ASSERTIVENESS ASSERTIVENESS TRAININGTRAINING

COMMUNICATION STYLES Passive Aggressive Passive-

aggressive Assertive

Passive Style Try to avoid conflict and confrontation at

all costs. Don’t share our true feelings, wants, and

needs. Puts our personal beliefs and rights aside

to support the rights of someone else. Deny yourself or your rights. Allows others to choose for you Expects others to guess at what we feel,

want, and need. Therefore: lowers our self-esteem

and leaves our needs unmet. Creates strained relationships. Feel hurt, angry, anxious, depressed. Others resent passive person for not

communicating.

Components to Passive Style

Nonverbal Poor eye contact Cross arms and legs to “block out” others

Don’t use many gestures or show much expression on face.

Verbal Speak quietly Attempt to “soften” the content of our message Have difficulty saying “no”. Use statements such as “maybe”, “probably”, or

“I suppose” so that we don’t commit to anything. Avoid taking a stand or making a decision. Over-apologize. Difficulty accepting or giving compliments.

Aggressive Style Put our rights first. Demand our feelings, wants, and needs be

heard and met but don’t show concerns for others.

Express feelings and promote self-enhancement, but usually hurt others in the process.

Minimize others’ worth and put them down. Make choices for others Do anything to get what we want.

Leads to poor self-esteem, unhealthy relationships, and in many cases, guilt and shame.

Accomplish goals at the expense of generating hatred and resentment in others.

Earn ill will of others, who then refuse to help them and might want to “get even”.

Components of Aggressive Style

Nonverbal Steady direct eye contact. Glare or

Stare. Body posture stiff and rigid. Intimidate

others. Are threatening, forceful, or abusive. Can become physically aggressive

Verbal Loud voice or unfriendly tone Use “you” statements to blame,

threaten, and/or coerce others. Bark out judgmental statements Focus on the faults of others Poor listener by interrupting, give

feedback in form of criticism and unwanted advice.

Passive-Aggressive Style Violate or disregard the rights of others while attempting to

look as though we are placing other’s rights first. Seem concerned about others’ feelings, wants, and needs. Don’t tell others what we want or feeling; instead expect them

to guess and to give in to us. Act this way to control and manipulate others and to avoid

direct conflict. Indirect, using hints or mumbling instead of saying what they

want. Might act out: being late, sloppy, slamming doors, silent

treatment. Poor self-esteem and difficulty in relationships. Our needs and

feelings go unmet and unacknowledged, and we experience feelings of shame and guilt.

Others get confused, angry, don’t help them. Passive-Aggressive person ends up frustrated and feeling

victimized.

Components of Passive-Aggressive Style

Nonverbal/Verbal Messages do not match. Stare or roll our eyes but deny that anything is

wrong. Don’t voice true feelings. Voice may be soft and calm while making a

threat. Use SARCASM and AGGRESSIVE STATEMENTS Say “yes” without planning on following through. Give dishonest feedback to humiliate or “set up”

another person.

Assertive Style Allows us to affirm our own rights as well

as the rights of others. Able to express our feelings, wants, and

needs openly and respectfully Act in our own best interest without

making others uncomfortable. Are open to hearing others express their

feelings and needs and are will to compromise.

Maintain a balance between giving, taking, and asking for help.

Try to resolve issues without conflict. Strong self-esteem, self-respect, and self-

confidence. Relationships last longer and are based on mutual respect.

We are honest

Components of Assertive Style

Nonverbal Direct eye contact without staring Relaxed body posture Use appropriate gestures Facial expression matches how we feel and what we

are saying. Express our feelings, opinions, and needs

spontaneously, unless it is disrespectful to us or others.

Verbal Conversational voice tone but may use inflection for

emphasis. Able to say no without guilt and with respect Use “I” to take personal responsibility for our feelings

and emotions Avoid blaming others and take responsibility for our

actions. Take credit for success and admit our mistakes. Make decisions and set limits. Good listeners who offer direct and honest feedback.

WHY “I” MESSAGES

“I” Messages Take ownership of emotions and

actions. Express feelings honestly.

“You” Messages Are blaming Are dishonest Are judgmental

ASSERTIVENESS FORMULA

I feel ___________________emotion

When you ___________________their behavior

Because ____________________impact of behavior on relationship

I would like/need/prefer ________________What we want, need, or would

prefer

More About Assertive Communications Learn the skills for our benefit and not to

change others. It’s our choice when and where to be

assertive. If someone resists our assertiveness, we can

avoid conflict by restating our assertiveness. Cannot control how others respond Assertiveness formula is a learning tool. The assertiveness formula can also be used

to offer compromises and to set limits. Common to feel we are being aggressive

when learning assertiveness skills.

New Responses to Old Messages

1. Haven’t you done that yet? I should have done it myself. (Nagging)Reply: I feel frustrated when you question me about how I work, because it seems disrespectful of my abilties. I’d appreciate if you’d not ask. I will let you know when I’ve finished.

2. I know I shouldn’t ask, but I heard you were in one of those treatment centers. What did you go there for? (Prying)Reply: I feel uncomfortable when you ask me about treatment because It’s a personal issue. I would appreciate if you wouldn’t bring it up again.

3. You should be going to more meetings. When I started in Al-Anon I went to at least five a week? (Lecturing)Reply: I appreciate you concern, but I need to say I’m uncomfortable when you say “I should” go to more meetings as it seems demanding. I’d appreciate if you would make suggestions rather than say I “should”.

4. I know you’re trying to quit drinking, but you’re my best friend, and I can’t have my birthday bash without you. What? Are you too good for all your old friends now? (Putting you on the spot).Reply: I feel hurt when you suggest I come to a “using” party when I’ve just finished treatment and angry when you question my friendship, because we have been friends for many years. Right now I need to stay clean and sober and would like your support by getting together when there’s no drinking or drugging.

5. You really should go off that antidepressant medication you’re on. You can’t get clean and sober when you’re taking drugs. (Giving unwanted advice)Reply: I confused when you suggest I quit taking my medication because it seems as though you are questioning the quality of my sobriety. I appreciate your concern, but I need you to show support even if you don’t agree with the professional I’m working with.

Negative Responses to “I” Message

Laughing it off – assertiveness seen as a joke. Accusing gambit – other person blames you. The Beat-up - your assertiveness is seen as

personal attack. Delaying gambit – responses is “not now”. Why gambit – blocked by a series of “why”

questions. Self-pity gambit – is met with tears and

attempt to make you feel guilty.

More Negative Responses

Quibbling – other person questions the legitimacy of what you feel.

Threats – assertiveness is met with aggressive threats.

Denial – other person denies their behavior.

Ways To Overcome Negative Responses

Broke Record – just keep repeating the same statement/request over and over.

Content-to-Process Shift – move from content of the statement to the process/relationship interaction.

Fogging – partially agree with the other person’s statement but then repeat your request.

Defusing – make less tense (“I can see you are angry right now so let’s talk about this after the meeting”.)