Assertiveness and Communication

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Assertive Communication

Training Pack

AuthorSohailuddin ALAVI

International Training Adviser, AIBF(International Expert in Capacity Building and Institutional Development)

March 2012


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1 Afghanistan Institute of Banking and Finance (Author Sohailuddin ALAVI) March 2012

Assertive Communication Training Pack

Authors Profile

ALAVI, Sohailuddin

He is a capacity building and institutional development expert. He brings learning through

working internationally for more than 28 years. Through the years he has unleashed skills in

document writing, proposal development, critical thinking and creativity. His career spans over

28 years of learning

In his initial career he has worked in a Pakistani bank as trainer, coordinator and training

manager for management development programs for almost 15 years. Later he established his

own institutional management and training consultancy. As consultant he has had conducted

numerous management training workshops both in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Besides, he has

had worked on many institutional development projects in the corporate, development sector

and the Govt. departments, as consultant.

He has taught for more than ten years in the undergraduate and post graduate programs of

Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology, Faculty of Management

Sciences and Karachi University Business School, Pakistan. He has written extensively in

management, leadership, organization-behavior; business ethics, and entrepreneurial

development for professional magazines, authored books and training manuals.

Personal Contact Details:

Email: [email protected] Profile:http://pk.linkedin.com/pub/alavi-sohailuddin/44/ab4/997

Cell No. 00 92 (0) 333 213 87 42

Karachi, Pakistan
http://pk.linkedin.com/pub/alavi-sohailuddin/44/ab4/997http://pk.linkedin.com/pub/alavi-sohailuddin/44/ab4/997http://pk.linkedin.com/pub/alavi-sohailuddin/44/ab4/997http://pk.linkedin.com/pub/alavi-sohailuddin/44/ab4/997


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Table of Contents

Preface 02

Lets Think out of Box 03

Human Rights are the Foundation of Assertive Communication 05

Section One: Assertive Skills 08

Interpersonal Behaviors 09 Self-Assessment Activity 11

Section Two: Communicating Skills 14

Think Communication 15 Faces of Communication 17 Time to Describe Communication 18 Communication Process 19 Barriers to Communicate 21 Tips on Improving Communication 24 Enriching Relationships through Communication 26


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PrefaceWe all communicate to live: We need to manage our relationships; transact with people;

explore ideas develop clearer understanding on different topics; and last but not the

least, create shared perception and opinions to form groups and lobbies. Communication

is a tool that fits in all situations. In other words communication process enables it all.

Thus the need for mastering communication can never be over emphasized.

Surprisingly, many of us consider Communication as their next-of-kin kind of activity,

others thinks it is an art that one can learn to do over the life time. Yet, many of us fail

to communicate in numerous situations and fail to live their lives effectively, be it our

personal or professional lives.

The reality of communication is that it is a complex skill that consists of many elements

firstly the personality make-up of the persons involved in communication, their

respective positions and interests in a particular situation, the relationship and the

physical proximity between the person communicating, the permeable environment in

which communication takes place, the methodology of communication including type of

technology and the language used, and a host of other external influences. Unless all the

elements are effectively controlled communication is bound to fail. In simple words,

communication failure is nothing but no or wrong response from the subject (listeners).

This training pack does not make you master in all the elements of communication. Itfocuses on two core elements of communication: advantage of assertive behavior in

communicating effectively, and the communication process. In effect this short training

pack has two sections. First section deals with the assertive behavior and the second

section deals with the communication process. Thus it would be just a beginning for you

mastering communication.

I would like to dedicate this booklet to my Parents, Family members, the Afghanistan

Institute of Banking and Finance (AIBF) and the Universities and other institutions where

I studied and taught.

Sohailuddin Alavi

March 2012


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Lets Think out of Box

Prelude

Individuals, however, genius achieve nothing alone, but when they get together they

make wonders

Together everyone achieves more makes the team

Working together in a team entails:

Interdependence for achieving personal goals

Demonstrating responsibility for all Communicating with understanding What we say and how we say it!

Instructions:

Read through the situations. Describe your first response in each situation.

Statements:

Imagine yourself in a situation where you want someone to know how you feelabout this new friend of yours.

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Imagine yourself in a managers situation. There is this employee of yours whohas not been performing up to the mark and you decide to give him a frank

feedback on his bad performance.

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Imagine yourself as a politician. You want to make this world a better place, andfor that you have decided to run in the elections to become President and change

the world.

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Imagine yourself as a sales person. You want to convince to your customer aboutthe product quality so that he should buy it immediately.

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Imagine you have a conflict with your friend. He has cheated on you and youwant to make him know that this is not on and he should apologize.

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Debrief: Individuals have their unique style of responding in different situations, but

generally it is observed that their success largely depends upon their

Active ego-state, and Communication skills


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Human Rights are theFoundation of Assertive Communication

The Key Competencies:

AssertivenessKnowledge of and ability to secure ones rights without violatingothers rights.

Communication Understanding and ability of exchanging information, feelings, etc.

Assertiveness and Communication helps you:

Win friends,

Win customers, Win at work, and Win in life.

Rights to Responsibilities We all have rights

On ourselves On others And they have rights on us

Rights have Dimensions:

My innate Rights I am born with it My entitlement that comes with me when I was born Interpersonal Rights I get these as I give these to others Professional Rights I have to earn these with efforts on my part

Explore your rights?

My innate rights?

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Interpersonal rights?

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Professional rights?

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Debrief

My innate rights:

Right to be heard Right to self esteem Right to be taken seriously Right to equal opportunity Right to stand up for personal goals Right to make decisions and have choices Right to have own values, opinions, beliefs and principles

Interpersonal Rights:

Right to equal status and respect Right to equal opportunities Right to disagree Right to equal treatment Right not to be discriminated on religion, gender, tribe, color, language spoken, etc. Right to get just and similar compensation for any personal violation by others


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Professional Rights:

Right to equal opportunities for professional development Right to equitable earning opportunities Right to equitable professional status Right to equal compensation for similar responsibility


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Section One

Assertive Skills

In this section, you will explore different behavioral orientations, namely assertive,

aggressive and passive. Later you will make a comparative analysis of different

behavioral orientations to understand the pluses and minuses of each behavior

orientation, especially in the context of communicating effectively.


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Interpersonal Behavior

Approaching Rights Different people approach their rights differently, in different

situations:

Some are aggressive, Some are passive, and Some are assertive

The Aggressive Approach

Aggressive approach is about directly standing up to personal rights and expressing

thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate,and always violates the right of the other persons. For instance:

This is what I thinkyoure stupid if you think otherwise. This is what I wantwhat your want isnt important. This is what I feel your feelings dont matter

The Passive Approach

Your approach is passive if you violate your own rights by failing to express honest

feelings, thoughts and beliefs or permitting others to violate you. The crucial part of this

definition is that it places responsibility for being taken for granted very firmly on

yourself. For instance:

Your friend hurts your feelings by using humiliating language or passing ajudgment on your personality. But you decided not to respond and express your

feelings to him, for one reason or the other.

The Assertive Approach

Assertive approach is standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings,

and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways which do not violate other persons

rights. For instance:

When I am assertive, I can express who I am; I tell what I think; how I feel; and,what I believe, in the most direct, honest and appropriate way


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Remember, when you are assertive you have more chances to:

Build self-esteem & trustworthiness Avoid being misunderstood or misinterpreted Avoid entering into dysfunctional (nonsense) conflicts Can communicate across right message and feelings first time. Have independence of opinion, feelings, thoughts and values Pursue personal goals, preferences and priorities without unjust interference from

others

Become cognizant of responsibilities along side rights, hence lead aninterdependent life

Carry no repentance, regrets or feelings of being exploited by others.

Deal with every one justly (equitably)

Assertiveness Essentials

Be confident of what you are Be prepared to take the Riskof change Begin to take Responsibility of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs Be conscious of your Body Language Exchange Compliments and Gifts,positively Keep yourValues to you rather than imposing on others Be able to accept or refuse Requests appropriately Uphold othersand your own rights Practice self-talk


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Activity Self-Assessment

What is My Dominant Behavior?

Here are some interesting situations that reflect your day in day out experience. You are

asked to select your usual (most likely automatic) response from the typical responses

appended in each situation. Please do not judge different situations.

You are a Manager in a bank and have been doing your job exceptionally well and

expect a salary raise. When you discussed it with your senior she says that you must

wait for six months to get the raise.

Choose your usual response?

Fine, I will check with you then. I believe the raise I am asking for is reasonable, and you agree that my

responsibilities have increased. Id like to discuss it further.

I was promised this raise. I deserve it. And I want it now.

You are the only female at a meeting with a group of male colleagues and you are asked

to act as the secretary, since always you do this role.


Sure, Id be happy to do so Id like to let someone else take this turn today. If you recall, I took the minutes

of the last meeting.

I resent this request. Just because I am a woman doesnt mean that I am asecretary

You are working on a project with another manager from another branch, but you think

you are doing all the work


Nothing. You would continue to do all the work by yourself by staying late.


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On paper we are coordinating this project, yet I see that I am doing all the work.Id like to talk with you about changing this.

You are not doing your part. If I do not get some cooperation, I shall go and tellthe boss.

You are a manager at Main Branch. A manager from another Branch requests extra cash

from you. You have had trouble meeting your minimum liquidity and prefer not to make

extra cash available.


I just cant provide these extra cash right now. I might be able to get them toyou tomorrow. Is this Ok.

Presently I am having difficulty meeting my cash requirement of all the branchesand I prefer not making extra available to any branch unless it is essential. Tell

me more about your problem, and let us explore some of the ways we might

approach it

You should not be asking me for extra cash. I am already short of liquidity myself,so I wont be able to send it to you.

Your junior colleague is not performing in accordance with goals that you and she had

discussed on several occasions. Upon reviewing her performance, how would you like to

comment on this?

Choose your usual response

You know it is my job to bring you in every once in a while and talk over howthings are going. I hope this does not upset you, and I want to be as fair and

helpful as I can. I do not see any reason why we cannot have a friendly talk and

review how things have been going.

We have talked several times about your work goals, the results are not up to thelevel we agreed upon. It is not acceptable that the goals we sat are not achieved.

I want to discuss with you the consequences of you continuing to perform in this

manner


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It looks to me as if you are just careless and irresponsible, or may be you just donot have what it takes to do this job.

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Debrief: The first statement reflects a passive response, the second statement is very

much assertive, and the third statement is too much aggressive. Where have been your

dominant responses: passive, assertive or aggressive? This will allow you to assess your

usual (automatic) behavior. Remember, no one follows any particular behavior straight

away. However, your dominant behavior can either be passive, assertive or aggressive.


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Section Two

Communicating Skills

In this section, you will build upon your skills to communicate even better through

activity based learning. At the end of each activity debrief is appended to aid yourconclusions. Please reflect upon your real life experiences while doing the activities, it

will optimize your learning.


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Think CommunicationLearning Activity 1

Imagine you are working with another person. You both need to perform a task together,

for neither of you can do it alone.

a. Think of different purposes you would need to talk to each other while workingon the task. I encourage each of you to please standup and contribute.

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b. How many people you talked to during last week both at work and outside: Co-workers, seniors, juniors, customers, friends, relatives, and of all the people

strangers etc.? Can you recall what you were communicating with each of them?

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Debrief

Activity (a)

We all need to talk to each other both at work and in other settings for many

reasons, such as:

To develop shared understanding of what we are doing, why we are doing it,and how can we do it.

To do our respective jobs in a coordinated way To give and take feedback from each other To stay in touch with each other What to Communicate? We all talk to so many people through the day.

Activity (b)

In broad terms whenever we talk, we communicate the followings:

How do we feel about them, other people or of a situation What is our view on a particular issue, action or instance etc. What we want someone else to know, do or achieve What we have done or achieved


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Faces of CommunicationLearning Activity 2

We all communicate in many ways.

Imagine you want to tell someone that you are happy (or angry) with him. Think

in how many ways can you do this?

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Debrief

We all can communicate using the following resources

In words By our body gestures By our voice tone By our eye contact

Role Play:

Practice communicating using many different ways. Think of a message you wish

to communicate then communicate it to someone (individual or group) in the

best possible way. Ask for candid feedback from the listener, if you did the job

well or not.

This activity will give you a genuine insight on your strengths and weaknesses,

which you can improve upon as your move forward.


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Time to Describe CommunicationLearning Activity 3

Here you will describe the subject matter of communication. First describe the

subject matter of communication from your angle:

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Talk to a few persons in your circle and read their mind as how do they describe

the subject matter of communication:

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Time to summarize yours and others description. This will help you develop a

more comprehensive description of the subject matter of communication:

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Debrief: Communication is a process of exchanging information, uncovering emotions, taking and

giving feedback, etc. It involves two or more people sender, receiver(s) and sometimes transmitter. Communication process is always complex and abstract, which makes the outcome much

uncertain and sometimes uncontrolled by the sender or receiver in totality.


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Communication ProcessLearning Activity 4

The term Communication Process refers to steps involved in a typical communication

transaction. To manage the communication, one has to manage the process. Thus it is

vital to understand the intricacies of a typical communication process. Here are the steps

involved in a typical communication process.

Recall a situation when you lost an opportunity just because you could not communicate

well? Describe the situation below:

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Reflect upon the above situation and rate your strengths and weaknesses to

communicate. Abbreviations: AW (Always), MT (Most of the time), ST (Sometimes), ND

(Needs to do), VW (Very well), FW (Fairly well), OK (Okay), NL (Needs learning)

a. Cognitive (Behavioral) How often do I do this? What to communicate? AW MT ST - ND Why to communicate? AW MT ST - ND How to communicate? AW MT ST - ND

b. Transmitting (Mechanical) How well am I at it? Coding the message VW FW OK - NL Selecting the right method VW FW OK - NL Setting the environment VW FW OK - NL Sending the message VW FW OK - NL


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c. Receiving (Mechanical) How well am I at it? Getting and decoding the message VW FW OK - NL Listening VW FW OK - NL Interpreting VW FW OK - NL

d. Response (Behavioral) How well am I at it? Perception VW FW OK - NL Decision VW FW OK - NL Action VW FW OK - NL

Debrief: Steps represent the skills. All the skills against which you have rated yourself

good are your strengths to communicate, while the skills against which you have ratedyourself on the other side are your typical barriers to communicate.


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Barriers to CommunicateActivity 4

In this activity you will explore typical root causes of different barriers tocommunicate. Knowing the root causes is a critical step towardsovercoming them.

a. Cognitive (Behavioral) Barriers

Lack of conceptual clarityWhat would do to improve upon?

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Biased or normative attitudeWhat would do to improve upon?

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Psychological incongruence (difference of perception) between you & listenerWhat would do to improve upon?

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Cultural differences causing different meanings to same words / phrasesWhat would do to improve upon?

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Mood swingsWhat would do to improve upon?

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Lack of attention to detailsWhat would do to improve upon?

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MotivationWhat would do to improve upon?

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RelationshipWhat would do to improve upon?

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b. Transmitting (Mechanical) Barriers

Physical BarriersWhat would do to improve upon?

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LanguageWhat would do to improve upon?

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Noise (To much physical distortions or distractions disturbing communication)What would do to improve upon?

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Too much or too little informationWhat would do to improve upon?

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Distance (Physical proximity)What would do to improve upon?

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Environment (People around, Physical setting, Time of the day, etc.)What would do to improve upon?

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Packaging and PresentationWhat would do to improve upon?

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Debrief

Dos Be ready to communicate Be clear, candid, and candor Use multiple ways to communicate Check back understanding Put the message in the listeners

context

Motivate and acknowledge Listen for message not the contents Empathize Describe Respect

Donts Avoid prejudices Avoid judgments Avoid assumptions Avoid jargons & metaphors Avoid giving different messages in

words and by your gestures

Avoid bad timings Avoid status incongruence Avoid personal comments Avoid compound messages Avoid one way communication


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Tips on Improving Communication

Essential Elements of Communication

Clarity of purpose Listening Attention to details Managing environment Motivating and timing Language Verbal and non-verbal Back checking

Sharpening Listening Skills

Be attentive Empathize Delay your conclusions until the whole message is communicated Give value and respect to the other person Avoid selectivity and distortions Keep checking your listening skills* Practice, Practice, Practice

Giving Feedback

Be descriptive, not evaluative: Instead of saying You are a lousy employee.Say, everyone else around here takes only five minutes for a coffee break.

Be specific, not general:Instead of saying, You dont file the papers right.Say, the standard is to square off the front edges of papers before filing, do you

want me to show you again?

Focus on the subject, not the person: Instead of saying, you are the worstemployee Ive got. Say, Ive got a problem with your behavior. Whats wrong

with you?

Be Prompt: Always take the time out to give feedback when it is needed. Adelayed feedback is only a personal criticism


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Taking Feedback

Always ask for feedback proactively. Be ready to listen to how others feel about you and what they have to say. Be prepared to take on criticism and learn to improve Listen to the message not just the words.


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Enriching Relationships through Communication

Communication is all about building and enriching relationships. Here are some essential

tips for building and enriching professional and personal relationships.

Ritual strokes

Greet them first: "Hello", "Good to see you".Mail strokes

Keep contact through mail: Send cards, memos, thank you notes that makepeople feel very, very special, especially in acknowledgement of their visit or

performance.

Phone strokes Stay in touch with them on the phone: People appreciate the fact that you are

concerned enough to give them a call, particularly when it is not business related.

But never overdo it.

Time strokes

Give time and attention: Giving customers and teammates your time andattention to them gives them a great feeling of self-worth.

Talk strokes

Listening: Listening with empathy is the highest compliment you can pay to aperson.

Touch strokes

Touching: Shaking hands for example will always make the customers andteammates feel welcome.

Positive strokes

Give positive gesture: This is the warm feeling generated from one person toanother when you say something nice for example, "Its really nice to see you

again or Your choice is our first priority", etc.

Value Human Beings

Always remember, exceptional human beings never devalue others - not even forfun! Lastly, and most importantly, don't discount someone when they give you a

stroke. Practice just saying, "Thank you very much, I appreciate it!" It will make

the both of you feel better.

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Assertiveness and Communication