regained Its original “purity”. What thewitnessing does is to be dissociated from the ego whilerecognizing its validity as the operational element, whichmust persist as the part of the psychic construct of thepsychosomatic mechanism. This element, the ego, mustcontinue to exist as long as the body exists, but no longerconfused. What the understanding brings about is that therecognition of the ego, or mind, is merely the workingpartner in the physical organization that the body is, andnot its independent owner.Sandra: So I should not feel I am a stray-dog if I withdrawfrom a certain spiritual technique, a path in which I totallybelieved in for years? Isn’t this being inconsistent or disloyal?Ramesh: Every event, every thought, every feelingconcerning any individual is a movement inConsciousness. This feeling of being like ‘a stray dog’arises from the ego, as it is not a biological reaction. It isthe ego thinking you are supposed to feel love and be loyalto a spiritual path or loyal to your own country and soforth. The ego is the one saying: “I should” or “I amsupposed to.”

I have ten Gurus who am I to be loyal to? Therefore at acertain point the ego must have some understanding andthis needed and important understanding is: ‘you did notchoose to find that particular Guru at that particularmoment in time. It happened and now a certain shift ishappening and it was never your doing. The base is: It allhappens. It is predetermined and there is nothing Sandrahas ever done, either good or bad, she never had the choicebetween alternatives, or paths or Gurus. Sandra couldnever make a mistake, as she was never in charge ofchoosing! All was meant to be. It was your programming.The ego brings in the fear Sandra may have donesomething wrong or she can be compared to a ‘lunitoon’or a stray dog. There is no inconsistency whatsoever. It isa mere thought that arises, “What did I do wrong?” is amere thought that arises due to prior conditioning.Stepping out and getting on is simply in your destiny.


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Sandra: Then what is the sense of re-birth or previousbirths?Ramesh: How can Sandra have more than one lifetime?Sandra: That is a good question!Ramesh: Freedom from personal doership is freedom fromrebirth. The fact that there are geniuses in any field in lifein music in cricket or in the spiritual field etc should makeyou think. Ramana never meditated nor was he seekingwhen at the young age of 16 it happened that theunderstanding dawned. Something must be carriedforward from previous incarnations. Like Beethoven,Mozart or Albert Einstein, Ramana Maharshi was a genius– a spiritual genius. Therefore something must be carriedover from a previous life. But Ramesh, as an ego, is notgoing to be carried over to another life. What is broughtover I do not know and I could not care a damn about this‘what’. There was another ego enjoying a previous life andit is not carried forward from one life to another. Therewill be surely another birth, but Sandra will not be carriedforth to another life. All the ego has to do is to ask himself,“What am I to seek and what is the goal in this lifetime.”The ego is not concerned with any more births. Further,freedom from personal doership is obviously also freedomfrom rebirth. Sandra, as a personality or ego, is only forthis birth. The ego is meant only for this present body toenjoy or suffer whatever is the will of God or the CosmicLaw. Freedom from the concept of doership is freedom fromrebirth.Sandra: So, also the type of death we are to face is alsopredestined?Ramesh: Nobody has to worry about the deathphenomenon. You do not have to worry, as when it happensyou will not be there. The humourist, Woody Allen, hassaid: “I am not afraid of death, the only thing I do not wantis to be present at the moment it happens.” The process ofdeath may be painful or sudden. Even saints likeRamakrishna, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramana Maharshiwere lingering with cancer for months and Jesus sufferedon the cross. Lingering with cancer is destiny and the ego

also clarify about the inherent meaning of karma. Is it simplyan interwoven pattern willed by the Source, combined withthe planetary set up at the moment of birth, which has nothingto do with our actions in the past as we are not the doers?Once Sai Baba came in my dream and stated, “Do you wantto know a secret? Not even karma exists.” It was such adifferent teaching from His normal public talks that I fearedalso dreams may be dreams in the dream of life and I neverinvestigated further.Ramesh: My basic understanding is that nobody doesanything. Therefore investigate deeper on the basicmeaning of karma? What does the term karma mean?Sandra: ActionRamesh: Yes, action, but not your action. Action. Anaction happens therefore there are consequences and wego back to the Buddha’s words: events happen, deeds aredone, consequences happen, but there is no individualdoer. So, actions happen but nobody as individual doer isresponsible. Just as in the Bhagavan Gita Krishna teachesArjuna that all responsibility lies on His shoulders aboutthe battle. Whether he wants or not to fight his nature, theprogramming is to be a warrior and even if Arjuna doesnot want to fight, he will be forced by his programming sohis preference or decision not to fight, is totally useless.Nature or programming will make Arjuna fight and in anycase Krishna stressed that He has already killed those whohad to be killed. No action is ever the action of an object.So what is karma all about? An action happens and thereare consequences, but who is really responsible for anaction you never did? It is the action of the subject.Anyhow, the created object cannot understand the Subjectand we should not be concerned with those who reap theconsequences of these actions. Whenever a scientist stopsinvestigating, he will become a mystic. This finalunderstanding is that understanding in which there isno “I” and no “me” to say, “I have understood. I told you:the only Truth is I Am - I Exist. That is the only Truth.Everything else is a concept. Rebirth is a concept. Yourkarma is a concept. There is no karma which is yours,all that happens is God’s will.


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Sandra: How to listen to God’s promptings better?Ramesh: Very simple in whatever situation do as you like,as what you like depends precisely on the genes andconditioning that God has programmed for you. So howcan it ever not be God’s will? You can never commit a sin.You can never make a mistake. The answer is, you maydo what you like, but what you like to do is exactly whatGod wants you to like to do at that moment in the givencircumstance. Therefore, there is no contradiction. Dowhatever you think you like. And how does God managethat? Through the programming. What you think youlike is based on the programming-genes plusconditioning and God acts through the programmingand you need no effort to listen to the promptings..Sandra: What about the teaching of repeating mantras?Ramesh: Repeating a mantra keeps the mind free frominvolvement by fixing the concentration on the mantra.Concentration is the trick, as otherwise your tongue goeson repeating the mantra and the mind goes to the marketand, in this case, there is no purpose in repeating themantra. The main purpose of repeating a mantra is to keepthe mind from conceptual involvement like for examplethinking about reincarnation or any imaginary happening.Sandra: I find it easier to translate books rather thanrepeating a mantra.Ramesh: So, no better way. As good as repeating a mantra.More practical. The whole purpose is not to allow the mindto get involved in speculative concepts. Whether it bringssome money or you are writing for your own satisfaction,it makes no difference. Sandra can either repeat the mantraor translate a book.Sandra: Repeating a mantra does not have the same effect!!!Ramesh: (Giggles.) Then translate, as all you have to dois to keep the mind away from conceptualization. Whenthe mind is concentrated on japa or repeating mantra, theback of the brain, the thinking mind, remains empty, andno thought has the possibility to arise. Writing ortranslating keep the thinking mind in check and any typeof concentration is as good as repeating mantras.

can do nothing about it, so why worry? A friend of minewent to the fridge to fetch a glass of cold water, his wifeheard him open the fridge and then a thud. He was dead:a massive heart attack.

The ego may be worried about death, but there is nothingthe ego can do about how it will have to face death. TheDalai Lama went to USA a few months ago and wassurrounded by the usual group of journalists. One askedHim: “ Your Holiness do you believe in rebirth?” and theDalai Lama, being a Buddhist,. Answered, “Of course Ibelieve in rebirth, but there is nothing personal in it.”There is birth and rebirth, yet nothing personal, the ego iswhat makes it personal.Sandra: As everything is predestined, what can the individualego modify by praying or repeating mantras?Ramesh: This is begging not praying. What is the use ofbegging if everything is predestined? A prayer of gratitudecan arise. I will tell you a story about a Moghul Emperorwho wanted to be democratic and a good ruler. The Emperordecided that anybody could have access to him, so he fixeda bell outside his private rooms, so people could summonhim. One morning a beggar rang the bell while the Emperorwas finishing his morning prayers. The beggar sat silentlywatching the Emperor praying in front of his altar, thenmade a move with the intention of going away, but theEmperor called him back and asked him what he needed.The beggar told him, “I came here wanting something fromyou, but I found you with your hands raised begging fromsomeone else, so what is the use of me begging from you?”

Prayer is a biological reaction. The ego watches abiological reaction resulting in a prayer.

My concept is that a prayer of gratitude andthankfulness may arise at some moment and that is a realprayer. You may happen to see people suffering and youmay realize how lucky you are to be so healthy comparedto others, and a prayer of gratitude may spontaneouslyarise. This is really the only real prayer and not the usualprayer where one asks for a promotion or money, which issynonymous with begging.


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see, a monk may be programmed to keep the mind free ofinvolvement by meditation or japa, but the state where norequest, no desire arises’, the state of mind where you areat peace, Sukha Shanthi, the joy of peace, is a merehappening. The total acceptance of this no doership, mustbe totally accepted.Shanthi: I understand. Total acceptance. Uhm..I think itnever was there although I often tried to get to the core ofthe term surrender more than once, yet life was a strugglefor years on end. So, it is total acceptance the secret?Ramesh: In other words, what I mean is to have the abilityto bear whatever life brings. Happiness means sometimeshappiness, sometimes unhappiness, while acceptance, theability to bear whatever life brings, is what you call peace.Kate: Can you explain this word acceptance? Is it as youwere explaining to Sandra, only true and total acceptance ofthe events and/or emotions arising?Ramesh: Yes, to accept whatever happens in life. Haveyou ever tried? Are you able to accept it?Kate: I am not that sure. But I see the importance of the totalacceptance. Yet it has been like a flip-flop creating chaos.Ramesh: Acceptance basically means accepting thecharacteristics of any given body-mind organism as partof the totality of phenomenal manifestation over which theconcerned individual had no control. This includesaccepting one’s own limitations not as something toimprove upon with one’s own efforts, but leaving theimprovement, if any is needed, to the natural process. Thisacceptance prevents any sense of frustration if the effortsare not very successful. When we accept theunderstanding one also accepts the natural limitationsof any other body-mind mechanism without judging. Totalacceptance essentially means accepting the subjectivityof God. And the “me” as the instrument through whichConsciousness or God, as the Subject, expresses Itself inobjectivity. Acceptance is a combination of tolerance andhumility. Acceptance leads to understanding and thisleads to extreme sensitivity. The Sage, the Jnani, weepswith those who weep and laughs with those who laugh as

Ramesh: Where are you from, Shanthi?Shanthi: From AustraliaRamesh: Do you consider yourself a seeker?Shanthi: Since I was born.Ramesh: Oh, how did it happen? Do you remember?Shanthi: My mother is devoted to Ramana Maharshi. WhenI was 13 I started meditating and I used to say that if Ramanahad made it at 16 I would make it at 14.Ramesh: I see. So you have always been a seeker. Anyparticular question?Shanthi: Are concentration and meditation the means tostop the flow of thoughts?Ramesh: Whenever there is full concentration, no newthought can come in. It can come in if the concentrationis not complete. Whether you concentrate or meditate oryour attention is totally absorbed and concentrated onsome work, the thinking mind cannot bring in any thought.This is called concentration not thoughtlessness, It is notcalled awareness.Shanthi: Do we attain it through a technique?Ramesh: There is no attaining anything. It is ahappening, but you have this attainment issue in-groovedin your mind! Anyhow you cannot achieve it, it happensonly if it has to happen. No technique is the precedingprerogative. Not even personal investigation is a MUST. Itis destiny and the Source’s will. If you wish you hang onto the personal investigation, but it can happen evenwithout investigation. But the self-investigation couldhelp, as the intellectual understanding goes deeper.Doership is the obstacle. There is no me. Who is this mewho thinks he or she is the doer? Investigating makes theinvestigator arrive at the conclusion he or she was neverthe doer.Shanthi: Then why are all these techniques taught?Ramesh; Techniques keep the mind empty; free ofinvolvement. All practices are helpful up to a certain point.They lead to that stage for the happening to happen. You


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tell you that in the next few months you will not get whatyou want, as everything is predetermined, and whetheryou believe it or not, this is how it works.Kate: As I am not the doer, how do I face daily issues anddaily commitments?Ramesh: The bottom line of the teaching is: at anymoment, in any given circumstances, do whatever youthink you should do. Can you ever have more freedom thanthat? At any moment, in any given circumstances, dowhatever you think you should do, and ‘doing’ meansmerely deciding between the alternatives that are availableto you. Select any alternative that you think you should‘do’ because your choice is based on the programming overwhich you have no control. Now tell me, Judy, whatobstacle is there between you and the peace you have beenseeking since you were born?Judy: Emotions, attachment and ego.Ramesh: Now, emotion - you’ll find some people withmore emotion than others, isn’t that right? I have a friend,a German friend who is very emotional. I often see him.Tears come to his eyes – emotional. He has been a soldierall his life and also for six generations all his ancestorswere soldiers, but when I talk to him, if something toucheshim, tears promptly come to his eyes. And yet he has beena soldier, a good soldier. You see? So the arising ofemotions has not prevented him from being a good soldier.So my point is, if emotion arises, what does it matter? Whyare you concerned with emotion arising or not arising?Have you ever wondered if the loss of peace is due toemotions? Why do you not like emotions to arise? Fear?What do you fear? Do you fear what people will think?Judy : I believe it is an unidentified fear of suffering.Ramesh: Fear itself is an emotion. The arising of anyemotion does not prevent you from having the peace youwish to have. Whenever fear arises, yet you don’t acceptthis emotion and you force yourself, convincing yourself,that you are courageous and have no fear, there happensa friction, a competition within yourself, and this verycompetition creates a certain strife and unhappiness

the suffering or the pleasure is mirrored. Now, tell me Kate,what is your understanding, about how to achieve thispeace we are all looking for?Kate: I am still quite young, but I know that worldly happinessand unhappiness is something that doesn’t last.Ramesh: Yes exactly, this is what life is all about. Lifesometimes brings. pain, sometimes pleasure, sometimeshappiness and sometimes unhappiness. Now, my conceptis that we do have that peace within us. That peaceeverybody has at hand, therefore there exists nothing onehas to achieve or attain. It is there, but that peace isobstructed by something we think or do. My concept is,basically that we don’t have to achieve the peace, which isalready there. What we are concerned with is removingthe obstacle to that peace. Removing the obstruction, whichprevents that peace from happening. What is theobstruction? What prevents that peace? Now, from myconcept: peace is there. Whenever a feeling happenswhether acceptable or not acceptable, if it happens youaccept it. So what do you think prevents you from reachingthat peace during whatever you do in the waking hours?The problem arises because you say it should not havehappen, “I should not have done this or that.” Is theobstacle to peace, the obstacle to Sukha Shanthi, the joyof peace. But there it is, so accept whatever happens assomething that had to happen according to the destiny ofthis object. The main point is that it is not in your control,but if you wish to think that it is in your control, nothingprevents you, according to my teaching, from doingwhatever you want to do.Kate: I am confused as there are so many books on the powerof the mind. Why are they written?Ramesh: To sell them and make money! These self-helpbooks help you decide what you are to do in a givensituation and how to deal with any particular situation.They tell you what you should do, but my concept iswhatever you have done and whatever happens is not inyour control, it has never ever been in your control toinfluence the results. Astrologers or palm leaf-readers may


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in Bombay? Can I choose to listen to Ramesh rather thananyone else?Ramesh: But even on this particular issue of coming here,to listen to Ramesh, you could only decide, right? Whathappens as a result of the decision, you cannot foresee.There are no fixed results after a certain decision and theresults are according to God’s will. For example, youdecided to come to Bombay, but your plane may be delayedand you cannot arrive here for the talk.Judy: Yet sooner or later one plane will fly……..Ramesh: Oh, yes, the airplane will leave, but will it be onschedule? If late as usual here in India, you may not beable to attend the satsang at the time ‘your free will’ thoughtyou would be attending. You may have to wait till the nextday. This is destiny. You may decide, if you wish to thinkso, but anyhow the results of your decision are not in yourhands, if you recall your many experiences in life, at leaston this I am sure you agree. Do you agree Sandra?Sandra: Honestly I had no plans to come during monsoons.Actually I had in mind to come in September, but here I am inJune and full monsoon.Ramesh: Yes. So what exactly do we mean by ‘free will’?Is it all a matter about deciding what you are to do next.That’s all. It has to do with the attractive ‘power to decide’and to be in charge. That’s all. What is your experience?You make a decision, but whether it happens or not, youreally can’t say because other forces may come into thepicture. You cannot be sure about the results. This is mypoint. You cannot be sure about the results of any decisionyou take with your free will.Sandra: Can I really make a decision?Ramesh: You’re quite right. You have the free will to makea decision. In other words, we are either the subject, puresubjectivity, potentiality, energy, God, whatever you chooseto call it - the Source - the one reality from which the entiremanifestation has come and there exists only puresubjectivity, pure reality, or we are objects and everybodyelse is an object. It’s very clear, isn’t it? And yet, this is thebasic, simple truth, which everybody forgets and keeps on

within you, as there is no acceptance. You do not accepthow things are. In these instances one cannot have thepeace one desires so strongly. You are unhappy andtherefore far from peace. Anger arises because it is yournature to be angry - angrier than another person or moreafraid than another person. So the arising of fear, arisingof anger and also arising of compassion, happens becauseaccording to my concept, it is the nature of the humanobject. Each object has it own nature and programming.Basically, what is a human being? You see themanifestation, the universe. What is the manifestationmade of? What is the universe or the manifestation madeof? It’s made of objects, isn’t it? Objects everywhere, planets,stars, trees, fish etc. Whatever exists in phenomenality,whatever exists in the phenomenal universe is an object.Isn’t that right?

My basic concept is that each one of us, everybody,wants happiness and peace. But who is this everybody?Let’s first consider that. Who is this everybody who wantsthis peace? Basically, my point therefore is that a humanbeing cannot be anything other than one type of object,which along with thousands of other types of objectsconstitutes the totality of manifestation. Essentially, whatI’m saying is that each one of us is an object, but we tendto forget this important point. We forget that we are merethree-dimensional objects because the Source has createdall these objects with such a design, or nature, that theobject considers itself a separate entity with volition. “Ihave free will. I can do what I like. I’m responsible for myactions, therefore I can either do a good action or a badaction. I can be courageous or not. I can be kind or I maybe unkind. Everything is in my control. I’m in charge ofmy life. To Shanthi, who thinks in terms of “I am in chargeof my life” my question is, who is this ‘you’ that you’retalking about? And my point is that basically, you are anobject, a specially designed and programmed object, butnonetheless an object. Essentially, human beings cannotbe anything more than an object and this has tobe accepted.Judy: Yes. (giggling) Did I ever have the free will to be here


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by the Source, even confusion or Maya. What is thisprogramming? Each human being has been created as aunique individual entity, a unique individual humanobject, so that Source Itself, by whatever name you call It,may be able to use each individual, each uniquelyprogrammed human object to bring about whatever theSource wants. That is my basic concept. Each human beingis a uniquely programmed instrument, object, or computercreated by the Source so that the Source can do whateverit wants, and bring about whatever It wants through eachhuman object, through each uniquely programmedinstrument. Therefore, anything that happens through anyhuman object is not something done by an object. An objectcan do nothing. Therefore my basic concept is: anythingthat happens through any human object is not somethingdone by an individual, but something brought about bythat Source which has created that human object in aspecial way so that whatever happens to that birth is exactlywhat the Source wants to bring about. Is what I have justsaid strange for you? I repeat, every human being is auniquely programmed, designed human object, so that theSource may bring up, through each uniquely programmedhuman object, whatever the Source wants to produce andnot what the object wants to produce. It seems strange,but this is how it works.Sandra: It is quite a relief.Ramesh: I say nothing different from, ‘Thy will be done’.It’s been there in the Lord’s Prayer ever since you were achild. So what I’m saying is exactly what those four wordssay, “Thy will be done.” Thy will is the Source’s will. It isnothing different from the famous Buddha’s words: ‘Deedsare done, events happen, but there is no individual doerthereof.’Sandra: Can we go into more details about the programmingyou are talking about?Ramesh: What is this programming I am talking about? Irefer to the unique programming, which enables theSource to bring out whatever the Source wants and notwhat the objects wants. The programming, according tomy concept, is this: you have no choice in being born to

thinking, “I want this. I like you. I don’t like this or that.”When you go deeper and deeper you realize that thethought dropped in a few seconds prior to any decision.So, is it still a decision of yours?Sandra: As all is the Source, who is prompting the confusingthought we have free will?Ramesh: Whenever that object is able to think that it hasvolition, then even that ability to think that it has volitionand that he is in charge of his life, must have come fromthe Source. So, an object who considers himself a separateentity with volition, has that ability to think (so) onlybecause the Source has created that ability in that object.That is clear, isn’t it?Sandra: Who has preferences? The ego?Ramesh: Yes, the ego! Therefore, my question alwaysbegins with: Who is this who wants something, who doesnot want something; who likes or does not like someoneor something? Who is this? It is basically an object.Sandra: What is a human being then?Ramesh: My concept is that a human being is an object,uniquely programmed by the Source. Now, when I say theSource, you can give it any name you like, so long as youremember that all those labels refer to only one thing - theSource. The physicist will use the word primal energy oryou give whatever label to the Source and if you prefer tosay energy, say energy, if you prefer to say God, say God.Or if you prefer to keep using the Source, that’s fine too.The Upanishads call it ‘Consciousness’, ‘the impersonalawareness of being’. ‘I am’.Sandra: Can you clarify this ‘I am’?Ramesh: ‘I am’ does not refer to Ramesh, or to Sandra, oranyone else. The awareness that we have is simply of beingalive. ‘I am.’ The impersonal awareness of being is theSource. The Source has identified Itself with each humanobject and created this impersonal awareness andimmediately identified it with an individual entity. So,the Source or Consciousness Itself has created thisconfusion, this identification with the ‘ego. All is created


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his life, is really only a fiction created by what the Hindu’scall: Maya. I call it: divine hypnosis.

When the Source created this human object and theparents called the baby object ‘Sandra’, then, by divinehypnosis a fiction was also created; the hypnosis thatSandra is an individual entity. How? By creating anidentification; a fictional, conceptual identification witha particular body/mind organism and a name. So what isSandra? Basically a name given to a human object overthe programming of which the so-called Sandra had nocontrol. You had no control over your genes. You had nocontrol over your conditioning, and what Sandra is, isnothing but genes plus your conditioning.

You say you make a decision. When you make adecision Sandra, what is that decision based on? Thatdecision, which you think is your decision, according tomy concept, is based essentially on the genes and theenvironmental up to date condition. Let us say that tendays ago you had decided something, but during thesepast ten days, you have met some people, you have readsome books, and that very reading or dialogues with yournew acquaintances, have changed your existingconditioning and therefore, now, you may look upon thedecision made ten days ago as something you would nothave decided today. Do you see what I’m getting at? Theconditioning keeps on changing. What is happening now,Sandra? You and I are having a talk and it could changethe existing conditioning in either of us. So theconditioning is going on all the time, and whateverdecision you think you are making is based on the genesplus the up to date conditioning. You call it your decision.But is it really your decision, Sandra? When, on analyzing,investigating you’ll find that what you call ‘your’ decisionis based entirely on something over which you have nocontrol, you will arrive at the conclusion that even thedecisions, which you think you make, are based onsomething over which you have no control. And thedecisions that you think you are making are exactly theSource will.

certain particular parents, therefore you have no choiceabout the genes - the unique DNA of this particular humanobject. Each human object has a distinct DNA, not eventwins have similar programming. Even twins have differentDNA and the DNA in the body can identify that body asthat particular individual body. So, Sandra has no choiceabout the genes in this human object called Sandra, andfor the same reason, Sandra had no choice about theenvironment in which she was born, Sandra did not chooseher parents nor the environment where to grow. Did youdecide you were to be born in Italy? Did you choose theparticular environment, physical, social environment inwhich this human object Sandra was to grow? No, Sandrawas never in control. Sandra has no control whatsoever towhich human parents, in which environment, whichgeographical environment, which social environment, hewas to be conditioned by.Sandra: is the personality and as the persona called Sandrais, according to my concept, nothing more than theprogramming willed by the Source, due to the genes or DNAplus the environmental conditioning, which includes socialconditioning, your education, your social upbringing, howSandra is, cannot but be part of that conditioning, which ispredestined?Ramesh: Ever since a baby has been born, thisconditioning has been going on. A baby is born, a six oreight months baby is not concerned if there are otherchildren. But as the child grows, the environmentalconditioning will stress that it must associate with certainchildren and not with others and that he/she has to go tothis or that school. So, at any moment, Sandra, thepersona, is an individual entity, which had no control overeither its genes or the environment or his socialconditioning. Therefore, Sandra is a fiction. There is trulyno Sandra at all, except this feeling of being an‘independent’ entity, and this feeling of being anindependent entity, which has been imposed on thepersonal awareness of being is called ‘ego’. So, the ego,according to my concept, which makes Sandra think heis an individual with volition and that he is in control of


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in that object God has created the genes and theconditioning and then God also gives the input withthoughts. How can any output be different from God’s will?Every single output through every single human computer,every single moment, in any place, has to be the will ofthe Source. And it is on this very sound reasoning thatthe Bible says: “Thy will be done.” God or Source are oneand the same, but most of the times the word God is usedmistakenly. The word God is used as the “chief executive”of the multi-national manifestation. And this God hasvarious vice-presidents called Avatars. That is how theword God is used, but for me the Source and God have thesame meaning.

If you investigate deeply, you will come to theconclusion that every decision, and therefore every actionand its result are all entirely the will of the Source. Yetthe intellect goes on asking: “How does God’s willfunction?” We can say: according to a natural law or acosmic law. Then the intellect in this human object objects:“On what basis does God’s will function? On what basisdoes the cosmic law function?” Human beings cannotunderstand, not even in a million years. The humanintellect asks the question: “On what basis does God’s willfunction? On what basis does God create a healthy childor a handicapped child? On what basis does God create ahealthy child in a rich family or a handicapped child in apoor family?” Human beings will never be in a position toeither know or understand this. Do you know why?Because the one who wants to know the basis on whichthe subject functions, is a mere created object. How canan object ever know the will of the subject?

If you create a statue, a figure of a human being out ofeither gold or metal, you’ll create a human figure. In thatcase, you are the subject and the statue is the object. Sothe object, that the subject has created, will never knowwhy you created the object. The human figure created bythe sculptor is not in a position to know the basis on whichthe sculptor’s will works. Similarly, the human objectcannot understand or know the basis on which the puresubject, the Source, functions. This is why we have to

What does the Source do? It uses every human object,uniquely programmed objects, as computers. It uses eachhuman object as an individual, uniquely programmedcomputer. How do you use your computer? You put in aninput and your computer has no choice but to bring outan output, strictly according to the programming. Isn’t thatright? Do you use a computer at all?Sandra: Yes I do.Ramesh: So when you use your computer, what do youdo? You give an input, then you press a button and theoutput has nothing to do with the computer’s choice. It isstrictly according to the programming. Isn’t that right? Butyour computer, contrary to the body-mind organism, hasno ego and it does not say, “It is ‘my’ action.” So the outputis strictly according to the programming. The brain reactsto an input over which you have no control, an input beingsent by the Source. So what is the input? Mostly it is athought. You have a thought, which leads to an action,about which Sandra says “It is ‘my’ action.” Whateverthought will arrive after this thought, is not in your controleither. It has been proved in the laboratory that the nextthought that you receive will happen almost half a secondbefore Sandra reacts to that thought and decides to eitherdo something or not; the thought arises half a secondbefore you actually react to it. That means you haveabsolutely no control over the input. As we have just beensaying: we have no control over the programming. So youhave no control over the input, you have no control overthe programming, and yet you say that the output is ‘my’decision!

Therefore, upon analysis, we discover that everydecision through a particular body/mind object is exactlythe decision that Source wants. In synthesis, even thedecision is willed and promoted by the Source and thesubsequent happening is also God’s will. That is basicallywhy we say: “Thy will be done.” The Source has made theprogramming, giving all the inputs and the output canonly be according to God’s will. Why do all the sacredScriptures stress “Thy will be done.” Why? Because it isaccording to God’s will that the object is born. Secondly,


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it has not been ‘done’ by anyone, there is no one tobe blamed.

If you totally accept ‘Thy will be done’, you cannot blameanybody, neither yourself, nor me nor he or she. So theimmediate effect of being able to accept that nothing canhappen unless it is the will of God means that youimmediately cease to blame others and have and you ceaseto blame yourself or anyone for whatever happens.

Actions happen through this body/mind organism,actions happen through every body/mind organism and Ican only see them as God’s will. Whenever an actionhappens through this body/mind organism and the societyconsiders it a good action and honors Ramesh, thehonoring by the society as seen or heard or read, becomesan input in Ramesh’s body/mind organism. The brainreacts to it - strictly according to the programming and asense of pleasure arises; a natural, mechanical, biologicalreaction. But having the total understanding that it is notmy action, that I cannot produce any action, it is thereforenot my action that has been appreciated by the society.So, while there may arise a sense of pleasure, there doesnot arise a sense of pride.

At the other extreme, an action happens through thisbody mind organism, which is condemned by society forwhatever reason. It has been condemned by society. Letus say I have hurt someone’s feelings; then thecondemnation of society is an input in my body/mindcomputer. The brain reacts to society’s indignation andthe biological, mechanical reaction happens to produce asense of regret - a sense of regret that an action hashappened which has hurt somebody’s feelings. So in thatcase a sense of regret arises, just as earlier a sense ofpleasure arose. This time a sense of regret arises, but thereis also the absolute total certainty that it is not my action,which has been condemned by society because I know Ican do no action nor can anybody do any action.Therefore, that action, which has been condemned bysociety, happened because it was God’s will and it is notmy action. Therefore, while in this computer a sense ofregret may arise, a sense of guilt cannot arise. A sense of

accept that nothing happens unless it is the will of God.Whatever happens, we have to accept that it could not havehappened unless it was the will of God.

Jesus Christ happened, Mohammed happened, Moseshappened, Ramana Maharshi happened, Ramakrishnahappened. They could not have happened unless it wasthe will of God. So, Jesus Christ happened because it wasthe will of God, but Hitler also happened, Stalin alsohappened; therefore also Hitler and Stalin could not havehappened unless it was the will of God. Why does theSource or God produce what human beings consider goodand bad, good and evil, beautiful and ugly, the humanbeing cannot know. All that the human being can do, asthe German mystic Meister Eckhart said, is to: “...wonderand marvel at the magnificence and variety of God’screation.” We can only accept it; we cannot question it.So if we totally accept that whatever happens is God’s will,and not anybody’s doing... In other words, if we are able,by the grace of God, to accept what the Buddha said:“Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individualdoer thereof.” Then a space is open for the totalunderstanding to happen, if it is God’s will that it happens.Events happen, deeds are done, but there is “no individualdoer’ doing anything. This means that any action, whichwe think is ours, in reality, is not our action. Nobody has‘done’ anything, but it has happened because it is the willof God.

If Sandra is truly able to accept that no action is hisaction, no action is Ramesh’s action, no action is anyone’saction, but a happening, which had to happen at a certaintime and at a certain place because it was the will of God,what are the changes that happen in Sandra’s state ofmind? Sandra realizes that it would be silly to blameanybody for any action, wouldn’t it? If I’m truly able toaccept by the grace of God, as even the understanding isGod’s will, that nothing can happen unless it is God’s will,and therefore if anything has happened, which humanbeings or society consider as good or evil, if it hashappened, it could not have happened unless it was thewill of God. One thing further, whatever has happened, if


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be an obstruction to it. If you but cease from uselessconceptualizing, you will be what you are and what youhave always been.

For enlightenment to happen the perceiver must turnright around and wake up to the fact that he is face to facewith his own nature - that HE IS IT. The spiritual seekerultimately finds that he was already at the destination,that he himself IS what he had been seeking and he wasin fact already home. The manifest phenomenal aspect ofwhat we are and the unmanifest noumenal Absolute arenot different. Phenomena are what we appear to be.Noumenon is what we ARE.Sandra: When you say we are all three-dimensional objectsare you talking to our ego?Ramesh: Yes. By ego, Sandra, I mean identification with aparticular body/mind and a name with a sense of volition,doer-ship.Sandra: I understand we are not the doers. Do coincidencesexist? Or all is predetermined?Ramesh: Whether it is a coincidence or not, what isrelevant is that it is not my action or your action. Whetherit is a coincidence or somebody’s will, who cares? What isthe relevant point? It is not your action or my action.Whether it is an accident or coincidence or a cosmic law,the fact remains that it is not my action or your action.Some power is working. Some power is bringing about thecoincidence. This power, this energy that pervades theentire Universe makes us work like mere gadgets.Sandra: Will I get caught up again in feelings of all kinds,reactions and confusion?Ramesh: Yes. If also this unstable ‘flip flop’ has to be thereby God’s will it will be there. Do not feel it is your fault.Just accept it. Now, Sandra, tell me: who is this who feelswhatever she feels? Who is it? Is there a Sandra at all otherthan a name? All I see is an object to which the nameSandra was given. A uniquely programmed object with aname. Who is it that likes or dislikes what she is feeling?Who? A body mind organism, which is an object. Whateveryou decide to do will be exactly what God wants you to do

guilt or shame can never arise. Do you have any morequestions now, Sandra?Sandra: So, also enlightenment is a happening and there isno need of specific strenuous practices?Ramesh: Concepts can at best only serve to negate oneanother, as one thorn is used to remove another, and thenbe thrown away. Only in deep silence do we leave conceptsbehind. Words and language deal only with concepts, andcannot approach Reality. Ceasing to conceptualize meansceasing to perceive objectively, which means perceivingnon-objectively. It is to see the universe without choice orjudgment and without getting into subject-objectrelationship. What happens then? Nothing, except that youare what you were before you were born: everything. Howit happened in my particular case is not relevant for you,Sandra. You may be programmed in a different way. Therewas in your destiny to arrive here after 18 years of beingin India and in my destiny to be still alive when you came,as I am already 88. If my concepts help you, it isGod’s will.

“Self-realization or enlightenment is nothing more thanthe deepest possible understanding that there is noindividual doer of any action - neither you nor anyoneelse. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts, northe experiencer of an experience - they happen. Whenthe apparent but illusory identity called a person hasdisappeared into the awareness of total potentiality that itis and has always been, this is called enlightenment. WhenIT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head!And The day that you GET IT there will be no one there tosay, “I’ve got it !” Which is just as well since there will beno one there to hear. The only ultimate understanding isthat nothing is, not even he who understands. Theessential basis of self-realization is the total rejection ofthe individual as an independent entity, whether it comesabout as a spontaneous understanding or through an uttersurrender of one’s individual existence. Self-Realizationis effortless. What you are trying to find is what you alreadyare. Enlightenment is total emptiness of mind. There isnothing you can do to get it. Any effort you make can only


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After the first two Satsangs, I flew back home and allthe threads of the teaching naturally and spontaneouslystarted connecting in a mirror like reflection at the frontof my mind, like a film I was witnessing. In the heart therewas sweet calmness and no thoughts were pestering it.

The clarity that effort was not the way, but that the mindmay turn inwards not because of any action or practice,but purely as a movement in Consciousness, animpersonal happening and not an achievement of“enlightenment” was gently flowering in the heart and Iwas witnessing the gentle gushes of the wind of claritysweeping away all the clutches of the old conditioning. Itwas a joyful and peaceful stillness, no counter-questions,simple acceptance that irradiated so much peace that tearswere often silently flowing as the deepest sense of reliefwas gradually setting in. As in a film I was watching allthe threads effortlessly linking, in the peaceful and natural

The Last Blow to the Coconut

C H A P T E R 24

“When the individual self, the ego, dies, the sense of consciousness as ‘I’ and ‘you’ also dies,

and only the universal Awareness, as pure Being, remains.That remaining universal Awareness, which is the One Self,

is both the location and the source ofall happiness and peace.

It is freedom. This is itself enlightenment,it is the natural state.”

because God has done the programming.. In other words,the biggest freedom is: to be able to do whatever you like,whatever you think you should do with the total convictionthat never will you have to ask God’s forgiveness or thatyou could ever have made a mistake.

The freedom is not only to do what you’d like; the realfreedom is that you can do whatever you like without thedanger of ever having to beg God’s forgiveness for a sin orexcuse yourself with your meditation technique teacherif your body does not allow you to proceed the way youhad planned. Never will you have to excuse yourself orfind fault with yourself, neither now, nor in the future,nor on your deathbed. Whatever you decide to do, at anymoment, cannot be against God’s will. Any decision ofyours is God’s will, what happens to the decision, as anaction, is God’s will. The results and consequences of thataction are God’s will, whoever may be affected by thoseresults or consequences. That is why I say you’ll neverever have to ask for God’s forgiveness for any action, for itis not your action. What more freedom can you want? Sandra: Thank you, you have really lightened the burden.And made clear all the teachings received up to now.Ramesh: It is God’s will that the concept appeals to youand gratitude arises. Let me tell you one thing, Sandra,What has happened by listening to my concepts? Sandrahas been receiving a fresh conditioning. This additionalconditioning may change your attitude toward life. WhatSandra has received in these two days, listening to myconcepts, is a new conditioning, which could change oramend Sandra’s existing and past conditioning, but if thepast conditioning is to be amended by this newconditioning, it is only a happening willed by God orCosmic Law.”

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For years I had been conditioned to believe thatwhatever I wanted in life I had to work hard for it, and inthe spiritual arena, that realization could only happenthrough personal effort, discipline, practice of yoga,meditation and constant sadhana. What a relief reading,hearing and perceiving that any effort by a “me” couldwell be counterproductive! The blinding truth of theteaching poured into my heart without doubts or questionsarising from the mind, and I felt a joyful relief andgratefulness to the Source for this understanding.

Sheer joy created an opportunity to go again toArunachala and sit quietly in Ramana’s Ashram. It wasAugust and as hot as hell. On the warm stones of the sacredmountain, I would sit with four books at hand, one ofRamesh, one of Nisargadatta, one by Wei Wu Wei and oneof Ramana. I had included also Wei Wu Wei as Ramesh’sbook THE ULIMATE UNDERSTANDING, was linking hisown understanding also to Wei Wu Wei. The four bookswould be all open on my knees. Please don’t laugh at thepicture, but this is how it really happened. I was smilingto myself and could see Ramana’s twinkling eyeseverywhere. One morning, when I came out of the roomwhere Ramana usually gave His satsangs, at a certainpoint I felt like a hand wanting to push me into that famousopen well near the samadhi shrine. No one had touchedme. From the tickling I felt in the heart, I knew it mayhave appeared so hilariously funny that Ramana’s energyor Shiva from inside Arunachala, the Self, jokingly wantedto drawn me and my four books in the open well, as thereading had to end. I myself was feeling like the tomatosalad between the spiritual ‘Club-Sandwich’ of 4 layers ofSages’ bread. But I wanted to finish the job of linking itall. The comparing ended in only 3 days.

I honestly could not find the principle of no mind inRamana’s teachings, and many terms I had to understandand convert to more suitable ones, like surrender beingso subtle, I turned into total acceptance and all madesense at last.

witnessing of how the so-called seeking had started by aHigher Force and how amazingly It was erasing theconfusion by discarding all the previous steps, yetaccepting them gratefully as steps to the unfolding ofTruth. None had been my choice and none was a mistake,none was the result of striving: happenings opening doorsto wider spaces. Something “outside of myself,” and notme as an interested seeker, a reader of too many books,the one who practiced sadhana awaiting for some rewardsthat never happened to fill up the cup. ‘Carrots for thedonkey’ were the tiny flashes that happened whenever Iwas not seeking or stressing my body to practice mudras.Clarity had dawned and I did not care to label it as this orthat. I was simply out of confusion and this gave me greatpeace: becoming enlightened had never been my worry,yet I knew the terms ‘becoming’ and ‘attaining’ had to beerased completely and this understanding, removing anenormous load of responsibility, simply relaxed all worriesand tensions and happiness found the door open.

I re-read with great interest Consciousness Speaks andunderlined: “As the very nature of the mind is movement,any effort to control the mind itself leads to frustration andthereby the strengthening of the ego. Self enquiry mustnecessarily begin with the “me” and the mind-intellect, butin such an enquiry the intellect unwittingly lays a trap,conceals it with a lot of concepts, builds an elephant pit, andthen falls in it itself! The quantum leap out of this conceptualelephant pit, cannot result from any effort, it can only happenwhen the “me” gets annihilated. Further, spontaneity andnaturalness cannot be “achieved” either by trying or tryingnot to try! Effort - or an effort not to make an effortis basedon desire or volition, which is an aspect of the “me-concept”or the ego. Spontaneity is the absence of the mind.”

I compared the teaching of Nisargadatta Maharaj wherehe says that understanding is all that is needed and nopart of the activity could be considered volitional effort.The understanding, the unshakable conviction of one’strue nature itself was all that mattered for thetransformation to take place, and even any effort toremember the understanding is an obstruction.”


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Chinese philosophy calls all effort to realize the Tao as“putting legs on a snake” because “everything is Tao’.

It was thanks to comparing Ramesh’s teaching, and Iquote: “The real difficulty is this conceived operation ofthe destruction of the “me” as a positive effort is that the“me” cannot be destroyed as long as its duration is notdestroyed. All thought is spontaneous and any effort atcontrolling thought would only make matters worse” andI found the confirmation I needed about the teaching, indifferent terms, by Nisargadatta: “We are to realize the oneMover behind all that moves and leave all to Him. Totalacceptance is the shortest way to reality. “Stand withoutdesire and fear, relinquishing all control andresponsibility. This is divine madness. You are addictedto doership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing elseto give up. Stop your habit of looking for results andfreedom will be yours. You are always seeking pleasure,avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. Theending of this pattern is the end of the self. The ending ofthe self with its desires and fears enables you to return toyour real nature, the source of all happiness and peace.Don’t you see that it is your search for happiness thatmakes you feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferentto pain and pleasure, neither asking nor refusing, giveall your attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelesslypresent.”

It was from Wei Wu Wei’s short quotes that I could reallyroll with laughter at my dramatic long term confusion:Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless attempt

to traverse a window-pane,while the other half of the window is wide open?

There was no brooding and no confusion. Only awe.Silence.

The jigsaw puzzle was over.I packed the books saying, “Ok, now it has to happen

by the grace of God. No more reading no more worryingthat I am choosing between effort or non effort. Clarity isthere. Thanks for the rest. If it is given, good. If it does not

From Ramana’s talks I underlined that once there wastotal acceptance – surrender, there would be no one toask questions to and nothing to think of. The way to do itwas by holding on to the root thought ‘I’, if not oneeliminates either all thoughts surrendering oneselfunconditionally to a Higher Power. And these were theonly two ways for Realization. The control of prana whichis yoga, and the control of mind which is jnana these arethe two principal means for the destruction of mind. Youhave already quoted this from Ramana. The wise ones say:of the three grades of qualified aspirants, the highest reachthe goal by making the mind firm in the Self, through theprocess of determining the nature of the real, by Vedanticenquiry, and by looking upon one’s self and all things asof the nature of the real; the mediocre by making the mindstay in the heart and meditating for a long time on thereal, and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in agradual manner through breath-control, etc.”

I bowed to Arunachala confirming the teaching andsurrendered all my concepts.

Via Ramesh, Consciousness had pushed in the truemeaning of total acceptance: “Acceptance is more of ajnana process, and surrender is more of a bhakti process,and dispassion is another term for the same two processesand they really mean: living in the present moment withoutbeing attached to anything.”

It all seemed to add up that all we could ‘do’ was toconcentrate on the working mind, thus blocking theconceptualizing and worrying mind, called the ‘thinkingmind’ and all would happen by itself at the right momentif we were destined to enjoy, and with less nervous strain.In synthesis: all dualism is illusion, all action isspontaneous and all volition is an illusion.

Seeing the illusoriness of volition makes all actionautomatically spontaneous. It needs no effort through anydiscipline or practices or devices such as repeatedaffirmations of any formulas or words as what we are toperceive is already there. He also reminds us that the


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happen, I couldn’t care less. I’ll enjoy India with all hercolours, monkeys, beggars, stinky lanes with jumpingfrogs during monsoon, the Allah Akbar waking me up atfive am and stones which are too hot to walk barefoot underthe midday sun!

Be still.Do nothing.Be as you are.

“Simply remain present as you are. Fully accept whatoccurs as it occurs, just as it is presently occurring.Totally let go into your own being. Be fully centeredin the now-presence of your own being, prior to whatis occurring, and just let it occur. It’s all occurring inyour presence. It’s occurring through you, or fromyou as an expression of you, but not you as an‘individual’, rather you as the One Self.”

Ramana Maharshi

Complete clarity was dawning at last, yet soon anunexpected thunderstorm threw me into mental chaos andall “plans” were scattered. Had I not received the boon ofthe teaching to breathe knowing God is constantlybreathing from the crown chakra and the divine love thatsustains the atoms and cells of the body and mind, I donot think I could have gone through the fire God took methrough, to burn whatever remnants had to be burnt.

When the Lord of Life grants us His love and Grace weare to lose name, family and all we have, but we gain intotal peace as He has done His job to annihilate the ego.Sometimes thunderstorms are the only way, the onlymeans to push us and to settle us within the peacefulamniotic liquid of the Divine Womb.

A loving relationship with all my only best friends, God,Saints, Masters still warms and softens this beautifuladventure as God in a human form and, although not oftenin their presence, are all beacons of love and light inmy heart.

Part V

What Are We Talking About?

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The Sage lives in complete awareness of the fact thatthere is no individual doing anything, whether it bewriting, walking, talking or anything else. Thus, he maybe said to walk a thousand miles without setting footoutside of his house or speaking for forty years withoutsaying a word. In reality, the Ultimate Understanding isliving one’s life as a Sage. The Ultimate Understanding ofnon-doership - Self-realization - does not mean the totalannihilation of the ego. Ramesh explains that, “Thiscannot happen for the simple reason that the ego isnecessary even for the Sage to live the rest of his allottedspan of life. The Sage responds to his name being calledand functions as an individual entity in his chosen rolein life. But the ego of the Sage is without any sting becausethe sense of personal doership has been annihilated.”

In the words of Ramana Maharshi, “The ego of the Sageis like the “remnants of a burnt rope” - absolutely helpless

C H A P T E R 25

Sages

“Sentient beings are in essence buddhasIt is like water and ice. There is no ice without water;

There are no buddhas outside sentient beings.What a shame, sentient beings seek afar,

Not knowing what is at hand. It is like wailing from thirstIn the midst of water.”

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spoken of as belonging to four categories: Brahmavid, vara,variyan, and varishtha. But these distinctions are from thestandpoint of the others who look at them; in reality,however, there are no distinctions in release gainedthrough jnana.”

When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked what his outlookwas, this was his answer, “My present outlook is withoutlimitation, total freedom. Those who come here with theidea of improving their spiritual knowledge, come with adesire to seek while the seeker must disappear. It is notpossible for you to acquire knowledge, you are knowledge.You are what you are seeking. Your true being exists priorto the arising of any concept. Can you, as an object,understand something that existed prior to the arising ofa concept? In the absence of Consciousness is there anyproof of the existence of the existence of anything?Consciousness itself is mind, thought, all phenomena andall manifestation. Apprehending this is being dead to “Iam the body” while alive. This kind of knowledge comesonly in a rare case, and it is a very elusive kind ofknowledge where no effort is necessary; in fact, effort itselfis a hindrance. It is intuitive understanding

When asked how it was to live as a Sage, Ramesh S.Balsekar has specified: “At a biological level nothingchanges in a Sage. The ego must exist as long as a humanbeing is alive, so also a Sage has an ego as long as theSage lives. A Sage sees something and there is bound tobe a reaction of likes and dislikes yet, contrary to whathappens in most people, the ego of the Sage is notconcerned if anger arises. Anger is a biological reactionover which not even a Sage has any control. In the case ofa Sage there is the witnessing of the biological reactionand no involvement, as the final conditioning hastransformed the previous conditioning. At brain level thereis a biological reaction. Fear may arise, yet the Sage’s egowitnesses a reaction in the body mind organism and,contrary to any ordinary person, the Sage witnesses thebiological reaction happening and does not react, while,whenever an ordinary person feels angry, he may feel upsetfor having felt anger as he gets involved in the biological

and harmless. The realized Sage, the jivan-mukta, is thestage of knowing, while still in the body, that you are reallythe eternal non-dual self and knowing further that theself is never embodied, since the body is not ultimatelyreal, a reflection in a mirror where the world appears andexists, yet not real.”

All Sages stress that the so-called liberation arises fromknowledge, not from dropping the body. Knowledge aloneis the necessary and sufficient condition for liberationfrom bondage of ignorance. Although many Advaitins likeSankara, stress that meditation is a helpful support forattaining liberation, yet not all Sages agree as it is stillan action of a deluded individual believing himself thedoer and anchored in the dualistic realm of means andends.

Ramana Maharshi said, “I am not the body; I amBrahman, which is manifest as the Self. In me who am theplenary Reality, the world consisting of bodies etc., aremere appearance, like the blue of the sky. He who hasrealized the truth thus is a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long ashis mind has not been dissolved, there may arise somemisery for him because of his relation to objects on accountof prarabdha, which is karma that has begun to fructify,the result of which is the present body. So long as the rippleson the mind have not quietened down, the experience ofbliss cannot surface from within. The experience of Self ispossible only for a mind that has become subtle andunmoving as a result of prolonged meditation. He who isthus endowed with a mind that has become subtle, andwho has the experience of the Self is called a jivan-mukta.It is the state of jivan-mukti that is referred to as theattributeless Brahman and as the Turiya. When even thesubtle mind gets resolved, and experience of self ceases,and when one is immersed in the ocean of bliss and hasbecome one with it without any differentiated existence,one is called a videha-mukta. It is the state of videha-muktithat is referred to as the transcendent attributelessBrahman and as the transcendent Turiya. This is the finalgoal. Because of the grades in misery and happiness, thereleased ones, the jivan-muktas and videha-muktas, may be

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comfortable with himself and with others. Peace is alwaysthere, but it is this load, which obstructs the apperceptionof the presence of peace.

“As whenever a Sage is called by name, he responds tohis name being called. This means that also a Sage isidentified with a particular body and name as a separateentity. An ordinary man also responds to his name beingcalled, yet the difference lies in the fact that, while theordinary man believes everyone is a doer of his or heraction and is therefore responsible for it, the Sage isconvinced that no one does anything. All actions aredivine happenings. There is no need to fear a jnani. Hesees exactly as you see. If there are ten different people hesees them as ten different forms and shapes. But what heknows is that in those ten different shapes what functionsis the same Consciousness. The differences are seen asdifferences, but what is seen at the same time is the unityin diversity. Suppose that you have ten differentphotographs of yourself taken in ten different costumes,including a woman’s dress. For anybody who sees themthey’ll see ten different people, not only ten differentcostumes, but ten different people. But, you’ll know it isthe same person. So what the jnani knows is that all theseappearances are different, but what functions in thoseappearances is the same Unity - which the ordinary persondoesn’t know. Basically, apart from this witnessing andnon-witnessing, the underlying fact that I have noticedwith enlightenment is that there are no expectationsand no wants, which creates a sense of peace - waitingfor whatever is to happen to happen. That does not meanthoughts of expectations don’t arise. They arise. Thecurious part of it is that many of them do get satisfied.Whenever such a thing happens, a tremendous surge ofgratitude arises.”

SAGES’ CHARACTERISTICS

Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, and Yoga literature isreplete with the description of the changes thatspontaneously occur by consequence of the total

reaction. Whenever compassion arises in the Sage thereis no ostentation, no pride. The biological reaction of angeris merely witnessed by the ego of the Sage, as somethingseparate from his reality. Having totally accepted that theSource is the only doer, the Sage is constantly at peace,but equally, he is just like any ordinary person, a body-mind-computer programmed by Source registered asdestiny in his genes. Therefore, the genes in a Sage maybring about an action, which could even be condemnedby the society or even by the law of the Country. So, theSage’s actions may result in some recognition from society,but also condemnation, yet the Sage is not involved inthe results, as he knows he is not the doer: sometimesthere may arise a sense of pleasure, a sense of regret, butnever pride and arrogance, guilt and shame. The Sagedoes not even react if an action of his is condemned. TheSage accepts it with a sense of regret, but as it hashappened, the Sage has to accept the result of thatcondemned action.

“Whenever an action of some other body-mindmechanism happens to hurt me, it may cause somephysical, psychological or financial unbalance, but havingtotally accepted that there are no individual doers, I neverfeel either hatred or malice. No power on earth can hurtme and I have no fear, nor do I ever feel either jealousy orenvy for something, which God has created and allottedto others. Whatever happens in life is accepted: sometimespain and sometimes pleasure, but the Sage bears no loadof pride and arrogance, guilt and shame, hatred and maliceor jealousy and envy. On the other hand, whenever onethinks it is his/her doing, success means pride andarrogance, failure means guilt, shame, resentment. Butwhen has happened the total acceptance and deepunderstanding that your doing was not really your doing,but only a happening, success means a simple arising ofpleasure, where there is no shadow of pride nor arrogance;failure merely means an arising of a sense of regret, butno frustration, guilt or shame. Therefore, instead of fightingagainst the flow of life, the Sage can smoothly follow theflow of life with no stress and no anxiety; totally

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• All acts being aesthetic and refined – such a person’swalk is a dance and the normal gesticulation is adivine mudra that attracts all

• Not identifying with body states; not being mentallyaffected by the presence of disease which is understoodas a mere chemical reaction in the body’s test tube

• Carefully concealing one’s spiritual attainments• Ability to know the minds of others but not exhibiting

that ability – only using it to help others.

When powers over nature, siddhis, present themselves,the true Sage ignores them, and renounces them.

understanding. These are just some of the symptoms ofgradual enlightenment, not an exhaustive list but ademonstrative one. As to full enlightenment: think of anylimits and finites there are in your being, once they havedropped, you will know what enlightenment is.

Some of these are:• Seeking no return for one’s selfless acts• Feeling there is no need to defend oneself• Having no fears• No differentiation between one form of life or another• Awareness of the totality of consciousness in the entire

universe simultaneously• Easy access to knowledge -mastery over the three states

of consciousness – wakefulness, dream and sleep -mastery over desires.

• Sense experiences being viewed as doorways to inwardperception – all sensations on the body surfacebecoming pathways to enter the inward consciousness

• Absolute compassion -non-violence - inability tobecome angry -Sensitivity to what is causing someoneto become frustrated

• Total annihilation of ego,= utmost humility• Never becoming agitated = a peaceful presence

radiating and pacifying those who come in contact –mildness

• Forgetting instantly whatever benevolence one hasconferred

• Total concentration and absorption resulting inequanimity

• Ability to remain on both shores simultaneously – fullymerged while acting in the world and ability to guideone or a million persons all over the world, as onetranscends the boundaries of space and time. Masteryover the forces of time – and even choosing the time ofone’s apparent so-called death, and leaving the bodyconsciously

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his ego becomes more aware of the Presence ofConsciousness within, and gradually an innertransformation takes place. When understanding rises tothis level, there is a release of pressure generated by hisown ego and a sense of freedom appears on the surface ofConsciousness. Yet he wants to convince the whole worldto see the world in the same way as he does. He has thedesire to teach others, telling them what to do and how tochange. He still hasn’t realized that no matter howilluminated he is, he cannot pass his experiences to othersnor can he change anyone, as real change can only comefrom within each person.

In the final awakening stage, the Sage has realized thateverything that he sees depends on Consciousness, thepure impersonal level of Consciousness that permeateseveryone and everything. The Sage has realized andaccepted totally that as an ego he cannot perceiveanything, as everything he becomes aware of is perceivedand created by Consciousness, and that all he may perceivearound him, is perceived not by his thinking self - theego, because the true perceiver in him is ImpersonalConsciousness Itself, since the Creator of manifestationand the Created manifestation are both the same.Impersonal Consciousness is the creator andConsciousness is the perceiver. This level of awakeningis what is sometimes referred to as enlightenment.

Sages tell us that awakening means the sudden,instantaneous, intuitive and therefore subjectiveperception that the subject-object relationship is totallythe mere fruit of imagination, and that in reality, subjectand object do not exist except as illusions, interpreted ina dualistic approach and, like any product of the mind,they are based on concepts that can change. All Sagesrecognize this and also agree in saying that in reality thereis neither a perceiver nor a perception – there is only theact of perceiving, which is the subjective aspect ofConsciousness, called sometimes Unicity, pureConsciousness.

“The Practical Advaita and the Theoretical Advaita arevery different. In the Theoretical Advaita, the Self is

Complete Enlightenment and Total Understanding ofReality is a rare phenomenon and a partial awakeningdoes not mean one is a Self-realized being. There are threebasic stages of inner expansion:• Awakening to Pure Awareness - the State of Presence

behind the mind.• Awakening to the Absolute State -unity with the

unmanifested.• Awakening of the Heart - expansion into the Divine.

In the first level of Consciousness it is the ego thatreplaces Consciousness and is under the illusion that itis the perceiver and therefore there is a subject observingthe world of manifestation. In this case, mountains andrivers are seen as separate realities. In the second level ofConsciousness the awakening process allows the ego torealize the whole world is just like a dream and unreal,

C H A P T E R 26

Stages of Consciousness

In order to be effective truth must penetratelike an arrow

and that is likely to hurt.


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to say that it is not possible to know what we are – we canonly BE. And used to define what we are as the absence of“presence-and-absence. Or in other words:1) The conceptual bondage arises only because each

human phenomenon assumes himself to be anindependent entity. As such he considers himself tobe an independent entity. As such he considers himselfsubject to the bonds of space-time as somethingtangible and extraneous to his own existence.

2) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in thesense that noumenality is immanent inphenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of itsown other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at thesame time, transcend phenomenality becausenoumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merelythe objective aspect of noumenality. It is theidentification of noumenality with each separatephenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out ofwhat is merely the operational element in aphenomenal object that produces the phantom of anautonomous individual, the ego, which considers itselfto be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenalfunctioning as such is quite impersonal, and theillusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its placebeing merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. Theimpersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure,and it is only when the experience is interpreted bythe pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencingthe experience in duration, that the experiencing losesits intemporal, impersonal element of functioning andassumes the duality of objectivisation as subject/object.

3) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite,imperceptible being. What we appear to be as aphenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptibleseparate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments inconsciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusoryentities absurdly expect to be able to transformourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent ofthe conditioning to which we have been subjected. How

the only reality, there is no Path and we are all alreadyawakened. But Practical Advaita knows that there is along way to go before the truth of these statements canbecome our living truth.”Ramesh stresses, “Awakening means that total

disappearance of all phenomenal problems, resulting in aperpetual feeling of total freedom from all worries. It is afeeling of lightness, of floating in the air, untouched bythe impurity and confusion of the split mind. It is as if thevery root of all the problems has been demolished, as ifHydra has been fatally pierced in the heart to prevent theheads from growing again and again.”

The hardest part of the evolution is the process ofeliminating concepts. It is quite a challenge and slipperyroute. Concepts pop up unwanted. Concepts are deeplyin-grooved, yet Sages of the calibre of Ramana Maharshi,Nisargadatta Maharaja and Ramesh Balsekar state thatintrospection and self-analysis are the life forces, whichmay allow the seeker to shift towards harmony and balancebecause it is in the very nature of Self-enquiry to do so.

From the height of his total understanding Rameshunderlines that, “As three dimensional objects ormechanisms, we only have the choice of consciouslyaligning ourselves with the flow of life, or remaining inignorance and resisting the natural order of the flow oflife. To choose the latter means to remain disconnectedfrom our own personal processes, our own Source, as wellas the flow of life.”

Nisargadatta’s explanation is simplicity itself, “Once yourealize that the world is your own projection, you are freeof it. You need not free yourself of a world that does notexist, except in your own imagination! Whatever the pictureis, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are notbound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you,that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginary to be real.See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear. Whatbegins and ends is mere appearance. The world can besaid to appear, but not to be. The appearance may last verylong on some scale of time, and very short on another, butultimately it comes to the same. Nisargadatta Maharaj used


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conviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any trace-element of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching.The total lack of any objective quality can only meanthe absence of the very concept of both presence andthe absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. Anon-objective relation to oneself naturally results ina non-objective relation to others, which meansceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient orinsentient, as objects. The result is the elimination ofthe misunderstanding known as ignorance, which ineffect means the realization of our true nature. It isonly when the phenomenal self is absent that thenoumenal “I” can be present.

Ramesh clarifies on the basis of his own experience,“The final stage of Self-enquiry is reached when aneffortless awareness “I am” prevails, though notcontinuously. Self-realization is when the effortlessawareness is constant, but the important point is that thisstate cannot be achieved for the simple reason that the“me” who is supposed to make the effort is on his way toannihilation. Self-realization or Enlightenment is nothingmore than the deepest possible understanding that thereis no individual doer of any action - neither you noranyone else. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts,nor the experiencer of an experience - they happen. WhenIT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head!The joke is, as Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, that allthere is, is Consciousness, therefore what Consciousnessis seeking as Its source is Itself. The search goes no tillthere is apperception that Consciousness is the I awarenessthat cannot be aware of Itself because awareness knowsno self of which it could be aware. How can ‘I’ be known?I cannot. How can ‘I’ be experienced? I cannot. Only Godcan be experienced because He is my concept, my object.But when conceptualizing is in abeyance – the mind isfasting – and time and space are also in abeyance togetherwith all the concepts, I AM all that you are as my “self”;how can I have any other? When the shadow of the ultimateobject has disappeared, leaving nothing sensoriallyperceptible to be found, what remains, is what I am (andwhat you are).”

can a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself?Only dis-identification with the supposed entity canbring the transformation.

4) It would seem that the mechanism of living is basedon the belief that everything happens in life is the resultof acts of volition by the concerned phenomenalobjects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be anincorrect belief because it can be clearly seen thathuman beings react to an outside stimulus rather thanact volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence ofreflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might beconsidered as acts of will or volition. Their way of lifeis very much conditioned by instinct, habit,propaganda and the latest “fashion”. Morefundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing morethan an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, afutile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apart frompsychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity toexercise volition. All there is, is the impersonalfunctioning and the inexorable chain of causation. Inthe absence of an entity – redundant in the absence ofvolition-, who is there to exercise the illusory volitionand who is there to experience the results of it? Who isthere to be liberated? The deepest possibleunderstanding of those basics of the Teaching leadsto spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is theexperiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, whichis noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads tothe immense awakening that this life is a great dream.Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense ofself-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but thenon-volitional witnessing of all that happens duringthe remainder of our allotted span? Such nonvolitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happenswithout judging – arises along with non-objectiverelation both to oneself and others. A non- objectiverelation to oneself occurs when there is no thought ofoneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic.To know what one is without the slightest need of anyexplanation from anyone, to have the deepest possible


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through us. Eventually it has been accepted it is not ouraction and the state of mind where nothing is desired, butall accepted will result in actions perfectly appropriate totime and place. These flowing, natural actions serve thepurpose of greater harmony and balance even in the caseof a sadhak steeped in non-action and stillness.

Ramesh punctually clarifies, “No one can getenlightenment. This is the very root of the teaching. Itmeans that it’s stupid for any so-called Master to askanyone to do anything to achieve or get enlightenment.The core of this simple statement means, according to myconcept, that enlightenment is the annihilation of the “one”who “wants” enlightenment. If there is enlightenment-which can only happen because it is the will of God-thenit means that the “one” who had earlier wantedenlightenment has been annihilated. So no “one” canachieve enlightenment, and therefore no “one” can enjoyenlightenment. If you think it is in your control, I suggestthat you go after a million dollars instead ofenlightenment, because if you get the million dollars thenthere will be someone to enjoy that million dollars. But ifyou go after enlightenment and enlightenment happens,there will be no “one” to enjoy enlightenment. The basicsplit of duality happens in Consciousness Itself, as a partof the process of perceiving the manifestation. For anymanifestation to exist, it has to be observed. For observingto happen an observed object and an observer object arerequired. This duality between the observer object and theobserved object is the basic split. In the human, the splitgoes even deeper into the dualism of “me” and the other.The observer object assumes the subjectivity of theAbsolute or Totality or God, saying, “I am the subject, therest of the world is my object.” The moment the “me” andthe other come into play, duality gets further subdividedinto dualism. The observer object considers himself theobserver subject, the experiencer, the doer.

“Enlightenment is merely the reverse process where thepseudo-subject realizes that there cannot be a separateentity and the body-mind can only function as aninstrument in the manifestation of Totality. When the

Strangely enough both Ramana Maharshi andNisargadatta Maharaj speak of witnessing their death:Nisargadatta Maharaj, during one of his usual talks withhis visitors, stressed that for the full realization of the Self,it was necessary to witness one’s own death. He said thatit had happened to him after he thought that he had fullyrealized the Self, and it wasn’t until after this deathexperience that he understood that this process wasnecessary for final liberation.

As a boy of seventeen, Ramana sat alone in a room inhis uncle’s house overcome by a powerful premonition ofdeath. There was nothing wrong with his health. He justsuddenly felt that he was going to die. Instead of trying toescape this primordial fear, instead of running for help orseeking some distraction, he simply lay down andexperienced the fear in all of its intensity and detail. Inhis own words, he describes this experience as follows.

“The shock of death made me at once introspective. Isaid to myself mentally, ‘Now death is coming. What doesit mean? What is it that dies? This body dies.’ As I said soto myself, symptoms of death followed, yet I remainedconscious of the inert bodily condition as well as of the ‘I’quite apart from it. On stretching the limbs they becamerigid, breath had stopped, and there was hardly anysymptom of life in the body.

‘Well, then,’ I said to myself, ‘This body is dead. It willbe carried off to the burning ground and reduced to ashes.But with the death of the body, am ‘I’ dead? This bodycannot be the ‘I’, for it now lies silent and inert, while Ifeel the full force of my personality, of the ‘I’ existing byitself—apart from the body. So, ‘I’ am the Spirit, a thingtranscending the body.’ All this was not a mereintellectual process. It flashed before me vividly as livingtruth, a matter of indubitable and direct experience, whichhas continued from that moment right up to this time.”

Non-Dual teachings bring us to impersonal witnessedaction, which implies that it is spontaneous, natural, andeffortless. As when the total and ultimate understandingis given by the Source, all action simply and freely flows


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“Maya tricks us with regard to our selves” Life itself isan ethereal substance in search of a vehicle of some kindto express its intangible and immaterial nature, and theinvisible.

Advaita, in Sanskrit, means “non-duality”; a state thatcan be ascribed to God or the Absolute alone. It is notaccessible to reason, for the ego-bound mind in thewaking condition cannot step out of the duality of thesubject-object relationship. The concept of non-dualityhas acquired meaning in the West through the latestdiscoveries of nuclear physics. Advaita-Vedànta,represents one of the three systems of thought in Vedântaand its most important representative is Shankara.Advaita-Vedànta teaches that the manifest creation andGod are identical. Similarly particle physicists havediscovered that matter consists of continually movingfields of energy, just as millennia ago the rishis, the Sages

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A Few Hints on Advaita

Everything cognized is just what is called ‘mind’,And what is called ‘mind’ is just the cognizing of everything.

sense of doership is lost, dualism is restored to its basicduality. Duality is an essential mechanism inphenomenality. Enlightenment is thus nothing but thereverse process from dualism to duality, the end of thesense of personal doership. There is the deepest possiblerealization that the individual human being is not aseparate entity, but merely an instrument through whichTotality or God functions. That is all it really means, atransformation from oneself as doer to an absence of thesense of doership.”

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The manner in which we perceive reality influences ourway of being in the world, our path of action. Further non-dualism views the universe and all of its manifestationsas operating according to a set of unchanging, naturallaws. As an inseparable part of Consciousness, humanbeings can gain knowledge of these laws and becomeattuned to them and aligning with these principlesprovides a universal perspective. Comprehending thesetruths allows one to live in harmony with Consciousnessand life becomes a full expression of that Consciousness.

According to Advaita, only the innermost part of us isaware or conscious. Nothing other than the Atman cando, feel, see or know anything, therefore the atman is theonly reality in all of us. By investigating the “Who am I” orthe opposite technique, “Who is the doer?” as well as oursurroundings; by remembering that we are part of aninterconnected whole, and by remaining still until actionis called forth, we can perform a valuable service in theworld. When we become aware, if only momentarily, of theoneness of everything then we will analyse who is theactual doer of any action and be able to discriminate onthe – who am I-. Eventually detachment will drop by itself,and actions will be spontaneous and effortless, allowingus to flow with life. As a natural consequence we willintuitively know that actions, which are not ego-motivated,but in response to the needs of the environment, leadtoward harmonious balance and give ultimate meaningand “purpose” to our lives. Such actions are attuned tothe deepest flow of life itself. What distinguishes Advaitafrom other interpretations of the Upanishads is that Advaitaasserts that since there is only one Brahman, there is onlyone Atman. There’s only one “me” and we all share it. -We are all one, all that exists is Brahman.

Ramesh stresses, “The comprehension of Truth cannotbe dualistic. There exists no apperceiver and no objectapperceived. There only exists ‘apperceiving’. Truth is thatwhich lies in a dimension beyond the reach of thought.Realization is a happening in Consciousness whereConsciousness arises out of It’s own will and where adeeper understanding happens which allows one to totally

of Vedânta, recognized that reality consists of energy inthe form of Consciousness and therfore Brahman is realizedto be one’s true self. This self is not tied to the body orintellect and is free from all limitation and sorrow. Suchknowledge rises through proper understanding and notby devotion or works.

Vivekananda used to say that Advaita is the onlyphilosophical system, which may give man completeunderstanding and freedom as it removes all dependenceon superstitions and ignorance. Advaita Vedanta is themost influential Hindu philosophy and as in all forms ofVedanta, it attempts to synthesize the teachings of theUpanishads into a single coherent doctrine, yet unlikeother forms of Vedanta, it teaches that there exists onlyConsciousness or the Source and everything else issimply illusory. Advaita Vedanta is closely associated withJñana Yoga, the yoga of knowledge.

The core of Advaita is that all life, all manifestation, ispart of an inseparable whole, an interconnected organicunity, which arises from a deep, mysterious, andessentially unexplainable Source, which is all that exists.Everything conceivable is contained within this principle.Western translators have compared this concept ofConsciousness to the idea of God, Universal Mind, orAbsolute Reality, but whatever the name it really makesno difference. Advaita Vedanta is also referred to as non-dualism, non-duality, monism, Mayavada, or the Sankaraphilosophy, but is generally abbreviated into “Advaita” or“Vedanta.”

This principle, which is the fundamental principle ofthe Upanishads on which Advaita is based, can beexpressed for a Western mind in terms of an equation:

Atman or Soul = Brahman or God = There is only oneawareness, Brahman and all the rest is Maya, illusions

Advaitic wisdom is organized around several keyprinciples and, like any philosophical outlook, presents away of seeing and understanding reality. The pathincludes both the way in which we perceive the worldaround us and also the way in which we interact with life.


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“So long as the body-mind continues, duality is stillthere. Whatever the body-mind does in duration, inspace-time, is in duality. What is absent inenlightenment is dualism, “me” as a separate entity and“you” as another separate entity. (CS 138)

There can be no manifestation unless it is observedthrough the body; there can be no observation unlessthere is the mind; there is no mind unless there isconsciousness in the body-mind organism; and wherecan the consciousness in the body-mind organism comefrom except from CONSCIOUSNESS, or the SOURCE?There is, therefore, no duality-only UNICITY.

“In fact, there has been neither creation nor destruction.Bondage lasts only as long as mind invests a perceivedobject with reality. Once that notion disappears, with itgoes the supposed bondage. Here, in this objectifiedcreation, only that which is thus objectified grows anddecays. It is in this conceptualization and objectificationthat the duality is conceived as the very basis of themanifestation. Duality is necessary so that manifestedobjects may be perceived and cognized in a framework ofspace and time in which the objects are extended. It isessential to bear in mind that while the manifestation thuscreated is of the nature of mere appearance or illusion, itis real enough in the sense that the manifestation is areflection in Consciousness. The shadow has no substanceor nature of its own, but without the substance the shadowcannot arise. Now a clever hypnotist can make 2,000people believe something, which is not there. So if aclever hypnotist can make 2,000 people believe thereis something solid where there is none, would it bedifficult for the Divine, through hypnosis, to make eachindividual body-mind organism think that the world isreal, solid?

The seeing of Truth cannotbe dualistic (a ‘thing’ seen).

It cannot be seen by a see-er, or via a see-er.There can

only be a seeing which itself is Truth.Wei Wu Wei

accept the non-doership of the ego. The ego will graduallyhave less strength. If you answer a child his basic questionson creation, “Who made me?” saying, “God has createdyou.” The child will immediately ask, “Then who madeGod?” This continues ad infinitum, because all oppositesand all complementaries are the distinctive feature of themechanism of duality in which the phenomenal universeappears. Knowledge is only the interrelated opposite ofignorance. And what we are is prior to both knowledgeand ignorance, which can only be concepts. The realproblem is that the total phenomenal universe is anappearance in Consciousness, without any independentsubstance to separate it from Consciousness.”

Advaita or non-dualistic teachings are practical andmay well be utilized as a guide to daily living. Their greatestvalue lies in clues directing us toward our own process ofself-exploration, growth, and transformation, connectingus to our deeper selves and to the world around us. Theteachings of the Sages provide us with excellent counselon how this state of harmonious understanding andconnectedness may happen.

Yet, to make us ponder even at deeper levels, Rameshstrikingly points out, “Ramana Maharshi, as the finaltruth, begins by saying there is no creation and nodissolution. So if there is no creation, “who” can askany questions? If it is accepted that there is no creation,then the creation that is seen is illusory. The basic pointis this: Unicity-the Source (non-duality) - is really aconcept. Manifestation – duality, - also a concept, iswhat we live in. Thus all questions will be in duality.For example, you go out into the sun. There is a shadow.Is the shadow real or unreal? The answer is the shadowis real in certain circumstances and unreal in othercircumstances. When you go out into the sun, theshadow is very much real-you can see it. But when youcome inside, when you are home, there is no shadow.Likewise, when you are in duality you exist. But whenyou are not in duality-when you are in deep sleep-thereis no you. So, you exist in the waking state, in duality,and you do not exist in deep sleep.


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as it challenges some of our most basic assumptions aboutwho we are as human beings, and about our role in theworld. From a psychological point of view, accepting thefact that we do not exercise any volitional control oversituations in our lives, is a shock. At first we may resist asit must shatter all the beliefs we hold so dear, like the powerof the mind or that we are the doer etc. Yet, the teachingsof realized Sages such as Ramana Maharshi, NisargadattaMaharaj and Ramesh S. Balsekar may furnish us withspecific practical guidelines to allow a peaceful state ofharmony in daily living to surface from deep within. Withthe total understanding of these basic principles, andapplying them to daily living, we may consciously becometranquility itself, and experience a total re-birth.

Most of us who have undergone any spiritual trainingbased on personal effort and ‘achieving’ may at first feeleither cheated by prior teachings or aghast and perplexed.Ramesh turns around the issue, but reaffirms, “The nonfinding of the answer to the question ‘what am I’ is itselfthe finding, because if this not finding leads to theabandoning of the conceptual search and to theapperception of what non-conceptually I am. Suchabandonment would include not only the search but, farmore significantly, abandoning the conceptual seekerhimself! What the finding would amount to is:phenomenally speaking, we can be said to be the conceptconceived - the seeker - and that which is conceptualizing- the sought – the seeker being the sought, and vice versa,in other words, ‘conceptuality’; noumenally speaking, webeing ‘upstream’ of conceptualization’ and thus not ableto conceive or to be conceived, in other words, ‘nonconceptuality.’ Therefore non -conceptuality cannot begrasped conceptually. Phenomenally what we appear tobe – is conceptual, whereas what we are is non-conceptuality itself, thus clearly unknowableconceptuality i.e. within the apparent limits of space-time.What we are - non-conceptually - therefore mustnecessarily be ‘the not-knowing of knowing’, the infiniteand intemporal, neither any thing nor nothing. Practically,what we appear to be can never cognize what we are

Nowadays our lives have become so nerve-racking andmultifaceted, as we constantly have to deal withinnumerable tasks, responsibilities, and crises onpersonal, local and global levels, that we naturally seekthat which will restore us to a more balanced, harmonious,and satisfying way of living. Investigating Truth is the onlytrue tool to lasting harmony and balance.

The concept of non-doership and non-dualism may atfirst appear totally in opposition to some of our mostcherished cultural values. The idea of life having nopurpose except to experience the flow of Consciousnessmay be difficult for people to accept who are attached tothe belief that they are making their own decisions.Particularly in the context of modern day living this Truthmay appear unthinkable, even frightening, certainly anti-social and perhaps a little pathological. To allow oneselfto “wander through life without purpose” can be upsetting,

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The Keys

Humility, metaphysically, implies the absenceof any entity to be either ‘proud’ or ‘humble’.

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inertia, laziness, or mere passivity, rather the experienceof swimming with the current. The contemporaryexpression, “going with the flow,” is a direct expression ofthis fundamental non-doership principle, which in its mostbasic form, refers to behavior occurring in response to theflow of life.

The essential changes result in an organic type of lifeas an interconnected whole, which undergoes constanttransformation. Deepening the personal investigation wesoon also recognize the reverse of the same medal: andwe will wonder at who we really are if we are not the doersseparate from the Source. Detachment is a state, and nota sum total of achieved indifferences and we ourselvesare not an illusory part of Reality; rather we as RealityItself illusorily conceived. Reality alone exists - and thatwe are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the OneMind, which is our mind without the ‘our’. As aconsequence we apperceive that past and future are aduality of which the present is the reality. The “now-moment” alone is eternal and real and spontaneity is beingpresent in the present. Spontaneity by-passes theprocesses of the conceptual aspect of the mind and withthis new approach, a total reintegration with Nature willhappen, because nature is what we are.

On the very same lines these words from NisargadattaMaharaj should make us ponder, “That which you are,your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do foryour own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it isyour basic urge. Since time immemorial you lovedyourself, but not wisely. Use your body and mind wiselyin the service of the self, that is all. Be true to your ownself, love your self absolutely. Do not pretend that you loveothers as yourself. Unless you have realized them as onewith yourself, you cannot love them. Don’t pretend to bewhat you are not; don’t refuse to be what you are. Yourlove of others is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause.Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. When youknow beyond all doubting that the same life flows throughall that is, and you are that life, you will love all naturallyand spontaneously. When you realize the depth and

because what we are is what cognizes. What we are cannotbe comprehended because there is no subject other thanwhat we are. If what we are is to be comprehended as anobject, there would have to be another subject tocomprehend it.”

The principle of non-dualism and non-doershipcontains certain implications and produces psychologicaldeep-rooted re-conditionings. Foremost among these isthe need to consciously experience we are part of theSource and that the Source is functioning through us bypracticing some simple self-enquiry. Many suggest beingquiet and in stillness or concentrated. Ramesh simplyadvises to be silent and comfortable and to enquire if wereally were the doers of any action during the day. Theself-analysis or introspection is the tool where, withdiscrimination and enquiry into the nature of the self andinto non-doership, we may go deeper and deeperdiscarding all false concepts, enjoying the puzzle of themisconception. My experience was the deepest releasefrom all tensions and frustrations. Yet the finalunderstanding may drop in if it is God’s will and notbecause of our punctuality in the practice. The practice isa mere aid in preparing the field for the happening, whichwill also teach us to rely and trust God more than ourlogical mind. This being in itself a great panacea, when itis totally accepted through our personal investigation thatthe Source is the sole doer, our direct connection to theSource will give us strength and tranquility which arealready great boons in daily living as our approach to lifewill turn 180 degrees. Total acceptance may happen themore we trust the charioteer of our life. The understandingis our own experience and not anybody else’s, as we mayrealize by our own enquiry that we never were the doersas the ‘me’ wished us to think; therefore whatever happensis accepted totally and we end up in feeling comfortablewith ourselves and with others.

So, the key to lasting joy of peace in daily living is offeredby the actor-less action. Non-doership is devoid of anysense of separateness. The actor-less action isspontaneous and effortless, yet it is not to be considered

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are only divine happenings. That is the conclusion youarrive at from your own experience. Then what was oncean intellectual concept becomes the personal truth fromyour own investigation. Find out what happens from yourpersonal experience, not because of a concept. From yourown personal experience find out whether what you thinkis “your” action is really someone’s action. Or is it merelythe reaction of the brain to an input over which you haveno control, according to the programming over which youhave had no control?

If one follows the pointers from Ramana Maharshi, SriNisargadatta Maharaj, Ramesh Balsekar, of practicing asimple self-investigation, the practice will bring to theeffortless acceptance of non-doership, the non-action ofthe individual, and nothing remains a mystery any longer,all gets interconnected. This means trusting our ownbodies, our thoughts and emotions as Consciousnesswilled, and also believing that Consciousness, as all thereis, will provide support and guidance for whatever wasplanned by Consciousness acting through us. Vigilance,tranquility, and quietness of mind will find all doors opento settle in.

According to Advaita the real you is the part that isaware, not anything that you’re aware of. Enquiry anddiscrimination are the main components of the traditionalmethod of Jñana Yoga. By practicing self-investigation,we will happen to discover that everything we currentlyregard as ‘I’ is merely part of our mind and this particular‘I’ is the ‘me’ of the ego, which is not the one who is aware.The awareness in us is not part of the mind, or of anycomponent of the three dimensional object this body reallyis, and therefore, no matter how hard we try, we cannotfocus our attention on the part that is aware. If we could,it would become something of which we are aware.

Ramana suggested Self-inquiry. “By Self-enquiry,holding onto the inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all otherthoughts and that to maintain one’s attention on this innerfeeling of ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Whoam I?’ or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantlyreminded the seekers that if they succeeded in remaining

fullness of your love for yourself, you know that every livingbeing and the entire universe are included in youraffection. But when you look at any thing as separate fromyou, you cannot love it for you are afraid of it. Alienationcauses fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a viciouscircle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for itresolutely.”

To allow Consciousness to manifest in our lives mayseem like an overwhelming task. And yet, if we pause toenquire and reflect on our past experiences, we may recallmany instances when our actions were spontaneous andnatural, when they arose out of a thought that happenedand acceptance was integrated in our acceptance of whatwas.

Ramesh gives a simple technique to those who stillbelieve something is needed, “At the end of the day makeyourself comfortable, and try this very simple investigation:among the many events of the day. Choose one singleaction that you would challenge anybody to prove it is notyour action. Ask yourself, “Did I decide to do this?” If yougo deeper and deeper in the analysis, you will recollectyou had a thought, and that you never had any controlover that thought that crept in the mind. Then you willsee that if the thought had not happened, there would nothave been any action. If you still go deeper, withoutexception, you will discover that if you had not been in acertain place at certain time, and if you had not heard,seen or felt something, you would not have ‘done’ theaction you were so sure you had carried out. Thehappening of being in a certain place and the happeningof seeing or hearing something, happened, and producedthe action you were so sure was YOUR ACTION, while younever had any control over it. Then, out of your owninvestigation, a flash of total acceptance is likely tohappen. When this flash of total understanding happensthere will be no more doubts, but it may happen only you’reyour personal investigation of those actions you reallythought could not possibly be NOT-YOUR-ACTIONS. At theend of repeated investigations, you will you come to theconclusion that no one does any action; that all actions

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You are the one who has to dive deep and fly above theclouds of confusion. No one can do this for you. Masters,Seers, Saints, Gurus may point the way, but you are theone who has to have the interest and the willingness tofight the devil of confusion and finish the game. The so-called enlightenment or dawning of constant peace cannotbe sought from someone else, others can only point us inthe right direction.

Sadly this search for spiritual insights from others, maysometimes lead to further spiritual confusion. Ramana wasasked about the necessity of a teacher and he answered,“If they can help in the quest of the Self. But can they help?Can religion, which teaches you to look outside yourself,which promises a heaven and a reward outside yourself,can this help you? It is only by diving deep into the SpiritualHeart that one can find the Self.”

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Confusion

The day that you GET IT there will be no one there to say, “I’ve got it!” Which is just as well since there will be no one there to hear it.

centered on this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all otherthoughts, the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into theHeart-centre, which is a different term for the Source.

Ramana clarifies that the practice of self-attention orawareness of the “I” thought is a gentle technique that by-passes the usual repressive methods of controlling themind. It is not an exercise of concentration, nor does itaim at suppressing thoughts. It merely invokes awarenessof the Source from which the mind springs. The methodand goal of self-enquiry is to abide in the Source of themind and to be aware of what one really is by withdrawingattention and interest from what one is not.”

If we practice for a long period Ramana Maharshi’s orRamesh Balsekar’s method of self-enquiry – vichara.,eventually we will become convinced that our ordinarysense of ‘I’-our ego- is not who we truly are. Eventually wewill realize it’s an illusion. Self-enquiry also involves asecond question, “To whom does this thought arise?” AndRamana would invariably answer, “Know the doubter. Ifthe doubter is held, the doubts will not arise. When thedoubter ceases to exist, there will be no doubts arising.From where will they arise? All are jnanis, jivan-muktas,but nobody is aware of it. Doubts must be uprooted andthis entails that the doubter must be uprooted. Wheneverthe mind goes astray and your concentration is interruptedby a thought, during meditation or Self analysis, askyourself, ‘To whom does this thought arise?’ because theanswer causes the attention to return to the feeling of ‘I’where it belongs.

And the Tao approach expounded by Wei Wu Wei infew lines offers a deep insight:

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it.Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only

phenomenally a freedom.‘Living free’ is being ‘as one is’.

Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it?It is not even a ‘doing’: it is beyond doing and not-doing.

It is being as-we-are.

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outside, if any such distinction could be made betweeninside and outside. Concepts trigger us all the time, butas Ramana Maharshi stresses, “Affective fixation on thepersonality of a teacher or Guru, may become a seriousobstacle to ‘liberation’ as often the Guru himself risksbecoming the target.” The Chinese Masters went to theextreme of teaching their monks to kill the Buddha if bychance they met him.

The intellectual understanding that our ‘selves’ do notexist is difficult and few wish even to try to understandbeing only interested in worldly pursuits. Doctrines,scriptures, sutras, and essays are initially the best pointers,yet even these concepts only help the understanding tohappen. They should be a source of stimulation, nothingmore, as if adopted, they may end up by being a hindrancefor the ultimate understanding to happen.

Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, “Surrender to yourown self of which everything is an expression. Beware ofall that makes you dependant. Most of the so-called‘surrenders to the Guru’ end in disappointment, if not intragedy. Fortunately an earnest seeker will disentanglehimself in time, the wiser for the experience.”

Ramesh goes into details, “Maharaj used to emphasizethat the individual really does not exist as an independententity and therefore, when he was talking to a disciple, itwas Consciousness talking to Consciousness – and notone individual to another – and that unless this fact wasclearly understood and constantly kept in mind, nothingworthwhile would emerge from the talks. Maharaj did notdeny that in the beginning the Guru could be regardedby the disciple, as the embodiment of Truth in the form ofa human being who had known and experienced Reality,and therefore apt to remove the disciples doubts anddifficulties, and that in the process the disciple was boundto develop a personal feeling of love and respect towardsthe Guru. The point that Maharaj conveyed andemphasized was that the disciple should not allow thatlove and reverence for the person of the Guru to becomean impediment to the clear understanding that the Guruis not an individual, that the Guru himself, being

Nowadays there is a customary belief and commondemand to ‘attain’ from teachers the understanding. Trueteachers may push you to the door from where the quantumleap may happen, but they cannot jump for you. It cannothappen through someone else. This renders it needful tostress that not even the best of Gurus can bestow finaland lasting realization. Many are not even capable of givingyou a glimpse. And even when the disciple has the bestGuru, it is the disciple who has to investigate and the Gurucannot do that for him. There surely are sincere teachers,but they can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

Keeping in mind that the Saint is a man who disciplineshis ego, while the Sage is a man who rids himself of hisego, the seeking has to proceed towards the programmedgoal that your destiny set out for you. It is alreadypredetermined and you have no choice. The seekinghappens, and a Guru appears. Many feel so blessed, asthey feel the Guru has called him, yet this stage and Guru-disciple relationship has to be analyzed deeply. Rameshunderlines, “God predetermines all the details andprompts all thoughts, how can the happening of meeting aGuru be a call from a physical Guru? The Guru, as withanything that happens, is planned by God’s will or CosmicLaw, and not by any miraculous powers of the individualbody-mind organism. Nor is it the Guru himself (findingand calling) the disciple. It is all a play of Consciousness,so that Consciousness may free Its reflection from theclaws of ignorance, because the atma feels theconstrictions of the limited body and wishes to return freeto the Source. Consciousness creates links, attractionsand rejections even in this sacred relationship. To followand be grateful to the realized teacher, as the agent ofConsciousness, feeling devotion only to God, is the correctway. Gratefulness may arise when peace and joy ishappening, that is all. There are only pointers to deepenthe understanding about ‘enlightenment,’ as it cannotbe taught.

The understanding alone that there is no individual-doer, but only Consciousness in manifestation will alsobring the firm belief that the Sadguru is inside and not

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When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked if one could havemore than one Guru he stressed, “There is only oneSadguru and that is the Consciousness that every sentientbeing has on his own, the knowledge ‘I AM’, the sense ofbeing alive and present. Subject to this Sadguru, it ispossible and even sometimes necessary to have more thanone Guru according one’s circumstances, spiritualdevelopment and inherent tendencies. Yet the importantpoint to remember is that from the point of view of the Guru,there are no disciples as such, as there is no one outsidehimself. It is only from the point of view of the seeker thatthere is a Guru.”

Ramesh has a great sense of humour and underlines,“The result of a teaching is either confusion or clarity.Every teacher is unique, producing either confusion orclarity. So if a teaching produces confusion, why doesit? The teacher certainly didn’t intend that you shouldbe confused. Yet the only reason a teacher happens tobe confused it is simply due to God’s will. Why? Becausethey should confuse others. And why does this happen?Because it is God’s will. Do you know why it is God’swill? There is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita which says:“There is only one seeker among thousands of people,and among those who seek hardly one knows me inprinciple.” So the thousands of seekers have got to beconfused. how can they be confused unless there areteachers who are confused? Even that is God’s will-thatis my point. Or the teacher may not be confused, butthe disciple isn’t ready. That is God’s will too. You can’tblame anybody for anything. That is why it is also saidin the Bhagavad Gita: “You can commit no sin nor canyou do a meritorious deed.”

A useful analysis is also discriminating and verifyinghow many of the disciplines or practices, recommendedas necessary, for the ‘attainment of realization’ are not inreality the qualities of the Sages’ state of mind erroneouslysuggested as means? There seem to be two kinds ofseekers: those who seek to make their ego holy, happy,unselfish or as Wei Wu Wei states -as though you couldmake a fish ‘unfish’-, and those who understand that all

identified with Reality, sees others also, including thedisciples, as pure Consciousness, and therefore, unlessthe disciple too is ready and prepared to see the falsenessof his own individuality, the relationship between Guruand disciple in relativity would not fructify into Reality.In this fructification the knowledge that perhaps was notunknown intellectually to the disciple, but was still hazyin its application, suddenly comes into sharp focus, andinto that sharp focal point merges the disciple’sindividuality.

“It is just as well that we have plunged ourselves rightinto the middle of the Guru disciple relationship, butbroadly speaking, questions will never cease if it is notconsidered from the view point of the functioning ofmanifestation as a whole. The individual is after all, onlya small part of the totality of manifestation and anythingviewed from his view point is necessarily a very limited“framework.’ And if you ask ‘What does the Guru actuallydo?’, the straightforward answer to this query would bethat the Guru, not being any individual, but pureConsciousness, actually does nothing other than merelywatching or witnessing the advice given to an individualphenomenon and that advice being received according tothe receptive capacity in each case. As NisargadattaMaharaj used to say,’ all I do is to present a mirror in whichto see your true Self. Thereafter what extent the seed ofthe Guru’s advice takes root, flowers and blossoms intoenlightenment would depend upon the working plan ofProvidence or the Source.

“It is necessary to go deeply into the question of what theGuru is actually supposed to do, because quite often theseeker goes to the Guru with the hope, the belief and theconviction that once he has been accepted by the Guru, it isthe responsibility of the Guru to provide him with liberationor awakening or enlightenment. This is entirely a wrongnotion. Such an expectation is likely to cause greatfrustration. Enlightenment is an event, a movement inConsciousness, which bridges the relative manifest with theAbsolute Unmanifest, which by its very nature signals thetotal dissolution of the very entity that wished to enjoy it.”

Confusion

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Ramesh clarifies all misunderstandings about what theego is, “The ego is Divine hypnosis. Where did the ego comefrom? All Masters stress the ego is the problem. All youhave to do is simply give up “your” ego, but nobody tellsyou how to give up “your” ego. “You” are the ego! The “me”is the ego, and the ego is not going to commit suicide.‘The ego could only have come from the same Source fromwhich everything has come. The physical manifestationhas come from the Source. The fictional “me” has comefrom the Source. While ‘seekers’ are told by most Mastersthat they should fight the ego, my concept is to accept itand not to fight it, just as “we” have not created the ego“we” cannot destroy it. The Source has created the ego,and, in some cases, the Source is in the process ofdestroying the ego. If you keep on fighting the ego, thereis no way out.”

C H A P T E R 30

Who Created the Ego?

such attempts may well be mere play-acting, and that theonly useful self-analysis is to disidentify from the doer-actor role, by realizing its unreality, and by becomingaware of their eternal identity with pure being, as in realitywe only have to eliminate the ego-notion by succeedingin the difficult task of understanding that it does not existexcept as a notion. It is necessary to understand the ‘IAm’, in order that ‘I’ may know that ‘I Am Not’, So that, atlast, ‘I’ may realize that, ‘I Am Not’, therefore ‘I Am.’ In realitywe are not the ego, but we are possessed by the idea ofhaving one.

Ramesh points out, “He who rules men lives inconfusion. He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow. TheTao therefore desires neither to influence others nor to beinfluenced by them. The way to get clear of confusion andfree of sorrow is to live with Tao in the land of the greatvoid. If a man is crossing a river and an empty boat collideswith his own skiff, even though he be a bad-tempered man,he will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in theboat he will shout at him to steer clear. If the shout is notheard, he will shout again and yet again, and begincursing. Yet, if the boat were empty he would not beshouting and not angry. If you can empty your own boat,crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you. Noone will seek to harm you. He who can free himself fromachievement and from pain descends and is lost amid themasses of men. He will flow like Tao, unseen. He will goabout like life itself, with no name and no home. Simple ishe without destination. To all appearances he is a fool.His steps leave no trace. He has no power. He achievesnothing. He has no reputation. Since he judges no one,no one judges him. Such is the perfect man. His boat isempty.”

Wu Wei states,“There is no mystery whatever - only inability to

perceive the obvious.

To any conceptual problem there cannot be any valid answer except tosee the problem in perspective, as an empty thought, and that there is nosuch thing as a “problem” which is other than merely conceptual.

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takes its course with no involvement. The same happenswith fear. For example, there are two ordinary people. Feararises in the case of one, and fear does not arise in thecase of the other. Arising of the fear has nothing to do withthe ego, but the ego reacts to that fear. So ones says, “‘I’was afraid, ‘I’ get afraid. ‘I’ wish ‘I’ could be like my friendwho doesn’t become afraid.” So the involvement arisesbecause of not being able to accept the programming. Sothere is a basic reaction and also the reaction of the ego.In the case of the sage a basic reaction happens because itis a programmed reaction of the brain. But there is no ego,and therefore there is no involvement of the ego. There isno reaction to the basic reaction by the ego.”

Ramesh stresses, “The earliest conditioning is thefirmest conditioning and is the basis of the personality.But conditioning is happening all the time, every moment.Whatever you hear, whatever you see is part of theconditioning. And that conditioning can amend theearlier conditioning. That you must fight the ego is priorconditioning. Now I’m telling you-don’t fight the ego. It isuseless. The ego will not commit suicide. It is only thatPower which created the ego that can destroy the ego. Soaccept the ego and let it continue as long as it is destinedto continue. This is the conditioning that will alter theexisting conditioning of being told to fight your ego. WhenI refer to destiny, is it the destiny of the body-mindorganism and not the destiny of the ego, do not beconfused! The ego has nothing to do with destiny. The egodoes not have a destiny. It is the destiny of the body-mindorganism. The destiny is always of the body-mindorganism. The ego, frankly, doesn’t exist! So, what happensto the body-mind organism is the destiny of the body-mindorganism. Whatever happens in life to that body-mindorganism happens only to the body-mind organism - itdoes not happen to the ego. Yet the ego, because of theDivine hypnosis, thinks, “It is happening to me.”

Further Ramesh compares the body mind organism toa computer, daily repeating, “The thinking mind and theego are the same. Inherited tendencies are theprogramming. In some cases the programming is such that

Ramesh also advises to forget the teaching, letting itwork by itself as the one “who” wants to remember theteaching is the ego. So Ramesh poignantly stresses, “Whydoes the ego want to remember the teaching? Because theego wants to use that teaching to achieve something! Butif you forget the teaching, the teaching leading to theunderstanding will work by itself. If the teaching doesn’tlead to the understanding, then it’s not worth it. So eitherway, all you have to do is to forget the teaching! It’s eithereffective or not effective. Will the ego want to contribute toits own annihilation? No. The ego wants the teaching onlyto be able to use it, to achieve something-not for its ownannihilation. If the teaching is forgotten the ego isforgotten, and the teaching works by itself. Your effort isthe obstruction. That is why I say forget the teaching -don’ttry to use it. Let that understanding work at whatever level.The resistance is the ego, and the ego, I’m not joking, willnot easily give up.”

Ramesh subtly goes deeper and deeper erasing alldoubts and possible questions, “What is meant byinvolvement? It is the judging by the ego, the thinkingmind, which is the involvement. The working mind doesjust what it is programmed to do and accepts theconsequences. Ego is the cause of all reactions. Angerarises because the brain reacts to what is heard or seen.The brain produces the anger, not the ego. Where doesthe ego come in? The ego reacts to the reaction of the brain.That is involvement. In the sage the anger arises as areaction of the brain, but the sage witnesses it taking itscourse. The anger may result in an action. The sagewatches the anger arise and take its action. The sagedoesn’t say it was “I” who was angry and “I” did this act.The subsequent reaction to the basic reaction is the ego,represents the involvement. The original reaction is aphysical reaction of the brain. The subsequent reaction isthe ego. In the case of the ordinary person, he would say,“‘I’ was angry, ‘I’ shouldn’t be angry. My doctor has toldme not to be angry, so therefore ‘I’ must do something notto get angry. ‘I’ must find some way not to get angry. ‘I’must control myself.” This goes round and round andround. In the case of the sage anger arises and simply


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and envy. What does this entail? It entails freedom frominvolvement. It is the involvement, which causesunhappiness - a little bit of happiness, a lot of unhappiness.So, accepting what happens as something with which noone cannot be involved and over which no one has anycontrol at all, this is the freedom that whatever ishappening is beyond the control of anyone. Thereforewhatever is happening is just accepted as something, whichis supposed to happen- and not by the will of anyindividual. Freedom from involvement is freedom from thebondage of the ego. The ego is restricted. So the ego whothought earlier that ‘he’ was free to do whatever “he” likednow finds there is no one to do what anybody wants. Thisis the freedom from responsibility, freedom from the senseof personal doership, and freedom from guilt or pride. Thissame freedom is translated by the ego as the loss of “its”own personal free will. So really this freedom is itselffreedom from the ego, but the ego can’t feel this freedom.Ego feels “it” has lost the free will to do whatever it wantsto do-which “it” thought “it” had. This was the confusionyou felt - the freedom that arose from the loss of the senseof personal doership meant the loss of freedom for the ego.Does that make sense? Freedom from the sense of personaldoership means loss of freedom for the ego. And that is theconfusion, because there is still this identification of theego with this body-mind organism called so and so. Theego still remains and feels terribly restricted.

“Who” chooses? The ego chooses. But the ego chooseson what basis? My point is that the ego makes its “choice”on the programming it has received that is equal to theenvironmental conditioning over which the ego has nochoice. Now, the ego has a valid question: In living insociety I’m expected to make a choice-do I not make achoice? I say, “Of course you do.” But all I’m saying is thatthe choice you make, consider whether it is really “your”choice or does the choice happen? Ego is intellectual. Yourmind-intellect and the ego are the same. “Me,” the ego,and the mind-intellect are the same. They are variousnames for the same thing, which arises in the body-mindorganism and creates a feeling of separation, and that

there is great resistance to total understanding, and inother cases the programming is such that it is wide openand there is great receptivity. The brain is part of the inertbody-mind organism that cannot create anything. It canonly receive and react. The brain is a reacting agent, anapparatus. A thought comes, the brain reacts to thatthought, and that reaction is what Markus calls “his”action. A body-mind organism sees something or hearssomething, the brain reacts to it, and that reaction is whatit calls “his” action. But the body-mind organism has nocontrol over what will happen. it has no control over whatthought will arise. The body-mind organism has no controlover what he is going to see, or hear, or touch, or smell, ortaste, therefore it has no control over what thought willarise or what it will see. The brain simply reacts tosomething over which nobody has any control, and howdoes the brain react? According to the programming-genesplus conditioning. If you have a personal computer, youput in an input. What will be the output? Exactly accordingto the way it is programmed. What can a personal computerdo except bring out an output strictly according to theway it is programmed? And who puts in the input? Not thecomputer. You put in the input. So with the body-mindorganism, which is a programmed instrument or computer,God puts in an input. He makes you hear something, seesomething. He sends a thought. That is the input.

We have all realized by experience that involvement,so Ramesh clarifies, “Ask yourselves, “who” gets involved?The ego gets involved. The freedom is the freedom fromthe ego. And the ego is the sense of personal doership. Sothe freedom is ultimately the freedom from the sense ofpersonal doer-ship - both for this body-mind organism andother body-mind organisms. This is remarkable as far asyou are concerned. Others may not accept this, but as faras you’re concerned the freedom extends to everybody.No one has free will. All that happens is that actions happenthrough the billions of body--mind computers. So there isno need for anyone to feel guilty or proud or hate anybody.This is the freedom that is reflected in your understanding- freedom from guilt, freedom from pride, freedom from hate


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At all times there were good people doing what theythought they should do and not doing what they shouldnot do, practicing techniques and striving, yet in 99% ofthe cases, nothing happened. This high percentage of nothappening should make one ponder and arrive at theconclusion there exists a programming of the Source orCosmic Law also on spiritual evolution, whatever the effortor technique. Therefore Ramesh eventually concludes:“Would it not be simpler to witness the ‘Lila’ in all Itssplendour and diversity while continuing to do what onethinks one should do?”

When we discover that we cannot do anything, whichis contrary to God’s will, we will realize we are exactlywhere we should be as per our genes and Cosmic Law,and further still, no fixed rules can be set for allindividuals. Striving can help up to a certain point and atthe very beginning. In reality the sadhak that chooses the

C H A P T E R 31

Effort or No Effort?

Making strenuous attemptsmay give opposite results.

feeling of separation causes misery. In deep sleep thisfeeling of the mind-intellect does not exist. In deep sleepthere is no you nor your mind; therefore, there is no misery.

“The intellect, the ego, trying to grasp, to grab theteaching asks, “If I am not the doer, who is the doer? Thereis only doing-happening - no individual doer! Mind is theinstrument that perceives things. The eyes don’t see theworld. The mind sees the world through the eyes. The mindhears the world through the ears. The eyes and the earsare merely the mechanical part of it.”

People ask Ramesh if there is anything unique aboutwhat he is saying and he says, “What is unique about whatI am saying is that I begin with bhakti and end inunderstanding. What is bhakti? Thy will be done. The “me”says ‘You are all there is -Thy will be done.’ You can commitno sin nor can you do a meritorious deed. Your originalunderstanding is clouded by ignorance. That is why youthink in terms of sin and merit.” This is what Lord Krishnasays in the early part of the Gita and ends up: ‘Surrenderto Me and I will save you from all sins that you cannothelp think you are doing.’ But the joke is even thesurrendering is not in your control. Why? Because so longas there is an individual who says ‘I surrender’, there is asurrenderer - there is an individual ego. Why does LordKrishna say, ‘I’ll save you from sins,’ Because he knowsthat Arjuna’s understanding, which is based on theprogramming of that body-mind organism, prevents Arjunafrom understanding the Truth at the highest level. So LordKrishna comes down to Arjuna’s level: ‘At your level youthink that you are committing sins, then surrender to Meand I’ll save you.’ But what I’m saying is even thesurrendering is not in Arjuna’s hands. The understandingis: ‘I can commit no sin because I commit no action. I don’tdo any action, how can I commit a sin?” If thatunderstanding happens suddenly, if it is God’s will, thenthe rest of it is not relevant. But if the body-mind organismis not programmed for the sudden understanding tohappen, then Lord Krishna comes down to the lower andlower levels of the millions of Arjunas.”

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stall by tempting him with succulent grass and preventinghim from straying. The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance.Ask yourself ‘who works? What is destined to happen willhappen. If you are destined not to work, Work cannot behad even if you hunt for it; if you are destined to work,you will not be able to avoid it; you will be forced to engageyourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power; you cannotrenounce or retain as you choose. Enquiry is the onlything seekers can “do”, as once the mind had beenemptied of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is thepower of the Self, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into theHeart-centre and eventually destroys it, therefore theSource or God totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’.When realization happens, the mind and the individualself - both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought- are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Selfremains.”

Ramesh specifies further, “The true nature of Self-enquiry is not often clearly understood. The enquiry “whoor what am I?” really means an effortless effort to find thesource of the ego. This effortless effort leads to theapperception of Truth. Any other efforts made by a‘supposed entity’ can only lead to frustration. It is onlythe effortless effort, passive witnessing, along the path -pure understanding without a “me” as the comprehender- that can lead to the goalless goal, THAT which has alwaysbeen here and now. The question of individual volitionand personal effort is extremely subtle and difficult tounderstand. And yet it is absolutely necessary not onlyto understand it intellectually, but also to absorb it inour very being. Difficulties arise because most Mastersseem to have taught predestination in theory but free willin practice! Jesus affirmed that without the will of Godnot even a sparrow can fall, and that the very hairs onone’s head are numbered, and the Koran very definitelyaffirms that all knowledge and power are with God andthat He leads aright whom he wills and leads astray whomHe wills. And yet both Jesus and the Koran exhort men toright effort and condemn sin. The apparent contradictionwould easily be solved if one kept in mind the concept of

striving cannot chose not to strive as that was his programwilled by God, and all those who find happiness in doingwhat they really like, also are not choosing or exercisingvolition, as there is no such thing as volition, but the willof God for each speck of His.

Paraphernalia are of no use at all. So much talk aboutsomething we know nothing about is conceptualizationand it simply refers only to the mind. The best thing is bestill and in silence and we find out ourselves. Absolutesurrender to God, or the Universe, is the greatest-gracethe Source can give us. No fancy packages. Anyone whois selling ‘enlightenment’ for mass consumption is to beavoided...

All pointers seem to lead to a simple advice, “Just bean ordinary person and live an ordinary life. No methodor experience can bring you closer to yourself. Just be.”

About personal effort Ramesh emphatically repeats,“Seekers do not realize that all methods and techniquesare utterly useless, unless they give up the illusion thatthey themselves are not autonomous entities with volitionand choice, working towards the goal by God’s will.Actually, the ‘presence of a seeker-entity’ is the greatestobstruction and it inevitably prevents enlightenment. Yeteven this huge obstacle is clearly part of our ownprogramming by the Source. In reality, there is nodifference between ignorance and enlightenment, as longas there is a conceptual entity to experience eithercondition. There is no practicer and nothing to practice –no seeker and nothing to seek. Deep apprehension of thisis illumination.”

Ramana states that it is impossible for us to make aneffort beyond a certain extent, “You are prompted by theSelf to any effort. Even the fact that you are interested inthe quest is a manifestation of divine grace. It draws youfrom within. You only have to attempt to get in fromoutside. There is no quest without grace, nor is there graceactive from within for him who does not seek the Self. Effortis necessary up to the state of realization. Up to that statethere must be some effortless effort. Staying in the Self byone’s efforts is like training a roguish bull confined to his


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Their way of life is very much conditioned by instinct,habit, propaganda and the latest “fashion”. Morefundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing morethan an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a futilegesture by an energized ‘me-concept’. Apart frompsychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity toexercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal functioningand the inexorable chain of causation.”

The practice of meditation is represented by the threemonkeys, who cover their eyes, ears and mouths soas to avoid the phenomenal world.

The practice of non-meditation is ceasing to be thesee-er, hearer or speaker while eyes, ears andmouths are fulfilling their function in daily life.

spiritual evolution as understanding and that this veryunderstanding produces the effortless effort. The absoluteillusoriness of the human being and his so-called effortwill be quickly understood by the one who is on the verybrim of enlightenment, whereas someone who is muchlower on the scale, will more easily accept the concept ofeffort, determination and concentration. Yet the type ofhuman being, who relies on his personal effort at one stage,at a later stage may come to realize that such effort as ismade is truly the effort of the totality of functioning andnot the illusory individual doer.”

“So long as a person considers effort as his personaleffort, with the purpose of achieving something, he isrejecting the all-mightiness of the Almighty. So long as aperson wants something from the Almighty, he is rejectingthe fact of the, “thy will be done.” True love of God meanssurrender to Him, wanting nothing, not even salvation.”

Nisargadatta Maharaj is saying the same thing whenhe subdivides the search in different stages, “Whenignorance becomes obstinate, one’s character perverted,effort and pain become inevitable yet in completeobedience to nature there is no effort. The seed of spirituallife grows in silence and in darkness until its appointedhour. Stay open and quiet, that is all. What you seek is sonear to you, that there is no place for a way or a path. Thereis nothing to be done, nothing to be given up. Just watchand remember, whatever you perceive is not you, not yours.So simple. When effort is needed, effort will appear. Wheneffortless becomes essential, it will assert itself. You neednot push life about. Just flow with it and give yourselfcompletely to the task of the present moment, which is thedying to the now, because living is dying. It would seemthat the mechanism of living is based on the belief thateverything happens in life is the result of acts of volitionby the concerned phenomenal objects, the sentientbeings. Yet this would be an incorrect belief because itcan be clearly seen that human beings react to an outsidestimulus rather than act volitionally. Their living isprimarily a sequence of reflexes that hardly leaves anyroom for what might be considered as acts of will or volition.


Appendix

Profiles & Flashes on theAdvaita Masters

Mentioned in the Book

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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj : A Profile

C H A P T E R 32

“I am that by which I know ‘I am’.”

From his living room in the slums of Bombay, this self-realized master became famous for brilliant, aphoristic,extemporized talks in which he taught an austere,minimalist Jnana Yoga based on his own experience.Many of these talks have been published in books. Theearliest volume, I am That is widely regarded as a modernclassic by practitioners of applied Advaita.

“Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj was born in Bombay in 1897.His parents, who gave him the name Maruti, had a smallfarm at the village of Kandalgaon and it was here that hespent his early years. His father, Shivrampant, was a poorman who had been a servant in Bombay before turning tofarming.

Maruti worked on the farm as a boy. Although he grewup with little or no formal education, his father’s friend,Visnu Haribhau Gore, a pious Brahmin, exposed him toreligious ideas. Maruti’s father died when the boy was

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philosophical break from contemporary thought. Devoteestraveled from all over the world to hear Nisargadatta’sunique message until his death in 1981. He would oftenremind ; “Just keep in mind the feeling “I am,” merge init, till your mind and feeling become one. By repeatedattempts you will stumble on the right balance of attentionand affection and your mind will be firmly established inthe thought-feeling ‘I am.’”

FLASHESNisargadatta Maharaj as reviewed by Swami Sivananda

We are tremendously fortunate that such a being isspeaking openly about his state. I’ve read literallythousands of pages on books related to consciousnessexpansion and eastern spirituality. But after readingNisargadatta’s Maharaj, something in me has totallyshifted. I can never think about things in the same way.His practice of “I am-ness” is so simple and has deepenedthe more I practice it. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a totallyunique being who speaks directly to the core of our being.It’s amazing that he had barely any formal education(therefore he is not teaching what he has read in books,but from his experience), lived almost unknown, in atenement in Bombay. As he says he was a simple manwho sincerely followed what his guru (From an authenticand revered Indian spiritual lineage) taught him andregained his “natural state”(which is what we are all tryingto do). He never established any large ashram or following,as he could have easily done if he was looking for egogratification. He simply was himself and gave of himselfnaturally to those around him.

Once a woman saw him angry, so she asked, ‘I thoughtenlightened people were supposed to be happy and blissful.You seem to be grumpy most of the time. Doesn’t yourstate give you perpetual happiness and peace?’ He replied,‘The only time a jnani truly rejoices is when someone elsebecomes a jnani’.

“Earnestness was one of the key words in his teachings.He thought that it was good to have a strong desire for theSelf and to have all one’s faculties turned towards it

eighteen, leaving behind his wife and six children. Marutiand his older brother left the farm to look for work inMumbai. After a brief stint as a clerk, Maruti opened ashop selling children’s clothes, tobacco, and leaf-rolledcigarettes, called beedies, which are popular in India. Theshop was modestly successful. In 1924 he married, and ason and three daughters soon followed. The family settledin Bombay. From early childhood he had taken a keeninterest in spiritual matters, his talks with holy mensharpening his inquisitive mind and kindling a spiritualfire. At the age of 34 he met his Guru, Sri SiddharameshwarMaharaj, the head of the Inchegeri branch of the NavanathSampradaya. The Guru gave a mantra and someinstructions to Maruti and died soon after. SriNisargadatta later recalled: “My Guru ordered me to attendto the sense ‘I am’ and to give attention to nothing else. Ijust obeyed. I did not follow any particular course ofbreathing, or meditation, or study of scriptures. Whateverhappened, I would turn away my attention from it andremain with the sense ‘I am’. It may look too simple, evencrude. My only reason for doing it was that my Guru toldme so. Yet it worked”

His wife died a long time ago, when Maharaj was in hisforties. It is usual for men of this age who are widowed tomarry again, so all Maharaj’s relatives wanted him to findanother wife. He refused, saying, “The day she died Imarried freedom”

Within three years, Maruti realized himself and tookthe new name Nisargadatta. He became a sadhu andwalked barefoot to the Himalayas, but eventually returnedto Mumbai where he lived for the rest of his life, workingas a cigarette vendor and giving religious instruction inhis home. At the time of his death in 1981 he was 84 yearsold. Sri Nisargadatta’s teachings defy summarization, buthe frequently recommended the practice that had led tohis own realization in less than three years:

He continued to live the life of an ordinary Indianworking-man but his teaching, which he set out in hismaster-work “I Am That” and which are rooted in theancient Upanishadic tradition, made a significant

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile

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In 1980, a few months before his mahasamadhiNisargadatta underlined that the doctors had diagnosedthat his body had cancer and commented, “Would anyoneelse be as joyful as I am, with such a serious diagnosis?The world is your direct experience, your own observation.All that is happening is happening at this level, but I amnot at this level. I have dissociated myself from sattva guna,being ness. The Ultimate state in spirituality is that statewhere no needs are felt at any time, where nothing is usefulfor anything. That state is called Nirvana, Nirguna, thatwhich is the Eternal and Ultimate Truth. The essence andsum total of this whole talk is called Sat-GuruParabrahman, that state in which there are norequirements. After the dissolution of the universe, whenno further vestige of creation was apparent, what remainedis my perfect state. All through the creation anddissolution of the universe, I remain ever untouched. Ihave not expounded this part: my state never felt thecreation and dissolution of the universe. I am the principlethat survives all the creations, all the dissolutions. This ismy state, and yours, too, but you don’t realize it becauseyou are embracing your beingness. Realizing it is onlypossible when one get support from invincible faith, fromthat eternal Sadguru Parabrahman. This state, thisParabrahman principle, is eternal and is also the Sadguru.It is the eternal property of any devotee of a Guru.” Rameshtold that someone once asked Nisargadatta, ‘Is there anydifference between you and Ramana Maharshi?’ AndNisargadatta, with his usual sense of humor, said, ‘Noneat all, except that I’m slightly better dressed.’

FLASHES ON HOW NISARGADATTA MAHARAJFACED CANCER

“This sickness gave the confirmation that there is nopersonality, no individual.

“Sickness for whom?“Sickness is part of the functioning of the entire

manifest, dynamic Chaitanya; it is the play ofConsciousness. My true state is prior to this

whenever possible. This strong focus on the truth was whathe termed earnestness.

Maharaj one day also gave a mini-lecture on how itwas necessary for the full realization of the Self,to witnessone’s own death. He said that it had happened to him afterhe thought that he had fully realized the Self, and it wasn’tuntil after this death experience that he understood thatthis process was necessary for final liberation.

Once a foreigner gave him a very rude answer, butMaharaj didn’t show any sign of annoyance. Instead, hereplied, “Water doesn’t care whether it is quenching thirstor not”. And then he repeated the sentence, very slowlyand with emphasis. He often repeated himself like thiswhen he had something important to say. The foreignerlater on confessed that this one sentence completelydestroyed her skepticism and her negativity. The wordsstopped her mind, blew away her determination to be aspoilsport, and put her into a state of peace and silencethat lasted for long after her visit.

It was possible to meditate in his room in the earlymorning for an hour or an hour and a half. Maharaj wouldbe there, but he would be going about his normal morningactivities. He would potter around doing odd jobs; hewould appear with just a towel around his waist if he wasabout to have a bath; sometimes he would sit and read anewspaper. Although he did not seem to be teaching asRamana used by looking at people and transmitting someform of grace. However, Nisargadatta was always aware ofthe mental states of all the people who were sitting there,and he not infrequently complained about them. ‘I knowwho is meditating here and who is not,’ he would say,‘and I know who is making contact with his beingness.Only one person is doing that at the moment. The rest ofyou are all wasting your time.’

Nisargadatta had enormous respect for both RamanaMaharishi’s attainment and his teachings. He onceconfessed that one of the few regrets of his life was that henever met him in person. He would even clarify the innermeaning to some devotes of Ramana with incredible clarity.


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arising of consciousness – I am. This spontaneousarising of consciousness, brings about the sense ofpresence, of existence. Simultaneously, It causes thearising of the phenomenal manifestation inconsciousness, together with a sense of duality. TheWholeness gets split into the duality of a (pseudo)subject and observed object –each phenomenal objectassumes subjectivity as a “me” concerning all otherobjects as “others”. The objectivization of this dualityrequires the creation of the two twin concepts of“space” and “time”: “space” in which the volume ofobjects could be extended, and “time” in which thephenomenal images extended in space could beperceived, cognized and measured in terms of theduration of existence.

2) Human beings and all other sentient beings are asmuch an integral part of the total phenomenalmanifestation as any other phenomena. They arisewith the arising of the phenomenal universe. Asobjective phenomena, there is no apparent differencebetween animate and inanimate objects. Butsubjectively, it is sentience, which is responsible forenabling the sentient beings to perceive. Sentience,as such, is an aspect of consciousness in which themanifestation occurs, but it has nothing to with thearising of the manifestation. Thus although thesentience enables human beings to perceive otherobjects, and intellect enables them to discriminate,they are in no way different from all other phenomena.

3) The conceptual bondage arises only because eachhuman phenomenon assumes himself to be anindependent entity. As such he considers himself tobe an independent entity. As such he considershimself subject to the bonds of space-time assomething tangible and extraneous to his ownexistence.

4) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in thesense that noumenality is immanent inphenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of itsown other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at

Consciousness. That state does not depend on theConsciousness. There is a couplet we sing at Bhajan, toChakrapani. Chakrapani means that “I Amness”, the lifeprinciple, the manifest principle. It is like this cigarettelighter. The gas as such has no light, but its manifestationis the flame; it is full of light, life, and energy. Even in theatom and sub-atom, that energy is there. The functioningof Consciousness takes place spontaneously, and onedoesn’t know what will happen. For instance, I saysomething and M. will translate it one-way, B. willtranslate it another, in whichever way they haveunderstood it. This is the way the process will go on. ThisChakrapani is “like a flywheel,” Lord Krishna said,“rotating all beings.” That energy which moves all thingsin the waking state is latent in deep sleep. How long isone unaware of awareness? One doesn’t know, butsuddenly Consciousness arises. Does anyone think alongthese lines? Is it not amazing that Consciousness, whichmight remain latent for any length of time, suddenlyarises spontaneously?

“Once the disease was diagnosed, the very name of thedisease started various thoughts and concepts. Watchingthose thoughts and concepts I came to the conclusionthat whatever is happening is in the Consciousness. I toldthe Consciousness, “It is you who is suffering, not I.” IfConsciousness wants to continue to suffer, let it remainin the body. If it wants to leave the body, let it. Either way,I am not concerned.”

HINTS ON NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ’S TEACHING

Ramesh explains and summarizes the teaching as follows,“Perhaps the most appealing feature of the presentationof the Teaching, particularly for the foreigners, was thefact that Maharaj scrupulously avoided the spiritualjargon, and indeed rarely referred to the Scriptures. Helimited his talks to the seeker, the seeker’s relationshipwith other sentient beings, the phenomenal manifestationand its Source, the Noumenon.1) Noumenon is not aware of Its existence. Such

awareness of Its existence comes about only with the


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propaganda and the latest “fashion”. Morefundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing morethan an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, afutile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apartfrom psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entityto exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonalfunctioning and the inexorable chain of causation.

7) In the absence of an entity – redundant in the absenceof volition-, who is there to exercise the illusoryvolition and who is there to experience the results ofit? Who is there to be liberated? The deepest possibleunderstanding of those basics of the Teaching leadsto spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is theexperiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, whichis noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads tothe immense awakening that this life is a great dream.Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense ofself-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but thenon-volitional witnessing of all that happens duringthe remainder of our allotted span? Such nonvolitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happenswithout judging – arises along with non-objectiverelation both to oneself and others. A non- objectiverelation to oneself occurs when there is no thought ofoneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic.To know what one is without the slightest need of anyexplanation from anyone, to have the deepest possibleconviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any trace-element of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching.The total lack of any objective quality can only meanthe absence of the very concept of both presence andthe absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. Anon-objective relation to oneself naturally results ina non-objective relation to others, which meansceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient orinsentient, as objects of oneself. The result is theelimination of the misunderstanding known asignorance, which in effect means the realization of ourtrue nature. It is only when the phenomenal self isabsent that the noumenal “I” can be present.

the same time, transcend phenomenality becausenoumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merelythe objective aspect of noumenality. It is theidentification of noumenality with each separatephenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out ofwhat is merely the operational element in aphenomenal object that produces the phantom of anautonomous individual, the ego, which considersitself to be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenalfunctioning as such is quite impersonal, and theillusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its placebeing merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. Theimpersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure,and it is only when the experience is interpreted bythe pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencingthe experience in duration, that the experiencingloses its intemporal, impersonal element offunctioning and assumes the duality of objectivizationas subject/object.

5) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite,imperceptible being. What we appear to be as aphenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptibleseparate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments inconsciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusoryentities absurdly expect to be able to transformourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent ofthe conditioning to which we have been subjected. Howcan a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself?Only dis-identification with the supposed entity canbring the transformation.

6) It would seem that the mechanism of living is basedon the belief that everything happens in life is theresult of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenalobjects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be anincorrect belief because it can be clearly seen thathuman beings react to an outside stimulus rather thanact volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequenceof reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what mightbe considered as acts of will or volition. Their way oflife is very much conditioned by instinct, habit,


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important. So why not stabilize there? Meditate on thatConsciousness itself, and find out how this “I-am-ness”has appeared. What was its cause? And from what did thisConsciousness develop? Try to find out, go right to thesource!

“There are many persons who have a great attachmentto their own individuality. They want first and foremostto remain as an individual and then search, for they arenot prepared to lose that individuality. While retainingtheir identity, they want to find out what is the truth. Butin this process, you must get rid of the identity itself. Ifyou really find out what you are, you will see that you arenot an individual, you are not a person, you are not abody. And people who cling to their body identity are notfit for this knowledge.

“Who is there to be conscious of unconsciousness? Aslong as the window is open, there is sunlight in the room.With the windows shut, the sun remains, but does it seethe darkness in the room? Is there anything like darknessto the sun? There is no such thing as unconsciousness,for unconsciousness is not experienceable.

“Even faith in God is only a stage on the way. Ultimately,you abandon all, for you come to something so simplethat there are no words to express it. As long as one isconscious, there will be pain and pleasure. You cannotfight pain and pleasure on the level of Consciousness. Togo beyond them, you must go beyond Consciousness,which is possible only when you look at Consciousnessas something that happens to you, and not in you, assomething external, alien, superimposed. Then, suddenlyyou are free of Consciousness, really alone, with nothingto intrude. And that is your true state. Consciousness isan itching rash that makes you scratch. Of course, youcannot step out of Consciousness, for the very steppingout is in Consciousness. But if you learn to look at yourConsciousness as a sort of fever, personal and private, inwhich you are enclosed like a chick in its shell, out ofthis very attitude will come the crisis which will breakthe shell.

FROM NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ”S OWN WORDS

“Take the case of a young child. The sense of ‘I-am’ isnot yet formed, the personality is rudimentary. Theobstacles to self-knowledge are few, but the power andthe clarity of awareness, its width and depth are lacking.In the course of years awareness will grow stronger, butalso the latent personality will emerge and obscure andcomplicate. Just as the harder the wood, the hotter theflame, so the stronger the personality, the brighter the lightgenerated from its destruction.”

‘I am’ itself is God. The seeking itself is God. In seekingyou discover that you are neither the body nor the mind,and the love of the self in you is for the self in all. The twoare one. The consciousness in you and the consciousnessin me, apparently two, really one, seek unity and that islove.”

“People come here and stay for days, weeks, evenmonths. The first few days what they have heard takes root,and that is when they should leave, so that what has takenroot will have time to grow and blossom. As soon as theseed takes root, they must go. What has taken root mustbloom, must express itself within each heart. Thesweetness is the nature of sugar; but that sweetness isthere only so long as the sugar is present. Once the sugarhas been consumed or thrown away, there is no moresweetness. So this knowledge “I am,” this Consciousness,this feeling or sense of Being, is the quintessence of thebody. And if that body essence is gone, this feeling, thesense of Being, will also have gone. This sense of Beingcannot remain without the body, just as sweetness cannotremain without the material, which is sugar. What remainsis the Original, which is unconditioned, withoutattributes, and without identity: that on which thistemporary state of the Consciousness and the three statesand the three gunas have come and gone. It is calledParabrahman, the Absolute. Because of your existence,because you know that you are, you know also that theworld is. So this Consciousness, because of which youexperience the world, is not unimportant; in fact, it is very


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imaginary to be real. See the imaginary as imaginary andbe free of fear. What begins and ends is mere appearance.The world can be said to appear, but not to be. Theappearance may last very long on some scale of time, andvery short on another, but ultimately it comes to the same.Whatever is time-bound is momentary and has no reality.

“There can be no continuity in existence. Continuityimplies identity in past, present and future. No suchidentity is possible, for the very means of identificationfluctuate and change. Continuity, permanency, these areillusions created by memory, mere mental projections ofa pattern where no pattern can be. Time is in the mind,space is in the mind. In reality time and space exist inyou; you do not exist in them. They are modes ofperception, but they are not the only ones. Time and spaceare like words written on paper; the paper is real, the wordsmerely a convention. All existence is imaginary. Time isendless, though limited, eternity is in the split momentof the now. We miss it because the mind is ever shuttlingbetween the past and the future. It will not stop to focusthe now. It can be done with comparative ease, if interestis aroused.

“Whatever I had thought earlier has now changed. Whatis happening now is that even the slightest touch ofindividuality has completely disappeared, and it isConsciousness as such which is spontaneouslyexperiencing. The result is total freedom. All the timethere was complete conviction that it was Consciousnesswhich was experiencing; but that “I” which theConsciousness was there. Now that has totallydisappeared; therefore, whatever happens in the field ofConsciousness, I, who am there before Consciousness, amnot concerned in any way. The experience is ofConsciousness experiencing itself.

“Nevertheless, understand what Consciousness is, evenif Consciousness is not an individual. The basis andsource of Consciousness is in the material. What I say isstill in the conceptual world, and you need not accept itas truth. Nothing in the conceptual world is true.

“All kinds of things were happening, thoughts andexperiences, and they were credited to my account, but

“Consciousness implies alterations, change followingchange, when one thing or state comes to an end andanother begins; that which has no borderline cannot beexperienced in the common meaning of the word. Onecan only be it, without knowing, but one can know whatit is not. It is definitely not the entire content ofConsciousness, which is always on the move. To realizethe immovable means to become immovable. I am talkingof immovability, not of immobility. You become immovablein righteousness. You become a power which gets allthings right. It may or may not imply intense outwardactivity, but the mind remains deep and quiet. What youdo not know is that the entire universe is your body, andyou need not be afraid of it. You may say you have twobodies: the personal and the universal. The personalcomes and goes, the universal is always with you. Theentire creation is your universal body. You are so blindedby what is personal, that you do not see the universal.This blindness will not end by itself - it must be undoneskillfully and deliberately. When all illusions areunderstood and abandoned, you reach the error-free andperfect state in which all distinctions between thepersonal and the universal are no more. You see yourselfin the world, while I see the world in myself. To you, youget born and die, while to me the world appears anddisappears. Our world is real, but your view of it is not.There is no wall between us, except the one built by you.There is nothing wrong with the senses; it is yourimagination that misleads you. It covers up the world, asit is with what you imagine it to be - something existingindependently of you and yet closely following yourinherited or acquired patterns. This must be well grasped:the world hangs on the thread of Consciousness. NoConsciousness, no world.

“Once you realize that the world is your own projection,you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a worldthat does not exist, except in your own imagination!However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are paintingit and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobodyto force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the


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Maharaj: What should be your ultimate conclusion afterreading so many books, doing sadhana and listening tothese talks? The conclusion should be that the hearer,the knower, is not concerned with the body, mind andConsciousness and that he is separate from the body.Spirituality is nothing more that understanding this playof Consciousness — try to find out what this fraud is, byseeking its Source.Q: Is the Source the Creator?Maharaj: Nor the Source nor the universe have come totell you that they have created you. The mind, obsessedby the idea of causality, invents creation and thenwonders, “Who is the Creator?” The mind itself is theCreator. Even this is not quite true, for the created and itsCreator are one. The mind and the world are not separate.Understand that what you think to be the world is yourown mind. All space and time are in the mind. There isonly imagination. It has absorbed you so much that youjust cannot grasp how far from reality you have wandered.No doubt imagination is vastly creative. Universe uponuniverse are built on it. Yet they are all in space and time,past and future that do not exist. It is you who are inmovement and not time. Stop moving and time will cease.Past and future will merge in the eternal now.Q: Am I really Brahman?Maharaj: The “I Am-ness”, the manifest Brahman, and theIsvara are all only one; ponder over this and realize it. Youhad this rare opportunity where all has been explained ingreat detail, so take full advantage of it. You are themanifest Brahman. I have told you many times what yourtrue nature is, but out of habit, you get involved againand again in body identification. A stage has now arrivedwhere you must give up this body-identification. Theactivities of the body will continue until the body dropsoff, but you should not identify with the body and itsactivities.Q: How am I to disidentify from the body?Maharaj: As you can see the body, then you are not thebody. You can watch your breath, so you are not the vital

once I have seen what it is, all those account-books havebeen burned and I no longer have any account. Howamusing it is to see someone who thinks of himself as anindividual, who thinks of himself as a doer or achiever.Whatever is happening, and the experiencing of thehappening, takes place in this Consciousness when the“I Am” arises.

“Spiritual maturity is being ready to let go everything.Giving up is a first step, but real giving-up is the insightthat there’s nothing to be given up, since nothing is yourproperty.”

SATSANGS WITH NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ

Maharaj: Prior to this moment, did you have thisknowledge that you exist? This Consciousness, beingness,which you are experiencing now, was it there earlier?Q: It has been, on and off.Maharaj: A patient who is suffering from cancer isconstantly repeating, with absolutely no effort “I’m dyingfrom cancer.” Similarly, go on chanting, “I amConsciousness.” One who is constantly awake in his truenature, is liberated. A patient suffering from terminalcancer always remembers his state, and ultimatelyundergoes that death. Similarly, one who remembers thathe is knowledge and that he is Consciousness, becomesthe Parabrahman.

What if the moment you are about to take a photographof Bombay, I tell you, “No don’t take a photograph of whatyou see, but take a photograph of Bombay without land. Isit possible? That is exactly like taking a photograph ofyourself without the body. You have a body, but you arelike Bombay with no land. Remembering that you areConsciousness should happen effortlessly. When I say,“I,” I don’t refer to this body’s “I,” but to that “I”, whichrepresents this Consciousness. Consciousness is “I,” andyou should use this knowledge when you act.Q: I have been studying spiritual texts and practicingsadhana, yet since I met Maharaj, things are becomingclearer and clearer.


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Maharaj: Do not try to become anything. Do nothing!Without thinking on any of your words, remain quiet. Oncea word sprouts it creates a meaning and then you ride onit. You follow the meanings of your words and claim thatyou are in search of your self. So be wakeful to that statewhich is prior to the sprouting of words. Did you ever havethe opportunity to associate with any Sages?Q: When I try to track down the self it seems to me that itcreates more selves.Maharaj: But who is that sees so many selves? One thoughtproduces further thoughts. Who observes the first thought?Only you are the observer of the first thought. If the knowerof the very first thought is not there, who will observe theother thoughts?Q: If the knower is not, will there also be no thoughts?Maharaj: If you understand this, everything is over — youcan go. To expound and propagate concepts is simple. Butto drop all concepts is difficult and rare.Q: As an individual can we go back to the Source?Maharaj: Not as an individual; the knowledge “I Am” mustgo back to its own source. Now, Consciousness hasidentified with a form. Later, it understands that it is notthat form and goes further. In a few cases it may reach thespace, and very often, it stops there. In a very few cases, itreaches its real source, beyond all conditioning. It isdifficult to give up the inclination of identifying the bodyas the self. I am not talking to an individual; I am talkingto the Consciousness. It is Consciousness, which mustseek its source. Out of that no-being-state comes thebeingness. It comes as quietly as twilight, with just a feelingof “I Am”, and then, suddenly, space is there. There is noindividual. There is only you, the total functioning is you,Consciousness is you. You are Consciousness, all the titlesof the Gods are your names, but by clinging to the bodyyou hand yourself over to time and death — you are theone imposing it on yourself. Your true nature is open andfree, but you cover it up, you give it various designs.

breath. In the same way, you are not Consciousness; butyou have to become one with the Consciousness. As youstabilize in Consciousness, dispassion for the body andits relative desires and needs occurs spontaneously. It isa natural renunciation, not a deliberate one. Desires dropoff by themselves. This does not mean that you shouldneglect your worldly duties; carry these out with full zest.

Q: I shall be grateful if I am told how to have peace of mind.

Maharaj: Because of the self, the atman, you are connectedto the world through the body. The self is nothing else butthe knowledge that “you are.” Meditate on that principleby which you know “you are” and on account of whichyou experience the world. Meditate on this knowledge“you are,” which is Consciousness, and abide therein.

Q: But I cannot concentrate.Maharaj: Ignore the mind the way you disregard the crowdyou encounter on the streets.Q: Concentration eludes me. My mind is fickle.Maharaj: Water flows constantly, yet you can use it whenyou need it. Similarly, use the mind to meet your needsand then let it flow by itself without your interference andinvolvement, like the flow of a river from where you takewater only when needed.Q: Why do I have so many thoughts rushing in the mind?Maharaj: Your thoughts are really not your own thoughts;they are all collective thoughts. You think that you arethe one who has the thoughts, but in reality thoughts arisein Consciousness. As our spiritual knowledge grows, ouridentification with an individual body-mind diminishes,and our Consciousness expands into universalConsciousness.Q: How do I remove thoughts and new concepts? If allconcepts and thoughts are removed, will I become one withTHAT?


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Q: It is a great mystery.

Maharaj: It’s a mystery only to the ignorant. To the onenot identified with the body, it is no longer a mystery.

Q: Do we have to discard all knowledge?

Maharaj: You must have a thorough knowledge of thisConsciousness, and having known everything about theConsciousness you come to the conclusion that it is all-unreal, and then it should drop off.

Q: Should all spiritual disciplines be dropped?Maharaj: At the highest level this is so; at the earlier levelsyou have to do your homework. Those who are ableintuitively to grasp this lose their interest in worldly affairs.Those who have comprehended and who have reached acertain stage will not ask for anything, but everything willcome to them spontaneously. There will be no wish for it;nevertheless, all they need will be there. This happensonly to the ones who have become one with their truenature.Q: Where does Consciousness come from?Maharaj: It never comes or goes, it just appears to havecome.Q: Why does Maharaj know this and we do not?Maharaj: It is not difficult for you to know also, but withwhat identity are you asking?Q: Can Maharaj, out of compassion, give me a push intothat state of universal Consciousness?Maharaj: Yes, of course, I can do that, but you must listento me, you must have complete faith in whatever I tell youabout yourself, and you must behave accordingly. Bynature I am non-manifest, yet I am manifested, but I amreally not manifested. The sense of “I” has come and hasgone, that is all, I am not going to die. One who has rejectedthis identity will understand.

Q: I have been reading Paul Brunton’s work on RamanaMaharshi. I have been listening attentively to yourSatsangs.

Maharaj: Your spiritual background is ready, that is whyyou listen to the talks and try to understand them. Otherpeople quarrel with me with their concepts. They arebrimming over with concepts, with the result that they areunable to listen to what I say. Many people come here,presuming themselves to be very knowledgeable, but Iknow that they are only very ignorant only. However, theyare, I consider them as Consciousness alone.

Q: At certain moments I think I am “like this,” at othermoments I think I am “like that.”

Maharaj: Who other than you is observing those moments?You are the witness of these moments. Whatever is seenand perceived and also whatever you see inside andoutside you that you are not. All your identities at thebody-mind level have been changing continuously, andnone of them has been constant and faithful to you. Whythen are you attracted to any of such identities by stating,“I am like this,” “I am like that”? In meditation, you mightconvince yourself “I am Guru Nanak” or as some peoplein their meditation firmly believe: “I am Bhagavan SriKrishna.” None of such identities has any stability. Theonly stable one is the observer of those identities, and youalone are that observer — the eternal one. Take theexample of a poor actor who played the role of a king sosplendidly that he received a lot of praise. But he is notthe king. Similarly, you are not Guru Nanak. You are theobserver. Whatever you see and perceive is all the play ofMaya, the illusive principle.

Q: Why did this Consciousness arise?

Maharaj: You are both the question and the answer. Allyour questions come from your identification with thebody. How can any questions relating to that which wasprior to the body and Consciousness be answered? Thereare yogis who have sat in meditation for many, many yearsseeking answers to this question, but even they haven’tunderstood it. And yet you are complaining.


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Q: The only difference is what happens in the middle?Maharaj: Whatever happens between birth and death isalso an expression of the Consciousness only. Even in therealm of Consciousness you pass the time entertainingvarious concepts; what else are you doing?Q: Is Maharaj playing with various concepts?Maharaj: No. It is Consciousness, It plays by Itself.Q: I am aware that I came here because Maharaj is a mirror,but this time he is showing me that I am my own mirror.Maharaj: That is why you should not stay for long.Q: What am I to face if I follow your teaching?Maharaj: Just realize the one Mover behind all that movesand leave all to Him. If you do not hesitate, this is theshortest way to reality. Stand without desire and fear,relinquishing all control and responsibility. This is divinemadness. Control and responsibility are only in the mind.As long as you imagine yourself to be in control, youshould also imagine yourself to be responsible. Either youare responsible for nothing, or for everything. Yet theSource acts through all. Why worry? You are addicted todoership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing else togive up. Stop your habit of looking for results and freedomwill be yours. You are always seeking pleasure, avoidingpain, always after happiness and peace. The ending of thispattern is the end of the self. The ending of the self with itsdesires and fears enables you to return to your realnature, the source of all happiness and peace. Don’t yousee that it is your search for happiness that makes youfeel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent to pain andpleasure, neither asking nor refusing, give all yourattention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly present.Accept the pain allotted to you and you will discover inpain a joy which pleasure cannot yield, for the simplereason that acceptance of pain takes you much deeperthan pleasure does. Develop the witness attitude and youwill find in your own experience that detachment bringscontrol. Acceptance of pain, non resistance, courage andendurance open deep and perennial sources of real

Q: Maharaj said that he is not going to die?Maharaj: How can one who is not born, die?When people first learned about this illness, those whohave affection for me came to talk to me, or wrote to me,giving advice and medicine. Whatever is to happen willhappen. I don’t have fear, so I don’t have to do anythingabout this illness.Q: What is sat-chit-ananda?Maharaj: It is words. You can take it that sat-chit-anandais the limit, which your mind can describe of that state,which cannot be described. Your true state is non-manifest; the manifestation comes and the words come.The one who experiences sat-chit-ananda is there beforethe experience.Q: Maharaj has said, in this respect, that the teachingswere his Guru’s, but the understanding was his.Maharaj: My Guru told me that Consciousness alone isthe Guru, all other developments sprouted within me. Thefruit should grow on your own plant. I should not sow myunderstandings in you.Q: Does Maharaj see us as individuals?Maharaj: There are no individuals; there are only foodbodies with the knowledge “I Am”. There is no differencebetween an ant, a human being, and Isvara; they are ofthe same quality. The body of an ant is small, an elephant’sis large. The strength is different, because of size, but thelife-force is the same.

Q: If there is no difference between what is prior to birthand what is after death there is no difference, is there anyreason for attempting to learn who we are now? Isn’t it allthe same?

Maharaj: The light coming from the sun and the sun itselfis there any difference?


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“Of all Yogis, only he who rests his unwavering mindand love in me is dear to me. “

Sri Ramana Maharshi is probably the most famousIndian Sage of the twentieth century. He was renownedfor the fullness of his self-realization, and for the feelingsof deep peace that visitors experienced in his presence.He answered questions for hours every day, but neverconsidered himself to be anyone’s Guru. RamanaMaharshi was born on December 30, 1879 in a villagecalled Tirucculi about 30 miles south of Madurai insouthern India. His parents named him Venkataraman.His father died when he was twelve, and he went to livewith his uncle in Madurai, where he attended theAmerican Mission High School. The ultimateunderstanding happened spontaneously when he wasonly 16. Six weeks later he ran away to the holy hill ofArunachala where he remained for the rest of his life. Forseveral years he was in silence and every day the stage ofsamadhi would happen.

Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile

C H A P T E R 33happiness. Desires and fears are all mind-made. Give upthe bandage of self-concern and be what you are:intelligence and love in action. Be honest with yourself,and just love what you love – don’t strive and strain.Surrender to your own self of which everything is anexpression. Beware of all that makes you dependant. Mostof the so-called ‘surrenders to the Guru’ end indisappointment, if not in tragedy. Fortunately an earnestseeker will disentangle himself in time, the wiser for theexperience.Q: What does the term surrender imply?Maharaj: Self-surrender is the surrender of all self-concern. It cannot be done, it happens when you realizeyour true nature. Verbal and intellectual surrender is oflittle value and breaks down under stress. Accept life as itcomes and you will find it a blessing. The preparation isgradual, the change is sudden and complete. You cannotsee yourself as independent of everything unless you dropeverything and remain unsupported and undefined. Onceyou know yourself, it is immaterial what to do, but to realizeyour independence, you must test by letting go all youwere dependent on.

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Ramana Maharshi died of cancer in 1950 at the ageof 70.

BRIEF HINTS ON RAMANA MAHARSHI’S TEACHING

It was Ramana’s basic thesis that the individual self isnothing more than a thought or an idea. He said that thisthought, which he called ‘I’-thought, originates from aplace called the Heart-centre, which is located on the rightside of the chest in the human body. From there the ‘I’-thought rises up to the brain and identifies itself with thebody: ‘I am this body.’ It then creates the illusion that thereis a mind or an individual self, which inhabits the bodyand controls all its thoughts and actions. The ‘I’-thoughtaccomplishes this by identifying itself with all thethoughts and perceptions, and this process brings forthidentification as doers: ‘I am doing this’, ‘I’ am thinkingthis, ‘I’ am feeling happy, etc. Thus, the idea that one is anindividual doer is generated by its in-grooved habit ofconstantly identifying with all the thoughts that arise.Ramana stressed that one could reverse this process bydepriving the ‘I’-thought of all the thoughts andperceptions that it normally identifies with, and specifiedthat this ‘I’-thought is actually an unreal entity. It merelyappears to exist the moment the ‘I’ thought identifies itselfwith other thoughts. He taught that if one succeeded inbreaking the connection between the ‘I’-thought and thethoughts it identifies with, the ‘I’-thought itself will subsideand finally disappear. As a technique, Ramana suggestedSelf-inquiry. By Self-enquiry he suggested holding ontothe inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all other thoughtsand that to maintain one’s attention on this inner feelingof ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Who am I?’or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantly remindedthe seekers that if they succeeded in remaining centeredon this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all other thoughts,the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into the Heart-centre.

This, according to Sri Ramana, was the only thingseekers could “do”, as once the mind had been emptied

For some time after his awakening, young Ramana satperfectly still in the temple at Arunachala. Ramanapracticed tapas in the thousand-pillared Temple, near thePatala Linga, in Subrahmanya’s shrine, in the Mangogarden, the Sadguru Swami cave and Cora hills. From1909 to 1916 he lived in the Virupakshi Cave. RamanaMaharshi was known as Brahmana Swami inTiruvannamalai. During these early years, he was sodeeply absorbed in bliss that he was totally unconcernedif bedbugs covered his legs, or if stones were thrown athim. Since he was still quite young, the depth of his silenceand the power of his presence began to attract seekersfrom all parts of the world. For years he did not even noticethem, as his attention was totally inwardly absorbed.

For many years, his guidance was given mostly insilence. When he came out of his constant silence, peoplestarted to come and ask him questions, andVenkataraman soon acquired a reputation as a Sage. In1907, when he was 28, one of his early devotees namedhim Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the nameremained. Eventually an ashram was built around himalthough he never wanted one.

When Ramana’s body grew old and was ravaged by apainful cancer, his disciples were desperate to find somecure but Ramana would simply point out one should notgive too much importance to the body. “There is no needto worry,” he would say, “the body is itself a disease. Let ithave its natural end.” The doctors who were attendingRamana during those final months of his illness wereamazed at his indifference to pain. Once he quoted to hisdoctor a verse from Yoga Vashista: “The Jnani who hasfound himself as formless, pure Awareness is unaffected,though his body be cleft with a sword. Sugar candy doesnot lose its sweetness though broken or crushed.”

In the final days before his physical death, Ramanareminded a grieving devotee, “They take this body forBhagavan and attribute suffering to him. What a pity. Theyare worried that Bhagavan may leave them. Where can hego, and how?”


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compared to an agitated bull. Yoga attempts to drive thebull with a stick, while self-enquiry coaxes it with greengrass. Ramana always stressed, “There is only one Selfand nothing but the Self. Know that and everything elseis known. Desirelessness is refraining from turning themind towards any object. Wisdom means the appearanceof no object. Not seeking what is other than the Self isdetachment or desirelessness.”

Ramana was a living example of the teaching of theUpanishads. His life was at once the message and thephilosophy of his teachings. His message is, “KnowThyself”. He never tired of teaching, “Know Thyself andall the rest will be known. Discriminate between theundying, unchanging, all-pervading, infinite Atma andthe ever-changing, phenomenal and perishable universeand body. Enquire, ‘Who am I?’ Make the mind calm. Freeyourself from all thoughts other than the simple thoughtof the Self or Atma. Dive deep into the chambers of yourheart. Find out the real, infinite ‘I’. Rest there peacefullyfor ever and become identical with the Supreme Self. Man’sreal nature is happiness. Happiness is inborn in the trueSelf. Man’s search for happiness is an unconscious searchfor his true Self. The true Self is imperishable; therefore,when a man finds it, he finds lasting happiness. In theinterior cavity of the heart, the One Supreme Being is everglowing with the Self-conscious emanation I...I... Torealize Him, enter into the heart with an one-pointedmind—by quest within or diving deep or control of breath—and abide with the Self of self.” At the basis the teaching,yet in other terms, was disidentification from individualdoership, as Ramana stressed

“The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance. Ask yourself ‘who works? What is destined to happen willhappen. If you are destined not to work, work cannotbe had even if you hunt for it; If you are destined towork, You will not be able to avoid it; You will be forcedto engage yourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power;you cannot renounce or retain as you choose.

of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is the power of theSelf, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into the Heart-centreand eventually destroys it, therefore the Source or Godwere totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’. Whenrealization happens, the mind and the individual self -both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought -are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Self remains.

Self-enquiry also involves a second question, “To whomdoes this thought arise?” And Ramana would invariablyanswer, “Know the doubter. If the doubter is held, thedoubts will not arise. When the doubter ceases to exist,there will be no doubts arising. From where will they arise?All are jnanis, jivan-muktas, but nobody is aware of it.Doubts must be uprooted and this entails that the doubtermust be uprooted. Whenever the mind goes astray andyour concentration is interrupted by a thought, duringmeditation or Self analysis, ask yourself, ‘To whom doesthis thought arise?’ because the answer causes theattention to return to the feeling of ‘I’ where it belongs.

Ramana Maharshi sometimes described the heartcenter as an actual object located in the right side of thechest, but at other times he said this was a simplificationfor those who couldn’t understand Truth: “When I speakof the ‘I’ rising from the right side of the body, from alocation on the right side of the chest, the information isfor those seekers, who still think that they are the body.To these people I say that the Heart has a physical location,but it is really not quite correct to say that the ‘I’ risesfrom and merges in the Heart on the right side of the chest.The Heart is another name for the Reality and it is neitherinside nor outside the body; there can be no ‘in or out’ forIt, since It alone is. In reality, by the term ‘Heart’ I do notmean any physiological organ or plexus.

“What is essential in any practice is to try to keep themind in check, bringing it back when it wavers, and fixingit on the ‘Who am I?’ That alone is Self-enquiry. That is allthat is to be done!”

Ramana Maharshi often said that yoga and self-enquiryare two methods of controlling the mind, which he


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Ramana: Apart from the statement in the Veda thatwherever there is body there is unhappiness, this is alsothe direct experience of all people; therefore, one shouldenquire into one’s true nature, which is ever bodiless,and one should remain as such. This is the means togaining that state.

Q: I came to inquire about “Who am I?”

Ramana: Actions such as ‘going’ and ‘coming’ belong onlyto the body. And so, when one says “I went, I came”, itamounts to saying that the body is “I”. But, can the bodybe said to be the Consciousness “I,” since the body wasnot before it was born, is made up of the five elements, isnon-existent in the state of deep sleep, and becomes acorpse when dead? Can this body, which is inert like alog of wood be said to shine as “I” “I”?

Q: I suffer so much. What can I do?

M: Oh! Are you suffering very much? When a man sleepshe dreams he is being beaten and that he is sufferingterribly. All that would be quite real at that time. But whenhe wakes up he knows it was only a dream. Similarly whenJnana dawns, all the miseries of this world would appearto be merely a dream. When a man sleeps he dreams he isbeing beaten and that he is suffering terribly. All thatwould be quite real at that time. But when he wakes uphe knows it was only a dream. Similarly when Jnanadawns, all the miseries of this world disappear.

Q: What am I to shun?

Ramana: The sense of being an individual soul.

Q: Is the theory of reincarnation true?

Ramana: Reincarnation exists only so long as there isignorance. There is really no reincarnation at all, eithernow or before. Nor will there be any hereafter. This is thetruth.

Q: Do Sages or yogis know about their past lives?

Ramana: Do you know the present life that you wish to

RAMANA’S SPONTANEOUS TRANSFORMATION

“It was about six weeks before I left Madurai for good,in the middle of the year 1896, that the great change inmy life took place. It was so sudden. One day I sat upalone on the first floor of my uncle’s house. I was in myusual good health, but a sudden and unmistakable fearof death seized me. I felt I was going to die and at oncestarted thinking what I should do. I did not care to consultnor a doctor nor elders or a friend. I felt I had to solve theproblem myself, then and there. The shock of the fear ofdeath made me at once introspective or ‘introverted’. I saidto myself mentally, ‘Now that death has come, what doesit mean? Who is it that is dying? This body dies’. So, Iextended my limbs and held them rigid as though rigormortis had set in. I imitated a corpse to lend an air of realityto my further investigation. I held my breath and kept mymouth closed, pressing my lips tightly together, so thatno sound could escape. ‘Well then’ I said to myself, ‘thisbody is dead. It will be carried to the crematory andreduced to ashes. But with the death of my body, am Idead? Is the body I? This body is silent and inert. But Iam still aware of the full force of my personality and evenof the sound of ‘I’ within myself as apart from the body.The material body dies, but the Spirit transcending itcannot be touched by death. I am therefore the deathlessSpirit’. All this was not a feat of intellectual gymnastics,but came as a flash before me vividly as living Truth, whichI perceived immediately, without any argument almost.‘I’ was something very real, the only real thing in that state,and all the conscious activity that was connected withmy body was centered on that. The ‘I’ or myself was holdingthe focus of attention with a powerful fascination. Fear ofdeath vanished at once and forever. The absorption in theSelf has continued from that moment right up to now”.

SATSANGS WITH RAMANA MAHARSHI

Q: What is the means to gain the state of eternal bliss?


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Q: In the Theosophical Society they meditate in order toseek Masters to guide them.

Ramana: The Master is within; meditation is meant toremove the ignorant idea that He is only outside. If Hewere a stranger whom you await, He is bound to disappearalso. Where is the use for a transient being like that? Butas long as you think you are separate or that you are thebody, so long is the Master ‘without’ also necessary, andHe will appear as if with a body. When the disidentificationfrom the body happens, the Master will be found as noneother than the Self.

Q: Will the Guru help us to know the Self?

Ramana: Does the Guru hold you by the hand and whisperin the ear? You may imagine him to be what you areyourself. Because you think you are with a body, you thinkHe has also a body, to do something tangible to you. Hiswork lies within, in the spiritual realm.

Q: How is the Guru found?

Ramana: God, Who is immanent, in His Gracecompassionately manifests Himself according to thedevotee’s development. The devotee thinks that He is aman and expects a relationship as between two physicalbodies. The Self whether incarnate in a Guru works fromwithin. From within the Self guides, until man realizesthe Self within.

Q: Why should one practice silence and solitude?

Ramana: Silence, however vast and emphatic, is the mostpotent form of work. While, however vast and emphatic maythe Scriptures be, they fail in their effect. The Guru is quietand grace prevails in all. This silence is vaster and moreemphatic than all the Scriptures put together. Solitude isan attitude of the mind. One might be in the thick of theworld and yet maintain in perfect serenity, while anotherperson may be in the forest, but unable to control histhoughts through the witnessing process and Self- enquiry.

Q: Can the devotee attain happiness?

know the past? Find the present, the rest will follow. Evenwith our present limited knowledge, you suffer so much;why should you burden yourself with more knowledge?Is it to suffer more?

Q: What are the characteristics of the Sage?

Ramana: ‘I am not the body; I am Brahman, which ismanifest as the Self. In me who am the plenary Reality,the world consisting of bodies, is a mere appearance, likethe ‘blue of the sky’. He who has realized the truth thus isa Sage, a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long as his mind has notbeen resolved, there may arise some misery even for therealized one because of relation to objects on account ofprarabdha - karma, which has begun to fructify and whoseresult is the present body, and as the movement of mindhas not ceased there will not be also the experience ofbliss. The experience of Self is possible only for the mindthat has become subtle and unmoving as a result ofprolonged meditation. He who is thus endowed with amind that has become subtle, and who has the experienceof the Self is called a jivan-mukta.

ON GURU –DISCIPLE RELATIONSHIP

Q: What is Guru-kripa?

Ramana: Guru is the Self.... There are some steps. At acertain moment in life men may become dissatisfied withwhat they have and seek the satisfaction of their desires,through prayer to God. The mind is gradually purified untilthey long to know God, The Source takes the form of aGuru and teaches him the Truth and, moreover, purifieshis mind by association. By silence and meditation it isfurther purified and it remains still without the least ripple.That calm Expanse is the Self. The Guru is both ‘external’and ‘internal’. From the ‘exterior’ He gives a push to themind to turn inward; from the ‘interior’ He pulls the mindtowards the Self and helps in the quieting of the mind.That is Guru-kripa. There is no difference between God,Guru and the Self.


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Surrender is to give oneself up to the original cause ofone’s being. Do not delude yourself by imagining to havesome God outside you. The Source is within yourself. Giveyourself up to It. This means you should seek the Sourceand merge in It. When you merge in the Self there will beno individuality left. You will become the Source Itself. Inthat case what is surrender? Who is to surrender what towhom. This constituted devotion, wisdom andinvestigation. Your duty is “to be” and not to be this orthat. I AM THAT I AM sums up the whole Truth.Q: How does speech arise?Ramana: There is abstract knowledge, where the ego arises,which in turn gives rise to thought, and thought to thespoken word. So the word is the great-grandson of theoriginal Source. But people do not understand this simple,bare Truth, the Truth of their everyday, ever-present andeternal experience. There is speaking, but you are not thespeaker.Q: Kindly give a short cut if there exists one.Ramana: The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remainsas ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-Realization. The realizeddo not see any contradiction in it. Take the case of bhakti.I approach Ishwara and pray to be absorbed in Him. I thensurrender myself in faith and by concentration. Whatremains afterwards? In place of the original ‘I’, perfect self-surrender leaves a residuum of God in which the ‘I’ is lost.This is the highest form of devotion, surrender or height ofdispassion, vairagya.

You think it means giving up this and that of ‘your’possessions, while if you give up ‘I’ and ‘mine’ instead, allpossessions are given up at a stroke and the very seed ofpossession is lost.

Thus the evil is nipped in the bud or crushed in thegerm itself. Dispassion must be very strong to do this.

ON SELF-ENQUIRYQ: Is enquiry only the means for removal of the false beliefof selfhood in the gross body, or is it also the means for

Ramana: When the devotee truly surrenders himself tothe Master or God, it means that there is no vestige ofindividuality left. If the surrender is complete, all senseof self is lost, and in that state there can be nor misery norsorrow. The Eternal Being is nothing but Happiness.Happiness is always there. Eliminate the obstacles tohappiness. What are the obstacles? Identification with thebody and thinking you are the doer.Q: Will you teach me how to follow your example?Ramana: The Sadguru is within.Q: Isn’t the living Sadguru necessary to guide me tounderstand it?Ramana: The Sadguru is within.Q: I want a visible Guru.Ramana: That visible Guru says that HE is within.Q: Tell me what method to follow.Ramana: Where are you now? Where should you go?Q: I know I am; but I do not know what I am.Ramana: ‘I” is always there.Q: Then I have to conclude that I am Consciousness andthat nothing occurs except in my presence.Ramana: It is one thing to conclude by reasoning andanother thing to be convinced.Q: Is grace necessary?Ramana: If you had surrendered the ego, doubts wouldnot arise. Grace is ever present. All what is necessary isthat you surrender the ego. If one surrenders oneself therewill be no one to ask questions or to be thought of. Eitherthe thoughts are eliminated by holding on to the rootthought ‘I’ or one surrenders oneself unconditionally to aHigher Power. These are the only two ways for Realization.Q: Then if grace is the Self, should I surrender to my ownSelf?Ramana: Yes. To the one from whom the grace is sought.God, Guru and Self are only different forms of the Self.


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Q: How will the actions go on if I do not act?Ramana: Who asks this question? Is it the Self or another?Is the Self concerned with actions? No, and not beingconcerned with actions the questions do not ariseQ: So I have to do karma yoga and help others?Ramana: Who is there for you to help? Who is the ‘I’ that isgoing to help others? First clear this point then you cando karma yoga.Q: This means ‘realize the Self’. Does my realization helpothers?Ramana: Yes. It is the only help you can possibly renderto others, but in reality there are no others to be helped.When you identify yourself with body-consciousness,name and form are there. But when you transcend bodyconsciousness, the others also disappear.Q: Is the destroying of the identification with the body - asthe doer - the highway?Ramana: It is on the gross body that the other bodies subsist.In the false belief of the form “I am the body” are includedall the three bodies consisting of the five sheaths. Anddestruction of the false belief of selfhood in the gross bodyis itself the destruction of the false belief of selfhood in theother bodies. So enquiry is the means to removal of thefalse belief of selfhood in all the three bodies.Q: Why should the path to release be differently taught?Will it not create confusion in the minds of aspirants?Ramana: Several paths are taught in the Vedas to suit thedifferent grades of qualified aspirants. Yet, since releaseis but the destruction of mind, all efforts have for their aimthe control of mind. Although the modes of meditation mayappear to be different from one another, in the end all ofthem become one. There is no need to doubt this. Onemay adopt that path, which suits the maturity of one’s mind.

The control of prana which is yoga, and the control ofmind which is jnana these are the two principal means forthe destruction of mind.

removal of the false belief of selfhood in the subtle andcausal bodies?Ramana: Enquiry entails getting rid of the wrongidentification with the body as the doer. This must go beforegood results may follow. Only if that first person, the ego,in the form of ‘I am the body’ exists, will the second andthird person – you, he, she, they-exist. By scrutinizingdeeply the reality and truth of the first person, the ego isdestroyed. So long as the sense of doership is retained,there is desire. That is also personality. If this goes theSelf is found.

Agitation of mind is the cause of desire, the sense ofdoership and personality. If that is stopped, there is peaceand quiet. Hence one must take things as they come inaccordance with one’s traditions, but one must be free fromthe feeling that one is doing them oneself. The feeling thatI am doing is the bondage. All difficulties are due to thefact that today man thinks he is the doer. It is the HigherPower, which does everything and man is only the tool.All the activities that the body is to go through aredetermined when it first comes into existence. It does notrest with you to accept or reject them. The only freedomyou have is to turn your mind inward and renounce allactivities. Each person has come into manifestation for acertain purpose and that purpose will be accomplishedwhether he considers himself to be the actor or not. KarmaYoga is that Yoga in which the person does not arrogate tohimself the function of being the actor. All actions go onautomatically. So Karma Yoga means action withoutdoership.Q: The Gita teaches that one should have an active lifefrom beginning to end.Ramana: Yes, the actorless action. Let us understand whatkarma is, whose karma it is and who is the doer. Analyzingthem and enquiring into their truth, one is obliged toremain as the Self in peace. Nevertheless even in that stateactions will go on.


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the Self, and is deceived, identifying itself with the body.Will a person become a high officer by merely looking athim? Is it not by steady effort in that direction that he couldbecome a highly placed officer? Similarly, the jiva, whichis in bondage through mental identification with the body,should put forth effort in the form of reflection on the Self,in a gradual and sustained manner; and when thus themind gets destroyed, the jiva would become the Self.

The reflection on the Self, which is thus practicedconstantly will destroy the mind, and thereafter willdestroy itself like the stick that is used to kindle thecinders burning a corpse. It is this state that is calledrelease.Q: If the jiva is by nature identical with the Self, what is itthat prevents the jiva from realizing its true nature?Ramana: It is forgetfulness of the jiva’s true nature; this isknown as the power of veiling.Q: If it is true that the jiva has forgotten itself, how doesthe ‘I’-experience arise for all?Ramana: The veil does not completely hide the jiva; it onlyhides the Self-nature of ‘I’ and projects the ‘I am the body’notion; but it does not hide the Self’s existence which is‘I’, and which is real and eternal.Q: Could you describe the Self?Ramana: The Self is self-luminous without darkness andlight, and is the reality, which is self-manifest. Therefore,one should not think of It as this or that. The very thoughtof thinking will end in bondage. The purport of meditationon the Self is to make the mind take the form of the Self.Q: If I go on rejecting thoughts can I call it vichara?Ramana: It may be a stepping-stone. But really vicharabegins when you cling to your Self and are already off themental movement, the thought-waves.Q: Is it possible to practice at the same time the pranayamabelonging to yoga and the pranayama pertaining toknowledge?

To some, the former may appear easy, and to othersthe latter.

Yet, jnana is like subduing a turbulent bull by coaxingit with green grass, while yoga is like controlling throughthe use of force. Thus the wise ones say: of the three gradesof qualified aspirants, the highest reach the goal by makingthe mind firm in the Self, through the process ofdetermining the nature of the real, by Vedantic enquiry,and by looking upon one’s self and all things as of thenature of the real; the mediocre by making the mind stayin the heart and meditating for a long time on the real,and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in a gradualmanner through breath-control, etc.Q: What is the meaning of jnana?Ramana: The mind should be made to rest in the heart tillthe destruction of the ‘I’-thought. This itself is jnana; thisalone is dhyana also. The rest are a mere digression ofwords, digression of the texts. Therefore, if one gains theskill of retaining the mind in one’s Self through somemeans or other, one need not worry about other matters.The great teachers have also taught that the devotee isgreater than the yogis and that the means to release isdevotion, which is of the nature of reflection on one’s ownSelf. One should understand the rest by inference and,after having analyzed all those other techniques, the greatones will agree that Self-analysis is the shortest and thebest means.Q: It seems that such enquiry leads to self-worship. Kindlyexplain.Ramana: The jiva itself is Shiva; Shiva Himself is the jiva.It is true that the jiva is no other than Shiva. When thegrain is hidden inside the husk, it is called paddy; whenit is de-husked, it is called rice. So the jiva’s search for theSelf is like the search for the sheep by the shepherd. Butstill, the jiva that has forgotten its self, will not become theSelf through mere mediate knowledge. By the impedimentcaused by the residual impressions gathered in previousbirths, the jiva forgets again and again its identity with


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The body is the temple; the jiva is God (Shiva). If oneworships him with the ‘I am He’ thought, one will gainrelease. The body which consists of the five sheaths is thecave, the supreme that resides there is the lord of the cave.

Since the Self is the reality of all the gods, themeditation on the Self, which is oneself, is the greatest ofall meditations. All other meditations are included in this.It is for gaining this that the other meditations areprescribed. So, if this is gained, the others are notnecessary. Knowing one’s Self, is knowing God.

Without knowing one’s Self that meditates, imaginingthat there is a deity, which is different and meditating onit, is compared by the great ones to the act of measuringwith one’s foot one’s own shadow, and to the search for atrivial conch after throwing away a priceless gem that isalready in one’s possession.Q: Is it possible to be conscious without thought?Ramana: Yes. There is only one consciousness. In sleepthere is no I. The I-thought arises on waking and then theworld appears. Where was this I in sleep? Was it there ornot? It must have been there, yet not in the way you feelnow. The present is only the I-thought, whereas thesleeping I is the real I. That subsists all through. That isconsciousness. If that is known you will see that it isbeyond thoughts. Thoughts may be like other activities,not disturbing supreme Consciousness.Q: I do not understand your reference to dreams andmental illusion.Ramana: Our experience of the world is evoked anddissolved by the mind. When you travel from India toLondon does your body really move? No! It is theconveyance, which moves, and your body remains insideit without itself traveling. It is the ship and the train thattravels. Just as these movements are superimposed uponyour body, so are visions, dream states and even re-incarnations superimposed upon your real Self. The latterdoes not move and is not affected by all these outward

Ramana: So long as the mind has not been made to rest inthe heart, either through absolute retention or throughenquiry. Hence, the pranayama of yoga is to be practicedduring training, and the other pranayama may be practicedalways. Thus, both may be practiced. It is enough if theyogic pranayama is practiced till skill is gained in absoluteretention.Q: It was stated that Brahman is manifest as the Self in theform ‘I-I’, in the heart. To facilitate an understanding ofthis statement, can it be still further explained?Ramana: Is it not within the experience of all that duringdeep sleep, swoon, etc., there is no knowledge whatsoever,i.e. neither self-knowledge nor other-knowledge?Afterwards, when there is experience of the form “I havewoken up from sleep” or “I have recovered from swoon” —is that not a mode of specific knowledge that has arisenfrom the aforementioned ‘distinctionless’ state?Q: What is the purport of the teaching that one shouldmeditate, through the ‘I am He’ thought?Ramana: The purport of teaching is that one shouldcultivate the idea that one is not different from the self-luminous Reality. One should meditate with the ‘I am He’thought is this: soham; sah the supreme Self, aham the Selfthat is manifest as ‘I’. The mind should be resolved in theheart. One should get rid of the I sense. When thus oneenquires ‘Who am I?’ remaining undisturbed, in that statethe Self-nature becomes manifest in a subtle manner as‘I-I’; that self-nature is all and yet none, and is manifestas the supreme Self everywhere without the distinction ofinner and outer.. If, without meditating on that as beingidentical with oneself, one imagines it to be different,ignorance will not leave. If one meditates for a long time,without disturbance, on the Self ceaselessly, with the ‘Iam He’ thought, which is the technique of reflection onthe Self, the darkness of ignorance, which is in the heartand all the impediments, which are but the effects ofignorance will be removed, and the plenary wisdom willbe gained.


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Q: On enquiry into the origin of thoughts, there is aperception of ‘I’. But it does not satisfy.Ramana: Quite right. The perception of ‘I’ is associatedwith a form, maybe the body. There should be nothingassociated with the pure Self. The Self is the un-associated,pure Reality in whose light do the body and the ego shine?On stilling all thoughts, only pure consciousness remains.When just awaking from sleep and before becoming awareof the world, there is that pure ‘I’ - ‘I’.

Hold to the ‘I-I’, without sleeping or without allowingthoughts to possess you. If that is held firm, nothingmatters, even though one sees the world, as the seerremains unaffected by the phenomena. If there were nosuch activities as waking thoughts and dream thoughts,there would not be the corresponding worlds, i.e. noperception of them. In deep sleep there are no suchactivities, and the world does not exist for us. In dreamlesssleep there is no world, no ego and no unhappiness. Butthe Self remains. In the wakeful state one has only toremove the transitory happenings in order to realize theever-present beatitude of the Self. Your nature is bliss.Find that on which all the rest are superimposed and youthen remain as the pure Self.

changes, remaining still in its own place even as the bodyremains still in the ship’s cabin. You are always the sameand hence beyond time and beyond space. In deep sleepyou have no sense of time. The concept of time and spacearises only when there is the limitation of ‘I’. Even nowthe ‘I’ thought is both limitless and limited. So long as youthink it to be the body, it is limited. At the time of wakingup and before one actually becomes fully aware of theexternal world, that interval, timeless, spaceless, is thestate of the true I.

Why question do not arise in deep sleep? The fact isyou have no limitations in sleep, and no questions arise.Whereas now you put on identification with the body andquestions of this kind arise. Deep sleep is always presenteven in the waking state. What we have to do is to bringdeep sleep into the waking state, to get “conscious sleep.”Realization can only take place in the waking state. Deepsleep is relative to the waking state. Can that oneconsciousness divide itself into two? Is the division of theSelf felt? Awaking from sleep, on finds oneself the samein a wakeful as in a sleep state. That is the experience ofeveryone. The difference lies in seeing, in the outlook. Inimagining that you are the seer separate from experience,this difference appears. Experience says that your real isthe same all through. Do you feel the difference of externaland internal during your sleep? This difference is onlywith reference to the body and arises with body-consciousness (the ‘I-thought’). The so-called Jagat is itselfan illusion. Even the material sciences trace the origin ofthe universe to some one primordial matter - very subtle.God is the same both to those who say the Jagat is real andtheir opponents. Their outlooks are different. You neednot enmesh yourself in such disputations. The goal is oneand the same for all. Look to it. The states of deep sleep,waking and dreaming are accretions on the ego; the Selfis the witness of all. The Self transcends them all. ThisWitness - Consciousness - should be found. In the Selfthere are not separate states, no waking, sleeping or deepsleep; It is ever there.


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It is apparent from his writings that Wei Wu Wei hadstudied in some depth both Eastern and Westernphilosophy and metaphysics, as well as the more esotericteachings of all the great religions. It can also beunderstood from his writings that he regarded himself asmerely one of the many seeking the so-called ‘liberation’,and the works themselves were merely seen as a record ofthis quest. Further to Ramana Maharshi Wei Wu Wei hasmet many spiritual luminaries including Osborne, RobertPowell,Alber Sorsen, and Dr. T. D. Suzuki.

Terence Grey died in 1986 at the age of 90.

TERENCE GREY’S TEACHINGSIN HIS OWN WORDS

“Samsara is a subjective state. It is a ‘see-ing’ wherebysubjectivity projects apparent objects by means of apparentsubjects. This is called Duality. These apparent subjects,negative as are all subjects, project apparent objects,positive as are all objects, via a psychic mechanism knownas skandhas. whenever their subjectivity becomesidentified with a supposed aggregation of such skandhas.The apparent subjects and objects, as objects, are in noway different but, the subjects being negative and theobjects positive, when they are perceived in the samedirection of measurement, or dimension, or aresuperimposed mutually fulfill one another (as do aphotographic negative and positive), and then present ablank uniformity. So regarded they are no longer apparentas subject and object: they are one and void. Nirvana isalso a subjective state. It is a no-seeing wherebysubjectivity, since it cannot perceive itself, is not manifest.This is called Non-duality. Both states, which assubjectivity are identical, can only be differentiated bythe projections known as sentient beings, whose facultyof apprehension is itself subjectivity, via the skandha-mechanism, and whose objective appearance is aprojection of subjectivity as Samsara. Consequently, by aunion or “superimposition” of the two states, negative andpositive, they mutually fulfill one another and become a

The identity of Wei Wu Wei was not revealed at the timeof the publication of his first book in 1958, at the age of 63,nor was he “known” outside of a certain circle of a selectfew, as either Wei Wu Wei or Terence Gray. He remainedanonymous and it was only after his death that his trueidentity became known to a more general spiritual public.

Wei Wu Wei, born Terence Grey in 1895 into a well-established Irish family, was raised on an estate outsideCambridge, England, and received a thorough education,including studies at Oxford University. Early in life, inthe 20’s and 30’s, there was a period of involvement in thearts in England, as a theatrical producer and publisher ofseveral related magazines. Somewhere along the way Grayexhausted his interest in the avant-garde theater andturned his mind towards philosophy and metaphysics. Thisperiod includes also a lot of traveling around Asia,including some time at the Ramana Ashram inTiruvannamalai.

Wei Wu Wei -Terence Grey: A Profile

C H A P T E R 34

Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile

There is speaking , but no speaker -There is thinking , but no thinker-There is no ‘you’ talking & ‘me’ listening - It is Consciousness talking &Consciousness listening

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them had ganged up to have a private joke of their own, atmy expense!! It was indeed a gang up but, as I realizedsome time later, it was to bring about an awakening inthis body-mind mechanism that was named Ramesh.When I was reading Wei Wu Wei (I must have subsequentlyread the book more than a hundred times - certain phrasesand whole lines used to come out of my lips whentranslating Maharaj’s talks), I used to marvel at thecommand of the English language, which a Chinese manshould have achieved. It was some time later that I gatheredthat Wei Wu Wei was not a Chinese but a wealthy Irisharistocrat, highly educated at Oxford University, anauthority on wines and race horses. I got this informationthrough a lady who used to visit Maharaj. She later sentme a photograph of Wei Wu Wei with her. He was a giant ofa man. She mentioned ‘Pointers’ to him, and he expresseda desire to see the book. I would have sent him a copy if Ihad known his address. I did this as soon as I heard fromthis mutual friend. I sent a copy to him at his villa in thesouth of France with a letter expressing my gratitude forthe guidance I had received from his book. Unfortunatelyat that time (Wei Wu Wei was almost ninety years of age)senility was beginning to set in, but his wife read out thebook to him, and, in his lucid moments, he indicated thathe enjoyed the book. Our mutual friend told me that hereferred to ‘Pointers’ as ‘Wei Wu Wei without tears’. Someyears ago I was told that Wei Wu Wei is dead. His writings,together with Maharaj’s teaching, helped me enormously.But many people find his writing too abstruse.’

FLUSH ON HIS WISDOM IN A NUTSHELL

“The inadequacy of the short paragraphs that follow isdue to the insufficiency of their expression. They areoffered in the hope that the verity that underlies them maypenetrate the mist of their presentation and kindle a sparkthat shall develop into the flame of fulfillment. Please beso good as to believe that there is nothing whatevermysterious about this matter. If it were easy, should wenot all be Buddhas? No doubt, but the apparent difficultyis due to our conditioning. The apparent mystery, on the

blank uniformity or void, which is represented by the term“ pure consciousness. “

This is the resolution of false dualities such as Non-duality and Duality, of Nirvana and Samsara, of subjectand object, and it is always void. In 1973, an articleappeared on the periodical dedicated to the teachings ofRamana Maharshi, The Mountain Path, attributed to amysterious ‘Wei Wu Wei’. In addition to these some articlesappeared also on the ‘The Mountain Path’, the periodicaldedicated to the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi. Onlyafter his death the real name came to light, Terence Grey.An Irish gentleman who had met Ramana and manyeminent Buddhists and Tao philosophers had developeda deep synthesis of Eastern non-dual philosophy and itsresult in books has also had his joyful impact onRamesh Balsekar.

Terence Grey translated into many books the mostcomplicated texts on the central paradox of Taoism mainphilosophy, Wei Wu Wei, “the action of non-action,” whichis, as a concept, second in importance only to the Tao itself.His immense work has allowed Western readers toappreciate in a modern and perfect English and inaccordance with our own processes of thought, one of themost elusive of philosophy. Through his translations truthgoes straight to the heart of the matter and allows the minditself to develop its own vision.

Ramesh Balsekar, in his splendid book, The UltimateExperience, says “The whole story is that Wei Wu Wei’sbook ‘Open Secret’ was given to me as a present by a friendof mine more than a decade before I started going toMaharaj. When I first read it, I couldn’t make any senseout of it. Except that I had the sense to realize that thebook was a real treasure; and I kept it aside, so that it mightnot get thrown away with other books during one of theclean ups. And for some unfathomable reason, I suddenlythought of (more accurately, the thought occurredconcerning) the book almost immediately after I startedvisiting Maharaj. I cannot describe the innumerableintellectual frustrations I went through between the twoof them - Maharaj and Wei Wu Wei! I felt that the two of


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Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identify yourselfwith your role!

On the phenomenal plane we seek pleasure and theavoidance of pain.

On the noumenal plane we know the absence of both -which is Bliss.

When you give a shilling to a beggar- do you realize that you are giving it to yourself?

When you help a lame dog over a stile- do you realize that you yourself are being helped?

When you kick a man when he is down- do you realize that you are kicking yourself?

Give him another kick - if you deserve it!

Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is onlya dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind

without the ‘our’. Is it so hard to accept? Is it so difficultto assimilate and to live?

We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding

in the difficult task of understanding that it does notexist except as a notion.

Why are you unhappy?Because 99.9 per cent

Of everything you think,And of everything you do,

Is for yourself -And there isn’t one.

What is your trouble? Mistaken identity.

other hand, is just inability to perceive the obvious owingto a conditioned reflex which causes us persistently tolook in the wrong direction!’

Wei.Wu.Wei. (1964)

QUOTES THAT SUM IT ALL UP

It is not for us to search but to remain still, to achieveImmobility not Action.

There is no becoming. ALL IS.

The Saint is a man who disciplines his ego.The Sage is a man who rids himself of his ego.

It is only the artificial ego that suffers.The man who has transcended

his false ‘me’ no longeridentifies with his suffering.

We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; ratherare we Reality itself illusorily conceived.

Detachment is a state, it is not a tantalization ofachieved indifferences.

The notion that human life has greater valuethan any other form of life is both unjustifiable and

arrogant.

Wise men don’t judge: they seek to understand.

Living should be perpetual and universal benediction.


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A myriad bubbles were floatingon the surface of a stream.

’What are you?’ I cried to them as they drifted by.’I am a bubble, of course’

nearly a myriad bubbles answered,and there was surprise and indignation

in their voices as they passed.But, here and there, a lonely bubble answered,

’We are this stream’, and there was neither surprise norindignation in their voices,but just a quiet certitude.

Go to the Awakened Masters - and leave all yourbaggage behind.

The purest doctrines, such as those of RamanaMaharshi, Padma Sambhava, Huang Po and Shen Hui,

just teach that it is sufficient by analysis to comprehendthat there is no entity which could have effective

volition, that an apparent act of volition when in accordwith the inevitable can only be a vain gesture and, whenin discord, the fluttering of a caged bird against the bars

of his cage. When he knows that, then at last he haspeace and is glad.

Non-volitional living is glad living.

Are you still thinking, looking, living, as from animaginary phenomenal centre?

As long as you do that you can neverrecognize your freedom.

What do you have to do?Pack your bags,

Go to the station without them,Catch the train,

And leave your self behind.

Truth is that which lies in a dimension beyond the reach of thought.

Whole-mind has no ‘thoughts’,thoughts are split-mind.

Realization is a matter of becoming conscious of ‘what’ isalready realized.

A man who is seeking for realization is not only goinground searching for his spectacles without realizing that

they are on his nose all the time, but also were he notactually looking through them he would not be able to

see what he is looking for!

It is necessary to understand that I Am,In order that I may know that I Am Not,

So that, at last, I may realize that,I Am Not, therefore I Am.

We do not possess an ‘ego’.We are possessed by the idea of one.

All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comesfrom the I-concept.

This ‘real’ nature with whose revelation the ChanMasters are primarily concerned, or the Atman-’I’ of theVedantists, is not the far-off, unreachable will-o’-the-

wisp we are apt to imagine, but just the within of whichwe know the without. It is just the other side of the

medal, and it lies wherever our senses and our intellectcease to function.

One must know that one is not in order to be able tounderstand that we are.


But you can see my face, and I can see yours.Nonsense, perfect nonsense! We see nothing of the kind.What we see when we look at one another and at anythingwe can see at all, including our own feet, is just our object.And our object is part of ourselves as its subject. Nobodyelse can see us, because we have no objective existencewhatever, and we cannot see anybody else because theyhave none. All of us can only see our own - objectificationswhatever they may be.

We do not exist as objects?Of course not! No thing exists as an object. That is whythere is no such thing as an entity. How could there be?Space and time are purely mental, concepts in mind.Where else could an entity extend itself?

Then no object is independent?None is dependent either. ‘Others’ are yourself as whateveryou ‘both’ are, and their apparent otherness as your objectsis entirely a part of your phenomenal mind. Phenomenalexistence or being, noumenally is not being. Absolutely,it may be called as-it-isness. I begin to understand!

Of course you do! ‘Is that all it is?,’ as the T’ang dynastymonk said, laughing, to his Master when he suddenlyunderstood, or ‘found himself awake’, as they put it.

No thing is—in its own right? Not even us?No thing. Therefore there is no ‘us’—for ‘we’ are only oneanother’s objects as ‘us’.

Then in what way are we?Just total objective absence, which is the presence of that-I-amness, which is what-I-amness, which is this-I-amness.

All of us are that?All of us are not ‘that’, not ‘this’, not any concept at all.Nothing mysterious about it. Nothing holy. Justphenomenal nothingness, and the absence of the conceptof that (nothingness).

I have only one object in writing books:to demonstrate that there could not be anyone to do it.

What we appear to be is a fleeting shadow, a distortedand fragmentary reflection of what we all are when we

no longer assume that we are that phenomenalappearance.

It is only with total humility, and in absolute stillness ofmind that we can know what indeed we are.

As long as there is a ‘you’ doing or not-doing,thinking or not-thinking,

’meditating’ or ‘not-meditating’you are no closer to home

than the day you were born.

Having found no self that is not other,The seeker must find that

there is no other that is not self,So that in the absence of both other and self,

There may be known the perfect peace,Of the presence of absolute absence

A RARE SATSANG WITH WEI WU WEI

Do you exist?Noumenally I feel that I am, but I cannot find myself. Andthe same goes for you and for every living being.

Why is that?For the same reason that prevents us from seeing our ownface.


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Then we have no positive being whatever?Positivity and negativity are phenomenal concepts. We arenot conceivable at all.

Then who lives?You cannot find the doer of any deed, the thinker of anythought, the perceiver of any perception. The unfindableis all that we are, and the unfindable is the found.

Confusion no more - Ramesh S.Balsekar

Consciousness Speaks –Ramesh S.BalsekarThe Ultimate Understanding – Ramesh S.BalsekarExperiencing the Teaching –Ramesh S. BalsekarYour Head In The Tiger’s Mouth – Ramesh S.BalsekarAdvaita, the Buddha and the Unbroken Whole –Ramesh S.BalsekarThe Happening of a Guru; A Biography of RameshBalsekar.The Ultimate Medicine – Sri Nisargatta MaharajI AM THAT – Sri Nisargadatta MaharajNectar of Immortality - Sri Nisargadatta MaharajConsciousness and the Absolute - -The Final Talks ofSri Nisargadatta MaharajTalks with Ramana Maharshi’.Who Am I? – Ramana AshramVision of the Greatest Mystic Unveiled – G.K. PillaiConscious Immortality: conversations with RamanaMaharshi’- Paul BruntonFingers Pointing Towards The Moon –Wei Wu WeiWhy Lazarus Laughed: The essential Doctrine Zen-Advaita-Tantra –Wei Wu WeiAsk the Awakened; The Negative Way – Wei Wu Wei

Books Referred

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Among the innumerable seekers born in Westerncountries who have looked up to India as the symbol of ancientwisdom and higher consciousness, many have beenspending long periods in close contact with great spiritualteachers and chosen to invest all their energies and time inthe application of their teachings. Sandra Heber-Percy is oneof these great souls.

Born in Italy, in 1946, Sandra always had a very sensitiveand artistic nature, finding expression in painting, writingand fashion design.

In 1988 she visited India and immediately fell in love withits colorful culture and deep spirituality.

After living for nine years in Puttaparthi, Sandra set offtraveling around India to visit holy places and meet Saints,Sages, yogis and enlightened masters.

The Himalayas attracted her in particular, and she finallysettled there where her delightful books ‘flow from above andshe lends her fingers’ as she often says.

Inspired by deep insights, she now lives in the Himalayas,on the banks of the sacred river Ganges, to enjoy the peaceand share with readers what Consciousness wished her tograsp through the cosmic play of the inner quest, andinnumerable Indian contemporary Saints and Sages.

Among her published worksIn EnglishYogis’ Secrets,It’s All One Man’s Job

In Italian:Dialogues with the Infinite (vol.I &II),The Adepts of the Valley of Flowers,A Rolls Royce in Exchange of Peace,To live like GodTHE GOLDEN BOOK.

About the Author

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Awakening to Consciousness' - Sandra Heber Percy